Original subtitles

ANGRY WOMAN: I don't care! Just get out!

Go on, get out! And give me my books back!

(DOOR SLAMS)

(TYRES SCREECH)

(LOUD IN-CAR MUSIC)

(TYRES SQUEAL OUTSIDE/ RECORDING PLAYS)

'Free yourself from negativity

'and allow only positive thoughts.'

(SNORING)

'You are a beautiful delicate flower.'

(BRAKES SQUEAL)

Oh, my...!

Oh! My dahlias!

(SINGS HAPPILY)

What?! My fish!

Roy?

Morning! Have you been urinating on my thing-me-bobbies again?

Didn't you hear the joyriders? It was like Silverstone out there!

What's that got to do with my thing-me-bobbies? I was up half the night.

I got caught short, didn't I? Well, could you not, please?

It keeps the foxes away. Roy, it's two days away from my first open gardens competition

and I'm not going in for best urinal!

What are you going for? I'm going for Zen.

Obviously. Obviously(!)

Eugh!

So, what's with all the sludge and the Zen gubbins?

Have you been at the self-helps again?

No, I have not!

I'm just trying to detox my life and be at one with Nature.

And win the garden competition. Actually,

I am trying to encourage Chi to flow into my life.

To bring harmony and peace.

It's about wind and water.

After drinking that, I'm not surprised!

And what about the crabbiness? Is that all part of the purge?

You may mock, but just you watch.

No incomer has ever won Best in Show.

My inner peace will transform my outer garden.

So you do want to win? I have to say I think a garden designer and a few grand would be a better bet.

Spirulina, kale, garlic, spinach, lemon, two grapes. Get it in you.

Eughh!

Rank! No!

Criminal, it is!

I'd bring back national punishment, I would.

Someone's been attacking the gardens, apparently. Joyriders from Birmingham.

Since when have joyriders been interested in gardens in Carsely?

Why don't you tell us, Agatha, since you are our very own Miss Marple!

Are you saying I'm old?

Would I?!

Maybe you can help us, Agatha. The vicarage was dug up.

And my dahlias. Mrs Jones's dahlias were ruined. Ruined.

James's roses decapitated.

And Mary's greenhouse - smashed.

Seedlings scattered everywhere.

Not to mention the village green. And Bernie's garden was trashed.

And his poor goldfish - poisoned, they were. It's such a shame.

I won my very first one at Carsely Fair five years ago.

What about your garden, Agatha? Was it vandalised?

No.

Oh. That's strange, considering you're in competition, too.

Well, supposedly.

Why don't you all just cancel the whole garden thing?

Alright. Maybe not. We cannot be beaten by acts of vandalism.

As Chair of the Events Committee, the show must go on!

Starting, of course, with tomorrow night's open day launch concert at the White Horse.

I'm doing cheap cider all night. I'll be there!

Oh, we all will, to see the star attraction, the voice of Carsely herself,

our very own super-talented Miss Berenice Chilton!

It's just a couple of songs, Bernie!

No, no, no, darling. It's more than that. Much more than that.

(PEOPLE CHATTER)

It's them wasters from Birmingham. Bermin'am. You know.

What are you gonna do about it? Yeah. What are you gonna do about it?

I've contacted my colleagues in the Midlands area,

but without a number plate... Ah.

GY54 WU... F... E.

E. E.

(E).

E. E.

Oh! Get in!

Aghh! GET IN!

Mary had a bit of a dig.

Mary?

Mary! Quite contrary! How does your garden grow? Very poetic(!)

Not got your own key?

Maybe she's round the back.

Is that what you two do, then? Read books to each other?

The Joy of Juniper.

Actually, I'm returning them.

(KNOCKS LOUDLY)

Mary?

(Mary!)

Are you OK?

Why would anyone do that?

Why kill someone like that?

Maybe to humiliate them?

How did she die?

Looks like she was strangled.

Possibly with garden wire, before she was, you know...

planted.

We're gonna need some formal statements, and no funny business, please.

And no investigating!

Clear?

We're aware it must be particularly difficult for you at this time.

Actually, Mary and I weren't seeing each other any more.

She dumped me, last night.

That's why I was returning her books.

What happened?

She was worried about not winning the Open Day.

I said that it wasn't really meant to be a competition, and...

...I've never seen anything like it.

She went ballistic. Threw me out of the house, there and then.

I have to ask, can you account for your movements this morning?

Come on, Bill. I came round the corner and found him knocking at the door

shouting her name up at the window.

He's not going to do that if he's planted her out the back, is he,

not unless he's really strange!

You're not really strange, are you?

What time did you leave here last night?

Um...

...midnight-ish.

Actually, there was someone across the road.

I didn't think much of it at the time. Who? What did they look like?

Um... male.

I couldn't really see his face. Hands in his pockets.

He turned away as soon as I looked.

He was wearing red shoes.

I think I know what's going on.

I doubt that very much.

It could be anything. It could be something to do with Mary's past.

For once, just let the police do their job!

I would, if I thought they were capable of doing anything!

There's something about the attack on Mary's garden. It's not like the others. The police have missed it!

What do you mean? Well, it didn't affect her chances of winning the competition, did it?

What are you on about? Her greenhouse was attacked!

Greenhouse panes can be fixed overnight. Her seedlings were never part of the exhibit anyway.

But the rest of her garden still looks stunning!

I really can't do this!

James, all I'm saying is we need to talk to everyone whose garden was assaulted

and that obviously includes you.

You, most of all.

Why me most of all? Because you were the one who... You know.

Because you were the one who was intimate with her and so you'd know Mary better than anyone else.

And if we can figure out who Mary was, we can figure out why she was killed.

And if we know why she was killed, we can find out who killed her! No! Stop!

Aw. Nice to see you two getting on.

Here you go.

For your blood sugar levels, before you kill someone.

If you'd left that hole, you'd have won for the holiest garden in the competition!

Did you want something, Agatha?

Just to talk about Mary, but if now's not a good time... What did you want to know?

Well...

You know, just...

What did you know about her? Were you close to her? Not very.

You know, the truth is,

we weren't close at all.

She was a horror to me with her remarks. Said it was a pity I'd let myself go!

But she wouldn't say that in front of people. No, she was sweetness and light, then!

She was just constantly criticising me!

"Have you not been to the States, Sarah? Such a country girl, Sarah!"

Sorry!

Sorry. You must think I'm a despicable human being! No, no, no.

Not at all.

That stamping's a bit weird, though.

(BLADE WHIRRS)

I couldn't stand the woman!

Really? What was it about her that annoyed you?

The stupid cow told me I was too old!

Too old to run the Ladies' Society,

too old to do yoga, too old - get this -

too old to look after myself!

My hat!

Ah! Launch Concert tomorrow night?

Bye! Another time.

Mary clearly knew how to press people's buttons and touch a nerve!

A bit cold, if you ask me.

It was like she was always acting.

No warmth, no emotion.

There we go. Enjoy!

Thanks. Right. Where now?

Hey, Bernie. I'm sorry about what happened to your fish.

Oh, thank you. Me, too!

But at the end of the day, they're only fish.

Can I ask you something, Bernie?

Was Mary ever nasty to you?

I mean, did she ever say anything untoward about you?

Or your fish?

I can't say she was.

She was always sweetness and light, to me. We used to talk music.

Music? Yeah.

Well, must press on. Leaflets to distribute

for the Open Day Launch Concert.

I think it's great what you're doing for Berenice.

It's never too late to follow your dream.

Here. You must come. It's your kind of thing.

Well, she obviously wasn't nasty to Bernie, then, was she?

You know Mary tried to get the gig cancelled? No, I did not. Why?

Noise pollution. Well, she lived opposite, didn't she?

Well, that explains why she tried to rip the leaflet down.

Seems a bit OTT, though, doesn't it?

Oh, hey Columbo!

What have you got for us, then?

Death confirmed as strangulation.

But not with garden wire.

Something metal, but thinner.

But I'd better go. I have to meet Mary's next of kin -

her daughter, Beth.

Since when did Mary have a daughter?

Oh. A student at Oxford.

Something of a socialite, by all accounts.

Right.

(MOBILE RINGS)

Aggie. How you doing?

Roy, shut up and listen. 'Grumpiness kicked in then.'

Next you'll be barking an order at me to do something for you.

I'm actually phoning with some insider knowledge on a potential client you may be interested in,

but if you're going to be like that... Whoa, just teasing!

Check out Oxford "It Girl" Beth Fortune.

Red shoes!

It's him! What?

Watch out, Bill!

He's got a gun! Quick - get it off him!

Get off me! What are you doing?

Come on!

Jonah, what are you doing here?

You know him?! Yeah, of course I know him! He was my fiance!

Who the hell are you?

Neighbourhood Watch.

No, I didn't have anything to do with Mrs Fortune's death. No, I didn't see anything,

and no, I've got nothing more to add.

Then if you don't mind, I'd really like some time to grieve.

Alone.

OK. That's all for now, but I may need some... Everything you need is on here.

Mobile, social media, blog.

And...?

Camper van out by the water tower.

Thank you.

Who badly wanted to win the garden competition

and whose garden, technically, wasn't sabotaged?

Mary. So you think she sabotaged the gardens so she could win the competition.

Correct. And then,

one of her green-fingered rivals,

bish, bash, bosh,

murdered her, in revenge.

Yeah, but trees and plants is one thing, isn't it, but why would she kill Bernie's fish?

Well, maybe because his pond was his garden's crowning glory.

Or because she was crackers.

"Cos she was crackers." I don't know. I need to talk to James,

because he was the one who was closest to her.

I need to find out what was going on inside his head,

her head, anyone's head.

And what about the daughter and the boyf? Do we rule them out?

Au contraire!

We rule no-one out, me and you not withstanding.

Then there's the joyriders. How do they fit in?

No idea!

But do you know what's really annoying?

I've run out of melons.

(LAPTOP BLEEPS)

At last!

Tell me about Beth Fortune.

The usual, really. Beautiful spoilt brat.

Boarding school, American father, lives off Daddy's allowance.

Hangs out at all the fashionable clubs, goes to the exclusive parties.

Is that it? No dirt?

Nope. Now, about this PR job.

She's gonna need some very good PR.

Think column inches, think double-page spreads,

think viral, think Beth Fortune - possible murderer.

What?!

(MUSIC BLARES/TYRES SQUEAL)

(BRAKES SCREECH OUTSIDE)

RECORDING: ..to melt away and be replaced by peace...

harmony...

James, I need to talk to you about Mary.

Can't it wait? It's going to have to, I'm afraid.

Excuse me? I have to talk to James about my mother.

In private.

Without some rugby player hanging around.

What gives you the right to talk to him before me?

I think I deserve an explanation.

After all, he was going to marry my mother.

You'd better come in.

Hello!

Everything alright?

Does this face look like everything is alright?

Interesting look you're going for.

What exactly... Zen.

Zen.

I could give you... Bill, I'm fine!

What do you want?

Nothing, just catching up.

The joyriders were out in force again last night. Uh-huh.

One of the bins got hit.

We found a bit of yellow paint, so at least we've got a lead.

I thought you already had a lead, some address in Birmingham.

Drew a blank.

Turns out the car was registered to someone with an alibi

and there was footage of their red car in the drive all night,

so the Boggles must have remembered it wrong.

The Boggles? They gave me the registration number.

So, as well as getting registration numbers, did they see anything else

like maybe what happened to Mad Marrying Mary Fortune?

No, but I did do some digging on her marriage, actually.

Barry Fortune, American real estate.

Did you know Mary started out as a singer?

A singer?

Sacrificed her career so she could get married.

And when her husband filed for divorce,

she tried to commit suicide.

Whatever you're plotting, forget it.

I'm not plotting!

Just thinking.

You did search Mary's house, didn't you? Yes, Agatha!

We searched the house. We found nothing significant.

That's because you're men!

Men can't see for looking!

Hard at it already? Well, I haven't got much time.

I'm turning my dahlia bed into hardy perennials

and hoping the judges won't mark me down.

What are you doing?

Begonias.

Begonias?

Hmm. Very... shrewd.

TOGETHER: Morning, Agatha.

Morning!

Are you alright, Agatha? Bad back.

I'm just not sure I can do it, Bernie.

I gave up on music years ago.

What if I can't cut it?

No, you'll be fine! Tonight's only the beginning.

You're gonna knock 'em dead!

Ooh!

(DONKEY BRAYS) Sorry!

Oh!

Oh! Ooh!

Big goal!

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Aghh! Aghh!

I come in peace!

I just want to talk about Beth.

We had something special, you know?

And then she finished it.

What did Beth's mother make of you?

How did you get on with her?

I never met her.

Beth and her didn't really see each other.

Well, that's a bit odd, considering you live quite nearby, isn't it?

And Beth's got her speedy soft-top set of wheels!

Get that from her daddy's allowance, did she?

Yeah, until he pulled it. Oh. When and why did he do that?

A few weeks back.

Just after Beth told him she wanted to be a blogger, not a lawyer!

Oh.

So what did she intend to do for money?

No offence, but you don't strike me as a daddy's boy with a trust fund!

No way!

I'm knee-deep in a student loan.

But there was an inheritance thing her mother was gonna give her when she hit 21.

Was there, now? With conditions attached.

What sort of conditions?

Approval of lifestyle choices, perhaps?

Like boyfriends?

I'm not sure, to be honest.

And when does Beth turn 21?

Next week.

Can we talk?

So...

You were gonna get married, were you?

It was news to me!

It's like I just told Beth.

Marriage was never mentioned.

I can't see why Mary would have said that.

To be honest, we barely scratched the surface, really.

Oh, that's what they call it these days, is it? I'm serious.

We connected over history and gardening.

So... Don't!

She came across very strongly at the beginning

and gave the impression that she only wanted to have a good time.

Thank you.

But then she'd suddenly be very proprietorial.

Don't you just hate that(!)

All charm and warmth one minute, catty the next.

Oh, really?

I thought that was just a girl thing.

When she dumped me,

she was brutal.

I've never heard insults like it!

Really personal. Like what?

Oh. You're not talking about sex, are you?

No, that bit was fine.

She said I was unpredictable, demanding and really manipulative.

Are we talking about sex now? Does it matter, Agatha?

No. No.

I mean, she was hardly...

I don't want to speak ill of the dead. Well...

I am prepared to make an exception, just this once.

She was cold, detached.

There was no... Warmth?

No warmth or emotion there? Exactly.

Did you know that she tried to commit suicide when her marriage ended?

God, how awful.

I had no idea.

And that she was on anti-depressants.

Mary never mentioned anything.

It's like Beth.

She barely mentioned her at all.

And yet she said that she moved here to be near her.

Her boyfriend said they weren't close, and yet clearly there was some money thing going on.

How did Beth seem to you? Insecure. Covers it with front.

Gets that from her mother, maybe. Mary clearly had her issues.

So perfect on the surface, and yet underneath,

she was just as messed up as the rest of us.

I feel ashamed I didn't know her better.

I should have.

Her death wasn't your fault.

♪ So many lessons that I have learned

♪ They leave that impression it's time to return

♪ I'll walk the wilderness

♪ And find my way back home. ♪

(APPLAUSE)

Brava! Brava! Brava! Brava! Brava! Thank you!

I'm gonna take a short break and I'll be back in a while.

Bernie's gonna give himself a heart attack if he's not careful!

How could that Mary say that that was noise pollution?

But it was alright for her to blast out classical music all day! I know.

It's ridiculous, isn't it? She said Berenice had a voice like a strangled parakeet!

I mean... That sounds like Mary.

You know Mary used to be a singer herself? Apparently.

Why did she do her nut, then, about the gig here

and apply to the council for the noise abatement thing?

What a total loon!

God rest her soul, obviously.

Same again? Yeah, I'll have one. Please.

I prefer acid techno, myself!

How did you hear about Mary complaining? Mick told me.

Mind out the way. Boggles coming through. Mind your backs!

Spitting mad, he was, as well.

Mad enough to kill her?

Mick?! You're joking!

Well, it's possible, isn't it? He's got a motive.

You know what neighbourhood disputes are like.

We can't rule him out.

Yeah, we can, cos the timeline doesn't match. Why not?

So, Mary was killed at 11-ish, right.

After I saw you at the food market,

I'd already dropped Kyra off at her friend Bella's house by then.

So...

...by 11-ish... I was upstairs shagging him.

What?!

I thought you held a candle for Bill?

Well, there's only so much candle-holding a woman can do.

Am I the only person in this village not getting any?

Just because you're not getting any, doesn't mean the rest of us have to act like nuns, does it?

Anyway, he's fit. If you like that sort of thing.

Oh, but don't mention it to Bill.

I wouldn't want him to think that I put it about!

Look. Gemma, look. What are they doing?

God, you are rusty, aren't you?

But she dumped him!

Could have fooled me!

Well, that's exactly what she's done.

She's fooled everyone.

I'm sorry - what is your problem?

It's called a kiss. It's a young person's thing.

Oh, you think you're so smart, don't you?

You see, Beth here, she's played everyone.

Your mother's murder was all about money, wasn't it?

Daddy pulled your allowance,

but that's no problem cos you were about to get a load more from your mother, weren't you?

But there were certain conditions.

Maybe that any suitors needed Mother's approval.

Is that why she had this one followed?

What are you talking about?

I didn't care what she thought.

Really?

I think you murdered your mother.

And did it in such a way that it pointed the finger of suspicion

at all our green-fingered friends

so that you could get your hands on not just your 21st birthday money,

but every penny that your mother owned.

And now free and liberated from all her tyranny

you've hurled yourself back into his big, bulging biceps!

(CRUNCHES CRISP)

No takers, then?

(SILENCE CONTINUES)

Beth came to see me this morning.

She'd just been to see her mother's lawyers

and very kindly asked for her entire inheritance to be donated to the village appeal.

All of it?

Not really a huge fan of materialism, to be honest.

Plus, sadly, me and my mum were never that close

so it would just seem wrong taking her money now.

So how come she took you back?

I promised to stop shagging about.

I mean, how was I supposed to know that Beth was a saint?

What is wrong with young people these days?

Don't they want to milk their parents for money?

Do you think we should go in? It's the second half now.

Hang on a sec. What did Bill say about how Mary was killed?

That it wasn't garden wire, it was metal, but thinner.

Like a guitar string?

Maybe it's not just the notes she strangles!

You disappeared!

You went out the back. You could have come back for an encore!

You could have done another six songs.

(OWL HOOTS)

Good night. Sleep well. Thanks, Bernie!

Thank you. Absolutely marvellous. Good night. Night-night!

(POLICE SIREN)

Suspects heading south down Carsely Lane.

Very fast!

Very fast indeed!

Someone's coming!

No-one two-times me, you loser!

Mick? Never mind him!

Just tell me one thing. How did you feel when Mary Fortune tried to cancel your gig?

Did she? She doesn't know. I didn't mention it to her.

Oh. OK.

Was Mary Fortune ever rude to you about your singing? No. Why?

What is this? Important is what it is.

A dig, a rude remark, a nasty comment. "Voice like a strangled parakeet"?

Ring any bells? No. What, did she say that? Well, she never said anything to me.

Hello! How you doing? Hello!

Please, have a look.

(GENERAL CHATTER)

Just the one, please. A pound, please.

Thank you.

(DIALS A NUMBER)

You didn't catch the joyriders, did you?

No. They just disappeared into thin air.

Hmm. Somewhere down there, maybe?

Yeah. How did you know?

Car keys. I should have realised it earlier, Bill.

Why do you think we all take it in turns to take the Boggles out on day trips?

Because they don't have a car? Exactly.

Well, Sarah took them to Birmingham last week and they said they got lost.

Only they didn't. They went shopping and then they made their own way home.

And last night, they were in the pub with a set of car keys.

(CAR ENGINE REVS)

(REVVING INCREASES)

Give her another blast, Mrs B.

Ah!

Well, I always wanted to be a fast and furious speed freak. Freak.

Never too late! Brum-brum!

...To follow your dream.

They're going like hotcakes! They've gone so well.

We've sold so many! Good stuff!

Agatha, hello!

Awfully fond of Berenice, aren't you, Bernie?

Oh, she's a lovely girl. Just needs her confidence building, that's all.

Last night did her a power of good.

With her new guitar that you got for her.

Oh, well. It was a special occasion.

Yes, that Mary tried to stop happening.

Oh, and when she compared Berenice to a strangled parakeet!

You couldn't handle that, could you?

I don't know what you mean!

I mean, you could cope with the fish,

but anyone being horrible about Berenice...

I mean, just what was Mary's problem?

Was it jealousy?

I wasn't aware there was a problem.

I think "strangled parakeet" was really putting it mildly.

What? Well, I don't think so.

Giving tone-deaf birds a bad name, eh, Bill?

Absolutely. Enough to make your ears bleed.

You should have heard what they were saying in the pub last night.

Well, they're wrong. I think you need to stop giving people like Berenice false hopes.

I'm not. She's very talented.

Much fairer to be straight with her and put her out of her misery,

like the talentless no-hoper that she is.

In fact, do you know what? I'm going to go and tell her right now.

No, you mustn't! You can't! Watch me!

Was that your fear with Mary?

Is that what you thought she was going to do?

Come on, Bernie, admit it.

You strangled her with a guitar string.

Mary was poison!

Why? Because she was a thwarted singer?

She was bitter and twisted that she never made it.

As soon as she discovered I was a music teacher,

she never stopped talking about her singing!

How she'd given it up to get married,

like she was the only one who ever had a dream.

She'd have done anything she could to crush Berenice's hopes.

And you couldn't have that. Berenice's confidence would never have recovered.

And she deserves the chance to feel good about herself.

We all do. Well, maybe Mary did, too.

Instead of which, you planted her.

Bernie Spott... In my day... I am arresting you... we stood up to bullies.

...for the murder of Mary Fortune. That's what she was, a bully! But no-one said anything!

Anything you say can be used... It's alright. Don't worry. I'll be fine!

You'll get over it, dear. Come on, now.

And now the moment you've all been waiting for.

We find out the winner of this year's best garden.

The award for best garden goes to...

...joint winners, Sarah Bloxby and Mrs Josephs.

Congratulations.

Well done, darling!

And now we have an award for best original garden.

The recipient of this year's award for most original garden is...

Agatha Raisin!

Yes!

Are you sure? OK, Beth, do you want to get out, now?

Thank you!

There's nice for her!

Love you, green fingers!

Woo!

Thank you all very much for taking part...

Photographers, this way, please. Do your thing, babe.

OK. Get as much as you want.

The "It Girl" with a conscience.

"A global blogging sensation who gave her inheritance to the church." Gold dust!

A lot of fuss, though, isn't it, all that?

You don't miss it, do you, all that shenanigans?

Nah. Been there, done that.

What I really miss is...

Chips? Oh! Mmm!