Original subtitles

Of course your charity film night is going to be a success,

Charlie boy.

Good morning! Morning.

I have run national events.

I've run global events.

Well, you just need to make sure it's all organised at your end.

Yes, well, there is certainly a buzz around here.

Right.

I would love to, but I am off on a five-mile hike. Bye.

VACUUM CLEANER HUMS

Hi! Oh, all right?

Hi, Hodge!

SHE CLICKS LIPS

Oh, hello!

More stuff for the film night, is it? No.

I'm going rambling.

Rambling?

It's what people do in the countryside. They ramble.

I just want to blend in.

Hey, you should come.

PHONE RINGS

Fancy a walk? Yeah, all right.

Mmm.

SHE BLOWS WHISTLE

Well, shouldn't you get that? No.

It'll just be Roy with some London PR nonsense.

Quite frankly, I'm done with all that.

Ah...

Ta-dah!

How do I look? Oh, hello.

Who are you trying to impress?

There she is.

The subject of this week's walk and talk and your future home, Mary.

The Carsley.

Where I've got this feeling I'm going to be blissfully happy.

Originally a Saxon settlement, isn't?

You know your history.

There have been people living here since the seventh century.

AGATHA OUT OF BREATH

And isn't it true that Carsley is also famous for its cotton,

if we're to believe Pevsner?

And Lions. Lions?

All right, not lions,

but long-back Cotswold sheepy things used to live around here.

Much prized throughout Europe apparently.

If we are to believe the beer mats in the pub. Beer mats!

Oh, you're funny, Tabatha. Agatha.

You coming to the film night, James? Of course we are.

James and I wouldn't dream of missing your little event.

We're bringing a picnic, aren't we?

Indeed. Marvellous.

TWO GUNSHOTS

Sorry, mate, but we ain't budging.

Going nowhere. Comprende?

You are meant to keep to the public footpaths and have been given

repeated warnings to stay away from these crops.

Five...

Jessica. Four.

For once just, just leave it. Yeah, definitely not worth dying for.

Come on, Kirsty. Let's go.

Kirsty?

You'll stand by me, won't you?

Erm...

Sorry...Jess.

That's what's wrong with you people. You think you own the bloody

Actually, I do.

Or at least this little bit of it anyway.

Charlie Fraith.

Gustav, put the gun down.

Then as you well know from our copious correspondence, there is

an ancient right-of-way across your field and we intend to use it.

And as you know from my equally copious responses,

my crops have grown over any pathway.

Tough.

Well, couldn't we, I mean, if it's OK with you, go round the edge?

Great. I have no problem with that.

Deborah. We've met once or twice in the village. Debs.

THEY LAUGH

What is wrong with you people?

We are doing this because of capitalists like him

eroding our basic human rights.

Remember?

I thought we were doing it because we like walking.

If we don't make a stand, where will it all end?

On the other side of the field if you go round the edge.. THEY LAUGH

Patronising snob.

Two...one.

Gustav... Jess, come on.

Now, I really...come on.

Call yourself a man?

Can't you grow a pair for once?

I'll be back! Come on. Get off!

MARY: That was a nice warm-up. When do we go on the real walk?

JAMES: I can think of another way to warm up. MARY LAUGHS

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

DOOR CREAKS

Is anybody there?

Have I, er...?

Are we...?

This is my cottage, isn't it?

Oh! Aggie, darling. What happened?

You look awful.

Why are you here? I've been dumped.

I had to get out of London.

Is that my...? You don't mind, do you? No.

I am however a little curious about the, er...

elephant in the room.

Well, not exactly elephant, although, erm...

Naked man.

Sitting in the middle of my living room with his chakras

all over my designer rug.

Ring any balls...bells?

That's Kuzan. He's a naked yoga teacher.

Comfort shag.

AGATHA SIGHS

He doesn't say very much, does he?

And yet he's clearly not shy.

What's this?

It's a film event.

I've been helping publicise it.

Oh, I don't know.

I can't even find a man and yet you...

You find yourself a drop-dead gorgeous one,

hung like a hoover, the second you get dumped.

How is juicy James, anyway?

As far as I know, he is fine.

Who's that hottie with him?

That'll be Mary Fortune, marking her territory.

A divorcee.

She bakes, gardens and flirts and not necessarily in that order.

Agatha, You're a genius. Oh, well...

Well done. I owe you.

Charles Shagger Fraith. Owns this place.

Seems to like you.

No, he just likes the fact that I've helped make this event,

and therefore him, popular.

There is a difference.

Still, you're clearly making your mark.

Trying.

I'm really trying.

Ladies, welcome to Barfield House.

Please help yourselves to a drink.

You look absolutely stunning.

That dress is gorgeous.

This old thing?

Don't be silly.

Oh. Cheers. Cheers.

You didn't tell me this was his gaffe. Does it really matter?

Obviously. I almost didn't recognise you without your axe to grind.

Would you like to look around?

Really? Could I?

We'll have to fumigate the place afterwards.

JESSICA: Hello. KIRSTY: Hello.

Well, I am going back walking again tomorrow

whether you chickens are coming or not. It's a point of principle.

Just let it go, will you?

We want to be able to enjoy our evening without you banging on.

What about you, Kirsty?

You're much more of a rider on the edge of darkness, aren't you?

What is it you do again?

Me? Oh, nothing, really.

Like Jessica and Jeff, I'm just a teacher.

Physics.

But that's wonderful.

It's nothing compared to all this.

It must be amazing to be part of all this history and...heritage.

Well, I suppose it does show what can be achieved with a little bit of effort. Hmm.

Can get lonely, though.

SERVANT CLEARS THROAT

Sir, the film.

It's about to start.

Have you ever seen The Ladykillers before? No.

It's an interesting choice for Charlie Fraith to be showing at his first event.

THEY LAUGH

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Barfield

and our first charity film screening.

I hope there will be many more. Enjoy.

APPLAUSE

MARY: Oh, James!

MARY LAUGHS

Coming in for a quick one?

AGATHA GROANS

I bet you say that to all the girls.

Victim is Jessica Tartinck, belonged to a group of ramblers from Dembley.

Farm labourer Joe Noakes found her first thing.

One word, constable. Alibi.

Check him. That's why I have a 100% strike rate with solving murders.

We've only had one, which Agatha solved.

Mr Noakes, where were you earlier this morning? I was home, then here.

And did you see anything? Or notice anyone acting suspicious?

Sir Charles, arguing, like.

Who with? Her.

Right old ding-dong. Shouting and bellowing.

I left them to it and headed over to the other field, but couldn't

find my spade, so came back and that's when I found the body.

Anything else? Anything at all?

Aye, saw Sir Charles on the horizon. Running, he was.

Fast.

What did I tell you? No alibi.

No, but he did just place Sir Charles behaving

suspiciously at the scene of the crime,

around the time of the murder.

Don't believe this. It's ridiculous!

Come on, look, of course I was running. I was out jogging.

Save it for the judge.

Aw! Sorry.

SIREN

DOORBELL RINGS

Ah, Agatha. What?

This is a friend of mine from the church, Deborah Camden.

I need your help.

OK.

I think the police are making a terrible mistake,

suspecting Charlie.

It's much more likely it was that manservant of his. He threatened us.

OK. Well, that's all very interesting, but where do I fit in?

Ah, that's my fault. I might have mentioned that you're...

An expert in these matters. Oh. Well, I wouldn't go that far.

Oh, but we so appreciated what you did before.

Charlie's only just been released.

He's still a suspect, but it can't have been him.

I need you to find out who really killed Jessica.

I can fill you in on who's who and what's what.

Will you? For Charlie? Please?

There's been a murder, Gemma.

No. No, I have not bumped off Mary.

Just get your tush over here right now.

KNOCKS ON DOOR Good morning!

What's happened?

I've got another case and you are going to get me some

background info. I've got to go to work. Yes, you do. For me!

Where's Khusan?

Oh, no!

Oh, God!

Khusan?

Khusan?

Khusan!

No, Khusan!

Put it away!

So, this is Dembley and according to Deborah,

the victim, Jessica Tartinck.

Suspects... TOY SQUEAKS

..Charlie boy and his gun wielding manservant, Gustav,

Deborah's walker mates,

which include Jeff, Jessica's boyfriend, and two ladies

that work at the garden centre in Dembley, Kirsty and Alice.

And what about Joe Noakes? Cos he found the body, didn't he?

Yeah.

Joe Noakes.

What? We're just brainstorming.

It's what we do in PR, we just kick stuff around, think outside the box.

Throw stuff at the wall. See what sticks.

You don't know where to start, do you? No idea.

You? Well, in terms of the murder scene,

there were two ways across the field to where Jessica was killed.

One going towards the house there, the other one

going diagonally across, where the crops are heavier there.

So, the killer could have easily come from the diagonal,

hidden by the crops, which is good news for the salt pot.

Oh, er, Sir Charlie, yeah. Means he could be innocent. Hey, hey.

Where do you think you're going?

Where's my research? Something of the campaigner, your Jessica.

Ancient rights of way, road protests, fracking.

You name it, she's banged on about it.

She must have made a lot of enemies.

Right. Well, we have to speak to Sir Charles as soon as we can.

Roy. Yes. I need you to do a little bit of digging on the rest

of the ramblers for me. Fast. Mwah, mwah. Mwah, mwah. Bye, Aggie.

Goodbye, Khusan.

Mefiez-vous le l'illusion de la connaissance.

Le meffy... Meffy what-what?

RINGS DOORBELL

Hello. Remember me? Agatha Raisin.

And you are? Her cleaner.

The PR woman and her cleaner.

Ooh, James. What are you doing here?

I could ask you the same question. I asked James to come over.

I'm in a spot of trouble.

So I gather. Deborah Camden asked me to investigate the murder.

What can you find out that the police can't?

Heel marks, for a start.

Lots of them. Now, who would come out here in heels?

Any women visiting this morning, Charlie boy?

No.

Right. Well, we shall continue with our inquiries then.

How exactly? By thinking outside the box, James.

Throwing our brains against the wall and seeing what sticks.

You could always just get a good lawyer. How about...?

Bit of a stupid idea, OK,

how about you two go undercover to suss out the ramblers?

We could do.

Why would we do that? You haven't met them, have you?

They don't know who you are in Dembley.

You could get Deborah to introduce you to everyone.

Then steam on in, do the biz, Bob's your uncle.

What do you mean by "the biz" exactly? The investigating. Right.

And you're right, it's a terrible idea.

Well, I've got to do something, James.

And if it's any help, I own a cottage in Dembley.

Ooh, thank you, God.

CHURCH BELL

Here we are.

How long are you staying? As long as it takes.

To get Charlie off the hook and find the killer.

I'll...take the spare room.

MOBILE RINGS

SHE SIGHS

Hi, Aggie. It's Roy.

What? I think I've got something for you.

It's about Jeff Benson. Well, I'm all ears.

Urgh...

I'll send it over right away.

MESSAGE ALERT

Hiya, Jeff. Are you still up for meeting later?

It's OK, Kirsty. I know you saw Jess after the film night.

Nothing happened.

Jeff, I promise.

Another word for you - stakeout.

Perfect view of the garden centre at 11 o'clock,

where two of our possible suspects are working.

And over there, at three o'clock, the pub, where the

deceased's boyfriend, Jeff Benson, is hanging out.

Notice anything?

He's smoking a fag.

My trained eyes see something different.

A man in a pub in the middle of the day.

I'd say that was the sign of a guilty conscience.

Or a man lost cos his girlfriend's just been murdered.

Oh, he's on the move.

Deborah Camden's joined them too.

They're all in on it.

Or meeting for a coffee.

'Jeff Benson...'

What are THEY doing here?

So Deborah's going to introduce us as new friends that she's just met.

You all set? As I'll ever be.

Understated and natural, that's how we're playing it.

Low key is my middle name, James.

Come along.

Hi. Hi!

Can I...introduce some friends of mine? This is...

Mr and Mrs Lacey. James and Agatha.

Or Aggie and...JJ.

We've just moved in to the area

and there is nothing we like more than to ramble,

if you'll pardon the expression.

Yes, we've heard all about your group, the campaigns,

the rights of way.

I think we're probably finished with all that nonsense now.

Maybe we should carry on in Jess's memory.

The campaigns were led by a friend of ours. They were her thing.

Not her only thing.

Have some respect.

I don't think you've picked the right moment, to be honest.

Our friend, she went out on a walk and was killed.

Oh. Oh, how awful.

Why did Jess go out on her own...?

I'm just wondering, with you being a group and all?

Sorry, can we not do this now? I'm really not in the mood! Of course.

I think it's best if we leave you to it.

If you do decide to go out again, we'd love to join you.

Aggie? Yes.

Darling?

JJ? What are you doing, saying we're married?

What are YOU doing, making us leave? The boyfriend was about to open up.

Yeah, and land a punch on you.

And don't get me started on lipstick lesbians.

Alice and Kirsty. They're gay and they're an item.

Alice was wearing a rainbow bracelet

and she was not at all happy about Kirsty being nice about Jess.

Not now, Bill. Jeff Benson, find out why he resigned from his job.

Where are we going? To wait for our saucy Sapphic sisters.

The Laceys seemed nice, didn't they?

I don't know, they seemed a bit odd to me.

There's something not right.

I'll catch you up.

OK.

Hello again. I'm sorry if I put my foot in it in the cafe.

No. No, it's um... It's not your fault.

Everything's just a bit raw at the moment.

I'm sure. Well, I'm a good listener, if it's any help.

James. What are you doing here?

Compost. In need of compost.

Was that Agatha you were with? What? No!

Well, yes. Sort of.

Oh! Which is it? Just bumped into her.

Fancy that! Aha, fancy!

So, you'll be free to join me for something to eat later then? What?

I mean...that would be great.

That must be hard, though, you know, working together.

And being a couple.

Is it that obvious?

We don't like to shout about it. The village isn't that understanding.

What happened the other night?

We went to film night and it kicked off afterwards.

But not about walking, right? No.

Jess, she um...

She made a pass at me.

She used her sexuality as a weapon. No-one was safe.

Anyway, nothing happened, but try telling the others that.

I um... I should get back.

(Come on, pick up.)

(James, it's me.)

(I'm in the Wendy House!)

(I think I'm on to something!)

SHOVEL SCRAPES

Argh!

Bill!

What are you doing, creeping around? Who are you to talk?

What are you and James Lacey doing in Dembley?

Posing as a married couple.

Why didn't you ask me? Oh, Bill! Just tell me about Jeff Benson.

The school say he left my mutual consent.

Well, that's a PR phrase, if ever there was one.

THAT means he did something bad.

Bill.

This is cosy.

Listen, we have got suspects with real motives.

Jess made a pass at Kirsty.

Really? Really? I know.

This place is a hotbed of seething sexuality.

Clearly, I'm living in the wrong village.

Anyway, I don't suppose that would have pleased

either of their partners, Jeff or Alice.

Do I need a funny handshake or can anyone come in?

Right, what's going on?

Uh-oh.

Police business. DOLL WHIMPERS

SHE MOUTHS

Deborah. Agatha. Hi.

I could use a second opinion. What do you think of this one?

Gorgeous, or what? Absolutely fabulous.

Where are you going?

Charlie's got rid of that horrid Gustav and asked me over.

This could be my one-way ticket to becoming somebody.

Charlie's managed it. Why can't I?

Today, a physics teacher, tomorrow, Lady Fraith.

Lady Fraith?! That's a little bit of a leap, isn't it?

No, tonight's THE night. What...?

I think he's going to propose.

What?! Whoa, whoa. Hang on a sec.

Really? I hope so. It's all been such a whirlwind.

See, he's my first...real boyfriend.

Anyway, enough about me.

How's the investigation going?

Er...OK.

Why don't you tell me about your friends? Where did you all meet?

Through work. I got a job at the same school as Jessica and Jeff.

Hmm.

Did you know she swung both ways? Jess?

No way. I had no idea.

STRANGE MEOWS OUTSIDE

Meow.

Meow!

Meow.

Bill?

I thought I'd check on Hodge.

Oh. Well, Aggie asked me to do that.

Missing Agatha, are you?

No.

What's all this?

Yeah, that's all the suspects at the scene. If you include this one.

What's with the quote?

Yeah, Aggie thinks that's a gift from the gods, that.

Thank you. Wife at home, is she?

Yes. Yes, she is.

Did he say something about "wife"? Wi-Fi.

Oh.

Cheers.

Argh!

BANGING

CHURCH BELL RINGS

Agatha... Zip it, stranger!

And what do you think you're playing at, JJ?

I've been slaving over a hot stove for hours... Hang on, just a second.

..cooking your dinner. Will somebody please tell me what's going on?

And you can tell this trollop where to get off.

I'm not going to stay here and be insulted! Good.

Because you're not welcome. You are in the wrong village!

Deborah, it's Jeff.

ANSWERPHONE BEEPS

I've said I'm sorry.

OK, and I get that I may have overreacted a little. A little?!

I'm getting my stuff and leaving.

Don't be so ridiculous. Why would you do that?

I never said that I would be here this evening.

You had no right to assume otherwise. You are not my wife!

DOOR SLAMS

ANSWERPHONE BEEPS

'James. Charlie.

'Agatha is an absolute star.

'Couldn't get you on the mobile, but just so you know, the ramblers

'weren't sure about you until Agatha kicked off at the pub.

'Now, they're convinced you're a married couple!

'Tell her from me, she's a great actress. Bye.'

ENGINE STARTS

Aggie, watch out!

Have I died?

You had quite a shock.

Thank you for saving me.

I owed you,

for not realising that your little stunt in the pub was an act.

Yeah...

You were faking, weren't you?

We need to find out who was driving the car.

I know who the car belongs to.

Come through. Thank you. It's Gustav's day off. Ah.

Coffee? Lovely.

Thanks.

You've got your feet firmly under the table, haven't you?

So, did he go down on one knee then? Not yet.

How can I help?

I know you drive a Land Rover most of the time,

but do you still have that old Cortina?

I can't bear to part with it. Aw.

Did you use it last night? No, we were here all night.

Why? Does anyone else use it? Well, the keys are in the kitchen.

Gustav sometimes takes it out.

Gustav?

KNOCKS ON DOOR Hello?

Hm.

He usually goes shooting up the road on his days off.

Would you look at that? Heels!

That's right, Bill. Shooting range near Barfield House.

Yes, of course. We'll leave you to it.

The police are heading over there. What's wrong?

I just don't get it. Why would Gustav try and run me over?

Because you were on to him.

That's just it. I wasn't. Nothing had gone wrong with Gustav's plan.

So why risk breaking cover? Maybe he cracked under pressure.

Doesn't really look like the cracking type.

Are you coming or what?

GUNSHOTS

Pull.

GUNSHOT

What do you want?

I knew it was you.

It had to be.

Come on, guys.

Put the guns down. I want justice for Jessica. We all do.

He threatened us. He warned her. You were trespassing.

I said, put the guns down.

Where were you last night when Sir Charles was with Deborah?

Leicester.

I promised Sir Charles' father I would protect him,

so I took my car and went to see where Deborah grew up,

to try and understand what she's up to.

Can anyone confirm that you were there? Her parents can. They saw me.

They came out and told me to go away.

Well, if he didn't do it, who did? Well, you could have, for starters.

Possibly jealous of Jess's voracious sexual appetite.

I didn't give a damn about them. It's a free world.

Really? Well, why did you leave your job under a cloud?

Pupil heard about Jessica's bisexuality and mocked for it.

She didn't give a damn, but I...lashed out.

I made a mistake.

Defending her honour.

Jess was trouble, all right. But she was my trouble.

She was everything to me and I loved her.

I didn't kill her.

Wouldn't lay a finger on her.

Jeff.

Put the gun down.

DISTANT SIRENS

Nobody move!

Should we go back to bed?

Um...

Listen, I think we've had enough of that, don't you?

It's time to get serious.

Look, we've had our meaningless fun.

And now it's over.

Right?

I'm sorry.

You think someone's framing Gustav? Yes, I do.

And Sir Charles said he leaves his car keys in the kitchen,

do pretty much anyone could have taken them last night.

The murderer being who? Alice is our main suspect now.

Jess made a pass at her girlfriend. She knows we're sniffing around.

Maybe she stole the car and tried to run Agatha down.

Well, we'll bring her in.

Oh. I saw your suspects table. You're one short, by the way.

You were missing a monkey. And I cracked your message from the gods.

Beware the illusion of knowledge.

What does that mean? No idea.

What was Bill on about - monkeys? Oh, my suspects table.

He thinks I've missed someone out, but we just didn't include Deborah

because she's the one who asked me to investigate...

SHE GASPS That's it!

Brake like that again, it will be.

Which way is Charlie's again?

That way.

But I'm very happy to walk!

Sex! Sex! It's all about sex! Two hands on the wheel, please!

Deborah was stunned when I mentioned Jessica's bisexuality.

I thought it was because she didn't know about it,

but what if it was that she was more horrified that I did know?

But Deborah was with Charlie last night. She could have snuck off.

We're only down the road.

But as you said, she'd asked you to investigate.

To help get Charlie off the hook.

Come on! HORN BEEPS

I think she framed Gustav, totally underestimated me.

No, no, no!

CRASH AND GLASS SMASHES

Oh...!

Bloody road hog!

What do we do now?

We ramble.

Charlie's in danger.

Why? You said that Deborah thinks he's going to propose.

Yes, and you said he wasn't about to any time soon.

And if he doesn't? Hell hath no fury!

Urgh.

I'll give you meaningless fun!

Bill?

Barfield House. Now.

Where's Charles? There's been an accident.

I think he's killed himself. Only he hasn't, has he, Deborah?

Something that Kirsty said?

That Jessica used her sexuality as a weapon and that nobody was safe?

You weren't safe, were you?

I don't know what you mean.

Kirsty was strong enough to resist Jessica's advances.

But you weren't, were you? New girl in town,

an innocent, ripe for the taking?

What happened?

It... It was just one night.

It had all been forgotten until I sat there after the film night

and told her I was going to marry Charlie.

She laughed in my face, wondered what he'd think

if he knew I'd slept with her.

She was going to tell him. And you couldn't risk that.

This was my chance. This was my shot.

I just wanted something more.

SIRENS IN DISTANCE Can you understand that?

Yes, I can.

That's great news. I'm really pleased to hear it.

OK, speak later.

Bye.

Well, the hospital's going to keep him in overnight,

but Charlie is going to be fine.

And he says that he's eternally grateful.

So, what about you and Mary?

I sent her some flowers.

Sorry,

if I complicated things.

Ready to go?

Yeah.

Ready.

Hey, it's arrived.

Khusan's naked yoga video.

Are we doing yoga? No, not doing it! Watching it.

Oh. SHE CHUCKLES

KNOCKS ON DOOR

Thank you!

How was married life then?

Overrated.