All language subtitles for the-simpsons.s31.e20.720p._tvseriesboy.com_

(chuckles, whoops)

� �

(shrieks)

(school bell rings)

(grunts)

� �

(playing lively music)

(tires screech)

D'oh!

(grunts)

(theme to Succession playing)

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� �

None of you
will inherit anything.

Because there isn't any.

(grunts)

D'oh.

Previously on The Simpsons,

a charismatic new preacher
came to Springfield.

You want to hold my gun?

You-you can.
(chuckles)

BROCKMAN:
And Lisa admired him

like no adult man
she'd ever met.

This brunch has turned into...

a jazz brunch!

BROCKMAN:
Reverend Lovejoy

lost his job and swore reveng.

This is...

� �

-(tires screeching)
-(Jimbo laughing)

-(overlapping chatter)
-This preacher is so amazing.

I'm looking forward to this.

This is the first time
I've come to church

when it's not part
of a big montage

of my enemies being whacked.

Whoa! Hey! Whoa!

Well, someone looks awfully nice
for church.

Oh, this thing?

Are you sure
you aren't just attracted

to our handsome new pastor?

Silly. Moms aren't attracted
to pastors.

(chuckles)

Oh, this place is so crowded.

My leg is touching
Milhouse's dad's.

Looks like we're knee neighbors,
huh, buddy?

(whimpers)

Mr. Smithers.

I don't think I've ever seen you
without Mr. Burns.

Oh, Mr. Burns
is more comfortable at home

reading his copies
of the scriptures.

"Blessed be the poor"?

I'm just finding this out now?

No one must know.

Exodus.

Good morning.

ALL:
Good morning.

For those of you interested
in the Packers game...

We don't want to know.

So, I know some of you still
have some questions about me.

I certainly do.

Will you be godfather to my son?

(chuckles)
We're not there yet, Mel.

But, seriously, fewer and fewer
people are coming to church.

Numbers are declining.
And I get it.

When you tell people
that you believe in God,

usually they take that to mean

that you're quietly judging
their lifestyle

or think everybody but you
is going to Hell.

Way to preach, bitch.

I'm gonna pretend
I heard "amen."

Oh, relax, bitch.

(groans)

The original function
of religion

was to bring us together.
"Religion."

"Ligio," like "ligament."

It means to reconnect.

They don't teach you that
at medical school.

Yes, they do.

Well, I learn from my mistakes.

Malpractice makes malperfect.

Well, I want
to bring us all together.

Not just Christians
but Hindus and Buddhists.

Even those that don't believe.

Does anyone besides me

miss church the way it was?

(crickets chirping)

(sighs)
Well, the crickets agree.

This church has gone from
a place of warm, awkward silence

into a gooey lovefest run
by a narcissistic kum-bah-yo-yo,

and I will not stand for it.

You and I believe
in the same God.

I just believe
that that God loves everyone.

You don't agree with that, Ned?

Sir, we are not
on a first-name basis.

Mr. Flanders.

You may call me
New Evangelical Deacon,

or Ned for short.

Okay, Ned, look,
God is the love,

the "yes"
that set the universe in motion.

He or She...

(sighs)

Maybe this time.

� Maybe this time �

� I'll believe it �

� Maybe this time I'll pray �

� Maybe this time �

� For the first time �

� I'll have fun �

� On Sunday �

� He will sermonize �

� With those hazel eyes �

� I've got Buddha �

� I've got science �

� And now Jesus makes three �

� It's gonna happen �

� Happen sometime �

� Maybe this time �

� I'll pray. �

Not bad, kid. Also not good.

Let me show you how it's done.
And a one, and a two.

Hey!

(grunting)

Aw, sleeping in church.

Like father like daughter.

God is nothing but grace
and flow and forgiveness.

And if you don't think so,

I-I don't know,
maybe you should go back

and read the Bible
a little bit closer.

Are you questioning a man
who travels with extra Bibles

to put them in hotel rooms?

Do you mind?

I'm sure you're very sincere,

but a parrot
can recite the Bible

and have no idea what it means.

What? What? What?

This isn't church anymore.

We're out of here.

Daddy, we can't leave
before the pastor says so.

-Who told you that?
-You did.

You call it "Homer Simpson-ing."

(groans)

Yeah, don't Homer Simpson,
you jerk.

This is where he got fired.

Now we're gonna poke

into Mr. Perfect Pastor's
pysterious past.

Did you just say "pysterious"?

Can't you be on my side
for once?

Excuse me,
we're looking for the pastor.

Oh, we don't have pastors.
But our touch screen directory

does have a digital assistant.

Hi, I'm Holy Cow.

How can I help you?

Please give us your fingerprint
by pressing this screen.

(laughs)

You haven't pressed anything.

Why not?

I'd like to speak to someone
below God and above you.

Well, maybe you can find
what you need in here.

How many of you suffer from
the effects of mesothelioma?

Dial Jesus at ocho, ocho, ocho,

ocho, ocho, ocho, ocho.

(applause and cheering)

� �

(shrieking)

Please help us.

This man is a fellow clergyman.

Really?

BOTH:
Church, steeple,

doors, people!

Come with me.

-(knocking)
-Preacher Mac?

I have a couple here to see you.

I'm here to discuss a matter
of some unpleasantness.

You're not here from
The Boston Globe, are you?

No, no, no, no, no.
I'm a pastor, too.

I hear there's a little dirt
on the collar of a man

who used to preach here,
Bode Wright.

Him?!

You better sit down.

It's a short story,
but I'm gonna milk it.

I would go on, but I am down
to my last vocal cord.

Even for a pastor,

I've taken way too long
to make a simple point.

Now...

here's the proof.

Oh, my God, so many
singles in my area

want to meet me.

Hmm.

Possessions don't matter,

money doesn't matter,
this doesn't matter.

Is he burning
what I think he's burning?

I've got him now.

Lisa Marie Simpson,
are you reading the Bible?

Yes, it's good, but...

I have a few notes.

Yeah, well I never met a Hittite

who wasn't trying to expand
his empire into Egypt.

Oh, Hittites...
worse than the Canaanites!

Oh, now who's doing this because
of the handsome new pastor?

Reverend Wright?

You think he's...

Oh, why pretend?

When he speaks, I feel like
he's speaking only to me.

Oh, Lisa, honey, I'm worried
you'll get too attached.

This town has a way of rejecting
what's new and different.

And better.

Not this time.

(groans)
But look at your vision board.

It's full of nothing
but crushing disappointment.

Ha-ha!

Even your vision board
is a failure.

That hook was supposed to hold

a lifetime's worth
of disappointment.

(crying)

(tires screeching)

Get thee behind me, Saturn.

I need to pee.

No time.
We've got defrocking to do.

Timothy,
I've never seen you like this.

Maybe I'll do
some defrocking, too.

In the choo choo room?

Okay, mood's gone.

Two beers, Moe.

Nothing for the reverend.

Oh, howdy there, Rev.

Well, can't let him see
my nudie glasses.

You didn't have to break
your nudie glasses.

Now you tell me.
Uh, remind me--

how many boobs
does a woman have?

I never got so much
off my chest.

So, then I coveted
my neighbor's riding mower.

I never pedal when I'm
on a bicycle built for two.

-Homer...
-I went trick-or-treating

when I was 30.

Also, I told Marge
I was going for a colonoscopy

when I actually went to
a Planet of the Apes marathon.

Including the Tim Burton one.

God doesn't care.

Hallelujah!

Please.
I make my living in here.

Sorry. So am I forgiven?

You're a good man,
Homer Simpson.

Behind all your behavior,
good and bad,

there's a still, quiet place

untouched by the dramas
of this life

where you simply are goodness.

Oh, you haven't heard
the worst one.

I had impure thoughts

about the mother bear
in the toilet paper ads.

(phone buzzes)

FLANDERS:
Reverend? If that is
your real honorific.

You are late
for our parishioners' visit.

I've been preparing all day.

Uh, sorry.
I've got to go.

Homer, does this Flanders guy
ever annoy you?

From time to time.

(horns honking)

Move it, move it, move it.

(brakes hiss)

All right.

Which arm did the honking?

I'm not telling.

(sighs)

FLANDERS:
Come in.

� �

You, sir,
have challenged me on scripture.

� �

Oh. Well, if it's scripture
you want to talk,

then let us make a joyful noise
unto the Lord.

-Good.
-Good.

� �

Punishment is the key to belief.

Matthew 25:46.

"They will go away to
eternal punishment, but the..."

"...righteous to eternal life."
Sure.

But God's grace is for everyone.

John 12:32.

"I will draw all people..."

"...up to myself." Hmm.

(chuckles)
What about 2 Thessalonians 1:9?

"They will suffer the punishment
of eternal destruction..."

Romans 11:32.

"He may have mercy on them all."

Them all.

� �

(song ends)

Genesis 3:23.

"So the Lord banished him
from the Garden."

Genesis 1:31.

"God saw all that He had made,

and it was very good."

Bang.

(groans)

I'm cold, so cold.

And I'm wearing three sweaters.

Wow.

This is what it would be like

if they believed in God
in Hawaii.

Reverend,
you come to dinner at my house!

Uh, yeah,
I'm gonna take a rain check.

So many checks,

so little rain.

Stop this revelry!

Who are you?!

(gasps)
Reverend Lovejoy!

And I'm just back from Michigan.

Can you point accusingly for me?

You got it.

This man is a heretic.

(gasping)

(quietly):
Oh, no. No, Lisa, don't.

Wait, wait, wait!

Surely, we know the reverend
is a blessed man who...

Lisa, I did something bad.

How bad could it be?
Seriously.

(overlapping chatter)

Well, look at you,

finally paying attention to me.

One brief announcement:
there's a red Honda Civic

in the parking lot
with its lights on.

You're losing them.

He burned the Bible.

(gasping)

Oh, boy.

That's appalling.
I mean, come on.

Psalms are not for burning.
They're for tattoos.

So, you know, you sicken me.

Everything in my heart tells me
this isn't true!

I know this is a weird thing
to say in church,

but we need proof.

I demand a full hearing
in front of all of us!

Oh, you'll get your hearing.

Tuesday at 4:00.

Another paradise lost.

Lisa, you're really bringing
down the first Sunday of Lent.

Even the fire eater is sad.

The crisis of faith grows
as support for im-preach-ment

is now at 52%.

Can you fight fire with firing?

What should we do
with this Judas priest?

This has been Kent Brockman
talking,

saying nothing.

� �

Oh.

(plays sad notes)

Welcome, all of you.
Let's begin.

Why is she running this?

Because she won't
get overexcited.

And I will?!

And the Bible said,
"A child shall lead them."

Well, as my Lord Buddha said,

"Three things
cannot long be hidden.

The sun, the moon,
and the truth."

Well, why don't they make that
a Google Doodle?

Reverend, you're very concerned
with the Bible.

So, let us turn to that Bible.

Specifically,
the very, very, many parts

that speak about forgiveness.

(playing fanfare)

And, Mom, thank you
for sewing these banners.

I did all that work
for a ten-second bit?

He did it.
He admitted it.

What else do you need?

We've mobbed for less, people.

Yeah, remember the guy with
the two different-colored socks?

Ran his ass right out of town.

Banish him!

CROWD:
Banish him! Banish him!

Cherish him! Cherish him!

I know
another long-haired performer

who preached a new philosophy,

peace and love.

And the crowd was with him,

but then they turned, hard.

And that man's name

was Willie Nelson!

Well, I say, banish him!
Banish him!

CROWD:
Banish him! Banish him!

Stop!

I came here to unify you,
but instead I divided you.

So I'm leaving.

I just hope what I said
resonated with a few of you.

Like Lisa,
one who may change the world.

Aw.

And that Sea Captain guy.
That dude is surprisingly woke.

Yarr, activism means nothing
if it's not intersectional.

Yarr!

Glad to have known you.

I just want to say,
you've changed my life forever.

You're the first minister
I've ever met

I didn't want
to slap across the face.

Glad to have known you.

And I just want to say,
rot in Hell, Bible burner.

Glad to have known you.

-Glad to have...
-Bup-bup-bup.

In my family, you don't say
goodbye to someone

you care about
without a meat loaf.

And broccoli.

You-You're inviting me over
for dinner?

If you can love us
after seeing us eat,

we'll know you really love us.

Come on, pal.
We're having roast Bible.

Huh?
(laughs)

What? Too soon?

(snoring)

I just want to offer
this simple prayer:

Dear God, please let
the Simpsons never end.

ALL:
Amen.

And, Bode,
tomorrow I have to ask you

a philosophical question,
so I'll see you at the church.

Amen.

Where the hell have you been?

Why would you burn a Bible?

Why couldn't you burn
Bill O'Reilly's books?

There are so many.

I was trying to tell people
that God is in your heart,

not in a overbuilt cathedral
or some book.

This town doesn't get subtext.

Our NPR station
broadcasts wrestling.

NPR ANNOUNCER:
And that's an excruciating
half nelson.

Now, is that what's known in
the lexicon as a "face stomp"?

NPR ANNOUNCER 2:
Yes, yes, it is.

NPR ANNOUNCER 1:
This is NPR pledge week.
Please give.

-Why did you do it?
-I was 19.

I saw how people were using
the Bible to divide and exclude.

People were so busy
worshipping a road map

instead of trying
to reach the destination.

You know what I mean?

Well, why didn't you
just say that?

That was fine. No fire.

-I was 19.
-I'm eight and I get it.

(sighs)
You're right.

I've regretted it
since the day I did it.

So, since then,
I've just wandered the world,

like a millennial on a gap year.

I understand, but how
are you gonna convince...?

I'll just have faith
in this town's open heart.

(grunts)

I was just making sure
it doesn't say "We forgive you."

-It doesn't.
-Unless they wrote it in red.

Yeah, no.

-No, they didn't.
-No.

-The brick is the message.
-Them's my people.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

Do we throw it back?
What's your custom?

Uh, Chief, this guy still had
ten minutes on his meter.

Just when I understood that guy,
when I believed again,

when I believed in people,
they took him away.

I've lost my faith, Lou.

Come on, Chief,
you got a beautiful wife

(laughs):
and kid-- I can't...

I'm sorry, I can't say that
with a straight face.

-Well, you could try.
-(laughs)

I am. I-I'm trying, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.
I'll maybe try again.

You got a beau...
(laughing)

...tiful wife and kid.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH

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