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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,253 --> 00:00:05,756 MALORY: What do you mean, Lana hasn't called? 2 00:00:05,923 --> 00:00:09,769 I've been sitting here for, like, 5 million years and the phone hasn't rung once. 3 00:00:09,927 --> 00:00:13,852 So every time it doesn't, I just assume it's not her, not calling to say they-- 4 00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:17,518 They should've rescued Sterling and Rip from the pirates hours ago. 5 00:00:17,684 --> 00:00:21,609 Maybe they did and just didn't call. No, I gave them explicit orders to-- 6 00:00:21,772 --> 00:00:23,445 What the hell are you wearing? 7 00:00:23,607 --> 00:00:26,781 Uh, this thing called "my boss made me sleep at my desk," so pajamas. 8 00:00:26,944 --> 00:00:31,871 Men's pajamas? For God's sake, woman, where is your pride? 9 00:00:32,032 --> 00:00:33,830 In my work? 10 00:00:33,992 --> 00:00:36,586 That may be the funniest thing you've ever said. 11 00:00:36,745 --> 00:00:38,247 Thank you. MALORY: Oh, shut up. 12 00:00:38,580 --> 00:00:40,628 And then try Lana's sat phone. 13 00:00:40,791 --> 00:00:43,089 Wait, what if Lana's been captured too? 14 00:00:43,252 --> 00:00:46,847 Then I'll have to ransom her and Sterling and Rip and-- 15 00:00:47,005 --> 00:00:50,134 Well, no, Miss Gillette's on her own. Still... 16 00:00:50,300 --> 00:00:54,100 Get Cyril in here! I need him to find a way to pay for all this! 17 00:00:54,263 --> 00:00:56,982 CYRIL: Wait a minute, that can't be right. 18 00:00:57,724 --> 00:01:02,981 I remember being really mad and really drunk and deciding to do some online banking. 19 00:01:03,146 --> 00:01:07,902 Oh, my God, I must have embezz-- --arrassed myself last night, huh? 20 00:01:08,277 --> 00:01:12,623 Don't talk like black people. And how should I know? I'm still ripped. 21 00:01:12,781 --> 00:01:17,662 Oh. So you don't, um, happen to remember me saying anything about passwords... 22 00:01:17,828 --> 00:01:20,001 ...to say, Swiss bank accounts? 23 00:01:20,163 --> 00:01:23,383 Heh. I don't even remember who peed on your sofa. 24 00:01:23,542 --> 00:01:25,510 Although, if I was a gambling man-- 25 00:01:25,669 --> 00:01:26,761 MALORY: Cyril! Wha--? 26 00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:29,298 Ugh. Smells like a kennel in here. 27 00:01:29,464 --> 00:01:31,341 Cash reserves, how much do we have? 28 00:01:31,508 --> 00:01:35,103 I'll, uh, need to run those numbers. Heh. 29 00:01:35,262 --> 00:01:37,310 Hurry up, we don't have a minute to lose. 30 00:01:37,472 --> 00:01:40,851 God only knows what kind of torture Sterling's going through. 31 00:01:41,018 --> 00:01:43,020 32 00:02:00,787 --> 00:02:03,040 Get off... 33 00:02:03,206 --> 00:02:04,674 ...the bucket. 34 00:02:04,833 --> 00:02:06,710 I'm not done. Yes, you are. 35 00:02:06,877 --> 00:02:08,629 But I didn't... You know. 36 00:02:08,795 --> 00:02:12,390 I can't with all the-- Everybody looking at me, and then the judgments-- 37 00:02:12,549 --> 00:02:13,550 LANA: Noah? Yes. 38 00:02:13,717 --> 00:02:16,971 I just traveled 8000 miles and got ambushed by Malaysian pirates... 39 00:02:17,137 --> 00:02:21,187 ...trying to rescue a person who is now responsible for my getting crabs twice. 40 00:02:21,350 --> 00:02:25,150 Oh, come on. These crabs, this time, were not my fault. 41 00:02:25,312 --> 00:02:27,815 This whole dungeon is, um... 42 00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:32,407 Were you gonna say "lousy with them"? I was, but then I realized that's, uh-- 43 00:02:32,569 --> 00:02:34,321 Where that phrase comes from? Yeah. 44 00:02:34,488 --> 00:02:35,990 Yeah. Yeah. 45 00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:38,625 Yeah. So guess what I'm in? Um... 46 00:02:38,909 --> 00:02:39,910 No mood? 47 00:02:40,077 --> 00:02:42,375 Winner, winner, chicken dinner. 48 00:02:42,537 --> 00:02:48,385 Wait, shouldn't it be some kind of crab dish, because of the crabs? Like, uh, crab cakes? 49 00:02:48,543 --> 00:02:51,513 Ooh. Or Lana. Lana. 50 00:02:52,547 --> 00:02:53,890 Lana. 51 00:02:54,049 --> 00:02:56,017 What? Lana! 52 00:02:56,176 --> 00:03:00,147 Dungeon. Us. Crab. Huh? 53 00:03:00,305 --> 00:03:02,103 Because we're in a dungeon. 54 00:03:02,265 --> 00:03:04,233 I'm kidding. Crab rangoon. 55 00:03:39,636 --> 00:03:40,888 56 00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:43,933 ARCHER: Noah, seriously, I swear to God, stop. 57 00:03:44,099 --> 00:03:47,023 Rock beats spoon. You should know that, you're an archeologist. 58 00:03:47,185 --> 00:03:48,812 Anthropologist. 59 00:03:48,979 --> 00:03:52,233 Whatever. If you're doing it just to get on my nerves, okay, I get it. 60 00:03:52,399 --> 00:03:54,322 But if you're trying to actually escape-- 61 00:03:54,484 --> 00:03:56,327 Well, at least he's trying something. 62 00:03:56,486 --> 00:03:58,409 Yeah, as opposed to the Doublemint Twins. 63 00:03:58,572 --> 00:04:01,701 Heh-heh-heh. And one, two, three, go, herd. LANA: Whoa! Unh! 64 00:04:01,867 --> 00:04:04,336 Missed it by that much. Shut up. 65 00:04:04,494 --> 00:04:07,794 It's no use. The trapdoor goes up a vertical shaft to the radio room. 66 00:04:07,956 --> 00:04:09,503 Exactly, and if we get to the radio-- 67 00:04:09,666 --> 00:04:10,963 RILEY: Which this idiot shot to pieces-- 68 00:04:11,126 --> 00:04:12,173 69 00:04:12,335 --> 00:04:15,134 Holy shit. Wha--? What the hell happened to him? 70 00:04:15,297 --> 00:04:17,675 He-- Who knows? Maybe he had a brain aneurysm. 71 00:04:17,841 --> 00:04:20,594 No, he-- it's the silent killer, Noah. 72 00:04:20,761 --> 00:04:23,480 Not unlike a metal spoon sharpened to a razor's edge... 73 00:04:23,638 --> 00:04:27,768 ...and used to slit an anthropologist's bird-like throat. 74 00:04:27,934 --> 00:04:30,153 He just kind of keeled over. 75 00:04:30,312 --> 00:04:32,610 Probably thanks to your bucket-stanch. 76 00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:34,195 Wha--? Excuse me, I didn't even go. 77 00:04:34,357 --> 00:04:36,451 We're going. One, two, three, down, herd. LANA: Oof. 78 00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:39,033 Jeez, how about a little warning? I said, down, herd. 79 00:04:39,196 --> 00:04:42,450 Uh, couple things. One, Ray, thanks for perpetuating the stereotype... 80 00:04:42,616 --> 00:04:45,165 ...of the gay man as a collegiate cheerleader. 81 00:04:45,327 --> 00:04:48,501 Uh, yeah. For your information, almost all male cheerleaders are-- 82 00:04:48,663 --> 00:04:52,793 Finely-tuned hetero-athletes. Yeah, hang on, I'm getting a call. Brriing! 83 00:04:52,959 --> 00:04:55,678 Hello? Hi, it's lacrosse, you lose. 84 00:04:55,837 --> 00:04:57,885 Wait, the phone. Lacrosse? 85 00:04:58,048 --> 00:05:00,142 Yeah, it's Algonquin for "blood sport"? 86 00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:02,348 It's not Algonquin for anything. Noah... 87 00:05:02,511 --> 00:05:05,390 My sat phone. Yeah. See, Noah? Her-- Wait, your what? 88 00:05:05,555 --> 00:05:07,808 My sat phone. The pirates took it. 89 00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:11,478 And since I haven't called in, ISIS should be calling me anytime now. 90 00:05:11,645 --> 00:05:12,692 91 00:05:12,854 --> 00:05:15,858 Jeezow, Lana, answer your stupid phone. 92 00:05:16,024 --> 00:05:18,868 MAN : Hello? Give me Sterling Archer mother. 93 00:05:19,027 --> 00:05:20,870 Oh, my God, be more Chinese-y. 94 00:05:21,029 --> 00:05:24,078 Pirates, line two. MALORY: Wha--? Well, put them through. 95 00:05:24,241 --> 00:05:26,039 Oh, my God, be more "I hate you." 96 00:05:26,201 --> 00:05:28,078 That's why your phone is blinking. 97 00:05:28,245 --> 00:05:29,872 MALORY: Oh. Hello? 98 00:05:30,038 --> 00:05:31,711 This is Malory Archer. 99 00:05:31,873 --> 00:05:33,546 This is Malory Archer. 100 00:05:33,708 --> 00:05:35,585 Okay, then you listen to me. 101 00:05:35,752 --> 00:05:38,255 No, you just listen to me, buster. Bucky. 102 00:05:38,421 --> 00:05:42,517 If you touch one hair on my son's head, I'll have your guts for garters. 103 00:05:42,676 --> 00:05:45,270 Aha, you like wear garter? 104 00:05:45,428 --> 00:05:47,647 Heh-heh-heh-heh. It's an idiom, you heathen. 105 00:05:47,806 --> 00:05:48,853 106 00:05:49,015 --> 00:05:51,768 Malory will call, she'll haggle over the ransom for you, me and Riley. 107 00:05:51,935 --> 00:05:53,187 What about me? Yeah, and me? 108 00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:54,821 We'll come back for you later. 109 00:05:54,980 --> 00:05:58,530 No, shut up. We gotta get that phone, or something. I don't know. 110 00:05:58,692 --> 00:06:00,740 But I don't want Mother talking to Bucky. 111 00:06:00,902 --> 00:06:04,247 Why not? She's been coming to your rescue since you were in short pants. 112 00:06:04,406 --> 00:06:06,955 113 00:06:07,117 --> 00:06:09,370 MALORY: Oh, for-- Sterling, get your things. 114 00:06:09,536 --> 00:06:13,712 We're leaving. Before this quack's office burns to the ground. 115 00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:16,753 116 00:06:16,918 --> 00:06:18,465 MALORY: Sterling, get your things. 117 00:06:18,628 --> 00:06:22,974 We're leaving. Before this cruddy school burns to the ground. 118 00:06:23,133 --> 00:06:25,977 119 00:06:26,136 --> 00:06:27,888 MALORY: Sterling, get your things. 120 00:06:28,305 --> 00:06:29,477 He's gay. 121 00:06:29,639 --> 00:06:31,516 You were in the Army? Oh, who remembers? 122 00:06:31,683 --> 00:06:32,809 CYRI L: Well, try. 123 00:06:32,976 --> 00:06:35,274 PAM: I can't remember. 124 00:06:35,437 --> 00:06:37,735 There's a reason they call it "black-out drunk." 125 00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:40,993 If I don't remember that password, I can't unembezzle that money... 126 00:06:41,151 --> 00:06:43,324 ...and then I'm screwed, because I don't have-- 127 00:06:43,486 --> 00:06:45,284 MALORY: Ten million dollars? 128 00:06:45,447 --> 00:06:47,495 That's outrageous. I won't pay it. 129 00:06:47,657 --> 00:06:51,161 I don't even want the gay back. So you just better sharpen your pencil. 130 00:06:51,328 --> 00:06:53,581 BUCKY : I don't have pencil. It's an idiom! 131 00:06:53,747 --> 00:06:57,092 Aw, but I love it when Malory bails you out of one of your idiot jams. 132 00:06:57,250 --> 00:07:00,345 Oh, really? Then I get to watch her rub it in your face. 133 00:07:00,503 --> 00:07:02,676 Oh, my God. Okay, first of all-- 134 00:07:02,839 --> 00:07:05,058 RILEY: First of all-- Riley, no. Don't say it. 135 00:07:05,216 --> 00:07:09,972 --He's been here voluntarily! Partying his ass off as king of the pirates! 136 00:07:10,555 --> 00:07:12,728 Hmm. What? Don't listen to him. 137 00:07:12,891 --> 00:07:16,521 I bet that brain aneurysm scrambled his Broca's area. 138 00:07:16,686 --> 00:07:19,530 Right? Language center of the brain-- 139 00:07:22,567 --> 00:07:23,989 Noah. 140 00:07:24,402 --> 00:07:26,700 Thank you. No problem. 141 00:07:26,863 --> 00:07:29,241 Actually, not making much progress. 142 00:07:29,407 --> 00:07:31,409 LANA: You're kidding. 143 00:07:32,077 --> 00:07:33,249 No. 144 00:07:36,706 --> 00:07:39,004 MALORY: Three million, and not a penny more. 145 00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:42,717 And before you see one thin dime, I want to talk to Sterling. 146 00:07:42,879 --> 00:07:46,179 Cyril. Wha--? Hey, Ms. Archer. 147 00:07:46,341 --> 00:07:49,686 Three million in cash? That, uh, should not be a problem. 148 00:07:49,844 --> 00:07:53,223 I know it shouldn't be, and it better not be. 149 00:07:53,390 --> 00:07:56,735 Why would it be? It's not. I just need to move a little money around. 150 00:07:56,893 --> 00:07:59,146 So move it. Today please. 151 00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:02,566 Keep looking, maybe I wrote it down. Um... 152 00:08:02,732 --> 00:08:04,450 "ArcherSucks." No. 153 00:08:04,609 --> 00:08:07,488 "KillArcherDie." No. PAM: Um... 154 00:08:07,654 --> 00:08:09,372 Just trying all my usual passwords. 155 00:08:09,531 --> 00:08:12,034 Hey, way to not give them the power. 156 00:08:12,409 --> 00:08:13,535 Thank you. 157 00:08:13,702 --> 00:08:17,252 Do you hear me? I want proof of life. 158 00:08:18,123 --> 00:08:19,249 Duh. 159 00:08:19,416 --> 00:08:22,090 LANA: You lying, pathetic, little piece of-- Ooh. 160 00:08:22,252 --> 00:08:23,299 Lana, no. ARCHER: Oh... 161 00:08:23,461 --> 00:08:26,010 Come on, you're gonna kill him. Yup, that's the plan. 162 00:08:26,172 --> 00:08:27,424 Hey, hey, knock it off. 163 00:08:27,590 --> 00:08:30,059 Look, Lana, don't get me wrong, I like your spunk. 164 00:08:30,218 --> 00:08:31,265 Phrasing. 165 00:08:31,428 --> 00:08:34,557 Shut up. But I promised his mother that I would bring him home safely. 166 00:08:34,723 --> 00:08:38,523 And I just assume that includes his spleen. I think that ship might have sailed. 167 00:08:38,685 --> 00:08:41,063 No, not a ship. That was an idiom. 168 00:08:41,229 --> 00:08:43,652 A helicopter. There's an old Huey down by the dock... 169 00:08:43,815 --> 00:08:46,739 ...and it just so happens, Rip Riley here can fly it. 170 00:08:46,901 --> 00:08:48,073 No shit? Yeah. 171 00:08:48,236 --> 00:08:51,991 Rip Riley here can fly anything. You know, as long as it's got fuel. 172 00:08:52,157 --> 00:08:56,128 Well, Rip, why don't we just look around for some fuel in this cell... 173 00:08:56,286 --> 00:08:59,961 I doubt they'd keep it in here. ...in which we're still locked? 174 00:09:00,206 --> 00:09:05,588 I figured that we'd kind of work backwards from the, uh, stealing of the helicopter. 175 00:09:06,296 --> 00:09:07,798 “ArcherBurnFace." No. 176 00:09:07,964 --> 00:09:10,308 "Archerbortion." Ugh. No. 177 00:09:10,467 --> 00:09:13,346 Are you gonna type random words in there the rest of your life? 178 00:09:13,511 --> 00:09:17,937 All five minutes of it. At which point, Ms. Archer will probably dissolve me in a drum of acid... 179 00:09:18,099 --> 00:09:22,570 ...unless you have a better idea. State-dependent memory. 180 00:09:22,729 --> 00:09:26,074 So your plan is for us to get as black-out, knee-walking... 181 00:09:26,232 --> 00:09:30,408 ...shit-faced drunk as we were last night in the hopes that we remember the password? 182 00:09:32,322 --> 00:09:33,323 183 00:09:33,490 --> 00:09:35,163 Well, don't hog it all. 184 00:09:35,325 --> 00:09:37,293 Pam. 185 00:09:37,952 --> 00:09:41,422 Ah. Seriously, I bet that would've killed a lesser man. 186 00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:43,925 Ha. There's a lesser man than you? 187 00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:46,837 Uh, yeah, his name's Houdini. Whom I wish you were. 188 00:09:47,003 --> 00:09:49,131 Yeah, because then I could just puke up a key. 189 00:09:49,297 --> 00:09:51,675 Because you'd be dead. Houdini's dead? 190 00:09:51,841 --> 00:09:54,014 You know what? Yes. Here's what we do. 191 00:09:54,177 --> 00:09:56,271 We lure Bucky down here and take him hostage. 192 00:09:56,429 --> 00:09:58,773 And then? Then we'll see. We'll keep it loose. 193 00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:02,527 Oh, for-- And just how the hell are we supposed to lure him down here? 194 00:10:02,685 --> 00:10:04,107 BUCKY: Sterling Archer. 195 00:10:04,270 --> 00:10:07,524 What? Sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sound of my plan working. 196 00:10:07,690 --> 00:10:09,943 Hey, telephone. It's your mother. My--? 197 00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:13,580 Wait, please tell me you didn't tell her I was temporarily the pirate king. 198 00:10:13,738 --> 00:10:16,537 No, not yet, but this is damn good. I-- 199 00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:18,247 MALORY : Sterling, are you all right? 200 00:10:18,409 --> 00:10:21,538 No, Mother, I'm a captive of pirates. Unh! 201 00:10:21,704 --> 00:10:25,709 Oh, and Riley said he no longer finds you attractive because you're too old. 202 00:10:25,875 --> 00:10:27,877 MALORY: He what? What? You little-- 203 00:10:28,044 --> 00:10:29,421 Son of a bitch! 204 00:10:29,587 --> 00:10:31,134 MALORY: Was that a gunshot? 205 00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:33,550 Yeah, they got old Ray this time. BUCKY: Unh! Unh! Unh! 206 00:10:33,716 --> 00:10:35,889 Ray! Now I kill you. 207 00:10:36,052 --> 00:10:37,520 Aah! Ow! 208 00:10:37,679 --> 00:10:40,728 Right in the same ear! MALORY: Ha! Good. Serves you right. 209 00:10:40,890 --> 00:10:43,860 Ha-ha-ha-ha! Malory, I never said that! 210 00:10:44,018 --> 00:10:45,395 MALORY: You're no spring chicken yourself. 211 00:10:45,562 --> 00:10:47,610 BUCKY: Aah! LANA: Unh... 212 00:10:47,772 --> 00:10:49,570 Shit. Lana! 213 00:10:49,732 --> 00:10:51,700 MALORY: ls Lana hit? Someone talk to me! 214 00:10:51,860 --> 00:10:54,079 Mother, I'm a little busy right now. 215 00:10:54,237 --> 00:10:55,284 Noah! What? 216 00:10:55,446 --> 00:10:57,323 ARCHER: Spoon him! What do you mean, spoon him? 217 00:10:57,490 --> 00:11:00,710 You mean, spoon him as in like--? Oh, uh, right. 218 00:11:00,869 --> 00:11:02,246 Today, please! BUCKY: Unh! 219 00:11:02,579 --> 00:11:05,503 220 00:11:06,875 --> 00:11:10,175 I am incredibly sorry. 221 00:11:10,336 --> 00:11:13,306 222 00:11:13,464 --> 00:11:17,594 MALORY: Rip? Rip, I take it all back. You're as strong and sexy as the night we-- 223 00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:21,515 For shit's sake, Mother! How short is the list of guys you haven't screwed? 224 00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:22,728 225 00:11:22,891 --> 00:11:26,521 How dare you? You can just forget about that ransom. 226 00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:28,108 For once, you're on your own. 227 00:11:28,271 --> 00:11:31,616 ARCHER: For once? Oh, my God, Columbia Hou--? 228 00:11:31,774 --> 00:11:37,247 All I wanted was to mourn the murder of my crazy-hot Russian fiancée... 229 00:11:37,405 --> 00:11:39,123 ...by becoming a pirate king! 230 00:11:39,282 --> 00:11:42,126 But I guess that was too much to ask! 231 00:11:42,285 --> 00:11:47,382 So Mother can keep her stupid ransom, because I don't need her! 232 00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:53,593 What I do need is some fricking crab shampoo! 233 00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:57,183 Noah! Wounded! No, no, I'm-- 234 00:11:57,342 --> 00:11:59,811 Maybe some psychic scarring, yes, but physically I'm-- 235 00:11:59,969 --> 00:12:01,266 Tend to the wounded! 236 00:12:01,429 --> 00:12:05,229 Oh, right, right. Right, of course, of course. Not him. Start with Lana. 237 00:12:05,391 --> 00:12:07,985 I'm fine. Check on Ray. ARCHER: Yeah, he is not looking good. 238 00:12:08,144 --> 00:12:10,146 Although, neither is Riley. Ah, ah, ah, ah. 239 00:12:10,313 --> 00:12:12,736 And neither is your situation. Ha! Heh-heh. 240 00:12:12,899 --> 00:12:17,826 Because you can forget ransom, now you and your friends will die here. 241 00:12:17,987 --> 00:12:21,036 Yeah, speaking of forgetting, couple things. One, these aren't my friends. 242 00:12:21,199 --> 00:12:22,246 243 00:12:22,408 --> 00:12:24,661 Got that right. I mean her, yes, kind of, maybe... 244 00:12:24,827 --> 00:12:27,296 ...but there's a lot of weird sexual tension. LANA: Ha! 245 00:12:27,455 --> 00:12:31,005 But these other three, whatever, who cares? I mean, Noah's a slave. 246 00:12:31,167 --> 00:12:34,592 Heh. Yeah, about that-- Noah, not now. And two... 247 00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:37,007 Aha! But I shoot gun many times... 248 00:12:37,173 --> 00:12:40,427 ...and in all the excitement, I lose track myself. Ah. 249 00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:44,348 So now you thinking, "Did he fire eight shots, or only--?" 250 00:12:44,514 --> 00:12:47,518 Four, idiot. So get your things, we're leaving. 251 00:12:47,684 --> 00:12:51,905 Okay, can I just run up to my hovel quick and grab the only extant copy of my dissertation? 252 00:12:52,063 --> 00:12:55,442 Noah, still got four bullets. Oh, God, do you know what "extant" means? 253 00:12:55,608 --> 00:12:57,861 You know what "license to kill" means? 254 00:12:58,695 --> 00:13:00,368 I'll write another one. 255 00:13:00,530 --> 00:13:03,079 The world holds its breath. 256 00:13:06,869 --> 00:13:09,873 LANA: Ray? Ray, come on honey, stay with me. 257 00:13:10,039 --> 00:13:12,087 Ray? Ray? 258 00:13:12,250 --> 00:13:13,297 Ray? 259 00:13:13,459 --> 00:13:15,962 ARCHER: Not sure that's helping. Yeah? Well, neither are you! 260 00:13:16,129 --> 00:13:17,722 Lana, I only have two hands. 261 00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:19,598 What I don't have, is all day. 262 00:13:19,757 --> 00:13:21,475 There, I finished. Jeez, damn. 263 00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:25,730 ARCHER: How you doing, Riley? How the hell do you think I'm doing? 264 00:13:25,888 --> 00:13:29,734 Hey, relax, Nick Furious. Save your strength for flying the chopper. 265 00:13:29,892 --> 00:13:33,487 And again, I'm just incredibly sorry. 266 00:13:33,646 --> 00:13:35,899 What's your blood type? Heh. How would I know? 267 00:13:36,065 --> 00:13:38,909 How would you not? Who am I, Karl Landsteiner? 268 00:13:39,068 --> 00:13:41,070 Discoverer of blood groups? 269 00:13:41,237 --> 00:13:44,582 You don't know your own blood type, but you know who discovered them. 270 00:13:44,741 --> 00:13:45,913 Yeah, now. 271 00:13:46,409 --> 00:13:48,582 Your exact words, Pam. 272 00:13:48,745 --> 00:13:51,874 "Dr. Charles Drew, or I will eat a bag of dicks." 273 00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:53,087 274 00:13:53,249 --> 00:13:54,250 Bring them. 275 00:13:54,417 --> 00:13:58,263 And not to diminish the accomplishments of Dr. Charles Drew, but-- 276 00:13:58,421 --> 00:14:01,595 Goddamn it, Archer. Ray needs O-positive blood or he's gonna die. 277 00:14:01,758 --> 00:14:04,762 So give him some of yours. I'm A-negative. 278 00:14:04,927 --> 00:14:07,271 Hey, me too. And even if Riley is O-positive-- 279 00:14:07,430 --> 00:14:10,274 No, I'm A-negative too. Eh? Blow it up. 280 00:14:10,433 --> 00:14:13,437 --He's already a quart low, so... 281 00:14:13,603 --> 00:14:14,604 NOAH: Oh... 282 00:14:14,771 --> 00:14:17,399 Positive? Yeah. 283 00:14:17,565 --> 00:14:23,072 One of these days, I swear to God, I'm gonna burn this place straight down to the ground. 284 00:14:23,237 --> 00:14:24,284 Oh, my God, yes. 285 00:14:24,447 --> 00:14:25,448 286 00:14:25,615 --> 00:14:26,662 What about this Sunday? 287 00:14:26,824 --> 00:14:28,667 Unless you want people in here, in which case-- 288 00:14:28,826 --> 00:14:30,123 289 00:14:30,286 --> 00:14:31,333 290 00:14:31,496 --> 00:14:32,543 291 00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:33,752 292 00:14:33,915 --> 00:14:34,962 CYRIL: Aah! Five-0. Five-O. 293 00:14:35,124 --> 00:14:37,627 Cyril, never mind moving that money. 294 00:14:37,794 --> 00:14:42,049 What money? Oh, really? You sure? Because all I need to do is just-- 295 00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:45,469 Re-evaluate your entire life. And yes, I'm sure. 296 00:14:45,635 --> 00:14:49,640 Sterling can get himself out of this jam, for once. 297 00:14:49,806 --> 00:14:54,607 Oh, and don't be here on Sunday, Pam. 298 00:14:54,769 --> 00:14:56,988 Why just me? What's happening Sunday? 299 00:14:57,146 --> 00:15:00,491 Probably my grisly murder, because we still haven't found that password. 300 00:15:00,650 --> 00:15:02,152 Did you try "guest"? 301 00:15:02,318 --> 00:15:04,286 No, Pam, I didn't, because I'm not an id-- 302 00:15:04,445 --> 00:15:05,492 303 00:15:05,655 --> 00:15:06,656 Oh, eat a dick. 304 00:15:06,823 --> 00:15:07,870 305 00:15:08,032 --> 00:15:09,158 Bring it. 306 00:15:09,867 --> 00:15:12,666 How much of my blood does he need? I don't know, 10 gills? 307 00:15:12,829 --> 00:15:14,331 What? U.S. or imperial? 308 00:15:14,497 --> 00:15:17,842 Just keep squeezing that gag-ball that I don't wanna know why you have. 309 00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:19,502 Uh, no, you do not. 310 00:15:19,669 --> 00:15:23,390 You will never make it to the helicopter. My men will cut you down like dogs. 311 00:15:23,548 --> 00:15:27,178 Thanks, human shield. Although, where the hell are all your men? 312 00:15:27,343 --> 00:15:28,344 Are you serious? 313 00:15:28,511 --> 00:15:30,309 They're all at the intramural lacrosse finals. 314 00:15:30,471 --> 00:15:31,563 The what? Ow! 315 00:15:31,722 --> 00:15:35,192 Lana, shut up. That's today? Yeah, it's right now. Well, in 10 minutes. 316 00:15:35,351 --> 00:15:36,477 Who's playing? LANA: Archer. 317 00:15:36,644 --> 00:15:38,521 Uh, the Lax-mi Singhers-- 318 00:15:39,021 --> 00:15:40,648 They made it to the finals? Uh-huh. 319 00:15:40,815 --> 00:15:42,488 --Versus the Archers of Loafcrosse. 320 00:15:42,650 --> 00:15:44,778 What? That's my team. Archer. 321 00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:47,823 Lana, I'm team captain. I built that team from nothing, and-- 322 00:15:47,989 --> 00:15:50,208 Archer. Ray is dying. 323 00:15:50,366 --> 00:15:52,334 Does that mean so must my dream? 324 00:15:52,660 --> 00:15:57,166 I think it's great that for once you're getting out of a jam without your mother's help, but-- 325 00:15:57,582 --> 00:16:00,836 Not for once, Lana. Hello? Columbia House. 326 00:16:01,002 --> 00:16:03,881 But remember earlier, when you said you and I were friends? 327 00:16:04,046 --> 00:16:07,346 Of course. I mean, I know we fight a lot, but... 328 00:16:07,508 --> 00:16:11,058 God, now that I think about it, you're my only friend. 329 00:16:11,220 --> 00:16:12,392 Uh, wow. 330 00:16:12,555 --> 00:16:15,308 Right? Yes, Archer, because if you do this-- 331 00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:16,897 Please don't make me choose. 332 00:16:17,059 --> 00:16:22,566 --I will never, ever forgive you, and we will never, ever be friends again. 333 00:16:25,151 --> 00:16:26,528 334 00:16:26,736 --> 00:16:28,784 335 00:16:28,946 --> 00:16:30,414 Whoo-hoo-hoo! 336 00:16:30,573 --> 00:16:33,042 Birds-eye view of lacrosse! 337 00:16:33,201 --> 00:16:36,705 Lana. Lana, we got the face-off. Hooray. 338 00:16:36,871 --> 00:16:38,589 Now, can we please get out of here? 339 00:16:38,748 --> 00:16:41,467 Because we are totally vulnerable. 340 00:16:41,626 --> 00:16:43,424 ARCHER: I know, look at our defenders. 341 00:16:43,586 --> 00:16:45,930 LANA: He's not talking about the defenders. 342 00:16:46,088 --> 00:16:48,762 ARCHER: The crease, idiots! Guard the crease! 343 00:16:48,925 --> 00:16:50,598 Lurch, what are you doing? 344 00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:53,434 Middies, come on, get in position! 345 00:16:53,596 --> 00:16:58,944 Oh, shit, they are. No, look, they're all bunched-- Oh. Oh! 346 00:16:59,727 --> 00:17:00,774 Incoming! 347 00:17:00,937 --> 00:17:02,405 Yee... Oh, no! 348 00:17:02,563 --> 00:17:04,736 Wait, Lana. Don't-- Aah! 349 00:17:04,899 --> 00:17:07,573 Get some! Get some, you sons of bitches! 350 00:17:07,735 --> 00:17:09,783 351 00:17:09,946 --> 00:17:12,415 Suck it! No! 352 00:17:12,573 --> 00:17:14,200 Hang on. 353 00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:15,414 354 00:17:15,576 --> 00:17:17,123 ARCHER: Lana! LANA: Archer! 355 00:17:17,453 --> 00:17:18,625 ARCHER: What, Lana? LANA: I-- 356 00:17:20,248 --> 00:17:21,420 Nothing. I got you. 357 00:17:21,582 --> 00:17:24,051 You got me. Well, that's just super. 358 00:17:24,210 --> 00:17:25,883 What the hell is your problem? 359 00:17:26,045 --> 00:17:29,515 My problem, Lana, is you just Bonnie and Clyded my starting middies. 360 00:17:29,674 --> 00:17:33,144 Archer, they were-- Redshirt freshmen, Lana, who I was grooming. 361 00:17:33,302 --> 00:17:35,430 But now I guess the Archers of Loafcrosse... 362 00:17:35,596 --> 00:17:38,566 ...can forget about the South Pacific lacrosse championships! 363 00:17:38,724 --> 00:17:41,568 Yeah, that's not a thing. If and when that becomes a thing! 364 00:17:41,727 --> 00:17:45,982 Hey, here's a thing. Your mother doesn't know you ran away to be a pirate, so-- 365 00:17:46,148 --> 00:17:48,822 No. Lana, seriously, she-- She would literally kill you. 366 00:17:48,985 --> 00:17:51,408 Well, figurative-- Yeah, literally. 367 00:17:51,571 --> 00:17:55,826 So now, for the rest of your idiot life, I've got that on you. 368 00:17:55,992 --> 00:17:57,164 Right? Wow. 369 00:17:57,326 --> 00:17:59,624 NOAH: Oh, my God. 370 00:17:59,787 --> 00:18:02,757 Just screw already. Seriously. 371 00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:05,168 Then kill each other. And then shut up. 372 00:18:05,334 --> 00:18:09,589 And then kill each other again. And call me, so I can watch you do it. 373 00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:12,183 MALORY: Sterling, I don't know how you did it, but-- 374 00:18:12,341 --> 00:18:15,345 Well, except for Rip's eye, you got everyone home in one piece. 375 00:18:15,511 --> 00:18:16,512 ARCHER: No thanks to you. 376 00:18:16,679 --> 00:18:19,228 Well, it's about time you did something on your own. 377 00:18:19,390 --> 00:18:21,643 Columbia House Record Club. 378 00:18:21,809 --> 00:18:24,403 Archer, the important thing is that we're home. 379 00:18:24,562 --> 00:18:28,442 And that we spare Malory the details of your time on Pirate Island. 380 00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:30,201 WW. what happened? 381 00:18:30,359 --> 00:18:34,739 Nothing. Well, you know, besides a lot of, um, pretty horrific torture... 382 00:18:34,905 --> 00:18:38,125 ...which, Mother, if you had seen, would have broken your heart. 383 00:18:38,284 --> 00:18:40,127 But why dwell on that? We're home. 384 00:18:40,286 --> 00:18:43,790 And my mourning period for, um... Katya? 385 00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:46,675 Is over. So, hey, it's a happy ending. 386 00:18:46,834 --> 00:18:47,881 387 00:18:48,044 --> 00:18:50,843 Yeah. Yeah, it's just a big old goddamn fairy tale. 388 00:18:51,005 --> 00:18:54,726 Fairy tale? Uh, phrasing? 389 00:18:55,051 --> 00:18:58,555 Ray, I'm kidding. Don't be like that. 390 00:18:59,221 --> 00:19:02,225 CHERYL: Ugh, gross. Keep it moving, cripple. 391 00:19:02,391 --> 00:19:05,736 GILLETTE: Shut up. Ray? Ray. 392 00:19:06,062 --> 00:19:07,689 Ray? 393 00:19:08,397 --> 00:19:11,025 Oh, okay. Then I guess just pout. 394 00:19:47,269 --> 00:19:48,270 31595

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