Original subtitles

PAM: Ah, come on.

Clock your skinny ass out already, and let's go get outside some drinks.

Ugh. I can't. I have to cover her stupid phone in case some stupid pirates call...

...with a stupid ransom demand for Mr. Stupid Archer.

MALORY: Carol? Carol. Have they called?

No!

Ma'am. But rest assured I'll let you know the minute they do.

MALORY: Rest? My God, who can rest'?

Not me, apparently.

Or me. I have to re-do the annual budget...

...because she's blowing it all on this so-called rescue of Archer.

Well, his plane did crash, and a distress signal was last heard...

...coming from a known pirate fortress, so...

So? That doesn't mean Ray and Lana have to bankrupt ISIS getting there.

GILLETTE: Oh, would you relax? You rent a boat, that money's gone.

This way, we can sell it when we're done. I bet it'll come out cheaper.

I wasn't talking about the boat.

I think 5 grand for the week was a steal.

Look at him, he is live.

So a twink escort you rent, but--

That's different. Well, they did ask if I wanted to actually buy him, but I thought--

That I'd be weird about it?

That I, perhaps due to my race, might have a problem...

...with the concept of owning a human being?

I actually just thought I'd get tired of him.

You? Mr. Can't-Even-Commit-to-a-Pet?

Yeah, hi, two cats. One of whom I think has FIP, so commit that.

You know how hard I worked on this budget?

Nights, weekends, canceled my vacation, and now it's all wasted.

Wasted, exactly, let's go be that.

Come on, happy hour at Pita Margarita's, chicka-chicka-chow!

Ugh, is that what it sounds like?

Only if it sounds like a shitload of tequila and some A-rab hoagies.

MALORY: How dare you?

Arab, sorry.

Oh, shut up. How can you even think about happy hour at a time like this?

When probably as we speak, my poor Sterling is being tortured by pirates.

Heh-heh-heh, I wish. What?

Wish you wouldn't say that. Because I'm sure he's not being tortured.

ARCHER: Oh, my God, stop, stop. Seriously, I can't take anymore.

Whoo! Ha, ha. That was insane.

I never even heard of that position.

Did the missionaries not swing by here?

Excuse me? Sorry, Pirate King Archer?

What? Noah. Hi.

Ready for the morning briefing?

Noah, I'm half drunk and slathered in every bodily fluid there is.

So, yeah, this is about as pirate-kingy as I'm gonna get. Brief away.

Okay, item one. The-- Noah.

Yes, sir?

Good morning.

NOAH: Okay. Item one. The huge morale problem.

ARCHER: How do we have a morale problem?

Well, first of all-- Come on, karaoke night's a big hit.

Whoo!

ARCHER: We have an awesome feast every night.

Whoo!

Not to mention intramural lacrosse.

Whoo!

Whoo! Whoo!

How can they have low morale?

Well, besides all of those things, they haven't been paid.

So pay them. What do you need, new payroll software?

Cyril always handled that.

Payroll, budgets. He's a genius at that crap.

Just find the money, Cyril. You're an accounting genius, Cyril.

That's right, you bitch.

I said it. So good luck finding all these Swiss accounts.

PAM: What you doing? Ah!

Hey, Pam, heh.

No, we don't-- Dealing with disgruntled employees...

...Pam's great at that.

Is that Internet porn?

Uh, yup. Just, um... Just jacking it.

Can I watch?

Or is that weird?

Uh, it's kind of weird.

Is it?

Mmm, yes.

It's because she's such a good listener.

And she sounds lovely. But you don't need an HR rep and payroll software--

Well, it couldn't hurt. Sir, please. Pirates work for shares...

...and since you became a pirate king, there hasn't been any booty, so...

Gonna have to disagree with you, buddy. From pirated ships.

Oh, I thought you meant from all the--

Native girls, right, no.

Sorry, I don't know all the pirate terms yet.

Well, that's a common one.

I'm new. To all of this, all right?

Especially the actual, you know, piracy part.

ARCHER: It's not really what I expected.

Damn it, I said get over there.

For the jillionth time, nobody is raping anybody.

Actually, no, you know what?

Nobody gets anything because I'm letting him go.

Shut up. He's a small-business owner. If he loses his ship, he'll be ruined.

You can go. Oh, but can we get about 50 pounds of tuna steaks?

Which you let him talk you down to 20.

You know what kind of margins those guys work on?

I actually don't. Well, nice Ph.D.

My field's anthropology. And I'm actually just a doctoral candidate.

Or I was, until these guys captured my research vessel and enslaved me.

Ugh. Not this again. So I was thinking, if you freed me...

You're my translator, I need you. That's why I made you first mate.

Which also went over pretty badly. Yeah, people hate you.

So let's put a pin in the whole manu-mission thing.

But-- Noah. Morale's low enough as it is.

Oh, and I bet I know who's to blame.

Yeah. No kidding.

I'm not kidding, this Archer guy's gonna get you all killed. He--

ARCHER: Riley. Archer.

What a coincidence. I was just talking about you.

With who? That little shit doesn't speak English.

I do little bit. No, you don't.

And correct syntax is "With whom."

Man, that is not gonna help morale.

Yeah, Bucky's an incorrigible gossip.

Who-- To whom you are forbidden to speak.

I locked you here so you couldn't contact my mother...

...not so you could, whatever, sow disharmony.

You're sowing plenty all by yourself.

Let's face it, kid, you're a bust as a pirate king.

King, exactly.

Unless you want to spend the afternoon with a bunch of scorpions...

...don't forget it.

And remember, this is a rescue mission.

I heard you.

Don't charge in there all crazy, machine-gunning everything in sight.

When have I--?

I'm sure you'd love it if Sterling were killed in some huge crossfire.

No, I wouldn't.

Let's just try to control all your jealousy and, ugh, sexual frustration.

Oh, no, you're breaking up. MALORY: Lana--

I mean, am Ijealous because Archer gets preferential treatment?

Yes. But, ha! Am I still attracted to him?

I mean, come on. ls a pig's ass pork?

I'm sorry, did you wanna hear what I think, or just what you wanna hear?

Ahh. He asked, pretty sarcastically.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Bucky. What is this?

We hold erection for king.

Well, that's flattering. It's not really necessary.

He means "elections."

Oh, well, that makes more-- Wait, what?

Time for new king.

Okay, pirates. Hey, take a knee. Noah, you wanna...?

That won't translate. It's like last week when you said:

“Lend me your ears," and they were like:

Damn it. I can't do idioms. Sorry.

Shut up.

Then unshut up, and tell them that I understand their frustration.

But do you?

But you don't change horses in--

Idiom, idiom. Right.

All right. Now is not the time for a new king.

Because the king is strong.

If you so strong, melawan raja.

PIRATE: Yeah, melawan raja!

What's melawan raja?

Oh, king fight. If the king loses to a challenger in one-on-one combat...

...he has to step down. Or just be dead.

Since when? Oh, since 19-always.

Did you not read the orientation materials?

Whoo!

Ha-ha-ha-ho!

More skimmed it.

Enough talk, melawan raja.

Okay, Bucky, take it easy. We'll melawan raja.

Oh, one thing--

Noah, shut up and translate. I accept your challenge.

Okay.

Because your mouth's been writing checks your butt can't cash.

Do you even know what an idiom is?

Colloquial metaphor.

No, it-- Well, okay, actually, yes, but really, I think this is a bad idea .

I'm not remunerating you to think, Noah. Even if you weren't a slave.

And your three-fifths of an opinion is noted, so-- Oh, sweet Jesus Jones.

See, Bucky doesn't have to fight you himself. He can choose a stand-in.

Who is huge.

That's what I was-- Why didn't he come out for lacrosse?

Ha! You lucky I do not let him.

Let him? Oh, he's Bucky's girlfriend.

Way to eschew traditional gender roles, pirates.

I know, they're fascinating.

Now we melawan raja. And then we see who is bucktooth little shit.

Yeah, it'll still be you. Listen.

Melawan raja!

Hey, maybe there's a way to make some money on this. Bet on me.

I would, but who'd bet on--? Wait, don't you have that backwards?

LANA: No. Because you know what I bet?

GILLETTE: I bet I know you're gonna tell me.

I bet after we Zodiac in past the reef, take out at least one OP...

...make our way through a jungle full of Claymores, neutralize the garrison...

...and extract that kidnapped getting-ass son of a bitch, he's gonna be all like:

Whoo!

Meh!

Like this whole thing was all just part of some dumbshit master plan.

GILLETTE: She said, trying to convince herself she no longer ached for his-- Ow!

I'm sorry, what were you gonna say?

Cock. Suck it. Because I'm still the king.

This no fair. You break rules.

What rules? We're pirates. Melawan raja means hand-hand combat.

No guns. Oh, boo-hoo.

Show me. Show me where it says that.

Take your time. I'm hourly.

I know it's in here somewhere.

Damn it. Okay, maybe it does not say this exact words, but everybody knows.

Nope. Fair is-- Well, it wasn't exactly fair...

...but since it wasn't expressly forbidden, tough titties.

Wow, I never realized how much we rely on idioms.

You win this round, Archer. Duh.

But every dog has his day.

See? Idiom.

And when that day come, Bucky make you sorry. Bucky make you say--

RILEY : Mayday, Mayday, Mayday.

This is Rip Riley calling ISIS, over.

Noah. Oh, that's not me.

I know that.

Oh, damn, is that the PA? Way to eschew traditional labeling, pirates.

Fascinating. Because since when is there a radio in the damn dungeon?

God, you really should have read your orientation materials.

Noah! Radio room.

Mayday, Mayday, Mayday, this is Rip Riley calling ISIS. Mayday.

MALORY: Rip? Oh, finally. Malory, listen to me very--

How's Sterling? is he hurt or--?

Oh, God, have the pirates tortured him?

Uh, no. Oh, thank God, I was--

Wait, are you under duress?

If you are, key your handset twice.

RILEY: I'm not under duress, I--

Oh, that's exactly what you'd say if you were under duress, so--

Malory. I don't have a lot of time, so please listen very carefully.

I'm listening. Your son is--

ARCHER: No!

Oh, my. Carol. Somebody.

What? Sterling. I think he's been shot.

Oh, my God.

So can I go home?

ARCHER: I told you, I'm not going anywhere.

Especially not back to ISIS, and especially not now that I just shot...

...what I assume was the only radio.

Uh, yeah, "See about getting a backup radio" was item five.

And item one is: Riley, get your ass back in your cell.

Um, sorry, item one's actually the morale problem.

Noah! More like potential mutiny.

Yeah, right? Ha, ha.

Okay, I'm gonna go ahead and change "morale problem" to "potential mutiny."

No. You're not. Because there is no mutiny, potential or otherwise.

So is that Malay for--?

"Mutiny," yes. Yeah, yeah.

So I guess I should upgrade it from "potential" to--?

Incipient? Ooh, nice.

No. Do not upgrade that mutiny.

Noah, I will tell you when it's time to upgrade the damn...

...mutiny. Okay. So, what comes after incipient?

In progress. Nailed it.

Oh, this is great. This is just great for my ears.

This is what I was talking about with the whole tinnitus thing.

You hear that high-pitched whine? It's like--

Yeah. Noah.

Ah! What? Well, for one thing...

...I'm kind of regretting making you first mate.

Yeah, me too. Now I'm management.

Archer. ARCHER: What?

Shut up. Noah.

What? What did you say about a backup radio?

That we need one. It's item five.

Oh, well, that's just--

A battering ram?

Archer!

What was that? What did he say? "We're going to kill you."

Oh, thought they were surrendering. Why? Why would you think that?

Well, they did before. For no good reason.

At least then we had assault weapons. Now we've only got-- Give me that.

Yeah, go nuts, Sundance, it's empty. RILEY: It's empty because you emptied it...

...into the only radio on the island. All six, right in the 10 ring.

Well, congratulations. We're trapped. We're not...

...trapped. Okay, yeah, we're trapped.

Uh, hey, gang? Why don't we just use that?

Well, we're obviously gonna use that.

No. No hantu. They not ghosts. They just white.

Racist. Ha!

You're racist.

Those dirty pirate bastards. They killed my baby boy.

Hey, hey, hey, you don't know that for sure yet.

You're right. That sound could've been anything.

Like a firecracker. Orientals are crazy for firecrackers.

Oh, my God, and rice.

Maybe Rip shot a pirate...

...and Sterling yelled "no" because he didn't want to give away their position.

And opium. Yes, you know, I bet they've escaped.

Oh, my God. And rice.

Because if anyone can escape from a pirate fortress, it's Sterling and Rip.

Especially if they cooperate.

Damn it, quit stepping on my hands, idiot.

Quit bossing me around. You're not--

Wait, tell me there's no chance you're my father.

Not unless you're 15. Oh, thank God.

The feeling's mutual. Because if my son was as big a bonehead as you--

You have a son? Huh?

No. Then shut up.

Noah, where the hell does this go? I don't know, down?

Wow, you're only a doctoral candidate? Hey, guy. My field's anthropology.

Heh, heh, good luck with the job hunt. Heh, right?

Not that it's your business, but I plan to teach.

Anthropology.

Wha--? Yes. To anthropology majors?

NOAH: Hey, you know what?

Thus continuing the circle of "Why bother?"

Oh. Anthropology is a very important field of study.

Ha! I'm pretty sure somebody's already named all the different spiders.

NOAH: That's arachnology!

I know. Equally huge waste of time.

NOAH: Yeah, and speaking of, can we go back up?

Oh, my God. Uh...

Not really. Why? Just curious.

GO, go! go'

ARCHER: Aah! NOAH: Ow!

Oh, shi--

ARCHER: Look, no grenade is a good grenade. Okay?

But that was just a flashbang grenade. Still super-bad for your ears.

So when we get out of here, you should go see my ENT doctor, he's good.

How the hell are we supposed to get out of here?

Isn't this your cell?

Yes. So how'd you get out before?

I bribed Bucky. Noah.

What? That is annoying as shit.

And I doubt we can bribe Bucky again, since I crippled his girlfriend.

So, what are we supposed to do now?

I don't know.

But I may as well go home and rest.

If they haven't escaped already, Lana will be there any time now...

...and she'll get them out. And it's not like I can do anything from here.

Exactly. So why do I have to stay?

Because Lana may call. Or because I said so. Pick one.

Just jacking it.

Oh, my God. And why the hell are you still here?

Um, I-- This is, uh-- What was I doing?

Whatever it was, you better pray it had about three coats of Scotchgard.

And that it wasn't--

CYRIL: Ugh. Pam.

Ugh!

Ugh.

LANA: His narrow twinky ass better not steal the boat, is all I'm saying.

Oh, and just before we get in there, I am not still attracted to Archer.

I'm sure he's still attracted to me. I mean, you know, he'd have to be...

...blind not to, um...

I'm so sorry about that. Does it hurt?

Ray, seriously, I'm sorry.

Oh, now you're giving me the silent treatment? What, are you 6?

GILLETTE: No. Just professional.

Hey, pirates.

ARCHER: Okay, then how about this?

We set Noah on fire... Wait. What?

...and when they come to put him out, we overpower them.

Don't have a lighter.

Well, then I'm out of ideas.

And also out of luck. Heh-heh-heh.

Because no rescue for you, Archer.

We catch your friends on beachy. My--? Ray? Holy shit, where'd you...

...get that eye patch? What, are you in pirate disguise?

Great job, buddy. Looks great.

Lana? You came all this way? To rescue me?

Oh, my God. Archer, don't you--

Still got it pretty bad for me, huh?

Archer.

Archer. Don't you dare say-- Whoo!