Original subtitles

Hey, Dave. What's going on?

Oh, hey, Calvin. Just picking upmy new lawn signs

for the campaign.

What do you think?

I think you're gonna look greatwith a blacked out tooth

and the word "dork" across your forehead.

Yeah, I didn't think about the kids vandalizing my signs.

Who said anything about kids?

So you're really gonna go through with this?

Hell, yeah. Look, we need stronger schools, safer parks,

and when it comes to our city government,

we need to have an open dialogue. Well, great.

You open that one, and I'll close this one.

I'm serious, Calvin.

We need strong representation,

and we haven't been getting it from Isaiah Evans.

Look, Isaiah has beenour councilman for a long time.

People love him.

He led the march on Washington.

You mean with Martin Luther King?

No. The marchon Washington Boulevard.

We wanted that Chipotle, and he got it for us.

Okay, but that was a long time ago,

and he hasn't done anything since.

Calvin, don't you want someone who's gonna roll up his sleeves

and make an impact on this community?

Nope. I don't like governmenttelling me what to do.

I got Tina for that.

♪ Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood ♪

♪ Welcome to the hood.

Hi, this is Dave Johnson.

I'm running for city council,

and I'm calling to ask for your support.

Yeah, I'm the white guy.

Well, yes, Dave is the one

who got the speed bumpput in on Evergreen.

Oh, you hit it too hardand messed up your alignment?

Well, take it on down to Calvin's Pit Stop

and vote for Dave Johnson.

Grover, you are licking too slow.

You are dabbing when you should be sliding.

Here, let me show you.

Ah... Aah! Paper cut!

Now you're bleedingwhen you should be dabbing.

So, I was thinking of invitingthe women from the neighborhood

for an elegant ladies' afternoon.

You know, put out the good china,

serve some tea and scones.

Tea and scones? Is Dave going to be a councilman

or a Disney princess?

I'm just trying to help him.

Most of the neighborhood just knows him

as the jogger in short shorts who's terrified of squirrels.

Hey, hey.

Ooh, well, well, well.

Look who showed up to volunteer.

So, Calvin, you finally ready to ride the Dave wave?

No.

Tina told me there was a deli tray.

Forget the Dave wave.

I'm ready to jump on the ham tram.

You know, I don't get it. Why won't you support me?

I supported youwhen Old Miss Kim accused you

of stealingher garden gnome.

That's because I didn't do it.

I was just the lookout.

I'm serious, Calvin.

You know, people around herereally look up to you,

and your endorsementcould help my campaign.

And I'd give it to you, Dave, except for one small problem.

This deli tray has

a better chance of winning than you do.

Ooh, spicy mustard.

I wouldn't underestimatemy husband.

Back in Kalamazoo, he got them to shut down

the strip clubnext to the school.

Oh, good for him.

Yeah, I was so proud.

Even though it put half my cousins out of work.

This isn't Kalamazoo.

This neighborhood is 80% black,

and Dave is 100% white.

110% when he wears his Crocs.

You know, so what if I'm white?

This community will vote for the best person

for the job. That's what I believe.

And I believe I'm gonna take my sandwich to go.

All aboard the ham tram!

Toot, toot!

Well, I hope you're happy.

Oh, I am. You know, I had my doubts at first,

but spicy mustard was the way to go.

I'm talking about Dave.

We're all over there supporting him.

Why won't you? Because

I don't want him to look like

the white guy who thinks he knows better,

swooping in to fix all the black folks' problems.

If I wanted a white savior,

I'd watch Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side.

Calvin, you love that movie.

I don't love that movie.

I just said, "Don't change the channel."

Okay, you're right.

Some people may think Dave is that way.

But that's not who he is, and you know that.

That's because I'm an evolved man, Tina.

You can't expect the rest of the neighborhood

to be as open-minded as me.

Open-minded? Seriously?

You refuse to watch a movie

if it has subtitles.

If I wanted to read, I'd get an audiobook.

All I know is Dave cares about this community.

Councilman Evans

has been coasting for years.

All he ever does is brag

about the time he met Eddie Murphy.

Tina, but you got to admit,

that's a great storyright there.

I mean,

the same car washon the same day?

That's destiny.

Okay, fine. Do what you want, but I'm supporting our friend.

So am I. I'm protecting him.

I don't want to see anybody attack or ridicule him.

You ridicule himall the time.

But I do it from a place of love.

What?

I love doing it.

Calvin, I can't tell you

how much it means to have your endorsement.

Oh, I'm notendorsing you.

I just brought youto the barbershop to show you

what the people around herethink about you running.

Plus, I can't wait

till the fellas hear howyou shut down the strip club.

Well, you'll see. I'm gonna get plenty of support.

After all, you know, I'm down with Que and the guys.

I just brought a squash casserole

over to the shop last week.

Dave,

there's nothing downabout a squash casserole.

There will be once they get their cholesterol checked.

Hey, shop.

What's up, man? Hey, Calvin.

Hey, Calvin. Hey, Dave.

What's up, Dave? Yo, Dave.

Did you get that thank you notel sent you for the casserole?

You hear that, Calvin?

He loved it.

And the serving dish it came in was great, too.

I sold it for ten bucks.

Cool. Cool.

Got that in Peru.

Uh, so, you guys might've heard

that I'm running for city council.

Yeah, we heard.

I saw one of your signs. I thought it was hilarious.

They drew eye patch, horns,

and I don't want to saywhat you had in your mouth.

Why are youlooking at me?

I just did the eye patchand the horns.

O-Okay.

I-I'm starting to get the vibe

that, uh, some of you might be skeptical.

But, you know, I've got some really great ideas

about the neighborhood that I think might change your minds.

Uh, I got a question.

Great. Fire away.

Was that an Old Bay seasoning you used in that casserole,

or was it Lawry's?

Any other questions?

Oh, yeah.

That are notabout the casserole.

Oh.

Hey, good afternoon, gentlemen.

Oh, oh, oh! ALL: Hey.

Councilman.Hey.

I just wanted to drop in and say hi

to some of my finest constituents.

And Trey.

You always got jokes, Councilman.

Yeah, and you always got a court date.

You got him.

Come on.

Wow, so that's Councilman Evans, huh?

He's really charming.

Yeah, and waittill you feel his handshake.

It's smoother than margarinemelting on a hot roll.

Calvin Butler.

Yeah.Hey. How'sthat beautiful Tina?

Well, she's married to me,

so she's blessed.

Yeah.

Uh, Councilman. I'm Dave Johnson.

Dave Johnson. The competition.

It is greatto finally meet you.

It is good to meet you, too.

Oh, my God, it's like a buttery hug.

I've been doingmy homework on you,

and it looks like youare ready to run a good race.

Probably in short shorts.

Well, you know, Councilman, now that you're here, uh,

I have a question for you. Go right ahead.

Well, I'm just curious on how

you plan on approaching the shortage of schoolteachers

that our district is currently facing.

Hmm.

Mmm.

Mm-hmm.

Dave, that is

a very important issue, and I'm glad

you brought that up.

Our teacher shortage

is a real challenge.Yeah. Right on. Yes, sir.

It is a challenge that we shall meet together

as a community. All right. All right.

And speaking of meeting,

did y'all hear my storyabout how I met Eddie Murphy?

Let Dave in here.

He ain't heard it yet. Come on.

I was getting my car washed.Okay.

He was getting his car washed. No!

I look over at him. He looks back at me. What?

He said...

For real!

He... Just like in the movies!

He laughs like in the movies!

I can't believe it.

Councilman Evanstotally dodged my question.

But can you believe

that him and Eddie Murphyboth use cinnamon air freshener?

Wow.

No. Not wow.

If anything deserves a "wow," it's my five-point plan.

Each point has five points of its own.

It's a 25-point plan.

That's 25 wows.

Look, Dave, the bottom line is

to half of the people,

you're the white guywho's new in town.

To the other half, you're the new guy who's white.

Hey. Yo, Dave,

you got some explaining to do, man.

What are you talking about?

Isaiah posteda picture of you online,

standing nextto a Confederate flag.

What? Well, that's crazy.

I would never...

Oh. Yeah, that's me.

You better start explaining why you're in a picture

posing next to a cake with a Confederate flag on it.

Calvin, you don't understand.

Look, that picture was from my tenth birthday party.

Well, what'd you do when you turned 11,

go to a Klan rally?

Isaiah cropped the picture.

Look, the theme of the party was The Dukes of Hazzard.

That flag is on their car.

I had no idea what it meant.

I'll tell you what it means now.

You can forgetabout being on the city council.

In fact, I wouldn't even get on a city bus.

This is a disaster.

I'm gonna go talk to Gemma.

Why didn't I havean A-Teamparty?

Everybody loves Mr. T.

Aw, man, I can't believe this.

I called it.

I knew this would happen.

What? You knew

Isaiah would finda 25-year-old picture

of Dave blowing out the candleson a Confederate flag cake?

Yeah. I just didn't say it out loud.

Well, we got to help him clear his name.

How? His name is on the cake.

Dad, Dave is your friend.

You know he's not racist.

I know that.

But what am I supposed to do?

Everyone who's seen that picturealready thinks he is.

Which is exactly why we need to help him.

Because nobody knows better than black people

how painful it is to be labeledas something that you're not.

Right, Pop?

Damn it, Malcolm.

Now I got to do the right thing.

And that's on you.

I can't believelsaiah would do this.

His handshakeisn't like a buttery hug.

It's like a...

Damn it! It islike a buttery hug!

Well, two can play at this game.

I'm gonna dig up some dirt on Isaiah

and see how helikes it. What dirt?

Like how he never does anything

or is cheating on his wife

or how he embezzled millions of dollars from the city.

You found that online?

No, I'm putting it there.

Gemma,

we are not gonna stoop to his level.

Look, we just have to face facts.

I'm done.

Don't talk like that.

You have never backed down from a fight in your life.

Not even when my stripper cousins jumped you

at Nana's birthday.

Yeah, that was no joke.

Bambi threw glitter right in my eyes.

Hey, Gemma.

Hey, Dave.

Are you here to say "I told you so"?

I wasn't.

But now that you mention it,

it does feel right, doesn't it?

Well, don't bother.

I think it's pretty obvious thatl have to drop out of the race.

Oh, Calvin, please talk some sense into him.

I'll be upstairs.

You're not gonna go post lies about Isaiah, are you?

Well, not anymore.

So whatdo you want?

Look,

I know I told you that you shouldn't run,

but I don't want to see you go down like this.

If Isaiah's willing to stoop this low, then,

clearly, we need some change around here.

Which is why you have my vote.

Unless that line is too long.

Yeah.

So you're gonna help me?

Yes.

But, first, we need to find out

if Isaiah has any more dirt on you.

Like, for Halloween,

did you ever go as a pointy-headed ghost?

Hi, I'm calling on behalf

of the Dave Johnson for City Council campaign...

Oh, well, let me tell you something about yomama...

Hello?

Okay.

So far, that'sthree "yo mamas..."

five "go to hells,"

and one "I better not seeyour ass at Chipotle."

Everyone is so mad at us.

I don't know how much more of this I can take.

And I'm really gonna miss Chipotle.

Look, I knowthis is bad right now,

but you can get through this.

You're tough.

I'm not so sure.

Well, I am, okay?

You moved your family into this neighborhood,

and you didn't take mess from anybody.

I guess.

And you're a principal at a private school.

You have to deal with snotty, spoiled brats all day.

And their kids, too.

Half the time, I can't even tellif the moms are mad at me

'cause of all the Botox.

Trust me, girl.

You got this.

Maybe you're right.Mm.

I am kind of a badass B-word.

Mm. Damn straight!

Mm! You are the secondstrongest woman I know.

Who's the first?

Me, B-word!

Okay, Dave,

you sure you're ready for this?

It's gonna getkind of rough in there.

No problem. I'm just gonna start

by telling them that there's no way that I'm racist

because my best friend is black.

As your black best friend,

never say you havea black best friend.

Okay. All right. Well, then I'm just gonna go in there

and tell them that these false accusations have got...

Have got me straight trippin'.

I take it back.

I'm not your black best friend.

Okay, so...

Well, what am I supposed to do?

Look, just go in there andshow them who you really are.

I'll have your back.

Okay. I'm just gonna go in there

and I'm gonna...

and I'm gonna clap... back... at my haters.

I never should've shown him Black Twitter.

Hey, guys! Hey, guys.

What are you doing here?

Yeah. And if you gota casserole,

you drop it offand you leave.

Okay, obviously, everyone here has seen the picture.

But I swear, you guys, it is not what it looks like.

Please.

I've used that line before,

and it was always what it looked like.

All right. Okay, hold on, everybody.

Come on. Give the man a chance.

A chance to what,

say he's got a black best friend?

Thank God you talked to me outside.

Okay, listen up.

Now, I know what everybodyin here is thinking about Dave.

But I've known this manfor two years,

and I can tell you thisfor sure...

There is nota racist bone

in his pasty littlewhite body.

But whatabout the picture?

Look, he was a dumb kidwho watched a dumb TV show.

That doesn't mean

that he was... Wait, wait.

Is that from The Dukes of Hazzard?

I used to love that show!

Yeah. It had that cool theme song.

♪ Just the good ol' boys...

Oh, wait.

See?

You all watched that show.

Which means that Davedidn't do anything wrong.

That's right. This was just Isaiah trying

to smear my name so that he could

win... the... election.

I can't believe Isaiah would stoop that low.

Exactly.

And you all saw him dodgeDave's question.

That's becausehe doesn't have answers.

But Dave does.

He has a 25-point plan that, trust me,

you do not want to hear.

But i-if you want to read it,

I have a pamphlet right here

that has all...

Look, my point is

is that Dave Johnsonis gonna fight for us.

He's gonna makeour schools stronger

and our parks safer,

and he's gonna listento the needs of this community.

And that's why he hasCalvin Butler's support.

Now, come on. Can he count on yours?

Hey, tha-thank you, guys.

And thanks, Calvin.

I don't know how I can ever repay you.

Well, when you're elected,

you can fix my parking tickets.

I'm gonna pretend that I didn't hear that.

Should I pretendto say it again?

And, you know, guys, uh,

just so you know, Isaiah Evans isn't the only one

who has rubbed elbows with a famous person.

Oh, yeah? Who'd you meet?

Well, a little celebrity chef named

Paula Deen.Uh-oh.

Come on. We got to go. We got to go.

Well, where do you think I gotthe recipe for the casserole?

So, you ready for your lesson?

Yep. Timeto make my handshake

smoother... than... Isaiah's.

You know you don't actually clap in a clapback?

Well, then, whathave I been doing?

I have no idea.

Look,

now, remember, when it comes to shaking a man's hand,

you want to be confident and comforting,

like a warm sock,

fresh from the dryer,

slipping onto his foot.

Check this out.

Hi.

Calvin Butler. Nice to meet you.

Wow.

I actually believeyou meant that.

Yeah.

Councilman Evans.

What areyou doing here?

I just came by to say

good luck on the campaign.

Oh, after that photo,

I could've sworn you were gonna drop out.

Well, not a chance.

It's gonna take a lot morethan that to scare me away.

Okay.

May the best man win.

Damn.

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