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1
00:00:04,031 --> 00:00:05,523
That is it, Ray.
2
00:00:05,525 --> 00:00:07,299
That's the last time
I go to paintball with you.
3
00:00:07,301 --> 00:00:10,102
I mean, the last thing you said
to me was, "I got your back."
4
00:00:10,104 --> 00:00:11,203
I did have your back!
5
00:00:11,205 --> 00:00:13,905
Well, then how did this happen?
6
00:00:13,907 --> 00:00:16,208
Hey, it's not my fault you
don't understand hand signals.
7
00:00:16,210 --> 00:00:17,409
I clearly said...
8
00:00:25,119 --> 00:00:26,585
Oh, I'm sorry.
9
00:00:26,587 --> 00:00:28,153
'Cause I thought you said...
10
00:00:34,228 --> 00:00:36,428
Hey, watch your language.
11
00:00:38,132 --> 00:00:40,165
(clattering)
12
00:00:40,167 --> 00:00:41,933
(laughter from kitchen)
13
00:00:41,935 --> 00:00:44,102
KIP: Shh, shh, shh.
14
00:00:44,104 --> 00:00:45,103
Shh, shh, shh. (laughing)
15
00:00:45,105 --> 00:00:47,506
Hey! What are you doing in my kitchen?
16
00:00:47,508 --> 00:00:49,541
We needed a bottle of tequila
17
00:00:49,543 --> 00:00:50,976
for something we're making.
18
00:00:51,812 --> 00:00:53,478
What are you making?
19
00:00:53,480 --> 00:00:55,080
Me drunk.
20
00:00:55,082 --> 00:00:56,581
(both laughing)
21
00:00:56,583 --> 00:00:57,816
NATHAN: You know, Mom,
22
00:00:57,818 --> 00:00:59,217
I'm starting to think that your roommate
23
00:00:59,219 --> 00:01:00,452
is a bad influence on you.
24
00:01:00,454 --> 00:01:02,154
Oh, lighten up. (makes fart noise)
25
00:01:02,156 --> 00:01:04,422
This is the only way
I could get her to make
26
00:01:04,424 --> 00:01:05,891
prank calls with me.
27
00:01:05,893 --> 00:01:09,628
I'm calling the mayor
and asking him to prom.
28
00:01:09,630 --> 00:01:10,595
No, you're not using my phone.
29
00:01:10,597 --> 00:01:11,830
Mom...
30
00:01:11,832 --> 00:01:12,764
You're right, you're right.
31
00:01:12,766 --> 00:01:14,499
You-you got bigger problems.
32
00:01:14,501 --> 00:01:16,835
Since, uh... (laughing)
33
00:01:16,837 --> 00:01:20,272
since your refrigerator isn't running.
34
00:01:20,274 --> 00:01:22,007
Uh...
35
00:01:22,843 --> 00:01:24,309
Yeah, it is.
36
00:01:24,311 --> 00:01:27,312
(both laughing)
37
00:01:27,314 --> 00:01:29,548
Then... then you better go...
38
00:01:29,550 --> 00:01:31,449
(both laughing)
39
00:01:32,386 --> 00:01:35,120
(laughing): I can't!
40
00:01:35,122 --> 00:01:36,588
A fridge...
41
00:01:36,590 --> 00:01:38,190
running...
42
00:01:38,192 --> 00:01:39,558
catch it...
43
00:01:39,560 --> 00:01:41,827
(laughing hysterically)
44
00:01:41,829 --> 00:01:43,428
Shh. Shh.
45
00:01:43,430 --> 00:01:45,397
Listen, listen, listen.
46
00:01:45,399 --> 00:01:47,566
Oh. Oh, hey.
47
00:01:47,568 --> 00:01:48,667
Mayor Hot Stuff?
48
00:01:48,669 --> 00:01:50,769
Shh.
49
00:01:50,771 --> 00:01:52,871
What's that?
50
00:01:52,873 --> 00:01:55,073
Oh, my God, Carol,
I called the wrong number.
51
00:01:55,075 --> 00:01:57,809
(both laughing)
52
00:01:57,811 --> 00:02:00,812
Hey, Dad, how's the renovations going?
53
00:02:03,966 --> 00:02:06,617
The Millers - 02x06
Diggin' Up Bones
54
00:02:16,404 --> 00:02:19,320
- sync and correction by solfieri -
www.addic7ed.com
55
00:02:26,552 --> 00:02:27,976
Thanks for dinner, Deb.
56
00:02:28,054 --> 00:02:29,453
Sorry I didn't eat very much.
57
00:02:29,455 --> 00:02:32,323
I'm on this new diet where
I only eat things with flavor.
58
00:02:32,325 --> 00:02:35,393
Oh, come on! That was funny!
59
00:02:35,395 --> 00:02:37,156
No, Nathan, it wasn't.
60
00:02:37,206 --> 00:02:39,530
Your humor is as bland as Debbie's cooking.
61
00:02:39,532 --> 00:02:41,232
(laughter)
62
00:02:42,735 --> 00:02:44,235
(laughing)
63
00:02:44,237 --> 00:02:46,304
I didn't hear. What did he say?
64
00:02:46,306 --> 00:02:49,440
Oh, Kip, you got to come over
for dinner more often.
65
00:02:49,442 --> 00:02:51,309
You're more than Mom's roommate;
you're a part of this family.
66
00:02:51,311 --> 00:02:53,678
Aw. I've always wanted
a cute little sister.
67
00:02:53,680 --> 00:02:54,579
(giggles)
68
00:02:54,581 --> 00:02:56,147
And a much older brother.
69
00:02:56,149 --> 00:02:58,282
Wait. Me?
70
00:02:58,284 --> 00:02:59,984
No, I'm not older than you.
71
00:02:59,986 --> 00:03:02,420
Well, you said before you're 43 years old
72
00:03:02,422 --> 00:03:05,022
and I just sent out the Evite
for my 35th birthday, so...
73
00:03:05,024 --> 00:03:06,491
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait, wait, wait...
74
00:03:06,493 --> 00:03:07,925
You're... (snorts)
75
00:03:07,927 --> 00:03:09,093
You're 34?
76
00:03:10,697 --> 00:03:12,029
What year were you born?
77
00:03:12,031 --> 00:03:13,664
- 1979.
- What year did you graduate high school?
78
00:03:13,666 --> 00:03:15,133
- 1998.
- Who shot J.R.?
79
00:03:15,135 --> 00:03:17,301
I'm not familiar with the reference.
80
00:03:18,671 --> 00:03:20,438
Debbie, did your mail come today?
81
00:03:20,440 --> 00:03:21,772
Uh, yeah, it's in the living room.
82
00:03:21,774 --> 00:03:23,474
Oh, let's go look
at Debbie's celebrity mags
83
00:03:23,476 --> 00:03:25,209
for tattoo ideas.
84
00:03:25,211 --> 00:03:26,878
You know, I always wanted to get a tattoo,
85
00:03:26,880 --> 00:03:29,113
but they told me my skin is too thin.
86
00:03:31,751 --> 00:03:33,351
Mom is thinking about getting a tattoo?
87
00:03:33,353 --> 00:03:34,685
Can you believe this?
88
00:03:34,687 --> 00:03:36,587
I don't know. You had
an earring for three years.
89
00:03:36,589 --> 00:03:38,689
Well, yeah, it was the '80s.
90
00:03:38,691 --> 00:03:42,059
You had to look stupid just to fit in.
91
00:03:42,061 --> 00:03:43,461
I always wanted an earring,
92
00:03:43,463 --> 00:03:45,429
but we couldn't afford any
real jewelry on the commune,
93
00:03:45,431 --> 00:03:48,699
so I just glued a piece of corn to my ear.
94
00:03:50,837 --> 00:03:54,739
It was so cool until the crows came.
95
00:03:54,741 --> 00:03:57,008
CAROL: Nathan! Debbie!
96
00:03:59,646 --> 00:04:02,513
Did you see this letter
from Central Elementary?
97
00:04:02,515 --> 00:04:04,348
No. Is it some sort of announcement
98
00:04:04,350 --> 00:04:06,484
giving you permission to open
other people's mail?
99
00:04:08,321 --> 00:04:09,687
It was sent to me.
100
00:04:09,689 --> 00:04:11,956
I guess I never updated
my address with them.
101
00:04:11,958 --> 00:04:13,291
And look at this.
102
00:04:13,293 --> 00:04:16,727
It's an invitation
to a retirement party for...
103
00:04:16,729 --> 00:04:18,930
Miss Pam.
104
00:04:18,932 --> 00:04:20,097
KIP: Ooh.
105
00:04:20,099 --> 00:04:21,666
I smell a rivalry.
106
00:04:21,668 --> 00:04:23,201
You know, Kip, I doubt my mom
107
00:04:23,203 --> 00:04:24,835
wants to rehash all the ugly details...
108
00:04:24,837 --> 00:04:28,072
For decades, I dedicated my life
109
00:04:28,074 --> 00:04:31,742
to being a model educator
at Central Elementary.
110
00:04:31,744 --> 00:04:34,879
My students looked at me with
a mix of fear, love and respect
111
00:04:34,881 --> 00:04:37,882
usually reserved for popular dictators.
112
00:04:37,884 --> 00:04:39,517
The semicolon is
113
00:04:39,519 --> 00:04:41,919
a powerful mark of punctuation
with three uses.
114
00:04:41,921 --> 00:04:43,254
Tammy, name them.
115
00:04:43,256 --> 00:04:46,691
Connections, transitions and complex lists.
116
00:04:46,693 --> 00:04:48,226
And, class, how do we use them?
117
00:04:48,228 --> 00:04:50,628
KIDS: With respect!
118
00:04:53,967 --> 00:04:56,067
(ukelele playing)
119
00:04:56,069 --> 00:04:57,802
CAROL: But then, one day,
120
00:04:57,804 --> 00:04:59,570
Miss Pam arrived,
121
00:04:59,572 --> 00:05:02,073
with a pair of bosoms
so prominently displayed,
122
00:05:02,075 --> 00:05:05,376
it was like there were
three globes in the room.
123
00:05:06,980 --> 00:05:08,579
♪ It's a comma with a hat ♪
124
00:05:08,581 --> 00:05:10,982
♪ And if you just remember that ♪
125
00:05:10,984 --> 00:05:12,717
♪ That's all you need to know ♪
126
00:05:12,719 --> 00:05:14,552
♪ About semicolons. ♪
127
00:05:14,554 --> 00:05:16,754
Hey. Could you keep it down?
128
00:05:16,756 --> 00:05:18,623
Some of us are trying to teach.
129
00:05:18,625 --> 00:05:20,424
What are you trying to teach them?
130
00:05:20,426 --> 00:05:22,360
How to hate learning?
131
00:05:22,362 --> 00:05:23,494
(children laugh)
132
00:05:23,496 --> 00:05:24,962
You might want to cover up.
133
00:05:24,964 --> 00:05:26,697
I wouldn't want you to lose
something in your cleavage,
134
00:05:26,699 --> 00:05:27,932
like your car keys.
135
00:05:27,934 --> 00:05:29,300
Or your car.
136
00:05:30,370 --> 00:05:31,902
And when things like
137
00:05:31,904 --> 00:05:34,605
the new overhead projector
arrived, it didn't matter
138
00:05:34,607 --> 00:05:36,107
who needed it most.
139
00:05:36,109 --> 00:05:38,042
The administration
would always look her way.
140
00:05:38,044 --> 00:05:41,412
And when Principal Horne finally retired...
141
00:05:41,414 --> 00:05:43,948
and to replace me as principal,
142
00:05:43,950 --> 00:05:46,517
no one is more deserving than...
143
00:05:47,553 --> 00:05:49,020
Miss Pam.
144
00:05:49,022 --> 00:05:50,388
(squeals)
145
00:05:51,958 --> 00:05:53,758
CAROL: When I started teaching,
146
00:05:53,760 --> 00:05:55,426
it was all about "A"s.
147
00:05:55,428 --> 00:05:58,462
But after Miss Pam, all anyone cared about
148
00:05:58,472 --> 00:06:00,406
were the double "D"s.
149
00:06:01,868 --> 00:06:04,802
So my biggest enemy became my boss.
150
00:06:04,804 --> 00:06:08,072
If you're just joining us,
Kip is on the edge of his seat.
151
00:06:08,074 --> 00:06:10,274
Thank you, Kip.
152
00:06:10,276 --> 00:06:11,242
Retiring?
153
00:06:11,244 --> 00:06:13,377
Why would she retire at that age?
154
00:06:13,379 --> 00:06:16,814
Oh, I bet it's because
her boobs are starting to sag.
155
00:06:17,817 --> 00:06:20,084
I hear that happens to some women.
156
00:06:21,254 --> 00:06:22,520
Mom, that was ten years ago.
157
00:06:22,522 --> 00:06:24,021
You just need to let it go.
158
00:06:24,023 --> 00:06:25,723
She's the one who can't let it go.
159
00:06:25,725 --> 00:06:27,758
Inviting me to her retirement party?
160
00:06:27,760 --> 00:06:30,528
I'll tell you what I think of that.
161
00:06:33,333 --> 00:06:36,233
Good Lord, that's a quality cardstock.
162
00:06:37,337 --> 00:06:39,103
You know what you should do, Carol?
163
00:06:39,105 --> 00:06:40,271
You should go to that party
164
00:06:40,273 --> 00:06:42,239
and give that woman a piece of your mind.
165
00:06:42,241 --> 00:06:43,341
You think so?
166
00:06:43,343 --> 00:06:44,675
Oh, gosh, sorry. You know what?
167
00:06:44,677 --> 00:06:46,410
I just remembered I forgot
to scrape any of the cheese
168
00:06:46,412 --> 00:06:47,445
off those dinner plates.
169
00:06:47,447 --> 00:06:48,913
Uh, you know, it's probably fine.
170
00:06:48,915 --> 00:06:50,881
It'll be easy to scrape off
in the morning, right, Mom?
171
00:06:50,883 --> 00:06:53,217
No, Nathan! How many times
do I have to remind you?
172
00:06:53,219 --> 00:06:56,120
Cheese on a plate makes a morning you hate.
173
00:06:56,122 --> 00:06:59,023
It's like nobody reads my needlepoints.
174
00:06:59,025 --> 00:07:00,624
What is wrong with you?
175
00:07:00,626 --> 00:07:01,992
My mom can't go to that thing.
176
00:07:01,994 --> 00:07:03,794
Wait a second.
Did you just purposely divert
177
00:07:03,796 --> 00:07:04,929
your mother into the kitchen?
178
00:07:04,931 --> 00:07:06,163
Yes, I did.
179
00:07:06,165 --> 00:07:07,798
Yeah, look, Kip,
our mom can't go to that party.
180
00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:08,866
Why not?
181
00:07:08,868 --> 00:07:11,102
She clearly has emotions
about this Miss Pam
182
00:07:11,104 --> 00:07:12,503
that she's been storing up for years.
183
00:07:12,505 --> 00:07:14,605
Your mother is an emotional hoarder.
184
00:07:14,607 --> 00:07:18,809
She collects grudges like
they're Cool Whip containers.
185
00:07:18,811 --> 00:07:22,613
The cheese was already stuck,
so I put it in soapy water.
186
00:07:22,615 --> 00:07:24,815
Soak overnight, morning delight.
187
00:07:24,817 --> 00:07:26,717
You know, Carol,
188
00:07:26,719 --> 00:07:29,253
I'd like to hear more about Miss Pam.
189
00:07:29,255 --> 00:07:32,022
Uh... oh, my God, I just remembered.
190
00:07:32,024 --> 00:07:33,391
Silly me.
191
00:07:33,393 --> 00:07:35,059
Left my wallet in the car.
192
00:07:35,061 --> 00:07:37,261
Although... it's probably fine.
193
00:07:37,263 --> 00:07:38,629
Are you crazy?
194
00:07:38,631 --> 00:07:40,731
A wallet in a car is thief bait!
195
00:07:42,201 --> 00:07:44,235
How much you want? Ten grand? 20 grand?
196
00:07:44,237 --> 00:07:46,537
To just walk out that door
and never come back.
197
00:07:46,539 --> 00:07:48,172
Okay.
198
00:07:48,174 --> 00:07:50,508
Look, Kip, I know that you
think that you're helping her,
199
00:07:50,510 --> 00:07:52,576
but maybe in this case we know what's best.
200
00:07:52,578 --> 00:07:54,945
Yeah, you tend to get to know somebody
after you spend 43 years with them.
201
00:07:54,947 --> 00:07:56,947
Well, that would be
impossible for me to do,
202
00:07:56,949 --> 00:08:00,384
since I'm five days shy of 35.
203
00:08:00,386 --> 00:08:01,619
What's your Chinese zodiac?
204
00:08:01,621 --> 00:08:03,020
Goat. Specifically, an earth goat,
205
00:08:03,022 --> 00:08:05,089
and my lucky flowers are carnation,
primrose and Alyce flower.
206
00:08:05,091 --> 00:08:07,258
What else you got, Gramps?
207
00:08:13,499 --> 00:08:16,000
Are you sure we should be here, Kip?
208
00:08:16,002 --> 00:08:16,834
I'm positive.
209
00:08:16,836 --> 00:08:18,736
- You need to move past this.
- Yeah.
210
00:08:18,738 --> 00:08:21,038
Just remember you're powerful,
you're beautiful,
211
00:08:21,040 --> 00:08:23,441
and if she comes at you, hit her high.
212
00:08:23,443 --> 00:08:24,909
She's bound to tip over.
213
00:08:26,379 --> 00:08:27,378
Yep, there they are.
214
00:08:27,380 --> 00:08:28,712
I knew it.
215
00:08:28,714 --> 00:08:30,147
We came looking for you at your apartment
216
00:08:30,149 --> 00:08:31,682
and you weren't there,
and I went to Debbie's
217
00:08:31,684 --> 00:08:33,050
and she said that she hadn't seen you,
218
00:08:33,052 --> 00:08:34,452
and then I put together
219
00:08:34,454 --> 00:08:36,787
that this lunatic
must have brought you here.
220
00:08:36,789 --> 00:08:37,855
Carol needs this.
221
00:08:37,857 --> 00:08:39,723
She needs to let Miss Pam
know how she feels.
222
00:08:39,725 --> 00:08:40,724
That's right.
223
00:08:40,726 --> 00:08:43,828
I need to get her chest off my chest.
224
00:08:43,830 --> 00:08:44,995
And look at this party
225
00:08:44,997 --> 00:08:46,764
she flirted the school
board into throwing her.
226
00:08:46,766 --> 00:08:48,432
Scallops wrapped in bacon?
227
00:08:48,434 --> 00:08:50,601
The only protein at my retirement party
228
00:08:50,603 --> 00:08:52,570
was a cricket that got in the punch.
229
00:08:52,572 --> 00:08:54,805
Mom, you've got to stop listening to him.
230
00:08:54,807 --> 00:08:55,873
I mean, you're...
231
00:08:55,875 --> 00:08:58,008
you're taking life advice from a guy
232
00:08:58,010 --> 00:09:01,545
who still thinks he's in his mid-30s.
233
00:09:01,547 --> 00:09:02,847
Ignore him, Carol.
234
00:09:02,849 --> 00:09:04,682
This will be cathartic.
235
00:09:04,684 --> 00:09:06,851
I once confronted the ice cream man
236
00:09:06,853 --> 00:09:09,186
who always drove away
when I came running up.
237
00:09:09,188 --> 00:09:11,722
Turns out, I had been
chasing the exterminator
238
00:09:11,724 --> 00:09:13,224
whose horn played music.
239
00:09:14,827 --> 00:09:16,827
That's why I'm so thin
and know seven different ways
240
00:09:16,829 --> 00:09:20,064
to get a rat out of the attic.
241
00:09:22,735 --> 00:09:25,035
Ah! There she is now.
242
00:09:25,037 --> 00:09:26,604
If you'll excuse me.
243
00:09:29,342 --> 00:09:32,710
Wow, those things haven't sagged an inch.
244
00:09:32,712 --> 00:09:35,679
I should get her boob guy to redo my couch.
245
00:09:35,681 --> 00:09:37,648
(gasps) Carol!
246
00:09:37,650 --> 00:09:40,050
Oh, I'm glad you could make it.
247
00:09:40,052 --> 00:09:44,622
And with the exact same hairdo
you had 25 years ago.
248
00:09:44,624 --> 00:09:48,092
You know, usually people only stick
with something when it works.
249
00:09:48,094 --> 00:09:49,527
That's not true.
250
00:09:49,529 --> 00:09:51,161
You stuck with teaching.
251
00:09:52,565 --> 00:09:53,931
I was an excellent teacher.
252
00:09:53,933 --> 00:09:55,232
Better than you.
253
00:09:55,234 --> 00:09:57,535
Why else would they have made me principal?
254
00:09:57,537 --> 00:10:00,271
I can think of two reasons: boop, boop.
255
00:10:01,641 --> 00:10:03,807
Those things got you everything.
256
00:10:03,809 --> 00:10:09,079
A projector, promotion
and the only classroom without asbestos.
257
00:10:09,081 --> 00:10:11,682
And that is exactly why the school board
258
00:10:11,684 --> 00:10:13,584
threw you this elaborate party.
259
00:10:13,586 --> 00:10:16,487
Carol, you poor, misguided mess.
260
00:10:16,489 --> 00:10:18,455
You think the school board did all this?
261
00:10:18,457 --> 00:10:21,825
My students are the ones
who paid for this party.
262
00:10:21,827 --> 00:10:22,860
- What?
- Yeah.
263
00:10:22,862 --> 00:10:23,861
My students!
264
00:10:23,863 --> 00:10:25,529
And they dug up all the time capsules
265
00:10:25,531 --> 00:10:27,631
that our class has buried,
just so I could read
266
00:10:27,633 --> 00:10:29,433
all the wonderful letters
that they'd written
267
00:10:29,435 --> 00:10:32,836
about their favorite teacher, Miss Pam!
268
00:10:37,643 --> 00:10:39,543
Hey, Mom, are you okay?
269
00:10:39,545 --> 00:10:41,445
Her students threw her this party.
270
00:10:41,447 --> 00:10:43,714
My students didn't throw me a party.
271
00:10:43,716 --> 00:10:45,616
I mean, I know I was strict, but I thought
272
00:10:45,618 --> 00:10:47,384
at least they appreciated it.
273
00:10:47,386 --> 00:10:48,786
Oh, I'm sure they did.
274
00:10:48,788 --> 00:10:50,220
And they would've thrown you a party
275
00:10:50,222 --> 00:10:52,423
if there'd been a Facebook
and a Twitter back then.
276
00:10:52,425 --> 00:10:56,093
Oh, social media! (growls)
277
00:10:56,095 --> 00:10:58,696
Ladies and gentlemen, reading
us letters from 20 years ago,
278
00:10:58,698 --> 00:11:00,798
please welcome Miss Pam!
279
00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:03,067
(whooping)
280
00:11:05,771 --> 00:11:07,871
"I can't wait until I'm all growed up
281
00:11:07,873 --> 00:11:10,608
so me and Miss Pam can get married."
282
00:11:10,610 --> 00:11:12,643
Talk to me after the party, Charlie.
283
00:11:12,645 --> 00:11:13,911
(clicks tongue)
284
00:11:13,913 --> 00:11:15,713
Maybe she was the better teacher.
285
00:11:15,715 --> 00:11:18,248
I never got a Valentine
from one of my kids.
286
00:11:18,250 --> 00:11:21,418
Even when I made it mandatory.
287
00:11:21,420 --> 00:11:23,587
"I love school with Miss Pam.
288
00:11:23,589 --> 00:11:25,689
She's the bestest teacher ever."
289
00:11:25,691 --> 00:11:26,824
Aw.
290
00:11:26,826 --> 00:11:29,860
No, you're the bestest, Rachel.
291
00:11:29,862 --> 00:11:32,930
Ooh, there's just so many of them!
292
00:11:32,932 --> 00:11:34,798
♪ So many letters, we're gonna be here ♪
293
00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:37,067
♪ All night. ♪
294
00:11:39,805 --> 00:11:42,906
If you'll excuse me a second,
I-I need to get some fresh air.
295
00:11:43,743 --> 00:11:45,242
Oh, God.
296
00:11:45,244 --> 00:11:47,544
I feel sorry for whoever
drove here in the smallest car,
297
00:11:47,546 --> 00:11:49,847
because that thing's
about to get flipped.
298
00:11:49,849 --> 00:11:52,216
She's probably going for a nice, long walk
299
00:11:52,218 --> 00:11:54,351
to calmly evaluate what happened
300
00:11:54,353 --> 00:11:56,286
and to let the healing process begin.
301
00:11:56,288 --> 00:11:59,623
Yeah, that doesn't sound like Mom.
302
00:12:03,829 --> 00:12:06,330
(alarm blaring)
303
00:12:06,332 --> 00:12:08,866
(woman shrieks)
304
00:12:08,868 --> 00:12:11,068
That sounds like Mom!
305
00:12:18,479 --> 00:12:21,092
You guys have to help me.
There's something wrong with your mom.
306
00:12:21,119 --> 00:12:22,749
She's just staring into space.
307
00:12:22,751 --> 00:12:25,318
I watched a fly walk across her eyeball.
308
00:12:26,154 --> 00:12:28,288
Well, hang on a second, Kip.
309
00:12:28,290 --> 00:12:32,975
I, uh, I know it's tacky to say
I told you so, but, uh...
310
00:12:33,005 --> 00:12:34,895
check your phone.
311
00:12:34,897 --> 00:12:36,863
I didn't bring it.
312
00:12:36,865 --> 00:12:39,466
It says I told you so!
313
00:12:39,468 --> 00:12:40,734
Okay, fine.
314
00:12:40,736 --> 00:12:41,935
I get it.
315
00:12:41,937 --> 00:12:43,270
You're right. I'm sorry.
316
00:12:43,272 --> 00:12:47,007
I just don't have
the life experience that you do.
317
00:12:47,009 --> 00:12:49,743
Look, it's not the first time
that Mom has been in a funk.
318
00:12:49,745 --> 00:12:52,012
All right? Everything
will be fine just as long as
319
00:12:52,014 --> 00:12:54,581
she's not moping around
in her depression hoodie.
320
00:12:54,583 --> 00:12:57,350
You mean that ratty green thing
that smells like a hamster cage?
321
00:12:57,352 --> 00:12:59,886
Oh, no, Nathan... the depression hoodie.
322
00:12:59,888 --> 00:13:03,390
She hasn't worn that since Tom
Selleck shaved his mustache!
323
00:13:04,726 --> 00:13:07,661
And she hasn't eaten anything
but Crystal Light in days.
324
00:13:07,663 --> 00:13:09,329
She's not even mixing it with water.
325
00:13:09,331 --> 00:13:10,964
She's sucking it straight from the packet!
326
00:13:11,800 --> 00:13:13,266
Oh, God.
327
00:13:13,268 --> 00:13:14,634
She's on the Crystal.
328
00:13:22,744 --> 00:13:24,277
Hey, Mom.
329
00:13:24,279 --> 00:13:26,379
How you doing?
330
00:13:26,381 --> 00:13:30,450
Brought you some water
to go with your Crystal Light.
331
00:13:35,624 --> 00:13:37,624
Don't get too close.
332
00:13:37,626 --> 00:13:38,658
She spits.
333
00:13:38,660 --> 00:13:40,760
Oh, it's okay.
334
00:13:40,762 --> 00:13:42,162
Debbie and I got some tricks
335
00:13:42,164 --> 00:13:44,464
that always get her out of her funk.
336
00:13:45,334 --> 00:13:47,200
Hey, Mom?
337
00:13:47,202 --> 00:13:49,769
I was thinking about
purchasing a major appliance.
338
00:13:49,771 --> 00:13:51,705
You think I should just go ahead and buy
339
00:13:51,707 --> 00:13:54,608
the first one I see
without comparison shopping?
340
00:13:56,144 --> 00:13:58,044
Save your money.
341
00:13:58,046 --> 00:13:59,913
Get some breast implants.
342
00:14:02,551 --> 00:14:04,417
I got this, I got this. I got it.
343
00:14:04,419 --> 00:14:06,419
Okay, okay, okay.
344
00:14:08,724 --> 00:14:10,490
Hey, Mommy?
345
00:14:10,492 --> 00:14:12,392
I think I have a fever.
346
00:14:12,394 --> 00:14:14,961
Would you mind checking with
your lips against my forehead?
347
00:14:14,963 --> 00:14:18,565
It's always so much more
accurate than a thermometer.
348
00:14:18,567 --> 00:14:19,666
What's the point?
349
00:14:19,668 --> 00:14:21,668
We're all gonna die.
350
00:14:21,670 --> 00:14:23,169
And my students aren't
351
00:14:23,171 --> 00:14:25,539
gonna come to my funeral.
352
00:14:26,608 --> 00:14:28,675
Okay, well, we'll-we'll go chew on that...
353
00:14:28,677 --> 00:14:30,877
She's gonna spit! Go! Go! Go!
354
00:14:34,249 --> 00:14:36,683
The only way that Mom is gonna feel better
355
00:14:36,685 --> 00:14:39,085
is if she thinks that
her students loved her.
356
00:14:39,087 --> 00:14:41,888
What we need are a bunch of
great letters like Miss Pam had.
357
00:14:41,890 --> 00:14:43,089
Good luck with that.
358
00:14:43,091 --> 00:14:44,791
Carol's not getting a letter from a student
359
00:14:44,793 --> 00:14:48,595
unless it's coming through
a window tied to a brick.
360
00:14:48,597 --> 00:14:50,130
Wait a second!
361
00:14:50,132 --> 00:14:51,998
What if we just write our own letters?
362
00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:54,701
We tell Mom that we dug up
her old time capsule,
363
00:14:54,703 --> 00:14:57,037
- and just replace the letters.
- Yeah.
364
00:14:57,039 --> 00:14:58,438
It's not a bad idea, but we don't know
365
00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:00,040
any of her students' names.
Plus, you know Mom.
366
00:15:00,042 --> 00:15:01,975
She's never gonna believe it
unless she takes them
367
00:15:01,977 --> 00:15:03,543
out of the actual time capsule.
368
00:15:03,545 --> 00:15:05,011
She's right. Carol can spot a lie
369
00:15:05,013 --> 00:15:06,179
from a mile away. Literally.
370
00:15:06,181 --> 00:15:08,582
Once, I told her I was sick
so I could get out
371
00:15:08,584 --> 00:15:10,650
of going on a hot air
balloon ride with her.
372
00:15:10,652 --> 00:15:12,953
She spotted me having a picnic.
373
00:15:12,955 --> 00:15:14,921
From a mile away.
374
00:15:16,391 --> 00:15:18,224
Fine. You know what? We'll go to the school
375
00:15:18,226 --> 00:15:20,760
and dig up the actual time
capsule and replace the letters.
376
00:15:20,762 --> 00:15:21,962
Yeah, yeah!
377
00:15:21,964 --> 00:15:23,897
And we'll have Mikayla and Dad write them
378
00:15:23,899 --> 00:15:26,933
so the handwriting looks like
it was done by sixth graders.
379
00:15:26,935 --> 00:15:27,968
(laughs)
380
00:15:27,970 --> 00:15:30,337
Cursive really throws me for a loop.
381
00:15:30,339 --> 00:15:31,871
Pun intended.
382
00:15:31,873 --> 00:15:33,206
(laughs)
383
00:15:33,208 --> 00:15:34,307
I've been waiting many years
384
00:15:34,309 --> 00:15:37,243
for the topic of handwriting to come up.
385
00:15:39,314 --> 00:15:42,082
Anyone want to talk about the trombone?
386
00:15:51,460 --> 00:15:53,627
Ooh, I got one!
387
00:15:55,697 --> 00:15:59,432
Oh, Mr. Hoover's class 1978.
388
00:15:59,434 --> 00:16:01,601
(groans)
389
00:16:02,404 --> 00:16:03,436
Oh, hey, look.
390
00:16:03,438 --> 00:16:05,038
There's a Charleston Chew in here.
391
00:16:05,040 --> 00:16:06,806
Can't find those anymore, huh?
392
00:16:06,808 --> 00:16:08,675
Just dig! We wouldn't even be out here
393
00:16:08,677 --> 00:16:09,909
if it wasn't for you!
394
00:16:09,911 --> 00:16:12,045
I already apologized!
395
00:16:12,047 --> 00:16:13,980
Geez, someone needs to watch Frozen
396
00:16:13,982 --> 00:16:16,650
and learn to "Let It Go."
397
00:16:16,652 --> 00:16:17,717
(metal clangs)
398
00:16:17,719 --> 00:16:19,252
Oh, I hit something.
399
00:16:19,254 --> 00:16:21,154
Guys! I found it!
400
00:16:21,156 --> 00:16:22,455
Okay, great. All right.
401
00:16:22,457 --> 00:16:23,890
Let's fill these holes back up
and get out of here.
402
00:16:23,892 --> 00:16:28,194
My... my shovel's stuck in a time capsule.
403
00:16:32,501 --> 00:16:34,801
Nathan, I think you hit a pipe!
404
00:16:34,803 --> 00:16:37,404
Yeah, that's not a capsule.
That's a water pipe.
405
00:16:37,406 --> 00:16:39,005
Really?
406
00:16:39,007 --> 00:16:40,874
You think I hit a pipe?
407
00:16:40,876 --> 00:16:42,075
I do!
408
00:16:42,077 --> 00:16:43,376
Yeah, Debbie's right.
409
00:16:43,378 --> 00:16:44,811
That's a pipe.
410
00:16:44,813 --> 00:16:47,047
(scoffs) Dummy!
411
00:16:47,049 --> 00:16:49,049
That's it.
412
00:16:49,051 --> 00:16:51,451
I'm killing you.
413
00:16:54,656 --> 00:16:57,490
(laughing)
414
00:17:04,066 --> 00:17:05,532
(grunting)
415
00:17:05,534 --> 00:17:07,701
Will you stop it?! You're being ridiculous!
416
00:17:07,703 --> 00:17:09,235
(both grunting)
417
00:17:10,238 --> 00:17:12,472
(screams)
418
00:17:14,309 --> 00:17:16,676
Oh, get ready to get your hair pulled.
419
00:17:16,678 --> 00:17:20,680
I earned a ton of extra money
in college doing this!
420
00:17:20,682 --> 00:17:22,348
(all yelling)
421
00:17:24,653 --> 00:17:25,919
Dear God!
422
00:17:25,921 --> 00:17:27,921
(siren whoops)
423
00:17:27,923 --> 00:17:30,090
(car doors open)
424
00:17:38,357 --> 00:17:40,523
Where are they?
425
00:17:40,525 --> 00:17:41,815
Your three little hoodlums
426
00:17:41,869 --> 00:17:43,761
are in the locker room getting cleaned up
427
00:17:43,763 --> 00:17:45,095
because they were a mess.
428
00:17:45,097 --> 00:17:47,297
(clears throat)
429
00:17:50,879 --> 00:17:52,069
Look at you!
430
00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:54,338
What do you have to say for yourselves?
431
00:17:54,340 --> 00:17:56,573
Well, I can't speak for these two.
432
00:17:56,575 --> 00:17:59,410
But I got to say that I'm kind of proud
433
00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:01,879
that I still fit into
12-year-olds' gym shorts.
434
00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:05,616
What were you all doing?
435
00:18:05,618 --> 00:18:07,251
They were looking for this.
436
00:18:07,253 --> 00:18:09,119
My old time capsule?
437
00:18:09,121 --> 00:18:10,688
Why would you want to dig that up?
438
00:18:10,690 --> 00:18:12,156
We thought it might make you feel better
439
00:18:12,158 --> 00:18:13,624
to read some of your students' old letters.
440
00:18:13,626 --> 00:18:15,392
You did that for me?
441
00:18:15,394 --> 00:18:16,493
You're right.
442
00:18:16,495 --> 00:18:18,929
I-I would like to see
what those letters say.
443
00:18:18,931 --> 00:18:20,197
Uh, don't open that!
444
00:18:20,199 --> 00:18:21,865
- Might be full of spiders!
- Or rusty edges!
445
00:18:21,867 --> 00:18:25,135
Or terrible letters. I mean, more spiders.
446
00:18:25,137 --> 00:18:27,938
I already opened it
and read all the letters.
447
00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:29,006
In fact, let me share
448
00:18:29,008 --> 00:18:31,842
my favorite one from Jay Simmons.
449
00:18:31,844 --> 00:18:33,610
"Dear Citizens of the Future,
450
00:18:33,612 --> 00:18:35,612
if time machines have been invented,
451
00:18:35,614 --> 00:18:36,980
please come back and save me
452
00:18:36,982 --> 00:18:40,584
from the detestable hell
that is Mrs. Miller's class."
453
00:18:40,586 --> 00:18:43,020
Let me see those.
454
00:18:43,022 --> 00:18:45,089
(sighs) This one's from Mike Fisher.
455
00:18:45,091 --> 00:18:46,290
I loved him.
456
00:18:46,292 --> 00:18:48,025
"The devil is not dead.
457
00:18:48,027 --> 00:18:49,960
Rather she is walking amongst us
458
00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:51,729
in an array of oversized tops
459
00:18:51,731 --> 00:18:54,331
sporting way too much tropical fruit."
460
00:18:54,333 --> 00:18:57,067
From Erica Temple.
461
00:18:57,069 --> 00:18:58,669
Sweet girl.
462
00:18:58,671 --> 00:19:03,374
"I am so eternally grateful that I was
assigned to Mrs. Miller's class this year."
463
00:19:03,376 --> 00:19:04,508
Hey, that's a good one. Let's end on that.
464
00:19:04,510 --> 00:19:06,110
"If I hadn't been assigned to her,
465
00:19:06,112 --> 00:19:07,511
"then my parents' divorce
466
00:19:07,513 --> 00:19:09,813
would've been the worst thing
that happened this year.
467
00:19:09,815 --> 00:19:12,750
Instead, the bitter custody
trial proved a welcome relief
468
00:19:12,752 --> 00:19:16,587
from the agony
of her lugubrious classroom."
469
00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:23,193
Mom... you don't deserve that.
470
00:19:23,195 --> 00:19:25,028
That's just mean.
471
00:19:25,030 --> 00:19:27,164
"Lugubrious" ? Is that a good thing?
472
00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:30,667
No. It means "sad and dismal."
473
00:19:30,669 --> 00:19:33,404
Actually, what it means
is that my sixth graders
474
00:19:33,406 --> 00:19:36,540
were writing at a 12th-grade level.
475
00:19:36,542 --> 00:19:39,476
Look at this perfectly used
semicolon right here.
476
00:19:39,478 --> 00:19:41,779
"The devil is not dead... semicolon...
477
00:19:41,781 --> 00:19:44,715
rather... comma...
she is walking amongst us."
478
00:19:44,717 --> 00:19:48,218
And right now I'm walking mighty proud.
479
00:19:48,220 --> 00:19:49,920
NATHAN: Yeah, mom.
480
00:19:49,922 --> 00:19:51,155
You know what? You're right.
481
00:19:51,157 --> 00:19:52,556
I mean, look.
482
00:19:52,558 --> 00:19:54,725
Look at... look at Miss Pam's letters.
483
00:19:54,727 --> 00:19:56,126
I mean, they're filled with mistakes.
484
00:19:56,128 --> 00:19:57,261
And this handwriting?
485
00:19:57,263 --> 00:20:00,097
It looks like they wrote
these with their feet.
486
00:20:00,099 --> 00:20:01,665
Well, at least they liked me.
487
00:20:01,667 --> 00:20:03,300
Well, good for you.
488
00:20:03,302 --> 00:20:06,003
I didn't sign up to be
a teacher so I could be
489
00:20:06,005 --> 00:20:08,672
best friends with a bunch of sixth graders.
490
00:20:08,674 --> 00:20:11,208
My goal was to lay my head
on my pillow every night
491
00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:13,844
knowing I'd given my kids a great education
492
00:20:13,846 --> 00:20:16,079
whether they liked me or not.
493
00:20:16,081 --> 00:20:17,581
So, I'm fine if your students
494
00:20:17,583 --> 00:20:20,484
think you are the bestest... semicolon...
495
00:20:20,486 --> 00:20:23,587
I'd rather be remembered
as the best... period.
496
00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:29,059
She just combined two independent clauses.
497
00:20:29,061 --> 00:20:32,696
Uh, I know that 'cause I was in her class.
498
00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:36,033
And I wasn't.
499
00:20:36,035 --> 00:20:39,636
Which is why I have no idea
what an independent clause is.
500
00:20:39,638 --> 00:20:41,071
(clicks tongue)
501
00:20:45,711 --> 00:20:48,212
(blows raspberry)
502
00:20:50,177 --> 00:20:52,683
Boy. Carol's one hell of a teacher
503
00:20:52,685 --> 00:20:54,918
for you to be able
to remember all the things
504
00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:57,421
she taught you over 30 years ago.
505
00:20:57,423 --> 00:21:01,358
You've had my entire lifetime to forget it.
506
00:21:01,360 --> 00:21:02,359
Who's your favorite Charlie's Angel?
507
00:21:02,361 --> 00:21:03,594
- Lucy Liu.
- No, from the TV show.
508
00:21:03,596 --> 00:21:05,229
- Didn't know there was one.
- Oh, damn it!
509
00:21:05,231 --> 00:21:08,989
- sync and correction by solfieri -
www.addic7ed.com
36693
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