All language subtitles for The Neighborhood s02e22_English

Hey, Dave. What's going on?

Oh, hey, Calvin. Just picking upmy new lawn signs

for the campaign.

[grunts]
What do you think?

I think you're gonna look greatwith a blacked out tooth

and the word "dork"
across your forehead.

Yeah, I didn't think about
the kids vandalizing my signs.

Who said anything about kids?

[chuckles]

So you're really gonna
go through with this?

Hell, yeah. Look, we need
stronger schools, safer parks,

and when it comes
to our city government,

we need to have
an open dialogue.Well, great.

You open that one,and I'll close this one.

I'm serious, Calvin.

We need strong representation,

and we haven't been getting
it from Isaiah Evans.

Look, Isaiah has beenour councilman for a long time.

People love him.

He led the march on Washington.

You mean with
Martin Luther King?

No. The marchon Washington Boulevard.

We wanted that Chipotle,and he got it for us.

Okay, but that was
a long time ago,

and he hasn't done
anything since.

Calvin, don't you want someone
who's gonna roll up his sleeves

and make an impact
on this community?

Nope. I don't like governmenttelling me what to do.

I got Tina for that.

♪ Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪

♪ Welcome to the hood.

Hi, this is Dave Johnson.

I'm running for city council,

and I'm calling
to ask for your support.

Yeah, I'm the white guy.

Well, yes, Dave is the one

who got the speed bumpput in on Evergreen.

[chuckles]

Oh, you hit it too hardand messed up your alignment?

[chuckles]

Well, take it on down
to Calvin's Pit Stop

and vote for Dave Johnson.

Grover, you are
licking too slow.

You are dabbing when
you should be sliding.

Here, let me show you.
[clears throat]

Ah... Aah! Paper cut!

Now you're bleedingwhen you should be dabbing.

So, I was thinking of invitingthe women from the neighborhood

for an elegant
ladies' afternoon.

You know,
put out the good china,

serve some tea and scones.

Tea and scones?Is Dave going to be a councilman

or a Disney princess?

[chuckles]

I'm just trying to help him.

Most of the neighborhood
just knows him

as the jogger in short shorts
who's terrified of squirrels.

Hey, hey.

Ooh, well, well, well.

Look who showed up to volunteer.

So, Calvin, you finally ready
to ride the Dave wave?

[chuckles]:
No.

Tina told me
there was a deli tray.

Forget the Dave wave.

I'm ready
to jump on the ham tram.

You know, I don't get it.Why won't you support me?

I supported youwhen Old Miss Kim accused you

of stealingher garden gnome.

That's because I didn't do it.

I was just the lookout.

I'm serious, Calvin.

You know, people around herereally look up to you,

and your endorsementcould help my campaign.

And I'd give it to you, Dave,
except for one small problem.

This deli tray has

a better chance of winning
than you do.

Ooh, spicy mustard.

I wouldn't underestimatemy husband.

Back in Kalamazoo,he got them to shut down

the strip clubnext to the school.

Oh, good for him.

Yeah, I was so proud.

Even though it put
half my cousins out of work.

This isn't Kalamazoo.

This neighborhood is 80% black,

and Dave is 100% white.

110% when he wears his Crocs.

You know, so what if I'm white?

This community will vote
for the best person

for the job.That's what I believe.

And I believe I'm gonna
take my sandwich to go.

All aboard
the ham tram!

Toot, toot!

Well, I hope
you're happy.

Oh, I am. You know,
I had my doubts at first,

but spicy mustard
was the way to go.

I'm talking about Dave.

We're all over there
supporting him.

Why won't you?Because

I don't want him to look like

the white guy
who thinks he knows better,

swooping in to fix
all the black folks' problems.

If I wanted a white savior,

I'd watch Sandra Bullock
in The Blind Side.

Calvin, you love that movie.

I don't love that movie.

I just said,
"Don't change the channel."

Okay, you're right.

Some people may think
Dave is that way.

But that's not who he is,
and you know that.

That's because
I'm an evolved man, Tina.

You can't expect
the rest of the neighborhood

to be as open-minded as me.

Open-minded?
Seriously?

You refuse to
watch a movie

if it has subtitles.

If I wanted to read,
I'd get an audiobook.

All I know is Dave cares
about this community.

Councilman Evans

has been coasting for years.

All he ever does is brag

about the time
he met Eddie Murphy.

Tina, but you got to admit,

that's a great storyright there.

I mean,

the same car washon the same day?

That's destiny.

Okay, fine. Do what you want,
but I'm supporting our friend.

So am I. I'm protecting him.

I don't want to see anybody
attack or ridicule him.

You ridicule himall the time.

But I do it
from a place of love.

What?

I love doing it.

[laughs]

Calvin, I can't tell you

how much it means to
have your endorsement.

Oh, I'm notendorsing you.

I just brought youto the barbershop to show you

what the people around herethink about you running.

[chuckles]:Plus, I can't wait

till the fellas hear howyou shut down the strip club.

Well, you'll see. I'm gonna
get plenty of support.

After all, you know, I'm
down with Que and the guys.

I just brought a
squash casserole

over to the shop last week.

Dave,

there's nothing downabout a squash casserole.

There will be once they get
their cholesterol checked.

Hey, shop.

What's up, man?Hey, Calvin.

Hey, Calvin.Hey, Dave.

What's up, Dave?Yo, Dave.

Did you get that thank you noteI sent you for the casserole?

You hear that, Calvin?

He loved it.

And the serving dish it
came in was great, too.

I sold it for ten bucks.

Cool. Cool.

Got that in Peru.

Uh, so, you guys might've heard

that I'm running
for city council.

Yeah, we heard.
[laughing][laughing]

I saw one of your signs.I thought it was hilarious.

They drew eye patch, horns,

and I don't want to saywhat you had in your mouth.

[laughter]

Why are youlooking at me?

I just did the eye patchand the horns.

O-Okay.

[chuckles]:
I-I'm starting to get the vibe

that, uh, some of you
might be skeptical.

But, you know, I've got
some really great ideas

about the neighborhood that I
think might change your minds.

Uh, I got a question.

Great. Fire away.

Was that an Old Bay seasoning
you used in that casserole,

or was it Lawry's?

Any other questions?

Oh, yeah.

That are notabout the casserole.

Oh.

Hey, good afternoon, gentlemen.

Oh, oh, oh!ALL:
Hey.

Councilman.Hey.

I just wanted to drop in
and say hi

to some
of my finest constituents.

And Trey.

[laughs]

You always got jokes,Councilman. [laughs]

Yeah, and you always got
a court date.

[laughter]You got him.

Come on.

Wow, so that's
Councilman Evans, huh?

He's really charming.

Yeah, and waittill you feel his handshake.

It's smoother than margarinemelting on a hot roll.

Calvin Butler.

Yeah.Hey. How'sthat beautiful Tina?

Well, she's married to me,

so she's blessed.[laughs]

Yeah.

Uh, Councilman.
I'm Dave Johnson.

Dave Johnson.The competition.

[chuckles]

It is greatto finally meet you.

It is good to meet you, too.

Oh, my God,it's like a buttery hug.

I've been doingmy homework on you,

and it looks like youare ready to run a good race.

Probably in short shorts.

[laughter]

Well, you know, Councilman,
now that you're here, uh,

I have a question
for you.Go right ahead.

Well, I'm just curious on how

you plan on approaching the
shortage of schoolteachers

that our district
is currently facing.

Hmm.

Mmm.

Mm-hmm.

Dave, that is

a very important issue,and I'm glad

you brought that up.

Our teacher shortage

is a real challenge.Yeah. Right on.Yes, sir.

It is a challenge
that we shall meet together

as a community.All right. All right.

And speaking of meeting,

did y'all hear my storyabout how I met Eddie Murphy?

[excited chatter]

Let Dave in here.

He ain't heard
it yet. Come on.

I was getting my car washed.Okay.

He was getting his car washed.No!

I look over at him.
He looks back at me.What?

He said...[imitates Eddie Murphy laughing]

[indistinct shouting]For real!

He... Just like in the movies!

He laughs like in the movies!

I can't believe it.

Councilman Evanstotally dodged my question.

[chuckles]But can you believe

that him and Eddie Murphyboth use cinnamon air freshener?

Wow.

No. Not wow.

If anything deserves a "wow,"
it's my five-point plan.

Each point has five
points of its own.

It's a 25-point plan.

That's 25 wows.

[sighs]Look, Dave, the bottom line is

to half of the people,

you're the white guywho's new in town.

To the other half,you're the new guy who's white.

Hey. Yo, Dave,

you got some explaining
to do, man.

What are you
talking about?

Isaiah posteda picture of you online,

standing nextto a Confederate flag.

What?Well, that's crazy.

I would never--

Oh. Yeah, that's me.

You better start explaining
why you're in a picture

posing next to a cake
with a Confederate flag on it.

Calvin, you don't understand.

Look, that picture was
from my tenth birthday party.

Well, what'd you do
when you turned 11,

go to a Klan rally?

Isaiah cropped the picture.

Look, the theme of the party
was The Dukes of Hazzard.

That flag is on their car.

I had no idea what it meant.

I'll tell you what it means now.

You can forgetabout being on the city council.

In fact, I wouldn't even get
on a city bus.

This is a disaster.

I'm gonna go talk to Gemma.

Why didn't I havean A-Teamparty?

Everybody loves Mr. T.

Aw, man, I can't
believe this.

I called it.

I knew this would happen.

What? You knew

Isaiah would finda 25-year-old picture

of Dave blowing out the candleson a Confederate flag cake?

Yeah. I just didn't say it
out loud.

Well, we got to help
him clear his name.

How? His name is on the cake.

Dad, Dave is your friend.

You know he's not racist.

I know that.

But what am I supposed to do?

Everyone who's seen that picturealready thinks he is.

Which is exactly why we need
to help him.

Because nobody knows better
than black people

how painful it is to be labeledas something that you're not.

Right, Pop?

Damn it, Malcolm.

Now I got to do the right thing.

And that's on you.

I can't believeIsaiah would do this.

His handshakeisn't like a buttery hug.

It's like a...

Damn it! It islike a buttery hug!

Well, two can play
at this game.

I'm gonna dig up
some dirt on Isaiah

and see how helikes it.What dirt?

Like how he never does anything

or is cheating on his wife

or how he embezzled millions
of dollars from the city.

You found that online?

No, I'm putting it there.

Gemma,

we are not gonna stoop
to his level.

Look, we just have
to face facts.

I'm done.

Don't talk like that.

You have never backed down
from a fight in your life.

Not even when my stripper
cousins jumped you

at Nana's birthday.

Yeah, that was no joke.

Bambi threw glitter
right in my eyes.

[knocking]

Hey, Gemma.

Hey, Dave.

Are you here to say"I told you so"?

I wasn't.

But now that you mention it,

it does feel right, doesn't it?

Well,don't bother.

I think it's pretty obvious thatI have to drop out of the race.

Oh, Calvin,please talk some sense into him.

I'll be upstairs.

You're not gonna go post lies
about Isaiah, are you?

Well, not anymore.

So whatdo you want?

[grunts]

Look,

I know I told you
that you shouldn't run,

but I don't want to see
you go down like this.

If Isaiah's willing to
stoop this low, then,

clearly, we need some
change around here.

Which is why you have my vote.

Unless that line
is too long.

Yeah.

So you're gonna help me?

Yes.

But, first, we
need to find out

if Isaiah has any
more dirt on you.

Like, for Halloween,

did you ever go as a
pointy-headed ghost?

Hi, I'm calling
on behalf

of the Dave Johnson for
City Council campaign--

Oh, well, let me tell you
something about yomama...

Hello?

[sighs]Okay.

So far, that'sthree "yo mamas..."

[groans]

...five "go to hells,"[groans]

and one "I better not seeyour ass at Chipotle."

[gasps]

Everyone is
so mad at us.

I don't know how much more
of this I can take.

And I'm really gonna miss
Chipotle.

Look, I knowthis is bad right now,

but you can get through this.

You're tough.

I'm not so sure.

Well, I am, okay?

You moved your family
into this neighborhood,

and you didn't take mess
from anybody.

I guess.

And you're a principal
at a private school.

You have to deal with snotty,
spoiled brats all day.

And their kids, too.

Half the time, I can't even tellif the moms are mad at me

'cause of all the Botox.

Trust me, girl.

You got this.

Maybe you're right.Mm.

I am kind of a badass B-word.

Mm. Damn straight!

Mm! You are the secondstrongest woman I know.

Who's the first?

Me, B-word!

Okay, Dave,

you sure you're ready for this?[exhales]

It's gonna getkind of rough in there.

No problem.
I'm just gonna start

by telling them that
there's no way that I'm racist

because my best
friend is black.

As your black best friend,

never say you havea black best friend.

Okay. All right. Well, then
I'm just gonna go in there

and tell them that these
false accusations have got--

have got me
straight trippin'.

I take it back.

I'm not your black best friend.

Okay, so...
[sighs]

Well, what am I
supposed to do?

Look, just go in there andshow them who you really are.

I'll have your back.

Okay. I'm just
gonna go in there

and I'm gonna...

and I'm gonna clap...
back... at my haters.

I never should've shown him
Black Twitter.

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, guys! Hey, guys.

[chatter stops]

What are you doing here?

Yeah. And if you gota casserole,

you drop it offand you leave.

Okay, obviously, everyone
here has seen the picture.

But I swear, you guys, it
is not what it looks like.

Please.

I've used that line before,

and it was
always what it looked like.

[others agreeing]

All right. Okay,
hold on, everybody.

Come on.Give the man a chance.

A chance to what,

say he's got
a black best friend?

[others agreeing]

Thank God you talked
to me outside.

Okay, listen up.

Now, I know what everybodyin here is thinking about Dave.

But I've known this manfor two years,

and I can tell you thisfor sure--

there is nota racist bone

in his pasty littlewhite body.

But whatabout the picture?

Look, he was a dumb kidwho watched a dumb TV show.

That doesn't mean

that he was...Wait, wait.

Is that
from The Dukes of Hazzard?

I used to love
that show!

[others agreeing, chuckling]

Yeah. It had
that cool theme song.

♪ Just the good ol' boys...

Oh, wait.

See?

You all watched that show.

Which means that Davedidn't do anything wrong.

That's right.
This was just Isaiah trying

to smear my name
so that he could

win... the... election.

I can't believe
Isaiah would stoop that low.

Exactly.

And you all saw him dodgeDave's question.

That's becausehe doesn't have answers.

But Dave does.

He has a 25-point plan that,
trust me,

you do not want to hear.

But i-if you
want to read it,

I have a pamphlet
right here

that has all...

Look, my point is

is that Dave Johnsonis gonna fight for us.

He's gonna makeour schools stronger

and our parks safer,

and he's gonna listento the needs of this community.

And that's why he hasCalvin Butler's support.

Now, come on.Can he count on yours?

[all agreeing]

[chattering]

Hey, tha-thank you, guys.

And thanks, Calvin.

I don't know how I
can ever repay you.

Well, when you're elected,

you can fix my parking tickets.

[chuckling]

I'm gonna pretend that
I didn't hear that.

Should I pretendto say it again?

And, you know,
guys, uh,

just so you know,Isaiah Evans isn't the only one

who has rubbed elbows
with a famous person.

Oh, yeah?Who'd you meet?

Well, a little celebrity chef
named

Paula Deen.Uh-oh.

Come on. We got to go.
We got to go.[others protesting]

Well, where do you think I gotthe recipe for the casserole?

So, you ready
for your lesson?

Yep. Timeto make my handshake

smoother...than... Isaiah's.

You know you don't
actually clap in a clapback?

Well, then, whathave I been doing?

I have no idea.

Look,

now, remember, when it comes
to shaking a man's hand,

you want to be confident
and comforting,

like a warm sock,

fresh from the dryer,

slipping onto his foot.

Check this out.

Hi.

Calvin Butler.
Nice to meet you.

Wow.

I actually believeyou meant that.

Yeah.

[doorbell rings]

Councilman Evans.

What areyou doing here?

I just came by to say

good luck on the campaign.
[chuckles]

Oh, after that photo,

I could've sworn
you were gonna drop out.

Well, not a chance.

It's gonna take a lot morethan that to scare me away.

Okay.

May the best man win.

Damn.

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