Original subtitles

- I want to go to the meatball shop.

- We're not going to the meatball shop. It's--

- Is that Dave and John Mulaney coming out of Katz's?

- That's your and Dave's place.

Wait, maybe we should go a different direction.

- No, it's too late. They--they saw us.

Act like we're together.

- What? - Hey.

- Hey. - Oh, hey.

- How's it going? - Jim.

- Hey. Well, we--I was just using the bathroom.

You guys going in or--

- No. No, we're--we're going to look at an apartment.

- Oh.

- Um, oh, Jeannie, this is m--John, my partner.

Uh, writing partner.

- Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.

I really like your scarf.

- Oh, thank you.

You know, I got it on Elizabeth Street.

There's this really cute, like, scarves and candles store

and they have cats. Like, cat treats.

There's a cat named Eleanor who sits there all day, like...

- Well, we should go.

- How--how you been? You been all right?

- Good, good, good. And you?

- I'm also doing great.

- Yeah, he's headlining Carolines tonight

and I'm opening for him.

- Oh, well, I'll see you around.

- Dave got you banned from Carolines

and now he's headlining?

- He's got a TV deal. That's how it works.

- John Mulaney liked my scarf.

["Love Hurts" by Nazareth]

*

- * Love hurts

* Love scars

* Love wounds

[horn honks]

- Voilà, the upstairs is divided into several bedrooms.

- This is unbelievable.

- H--how much is this place?

- And wait until you see this.

* Ba-ba!

- This kitchen is bigger than our entire living room.

An outdoor space!

- Yeah. - How much is it?

- And that is the city park,

so they can never put up buildings and ruin your view.

- I see our children playing,

and I'm watching them through this window

while I make my own pasta,

and I'm seasoning it with herbs

from--from my own herb garden right there,

and there's--and there's places

where we can build snowmen in the winter

and come right inside again for hot chocolate

and in the summertime, fresh flowers!

And a gigantic blueberry bush.

And a baby pool!

- How much is it?

- Don't worry about it.

- This is everything we have ever wanted.

It--it's like we're in the city but we're not in the city.

A suburban home but not in the suburbs.

- What is the asking price?

- See, that's the thing--

- What?

- They're very motivated.

- [scoffs] Cruel.

- [laughs]

I love New York!

Yeah!

- Why would you even show us this place?

We could never afford it.

- Oh, you can always make a bid.

- Yeah, I can always win Powerball.

- Jim, you live in a two-bedroom apartment with five children.

You're not an old lady who lives in a shoe.

It is time for an upgrade.

[phone vibrates]

- Please.

Hey, Stevie.

- Did you see last night's "Dancing With the Stars"?

- Barbecue. - No.

- Who knew Joe Biden could jitterbug?

- I--is this why you're calling me?

- No. Guess who wants to have a meeting with you?

- Who?

- No, I want you to guess.

- Uh, I don't want to guess.

Just tell me who.

- Come on.

- I don't know. A real agent?

- No, silly. I'm your agent.

You have a meeting with Will Ferrell.

- Will Ferrell?

- Yes, he wants to have a meeting with you

on Monday in LA.

- Monday? LA?

- Called to ask when you would be in LA next.

I know you have nothing so I said Monday.

- But--but I'm in New York.

W--what's the meeting about?

- Who knows? This is a big opportunity.

Pitch him something. A movie, a show.

- I--I can pitch him my weatherman sitcom.

- Or some other idea.

- You don't like the weatherman show?

- I love it. It's funny, right?

- Yeah, it's funny. It's a comedy.

You know, just email me the where and when

and I'll be there.

Thanks. Bye.

- Jim, we heard the whole thing.

Will Ferrell?

Jim, you're gonna meet with Will Ferrell?

Are you nervous? Don't be nervous.

Are you going to be funny?

- Oh, that's a good idea. You should try to be funny, Jim.

- Look, I'm just going to talk to him.

He's a comedian like me.

- He's not just a comedian. - No, no, no, no, no.

- He's like a movie star. He's like a comedy icon.

- Jim, okay, this is big.

You could finally give your wife and kids a good life.

Don't blow it, Jim.

- You know what? I loved "Anchorman."

I think he started Funny or Die.

- He's funny and he's rich,

so he's like the opposite of you, Jim.

- Just don't get nervous.

When you get nervous then you get that dot on your face.

- It's more like a splotch. - It's like a blister and--

- And it grows.

- And it gets bigger and bigger and then you're not funny.

- Would you two stop? I'm gonna be fine.

Why would I be nervous? I've got a great idea.

I'm gonna pitch him the weatherman sitcom.

Remember?

- Or something else.

[man beatboxing]

* *

- Hardwick. - Jim, hey. How's it going man?

You look great. What's going on?

- Got a meeting with Will Ferrell.

- Ooh.

- What? - Nothing.

I'm--I've heard some-- but I'm sure it's fine.

I'm sure he's fine.

You--you're not going to his office, are you?

You'll be fine. I'm sure it'll be fine.

I got to go.

We're developing "Walking Dead on Ice."

It's going to be great.

- Ice.? - I'll see you later.

* *

[flatulent creaking]

- That was the couch.

[chuckles] That wasn't me.

See? Watch this.

It didn't do it that time, but...

You lived in LA long?

[mouths words]

You're from Fort Worth?

Mexican food's great here, huh?

I don't bring that up because of the couch.

I--I love Mexican food.

Not just 'cause I'm Mexican.

- Mr. Ferrell will see you now.

- Thank God.

Oh. [couch creaks]

Couch.

* *

I'm not nervous.

[ominous music]

* *

[door slams, echoes]

- Who dare comes before the great Will Ferrell?

Be funny or die.

- This is Jim of House Gaffigan.

- Never heard of it.

- You stand before the great Will Ferrell,

King of the Elves, Ruler of Nights of Talledega,

Man of Anchors, Wielder of Blades of Glory.

Be funny or die.

- So what pitch do you bring to me, House of Fattigan?

- It's Gaffigan.

- Spit it out, fool.

- Oh, it's about this weatherman and he...

Is this your office?

It's--it's nice, but the weatherman,

he, um...

- I can't concentrate on a word you're saying

because of that giant splotch on your face.

It's repulsive.

- So, uh, uh, the weatherman moves to New York and he, uh...

- Not funny.

You die.

Off with his oversized head.

- No, no--

- Save his white, bulbous body for the hounds.

That's good meat.

- Uh, can we talk about this?

Uh, I guess I'm a little nervous.

- Interesting.

Sounds very appealing to me.

And, uh...

Hey, come in. Yeah, yeah.

Hold on one second. Hey, Jim?

Welcome. Just have a seat.

It'll take a second.

No, go ahead.

Donate all the money.

Yes. I had a good year.

Yeah, bye. Hey. Hey.

- Thanks for, uh, meeting with me.

- Oh, my gosh. Are you kidding me? Look.

I'm just gonna cut to the chase.

Um, I think you are so funny

and I want to do a show with you,

but what?

- Oh, wow, well, I do have an idea for a show.

It's about a weatherman from Indiana.

- Right.

- The guy--he's kind of a star

on the local morning show in Gary.

- Gary! Gary the weatherman.

- No, he's from Gary.

- Oh, oh, he's from Gary.

- Yeah. - And his name is Gary.

- His name is Jim but he's from Gary.

I would play him.

- Of course. Sorry.

Yes, love it. Yeah.

- Anyways, so he's kind of a star on this local show

in Gary, Indiana where they make the bathroom smell.

- Oh, I didn't know that.

- Well, that--that's a joke.

Gary, Indiana, it smells weird there.

- Oh, okay. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Got it. Yeah.

- So anyway, our weatherman gets hired

by this morning show in New York, right.

- Okay.

- And everyone in New York treats this guy from Indiana

like he's an uneducated farmhand.

They're like, "Hey, welcome to New York.

"This lamp thing's called electricity.

"You can use a chair.

You don't got to sit on the ground no more."

- I'm crazy about this idea. - Oh.

- Yeah, and I want to tell you something, Jim.

My dad was a weatherman.

- Well, that's--really?

- I mean, not professionally.

But he--he was really good at, you know,

sensing when it was gonna rain.

- That's a skill.

- Let's make this show. - Yeah, let's do it.

- I don't see any reason why this shouldn't be on television.

- Right? That's great.

- Will Ferrell liked your weatherman idea?

- He loved it.

- Really?

- Yeah. He was crazy about it.

- Outdoor space-crazy?

- Outdoor space-crazy.

- Oh, my gosh. Jim, my dream apartment.

- Will asked me to come in tomorrow

with five episode ideas.

- I've got ten.

Jim, we're so close to being able to have our own TV show.

- I know. - Oh, you know what?

Joseph is eating crayons again.

I got to go. I love you.

- Yeah. I love you too.

- Honey, what are you doing?

- [sighs]

[harp glissando]

Can't believe our show won all these Emmys.

- This is the greatest moment of my professional career.

[sultry saxophone music]

* *

[record scratch]

- Uh, I got to eat something.

[laughter]

So then the people in Chicago

don't know that northwest Indiana

is, like, ten minutes away.

- No. Oh!

- It's true.

- That's so good.

Jim, all these episodes are dynamite.

- Oh, thanks.

- You know who asked me about the show?

- Who? - Ron Howard.

- Wow.

- I said, "Back off. It's mine."

- That's amazing.

- All these episodes. Oh, spot on.

- Oh, thanks.

- Yeah, and we're definitely gonna make this show.

- Yeah? Great.

- But in the interim, I've got this other project

that I'm so excited about that I would--

I would love to get your help.

- Yeah, yeah, please. Whatever you need.

- You're not just saying that? - No.

Happy to help.

- Fantastic. Great.

I think you're going to love this.

This, my friend, is the future of comedy.

- [humming and chirping]

- How outrageous is that?

- Yeah, that's...yeah.

He...

- He's using the microphone.

- Yeah.

So you're producing the Dave Marks show on TV Land?

- I sure am. Yeah.

Jumped at the chance to do it.

This thing's gonna be epic.

It's just--it's just missing something

and I can't quite put a finger on it.

- Hmm. Humor?

- No, no. A foil, Jim.

- Okay. - A yang to Dave's yin.

- You mean like a bromance?

- Hmm?

Did you just make that up?

- No.

- That's brilliant. - Oh.

- Yeah. That's why we need your voice on the show.

- Yeah, yeah, well, what about my show?

- Jim, give me your hand.

- Um...

- We are making your weatherman show, okay?

- Mm-hmm.

- We're making it, okay?

- Okay. - Okay?

- Um...

- My bond is sacred, okay?

- Okay.

- Right? - Yeah.

- But for right now, I need your help on this show.

- Look, I want to help you.

I-I really do.

I just--I don't know if--if...

- If what?

Is this not something you want to do?

- No, I--I think you misinterpret--

I'm totally into doing it.

- You're into it? - Yeah.

- Oh. Great.

I thought there was a problem there for a second.

- Yeah, I was acting. - Oh!

- That I--I gotcha.

- Hook, like, and sinker.

- Why wouldn't I want to do it?

I know Dave and I--you know,

I think I could make a terrific contribution.

- This is gonna be great for both of us.

Really is. Bromance.

Gosh. So good.

Can I use that?

- Yeah, I think it's--

- Really? You're not gonna be weird?

- You've never heard that term? - No.

- So, wait, you're gonna work for Dave Marks

after he betrayed you?

- Not for, with.

- So the show is about you and Dave?

- No, it's Dave's show.

I would be a character on the show

and Will Ferrell really wants me involved in the writing.

[baby coos]

- But I thought John Mulaney was writing with Dave.

- He is writing, but Will wants me to write

and appear on the show.

Will thinks I'm funny.

- That's--I don't know, Jim.

- Jeannie, Will Ferrell's producing.

This is how he does it.

He still wants to do the weatherman show,

but he wants to do Dave's show first.

- It sounds pretty crazy to me.

- Yeah, outdoor space-crazy.

- Okay. You definitely have to do it.

- Can I have a bite of that? - Yeah.

- Move that all into the scene.

- Yeah, that one. Not the updated one.

Not the one with the preview.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Hey. I'm gonna get a-a water.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Look, I know things have been

kind of awkward between us,

but I--I'm sure we can make things work,

and for my part, I'm really thrilled.

I'm honored to have you be a part of this thing

and I'm really looking forward

to what you have to contribute, so.

- Thanks. I--that--that means a lot.

- Of course. Come on, man.

Come on. - Thanks.

- All right. - All's good?

- Yeah. All right. - Good.

Hey, Jim. - Hey.

- Welcome aboard. - Thanks.

- Let's get started, huh? - All righty.

- All right, Jim, you have notes?

- I have notes.

- You have notes. - I thought of some ideas.

- You got some ideas? What do you got?

- Well, you know, I was thinking about this.

- All right. - So Dave,

you're a single guy living with your mom in Jersey City, right?

I'm a married guy living in Manhattan

with my wife and five kids.

We're opposites, right?

But I was thinking of different stories.

Like, one would be-- remember the time

you crashed the kid's birthday party

I had to go to in Central Park?

- I don't know about a kid's show.

- Um, yeah, no.

- No? Okay. - No.

But I think there's something there.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Like, but maybe instead of any of that

and the kid's birthday party,

remember when we were at Sarah Silverman's birthday?

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

- And the waiter came out with the nachos.

- He did that thing with the thing.

- He did that thing and we were both immediately like--

both: "These ain't nachos."

[laughter]

- Oh, my God.

That was like, I laughed from my bowels just now.

- I love that laugh. - That's a good sign.

- I love to laugh. - Put that in. Put--

- What--what happened?

- You can say that there, and then my question is,

do you want that?

- Oh, my God, yes.

- You still like it? - I like it.

I like it more now. - I like that you like it.

- I like it more, yeah.

- I can't--if I can't see what you're writing down,

I can't really contribute.

- Can you just stop whining, please?

Okay, this is my shot, all right?

It's not "The Jim Gaffigan Show,"

you know, which I'm sure-- I'm sure would be fine.

Anyway, your character's the easy part.

It's the schlubby middle-aged bald guy

married to the smoking hot wife.

Meanwhile, we've got feelers out to Kelly Ripa.

- Kelly Ripa?

I mean, do you really think you're going

to be able to get her?

She has a talk show.

Why would she do a sitcom on TV Land?

- She would do it for Dave.

And we need an actress of that caliber

because this woman is so strong yet so vulnerable.

- Right, you know. - Right.

- Trapped in a loveless marriage to an outspoken anti-Semite.

- What? W--what was that last part?

- Well, I'm sure Will told you that your character's like,

the cranky curmudgeon, you know,

who's always yelling things like,

"Get off my lawn," and "Argh, those pesky Jews."

- I'm not saying anything anti-Semitic.

- Well, that's good. You don't have to.

The actor playing you will be saying the things

that are anti-Semitic.

- I'm not playing myself?

- No, it's not a reality show.

- Please.

- So, like, Jim Gaffigan doesn't play Jim Gaffigan,

and there'll be sets instead of real places.

- I know that.

- It's not like I need to be surrounded.

- Right, we get a real actor to do it,

and that way Dave has real actors to work with.

- I need real actors. - But I'm an actor.

- Yeah, I mean, as much as John and I appreciate

you working the Hertz commercial

we're going to need a little bit more than "My car," you know?

I mean, meanwhile we got an offer out to Louie, so.

- Louie CK has his own show.

- No, Louie Anderson. - Louie Anderson.

- And when he passes, John Goodman.

- John... John Goodman.

- Aren't those guys in their 60s?

- You seem 60. - Me?

No, I'm not--

- You're 59.

- I'm not even close to 59.

- You're a New York 50 but you're a Hollywood 60,

and all that means is that you look 60.

- Yeah.

- All right, look, I have other ideas here, so...

- You have ketchup on your face.

- That's not--that's my splotch.

- I'm sorry you're upset, honey.

I want to support you.

- If I work on Dave's show I'll be miserable

but if I don't, Will Ferrell will think I'm difficult.

- I think you'd rather be difficult than miserable.

- But if I'm difficult

then I don't get to do my weatherman show.

- Absolutely. So I say go with miserable.

- I can't believe you want me to be miserable.

- Okay, fine, then by all means, be difficult.

- I'm not difficult.

- Oh, you're definitely difficult.

You know, at least visually.

- Listen, I want this apartment really badly, it's true.

But I don't want you to be miserable.

So if you don't want to do the show, don't do it.

- Yeah, that way you can be difficult and selfish.

- You're not helping, Daniel.

- No, he's right.

I got to just suffer through this

and focus on my weatherman show

so that we can get the nice apartment.

- Really? We can?

- Yes.

In fact, tomorrow, I'm just gonna be super positive

in the Skype with Will.

- Skype? Can your head even fit on a computer screen?

- I can put makeup on your splotch.

- I don't need makeup.

- And then we were like...

both: "These ain't nachos."

[laughter]

- 'Cause they weren't.

They were, uh, I think they were pita chips.

Oh, my gosh. Such a fun party, so much fun.

Jim, do you, uh, do you know Sarah Silverman at all?

- Yeah, I know Sarah.

I just didn't know about the party.

- Oh, that's funny,

'cause she said she didn't know you.

Anyway, I like all these ideas a lot.

- Oh, great. Okay, terrific.

Well, thanks. Thanks so much.

- Hey, I love seeing the three of you

work as a team.

It's great for me.

The only thing is, something isn't quite popping

and I just want to make one small tweak.

And here's my thought. Hear me out.

Dave, instead of being a comedian,

what if you were a weatherman?

- Seriously?

- I love it. I love it.

- From Jersey City.

- Uh-uh, no, Idaho.

- Idaho. - Do--do you mean Indiana?

- Oh, even better.

Great idea, Jim.

And his name shall be Gary.

- Oh, yeah.

This fall, TV Land--

both: Gary the weatherman!

- Jim, is that ketchup on your face?

- It's my splotch.

[man beatboxing]

[man beatboxing]

* *

* *

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