All language subtitles for Last.Man.Standing.US.S08E21.1080p.WEB.x264-XLF

Oh, here's great news.

What, they cloned Peyton Manning?

No, better.

Well, actually, not better. Different.

Eve's coming home from the
Air Force Academy this weekend.

What?! That's great!
Well, it's been months.

What, uh... what are you guys gonna do?

I don't know. Whatever she
wants. It's her weekend.

All right, well, whatever
you're doing, count me in.

Batting cages, shooting... cages.

Cages.

Pretty sure they outlawed
shooting cages years ago.

All right, well, whatever. Whatever.

Look, I like our daughter, and
I want to spend time with her,

and that means spending time with you.

Thanks for making that
sound like a chore.

No, I'm just saying, she's
been daddy's little tomboy

since she was ten.

Do you remember when she was ten?

She used her tea set for
skeet shooting practice.

"Throw it up, Dad! Pull!"

Just-just warms my heart.

No, actually, that was my
tea set, and for a week,

I had to drink my tea
out of a bowl, like a cat.

Okay, how about this? How about this?

I do something with her, then
you do something with her.

No, she doesn't want
to do anything with me.

Oh, don't be ridiculous. She
loves doing stuff with you.

Like, like, um, you...

Um, you, um... hmm.

Oh, well, you have,
uh... Oh, boy, that's...

I keep... Okay.

What would be fun for us
to do with her together?

How about this?

How about... how about, uh,
Sunday Morning Breakfast Club?

- Great!
- Yeah.

- Why didn't I think of that?
- Yeah.

Because I don't know what that is.

Well, when you were on
the road with Outdoor Man,

I would make pancakes for the girls

with whatever special
ingredient they wanted...

chocolate chips,
marshmallows, sprinkles.

Wait. Whoa, whoa. So when I was gone,

you-you had cake for breakfast?

Well, yes, it's sweet,

and everybody loves it, just like you.

Everybody loves a compliment,
and that worked, so I'm in 100%.

- Okay.
- I will tell Eve

to get ready for her Breakfast Jamboree.

Mm-mm. Breakfast Club.

No. New law from California.

If you have sprinkles in
it, it's called a "jamboree".

- Hey, hey.
- Welcome home.

- Hey!
- Hello!

Oh. I like the salute.

I want all my daughters
to start doing that.

Force of habit. Cadets learn it's safest

to salute anything that
looks older and taller,

which, for me, is just everybody.

- Hey.
- Welcome home.

Thanks. I thought you'd be at work.

I'm the boss. I can do whatever I want.

- Oh.
- I got to be back in 23 minutes.

Mm. You know what?
You've been gone so long,

I just... I can't stop hugging you.

Yeah, that was kind of a problem
while you were driving.

All right, look, I'll put this away.

- I got it.
- Oh. Whoa!

Gosh, you've gotten so strong.

So, uh, what's the
plans for the weekend?

Mom wouldn't give me any details,

but she said it was something big.

So... bear hunting?

Better than bear hunting.
Get ready for this.

Sunday Breakfast Club.

Uh, is that a show on NPR or something?

NPR in this house?

You have been gone a while.

Well, well, what is it?

That Sunday Morning Breakfast Club thing

you did when I was on the road.

Pancakes, pajamas, sprinkles?

Oh, right. That had a name?

According to your mom, it did.

I do remember Mandy and
Kris ganging up on me

over what to watch.
Good luck with that now.

I've learned eight different
ways to snap a neck.

Lucky for you.

Mandy can't even snap her fingers.

It will be fun this weekend.

At least let your mom
think it's fun, okay?

Of course, Dad. You've
raised an excellent liar.

Okay.

Got your bag halfway down the hall.

Pilates just doesn't really
work the upper body, so...

I'll get it. I'll get it.

Dad just told me about Breakfast Club.

- Yay!
- Yay! I love it.

It's gonna be so much fun.

And if it isn't that much
fun, she's got a new tea set.

- Morning, everybody.
- Hey, Baxter. Hey.

- Eve get home okay?
- Mm-hmm.

- Did you tell her I said "hi"?
- Ah, shucks.

I forgot. I'll go back.

Look at that... our new busboy!

Oh, man. Listen... two things.

It's very hard work,
but... the hours are long.

Welcome aboard, Jen. Let me
know if you have any problems.

Well, somebody did eat my lunch
out of the break room fridge.

Uh, wait, what's that I hear?
Someone ate Jen's lunch?

Yeah, that's-that's the
full report so far, Ed.

Uh, attention, everyone, please.

It seems that in our midst is someone

who does not understand boundaries.

You see, Jen... the newest member
of our family...

brought a delicious meal of, um...

Yes, yes, that, that, and see,

someone got to it before she did.

On behalf of Outdoor Man, I apologize.

Thank you, Mr. Alzate.

And if it happens again,

I'll be eating one of you.

It'd be a bigger threat if
all your food wasn't soft.

So then the squirrel put his head inside

the bag of corn chips. But then,

when he pulled his head back up,

the bag was still on
it, like a little hat.

Oh, I wish I had it on video.

Yeah, I wish I could
get the last 20 minutes

of my life back.

Hey, uh, interrupting?

Yeah, and I love you for it.

Uh, so, Kris was telling me

about this whole Breakfast Club thing.

Oh, yeah. Mandy's so excited.

When I was growing up,
the breakfast club was just

the thing you got hit with
when your mom couldn't find

the lunch stick.

Anyway, uh, I wanted to let you know

that Kris won't be there.

Wait a minute, what do you
mean she can't be there?

Uh, her due date is next week,

and I just want her home in
a more controlled environment.

Says the perfect control freak.

How is that being controlling?

Second babies come faster, okay?

And I want Kris to be at our house,

where I've packed the
go-bag and a birthing plan,

and a detailed breakdown
of which doctors and nurses

work well together.

Look, Ryan, I totally get
it, and it's impressive

how you've got all the details
of this birth worked out

that raise no red flags whatsoever.

Okay, well, then I will
just explain to Vanessa

- why Kris can't come.
- No, no, no, come on. This is...

this is important that the
girls are there, all right?

If she goes into labor,
you know I'm gonna call you.

Look, I wasn't there the
first time Kris gave birth.

Okay? And I don't want to
take any chances this time.

So if you insist that she be there,

then I am coming, too.

Come on, Ryan, it's one night.

She's gonna be fine. Listen...

Kyle, tell Ryan he's being ridiculous.

All right, Mandy's pregnant,
too; should I be worried?

She's not due for seven months.

Ryan, tell Kyle he's being ridiculous.

Yeah, but if Kristin goes into labor,

maybe it'll make Mandy go into labor.

You know, what if having
a baby is like yawning?

It's contagious.

Yeah, yeah, I'd like to see
you ask any woman giving birth,

"Hey, is this like yawning?"

All right, if Ryan's going
to the Breakfast Club thing,

- then I'm going, too.
- Oh, I am definitely going.

Okay. Guess I have no choice.

All right. Oh, on your way out,

I want you to get under that couch.

I have a dinner bat I'd like to...

Okay, here's

how it goes, all right? You
got five minutes in the morning

to eat something and
say your hellos, right?

Then you got to go
downstairs or upstairs.

Common areas, off-limits.

You have never sounded
more like my mother.

Thanks for letting us do this.

I hope Vanessa wasn't too upset.

She took it pretty well.

- Hey, there she is.
- Hey, welcome back.

Whatever.

She, on the other hand, did not.

Maybe we should go talk to her.

No, I'll talk to her.
I'll be right back.

Eve. Totally unacceptable.

Tough. I'm really upset.

Keep your voice down, please.

It's not fair. I only
get one weekend here.

Yeah, I know, you wanted
to make a special weekend

with your sisters,

but...

come on, they're family.

Ryan and Kyle are great, but
they're just not my sisters.

Oh... Sorry, there's nothing I can do.

I just thought I could
have one day with them,

like we used to when we were kids.

I guess that was just a stupid dream.

I'm just a stupid kid
with a stupid dream!

You're not stupid.

I just feel like...

Sometimes I feel...

Cold?

Scared! Scared, scared.

Cold and scared.

Why don't Ryan and Kyle
want me to feel safe?

I don't think it's about safe.
I think they think this is love.

- Hey.
- Hey, I needed a minute.

Okay, Mike. Wow. Let's talk.

Yeah. We heard what
you guys were saying.

Damn it.

I told her to keep her voice down.

And yet, somehow she got louder.

I'm a Baxter. I always get louder.

We just didn't realize that
this was so important to you.

So we're gonna leave.

Cool. See you later.

Okay, Mike, you win this one.

But I am gonna be sleeping in my car

with the motor running, okay?

So call me if anything happens.

Cool. See you later.

Hey, you are brave.

Listen, how committed are
you to this Air Force thing?

You might try acting.

Well, the way I heard it,
the squirrel got his head

- stuck in a bag.
- Uh-huh.

- And when he sat up, it looked like a hat.
- Huh.

I heard it was a bear.

All right, how would a squirrel
get his head stuck in a bear?

No. Ed, I'm...

Oh, come on! It happened again?

- Oh...
- Yes. Look at me.

I can't afford to skip a meal.

Unbelievable. This is...
this is unbelievable.

Chuck, what are we
gonna do about this? Huh?

Surveillance cameras?
Poison booby traps? What?

I can put a sign on the fridge.

Excellent, do that. Don't worry.

- We're gonna put a stop to this madness.
- Yeah.

Well, I don't want
someone to get in trouble.

No, hey, it's too late for that.

- Ed's on the warpath.
- Yeah.

Good, because I do want someone

- to get in trouble.
- Oh, yes.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to go home and get more food.

What has two thumbs, is
super excited for a sleepover

and pees every five minutes?

This gal!

I can't wait till I pee
every five minutes.

I love being pregnant.

Oh! Good, you're back.

Did you get everything on the list?

- Yeah?
- Yes. Pancake mix, bacon, eggs,

assorted sugary toppings.

There was a six-year-old in line

that asked if he could
come live with us.

Hey, where are you going with that bag?

There's nothing in here
you need to know about.

You know what, this warms my heart.

Tomorrow, all my girls
are gonna be doing

the Sunday Morning Breakfast Club again.

Just like when I was a kid.

Except that I'm pregnant.

Just like when I was a kid.

Hey, why don't we watch
something we watched

when we were little, like,
um, The Princess Diaries.

- Mmm, uh, The Princess Bride.
- Yeah.

What about the Corpse Bride?

You know what? Just forget the bride.

Let's just watch something
with a corpse in it.

- No.
- Ew.

Sorry, Eve. Two to one.

Yeah, you lose again.
Just like the old days.

Yeah, the olden days. Terrible.

Country was divided. Nobody
trusted the president.

Good thing we fixed that.

Let's go get into our jammies.

- Ooh, yeah, mani-pedis. Ooh, oatmeal facials.
- Mmm.

Okay, this is where I head to the den

to watch action flicks.

- Oh.
- Okay.

Those have corpses in them. I'm in.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Hey, Mike.

Mike, Mike. Mike, hang
on a sec. Hang on a sec.

Uh, listen, I... I really appreciate

- everything you've done.
- Anything for you, honey.

Yeah, yeah. Well, uh,
really? Because there...

- there is one more thing I need you to do.
- Whatever you want.

Leave.

Like, forever?

You want me to leave. So,
where would you like me to go?

I don't know. Wherever you used to go

when I... when I did
this with the girls.

- Oh. You want me to go to Southeast Asia.
- No.

No. No, no, no, closer, you
know, in case there's a fire.

Um... Oh, you know what?

Uh, could you sleep in your truck?

So, what I'm getting, you...

you want me here as long
as I'm not here.

So, really, couldn't be clearer.

No, you know, I-I think I figured out

why I love these breakfasts so much.

The girls would gang up on Eve,

like-like they did just now, and then...

and then she would come hang with me.

You want them to pick on her?

No, no, no, it's not that I want that.

It's-it's just...

It's a good thing.

She doesn't need to be bullied
to want to hang out with you.

- She loves spending time with you.
- Yeah,

but unfortunately, she likes
spending time with you more.

- Guys.
- Let me try to explain...

No, Mandy, give me a second.
Just a second. Listen,

just because we have shared interests

- doesn't mean she likes me better than she likes you.
- No, no, no.

- Guys!
- No, Mandy, stop. No, look,

it just is something I feel,

- that-that this is...
- Uh, guys?

I think I'm in labor.

Why didn't you say something?

Honey, hey!

I'm gonna text Ryan.

Is there a birth emoji?

Mr. Alzate?

- Mr. Alzate?
- Yeah.

- I hate to tell you this.
- Yeah?

- Oh.
- Oh.

For the love of Satan's dinner.

Okay, I'm gonna make a new sign.

It's gonna be bigger and all caps.

"Eat your own food".

It's okay, Mr. Larabee.

- I'll handle this.
- Okay.

Hey, everybody!

Somebody ate my lunch. Again!

It was spot prawn fried rice

with shiitake mushrooms.

But one of you already knew that.

Okay.

Mm-hmm.

And I have a warning

- for whoever ate it.
- Hmm.

I added a little-known pepper

called làjiao.

Loosely translated,
it means "time bomb".

It's also known as "the widow-maker".

- Why would they call it that?
- Oh,

it's mild at first, but once digested,

you beg for death.

Oh, this is going to be fun.

I brought some Burmese ginger,

which is the only remedy.

So, come see me when you're in the most

excruciating pain of your
life, Mr. Sticky Fingers.

Or Karen.

I understand you're upset,
but you've crossed the line.

May I see you in my office, please? Hmm?

Okay, now, just, uh... all right.

Quick-quick, j-just give me the ginger.

Give me the ginger.

The ginger.

- You ate my lunch?
- Please.

I thought I could get
away with just one bite,

but then I had another
and another and ano...

It just made more sense just
to finish it. Please, just...

- Come on.
- You can't buy your own lunch?

Of course I can. I'm a very rich man.

I can fly to China and get
a lettuce cup if I want.

But there's something
about your cooking that's...

- It's just...
- Free?

Jen, please. Sorry.

Just give me the ginger, please.

You don't need it.

I lied about the pepper to catch you.

Boom!

You walked right into her trap.

Oh...

Holy...

I'm-I'm not proud of my behavior.

I sincerely apologize.

Mr. Alzate, if you like my food so much,

then I'll bring a little
extra for you tomorrow.

Oh, uh, I like Chinese food, too.

But I don't steal it.

Well, I will make some
more for you as well.

All right. That's great.

That's a good idea,
but just don't keep it

in the break room fridge.

You can't trust those jackals.

No way. Five bucks says they
do not announce that one.

I can always use five bucks.

Dr. Bleedin.

Dr. Izzie Bleedin, please
call the admitting office.

I knew this would happen.

I knew it would happen. I knew it.

He knew it.

Listen, everything is gonna be fine.

Vanessa and Mandy are
with her right now.

Yeah, and Dr. Leakin is on duty.

- Dr. Rufus Leakin.
- Yeah.

Hey, hey, he sounds British.

Ryan, go in there and get her.

You know, she's gonna be
fine, you're gonna be fine.

You're gonna be great.

Okay.

- Oh, hey.
- Hey.

- Uh, room three. Yeah.
- Okay. Thanks.

Well, how is she?

Great, great. It's
gonna be a while, though.

What's with you?

The sounds back there,

they... weren't human.

All right, uh, let's
get you some air, babe.

What have you done to me?
What have you done to me?!

I'm guessing this isn't how you wanted

to spend your time at home.

You probably wish you
were watching action movies

in the den with your dad.

Nonsense. She probably wishes
she was making pancakes

in the kitchen with you while some slob

- slept in his truck.
- No.

You know, they say it doesn't
matter where you are

when you're with family.

It just matters that you're with family.

They are wrong.

But that's what they say.

Yeah, and to a lot of other people,

I am they.

You know, actually, I
kind of wish we were at

that pottery place we used to go to.

Remember? Where we made those plates.

- I don't remember that. No.
- I don't remember that.

Yeah, that's right. We never did.

- Because I have terrible parents.
- Oh, stop.

Come on. Don't even joke like that.

We're great. We're great parents.

I've met your parents.
They're-they're terrific.

At least one of them is wonderful.

Yeah, they're okay.

You want to hear something cool
I learned in flight training?

Hmm. Mm-hmm.

Always fuel up that
plane before you take off.

If you're flying, and
one of your engines dies,

you can actually keep flying.

Oh, my God, that sounds terrifying.

Or kind of cool.

Oh, no, no, I certainly hope
that never happens to you.

Me, too. Because even though

you can keep flying with one engine...

it's way better with two.

Way better.

It's way better with two.

Mm.

Dr. McCracken.

Dr. Phil McCracken, please
call the admitting office.

Yes. Give me my five back.

Thank you.

Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man,

doing my Deadpool moment.

If you're seeing this,
it means I've launched

my Emergency Vlogcast System.

See. just because I'm not actually here

doesn't mean you should be
deprived of the best part

of your week.

So I keep a backup vlog
file organized by theme.

Small government.
Really small government.

And my personal favorite, no government.

Now that file's getting pretty big.

But today, I want to talk about velocity

and how fast animals grow.

Particularly the mammals
we call our kids.

They go from zero to grown up

in the blink of an eye, don't they?

From tricycle to
streamliner shooting across

the Bonneville Salt Flats.

Boom, they're gone.

One day you're putting on
their diapers on backwards,

the next day they're putting
on your diapers frontwards.

And as these mammals grow and
change, they tend to migrate

back and forth between
the parents, don't they?

My girls all started out
clutching their mom's

apron strings, till they
figured out my apron strings

were bourbon-flavored
barbecue sauce soaked in 'em.

Dee-lish!

Yeah, during the blur of
your kid growing up too fast,

one day you're the favorite,

next day your wife will
have the upper hand.

Now, the important thing to
remember is the day will come

when they take you both
entirely for granted.

Baxter out.