Original subtitles

[rushing air]

[bell ringing]

[orchestral music]

- Where's Kathryn?

- She's over there somewhere.

[orchestral music]

- What's this of, sweetie?

- That's you, mom.

This one's me, and that's a dad.

It's a normal family.

[orchestral music]

- We are a normal family, Kathryn.

A dad doesn't make a family normal.

- That's not what grandpa said.

- What did grandpa say to you, sweetie?

- He said that he was embarrassed of us.

He said that's why no one talks to me at school.

[orchestral music]

- The dad looks a little chubby, don't you think?

- He eats too much birthday cake.

[rap music]

♪ I think I'm doing what I'm supposed to do ♪

♪ Ha, ha, ha they was laughing at a genius. ♪

♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha

♪ Funny how my spaceship took off ♪

♪ And I blasted on them genius

♪ Perfect alignment for a star

♪ Used to tell me where I won't go ♪

♪ Now the same people love to brag on where I go, go ♪

♪ Shoot for the stars, but to Mars is where they won't go ♪

♪ Live for today and hope tomorrow where I'm going, word ♪

♪ Time to fly away

[orchestral music]

- Hey mom.

- Hi honey, how was work?

- It was pretty good.

Beth is still a raging bitch though.

She's awful.

- I know you ate my chocolates out of the break room.

Those are special from Amazon, bitch.

- How many times do I have to tell you

that I'm allergic to chocolate, Beth?

- I'm gonna tell Peter to fire you.

- Go ahead.

He doesn't even speak our language anyway.

[Peter speaking in a foreign language]

Tiger doesn't change its stripes.

- [Elizabeth] Well, how was writing class?

- It was good.

I'm writing some scenes, tossing around some ideas.

Not sure which one I wanna expand into a play yet though.

[singing]

- [Elizabeth] What'd you buy?

- A dress.

It's cute, right?

- Very.

You remembered to request a day off work

for our party, right?

- Yeah, I did.

- That dress you bought would look

really pretty on you, sweetie.

- [Kathryn] Thanks.

- So how's packing coming along?

- It's coming along, Todd.

Don't worry.

I'm almost out of your hair.

- Well instead of shopping, you should be packing.

- Okay, dinner's ready.

- [Kathryn] What'd you make?

- Meatloaf and mashed potatoes.

- Oh, I hate meatloaf.

No offense, mom, it looks like a big clump of shit.

- Do you want to eat it or not?

- Nope.

- [Todd] Kathryn, Kathryn!

- What?

- [Todd] Put the crackers away.

- I'm not a child, Todd.

I'll eat crackers if I want to.

- That's right you're not a child, Kathryn,

but you're acting like one having a tantrum.

- [Kathryn] Oooh.

- [Elizabeth] Please just stop.

- Elizabeth, I'm speaking.

Do not interrupt me when I'm speaking.

- Grow a backbone, mom.

- Kathryn, come back.

- I'm going upstairs.

I have work to do.

Don't bother me.

And make sure you fix yourself up for the party.

[piano music]

[orchestral music]

- Kathryn, please no smoking.

[orchestral music]

Kathryn, please no smoking.

- I was trying to pretend like I couldn't see you.

- Please.

[laughing]

- I was trying to hide in between the pillars.

How did you find me?

- I really like the Range Rover I have,

but the new Jag XJ is so beautiful.

- There's the guard gate right there,

the guy checks you in.

Just drive up, park your car.

- Yeah, I haven't seen her without a drink

in her hand either.

- [Man On Right] Or a cigarette. - Yeah.

- [Man On Right] I think she's got a drinking problem.

[orchestral music]

- I can see you.

- No, you can't.

- I'm standing right here.

- No, you can't.

You can't see me.

I'm a figment of your imagination.

- This has gotta be a Todd thing.

I mean really you'd think he could've given us

a nicer wine.

- [Todd] Who said you could invite faggots?

- Hi Elizabeth.

Could you point me in the direction of your bathroom?

- You know what my daughter's sitting right inside there,

and she can show you.

- I'm gonna head inside.

- So the guest bathroom where you are

to take a whizz is right through that door.

Knock yourself out.

[guest moaning]

- Oh wow.

Ick.

- Whoa, that is fucking sick.

- Ew, is there another bathroom I can use?

- You can use mine upstairs though if it were up to me,

you would just take a whizz on the front lawn.

I would love to see Todd's reaction to that.

- Who's Todd?

- My stepfather.

- Oh yeah, Elizabeth's husband?

- Uh huh.

- He seems like a bigot.

- Asshole.

- I feel sorry for her and you.

- Thank you, I appreciate your sympathy.

Let's go.

- Well we have a gorgeous home in Jackson Hole.

You really have to be there in order to revel

in its majesty.

- You know how our David just adores skiing.

He'd give you a run for you money, Todd.

- I'd bet he would, Cindy.

[Todd and guests laughing]

- Excuse me, there's a huge shit stuck in the toilet,

massive spiral-ish shape.

Someone, I bet my lovely stepsister Cassandra

ate too much food, shat it right out

of her ass into the toilet, tried to cover

it with TP and clogged it.

[Cassandra grunting]

I almost passed out from the smell.

- Well that is rather inappropriate.

- Very.

[Kathryn laughing]

- Kathryn!

- Whatever mom, their son is a total douche bag, okay.

[Cindy crying]

- Everybody knows.

[crying]

- [Elizabeth] You made her cry Kathryn.

- [Cindy's Husband] Only the attorneys know honey.

- I'm sorry.

- This one time I was at this party,

he tried to slip a roofie into my jungle juice,

but I caught him.

I swapped the drinks, and he ended up

in the ER freaking out.

That is such a turnoff by the way.

Mom, a guy who can't handle their own date rape drug.

Think about that and go figure.

- Okay, I've heard enough.

- Do you really care what those people think?

- No, but that doesn't excuse your behavior.

- Mom, the only thing that matters to them

is their 100K a year country club membership

so they can mingle with all the other vapid WASPs.

[buzzing]

Elizabeth. - Stop it.

- I'm a WASP, Elizabeth.

- Just go find a plumber in the Yellow Pages or something.

- The Yellow Pages?

Mom, what era are we living in here?

Prehistoric I guess, and I guess I missed

the dinosaurs scattered in the backyard.

- Look, I know you don't like these things,

but it is just for a couple hours, so just try, okay?

- Okay fine, I will try.

I will go in there.

I will get the Yellow Pages.

I will call the plumber, and then I will

refill my drink.

Refill the drink first, plumber second.

- Refill mine too.

- Okay, geez.

Somebody wants to get crunk.

[Cindy crying]

- [Cindy] He can't ski worth a damn.

[orchestral music]

- Yellow Pages, stupid.

[page ripping]

[orchestral music]

[Kathryn coughing]

[orchestral music]

[phone beeping]

[toilet flushing]

[phone ringing]

- O'Link plumbing, plunging since 1975.

- Hi, I got your postcard in the mail.

I have a little situation, and I need

my toilet fixed like immediately.

- Yeah, I can come out.

Address?

- 20 Rosewood in Lake Forest, hey.

- Lake Forest, classy.

The crapper must be coated in 24 karat gold.

- No, it's 14 karat.

Could you please just hurry?

- I'm on my way.

- Great.

Weirdo.

[orchestral music]

- Yeah, you're right.

I really need to check out the Bentley.

- Yeah, I need to test drive the Jag.

- Oh that blue one was so pretty.

- You guys want, ooh, do you guys want some cheese?

- No, thank you. - No, thank you.

- You sure?

- Positive.

Would you like a cracker with that?

Okay.

- Okay.

- Bye.

- Bye.

- Have fun.

- Thank you.

- How weird was that?

- Very.

- We should go out to the nightclub later.

- Let's go.

- Let's go right now.

- Okay, let's go.

- I'm gonna lose you.

- Hang on, I'm comin'.

[car horn honking]

- Plumber.

[car horn honking]

Plumber.

Plumbing.

[car horn honking]

[punk rock music]

[car horn honking]

- What is that?

- It's the plumber.

[punk rock music]

- Great.

- Awesome.

[orchestral music]

[door knocking]

- [Kathryn] Hey, you must be the plumber.

- Yeah, here to fix the john.

- Great, bathroom's over here.

It's over here.

Come in.

[giggling]

- Okay.

Someone dropped a deuce.

[Kathryn moaning]

- Smells like a hobo's used condom in here.

God, it smells like Ron Jeremy's taint.

- I would assume you've plunged

a number of toilets in your field.

- Actually I was referring to the toilet paper

covering the shit trying to hide the evidence.

I've been guilty of that a few times myself.

[laughing]

- Ah, I'm glad actually you could make it

on such short notice because I have been

letting people use my bathroom upstairs,

and you know what they say.

When someone gets the runs, it's like

a ripple effect, and I'm definitely not gonna clean,

so thank you, sir, for assisting me.

[Bob grunting]

- I knew I bought these jeans one size too small.

- They're two sizes too small.

- All right.

- Gotta be careful 'cause when you take

that ball outta there, it can make the toilet overflow.

- Yeah, everything's fine.

It's a pretty standard clog.

I'm just gonna give her a little plunge.

[water splashing] [Kathryn yelling]

- That shit almost splattered on my face.

- I'm so sorry.

I am so sorry.

I will fix this later.

- Whatever.

[water splashing] [Kathryn yelling]

- I got shit in my eye.

There's shit in my eye.

- Oh my God, are you okay?

- Yeah, I'll be fine just gotta get it out.

- I've had a few too many right now.

- I'm gonna look like freakin' Captain Hook

the rest of the day.

- That's disgusting.

Captain Hook, he has a patch.

- Okay, that was my face.

I hit my face on the wall.

- You don't know what you're doing,

don't know your name, your address, your own phone number.

Okay, I have an idea.

I have an idea.

It's a really good one. - I'll take care of this.

- I think it's in my drink.

Wait, the smell's, hold on one second I can't think.

[coughing]

I don't want it.

- Yep, I'm a professional.

Last try.

- How can I trust you wearing that t-shirt?

- Oh shit.

- [Kathryn] Oh no.

- Hold on.

- The shit is floating.

[metal clattering]

Ew, why are you sitting there?

[Bob muttering]

- Going for the gold.

- [Kathryn] Oh my God, I'm soaked.

- It was bronze.

It's a poo color.

- What the hell is wrong with you?

Now my dress is ruined.

- I'm really sorry about that.

I will pay for the dress.

- Fine, good, pay for it.

- I will.

How much was it?

- 195 bucks plus tax.

- $195?

- Yeah.

- It doesn't even look that good on you.

[Kathryn gasping]

- I mean I picture you more in earth tones.

- Kathryn, what's going on?

Is everything all right?

- No!

Everything is not all right, mom!

My dress is no longer a dress.

It's a piece of shit literally.

- I'm sorry about that. - And I am drenched

in toilet water, and you don't give a shit,

and I'm gonna cry.

- Oh my God, it's a mess.

- It's so embarrassing.

I will pay for the cost of the cleanup.

- What about my dress?

Why don't you pay for that too while you're at it, stupid?

- You know the more I look at the dress,

the more I think maybe a turd colored tie dye,

you could start a new trend.

- Ho, guess what, pal.

I could've plunged that fucking shitter better myself.

- I don't think you could.

- I do.

- I don't.

- I do. - I don't.

- I do. - Don't.

- I Do. - Don't.

- Do. - Don't.

- You know what this is childish.

You need to stop yourself.

- You need to check yourself before you wreck yourself,

- Whatever dude, I don't care about you.

- [Bob] girl.

- I don't care about you.

- I'm sorry, I know I keep staring at you,

[Kathryn burping] but you look so familiar to me.

I feel like I know you.

- Maybe, where you from?

- [Elizabeth] Winnetka.

- No, I'm from Mundelein.

- I have a headache.

- I must be thinking of someone else then.

Strange though.

[Bob and Elizabeth laughing]

- That's the funniest joke I ever heard in my life.

[Bob and Elizabeth laughing]

- [Bob] You're never ever going to forget it.

- Are you staying at this hotel?

- Lizzy right?

- Yes. - Lizzy.

- We met and did some other stuff in the late '80s.

- Ew.

- I want to go to your room.

- But you've had shots and drinks.

Maybe I could take you back to your home.

Where do you live?

- Come on, don't be a sissy.

- I think we're unlocked.

Surprise.

- Woo, we're home!

[Bob mumbling]

[Bob laughing] - [Bob] I just wanted to say--

- Stop talking. - Okay.

Oh this is, ahh!

[laughing]

[Elizabeth and Bob moaning]

- Yeah, I have a good memory.

I was thinking I should join Mensa.

That's for people who can remember a ton of shit.

- No, no, no Mensa's not for people

who can remember a ton of shit.

It's for smart people like me and not like you

because I am smart, and I am bright,

and I shine like the sun.

- My dad, he's a plumber.

- A plumber?

- A plumber, right.

[Elizabeth laughing]

- You're like the funniest person I've ever met

in my whole life.

- You're a liar.

[laughing]

- You're really cute.

- Now I know you're lying.

- No, I'm not.

[Bob laughing]

- I just took this.

- Where?

- There was a table over there, and I took it.

- You're going to spill it.

- Hi.

- Hey. - Oh my God.

- Take a picture, it'll last longer.

- Ew.

- Madonna's naughty.

- She is naughty.

So is that lady if you take a good look at her.

- Well can we just get - That's not my bedroom.

- to your room already?

- [Bob] I'm finding it.

Hold on, found it.

- Oh.

[Bob laughing]

[Bob snoring]

[Elizabeth yelling]

- Oh my God.

- [Bob] Don't tell on me.

I'll take the cat away.

- Oh my God, this is bad.

[Bob snoring]

- [Elizabeth] My stomach has been killing me all day.

I feel like an overstuffed pig.

- No shit.

You're pregnant.

- No.

I can't be.

- Yeah, you can be.

All it takes is a couple of thrusts.

- I'm scared to look.

No, no.

- Lizzy, I don't think we can be friends anymore.

- Great.

I think we need to have a little talk.

- Yeah, you're right.

I did drink the rest of the whiskey under the sink.

That was me.

- [Elizabeth] Yeah, not about that.

- What?

- Something wrong?

- Why do you look like so scared?

Mom?

Mom?

Mom?

Mom?

Mom, is there a glass of vodka for me under the sink?

- [Elizabeth] No, but I found that flask

in your purse.

- Oh okay, I'll go get it upstairs.

Why are you still here?

No.

No, you didn't look closely enough.

This is impossible.

I do not look one thing like him clearly.

Do I?

Oh my God, I do.

Ew.

Why didn't you ever tell me this?

Mom, I would've liked to have known this one night stand

story or whatever at some point I guess.

You never even told me.

Why?

Oh my God, you had unprotected sex with that guy.

Why?

Ew.

- It was the '80s.

I had a fake ID.

- Well mom, that fake ID was the worst mistake

you've ever made in your entire life,

and I am gonna go on the internet.

I'm gonna go on the internet when I get

out of this room, and I'm gonna go

and apply to be a guest on Maury Povich,

and Maury Povich is gonna decide who my father is.

- I'm really sorry.

I feel terrible.

I don't know what else to say.

You had no phone number for this guy,

and you didn't have his address ever at any point?

- I didn't.

- Great, perfect, now I feel like a total ass

for pushing him out of here the way that I did.

I look like a huge dick.

- Kathryn, at least take his number.

- Fine, this guy writes in chicken scratches too.

Does he live in a coop?

[bell ringing]

- [Announcer] Awesome.

Nice!

[electronic beeping]

Uh oh.

[phone beeping]

[phone ringing]

- O'Link Plumbing, plunging since 1975.

- Hi, is this Bob?

- No, this is Phil.

- Oh, is Bob there?

- [Phil] Let me check.

- Okay.

- Bob, Bob, Bob!

Hang on, I think he's taking a dump.

- Ew.

[door knocking]

- Hey you got diarrhea or something?

- [Bob] Yeah, I knew I should've eaten that corn beef hash.

[Phil laughing]

[Bob flatulating]

- Wow, you sound like my mother

after she had her colonoscopy.

- Did she have any polyps?

- Yeah, two in fact.

Oh man, it's too bad you missed it.

It was like a symphony.

- Hello, it's urgent.

- Oh yeah, hang on.

Yeah Bob, you got a phone call.

She says it's urgent.

- Well who is it?

And can you try sounding a little more professional?

- Ah yes, who may I say is calling?

- Kathryn.

- She says her name is Kathryn.

- Oh, okay.

I'm coming, I'm coming.

- He'll be with you shortly, Kathryn, as soon as he finishes

wiping his ass.

[toilet flushing]

- Hey.

- Hi.

- [Bob] What's up?

- Not much.

Listen Bob, I'm really sorry about what happened yesterday.

I didn't mean to push you out of my house like that.

I was just shit faced.

I was completely wasted.

I freaked out, and I needed a Xanax

the size of a horse tranquilizer,

and I didn't have one on hand.

So I'm sorry about that.

- I completely understand.

- Actually, can I ask you a favor?

- Sure, fire away.

- I know this is a little awkward and last minute,

but, um, I'm moving to an apartment

downtown next week, and well I was wondering

if maybe you would want to help me move.

I thought it would be a good way for us

to get to know one another in a weird

fucked up beyond belief sort of way.

- That's a great idea.

I'd love to help.

We can take my truck.

- You have a truck?

- Yeah, my plumbing truck.

It's great for packing.

Just tell me where to be.

- I can just meet you at my house if that's cool.

- Okay, see you then.

Gotta go, bye.

Phil, hold my calls.

Holy shart.

[flatulating]

- Why me?

- I'm surprised you finished packing.

You know Kathryn, I never would've pegged you

for a plumber's daughter, classy.

- Not in the fucking mood.

Be gone evil stepsister.

- Well you've certainly got a mouth like a plumber.

Oh, you two are already so alike, that's cute.

- Don't you have anything better to do, Cassandra,

like clog the toilet with some more explosive diarrhea?

- That wasn't me.

- Well I know for a fact that it was

because the poo fashioned itself into a C shape.

- Bitch.

- Whatever.

[window knocking]

- Hey. - Hey.

- You all packed and ready to go.

- Yeah, it's looking like we're ready to go.

- [Bob] Hi.

- Hey, Bill right?

- Bob.

- Whatever.

- [Bob] You look really nice, Lizzy.

- All right, it looks like everything's pretty copacetic.

So we're ready to go, and you can take

this box fist.

Be careful, it's very fragile.

- [Bob] You're the boss.

- Is that your truck behind my car?

- Yeah.

- Move it.

- Careful.

Holy hell, look at this guy.

I don't know if I should be doing this, mom.

I don't even know him, and he looks

like a total weirdo.

- [Elizabeth] This is gonna be good.

It's healthy.

The move'll be a great time for bonding.

- [Kathryn] It's a disaster.

- Look how eager and happy he is to help.

- Eager?

He looks like a total freak.

How am I gonna get into a car with this guy?

How did you let that guy get into your pants?

Damn.

[glass shattering]

He just broke my lamp.

It was wedged in my shoebox.

This is worse than it was before.

[car horns honking]

- [Bob] Actually, do you mind if I bum one of those?

- Oh, you smoke too?

- You know once a day, doctor's orders.

Speeds up the metabolism, helps you lose weight.

- Helps you lose weight.

Success.

Do you drink?

- Hard liquor or beer?

- [Kathryn] Both?

- Yes and yes.

Yeah, cool.

Drinking buddies.

- That's not a bad idea actually.

Pretty good idea.

- [Bob] Yeah.

- Yeah.

- [Bob] All right.

- It's a start.

- Good times.

You know where we're goin' right?

- Yeah totally.

This is a super easy route, and it's super direct.

We're gonna be there in like five minutes.

It'd take a total idiot to get lost on this highway.

- Great, well I'm following your directions,

so if we get lost, it's your fault.

- I've got a great sense of direction.

- [Bob] Perfect.

- [Kathryn] I studied maps.

- Nice.

- It's in my genes.

- [Bob] Awesome.

- Don't open that box in between us.

- [Bob] Kind of encroaching, I might have to.

- You open it, it's like Pandora's Box.

- [Bob] Yeah?

- You're fucked.

- Wow, really?

- [Kathryn] Yeah.

- Okay.

Awesome.

- I'm just warning you.

You're not in Kansas anymore.

What did that sign just say?

- Fucked if I know.

- Well we didn't miss a turn, we're fine.

- I'm sure we're fine. - Yeah, we're fine.

- We haven't even been driving that long.

- Yeah, we're fine.

It's gonna pop up in a few minutes here.

- Yeah. - Yeah, we're fine.

- Any minute now.

- Yeah, you can't miss this exit.

- [Bob] I'll follow your lead then.

- It's like super obvious.

It's kinda bumpy, potholes everywhere.

Where are we?

This is a bad neighborhood.

This is like not good at all.

Did you have to leave all your plumbing shit

in the trunk?

- I'm sorry. - I'm being poked.

- You said it was okay.

You are so unpleasant.

- Oh, I'm unpleasant.

Oh, okay, guess what, Bob.

If I were a prison thug and I had a shank,

I would stab you.

And I know exactly where it would go

right in the gut. - I would welcome it.

That would be awesome.

You have a lot of layers to get through though, so did hard.

- [Kathryn] I'm like Buffy, the vampire slayer.

- You stab me in my stomach, how is

that like Buffy, the vampire slayer?

- Buffy, the vampire slayer, stabs people with shanks

wherever she pleases, and that's how they disintegrate

into thin air.

I've seen that show several times.

- Well I don't think you paid much attention to it

'cause you have to aim for the heart.

- This map looks like a fuckin' maze.

- What are you doing reading a map?

Are you 90?

Don't you have a GPS thing on your phone?

- I'm 90?

Nice flip phone, grandpa.

- Hey I used to have an iPhone, but I couldn't

figure out how to work it, so I broke that thing,

and I collected the insurance money.

Where do you want me to go?

- I don't care.

I don't care.

I cannot see, okay?

- I'm pulling over.

- I need to put my nose up to it.

- I'm pulling over.

- If I put my nose up to it, I can probably figure out

which way north is because you are of no help.

[Bob laughing]

Why are you laughing?

- Oh because otherwise, I'm going to kill you in the face.

- [Kathryn] Seriously this map is useless.

Just pull over.

- Fine.

- Fine.

[police siren blaring]

- Hey home boy.

Hey, roll down your window.

- Oh my God, ignore them.

Ignore them.

- [Bob] Maybe if we say hi, they'll stop talking.

- Roll down the window.

- Can I help you?

- You know what they say about outsiders?

If you want to come in, you gotta pay the toll.

- Oh yeah, tolls.

I hate tolls.

Illinois has really high tolls.

- No, no, the toll, our toll.

Hey give me your money now.

- I don't have any.

- Oh yeah, you better find some quick.

- [Kathryn] Oh my God, it's the shank I wanted.

- [Bob] Be careful what you wish for.

- I don't wanna die.

[thug laughing]

- Hey y'all look at this fool on the side of the truck.

[thugs laughing]

Hey that's nasty, man.

What you is doing swimming in shit?

- Oh I say that.

I said that too.

- What you doing with this fool?

He kidnap you or somethin'?

- No, but he may was well have.

He's my biological father, okay?

I found out last week.

Can you imagine that?

Just imagine the psychological torment.

- That's just embarrassing.

- I know.

It was the worst day of my life.

- I can't do this to you, girl.

You know I just can't.

You got problems.

- No, you got a lot of problems, damn.

- That's terrible.

- For real.

- It's kind of like a tragedy.

- Hey look, I'm gonna pay y'all toll today.

I'm Deshawn.

Anytime y'all in this neighborhood again,

tell them Deshawn said you ain't gotta pay,

and they ain't gonna stab or shoot you or nothin',

all right?

- Oh thank you so much.

I was so nice to meet you guys.

- Thanks guys.

- Hey get outta here, man.

Bye beautiful.

- Bye, love you.

- Be gone, yo.

- Nice kids.

♪ Damn, she know she bad ♪ She know she bad ♪

♪ She know she feel

♪ When she around them other girls ♪

♪ They hit no shit

♪ Well I be him

♪ No IBMs

♪ Touch the phone, now I is on

♪ Front row seats, we in the van ♪

♪ And when they see her pinks

♪ Niggas like hey who that is

♪ Antique denims on her ass

♪ Purse look like some other shit ♪

♪ She ain't gotta bling

♪ I'ma cover everything

♪ Now hit the club and watch them niggas sing ♪

♪ Let me buy you a drink

♪ It ain't hard to see that I got money in the bank ♪

♪ It's nothing to a G

- This is it.

- This is kind of a shit hole.

- Thank you so much for your unwanted opinion.

I just hope this guy I met on Craigslist

isn't a total lunatic.

I probably shoulda like met him beforehand, huh?

- That would've been wise.

- Shit.

[door knocking]

[Raymundo speaking in a foreign language]

Hi.

I'm Kathryn, your roommate.

- Oh my God, yes.

Come in darling.

- [Kathryn] What did you say your name was again?

- Raymundo.

- You're Latin?

- Yeah girl, I'm half Mexican and I look it.

And you are?

- Hi, I'm Bob.

Doing that thing, okay.

- Raymundo, what do you do?

- Well, I'm working retail right now,

but my real dream it to become a Latin American pop star.

You know like Thalia?

What about you?

What do you do?

- Right now, I'm actually answering the phone

at a hair salon, but my real dream

is to become a playwright.

[Raymundo speaking in a foreign language]

- So are you two related, dating?

- No, not dating, gross.

- I'm her...

I'm her father if we're being literal about...

- Well you say that like it's a problem.

- My mom had a one night stand with Bob here.

So we were having this party, and my stepsister Cassandra,

she's very evil.

She took a huge shit in the toilet,

and it got plugged.

- Ew.

- I know.

And we had to call a plumber.

Then it turns out.

- No.

- Yep, ended up being my sperm donor.

- Bet you never heard a story like that before.

- I watch Maury everyday.

You should hear my baby daddy stories.

Well cheers.

- Hello Raymundo, the party is here.

Where is your new roommate?

- Hi, I'm Kathryn.

- Gustav Hammerstein, pleasure.

- That is an interesting accent.

Where are you from?

- Brogosteinolinominololand.

- What the hell is that?

- Gustav fell on his head when he was a child,

and he damaged his cerebral cortex.

It must be another one of his episodes.

Just play along.

- How long does an episode last?

- Girl, ain't no tellin'.

- Oh, my neck still hurts.

Moving, truck clean, these are three words

that should go together in the English language.

- Do not worry, Kathryn, I shall make you a scarfykit.

- What is a scarfykit?

No.

- [Gustav] Sleep, sleep.

- [Kathryn] I can't breathe.

- Yes, shush, sleep. - Get off me.

I don't want it. - Sleep.

- [Kathryn] I don't want it.

- [Gustav] A person with no neck pain.

♪ We be hitting the town to bypass relationships ♪

♪ Hottie ain't amount to shit.

[Rap music]

- I don't think wearing this is gonna make

me feel any better.

Gustav, you can have your scarf back, okay?

I'm just gonna take it off.

- You do not appreciate the scarfykit?

Blasphemy.

- Not really, I look like a fucking idiot and an asshole.

I look stupid.

- I think it looks cute, don't you Bob?

- No, she looks like a fucking asshole.

- Ow, fuck!

- [Raymundo] Have a drink, and you won't feel

the pain anymore.

- Point taken.

[Raymundo speaking in a foreign language]

- Don't look at him.

[Erasmo speaking in a foreign language]

- [Kathryn] Who is that?

- Erasmo Fastino Declementino, my ex, huge bitch.

- [Kathryn] That is a long name.

- I know.

- I see you Raymundo.

I knew it was you.

Don't fuckin' ignore me!

Don't pretend you don't know me.

I know all about you cheating on me with Dagoberto, slut.

- You know that's a lie.

- That's not Esteban Armando Julio de la Huerta said.

- What's his problem?

- Excuse me, honey, I'm not talking to you.

What the fuck is on your neck?

- A scarf, I don't know.

I tried to take it off.

- Oh my God, girl, you look like fashion roadkill.

- I know that's what I said.

It's horrible.

- Don't talk to her, Erasmo.

She's my friend.

- Ungrateful [speaking in a foreign language].

- Oh that really hurts coming from an unemployed

personal trainer.

- Hey move, you asshole!

[car horn honking]

Get your ass moving, buddy.

You're on a fuckin' one way street.

- Hey, do not make me get out of this car,

or I will pop you in the face.

- Yeah, come and pop be, big talker.

- Bitch, I will come find you, and I will fuck you in half.

- Fucking idiot.

[car horn honking]

- Hey, I'm John.

You guys want some wine?

- [Bob] Yes.

- Okay.

This is jumbo size.

There's plenty to share.

Hey, are you guys going to JJ's party?

- JJ is having a fucking party?

- Yeah, I thought you all were invited.

- John, get your gringo ass back in the car!

- All right, all right, keep your pants on.

[car horn honking]

- Come on!

♪ Check my swagger, I let her go tippy-toe ♪

♪ Like she don't even matter

♪ Tonight man

♪ What

♪ Is already data

♪ Your main shopping

♪ Why

♪ Is already bagged up.

♪ This ain't your ordinary straggler ♪

♪ She bad ♪ She my friend with benefits ♪

♪ We gonna nasty

♪ We be hitting the town to bypass relationships ♪

♪ Hottie ain't amount to shush she ask me ♪

- That bitch JJ thinks he can have a party

and not invite me?

Honey, I am the party.

- I don't know how comfortable I feel showing up here.

- Just give me five minutes.

- But I'm scared.

- Oh don't be scared.

[knocker knocking]

♪ Stop it, girl, you know what we came for ♪

- What the fuck are you doing here?

- Your friend John told me that your ass

is having a fucking party.

How dare you not invite me?

- [JJ] John!

- Cheers, no.

- Why would I have you here after you had

that freak Gustav over here?

He blew chunks all over my Persian rug.

And who the fuck is this that you have with you?

What is that on your neck?

- It's a scarfykit.

- Well you look like a fucking idiot turtle, bitch.

- You look like a fucking idiot giraffe

with your long ass neck.

- Ow God, does anybody back there

have any painkillers that you can lend me?

- I do. Girl, I got you, come on.

- Me too.

- Me three.

- I knew the gays had pills.

- And where the fuck do you think you're going?

- Get the hell away from me.

- Oh you're gonna get all Real Housewives on me now?

- Who gon check me, boo.

Bye.

- Fine.

- Well there is something I have to tell you.

- JJ, oh, [speaking in a foreign language] JJ.

I love your plaster cement walls.

They remind me of my home country.

[rap music]

- Do you know what those are?

- Acetaminophen.

- No.

- Bitch.

- Where does JJ keep his teacups?

I need to sip my vodka.

- You sip your vodka from a teacup?

- So hey if you were gonna name the gang

that tried to mug us, what would you call 'em?

- I'm not into gang violence.

So actually I would call them nothing.

- The Carl Winslow clan.

[Raymundo laughing]

- The Hammersteins did not have television in Estonia.

[phone ringing]

- Are you sure he's not gay?

- Yes, I'm sure he's not gay.

- Well he's cute and funny.

- Cute?

Actually I think he likes my mom.

- We're at a party with Kathryn's roommate.

We're...

- You cut that shit straight down the middle.

I don't want to get gipped.

- No gipping.

- [Phil] I said friggin'.

I don't use that kind of language, mom.

- [Kathryn] Latino?

- No honey, it's Lah-tino.

- I love you, Kathryn.

- I love you so much.

- Okay.

- You smell like roses and petal deodorant.

- [Kathryn] Where did you get these again?

- [Party Guest] My dealer.

- [Gustav] Robert, vodka shots.

- Cheers.

[rap music]

[slurping vodka]

[Kathryn coughing]

- This is not vodka.

- That's nice there. ♪ I'm shot down, please ♪

Read, hunty

♪ Keep your brim straight unless you good like Davy. ♪

♪ You can stand in a wicked

[rap music]

[vomiting]

- [JJ] My Rug.

That bitch is so basic.

[rap music]

- Life is beautiful.

Bob.

Bob?

Bob!

- What's all the yelling about?

- I don't know.

I was trying to shake him awake or something.

- Oh, we were so wasted.

We went up and down the hallways at three a.m.

offering to plunge toilets.

- Why?

- [Raymundo] Hello, because he's a plumber.

- Any takers?

- Some old guy on the third floor.

I think we tried to flush an adult diaper,

but girl, I'm not sure.

- You are an embarrassment to society.

- Hey morning.

Would you like to go grab a sausage biscuit?

- No.

- I would.

- Have you ever heard of Weight Watcher's

Points Plus system?

You're gonna have to start using it.

- Ah, you made me burn my hair, bitch.

- Bye.

- [Raymundo] Bye.

- [Kathryn] Is that the last one?

- This is it.

- Oh, you know I think I can take it from here.

- Okay well aside from our run in

with the Carl Winslow Clan, I had a really good time.

[laughing]

Look I know this is totally awkward for both of us,

and I don't want you to feel uncomfortable,

but I would really like it if we could keep in touch.

I think we should even if it's just to hang out

as friends or something.

- Yeah, okay we can try.

- Okay.

- Thank you, Bob.

Nice to meet you.

- You too, Ray.

- You know what I gotta go get organized so--

- Yeah, okay, well.

[giggling]

- Buckle up for safety.

- Thanks.

I'll see you guys.

- Bye.

- Yeah I said two Boston creams, not three.

All right.

- Hi, we live here.

Is it safe to go back inside?

- Yeah, you're good.

Some old dude living on the third floor

said two drunk idiots came into his apartment

late last night unarmed, forcefully pulled

his adult diaper off him and tried

to flush it down the toilet.

He can't paint a physical description

of the perps 'cause he's 90% blind.

What kind of sick fucks would do such a thing?

- I don't know sounds terrible.

- Yeah, it is.

Nice pants.

- [Radio Dispatcher] Officer Keenan, niner, niner.

- [Tony] Tony, it's a homicide.

I don't care what you're talking about.

- We're gonna get arrested.

- Honey, look at me, I won't last.

- You won't last five minutes.

Hurry up and go inside before they arrest you.

- I can't believe Kathryn and Bob were

almost mugged last night.

I was so worried I didn't sleep a wink.

- [Todd] I slept great.

- Well I spoke to Kathryn this morning,

and she said she had a great idea for a new play.

She wouldn't tell me what it's about,

but she got inspired so that's good to hear.

- Great.

- She got this great Latin roommate.

He sounds like a lot of fun. I can't wait to meet him.

- You know my breakfast is getting cold.

Can I have a fork?

- One for me too, Elizabeth.

- Could you be any less interested in what I'm saying?

- You know I have to be at work in an hour.

You know how I like to read the newspaper in the morning.

Was now the best time to regale me with stories

of Kathryn, the gay Latino roommate, and the plumber?

It sounds like a bad soap opera to me,

and I'd like to change the channel permanently.

[Cassandra laughing]

- Get your own fork.

- Elizabeth, come back here.

- [Cassandra] Drama queen.

[Todd and Cassandra laughing]

- Do you wanna smoke?

I brought the good stuff from Armando.

- Kathryn, we're going to the museum.

They have requested my original sketch.

- What original sketch?

- Hello, Gustave Caillebotte.

You can be so brain dead.

- Do you want to come?

- I can't.

I'm in the middle of this scene right now,

and I have so many ideas, and I don't want to forget them.

I tend to lose my train of thought all the time.

- What is your play about?

- I can't tell you until I'm done. That's bad luck.

- Are you sure you don't want to come?

I wanna do some roomie bonding.

- I promise we will just not today.

Right now, I need silence, so move along you too.

- Diva.

- Fine by me.

[fingers snapping]

- Bye girl.

- [Raymundo] Bye.

[phone ringing]

[rap music]

- [Kathryn] Hey it's Kathryn.

Leave a message.

[woman muttering]

- Bob, I poured bleach down this crazy woman's drain

to kill some maggots and burned holes in the pipe.

Bitch is on the line, real pissed.

I know, I know, I know.

Phil, you're lazy.

Phil, you're an idiot.

Phil, you're fat.

Okay, I get it, all right?

Just don't fire me, okay?

- [Customer] Bitch, I want to get--

- Hi this is Bob.

- [Woman] And put them in my pocket.

I'm gonna get on the phone right now

and stop wasting my time talking

to your fat slob self.

I'm gonna report you to the big guys

in the state of Illinois.

♪ Candy, candy, sugar and spice ♪

♪ Makes a good girl bad and makes a bad girl nice. ♪

- Honey, we are so fierce.

Look at how many people are jealous of us.

- Where am I looking?

- All around us.

- I only see babies.

- I know, haters are like invisible to me now.

- Oh, that's smart.

- I thought so.

[rock music]

- [Kathryn] Hey it's Kathryn.

Leave a message.

[phone beeping]

- Hey there.

What you workin' on?

- Um, it's a play I wrote.

- Oh, well let me know if you want

any stories about Chicago PD.

I got 'em.

For example, you may say why Officer Keenan

are you wearing a bulletproof vest?

'Cause I got shot in the head four times that's why.

- Have a nice day.

- You too.

- [Phil] So did you get in touch with her yet?

- [Bob] Nothing yet.

- Maybe it's because she finds you annoying and revolting.

- What the hell, man?

I thought you were my friend.

- Look man, you're just like me.

You're not that bright.

You don't wash your clothes.

You smell like a backed up toilet 90% of the time.

No kid is gonna find it exciting that they're half you.

Look at me, man, my kids fuckin' hate me.

They're calling me a slob, punching me in the gut everyday.

In fact, check this out.

I have mini hand prints branded into my stomach.

I can prove this.

Here I'll show you.

- No.

This is real encouraging.

- Look, obviously this kid just isn't

into the whole burpin', fartin', dumb ass dad thing.

Do yourself a favor, all right, take a shower.

Go buy some clothes.

Stop acting like an ignorant fool,

so she's not so disgusted by the sight of ya.

- This coming from you?

- Do you want my advice or not?

- If your kids hate you so much,

why don't you take your advice?

[Phil laughing]

- I'm not gonna change my filthy ways

for those little shits.

Where the hell are my donuts?

[phone beeping]

[rap music]

♪ Oh now my crib got a vista view ♪

♪ Had to take my art to a whole 'nother institute ♪

[door knocking]

♪ Oh my city really into groups ♪

♪ But we don't group together

♪ That's just how we do.

- [Kathryn] Mom, hey.

- Hi.

- You drove all the way here?

- Housewarming surprise.

- [Kathryn] What's with the doggie?

- I got her at the puppy store.

I thought she could keep you company.

- Come in.

- Thanks.

- For sure.

You look stressed.

Do you want a swig of my wine or something?

- What time is it?

- Eh, who cares?

I got it for like two bucks.

Hopefully, it doesn't taste like mud.

- I'm sure it's fine.

- Okay, what's wrong?

- Nothing.

- Come on mom, what is it?

- You sure you don't want to move back home?

I worry about you being here all by yourself.

- I'm not by myself, mom.

Ray's here.

- Well how's stuff with Bob?

Have you talked to him yet?

- No.

I don't even know how to talk to him.

The whole dynamic is just weird.

He keeps calling me and texting me.

I haven't gotten back to him or anything.

- Sorry.

- I know.

- It's lonely at home without you.

- Is this about Todd being snide again?

Shocker.

- [Elizabeth] Well I don't know.

You're my buddy, Kathryn.

I miss my buddy.

- Well you can sleep over anytime you want.

There's a floral couch in there with your name

written all over it.

- Great, thank you.

- You do realize though the dog has to be sent away.

Sorry puppy.

[funky music]

[bell ringing]

- Hi, do you have an appointment?

- No, I was hoping you could just fit us in.

First date.

- Dad stop.

- Um, we are booked out for the next 20 minutes,

but if you can wait, we'd be happy to take you.

- Dad seriously, I'm not 10 anymore.

- Please tell me they grow out of it.

- Grow out of what?

- [Dad] The whole kids not wanting

to hang out with their dad thing.

Are we really that lame?

- I don't know if I'm the best person

to be asking that question to.

- Why?

Please don't tell me you never grew out of it.

- Well, I didn't really have a dad growing up.

- Oh I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to pry.

- No, it's fine.

I'm fine.

- [Dad] Well I'm sure you're a lovely

young woman regardless.

- Thanks.

- Can I get my nails done too?

- I'm always a sucker for my kids.

[funky music]

- [Woman On TV] Thank you Miss Gina La La Ladonia.

[phone buzzing]

- Hello roomie.

- Hey where are you?

- I'm doing sit ups.

I'm trying to get fit now.

- Oh, I'm assuming you're trying

to impress Erasmo Faustino de Cupertino or whatever.

You like him.

You like him, Raymundo, and you pretend you don't like him.

- No.

I'm gonna go out for a smoke break.

10 crunches is a good start, right?

- Not really.

- Getting up off the couch made it 11.

So what's going on, roomie?

What's the problem?

- Raymundo, what's your take on this whole Bob situation?

- Kathryn, you are so stubborn.

Bob is doing the best he can to get to know you,

keeps calling and texting, and you're not even responding

like a total diva bitch.

You're like Christina Aguilera except not obese.

- I just don't want him trying to get all close to me

as if we know one another or something.

- Trust me it is better to have

a father come into your life now than never.

And I would know.

My father ran away from me the first time

I put on acrylic nails and a pink feather boa.

Bob seems like a really nice guy.

You need to give him a chance.

You have nothing to lose.

- Yeah, I guess.

- Kathryn, do you think Erasmo is over me?

- I don't know, Raymundo.

Why don't you call him?

Have a little courage.

- [Raymundo] I can't.

Our love is forbidden.

- Why?

- There are forces out there trying to keep us apart.

It's like Twilight.

- Raymundo, have you been dipping your hand

into the margarita bin lately?

- Maybe that's why I'm so dizzy.

- That's probably it.

- Peter told me he's firing you,

so you should probably just quit while you're ahead.

- I'm not quitting, and he's not firing me, Beth.

- Whatever.

He's got his eye on you.

We all do.

We're ready to trim the fat in this joint.

- Who's we all?

You know what happened the last time

you tried to find an employee?

It didn't work out.

You can go away now.

I'm writing something.

Can you see that I'm busy?

[bell ringing]

[phone ringing]

- [Bob] Hello?

- Hey Bob, it's Kathryn.

- Hey, um look, I'd really like to come see you.

- Yeah, I guess that would be fine.

- [Bob] Awesome, would Friday be okay?

Maybe we could meet for dinner.

- Actually my mom was coming down on Friday for dinner.

- Really?

You know I would really love to join you guys.

I mean do you want me to come later?

Would that be weird?

- No, it's fine.

She's finally escaping Todd's vicious clutches

for a few hours.

Thank God for small miracles, you know?

- Well I would really like to hang out

with you guys or whatever.

- Yeah, that would be fine.

- Awesome.

Actually, I would like to talk to you

like one on one sometime.

- This isn't gonna get too deep, is it?

Look I know you're my biological father.

You would've loved me if you would've known about me.

I hope you're not too fucked up from it, blah, blah, blah.

Honestly, I'm okay with it.

I'm fine.

- Actually I just wanted to drop off a gift I got for you.

- What like a housewarming present?

- Yeah, something like that.

- Wow, looking like a gentleman, not a scumbag

for the first time in your life.

Congratulations.

- Hey.

Good to see you.

- You too.

Place is shaping up nicely.

Oh, my sombrero.

So where's Ray?

- He's out with Gustav actually.

Nice shirt.

- Thanks, yeah I went shopping.

So what's going on with you?

- Same old, same old.

- What's that?

- Nothing.

- What is it?

- It's nothing.

- Oh come on, what is it?

- It's a play.

- Oh wow, your play, cool.

- Yeah but who knows if I'll ever completely finish it.

I've never been very confident or diligent I guess.

- Well you should be confident.

You're funny, you're smart, and I'm sure

once you get into something you're diligent.

- It's like kind of like nothing ever sticks with me.

The second I find something I'm good at,

the screw up follows in suit.

- Don't worry about screwing things up once in awhile.

Life turns out the way it's supposed

to in the end anyway.

- Do you honestly believe that?

- I do.

- Anyway, how's everything else?

How's business?

No more overflow disasters?

- No, no more overflows.

But speaking of that, I brought you something.

- It's pink.

- Yes, it is.

Open it.

- Okay.

Wow.

Bob, you didn't have to.

It's too much.

It's even more than the one I was wearing at the time.

- Don't worry about that.

I wanted to.

I tried to get one that looked like the one

you had before, but the sales lady

said it was out of season.

Whatever that means.

I hope you like it anyway.

- Truthfully, I do.

- You know I've never been in a store like that before.

I was almost afraid to touch anything.

They probably through I was weird.

- I'm sure they didn't.

Anyway, so about Friday, my mom and Ray and I

were planning to go our around seven.

- Okay.

Oh hey, how 'bout we make Friday my treat?

I'll pick out the restaurant and everything.

You don't have to bring anything, just yourselves.

- Okay, just tell me where to be.

- Great.

Well it's getting late.

I should probably head out.

I've got a lot of service calls tomorrow.

Last ones in LF oddly enough.

- Cool, just let me know if they have a gold can.

- I will.

[laughing]

Hey not to be nosy, but would you mind

if I took that copy of your play?

I'd love to read it.

I'm a big reader.

- Um, okay.

But it's fictional, so just keep that in mind.

- Yeah, of course it is.

I can't wait to read it.

- [Kathryn] Her dress is ruffled with heart detail.

It looks great on her.

The ice clinks in her glass of vodka cranberry,

a necessary poison for making it

through the country club event.

She parts her lips and blows out her cigarette smoke.

She approaches some random party guests.

[blow dryer blowing]

[phone beeping]

[phone beeping]

- Who are you talking to?

- A friend, I gotta go.

- Where?

- Out.

- You're going out?

- Yep.

- Cheeseburger, Cheeseburger, Cheeseburger,

your fries, chips, and your Pepsi Coke.

Double cheese the best.

♪ Bad kids

♪ Bad kids

- Thanks for coming out.

I'm glad we could get together.

- Are you wearing new clothes?

- Yeah, it's a new wardrobe.

- You look great.

Wow, a whole new you.

- Thanks.

- You have like a beautiful soul, pretty.

- That's like the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

- You should hang out with better people.

- Hi baby.

Oh I hope this works.

- Me too.

Come on Cubs.

- Bartender.

- Bartender.

- We need some shots.

- Two, three.

- Four.

[laughing]

♪ We're gonna wind up dead.

- Okay, I will do the tough guy.

♪ A bad kid

♪ Bad kids

♪ Bad kids

- I would rather have my eye removed with a dull spoon.

[laughing]

♪ Hey

- I wanna give you a little swoop.

- I got it cut the other day, and the hairdresser said

she said that I was losing it, my hair, not my mind.

- You have like a lot of hair.

- [Bob] That's what I said, and she said the top.

Look at the top, is it balding?

- Oh yeah. - I wanna see what she saved.

Can I see it?

- No, oh it's so embarrassing.

- Oh come on, don't be a sissy.

- Okay.

- Okay.

- Come on.

- Okay.

Whoa.

[laughing]

Thank you bar man.

- [Elizabeth] Thank you for the shots.

- I believe this is your horrible '80s

not glass, yellow slipper shoe.

- I can't believe you saved it, thank you.

- I feel like an idiot.

- [Elizabeth] Why?

- One night stand guy, 25 years ago,

didn't get married, saved your shoe.

I look kind of pathetic.

- I think you look like the sweetest guy

I've ever met.

- Really?

- Really.

[alarm ringing]

[phone buzzing]

- Where'd the shoe come from?

- What shoe?

- This hideous yellow shoe you tried to hide

under the bed.

- I wasn't hiding it.

- Why'd you see Bob last night?

- Why'd you go through my phone?

- Dinner still at seven?

[rock music]

- [Raymundo] I absolutely love the bling bling.

- I feel like it's a bit much.

- Well it is a bit much, honey, but it's supposed

to be a bit much.

- Wait, is this restaurant that fancy.

- Look at this, darling.

Sit down.

- Damn, I'm going the wrong way.

- You're not going the wrong way.

Just sit.

- This purse is ugly.

- It's not.

The bling, bling is fierce by the way.

- I look like a dog. - No, you don't, stop it.

- Woof, woof.

- No, you look fine.

[classical guitar music]

- Hey, I didn't know you were coming.

- Last minute decision, Bob.

[classical guitar music]

Where's the table?

[classical guitar music]

- Smell that.

[laughing]

- So what time is everyone else coming?

- I think they should be here like now.

- Are you excited?

[speaking in a foreign language]

- I'm Raymundo.

- Hey honey.

[classical guitar music]

Hey Bob.

- [Bob] Good to see you.

- [Raymundo] I still have your sombrero, boo.

- [Bob] Oh I thought I forgot something.

- [Kathryn] What are you doing here?

- What was I not invited?

- Not exactly.

- Hey Kathryn, you're wearing the dress.

It looks great.

- Yeah, thanks, thank you.

- It looks beautiful, honey.

That was really thoughtful of you, Bob.

- So Kathryn did you find a job yet?

- I already have a job, and I wasn't looking

for a new one.

- Well we can't pay half your rent forever.

It's time for you to be on your own and independent.

- What's in the bag, Bob?

- Well Kathryn, I really loved your play,

and I got really excited.

So I went, and I had it bound.

I had 'em make it look just like

an actual play, like it's official or something.

I made a few copies.

- Do you mind if I see this?

- Yes, actually I do mind if you look at that.

- I assume this is about you and him.

- That's private.

I didn't say you could read that.

- [Todd] Oh, that's so cute.

- Come on, man.

- Why would you go ahead and make copies

without even asking me?

- I was just proud of you.

- Proud of me?

How could you be proud of somebody you barely even know?

- Kathryn, is this your way of trying to find your identity?

- Mom, the fact that you are still with him

really shows where your loyalties lie.

- Kathryn, calm down.

I think you're overreacting.

No Raymundo, I'm not.

- I'm sorry, I just thought it was a cool idea for a gift.

- Well it's not cool, and I'm having

a really hard time trying to wrap

my head around why you're trying to play daddy to me

after 25 years of nonexistence.

- You won't give me a chance.

You're so hard and defensive.

Not everyone is out to get you.

- Okay so what, so we've made this discovery.

What do you want to save me?

You think you're gonna fix me,

make me a new person?

Get real.

I told you that play was fucking fiction.

Real life doesn't have so bullshit fairytale ending, Bob.

- No, it doesn't, but it doesn't have

to be as shitty as you make it.

You're the one making yourself miserable.

- Okay, I get it.

I get that you're some lonely guy

looking for companionship, but you're not gonna

find it with me, okay?

We're just too different.

I am who I am, and you're not gonna change me.

And this whole situation isn't gonna change me.

Do you wanna know why my play is fiction

'cause in the end people always disappoint you.

That's the reality.

That's the real life ending.

And this is the real ending.

I'm leaving.

You can have your play, and you can enjoy your dinner, mom.

Shit!

- Kathryn, Kathryn, stop Kathryn.

- [Kathryn] No.

[classical guitar music]

[waiter speaking in a foreign language]

[sad music]

[fingers snapping]

[sad music]

- You raised a great kid, Lizzy.

- How was dinner?

- Ask her.

[Kathryn and Raymundo yelling]

[Gustav speaking in a foreign language]

- Should I be scared?

- [Gustav] Knee bop.

- Be very afraid.

- [Gustav] Moop, mop.

Bing, bang, bong, bing, boom.

I miss home.

[phone ringing]

- Hello.

- Hey.

[laughing]

[coughing]

Guess what, I got my fucking handicap parking permit today.

[laughing]

I called my doc and told him I was too fat to walk

which is you know kinda true.

But now, I get all the great parking spaces, man.

I don't have to worry about those fucking parking meters.

This is like Christmas.

Hello?

Bob, are you there?

Dumb ass.

- He's a complete loser.

- He's Kathryn's father, Todd.

[sad rock music]

♪ Over the undertow she cries

♪ Under the overthrow of life

♪ Every night's a whisper calling from a distant life ♪

♪ Every words a razor cutting through another time ♪

♪ Taking it all away

♪ Burning the light of day

♪ Taking it all away

- What it's portion control.

♪ Taking it all away

♪ Burning the light of day

♪ Taking it all away

[Kathryn humming]

- [Kathryn] I hate everybody.

- Do you want to come to the gym with me?

- Do I look like I want to go to a fuckin' gym?

- You know this moping around, depressed shit

is really getting old, Kathryn.

Your room looks like a fucking meth den.

- My room doesn't look like a meth den.

It looks like a safe house, okay.

I would know.

My Bulgarian college roommate took me

to one when I was 20.

I thought she meant we were going to a hotel.

I was very, very wrong.

- Whatever.

Here's the copy of my demo.

- Raymundo's Amazing Demo Cassette.

- [Raymundo] And you know it.

- Do some extra sit ups for Erasmo.

- I'm not doing them for him.

I'm doing them for me.

I wanna be an inspiration for other fat people.

- In all honesty, I actually really do think

that fat people are gonna see you

and want to change their lives.

- Really?

- Um hmm.

- Well in that case.

Bye.

- Raymundo, I've been in there forever.

Let me come with you.

[rock music]

♪ It's like what am I supposed to do ♪

♪ When I look to the sky it's like am I doing ♪

♪ What I'm supposed to do

♪ What I'm supposed to do

♪ Will I ever feel how it feels to fly away ♪

♪ Fly away

♪ If my friends wanna stay on the ground ♪

♪ How could I just fly away

♪ Fly away

♪ Am I doing what I'm supposed to do ♪

♪ 'Cause I feel like I'm meant to fly away ♪

♪ 'Cause I feel like I'm meant fly away ♪

♪ I think I'm doing what I'm supposed to do ♪

- [Raymundo] Get over yourself, honey.

Make up, it's not worth it.

Hurray before you turn into Christina Aguilera.

And yes, your ass is getting bigger

from all that shit you're eating.

Love you, XOXO Raymundo.

♪ Now the same people love to brag on where I go, go ♪

♪ Shoot for the stars, but tomorrow's where they won't go ♪

♪ Live for today and hope tomorrow where I'm going, ♪

♪ Bro word

♪ Now time to fly away

♪ Fly away

♪ Fly away

♪ Fly away

- You're quiet.

Please don't tell me you're still moping

because of the blow up in the restaurant.

Can we talk about something or someone else?

You know humor me for a minute, Elizabeth.

Tell me after Bob showed up, what did you expect?

- I expected nothing.

I was hoping the situation would fix itself.

Yeah, poor Kathryn, poor Bob, poor you.

What about me?

What about my needs?

And what is this, the plumber's influence?

You think you're some sort of a humanitarian now?

Blue collar, do you realize the embarrassment

you've caused me?

I've had to sacrifice my reputation for you,

you and that bastard child!

- How dare you?

- [Todd] She's not my kid!

- No, she's not, and she never was.

I'm gonna walk out that door,

and don't you dare try to stop me!

- Stop.

- Don't touch me!

- She's crazy.

- Out of wedlock, pregnant Lake Forest girl.

What will your parents say?

- Um, they would kill me.

- Or it.

- Courtney that's so evil.

You have to realize they're gonna

make you get rid of it, right?

- I don't even know if I'm pregnant.

[Courtney laughing]

[rap music]

- Oh my God, your room looks so good, girl.

It's like you went to rehab, and it actually worked.

Go Britney.

- Thanks for the note.

- You're welcome.

You just need to snap out of it.

You know I wrote it out of love.

I love you, roomie.

- I love you too.

Oh God, you really need a shower.

- Well now you know how I felt for the past couple of weeks.

Down.

Kathryn, can I tell you something?

- Sure.

- You are exactly like Bob.

You're funny.

You have an open heart, down to earth, accepting.

You just need to reach out to him.

I know that somewhere deep down inside you love him.

- I wouldn't go that far yet.

- You don't have to pretend with me.

I'm your friend.

What are you thinking?

And be honest.

- I think he's sweet.

I think he's sweet, and he's kind,

and he's accepting me the way that I am,

and I know I'm not the easiest person.

- Girl, and?

- And I guess I love him in a way almost definitely.

He's not a bad guy.

- No, he's not, but do you want to know

what is bad?

- What I'm afraid to ask.

- When the line to get into Side Track is so long

that you pee your pants.

And then when you go to take a step,

you can hear the pee squishing in your shoes.

- Oh my God, Raymundo that is gross, ew.

- Okay, okay.

- So did you talk to Erasmo yet?

- I don't know.

I just can't anymore.

He probably hates me anyway.

- He doesn't.

- Don't try to make me feel better.

- [Kathryn] It's true he doesn't.

- And how do you know?

- Because I called him at work.

He got a job at FFC.

- What?

[speaking in a foreign language]

Who told you this?

- John.

- Child, John was sober enough to even speak?

- Yes, barely.

I couldn't understand much, but he's taking you

to Las Manunitas at 8:30, so go get ready.

- Oh my God, is he picking me up here?

- [Kathryn] Yes.

- Thank you so much.

I love you, roomie.

- I love you too, run.

- Hey, can I borrow your car?

- Yes, and don't forget the cassette tape music

for the road.

- Does it come with earplugs?

- Oh you're gonna be sorry you said that

when I'm accepting my Latin Grammy.

- Should I be worried about Gustav

popping up in the backseat?

- Kathryn, you in danger, girl.

[laughing]

- Oh great, thanks a lot.

- Okay now, one more time in Espangle.

[Kathryn speaking in a foreign language]

We'll work on your pronunciation later.

[door knocking]

- Hi.

- It's all in the wrist.

Not my wrist.

Not my wrist.

[rap music]

♪ Some say there's only so many times ♪

♪ A man's lost for words

[door knocking]

- [Kathryn] Bob.

[door knocking]

Bob?

♪ Times a man's lost

♪ If you can hear me, just listen ♪

[door knocking]

- Who could that be?

I'll be right back.

- Okay. ♪ When a broke man for his pappy. ♪

- [Bob] No cheating.

♪ Then again pops wasn't rich

♪ Moms was part time and grams lost her head ♪

- Hi.

What are you doing here?

- I don't exactly know where to start,

but I just came here to tell you that I'm

really, really sorry for the way

that I've been treating you.

I know you're just trying to help,

and I don't even care.

It wasn't even about the copies of the play.

I'm just fucked up.

I skip out on therapy sessions all the time clearly.

Just I hate Dr. Moskowitz.

He's so smug, and he smells.

And why should I tell him my feelings.

Who really needs his advice anyway?

Not me.

- You're not that fucked up.

- [Kathryn] I am.

- No, you're not.

- It's just been a little weird for me

that after all these years you came

out of thin air.

I never expected for this happen.

There was no logic.

So I completely freaked out, and I pushed you away.

I just came here to tell you that I think you're great.

I think you're perfect actually.

I'm just gonna go out on a limb here.

This isn't something I've said to pretty much anyone

before but I love you.

Maybe I do want the fairytale ending.

Maybe it's real.

- I love you too.

- You're not angry with me?

- I only have one daughter.

I really can't be too pissed at you.

- I missed you.

- I missed you too.

For the record, I think you're an awesome kid.

I'm the luckiest guy alive that you're mine.

- [Elizabeth] Bob, who are you talking to?

- Mom, what are you doing here?

- I got into a big fight with Todd.

It's over.

- Wow, you're not going back at all?

Oh no, he's gonna take half of everything, isn't he?

- All my money is in a trust that only your name is on.

- [Kathryn] What about the house?

- His name isn't on it.

I had an ironclad prenup.

I wasn't that dumb.

- Phew, my heart was beating really fast

for a second there.

That was scary.

- Thank God.

Well hey, come on in.

We're playing quarters in the kitchen.

- Quarters seriously?

I feel like I am back in the college I dropped out of.

Remember how happy you were with that bill?

- Yeah.

- This is weird by the way the three

of us together like this.

- I don't know.

I think I could get used to it.

- Me too.

- This is a very nice property.

It was built in 1960.

- It's--

- It's a little out of your price range.

- Daddy, this is awful.

It's so small.

You can't live like this.

- I know I can't.

I don't have a choice Cassandra.

I'll take it.

- Great.

- Hey, good to see ya.

I didn't know we had a showing today.

- Looks like you got yourself a buyer.

- Hey.

- Oh Mr. O'Link, I saw your daughter's play

at Victory, and I loved it.

Do you know I was adopted, and I found

my biological mother when I was 30.

So it really hit close home.

- Thanks that's great to hear.

I'll make sure she knows.

- Elizabeth, hi.

- Enjoy pal.

[keys tingling]

Hey.

- Hi, I got you a present.

- You did?

- Yeah, open it.

Pink tissue.

[Bob laughing]

- That's awesome.

- I'm glad you like it.

- Thank you.

- I love you, dad.

- I love you too.

Hey you.

- Hi mommy.

- Hi.

Oh, so sweet.

- What up?

- Oh hey, Gustav.

I didn't know you were coming.

- Who the hell is Gustav?

I'm Pat Jones.

- Hi Pat.

- [Pat] Hi.

- Where's your beard?

- Drinks.

- [Kathryn, Elizabeth, Bob] Hey.

- Thanks Raymundo.

- Who's Raymundo?

That's Ray, Ray.

- Ray, Ray?

- Hey um, Bob, there's a white couch in there,

and Latin guy made hummus.

So sorry. - Oh Phil.

- Ew.

- No, Ray, Ray, don't doo-doo, boo-boo, boo.

- You need to get that checked out.

- Do you got any extra napkins I could--

- A napkin's not gonna do it, Phil.

- Table cloth?

I mean what?

- Maybe a beach towel.

- [Phil] Beach towel?

- No, we have to call that company

that cleans up crime scenes.

- [Elizabeth] You should just keep it.

- Yeah, it's like Cold Case Files.

- Just keep it?

- Just keep the couch, Phil.

- Really?

[laughing]

Hey, I get to keep the couch!

- [Raymundo] Oh God.

- He gets to keep a shit stained couch.

- Disgusting.

- I want a couch.

- What do you think about a movie version

of Kathryn Upside Down?

I think that would be pretty funny.

What about you, Zoe?

Do you want to go to Hollywood?

♪ We are young and we are fearless ♪

♪ We are bold, and we are tearless ♪

♪ I love it in the city as I drink my coffee ♪

♪ I love the city in January

♪ Her lips part and the smoke invites itself in ♪

♪ She starts to feel a spark

♪ But doesn't know where to begin ♪

♪ But we are young and we are fearless ♪

♪ We are bold, but we are tearless ♪

♪ We are born with this hypocritical shit ♪

♪ Dispense the pills, end it all quick ♪