All language subtitles for Kathryn Upside Down 2019

[rushing air]

[bell ringing]

[orchestral music]

- Where's Kathryn?

- She's over there somewhere.

[orchestral music]

- What's this of, sweetie?

- That's you, mom.

This one's me, and that's a dad.

It's a normal family.

[orchestral music]

- We are a normal
family, Kathryn.

A dad doesn't make
a family normal.

- That's not what grandpa said.

- What did grandpa
say to you, sweetie?

- He said that he was
embarrassed of us.

He said that's why no one
talks to me at school.

[orchestral music]

- The dad looks a little
chubby, don't you think?

- He eats too much
birthday cake.

[rap music]

♪ I think I'm doing what
I'm supposed to do ♪

♪ Ha, ha, ha they was
laughing at a genius. ♪

♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha

♪ Funny how my
spaceship took off ♪

♪ And I blasted on them genius

♪ Perfect alignment for a star

♪ Used to tell me
where I won't go ♪

♪ Now the same people love
to brag on where I go, go ♪

♪ Shoot for the stars, but to
Mars is where they won't go ♪

♪ Live for today and hope
tomorrow where I'm going, word ♪

♪ Time to fly away

[orchestral music]

- Hey mom.

- Hi honey, how was work?

- It was pretty good.

Beth is still a
raging bitch though.

She's awful.

- I know you ate my chocolates
out of the break room.

Those are special
from Amazon, bitch.

- How many times do
I have to tell you

that I'm allergic
to chocolate, Beth?

- I'm gonna tell
Peter to fire you.

- Go ahead.

He doesn't even speak
our language anyway.

[Peter speaking in
a foreign language]

Tiger doesn't
change its stripes.

- [Elizabeth] Well,
how was writing class?

- It was good.

I'm writing some scenes,
tossing around some ideas.

Not sure which one I wanna
expand into a play yet though.

[singing]

- [Elizabeth] What'd you buy?

- A dress.

It's cute, right?

- Very.

You remembered to
request a day off work

for our party, right?

- Yeah, I did.

- That dress you
bought would look

really pretty on you, sweetie.

- [Kathryn] Thanks.

- So how's packing coming along?

- It's coming along, Todd.

Don't worry.

I'm almost out of your hair.

- Well instead of shopping,
you should be packing.

- Okay, dinner's ready.

- [Kathryn] What'd you make?

- Meatloaf and mashed potatoes.

- Oh, I hate meatloaf.

No offense, mom, it looks
like a big clump of shit.

- Do you want to eat it or not?

- Nope.

- [Todd] Kathryn, Kathryn!

- What?

- [Todd] Put the crackers away.

- I'm not a child, Todd.

I'll eat crackers if I want to.

- That's right you're
not a child, Kathryn,

but you're acting like
one having a tantrum.

- [Kathryn] Oooh.

- [Elizabeth] Please just stop.

- Elizabeth, I'm speaking.

Do not interrupt me
when I'm speaking.

- Grow a backbone, mom.

- Kathryn, come back.

- I'm going upstairs.

I have work to do.

Don't bother me.

And make sure you fix
yourself up for the party.

[piano music]

[orchestral music]

- Kathryn, please no smoking.

[orchestral music]

Kathryn, please no smoking.

- I was trying to pretend
like I couldn't see you.

- Please.

[laughing]

- I was trying to hide
in between the pillars.

How did you find me?

- I really like the
Range Rover I have,

but the new Jag XJ
is so beautiful.

- There's the guard
gate right there,

the guy checks you in.

Just drive up, park your car.

- Yeah, I haven't seen
her without a drink

in her hand either.

- [Man On Right] Or a cigarette.
- Yeah.

- [Man On Right] I think
she's got a drinking problem.

[orchestral music]

- I can see you.

- No, you can't.

- I'm standing right here.

- No, you can't.

You can't see me.

I'm a figment of
your imagination.

- This has gotta
be a Todd thing.

I mean really you'd think
he could've given us

a nicer wine.

- [Todd] Who said you
could invite faggots?

- Hi Elizabeth.

Could you point me in the
direction of your bathroom?

- You know what my daughter's
sitting right inside there,

and she can show you.

- I'm gonna head inside.

- So the guest
bathroom where you are

to take a whizz is
right through that door.

Knock yourself out.

[guest moaning]

- Oh wow.

Ick.

- Whoa, that is fucking sick.

- Ew, is there another
bathroom I can use?

- You can use mine upstairs
though if it were up to me,

you would just take a
whizz on the front lawn.

I would love to see
Todd's reaction to that.

- Who's Todd?

- My stepfather.

- Oh yeah, Elizabeth's husband?

- Uh huh.

- He seems like a bigot.

- Asshole.

- I feel sorry for her and you.

- Thank you, I
appreciate your sympathy.

Let's go.

- Well we have a gorgeous
home in Jackson Hole.

You really have to be
there in order to revel

in its majesty.

- You know how our David
just adores skiing.

He'd give you a run
for you money, Todd.

- I'd bet he would, Cindy.

[Todd and guests laughing]

- Excuse me, there's a huge
shit stuck in the toilet,

massive spiral-ish shape.

Someone, I bet my lovely
stepsister Cassandra

ate too much food,
shat it right out

of her ass into the
toilet, tried to cover

it with TP and clogged it.

[Cassandra grunting]

I almost passed
out from the smell.

- Well that is
rather inappropriate.

- Very.

[Kathryn laughing]

- Kathryn!

- Whatever mom, their son
is a total douche bag, okay.

[Cindy crying]

- Everybody knows.

[crying]

- [Elizabeth] You
made her cry Kathryn.

- [Cindy's Husband] Only
the attorneys know honey.

- I'm sorry.

- This one time I
was at this party,

he tried to slip a roofie
into my jungle juice,

but I caught him.

I swapped the drinks,
and he ended up

in the ER freaking out.

That is such a
turnoff by the way.

Mom, a guy who can't handle
their own date rape drug.

Think about that and go figure.

- Okay, I've heard enough.

- Do you really care
what those people think?

- No, but that doesn't
excuse your behavior.

- Mom, the only thing
that matters to them

is their 100K a year
country club membership

so they can mingle with
all the other vapid WASPs.

[buzzing]

Elizabeth.
- Stop it.

- I'm a WASP, Elizabeth.

- Just go find a plumber in
the Yellow Pages or something.

- The Yellow Pages?

Mom, what era are
we living in here?

Prehistoric I guess,
and I guess I missed

the dinosaurs scattered
in the backyard.

- Look, I know you
don't like these things,

but it is just for a couple
hours, so just try, okay?

- Okay fine, I will try.

I will go in there.

I will get the Yellow Pages.

I will call the
plumber, and then I will

refill my drink.

Refill the drink
first, plumber second.

- Refill mine too.

- Okay, geez.

Somebody wants to get crunk.

[Cindy crying]

- [Cindy] He can't
ski worth a damn.

[orchestral music]

- Yellow Pages, stupid.

[page ripping]

[orchestral music]

[Kathryn coughing]

[orchestral music]

[phone beeping]

[toilet flushing]

[phone ringing]

- O'Link plumbing,
plunging since 1975.

- Hi, I got your
postcard in the mail.

I have a little
situation, and I need

my toilet fixed
like immediately.

- Yeah, I can come out.

Address?

- 20 Rosewood in
Lake Forest, hey.

- Lake Forest, classy.

The crapper must be
coated in 24 karat gold.

- No, it's 14 karat.

Could you please just hurry?

- I'm on my way.

- Great.

Weirdo.

[orchestral music]

- Yeah, you're right.

I really need to
check out the Bentley.

- Yeah, I need to
test drive the Jag.

- Oh that blue
one was so pretty.

- You guys want, ooh, do
you guys want some cheese?

- No, thank you.
- No, thank you.

- You sure?

- Positive.

Would you like a
cracker with that?

Okay.

- Okay.

- Bye.

- Bye.

- Have fun.

- Thank you.

- How weird was that?

- Very.

- We should go out to
the nightclub later.

- Let's go.

- Let's go right now.

- Okay, let's go.

- I'm gonna lose you.

- Hang on, I'm comin'.

[car horn honking]

- Plumber.

[car horn honking]

Plumber.

Plumbing.

[car horn honking]

[punk rock music]

[car horn honking]

- What is that?

- It's the plumber.

[punk rock music]

- Great.

- Awesome.

[orchestral music]

[door knocking]

- [Kathryn] Hey, you
must be the plumber.

- Yeah, here to fix the john.

- Great, bathroom's over here.

It's over here.

Come in.

[giggling]

- Okay.

Someone dropped a deuce.

[Kathryn moaning]

- Smells like a hobo's
used condom in here.

God, it smells like
Ron Jeremy's taint.

- I would assume you've plunged

a number of toilets
in your field.

- Actually I was referring
to the toilet paper

covering the shit trying
to hide the evidence.

I've been guilty of
that a few times myself.

[laughing]

- Ah, I'm glad actually
you could make it

on such short notice
because I have been

letting people use
my bathroom upstairs,

and you know what they say.

When someone gets
the runs, it's like

a ripple effect, and I'm
definitely not gonna clean,

so thank you, sir,
for assisting me.

[Bob grunting]

- I knew I bought these
jeans one size too small.

- They're two sizes too small.

- All right.

- Gotta be careful
'cause when you take

that ball outta there, it
can make the toilet overflow.

- Yeah, everything's fine.

It's a pretty standard clog.

I'm just gonna give
her a little plunge.

[water splashing]
[Kathryn yelling]

- That shit almost
splattered on my face.

- I'm so sorry.

I am so sorry.

I will fix this later.

- Whatever.

[water splashing]
[Kathryn yelling]

- I got shit in my eye.

There's shit in my eye.

- Oh my God, are you okay?

- Yeah, I'll be fine
just gotta get it out.

- I've had a few
too many right now.

- I'm gonna look like
freakin' Captain Hook

the rest of the day.

- That's disgusting.

Captain Hook, he has a patch.

- Okay, that was my face.

I hit my face on the wall.

- You don't know
what you're doing,

don't know your name, your
address, your own phone number.

Okay, I have an idea.

I have an idea.

It's a really good one.
- I'll take care of this.

- I think it's in my drink.

Wait, the smell's, hold on
one second I can't think.

[coughing]

I don't want it.

- Yep, I'm a professional.

Last try.

- How can I trust you
wearing that t-shirt?

- Oh shit.

- [Kathryn] Oh no.

- Hold on.

- The shit is floating.

[metal clattering]

Ew, why are you sitting there?

[Bob muttering]

- Going for the gold.

- [Kathryn] Oh my
God, I'm soaked.

- It was bronze.

It's a poo color.

- What the hell
is wrong with you?

Now my dress is ruined.

- I'm really sorry about that.

I will pay for the dress.

- Fine, good, pay for it.

- I will.

How much was it?

- 195 bucks plus tax.

- $195?

- Yeah.

- It doesn't even
look that good on you.

[Kathryn gasping]

- I mean I picture you
more in earth tones.

- Kathryn, what's going on?

Is everything all right?

- No!

Everything is not
all right, mom!

My dress is no longer a dress.

It's a piece of shit literally.

- I'm sorry about that.
- And I am drenched

in toilet water, and
you don't give a shit,

and I'm gonna cry.

- Oh my God, it's a mess.

- It's so embarrassing.

I will pay for the
cost of the cleanup.

- What about my dress?

Why don't you pay for that too
while you're at it, stupid?

- You know the more
I look at the dress,

the more I think maybe
a turd colored tie dye,

you could start a new trend.

- Ho, guess what, pal.

I could've plunged that
fucking shitter better myself.

- I don't think you could.

- I do.

- I don't.

- I do.
- I don't.

- I do.
- Don't.

- I Do.
- Don't.

- Do.
- Don't.

- You know what
this is childish.

You need to stop yourself.

- You need to check yourself
before you wreck yourself,

- Whatever dude, I
don't care about you.

- [Bob] girl.

- I don't care about you.

- I'm sorry, I know I
keep staring at you,

[Kathryn burping] but you
look so familiar to me.

I feel like I know you.

- Maybe, where you from?

- [Elizabeth] Winnetka.

- No, I'm from Mundelein.

- I have a headache.

- I must be thinking
of someone else then.

Strange though.

[Bob and Elizabeth laughing]

- That's the funniest joke
I ever heard in my life.

[Bob and Elizabeth laughing]

- [Bob] You're never
ever going to forget it.

- Are you staying at this hotel?

- Lizzy right?

- Yes.
- Lizzy.

- We met and did some other
stuff in the late '80s.

- Ew.

- I want to go to your room.

- But you've had
shots and drinks.

Maybe I could take
you back to your home.

Where do you live?

- Come on, don't be a sissy.

- I think we're unlocked.

Surprise.

- Woo, we're home!

[Bob mumbling]

[Bob laughing]
- [Bob] I just wanted to say--

- Stop talking.
- Okay.

Oh this is, ahh!

[laughing]

[Elizabeth and Bob moaning]

- Yeah, I have a good memory.

I was thinking I
should join Mensa.

That's for people who can
remember a ton of shit.

- No, no, no Mensa's
not for people

who can remember a ton of shit.

It's for smart people
like me and not like you

because I am smart,
and I am bright,

and I shine like the sun.

- My dad, he's a plumber.

- A plumber?

- A plumber, right.

[Elizabeth laughing]

- You're like the funniest
person I've ever met

in my whole life.

- You're a liar.

[laughing]

- You're really cute.

- Now I know you're lying.

- No, I'm not.

[Bob laughing]

- I just took this.

- Where?

- There was a table over
there, and I took it.

- You're going to spill it.

- Hi.

- Hey.
- Oh my God.

- Take a picture,
it'll last longer.

- Ew.

- Madonna's naughty.

- She is naughty.

So is that lady if you
take a good look at her.

- Well can we just get
- That's not my bedroom.

- to your room already?

- [Bob] I'm finding it.

Hold on, found it.

- Oh.

[Bob laughing]

[Bob snoring]

[Elizabeth yelling]

- Oh my God.

- [Bob] Don't tell on me.

I'll take the cat away.

- Oh my God, this is bad.

[Bob snoring]

- [Elizabeth] My stomach
has been killing me all day.

I feel like an overstuffed pig.

- No shit.

You're pregnant.

- No.

I can't be.

- Yeah, you can be.

All it takes is a
couple of thrusts.

- I'm scared to look.

No, no.

- Lizzy, I don't think we
can be friends anymore.

- Great.

I think we need to
have a little talk.

- Yeah, you're right.

I did drink the rest of
the whiskey under the sink.

That was me.

- [Elizabeth] Yeah,
not about that.

- What?

- Something wrong?

- Why do you look
like so scared?

Mom?

Mom?

Mom?

Mom?

Mom, is there a glass of
vodka for me under the sink?

- [Elizabeth] No, but
I found that flask

in your purse.

- Oh okay, I'll go
get it upstairs.

Why are you still here?

No.

No, you didn't look
closely enough.

This is impossible.

I do not look one
thing like him clearly.

Do I?

Oh my God, I do.

Ew.

Why didn't you
ever tell me this?

Mom, I would've liked to have
known this one night stand

story or whatever at
some point I guess.

You never even told me.

Why?

Oh my God, you had
unprotected sex with that guy.

Why?

Ew.

- It was the '80s.

I had a fake ID.

- Well mom, that fake
ID was the worst mistake

you've ever made in
your entire life,

and I am gonna go
on the internet.

I'm gonna go on the
internet when I get

out of this room,
and I'm gonna go

and apply to be a
guest on Maury Povich,

and Maury Povich is gonna
decide who my father is.

- I'm really sorry.

I feel terrible.

I don't know what else to say.

You had no phone
number for this guy,

and you didn't have his
address ever at any point?

- I didn't.

- Great, perfect, now
I feel like a total ass

for pushing him out of
here the way that I did.

I look like a huge dick.

- Kathryn, at least
take his number.

- Fine, this guy writes
in chicken scratches too.

Does he live in a coop?

[bell ringing]

- [Announcer] Awesome.

Nice!

[electronic beeping]

Uh oh.

[phone beeping]

[phone ringing]

- O'Link Plumbing,
plunging since 1975.

- Hi, is this Bob?

- No, this is Phil.

- Oh, is Bob there?

- [Phil] Let me check.

- Okay.

- Bob, Bob, Bob!

Hang on, I think
he's taking a dump.

- Ew.

[door knocking]

- Hey you got
diarrhea or something?

- [Bob] Yeah, I knew I should've
eaten that corn beef hash.

[Phil laughing]

[Bob flatulating]

- Wow, you sound like my mother

after she had her colonoscopy.

- Did she have any polyps?

- Yeah, two in fact.

Oh man, it's too
bad you missed it.

It was like a symphony.

- Hello, it's urgent.

- Oh yeah, hang on.

Yeah Bob, you got a phone call.

She says it's urgent.

- Well who is it?

And can you try sounding a
little more professional?

- Ah yes, who may
I say is calling?

- Kathryn.

- She says her name is Kathryn.

- Oh, okay.

I'm coming, I'm coming.

- He'll be with you shortly,
Kathryn, as soon as he finishes

wiping his ass.

[toilet flushing]

- Hey.

- Hi.

- [Bob] What's up?

- Not much.

Listen Bob, I'm really sorry
about what happened yesterday.

I didn't mean to push you
out of my house like that.

I was just shit faced.

I was completely wasted.

I freaked out, and
I needed a Xanax

the size of a
horse tranquilizer,

and I didn't have one on hand.

So I'm sorry about that.

- I completely understand.

- Actually, can I
ask you a favor?

- Sure, fire away.

- I know this is a little
awkward and last minute,

but, um, I'm moving
to an apartment

downtown next week, and
well I was wondering

if maybe you would
want to help me move.

I thought it would
be a good way for us

to get to know one
another in a weird

fucked up beyond
belief sort of way.

- That's a great idea.

I'd love to help.

We can take my truck.

- You have a truck?

- Yeah, my plumbing truck.

It's great for packing.

Just tell me where to be.

- I can just meet you at
my house if that's cool.

- Okay, see you then.

Gotta go, bye.

Phil, hold my calls.

Holy shart.

[flatulating]

- Why me?

- I'm surprised you
finished packing.

You know Kathryn, I
never would've pegged you

for a plumber's
daughter, classy.

- Not in the fucking mood.

Be gone evil stepsister.

- Well you've certainly
got a mouth like a plumber.

Oh, you two are already
so alike, that's cute.

- Don't you have anything
better to do, Cassandra,

like clog the toilet with
some more explosive diarrhea?

- That wasn't me.

- Well I know for
a fact that it was

because the poo fashioned
itself into a C shape.

- Bitch.

- Whatever.

[window knocking]

- Hey.
- Hey.

- You all packed
and ready to go.

- Yeah, it's looking
like we're ready to go.

- [Bob] Hi.

- Hey, Bill right?

- Bob.

- Whatever.

- [Bob] You look
really nice, Lizzy.

- All right, it looks like
everything's pretty copacetic.

So we're ready to
go, and you can take

this box fist.

Be careful, it's very fragile.

- [Bob] You're the boss.

- Is that your
truck behind my car?

- Yeah.

- Move it.

- Careful.

Holy hell, look at this guy.

I don't know if I should
be doing this, mom.

I don't even know
him, and he looks

like a total weirdo.

- [Elizabeth] This
is gonna be good.

It's healthy.

The move'll be a great
time for bonding.

- [Kathryn] It's a disaster.

- Look how eager and
happy he is to help.

- Eager?

He looks like a total freak.

How am I gonna get into
a car with this guy?

How did you let that
guy get into your pants?

Damn.

[glass shattering]

He just broke my lamp.

It was wedged in my shoebox.

This is worse than
it was before.

[car horns honking]

- [Bob] Actually, do you
mind if I bum one of those?

- Oh, you smoke too?

- You know once a
day, doctor's orders.

Speeds up the metabolism,
helps you lose weight.

- Helps you lose weight.

Success.

Do you drink?

- Hard liquor or beer?

- [Kathryn] Both?

- Yes and yes.

Yeah, cool.

Drinking buddies.

- That's not a
bad idea actually.

Pretty good idea.

- [Bob] Yeah.

- Yeah.

- [Bob] All right.

- It's a start.

- Good times.

You know where
we're goin' right?

- Yeah totally.

This is a super easy route,
and it's super direct.

We're gonna be there
in like five minutes.

It'd take a total idiot to
get lost on this highway.

- Great, well I'm
following your directions,

so if we get lost,
it's your fault.

- I've got a great
sense of direction.

- [Bob] Perfect.

- [Kathryn] I studied maps.

- Nice.

- It's in my genes.

- [Bob] Awesome.

- Don't open that
box in between us.

- [Bob] Kind of encroaching,
I might have to.

- You open it, it's
like Pandora's Box.

- [Bob] Yeah?

- You're fucked.

- Wow, really?

- [Kathryn] Yeah.

- Okay.

Awesome.

- I'm just warning you.

You're not in Kansas anymore.

What did that sign just say?

- Fucked if I know.

- Well we didn't miss
a turn, we're fine.

- I'm sure we're fine.
- Yeah, we're fine.

- We haven't even been
driving that long.

- Yeah, we're fine.

It's gonna pop up in
a few minutes here.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, we're fine.

- Any minute now.

- Yeah, you can't
miss this exit.

- [Bob] I'll follow
your lead then.

- It's like super obvious.

It's kinda bumpy,
potholes everywhere.

Where are we?

This is a bad neighborhood.

This is like not good at all.

Did you have to leave
all your plumbing shit

in the trunk?

- I'm sorry.
- I'm being poked.

- You said it was okay.

You are so unpleasant.

- Oh, I'm unpleasant.

Oh, okay, guess what, Bob.

If I were a prison
thug and I had a shank,

I would stab you.

And I know exactly
where it would go

right in the gut.
- I would welcome it.

That would be awesome.

You have a lot of layers to get
through though, so did hard.

- [Kathryn] I'm like
Buffy, the vampire slayer.

- You stab me in
my stomach, how is

that like Buffy,
the vampire slayer?

- Buffy, the vampire slayer,
stabs people with shanks

wherever she pleases, and
that's how they disintegrate

into thin air.

I've seen that
show several times.

- Well I don't think you
paid much attention to it

'cause you have to
aim for the heart.

- This map looks
like a fuckin' maze.

- What are you
doing reading a map?

Are you 90?

Don't you have a GPS
thing on your phone?

- I'm 90?

Nice flip phone, grandpa.

- Hey I used to have an
iPhone, but I couldn't

figure out how to work
it, so I broke that thing,

and I collected the
insurance money.

Where do you want me to go?

- I don't care.

I don't care.

I cannot see, okay?

- I'm pulling over.

- I need to put
my nose up to it.

- I'm pulling over.

- If I put my nose up to it,
I can probably figure out

which way north is because
you are of no help.

[Bob laughing]

Why are you laughing?

- Oh because otherwise, I'm
going to kill you in the face.

- [Kathryn] Seriously
this map is useless.

Just pull over.

- Fine.

- Fine.

[police siren blaring]

- Hey home boy.

Hey, roll down your window.

- Oh my God, ignore them.

Ignore them.

- [Bob] Maybe if we say
hi, they'll stop talking.

- Roll down the window.

- Can I help you?

- You know what they
say about outsiders?

If you want to come in,
you gotta pay the toll.

- Oh yeah, tolls.

I hate tolls.

Illinois has really high tolls.

- No, no, the toll, our toll.

Hey give me your money now.

- I don't have any.

- Oh yeah, you better
find some quick.

- [Kathryn] Oh my God,
it's the shank I wanted.

- [Bob] Be careful
what you wish for.

- I don't wanna die.

[thug laughing]

- Hey y'all look at this fool
on the side of the truck.

[thugs laughing]

Hey that's nasty, man.

What you is doing
swimming in shit?

- Oh I say that.

I said that too.

- What you doing with this fool?

He kidnap you or somethin'?

- No, but he may was well have.

He's my biological father, okay?

I found out last week.

Can you imagine that?

Just imagine the
psychological torment.

- That's just embarrassing.

- I know.

It was the worst day of my life.

- I can't do this to you, girl.

You know I just can't.

You got problems.

- No, you got a lot
of problems, damn.

- That's terrible.

- For real.

- It's kind of like a tragedy.

- Hey look, I'm gonna
pay y'all toll today.

I'm Deshawn.

Anytime y'all in this
neighborhood again,

tell them Deshawn said
you ain't gotta pay,

and they ain't gonna stab
or shoot you or nothin',

all right?

- Oh thank you so much.

I was so nice to meet you guys.

- Thanks guys.

- Hey get outta here, man.

Bye beautiful.

- Bye, love you.

- Be gone, yo.

- Nice kids.

♪ Damn, she know she bad
♪ She know she bad ♪

♪ She know she feel

♪ When she around
them other girls ♪

♪ They hit no shit

♪ Well I be him

♪ No IBMs

♪ Touch the phone, now I is on

♪ Front row seats,
we in the van ♪

♪ And when they see her pinks

♪ Niggas like hey who that is

♪ Antique denims on her ass

♪ Purse look like
some other shit ♪

♪ She ain't gotta bling

♪ I'ma cover everything

♪ Now hit the club and
watch them niggas sing ♪

♪ Let me buy you a drink

♪ It ain't hard to see that
I got money in the bank ♪

♪ It's nothing to a G

- This is it.

- This is kind of a shit hole.

- Thank you so much for
your unwanted opinion.

I just hope this guy
I met on Craigslist

isn't a total lunatic.

I probably shoulda like
met him beforehand, huh?

- That would've been wise.

- Shit.

[door knocking]

[Raymundo speaking in
a foreign language]

Hi.

I'm Kathryn, your roommate.

- Oh my God, yes.

Come in darling.

- [Kathryn] What did you
say your name was again?

- Raymundo.

- You're Latin?

- Yeah girl, I'm half
Mexican and I look it.

And you are?

- Hi, I'm Bob.

Doing that thing, okay.

- Raymundo, what do you do?

- Well, I'm working
retail right now,

but my real dream it to become
a Latin American pop star.

You know like Thalia?

What about you?

What do you do?

- Right now, I'm actually
answering the phone

at a hair salon,
but my real dream

is to become a playwright.

[Raymundo speaking in
a foreign language]

- So are you two
related, dating?

- No, not dating, gross.

- I'm her...

I'm her father if we're
being literal about...

- Well you say that
like it's a problem.

- My mom had a one night
stand with Bob here.

So we were having this party,
and my stepsister Cassandra,

she's very evil.

She took a huge
shit in the toilet,

and it got plugged.

- Ew.

- I know.

And we had to call a plumber.

Then it turns out.

- No.

- Yep, ended up
being my sperm donor.

- Bet you never heard a
story like that before.

- I watch Maury everyday.

You should hear my
baby daddy stories.

Well cheers.

- Hello Raymundo,
the party is here.

Where is your new roommate?

- Hi, I'm Kathryn.

- Gustav Hammerstein, pleasure.

- That is an interesting accent.

Where are you from?

- Brogosteinolinominololand.

- What the hell is that?

- Gustav fell on his
head when he was a child,

and he damaged his
cerebral cortex.

It must be another
one of his episodes.

Just play along.

- How long does an episode last?

- Girl, ain't no tellin'.

- Oh, my neck still hurts.

Moving, truck clean,
these are three words

that should go together
in the English language.

- Do not worry, Kathryn, I
shall make you a scarfykit.

- What is a scarfykit?

No.

- [Gustav] Sleep, sleep.

- [Kathryn] I can't breathe.

- Yes, shush, sleep.
- Get off me.

I don't want it.
- Sleep.

- [Kathryn] I don't want it.

- [Gustav] A person
with no neck pain.

♪ We be hitting the town
to bypass relationships ♪

♪ Hottie ain't amount to shit.

[Rap music]

- I don't think wearing
this is gonna make

me feel any better.

Gustav, you can have
your scarf back, okay?

I'm just gonna take it off.

- You do not appreciate
the scarfykit?

Blasphemy.

- Not really, I look like a
fucking idiot and an asshole.

I look stupid.

- I think it looks
cute, don't you Bob?

- No, she looks like
a fucking asshole.

- Ow, fuck!

- [Raymundo] Have a
drink, and you won't feel

the pain anymore.

- Point taken.

[Raymundo speaking in
a foreign language]

- Don't look at him.

[Erasmo speaking in
a foreign language]

- [Kathryn] Who is that?

- Erasmo Fastino Declementino,
my ex, huge bitch.

- [Kathryn] That is a long name.

- I know.

- I see you Raymundo.

I knew it was you.

Don't fuckin' ignore me!

Don't pretend you don't know me.

I know all about you cheating
on me with Dagoberto, slut.

- You know that's a lie.

- That's not Esteban Armando
Julio de la Huerta said.

- What's his problem?

- Excuse me, honey,
I'm not talking to you.

What the fuck is on your neck?

- A scarf, I don't know.

I tried to take it off.

- Oh my God, girl, you
look like fashion roadkill.

- I know that's what I said.

It's horrible.

- Don't talk to her, Erasmo.

She's my friend.

- Ungrateful [speaking
in a foreign language].

- Oh that really hurts
coming from an unemployed

personal trainer.

- Hey move, you asshole!

[car horn honking]

Get your ass moving, buddy.

You're on a fuckin'
one way street.

- Hey, do not make me
get out of this car,

or I will pop you in the face.

- Yeah, come and
pop be, big talker.

- Bitch, I will come find you,
and I will fuck you in half.

- Fucking idiot.

[car horn honking]

- Hey, I'm John.

You guys want some wine?

- [Bob] Yes.

- Okay.

This is jumbo size.

There's plenty to share.

Hey, are you guys
going to JJ's party?

- JJ is having a fucking party?

- Yeah, I thought
you all were invited.

- John, get your gringo
ass back in the car!

- All right, all right,
keep your pants on.

[car horn honking]

- Come on!

♪ Check my swagger, I
let her go tippy-toe ♪

♪ Like she don't even matter

♪ Tonight man

♪ What

♪ Is already data

♪ Your main shopping

♪ Why

♪ Is already bagged up.

♪ This ain't your
ordinary straggler ♪

♪ She bad ♪ She my
friend with benefits ♪

♪ We gonna nasty

♪ We be hitting the town
to bypass relationships ♪

♪ Hottie ain't amount
to shush she ask me ♪

- That bitch JJ thinks
he can have a party

and not invite me?

Honey, I am the party.

- I don't know how comfortable
I feel showing up here.

- Just give me five minutes.

- But I'm scared.

- Oh don't be scared.

[knocker knocking]

♪ Stop it, girl, you
know what we came for ♪

- What the fuck
are you doing here?

- Your friend John
told me that your ass

is having a fucking party.

How dare you not invite me?

- [JJ] John!

- Cheers, no.

- Why would I have
you here after you had

that freak Gustav over here?

He blew chunks all
over my Persian rug.

And who the fuck is this
that you have with you?

What is that on your neck?

- It's a scarfykit.

- Well you look like a
fucking idiot turtle, bitch.

- You look like a
fucking idiot giraffe

with your long ass neck.

- Ow God, does
anybody back there

have any painkillers
that you can lend me?

- I do. Girl, I
got you, come on.

- Me too.

- Me three.

- I knew the gays had pills.

- And where the fuck do
you think you're going?

- Get the hell away from me.

- Oh you're gonna get all
Real Housewives on me now?

- Who gon check me, boo.

Bye.

- Fine.

- Well there is something
I have to tell you.

- JJ, oh, [speaking in
a foreign language] JJ.

I love your plaster
cement walls.

They remind me of
my home country.

[rap music]

- Do you know what those are?

- Acetaminophen.

- No.

- Bitch.

- Where does JJ
keep his teacups?

I need to sip my vodka.

- You sip your
vodka from a teacup?

- So hey if you were
gonna name the gang

that tried to mug us,
what would you call 'em?

- I'm not into gang violence.

So actually I would
call them nothing.

- The Carl Winslow clan.

[Raymundo laughing]

- The Hammersteins did not
have television in Estonia.

[phone ringing]

- Are you sure he's not gay?

- Yes, I'm sure he's not gay.

- Well he's cute and funny.

- Cute?

Actually I think
he likes my mom.

- We're at a party with
Kathryn's roommate.

We're...

- You cut that shit
straight down the middle.

I don't want to get gipped.

- No gipping.

- [Phil] I said friggin'.

I don't use that kind
of language, mom.

- [Kathryn] Latino?

- No honey, it's Lah-tino.

- I love you, Kathryn.

- I love you so much.

- Okay.

- You smell like roses
and petal deodorant.

- [Kathryn] Where did
you get these again?

- [Party Guest] My dealer.

- [Gustav] Robert, vodka shots.

- Cheers.

[rap music]

[slurping vodka]

[Kathryn coughing]

- This is not vodka.

- That's nice there. ♪
I'm shot down, please ♪

Read, hunty

♪ Keep your brim straight
unless you good like Davy. ♪

♪ You can stand in a wicked

[rap music]

[vomiting]

- [JJ] My Rug.

That bitch is so basic.

[rap music]

- Life is beautiful.

Bob.

Bob?

Bob!

- What's all the yelling about?

- I don't know.

I was trying to shake
him awake or something.

- Oh, we were so wasted.

We went up and down the
hallways at three a.m.

offering to plunge toilets.

- Why?

- [Raymundo] Hello,
because he's a plumber.

- Any takers?

- Some old guy on
the third floor.

I think we tried to
flush an adult diaper,

but girl, I'm not sure.

- You are an
embarrassment to society.

- Hey morning.

Would you like to go
grab a sausage biscuit?

- No.

- I would.

- Have you ever heard
of Weight Watcher's

Points Plus system?

You're gonna have
to start using it.

- Ah, you made me
burn my hair, bitch.

- Bye.

- [Raymundo] Bye.

- [Kathryn] Is
that the last one?

- This is it.

- Oh, you know I think
I can take it from here.

- Okay well aside
from our run in

with the Carl Winslow Clan,
I had a really good time.

[laughing]

Look I know this is totally
awkward for both of us,

and I don't want you
to feel uncomfortable,

but I would really like it
if we could keep in touch.

I think we should even
if it's just to hang out

as friends or something.

- Yeah, okay we can try.

- Okay.

- Thank you, Bob.

Nice to meet you.

- You too, Ray.

- You know what I gotta
go get organized so--

- Yeah, okay, well.

[giggling]

- Buckle up for safety.

- Thanks.

I'll see you guys.

- Bye.

- Yeah I said two Boston
creams, not three.

All right.

- Hi, we live here.

Is it safe to go back inside?

- Yeah, you're good.

Some old dude living
on the third floor

said two drunk idiots
came into his apartment

late last night unarmed,
forcefully pulled

his adult diaper
off him and tried

to flush it down the toilet.

He can't paint a
physical description

of the perps 'cause
he's 90% blind.

What kind of sick fucks
would do such a thing?

- I don't know sounds terrible.

- Yeah, it is.

Nice pants.

- [Radio Dispatcher] Officer
Keenan, niner, niner.

- [Tony] Tony, it's a homicide.

I don't care what
you're talking about.

- We're gonna get arrested.

- Honey, look at
me, I won't last.

- You won't last five minutes.

Hurry up and go inside
before they arrest you.

- I can't believe
Kathryn and Bob were

almost mugged last night.

I was so worried I
didn't sleep a wink.

- [Todd] I slept great.

- Well I spoke to
Kathryn this morning,

and she said she had a
great idea for a new play.

She wouldn't tell
me what it's about,

but she got inspired
so that's good to hear.

- Great.

- She got this great
Latin roommate.

He sounds like a lot of fun.
I can't wait to meet him.

- You know my breakfast
is getting cold.

Can I have a fork?

- One for me too, Elizabeth.

- Could you be any less
interested in what I'm saying?

- You know I have to
be at work in an hour.

You know how I like to read
the newspaper in the morning.

Was now the best time to
regale me with stories

of Kathryn, the gay Latino
roommate, and the plumber?

It sounds like a bad
soap opera to me,

and I'd like to change
the channel permanently.

[Cassandra laughing]

- Get your own fork.

- Elizabeth, come back here.

- [Cassandra] Drama queen.

[Todd and Cassandra laughing]

- Do you wanna smoke?

I brought the good
stuff from Armando.

- Kathryn, we're
going to the museum.

They have requested
my original sketch.

- What original sketch?

- Hello, Gustave Caillebotte.

You can be so brain dead.

- Do you want to come?

- I can't.

I'm in the middle of
this scene right now,

and I have so many ideas, and
I don't want to forget them.

I tend to lose my train
of thought all the time.

- What is your play about?

- I can't tell you until
I'm done. That's bad luck.

- Are you sure you
don't want to come?

I wanna do some roomie bonding.

- I promise we will
just not today.

Right now, I need silence,
so move along you too.

- Diva.

- Fine by me.

[fingers snapping]

- Bye girl.

- [Raymundo] Bye.

[phone ringing]

[rap music]

- [Kathryn] Hey it's Kathryn.

Leave a message.

[woman muttering]

- Bob, I poured bleach down
this crazy woman's drain

to kill some maggots and
burned holes in the pipe.

Bitch is on the
line, real pissed.

I know, I know, I know.

Phil, you're lazy.

Phil, you're an idiot.

Phil, you're fat.

Okay, I get it, all right?

Just don't fire me, okay?

- [Customer] Bitch,
I want to get--

- Hi this is Bob.

- [Woman] And put
them in my pocket.

I'm gonna get on
the phone right now

and stop wasting my time talking

to your fat slob self.

I'm gonna report
you to the big guys

in the state of Illinois.

♪ Candy, candy,
sugar and spice ♪

♪ Makes a good girl bad and
makes a bad girl nice. ♪

- Honey, we are so fierce.

Look at how many people
are jealous of us.

- Where am I looking?

- All around us.

- I only see babies.

- I know, haters are
like invisible to me now.

- Oh, that's smart.

- I thought so.

[rock music]

- [Kathryn] Hey it's Kathryn.

Leave a message.

[phone beeping]

- Hey there.

What you workin' on?

- Um, it's a play I wrote.

- Oh, well let me
know if you want

any stories about Chicago PD.

I got 'em.

For example, you may
say why Officer Keenan

are you wearing a
bulletproof vest?

'Cause I got shot in the
head four times that's why.

- Have a nice day.

- You too.

- [Phil] So did you get
in touch with her yet?

- [Bob] Nothing yet.

- Maybe it's because she finds
you annoying and revolting.

- What the hell, man?

I thought you were my friend.

- Look man, you're just like me.

You're not that bright.

You don't wash your clothes.

You smell like a backed
up toilet 90% of the time.

No kid is gonna find it
exciting that they're half you.

Look at me, man, my
kids fuckin' hate me.

They're calling me a slob,
punching me in the gut everyday.

In fact, check this out.

I have mini hand prints
branded into my stomach.

I can prove this.

Here I'll show you.

- No.

This is real encouraging.

- Look, obviously
this kid just isn't

into the whole burpin',
fartin', dumb ass dad thing.

Do yourself a favor, all
right, take a shower.

Go buy some clothes.

Stop acting like
an ignorant fool,

so she's not so disgusted
by the sight of ya.

- This coming from you?

- Do you want my advice or not?

- If your kids hate you so much,

why don't you take your advice?

[Phil laughing]

- I'm not gonna
change my filthy ways

for those little shits.

Where the hell are my donuts?

[phone beeping]

[rap music]

♪ Oh now my crib
got a vista view ♪

♪ Had to take my art to a
whole 'nother institute ♪

[door knocking]

♪ Oh my city really
into groups ♪

♪ But we don't group together

♪ That's just how we do.

- [Kathryn] Mom, hey.

- Hi.

- You drove all the way here?

- Housewarming surprise.

- [Kathryn] What's
with the doggie?

- I got her at the puppy store.

I thought she could
keep you company.

- Come in.

- Thanks.

- For sure.

You look stressed.

Do you want a swig of
my wine or something?

- What time is it?

- Eh, who cares?

I got it for like two bucks.

Hopefully, it doesn't
taste like mud.

- I'm sure it's fine.

- Okay, what's wrong?

- Nothing.

- Come on mom, what is it?

- You sure you don't
want to move back home?

I worry about you being
here all by yourself.

- I'm not by myself, mom.

Ray's here.

- Well how's stuff with Bob?

Have you talked to him yet?

- No.

I don't even know
how to talk to him.

The whole dynamic is just weird.

He keeps calling
me and texting me.

I haven't gotten back
to him or anything.

- Sorry.

- I know.

- It's lonely at
home without you.

- Is this about Todd
being snide again?

Shocker.

- [Elizabeth] Well I don't know.

You're my buddy, Kathryn.

I miss my buddy.

- Well you can sleep
over anytime you want.

There's a floral couch
in there with your name

written all over it.

- Great, thank you.

- You do realize though the
dog has to be sent away.

Sorry puppy.

[funky music]

[bell ringing]

- Hi, do you have
an appointment?

- No, I was hoping you
could just fit us in.

First date.

- Dad stop.

- Um, we are booked out
for the next 20 minutes,

but if you can wait, we'd
be happy to take you.

- Dad seriously,
I'm not 10 anymore.

- Please tell me
they grow out of it.

- Grow out of what?

- [Dad] The whole
kids not wanting

to hang out with
their dad thing.

Are we really that lame?

- I don't know if
I'm the best person

to be asking that question to.

- Why?

Please don't tell me you
never grew out of it.

- Well, I didn't really
have a dad growing up.

- Oh I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to pry.

- No, it's fine.

I'm fine.

- [Dad] Well I'm
sure you're a lovely

young woman regardless.

- Thanks.

- Can I get my nails done too?

- I'm always a
sucker for my kids.

[funky music]

- [Woman On TV] Thank you
Miss Gina La La Ladonia.

[phone buzzing]

- Hello roomie.

- Hey where are you?

- I'm doing sit ups.

I'm trying to get fit now.

- Oh, I'm assuming you're trying

to impress Erasmo Faustino
de Cupertino or whatever.

You like him.

You like him, Raymundo, and
you pretend you don't like him.

- No.

I'm gonna go out
for a smoke break.

10 crunches is a
good start, right?

- Not really.

- Getting up off the
couch made it 11.

So what's going on, roomie?

What's the problem?

- Raymundo, what's your take
on this whole Bob situation?

- Kathryn, you are so stubborn.

Bob is doing the best he
can to get to know you,

keeps calling and texting,
and you're not even responding

like a total diva bitch.

You're like Christina
Aguilera except not obese.

- I just don't want him
trying to get all close to me

as if we know one
another or something.

- Trust me it is better to have

a father come into your
life now than never.

And I would know.

My father ran away
from me the first time

I put on acrylic nails
and a pink feather boa.

Bob seems like a
really nice guy.

You need to give him a chance.

You have nothing to lose.

- Yeah, I guess.

- Kathryn, do you think
Erasmo is over me?

- I don't know, Raymundo.

Why don't you call him?

Have a little courage.

- [Raymundo] I can't.

Our love is forbidden.

- Why?

- There are forces out there
trying to keep us apart.

It's like Twilight.

- Raymundo, have you
been dipping your hand

into the margarita bin lately?

- Maybe that's why I'm so dizzy.

- That's probably it.

- Peter told me he's firing you,

so you should probably just
quit while you're ahead.

- I'm not quitting, and
he's not firing me, Beth.

- Whatever.

He's got his eye on you.

We all do.

We're ready to trim
the fat in this joint.

- Who's we all?

You know what
happened the last time

you tried to find an employee?

It didn't work out.

You can go away now.

I'm writing something.

Can you see that I'm busy?

[bell ringing]

[phone ringing]

- [Bob] Hello?

- Hey Bob, it's Kathryn.

- Hey, um look, I'd really
like to come see you.

- Yeah, I guess
that would be fine.

- [Bob] Awesome,
would Friday be okay?

Maybe we could meet for dinner.

- Actually my mom was coming
down on Friday for dinner.

- Really?

You know I would really
love to join you guys.

I mean do you want
me to come later?

Would that be weird?

- No, it's fine.

She's finally escaping
Todd's vicious clutches

for a few hours.

Thank God for small
miracles, you know?

- Well I would really
like to hang out

with you guys or whatever.

- Yeah, that would be fine.

- Awesome.

Actually, I would
like to talk to you

like one on one sometime.

- This isn't gonna
get too deep, is it?

Look I know you're
my biological father.

You would've loved me if
you would've known about me.

I hope you're not too fucked
up from it, blah, blah, blah.

Honestly, I'm okay with it.

I'm fine.

- Actually I just wanted to
drop off a gift I got for you.

- What like a
housewarming present?

- Yeah, something like that.

- Wow, looking like a
gentleman, not a scumbag

for the first time in your life.

Congratulations.

- Hey.

Good to see you.

- You too.

Place is shaping up nicely.

Oh, my sombrero.

So where's Ray?

- He's out with Gustav actually.

Nice shirt.

- Thanks, yeah I went shopping.

So what's going on with you?

- Same old, same old.

- What's that?

- Nothing.

- What is it?

- It's nothing.

- Oh come on, what is it?

- It's a play.

- Oh wow, your play, cool.

- Yeah but who knows if I'll
ever completely finish it.

I've never been very
confident or diligent I guess.

- Well you should be confident.

You're funny, you're
smart, and I'm sure

once you get into
something you're diligent.

- It's like kind of like
nothing ever sticks with me.

The second I find
something I'm good at,

the screw up follows in suit.

- Don't worry about screwing
things up once in awhile.

Life turns out the
way it's supposed

to in the end anyway.

- Do you honestly believe that?

- I do.

- Anyway, how's everything else?

How's business?

No more overflow disasters?

- No, no more overflows.

But speaking of that, I
brought you something.

- It's pink.

- Yes, it is.

Open it.

- Okay.

Wow.

Bob, you didn't have to.

It's too much.

It's even more than the one
I was wearing at the time.

- Don't worry about that.

I wanted to.

I tried to get one that
looked like the one

you had before,
but the sales lady

said it was out of season.

Whatever that means.

I hope you like it anyway.

- Truthfully, I do.

- You know I've never been
in a store like that before.

I was almost afraid
to touch anything.

They probably
through I was weird.

- I'm sure they didn't.

Anyway, so about Friday,
my mom and Ray and I

were planning to go
our around seven.

- Okay.

Oh hey, how 'bout we
make Friday my treat?

I'll pick out the
restaurant and everything.

You don't have to bring
anything, just yourselves.

- Okay, just tell
me where to be.

- Great.

Well it's getting late.

I should probably head out.

I've got a lot of
service calls tomorrow.

Last ones in LF oddly enough.

- Cool, just let me know
if they have a gold can.

- I will.

[laughing]

Hey not to be nosy,
but would you mind

if I took that
copy of your play?

I'd love to read it.

I'm a big reader.

- Um, okay.

But it's fictional, so
just keep that in mind.

- Yeah, of course it is.

I can't wait to read it.

- [Kathryn] Her dress is
ruffled with heart detail.

It looks great on her.

The ice clinks in her
glass of vodka cranberry,

a necessary poison for making it

through the country club event.

She parts her lips and blows
out her cigarette smoke.

She approaches some
random party guests.

[blow dryer blowing]

[phone beeping]

[phone beeping]

- Who are you talking to?

- A friend, I gotta go.

- Where?

- Out.

- You're going out?

- Yep.

- Cheeseburger,
Cheeseburger, Cheeseburger,

your fries, chips,
and your Pepsi Coke.

Double cheese the best.

♪ Bad kids

♪ Bad kids

- Thanks for coming out.

I'm glad we could get together.

- Are you wearing new clothes?

- Yeah, it's a new wardrobe.

- You look great.

Wow, a whole new you.

- Thanks.

- You have like a
beautiful soul, pretty.

- That's like the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.

- You should hang out
with better people.

- Hi baby.

Oh I hope this works.

- Me too.

Come on Cubs.

- Bartender.

- Bartender.

- We need some shots.

- Two, three.

- Four.

[laughing]

♪ We're gonna wind up dead.

- Okay, I will do the tough guy.

♪ A bad kid

♪ Bad kids

♪ Bad kids

- I would rather have my eye
removed with a dull spoon.

[laughing]

♪ Hey

- I wanna give you
a little swoop.

- I got it cut the other
day, and the hairdresser said

she said that I was losing
it, my hair, not my mind.

- You have like a lot of hair.

- [Bob] That's what I
said, and she said the top.

Look at the top, is it balding?

- Oh yeah.
- I wanna see what she saved.

Can I see it?

- No, oh it's so embarrassing.

- Oh come on, don't be a sissy.

- Okay.

- Okay.

- Come on.

- Okay.

Whoa.

[laughing]

Thank you bar man.

- [Elizabeth] Thank
you for the shots.

- I believe this is
your horrible '80s

not glass, yellow slipper shoe.

- I can't believe you
saved it, thank you.

- I feel like an idiot.

- [Elizabeth] Why?

- One night stand
guy, 25 years ago,

didn't get married,
saved your shoe.

I look kind of pathetic.

- I think you look
like the sweetest guy

I've ever met.

- Really?

- Really.

[alarm ringing]

[phone buzzing]

- Where'd the shoe come from?

- What shoe?

- This hideous yellow
shoe you tried to hide

under the bed.

- I wasn't hiding it.

- Why'd you see Bob last night?

- Why'd you go through my phone?

- Dinner still at seven?

[rock music]

- [Raymundo] I absolutely
love the bling bling.

- I feel like it's a bit much.

- Well it is a bit much,
honey, but it's supposed

to be a bit much.

- Wait, is this
restaurant that fancy.

- Look at this, darling.

Sit down.

- Damn, I'm going the wrong way.

- You're not going
the wrong way.

Just sit.

- This purse is ugly.

- It's not.

The bling, bling is
fierce by the way.

- I look like a dog.
- No, you don't, stop it.

- Woof, woof.

- No, you look fine.

[classical guitar music]

- Hey, I didn't know
you were coming.

- Last minute decision, Bob.

[classical guitar music]

Where's the table?

[classical guitar music]

- Smell that.

[laughing]

- So what time is
everyone else coming?

- I think they should
be here like now.

- Are you excited?

[speaking in a foreign language]

- I'm Raymundo.

- Hey honey.

[classical guitar music]

Hey Bob.

- [Bob] Good to see you.

- [Raymundo] I still
have your sombrero, boo.

- [Bob] Oh I thought
I forgot something.

- [Kathryn] What
are you doing here?

- What was I not invited?

- Not exactly.

- Hey Kathryn, you're
wearing the dress.

It looks great.

- Yeah, thanks, thank you.

- It looks beautiful, honey.

That was really
thoughtful of you, Bob.

- So Kathryn did
you find a job yet?

- I already have a job,
and I wasn't looking

for a new one.

- Well we can't pay
half your rent forever.

It's time for you to be on
your own and independent.

- What's in the bag, Bob?

- Well Kathryn, I
really loved your play,

and I got really excited.

So I went, and I had it bound.

I had 'em make it look just like

an actual play, like it's
official or something.

I made a few copies.

- Do you mind if I see this?

- Yes, actually I do
mind if you look at that.

- I assume this is
about you and him.

- That's private.

I didn't say you
could read that.

- [Todd] Oh, that's so cute.

- Come on, man.

- Why would you go
ahead and make copies

without even asking me?

- I was just proud of you.

- Proud of me?

How could you be proud of
somebody you barely even know?

- Kathryn, is this your way of
trying to find your identity?

- Mom, the fact that
you are still with him

really shows where
your loyalties lie.

- Kathryn, calm down.

I think you're overreacting.

No Raymundo, I'm not.

- I'm sorry, I just thought
it was a cool idea for a gift.

- Well it's not
cool, and I'm having

a really hard time
trying to wrap

my head around why you're
trying to play daddy to me

after 25 years of nonexistence.

- You won't give me a chance.

You're so hard and defensive.

Not everyone is out to get you.

- Okay so what, so we've
made this discovery.

What do you want to save me?

You think you're gonna fix me,

make me a new person?

Get real.

I told you that play
was fucking fiction.

Real life doesn't have so
bullshit fairytale ending, Bob.

- No, it doesn't,
but it doesn't have

to be as shitty as you make it.

You're the one making
yourself miserable.

- Okay, I get it.

I get that you're
some lonely guy

looking for companionship,
but you're not gonna

find it with me, okay?

We're just too different.

I am who I am, and you're
not gonna change me.

And this whole situation
isn't gonna change me.

Do you wanna know why
my play is fiction

'cause in the end people
always disappoint you.

That's the reality.

That's the real life ending.

And this is the real ending.

I'm leaving.

You can have your play, and
you can enjoy your dinner, mom.

Shit!

- Kathryn, Kathryn,
stop Kathryn.

- [Kathryn] No.

[classical guitar music]

[waiter speaking in
a foreign language]

[sad music]

[fingers snapping]

[sad music]

- You raised a great kid, Lizzy.

- How was dinner?

- Ask her.

[Kathryn and Raymundo yelling]

[Gustav speaking in
a foreign language]

- Should I be scared?

- [Gustav] Knee bop.

- Be very afraid.

- [Gustav] Moop, mop.

Bing, bang, bong, bing, boom.

I miss home.

[phone ringing]

- Hello.

- Hey.

[laughing]

[coughing]

Guess what, I got my fucking
handicap parking permit today.

[laughing]

I called my doc and told
him I was too fat to walk

which is you know kinda true.

But now, I get all the
great parking spaces, man.

I don't have to worry about
those fucking parking meters.

This is like Christmas.

Hello?

Bob, are you there?

Dumb ass.

- He's a complete loser.

- He's Kathryn's father, Todd.

[sad rock music]

♪ Over the undertow she cries

♪ Under the overthrow of life

♪ Every night's a whisper
calling from a distant life ♪

♪ Every words a razor cutting
through another time ♪

♪ Taking it all away

♪ Burning the light of day

♪ Taking it all away

- What it's portion control.

♪ Taking it all away

♪ Burning the light of day

♪ Taking it all away

[Kathryn humming]

- [Kathryn] I hate everybody.

- Do you want to come
to the gym with me?

- Do I look like I want
to go to a fuckin' gym?

- You know this moping
around, depressed shit

is really getting old, Kathryn.

Your room looks like
a fucking meth den.

- My room doesn't
look like a meth den.

It looks like a
safe house, okay.

I would know.

My Bulgarian college
roommate took me

to one when I was 20.

I thought she meant we
were going to a hotel.

I was very, very wrong.

- Whatever.

Here's the copy of my demo.

- Raymundo's Amazing
Demo Cassette.

- [Raymundo] And you know it.

- Do some extra
sit ups for Erasmo.

- I'm not doing them for him.

I'm doing them for me.

I wanna be an inspiration
for other fat people.

- In all honesty, I
actually really do think

that fat people
are gonna see you

and want to change their lives.

- Really?

- Um hmm.

- Well in that case.

Bye.

- Raymundo, I've been
in there forever.

Let me come with you.

[rock music]

♪ It's like what am
I supposed to do ♪

♪ When I look to the sky
it's like am I doing ♪

♪ What I'm supposed to do

♪ What I'm supposed to do

♪ Will I ever feel how
it feels to fly away ♪

♪ Fly away

♪ If my friends wanna
stay on the ground ♪

♪ How could I just fly away

♪ Fly away

♪ Am I doing what
I'm supposed to do ♪

♪ 'Cause I feel like
I'm meant to fly away ♪

♪ 'Cause I feel like
I'm meant fly away ♪

♪ I think I'm doing what
I'm supposed to do ♪

- [Raymundo] Get
over yourself, honey.

Make up, it's not worth it.

Hurray before you turn
into Christina Aguilera.

And yes, your ass
is getting bigger

from all that shit
you're eating.

Love you, XOXO Raymundo.

♪ Now the same people love
to brag on where I go, go ♪

♪ Shoot for the stars, but
tomorrow's where they won't go ♪

♪ Live for today and hope
tomorrow where I'm going, ♪

♪ Bro word

♪ Now time to fly away

♪ Fly away

♪ Fly away

♪ Fly away

- You're quiet.

Please don't tell me
you're still moping

because of the blow
up in the restaurant.

Can we talk about
something or someone else?

You know humor me for
a minute, Elizabeth.

Tell me after Bob showed
up, what did you expect?

- I expected nothing.

I was hoping the situation
would fix itself.

Yeah, poor Kathryn,
poor Bob, poor you.

What about me?

What about my needs?

And what is this, the
plumber's influence?

You think you're some sort
of a humanitarian now?

Blue collar, do you
realize the embarrassment

you've caused me?

I've had to sacrifice
my reputation for you,

you and that bastard child!

- How dare you?

- [Todd] She's not my kid!

- No, she's not,
and she never was.

I'm gonna walk out that door,

and don't you dare
try to stop me!

- Stop.

- Don't touch me!

- She's crazy.

- Out of wedlock,
pregnant Lake Forest girl.

What will your parents say?

- Um, they would kill me.

- Or it.

- Courtney that's so evil.

You have to realize
they're gonna

make you get rid of it, right?

- I don't even know
if I'm pregnant.

[Courtney laughing]

[rap music]

- Oh my God, your room
looks so good, girl.

It's like you went to rehab,
and it actually worked.

Go Britney.

- Thanks for the note.

- You're welcome.

You just need to snap out of it.

You know I wrote it out of love.

I love you, roomie.

- I love you too.

Oh God, you really
need a shower.

- Well now you know how I felt
for the past couple of weeks.

Down.

Kathryn, can I
tell you something?

- Sure.

- You are exactly like Bob.

You're funny.

You have an open heart,
down to earth, accepting.

You just need to
reach out to him.

I know that somewhere deep
down inside you love him.

- I wouldn't go that far yet.

- You don't have
to pretend with me.

I'm your friend.

What are you thinking?

And be honest.

- I think he's sweet.

I think he's sweet,
and he's kind,

and he's accepting
me the way that I am,

and I know I'm not
the easiest person.

- Girl, and?

- And I guess I love him
in a way almost definitely.

He's not a bad guy.

- No, he's not, but
do you want to know

what is bad?

- What I'm afraid to ask.

- When the line to get
into Side Track is so long

that you pee your pants.

And then when you
go to take a step,

you can hear the pee
squishing in your shoes.

- Oh my God, Raymundo
that is gross, ew.

- Okay, okay.

- So did you talk to Erasmo yet?

- I don't know.

I just can't anymore.

He probably hates me anyway.

- He doesn't.

- Don't try to make
me feel better.

- [Kathryn] It's
true he doesn't.

- And how do you know?

- Because I called him at work.

He got a job at FFC.

- What?

[speaking in a foreign language]

Who told you this?

- John.

- Child, John was sober
enough to even speak?

- Yes, barely.

I couldn't understand
much, but he's taking you

to Las Manunitas at
8:30, so go get ready.

- Oh my God, is he
picking me up here?

- [Kathryn] Yes.

- Thank you so much.

I love you, roomie.

- I love you too, run.

- Hey, can I borrow your car?

- Yes, and don't forget
the cassette tape music

for the road.

- Does it come with earplugs?

- Oh you're gonna be
sorry you said that

when I'm accepting
my Latin Grammy.

- Should I be
worried about Gustav

popping up in the backseat?

- Kathryn, you in danger, girl.

[laughing]

- Oh great, thanks a lot.

- Okay now, one more
time in Espangle.

[Kathryn speaking in
a foreign language]

We'll work on your
pronunciation later.

[door knocking]

- Hi.

- It's all in the wrist.

Not my wrist.

Not my wrist.

[rap music]

♪ Some say there's
only so many times ♪

♪ A man's lost for words

[door knocking]

- [Kathryn] Bob.

[door knocking]

Bob?

♪ Times a man's lost

♪ If you can hear
me, just listen ♪

[door knocking]

- Who could that be?

I'll be right back.

- Okay. ♪ When a broke
man for his pappy. ♪

- [Bob] No cheating.

♪ Then again pops wasn't rich

♪ Moms was part time and
grams lost her head ♪

- Hi.

What are you doing here?

- I don't exactly
know where to start,

but I just came here
to tell you that I'm

really, really sorry for the way

that I've been treating you.

I know you're just
trying to help,

and I don't even care.

It wasn't even about
the copies of the play.

I'm just fucked up.

I skip out on therapy
sessions all the time clearly.

Just I hate Dr. Moskowitz.

He's so smug, and he smells.

And why should I
tell him my feelings.

Who really needs
his advice anyway?

Not me.

- You're not that fucked up.

- [Kathryn] I am.

- No, you're not.

- It's just been a
little weird for me

that after all
these years you came

out of thin air.

I never expected
for this happen.

There was no logic.

So I completely freaked
out, and I pushed you away.

I just came here to tell you
that I think you're great.

I think you're perfect actually.

I'm just gonna go
out on a limb here.

This isn't something I've
said to pretty much anyone

before but I love you.

Maybe I do want the
fairytale ending.

Maybe it's real.

- I love you too.

- You're not angry with me?

- I only have one daughter.

I really can't be
too pissed at you.

- I missed you.

- I missed you too.

For the record, I think
you're an awesome kid.

I'm the luckiest guy
alive that you're mine.

- [Elizabeth] Bob, who
are you talking to?

- Mom, what are you doing here?

- I got into a big
fight with Todd.

It's over.

- Wow, you're not
going back at all?

Oh no, he's gonna take half
of everything, isn't he?

- All my money is in a trust
that only your name is on.

- [Kathryn] What
about the house?

- His name isn't on it.

I had an ironclad prenup.

I wasn't that dumb.

- Phew, my heart was
beating really fast

for a second there.

That was scary.

- Thank God.

Well hey, come on in.

We're playing quarters
in the kitchen.

- Quarters seriously?

I feel like I am back in the
college I dropped out of.

Remember how happy you
were with that bill?

- Yeah.

- This is weird by
the way the three

of us together like this.

- I don't know.

I think I could get used to it.

- Me too.

- This is a very nice property.

It was built in 1960.

- It's--

- It's a little out
of your price range.

- Daddy, this is awful.

It's so small.

You can't live like this.

- I know I can't.

I don't have a choice Cassandra.

I'll take it.

- Great.

- Hey, good to see ya.

I didn't know we
had a showing today.

- Looks like you got
yourself a buyer.

- Hey.

- Oh Mr. O'Link, I saw
your daughter's play

at Victory, and I loved it.

Do you know I was
adopted, and I found

my biological mother
when I was 30.

So it really hit close home.

- Thanks that's great to hear.

I'll make sure she knows.

- Elizabeth, hi.

- Enjoy pal.

[keys tingling]

Hey.

- Hi, I got you a present.

- You did?

- Yeah, open it.

Pink tissue.

[Bob laughing]

- That's awesome.

- I'm glad you like it.

- Thank you.

- I love you, dad.

- I love you too.

Hey you.

- Hi mommy.

- Hi.

Oh, so sweet.

- What up?

- Oh hey, Gustav.

I didn't know you were coming.

- Who the hell is Gustav?

I'm Pat Jones.

- Hi Pat.

- [Pat] Hi.

- Where's your beard?

- Drinks.

- [Kathryn, Elizabeth, Bob] Hey.

- Thanks Raymundo.

- Who's Raymundo?

That's Ray, Ray.

- Ray, Ray?

- Hey um, Bob, there's
a white couch in there,

and Latin guy made hummus.

So sorry.
- Oh Phil.

- Ew.

- No, Ray, Ray, don't
doo-doo, boo-boo, boo.

- You need to get
that checked out.

- Do you got any extra
napkins I could--

- A napkin's not
gonna do it, Phil.

- Table cloth?

I mean what?

- Maybe a beach towel.

- [Phil] Beach towel?

- No, we have to
call that company

that cleans up crime scenes.

- [Elizabeth] You
should just keep it.

- Yeah, it's like
Cold Case Files.

- Just keep it?

- Just keep the couch, Phil.

- Really?

[laughing]

Hey, I get to keep the couch!

- [Raymundo] Oh God.

- He gets to keep a
shit stained couch.

- Disgusting.

- I want a couch.

- What do you think
about a movie version

of Kathryn Upside Down?

I think that would
be pretty funny.

What about you, Zoe?

Do you want to go to Hollywood?

♪ We are young and
we are fearless ♪

♪ We are bold, and
we are tearless ♪

♪ I love it in the city
as I drink my coffee ♪

♪ I love the city in January

♪ Her lips part and the
smoke invites itself in ♪

♪ She starts to feel a spark

♪ But doesn't know
where to begin ♪

♪ But we are young
and we are fearless ♪

♪ We are bold, but
we are tearless ♪

♪ We are born with this
hypocritical shit ♪

♪ Dispense the pills,
end it all quick ♪