Original subtitles

Do you think this is right?

Well, Mr K said to meet Nikhil here, so I guess so.

Do we really need another person?

Well, apparently it's a big job today,

and Nikhil is supposed to be the best.

So we need to be totally focussed.

Totally.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Good.

You hungry, Fran?

Um, a bit I guess, yeah. A little bit.

I made you an egg sandwich.

I dread to think how long that's been sweating in that glove box.

Made it specially for you, so you might just wanna have a bite.

Go on, have a bite.

(SQUELCH)

(LAUGHS)

Ooh. I love April Fool's!

Of course you do. It's basically Christmas for idiots.

There is a lot more where that came from.

- Yeah. - I've got the fly in the ice cube...

Remember the glasses and the moustache and...

- Yeah. - Oh, my! And a whoopee cushion.

Obvs. Er, we've got the fake gun.

Jamie, that's a real gun.

Oh. Er... Oh.

Bang! (LAUGHS)

- "Bang." Ohh. - Look, can you just stop?

I need this to go well. The rest of my life's a total mess.

Dare I ask, how is that Joao situation?

Actually, it's... it's improved. It's sort of sorted now, really.

We've agreed that, um, he's gonna keep the flat

and I get the sofa.

Unfortunately the sofa's in the flat and he's got the keys, but...

- I mean... - Sounds a bit tricky, mate, but...

Do you know what? Change can actually be a really good thing.

You know, like I've changed from brushing my teeth

to just popping a few Smints.

I won't lie, I had noticed that difference.

I want to make a deal with you. You cut yourself some slack

and I'll start brushing my teeth.

- Yeah? - Great. Deal.

- (BUZZ) - Ow! What?

(LAUGHS)

Just stop it. No more pranks. Please.

Right, um, do you think that's him?

God, he looks terrifying.

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING CONTINUES)

(CRACK)

Open door!

- Open the fucking door! - Open the door.

(DOOR SLIDES OPEN)

(THUD)

(BREATHES HEAVILY)

Good morning.

I am Nikhil.

(CONTINUES BREATHING HEAVILY)

BOTH: Good morning, Nikhil.

So, um, what about you, Nikhil? Um...

- Is there a Mrs Nikhil? - Dead.

God, I'm so sorry. Um...

- Kids? - Dead.

- Pets? - Two gerbils.

- Aw, that's nice. - Both dead.

(INHALES, EXHALES DEEPLY)

One target down.

- Only seven more. - Seven?!

Our witness in court case.

We hit all by tomorrow morning.

Nikhil, if you're hungry...

- (WHISPERING) Jamie, no. No. - 'Cos I've got, um,

a really delicious egg sandwich with your name on.

(MUNCHING)

OK, target number two in flat over wall.

(DEATH METAL PLAYS THROUGH HEADPHONES)

- Hm. That's a big wall. - Big wall.

- (MUSIC STOPS) - What's the plan?

Well, I think you should give me a leg up.

Oh, I gave you a leg up last time.

Er, no, you didn't 'cos I distinctly remember I gave you a leg up

when you'd trodden in dog shit and it was all over my hands.

Oh, yeah. Let's play a game.

I'm gonna think of a person and if you can guess who I'm thinking of,

- then I will give you the leg up. - That's ridiculous.

- Why? - Because it's like

- a one in seven billion chance I'll get it right. - OK, we'll narrow it down to...

- the people in this van. - Fine.

- Is it me? - Wait, I'm not ready yet.

OK, go.

- Is it me? - Yes.

Yes, it is me.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)

- (MUSIC STOPS) - Done. We go now.

(WHISPERING) I didn't even know he left the van.

(WHISPERING) He's incredible.

(WHISPERING) Incredible at killing people, maybe.

(WHISPERING) But I bet he can't guess who I'm thinking of.

- One who look like weakling schoolboy. - (CHUCKLES)

(DEATH METAL PLAYS THROUGH HEADPHONES)

- Does he mean me? - (WHISPERING) Yeah.

(WHISPERING) Wow. He's good.

(ENGINE STARTS)

(SPLASH)

- Nice work. - No touch.

- Sorry. - (MOBILE PHONE VIBRATING)

- I should get this. - I check body go down.

Mr K?

Yeah, no, we're up and running.

Nikhil? Very efficient. Mm.

Er, yeah. I mean, Jamie's really busy doing, um...

er, stuff. Yeah, she's... she's super on it. Um,

yeah, I'll check in when we're done.

OK.

Are you going to do anything today?

- I've come up with the perfect way to trick him. - I mean, anything useful.

One Martini, extra fly.

- I don't think he's gonna see that coming. - Jamie, you've got to stop this, it's embarrassing.

We're starting to work like professionals for once

- and if you can't help, then just don't get in the way. - Fine.

So, where to next, Nikhil?

(LOUD FART)

It's a whoopee cushion.

Next location, security camera here, here and here.

We go in back way. Bang, bang, bang. You cover me.

- Sounds like a plan. - (VEHICLE APPROACHES)

What about me?

- You wait here. - (DOORS CLOSE)

Fran. We going for that drink or what?

- What? So you just abandon me in the middle of nowhere again? - Oh, come on.

Looks like that long Highland hike did you good.

Yeah. That's probably the stone I lost due to crippling diarrhoea

from drinking from a stream. But... thanks.

Go away.

Who's your friend

and what's with his frickin' do?

That's Nikhil. Mr K asked us to work with him today.

Wow.

The Nikhil.

So Mr K sent you a babysitter. That's adorable.

Yeah, uh... We don't... Well, he's not a babysitter.

I mean, we've got a lot of work on so...

- Does he give you a snack after school? - (LAUGHS)

Does he read you a bedtime story?

(LAUGHS) Yeah, does he read you a bedtime story?

- I just said that, Charles. - Oh, yeah. Does he like...

record the story on audiobook maybe?

- It's the same thing, Charles. - Yep.

Final warning.

Hey, Jamie, who's this?

(IMITATES NIKHIL) Final warning.

(LAUGHS) That is so Nikhil.

Charles is a very gifted impressionist.

(IMITATES NIKHIL) Final warning. I am big, scary man

- with mullet and muscles... - Charles, grow up, we're working.

(IMITATES FRAN) Charles, grow up, we're working.

- Argh! - Hey!

Please! I have a really delicate trachea!

- Apologise to schoolboy lady. - Who?

He means me, but it's... it's a sign of respect.

I'm sorry. (GRUNTS)

Sorry, Fran! Sorry, Fran!

- (CHOKING) - Probably enough.

(GRUNTS)

- Ready to work? - Let's do it.

[STEVIE WONDER: For Once in My Life]

? For once in my life ?

? I have someone who needs me ?

- ? Someone I've needed so long ? - (SILENCED PISTOL FIRES)

? For once unafraid ?

? I can go where life leads me ?

? Somehow I know I'll be strong ?

- ? For once I can touch ? - (WHOOPEE CUSHION FARTS)

? What my heart used to dream of ?

? Long before I knew ?

? Oh, someone warm like you ?

? Would make my dream come true ?

? Yeah, yeah, yeah ?

? For once in my life ?

? I won't let sorrow hurt me ?

? Not like it's hurt me before ?

? For once I have something ?

? I know won't desert me ?

- ? I'm not alone any more ? - (GUNSHOT)

? For once I can say ?

? This is mine, you can't take it ?

? As long as I know... ?

Ahh!

Ooh.

(FIRE CRACKLING)

(SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE)

I can't believe how smoothly today's gone.

Makes a nice change, to be honest with you.

Cool.

From now on, we will work together.

- (COUGHS LIGHTLY) - Mr K tell me look you and Jamie,

choose new partner. I choose you.

I... didn't realise that was a...

Um... I'm very flattered.

What about Jamie?

She take break.

Play with toys another place.

- I don't know... - Trust me.

Is better for her,

is very better for you.

(DOG BARKING)

What?

Why are you trying to be like Nikhil?

- I'm not. - (SIGHS)

You know he's a proper nut-job, yeah?

You saw what he did to Charles.

I just can't wait for today to be over

and for us to get back to normal.

Fran?

- Have you ever thought about taking a break? - What do you mean?

Oh, you know, you could spend some more time on your...

... pranks, and maybe I could...

go and work with Nikhil.

So...

You and Nikhil?

Is this an April Fool's joke?

No, Jamie, it's not.

Perhaps you should just mix it up a bit.

You know, I do my thing and you do your thing.

- Still be best mates. - (SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

Mr K give me next target location. We go now.

Do you know what, Nikhil? Why don't you just sit up here?

- Yeah? - Jamie. Jamie.

- I warmed your seat for you. - Jamie, please, don't be...

(EXHALES)

(CLATTERING)

Drive.

(DEATH METAL PLAYS THROUGH HEADPHONES)

You come with me.

- You... - I know, I know. Wait here.

(DOOR SLAMS)

(DOOR SLAMS)

Why would the target be here?

No guns.

(SAWING)

(SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT) Hello, Fran.

Christiaan Krige.

AKA...

Mr K.

Do we shake or do we kiss?

Best of both worlds, eh?

- So, you and Nikhil. - (SAWING CONTINUES)

- Yes, very exciting. - (WHIRRING)

Kan julle stop met die fokken geraas?!

I'm trying to have a fucking meeting here!

Cards on the table.

I'm looking to streamline.

- The pound is not what it was. - (BANGING)

- Small businessmen such as myself... - (BANGING CONTINUES)

... are having to tighten our belts.

I won't fucking tell you again!

(INHALES)

I was thinking of dropping you and your partner.

But then Nikhil lost his number two last week...

attack of conscience, such a shame...

so you're in luck.

Well, I... I... can't wait to get started.

Well, then, congratulations!

I suppose the only thing now

is for you to do a bit of streamlining of your own.

(SAWING CONTINUES)

Tie up the loose end.

Sorry, um, loose end's not quite...

Yes, what's-her-name? Jamie.

Jamie?

No, you can't...

Do we have a problem here?

No, there's no problem.

Lekker.

Could you boys show a bit more sensitivity

when I'm having a meeting?

You are so embarrassing!

We go now.

(DEATH METAL PLAYS THROUGH HEADPHONES)

Usual place, yes?

Then we...

(WHISPERING) Jamie.

- (WHISPERING) Jamie. - (WHISPERING) We're not talking.

(WHISPERING) Jamie, you really, really, really need to listen to me.

Jamie.

(MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO)

? Jamie, you're in danger ?

? Mr K has ordered me to kill you... ?

What?!

I love this one. It's amazing.

Really, really good, actually. It's a banger.

? Ahhhh! ?

? Hoo-hoo-hooo ?

(HUMS ALONG TO RADIO)

(SONG ON RADIO CONTINUES)

? Don't speak, you'll attract his attention ?

? Just look as if you're singing the song ?

? Ooooh, you're the one that I want ?

? I'll meet you on the downtown train ?

? That's great, but ideally you'd stick to the subject at hand ?

? OK, we're gonna drive to the usual spot ?

? And then you'll behave as everything's cool ?

? And then on my command I'll give you a signal ?

? The perfect signal ?

? OK, Fran, then what? ?

? I don't know ?

? But what I do know is that I will come through for you ?

? I've got all that it takes to win out ?

? And that's we will do, we will do it together ?

? Just me and you ?

- ? Fran? ? - ? What? ?

- ? I'm scared ? - ? Me too ?

? I'm shitting myself ?

(SONG CONTINUES ON RADIO)

(CLEARS THROAT)

(MUSIC STOPS)

This time we all go.

So where's the target?

- (GUN COCKS) - Fran.

No, no, no, no! No!

I should do it.

(GUN COCKS)

I'm really sorry, Jamie.

No more talk. Just shoot.

You're the boss. Run, Jamie! Run!

(GUNSHOT)

- Aarrgghh! - (RAPID GUNFIRE)

Shit, he must have a bullet proof vest on.

(RAPID GUNFIRE)

(EXHALES)

Aarrgghh!

(GUNSHOTS)

- I'm almost out. - Me too.

We need to get to the van.

There's a spare gun in there.

Argh! (GROANS)

(YORKSHIRE ACCENT) Fucking hell! You shot my fucking foot!

I thought you were Russian or something?

I'm from Doncaster!

Who would you hire,

Nikhil from Kiev or Nicholas from Mexborough?

That makes sense.

- The voice, the wig... - The what?!

Come on, mate. You're not fooling anyone.

You nasty bastards!

Argh! (GROANS)

Yes.

Oh!

- Fran. - Get the gun, Jamie! Quickly, go!

(PANTING)

(GRUNTS) Argh! My foot! Arrgghh!

Ow!

Jamie, he's coming!

(WHIMPERS)

(GRUNTS)

Ta-ra, duck.

April Fool's.

(EXHALES)

(EXHALES)

How's the leg?

I'll live.

This is crazy.

I know, right?

I'm terrified.

But also so excited I'm going to be sick.

It's Madame Tussauds all over again.

I can't believe we're on the run.

Where are we gonna go?

Don't know. I mean,

- anywhere we just blend in, I guess. - Japan.

I should get rid of this, you know?

Mr K will be able to track us.

(MOBILE PHONE VIBRATING)

- Oh, God, it's Liz. - Good luck.

(MOBILE PHONE CONTINUES VIBRATING)

Liz.

- Fran. - Liz.

You still playing hard to get

or do you wanna stop fucking around and grab that drink tonight?

Can't tonight, I'm afraid.

- We're off on holiday. - Interesting.

- Where? - Not Japan.

Er, not that Japan isn't nice, but not Japan.

We don't know.

I really hope you're around when I get back.

Me too.

Bye, Fran.

Fran, are we gonna be OK?

Of course we are.

We'll stick together, we've got each other.

Aw.

You know...

you really need to start brushing because those Smints

just aren't cutting it. They really aren't.

(CHUCKLES) Don't laugh, it makes it worse.

- (LAUGHS) - It's disgusting.

Mr K, it's me, your number one.

It's Liz.

Liz and Charles Liz.

We got the location.

We'll get on their tail.

I'll call you when it's done.

- Let's move, Charles! - Yes, mamacita.

[ARCADE FIRE: Rebellion (Lies)]

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0