Original subtitles

♪ A, B, C, D, E, F, G ♪

♪ It's as simple as can be ♪

♪ All together sing with me ♪

♪ A, B, C, D, E, F, G ♪

♪ H, I, J, K, I, M, N, O, P ♪

♪ Bring it low and swing it free ♪

♪ Come on scholar starting to holler ♪

♪ H, I, J, K, I, M, N, O, P ♪

♪ Life can be so easy ♪

♪ School can be a treat ♪

♪ When you do your lessons ♪

♪ With a solid great old beat ♪

♪ A, B, C, D, E, F, G ♪

♪ H, I, J, K, I, M, N, O, P ♪

♪ I, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T ♪

♪ U, V, W, X, Y, Z ♪

- This is the noble pile of Eton,

the college upon whose playing fields the Battle of Waterloo

was won so decisively that they were allowed

to keep the cannon as a prize,

even though they didn't win it three years running.

Besides the peaceful waters of old Father Tim's,

Eton has turned out many famous oarsmen.

As well as several others who were turned out

because their fathers hadn't paid the fees.

High upon a hill is Eton's greatest rival Harrow,

Harrow on the Hill, which has produced

some of England's most illustrious cricket captains,

and others of almost equal importance,

such as prime ministers.

One of the greatest achievements of a Harrovian

is his transformation of the ordinary straw hat

so that it fits into the majestic

glory and beauty of the wide screen.

This brings us to what is perhaps

the greatest public school of them all.

This is the historic edifice of St. Fanny's,

which like those others has its own traditional game.

- Pay for sure monsieur, round and round the wheel goes,

where it'll stop nobody knows.

Place your bets.

- Two times.

- Four almost.

- Three reds.

- Double your stakes. - Double your stakes.

- Hard luck chaps.

- Come on, give us some more chips.

- Hey, it isn't fair, he's a cheat.

- Quiet!

Have to raise my voice?

Cardew.

This is gonna hurt me far more than it's gonna hurt you.

- Oo, oo!

- Think of it.

16 years at St. Fanny's and you don't know anything

about William the Conqueror.

Well everybody knows he came from Normandy.

When did he arrive in England?

- I didn't know he'd left.

- I beg your pardon?

- I didn't know he left.

- Don't be silly, didn't know he left?

Well he's been here, he loves it here.

You'll find his initials all over the place,

mostly on doors.

- Sir, is it right that you can't be hanged twice

for the same offense?

- Quite right Cardew, that would be jurisprudence

wouldn't it?

That's where my Rebecca's been.

In future use your own books.

- Cardew what is a circle?

- Why sir, don't you know?

- I don't know do you, what is it?

- Well a circle's a blob of nothing

with a ring round it.

- That's very good, very good indeed.

You ought to be careful Cardew,

you'll be passing out of this school

before you can say Charlie.

Fanshaw, what do you know about Julius Caesar?

- Why, he was the strongest man in history.

- Really, why?

- It says in my history book

he threw a bridge across the Thames.

- Hello?

St. Fanny's is in, yes, Jankers here, Dr Jankers BA.

No, BA, A, BA, that's it, BA yes.

- BA, big 'earted I should think so.

I've got the latest prices for you doctor.

It's the board of directors.

How are you Sir Walpole, you all right?

Go ahead with Julius Caesar will you?

- He's on Julius Caesar.

- He don't know we've fixed that one.

- Julius Caesar landed in 55 B.C.

- That's right Julius Caesar, 55, quite right, yeah.

- Julius Caesar, 55?

Okay, doc, you're on.

- 55 nicker?

Splashing out a bit isn't he?

He must be embezzling the school prize money again.

I think I'll take a gander through the books

and tot up how much the old fool owes us.

- That you Cardew I'm disappointed.

You don't throw a bomb like that.

Let me give you a little instruction.

Now first of all you fill your bomb, you see

with destructive material and you have it ready.

Now in the last war our boys didn't go over there

throwing bombs around indiscriminately.

No, no, they used a thing called topography,

which is pinpointing, you see what I mean?

Get we'll say a longitude of 65.4, you got that?

Yes, now a latitude of 93.2, have you got that?

Your bomb's ready, bombs away.

Big improvement.

Watch what you're doing, won't you look where you're going?

You're the new boy aren't you?

- Yes sir.

- Yeah, what's your name?

- Hay.

- Don't say hey when you address me,

say I beg your pardon, now what is your name?

- I beg your pardon.

- You heard, what's your first name?

- Charlie. - Charlie?

- Yes, that's right Charlie Hay.

- Charlie Hay, how are you Charlie, nice to see you.

Tell the Matron I want her will you?

- Yes sir.

- Charlie boy, Charlie boy.

- Hi that looks heavy, what's in it?

- Mind your own business.

Just a few calories to keep me going.

- You don't look starved.

- Oo, it's all carbohydrates,

you know they've got no proper diet sheet here.

I usually follow Gayedogs Hauser myself.

- I'm out here for the Waterloo Cup, who sent you this?

- My uncle Adrian.

- He's a bit of a gourmet.

- Is he?

I'd keep it dark if I were you.

You don't want a thing like that to get around the school.

You know how chaps are.

- Cardew you are dim!

- A gourmet is a connoisseur.

- A chap who stands outside a cinema.

- No, that's a commissionaire.

No wonder you can never pass the school leaving exam.

Don't you ever get fed up being with all us kids?

- Frequently you horrible boy.

Actually I rather like kids.

I was one myself once.

Come to think of it, grownups are nothing but old kids.

Come on open it up.

- One of the eggs has hatched.

You can tell it came by British railways.

Look out, here comes Matron.

Shut the hamper quick before it gets confiscated.

That's my hand you fool.

- Cardew you made me drop a stitch.

- I'm terribly sorry I'll help you look for it.

- Put that down.

- Can't have you running around without a stitch.

- I won't have you boys hanging about the hall.

What's the matter with your hand?

- He shut it his hamper.

- Well he sloshed me in my stomach.

- Ya sneak.

- Sneak yourself.

- Go away.

You poor boy let me look at it.

Does this hurt?

- No, I mean yes, Matron I feel faint.

- Matron, I'm tired of being cooped up here.

Can't we fly away somewhere and build a little nest?

- Cardew, come now you're just a boy, and I'm no chicken.

- Matron, give me a kiss, just a little peck.

- Cardew don't egg me on.

- But without you Matron my life's just an empty shell.

- Supposing Dr Jankers should come out.

- I'm not afraid of the beak.

- Between you and I, neither am I.

I think he's a foul pest.

- There you are Matron.

I thought I heard your voice.

Will you step in here a moment?

Thank you.

Matron I have some very serious news for you.

Cardew's answered three questions intelligently.

- Good gracious.

- If we aren't very careful, we'll find him

passing out of the school with honors you know.

- That would be awkward.

- Awkward, it'd be disastrous.

Matron, between you and I and the winning post,

I've been making a few speculations,

on behalf of St. Fanny's of course.

- Of course.

- And matter of fact they've,

how can I put it you'll understand?

They've gone for a Burton.

- Bobo!

- I brewed next year's legacy.

- Silly boy.

- Silly, silly is hardly the word, it's ungrateful,

all the boys are ungrateful.

Matron have you ever realized the school is like a factory?

- Well I can't say I have really.

- Yes, now first of all the lads are sent to the school,

raw material to be molded.

And down the years we impress upon them our way of life.

How to use a crib with dignity.

How to travel from London to Edinburgh on a platform ticket.

Then the day comes, all too soon when they are men

and one sees their dear faces no longer.

Except in the news of the world on the third page.

And then the new term, new faces.

Matron would you care for a drink?

- I don't mind if I do.

They are opened,

yes step this way.

Now what are you gonna drink dear?

- Well you ought to know.

- Yes of course how silly of me, remiss.

Straight gin.

- Of course.

- You know when I finish this drink

I think I'll have a dip in the pool.

Well here's down with the clan McTavish.

- My name is McTavish, Mainforce in?

- I'll see sir.

- What gives Ruby?

- Mr. McTavish is here.

- Slide him in quick before he changes his mind.

With any luck, he may draw some salary this week.

- Good, come in sir.

- Mainforce, Mildred M.

- McTavish, Angus, commissioner of oaths.

- Scotch oaths of course.

Not so fast brother.

I don't take no chance.

Only two kinds in my trade, the quick and the dead.

You don't carry a rod?

- Only when I'm fishing the deep.

- Okay, you're clean, park your chassis bud.

What's on your mind

- You've heard of the Robinson bequest.

- Recap bud.

- Sir William Robinson, the paper bag king.

- Of course.

Slug a rye?

- Chief beneficiary of the will is the old man's nephew,

Cardew Robinson a simple schoolboy

still under instruction at St. Fanny's.

- And all the gravy's fallen to this boy's lap

- Not quite.

- See you on the slab.

Go on, I love hearing about dough, anybody's dough.

I just like to know it's around.

- Sir William was an old boy at St. Fanny's,

where he said he spent the happiest days of his life.

- Stinking old liar.

- And under the terms of his will, St. Fanny's receives

the entire income from the estate for every year

that Cardew is still at school.

And Cardew in his turn cannot touch a bobby

until he passes out of school.

- And until he does, who gets the cheque?

- Dr Jankers, headmaster of St. Fanny's.

- Seems to me an open and shut case,

what's the angle Scotty?

- I want you to go down to St. Fanny's

and see what you can dig up on Jankers.

- It'll be a pleasure.

- You'll be needing a wee bit of money I've nay doot.

- You ain't kidding.

My terms are strictly cash on the nail.

- What is a diplomat?

- Diplomat sir, that's a man who can convince

his wife she'd look fat in a fur coat.

- Now to you, you, why are you late?

- Well I was helping the Matron make plum jam sir.

- Was it nice?

- Lovely sir.

- That's no reason why you should be late.

- Well I had to go to the cemetery to pick up the jam jar.

- Fotheringay?

- Three please.

- Fotheringay!

- Sorry sir.

- Which would you rather have,

three bags with two apples in each bag

or two bags with three apples in each bag?

- Three bags with two apples in each bag sir.

- Why?

- Because there'll be one more bag to bust.

- What is an herbaceous border?

- A lodger, who only eats vegetables.

- Name the principle mountains in Scotland.

- Ben Nevis, Ben Lomond and ben lyin'.

- Describe the law of gravity.

- What goes up must come down, except the bus fares.

- What is an octopus?

- An octopus sir?

That's an eight sided cat.

- Can you lend me a couple of squid?

- Stand up, the boy who did that.

- Me sir, it was me.

- No sir it wasn't, it was me.

- I own up sir, it was me.

- Boys, boys, what have I taught you?

How many times have I told you, it was I?

- Was it sir?

Why didn't you say so in the first place?

- Sh!

- Winkle, running you're class the usual way?

- Yes sir.

- No discipline.

You know Winkle, you're too small for the job.

- Too small?

- Yeah, too small.

What St. Fanny's needs is not a winkle but a cockle.

Cockle!

Not a winkle, a cock...

We will now take the life of the warthog.

Now we all

I see you have a pocket Picasso among your pupils.

Now why is it when I come in here you're never working?

- Because you wear rubber heels sir.

- Hello, Winkle here.

Yes, Winkle, MA, LR3P, BBC

- Get a move on, the pips will go again

in a minute. - Yes, right.

- What?

- Winkle?

If you're not careful I'll eat you with salt and vinegar.

Put Jankers on the line.

Harry the Scar wants to talk to him.

- Hello.

- Good gracious.

Harry the Scar.

- No thanks, I've got one.

- No, Harry the Scar.

- Harry the Scar?

- Yes.

- Dear.

Tell him I've gone to Australia.

- All right.

He says he's gone to Australia.

He says you owe him 250 Nicker.

- Really, that's a lot of money.

He's fiddling the books isn't he?

- Shall I ask him to be more explicit?

- No, no, no, ask him to explain.

- Yes.

Actually would you mind,

he's gone.

- Ask him where.

- Look here, where've you,

he has gone.

- He ought to be there by now, hadn't he?

- Yes quite, yes.

- Put it up and get on with the class.

You're wasting time. - Goodbye.

Now boys, how would you describe the world?

- Well sir, it's a block of land,

entirely surrounded by American bases.

- Not a bad answer.

- Thank you sir.

- Now, who discovered the British Empire?

- If you please sir, Lord Beaverbrook.

- I will now set you a mental problem.

- Well that shouldn't be difficult.

- A boy, you, come here.

A man left Manchester to walk to Birmingham,

- Why didn't he go by train?

Skint I suppose.

- Are you being festes sir?

- Festes? - Festes?

- Oo, I think he means facetious, sir.

- Facetious, yes of course, yes, yes.

- Is that right?

- Never heard of the word.

- Give the poor child a sentence explaining

the meaning of the word facetious will you, Winkle please.

- Certainly sir, yes.

Although he was facetious, he was a jolly good fella.

Do you understand?

- I don't know who you're talking about.

- Look, leave it to me.

Although he was facetious, and we grant you that

he's facetious, alright, that's settled.

Although he was facetious, on the other hand

he's still quite a jolly good fellow, you see.

He's face-, face-, facetio jolly good fellow you twerp.

- Hello, Winkle here.

It's for you sir.

- Well give it to me then.

Hello, hello Jankers here.

- Listen Jankers, if we don't get our 250 today

we're coming down to St. Fanny's to collect.

In person.

- Yes, of course,

yes we love our prospective parents

to come look over the dear old school, yes.

- Who's a prospective parent?

You speak for yourself doc.

Giving me the dumber talk.

That settles it, we'll go down to St. Fanny's

and turn the heat on the old welcher.

- We might have to twist his arm a little.

- We might try twisting his fat neck this time.

Twist whose neck?

- Hello kid.

- Hello Maisie, how did the audition go?

- Don't talk to me about it.

My feet are killing me.

- Why don't you do something for 'em?

- Why should I?

They've never done anything for me.

- Did you get the job?

- No, every chorus girl in London was there.

Give us a fag.

Ta.

Hey, that's new, where'd you knock it off?

- He found it in a friends flat.

- Did you ever have any theatrical ambitions Ferdy?

- Well I was once he giant in Jack and the Beanstalk.

- Yah!

- You know what's the trouble with you Maisie?

You've got no ambition.

- Yeah, why don't you try and get ahead?

- Don't be silly, a chorus girl doesn't need one.

- You've gotta use your head in our profession.

- Your profession?

Race course tout, bookie spiv, I don't know what.

I'm disgusted with you Ferdy.

I don't know what poor old dad would've said

if he'd known you'd turned into a wide boy.

- If I wanna be a wide boy, I will.

So there.

- Can't you remember poor old dad's last words?

- Last words?

He never had any, mom was with him til the end.

- Come on, time we was off.

- Where to?

- A little business trip down country.

- Good I'll come with you,

I need - No, no, you stay here,

you rest your feet Maisie.

- No, I'll come with you and keep you out of trouble.

See you in a minute.

- What are you thinking of?

- Me?

Nothing.

- Can't you ever take your mind off yourself?

- Did you do that purposely or for a joke?

- I did it purposely.

- That's different, 'coz I don't like them sort of jokes.

- Oo dear.

Cardew.

We beg to inform you that your school

will be visited on the 22nd of this month

by FWE Horsetrough, MA, a deputy sub-regional school officer

from the Ministry of Education.

Fudge!

Fudge, find Dr Jankers, turn the place upside down

I don't care where he is, but find him.

- Very well Matron.

Dr Jankers.

- Hello, I've been basking in the shallow end.

- Well you'll go up the deep end when you hear,

there's an inspector coming from the Ministry.

- Inspector?

Where's Matron?

- In there.

- 'Scuse me.

- Bobo, Bobo, something terrible has happened.

- Would you mind if I made myself presentable?

- No.

- Have you got a screen in here?

- Yes.

- Good, thank you.

- Right, you can come out.

- Bobo, something terrible.

The Ministry of Education is sending down a man

to investigate the Robinson case.

- If they find out about Cardew Robinson

we lose the Robinson legacy don't we?

- Yes.

- You'll have to keep him out of sight.

- Well what shall I do?

- You might try using a bit of oomph.

- Oomph?

- Tell him he's a man, and you're a woman.

- What will happen then?

- I don't wish to discuss it any further.

- Oo, that'll be Cardew now.

- Now go on. - Good luck.

- Just a minute Cardew!

- Matron.

Matron.

It's me!

Your favorite delinquent.

- Come in Cardew.

- The Head's razor has never been the same

since I took it to the woodwork class.

Matron, it's been so long.

- Oo!

- You've changed somehow.

- I'm older Cardew.

We're both older, you know, anno domini.

- Why I adored her in Bitter Rice.

I just love Italian films.

That reminds me, I brought you something to read.

It's a play.

- How wonderful, a play.

But this is the telephone directory.

It won't have much of a plot.

- No, but it's got a terrific cast.

- Well if we're to watch tele

you better pull down the blind.

That cord in the center, just pull it.

- I hope I don't get fined five pound.

- Silly boy.

- You gotta sneak up on it.

Cardew!

- No joy?

- No joy.

- Why don't you try the other bell?

- You rang?

- Yes, several times.

Who are you?

- I'm Fudge, the school porter.

Well you must've heard of me.

I have appeared in ever so many autobiographies.

Usually chapter four, school days.

They always say, I shall always remember

with affectionate regard the kindly figure of Fred Fudge.

- I only read the classics, nothing later than Milton.

- Young master John Milton, he were a lad.

I were porter in his day too.

Smashing song he wrote, Stranger in Paradise Lost.

Some Russian borrowed it off him.

- Oo do you mind. - Look, I'm FWE Horsetrough,

from the Ministry of Education.

I've come down here to test a boy called Cardew Robinson.

I have an appointment with your Headmaster.

- That'll be young Dr Jankers.

Step in.

- Metropolitan Water Board, 1924, a vintage year.

- Enter.

This is a pleasure.

- Horsetrough, FWE, Min of Ed.

- A lady, pretty too.

- Thank you.

- Now what can I do for you Miss Horse-, Horse what?

- Trough.

- Trough, yes.

- Well I'll come straight to the point Doctor.

- Yeah do, it'll be quicker.

- You've got us worried at the Ministry

about your scholastic standards.

Tell me, what is your discipline like?

- Not very much.

What we have is good,

of course we don't serve breakfast in bed after 10:30.

- Excellent.

- And only the prefects

are allowed the rum ration in their tea.

- I trust you do not chastise the boys.

- Only in self defense.

- Could I see your curriculum?

- I'd rather you didn't,

but you could see the classes in action if you like?

- One other thing Doctor.

Your pupil, Cardew Robinson.

- Cardew Robinson?

Cardew, car, yes, I have the boy in mind now, yes.

- Could I see his report?

- His report, yes it should be right here, yes, I see,

Redfern, Rumplemire, Rissoles, Robinson, yes.

- Thank you.

Two aways, four draws.

- That's the Matron's, Robinson, that is the one.

- Thank you.

Full Masters Report.

History, murky, English, broken, language, filthy.

This boy should go a long way, and the sooner the better.

Could I see him in the flesh.

- Madam, that is an impossibility.

- Why?

- He is detained at the sanitarium.

- What's wrong with him?

- He's teething.

- Maybe you'd like to see over the rest of the school,

would you madam?

Here it comes.

- Do you like television?

- I doubt it will ever take the place of entertainment.

- Good afternoon.

Today we have a lovely treat for you.

We're going to take you to the races.

- I love the races, don't you?

- Aren't you lucky little viewers?

- We are really.

- In just a few moments

we shall take you over to Cheltenham for the steeplechasing.

- Have you ever chased any steeples?

- No I haven't. - Now just a few moments clean

- You know I was in the steeplechase once.

- Were you really? - Yes, I'll never forget it.

For one thrilling moment

I was neck and neck with the favorite.

- Yes? - Then the race started.

Actually my horse was doing very well at the beginning.

Then it fell at the third fence, it didn't worry me though.

- It didn't?

- No, I fell at the first.

- Well let's get cozy

before the racing starts.

- Yes, let's.

- Well here we are at Aintree

getting ready to start. - Dear, you've got my hand.

- Now they're off and something's

gonna happen already. - Could you move over

do you think?

- Virtuous Maiden, the hot favorite,

is pulling away from Naughty Boy.

Naughty Boy has fallen back,

but Virtuous Maiden is coming up on the first jump.

- We're going to miss it, surely.

- Naughty Boy has caught up,

he's sweating a little,

and now Naughty Boy and Virtuous Maiden are neck and neck.

Virtuous Maiden is tiring, she's breathing hard.

I shouldn't be surprised if viewers can see her pants.

It'll be a photo finish.

- In the meantime there will be a short interlude.

- It's that potter again.

- He must find that work monotonous.

- Yes.

- Not at all, the money's good

and I get Saturday's to myself.

- Do you?

- Yes.

- What do you do with 'em?

- I work on my allotment.

- Do you really?

- Yes, I do, I've got a lovely lot of runner beans,

and I've got the biggest vegetable marrow in Staffordshire.

- You haven't!

- I have.

I have, really I have, yes.

I've won six prizes.

- Get away! - Really.

- Is it as big as that?

- No, much bigger.

It's like that.

It's - Like that?

- My vase!

You've made me do.

Why don't you shut your great cake hole!

- This is our French class.

And this is Mademoiselle Praline.

Frufru, I'd like you to meet the inspector Miss Horseflesh.

- Trough.

- Trough, I beg your pardon.

- Enchante, you have come to suspect us?

- You took the words right out of me mouth.

- 'Coz originally, you know, we had a French master,

but he didn't appeal to me really.

So finally we decided on this.

Now, Mademoiselle, go on with your class

as if we were not here, will you please, go ahead.

- Merci.

- Now where was we?

- We'd left the pen of Ava Gardener

in the desk of Frank Sinatra.

- Oui, how would you say it in French?

- Pretty ghastly, isn't he?

- Ghastly?

Compared with Cardew he's Maurice Chevalier.

Cardew's French,.

- No good?

- No good?

It's absolutely shocking,

I mean one should have a Parisian accent, really.

- Well what's Cardew's accent?

- I'd say more of a Basque.

- Yes.

- You're very late.

- No!

- Oui!

- French without tears.

- Cardew.

- Cardew!

- You're a very naughty boy.

- You are telling moi!

- He seems to have a smattering.

- Smattering?

He wouldn't get very far in Paris.

- The chance.

- Now, the pen of Ava Gardener, in French you know

all words are either masculine or feminine.

- Isn't that just like the French?

- Oui, pen is feminine.

- So is Ava Gardener.

- So we write the pen of Ava Gardener.

Ava Gardener is the same in French.

- She'd be the same in any language.

Quiet please.

Alright Mademoiselle, that'll be all for today, thank you.

- Au revoir boys.

- Au revoir Mademoiselle.

- Au revoir Cardew.

- Au reservoir Mademoiselle.

- Sweet little thing isn't she?

So friendly the French.

And so French.

- Are you leaving us too?

- I wanna catch up with a bit of French.

- You boy, what is your name?

- Fanshaw, ma'am.

- Who were Hingis and Hauter?

- The only German generals never to write their memoirs?

- You boy, where was the Magna Carta signed?

- At the bottom right hand corner.

- And what was the chief clause of the Magna Carta?

- Where it said that no free man

should be put to death without his own consent.

- Now for grammar.

I did not have no fun over the weekend.

How shall I correct that?

- Get yourself a boyfriend.

- Now you boy, what are the inhabitants of Malta called?

- Maltesers.

- This dust, why doesn't Matron fix it?

Why she doesn't,

Come in.

Frufru, my dear.

And what are you doing here?

- I have come for my lesson in music and electrocution.

- Electrocution is a shock my dear, still you might get it.

Turn on the radio will you,

I always like a bit of background.

- So this is where the old windbag lives?

Here, ring the bell.

- Here, you ring the bell.

No, not that one, the other one.

- Now you boy, give me the names

of the three greatest benefactors of mankind.

- Coates, Vernons and Littlewood.

- What have you got in your mouth?

Toffee?

Eating toffee in class?

- No, I'm not eating it,

I'm just breaking it in for a friend.

- That's different.

- Can I do a bit for you?

I only charge wear and tear.

- Going or coming back?

- I'm equidistant between both.

- Now mind your syntax

- Oo!

You mind yours.

- Now you boy, you've been here a long time?

- Yes ma'am, I've had this desk

ever since it's last owner left and went to India,

a chap called Clive.

- Really?

- Please ma'am, may I leave the room?

- Why?

- Well, I want to see a man about a dog, actually.

- A man about a dog?

Yes, very well, you may go.

Now sonny, tell me, what do you know about the poet Milton?

- Milton?

He got married and wrote Paradise Lost.

Then his wife left him and he wrote Paradise Regained.

- Very good, man about a dog?

- If you please ma'am.

- Alright.

Now child, shall we try a Latin question?

- Not if we want a Latin answer.

- Woof?

- Woof, woof.

- Alright, woof.

Now my little one, tell me,

who were the two sides in the civil war?

- The Cavaliers and the big heads.

- Excellent.

We shall have you passing out

before we can say Sir William Robinson.

Oo!

- Two gentlemen are waiting to see you sir.

- Don't be so daft, I don't know any gentlemen.

- Mr Harry the Scar, and - Harry the Scar?

What in the flesh?

- Well, it looked like flesh to me sir.

- Harry the Scar, what are we gonna do?

- I see, I understand, very well, goodbye.

Come in.

- Matron, I'm in terrible trouble.

- Well what's the matter?

- That Harry the Scar's arrived at the school.

- No!

- What am I gonna do?

- I don't know, and by the way,

your sister Jessie just phoned,

she can't come today after all.

- Jessie, Jessie can't?

Excuse me.

- Here, I'm just about fed up with this lot,

hanging around for that old geezer all day.

- Well ring the bell for somebody.

- Cor, look at this lot.

Here, let's have a small double while we're waiting.

- Good boy.

- Round the mouth, round the gums,

look out stomach, here it comes.

- Good afternoon gentlemen.

I suppose you're here to see my brother, Dr Jankers.

- We are.

- Yes, well I'm his sister, Jessie Jankers,

he'll be so sorry to have missed you.

But he's away at Ascot, at the races you know,

he'll be awfully difficult to get hold of,

he's bound to be in the Royal Enclosure.

And he's taking the sixth form

to the Tate and Lyle Galleries tomorrow, of course.

Would you like to get us a drink, it's all there,

you'll find everything there.

- With pleasure.

- And I think we might sit down and have a little chat,

tete a tete yeah.

I suppose you knew I was his sister

by the strong family resemblance.

Do you know I think the only difference between us

is that my mustache is a little thicker.

Now, what is it you wanted to see him about?

- Well to start with he owes us 250 Nicker.

- 250 what?

- Nicker, pands.

- Pands?

Pa-, pounds!

£250 a trifle I'm sure he'll give it to you.

What are we gonna drink boys?

All of us.

- I've got a new recipe called angel's kiss.

- I'd love to try an angel's kiss.

- Blimey, it's marvelous.

Now we need something to mix it in.

This'll do.

Now first of all we take a half a glass of whiskey.

Half a glass of gin.

Half a glass of brandy.

And a half a glass of port.

Now, try that madam.

- Oo, thank you.

- What do you think?

- It's different.

- Yeah, now we need half a teaspoon full of water.

- That's gonna make it a bit livery isn't it?

- Try it now.

- That is it.

That's made all the difference in the world.

You know that's made me feel quite jolly.

Do you know I feel jolly for the

Those goldfish don't look very jolly, do they?

- Neither would you be stuck in there all day.

- Here you are boys, have a night out.

- Now then, half a glass of benedictine.

And a half a glass of kimmel.

Just a moment, I've made a mistake.

It should have been a pint of water.

- Alright, we want a pint of water.

- Alright, we want a pint of water.

Here we are, pint of water coming up.

- Well?

- Do you know, I didn't know this was angel's kiss,

I'd swear I was having fishcakes.

- Pipe that do us an ace.

- Oo!

- Oo, do you got a license for that thing?

- Nah, I take my test next week.

You waiting to see the head?

Better pad your trousers, this is the execution bench.

Bend down my boy, this is gonna hurt you

more than it does me.

Swish, swish, swish.

Oo!

Who are you I shouldn't wonder?

- I'm an actress.

- An actress, I bet you're good.

On the stage I mean.

Oo, and off.

Are you anybody famous?

- Well hardly, I haven't worked for six weeks.

That's the trouble with stage life.

Too many hams chasing too few chips.

- I bet you'll get something soon with your qualifications.

Do you know what?

I like you.

- Yes boys, there is a clause in the will,

if Cardew had been expelled

the estate will revert to my brother.

- I've got it.

When the boys go to this art gallery tomorrow,

supposing something was missing, and found on Cardew.

- That's right, a plant.

- No, something valuable, a painting.

Are you with me madam?

- I'm ahead of you boys.

Well you must be going now boys, really,

I have an appointment at 5 o'clock, sports meeting.

I'm entered for the pole vault.

Yes, you'll find a short cut round the back,

you'll dodge all this.

Bye, goodbye, goodbye.

♪ You're the sweetest thing I've seen outside the tuck shop ♪

♪ A delectable, delightful dream come true ♪

♪ Had no taste for knowledge ever since I came to college ♪

♪ But I'd love to learn all about you ♪

♪ You're a picture that no art remember boasting ♪

♪ No painter could portray those eyes of blue ♪

♪ Not a sketch I've ever tried ♪

♪ I'd like to draw you to my side ♪

♪ And I'd love to learn all about you ♪

♪ Though history's a mystery, and language is all Greek ♪

♪ And the Classics find me just an also ran ♪

♪ When it comes to reading verse I'll admit I'm even worse ♪

♪ But I find you all so easy to scan ♪

♪ You're a subject that I'd really like to study ♪

♪ I can prove that one and one add up to two ♪

♪ You're like no one else I've known ♪

♪ You're in a class all on your own ♪

♪ And I'd love to learn all about you ♪

- Well where is your sister?

- There she is, look at her, barometer eyes.

- What do you mean?

- He can look into them and tell whether.

Oi!

- What do you want?

- Come on Garbo.

- Well, be seeing you.

- Cardew, there you are.

I've been looking for you everywhere.

I've decided to make you a prefect.

Here, take your badge of office and wield it with justice,

like I've always tried to do.

Now madam, what would you like to see next?

- Here titch, what you gonna do

in the school concert tomorrow night?

- Nothing.

- Nothing?

I thought you were gonna be a comic.

- A comic?

- Yes you know, a wit.

- I don't know a wit, I know a couple of halfwits though.

- You and who else?

- Get out of it.

- I've seen enough thank you.

- Surely you'd like to see our new science laboratories,

where all our young pupils are busy

learning to blow up the world?

Most constructive, step this way will you?

- Watch me.

- What are you supposed to be doing?

- Well, who am I?

- I don't know.

- Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde you fool.

- This is a new pupil, master Hyde.

- What is that, pray?

- Professor Daniels' last experiment.

- And that?

- Professor Daniels, poor old Dan.

- Dan?

Not Dan, Dan the - No.

- No, no, of course not.

Now here's rather an interesting experiment.

This boy is analyzing the plum duff

we had for breakfast this morning.

- Yes sir, one part concrete, one part common fish food,

two parts sawdust, one part pinkers

and one part steel filings.

- Do you see how interest

Let me out, let me out will you let me out.

- I reckon I better get started on these.

Young master Wellington.

He don't like to be kept waiting for his boots.

Do you remember sir?

Let me out!

- Young young Ripps

hid himself in here again.

Aha, young sir, I know your little game.

Dodging down in there to get out of the algebra hour.

- This is an outrage!

I demand to see the Head.

That an official of the Ministry

should be treated in this way, doesn't he know who I am?

- I wouldn't go in there if I was you.

He'll give you six on each hand.

And another half dozen on your bump of knowledge.

Dr Jankers!

I demand to see you.

Ferdinand Horsetrough, listen to your conscience.

Remember your promise to mother

after your last fall from grace,

never again was liquor to soil your lips.

Perhaps a small one.

A man gets dry being locked in a chest.

Ferdinand Walter Ethelred Horsetrough,

cast out this demon within you!

Medicinal, restorative, after my ordeal.

- Let me out, let me out, will you let me out!

She's locked us in, what are we gonna do?

- Well I don't know about you sir,

we've gotta carry on with our experiments.

- What's that?

- We think we've found an improvement on the hydrogen bomb.

- Well never mind that, will somebody get me out of here?

Thank you.

Dear.

Dear.

Dear.

- There, there Bobo, most of it's off now.

- Me heart.

I must have a stimulant.

- That's a good idea.

- What're you gonna have?

No, you've had enough.

Thank you dear, thank you.

- There.

- Here, take over will you.

Well we seem to have got rid of old Horseface.

- You don't think she'll make any trouble do you?

- We've seen the last of her.

- That's what you think you big slob.

- Are you sure?

- You take it from me.

- Thanks, I will.

- Well, cheerio. - Che-

If my plans go right tomorrow at the Tate and Lyle,

I think Cardew's had it, he's through.

- Now the ancient Greeks had

a clue for angles which tops Barney,

and a section for the layman's groat.

But in doing so

- Mey, mey - in doing so

they did not come anywhere near Epstein's conception,

which is a cheg pedgin, or wether chesty,

or reaching up for the sky shapes, A-line,

or atom bombs load, whichever way you like to look at it

in the way of your catalog, for circa through five four.

Here, a circa seven Botega,

you got the top segas of undulate,

asymmetric hole in the bus, no furrowed in the brow,

and how that eyes can veil or give it forth to the layman.

- May I ask a question? - Yes.

- When are you gonna get that job?

- In a few minutes, we're just getting

the layout of the place, picking up some of the speil,

you know, after all we're interested in pictures.

Ain't that right Ferdy?

- I should think we are.

Watch, Marlyn Monroe, Ava Gardner, Lena Lollobegoto.

- Not pictures, art.

- Art!

- Well I'm not gonna spend

the rest of the afternoon traipsing around this joint.

- Oi oi, it's the St. Fanny's lot.

- Wanna keep your eye on them.

They was in the British Museum this morning.

Had a high old time, playing with the Elgin marbles.

- Alright, alright.

- Jankers.

- Are you in alphabetical order?

- Yes sir.

- You, what's your name?

- Philips sir.

- Philips, get among the f's.

Alright, platoon, dismissed.

All right boys, enjoy yourselves.

Happy smiling little faces.

It's a bit untidy isn't it?

- That's a Picasso sir.

Study of a nude woman.

- Is it?

I don't see it.

- Well, what do you see?

- I can see a plum, gooseberry, and a couple of raspberries.

- That's Picasso's idea of a nude woman.

- Must've had an affair with a fruit salad.

- Here, what's this supposed to be?

- Can't you read?

That's Whistler's mother.

- Well where is she?

- Gone to look for Whistler's father.

- Smile.

Come on, smile.

Show me your teeth.

Get ya!

- I say, I don't think you've met the wife, have you?

- Here, why's she got a hole in her stomach?

- That's to let the wind through.

- Besides, Henry likes it more.

- My darling, why are you so cold and 'ard?

- Down you boys.

- Come on.

- Hey, there he goes.

- There!

Come on.

- Got your knife?

Get it.

- I think this exhibition is a veritable triumph

of plastic color qualities, by crumbs I do.

- Yes, yes, it's very nice isn't it.

- It is a wonderful combination of joyful integration

of tone, color and light one indivisible simply it is.

- Well if you don't like it,

why don't you back to your own country.

Why, it's Cardew.

- Not so loud.

Yes, by jove, simply it is.

I don't know much about art,

but I know what I like, by jove, good show.

- Don't you ever want to leave?

- I do now.

- Are you interested in art?

- Yes, you oughta see my etchings.

I've got some very fetching etchings.

- Hello.

- Hello.

- Where've you been?

This is Cardew, this is Harry and my brother Ferdy.

- Yes, I can see the resemblance.

- No, this is my brother, silly.

- Where?

- Down here.

- How do you do?

- Pleasure I'm sure.

- How are you?

- Nice to meet you.

Pleasure's all mine.

- Hasn't Peter Brough missed you?

- Turn it up.

- Hey, the keepers.

- Oi, look!

- Blimey, someone's nicked the picture.

- Yeah, it's gone.

- Hey, police!

- Here it is sir, very thorough.

- Good grief.

Cardew, you and my favorite pupil.

Well go on, arrest him, take him away.

Get a move on, come on.

- But I didn't take any picture, I must have been framed.

- Come along, you better

come along to the station. - But I didn't take it,

honestly I didn't.

- Poor Cardew!

Hey, not so fast.

Come 'ere you.

I'm onto you boys, you stole that picture

and planted it on Cardew.

- Don't be silly sis, we wouldn't

do a thing like - You better think

of some way of putting Cardew in the clear, and fast, or

- Or what?

- I'll go to the police and shop ya.

- She would too, rotten with honesty she is.

- Wait a minute Maisie. - Are you gonna do anything?

- We'll do what you say.

- Well? - What can we do?

- We'll have to go to the station

and steal the picture back off the police.

- That's okay by me.

- I'm piping in the haggis

at the Scotch Affidavit Swearer's Ball the nicht.

That's better, a good blow through always clears the tubes.

- Do you play those things?

- Aye, ye want tae hear me play

When Billy Graham Comes Over the Border?

It will bring tears

to the eyes of the Advocate General.

What have you got on Jankers?

- I've just seen Cardew arrested.

- Whilst proceeding in a southerly direction

along the Embankment, in close juxtaposition

to the Tate and Lyle Gallery,

I answered a call to the scene of the said gallery

to investigate the theft of a painting

from the exhibition in room number 10.

A collection somewhat too esoteric to my taste.

- Get on with it.

- On investigation the missing picture were discovered

in the satchel of one Cardew Robinson.

I thereupon apprehended him.

- You did what to me?

- It's alright son, in third program

for saying he pinched ya.

Now what've you got to say for yourself?

- Naught but barren nothingness as Shakespeare said.

- Shakespeare?

If he's got anything to say he better come down here.

And that goes for his pal Baron Nothingness too.

- You are a silly sergeant.

- Now look here Robinson, I'm Sergeant Harry Handcuff,

of X, Y, Z division, and I must warn you that

anything you say will be taken down and used in evidence.

You've been pinched before.

- No, but I saw the blue lamp three times.

- Now look here sonny Jim, do you wanna make a statement?

- I'm sayin' nothin' til I've seen my mouthpiece.

I'm resting on my constitutional rights, oo!

- The expulsion clause.

I was afraid of that.

Now what does Blackfoot say in case of Rex versus Harrison?

All we have to do is prove that Cardew

is not responsible for his actions.

- That's no problem.

Stromboli.

- What's that?

- Stromboli, the alienist.

He could even prove you sane, and that's saying something.

- And who might he be?

- This is Professor Stromboli, the distinguished alienist.

- An alien?

Why aren't you registered with us?

I'd like to see your passport.

- Passport?

I am not foreign, I am a British object,

I have been neutralized, rule Britannia.

I'm something of a jumble dog by now, you know.

- Why did you tell me he was an alien?

- An alienist is the same thing as a psychiatrist.

- And who might he be?

- I know, the last man you see

before you go into a lunatic asylum.

- Is this the patient?

Yes.

A manic depressive if ever I saw one.

- Flattery'll get you nowhere.

- Now let me feel your plus.

Yes, you are a nervous rock.

You are overcome with emulsion.

- Great Scots!

- Now, tell me my boy, why did you steal the picture?

- I didn't steal the picture.

- Alright, so you did not steal it,

you just borrowed it for a little while, yes?

Now why?

Tell me, I'm your friend.

- I don't remember taking it.

- You do not remember?

Increditable, resisting schizoid tendencies here.

You know?

- I would like to probe his psyche.

- Well you mind how you go.

- Come my boy, come to my coach.

That's it, now all I want you to do

is to lie down here and relax.

Sh, relax.

There is nothing to worry about.

We are all your friends here.

- Yes, in a hostile sorta way.

- Sh, try and empty your mind of everything.

- That should not take long.

- Give me the hush, please.

Now, close your eyes.

Close your eyes.

You must go to sleep.

You must go to sleep.

Sleep.

Sleep.

You must go to sleep.

Now, tell me, have you had mother fixation?

Did your mother have mother fixation?

Or was it your father

who had mother in law fixation?

Sleep.

Sleep.

Wakey wakey.

- What do you want?

- We want to report a lost dog.

- Lost dog?

What sort of dog.

- A long haired,

- Smooth coated.

- A dog with a long,

- Short. - straight,

- Curly tail.

- What breed of dog?

- A Fleet Street dog. - Fleet Street?

- A newshound.

- Does it bite?

- Only the hand that feeds him.

- The picture.

- Cardew!

- Get him out of here while the going's good.

- On the front Maisie.

- Don't forget the picture.

- Papa, you eat all the spaghetti, I wanted spaghetti.

Cardew, I am your friend, I'm here to help you.

- Don't bother I help myself.

- Mr Winkle, quiet boys.

- My lords, ladies and gentlemen,

I mean parents and old lags, er lads.

I am afraid I have some very bad news for you.

Dr Jankers is unavoidably detained.

And will not be able to come.

However, the concert will still take place.

And it will commence with our well known school song,

the ABC, sung by the jail, er male choir.

- Good old Winkle.

- Thank you very much.

♪ In our village schoolroom ♪

♪ We have a new idea ♪

♪ For we are taught the alphabet ♪

♪ This is what you'll hear ♪

♪ A, B, C, D, E, F, G ♪

♪ It's as simple as can be ♪

♪ All together sing with me ♪

♪ A, B, C, D, E, F, G ♪

♪ H, I, J, K, I, M, N, O, P ♪

♪ Swing it low and swing it free ♪

♪ Come on scholars, starting to holler ♪

♪ H, I, J, K, I, M, N, O, P ♪

- How wonderful, a beautiful girl in my arms.

Oo, it's Maisie.

It's only a dream.

- I'm here Cardew, I'm real, see.

- Oo, thank goodness I'm back in time for the concert.

I'm playing Hamlet in the second half.

Just think of it, I might be discovered.

All the talent scouts'll be there.

♪ A, B, C, D, E, F, G ♪

♪ H, I, J, K, I, M, N, O, P ♪

♪ I, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T ♪

♪ U, V, W, X, Y, Z ♪

- Hurry up Cardew, we're on soon.

- I've gotta go put the ham in Hamlet.

- Good luck.

- I'll need it, I can't remember my lines.

- I've got a copy of the play here, I'll prompt you.

Come on.

- And now boys, a special treat.

Your school chum, Fanshaw major.

- Good old Winkle.

♪ Remember anyone can be a millionaire ♪

♪ There are riches all around for us to share ♪

♪ There's a brand new silver dollar ♪

♪ Shining high above the town ♪

♪ And if you give a holler ♪

♪ Why those pennies from heaven will tumble down ♪

♪ You will find in life ♪

♪ A great amount ♪

♪ Of happiness to keep in your account ♪

♪ And my friend if you've a love that's true ♪

♪ You're rich beyond compare ♪

♪ Remember anyone can be a millionaire ♪

♪ Remember anyone can be a millionaire ♪

♪ All that glitters isn't gold ♪

♪ That's what we're often told ♪

♪ There are riches all around for us to share ♪

♪ So come along with me look up and you will see ♪

♪ That there's a brand new silver dollar ♪

♪ Shining high, high above the town ♪

♪ And if you give a little holler ♪

♪ Why those pennies from heaven will tumble down ♪

♪ You will find in life ♪

♪ A great amount ♪

♪ Do do do do do do do do ♪

♪ Of happiness to keep in your account ♪

♪ Do do do do do do do do ♪

♪ And my friend if you've a love that's true ♪

♪ You're rich beyond compare ♪

♪ Remember anyone can be a millionaire ♪

♪ Anyone can be a millionaire ♪

- And now boys, a little treat.

Jones minor,

the boy with the wonder voice.

♪ La la la lalala la la la ♪

♪ When I see a beggar on a busy street ♪

♪ I help him as the people pass him by ♪

♪ Then I thank the lord above ♪

♪ And worship at his feet ♪

♪ For there but for the grace of God go I ♪

♪ Many are the times when my heart is filled with tears ♪

♪ And I feel I cannot face another day ♪

♪ Then I think of all the times ♪

♪ I've been helped through all this ♪

♪ And I bow my head and pray ♪

♪ When I see a stranger who has lost his way ♪

♪ And no one cares if he should live or die ♪

♪ Then I thank the lord above ♪

♪ And give a loving tear ♪

♪ For there but for the grace of God go I ♪

♪ For there but for the grace of God go I ♪

- Now you'd better get back to the art gallery,

and take that picture back.

- Yeah, you're right.

You've got it safe?

- I ain't got no picture.

You had it last.

- Me?

That's funny.

- You musta left it back at the station.

- Harry, you!

- Party of the first part,

herein after known as party of the third part.

Sign here, all three copies, ten guineas please.

- Oi, oi!

Have you charged Cardew with the theft of that picture yet?

- - Yes.

- Well where is it?

- It's gone!

- And where's Cardew?

- He's gone too.

- So have we, come on.

- Listen I know it was you that had that picture last.

- Quiet.

- Now look, it's no good you arguing,

I gave it to you the last - Quiet.

- Who you talking to?

- You.

- Here, do that again.

- You.

- Hey, - Just a minute,

don't you be so careless with my life.

- Don't worry at all.

Oi, do that once more.

- Yeah. - You.

- You got a good left hand son.

You're a coming boy.

- A coming boy, I'm gonna be a going boy, I've had enough.

- Angels and ministers of

and ministers of

ministers of fuel and power.

- I'm Horsetrough, CW Min of Ed.

I'm looking for a boy named Cardew.

- Are you really?

Well that's me.

How do I look?

- Come on Sergeant, come on.

Now find Cardew and you'll find the picture.

- Right sir.

- Now tell me Cardew, who was James Watt?

- What watt?

James Watt, he invented the steam engine.

- Good, good.

Now, what are barbarians?

- Barbarians, now they're the things you put in bicycles

to make them run smoothly.

- Excellent, aha, we can give you full marks for that.

- You're on, omelet.

♪ Hey mambo, mambo Italiano ♪

♪ Hey mambo, mambo Italiano ♪

♪ Bang bungo, throw out the piccalini ♪

♪ Shake it baby, shake it ♪

♪ 'Coz I love it when you take a minute ♪

♪ Hey mambo ♪

- Dr Jankers,

I'm beginning to wonder

if you're capable of running St. Fanny's.

- You're upset are you?

- It's a moot point.

- A what?

- Moot. - Moo?

- Moot, M-O-O-T, moot, now have you got it?

- Yes, and ear ache.

I would have had it before if you hadn't been incoherent.

- What?

- Incoherent, inco, inc, I-N-

I-N,

K, don't worry you'll get it if it takes all night.

I-N, double K,

with a comma,

I-N, double K, O.

No, no, there's no o, there never has been.

It's silly of me to pop 'em in if they're not there,

isn't it, I-

You've got a nasty cough haven't you

You've got a touch of pernicious perphenalia.

- What?

- Pernicious, pernicious, P-E-

You've got a cough, K-O-F, now shut up.

I'm sorry to have kept you waiting.

Now I think we've got just time for one quickie

if we get on with it.

- Dr Jankers, you're late.

Put your crown on.

- In that case we haven't, I'm sorry,

it was just becoming interesting.

♪ Hey mambo, down by the pizzeria ♪

♪ Ho, ho, ho, that's where I'm gonna be ♪

♪ No, no, no, don't tell a mamma mia ♪

♪ Mamma say stop or I'm gonna tell your poppa me ♪

♪ It's true, you don't have to go to school ♪

♪ Just take it with a bim bambino, it's like a fino ♪

♪ Chichi's gotta lock in, ♪

♪ But you don't know what she's cookin' til you ♪

♪ Hey mambo, mambo Italiano ♪

♪ Hey mambo, mambo Italiano ♪

♪ You mixed up Siciliano ♪

♪ It's so delicious everybody come caprisa ♪

♪ Mambo, Italiano ♪

♪ Hey mambo ♪

- And now that our beloved Dr Jankers has reappeared

St. Fanny's proudly presents

excerpts from Shakespeare's Hamlet.

And Dr Jankers himself as King Claudius.

- Mr Winkle sir.

- Yes my boy?

- Get on with it Cardew, you're public's waiting.

- To be, or not to be.

That is the question,

yum.

- The answer's a lemon.

- Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,

but what you lose on the slings you gain on the arrows.

Or to take arms against,

against.

Prompt me Fatty, prompt me.

Against a sea of, give me the line Fat.

- Lobsters, fried in butter.

- Against a sea of lobsters, fried in butter.

- With hot chocolate sauce.

- With hot chocolate sauce.

- Chocolates, ices, cigarettes.

- Lemonade, fish and chips.

- To die, to sleep, oo!

- Gilbert, Gilbert, give that to Hamlet.

Hurry up, go on.

- Yes sir.

- But soft, the fair Ophelia.

When's the milking time?

- Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art though Romeo?

- Wrong play Fat.

- Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears.

- Listen to me, friends, Romans, countrymen,

lend me your ears, haha, I need it to keep me hat on!

- Still wrong play, you're turn.

- Woe is me, woe is me.

- Whoa, black mare

- They say the owl is a baker's daughter.

Harry, look, the picture.

Come on.

- There's rosemary, that's for remembrance,

there's some for you and some for you,

here's something from Dr J.

- Sergeant, arrest that man.

- What?

- Poor Cardew.

- Stop, put the

- We've beaten Jankers at his little game,

now to return the picture to its frame.

- Good luck attend your mission.

- And we'll be there like nuclear fission.

- Cardew, Virtue has its own reward,

a scroll from the education board.

- At last, at last, I've passed, I've passed.

- So my laddie, ye can cut a dash,

you've come in for all the cash,

left in his will by Uncle Bill,

nine tenths is yours by writ and a tender,

I'll fiddle myself the remainder.

- I a schoolboy am no more, happier days are now in store.

I've launched upon an adult life,

so Maisie now please be my wife.

- Let me out,

please let me out. - Cardew dear,

you are a treasure, nothing would give me greater pleasure.

Look at old Jankers!