Original subtitles

Here you go, my love.

Kiss me, my love.

I love you...

We love you too...

-I love you both. -We love you too.

Yes, me too.

-Oh, hello, Marie-Jo. -Hello, Mister... Calot.

That's not part of your job anymore.

I'm making an exception for Mr. Moïse.

Hello, Colonel. It's for Moïse.

I brought my own gift.

Oh, all right.

Happy birthday, Georges.

We've had our differences lately, but let's move on.

Well... Thanks.

This is... unexpected.

I got size 10. If they're too small, you can exchange them.

Can't dance if your shoes are too tight.

You belong in an asylum. You're not fit to serve France.

I've always served France loyally.

With your shameful illness?

You know it's reason to demote you from your status as a civil servant.

What will your men say

when they learn they're being led by a fag?

Will they risk their lives for a queen when the time comes?

We have to tell them.

Should I resign?

No... on the contrary.

Happy birthday, Moïse!

-You could knock. -I told you.

That's no way to respond to a lunch invitation!

It's Thursday, it's rabbit in mustard sauce day. Let's go.

No thanks. I don't like rabbit.

Jacqueline can fix you something else. Let's go!

No thanks, I've got work to do!

We'll need to drag him then!

I'm sending you to the Eastern bloc!

Get your real fake passports ready for tomorrow.

But... why?

To avoid a repeat of the Berlin fiasco.

Or of the CIA visit.

You are clueless about the stakes of the Cold War!

So that's enough, off to the Eastern bloc!

Goodbye, gentlemen.

-Thanks. -You're in charge of the whole thing.

My pleasure. They'll get to see what a complex region is.

Gentlemen, what can I get you?

Three whiskies?

Yes, sounds good.

Make it three vodkas instead.

MOSCOW

Do you smell it?

What? There is no smell, not even a bad one.

Nothing at all. It makes you wonder if there is any air here.

That's normal.

You're not yet able to perceive the subtleties of the East.

At first, you'll be totally blind.

Disoriented.

Devoid of any reflexes.

Incapable of communicating with anyone.

So pay attention to what I tell you.

All right. Should we get a cab?

That's a terrible Capitalist reflex. We'll walk.

-Isn't it far from here? -No, just eight kilometers.

What? That's a long walk with our suitcases.

Don't the Communists have cabs?

Of course they do, but we can't use them.

We'd need a cab that's authorized to carry Westerners.

To find one, we'd need to ask the taxi police

in downtown Moscow.

And the cab couldn't take us there: we don't know if it has clearance.

Anyway, we'd have to walk seven kilometers to get back here

since the cabs that are able to carry Westerners

can only be hailed at the airport.

So it's simpler to just walk.

-Indeed. -Off we go.

This is going to be a long posting.

I'm sorry miss, could I have a glass of water?

Niet!

Hello, comrade.

You can't just stop like that for no reason.

What do these guys want?

They think you're waiting in line because there's something to buy.

That's ridiculous.

Do not judge what you don't know.

You're right, it's going to be a long one.

Ah, yes... it's cozy.

It's spacious.

You're doing this now?

In the East, night could fall at any time. We need to be ready.

Welcome to Moscow, tovarish.

Did you have a nice trip?

Yes, thanks, it was...

It was good.

But why did you drug me?

That's the way we do it.

But... do you like your apartment?

But...

I can't believe this...

Here you go. It's ready.

-Tea or coffee? -Tea.

Coffee.

-This tea's actually good. -So is the coffee.

So what's our schedule for today?

Capitalist reflex.

Here, individuals efface themselves for society's benefit.

The day's schedule is collective

and follows the five-year plan.

All right, but... we'll still have lunch, right?

No. We'll get our nutrients, but it won't be

about individualistic pleasure,

it's based on a fair allocation of available food products.

If I don't eat, I can't listen. No plan and no module for me.

Exactly. I have an excellent exercise to get you started.

-You're going out to buy groceries. -Groceries?

-And who's going to cook? -We are.

I see... This region of yours is very odd.

MOSCOW KGB HEADQUARTERS

Now I'm going to show you the center of the world.

The beating heart of the USSR. And its brain too.

Right... It's huge!

Impressive, isn't it?

So modern.

I believe the time has come, tovarish.

You are now an agent of the world's best secret service.

Welcome to the KGB, Agent Merlaux.

Thank you, tovarish.

I will serve the Soviet Union without fail,

so that Communism, which is the future of mankind, can become

the present of mankind around the world!

See, we found it. It's wasn't so hard.

Hello, ma'am. I'd like to buy some meat, please.

Do you have nuts and bolts?

For your meat, do you have nuts and bolts?

Nuts and bolts?

Two kilos of nuts and bolts for a pound of sugar.

Well... I'm here to buy meat, not sugar.

Once you have your sugar,

you can swap it for school supplies.

You keep the erasers. 12 erasers will get you a pound of meat.

As long as we still have meat to sell.

But... do you currently have have meat to sell us?

For now, I do.

Why can't I just buy it right now?

We need to find nuts and bolts. What are you doing?

Ah! Really?

I'm not the fussy type, but what a mess!

You were saying?

I don't understand the exchange rates here,

we won't be eating anytime soon.

Two right foots, two different sizes.

Political police.

Passports.

Why do you want to sabotage the Soviet model?

$

I beg your pardon?

No, it's a huge misunderstanding.

We're French tourists

who have come to visit your beautiful capital.

You are under arrest.

What for? We didn't do anything!

We know that you've been mixing up the shoes.

The office of supply retrieval,

the office of supply return...

Oh, you've got two offices for that?

In France, you've only got one?

Yes.

Interrogation room, target practice room...

bonuses office...

And what's this?

Stalin. But that's history.

The archives room...

Oh, I'd be curious to look at the archives.

No, not the archives.

This is the office...

I'm sorry, but why can't we check out the archives?

Why would you do that?

Because it must extraordinary! The memory of the Soviet Union!

Lenin, Marx,

and... Stalingrad!

The archives are extraordinary. But we can't visit them.

Office of transportation!

They can't send us to a gulag for this shoe thing.

Why did you have to mix them up, though?

When they realize who we really are, it won't be the gulag.

It'll be the firing squad.

No, no. Unfortunately, we'll be tortured first.

They'll try to get us to talk, and with all the stuff we know...

You're right.

We can't let them have two agents of our caliber.

Cyanide pills.

Oh, but I don't have mine on me.

What? You're kidding me.

We'll share yours. It should be enough.

We can't!

I don't have mine either.

I'm ready for your report.

Today, it's the birthday

of our Deputy Director, Moïse.

Marie-Jo passed the basket around.

Who?

Marie-Jo.

Marie-Jo is alive?

Yes.

VULCAIN NETWORK

MEMBERS OF THE VULCAIN NETWORK (TERRORIST/COMMUNIST NETWORK)

EXECUTED ON JANUARY 20, 1945

Your mother's the only one who can tell you the truth,

but when the Vulcain network was dismantled,

she was captured by the Gestapo. No one has seen her since.

Mercaillon...

After the war,

The Soviets got hold of the Nazi archives.

The Germans weren't able to identify us all.

Maybe you'll be able to track down someone who knows

what happened to your mother.

ESCAPED ON JANUARY 18, 1945

JOINED RED ARMY ON FEBRUARY 3, 1945

LEFT FOR CONSTANTINE, ALGERIA, ON DECEMBER 14, 1958

Jacquard?

Yes?

Have you ever been in love?

I have.

-What about you? -Yeah.

Once.

Me too.

And...

Have you ever been tortured?

Gentlemen, we apologize on behalf of the Supreme Soviet.

You're free.

The clerk

thought you were spies working for the Capitalists in the West.

We knew right away that was impossible.

We are trained to flush them out,

and it's obvious that you can't be spies.

Even Western spies!

To make up for your troubles,

the Supreme Soviet invites you

to tonight's show at the Bolshoi.

Once again, we apologize

for this ridiculous mistake.

What does he mean by "you can't be spies, even Western spies"?

It means he thinks we're a couple of bozos.

I mean... Who do they think they are?

They're the center of the world, like the Americans.

Why don't we show them what French spies can do, before we go home?

I don't know how France

deals with its traitors.

Over here, we kill them.

Hello, Comrade André.

Congratulations!

You're not asking why it took us 24 hours?

If you're back, it means you went there.

Coming back without groceries from your shopping trip is a win.

For a first time, you can be proud of yourselves.

I set the table.

What for? We didn't bring anything back.

Don't be so pragmatic.

Who had the gall to do this?

BALCONY LEVEL 4

The flight for Algiers has been delayed.

For how long? Who knows?

You won't tell me why you're flying to Algiers?

I'm trying to find a man named Yannick

who used to know my parents. I need to talk to him.

As I've told you before, you don't have to follow me.

We've already killed one another. I saved you,

now we're connected for life.

But Moïse set it all up.

If you don't bring me back and you don't go back either,

he won't be happy.

You're right. I'll go give him a call to let him know.

This opens up the possibility of expecting bonuses

over thirteen months,

on condition that the annual balance is less

than 40% of the provisional total.

I think it's... I think it's clear now.

It's so dull, how can this be his passion?

And thus ends this "passions and hobbies" conference

on UDB's,

undue discounted bills...

As opposed to my time on this stage. My time is due.