All language subtitles for American.Dad!.S17E02.Downtown.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+5.1.H.264-CtrlHD_track3_[eng]

Ooh, what about the line
where the guy says,

"Dude, where's my car?"

(laughter)

Oh, yeah!

I forgot that line.

So classic.

He's like, "Uh, dude?"

"Where's my car?"

(laughter)

Enough!

Look, I love
Dude, Where's My Car?

as much as all of you.

-Impossible.
-And there is certainly

no greater line of dialogue
in cinema history

than that titular line.

Okay, maybe you
are a true fan.

But I am trying to study
for the P-PSATs.

Well, you already got the first
question wrong, Gine-Stein.

It's called the PSATs.

No, Hayley, I'm taking
the pre-pre-SATs,

because you can never
be too pre-prepared.

Which is why, this weekend,

I'll be at the downtown
testing center --

Oh, no. There's no way
my only boy child

and the keeper of the Smith
family name is going downtown.

It's too dangerous.

Haven't you heard
of Jack the Ripper?

That was in London.

Yeah, downtown London.

Steve, downtown is always the
most dangerous part of any city.

That's why they push it down.

But if I don't take
the P-PSATs,

my life will amount to nothing.

Steve, you'll be fine.

I didn't take any
of those tests.

Exactly.

I don't want to be a loser
who was twice kicked off

a city bus for watching
Monday Night Raw

too loud on her cellphone.

Hey, that happened to me.

Wha-- Are you talking about me,
you little jerk?

Steve's right.
He's this family's last hope.

We need him to succeed.

Hayley, you have to
drive him to the test.

I'd do it,
but Saturdays are for me.

I don't want to hang out with
this dork all Saturday.

Besides, I give Jeff a bath
on Saturdays.

Nyo!

I'm sorry, Hayley, your request

to not drive Steve
has been denied.

Jeff can shower with me
on Friday night.

Now, to prepare you two,
it's time for my patented rules

for surviving downtown.

* Stan's patented rules
for surviving downtown *

First rule --
when you get downtown,

keep your eyes on the ground
and your head on a swivel.

If my eyes are
on the ground,

how do I keep my head
on a swivel?

Doesn't matter,
because the third rule

is to do helicopter arms,
like this.

-Aah!
-Fourth rule --

if anyone gets close to you,
swallow your wallet.

Then, when they reach their
whole arm down your throat,

you can bite it off.

And that's how you protect
your Ricky Mountain

Fudge Chocolate Shoppe
Rewards Card.

* Good morning, U.S.A. *

* I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day *

* The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face *

* And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race *

* Oh, boy, it's swell to say *

-* Good -- *
-* Good morning, U.S.A. *

Aah!

* Good morning, U.S.A. *

What are you doing
with your hands?

I'm visualizing filling out
the Scantron.

Please be silent.
I need to focus.

I've only got four hours
before the test starts.

What?!
Why are we going so early?

I brought
a lavender diffuser.

Takes a while for the scent
to permeate the room.

Oh, pull off here.

I have to get a coffee.

We're not even
out of the suburbs yet.

-Just get a coffee downtown.
-Are you crazy?

The last three kids to get a
perfect score on their P-PSATs

drank a caramel macchiato

from the Starbucks
in this neighborhood.

Fine. But after this,
I am dropping you downtown,

parking the van, and getting
after that vape life, ya heard?

-(thud)
-Son of a vape!

(tires screech)

Please tell me you know
how to change a tire.

Yeah, it's easy.
First I get my phone

out of the car,
and then I call AAA.

Did you lock the car?!
The keys are in there.

Why would you leave the keys
to the car in the car?

They're the car's keys.

I'm not carrying his shit
around for him.

Oh, my God.
I'm gonna miss my test

because my sister's
an idiot.

Let's just knock on
someone's door,

call AAA,
and get back on the road.

That house looks cool.

Did you even look at
any of the other houses?

(cellphone ringing)

No answer. They're in trouble
or, more likely, already dead.

I have to go downtown
and recover their bodies.

ROGER: Did somebody say
"downtown"?

I love downtown.

I'm a downtown boy.

Haven't been in 30 years
'cause I'm down

30 large to my friend Guzzo.

-No, Roger, this is serious.
-Very serious.

Guzzo does not forget
when someone owes him.

But I can probably drop in
without word getting back

to the old Guzzmeister
that his pal

Yakoub McGruder is back in town.

Let's ride, Franny.

Okay, but I got to get home
before dinner

to finish stirring this water.

The kick is good!

Grootzey scores.

Hayley, quit goofin' around.

Hey, hate the silly,
not the goose.

Whoa, sick topliary.

Hi, my sister's
basically a monkey,

and she locked our keys
in the car.

Can we use your phone
and maybe a banana for her?

I'm sorry about this
rude little baby.

I'm babysitting him because
he's a stupid little baby.

But I will take that banana.

Oh, that's hysterical.

Come on in.

I'm Sheila Cornhole,

and this is the Mitchell & Webb
glam fam sales force.

Forgive my naivete,
but what's Mitchell & Webb?

We sell eyeliner, lipstick,
skin cream, and opportunity.

I have to say, I think you two
would make a great addition

to the exciting bottom tier

of our pyramid-shaped
business scheme.

Just the phone, lady.

It's in the back.

Your sister might not care,

but you'd be silly
not to take care of

-that beautiful skin of yours.
-It's radiant!

Oh, I wish I could cut it off
and slap it on my own face!

Oh, that's an interesting
compliment.

Oh, Franny, you're gonna
love downtown.

Every block is full of grime.

There's peep shows,
wank palaces,

and stroke domes as far
as the eye can see.

I don't know, Roger.

I can see pretty far.

But there's one blo-jo dojo

that rises above the rest --
Guzzo's Jerkaporium on 29th.

-(brakes squeak)
-Alright, cool the chitchat.

We're downtown.
You know the rules.

Eyes on the ground, head on
a swivel, helicopter arms.

-(grunts)
-Mugger!

(chuckles) Hi there.

I can tell by the way
you're swallowing your wallet

that you haven't
been downtown recently.

(muffled) Yeah, so?

I'm an official
downtown greeter,

and I'm here to put you at ease.

Downtown's all cleaned up now.

(indistinct conversations)

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Where's all the grime?

What'd you do with the grime?

It's gone, thanks to
gentrification.

Some people don't
like that word,

but it's okay because
they don't live here anymore.

He's stealing that bike.
Pimp.

No pimps downtown!

These bikes are free!

Courtesy of the city!

Huh.
Maybe downtown's changing.

-A rat!
-Maybe not.

No, look how
well-dressed he is.

Downtown's changing.

Thanks, girls.

I'll hit you up
when I need refills.

Phew! Good thing we broke down
here in the suburbs.

Dad says AAA won't
even go downtown.

Mmm. Damn.

This banana is tasty.

Shoot. I left my lucky
test pencil in there.

Sheila? Tracy?

Just looking for my pencil.

Collette? Beatrix?
McKayla? Dawn?

Fawn? Grover? Fingers?

That's weird.
Where'd they all go?

-(slap in distance, woman gasps)
-Chomper, is that you?

This is what happens
when you don't meet

your sales goals, Tracy.

I didn't have time. My family --

(grunts)
We're your family, Tracy,

and I am sorry for our loss.

Do it, Chomper.

(Tracy whimpers, gunshot)

(screams)

(screams)

Oh, my God!

Why did they do that to Tracy?

Maybe her fetish was getting
shot in the brains.

Maybe we saw something
wonderful.

Hey!
You two can hide in my house.

(both scream)

Fan out and find those kids.

Don't let them get out of
Langley Meadows alive.

(cheerful music plays)

Down here.

Who's there? Please help us.

What the...?

Do you guys live down here?

Oh, yeah.

You ever been to Tokyo?

Those cool new pod hotels?

That's what this is.

-Cool.
-No, you idiot.

We're enslaved.
Unlock our cages.

MAN:
What's going on down there?

The key's on the wall. Quick.

I still think I can get it
with my chicken-bone thingy.

Yes, we're saved.

So I see you found
my collection.

-Aah!
-(grunts)

No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no!

The keys!
Just throw us the keys!

Back in business.

Just stop, Jerry.

What else am I gonna do,
Gabriel?

Apparently, there's
a brunch spot up here

that serves eggs Benedict
in a shovel.

Do you get
to keep the shovel?

-You have to.
-Hush up, both of ya.

We're now in the heart of
the old Jerkin' District.

This is where all
the jerking was.

They used to have to
chisel the walls clean.

It was like
the Golden Gate Bridge.

By the time you got done
cleaning one end,

it was time to start
on the other.

(gasps) Look.

The pervs are all
still lined up,

which means just
around the corner is

Guzzo's Jerka--
Quality Coffee Roasters?

Who the hell are you?
Where's Guzzo?

-I'm Tryler.
-Downtown's changing.

I own this slow-roast,
drip-pour, dry-aged coffee shop.

All the coffee is single-origin,

and the gelato
is 100% artisanal.

Art Penishole?
Is he still kicking around?

Finally, a name from the past.

You said "artisanal."
I knew it right from the start.

I'm so sorry, sir,
but this table is taken.

-Table?
-Yes, this hydrant

is a micro-restaurant,
and we are fully booked.

STAN: DTC!

That stands for
"downtown's changing."

Everyone downtown is saying --

-I get it!
-I get it, too.

A senior center.
We can get help there.

-(mid-tempo music plays)
-Okay, we've got an '88 Skylark.

Gladys.

Which means you'll be
having sex with Martin!

What exactly
is happening here?

We're swapping partners
and F'ing.

You want in? Just so you know,

nothing really works
down there anymore,

so we just kind of smoosh
everything together.

Good God.

What the (bleep) is going on
in this neighborhood?

-(record scratches)
-Prepare to die!

Say no more. (grunts)

Steve, the keys.

Oh, God! Wrinkles! (gasps)

Let's try that one.

It's a Buick.
I need keys to a Buick.

They're all Buicks!

-(gun cocks)
-Hurry, Steve.

Try these.

(engine starts)

(tires squeal)

(grunts)

**

(panting)

(sighs) We lost her.

* We ain't gonna die *

* We gonna live forever *

(clank)

* Why are we stopped on
the train tracks? *

She must've shot the engine.

(train horn blows)

Jump!

Whoo! Got one.

Oh, thank God.

A police station.

So, let me get this straight.

You watched as a vicious gang

of middle-aged
makeup saleswomen

murdered a soccer mom
in cold blood?

That's right, Chief.
And it was all run

by an evil mastermind
named Sheila Cornhole.

I never did trust people
who wear makeup.

It's like,
what are ya hiding, lady?

What are ya hiding, clown?

We're gonna need to know what
this Cornhole looks like.

(snickers)

Here's paper and a pencil.

You want me to draw it?

Yeah, our sketch artist
went missing.

Keep an eye out for him.

He looks like that.

I did that one.

See? Not so hard.

You start drawing,
and I'm gonna go put an APB out

on this Cornhole character.

Okay, there's still time
to get to my test.

What? No.

You can't go back out there.

Those women have Uzis, Steve.

I haven't seen one of those
things since Rush Hour 2.

Who knows what else they have?
They could have Jackie Chan.

That test is important.

Important enough to die for?

Forget about your stupid test.

You only think it's stupid
because you never took it,

just like you never went to a
real college or got a real job.

Oh, SubHub isn't real?

Then why do I have
all this turkey

underneath my fingernails?

(scoffs)

(door opens, closes)

-(button clicks)
-Sheila, it's me.

I found the kids
you're looking for.

Wait.
Who's in the car with you?

Oh, I know that's
not a book on tape.

It's Chomper. I know her laugh.

Because I don't trust her.

She calls me
the Queef of Police.

There's no way she could mean
that in a nice way.

(air brakes hiss)

Am I late for the test?

The test starts in two hours.

Sign in here.

I guess that's enough time
to get situated.

What the...?

Why are you signing in with
a makeup pencil, silly?

I don't know. I got it from
the police station.

It's Mitchell & Webb.

I recognize it because my
sister-in-law sells them.

She's a beautiful, mean lady.

But this is the chief's pencil.

That means she's
in cahoots with Sheila.

Oh, my God!

What you're talking about
just sounds so bad.

I have to go help Hayley.

But it's the P-PSAT.

You don't think I know that?!

My sister needs me.

There's not a moment to spare.

Better.

(air brakes hiss)

(police radio chatter)

How am I gonna get in there?

-You'll need help.
-Aah!

-What are you doing here?
-Relax! I'm a friend.

I'm the only one
who knows the truth

about what's really going on
in this neighborhood,

even though everyone
thinks I'm crazy.

Name's Crazy Bob.

I got 1,000 cats.

1,000? Is that an exact figure?

Yes.

Cops have been grilling
your sister in there,

trying to find you.

Now, I got a plan to
take care of the cops,

but I wasn't counting on
all those makeup ladies.

Well, there's one thing those
makeup ladies can't resist --

potential customers.

And I know some people
with terrible skin

in a cellar nearby.

The people locked
in that basement.

-Of course.
-You know about them?

I know everything
that goes on around here.

My cats tell me.

Come on. Let's go.

Jump down.
My cats will catch you.

(meowing)

Last chance.

Tell me where
your brother is.

I told you I don't know.

You expect me to believe that?

You think I don't know

that siblings communicate
telepathically?

You think I haven't seen
Escape from Witch Mountain?

Oh, I'm gonna enjoy doing this.

Now, I just have
to find a battery.

Or a bathtub
and a hairdryer.

If a can't find that,
then I'll just rub my feet

on the carpet for 10 minutes.

Don't you have a Taser?

You shouldn't have told me that.

Alright, get out there,

let those women
see your gross skin,

and the rest should
take care of itself.

Then we can go back
to our cages?

Again, you can go
anywhere you want.

SHEILA: Oh, my.

Look at all that pale,
untouched skin.

Hey, splotchy, how much
time would you say

you spend on your beauty regimen
each day?

Step two, cats, attack!

(meowing)

That's a lot of cats.

I've been training them
for this for years.

They'll neutralize the officers,

tying them down
with bits of yarn.

Then we waltz right in
and snag your sister.

Uh, Bob.

(meowing)

Damn. Never worked
in training, either.

Well, time for plan B.

-(laughing)
-Why did I agree to plan B?!

It's working!

(people scream)

(grunts)

Steve, we got to
get out of here.

The police chief
is working with Sheila.

That's why I came back for you.

But your test.

Who cares about
that stupid test?

You were in trouble.

I'm sorry.

We should've stuck together.

Don't worry.
I'm gonna get you to that test.

Maybe...hospital?

No, test.

Please. Hospital.

I'm gonna get you to that test.

Hospital.

You're not going anywhere!

I didn't serve two tours
in Afghanistan

and one weekend at the
Mitchell & Webb sales conference

just outside Boca Raton

to have two kids destroy
everything I created.

Hey! In what, at the time,
seemed like a totally

meaningless moment,
you saved our ball.

Now it's time for us
to return the favor.

-What? How?
-Slap shot!

(thunk, trigger clicks)

Now, let's get your brother
to that test.

(weakly) Hospital.

**

(indistinct conversations)

Hey, weren't we
supposed to be looking

for Steve and Hayley?

Francine,
that doesn't matter anymore.

Look how skinny the chef is.

That's what's important now.

Mmm, mmm. So good.

I guess I should just face it.

Downtown as I knew it
is dead and buried.

Nary a drop of semen has
splashed on these sidewalks

for a decade or longer.

I give in.

One scoop of handcrafted
pistachio gelato, please.

Right this way.

-Okay, whip it out.
-Whip it out?

Handcrafted gelato is "code."

-For a handy-"J"?
-You betcha.

Roger's getting a handy!

Although, now that
it's right in front of me,

I think I'd rather
have the gelato.

Maybe downtown hasn't changed.

Maybe I've changed.

See ya back at the table,
I guess.

**

Bye, Hayley! Friends forever!

Steve, wake up. We're here.

You got to take your test.

(groans)

Don't worry. I got you.

Uh, I'm Steve Smith.

Never kissed a girl.
Probably never will.

-I'm here to take some test.
-I knew you'd be back.

You're just in time.

**

(machine whirs)

**

(mailbox opens, closes)

Mail's here!

And I would like to say,
once again,

that bringing in
the mail should be

someone else's responsibility.

I am by far the least equi--

Steve, your test results.

Thanks again for having my back.

A zero?!

Oof. That's not good, Steve.

You get 200 points just for
spelling my name right.

Not my name. How should
I know how to spell it?

My future's ruined.

Not as much as that Sheila lady.

She got blowed up.

Hey, where's Stan?

Oh, he bought a loft downtown.

-Good morning, beautiful.
-* The lights are much
brighter there *

* You can forget
all your troubles *

* Forget all your cares *

* So go downtown *

* Things will be great
when you're downtown *

-- Captions by VITAC --