Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:04,046 --> 00:00:07,050
COMPUTER:
Agent Sterling Archer, code name Duchess.
2
00:00:07,216 --> 00:00:08,593
License to kill.
3
00:00:08,759 --> 00:00:11,683
Primary skills: covert operations..-
4
00:00:11,845 --> 00:00:15,099
...unarmed combat, firearms, explosives...
5
00:00:15,265 --> 00:00:18,439
...asset acquisition, enemy agent disposal.
6
00:00:18,602 --> 00:00:20,696
Current status: missing.
7
00:00:20,854 --> 00:00:22,572
MALORY:
For three months.
8
00:00:22,731 --> 00:00:26,702
Sterling's been missing for three months
and you idiots have nothing.
9
00:00:26,860 --> 00:00:28,908
Well name-calling's not gonna get us--
10
00:00:29,571 --> 00:00:32,120
11
00:00:32,658 --> 00:00:34,626
Anywhere.
Which is where Archer could be.
12
00:00:34,785 --> 00:00:37,914
Malory, we've checked every safe house,
run down every lead.
13
00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:42,130
And he hasn't touched any
of his bank accounts, so unless he-- Oh.
14
00:00:42,292 --> 00:00:44,841
Were you gonna say,
"Unless he's been skimming cash...
15
00:00:45,003 --> 00:00:47,301
...from his operations accounts
all these years"?
16
00:00:47,464 --> 00:00:50,388
Yeah, duh, right?
He wouldn't dare steal from me.
17
00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:52,144
Oh, please, we all--
18
00:00:53,804 --> 00:00:55,351
Think he would dare to do that.
19
00:00:55,514 --> 00:00:58,108
So we've got a highly-ish skilled
covert agent...
20
00:00:58,267 --> 00:01:00,861
...who probably has millions of dollars
in cash.
21
00:01:01,019 --> 00:01:02,441
Who doesn't want to be found.
22
00:01:02,604 --> 00:01:05,448
Being looked for by people
who don't want to find him.
23
00:01:05,607 --> 00:01:06,733
Whatever.
Meaning whom?
24
00:01:06,900 --> 00:01:10,325
Oh, don't give me that.
You're all secretly delighted that he's gone.
25
00:01:10,487 --> 00:01:14,162
Well, I wouldn't say delighted, but--
I cannot say I miss the bullying.
26
00:01:14,324 --> 00:01:17,669
Me neither.
Plus ISIS actually turned a profit this quarter.
27
00:01:17,828 --> 00:01:19,375
Be that as it--
28
00:01:19,538 --> 00:01:20,835
No, never mind.
29
00:01:20,998 --> 00:01:24,002
Because since you've all been
half-assedly phoning it in--
30
00:01:24,167 --> 00:01:28,343
Malory, he can't be found.
I mean, if he's even still, um...
31
00:01:28,505 --> 00:01:32,180
Still what?
Alive.
32
00:01:32,342 --> 00:01:36,017
Jeez. Ow. Talk about "duh."
I bet he already totally killed himself.
33
00:01:36,513 --> 00:01:38,982
No, he didn't. What's wrong with you?
34
00:01:39,141 --> 00:01:41,735
Nothing.
Because my skeevy Russian fiancée...
35
00:01:41,893 --> 00:01:45,363
...wasn't murdered in front of my very eyeballs
at my stupid wedding.
36
00:01:45,522 --> 00:01:47,399
ARCHER:
No!
37
00:01:47,566 --> 00:01:48,692
Katya!
38
00:01:49,192 --> 00:01:50,865
No!
BARRY: Whoo!
39
00:01:51,028 --> 00:01:54,328
How's that feel, Archer, huh?
Now both our weddings are canceled.
40
00:01:54,489 --> 00:01:56,833
Barry!
41
00:01:56,992 --> 00:01:59,541
Ha, ha, ha.
Is that how you crash a wedding?
42
00:01:59,703 --> 00:02:03,003
Yes, it is, Bionic Barry. Yes, it is.
43
00:02:03,165 --> 00:02:07,796
No. No matter how distraught Sterling
is over Katya, he won't kill himself.
44
00:02:07,961 --> 00:02:09,213
He'd never do that to me.
45
00:02:09,379 --> 00:02:12,178
He's alive somewhere,
and since you fools can't find him...
46
00:02:12,341 --> 00:02:14,469
...I called in someone who can.
47
00:02:14,635 --> 00:02:17,559
Say hello to Rip Riley, manhunter.
48
00:02:17,721 --> 00:02:20,645
Manhunter? Now, if that's not the pot
calling the kettle black.
49
00:02:20,807 --> 00:02:25,734
Oh, Rip, you old so-and-so.
How are you, Mal? Besides gorgeous?
50
00:02:25,896 --> 00:02:29,400
Oh, I'm not, I'm a mess.
I'm worried half to death about Sterling, and--
51
00:02:29,566 --> 00:02:31,239
Don't be. I tracked him down.
What?
52
00:02:31,401 --> 00:02:32,402
How? See?
53
00:02:32,569 --> 00:02:35,163
Yeah, this new thing called
intelligence gathering.
54
00:02:35,322 --> 00:02:39,043
Anywho, he's on a little island
called Wapuni in French Polynesia.
55
00:02:39,201 --> 00:02:40,703
With his millions in cash.
56
00:02:40,869 --> 00:02:42,871
Tending bar.
Or not.
57
00:02:43,038 --> 00:02:45,587
I'll pick him up tonight.
Three days back to New York...
58
00:02:45,749 --> 00:02:50,095
...so if you're not busy Friday night...
I'll book us our old booth at 21.
59
00:02:50,253 --> 00:02:51,926
Outstanding. Riley out.
60
00:02:52,089 --> 00:02:55,263
What a hunk.
Total sploosh.
61
00:02:55,425 --> 00:02:58,349
Actually, yeah,
gotta give him the sploosh.
62
00:02:58,595 --> 00:03:04,193
And whatever my equivalent of sploosh is,
which I guess is just sploosh.
63
00:03:04,351 --> 00:03:06,194
Only with semen.
64
00:03:43,682 --> 00:03:47,482
Oh, my God, I can't believe I just did that.
65
00:03:47,644 --> 00:03:50,568
You know, I'm not like that--
ARCHER: No, hey, come on, don't do that.
66
00:03:50,731 --> 00:03:54,156
Don't ruin your postcoital bliss
with a bunch of misplaced guilt.
67
00:03:54,317 --> 00:03:57,116
How is it misplaced?
I'm on my honeymoon.
68
00:03:57,279 --> 00:03:59,998
At least you got a honeymoon.
My fiancée was murdered.
69
00:04:00,157 --> 00:04:01,625
Wait, what?
Yeah.
70
00:04:01,783 --> 00:04:03,410
Oh, and you married an idiot.
71
00:04:03,577 --> 00:04:06,376
Who plays 36 holes of golf
on the first day of his honeymoon?
72
00:04:06,538 --> 00:04:09,337
Not to, whatever,
but that can't bode well for your marriage.
73
00:04:09,499 --> 00:04:11,752
Get the hell out, you piece of shit!
74
00:04:11,918 --> 00:04:15,013
Seriously, I hope she didn't sign a prenup,
because-- Oh, my God.
75
00:04:15,380 --> 00:04:18,759
Ahem. Hey, so, what happened
was somebody ordered room service...
76
00:04:18,925 --> 00:04:23,351
...but the regular room-service guy, he died,
so I came in here and then I fell on the bed.
77
00:04:23,513 --> 00:04:25,436
Wait, you're not her husband.
78
00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:28,193
And you're not one of my dick bosses,
so can I help you?
79
00:04:28,351 --> 00:04:32,197
Yes, you can quickly and quietly walk down
to the dock and board my seaplane.
80
00:04:32,355 --> 00:04:36,326
Okay, A, rhetorical, and, B, your what?
Seaplane.
81
00:04:36,485 --> 00:04:40,490
Looks like an airplane had a baby with a boat.
Yeah, I know what a seaplane is.
82
00:04:40,655 --> 00:04:43,784
Yet you're surprisingly unclear
on the phrase "quickly and quietly."
83
00:04:43,950 --> 00:04:46,169
And even more unclear on who you are.
84
00:04:46,328 --> 00:04:49,377
Name's Rip Riley. Your mother hired me
to bring you back, Sterling.
85
00:04:49,539 --> 00:04:51,507
She what? I mean, who?
86
00:04:51,666 --> 00:04:55,716
I'm Randy, see? So you can just go back
to that other guy's mother...
87
00:04:55,879 --> 00:05:01,136
...and tell her that even if you did find
that other guy, he's never coming back to ISIS.
88
00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:05,351
Wait, did you say ISIS or--? How did ISIS
suddenly get in the mix, is what I'm asking.
89
00:05:05,514 --> 00:05:08,017
I'm asking you for the last time
to get on that plane.
90
00:05:08,183 --> 00:05:10,732
You wanna try and make me, Rip?
No, I don't.
91
00:05:10,894 --> 00:05:12,692
And I promise--
92
00:05:16,191 --> 00:05:17,693
You don't want that either.
93
00:05:17,859 --> 00:05:19,987
ARCHER:
Hey, so listen.
94
00:05:20,153 --> 00:05:21,905
I think we got off on the wrong foot.
95
00:05:22,072 --> 00:05:25,793
But I'm willing to, you know,
let bygones be gone by the wayside.
96
00:05:25,951 --> 00:05:28,329
Good to know. But I'm not there yet.
97
00:05:28,495 --> 00:05:32,090
Well, give it some time.
Speaking of, how long is this stupid flight?
98
00:05:32,249 --> 00:05:34,593
RILEY: About 40 hours in the air.
Hooray.
99
00:05:34,751 --> 00:05:36,469
But I have to island-hop to refuel.
100
00:05:36,628 --> 00:05:40,474
Old Lucy Goosey here only has a range
of about a thousand nautical miles.
101
00:05:40,632 --> 00:05:42,760
Yeah, making it wildly impractical. Got it.
102
00:05:42,926 --> 00:05:44,428
This plane is totally practical.
103
00:05:44,594 --> 00:05:47,643
For the ridiculous image
you're trying to cultivate for yourself.
104
00:05:47,806 --> 00:05:50,355
What image?
Sky captain of yesteryear!
105
00:05:50,517 --> 00:05:53,270
At least I'm not sky captain
of "I ran away from home."
106
00:05:53,436 --> 00:05:55,530
I didn't run away from home.
I'm a grown man.
107
00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:58,408
Whose fiancee was murdered
in front of his very eyes.
108
00:05:58,567 --> 00:06:00,945
So excuse me for needing some time
to grieve.
109
00:06:01,111 --> 00:06:03,079
By tending bar and banging newlyweds?
110
00:06:03,238 --> 00:06:05,957
Apparently that's my grieving process.
111
00:06:06,116 --> 00:06:09,620
And also I need to use the bathroom.
A, it's called the head, and, B, no.
112
00:06:09,786 --> 00:06:12,665
Pee in your pants.
Yeah, wrong number.
113
00:06:12,831 --> 00:06:15,755
And I've had nothing but liquor
and mangoes for three months...
114
00:06:15,917 --> 00:06:19,387
...so unless you wanna fly a thousand
nautical miles sitting next to that--
115
00:06:19,546 --> 00:06:21,298
Okay, I'm setting the autopilot.
116
00:06:21,464 --> 00:06:23,762
But this better not be a ruse.
Heh, heh. A ruse?
117
00:06:23,925 --> 00:06:24,972
118
00:06:25,135 --> 00:06:26,478
Hello? Hi, it's the 1930s.
119
00:06:26,636 --> 00:06:28,934
Can we have our words, clothes
and airplane back?
120
00:06:29,097 --> 00:06:30,849
Let's go, kid.
Call you back, 1930s.
121
00:06:31,016 --> 00:06:34,111
And, hey, watch out for that Adolf Hitler.
He's a bad egg.
122
00:06:34,269 --> 00:06:36,397
No, one pedal fills it with water...
123
00:06:36,563 --> 00:06:38,657
ARCHER: I did that.
...the other pedal flushes it.
124
00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:40,533
ARCHER:
No, it doesn't. Ugh.
125
00:06:40,692 --> 00:06:43,696
You come try.
I gotta choke down this gag reflex.
126
00:06:43,862 --> 00:06:47,162
Yeah, quit being a dick
for five seconds and unlock the door.
127
00:06:47,324 --> 00:06:48,496
It doesn't have a lock.
128
00:06:48,658 --> 00:06:51,912
Damn it, I'm gonna puke and there's no room
in the toilet or the sink.
129
00:06:52,078 --> 00:06:54,331
What the hell did you put in the sink?
130
00:06:54,497 --> 00:06:57,171
A ruse, you big dumb idiot.
131
00:06:57,334 --> 00:07:00,258
And also a bunch of shaving cream
and toilet paper. Ha, ha, ha.
132
00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:01,637
Just because.
133
00:07:01,796 --> 00:07:04,675
Where does Malory get off implying
that we didn't do our best?
134
00:07:04,841 --> 00:07:06,434
No, she straight-up said it.
135
00:07:06,593 --> 00:07:09,016
What she implied
was that we're jealous of Archer...
136
00:07:09,179 --> 00:07:11,352
...and that you're still attracted to him.
137
00:07:11,514 --> 00:07:13,687
L-- That's-- What?
PAM: Oh, please.
138
00:07:13,850 --> 00:07:17,195
You're so hot for him,
I could reheat this chili in your cooch.
139
00:07:17,354 --> 00:07:20,858
Don't you have some humans to resource?
Actually, no.
140
00:07:21,024 --> 00:07:24,699
Most of my job is dealing with sexual
harassment complaints against Mr. Archer.
141
00:07:24,861 --> 00:07:28,786
So are we gonna make some cooch chili
or what?
142
00:07:28,949 --> 00:07:31,247
143
00:07:31,409 --> 00:07:34,538
What the--? What the holy--?
What in holy hell are you doing?
144
00:07:34,704 --> 00:07:37,674
It was gonna be an old-fashioned
but I couldn't find bitters.
145
00:07:37,832 --> 00:07:39,379
How long was I out?
Hard to say.
146
00:07:39,542 --> 00:07:42,216
After I shaved and stuff,
I took a pretty long nap, so--
147
00:07:42,379 --> 00:07:46,555
Uncuff me, you idiot. Holy God,
if we overshot our chance to refuel...
148
00:07:46,716 --> 00:07:50,562
I thought you put it on autopilot.
it just maintains course and altitude.
149
00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:55,021
It doesn't know how to find
the only airstrip within a thousand miles...
150
00:07:55,183 --> 00:07:57,311
...so it can land itself when it needs gas!
151
00:07:57,477 --> 00:08:00,105
Then I, uh, misunderstood the concept.
152
00:08:00,271 --> 00:08:01,898
Uncuff me!
Okay. God.
153
00:08:02,065 --> 00:08:04,409
Wait, first promise
you won't take me back to ISIS.
154
00:08:04,567 --> 00:08:07,741
ISIS? You'll be lucky
if I can get us back to land.
155
00:08:07,904 --> 00:08:10,077
Now uncuff me!
Okay. God.
156
00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:12,368
Wait a minute. Is this a ruse?
157
00:08:12,534 --> 00:08:14,582
158
00:08:14,786 --> 00:08:18,086
Because if it is, pretty elaborate.
159
00:08:22,252 --> 00:08:23,799
RILEY:
Damn it. There goes number two.
160
00:08:23,962 --> 00:08:26,761
But it can land on water, right?
Isn't that the whole point?
161
00:08:26,923 --> 00:08:31,099
It's kind of a different story
when we're dropping like a ton of bricks.
162
00:08:31,261 --> 00:08:34,356
Damn, I can barely hold her level.
Want me to help steer or--?
163
00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:38,769
Haven't you done enough already?
How is this suddenly my fault?
164
00:08:39,602 --> 00:08:40,694
Okay, this is it.
165
00:08:40,854 --> 00:08:43,357
Come on, Lucy Goosey, you can do it.
166
00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:45,116
Looking good, girl.
167
00:08:45,275 --> 00:08:48,449
I think we're gonna be okay.
Wait, you didn't put the wheels down.
168
00:08:48,611 --> 00:08:49,863
The what? What are you--?
169
00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:51,998
No!
170
00:09:32,655 --> 00:09:34,123
171
00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:41,002
Damn it!
172
00:09:41,164 --> 00:09:42,256
Ah!
173
00:09:49,380 --> 00:09:50,632
174
00:09:50,799 --> 00:09:52,642
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
175
00:09:52,801 --> 00:09:54,803
Two personal records!
176
00:09:54,969 --> 00:09:59,395
For breath-holding and number of sharks
shot in the fricking face.
177
00:09:59,557 --> 00:10:01,685
Did you see that?
178
00:10:02,352 --> 00:10:03,524
Dude, are you even alive?
179
00:10:03,686 --> 00:10:05,688
No, that side's too low.
180
00:10:05,855 --> 00:10:08,984
Well, I can't tell from here.
Well, I can, and it's too low.
181
00:10:09,150 --> 00:10:10,902
I think you mean "premature."
182
00:10:11,069 --> 00:10:13,367
What did you say?
Nothing.
183
00:10:13,530 --> 00:10:17,785
Archer doesn't want to come back, so I don't
know how Riley's gonna get him on a plane.
184
00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:19,874
Which I bet will crash.
Yeah.
185
00:10:20,036 --> 00:10:22,789
Now, you listen.
Sterling is coming home safe and sound...
186
00:10:22,956 --> 00:10:25,709
...and when he does,
it'll be no thanks to you people...
187
00:10:25,875 --> 00:10:29,175
...so you can forget about getting Carvel.
Oh.
188
00:10:29,337 --> 00:10:30,714
Cookie Puss.
189
00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:32,223
190
00:10:32,382 --> 00:10:36,182
What the--? What in the holy hell
are you doing now?
191
00:10:36,344 --> 00:10:38,221
Ugh. Wondering why
this is called a D ration.
192
00:10:38,388 --> 00:10:41,733
Ought to call it a Y ration, as in,
"Hey, this tastes like cat shit."
193
00:10:41,891 --> 00:10:44,940
They're not candy bars, jackass,
they're survival rations.
194
00:10:45,103 --> 00:10:48,573
They might have to last us a while.
Um...
195
00:10:49,065 --> 00:10:50,738
Oh, you son of a-- Okay, that's it.
196
00:10:50,900 --> 00:10:54,029
As of right now, I'm-- What the--?
Looking for this?
197
00:10:55,363 --> 00:10:56,990
Give me that.
No. You're agitated.
198
00:10:57,157 --> 00:10:59,580
I'm agitated
because you crashed my plane...
199
00:10:59,742 --> 00:11:03,212
...in the God knows if it's even the middle
of the Pacific Ocean.
200
00:11:03,371 --> 00:11:06,375
Which you're floating on,
and not getting shit out of a shark in.
201
00:11:06,541 --> 00:11:08,760
Wait, what?
I saved you from a shark, Rip.
202
00:11:08,918 --> 00:11:11,922
Let's see, after I pulled you out
of that shit heap of a plane...
203
00:11:12,088 --> 00:11:15,433
...but before I gave you CPR
and bandaged your head.
204
00:11:15,592 --> 00:11:18,596
Oh. Well, thanks.
You're welcome.
205
00:11:18,761 --> 00:11:21,059
Sorry I ate so much food.
That was a dick move.
206
00:11:21,222 --> 00:11:23,441
If it makes you feel better,
I puked most of it up.
207
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,147
It doesn't.
Raft's pretty bobby.
208
00:11:25,310 --> 00:11:29,281
We've got a few gallons of freshwater,
a desalinator for when that runs out.
209
00:11:29,439 --> 00:11:32,409
Let's see, flare gun and some flares,
fishing gear. Oh!
210
00:11:32,567 --> 00:11:33,864
And this guy.
What is that?
211
00:11:34,027 --> 00:11:36,951
Emergency beacon.
Beams a signal directly to the ISIS satellite.
212
00:11:37,113 --> 00:11:38,581
213
00:11:38,740 --> 00:11:41,459
Oh, well, that's just great.
Now I get to deal with this...
214
00:11:41,618 --> 00:11:47,170
...as my hot meatball sub congeals
into a big, fat, disappointing blob of shit.
215
00:11:48,082 --> 00:11:49,425
Nobody's gonna touch that?
216
00:11:49,584 --> 00:11:53,088
Yeah. So I figure three days
for ISIS to get a rescue team out here.
217
00:11:53,254 --> 00:11:56,758
Nice. So we just kick back,
catch a few rays, catch some sushi.
218
00:11:56,925 --> 00:11:59,053
Not gonna be a picnic--
Can I check that out?
219
00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:01,642
Don't mess with those knobs.
I got the frequency set.
220
00:12:01,804 --> 00:12:04,432
Hey thanks, Guglielmo Marconi...
221
00:12:04,599 --> 00:12:06,772
...who I think invented the radio.
222
00:12:07,185 --> 00:12:08,232
Over.
223
00:12:08,394 --> 00:12:10,488
MALORY:
But if the emergency beacon is going off--
224
00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:13,988
Oh, my God, their plane crashed.
CHERYL: Ah!
225
00:12:14,150 --> 00:12:16,653
I said that would happen and it did.
226
00:12:16,819 --> 00:12:19,072
Oh, my God.
What if I have psychokinetic powers?
227
00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:22,493
I don't know.
Just try to only use them for good.
228
00:12:22,659 --> 00:12:24,002
No.
MALORY: Well?
229
00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:27,084
Don't just sit there sweating
like a gigantic cheese.
230
00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:29,500
Do something.
Ow! And I am.
231
00:12:29,666 --> 00:12:32,886
Our satellite's locked on the beacon,
which is, jeez, the middle of nowhere.
232
00:12:33,044 --> 00:12:36,014
Lana, Ray, get there this instant.
Uh--
233
00:12:36,172 --> 00:12:39,767
Sort of following up on his thing
about the middle of nowhere. How?
234
00:12:39,926 --> 00:12:41,178
235
00:12:41,344 --> 00:12:42,641
The black titanium corporate card?
236
00:12:42,804 --> 00:12:44,351
PAM:
I thought it was just a myth.
237
00:12:44,514 --> 00:12:47,609
Like a big, beautiful, no-limit unicorn.
238
00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:49,360
Charter a private jet to Honolulu.
239
00:12:49,519 --> 00:12:53,069
Then I don't care if you have to buy a plane,
get out there and find him.
240
00:12:53,231 --> 00:12:55,279
Wait. No, that's not in the budget.
241
00:12:55,441 --> 00:12:59,412
Say "budget" to me again, Cyril.
Save your receipts, please.
242
00:12:59,570 --> 00:13:01,948
And call me the very instant
you have an update.
243
00:13:02,115 --> 00:13:06,791
And you. You lose my son, you'll have to drink
your meatball subs through a straw.
244
00:13:06,953 --> 00:13:08,045
Again, 0w!
245
00:13:08,204 --> 00:13:10,753
And again, the satellite
is locked on the beacon...
246
00:13:10,915 --> 00:13:13,668
...so unless he, I don't know, throws it away--
247
00:13:13,835 --> 00:13:15,508
Why the hell would he do that?
248
00:13:15,753 --> 00:13:19,223
I told you. I'm not going back there.
Well, you say that.
249
00:13:19,757 --> 00:13:22,761
Riley, I will shoot you.
Then I'll shoot you. With a flare.
250
00:13:22,927 --> 00:13:25,555
Then I'll use a D ration bar
and two survival crackers...
251
00:13:25,722 --> 00:13:30,023
...to make s'mores over the crackling fire
that used to be your chest cavity.
252
00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:33,188
Goddamn, dude.
Sorry, but you're acting really crazy.
253
00:13:33,354 --> 00:13:35,231
Well, being a spy makes you crazy.
254
00:13:35,398 --> 00:13:38,493
I mean, what kind of job is that,
where your fiancee gets murdered?
255
00:13:38,651 --> 00:13:41,325
Hello, stress. And don't even get me started
on my mother.
256
00:13:41,487 --> 00:13:43,581
I mean, she--
She can be a steel-clad bitch.
257
00:13:43,740 --> 00:13:45,742
I know. Why do you think I left ISIS?
258
00:13:45,908 --> 00:13:49,162
You were an ISIS agent?
Briefly, way back.
259
00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:52,583
Didn't work out, because your mother--
Was impossible to please.
260
00:13:52,749 --> 00:13:54,092
God, if you only knew.
What?
261
00:13:54,250 --> 00:13:56,218
How much your mom loves you.
262
00:13:56,377 --> 00:13:59,426
You would at least have the heart
to go tell her you're quitting in person.
263
00:13:59,589 --> 00:14:03,184
Sheesh. Rather get shot with a flare.
Man up. Talk to your mother.
264
00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:06,438
Then you can be a bartender
and destroy a new marriage every week.
265
00:14:06,596 --> 00:14:10,897
Come on, that marriage was doomed.
And so are we, if we don't work together here.
266
00:14:11,059 --> 00:14:13,482
So truce?
Uh--
267
00:14:13,644 --> 00:14:15,191
Yeah. And, hey, we're not doomed. Look.
268
00:14:15,355 --> 00:14:16,732
269
00:14:17,607 --> 00:14:21,077
Over here! Hey!
No, no, no, quit waving. Get down.
270
00:14:21,235 --> 00:14:24,284
Don't you wanna get rescued?
Yeah, but those could be pirates.
271
00:14:24,447 --> 00:14:28,702
Okay, well, then they'll just have to do
till we find some cowboys and Indians.
272
00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:31,371
What?
What "what"? What are you talking about?
273
00:14:33,331 --> 00:14:34,548
ARCHER:
I'm sorry.
274
00:14:34,999 --> 00:14:37,297
I didn't know pirates were...
275
00:14:37,460 --> 00:14:39,554
...still a real thing.
276
00:14:43,966 --> 00:14:46,765
This is not at all what I pictured.
You hear "pirate ship"...
277
00:14:46,928 --> 00:14:49,977
...you think sails, cannonballs.
Not one of these guys has a beard.
278
00:14:50,139 --> 00:14:52,267
Are you done?
Hang on.
279
00:14:52,433 --> 00:14:53,776
Planks. Now I'm done.
280
00:14:53,935 --> 00:14:56,939
The fact that we're still alive
tells me they're gonna try to--
281
00:14:57,105 --> 00:14:58,652
Don't say "rape."
282
00:14:58,815 --> 00:15:00,283
Ransom us.
Awesome.
283
00:15:00,441 --> 00:15:03,490
Compared to rape,
which seems like a thing pirates would do.
284
00:15:03,653 --> 00:15:05,951
Those numskulls who picked us up
were so drunk--
285
00:15:06,114 --> 00:15:08,367
That did seem piratey.
They forgot to search me.
286
00:15:08,533 --> 00:15:11,002
Unless you've got Navy SEALs stuffed
in your pants--
287
00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:13,003
No. I've got the signal beacon.
So?
288
00:15:13,162 --> 00:15:15,665
We stall the pirates
until the ISIS rescue team shows up...
289
00:15:15,832 --> 00:15:19,006
...boards the ship, takes them all out.
Bing, bang, boom.
290
00:15:19,335 --> 00:15:21,337
291
00:15:21,504 --> 00:15:24,849
Which is funny why?
Gee, where do I start?
292
00:15:25,007 --> 00:15:28,136
GILLETTE: I will start with the caviar
and the '38 Montrachet...
293
00:15:28,302 --> 00:15:31,602
...then do the Kobe tartare
with this '42 Lapin...
294
00:15:31,764 --> 00:15:34,563
...and this chocolate terrine looks insane.
295
00:15:34,725 --> 00:15:37,148
And then just send me
to fat camp and pray to God...
296
00:15:37,311 --> 00:15:39,939
...I don't eat all those fat,
delicious childrens.
297
00:15:40,481 --> 00:15:41,983
Because I will gobble them up.
298
00:15:42,150 --> 00:15:46,075
Wow, ISIS has really gone downhill.
But there must be some good agents.
299
00:15:46,237 --> 00:15:49,036
It kills me to say it, but maybe Lana.
300
00:15:49,198 --> 00:15:52,202
I doubt that's what Malory had in mind
when she gave us the card.
301
00:15:52,368 --> 00:15:54,211
You know, we are on a rescue mission.
GILLETTE: Ugh.
302
00:15:54,370 --> 00:15:56,372
Rescue me from myself.
303
00:15:56,539 --> 00:15:57,882
Such a fatty.
304
00:15:58,040 --> 00:16:00,634
I wouldn't put all my rescue eggs
in that basket.
305
00:16:00,793 --> 00:16:02,386
Well, you got a better plan?
306
00:16:02,545 --> 00:16:06,425
I don't. I'm not really a planner.
My process is a little more organic.
307
00:16:06,591 --> 00:16:07,968
308
00:16:08,134 --> 00:16:09,477
309
00:16:09,635 --> 00:16:12,809
So let's just play it by ear,
see where the afternoon takes us.
310
00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:15,566
See? This is why I like to keep it loose.
311
00:16:15,725 --> 00:16:17,727
I mean, the wine's crap, but-- Oh, sorry.
312
00:16:17,894 --> 00:16:20,898
No offense, captain.
No, I am who is sorry.
313
00:16:21,063 --> 00:16:23,031
This from million-dollar yacht.
314
00:16:23,191 --> 00:16:25,910
Now I don't feel bad for killing them.
315
00:16:26,068 --> 00:16:29,538
Serves them right, those jerks.
But you know wine. You rich man.
316
00:16:29,697 --> 00:16:31,995
Me? No, I'm--
Rich man.
317
00:16:32,158 --> 00:16:33,910
My men take this off you.
318
00:16:34,076 --> 00:16:36,249
The Omicron Spacemaster.
319
00:16:36,412 --> 00:16:38,961
Oh, it's actually the Spy--
Spacemaster, yeah.
320
00:16:39,123 --> 00:16:40,716
Good old Spacemaster.
321
00:16:40,875 --> 00:16:43,253
"To Sterling. Love, Mother."
322
00:16:43,419 --> 00:16:45,262
Your mother rich lady.
323
00:16:45,421 --> 00:16:49,392
Yeah, crazy rich.
She invented the splashless urinal cake.
324
00:16:49,550 --> 00:16:50,597
The what?
325
00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:53,058
Well, doesn't matter.
She's rich and she loves me.
326
00:16:53,221 --> 00:16:57,397
And I'm really rich
and this is my manservant, Jerkins.
327
00:16:57,558 --> 00:16:59,276
Funny stuff.
Not now, Jerkins.
328
00:16:59,435 --> 00:17:01,779
So I bet she'd pay
whatever ransom you ask for.
329
00:17:01,938 --> 00:17:04,316
Splashless urinal cakes
have been pretty good to us.
330
00:17:04,482 --> 00:17:07,031
As you can imagine.
Yeah, this good to hear.
331
00:17:07,193 --> 00:17:10,117
But we can't do any of that
"mail somebody a finger" shit--
332
00:17:10,279 --> 00:17:13,032
No, no, no, we take you back to my island.
333
00:17:13,199 --> 00:17:16,624
Call your mother, get big, big money!
Awesome.
334
00:17:16,786 --> 00:17:18,129
Compared to finger-mailing.
335
00:17:18,287 --> 00:17:21,131
So tell me about this island of yours.
336
00:17:21,290 --> 00:17:23,133
It's a tiny little rock called Pangu.
337
00:17:23,292 --> 00:17:27,013
Nothing else within a thousand miles,
and the beacon has been heading straight for it...
338
00:17:27,171 --> 00:17:30,300
...at about 20 knots.
So a ship must have picked them up.
339
00:17:30,466 --> 00:17:32,093
But I've never even heard of Pangu.
340
00:17:32,260 --> 00:17:37,482
Is there a naval base there or...?
Not exactly. It's more of a, uh--
341
00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:38,687
Pirate fortress.
342
00:17:38,849 --> 00:17:42,319
No, yeah, I just wanted to make sure
you said the phrase "pirate fortress."
343
00:17:42,478 --> 00:17:46,779
Which apparently, yes, you did say
the word "pirate," followed by the word--
344
00:17:46,941 --> 00:17:50,536
CAPTAIN: "Fortress." That is the word.
My English so crap.
345
00:17:50,695 --> 00:17:54,745
I bet you just need more practice.
Try this: Jerkins, you're a douche bag.
346
00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:57,035
Funny stuff.
Jerkins, you douche bag.
347
00:17:57,201 --> 00:18:00,580
Well, keep at it. Oh, and, hey,
did we cross the international date line?
348
00:18:00,746 --> 00:18:05,297
Because I can change the date for you
on that Omicron Spacemaster.
349
00:18:05,459 --> 00:18:07,086
Yeah, okay, damn guy.
350
00:18:07,253 --> 00:18:11,178
Yeah, I mean, you wouldn't want
to be walking around like a dickhead...
351
00:18:11,340 --> 00:18:14,719
...with the wrong date
on your Omicron Spymaster.
352
00:18:14,885 --> 00:18:16,683
What the hell, damn guy?
353
00:18:16,846 --> 00:18:18,974
It's the Omicron Spymaster.
354
00:18:19,140 --> 00:18:22,735
Which is why it's got knockout gas
and a garrote and I think even a laser.
355
00:18:22,893 --> 00:18:26,614
And, Riley, do I have to kill everyone myself?
Huh? Oh.
356
00:18:27,690 --> 00:18:29,192
Oh, shit.
357
00:18:29,358 --> 00:18:32,783
Seriously, what the hell, Riley?
I didn't know you were making a move.
358
00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:34,947
Um, dickhead?
Takes one to know one.
359
00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:38,038
No, "dickhead" was the go word.
How was I supposed to know?
360
00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:40,373
Sorry, I forgot to tell you the go word was--
361
00:18:40,536 --> 00:18:41,708
CAPTAIN: Douche bag.
What?
362
00:18:41,871 --> 00:18:43,123
I kill you.
363
00:18:45,875 --> 00:18:48,048
But even still, Riley, you gotta be quicker.
364
00:18:48,210 --> 00:18:51,054
I know you're pretty old--
Now that I know the go word--
365
00:18:51,213 --> 00:18:53,807
No, idiot, it changes every time.
What is it now?
366
00:18:53,966 --> 00:18:57,140
Pirates!
That's kind of confusing since we're on a--
367
00:18:58,554 --> 00:19:02,730
Ow! Come on, that was right in my fricking ear.
Sorry, I know that hurts.
368
00:19:02,892 --> 00:19:05,145
RILEY: Hey, come on.
Happens to me kind of a lot.
369
00:19:05,394 --> 00:19:08,489
Ow!
I actually have, like, mild tinnitus now.
370
00:19:08,648 --> 00:19:11,822
I mean, it's gotten to where
I had to start sleeping with a fan on.
371
00:19:13,319 --> 00:19:15,413
Oh, my God-
Yeah, otherwise it's like:
372
00:19:15,571 --> 00:19:16,663
373
00:19:16,822 --> 00:19:18,916
No, you just killed, like, 10 pirates.
374
00:19:19,075 --> 00:19:23,251
Wow, if the 5-year-old me knew that,
he would get a huge boner.
375
00:19:23,412 --> 00:19:24,834
No idea why I said that.
376
00:19:25,081 --> 00:19:29,086
Once these idiots figure out they can turn those
cannons on the wheelhouse, we're gonna be...
377
00:19:29,251 --> 00:19:30,798
378
00:19:30,961 --> 00:19:32,929
Kind of confused.
What are they doing?
379
00:19:33,089 --> 00:19:34,966
RILEY: Looks like they're surrendering.
Why?
380
00:19:35,132 --> 00:19:36,884
All they have to do--
Who cares why?
381
00:19:37,051 --> 00:19:39,270
I do. What if this is a ruse?
It's not a ruse.
382
00:19:39,428 --> 00:19:41,476
Say something
before they change their minds.
383
00:19:41,639 --> 00:19:43,391
Do they speak English?
384
00:19:43,557 --> 00:19:44,683
Hello, pirates.
385
00:19:44,850 --> 00:19:47,273
Who speaks English?
Let me see some hands.
386
00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:50,189
Wow. Way more than I thought.
387
00:19:50,356 --> 00:19:53,280
Excuse me? Sorry, hi, I'm Noah.
388
00:19:53,442 --> 00:19:56,366
What are you, the first mate, or--?
Oh, God. Oh, well, thanks.
389
00:19:56,529 --> 00:19:58,531
No, I'm a bajak budak.
ARCHER: Okay.
390
00:19:58,698 --> 00:20:02,874
It's sort of a-- I guess the nearest translation
is "slave-pirate"?
391
00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:04,958
Do you speak English?
NOAH: I do. Yes.
392
00:20:05,121 --> 00:20:07,340
They don't, though.
They're just surrendering the ship to you.
393
00:20:07,498 --> 00:20:08,624
394
00:20:08,791 --> 00:20:09,792
Why? And the fort.
395
00:20:09,959 --> 00:20:11,586
You're the new captain.
BOTH: The what?
396
00:20:11,752 --> 00:20:14,301
If you kill the old captain,
you become the new captain.
397
00:20:14,463 --> 00:20:16,966
You don't think of pirates
as having a lot of rules...
398
00:20:17,133 --> 00:20:18,976
...but they do and that's a big one.
399
00:20:19,135 --> 00:20:21,433
Well, uh, tell them hands down.
400
00:20:21,595 --> 00:20:23,313
401
00:20:23,472 --> 00:20:25,065
Holy shit. Did you just see that?
402
00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:26,976
No, I'm too busy looking at that.
403
00:20:27,143 --> 00:20:28,770
What is--? What am I seeing?
404
00:20:28,936 --> 00:20:32,281
NOAH: Oh, the women always throw
a huge feast when we return to port.
405
00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:34,989
Should I tell them to cancel it, or...?
Huh? Uh-- Uh--
406
00:20:35,151 --> 00:20:38,997
No. No, we're totally feasting. Say that.
407
00:20:39,155 --> 00:20:41,453
408
00:20:41,615 --> 00:20:45,461
Nice plan. Once they're good and drunk,
we'll turn this tub around and head home.
409
00:20:45,619 --> 00:20:47,872
Home? Riley, I am home.
410
00:20:48,038 --> 00:20:51,087
What? Over my dead body
you're running away to be a pirate.
411
00:20:51,250 --> 00:20:53,503
Of course I'm not gonna be a pirate.
412
00:20:53,669 --> 00:20:55,717
413
00:20:56,630 --> 00:20:59,509
I'm gonna be a pirate king.
414
00:21:29,121 --> 00:21:30,122
34854
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.