All language subtitles for Watching.the.Detectives.2007.WEBRip.x264-ION10

[footsteps]

[footstep continues]

[screaming]

No.

Please.

Bang!

Nice shot, lover.
What was that for?

This was due back last Thursday.

And besides,
he forgot to rewind.

Gumshoe Video.

If we don't have it, we'll
hit the pavement looking for it.

[crowd cheering and applauding]

Wow, this is amazing.

I don't really know
where to begin.

[gasps]

I told myself I wouldn't cry.

Um... no, seriously, I have
so many people to thank...

I would just like to
start by saying...

[ads playing]
it's you guys that make this...

[crowd booing]

[crowd screaming]
Stop!

Guys, can someone...

[crowd yelling]

[ads playing]Media Giant.

[Buddy] It's horrible.

It's okay.

I know I can't compete with
these big guys, but as long as
I have you guys...

my small and loyal following
of geeks and weirdoes,
I know I'll be alright.

Everyone, have some more beer!

Oh, and stick around,
because later on...

we are gonna have a special
midnight screening of
a 1949 classic She-Gorilla.

Yes!

That's right.

[girl] Yeah!

Alright.

[people chatting]

How was that, man?

You're not supposed to
show ads for two different
video stores...

during the same
commercial break, alright?

Who cares?
When is the show again?

Oh my god, 3:12 a.m.

[illegible] God damn thing.

Those are your people.

-Who? Scottish people?
-Hmm-hmm.

No, no, no, the freaks.

They're up all night, sniffing
glue, watching competitive
jump rope on ESPN for women.

Those are the people
keeping you in business.

-Yeah, you know, you're right.
-I know I'm right.

All I'm saying is I love Neil
as much as everyone.

But it was basically a rip off
of Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid .

[woman chuckles]

-Well, it was.
-Thanks, man.

I would've done something
more deconstructive, like
videotape actual video tape.

-The commercial was dynamite.
-Great, thanks.

And Denise was great.
Where is she?

I guess she didn't show it.
She thinks this whole thing
is a little stupid.

-What?
-Yeah.

-You okay?
-I'm alright.

-Alright, see you guys, bye bye.
-Alright, bye.

Have fun tonight, alright?

[Marcia] I cannot believe
Denise didn't show.

[Neil sobbing]

[baby crying]

[Neil] Hey, I'm just kidding,
I'm just kidding.

[baby crying]

-Great.
-[Neil] I'm just kidding.

Hey, man, come here.

What's up?

Hey, you see that girl?

Um, can you spill water on her?

[giggles]
Like on her tits?

No, uh... in her lap.

-Alright.
-Alright.

Wait.

Alright.

Here.

Don't insult me.

[woman screaming]
[waiter] Oh, my god,
I'm so sorry.

[screaming continues]
[waiter] I'm so terribly sorry.
I'm so horribly sorry.

-Awfully sorry.
-[woman] You should be sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm so very sorry.

-Hey.
-Hey.

-Sorry, I'm late.
-Never mind.

Guess that's what happens when
you turn into a big TV star.

[chuckles]

Oh, what happened with
your dress?

Oh, yeah, it's nothing.

Again, I'm really sorry.

Uh... Denise, do you think
you're a little hard on
that waiter before?

Neil, what do you get out of
hiring some goon to throw
a pitcher of water in my face...

-while you hide...
-It's not a pitcher.

while you were
hiding in the bushes.

You are not sitting in front of
some movie, you are acting out
some immature little game...

if you want this to work,
you'll have to grow up.

Or we could just break up.

What?

Wait a minute,
I came here to tell you
to get your shit together...

you can't turn this into
breaking up with me.

Here we are.

I don't believe this.

The next thing you're gonna
say is, "It's not you, it's me".

No, it's definitely you.

See you're not enough like
Katharine Ross in Butch Cassidy
and the Sundance Kid .

I don't know what that means.

She was so supportive,
she didn't make Paul Newman
feel stupid.

She went along with it.

Well, you know what, Neil?
You can't go long with someone
who's going nowhere...

someone who runs a shitty little
video store that doesn't even
make any money...

and spends his days hanging
around a bunch of dorks talking
about the Seventh Seal.

No, hey, you liked
the Seventh Seal.

I was faking it, you sucker.

Oh, this is Burgman?

The imagery is so powerful!
What a genius!

I'm so happy
you made me watch this.

Hmm!

[Neil] I can't keep sponsoring
Monday nights at the club, man.

-Come on.
-I'm sorry, I can't do it.

I'm getting killed
on Mondays, dude.

Nobody comes out to see
these local bands.

These are shitty bands, man.

Who the hell wants to watch
a bunch of high school metal
heads with names like...

shit and bricks
and Trojan whores.

-Trojan whores?
-Yeah.

I like that.

I don't know.
You gotta help me out, dude.

You got help me out.
I'm taking a bath
on these live shows.

I can't even afford new uniforms
with a soccer ball team.

The other teams are
laughing at us.
It's a total joke.

-Shit.
-I know.

[ads playing]

Oh, I love this,
check out this entrance.

[ads playing]

[TV] What a sucker!

[door bangs]

[TV] You did a very good job
yourself, you didn't need too
much of my help.

No, I don't mind.
I'm in the video store
right now.

No, it's one of those
little shitty ones.

[TV] Yeah, and wouldn't that
break your heart?

What do you think aboutThe City of Lost Children ?

Excellent film by the same guy
who made Delicatessen .

I'm on the phone, actually.

What's Casino ?

To be honest,
I wouldn't recommend it.

It's basically a poor man's
good fellas bet in Vegas.

Hang on, I'm, I'm...
still on the phone.

So which one should I rent?

So which one do you recommend?

[sighs]
[bangs]

All of a sudden, you're mute?

Oh, oh... I take it you're
talking to me now.

Who else would I be talking to?

[chuckles]

It's for a friend who's
at home sick, which one
do you recommend?

What's the matter
with your friend?

Why?

If your friend's got stomach flu
and he's running to the
bathroom every five minutes...

then I'd go for this one.

But if your friend is in some
kind of medication like...

You know what, just surprise me.

This one.

Great, uh...
so how does this work?

What do you mean?

I've never been to
one of these places.

You never rented a movie?

I've been to a movie,
does that count?

Okay, let's start you off
with a membership.

You know what, I knew it was
some kind of racket.

No, not really, you need to
give me your driver's license
and I'll give you a membership.

I don't have a driver's license.

-How do you get around?
-I get around.

Okay, well, I can't give you
a membership until you give
me a driver's license.

Hmm, how about a cash deposit?

I'll give you 20 bucks.

-What? 20 bucks?
-Yeah, 20 American Dollars.

You know, these are all types
you kind of hard to...

Alright, I'll give you 50 bucks
and I don't want to hear
anything more about it.

Fifty it is.

Lucky for you,
I saw my pimp today.

Oh, ah, Fletch, right?

No, his name is Donald.

Well, that's it.
That's all I've got.

Don't blow it all on
cigarettes and toilet wine.

[both chuckle]

-It'll be right here.
-Alright.

Great.

[Neil whistling]

[commentator speaking]

[commentator continues speaking]

[people cheering in TV]

It makes no sense that zombies
eat, they are dead, they have
no digestive system that works.

But they need people's brains
in order to continue to live
in the undead world.

-Yes.
-How come they never puke?

Their insides are full of puke.

I still don't understand why
zombies have to eat people.

why don't they just
go into restaurants?

-Absolutely.
-It doesn't make sense.

They need to eat brains.

But they are already dead.

I understand them killing people
ripping them apart because they
are angry that they are dead.

[Neil] Hi!

-Hi.
-Hi.

You like the movie?

Um... yeah.

Cool.

We made it
half way through, huh?

Um... yeah.

-You want to see something cool?
-Sure.

Watch this.
Hey, guys, guys, here!

Hey.

Okay, okay.

She stopped it when Clancy is
following the professor.

My love, don't embarrass
the family. It's clearly,
the race track scene.

Please, she obviously stopped
where the goons jump Clancy
back at his apartment.

Hmm.

You're on crack.

This movie is stopped
at the scene in the night club.

Just as Baxter...
depending on the tracking...

just when he confesses
killing the Gypsy.

That's crazy.

Why would anyone stop at just
when he's about to confess?

[laughing]

You're right.

Precisely, hey, she wouldn't.
She would be dying to know
who killed the Gypsy.

Until I put it to you,
ladies and gentleman...

that she fell asleep before
the Gypsy was murdered.

And then she woke up
in the nightclub scene...

and then not being able to
appreciate the ironic tragedy
of Baxter having to murder...

the only person who could
got him out of the hook,
she shut it off.

I don't know, put it in.

He seems a little...

[woman grunts]
Let's see.

[TV playing]

[characters speaking]What's wrong with that?

- Will you cut that music out!
- Cut out the rest of the fuss!

Why did you kill her?

[laughing and applauding]

Cool... but scary.

Listen, I'm still gonna have
to charge you full price...

even though you only
watched half the movie, sorry.

Uh... guys, did anyone
take an envelope from
underneath the register...

written on it
was nothing at all?

You wrote the words,
"nothing at all",
on the envelope?

I don't even
understand the question.

[Marcia] Yeah, I'm confused.

-No?
-No.

Looks like I have mislaid
your deposit.

I'm sorry.

This is where you offer me 50
dollars' worth of movie rental.

It's a pretty good idea.

You know what, no offense,
but I don't think I'm really
gonna use it.

You get a lot of good
movies for 50 dollars.

Or you could just take me out
to a 50-dollar dinner.

Oh.

Well, I could just use the
cash as well, just the cash.

No, no, no.

That's a great idea.

I can write it off
as a business dinner.

[chuckles]

Uh... tonight?

Sure.

Do you know a place
called Lightsides?

-Hmm.
-Alright.

I'll see you there at eight.

-Deal.
-Cool.

-Uh, Violet.
-Oh, Neil.

[both chuckling]

[woman laughing]

She asked me.

Hey, when your done fucking
the customers, want to play
Trivia Pursuit with us?

No, thank you.

[TV playing]

[Neil whistling]

Hi.

-Ha-ha.
-Well, well, well.

Look who decide to finally
show up for a date.

Uh, I'm only three minutes late.

We're on a business trip.

I gotta tell you though,
it's a hell of a happy hour.

[tapping on the couch]

They got the best goddamn
peanuts in town.

-What?
-Peanuts, P-E-A-nuts.

-Oh, alright.
-Peanuts.

I guess you've
been here a while.

Okay, enough with the chitchat.

You gonna take me back
to your place or what?

Uh, you know my car is right
outside, I can give you a ride,
or maybe I can call you a cab?

-What do you think?
-You sure you don't
wanna take me home?

-Hmm...
-Neil, look at me...

-I'm wasted.
-Yeah.

I mean, like shooting
a fish in a barrel.

[Violet laughing]

Uh, you know, Violet?
I think you are very attractive.
Really, you're very attractive.

But come on, I mean, what kind
of guy would I be if I...

take you home
and take advantage of you.

[Neil whispers] You know?

-So...
-You're such a nice guy, Neil.

I'm gonna cry.

It's just really refreshing
to meet such a decent
person these days.

Vodka and soda.

Um...

I'll have the screwdriver.

I thought there'll
always be a market...

a group of customers
who needed something
a little more personal...

and a little more intimate?

Sure.

Plus, most of these big stores
don't have more than a few Alt
movies, hardly any B movies...

Sci-fi, Neway, forget about it.

That's a bummer.

I know.

Plus, I find out there's gonna
be another Media Giant store
opening at least a mile away.

Did they send over a bunch of
guys in suits with cash in their
briefcases try to buy you out?

No, I'm not really a threat,
they don't need to buy me out.

-Goons with crowbars?
-Um, no.

No?

No goons so far.

Um, I guess we've eaten almost
50 dollars' worth of food?

-Alright.
-Ah...

Not so fast, big boy,
you owe me a 50-dollar dinner.

I put my own tally in...

that'd be about...

[machine clicks]

about 37 bucks.

Um, I'll have a brownie Sundae
and a cup of coffee and...

right, a piece of key-lime pie.

So, what are we gonna do
about that big video store?

I mean, I assumed that everybody
would feel the same way
that I felt, you know?

But no, no, no, no.

Most people just want to get in
their cars, they want to drive
to the local store and...

rent the latest disaster
movie, you know?

Well, there's not many people
just wanna come in and have
a leisurely stroll around...

maybe talk about cool break,
shoot the shit... No!

Sis.

[TV] Media Giant online, renting
your favorite new releases
as easy as watching.

Um, which version of theInvasion of the Body Snatchers
would you recommend...

the 1956 version,
or the 1978 version?

We're closing in a few minutes.

Psst! Sh-ht!

[whispers] Come here!

[Violet] Hurry!

Uh... so what's in your mind?

After he leaves, we'll go out
and switch the DVDs so that
they are all in the wrong boxes.

That could take all night.

It'll only a take a second to
throw a rock through
the window, smart guy.

[laughing]

[DVD boxes click]

Fancy, put something
really dirty in here.

Alright.

Here you go.

[unintelligible]

Here.

So we never really...
got to talk about
you so much...

what is that you do?

Hmm, I'm looking for
something I like.

Alright, what was your last job?

Doing a little this,
a little that.

Uh-uh, and... what is it,
you know, you want to do?

I don't know, have you
never noticed how small
jobs get boring pretty quick?

Yeah, yeah.

I would totally hire you,
you know, if you didn't
fuck up my inventory.

[Violet laughing]

Could I have a disc?

[police car siren]

Shh!

[siren continues]

Good idea!

[screams]

[alarm ringing]

[both gasping]

Oh my god, I think
I'm having a heart attack.

My stomach.

Silent alarm?
I can afford a silent alarm,
forget about it.

Why did I eat all that dessert?

That was fun.

Yeah, it wasn't bad
for a Tuesday.

Um, so, if we can get back to
the car, can I give you a lift?

No, you go, I think we've got to
split up for the night.

Well, what are you gonna do?

I'm just gonna lay low till
the heat dies out, you know?

What?
Just gonna hang in the yard?

I don't know, there's probably
a Frisbee around here somewhere.

I'll be fine.

What are you doing?

Look at that, whole new guy.

Just remember,
if they catch you,
deny everything.

Alright.

Oh, Neil, you certainly give me
a lot to think about.

I'll never rent from
that video store again.

Tell me about it.

Not just because they almost
certainly have our picture
behind the counter...

-[Neil] Alright, well... why?
-Ah!

[Violet] Hey, Neal.

Neal, psst, hey, you.

Yeah?

[Violet whispers]
We forgot the goodnight kiss.

I mean, you know,
if you wanted
the goodnight kiss.

Yeah, sure.

Um...

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

[kissing]

[Violet] Okay.
I'll catch you later.

Okay.

Tell you what, man,
that was the weirdest
first date I'd ever had.

Yeah, sounds to me like that
chick's cookoo for coco puffs.

I mean, did she have
a tendency to mutter
things loud to herself?

No.

Alright,
then she's not schizophrenic.

Did she have wild mood swings?

No, she was pretty
consistently out there.

Alright, then she's not bipolar.

Does she have an unusual
tendency to count things?

Um, well, she did get a bit
obsessed about the bill.

Yeah, but I mean, did she touch
the bill a lot, touch a lot
doorknobs, OCD style?

No.

Are we gonna play this game,
or you just list off...

every diagnosis just to show
me how much you know
about psychology?

I'm pretty sure
the girl isn't crazy?

Yeah, okay.
You're gonna go out
with her again?

I don't know, I don't have
a number and I don't know
where she lives.

You gotta Google her ass.
That's what you gotta do.

-I don't know her last name.
-[man] Hello?

-Oh, customer, I got it.
-Alright, thanks, man.

Sorry.

-Hey.
-Hey.

I went inside to look for you,
but you weren't there.

The store was totally empty,
it was creepy.

I thought maybe you're having
those promotional deals...

like you are in a special post
apocalyptic movies or something.

Nah, I was just passing time.

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

Nice. Hey, do you know
how to "dunk slam" it?

Yeah, I've been known
to "dunk slam" in my day.

Ah, nice steal.

I want to learn how to do it.

Okay, first of all,
it's called a "slam dunk".

Yeah?

Wow!
[wall bangs]

You hear that?

You gotta take these things in
baby steps, today, you'll learn
that it's called a slam...

Oh shit!

-dunk.
-This one's
for all the marvels...

the world finals.
Five, four, three, two, one!

Yes!

God's will! God's will!

Well, the ball has to be in the
air when the clock runs out...

you count down the clock,
and then you jump,
so the game's over.

I'm pretty sure it's the player,
as long as the player's in the
air when the time runs out.

Uh, no, it's the ball.

I'm pretty sure it's the player.

It's the ball.

Um, but you can come
down now if you want.

No, you come up here.

It's nice, you'll like it.

Aren't your hands killing you?

Yeah.

Wanna go pool hopping?

Uh, no.

[laughs]

You carry binoculars?

Oh, yeah, you'll be surprised
how often these babies
come in handy.

People are doing all sorts of
nasty things in privacy
of their homes.

Seems unfair we shouldn't
get a peek at it, right?

Looks like the manager is
saying they still can't find
anything missing.

And the cop is saying maybe
they are just some kids
having some fun.

And the manager's saying that
from the security tape they
don't look like kids.

Although the female cooperator
seems quite fetching.

I suppose she could pass as a
college student in a TV show.

And the cop is like, "yeah,
she was quite beautiful in a
unique and fascinating way...

almost like the sunrise
on a misty morning".

Is this how most people get
caught coming back to the scene?

I have an idea, let's go
to my store and watch a movie.

Oh, always with the movies...
that's the difference
between you and me...

I like you, Neil, but clearly
you sit around and you're
content to just watch...

and me, I have to
be doing something.

I'm perfectly aware right now
what I'm doing is sitting
around watching...

so don't bother
pointing out the irony.

Huh-huh.

Don't get me wrong,
last night was very
very exciting...

and I guess this is
exciting too...

and given that we're definitely
gonna get busted sitting here,
but...

can we just go?

Hmm, okay.

So where did you grow up?

Alaska, and Stockholm
and Cape Town,
but mostly Tasmania.

-Wow, that sounds incredibly...
-Exciting?

I was just gonna say made up?

So where did you go to school?

A mystery school
for young women.

[chuckles]

Hmm, that sounds hot.

Oh, yeah.

We all wore baby doll pyjamas
and we had pillow fights
every night.

And when Ms. Stern caught us,
She doused us all with baby oil.

Terrific.

Terrific.

-So do you live around here?
-No.

-Oh.
-What?

Did you think we're going back
to my place?

Slow down, Casanova.

No, I was just hoping to get
some confirmation that you
actually live around here.

I can't shake off the feeling
that you're just blowing through
the town like a carnival.

Well, I can't give my address
out to anybody, I'm sure
you'll understand.

Huh-huh.

Well.

I gotta go do some stuff.

OK, well, thanks for stopping by
maybe you'll stop by again.

Nah.

Actually, I'm ready to give
you my phone number.

Cool.

I want you to be very careful
with this number, Neil.

Sure, I'll memorize the number
And eat the paper,
how does that sound?

I wouldn't recommend it.
It's scented note paper.

you'd be better off
flushing it down to the toilet.

Okay, I wasn't actually gonna do
that, but sure, I'll flush it.

You are a sweet heart.

[Lucien] Neil, what're you gonna
do when this place goes tits up?

[Neil] I don't think it's gonna
happen for a few years...

not until people can get
any movie they want to,
directly in a TV set...

and I'm dead meat.

You should go back to school.

I mean, look at me.
I have absolutely no
concept of the real world.

Hmm.

I think you need to find a way
to supplement your business.

You gotta turn this place
into a single's club.

People come in here, they tell
you their favorite movies...

and you match them up
with the perfect mate
using that information.

Yeah, that's a great idea.

You can charge woman 100 bucks.

And no matter what they
tell you, you just give them
my phone number.

If I set you up with someone
who likes Ben Affleck...

you'd throw her out
of a moving car.

I don't know. Is she cute?

[John] Alright, this is
what you gotta do?

You gotta turn this place into
a late night underground casino.
Make some cash!

Lots of towns have these
secret gambling clubs...

places making like
50 grand a night.

Right, but if it's a secret,
how do people know to come?

Uh, good question.

You let it leak out
through word of mouth.

Well, then it's not a secret
anymore and then
you get busted.

That's why you have secret
password, something like
ice station zebra or rosebud.

No, no, no.
You can't say rosebud,
you'll ruin citizen Kane.

No, you don't, the only way
you ruin citizen Kane is you
tell people rose bud is a sled.

Rosebud is a sled?

Yes, it's a sled,
it's the last shot out of...
what film school do you go to?

How do you let people know
what the secret password is?

You let it leak out
what the password is.

-It's a secret.
-Yeah.

Then it's not a secret,
then you get busted.

-He's right.
-I think you're over-analyzing.

-You can't have a secret...
-I know you're over-analyzing.

Excuse me, excuse me,
I'm looking for Neil Louis,
the guy who owns this place.

-That's him.
-That's the guy.

That's me.

I'm Detective Lowenstein,
this is Detective Barlow.

We were wondering if we could
have a word with you.

Oh, sure.

Um, you want to
come into my office?

-[Neil] Guys, can you
hold down the fort?
-Yeah.

You see that?

And you thought we don't live
in a totalitarian society.

All you have to do is even
mention opening up
a secret gambling joint...

the cops crack down.

Shut up.

What can I do for you, fellas?

So you own
and operate this store.

Yes, I do.

And you have
just this one store.

Yes.

So it must really
be tough for you...

with these big franchise video
stores bringing up every day,
must really tick you off...

These big guys driving
you out of business?

What's the deal
with the old costumes?

Oh, those... I use them
for promotions...

if we were doing any special
on classic horror films,
I'll dress up as [illegible]

I think you like to play games,
you little cock sucker.

We're not gonna beat
around the bush, Mr. Louis.

we know that you vandalized
the Media Giant video store
on Tuesday night.

You're in a shitload
trouble, shitface.

You're actually in
a very fortunate situation.

The person we're more interested
in is your accomplice.

My accomplice?

No, I mean...

Alright, cut the
mealy mouth act, shithead.

We want to talk about the girl.

We're willing to let you
slide on this thing...

if you can just tell us
where we can find the girl.

Why? I mean I barely know here.
How come you guys
are looking for her?

You don't ask the
goddamn question!

We ask the goddamn questions!

You don't need to know
what she did, Mr. Louis.

What you need is tell us
where we can locate her.

Okay. I don't know
where she lives, I swear.

You obviously have some way
of contacting her.

A phone number, maybe.

No, no, she didn't give me
any number.

Alright, enough with this shit.

You're gonna tell us where
to find the girl, or the only
costume you'll be wearing...

is this one!

What are you doing?

You know goddamn well
what I'm doing.

Oh, yeah, I think you know.
Alright, back off!

-This is mine!
-I tried.

Here he comes.
Do it.

[laughing]

[laughing continues]

[laughing]

I owe you guys so big!

[laughing continues]

I met Tony at a Karaoke bar
and Rick is my next door
neighbor.

Don't they look like cops?

[laughing]

Oh, come on.
You cannot be mad about that.

Are you kidding me?

I thought I was going to jail,
I thought I was gonna
lose the store.

-Wasn't it wild?
-I thought that guy was gonna
do something to me.

You thought he
was gonna bugger you.

[laughing]

Jesus Christ.

But you didn't give
them my phone number...

even though you thought you
were gonna get buggered.

I didn't actually think
he's gonna really bugger me.

The whole good cop bad cop
routine was a little
over the top.

You were so brave.

[Violet chuckles]

I gotta go home
and do some stuff.

What are you doing tomorrow?

I don't know, I'll probably
spend some time in the store.

I'll come visit you.

You can teach me the difference
between thrillers and chillers.

[Violet laughing]

Hey, guys.

-Oh, hey.
-Hey.

Can you watch the store
for a while?

-Could we order a pizza?
-No.

Then yes, I will watch.

Alright.

-Neil!
-Neil, hi, cutie.

What are you doing?

This is good, you can settle
an argument for us.

It's not really an argument.

It's a difference
of opinion anyway.

Okay, what is it?

What's happening?
Where are you going?

What are you doing?

I'm following a girl, okay?
It is important. What's up?

I think the baby should wear
sunglasses so he doesn't
stare at the sun and go blind.

And you think that's stupid.

Yes, I do, I think it's stupid.
Why would a baby stare
at the sun?

Why wouldn't a baby stare
at the sun? He is a baby,
he doesn't know any better.

Get down, get down, get down.

[kid giggling]

You're killing me, buddy.

A baby wouldn't stare at the sun
any more then it would hold
his breath and drop dead.

Thank you.

Is this what
married life is like?

[cats mewing]

[Violet] Kitties.

There you go.

-Ha!
-Fuck!

[laughing]

[laughing continues]

I'm sorry.

You'd be a lousy spy, Neil.

Oh, no, I wasn't.
I wasn't spying.

You know, I'm totally
cool with...
the cats and everything.

I totally understand.

You know, wipe that look
of pity off your face
it's not my house.

My place is a dump,
but it's a step up
from this place.

-Oh.
-I'll be right out.

Okay. Okay.

I sneak over every now and then
to make sure Mrs. Calman
doesn't forget to feed them.

I have this fear that I'll
walk in one day and they'll be
eating her fingers and toes.

[Neil] Yeah.

I should have known it wasn't
your place when I saw
that TV set.

I have a TV set, look.

Oh.

Do you ever think that if you
got a real TV set so that you
wouldn't feel the need...

to go around playing
all these adventures?

Hmm.

I like to think that because
I lead a life of adventure
that I don't need a TV set.

Besides, what has televisions
got that I haven't got?

Game shows?

Hmm, I have a Monopoly set
here somewhere.

Except all of the pieces missing
except for the top pat
and the little dog.

Hmm, ESPN Classic?

I don't know what that is.

I have something
called a Space Channel.

Oh, really?

I also have some selection
of pornography channels

♪ Oh help me,
I want to lay down. ♪

♪ Oh, help me ♪

♪ I want to lay down. ♪

♪ I follow my own song. ♪

♪ Oh I follow my own song. ♪

♪ And I screwed some fakes. ♪

♪ And I loved so soft. ♪

♪ The pink mountaintops. ♪

-[Marcia] Hi.
-Hi.

Hi, where are you going?

I'm going to the park.

We're going to the park,
you come with us.

Well, I'm kind of
meeting someone.

Ah, a new girlfriend, right?

The one that we stalked
the other day?

-Yes.
-Yeah, can we meet her, please?

You want to meet her?

Yes, please.

I'm going to get the car.

[Marcia] Good times!

Um...

Child locks.

-Hi.
-Hi.

-You brought friends.
-Yeah.

Oh, are you nervous
about something?

you've got that stinky
breath people get
when they are nervous.

No, it's just...
they are very good quiet people
and they have a baby...

Can you not do that?

-Hi.
-Hi.

Violet, this is Marcia,
this is Buddy.

It's so nice to meet you.

Who is this?

This is Emerson.

Oh my gosh, can I hold him?

-Of course you can.
-I want to hold a baby.

-Here you got him?
-Yeah.

[everyone screams]

[everyone laughs]

Listen, we're so sorry that
we're in on the date, but we
just really wanted to meet you.

No, don't be silly,
there's plenty of food.

Plenty of food, Emerson!

This is nice, I'm so glad
you can join us.

Wow, you made food.

Let's see what we've got.

Now I wish I could say
I made all of this, but...

[laughs]

What are you up to?

Now this, I did make.

Oh my god, I love this.
I have tried to make this
a couple of times...

and it always just sucks.

It's true.

Did you put LSD in the jello?

Oh my god, how did you know?

Believe it or not,
the secret ingredient is salt.

-Really?
-Hmm-hmm.

I know it sounds gross,
but it's true.

Not surprising, because there's
actually a lot of dessert
recipes that call for salt.

-Really?
-It's true.

It's amazing.

So you guys start...

I'm actually gonna go
and feed the ducks.

[Marcia] Okay.

You are going away?

-I love her.
-Yeah.

[Buddy] She's a keeper.

-Yeah.
-[Marcia] And she's pretty.

-Yeah.
-She is a hell cat.

[laughing]

Hi, there.

-Hello.
-Hi.

Beautiful day, isn't it?

Yeah, it really is.

Oh, no.

Um... how come you guys
are eating our food?

So what was the bet?

If the bucks won,
I could shove a burrito
in your face.

The last time you lost,
I was supposed to get to
piss on your foot.

I never did.

What are you waiting for?

You want to piss on my foot,
be my guest.

-Hey, Neil.
-Yeah.

You want to see me
piss on his foot?

Sure, yeah,
just not in the store.

-Take your sneaker off.
-Wait slow down.

Now listen, why don't we go
double or nothing on
tonight's game?

I don't understand
what I get if I win?

How do I double up
pissing on your foot?

Both feet.

Oh, shit,
I forgot about the game.

I'm supposed to
go to Violet's tonight.

What? The prankster
doesn't let you watch TV?

It's not that. It's just she
likes to act stuff out,
like a scene I guess.

She couldn't be
more perfect for you.

You think so, right?

Too bad, man, it's gonna
be a great game.

I know, shit.

Are your friends mad at me?

No, they thought it was cute.

Um, so where is
the cat lady tonight?

I don't know,
sometimes she goes out.

I think she's balling that guy
that picks up aluminium cans.

Hmm.

Do you think we should go
and check on the cats?

Not especially.

It's been dark over there
for a few hours now.

I think we should go
and check on them.

What's your angle?

Why?

[commentator speaking on TV]

[Neil cheers]
Yes!

[table bangs]
Yes!

Sorry.

Wow, that was the first cool
thing that happened all night.

Come on, that was amazing.

Wait, are you pissed because
I want to watch the game?

No, I just don't get it, if you
like basketball, we could be out
playing basketball right now.

We could be sneaking into
a high school gym, playing
basketball by candle light.

Yeah, no.

But sometimes,
it's nice to do something...

that's fun not
screwy and weird.

You know?

[Violet sighs]

Whenever I'm in a cemetery
I tried to look for the grave
of somebody...

who died the day I was born.

And then you steal
a headstone and dumped it
on someone's doorstep.

No, just to gives you
something to think about.

That guy is here,
now he's gone and I'm here.
I'm taking his place, you know?

Would he want me to sit around
watching TV all day?

No.

He would want me to run around,
all sorts of shit.

Is this why you feel the need to
go out and cause trouble?

I have a condition.

It's called bore-phobia.

Bore-phobia?

Bore-phobia.

I see, you're
allergic to boredom.

A very exotic
and misunderstood disorder.

So you can understand
why doctors are reluctant to
diagnose it.

Hey look, you know, I...

I hear what you are saying.

And I wish I could be
more totally reckless,
and I'm trying.

I mean, if you wanna
go nude hang-gliding,
I'll go nude hang-gliding.

Really?
Because I know this guy.

-Not right now.
-It's a guy...

But I could call him.

Not right now,
just let me finish.

I want to those things, but just
in a little more not insane way.

So I'll go nude hang-gliding...

but I just don't want to
go to bed and then wake up...

and find myself in a hang-glider
with no clothes on.

Are you okay with that?

I understand.

Good.

You want to
come back to my place?

I don't think so.

-Are you upset with me?
-No, not at all.

It's just you got in my head now
you are getting on your clothes
into a hang glider without...

waking up, it's just
my wheels are spinning.

I just don't think you really
want me to be in bed with
you tonight.

Right.

Fair enough.

[singing]

[singing continues]

-Hey.
-Hey.

-A good crowd.
-Yeah, it's a really
good band tonight.

We've got the singer
and the keyboard player from
the American Sex Club.

They also get the guitars
and bass player from
the Mustache Rides.

Plus, tonight they got the
drummer from Tard sitting in,
so should be pretty bad-ass.

You lost me, dude.

Okay, look, the drummer is
normally in a band called Tard,
tonight he is not, alright?

Alright, ...
-Yeah, you go check it out.

It's probably better that way,
learn from doing.

Neil, see you later.

So she likes musicians, huh?

[doorbell rings]

[singing]

Thank you and good night.

That was great.

Of course it was great, baby.

Why don't you get me a beer?

[Neil coughing]
[Violet laughing]

So, you do this
kind of thing much?

Balling guitar players?
I don't usually
go for musicians.

Really?

Why did you think
that I did, Neil?

Uh, I heard
that chicks dig musicians.

No, magicians,
we go nuts for magicians.

Get the wax out of your ears.

Oh?

So you never dated a musician
not even that guy that I saw you
with at Baltimore Jacks?

I always know when you
are spying on me.

I get a little warm spot on the
back of my neck right here.

That was for my benefit?

[laughing]

You're a sicko.

Maybe, but I managed to
bring out a rock star in you.

I've dated a few musicians
but I swore off.

Really, why is that?

Well, first, there was
Garry Leathers.
[illegible]

[Neil] At least he had
a great stage name.

Except that wasn't a stage name.

Garry Leather's just a given
name, stage name was
Randy Cocks.

[laughs]
Nice.

And then there was
Rick Niamacus.

Rick's all the ambition in life
was play the entire guitars
solo from hot for teacher.

[guitar playing]

Once in a day,
he did it.

After more than ten years,
he finally nailed it.

And after filling his ambition
in life, there is really only
one thing left for him to do...

[screaming]

[Violet] Oh god! Oh my god!

-Wow.
-Hmm.

And that put you off
for musicians forever.

No, but you would think so.

Finally there was Garth Bodka.

Gigantic bald,
musical prodigy from Poland.

See I thought
Rock and Roll was a problem...

but this classically trained
gargantuan was ten times
worse than the rest.

[Neil] Hmm, and how did that go?

[Violet] Hmm, he's been chasing
me all over the country
for the last three years.

I move to another city,
he follows me and breaks
down my door.

I move to somewhere else,
he tracks me down again,
breaks down my door again.

I'm tired, I'm gonna go to bed.
Good night.

-Here you go.
-I'll take this.

-Yeah?
-Yeah, I'll take this.

Okay.

Steve Jackson.

It's a nice generic name
you've got there, Steve.

I guess.

Interesting accent.

Where's the accent from?

-Wyoming.
-Right.

You catch the game
last night, Steve?

I think Lakers are gonna
win it all again this year.

Just like they did last year.

Yeah.

Lakers didn't win the champion
last year, Steve.

Can I just get my card please?

[Neil sighs]

Remember when you were
wondering why we don't have
many customers?

[movie playing]

[man laughing]

[laughing continues]

That's him.
That's the guy.

What are you talking about?

Alright, knock it off!
You crazy fucking polark!

[audience applauding]

I got my eye on you, alright?

You ever set foot anywhere
near Violet, I will personally
shit down your throat.

You got it?

What was that?

Oh, oh man.

Violet, she's playing these
tricks on me, she tries to
get inside of my mind...

She thinks it's funny, so she
tells me this guy after her...

this bald guy, ex-boyfriend.

Shh!

Try to watch the movie.

You're the polark.

You're Polish?

Jerry Lucy is gonna
make a salad.

Hello.
[door knocking]

Violet?

Hello?

[door knocking]
Violet!

Violet!

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

-Jesus!
-Neil!

[Violet screams]

Jesus, Violet.

[screams]

This is bullshit.

[screams]

[screaming continues]

Come on now.
I get it.

[gasps]

Fuck, fuck.

Okay, okay, okay.

[Neil screams]

You said no one
was gonna get hurt.

What was in your jacket?

God, Neil,
you and your video tapes.

I'm sorry he hurt your head
you think you can make it home
alright?

Yeah, I'm okay.

-Nice to meet you.
-Nice to meet you too.

Denis.

Pa-pa.

[chuckles]

You know every time I see you
I feel I'm in one of those
hidden camera shows?

It's not so bad, people love
those shows, right?

No. I don't love those shows.
I hate those shows.

I mean what was
I supposed to do tonight, huh?

What was supposed to happen?

I don't know!
Whatever you want to do.

You are the guy who sits
around all day watching
this kind of shit on TV.

What does the guy on TV do?

What do you mean watch this
kind of shit? How do you know
what I am watching?

Oh my god, do you spy on me?

Da.

[chuckles]

-That is crazy!
-Why?

Come on, you can't see
how crazy that is?

There is not one guy in the
world would go out with a girl
who spies on him.

But we're not going out,
we're getting to
know each other.

We're finding out
about each other.

Frankly, there's no better way
to know somebody than to catch
them in their unguarded moments.

Everybody can say all the right
things on those first few dates.

I find that's an effective way
to cut through the bullshit.

And you followed me
just the other day.

-Well...
-Uh-huh.

Yes, I followed.

Look, you were being cagey,
you were practically begging
me to follow you home.

I'm not one of those insecure
girls who runs around spying
on a boyfriend...

because she thinks he
may be cheating on him.
That is just sad.

No, you definitely
project confidence.

Yeah, yeah.

I happen to think
I'm a real catch...

so why shouldn't I be thorough
about who I go out with?

Yes, so I watched you
and I find out you are
a very decent person.

You are.

So if it's the spying
that bothers you, I promise
to put down my binoculars.

Unless you want to go
bird-watching in which
I would gladly do.

Even though it sounds
kind of boring.

Um...

No, I'm sorry,
I can't... I can't...

[door bangs]

Oh, man.

[Lucien] I still say that Korean
snuff cartoons are much better
than Japanese death-match anime.

[John] I say the Japanese
death-match anime...

is much, much better
than Korean snuff cartoons.

I still say that Korean snuff
cartoons are much better than
Japanese death-match anime.

You're crazy!

Japanese death-match anime
is so much better than
Korean snuff cartoons.

You're crazy!

-Korean snuff cartoons...
-Shut up! Shut up!
Shut up! Shut up!

Excuse me, you guys have any
Japanese death-match anime?

Yes, but we can't talk about it,
because our boss broke up
with his girlfriend.

I think I'm gonna leave
you guys alone.

Hey.

Have you ever seen any
Korean snuff cartoons?

-No.
-Yeah, nobody has. It's garbage.

-Hi Neil!
-Hi.

-How is it going?
-Good, good, how are you?

-Good, you look good.
-I know, thank you.

-You do too.
-Thanks

It's so funny I was just
thinking about you.

-Is that a fact?
-Yeah.

-Hey, you.
-Oh, hey.

This is Chad.

-Chad.
-Hi.

This is the guy I was just
telling you about.

Your old boyfriend?

Yeah, guilty.

They guy that let the waiter
throw a bucket of water
on you?

First of all, it wasn't a bucket
and I was just trying to observe
from a distance her reaction...

Sounds like a perv to me.

That's cool.

So you were just hanging
in the bushes and jerking off
like some pathetic peeping tom?

We should definitely
get together some time.

[Lucien] Last but not least,
there's a letter...

from a place called
Movie Dork Video
in San Clement.

This guy is going under
and he needs to liquidate.

So he wants 3000 bucks.

And if we buy everything for
3000 bucks, he'll give us
free shipping, which is great...

but obviously, there's a lot of
crap here we don't need, like
8 copies of Ernest Ghosts camp.

But he does have some stuff
that we don't have.

So we could just take everything
and save on the shipping,
which is not a bad idea...

or we can cherry-pick
and...

[DVDs banging]

We can do this later,
if you want.

Oh, god, Lucien.
She's ruined it for me, Lucien.

It's all so boring now.

Hey, let's put in a movie.

No, no more movies.

It's no use, it's not
enough anymore, you know?

It's just all so mundane
and so predictable, Lucien.

Oh, hey, look.
It's Jason.

Jason is gonna come in here...

and he's gonna hand me a package
and then he's gonna
hand me his thing...

And I'm gonna sign the thing
and hand it right back to him
and he's gonna get in his truck.

He's gonna drive off.

Woo...
it's so predictable, Lucien.

It's not enough anymore.

You know, where is the...
where's the adventure, you know?

There is no adventure, man.

Where is the adventure, Lucien?

You signed "Neil Adventure".

I did?

Crossed out "Adventure",
you wrote "Adventure" again...

What does it matter, Jason?

Huh?

Matters because I'm
responsible for any package...

that doesn't have a valid
signature of receipt.

-Jesus Christ.
- I don't make the rules.

Lighten up, Jason.

[phone ringing]

[phone ringing]

[ringing continues]

Gumshoe Video.

Do you guys have westerns?

Yes, we do.

OK, I really want to rent
a couple of Westerns, but I only
have enough money for one.

As it happens, we're actually
doing a special tonight,
which means you can get...

Here is the thing, I only feel
comfortable renting the Westerns
from a guy dressed as a cowboy.

Do you have anybody there
dressing like a cowboy?

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

[phone ringing]

Gumshoe Video.

Why did you hang up on me?

Um, I guess I'm never
gonna learn huh?

I know, it's brilliant.

So I wonder how you knew
what I was wearing.

Don't bother looking out the
window, I'm actually at work.

You have a job?

Yeah, you wanna come
pick me up from work?

Um... well, I was gonna
give the store open for
another hour, so...

You have to come now.

Yeah, I guess I could...
I guess I could come now.

Parking lot behind
the bookstore and then
walk north up the alley.

Hmm, this sounds dubious.

Oh, it's very dubious.

There is a stair leading up
to the door on the second floor.

Doorway to the second floor,
got it.

[door creaks]

When you get to the door, you're
gonna give it three long knocks
and three short knocks.

Three long knocks,
three short knocks, got it.

And Neil, you absolutely have
to keep the cowboy outfit on.

[Violet chuckles]

[door banging]

[man laughs]

Oh, hey, take it easy, brother.

-Just take it easy.
-Wait, man.

-Hey.
-Hang on.

-You hang on.
-Hang on.

Come on.

Okay, cow boy,
just be cool, alright?

Don't do anything crazy.

God damn it, Glenn,
just give him the cash!

Alright, nobody needs to
get hurt, okay?

Okay, guys?

Alright, Glenn.
[clearing throat]

Why don't you just toss
that pouch over here
real nice and easy like?

[Neil] Then we'll just
take it from there.

Good.

Now you stay right there,
I'm just gonna take a look at
the little Missy here.

What the hell is going on
in here, Glenn?

Be careful, Andy,
he's got a gun.

How did he get in here, Glenn?

We let him in, Andy.

Why did you let him in, Glenn?

He used the secret knock, Andy.

I told you the secret knock
was a bad idea!

-No, you didn't.
-Yes, I did!

I said as soon as
you leak it out,
it's not a secret anymore!

No, that's what you said about
the secret password, Andy.

It's the same
goddamn thing, Glenn!

Alright, guys,
I get it, I get it.

Andy, come on, Andy.

I get it, come on.

Why don't you step
over there behind the desk...

-Damn it, Glenn!
-Andy!

What's he wearing?

-What does it look like?

-It looks like a dress.
-No, it's a poncho.

He's obviously a cowboy,
you've never seen
a cowboy before?

So what have you guys
got going on here, huh?

[crowd talking]

Holy shit!

An underground black jack club.

Bang!

Hey, you look like the good,
the bad and the ugly.

Come here, poncho!

After him!

Faster!

[Glenn grunts]

Shit!

Bang!

-Glenn! Glenn!
-Andy, what?

What are you doing?

I'm washing myself,
I'm cooling down, I'm hot.

What happened to
your head, you okay?

I fell down.

You okay?

No, I'm not okay,
I've got a headache.

[windows banging]

Hey.

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!
Do you know what we did?

Listen, Neil, it wasn't supposed
to be dangerous, the owner
wasn't supposed to be there...

I never thought for a minute
that somebody was gonna
shoot at you.

Holy shit, that was the wildest
thing I've ever done
in my whole life.

How many people can say they've
done something like that?

I thought you'd never want to
see me again.

Are you kidding me?

There was like
20,000 dollars in this bag.

How long have you
been planning this?
I mean, this is genius.

Wait, you know I think that
they think it's an inside job.

Because if they do,
you should quit right away, no!

Not right away, you should tell
them that you suffer from some
kind of post-traumatic stress.

That way, they won't
suspect anything.

I'm serious, Neil.

I thought you wouldn't
want to have anything
to do with me after this.

We need to find a way to get
my car back, good thing you told
me to park it up the street.

I guess I can have Lucien
go get it, right?

What is it? My cut?
Is that my cut, baby?

How does this work?

I guess you're the brains,
I'm the monkey wrench, yeah?

Yeah?

You know what I hate about
all those old detective movies
you always watch?

No, what?

It's always so obvious
the dame was up to no good.

It always turns out
the girl's playing the guy
for a sap every time...

and everybody knows it
except for the poor sap.

No, there are some good movies
where the dame turns out
to be alright.

Uh, Key Lago for instance.

You're the nicest guy
I've ever met.

And I'm a terrible person.

♪ Out on the wall sounds of
banging is constant coming
from your head ♪

♪ And desperate the calls came
and ringing from those wanna
wring your neck ♪

♪ your neck ♪

[Neil sobbing]

♪ Open your mouth sounds
of breathing found it spilling
from your face ♪

[sobbing]

♪ Best to be dim to be humble of
traffic stepping on your name ♪

♪ Count on... ♪

♪ us all falling our
own swords tonight ♪

[sobbing]

♪ chilling walk home down
the portions roads there leading
straight to your place ♪

♪ And look like the tin can with
swallows the kitchen
plugging up your space ♪

♪ Count on us
all stepping on ♪

♪ our own toes tonight ♪

Are you never gonna stop
falling for this shit?

What?

What?

What?

What're you doing to me, Violet?
Why are you doing this?

Why are you like this?

Because I really like you.

-Give me a break.
-No, I'm crazy about you.

I believe
the first half of that.

I'm just trying
to protect myself.

-It doesn't make any sense.
-It doesn't?

Let me guess, you've never
been in a relationship longer
than a year, right?

-Fifteen months.
-Fifteen months before you
start to get restless...

just one year before you started
to look at your girlfriend like
she's an old comfortable shoe.

Because she is not...or...
[illegible]

it's just a matter of time
before zip out the door,
nice knowing you, right?

Does it make me crazy, because
I never want you to look at me
like an old comfortable shoe.

You're the sweetest,
most interesting,
most creative guy I've ever met.

But you're fundamentally
screwed up, I mean...

you've spent half of
your life hanging out
with fictional characters...

and what woman can
live up to that?

Oh.

And I should
point out, Neil, that...

it takes two to tango, I mean,
if you are not the most gullible
son of a bitch I've ever met...

I wouldn't feel obliged
to do these things to you.

Give me a break, you're like
the baby that never
gets tired of peek-a-boo.

Every time it's like you've
never seen this trick before.

Maybe you're right,
maybe I'm some kind of
sick, twisted baby but...

come on, how can
this possibly work?

How can people live like this?

And how do I know
you're not gonna
vanish in a couple of days?

That's easy, just don't
let me out your sight.

I mean how do I know, I'm not
gonna end up in a bathtub of ice
water with my liver taking out.

It's either spending your life
wondering whether I'm going
to steal your liver...

or try to find a woman
you'll never take for granted,
you choose.

Can a person live
without his liver?

What do I look like,
the surgeon general?

Okay.

Put some clothes on,
you gotta take a ride
in the new car.

Come on!

Wait, um...

Neil, come on!

Hurry, hurry, hurry!
Come on!

-Wow!
-Ta-da!

Ha-ha, you... you spent all that
money on a car?

You think I want to walk
around the rest of my life
looking like a schmuck?

Well, I like it.

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

And I didn't spend all the money
not even close, that was a lot
of money we stole.

Hey, I stole.

Yeah, well, there is enough
money left for a week in Vegas.

Oh, I don't even want to think
about the kind of trouble
you'll get me into in Vegas.

Puerto Vallerta?

No, no, no, Mexican prisons,
I've heard stories.

Mount Rushmore.

Defacing a national monument
five to ten years.

Graceland.

Graceland, huh?

Hey, um, you're
gonna let me drive?

How come?

I just have this image of you
pulling a Thelma & Louise
and phew...

[chuckles]