Original subtitles

[thunder rumbles]

[background chatter]

[man beatboxing]

[thunder rumbling]

- Jim. Thank God you're home.

The kids are still awake. They're going wild!

- What? - Yeah.

I'm like 30 seconds away

from ordering a tranquilizer gun on Amazon.

- Why are they still awake? - They're freaked out

about the storm. [kids screaming]

I need you to go in there and tell them go to bed--I'm done.

I'm gonna go and take a long, hot bath.

You're on. - All right, I'll deal with it.

[kids chattering]

[overlapping chatter]

What the hell's going on in here?

I want it quiet!

[rain pattering]

[groans]

[loud thunderclap] [kids screaming]

[wailing]

[shouting, chatter]

- Daddy!

- Can you cuddle us? - We're scared.

- Well, maybe for a little bit.

- Could you tell us a story?

- All right. I'll tell you one story.

- Can it be a good story like Mom tells?

Not one of your boring ones?

- Okay. Well, what kind of story do you guys wanna hear?

- Uh, Avengers? [overlapping shouting]

- Uh, Spider-Man? - Spider-Man!

- Did your daddy cuddle you

when he wasn't at the comedy club?

- Well, it was different. My dad wasn't a comedian.

He was a banker. - What's a banker?

- A banker is...

someone who lends money.

I think.

Anyway, my dad would come home every night

right before dinner.

- I have a feeling this is gonna be a boring story.

- Anyway...

[bright music]

- Kids, your dad's home!

Turn off the TV.

Get out here. Greet your father.

Jimmy, your father is home.

Get out here!

- [crunching]

Jimmy, stop eating. You won't be hungry for dinner.

- [clears throat] - [mouthing words]

[door thuds shut]

Good evening, Mike. Welcome home.

- Thanks, honey.

kids: Hi, Dad. - [clears throat]

That yard looks like it went through Vietnam.

You're gonna get out there and clean it up.

But first...let's eat.

Pineapple upside-down cake?

- Yes.

- Get out of the Goddamn way.

[ice cubes clinking]

- Kids, it's time for dinner.

["Tie A Yellow Ribbon" plays]

- I'm comin' home, I've done my time

Now I've got to know what is and isn't mine

If you received my letter telling you I'd soon be free

Then you'll know just what to do

If you still want me

If you still want me

Whoa, tie a yellow ribbon

Round the ole oak tree

It's been three long years

Do you still want me? - Still want me

- If I don't see a ribbon round the ole oak tree

I'll stay on the bus, forget about us

Put the blame on me

If I don't see a yellow ribbon

Round the ole oak tree

- [clears throat] Well, what are you waiting for?

That yard's not gonna clean itself.

[cutlery clatters]

- Ahh.

- Daddy, what's a yard?

- A...yard? Well, it--it's a grassy area

like a park.

- Your dad made you take care of the park yard?

- Well, I mean...yeah, but my brothers and sisters and I,

we were always out in the yard.

- Cool! - Fun!

- We loved being outside in the fresh air.

[overlapping chatter]

- I don't wanna talk to Father Mulcahy.

I've just got a sinus infection.

I came in here for like a Z-Pak or something.

It's gotta be a Z-Pak, 'cause I'm allergic

to amoxicillin. No Amoxicillin.

I get a terrible rash.

- Turn it!

[dramatic, rapid notes]

[applause]

- I'm so happy to be here.

- He's so groovy. [playing rapid piano notes]

When I get older, I'm going to marry him.

[TV applause] - Turn it!

[clunk]

- No installment payments for 60 days.

- 588-2300

- Empire

- Why don't you call right now?

- What are you all doing in the house?

It's a beautiful afternoon, and your father's napping.

Turn off the TV.

- But we're bored! - Just get out there.

Don't you have yard work?

- [all moaning] Mom!

- Do any of you have any idea

what your father would do if you wake him up?

[man continues on TV]

- I hate Dad! - There you go.

[kids moan]

Come on. March, march.

[man continues talking] [laughter]

- Tonight, on "Creature Features,"

a bloodthirsty psychopath roams the countryside

in search of his next victim.

- Here is a special weather report from NewsCenter 5.

- Good evening. The National Weather Service

has just issued a tornado warning

for a portion of our viewing area.

- When you played in the yard,

did you and your brothers and sisters ever fight?

- Well, occasionally, there would be a disagreement.

- You're a bundle of sticks.

- No, you're a bundle of sticks!

- You called each other a bundle of sticks?

- No! Uh...I mean, yeah. Something like that.

The important thing is that we all generally got along.

- Why don't you come over here and say that?

[brick rustles bushes] I'm gonna kill you!

- What the hell's going on out here?

God damn it!

Are you done with your yard work?

Don't you know there's a Goddamn storm coming?

Clean up this crap!

Jesus!

Where are these balless wonders?

It's a Goddamn tornado!

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!

- Why was your dad wearing a coat and tie?

Was he going to a funeral?

- My dad always seemed to be wearing a coat and tie.

- There ya go. [chuckles]

[bright music]

- I used to imagine he slept in a coat and tie.

- [snoring] - Let me finish.

Boo Berry! My ghostly good

blueberry-flavored cereal, Boo Berry...[giggles]

is part of this... - [crunch]

- Complete breakfast.

- What the hell's going on in here?

- Your dad sounded mean.

- Well, I think at the time I thought he was mean.

But now I realize he was just trying to

teach me and my brothers and sisters about discipline.

- Is that why you're mean?

- He's not mean, and his dad wasn't mean either.

- I told you to turn off the Goddamn television!

Get outta my den! Jesus!

- Confirmed by the National Weather Service...

- Goddamn kids! Go! - I would suggest

the persons in that area follow the safety precautions

and seek some shelter.

What we have to do at this point

is watch for any other developments,

listen to the radio, and watch television for any--

[loud thunderclap]

- Ha ha. - Are you a-scared of storms

too, Daddy?

- Ah, normally, I was a brave kid

and not really scared of anything.

[light music]

Aah!

[shrieking]

- Jimmy, I have a surprise for you.

- [chuckling]

- Aah!

[kids laughing]

Aah!

Yes, I was brave.

But this storm was a particularly scary one

and took a turn no one expected.

- I knew this was gonna be a boring story.

[man beatboxing]

- Man, I wish I had Rick Monday.

- I thought you had that one. - You know what?

You can have my Dave Kingman card.

- Oh, thanks, man. - No problem.

- What happened to my Jose Cardenal card?

There's Cheez Whiz on it.

Jimmy!

What the hell is this?

- I didn't do anything. - Ha!

Cheez Whiz--so that's why Jimmy's always

cutting the cheese. - Pfft! Ha ha.

- Aren't you guys worried about the big storm?

- Look outside.

There's a tornado every other day, you baby.

- Yeah. I'm worried about the storms in Jimmy's butt.

[boys laugh]

- Idiot. - What are you doing?

- I don't want any of this stuff

to get blown away by the twister.

Don't touch my stuff! You bundle of sticks.

- Yeah, get the hell outta here. - Come on, get outta here, baby!

- How many bottles of Cheez Whiz do you think he's on?

[boys laugh]

- Yeah. He's so foxy.

[continues on phone in background]

- Pam, are you worried about the big storm?

- Eh...

- Can I have a candy bar?

- 25 cents.

- I don't have any money.

- He looks like Michael Landon.

- Still got that six-pack of Dr Pepper

I got you for your birthday?

- No. I drank them all that day.

- How much is left in that Cheez Whiz?

- A lot.

- Deal.

- I wish I could. Mmm...

Isn't it time for little Jimmy to go to bed?

- Yeah, sorry. What were you saying?

- Where the hell is the Cheez Whiz?

[Marre hums]

- [quietly] Gimme that!

You better not eat my cereal again,

or I'll beat your butt, fart-face.

[continues humming]

- Eat the coleslaw!

- Mom, are we gonna get washed away by the storm?

- Oh, honey,

I'm just fixing sandwiches in case the power goes out.

[whispers] Don't you worry.

[continues humming]

- Where the hell's my Goddamn flashlight?

3 bucks! Those bastards at Woolworth's

charge 3 bucks for a Goddamn flashlight.

- Dad, is the tornado really that big?

- I don't know!

- Is this the part where your daddy

cuddles you during the storm?

- Well...

- Goddamn flashlight.

[crashing, clattering]

- God damn it, Jimmy!

Jesus Christ!

My car, Jimmy!

What the hell?!

- I wouldn't say cuddled.

Anyway, my dad was a good dad.

He may not have been perfect,

but at least he tried his best.

- Ladies first! - And he made sure

we were all safe.

[thunder rumbles]

After all, there were six of us.

- Let's go. All right, everybody in!

[wind howling]

[thunderclaps] It's getting bad out there,

but at least we'll be safe in here.

["Creature Features" on TV] - No...no...

nooooooo!

[thunderclap]

- Three funnel clouds were sighted just a bit ago

at 8:22 this evening

in the vicinity--

- Dad?

Dad?

Mom?

Nick? Mike?

Joe?

[thunder rumbles]

Pam? Kathy?

[wind howling]

[rain pattering]

I'm all alone!

I'm all alone!

["That's the Way I Like It" plays]

- Do do do do do do do do do

Do do do do do do

[thud, thud]

Do do do do do do do do do

Oh, that's the way

Uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it

Uh-huh, uh-huh

That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh

I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh

That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh

I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh

That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh

I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh

When you take me

By the hand

Tell me I'm your lovin' man

When you give me

All your love

And do it, babe, the very best you can

Oh, that's--

- This would be a hell of a lot easier

if I had my Goddamn flashlight.

- Who's ready for sandwiches?

[tinny music playing]

- Where's Jimmy?

- Do do do do do do do do do

Uh-huh, do do do do do do do do do

Uh-huh, do do do do do do do do do

Uh-huh, do do do do do do do do do

Oh...

[shouting distantly] - Jimmy! Jimmy!

[clattering] God damn it!

Jimmy! - Oh, my God, he's not here?

He's not here! - Don't panic, Marre.

- I can't believe we left Jimmy in the house!

- Jesus Christ! The boy's fine.

- Oh, that's the way

Uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh

[ominous chords] That's the way

Uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it

Uh-huh, uh-huh

That's the way...

[doorknob clatters]

[music distorts, fades] I like it...uh-huh...uh-huh

[pounding on window]

- Aah!

[suspenseful music]

[thunderclap]

Aah!

[glass shatters]

Aah!

[footsteps approach]

[wood creaks]

[tense music]

Aah!

Dad?

- [sighs]

Jimmy. - Dad!

- [chuckles]

[wind howling]

There's my Goddamn flashlight!

[loud thunderclap]

- And that's when I realized

it was my dad looking for me

and not a bloodthirsty psychopathic murderer.

[rain pattering]

Ah...

- That's pretty impressive.

- I didn't get to finish my story.

- I'm listening.

- Well...

- [laughs] You're right.

The Cheez Whiz does taste good.

I was...I was worried about you, Jimmy.

- I was worried about you, too, Dad.

Mostly because I thought you were

a bloodthirsty psychopathic murderer coming to kill me.

- [sighs]

Before, in the garage, I...

I shouldn't have yelled at you like that.

I'm sorry.

- It's okay. I'm used to it.

Everybody yells at me. Everyone except Mom.

- Your mother. She's worried sick.

We should head back to the cellar,

let everyone know the storm's passed.

- Can we just stay up here together

for a few more minutes?

- Well...it is nice and quiet, huh?

Well...

Jimmy, I'm sorry we forgot you in the house.

- You forgot me?

- Well, I--[sighs]

We could never forget you.

I've got big plans for you, Jimmy.

You know...you and me are very similar.

Come here.

- What did I do?

- Are you that scared of me?

- You're pretty scary.

- [laughs]

You think I'm scary...

you should have seen my father.

[chickens clucking]

- What in the Goddamn hell are you doing, Michael?

[cans clattering]

[chickens clucking]

[exhales] You think I'm scary?

You shoulda seen my daddy.

- Here we go--oh!

[kids screaming]

- [Irish accent] Shilla McGharney!

What in the name of Jesus,

Mary, and Joseph

is goin' on in this godforsaken hellhole?

Huh? You tink I'm scary, boy?

Well, you're lucky you never laid eyes on me pappy!

- [distant howling]

- Yah! Hah...

- Aah!

[kids screaming]

- Waaaaa...aaaaah!

- Aaaaaaaahhh!

[man scatting]

[man singing indistinctly]

[mellow jazzy music]