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1
00:00:06,767 --> 00:00:07,997
[hip-hop music blaring]
2
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:09,130
- Fire up that loud
3
00:00:09,133 --> 00:00:11,073
Another round of shots
4
00:00:11,067 --> 00:00:12,567
Turn down for what
5
00:00:12,567 --> 00:00:15,797
6
00:00:15,800 --> 00:00:17,170
Turn down for what
7
00:00:17,167 --> 00:00:20,397
8
00:00:20,400 --> 00:00:21,930
Turn down for what
9
00:00:21,933 --> 00:00:24,373
10
00:00:24,367 --> 00:00:26,797
- I can't feel my legs!
11
00:00:26,800 --> 00:00:28,770
- [laughing]
12
00:00:28,767 --> 00:00:30,127
13
00:00:30,133 --> 00:00:31,273
- Turn down for what
14
00:00:31,267 --> 00:00:33,597
- Get in here, Gaffigan,
you [bleep].
15
00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:35,170
16
00:00:35,167 --> 00:00:37,367
- [slurring]
In exactly one half hour,
17
00:00:37,367 --> 00:00:40,297
the women's
U.S. Beach Volleyball Team
18
00:00:40,300 --> 00:00:42,030
is gonna be here.
19
00:00:42,033 --> 00:00:45,773
[all cheering]
20
00:00:45,767 --> 00:00:48,197
- [laughing]
21
00:00:49,233 --> 00:00:51,273
That's never gonna happen.
22
00:00:51,267 --> 00:00:52,427
- Why not?
It could happen.
23
00:00:52,433 --> 00:00:54,033
It could happen
if you had any balls.
24
00:00:54,033 --> 00:00:55,973
Isn't that what boring
married guys do
25
00:00:55,967 --> 00:00:57,427
when their wife and kids
go out town?
26
00:00:57,433 --> 00:00:59,103
- Not if they want
to remain married.
27
00:00:59,100 --> 00:01:00,900
- Ah!
- Besides, we've gone over this.
28
00:01:00,900 --> 00:01:03,100
I have a very tight schedule
this weekend.
29
00:01:03,100 --> 00:01:04,470
- Oh.
30
00:01:04,467 --> 00:01:05,697
- After my show tonight,
I'm gonna go home,
31
00:01:05,700 --> 00:01:07,670
get delivery,
and do nothing.
32
00:01:07,667 --> 00:01:09,697
Tomorrow morning,
I'm gonna sleep in.
33
00:01:09,700 --> 00:01:12,800
Maybe I'll get up, take a nap,
do nothing.
34
00:01:12,800 --> 00:01:14,730
Then I'll do
the "New Yorker" thing.
35
00:01:14,733 --> 00:01:16,073
Then I go home,
36
00:01:16,067 --> 00:01:18,527
finishing off the weekend
doing nothing.
37
00:01:18,533 --> 00:01:20,533
I'm gonna enjoy
the weekend of silence.
38
00:01:20,533 --> 00:01:22,133
- That "New Yorker" thing,
that's Saturday night.
39
00:01:22,133 --> 00:01:23,333
We're still gonna go watch
40
00:01:23,333 --> 00:01:24,833
the Yankees first,
though, right?
41
00:01:24,833 --> 00:01:26,833
- Why do you want to watch
the Yankees at Hooters?
42
00:01:26,833 --> 00:01:29,203
- Because it's Hooters.
Come on, it'll be fun.
43
00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:31,070
Who doesn't love Hooters?
- Me.
44
00:01:31,067 --> 00:01:33,197
I don't want to leave
my apartment this weekend.
45
00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:35,100
- [sighs]
Depressing.
46
00:01:35,100 --> 00:01:37,130
- Who, me or you?
47
00:01:37,133 --> 00:01:40,733
[man beatboxing]
48
00:01:42,667 --> 00:01:44,567
[sighs]
49
00:01:44,567 --> 00:01:47,767
[man humming and beatboxing]
50
00:01:47,767 --> 00:01:50,097
51
00:01:50,100 --> 00:01:51,730
[knock at door]
52
00:01:55,700 --> 00:01:56,730
- Big order, huh?
53
00:01:56,733 --> 00:01:58,103
- Yeah.
- Here's your Thai food.
54
00:01:58,100 --> 00:01:59,270
- Thanks.
55
00:01:59,267 --> 00:02:00,767
- You having a party
or something?
56
00:02:00,767 --> 00:02:03,167
- Uh...yeah.
57
00:02:03,167 --> 00:02:05,567
Hey, kids,
Thai food's here!
58
00:02:06,833 --> 00:02:09,073
They're on iPads.
59
00:02:09,067 --> 00:02:10,097
- Here's your pizza, Jim.
60
00:02:10,100 --> 00:02:12,330
- Ah, uh, thanks, Hector.
61
00:02:13,900 --> 00:02:16,230
Kids, pizza's here!
62
00:02:16,233 --> 00:02:18,203
Slumber party.
63
00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:19,830
[intercom buzzes]
64
00:02:21,367 --> 00:02:22,497
Hello?
- Delivery.
65
00:02:22,500 --> 00:02:25,600
- Uh, wrong--wrong apartment.
66
00:02:25,600 --> 00:02:28,670
- Delivery. Gaffigan?
67
00:02:28,667 --> 00:02:30,327
- Come on up.
68
00:02:30,333 --> 00:02:31,433
[intercom buzzes]
69
00:02:31,433 --> 00:02:33,173
My neighbor, he--
70
00:02:33,167 --> 00:02:34,827
uh, he's got no legs.
71
00:02:34,833 --> 00:02:38,503
[man scatting]
72
00:02:38,500 --> 00:02:41,630
[intercom buzzing]
73
00:02:44,233 --> 00:02:45,233
[sighs]
74
00:02:45,233 --> 00:02:48,373
[intercom buzzing]
75
00:02:49,700 --> 00:02:52,300
Dave, I told you
not to come over.
76
00:02:52,300 --> 00:02:55,070
- It's Daniel.
I forgot my key.
77
00:02:55,067 --> 00:02:56,427
- Daniel?
78
00:02:56,433 --> 00:02:58,503
Uh, Jeannie's not gonna be back
till Sunday.
79
00:02:58,500 --> 00:02:59,870
- She's not here?
80
00:02:59,867 --> 00:03:01,827
- Yeah, I'll let her know
you came by.
81
00:03:01,833 --> 00:03:03,973
- No, no, no, Jim,
it's an emergency!
82
00:03:03,967 --> 00:03:05,367
- [sighs]
83
00:03:05,367 --> 00:03:06,727
[intercom buzzes]
84
00:03:07,800 --> 00:03:10,800
[man beatboxing]
85
00:03:10,800 --> 00:03:13,570
86
00:03:13,567 --> 00:03:15,297
[rapid knock at door]
87
00:03:16,400 --> 00:03:18,830
[steady knock at door]
88
00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:21,970
[jazzy music]
89
00:03:21,967 --> 00:03:24,667
- [sighs]
It's over with Trevor.
90
00:03:24,667 --> 00:03:26,567
- How did you get up
five flights of stairs?
91
00:03:26,567 --> 00:03:29,067
- Did you hear me?
Trevor! It's over!
92
00:03:29,067 --> 00:03:31,867
- Oh.
93
00:03:31,867 --> 00:03:33,697
Sorry to hear that.
94
00:03:33,700 --> 00:03:35,270
- He's cheating on me.
95
00:03:35,267 --> 00:03:37,727
And you're never gonna guess
with who.
96
00:03:37,733 --> 00:03:39,773
Andy Cohen!
97
00:03:39,767 --> 00:03:41,627
Can you believe it?
I don't know what to do.
98
00:03:41,633 --> 00:03:44,603
- I'm sorry to hear that.
I'm sorry Jeannie's not here.
99
00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:46,730
I'll let you get back
to wherever it is you're going.
100
00:03:46,733 --> 00:03:48,073
- Maybe I should just stay here.
101
00:03:48,067 --> 00:03:50,227
- But--but you--
you have your own apartment
102
00:03:50,233 --> 00:03:51,933
that you own
and you live in.
103
00:03:51,933 --> 00:03:53,133
- Trevor's there.
104
00:03:53,133 --> 00:03:54,403
- Shouldn't he leave?
105
00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:55,630
- I can't go back.
106
00:03:55,633 --> 00:03:58,073
He doesn't even know
that I know yet.
107
00:03:58,067 --> 00:04:00,727
- Well...
what about your mom?
108
00:04:00,733 --> 00:04:02,773
Doesn't--doesn't she live
on the Upper East Side?
109
00:04:02,767 --> 00:04:04,597
- I am not gonna stay
with that woman.
110
00:04:04,600 --> 00:04:05,830
You know how she is.
111
00:04:05,833 --> 00:04:07,503
- Daniel, I've never met
your mother.
112
00:04:07,500 --> 00:04:10,470
- Jim, we all had dinner
together a month ago!
113
00:04:10,467 --> 00:04:12,567
- That--that was your mom?
114
00:04:12,567 --> 00:04:14,067
Yeah, but I don't know her.
115
00:04:14,067 --> 00:04:15,867
I don't know your mother,
I don't know Trevor,
116
00:04:15,867 --> 00:04:18,927
and I'm not even 100% sure
who Andy Cohen is.
117
00:04:18,933 --> 00:04:21,773
- Okay, so my life
is just meaningless to you?
118
00:04:21,767 --> 00:04:24,267
- Look, isn't there a friend
you can stay with?
119
00:04:24,267 --> 00:04:26,197
- No, Jim, I can't let anybody
120
00:04:26,200 --> 00:04:29,330
who I care about what they think
see me like this.
121
00:04:29,333 --> 00:04:31,133
I was gonna get a hotel room.
122
00:04:31,133 --> 00:04:32,133
- That's a great idea.
123
00:04:32,133 --> 00:04:33,273
Get a hotel room.
124
00:04:33,267 --> 00:04:34,967
- Well, you know
what I realized?
125
00:04:34,967 --> 00:04:36,697
I shouldn't be alone
right now.
126
00:04:36,700 --> 00:04:41,270
Jim, I just need a place
where I can safely fall apart.
127
00:04:41,267 --> 00:04:42,797
- Why here?
128
00:04:42,800 --> 00:04:46,300
- 'Cause, Jim,
you've already given up on life,
129
00:04:46,300 --> 00:04:47,700
so nothing you say
is gonna make me
130
00:04:47,700 --> 00:04:49,100
feel any worse
about myself.
131
00:04:49,100 --> 00:04:50,530
One night, one night.
132
00:04:50,533 --> 00:04:51,873
You'll never even know
that I'm here.
133
00:04:51,867 --> 00:04:53,297
And I know you're gonna want me
134
00:04:53,300 --> 00:04:55,130
to take the big bed
in the master,
135
00:04:55,133 --> 00:04:57,503
but, Jim, I insist;
I'm gonna sleep on the couch,
136
00:04:57,500 --> 00:04:58,800
and you're not even gonna--
137
00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:00,430
[door slams]
138
00:05:00,433 --> 00:05:02,803
[indistinct speech on TV]
- He just showed up here.
139
00:05:02,800 --> 00:05:05,770
- Oh, that's why I have so many
voice mails from Daniel.
140
00:05:05,767 --> 00:05:07,667
- Wait, why are the kids
still awake?
141
00:05:07,667 --> 00:05:09,067
- Jim, we just got here.
142
00:05:09,067 --> 00:05:10,627
The flight
was two hours delayed.
143
00:05:10,633 --> 00:05:11,973
Joseph wet his pants
on the flight.
144
00:05:11,967 --> 00:05:14,167
I had to wrap him up
in an airplane blanket.
145
00:05:14,167 --> 00:05:15,167
- You think that's bad?
146
00:05:15,167 --> 00:05:16,427
Because Daniel is here,
147
00:05:16,433 --> 00:05:17,733
I can't watch TV
in the living room.
148
00:05:17,733 --> 00:05:19,833
- There's a TV
in the bedroom, Jim.
149
00:05:19,833 --> 00:05:22,303
- But all the good snacks
are out there.
150
00:05:22,300 --> 00:05:24,530
- Anyway, Daniel
must be heartbroken.
151
00:05:24,533 --> 00:05:26,503
He was crazy about Trevor.
152
00:05:26,500 --> 00:05:28,700
I'm so glad you offered
to let him stay.
153
00:05:28,700 --> 00:05:30,700
That was the right thing
to do.
154
00:05:30,700 --> 00:05:31,700
Careful.
155
00:05:31,700 --> 00:05:32,730
Hey.
156
00:05:32,733 --> 00:05:34,373
- Ow! Mommy!
- I got to go.
157
00:05:34,367 --> 00:05:35,397
I love you.
158
00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:37,770
- All right, I love you too.
159
00:05:37,767 --> 00:05:39,067
[sighs]
160
00:05:39,067 --> 00:05:41,827
- Now, use tongs
or a spider spatula.
161
00:05:41,833 --> 00:05:43,873
- Sure, I've lost weight,
162
00:05:43,867 --> 00:05:45,427
'cause Trevor's such a pig,
so I'm eating less.
163
00:05:45,433 --> 00:05:46,803
I'm not eating anything
right now.
164
00:05:46,800 --> 00:05:48,170
I haven't eaten
since we broke up.
165
00:05:48,167 --> 00:05:49,297
I've never been happier.
166
00:05:49,300 --> 00:05:50,630
Yeah, no, Trevor's the one
167
00:05:50,633 --> 00:05:52,133
who wanted to go
to the Hamptons.
168
00:05:52,133 --> 00:05:53,903
I didn't even want
to go to the Hamptons.
169
00:05:53,900 --> 00:05:56,300
I hate the Hamptons.
The Hamptons are so over.
170
00:05:56,300 --> 00:05:57,630
Oh, my God, no,
171
00:05:57,633 --> 00:05:59,073
you are not
the first person to tell me
172
00:05:59,067 --> 00:06:01,627
I have the lower torso shape
of Ryan Phillippe.
173
00:06:01,633 --> 00:06:02,673
That's--
174
00:06:02,667 --> 00:06:04,497
- What--what are you doing?
175
00:06:04,500 --> 00:06:05,500
- Hmm?
176
00:06:05,500 --> 00:06:06,770
Oh, um...
177
00:06:06,767 --> 00:06:08,327
I was just having
a little wine,
178
00:06:08,333 --> 00:06:11,603
and I was rehearsing
what I'm gonna say to my friends
179
00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:13,900
to explain why
Trevor and I broke up.
180
00:06:14,967 --> 00:06:17,167
- Okay.
181
00:06:17,167 --> 00:06:19,567
- More like
"Watch What Happens Lame."
182
00:06:19,567 --> 00:06:20,727
[laughs]
183
00:06:20,733 --> 00:06:22,533
Yes, I did just think of that.
184
00:06:22,533 --> 00:06:24,703
[laughs]
185
00:06:24,700 --> 00:06:26,300
Andy Cohen? I'm sor--
186
00:06:26,300 --> 00:06:28,530
- Uh, look,
187
00:06:28,533 --> 00:06:30,833
do you need to talk?
188
00:06:30,833 --> 00:06:32,933
- Oh, Jim, you are so cute
189
00:06:32,933 --> 00:06:34,703
for thinking
you can help me.
190
00:06:34,700 --> 00:06:38,200
No, don't worry about me.
I am fine.
191
00:06:38,200 --> 00:06:39,500
Um, and I will be out
192
00:06:39,500 --> 00:06:42,130
of your barely remaining hair
by the morning.
193
00:06:45,667 --> 00:06:47,627
A little privacy, please?
194
00:06:47,633 --> 00:06:50,833
Thank you.
Thank you!
195
00:06:52,400 --> 00:06:53,870
Can I tell you something?
196
00:06:53,867 --> 00:06:56,467
I was too happy,
so honestly,
197
00:06:56,467 --> 00:06:58,327
being single now,
it's a relief.
198
00:06:58,333 --> 00:07:00,203
I'm back on the market, baby.
199
00:07:00,200 --> 00:07:04,270
Daniel is back.
[laughs]
200
00:07:04,267 --> 00:07:07,227
[man beatboxing]
201
00:07:07,233 --> 00:07:10,173
[Daniel sobbing]
202
00:07:16,067 --> 00:07:17,267
[man beatboxing]
203
00:07:17,267 --> 00:07:19,127
[knock at door]
204
00:07:21,467 --> 00:07:22,867
- Jim.
205
00:07:25,533 --> 00:07:27,373
Jim.
206
00:07:27,367 --> 00:07:28,427
- What?
207
00:07:28,433 --> 00:07:29,673
- I'm gonna make some breakfast.
208
00:07:29,667 --> 00:07:31,067
Do you want something?
209
00:07:31,067 --> 00:07:32,727
- Uh, no, no,
I just want to sleep.
210
00:07:32,733 --> 00:07:34,673
Thanks.
- Okay. Okay.
211
00:07:40,633 --> 00:07:43,173
[knock at door]
212
00:07:45,967 --> 00:07:47,167
Jim.
213
00:07:49,067 --> 00:07:51,067
Jim.
214
00:07:51,067 --> 00:07:52,497
- Yeah?
215
00:07:52,500 --> 00:07:54,070
- Do you want an omelet?
216
00:07:54,067 --> 00:07:56,397
- Uh, no.
No--no, thank you.
217
00:07:56,400 --> 00:07:58,170
- Okay.
218
00:07:58,167 --> 00:07:59,627
I made a pot of coffee.
219
00:07:59,633 --> 00:08:02,373
I'm just gonna put your cup
over here.
220
00:08:02,367 --> 00:08:04,067
- All right.
- Okay.
221
00:08:04,067 --> 00:08:06,967
[shushing]
222
00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:11,130
[knock at door]
223
00:08:13,067 --> 00:08:14,197
Jim?
224
00:08:16,267 --> 00:08:18,127
Jim. Jim.
225
00:08:18,133 --> 00:08:19,773
- Yeah.
- Your omelet's ready.
226
00:08:19,767 --> 00:08:21,597
- But I didn't want an omelet.
227
00:08:21,600 --> 00:08:23,130
- Don't want it to get cold!
228
00:08:23,133 --> 00:08:24,573
- I said I--
229
00:08:25,433 --> 00:08:26,833
[sighs]
230
00:08:27,767 --> 00:08:30,967
[jazzy music]
231
00:08:30,967 --> 00:08:36,067
232
00:08:36,067 --> 00:08:37,697
Where's all
my delivery food?
233
00:08:37,700 --> 00:08:40,070
- Oh, I threw that away.
It was disgusting.
234
00:08:40,067 --> 00:08:42,497
- It's better the next day!
235
00:08:42,500 --> 00:08:44,870
- Here you go.
236
00:08:44,867 --> 00:08:48,097
I know you don't read,
but I got you the newspaper.
237
00:08:48,100 --> 00:08:50,070
- Uh...
238
00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:55,367
- [whispering]
There's tarragon in there.
239
00:08:55,367 --> 00:08:56,727
See if you can taste it.
240
00:08:56,733 --> 00:08:58,573
- [sighs]
241
00:09:00,133 --> 00:09:02,273
Uh, can--can you please not
stand over me?
242
00:09:02,267 --> 00:09:04,627
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
243
00:09:04,633 --> 00:09:06,733
I'm just...
[groans]
244
00:09:06,733 --> 00:09:08,973
Trying to get out
of this funk.
245
00:09:08,967 --> 00:09:12,067
Maybe I should go
to the 9/11 Memorial.
246
00:09:12,067 --> 00:09:14,067
- Is that a good idea for you?
247
00:09:14,067 --> 00:09:16,427
- I mean, unless you want
to do something together.
248
00:09:16,433 --> 00:09:17,573
249
00:09:17,567 --> 00:09:19,767
And that is how
I became fascinated
250
00:09:19,767 --> 00:09:22,197
with post-Edwardian cutlery.
251
00:09:22,200 --> 00:09:25,230
- Aren't we gonna be late
for the chamber music concert?
252
00:09:25,233 --> 00:09:26,333
- Tut-tut, Jim.
253
00:09:26,333 --> 00:09:27,903
We still have time
to grab a kale salad
254
00:09:27,900 --> 00:09:31,300
and talk about that monster
Andy Cohen.
255
00:09:31,300 --> 00:09:33,970
- Maybe you should go
to the 9/11 Memorial.
256
00:09:33,967 --> 00:09:36,827
- Yeah. I mean, it's not open
for a few hours anyway.
257
00:09:36,833 --> 00:09:38,833
- What time is it?
- Little after 7:00.
258
00:09:40,733 --> 00:09:42,833
- 7:00 a.m.?
259
00:09:43,733 --> 00:09:45,273
You woke me up at 7:00 a.m.?
260
00:09:45,267 --> 00:09:48,397
The one Saturday my kids
are not jumping on top of me,
261
00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:49,700
and you wake me up?
262
00:09:49,700 --> 00:09:52,370
This is supposed to be
my weekend of silence!
263
00:09:52,367 --> 00:09:54,597
What are you even doing here?
You don't even like me!
264
00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:56,700
- Okay, okay, okay!
I'm sorry! You're right!
265
00:09:56,700 --> 00:09:58,430
I'm sorry!
I'm a mess, okay?
266
00:09:58,433 --> 00:10:00,273
It's why Trevor's
cheating on me.
267
00:10:00,267 --> 00:10:02,097
It's why I didn't get
"Million Dollar Listing."
268
00:10:02,100 --> 00:10:04,300
It's why Andy Cohen has
a personal vendetta against me
269
00:10:04,300 --> 00:10:05,830
and won't stop until I'm dead!
270
00:10:05,833 --> 00:10:06,873
- I didn't say that!
271
00:10:06,867 --> 00:10:08,327
- That's what you meant!
272
00:10:08,333 --> 00:10:09,333
- [mutters angrily]
273
00:10:09,333 --> 00:10:10,303
You're just...
274
00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:13,330
Stupid.
- You're stupid.
275
00:10:17,533 --> 00:10:19,273
Stupid idiot.
276
00:10:19,267 --> 00:10:20,997
Dumb idiot.
277
00:10:21,867 --> 00:10:23,767
You're an idiot.
278
00:10:25,333 --> 00:10:27,173
[knock at door]
279
00:10:27,167 --> 00:10:28,897
What?
280
00:10:28,900 --> 00:10:31,030
- Your wife would like
to speak with you.
281
00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:35,030
- You yelled at Daniel?
282
00:10:35,033 --> 00:10:37,333
- He--he made me an omelet!
283
00:10:37,333 --> 00:10:38,633
- What?
284
00:10:38,633 --> 00:10:40,333
- He woke me up at 7:00 a.m.!
285
00:10:40,333 --> 00:10:42,473
- Jim, I've been up
with these kids for two hours,
286
00:10:42,467 --> 00:10:43,597
getting ready for this wedding.
287
00:10:43,600 --> 00:10:45,270
Did I leave the bow ties there?
288
00:10:45,267 --> 00:10:46,727
- I don't know.
289
00:10:46,733 --> 00:10:48,833
- Anyway, Daniel's going through
a personal crisis,
290
00:10:48,833 --> 00:10:50,333
and you're yelling at him
291
00:10:50,333 --> 00:10:51,673
after he made you an omelet?
292
00:10:51,667 --> 00:10:52,797
- He used the wrong cheese!
293
00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:54,330
You know I hate Swiss!
294
00:10:54,333 --> 00:10:55,333
- It was Gruyère!
295
00:10:55,333 --> 00:10:56,803
- That's the same thing!
296
00:10:56,800 --> 00:10:58,000
- Wait a second.
297
00:10:58,000 --> 00:10:59,200
What is Daniel wearing
right now?
298
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:00,600
- I don't know.
Who cares?
299
00:11:00,600 --> 00:11:01,630
- Go check.
300
00:11:01,633 --> 00:11:02,773
- I'm not che--
Fine.
301
00:11:09,400 --> 00:11:12,330
He's wearing a robe
and sweatpants.
302
00:11:12,333 --> 00:11:13,673
- Sweatpants?
303
00:11:13,667 --> 00:11:15,797
Oh, my God,
it's worse than I thought.
304
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:17,700
Daniel doesn't even own
sweatpants.
305
00:11:17,700 --> 00:11:19,300
- Who doesn't own sweatpants?
306
00:11:19,300 --> 00:11:22,770
- Jim, I don't want you
to leave Daniel alone today.
307
00:11:22,767 --> 00:11:24,297
- What does that mean?
308
00:11:24,300 --> 00:11:25,670
- He's going through
a personal crisis,
309
00:11:25,667 --> 00:11:27,067
and he cannot
be left alone.
310
00:11:27,067 --> 00:11:28,367
I need you to--
I need you
311
00:11:28,367 --> 00:11:30,097
to take him to lunch
with you or something.
312
00:11:30,100 --> 00:11:32,470
- Well, I'm not even
having lunch today, so...
313
00:11:32,467 --> 00:11:34,697
- Jim, you and I both know
you're eating lunch today.
314
00:11:34,700 --> 00:11:36,270
- Fine.
Is there anything else?
315
00:11:36,267 --> 00:11:38,597
You want me to pick up
his laundry?
316
00:11:38,600 --> 00:11:40,430
He's such a baby.
317
00:11:40,433 --> 00:11:42,073
- Just when you thought
318
00:11:42,067 --> 00:11:44,297
you couldn't make cheesecake
any better...
319
00:11:44,300 --> 00:11:46,800
- Daniel, are--are those
my sweatpants?
320
00:11:46,800 --> 00:11:48,070
- Oh, please.
They're Jeannie's.
321
00:11:48,067 --> 00:11:50,297
You have sweat socks
larger than these.
322
00:11:50,300 --> 00:11:54,500
- Uh, I'm going
to meet Dave for lunch...
323
00:11:54,500 --> 00:11:55,830
at Hooters.
324
00:11:55,833 --> 00:11:56,933
Do you want to come?
325
00:11:56,933 --> 00:11:59,333
- Is that a serious question?
326
00:11:59,333 --> 00:12:00,503
- Yeah.
327
00:12:00,500 --> 00:12:02,800
- You're asking me
if I want to eat
328
00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:05,330
with Dave Marks...
329
00:12:05,333 --> 00:12:06,873
at Hooters.
330
00:12:06,867 --> 00:12:08,797
- Well, I tried.
331
00:12:08,800 --> 00:12:10,500
- Yeah, I'll go.
332
00:12:11,667 --> 00:12:14,067
I just need to shower
and change.
333
00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:16,667
And you got to clean that up.
334
00:12:16,667 --> 00:12:19,827
[man beatboxing]
335
00:12:19,833 --> 00:12:22,403
God, it's like if
a tanning salon served beer.
336
00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:23,900
- When I said Hooters,
337
00:12:23,900 --> 00:12:25,670
what did you think I meant,
Le Cirque?
338
00:12:25,667 --> 00:12:27,067
- Look at you, man.
339
00:12:27,067 --> 00:12:28,297
Jeannie's gone, what,
12 hours,
340
00:12:28,300 --> 00:12:30,070
and you got yourself
a boyfriend.
341
00:12:30,067 --> 00:12:32,067
- Oh, hilarious.
Why are we here?
342
00:12:32,067 --> 00:12:33,597
- What's with, uh,
Debbie Downer?
343
00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:34,900
- It's a long story.
344
00:12:34,900 --> 00:12:36,330
- Well, this is a delight.
So what do you do?
345
00:12:36,333 --> 00:12:38,073
You pick your favorite
wing flavor,
346
00:12:38,067 --> 00:12:40,067
and then you just stare at women
who would never date you, Dave?
347
00:12:40,067 --> 00:12:42,367
- God, I can't look anywhere
without feeling guilty.
348
00:12:42,367 --> 00:12:44,867
- Okay, listen, here's the thing
that you Hooters snobs
349
00:12:44,867 --> 00:12:46,567
don't seem to understand, okay?
350
00:12:46,567 --> 00:12:48,097
What Hooters is saying is,
they're saying,
351
00:12:48,100 --> 00:12:49,470
"Come in, guys, all right?
352
00:12:49,467 --> 00:12:51,167
"This is a safe space
if you're a guy
353
00:12:51,167 --> 00:12:53,197
"who actually likes
to drink beer and watch sports
354
00:12:53,200 --> 00:12:55,930
"and enjoys beautiful women
and good food, you know,
355
00:12:55,933 --> 00:12:57,333
and we're not gonna
judge you for it."
356
00:12:57,333 --> 00:12:58,803
So what the hell
you doing here, man?
357
00:12:58,800 --> 00:12:59,830
- Jim forced me to come.
358
00:12:59,833 --> 00:13:01,803
- I did not force you to come.
359
00:13:01,800 --> 00:13:03,770
I invited you--
360
00:13:03,767 --> 00:13:05,067
Thank you.
361
00:13:05,067 --> 00:13:06,567
Oh, uh, can I get
a Brooklyn Lager?
362
00:13:06,567 --> 00:13:10,067
And I'll have
the Daytona style.
363
00:13:10,067 --> 00:13:13,667
- Um, I'll take, uh,
a double order of nothing.
364
00:13:13,667 --> 00:13:14,967
Thank you.
365
00:13:14,967 --> 00:13:16,397
- Plus, it's
a well-established fact
366
00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:18,070
that attractive people
makes the food taste better.
367
00:13:18,067 --> 00:13:19,797
- Well-established with who?
368
00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:21,630
- Well, it's documented in some
science journals, I'm sure.
369
00:13:21,633 --> 00:13:23,133
- I can't believe
I'm having this conversation
370
00:13:23,133 --> 00:13:24,533
instead of napping.
371
00:13:24,533 --> 00:13:27,633
- Besides, Hooters reminds me
of my dad.
372
00:13:27,633 --> 00:13:29,973
- Well, that explains a lot.
373
00:13:29,967 --> 00:13:31,827
- Why is he here again?
374
00:13:31,833 --> 00:13:33,533
- Daniel's going through
a breakup.
375
00:13:33,533 --> 00:13:36,073
- It's not a breakup, Jim.
376
00:13:36,067 --> 00:13:37,827
I found out
my live-in boyfriend
377
00:13:37,833 --> 00:13:40,433
is cheating on me
with Andy Cohen!
378
00:13:40,433 --> 00:13:41,803
- Why are you yelling?
379
00:13:41,800 --> 00:13:43,070
- What, sir? What?
380
00:13:43,067 --> 00:13:44,297
You're offended?
381
00:13:44,300 --> 00:13:46,130
We're in the culinary capital
of America.
382
00:13:46,133 --> 00:13:47,673
You brought your family
to Hooters.
383
00:13:47,667 --> 00:13:49,127
I'm offended.
384
00:13:49,133 --> 00:13:51,073
- Wow, yeah, I really
can't begin to imagine
385
00:13:51,067 --> 00:13:52,367
why anyone would
break up with you.
386
00:13:52,367 --> 00:13:54,567
Listen, either he or we
have to leave,
387
00:13:54,567 --> 00:13:56,227
'cause he's embarrassing me
at Hooters.
388
00:13:56,233 --> 00:13:58,233
- I-I just ordered.
Let's ignore him.
389
00:13:58,233 --> 00:14:00,073
- What about--what about
"The New Yorker"?
390
00:14:00,067 --> 00:14:01,567
Is there a party
after that thing?
391
00:14:01,567 --> 00:14:03,797
- Yeah, there's something
at the Algonquin Hotel.
392
00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:05,370
- Oh, really?
- Wait a minute.
393
00:14:05,367 --> 00:14:06,827
The reason you didn't go
with Jeannie to the wedding
394
00:14:06,833 --> 00:14:08,903
is because you're part
of The New Yorker Festival?
395
00:14:08,900 --> 00:14:10,200
You?
- Yeah.
396
00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:11,730
- What's the theme,
truck stop literature?
397
00:14:11,733 --> 00:14:14,203
- I'm being interviewed
as part of the humor series.
398
00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:15,500
- Listen,
I'm going with you, man.
399
00:14:15,500 --> 00:14:17,200
You know, I love
those smart girls, you know,
400
00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:19,130
the ones that went
to the Little Ivies.
401
00:14:19,133 --> 00:14:21,173
You know, they got
the big, clunky glasses.
402
00:14:21,167 --> 00:14:23,197
You just merely mention
Elizabeth Warren to them,
403
00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:25,500
and they just melt.
404
00:14:25,500 --> 00:14:26,570
[sniffing]
405
00:14:26,567 --> 00:14:29,467
- Uh...help.
406
00:14:29,467 --> 00:14:31,497
- That's never gonna happen.
407
00:14:31,500 --> 00:14:35,630
- Jim, obviously I should be
the one to go with you.
408
00:14:35,633 --> 00:14:39,073
Behold, I transformed
this white-trash guttersnipe
409
00:14:39,067 --> 00:14:41,627
into an intelligent,
cultured gentleman.
410
00:14:41,633 --> 00:14:44,733
- [with Cockney accent]
The rain in Spain
411
00:14:44,733 --> 00:14:47,733
stays mainly
in the plain.
412
00:14:47,733 --> 00:14:50,103
[applause]
413
00:14:50,100 --> 00:14:52,130
That's never gonna happen.
414
00:14:52,133 --> 00:14:53,633
- Jim, you need me.
415
00:14:53,633 --> 00:14:56,303
You're gonna be surrounded
by literary giants.
416
00:14:56,300 --> 00:14:58,330
- Please.
417
00:14:58,333 --> 00:15:00,373
- What books have you
been reading, Jim?
418
00:15:00,367 --> 00:15:02,427
- [stammers]
- Don't you know how to read?
419
00:15:02,433 --> 00:15:05,073
- Uh...
- He doesn't belong here.
420
00:15:05,067 --> 00:15:06,527
- Let's crush him.
- Please, no!
421
00:15:06,533 --> 00:15:08,733
all: Crush him. Crush him.
- I'm sorry!
422
00:15:08,733 --> 00:15:09,933
[screaming]
423
00:15:09,933 --> 00:15:12,403
[laughter]
424
00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:15,870
I-I may not go
to the reception.
425
00:15:15,867 --> 00:15:17,067
Sweet.
426
00:15:20,667 --> 00:15:22,067
- That was
the most boring thing
427
00:15:22,067 --> 00:15:23,267
I've ever been to,
seriously.
428
00:15:23,267 --> 00:15:24,767
All they did
was talk about was you.
429
00:15:24,767 --> 00:15:27,167
- Gentlemen, have you
checked in with hospitality?
430
00:15:27,167 --> 00:15:28,567
- Uh, I'm Jim Gaffigan.
431
00:15:28,567 --> 00:15:30,867
I was interviewed
as part of the humor series.
432
00:15:30,867 --> 00:15:32,497
These are my guests.
433
00:15:32,500 --> 00:15:34,470
- Wait a minute.
Hooters Girl, right?
434
00:15:34,467 --> 00:15:35,867
Wednesday nights?
- Dave!
435
00:15:35,867 --> 00:15:37,727
- I'm working my way
through grad school.
436
00:15:37,733 --> 00:15:39,173
- Hey, no, no,
that's great.
437
00:15:39,167 --> 00:15:40,367
That's great.
438
00:15:40,367 --> 00:15:42,167
Uh, so you dig
Elizabeth Warren or what?
439
00:15:42,167 --> 00:15:43,827
- She's amazing.
- Amazing, right?
440
00:15:43,833 --> 00:15:45,203
I mean, it's like
Bernie's brain
441
00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:46,470
in Hillary's body.
442
00:15:46,467 --> 00:15:47,497
- Exactly.
443
00:15:47,500 --> 00:15:48,830
- [whispering]
Okay, so...
444
00:15:48,833 --> 00:15:50,133
Ooh, that's Calvin Trillin.
445
00:15:50,133 --> 00:15:51,333
He's a humorist like you
446
00:15:51,333 --> 00:15:52,633
but with a brain and funny.
447
00:15:52,633 --> 00:15:53,773
- Okay.
448
00:15:53,767 --> 00:15:55,527
- Hey, Jim.
I liked your interview.
449
00:15:55,533 --> 00:15:57,303
- Oh, thanks.
You're--you're a giant.
450
00:15:57,300 --> 00:15:59,200
- Uh, Mr. Gladwell,
451
00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:00,500
I'm Daniel Benjamin.
452
00:16:00,500 --> 00:16:02,070
Jim and I were actually
just talking
453
00:16:02,067 --> 00:16:03,667
about how much we enjoy
your entire body of work,
454
00:16:03,667 --> 00:16:05,397
from "The Tipping Point"
to "What the Dog Saw."
455
00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:07,500
In fact, Jim was remarking
456
00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:10,330
how the implications of research
in the social sciences
457
00:16:10,333 --> 00:16:11,633
are totally unexpected.
458
00:16:11,633 --> 00:16:13,933
- Yeah, I was saying that.
Totally unexpected.
459
00:16:13,933 --> 00:16:15,073
- Thank you.
460
00:16:15,067 --> 00:16:16,597
- Jim, help us settle a bet.
461
00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:18,430
- What's the best book
you've read
462
00:16:18,433 --> 00:16:19,803
in the past year?
463
00:16:19,800 --> 00:16:22,670
- Oh, well, that's an easy one.
[chuckles]
464
00:16:22,667 --> 00:16:23,667
Right, Daniel?
465
00:16:25,833 --> 00:16:27,273
Daniel? Uh...
466
00:16:27,267 --> 00:16:28,427
- Don't be shy.
467
00:16:28,433 --> 00:16:30,673
- A-a book.
Uh, not a tweet?
468
00:16:30,667 --> 00:16:32,697
'Cause there's--
there's some pretty amazing
469
00:16:32,700 --> 00:16:35,070
Twitterers out there;
wouldn't you agree?
470
00:16:35,067 --> 00:16:37,727
- The best book you've read
in the last year.
471
00:16:37,733 --> 00:16:38,733
- Book.
472
00:16:38,733 --> 00:16:40,103
Um, well, you know,
473
00:16:40,100 --> 00:16:42,070
I kind of feel like
there's been so many,
474
00:16:42,067 --> 00:16:43,527
I wouldn't want to choose.
475
00:16:43,533 --> 00:16:44,833
- Well, what's
on your nightstand?
476
00:16:44,833 --> 00:16:46,403
- Well, you know,
the weird thing is,
477
00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:48,400
I, uh--I have
a small nightstand,
478
00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:51,330
and, uh, I keep my books
in a separate area.
479
00:16:51,333 --> 00:16:52,903
You know, like,
there's two areas.
480
00:16:52,900 --> 00:16:55,570
There's books I've read,
which is, like--
481
00:16:55,567 --> 00:16:58,327
uh, it's, like, a large room.
482
00:16:58,333 --> 00:17:00,703
And then there's books
I'm about to read,
483
00:17:00,700 --> 00:17:02,770
which is smaller,
'cause I've read a lot of them.
484
00:17:02,767 --> 00:17:07,067
But on my nightstand,
there is, uh, one book--
485
00:17:07,067 --> 00:17:08,727
Title kind of escapes me.
486
00:17:08,733 --> 00:17:10,833
But it's, uh--
it's a great nighttime read.
487
00:17:10,833 --> 00:17:15,103
It's, uh--it's really
an allegory for, uh, gratitude.
488
00:17:15,100 --> 00:17:19,300
It asks the question,
shouldn't we be thankful
489
00:17:19,300 --> 00:17:22,930
for things like a comb
or a brush
490
00:17:22,933 --> 00:17:25,903
or a bowl full of mush?
491
00:17:25,900 --> 00:17:27,770
- "Goodnight Moon"?
492
00:17:27,767 --> 00:17:29,897
- Never heard of that.
Is that a new one?
493
00:17:31,367 --> 00:17:33,767
I'm gonna check out
the appetizers.
494
00:17:33,767 --> 00:17:35,327
- Guy's fatter
than I thought he was.
495
00:17:35,333 --> 00:17:36,333
- A lot fatter.
496
00:17:36,333 --> 00:17:37,603
- He's a real porker.
497
00:17:39,067 --> 00:17:40,127
- Daniel.
498
00:17:40,133 --> 00:17:42,473
What are you doing here?
499
00:17:42,467 --> 00:17:44,497
Why didn't you come home
last night?
500
00:17:44,500 --> 00:17:48,200
- I saw your emails
to Andy Cohen.
501
00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:49,730
- You looked at my emails?
502
00:17:49,733 --> 00:17:51,673
- Your left your phone
out in the open, Trevor.
503
00:17:51,667 --> 00:17:54,297
You and Andy planning all
your little adventures together:
504
00:17:54,300 --> 00:17:56,470
the Met Opera,
dinner at Anderson's,
505
00:17:56,467 --> 00:17:57,497
lunch at the Four Seasons--
506
00:17:57,500 --> 00:17:59,430
- I'm not cheating on you.
507
00:17:59,433 --> 00:18:02,873
I just didn't invite you
to those things.
508
00:18:02,867 --> 00:18:03,897
- Why?
509
00:18:03,900 --> 00:18:05,370
- Daniel, there are
certain places
510
00:18:05,367 --> 00:18:07,567
I feel uncomfortable
taking you.
511
00:18:07,567 --> 00:18:08,927
- Well, you were
very comfortable
512
00:18:08,933 --> 00:18:10,073
moving into my apartment.
513
00:18:10,067 --> 00:18:11,427
- Well, you told me
you were going to be
514
00:18:11,433 --> 00:18:12,903
on "Million Dollar Listings
New York."
515
00:18:12,900 --> 00:18:14,930
And of course, we all know
how that turned out.
516
00:18:14,933 --> 00:18:16,433
- What does that have to do
with anything?
517
00:18:16,433 --> 00:18:18,603
- And after that night
you embarrassed me
518
00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:19,930
at the "Hamilton"
after party...
519
00:18:19,933 --> 00:18:23,073
- Lin-Manuel Miranda
said I was charming.
520
00:18:23,067 --> 00:18:24,327
What did I do?
521
00:18:24,333 --> 00:18:25,633
- Nothing.
522
00:18:25,633 --> 00:18:29,133
You just...haven't
accomplished anything.
523
00:18:29,133 --> 00:18:30,533
- I am very successful.
524
00:18:30,533 --> 00:18:32,633
I am well-known
and respected in my field.
525
00:18:32,633 --> 00:18:35,633
- Apparently not respected
enough to be on television.
526
00:18:35,633 --> 00:18:37,973
- Wait a minute.
Are you being a snob to me?
527
00:18:37,967 --> 00:18:39,197
I'm the snob.
528
00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:40,200
I'm the snob
in this relationship!
529
00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:41,500
- Look, Daniel.
530
00:18:41,500 --> 00:18:44,100
This isn't going
to work out.
531
00:18:44,100 --> 00:18:46,870
It was fun
while it lasted.
532
00:18:46,867 --> 00:18:52,767
Besides, I have my eyes
on that closeted butch guy.
533
00:18:52,767 --> 00:18:54,897
- Please stop
talking to me.
534
00:18:54,900 --> 00:18:56,500
- Mm. Yup.
535
00:18:56,500 --> 00:18:58,830
- I overheard him saying
he just did
536
00:18:58,833 --> 00:19:02,573
a very successful TV pilot
with Will Ferrell.
537
00:19:02,567 --> 00:19:04,427
- God, you're pathetic.
538
00:19:04,433 --> 00:19:06,733
- You know what's pathetic,
Daniel?
539
00:19:06,733 --> 00:19:11,733
Coming to a "New Yorker" event
with Jim Gaffigan.
540
00:19:11,733 --> 00:19:14,733
I thought we agreed
he was an unkempt Neanderthal.
541
00:19:14,733 --> 00:19:19,173
- That unkempt Neanderthal
is my best friend!
542
00:19:19,167 --> 00:19:21,227
- Baby hamburgers.
543
00:19:21,233 --> 00:19:23,303
They're so cute!
Ooh!
544
00:19:23,300 --> 00:19:25,730
- [scoffs]
545
00:19:25,733 --> 00:19:27,403
He's my best friend's
husband.
546
00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:29,370
But he was there for me
when I fell apart
547
00:19:29,367 --> 00:19:32,497
after I read about your little
fake affair with Andy Cohen.
548
00:19:32,500 --> 00:19:35,430
- Well, enjoy life
on the C-list.
549
00:19:37,500 --> 00:19:38,730
- Let's get out of here.
550
00:19:38,733 --> 00:19:39,933
- Gladly.
551
00:19:39,933 --> 00:19:41,403
- You know him?
552
00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:43,400
- Apparently he knows me.
553
00:19:47,367 --> 00:19:48,867
- Thank you so much
for looking after Daniel.
554
00:19:48,867 --> 00:19:50,167
- You know what?
He's doing a lot better.
555
00:19:50,167 --> 00:19:53,797
But I-I asked him
to stay over again.
556
00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:56,700
Actually, I probably
should check back in on him.
557
00:19:56,700 --> 00:19:59,070
- Well, I know
it was a sacrifice.
558
00:19:59,067 --> 00:20:00,097
Good night.
559
00:20:00,100 --> 00:20:01,530
- Good night.
560
00:20:05,333 --> 00:20:06,403
[hip-hop music blaring]
561
00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:07,530
- Fire up that loud
562
00:20:07,533 --> 00:20:10,233
Another round of shots
563
00:20:10,233 --> 00:20:11,533
Turn down for what
564
00:20:11,533 --> 00:20:14,773
565
00:20:14,767 --> 00:20:16,327
Turn down for what
566
00:20:16,333 --> 00:20:19,633
567
00:20:19,633 --> 00:20:21,203
Turn down for what
568
00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:22,400
569
00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:24,500
- Will you turn that off?
570
00:20:24,500 --> 00:20:26,000
- Turn down for what
571
00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:27,600
[music stops]
572
00:20:27,600 --> 00:20:31,270
- Doesn't get any better
than this, fellas.
573
00:20:31,267 --> 00:20:33,467
Mmm.
574
00:20:33,467 --> 00:20:38,167
575
00:20:40,900 --> 00:20:44,330
[man humming and beatboxing]
576
00:20:44,333 --> 00:20:47,333
[man singing indistinctly]
577
00:20:47,333 --> 00:20:55,473
39766
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