Original subtitles

[man beatboxing]

- I am a good father! - Okay.

- I'’m taking all five of my kids

to the Museum of Natural History tomorrow,

giving up my Saturday. - All right.

- Would a bad father do that?

- No, no. Is Jeannie going?

- Yeah. - Uh-huh.

- Yes, she is my wife. We often spend time

together with our children.

- Okay, well, see, that doesn'’t count.

- Why?

- Because if you bring your wife,

she'’s gonna do everything.

You tagging along is like her bringing six kids to the museum.

- You don'’t know what you'’re talking about.

I can totally handle five kids by myself.

- Five kids by yourself.

- Yeah. - It'’s impossible.

- [chuckles]

[man beatboxing]

Jim, wake up. It'’s 9:00.

- Huh? What?

J-just get me when the kids are dressed

and ready to go to the museum.

- Nope, I can'’t.

My dentist appointment for Tuesday was cancelled

and they have to see me today.

If I don'’t go now, they can'’t reschedule me

till next month, and my tooth is killing me.

- Uh, looks like we'’re not going to the museum, huh?

- No, no, the kids have been

looking forward to this all week.

- That'’s great, honey. I love you too.

- No, Jim, you'’re still taking them.

- What?

- Yes, Daniel is giving us those tickets

to the new planetarium show.

- Jeez, you want me to take all five kids

to the museum by myself? What, are you drunk?

- No, I just need you to get them there

and I'’m gonna meet you as soon as I'’m done

with my dentist appointment.

Oh, what am I thinking? You can'’t do this.

All right, let me call Blanca.

She'’ll come over, she'’ll help you.

- No, don'’t call, Blanca.

Why would I need Blanca'’s help?

I can do this by myself.

Just do me a favor, wake me up

when the kids are dressed and ready to go to the museum.

- No, Jim, I can'’t. I'’m late!

- [scoffs] Fine.

I guess I'’ll get my own coffee too.

I'’m like a single dad.

- Okay, just hurry up,

'’cause Daniel'’s meeting you there in one hour.

- An hour? What? [bell dings]

- I love you. Have so much fun.

Bye. - Bye, Mommy.

- Thank you. all: Bye, Mommy!

- Daddy, Daddy, I want eggs.

[all asking questions]

- I want cereal. - I want a bagel.

- Daddy! - I want juice!

all: I'’m hungry!

- All right. All right, all right, here we go.

[man beatboxing]

♪

- Joseph has a poopie.

- When are we leaving for the museum?

- Can I wear my mittens? - I'’m still hungry.

- Look, I need to drink my coffee, all right?

- You'’re supposed to get us dressed.

- Fine.

[man beatboxing]

♪

[baby crying] - Dad, are you gonna change

Joseph'’s poopie?

[baby crying] - When are we leaving

for the museum? Can I bring my sword?

- No.

- I'’m hungry.

- Maggie has a poopie.

[baby crying]

[man beatboxing]

♪

- All right, all right.

All right.

Let'’s go. - I'’m still hungry.

- [groans]

Here, you can eat this on the way.

- This is cookie dough.

- You'’re welcome.

- You'’re wearing your pajamas to the museum?

- These are sweatpants.

- Yeah, but you slept in them.

- Yeah. All right, let'’s go.

Let'’s-- out, out the door.

[man beatboxing]

[tires screeching]

♪

[tires screeching]

- Hey, sorry about the cookie dough.

Okay, guys, here we go. [indistinct].

Here we go. Come on, go in.

Go in, go in. Hurry, hurry!

♪

[bell dings] Hey.

- Jim, you'’re on time, and you'’re wearing sweatpants.

- Why would I be late?

- You got the planetarium tickets?

- Shh. You'’re not even supposed to have these, okay?

These are only for VIPs, and you are barely a P.

Now, if anybody asks, you found these

while you were foraging in the dumpster for your lunch.

- I did that once.

- Just don'’t get kicked out. - Ha ha.

- And how is little Mary?

- That'’s Elizabeth.

- I know, I was asking Elizabeth how Mary is.

Where'’s Jeannie?

- She'’ll be here in a minute.

- Good, '’cause that'’s about as long

as you'’re gonna be able to handle this.

Okay, remember, first floor--

"Prehistoric Man," not a hall of mirrors.

- Ha ha. How long were you holding onto that one?

- All morning. - Eh.

- Daddy, why doesn'’t Daniel like you?

- He'’s alone and no one loves him.

All right, where should we go first?

- I wanna see more dinosaurs.

- Gift shop!

- James, you don'’t go to a museum

and go right to the gift shop. This is a cultural experience.

Ah. I know a place we'’ll all love.

Let'’s go.

[man beatboxing]

- Can we see the dinosaurs next?

- Yeah, as soon as your mom gets here.

You gonna eat that? - Yay.

- It'’s perfectly good.

[phone ringing]

Oh, it'’s your mom.

Hey, honey. - I'’m still here.

They said it'’s gonna be at least another hour.

Everything'’s fine, but they want to do an x-ray.

Are you cool with that?

- Oh, that'’s fine. We'’re doing great.

- Which exhibit are you at?

- Uh...polar ice caps.

Hey, are you gonna eat that?

[man beatboxing]

♪

- Hey, Dad, what animal is that?

- Uh, that'’s-- It'’s a reindeer.

- It looks like a moose.

- It'’s a reindeer.

Moose. It--this was the original...

moose was a reindeer. They'’re like cousins.

And this reindeer--

Oh, my gosh, this is Rufus, the original reindeer.

Rufus Erectus. See those big...wing ears?

That'’s how he used to fly

and that'’s how he used to trap water.

They were called reindeer '’cause they used to catch

all the rain on that thing, and then...

they were deer, so they would make it rain.

And he used to lead the sleigh

back when Santa used to give people

rocks for Christmas that looked like toys during the Stone Age.

Anyway, Rufus was in charge of the sleigh.

He--he had a purple nose,

'’cause he ate eggplant and other stuff, and--

and then he--he was in charge until that snowy night,

and then Santa had Rudolph take over,

which by the way, no one really liked Rudolph.

And Rufus was-- he went into a tailspin.

Lot of smoking and drinking,

which I don'’t want you guys to do.

That'’s why he'’s so thin.

I think he trampled, like, five elves, and that'’s why--

- Excuse me, sir. What do you think you'’re doing?

- Um, educating my children.

- No, impersonating a tour guide.

- I wouldn'’t say I'’m impers--

I'’m a professional tour guide, sir.

- Okay, well-- - You are not.

- [laughs] Okay.

Well, doesn'’t look like you have a tour there, fella.

- Sir, you realize I have the authority to ask security

to kick you out of the building, don'’t you?

- [scoffs] The authority to ask?

- Vendalis! - [stutters]

No, no, I don'’t want any trouble. I'’m just--

look, I'’m trying to be a good dad, all right?

- Oh, okay.

Well, good dad, can you stop your kids

from licking the display case?

- D-don'’t lick that!

Sorry, they--kids!

They get that from their mother.

Come on, kids.

- Watch your children, sir.

- [muttering mockingly]

- What'’s that, sir?

- I-I didn'’t say anything. It was--

Don'’t sass off the nice man.

Her mother. [laughs]

See you, sir.

- Why is that guy angry at you?

- '’Cause I'’m better looking.

And that happens.

- When are we going to the Planetarium show?

- As soon as your mom gets here.

- Where is mom?

- She'’ll be here soon.

Does anyone have to go potty?

Nobody? Daddy has to go potty, so--

- Ew, the men'’s room!

- Old guys poo in there. [laughter]

- Stop that. We'’re going in.

- We'’re girls.

- James, help me out here.

You'’ve been in the men'’s room before, right?

- Mommy always takes me to the ladies room.

- We'’ll stay out here.

- But--

All right, here, come here. Everyone, over here.

Up against the wall. Up against the wall.

You too, up against the wall. All right, everybody,

I'’ll be back in two seconds, all right?

- [indistinct].

[groovy music]

♪

Oh, my God. I am bald.

[man beatboxing]

Oh, no.

♪

Oh, no.

- Oh. Oh, where'’s security?

Thanks.

Wha-- - They'’re saying that

these creatures still exist.

- [laughs] - Can you imagine?

[man beatboxing]

♪

- No running through the museum, sir.

- Right.

- Where are your kids?

- Uh, uh, they'’re-- they'’re with my wife.

I'’m going to meet them right now.

- No running.

- Every single day, pendejo. What kind of father are you?

You'’re so lazy.

- Blanca.

[phone ringing]

- Hello?

- Blanca? - Who is this?

- Jim. - Jim who?

- Jim Gaffigan.

- How'’d you get this number?

- You work for me.

- I work for Jeannie.

- [sighs] I-I need your help.

- Why Jeannie not call me?

- Jea--Jeannie asked me to call you.

- Maybe I call Jeannie.

- Uh, no. Uh...

J-Jeannie'’s saying something. What'’s that, Jeannie?

"Meh meh meh meh meh meh."

Oh, you want me to tell Blanca that everything'’s fine?

"Meh meh meh meh meh."

And she should forget the whole thing

and it never happened?

"Meh meh meh meh meh." Okay.

Jeannie says bye. "Meh meh."

[chuckles]

No running, right?

- [speaking Spanish] - Hello?

- The man I work for is such a fat, lazy, idiot.

You have no idea.

[laughter]

So fat. He eats a lot of pizza. [laughter]

Disgusting. - Blanca?

- I think he heard me.

Ah, he'’ll eat one Pop-Tart and forget, believe me.

[beeps]

[phone ringing]

- Hello? - It'’s Jim.

- Jim who? - Jim Gaffigan.

Are you at your girlfriend'’s on the Upper West Side?

- Mm, no.

- W-where are you?

- I'’m at Michelle'’s place.

- That'’s what I just asked you.

- Well, Michelle isn'’t my girlfriend.

- But she lives on the Upper West Side, right?

- Uh, that she does.

- I need you to come

to the Museum of Natural History.

I lost all five of my children.

- That'’s predictable.

I'’m sorry, buddy, we were just talking

about getting some brunch.

- But I need your help.

- I'’m kind of hungry.

- [stuttering] Look, you'’re my friend.

Just come and help me.

- [sighs] You'’re covering cab fare.

- Just get here!

[man beatboxing]

- Phase two renovations [indistinct] terrific--

Phase two renovations--

Good afternoon, sir. - Hi.

- How are you enjoying the museum today?

- Oh, it'’s great.

- That'’s good. And where are your children?

- They'’re here... somewhere.

- I'’m gonna catch up with you guys in a moment.

I just need to give directions to this homeless man.

- Uh, yeah, thanks. - [chuckles]

- Is that lady your mom?

- Where are your kids You lost all five?

- I was in the bathroom for three seconds.

- How natural selection hasn'’t completely eliminated you

baffles me.

- Ah, Mr. Benjamin.

We'’re all very excited about the new planetarium.

How'’s your mother, sir?

- Oh, she'’s great. Thank you so much.

- You know this guy?

- I do not.

- How do you lose a nine-month-old?

- They just disappeared.

- Well, maybe they were trying to escape

'’cause you'’re such a bad father.

Just go to security, tell them.

- I can'’t, they'’ll kick me out. It'’s a long story.

- They should kick you out.

- Can'’t you go for me?

- No, I'’m not gonna destroy my reputation

by associating with a guy in sweatpants

who loses five kids. Just go.

- I can'’t. - [sighs]

Okay, fine, I know this place like the back of my hand.

I can find them in five minutes.

- Okay. W-w-where are we?

- We'’re here.

Now, if we just spread out, you go here, I'’ll go there,

we'’ll find them in no time.

- Dave'’s coming to help too.

- Oh, good, that was your parental instinct,

to call low-rent Charlie Sheen?

[phone ringing]

- It'’s Dave. - Hey, man.

- Thank God you'’re here.

I-I need you to go to the south wing

and search the Prehistoric Mammals exhibit.

- There'’s a prehistoric mammal exhibit at The Guggenheim?

- I didn'’t say The Guggenheim.

- I think you did.

- Just get here! I need all hands on deck.

- Cab fare. - He'’ll be here.

- Okay, I think we should start at the Easter Island exhibit.

Kids love big heads. You'’ll fit right in.

[dramatic military music]

♪

- Are you out of breath already?

[man beatboxing]

- Okay, well, they'’re not near this giant head either.

I guess they'’re avoiding things that look like you.

[phone ringing] - Oh.

[sighs] It'’s--it'’s Jeannie.

- Well, answer it, you moron.

- All right. Okay, here we go.

Hey, girl!

- Hey, great news, I got out early.

How are the kids?

- Great. Never better.

- They sound quiet.

- They'’re--they'’re being really good.

- Can I talk to Mary?

- [stuttering] You'’re breaking up.

- What? - [imitating static]

- No, I can hear you fine.

Know what, I'’m getting in a cab right now.

I can meet you in 15 minutes.

- Bye!

She'’s gonna be here in 15 minutes.

[bell dings]

[car horn honks]

- Well, what are you gonna do?

- I don'’t know.

[phone ringing]

- It'’s Dave. Hello?

- Hey, man. I'’m in the giant whale room.

I found your kids.

- Oh, thank God. Okay, we'’ll be there.

- He'’s got '’em? - Yeah.

Where'’s the giant whale?

- You just set me up for a very easy joke.

We don'’t have time. - Okay.

[adventure music]

♪

- Hey, where are they? - They'’re right there.

One, two, three, four, five.

- Those aren'’t my kids. The--

the one on the end looks Laotian.

- Hmm. I don'’t know what your kids look like, Jim.

- Okay, when does Jeannie get here?

- 11 minutes. [bell dings]

- Okay, we have to split up.

Jim, you take Biodiversity,

I will take American Forests,

Dave, you--uh, okay, you stay here.

- Copy that. So anyway--

[adventure music]

- [panting]

Oh.

Elizabeth'’s mitten. They'’re close.

♪

- Oh, hello. [laughs]

Great to see you again. Wonderful to see you.

Nothing fishy here.

[laughs] Because of the fish.

♪

- [sighs] They'’re not up there.

♪

[Pac-Man effects]

♪

- Ah, great. Anything?

- No, no, no luck.

- Aw!

- You know what, I think you'’re just gonna

have to go to security, get kicked out,

and have your wife realize

what type of human disaster she breeded with.

- [scoffs] Couldn'’t I just... run away or something?

All right, I'’ll go to security.

- Hi.

- What'’s the child'’s name?

- How do you know I lost--

- Child'’s name?

- Mary.

James, Elizabeth, Joseph.

And Maggie.

- You lost five kids?

- We--I--yeah.

- Do the parents know?

- I'’m the parent.

- Mm-hmm.

What do they look like?

- They look like me but good looking, you know,

but I don'’t know. I don'’t know what they'’re gonna look like

when they get older, '’cause some kids are

really cute, and then when they get older--

like, remember "Partridge Family"?

Danny, wow, that didn'’t work out.

- What were they wearing?

- Clothes-- pants, shirts, socks.

I remember putting socks--

- What'’s going on, Johnson?

- This guy lost five kids.

- You mean those five kids?

- [sighs] Oh.

- The ones you abandoned outside of a men'’s room?

- Well... those aren'’t my kids.

all: Daddy!

- Yeah, those-- those ones are mine.

I mean, that I know of. [chuckles]

Tough crowd. So--

Your name is actually Dick?

- It'’s short for Richard. Do you have a problem with that?

- No, I love the--the name.

I mean, you love the name too, right?

Do I take them or do I need to sign something?

- You should go.

[man beatboxing]

- Hey!

- There you are! I hope I didn'’t miss anything.

- No. [stuttering] Not much, not much.

- So what exhibits have you seen?

- I liked the butterfly.

- I liked the dinosaurs. - I liked the big head.

- Wow, you'’ve really done a lot.

- Hey, I'’m-I'’m a great dad.

Let'’s go to the Planetarium.

[all cheering]

[man beatboxing]

- Have fun. Bye.

- So I have some dinosaur bones back at my place.

- Hey, Dave.

- Hey, look at that, you found '’em!

- Found who?

- Kids, how'’d you enjoy the Planetarium?

[all cheering] - [laughs]

- Wait, where'’s Jim?

- I don'’t know. Uh--

- Daddy?

- Jim? - Jim?

- Daddy? - Jim? Daddy?

- Jim? all: Daddy?

- The cosmos is a stupendous expanse

of time and space, which forces us to ask,

"What are we doing here?"

[dramatic music]

What are you doing here?

- Oh, I-I don'’t know, I'’m lost.

- In which you find matter and energy coalescing--

- Do--do you know where the bathroom is?

- Behind Saturn.

Where matter and energy coalesce to form stars and planets...

- Which one'’s Saturn? - And on those pla--

- Is-- - On those planets

you have the basic ingredients for life itself.

That leads us to ask the next question.

Are we the best example of intelligence in the universe?

- It'’s not-- that'’s not Saturn.

[man beatboxing]

Is there a cafe up here?

[man beatboxing]

♪