All language subtitles for The.Jim.Gaffigan.Show.S02E10_English

[man beatboxing]

- I am a good father!
- Okay.

- I'’m taking
all five of my kids

to the Museum of Natural History
tomorrow,

giving up my Saturday.
- All right.

- Would a bad father
do that?

- No, no.
Is Jeannie going?

- Yeah.
- Uh-huh.

- Yes, she is my wife.
We often spend time

together
with our children.

- Okay, well, see,
that doesn'’t count.

- Why?

- Because if you bring
your wife,

she'’s gonna do
everything.

You tagging along is like her
bringing six kids to the museum.

- You don'’t know
what you'’re talking about.

I can totally handle five kids
by myself.

- Five kids by yourself.

- Yeah.
- It'’s impossible.

- [chuckles]

[man beatboxing]

Jim, wake up.
It'’s 9:00.

- Huh?
What?

J-just get me when the kids
are dressed

and ready to go
to the museum.

- Nope, I can'’t.

My dentist appointment
for Tuesday was cancelled

and they have to see me
today.

If I don'’t go now,
they can'’t reschedule me

till next month,
and my tooth is killing me.

- Uh, looks like we'’re not
going to the museum, huh?

- No, no,
the kids have been

looking forward to this
all week.

- That'’s great, honey.
I love you too.

- No, Jim,
you'’re still taking them.

- What?

- Yes, Daniel is giving us
those tickets

to the new planetarium show.

- Jeez, you want me
to take all five kids

to the museum by myself?
What, are you drunk?

- No, I just need you
to get them there

and I'’m gonna meet you
as soon as I'’m done

with my dentist appointment.

Oh, what am I thinking?
You can'’t do this.

All right,
let me call Blanca.

She'’ll come over,
she'’ll help you.

- No, don'’t call, Blanca.

Why would I need
Blanca'’s help?

I can do this by myself.

Just do me a favor,
wake me up

when the kids are dressed and
ready to go to the museum.

- No, Jim, I can'’t.
I'’m late!

- [scoffs]
Fine.

I guess I'’ll get
my own coffee too.

I'’m like a single dad.

- Okay, just hurry up,

'’cause Daniel'’s meeting you
there in one hour.

- An hour? What?
[bell dings]

- I love you.
Have so much fun.

Bye.
- Bye, Mommy.

- Thank you.
all: Bye, Mommy!

- Daddy, Daddy,
I want eggs.

[all asking questions]

- I want cereal.
- I want a bagel.

- Daddy!
- I want juice!

all: I'’m hungry!

- All right. All right,
all right, here we go.

[man beatboxing]

♪

- Joseph has a poopie.

- When are we leaving
for the museum?

- Can I wear my mittens?
- I'’m still hungry.

- Look, I need to drink
my coffee, all right?

- You'’re supposed to get us
dressed.

- Fine.

[man beatboxing]

♪

[baby crying]
- Dad, are you gonna change

Joseph'’s poopie?

[baby crying]
- When are we leaving

for the museum?
Can I bring my sword?

- No.

- I'’m hungry.

- Maggie has a poopie.

[baby crying]

[man beatboxing]

♪

- All right, all right.

All right.

Let'’s go.
- I'’m still hungry.

- [groans]

Here, you can eat this
on the way.

- This is cookie dough.

- You'’re welcome.

- You'’re wearing your pajamas
to the museum?

- These are sweatpants.

- Yeah, but you
slept in them.

- Yeah.
All right, let'’s go.

Let'’s--
out, out the door.

[man beatboxing]

[tires screeching]

♪

[tires screeching]

- Hey, sorry
about the cookie dough.

Okay, guys, here we go.
[indistinct].

Here we go.
Come on, go in.

Go in, go in.
Hurry, hurry!

♪

[bell dings]
Hey.

- Jim, you'’re on time,
and you'’re wearing sweatpants.

- Why would I be late?

- You got
the planetarium tickets?

- Shh. You'’re not even
supposed to have these, okay?

These are only for VIPs,
and you are barely a P.

Now, if anybody asks,
you found these

while you were foraging
in the dumpster for your lunch.

- I did that once.

- Just don'’t get kicked out.
- Ha ha.

- And how is
little Mary?

- That'’s Elizabeth.

- I know, I was asking Elizabeth
how Mary is.

Where'’s Jeannie?

- She'’ll be here
in a minute.

- Good, '’cause that'’s
about as long

as you'’re gonna be able
to handle this.

Okay, remember,
first floor--

"Prehistoric Man,"
not a hall of mirrors.

- Ha ha. How long were you
holding onto that one?

- All morning.
- Eh.

- Daddy, why doesn'’t
Daniel like you?

- He'’s alone and
no one loves him.

All right, where
should we go first?

- I wanna see
more dinosaurs.

- Gift shop!

- James, you don'’t go
to a museum

and go right to the gift shop.
This is a cultural experience.

Ah.
I know a place we'’ll all love.

Let'’s go.

[man beatboxing]

- Can we see
the dinosaurs next?

- Yeah, as soon as your mom
gets here.

You gonna eat that?
- Yay.

- It'’s perfectly good.

[phone ringing]

Oh, it'’s your mom.

Hey, honey.
- I'’m still here.

They said it'’s gonna be
at least another hour.

Everything'’s fine,
but they want to do an x-ray.

Are you cool with that?

- Oh, that'’s fine.
We'’re doing great.

- Which exhibit are you at?

- Uh...polar ice caps.

Hey, are you gonna
eat that?

[man beatboxing]

♪

- Hey, Dad,
what animal is that?

- Uh, that'’s--
It'’s a reindeer.

- It looks like a moose.

- It'’s a reindeer.

Moose. It--this was
the original...

moose was a reindeer.
They'’re like cousins.

And this reindeer--

Oh, my gosh, this is Rufus,
the original reindeer.

Rufus Erectus.
See those big...wing ears?

That'’s how he used to fly

and that'’s how
he used to trap water.

They were called reindeer
'’cause they used to catch

all the rain on that thing,
and then...

they were deer,
so they would make it rain.

And he used to lead
the sleigh

back when Santa
used to give people

rocks for Christmas that looked
like toys during the Stone Age.

Anyway, Rufus was
in charge of the sleigh.

He--he had a purple nose,

'’cause he ate eggplant
and other stuff, and--

and then he--he was in charge
until that snowy night,

and then Santa had Rudolph
take over,

which by the way,
no one really liked Rudolph.

And Rufus was--
he went into a tailspin.

Lot of smoking
and drinking,

which I don'’t want
you guys to do.

That'’s why he'’s so thin.

I think he trampled, like,
five elves, and that'’s why--

- Excuse me, sir.
What do you think you'’re doing?

- Um, educating my children.

- No, impersonating
a tour guide.

- I wouldn'’t say
I'’m impers--

I'’m a professional tour guide,
sir.

- Okay, well--
- You are not.

- [laughs]
Okay.

Well, doesn'’t look like
you have a tour there, fella.

- Sir, you realize I have
the authority to ask security

to kick you out of the building,
don'’t you?

- [scoffs]
The authority to ask?

- Vendalis!
- [stutters]

No, no, I don'’t want
any trouble. I'’m just--

look, I'’m trying to be
a good dad, all right?

- Oh, okay.

Well, good dad,
can you stop your kids

from licking
the display case?

- D-don'’t lick that!

Sorry, they--kids!

They get that
from their mother.

Come on, kids.

- Watch your children, sir.

- [muttering mockingly]

- What'’s that, sir?

- I-I didn'’t say anything.
It was--

Don'’t sass off
the nice man.

Her mother.
[laughs]

See you, sir.

- Why is that guy
angry at you?

- '’Cause I'’m better looking.

And that happens.

- When are we going
to the Planetarium show?

- As soon as your mom
gets here.

- Where is mom?

- She'’ll be here soon.

Does anyone
have to go potty?

Nobody?
Daddy has to go potty, so--

- Ew, the men'’s room!

- Old guys poo in there.
[laughter]

- Stop that.
We'’re going in.

- We'’re girls.

- James,
help me out here.

You'’ve been
in the men'’s room before, right?

- Mommy always takes me
to the ladies room.

- We'’ll stay out here.

- But--

All right, here, come here.
Everyone, over here.

Up against the wall.
Up against the wall.

You too, up against the wall.
All right, everybody,

I'’ll be back in two seconds,
all right?

- [indistinct].

[groovy music]

♪

Oh, my God.
I am bald.

[man beatboxing]

Oh, no.

♪

Oh, no.

- Oh.
Oh, where'’s security?

Thanks.

Wha--
- They'’re saying that

these creatures
still exist.

- [laughs]
- Can you imagine?

[man beatboxing]

♪

- No running
through the museum, sir.

- Right.

- Where are your kids?

- Uh, uh, they'’re--
they'’re with my wife.

I'’m going to meet them
right now.

- No running.

- Every single day, pendejo.
What kind of father are you?

You'’re so lazy.

- Blanca.

[phone ringing]

- Hello?

- Blanca?
- Who is this?

- Jim.
- Jim who?

- Jim Gaffigan.

- How'’d you get
this number?

- You work for me.

- I work for Jeannie.

- [sighs]
I-I need your help.

- Why Jeannie
not call me?

- Jea--Jeannie asked me
to call you.

- Maybe I call Jeannie.

- Uh, no.
Uh...

J-Jeannie'’s saying something.
What'’s that, Jeannie?

"Meh meh meh meh meh meh."

Oh, you want me to tell Blanca
that everything'’s fine?

"Meh meh meh meh meh."

And she should forget
the whole thing

and it never happened?

"Meh meh meh meh meh."
Okay.

Jeannie says bye.
"Meh meh."

[chuckles]

No running, right?

- [speaking Spanish]
- Hello?

- The man I work for is
such a fat, lazy, idiot.

You have no idea.

[laughter]

So fat. He eats a lot of pizza.
[laughter]

Disgusting.
- Blanca?

- I think he heard me.

Ah, he'’ll eat one Pop-Tart
and forget, believe me.

[beeps]

[phone ringing]

- Hello?
- It'’s Jim.

- Jim who?
- Jim Gaffigan.

Are you at your girlfriend'’s
on the Upper West Side?

- Mm, no.

- W-where are you?

- I'’m at Michelle'’s place.

- That'’s what
I just asked you.

- Well, Michelle isn'’t
my girlfriend.

- But she lives
on the Upper West Side, right?

- Uh, that she does.

- I need you to come

to the Museum
of Natural History.

I lost
all five of my children.

- That'’s predictable.

I'’m sorry, buddy,
we were just talking

about getting
some brunch.

- But I need your help.

- I'’m kind of hungry.

- [stuttering]
Look, you'’re my friend.

Just come and help me.

- [sighs]
You'’re covering cab fare.

- Just get here!

[man beatboxing]

- Phase two renovations
[indistinct] terrific--

Phase two renovations--

Good afternoon, sir.
- Hi.

- How are you enjoying
the museum today?

- Oh, it'’s great.

- That'’s good.
And where are your children?

- They'’re here...
somewhere.

- I'’m gonna catch up
with you guys in a moment.

I just need to give directions
to this homeless man.

- Uh, yeah, thanks.
- [chuckles]

- Is that lady
your mom?

- Where are your kids
You lost all five?

- I was in the bathroom
for three seconds.

- How natural selection hasn'’t
completely eliminated you

baffles me.

- Ah, Mr. Benjamin.

We'’re all very excited
about the new planetarium.

How'’s your mother, sir?

- Oh, she'’s great.
Thank you so much.

- You know this guy?

- I do not.

- How do you lose
a nine-month-old?

- They just disappeared.

- Well, maybe they were
trying to escape

'’cause you'’re
such a bad father.

Just go to security,
tell them.

- I can'’t, they'’ll kick me out.
It'’s a long story.

- They should
kick you out.

- Can'’t you go for me?

- No, I'’m not gonna
destroy my reputation

by associating
with a guy in sweatpants

who loses five kids.
Just go.

- I can'’t.
- [sighs]

Okay, fine, I know this place
like the back of my hand.

I can find them
in five minutes.

- Okay.
W-w-where are we?

- We'’re here.

Now, if we just spread out,
you go here, I'’ll go there,

we'’ll find them
in no time.

- Dave'’s coming
to help too.

- Oh, good, that was
your parental instinct,

to call
low-rent Charlie Sheen?

[phone ringing]

- It'’s Dave.
- Hey, man.

- Thank God you'’re here.

I-I need you to go
to the south wing

and search
the Prehistoric Mammals exhibit.

- There'’s a prehistoric mammal
exhibit at The Guggenheim?

- I didn'’t say
The Guggenheim.

- I think you did.

- Just get here!
I need all hands on deck.

- Cab fare.
- He'’ll be here.

- Okay, I think we should start
at the Easter Island exhibit.

Kids love big heads.
You'’ll fit right in.

[dramatic military music]

♪

- Are you out of breath
already?

[man beatboxing]

- Okay, well, they'’re not
near this giant head either.

I guess they'’re avoiding
things that look like you.

[phone ringing]
- Oh.

[sighs]
It'’s--it'’s Jeannie.

- Well, answer it,
you moron.

- All right.
Okay, here we go.

Hey, girl!

- Hey, great news,
I got out early.

How are the kids?

- Great.
Never better.

- They sound quiet.

- They'’re--they'’re being
really good.

- Can I talk to Mary?

- [stuttering]
You'’re breaking up.

- What?
- [imitating static]

- No, I can hear you fine.

Know what, I'’m getting
in a cab right now.

I can meet you
in 15 minutes.

- Bye!

She'’s gonna be here
in 15 minutes.

[bell dings]

[car horn honks]

- Well, what are you
gonna do?

- I don'’t know.

[phone ringing]

- It'’s Dave.
Hello?

- Hey, man.
I'’m in the giant whale room.

I found your kids.

- Oh, thank God.
Okay, we'’ll be there.

- He'’s got '’em?
- Yeah.

Where'’s the giant whale?

- You just set me up
for a very easy joke.

We don'’t have time.
- Okay.

[adventure music]

♪

- Hey, where are they?
- They'’re right there.

One, two, three,
four, five.

- Those aren'’t my kids.
The--

the one on the end
looks Laotian.

- Hmm. I don'’t know
what your kids look like, Jim.

- Okay, when does Jeannie
get here?

- 11 minutes.
[bell dings]

- Okay,
we have to split up.

Jim, you take
Biodiversity,

I will take
American Forests,

Dave, you--uh,
okay, you stay here.

- Copy that.
So anyway--

[adventure music]

- [panting]

Oh.

Elizabeth'’s mitten.
They'’re close.

♪

- Oh, hello.
[laughs]

Great to see you again.
Wonderful to see you.

Nothing fishy here.

[laughs]
Because of the fish.

♪

- [sighs]
They'’re not up there.

♪

[Pac-Man effects]

♪

- Ah, great.
Anything?

- No, no, no luck.

- Aw!

- You know what,
I think you'’re just gonna

have to go to security,
get kicked out,

and have your wife
realize

what type of human disaster
she breeded with.

- [scoffs] Couldn'’t I just...
run away or something?

All right,
I'’ll go to security.

- Hi.

- What'’s the child'’s name?

- How do you know I lost--

- Child'’s name?

- Mary.

James, Elizabeth, Joseph.

And Maggie.

- You lost five kids?

- We--I--yeah.

- Do the parents know?

- I'’m the parent.

- Mm-hmm.

What do they look like?

- They look like me
but good looking, you know,

but I don'’t know. I don'’t know
what they'’re gonna look like

when they get older,
'’cause some kids are

really cute, and then
when they get older--

like, remember
"Partridge Family"?

Danny, wow,
that didn'’t work out.

- What were they wearing?

- Clothes--
pants, shirts, socks.

I remember putting socks--

- What'’s going on,
Johnson?

- This guy lost
five kids.

- You mean those five kids?

- [sighs] Oh.

- The ones you abandoned
outside of a men'’s room?

- Well...
those aren'’t my kids.

all: Daddy!

- Yeah, those--
those ones are mine.

I mean, that I know of.
[chuckles]

Tough crowd.
So--

Your name is
actually Dick?

- It'’s short for Richard.
Do you have a problem with that?

- No, I love
the--the name.

I mean, you love
the name too, right?

Do I take them or
do I need to sign something?

- You should go.

[man beatboxing]

- Hey!

- There you are!
I hope I didn'’t miss anything.

- No. [stuttering]
Not much, not much.

- So what exhibits
have you seen?

- I liked the butterfly.

- I liked the dinosaurs.
- I liked the big head.

- Wow, you'’ve really done
a lot.

- Hey, I'’m-I'’m a great dad.

Let'’s go to the Planetarium.

[all cheering]

[man beatboxing]

- Have fun.
Bye.

- So I have some dinosaur bones
back at my place.

- Hey, Dave.

- Hey, look at that,
you found '’em!

- Found who?

- Kids, how'’d you enjoy
the Planetarium?

[all cheering]
- [laughs]

- Wait, where'’s Jim?

- I don'’t know.
Uh--

- Daddy?

- Jim?
- Jim?

- Daddy?
- Jim? Daddy?

- Jim?
all: Daddy?

- The cosmos is
a stupendous expanse

of time and space,
which forces us to ask,

"What are we doing here?"

[dramatic music]

What are you doing here?

- Oh, I-I don'’t know,
I'’m lost.

- In which you find matter
and energy coalescing--

- Do--do you know
where the bathroom is?

- Behind Saturn.

Where matter and energy coalesce
to form stars and planets...

- Which one'’s Saturn?
- And on those pla--

- Is--
- On those planets

you have the basic ingredients
for life itself.

That leads us to ask
the next question.

Are we the best example
of intelligence in the universe?

- It'’s not--
that'’s not Saturn.

[man beatboxing]

Is there a cafe up here?

[man beatboxing]

♪