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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:06,567 --> 00:00:07,997 [phone ringing] 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:09,030 - [sighs] 3 00:00:09,033 --> 00:00:10,173 Hello? 4 00:00:10,167 --> 00:00:12,267 - Please hold for Dave Marks. 5 00:00:12,267 --> 00:00:14,427 - Jim, where are you? - I'm at Katz's. 6 00:00:14,433 --> 00:00:16,033 I've been waiting here for 20 minutes. 7 00:00:16,033 --> 00:00:18,003 Where are you guys? - What are you doing at Katz's? 8 00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:19,800 We agreed we weren't working there anymore. 9 00:00:19,800 --> 00:00:21,270 We discussed this at the production meeting. 10 00:00:21,267 --> 00:00:22,767 - What production meeting? 11 00:00:22,767 --> 00:00:24,567 - The one yesterday. The one you decided to blow off. 12 00:00:24,567 --> 00:00:25,897 You know, Will Ferrell was in town. 13 00:00:25,900 --> 00:00:27,000 He was not happy. 14 00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:28,030 - But I didn't know about it. 15 00:00:28,033 --> 00:00:29,403 - Look, whatever. 16 00:00:29,400 --> 00:00:30,930 We're at Cherche Midi, all right? 17 00:00:30,933 --> 00:00:32,973 - Look, Dave, I don't know how to tell Will this, 18 00:00:32,967 --> 00:00:35,767 but I don't think I can work on this "Weatherman" show. 19 00:00:35,767 --> 00:00:37,267 That was my idea. 20 00:00:37,267 --> 00:00:39,497 - Jim, you really got to come to these meetings, okay? 21 00:00:39,500 --> 00:00:41,000 "Weatherman" is not happening. 22 00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:43,430 It's more of a fat guy role anyway, all right? 23 00:00:43,433 --> 00:00:45,673 Will wants to do it next season with you. 24 00:00:45,667 --> 00:00:47,797 - He does? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look. 25 00:00:47,800 --> 00:00:50,030 But in my show, he wants me to be a private investigator. 26 00:00:50,033 --> 00:00:52,373 You're supposed to be writing with us, so get over here. 27 00:00:52,367 --> 00:00:53,797 and don't order anything. 28 00:00:53,800 --> 00:00:54,830 - I won't. 29 00:00:54,833 --> 00:00:55,833 I'm on my way. 30 00:00:55,833 --> 00:00:57,733 Oh, jeez. Um... 31 00:00:57,733 --> 00:01:01,973 I hate to be a pain, but could I also get fries? 32 00:01:01,967 --> 00:01:04,967 [man beatboxing] 33 00:01:04,967 --> 00:01:09,367 34 00:01:09,367 --> 00:01:13,227 [man humming and beatboxing] 35 00:01:13,233 --> 00:01:15,373 Hi, I'm supposed to... 36 00:01:19,867 --> 00:01:22,367 - Excuse me, do you have an appointment with Mr. Marks? 37 00:01:22,367 --> 00:01:24,427 - An appointment? Who are you? 38 00:01:24,433 --> 00:01:26,273 - I'm Dave's assistant, Foshay. 39 00:01:26,267 --> 00:01:27,667 - Look, Foshay. 40 00:01:27,667 --> 00:01:28,467 - Foshay. 41 00:01:28,467 --> 00:01:30,427 - Foshay. Uh... 42 00:01:30,433 --> 00:01:32,203 - Mr. Marks is in a meeting right now. 43 00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:33,830 - I thought we had a writers' meeting. 44 00:01:33,833 --> 00:01:35,833 - Thanks to your discourteous regard for our time, 45 00:01:35,833 --> 00:01:37,833 the writers' meeting has been postponed. 46 00:01:37,833 --> 00:01:39,333 We have a tight schedule. 47 00:01:39,333 --> 00:01:41,803 Right now, he's casting the role of landlady. 48 00:01:41,800 --> 00:01:42,870 - Land-- 49 00:01:45,600 --> 00:01:47,230 I don't have time for this. 50 00:01:47,233 --> 00:01:49,973 - Uh-uh. - Jim. 51 00:01:49,967 --> 00:01:51,067 - John. 52 00:01:51,067 --> 00:01:52,227 Uh... 53 00:01:52,233 --> 00:01:53,333 - [sighs] 54 00:01:53,333 --> 00:01:54,703 - What are you doing over here? 55 00:01:54,700 --> 00:01:56,730 - Waiting for Dave. 56 00:01:57,933 --> 00:01:59,403 - This is ridiculous. 57 00:01:59,400 --> 00:02:00,830 And who's Foshay? 58 00:02:00,833 --> 00:02:02,473 - It's actually pronounced Foshay. 59 00:02:02,467 --> 00:02:04,067 - That's what I said. Foshay. 60 00:02:04,067 --> 00:02:05,567 - No, you said it differently. 61 00:02:05,567 --> 00:02:08,067 - All right, look, can we just start on the script? 62 00:02:08,067 --> 00:02:11,967 - Apparently we can't do any writing till Dave's free. 63 00:02:11,967 --> 00:02:13,097 - What are we even doing here? 64 00:02:13,100 --> 00:02:14,570 - Tell me about it. 65 00:02:14,567 --> 00:02:16,067 Plus, he basically shoots down every idea I have now. 66 00:02:16,067 --> 00:02:18,467 - Well, have you and Will talked to him about it? 67 00:02:18,467 --> 00:02:20,397 - I was wondering if you would talk to him. 68 00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:21,930 - Me? - Well, you're friends. 69 00:02:21,933 --> 00:02:24,573 Plus, you already have a reputation for being difficult. 70 00:02:24,567 --> 00:02:25,767 - I do? 71 00:02:25,767 --> 00:02:27,297 - Well, you blew off the production meeting. 72 00:02:27,300 --> 00:02:28,830 - But I-- I didn't know about it. 73 00:02:28,833 --> 00:02:30,633 I'm not hungry. Thank you. 74 00:02:30,633 --> 00:02:32,073 You know what? Um... 75 00:02:32,067 --> 00:02:33,267 I'll get the steak frites. 76 00:02:33,267 --> 00:02:34,867 You want something? - No, thank you. 77 00:02:34,867 --> 00:02:36,727 - He'll get the fries. Get the fries. 78 00:02:36,733 --> 00:02:39,333 They have this mayo that's, like, amazing here. 79 00:02:39,333 --> 00:02:40,773 - Is it mayonnaise? 80 00:02:40,767 --> 00:02:41,727 - Yeah. 81 00:02:41,733 --> 00:02:44,833 [man humming and beatboxing] 82 00:02:44,833 --> 00:02:52,773 83 00:03:13,067 --> 00:03:13,967 [plate clatters] 84 00:03:16,633 --> 00:03:18,673 - Finally. Let's go. 85 00:03:20,767 --> 00:03:22,367 Come on, Foshay. 86 00:03:23,733 --> 00:03:25,533 - What now? 87 00:03:25,533 --> 00:03:26,973 - He's talking to Dave. 88 00:03:26,967 --> 00:03:27,897 - I know. 89 00:03:31,900 --> 00:03:32,830 Why? 90 00:03:38,233 --> 00:03:40,073 - Hmm. 91 00:03:40,067 --> 00:03:43,167 - Dave, isn't this supposed to be a writers' session? 92 00:03:43,167 --> 00:03:44,327 - Relax, Jim, okay? 93 00:03:44,333 --> 00:03:45,603 This is your lucky day, all right? 94 00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:46,800 Both Louie Anderson and John Goodman 95 00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:48,070 passed on the Jim Gaffigan role. 96 00:03:48,067 --> 00:03:49,197 - No. - I know. 97 00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:50,370 - Oh, damn it. 98 00:03:50,367 --> 00:03:51,697 Did you try Bruce Vilanch? 99 00:03:51,700 --> 00:03:53,700 - Oh. Can he gain weight? - He could gain. 100 00:03:53,700 --> 00:03:56,070 - You think after you rejected me for playing myself 101 00:03:56,067 --> 00:03:58,597 you can just offer me the role and I'll accept? 102 00:03:58,600 --> 00:03:59,630 - Oh, I don't think that. 103 00:03:59,633 --> 00:04:01,073 But I do think I can offer you 104 00:04:01,067 --> 00:04:02,667 the opportunity to audition for the role. 105 00:04:02,667 --> 00:04:05,697 - You want me to audition to play myself. 106 00:04:05,700 --> 00:04:08,070 - It would be fun to see what you'd do with the part. 107 00:04:08,067 --> 00:04:10,697 - I'm not auditioning to play myself. 108 00:04:10,700 --> 00:04:11,900 - You're perfect for it. 109 00:04:11,900 --> 00:04:14,100 - Of course I'm perfect for it. 110 00:04:14,100 --> 00:04:15,200 Where the hell's my phone? 111 00:04:15,200 --> 00:04:16,830 - You have to go in for it. 112 00:04:16,833 --> 00:04:19,603 Do you really want some unknown actor to play Jim Gaffigan 113 00:04:19,600 --> 00:04:21,700 just because you were too proud to audition? 114 00:04:21,700 --> 00:04:23,300 It could destroy your career. 115 00:04:23,300 --> 00:04:24,700 - [scoffs] 116 00:04:24,700 --> 00:04:27,200 Obviously they should just offer it to me. 117 00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:28,200 Ugh. Here it is. 118 00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:29,600 Why is it there? 119 00:04:29,600 --> 00:04:30,730 - It's like I'm sure this audition 120 00:04:30,733 --> 00:04:32,073 is just some sort of a formality. 121 00:04:32,067 --> 00:04:33,497 Jim, we're so close to being able 122 00:04:33,500 --> 00:04:34,970 to do our "Weatherman" project. 123 00:04:34,967 --> 00:04:37,467 Can you imagine getting paid to be a writer and an actor? 124 00:04:37,467 --> 00:04:39,067 We need this. 125 00:04:39,067 --> 00:04:41,597 We're in a bidding war on our dream apartment. 126 00:04:41,600 --> 00:04:42,600 - What bidding war? 127 00:04:42,600 --> 00:04:44,070 - Just play ball. 128 00:04:44,067 --> 00:04:46,527 You auditioning for Jim Gaffigan will totally change 129 00:04:46,533 --> 00:04:48,173 your reputation for being difficult. 130 00:04:48,167 --> 00:04:51,427 - I don't have a reputation for being difficult. 131 00:04:51,433 --> 00:04:53,073 - I could help you with the audition. 132 00:04:53,067 --> 00:04:54,967 I'm, like, an expert at this character. 133 00:04:54,967 --> 00:04:55,967 I live with the guy. 134 00:04:55,967 --> 00:04:57,197 - I am the guy. 135 00:04:57,200 --> 00:04:59,070 And you know, this guy has a wife. 136 00:04:59,067 --> 00:05:01,497 Aren't you a little concerned how Dave Marks 137 00:05:01,500 --> 00:05:03,300 is gonna portray you on national television? 138 00:05:03,300 --> 00:05:05,830 - He said he's trying to get Kelly Ripa to play my part. 139 00:05:05,833 --> 00:05:07,803 She's, like, so adorable. She's, like, perfect. 140 00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:09,500 - He's not gonna get Kelly Ripa 141 00:05:09,500 --> 00:05:11,500 to quit her daytime talk show 142 00:05:11,500 --> 00:05:14,270 to do a sitcom on TV Land. 143 00:05:14,267 --> 00:05:15,667 And what about our kids? 144 00:05:15,667 --> 00:05:17,667 How are they gonna be portrayed? 145 00:05:17,667 --> 00:05:20,967 Dave thinks that they're germ-infested monsters. 146 00:05:20,967 --> 00:05:24,727 - Mom, James is eating boogers again. 147 00:05:24,733 --> 00:05:25,533 - Ick. 148 00:05:25,533 --> 00:05:26,733 - [sighs] 149 00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:32,130 [man humming and beatboxing] 150 00:05:32,133 --> 00:05:36,573 151 00:05:36,567 --> 00:05:38,967 - Wow, you really did your research. 152 00:05:38,967 --> 00:05:40,367 - I didn't shower. 153 00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:42,470 - Oh, my god. 154 00:05:42,467 --> 00:05:43,727 You look exactly like him... 155 00:05:43,733 --> 00:05:45,373 but fatter. [chuckles] 156 00:05:45,367 --> 00:05:48,067 - But I am him. 157 00:05:48,067 --> 00:05:49,967 Me. 158 00:05:49,967 --> 00:05:51,227 - Hot Pockets 159 00:05:51,233 --> 00:05:53,073 Hot Pockets 160 00:05:53,067 --> 00:05:55,397 Hot Pockets 161 00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:57,400 Hot Pockets 162 00:05:57,400 --> 00:05:59,230 [muffled laughter] 163 00:05:59,233 --> 00:06:01,133 I knew this was a waste of my time. 164 00:06:01,133 --> 00:06:02,773 [paper crumpling] 165 00:06:04,467 --> 00:06:07,397 [muffled laughter] 166 00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:11,070 - Wait, aren't you the punter for the Seattle Seahawks? 167 00:06:11,067 --> 00:06:12,367 - I'm also an actor. 168 00:06:12,367 --> 00:06:13,827 - Oh. 169 00:06:13,833 --> 00:06:15,533 Cool. 170 00:06:15,533 --> 00:06:16,933 - Do you have sunscreen? 171 00:06:16,933 --> 00:06:18,833 [muffled laughter] 172 00:06:18,833 --> 00:06:21,933 - I mean, it's just fun to play a big fat slob. 173 00:06:21,933 --> 00:06:23,633 - And Raj loved you. 174 00:06:23,633 --> 00:06:25,073 - That's so exciting. 175 00:06:25,067 --> 00:06:26,627 - Can you gain 60 or 70 pounds? 176 00:06:26,633 --> 00:06:28,803 - Couldn't I wear, like, a fat suit or a prego pad? 177 00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:30,100 - That's a good point. 178 00:06:30,100 --> 00:06:31,100 Yeah. - Yeah. Awesome. 179 00:06:31,100 --> 00:06:32,470 [mimics hammer tapping] 180 00:06:32,467 --> 00:06:33,627 Nailed it. 181 00:06:34,533 --> 00:06:36,133 Good luck, Jimmy. 182 00:06:36,133 --> 00:06:38,773 - Okay, next up is Jim... 183 00:06:38,767 --> 00:06:39,567 Gaffigan? 184 00:06:39,567 --> 00:06:41,197 - Uh, that's me. 185 00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:43,200 - All right, you can just put your stuff on the chair. 186 00:06:43,200 --> 00:06:44,370 I got this one. 187 00:06:45,533 --> 00:06:47,233 - Uh, Dave's not here? 188 00:06:47,233 --> 00:06:49,803 - Oh, the executive producer never comes to initial castings. 189 00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:51,400 You're going on tape. 190 00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:53,730 - Oh, I just figured, you know, I know him. 191 00:06:53,733 --> 00:06:54,773 I thought he'd be here. 192 00:06:54,767 --> 00:06:56,367 - Here's how it works. 193 00:06:56,367 --> 00:06:58,667 For the first round, it's just the casting director. 194 00:06:58,667 --> 00:07:00,627 - Oh, you're the casting director. 195 00:07:00,633 --> 00:07:03,533 - No, I am the casting associate. 196 00:07:03,533 --> 00:07:05,103 The casting director just left. 197 00:07:05,100 --> 00:07:06,070 He has SoulCycle class. 198 00:07:06,067 --> 00:07:07,497 He'll watch your tape. 199 00:07:07,500 --> 00:07:09,400 If he likes it, he'll show it to the producers. 200 00:07:09,400 --> 00:07:11,870 If they like it, you'll get what's called a callback. 201 00:07:11,867 --> 00:07:13,167 - I understand. 202 00:07:13,167 --> 00:07:14,727 I've auditioned before. 203 00:07:14,733 --> 00:07:17,533 - Okay, can we get started? 204 00:07:17,533 --> 00:07:19,373 - Yes, please. - Okay, great. 205 00:07:19,367 --> 00:07:20,967 Slate: your name and the character. 206 00:07:20,967 --> 00:07:23,897 - Jim Gaffigan auditioning for... 207 00:07:23,900 --> 00:07:25,070 Jim Gaffigan. 208 00:07:25,067 --> 00:07:26,867 - Okay, we're just gonna get into it. 209 00:07:26,867 --> 00:07:28,827 I will cue you. I will read as Dave. 210 00:07:28,833 --> 00:07:30,573 And remember, you're a white-bread shlub 211 00:07:30,567 --> 00:07:32,297 trapped in a loveless marriage. 212 00:07:32,300 --> 00:07:33,830 And... 213 00:07:33,833 --> 00:07:36,833 "Jim, you turned down $1 million?" 214 00:07:36,833 --> 00:07:39,473 - Dave, I have five children that I have to feed-- 215 00:07:39,467 --> 00:07:41,167 - Oh, that's an old script. 216 00:07:41,167 --> 00:07:43,067 You're gonna need the new pages. 217 00:07:43,067 --> 00:07:44,167 - New pages? 218 00:07:44,167 --> 00:07:45,967 - Yeah, those are, like, super old. 219 00:07:45,967 --> 00:07:48,327 Don't even regard this anymore. - But I'm a writer on the show. 220 00:07:48,333 --> 00:07:51,203 - All right, I'm just gonna keep the camera rolling. 221 00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:52,700 And... 222 00:07:52,700 --> 00:07:54,930 "Jim, you turned down $1 million?" 223 00:07:54,933 --> 00:07:57,333 - "Yes, I know I need the money, 224 00:07:57,333 --> 00:08:01,433 but I'm not gonna let those Jews in Hollywood tell me"-- 225 00:08:01,433 --> 00:08:02,433 Wha--okay, wait. 226 00:08:02,433 --> 00:08:03,873 I would never say this. 227 00:08:03,867 --> 00:08:05,527 - Could you just read the lines as written? 228 00:08:05,533 --> 00:08:06,973 - Okay, fine. 229 00:08:06,967 --> 00:08:08,067 Um... 230 00:08:08,067 --> 00:08:09,167 "Your people, Dave. 231 00:08:09,167 --> 00:08:10,667 "I'm not saying Hitler was right. 232 00:08:10,667 --> 00:08:12,367 I'm just saying"-- Wait a minute. 233 00:08:12,367 --> 00:08:14,297 You know, I-- I can't say this. 234 00:08:14,300 --> 00:08:15,870 - It's not you saying it. 235 00:08:15,867 --> 00:08:17,527 It's the character saying it. 236 00:08:17,533 --> 00:08:19,073 Jim Gaffigan is saying it. 237 00:08:19,067 --> 00:08:21,067 - But that's me. I'm Jim Ga-- 238 00:08:21,067 --> 00:08:23,827 You know, I--I can't do this. I'm sorry. 239 00:08:23,833 --> 00:08:24,903 - Not everyone can. 240 00:08:24,900 --> 00:08:26,270 But, you know, stick around. 241 00:08:26,267 --> 00:08:28,067 I'd love to see you read for Doughy Waiter. 242 00:08:28,067 --> 00:08:29,427 [man humming and beatboxing] 243 00:08:29,433 --> 00:08:31,303 Okay. 244 00:08:31,300 --> 00:08:32,700 - Hey, John. 245 00:08:32,700 --> 00:08:34,800 - Hey, Jim. How are you? 246 00:08:34,800 --> 00:08:36,530 - We got to do something about Dave. 247 00:08:36,533 --> 00:08:39,073 These script rewrites are ridiculous. 248 00:08:39,067 --> 00:08:42,067 - Oh, you haven't heard? I'm off that project now. 249 00:08:42,067 --> 00:08:43,267 I'm in LA. 250 00:08:43,267 --> 00:08:45,427 Yeah, Dave's all your problem now. 251 00:08:45,433 --> 00:08:46,433 - LA? 252 00:08:46,433 --> 00:08:47,873 - Yeah, it's the best. 253 00:08:47,867 --> 00:08:50,397 Why would anyone make a TV show in New York City? 254 00:08:50,400 --> 00:08:52,070 - Why do you get to quit? 255 00:08:52,067 --> 00:08:54,227 Aren't you afraid of being perceived as difficult? 256 00:08:54,233 --> 00:08:56,273 - Oh, Jim, people love me. 257 00:08:56,267 --> 00:08:57,597 I'm John Mulaney. 258 00:08:57,600 --> 00:08:59,670 I'm adorable. 259 00:08:59,667 --> 00:09:01,667 Jim, I'm gonna hang up now. 260 00:09:01,667 --> 00:09:03,967 - Who--who is writing the script? 261 00:09:03,967 --> 00:09:06,327 - Apparently Dave's writing the whole thing himself. 262 00:09:06,333 --> 00:09:07,673 Okay. Okay, bye. 263 00:09:07,667 --> 00:09:08,927 - Dave is? 264 00:09:10,500 --> 00:09:11,930 - [sighs] 265 00:09:11,933 --> 00:09:15,133 [man humming and beatboxing] 266 00:09:15,133 --> 00:09:23,073 267 00:09:24,833 --> 00:09:25,973 - Beat it. [snaps] 268 00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:28,700 - What do you want? 269 00:09:36,333 --> 00:09:37,333 - I'm sorry. 270 00:09:37,333 --> 00:09:38,533 Okay? 271 00:09:38,533 --> 00:09:40,173 I should have asked you to run this show 272 00:09:40,167 --> 00:09:41,527 in the first place. 273 00:09:41,533 --> 00:09:44,933 I just didn't realize it until I fired Mulaney. 274 00:09:44,933 --> 00:09:46,503 - I thought Mulaney quit. 275 00:09:46,500 --> 00:09:48,400 - Why do you think I fired him? 276 00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:49,470 Listen. 277 00:09:49,467 --> 00:09:50,667 I need help with the script. 278 00:09:50,667 --> 00:09:52,197 The table read is tomorrow. 279 00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:53,300 - Tomorrow? 280 00:09:53,300 --> 00:09:54,700 No one tells me anything. 281 00:09:54,700 --> 00:09:56,070 - I don't know what to do. 282 00:09:56,067 --> 00:09:57,727 "The Weatherman" thing isn't happening. 283 00:09:57,733 --> 00:10:00,003 You know, I'm no longer a private investigator. 284 00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:02,130 Ferrell just told me to come up with something new. 285 00:10:02,133 --> 00:10:03,933 You know, I don't know what that means. 286 00:10:03,933 --> 00:10:05,603 I'm supposed to have been writing this entire time. 287 00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:06,970 I got nothing. 288 00:10:06,967 --> 00:10:08,997 - Well, I can't write the script for you. 289 00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:10,830 Haven't you tortured me enough? 290 00:10:10,833 --> 00:10:14,403 I just bombed at an audition to play myself. 291 00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:15,430 - Audition? What are you-- 292 00:10:15,433 --> 00:10:16,473 We already cast that role. 293 00:10:16,467 --> 00:10:17,967 - With who? 294 00:10:17,967 --> 00:10:19,697 - Can you stop talking about yourself 295 00:10:19,700 --> 00:10:21,430 for just one minute, okay? Can't you see I'm in a crisis? 296 00:10:21,433 --> 00:10:23,403 I'm squandering the opportunity of a lifetime. 297 00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:25,830 Ferrell's convinced that this show's gonna be epic. 298 00:10:25,833 --> 00:10:29,003 Meanwhile, I'm just-- I'm scared. 299 00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:31,330 I'm scared. You gotta help me. 300 00:10:31,333 --> 00:10:33,273 - Well, the reason you're struggling is 'cause 301 00:10:33,267 --> 00:10:36,127 you're trying to make this show about other people's ideas. 302 00:10:36,133 --> 00:10:38,073 You got this opportunity from TV Land 303 00:10:38,067 --> 00:10:40,297 because they saw you at Carolines. 304 00:10:40,300 --> 00:10:41,600 You: 305 00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:44,500 an edgy stand-up comedian from Jersey City 306 00:10:44,500 --> 00:10:46,430 who lives with his mom. 307 00:10:46,433 --> 00:10:48,133 You gotta write what you know. 308 00:10:48,133 --> 00:10:51,503 Tell your story. 309 00:10:51,500 --> 00:10:53,000 - My story. 310 00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:55,170 I don't know. You think I can do it? 311 00:10:55,167 --> 00:10:57,067 - I know you can do it. 312 00:10:57,067 --> 00:10:59,497 I mean, I'm pretty sure you can do it. 313 00:10:59,500 --> 00:11:00,730 - No, you're right. 314 00:11:00,733 --> 00:11:02,673 I can do it. 315 00:11:02,667 --> 00:11:06,497 You're-- you're a true friend. 316 00:11:06,500 --> 00:11:07,900 See you tomorrow? 317 00:11:07,900 --> 00:11:09,930 - I'll be there. 318 00:11:09,933 --> 00:11:10,873 - Okay. 319 00:11:12,233 --> 00:11:14,403 I gotta go back to treating you like [bleep] now. 320 00:11:14,400 --> 00:11:16,100 - I understand. 321 00:11:16,100 --> 00:11:18,070 - Good. 322 00:11:18,067 --> 00:11:19,067 [whistles sharply, snaps] 323 00:11:19,067 --> 00:11:22,427 [man humming and beatboxing] 324 00:11:22,433 --> 00:11:30,373 325 00:11:33,567 --> 00:11:35,897 [kids chattering indistinctly] 326 00:11:35,900 --> 00:11:37,170 - What's this? 327 00:11:37,167 --> 00:11:38,167 - Oh, Jim. 328 00:11:38,167 --> 00:11:39,367 - What? 329 00:11:39,367 --> 00:11:40,827 - My herb garden. 330 00:11:40,833 --> 00:11:42,503 It's gone. 331 00:11:42,500 --> 00:11:43,900 - What herb garden? 332 00:11:43,900 --> 00:11:46,900 - We got outbid on our dream apartment. 333 00:11:46,900 --> 00:11:50,570 - Oh, I'm sorry. 334 00:11:50,567 --> 00:11:51,567 [sighs] 335 00:11:51,567 --> 00:11:52,697 [mouths word] 336 00:11:52,700 --> 00:11:55,070 [paper rustles] 337 00:12:03,467 --> 00:12:04,927 [clears throat] 338 00:12:13,533 --> 00:12:14,573 [chuckles] 339 00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:16,697 [space bar thudding] 340 00:12:16,700 --> 00:12:19,700 [keys clacking and triumphant music] 341 00:12:19,700 --> 00:12:21,130 [typewriter dinging] 342 00:12:21,133 --> 00:12:28,773 343 00:12:28,767 --> 00:12:30,097 I'm diabetic, Ma! 344 00:12:30,100 --> 00:12:31,430 - This is the end 345 00:12:31,433 --> 00:12:32,433 - [cooing indistinctly] 346 00:12:32,433 --> 00:12:33,573 Look at the size of that. 347 00:12:33,567 --> 00:12:34,767 - You made your choice 348 00:12:34,767 --> 00:12:36,067 And now my chance is over 349 00:12:36,067 --> 00:12:38,667 - Just born that way. 350 00:12:38,667 --> 00:12:39,797 - I thought I was in 351 00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:42,530 352 00:12:42,533 --> 00:12:43,733 - And you got me 353 00:12:43,733 --> 00:12:45,273 on my knees. 354 00:12:45,267 --> 00:12:46,527 - Nowhere 355 00:12:46,533 --> 00:12:47,533 [typewriter dings] 356 00:12:47,533 --> 00:12:49,703 - [laughs hysterically] 357 00:12:49,700 --> 00:12:51,200 - Darlin' 358 00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:53,070 I am down but I am far from over 359 00:12:53,067 --> 00:12:55,467 - [muttering indistinctly] 360 00:12:55,467 --> 00:12:56,667 361 00:12:56,667 --> 00:12:59,427 [muttering indistinctly] 362 00:12:59,433 --> 00:13:00,673 363 00:13:00,667 --> 00:13:02,427 - Give me somethin' 364 00:13:02,433 --> 00:13:04,203 - [laughs] 365 00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:07,300 - I need it all 'cause I am runnin' over 366 00:13:07,300 --> 00:13:08,300 - [slaps, sniffs] 367 00:13:08,300 --> 00:13:09,430 [typewriter dings] 368 00:13:09,433 --> 00:13:11,703 Mom, please, come on, the two of you! 369 00:13:11,700 --> 00:13:13,630 370 00:13:13,633 --> 00:13:15,873 [muttering indistinctly] 371 00:13:15,867 --> 00:13:18,867 [music crescendos dramatically] 372 00:13:18,867 --> 00:13:21,697 373 00:13:21,700 --> 00:13:22,830 [key clacks] 374 00:13:25,267 --> 00:13:28,467 [man humming and beatboxing] 375 00:13:28,467 --> 00:13:35,467 376 00:13:35,467 --> 00:13:36,527 - Hello! 377 00:13:36,533 --> 00:13:39,403 Hey, how's it going? 378 00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:40,770 Everyone good? 379 00:13:40,767 --> 00:13:42,067 Big day. 380 00:13:42,067 --> 00:13:44,227 Can someone make me a cappuccino? 381 00:13:44,233 --> 00:13:45,303 Two shots. 382 00:13:45,300 --> 00:13:46,370 [laughter] 383 00:13:46,367 --> 00:13:48,297 Hi, Carol. There's Carol. 384 00:13:48,300 --> 00:13:50,530 There's Trent from Marketing. 385 00:13:50,533 --> 00:13:51,533 Hi, Trent. 386 00:13:51,533 --> 00:13:53,333 Hi. There's Jim! 387 00:13:53,333 --> 00:13:54,703 Jim, can you-- 388 00:13:54,700 --> 00:13:56,670 - Uh, okay. 389 00:13:56,667 --> 00:13:58,867 - Hang on, everyone. 390 00:13:58,867 --> 00:14:00,667 [whispering] Hey, Jim. 391 00:14:00,667 --> 00:14:02,067 Where's the script? 392 00:14:02,067 --> 00:14:03,067 - [chuckles] 393 00:14:03,067 --> 00:14:04,467 You don't have the script? 394 00:14:04,467 --> 00:14:05,567 - I don't have it. 395 00:14:05,567 --> 00:14:06,927 No. - Uh... 396 00:14:06,933 --> 00:14:09,403 Uh, well, you know, I talked to Dave earlier. 397 00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:12,570 He was just doing some finishing touches, 398 00:14:12,567 --> 00:14:15,067 and the script will be here in moments. 399 00:14:15,067 --> 00:14:16,067 - Okay, well, I'm just-- 400 00:14:16,067 --> 00:14:17,897 I'm just gonna cover, okay? 401 00:14:17,900 --> 00:14:19,830 - I think everyone can hear us. 402 00:14:19,833 --> 00:14:21,803 - No, 'cause I'm whispering. 403 00:14:21,800 --> 00:14:23,300 - Uh, okay. 404 00:14:23,300 --> 00:14:24,730 - [regular voice] Welcome... 405 00:14:24,733 --> 00:14:26,203 everyone. 406 00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:28,770 TV Land! 407 00:14:28,767 --> 00:14:30,427 We are here, 408 00:14:30,433 --> 00:14:33,833 and we are waiting for a script. 409 00:14:33,833 --> 00:14:35,073 Uh... 410 00:14:35,067 --> 00:14:37,927 And that's the end of my speech. 411 00:14:37,933 --> 00:14:41,073 [applause] 412 00:14:41,067 --> 00:14:43,467 Thanks. Thanks for the... 413 00:14:43,467 --> 00:14:46,167 Now, at this point, I would like to introduce 414 00:14:46,167 --> 00:14:51,397 the cocreator of the show, Mr. Jim Gaffigan. 415 00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:53,670 And, uh, Jim, why don't you tell everyone 416 00:14:53,667 --> 00:14:55,967 how we ended up here today? 417 00:14:55,967 --> 00:14:57,667 Jim Gaffigan. 418 00:14:57,667 --> 00:14:59,667 [claps] 419 00:14:59,667 --> 00:15:01,467 - Uh, uh, okay. 420 00:15:01,467 --> 00:15:03,097 Uh...hi. 421 00:15:03,100 --> 00:15:06,400 I met Will when I was 422 00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:08,530 pitching him another idea for a show. 423 00:15:08,533 --> 00:15:13,373 It was about a weatherman who moves to New York. 424 00:15:13,367 --> 00:15:15,867 The guy's from Gary, Indiana, 425 00:15:15,867 --> 00:15:18,427 you know, where they make the bathroom smell. 426 00:15:18,433 --> 00:15:19,273 [laughter] 427 00:15:19,267 --> 00:15:20,967 The bath. - Yeah. 428 00:15:20,967 --> 00:15:22,397 - And everyone in New York 429 00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:25,070 is really condescending to the weatherman. 430 00:15:25,067 --> 00:15:26,597 They're like, "Oh, you from Indiana? 431 00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:27,600 "Well, welcome. 432 00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:29,070 Is electricity." 433 00:15:29,067 --> 00:15:30,597 [laughter] 434 00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:32,830 And what's great about this weatherman is that-- 435 00:15:32,833 --> 00:15:33,873 - Hey. Hey! I'm here. 436 00:15:33,867 --> 00:15:35,497 - And here he is now. 437 00:15:35,500 --> 00:15:37,130 Hi, Dave! 438 00:15:37,133 --> 00:15:40,173 [applause] The epic voice of a generation. 439 00:15:40,167 --> 00:15:41,927 [applause continues] 440 00:15:41,933 --> 00:15:42,973 - Thank you, thank you. 441 00:15:42,967 --> 00:15:44,067 Hi, Will. 442 00:15:44,067 --> 00:15:46,067 I'm Dave Marks. 443 00:15:46,067 --> 00:15:48,227 I'm a writer, director, executive producer, 444 00:15:48,233 --> 00:15:50,703 creator, star of the "Dave Marks Show." 445 00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:53,400 Let's open our scripts. 446 00:15:53,400 --> 00:15:56,600 Exterior. Night. 447 00:15:56,600 --> 00:16:01,470 A crane shot swooshes down to dissolve 448 00:16:01,467 --> 00:16:05,327 to a hip downtown nightclub bistro, Cherche Midi. 449 00:16:05,333 --> 00:16:08,273 The door bangs open like a clap of thunder 450 00:16:08,267 --> 00:16:11,197 and a French over shot reveals a casually sexy 451 00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:13,970 strapping youngish man in a tight leather jacket. 452 00:16:13,967 --> 00:16:18,967 Every man wants to be him. 453 00:16:18,967 --> 00:16:22,367 Every woman wants to be with him. 454 00:16:22,367 --> 00:16:24,397 [triumphant music resumes] 455 00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:27,970 There was a hole, a hole in his heart 456 00:16:27,967 --> 00:16:30,967 that only a mother's love could fill. 457 00:16:30,967 --> 00:16:34,397 [triumphant music resumes] 458 00:16:34,400 --> 00:16:38,370 Dave's beautiful date looks at him hungrily. 459 00:16:38,367 --> 00:16:40,427 Doughy Waiter approaches. 460 00:16:41,900 --> 00:16:43,070 Doughy Waiter approaches. 461 00:16:43,067 --> 00:16:44,167 Jim! 462 00:16:46,500 --> 00:16:47,770 - Uh, uh, 463 00:16:47,767 --> 00:16:50,927 would you like still or sparkling, madam? 464 00:16:50,933 --> 00:16:53,873 [pen scratching] 465 00:16:53,867 --> 00:16:56,867 [triumphant music] 466 00:16:56,867 --> 00:17:00,197 467 00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:02,370 Dave's friend Jim enters the room. 468 00:17:02,367 --> 00:17:05,697 - Girl, I can't watch eight kids by myself. 469 00:17:05,700 --> 00:17:08,130 - Jim's hot but bitchy wife, Jeannie, follows him in. 470 00:17:08,133 --> 00:17:09,403 She wears a giant crucifix 471 00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:11,370 buried in her alabaster cleavage. 472 00:17:11,367 --> 00:17:13,367 Her sheer, almost transparent white blouse 473 00:17:13,367 --> 00:17:15,167 reveals totally natural zaftig breasts 474 00:17:15,167 --> 00:17:16,327 that could feed an army. 475 00:17:16,333 --> 00:17:18,773 - That Dave Marks is so sexy. 476 00:17:18,767 --> 00:17:22,797 - Jeannie and Dave Marks share a brief kiss. 477 00:17:22,800 --> 00:17:24,400 - That's not necessary. - Well, I thought it would-- 478 00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:25,800 - Save it for the day. 479 00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:27,170 - Wouldn't that help you a little or-- 480 00:17:28,933 --> 00:17:30,873 Begin... 481 00:17:30,867 --> 00:17:33,197 the animated sequence. 482 00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:36,070 [triumphant music resumes] 483 00:17:36,067 --> 00:17:37,327 - You might want to treat your woman 484 00:17:37,333 --> 00:17:39,273 with a little bit more respect. 485 00:17:39,267 --> 00:17:40,667 Oh, is that right? 486 00:17:40,667 --> 00:17:42,297 Is that what they do in heimy town? 487 00:17:42,300 --> 00:17:43,800 Heimy town? 488 00:17:43,800 --> 00:17:44,970 Come on! 489 00:17:44,967 --> 00:17:47,227 [grunting] 490 00:17:47,233 --> 00:17:49,073 [triumphant music] 491 00:17:49,067 --> 00:17:50,197 - Pshoo! 492 00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:51,370 493 00:17:51,367 --> 00:17:53,827 Jim, you give me the gun. 494 00:17:53,833 --> 00:17:55,873 It's okay, man. 495 00:17:55,867 --> 00:17:57,667 [gunshot sound effect] 496 00:17:57,667 --> 00:17:58,767 - Watch out! 497 00:17:58,767 --> 00:17:59,897 [gunshot sound effect] 498 00:17:59,900 --> 00:18:02,600 [machine gun fire] 499 00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:05,100 He's dead. Foshay, he's dead. 500 00:18:05,100 --> 00:18:07,530 - Save me, darlin' 501 00:18:07,533 --> 00:18:11,273 I am down but I am far from over 502 00:18:11,267 --> 00:18:13,327 503 00:18:13,333 --> 00:18:16,073 Give me somethin' 504 00:18:16,067 --> 00:18:20,097 I need it all 'cause I am runnin' over 505 00:18:20,100 --> 00:18:22,430 506 00:18:22,433 --> 00:18:24,903 Save me, darlin' 507 00:18:24,900 --> 00:18:29,200 I am down but I am far from over 508 00:18:29,200 --> 00:18:33,630 I'm runnin' over 509 00:18:33,633 --> 00:18:34,703 - Hey, look. 510 00:18:34,700 --> 00:18:36,730 I'm just a simple edgy comedian 511 00:18:36,733 --> 00:18:38,673 who lives in Jersey City with his mom. 512 00:18:38,667 --> 00:18:43,097 trying to make this little blue marble a better place. 513 00:18:43,100 --> 00:18:46,100 Dave and Jeannie kiss again. 514 00:18:46,100 --> 00:18:47,730 [both speak indistinctly] 515 00:18:47,733 --> 00:18:49,233 - Must... 516 00:18:49,233 --> 00:18:51,303 have more tongue. 517 00:18:51,300 --> 00:18:54,630 - Oh, there's plenty more tongue to go around... 518 00:18:54,633 --> 00:18:55,603 and around. 519 00:18:55,600 --> 00:18:58,730 [music crescendos dramatically] 520 00:18:58,733 --> 00:19:00,073 521 00:19:00,067 --> 00:19:01,067 And scene. 522 00:19:01,067 --> 00:19:02,927 [all groaning] 523 00:19:02,933 --> 00:19:04,203 - God. 524 00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:05,770 - [clapping] Excellent. 525 00:19:05,767 --> 00:19:08,327 - All right, that's the end of act one. 526 00:19:09,433 --> 00:19:13,173 Foshay, can you hand out act two? 527 00:19:13,167 --> 00:19:14,367 [all groaning] 528 00:19:14,367 --> 00:19:15,967 - Wait, act one is over already? 529 00:19:15,967 --> 00:19:17,367 [scoffs] 530 00:19:17,367 --> 00:19:18,627 - Mr. Ferrell, who are you talking to? 531 00:19:18,633 --> 00:19:20,173 Have you taken your medication today? 532 00:19:20,167 --> 00:19:21,697 - What medication? 533 00:19:21,700 --> 00:19:22,870 [chuckles] 534 00:19:22,867 --> 00:19:23,827 What are you doing? 535 00:19:23,833 --> 00:19:25,203 - Mr. Ferrell, it appears you 536 00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:27,070 haven't taken your medication in over a month. 537 00:19:27,067 --> 00:19:28,397 - You get away from me, okay? 538 00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:31,400 Or I'll report you to President Eisenhower. 539 00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:32,970 - Let's go, Mr. Ferrell. - Yes! 540 00:19:32,967 --> 00:19:34,197 Unhand me, you cad. 541 00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:36,870 I'm the mother of dragons! 542 00:19:36,867 --> 00:19:38,197 I'm a mother of dragons! 543 00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:41,330 [man humming and beatboxing] 544 00:19:47,467 --> 00:19:49,467 - It's too bad about Will, right? 545 00:19:49,467 --> 00:19:50,467 I hope he's okay. 546 00:19:50,467 --> 00:19:52,727 - Network pinheads, man. 547 00:19:52,733 --> 00:19:54,873 I mean, first they're all over me, right? 548 00:19:54,867 --> 00:19:56,867 I mean, they're kissing my ass, right? 549 00:19:56,867 --> 00:19:59,797 Now they won't even return my phone calls, man. 550 00:19:59,800 --> 00:20:02,530 I mean, they don't know how to deal with artists. 551 00:20:02,533 --> 00:20:04,203 - So pulled the plug, huh? 552 00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:05,670 - They cancelled the whole project, man. 553 00:20:05,667 --> 00:20:08,227 - I hope it wasn't my Doughy Waiter line. 554 00:20:08,233 --> 00:20:09,903 - I think it's better for my career 555 00:20:09,900 --> 00:20:11,670 to have a show that's cancelled. 556 00:20:11,667 --> 00:20:14,467 My fans are gonna worship me like I'm a martyr. 557 00:20:14,467 --> 00:20:16,027 I'm like Dave Chappelle. 558 00:20:16,033 --> 00:20:19,073 - Didn't Chappelle have a really successful show 559 00:20:19,067 --> 00:20:20,197 that he walked away from? 560 00:20:20,200 --> 00:20:21,530 - Exactly. You know? 561 00:20:21,533 --> 00:20:22,873 I don't care if they didn't like it. 562 00:20:22,867 --> 00:20:24,227 I told my story. 563 00:20:24,233 --> 00:20:25,273 All right? 564 00:20:25,267 --> 00:20:26,597 Thanks for the advice, buddy. 565 00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:28,770 - Hey, what are friends for? - [chuckles] 566 00:20:28,767 --> 00:20:31,467 Hey, so who's opening for you at Governor's next weekend? 567 00:20:31,467 --> 00:20:34,667 [man humming and beatboxing] 568 00:20:34,667 --> 00:20:37,197 569 00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:38,370 - Hmm? 570 00:20:41,433 --> 00:20:44,433 [man scatting] 571 00:20:44,433 --> 00:20:47,433 [man singing indistinctly] 572 00:20:47,433 --> 00:20:50,433 [mellow jazzy music] 573 00:20:50,433 --> 00:20:58,573 38204

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