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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:06,700 --> 00:00:08,000 [man beatboxing] 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:09,430 - I happened to hear that you're, uh, 3 00:00:09,433 --> 00:00:12,173 headlining at Carolines on Friday night, huh? 4 00:00:12,167 --> 00:00:13,727 - Yeah. - Mm-hmm. 5 00:00:13,733 --> 00:00:16,273 And you didn't think to ask me if I'd like to open? 6 00:00:16,267 --> 00:00:17,697 - Dave, you told me you'd rather 7 00:00:17,700 --> 00:00:20,000 eat a urinal cake than open for me. 8 00:00:20,000 --> 00:00:21,270 - That doesn't mean you can't ask! 9 00:00:21,267 --> 00:00:22,727 You know? I mean, this is how you treat me? 10 00:00:22,733 --> 00:00:24,603 Your writing partner? - Writing partner? 11 00:00:24,600 --> 00:00:26,030 - Yeah, your write--right, think about it. 12 00:00:26,033 --> 00:00:27,233 All you ever do it talk about food, right? 13 00:00:27,233 --> 00:00:29,003 What does this place do? They serve food. 14 00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:30,570 Boom. I'm your writing partner. 15 00:00:30,567 --> 00:00:32,467 Remember--remember, I helped you tag that pickle bit of yours? 16 00:00:32,467 --> 00:00:35,297 - You made a suggestion. - Yeah, which you took. 17 00:00:35,300 --> 00:00:37,230 I mean, I would think you would want me to open for you. 18 00:00:37,233 --> 00:00:38,573 - I'm sorry, I--I already 19 00:00:38,567 --> 00:00:40,127 offered it to Christian Finnegan. 20 00:00:40,133 --> 00:00:43,103 - Christian--oh, wow. 21 00:00:43,100 --> 00:00:44,930 I mean, you barely know that guy. 22 00:00:44,933 --> 00:00:46,773 Nah, it's good, it's good. It's good. 23 00:00:46,767 --> 00:00:48,497 'Cause it really helps put in perspective 24 00:00:48,500 --> 00:00:50,900 who my real friends are. Wow. 25 00:00:50,900 --> 00:00:53,170 - Dave, we've known him for 20 years. 26 00:00:53,167 --> 00:00:56,127 What's going on with you? 27 00:00:56,133 --> 00:00:58,473 - Things aren't going well right now, man. 28 00:00:58,467 --> 00:00:59,897 You know, I used to work Governor's 29 00:00:59,900 --> 00:01:01,470 four times a year, right? 30 00:01:01,467 --> 00:01:03,227 Now--now--now I can't even get that-- 31 00:01:03,233 --> 00:01:05,303 that jerkoff Trueson to return my phone calls. 32 00:01:05,300 --> 00:01:06,430 It's ridiculous! 33 00:01:06,433 --> 00:01:07,833 And I--I wasn't gonna get into it, 34 00:01:07,833 --> 00:01:09,803 but there's personal stuff as well, you know? 35 00:01:09,800 --> 00:01:13,200 I mean, my--my mom, she's getting up there, 36 00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:16,300 and...dude, I think she's starting to lose it. 37 00:01:16,300 --> 00:01:20,270 - Oh, I'm sorry. - She wants me to pay rent now. 38 00:01:20,267 --> 00:01:22,427 - You don't pay any rent? 39 00:01:22,433 --> 00:01:24,073 - No, I mean, I help out with groceries. 40 00:01:24,067 --> 00:01:25,297 I mean, not her groceries, but you know, 41 00:01:25,300 --> 00:01:26,930 if I want something special, I buy it. 42 00:01:26,933 --> 00:01:28,473 Unless she buys it. 43 00:01:28,467 --> 00:01:30,067 - Right. 44 00:01:30,067 --> 00:01:31,867 - I think I'm in trouble. 45 00:01:31,867 --> 00:01:34,467 I've been having, like... 46 00:01:34,467 --> 00:01:36,367 I've been having, like, 47 00:01:36,367 --> 00:01:38,367 some kind of crazy thoughts, man. 48 00:01:38,367 --> 00:01:41,467 - Whoa, whoa--what kind of crazy thoughts? 49 00:01:41,467 --> 00:01:43,797 - I've been thinking about getting a day job. 50 00:01:43,800 --> 00:01:46,770 - What are you-- come on, that's-- 51 00:01:46,767 --> 00:01:48,227 that's crazy. 52 00:01:48,233 --> 00:01:50,903 You--you can't think like that. 53 00:01:50,900 --> 00:01:54,170 I mean, hey, look at me. 54 00:01:54,167 --> 00:01:55,567 You're great. 55 00:01:55,567 --> 00:01:57,467 You--you've got fans. 56 00:01:57,467 --> 00:01:59,327 - Not great enough to open for you at Carolines. 57 00:01:59,333 --> 00:02:01,073 - [sighs] Look, Dave. 58 00:02:01,067 --> 00:02:04,497 I love you, but our styles are different. 59 00:02:04,500 --> 00:02:06,700 I--you know, I don't know if it's a good idea 60 00:02:06,700 --> 00:02:09,100 for me to follow someone who-- 61 00:02:09,100 --> 00:02:10,630 whose closing bit involves 62 00:02:10,633 --> 00:02:12,973 him holding a microphone to his crotch. 63 00:02:12,967 --> 00:02:14,397 - No, I--I altered that bit. 64 00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:15,870 I apparently blew out some sound system 65 00:02:15,867 --> 00:02:18,327 when I stuck the mic in a woman's beer glass. 66 00:02:18,333 --> 00:02:19,703 It was kind of a big-- 67 00:02:19,700 --> 00:02:21,970 - Why would you stick a microphone in a-- 68 00:02:21,967 --> 00:02:25,597 - Jim--Jim. - [sighing] 69 00:02:25,600 --> 00:02:27,070 - Be a friend. 70 00:02:27,067 --> 00:02:29,527 - I don't know if I can do that to Christian. 71 00:02:29,533 --> 00:02:31,933 - But you could do it to Jew. 72 00:02:31,933 --> 00:02:35,673 [man beatboxing] 73 00:02:35,667 --> 00:02:37,427 - Jim, would you like to say "Grace"? 74 00:02:37,433 --> 00:02:39,533 - Grace. All right. 75 00:02:39,533 --> 00:02:41,973 Name of the Father, Son, Holy Spirit, Amen. 76 00:02:41,967 --> 00:02:44,967 [man beatboxing] 77 00:02:44,967 --> 00:02:49,367 78 00:02:49,367 --> 00:02:52,567 [man humming and beatboxing] 79 00:02:52,567 --> 00:03:00,567 80 00:03:02,300 --> 00:03:04,170 - When is Dave not depressed? 81 00:03:04,167 --> 00:03:05,767 - No, he's really out of sorts. 82 00:03:05,767 --> 00:03:08,397 - Oh, is he jealous about the monthly gig at Carolines? 83 00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:09,800 He's such a baby. 84 00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:11,770 - I didn't even tell him it was a monthly show. 85 00:03:11,767 --> 00:03:15,067 - I'm just so excited for you to be in town more. 86 00:03:15,067 --> 00:03:17,267 - I'm just glad there's one weekend a month 87 00:03:17,267 --> 00:03:18,667 I don't have to get on a plane. 88 00:03:18,667 --> 00:03:20,667 - Oh, I'm gonna need some comps. 89 00:03:20,667 --> 00:03:22,327 I invited Sister Pauline to Carolines, 90 00:03:22,333 --> 00:03:23,703 and she's bringing three other nuns. 91 00:03:23,700 --> 00:03:25,400 They've done so much for the school. 92 00:03:25,400 --> 00:03:28,270 - Nuns at a comedy show. Sounds like a great idea. 93 00:03:28,267 --> 00:03:29,727 - Yeah, I'm also gonna need to give 94 00:03:29,733 --> 00:03:32,103 some comps to the Bowery Mission. 95 00:03:32,100 --> 00:03:34,770 - Jeannie, if we want Caroline to see 96 00:03:34,767 --> 00:03:37,497 that I can sell a monthly show, we can't give away 97 00:03:37,500 --> 00:03:39,800 all these free tickets to the first one. 98 00:03:39,800 --> 00:03:41,800 - You really want me to charge nuns for tickets? 99 00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:44,070 - Well, what else are they gonna do with their money? 100 00:03:44,067 --> 00:03:46,367 Buy beer and cigarettes? 101 00:03:46,367 --> 00:03:48,067 I mean, look, we live in New York City. 102 00:03:48,067 --> 00:03:51,367 Everyone's gonna ask for comps. We just have to set boundaries. 103 00:03:51,367 --> 00:03:53,327 You know, the nuns I get. 104 00:03:53,333 --> 00:03:55,103 But after that, no more free tickets. 105 00:03:55,100 --> 00:03:56,630 [knocking on door] - Hey. 106 00:03:56,633 --> 00:03:58,473 I'm on my way to SoulCycle. Wanted to stop by-- 107 00:03:58,467 --> 00:03:59,667 - Hi. - And say "Thank you" 108 00:03:59,667 --> 00:04:01,797 to Jim for the free tickets. 109 00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:04,530 - You offered Daniel comps? He doesn't even think I'm funny. 110 00:04:04,533 --> 00:04:06,803 - Oh, no. They're not for me. Uh, no. 111 00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:08,730 Trevor and I are going to "Hamilton" that night. 112 00:04:08,733 --> 00:04:10,433 His parents are in town from Arizona. 113 00:04:10,433 --> 00:04:13,073 They're scared of rap music. No, I'm going to SoulCycle. 114 00:04:13,067 --> 00:04:14,397 Half a glass. 115 00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:16,130 - How are things going with Mr. Perfect? 116 00:04:16,133 --> 00:04:17,673 - Well, Trevor says 117 00:04:17,667 --> 00:04:19,197 that I'm the best boyfriend he's ever had. 118 00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:21,330 - Who did he date before? Satan? 119 00:04:21,333 --> 00:04:22,903 [laughs] Da-zing-ga! 120 00:04:22,900 --> 00:04:25,870 - It's "Ba-zinga." - No, I say "Da-zing-ga." 121 00:04:25,867 --> 00:04:28,497 Sorry, Daniel. Can't do it. No free tickets this-- 122 00:04:28,500 --> 00:04:29,630 - Daniel, we'll give you the tickets. 123 00:04:29,633 --> 00:04:31,573 - Thank you, Jeannie. 124 00:04:31,567 --> 00:04:32,627 Who else is on your little show? 125 00:04:32,633 --> 00:04:33,903 Or is just gonna be you, 126 00:04:33,900 --> 00:04:35,530 onstage by yourself, eating for an hour. 127 00:04:35,533 --> 00:04:37,073 - Yeah, who is opening for you? 128 00:04:37,067 --> 00:04:40,397 - Well, I kind of promised it to Christian Finnegan, 129 00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:44,070 but I think maybe I should offer it to Dave. 130 00:04:44,067 --> 00:04:45,397 - No. - Dave Marks? 131 00:04:45,400 --> 00:04:47,570 - No, no, no, no, no. - No. No. 132 00:04:47,567 --> 00:04:49,427 - This is your first monthly gig. 133 00:04:49,433 --> 00:04:52,173 You just said it has to go well. No Dave Marks. 134 00:04:52,167 --> 00:04:55,497 - You're right, I guess I just feel sorry for Dave. 135 00:04:55,500 --> 00:04:57,170 By the way, that's a great suit. 136 00:04:57,167 --> 00:04:58,627 You almost look exactly like 137 00:04:58,633 --> 00:05:01,373 the love child of Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio. 138 00:05:01,367 --> 00:05:04,167 - Is that a new bra? - It's called a camisole. 139 00:05:04,167 --> 00:05:07,227 All right? And let's keep the eyes up here. 140 00:05:07,233 --> 00:05:09,403 - Hey, you want to go to SoulCycle with me--[laughing]. 141 00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:11,470 Sorry, I couldn't even say it with a straight face. 142 00:05:11,467 --> 00:05:13,327 I'll see you later. 143 00:05:13,333 --> 00:05:14,633 - He has such a crush on me. 144 00:05:14,633 --> 00:05:15,933 [man beatboxing] 145 00:05:15,933 --> 00:05:18,103 - No fighting, guys. It's a fun day. 146 00:05:18,100 --> 00:05:20,300 [phone ringing] 147 00:05:20,300 --> 00:05:22,700 - Stevie! What's up? 148 00:05:22,700 --> 00:05:26,070 That's great, you're going to Bonnaroo. 149 00:05:26,067 --> 00:05:28,367 Is that why you called? 150 00:05:28,367 --> 00:05:30,467 Carolines isn't selling? 151 00:05:30,467 --> 00:05:32,067 But-- 152 00:05:32,067 --> 00:05:34,867 Yeah, no, no, no. I'll do press. 153 00:05:34,867 --> 00:05:37,927 Well, is there any morning radio that's not in the morning? 154 00:05:37,933 --> 00:05:39,473 [baby crying] 155 00:05:39,467 --> 00:05:42,067 Yeah. No, I understand. 156 00:05:42,067 --> 00:05:44,397 Okay. Thanks. 157 00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:47,500 Looks like I'm doing Opie and Jim tomorrow morning. 158 00:05:47,500 --> 00:05:49,200 - Didn't you sleep through that last time? 159 00:05:49,200 --> 00:05:51,330 - Ah, they won't remember. 160 00:05:51,333 --> 00:05:55,233 - Well, well, well, if it isn't our good friend Jim Gaffigan. 161 00:05:55,233 --> 00:05:56,473 - Thanks for having me back. 162 00:05:56,467 --> 00:05:57,797 - Well, at least you made it this time. 163 00:05:57,800 --> 00:05:59,500 Jim, you remember, last time 164 00:05:59,500 --> 00:06:01,730 he was supposed to be here, he blew us off? 165 00:06:01,733 --> 00:06:03,133 - I do remember. What happened with that? 166 00:06:03,133 --> 00:06:05,773 - Well, you know, I, uh-- I slept in. 167 00:06:05,767 --> 00:06:07,167 - What do you mean, you slept in? 168 00:06:07,167 --> 00:06:08,367 - I slept in because 169 00:06:08,367 --> 00:06:09,867 I had a show the night before, 170 00:06:09,867 --> 00:06:12,527 and I had flown in from--yeah. - Oh! 171 00:06:12,533 --> 00:06:14,233 A stand-up comedy performance? 172 00:06:14,233 --> 00:06:16,203 What's that like? I mean, I have no idea. 173 00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:18,770 I'm just a stupid comedian that does comedy every night 174 00:06:18,767 --> 00:06:20,127 and still gets up at 5:00 a.m. for the radio show. 175 00:06:20,133 --> 00:06:21,373 - All right-- - Tell me, please. 176 00:06:21,367 --> 00:06:22,767 - Look, I'm sorry. 177 00:06:22,767 --> 00:06:24,097 I just--I didn't know you'd remember-- 178 00:06:24,100 --> 00:06:25,830 - Ah, we're just messing with you. 179 00:06:25,833 --> 00:06:28,233 Jim Gaffigan's at Carolines this Friday at 8:00 p.m. 180 00:06:28,233 --> 00:06:30,373 And I'm hearing it might be a monthly show, huh? 181 00:06:30,367 --> 00:06:31,827 - Well, I hope. We'll see. 182 00:06:31,833 --> 00:06:33,473 - I hope you don't sleep through it. 183 00:06:33,467 --> 00:06:35,367 - [laughs] - Uh--oh! 184 00:06:35,367 --> 00:06:37,797 Uh, line two. Who's on the line? 185 00:06:37,800 --> 00:06:40,830 - Hey, guys. Dave Marks. Davemarksthespot.net. 186 00:06:40,833 --> 00:06:42,073 - Hey, Dave! - What's up, Dave? 187 00:06:42,067 --> 00:06:43,527 - What's up, buddy boy? How are you? 188 00:06:43,533 --> 00:06:45,833 - Hey, Dave. - Hey, Jim. 189 00:06:45,833 --> 00:06:47,333 How you doing? What are you eating? 190 00:06:47,333 --> 00:06:50,333 - Um-- [all laughing] 191 00:06:50,333 --> 00:06:52,573 - What's he not eating? 192 00:06:52,567 --> 00:06:53,697 Hey, for anybody who's stupid 193 00:06:53,700 --> 00:06:55,230 who does not know who Dave Marks is, 194 00:06:55,233 --> 00:06:57,933 the most underrated stand-up comic working today by far. 195 00:06:57,933 --> 00:06:58,933 - Absolutely. - I agree. 196 00:06:58,933 --> 00:07:01,073 - And you guys are buddies? 197 00:07:01,067 --> 00:07:02,767 - Yeah. Yeah. - You're like the Odd Couple, 198 00:07:02,767 --> 00:07:04,727 but you hang out with each other. 199 00:07:04,733 --> 00:07:06,533 - Yeah, don't hold that against me though, huh? 200 00:07:06,533 --> 00:07:08,173 [all laughing] 201 00:07:08,167 --> 00:07:09,727 - Hey, uh, Dave, Gaffigan's gonna be 202 00:07:09,733 --> 00:07:11,273 at Carolines this Friday. 203 00:07:11,267 --> 00:07:12,867 You gonna open for him? - Wow, I'd buy that ticket. 204 00:07:12,867 --> 00:07:14,427 - Yeah, I don't know guys. 205 00:07:14,433 --> 00:07:15,903 You know, I'm pretty busy doing my own stuff. 206 00:07:15,900 --> 00:07:17,070 You know how it goes. 207 00:07:17,067 --> 00:07:18,727 - Jim, who do you got opening for you? 208 00:07:18,733 --> 00:07:20,073 - Well, you know, I mean, that's the thing. 209 00:07:20,067 --> 00:07:21,667 - You got to have Dave Marks open for you. 210 00:07:21,667 --> 00:07:23,327 - Yeah, come on, you gonna open for Gaffigan or what? 211 00:07:23,333 --> 00:07:25,803 - Uh, well, Jim didn't ask me to, so, you know. 212 00:07:25,800 --> 00:07:27,900 - What? Come on, Gaffigan. - Well--I mean-- 213 00:07:27,900 --> 00:07:29,300 - You got to have your buddy open for you. 214 00:07:29,300 --> 00:07:30,330 What's wrong with you? 215 00:07:30,333 --> 00:07:32,233 - Well...uh, all right, Dave, 216 00:07:32,233 --> 00:07:33,773 w-what do you say? 217 00:07:33,767 --> 00:07:35,467 - About what, Jim? 218 00:07:35,467 --> 00:07:37,167 - Uh, About Carolines? 219 00:07:37,167 --> 00:07:38,727 - What--what about it? 220 00:07:38,733 --> 00:07:42,373 - W...will you open for me at Carolines on Friday? 221 00:07:42,367 --> 00:07:43,967 - Oh, that's nice. I don't know, man. 222 00:07:43,967 --> 00:07:46,797 I'm pretty swamped. - Oh, damn. 223 00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:49,130 - Ooh, rejected. - Awkward. 224 00:07:49,133 --> 00:07:52,133 - I tried. I tried. - All right! 225 00:07:52,133 --> 00:07:54,373 All right, I'll do it. I'll move some things around. 226 00:07:54,367 --> 00:07:56,367 Okay? But you owe me. - Yes! 227 00:07:56,367 --> 00:07:58,967 Nice! Now we're talking! - You heard it here first. 228 00:07:58,967 --> 00:08:00,667 Dave Marks opening up for Jim Gaffigan 229 00:08:00,667 --> 00:08:02,897 at Carolines Comedy Club. 230 00:08:02,900 --> 00:08:04,470 This Friday night at 8:00 p.m. - Yeah. 231 00:08:04,467 --> 00:08:08,397 [man beatboxing] 232 00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:09,900 - Hey, Jim! 233 00:08:09,900 --> 00:08:11,730 - Uh, Christian. - What's up, man? 234 00:08:11,733 --> 00:08:13,103 - W-what are you doing here? 235 00:08:13,100 --> 00:08:16,500 - Oh, I'm doing the Opie and Jim show. 236 00:08:16,500 --> 00:08:18,570 - Oh. 237 00:08:18,567 --> 00:08:19,727 Hey, look, uh, I should-- 238 00:08:19,733 --> 00:08:21,833 - Listen, before you say anything. 239 00:08:21,833 --> 00:08:23,333 I just got to tell you, man. 240 00:08:23,333 --> 00:08:24,703 Working with you at Carolines 241 00:08:24,700 --> 00:08:26,530 is like a watershed moment in my career. 242 00:08:26,533 --> 00:08:29,303 My dad is actually coming down from Massachusetts. 243 00:08:29,300 --> 00:08:31,400 Assuming the nurses let him. - Oh. 244 00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:33,700 - So I just want to say, from the bottom of my heart, 245 00:08:33,700 --> 00:08:35,630 thank you. 246 00:08:35,633 --> 00:08:38,633 - Uh, you're welcome. 247 00:08:38,633 --> 00:08:45,173 248 00:08:48,267 --> 00:08:49,697 [upbeat music] 249 00:08:49,700 --> 00:08:51,100 - No seats left. Sorry. 250 00:08:51,100 --> 00:08:53,930 [all groaning] - Sold out, huh? 251 00:08:53,933 --> 00:08:55,933 - We would have been, but we're turning people away 252 00:08:55,933 --> 00:08:58,073 because of your last-minute request for 20 comps. 253 00:08:58,067 --> 00:08:59,567 - What? - 20 comps? 254 00:08:59,567 --> 00:09:02,697 - Yeah, Jim's road manager called them in this afternoon. 255 00:09:02,700 --> 00:09:04,230 - Road manager? 256 00:09:04,233 --> 00:09:08,403 Ron, I'm sorry. Let me deal with this. 257 00:09:08,400 --> 00:09:11,400 [frenetic drum solo] 258 00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:19,330 259 00:09:36,667 --> 00:09:38,227 [all talking at once] 260 00:09:38,233 --> 00:09:41,603 - There's, like, no service in here. 261 00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:43,600 - Who are you? - Me? 262 00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:46,270 The--I'm Jim Gaffigan. 263 00:09:46,267 --> 00:09:48,267 - Oh, hey, buddy. It's--It's okay. 264 00:09:48,267 --> 00:09:51,067 He's--he's on the bill with me. - Oh, you're right. 265 00:09:51,067 --> 00:09:53,367 He does look like Philip Seymour Hoffman. 266 00:09:53,367 --> 00:09:56,167 - Dave... - Oh, Jim, just, uh, 267 00:09:56,167 --> 00:09:57,967 if--excuse me, ladies, just--just for one second. 268 00:09:57,967 --> 00:09:59,267 - Come on, road manager. - Jim, Jim. 269 00:09:59,267 --> 00:10:00,797 You got to help me out, here. 270 00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:02,500 - Get them out of my dressing room. 271 00:10:02,500 --> 00:10:04,300 - J-just relax, okay? Okay? This is important, all right? 272 00:10:04,300 --> 00:10:06,900 You've heard of the Make-A-Wish Foundation, right? 273 00:10:06,900 --> 00:10:08,700 - Oh, my God. They have cancer? - No. 274 00:10:08,700 --> 00:10:10,470 I mean, not personally, but you know, 275 00:10:10,467 --> 00:10:12,727 each of them knows somebody who does--it's very sad. 276 00:10:12,733 --> 00:10:14,373 - Everyone knows someone who has cancer. 277 00:10:14,367 --> 00:10:16,227 - No, look. Look, look. You know--you know-- 278 00:10:16,233 --> 00:10:17,873 you know I've been in a slump, okay? 279 00:10:17,867 --> 00:10:20,097 And I really appreciate you letting me open for you, okay? 280 00:10:20,100 --> 00:10:22,370 But just--just--they think I'm co-headlining, 281 00:10:22,367 --> 00:10:26,227 so just please be a friend, okay? 282 00:10:26,233 --> 00:10:27,573 - Fine. 283 00:10:27,567 --> 00:10:30,267 But...I got to prepare, so-- 284 00:10:30,267 --> 00:10:31,627 - Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. - All right? 285 00:10:31,633 --> 00:10:33,273 Just a minute. - Yeah! 286 00:10:33,267 --> 00:10:34,527 Come on. 287 00:10:34,533 --> 00:10:36,233 [man beatboxing] 288 00:10:36,233 --> 00:10:37,403 One more. One more. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 289 00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:40,400 Just--just-- - Hey, Jim? We got-- 290 00:10:40,400 --> 00:10:43,030 - Oh, hey, honey. 291 00:10:43,033 --> 00:10:45,073 - Could I please talk to you outside for a second? 292 00:10:45,067 --> 00:10:46,897 - I guess some people don't knock. 293 00:10:46,900 --> 00:10:50,030 - Yeah. Rude. 294 00:10:51,567 --> 00:10:53,127 - Okay, girls, uh, what's it look like 295 00:10:53,133 --> 00:10:55,503 if, uh, we lose the tops? 296 00:10:55,500 --> 00:10:57,200 - What the hell was going on in there? 297 00:10:57,200 --> 00:11:01,070 - Those are Dave's friends from Make-A-Wish. 298 00:11:01,067 --> 00:11:02,827 - You--you believe that? 299 00:11:02,833 --> 00:11:04,273 What happened to Christian Finnegan? 300 00:11:04,267 --> 00:11:06,527 - There was some miscommunication, he'll be fine. 301 00:11:06,533 --> 00:11:08,173 - I can't believe you gave Dave 20 comps 302 00:11:08,167 --> 00:11:09,767 and you told me no more. 303 00:11:09,767 --> 00:11:12,227 - I didn't give Dave any. 304 00:11:12,233 --> 00:11:14,373 - Well, anyway, the show starts in five minutes. 305 00:11:14,367 --> 00:11:16,267 The club wants to release all the tickets 306 00:11:16,267 --> 00:11:18,367 'cause they're all no-shows-- this does not look good, Jim. 307 00:11:18,367 --> 00:11:20,097 - Of course they should release them! 308 00:11:20,100 --> 00:11:22,070 I--I'm--I'm gonna go tell Dave now, all right? 309 00:11:22,067 --> 00:11:24,097 - No, you know what? Tell him to go to hell. 310 00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:26,830 I'm gonna go check on the nuns. - All right. 311 00:11:26,833 --> 00:11:29,133 - Thanks! - Whoo! 312 00:11:29,133 --> 00:11:31,233 - Okay, ladies. Time to sit down. 313 00:11:31,233 --> 00:11:32,733 They're gonna release your seats. 314 00:11:32,733 --> 00:11:33,873 - No, no. - Oh, no, no. 315 00:11:33,867 --> 00:11:35,127 These--these are my backstage guests. 316 00:11:35,133 --> 00:11:36,373 The--the 20 up front are for 317 00:11:36,367 --> 00:11:38,127 the TV Land execs that I invited. 318 00:11:38,133 --> 00:11:39,673 - Who do you know at TV Land? 319 00:11:39,667 --> 00:11:41,497 - Well, I'm friendly a female executive 320 00:11:41,500 --> 00:11:43,230 if you know what I'm talking about. 321 00:11:43,233 --> 00:11:45,303 - So you invited 20 people from TV Land? 322 00:11:45,300 --> 00:11:47,770 Are there even 20 people at TV Land? 323 00:11:47,767 --> 00:11:49,527 - Hey, listen, man: a real TV network 324 00:11:49,533 --> 00:11:51,373 is gonna come and watch you do stand-up, all right? 325 00:11:51,367 --> 00:11:52,797 I said I'd hook you up. I hooked you up! 326 00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:54,200 - Thank you, but you know what? 327 00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:55,930 It doesn't look like they're coming. 328 00:11:55,933 --> 00:11:57,303 - Oh, they're coming. - That's right. 329 00:11:57,300 --> 00:11:59,230 - All right, you know what? Fine. 330 00:11:59,233 --> 00:12:02,503 Can I just please sit down in my dressing room? 331 00:12:02,500 --> 00:12:03,900 - Of course you can! 332 00:12:03,900 --> 00:12:05,400 There's a stack of chairs around the corner. 333 00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:06,400 Just grab any one. 334 00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:08,800 [chatter] 335 00:12:08,800 --> 00:12:10,130 Okay, let's do one more, 336 00:12:10,133 --> 00:12:11,373 'cause I got to do stand-up! 337 00:12:11,367 --> 00:12:13,127 [all shouting] 338 00:12:13,133 --> 00:12:16,333 [frenetic drum solo] 339 00:12:16,333 --> 00:12:24,633 340 00:12:24,633 --> 00:12:26,233 - Ah. Caroline. 341 00:12:26,233 --> 00:12:27,803 Thanks for having me back at the club. 342 00:12:27,800 --> 00:12:31,270 - Do you know there's 20 empty seats in front of the stage? 343 00:12:31,267 --> 00:12:34,767 - Yeah, uh, sorry about that. I didn't know about-- 344 00:12:34,767 --> 00:12:38,727 That's Dave Marks, my opener. 345 00:12:38,733 --> 00:12:40,303 - You brought Dave Marks? 346 00:12:40,300 --> 00:12:42,330 Don't you know Dave Marks is banned from Carolines? 347 00:12:42,333 --> 00:12:44,533 He shorted out our sound system. 348 00:12:44,533 --> 00:12:46,773 - That was here? 349 00:12:46,767 --> 00:12:48,267 - Welcome to Carolines-- - Ron! 350 00:12:48,267 --> 00:12:49,467 - On Broadway! - [whistling] 351 00:12:49,467 --> 00:12:50,297 See you on the ice. 352 00:12:50,300 --> 00:12:51,330 - Turn off those phones 353 00:12:51,333 --> 00:12:53,373 and get ready for a great show! 354 00:12:53,367 --> 00:12:55,867 355 00:12:55,867 --> 00:12:58,167 [cheers and applause] 356 00:13:01,767 --> 00:13:03,297 - Please welcome the opening act for Jim Gaffigan, 357 00:13:03,300 --> 00:13:05,230 Dave Marks! 358 00:13:05,233 --> 00:13:07,833 [cheers and applause] 359 00:13:07,833 --> 00:13:09,403 - Thank you. 360 00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:11,170 Thank you, thank you. 361 00:13:11,167 --> 00:13:14,527 Wow. Opening for Jim Gaffigan. 362 00:13:14,533 --> 00:13:16,403 [laughing] 363 00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:18,200 It's a little bit like, uh, 364 00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:20,630 the Stones opening for, I don't know, 365 00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:21,633 like Milli Vanilli? 366 00:13:21,633 --> 00:13:23,573 [laughter] 367 00:13:23,567 --> 00:13:25,067 No, no, it's funny, it's funny, 368 00:13:25,067 --> 00:13:26,597 it's funny what he does, you know? 369 00:13:26,600 --> 00:13:28,400 I don't know if you've ever seen his set list. 370 00:13:28,400 --> 00:13:30,830 It's a menu and no birth control. 371 00:13:30,833 --> 00:13:32,533 [laughter] 372 00:13:32,533 --> 00:13:34,703 But what do you care, right? I mean, you're at Carolines. 373 00:13:34,700 --> 00:13:38,300 Right? Carolines! Oh! That's great! 374 00:13:38,300 --> 00:13:42,270 "Oh, honey, we went to Broadway! We went to Carolines!" 375 00:13:42,267 --> 00:13:44,167 Right? You probably just ate at the Olive Garden. 376 00:13:44,167 --> 00:13:46,467 Am I right? Come on, show of hands. 377 00:13:46,467 --> 00:13:48,667 Who ate at the Olive Garden? Yes! 378 00:13:48,667 --> 00:13:50,067 Right here. We have one. 379 00:13:50,067 --> 00:13:52,467 Oh, you definitely-- you ate the Olive Garden. 380 00:13:52,467 --> 00:13:54,427 He's nodding "Yeah. Yeah." 381 00:13:54,433 --> 00:13:57,633 What's the matter? They run out of breadsticks? 382 00:13:57,633 --> 00:13:59,633 Look at this. Look at all these empty seats. 383 00:13:59,633 --> 00:14:01,433 You see this? These were all supposed to be 384 00:14:01,433 --> 00:14:03,703 TV Land executives. 385 00:14:03,700 --> 00:14:05,770 I guess they're busy-- they got caught up in a meeting 386 00:14:05,767 --> 00:14:08,467 trying to figure out how to get even less people 387 00:14:08,467 --> 00:14:10,297 to watch their network. 388 00:14:10,300 --> 00:14:11,570 [laughter] 389 00:14:11,567 --> 00:14:12,727 Right? 390 00:14:12,733 --> 00:14:14,073 I go through the trouble of, like, 391 00:14:14,067 --> 00:14:15,597 sleeping with this skank, 392 00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:17,800 and they don't even show up! 393 00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:19,600 [laughter] 394 00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:21,970 Oh, this one is sad. This one is sad. 395 00:14:21,967 --> 00:14:25,727 Did I offend you? Is it that time of the month? 396 00:14:25,733 --> 00:14:26,933 [laughter] 397 00:14:26,933 --> 00:14:31,403 "I just want my Midol!" 398 00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:33,330 Hey, look at this! Look at this! Look what we got here! 399 00:14:33,333 --> 00:14:35,073 It's TV Land, everybody! 400 00:14:35,067 --> 00:14:39,227 Oh, wow, thank you for gracing us with your presence. 401 00:14:39,233 --> 00:14:40,833 Thank you. Come on. Sit your asses down. 402 00:14:40,833 --> 00:14:42,333 Let's go. What are you waiting for? 403 00:14:42,333 --> 00:14:45,603 The Golden Girls to rise from the dead? 404 00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:47,630 Anyway, yeah, so I live in Jersey City, 405 00:14:47,633 --> 00:14:51,373 which I know sounds sexy, right? Huh? 406 00:14:51,367 --> 00:14:53,067 But not as sexy as the fact 407 00:14:53,067 --> 00:14:56,727 that I live with my mother. 408 00:14:56,733 --> 00:14:58,803 You should--you should hear me try my pick up line. 409 00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:00,230 You know, it's like, uh, 410 00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:03,203 "Hey baby, uh, you want to come back to my place? 411 00:15:03,200 --> 00:15:07,330 It's an our on the PATH train for a nightcap and an enema." 412 00:15:07,333 --> 00:15:10,733 [laughter] 413 00:15:10,733 --> 00:15:13,703 So yeah, in eighth grade, my mother says to me, 414 00:15:13,700 --> 00:15:17,070 "So, I want to show you how to put on the condom. 415 00:15:17,067 --> 00:15:18,897 A con-dom!" 416 00:15:18,900 --> 00:15:21,470 So I'm, uh, you know, I'm taking a leak. 417 00:15:21,467 --> 00:15:23,397 For--for the nuns, I'm peeing. 418 00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:25,570 For the nuns, I'm peeing. 419 00:15:25,567 --> 00:15:28,267 So, I don't know if you heard about this, 420 00:15:28,267 --> 00:15:32,667 ladies, but there's something called "Vagina steaming"? 421 00:15:32,667 --> 00:15:34,727 [laughter] 422 00:15:34,733 --> 00:15:37,503 Are you familiar with vagina steaming? 423 00:15:37,500 --> 00:15:39,800 Jim is a good guy--um, so a lot of people ask, 424 00:15:39,800 --> 00:15:42,270 "Jim, you know, is he really that much of a pig?" 425 00:15:42,267 --> 00:15:45,397 And yeah. Yeah, he is. 426 00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:46,970 - We gave him the light 20 minutes ago. 427 00:15:46,967 --> 00:15:48,127 - Yeah. - Uh, 428 00:15:48,133 --> 00:15:50,303 so my penis has superpowers. 429 00:15:50,300 --> 00:15:51,900 That's right. 430 00:15:51,900 --> 00:15:53,630 Betsy knows that. 431 00:15:53,633 --> 00:15:56,833 It actually acts as a homing device. 432 00:15:56,833 --> 00:15:59,833 [beeping] 433 00:15:59,833 --> 00:16:03,103 [faster beeping] 434 00:16:03,100 --> 00:16:05,330 [slower beeping] 435 00:16:05,333 --> 00:16:08,703 [humming] 436 00:16:08,700 --> 00:16:10,200 [laughter] 437 00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:12,970 I'm not gonna show you how I used to end that bit. 438 00:16:12,967 --> 00:16:15,427 But suffice it to say, if any of you 439 00:16:15,433 --> 00:16:18,573 lovely ladies would like to join me backstage, 440 00:16:18,567 --> 00:16:20,197 I'll give you a-- 441 00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:22,700 a private performance. 442 00:16:22,700 --> 00:16:24,970 That means you, Caroline! 443 00:16:24,967 --> 00:16:26,627 Still lookin' good! 444 00:16:26,633 --> 00:16:29,473 All righty, looks like I've gone a little bit over tonight. 445 00:16:29,467 --> 00:16:31,227 I just want to say thank you and, uh, 446 00:16:31,233 --> 00:16:33,703 introduce your "Headliner." 447 00:16:33,700 --> 00:16:35,230 [applause] 448 00:16:35,233 --> 00:16:37,233 All right, I'm Dave Marks. 449 00:16:37,233 --> 00:16:39,273 [feedback] 450 00:16:39,267 --> 00:16:42,197 [frenetic drum solo] 451 00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:43,870 [cheers and applause] 452 00:16:43,867 --> 00:16:47,327 - Thank you. Thank you very much. 453 00:16:47,333 --> 00:16:50,473 That was, uh, Dave Marks. 454 00:16:50,467 --> 00:16:53,567 Um, looks like you guys got to-- 455 00:16:53,567 --> 00:16:56,697 oh, uh, this is, uh, somebody's purse. 456 00:16:56,700 --> 00:16:59,200 Is this somebody's-- there you go. 457 00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:01,270 Sorry, ma'am. 458 00:17:01,267 --> 00:17:04,297 Well, anyway. 459 00:17:04,300 --> 00:17:05,870 Uh... 460 00:17:05,867 --> 00:17:08,927 Uh, are you Christian's dad? 461 00:17:08,933 --> 00:17:09,873 [man beatboxing] 462 00:17:12,733 --> 00:17:14,103 - I didn't even know those girls 463 00:17:14,100 --> 00:17:15,100 in the dressing room. 464 00:17:15,100 --> 00:17:16,100 Why would I have to pay 465 00:17:16,100 --> 00:17:17,630 to clean up their vomit? 466 00:17:17,633 --> 00:17:20,503 They cancelled all my shows? 467 00:17:20,500 --> 00:17:23,930 Okay. All right. Bye. 468 00:17:23,933 --> 00:17:25,573 - Hate to say "I told you so." 469 00:17:25,567 --> 00:17:28,127 - No, you love to say "I told you so." 470 00:17:28,133 --> 00:17:30,603 You know, I was doing something 471 00:17:30,600 --> 00:17:33,070 nice for a friend who was in a rut. 472 00:17:33,067 --> 00:17:34,467 What would Jesus do? 473 00:17:34,467 --> 00:17:37,227 - Certainly wouldn't have Dave Marks open for him. 474 00:17:37,233 --> 00:17:39,133 - Dave actually did very well. 475 00:17:39,133 --> 00:17:40,973 - Jim, he ruined the room. 476 00:17:40,967 --> 00:17:43,627 No one wanted to hear about you throwing out avocados 477 00:17:43,633 --> 00:17:46,433 after Dave's diatribe about vagina steaming. 478 00:17:46,433 --> 00:17:49,503 It was a disaster. [knocking on door] 479 00:17:49,500 --> 00:17:52,070 - Jeannie, thank you so much for the tickets 480 00:17:52,067 --> 00:17:54,067 for Trevor's parents-- they loved the show. 481 00:17:54,067 --> 00:17:57,527 Apparently, Dave made fun of Trevor's dad 482 00:17:57,533 --> 00:17:59,673 for the way he eats breadsticks! 483 00:17:59,667 --> 00:18:01,567 It was a great idea to have Dave Marks open for you. 484 00:18:01,567 --> 00:18:03,197 - See? They enjoyed the show. 485 00:18:03,200 --> 00:18:05,400 - They did say that the dumb, pasty bald guy 486 00:18:05,400 --> 00:18:07,970 went on a little bit too long. 487 00:18:07,967 --> 00:18:10,297 - Told you so! 488 00:18:10,300 --> 00:18:11,830 - All right, fine. 489 00:18:11,833 --> 00:18:14,073 I'm gonna tell Dave he can never open for me again, 490 00:18:14,067 --> 00:18:16,427 and I'm gonna get him to pay to clean up the vomit. 491 00:18:16,433 --> 00:18:18,073 - Oh, if you're gonna see Dave? 492 00:18:18,067 --> 00:18:20,067 Can you get his autograph for Trevor's dad? 493 00:18:20,067 --> 00:18:21,597 - You're enjoying this, aren't you? 494 00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:22,600 - Immensely. 495 00:18:22,600 --> 00:18:24,230 [kids shouting] 496 00:18:24,233 --> 00:18:27,673 [man beatboxing] 497 00:18:27,667 --> 00:18:29,697 - Look, about Carolines, I mean, 498 00:18:29,700 --> 00:18:31,300 w-we should discuss-- - Later. 499 00:18:31,300 --> 00:18:32,400 Listen, listen, listen. 500 00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:34,170 I can't open for you anymore. 501 00:18:34,167 --> 00:18:35,927 - Really? - No. 502 00:18:35,933 --> 00:18:38,073 - Oh. - Yeah, I'm too busy. 503 00:18:38,067 --> 00:18:40,067 TV Land offered me a development deal. 504 00:18:40,067 --> 00:18:42,327 - Doesn't TV Land just do reruns? 505 00:18:42,333 --> 00:18:43,733 - No, man. Not anymore, man. 506 00:18:43,733 --> 00:18:46,073 Now they're the TV Land of opportunity, okay? 507 00:18:46,067 --> 00:18:49,067 They're giving me 50 grand to write a show about myself. 508 00:18:49,067 --> 00:18:51,567 - An autobiographical show about a comedian? 509 00:18:51,567 --> 00:18:52,727 - Right. - Wow. 510 00:18:52,733 --> 00:18:54,203 That's never been done before. 511 00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:56,870 - Anyway, $50,000 just to write the script, right? 512 00:18:56,867 --> 00:18:58,127 And if it goes to series, which it will, 513 00:18:58,133 --> 00:18:59,503 then there's gonna be a lot more money. 514 00:18:59,500 --> 00:19:01,600 And, dude, it shoots in New York City. 515 00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:03,800 Shoots in New York! 516 00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:05,300 Right? - You know what? 517 00:19:05,300 --> 00:19:07,130 That's--that's amazing. - It is amazing, right? 518 00:19:07,133 --> 00:19:08,733 - Congratulations. - Thank you, man. Thank you. 519 00:19:08,733 --> 00:19:10,703 Thank you. But you know what? 520 00:19:10,700 --> 00:19:12,900 I need some help. I need a co-writer, you know? 521 00:19:12,900 --> 00:19:14,770 Someone who really knows me, another comedian 522 00:19:14,767 --> 00:19:16,327 who really gets my style, 523 00:19:16,333 --> 00:19:17,833 knows the New York comedy scene, 524 00:19:17,833 --> 00:19:19,373 you know, really help me develop the thing, you know? 525 00:19:19,367 --> 00:19:22,067 I didn't get here by myself, so the least I can do is-- 526 00:19:22,067 --> 00:19:24,297 is hook up a good friend of mine, right? 527 00:19:24,300 --> 00:19:27,270 - [gasps] Wow. Yeah, I mean... 528 00:19:27,267 --> 00:19:30,067 I--I don't know what to say, Dave, that's-- 529 00:19:30,067 --> 00:19:33,367 - Say "Congratulations, John Mulaney." 530 00:19:33,367 --> 00:19:35,427 [clicks] 531 00:19:35,433 --> 00:19:37,073 - Mul--Mulaney? 532 00:19:37,067 --> 00:19:38,197 - Good, right? 533 00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:40,130 - But--but you just described me. 534 00:19:40,133 --> 00:19:43,073 You--you said I was your writing partner. 535 00:19:43,067 --> 00:19:44,567 - Oh, well, you-- - Yeah! 536 00:19:44,567 --> 00:19:45,827 - No, no-- - Remember the pickle-- 537 00:19:45,833 --> 00:19:47,173 - Yeah, yeah. - Thing? 538 00:19:47,167 --> 00:19:49,067 - No, but Jim, you know, I need a writer-writer. 539 00:19:49,067 --> 00:19:50,797 You know, like a-- like a Larry David-type. 540 00:19:50,800 --> 00:19:52,370 You understand. - I am a writer, Dave. 541 00:19:52,367 --> 00:19:53,827 - No, J--[laughing]. 542 00:19:53,833 --> 00:19:57,433 Jim, Mulaney, he's written like six season on "SNL." 543 00:19:57,433 --> 00:19:58,873 He developed his own network TV show. 544 00:19:58,867 --> 00:20:00,667 You wrote a book about food 545 00:20:00,667 --> 00:20:01,967 that people read on the toilet. 546 00:20:01,967 --> 00:20:03,867 I mean--which is--there's-- 547 00:20:03,867 --> 00:20:04,927 I mean, no shame in that whatsoever. 548 00:20:04,933 --> 00:20:06,403 Hey, listen, I hate to do this. 549 00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:09,430 I actually have to run out to meet Mulaney for a meeting. 550 00:20:09,433 --> 00:20:11,603 Can you do me a favor and-- and--I haven't been paid yet-- 551 00:20:11,600 --> 00:20:13,330 and just get the tab? Just--just this once? 552 00:20:13,333 --> 00:20:15,003 You know? - Just this-- 553 00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:17,100 - I really appreciate it. - You've never paid for lunch! 554 00:20:17,100 --> 00:20:18,100 - I appreciate it. 555 00:20:18,100 --> 00:20:21,530 - You're paying for that vomit! 556 00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:25,230 Christian. 557 00:20:25,233 --> 00:20:27,433 Uh, let me explain. 558 00:20:27,433 --> 00:20:28,773 No, c-come... 559 00:20:28,767 --> 00:20:31,397 Uh, uh--it--it wasn't my fault! 560 00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:33,070 I... 561 00:20:36,633 --> 00:20:39,633 [man scatting] 562 00:20:39,633 --> 00:20:42,633 [man singing indistinctly] 563 00:20:42,633 --> 00:20:45,633 [mellow jazzy music] 564 00:20:45,633 --> 00:20:53,773 41159

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