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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:07,033 --> 00:00:08,403 [man beatboxing] 2 00:00:08,400 --> 00:00:09,870 - Pabst Theater? - Yeah. 3 00:00:09,867 --> 00:00:11,067 - That's in Milwaukee. 4 00:00:11,067 --> 00:00:12,297 - What's that supposed to mean? 5 00:00:12,300 --> 00:00:14,530 - Theater shows aren't real stand-up. 6 00:00:14,533 --> 00:00:15,833 - Why not? 7 00:00:15,833 --> 00:00:17,433 - Why is that? There's no challenge, you know? 8 00:00:17,433 --> 00:00:18,973 I like to get in the ring a little bit, you know? 9 00:00:18,967 --> 00:00:20,167 Mix it up with the audience. 10 00:00:20,167 --> 00:00:21,227 Theater's where you go to see, like, 11 00:00:21,233 --> 00:00:22,703 your kids do ballet or whatever. 12 00:00:22,700 --> 00:00:25,300 - So since the audience is comfortably sitting, 13 00:00:25,300 --> 00:00:26,530 facing the comedian, 14 00:00:26,533 --> 00:00:28,403 it doesn't count as stand-up? 15 00:00:28,400 --> 00:00:30,900 - Not in my book, no, but enjoy your recital. 16 00:00:30,900 --> 00:00:32,770 - You're insane. 17 00:00:32,767 --> 00:00:34,667 - The whole world's turned upside down. 18 00:00:34,667 --> 00:00:35,927 You're doing theaters. 19 00:00:35,933 --> 00:00:38,103 I'm number 98 on the list of best comedians. 20 00:00:38,100 --> 00:00:39,830 Unbelievable. - What list? 21 00:00:39,833 --> 00:00:42,203 - Squidsizer.com. 22 00:00:42,200 --> 00:00:43,570 - You're upset about a list 23 00:00:43,567 --> 00:00:45,467 on a website called Squidsizer? 24 00:00:45,467 --> 00:00:46,667 - Hey, dude, that's a real comedy blog. 25 00:00:46,667 --> 00:00:48,327 They did a profile on me last month, 26 00:00:48,333 --> 00:00:49,803 which you probably missed, 'cause you were too busy 27 00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:52,600 playing the O'Doul's Civic Center in Scranton. 28 00:00:52,600 --> 00:00:55,400 - Ooh, a profile on Squidsizer. 29 00:00:55,400 --> 00:00:57,070 Who's your publicist, SpongeBob? 30 00:00:57,067 --> 00:00:58,697 - It's 2016, man. 31 00:00:58,700 --> 00:01:01,330 These lists garner real buzz, you know? 32 00:01:01,333 --> 00:01:02,973 I mean, it takes one blog, and that's-- 33 00:01:02,967 --> 00:01:04,297 [whistles] That's it. 34 00:01:04,300 --> 00:01:06,470 - It's a stupid list on a dumb website. 35 00:01:06,467 --> 00:01:08,067 It doesn't matter. - It does matter. 36 00:01:08,067 --> 00:01:09,127 It matters to my mother. 37 00:01:09,133 --> 00:01:12,133 [man humming and beatboxing] 38 00:01:12,133 --> 00:01:15,073 39 00:01:15,067 --> 00:01:17,297 - Would you stop with the Go-Gurts? 40 00:01:17,300 --> 00:01:19,970 - I'm sorry me seeking nourishment annoys you. 41 00:01:19,967 --> 00:01:21,727 - You've had, like, five. 42 00:01:21,733 --> 00:01:22,733 - That's not true. 43 00:01:22,733 --> 00:01:25,273 I've had seven, 44 00:01:25,267 --> 00:01:27,067 but they're, like, half a serving. 45 00:01:27,067 --> 00:01:28,397 - They're for the kids, Jim. 46 00:01:28,400 --> 00:01:30,170 - Adults don't eat yogurt? 47 00:01:30,167 --> 00:01:31,327 - Out of a tube? 48 00:01:31,333 --> 00:01:32,973 They're for the park. 49 00:01:32,967 --> 00:01:34,227 - Oh, you're right. 50 00:01:34,233 --> 00:01:37,173 "Only to be consumed by children in a park. 51 00:01:37,167 --> 00:01:39,067 Report offenders." 52 00:01:39,067 --> 00:01:41,067 [chuckling] 53 00:01:41,067 --> 00:01:43,127 Nothing? C'mon, that was kind of funny. 54 00:01:43,133 --> 00:01:46,233 - I'm pissed about this Squidsizer article. 55 00:01:46,233 --> 00:01:48,603 Top 100 comedians and you're not on it? 56 00:01:48,600 --> 00:01:49,630 That ludicrous. 57 00:01:49,633 --> 00:01:52,633 - Since when do you read comedy blogs? 58 00:01:52,633 --> 00:01:55,833 - Since Saudi Arabia made it legal for women to read. 59 00:01:55,833 --> 00:01:57,473 I do a lot of things, Jim. 60 00:01:57,467 --> 00:01:59,697 - Wait a minute. I'm not on the list anywhere? 61 00:01:59,700 --> 00:02:00,700 - Nowhere. 62 00:02:00,700 --> 00:02:02,170 - [scoffs] Lists are stupid. 63 00:02:02,167 --> 00:02:03,367 Why would you care? 64 00:02:03,367 --> 00:02:05,727 - Because you should be on the list. 65 00:02:05,733 --> 00:02:08,173 - I know I should, but do you know how many comedians 66 00:02:08,167 --> 00:02:09,327 there are in the world? 67 00:02:09,333 --> 00:02:10,803 - No, not in the world, Jim. 68 00:02:10,800 --> 00:02:12,070 New York City. 69 00:02:12,067 --> 00:02:14,067 "Top 100 Comedians in New York City." 70 00:02:14,067 --> 00:02:15,467 No Jim Gaffigan. 71 00:02:15,467 --> 00:02:16,697 It's just-- it's bull--it's-- 72 00:02:16,700 --> 00:02:18,100 [whispering] It's bull crap. 73 00:02:18,100 --> 00:02:20,070 - This is just a stupid list on a website 74 00:02:20,067 --> 00:02:21,527 no one's ever heard of. 75 00:02:21,533 --> 00:02:23,073 They probably forgot me, 76 00:02:23,067 --> 00:02:24,427 or they did the list in an hour 77 00:02:24,433 --> 00:02:26,333 and just took names from some other list. 78 00:02:26,333 --> 00:02:28,403 - Well, then, you should be on the other list. 79 00:02:28,400 --> 00:02:31,500 - Jeannie, this list isn't real. Trust me. 80 00:02:31,500 --> 00:02:34,270 Comedians, we don't care about stuff like this. 81 00:02:35,367 --> 00:02:37,667 - Oh, there he is. Number 14. 82 00:02:37,667 --> 00:02:39,327 - Those lists are stupid. You know that. 83 00:02:39,333 --> 00:02:41,703 - Course you'd say that. - Oh, what number am I? 84 00:02:41,700 --> 00:02:42,830 - 47. 85 00:02:42,833 --> 00:02:45,433 - I rated higher on the no-fly list. 86 00:02:45,433 --> 00:02:46,533 - I think I saw you on Angie's List. 87 00:02:46,533 --> 00:02:47,533 - Really, "Schindler's List"? 88 00:02:47,533 --> 00:02:48,773 - Yeah, you're--aww. 89 00:02:48,767 --> 00:02:50,067 - All bad jokes aside, it is weird 90 00:02:50,067 --> 00:02:51,827 that I wasn't in the top ten. 91 00:02:51,833 --> 00:02:54,173 - It's weird that you're not all of the numbers on the list. 92 00:02:54,167 --> 00:02:56,167 - We should just be happy that we're all on it. 93 00:02:56,167 --> 00:02:57,567 - Okay, voice of reason. 94 00:02:57,567 --> 00:02:59,067 - You should have been higher up on the list, 95 00:02:59,067 --> 00:03:00,827 'cause I think you're-- you're a ten. 96 00:03:00,833 --> 00:03:02,733 - Maybe you should be on Megan's List. 97 00:03:02,733 --> 00:03:05,173 - I think it's Megan's Law. - Yeah, you would know. 98 00:03:05,167 --> 00:03:06,267 - Oh. 99 00:03:06,267 --> 00:03:07,397 - Hey, guys, 100 00:03:07,400 --> 00:03:09,100 so I'm with South by Southwest, 101 00:03:09,100 --> 00:03:11,870 and we saw your names on the Squidsizer list. 102 00:03:11,867 --> 00:03:14,097 We were wondering what your availability's like in March. 103 00:03:14,100 --> 00:03:16,500 - I'm very available. - Austin, love it. 104 00:03:16,500 --> 00:03:17,830 - I actually booked this months ago. 105 00:03:17,833 --> 00:03:20,073 - Oh, right, great. All right, thanks, guys. 106 00:03:20,067 --> 00:03:22,927 - Hey, Jim, I'm about to light this dude. 107 00:03:22,933 --> 00:03:24,833 - Greer Barnes, number 22. 108 00:03:24,833 --> 00:03:26,303 [all cheering] 109 00:03:26,300 --> 00:03:27,730 - You want me to plug anything, man? 110 00:03:27,733 --> 00:03:30,503 - Well, you could say I'm not on the list 111 00:03:30,500 --> 00:03:32,070 of 100 top comedians 112 00:03:32,067 --> 00:03:33,627 in New York City. - Aww. 113 00:03:33,633 --> 00:03:36,073 - Well, that's probably because you're a little more 114 00:03:36,067 --> 00:03:37,567 established than that list. 115 00:03:37,567 --> 00:03:39,697 - Oh, Jerry Seinfeld, number six. 116 00:03:39,700 --> 00:03:41,470 - You know what? I don't care about the list. 117 00:03:41,467 --> 00:03:42,927 I hate to break everyone's heart, 118 00:03:42,933 --> 00:03:44,803 but I don't care about the stupid list. 119 00:03:44,800 --> 00:03:46,700 - Look, don't even worry about that list. 120 00:03:46,700 --> 00:03:47,930 - Totally. 121 00:03:47,933 --> 00:03:49,103 - I don't even think there's 100 comics 122 00:03:49,100 --> 00:03:50,570 in the whole city. 123 00:03:50,567 --> 00:03:52,067 There's probably, like, 90. 124 00:03:53,633 --> 00:03:55,503 - I can't believe everyone's getting sucked in 125 00:03:55,500 --> 00:03:56,870 by that stupid list. 126 00:03:56,867 --> 00:03:58,097 - Says the guy who's not on the list. 127 00:03:58,100 --> 00:03:59,200 - Come on. 128 00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:01,370 Do you really care about the list? 129 00:04:01,367 --> 00:04:02,767 - Man, you don't get it, man. 130 00:04:02,767 --> 00:04:04,167 You know, people read that list. 131 00:04:04,167 --> 00:04:05,467 They see that I'm number 98. 132 00:04:05,467 --> 00:04:06,767 They think that there's 97 people 133 00:04:06,767 --> 00:04:08,697 who are funnier than me in New York City. 134 00:04:08,700 --> 00:04:10,930 You don't think that affects people's perceptions of me? 135 00:04:10,933 --> 00:04:12,503 It's a self-fulfilling prophecy, you know? 136 00:04:12,500 --> 00:04:13,830 I mean, like, the people who are in the top ten 137 00:04:13,833 --> 00:04:15,803 of that list, right? - Uh-huh. 138 00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:17,600 - Better things are gonna come their way 'cause of that thing. 139 00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:19,100 I'm telling you, man, and it doesn't matter 140 00:04:19,100 --> 00:04:20,830 that it's one person's opinion, you know? 141 00:04:20,833 --> 00:04:23,073 Because--'cause once it's out there in the world, 142 00:04:23,067 --> 00:04:24,167 it becomes fact. 143 00:04:24,167 --> 00:04:25,697 - But this--this list. 144 00:04:25,700 --> 00:04:27,070 It goes against everything we stand for. 145 00:04:27,067 --> 00:04:28,797 - Oh, yeah? What--what do we stand for? 146 00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:31,400 - As comedians, we're supposed to make fun of this list. 147 00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:32,700 We're supposed to make fun of lists... 148 00:04:32,700 --> 00:04:34,230 - Yeah. - Award shows, beauty pageants-- 149 00:04:34,233 --> 00:04:36,133 - Whoa, whoa, whoa. - They're all just stupid. 150 00:04:36,133 --> 00:04:38,203 - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, you lay off of beauty pageants. 151 00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:40,170 - Come on. They're stupid. 152 00:04:40,167 --> 00:04:41,267 Hey. 153 00:04:41,267 --> 00:04:43,897 - I discovered who Franz Dubois is. 154 00:04:43,900 --> 00:04:44,900 - Who? 155 00:04:44,900 --> 00:04:45,900 - Franz Dubois. 156 00:04:45,900 --> 00:04:47,800 Jim, the blogger from Squidsizer, 157 00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:50,130 the guy that wrote the stupid list of comedians. 158 00:04:50,133 --> 00:04:51,973 - Oh, I don't care. 159 00:04:51,967 --> 00:04:52,967 - Get this. 160 00:04:52,967 --> 00:04:54,467 He lives in Bushwick, 161 00:04:54,467 --> 00:04:57,267 the judgiest of all the New York neighborhoods. 162 00:04:57,267 --> 00:04:58,627 - I thought that was Greenpoint. 163 00:04:58,633 --> 00:05:00,903 - No, that was, like, six months ago. 164 00:05:00,900 --> 00:05:02,430 - Wait, wait, why do you know 165 00:05:02,433 --> 00:05:03,433 where this guy lives? 166 00:05:03,433 --> 00:05:05,133 Or should I not ask? 167 00:05:05,133 --> 00:05:06,633 - He checks in every day online 168 00:05:06,633 --> 00:05:09,803 from the Swallow Cafe on Bogart Street. 169 00:05:09,800 --> 00:05:12,500 It's probably where he writes his stupid blog. 170 00:05:12,500 --> 00:05:13,530 - I really don't care. 171 00:05:13,533 --> 00:05:14,903 - Franz Dubois. 172 00:05:14,900 --> 00:05:19,070 His profile picture is a pour-over coffee carafe. 173 00:05:19,067 --> 00:05:22,127 You know, I can just see him sitting there 174 00:05:22,133 --> 00:05:24,473 with his sticker-covered laptop 175 00:05:24,467 --> 00:05:26,597 and his effete woodsman outfit 176 00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:29,370 and, you know, ironic beard, man bun. 177 00:05:29,367 --> 00:05:30,597 - Jeannie, let it go. 178 00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:32,300 - He's, like, nibbling on artisanal, 179 00:05:32,300 --> 00:05:33,530 fair-trade chocolate 180 00:05:33,533 --> 00:05:36,073 and spewing judgment all over the Internet 181 00:05:36,067 --> 00:05:37,867 because he has no friends. 182 00:05:37,867 --> 00:05:39,767 How dare he say you're not funny? 183 00:05:39,767 --> 00:05:41,797 You're at least in the top 50. 184 00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:45,230 - Jeannie, I don't care about the stupid list. 185 00:05:45,233 --> 00:05:48,173 Can't you see I don't care? 186 00:05:48,167 --> 00:05:50,197 - Yeah, no, obviously. 187 00:05:50,200 --> 00:05:53,200 [man beatboxing] 188 00:05:53,200 --> 00:06:01,200 189 00:06:02,967 --> 00:06:06,167 - Can I get a red-eye, please? 190 00:06:06,167 --> 00:06:07,767 - Uh, what's that? 191 00:06:07,767 --> 00:06:11,327 - It's a coffee with a shot of espresso in it. 192 00:06:11,333 --> 00:06:13,203 - Oh, we don't recommend that. 193 00:06:14,400 --> 00:06:16,400 - Well, can I get it anyway? 194 00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:18,200 - These are single-origin beans 195 00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:19,830 from the Peruvian rainforest. 196 00:06:19,833 --> 00:06:21,503 - Just give him a coffee, Mindy. 197 00:06:21,500 --> 00:06:22,530 - He's ruining it. 198 00:06:22,533 --> 00:06:23,633 - Okay, fine. 199 00:06:23,633 --> 00:06:27,273 I'll just have a black coffee... 200 00:06:27,267 --> 00:06:30,567 and a shot of espresso. 201 00:06:30,567 --> 00:06:32,797 If you could put it in the same cup? 202 00:06:32,800 --> 00:06:33,870 - No. 203 00:06:36,067 --> 00:06:39,927 [upbeat music] 204 00:06:39,933 --> 00:06:41,133 - Thank you. 205 00:06:41,133 --> 00:06:49,073 206 00:06:55,633 --> 00:06:57,103 [bell jangles] 207 00:06:57,100 --> 00:06:59,230 all: Daddy! 208 00:06:59,233 --> 00:07:02,103 [man beatboxing] 209 00:07:05,067 --> 00:07:06,727 - I thought you didn't care about Franz Dubois. 210 00:07:06,733 --> 00:07:08,103 - Shh. 211 00:07:08,100 --> 00:07:10,730 - I can't believe I came to Brooklyn. 212 00:07:10,733 --> 00:07:12,173 - What are you doing here, Jim? 213 00:07:12,167 --> 00:07:13,967 - It doesn't matter. What are you doing here? 214 00:07:13,967 --> 00:07:15,967 - I came to Brooklyn because I took the kids 215 00:07:15,967 --> 00:07:17,597 to the Subway Museum, 216 00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:19,670 and then we came in here because the kids 217 00:07:19,667 --> 00:07:20,767 wanted coffee. 218 00:07:20,767 --> 00:07:21,867 - [scoffs] 219 00:07:21,867 --> 00:07:23,797 - You're ruining that coffee. 220 00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:25,700 - All right, we're being ridiculous. 221 00:07:25,700 --> 00:07:27,230 Let's get out of here. 222 00:07:27,233 --> 00:07:29,073 - [whispering] That's him. 223 00:07:29,067 --> 00:07:31,597 That's Franz Dubois. 224 00:07:31,600 --> 00:07:32,900 - That's him? 225 00:07:32,900 --> 00:07:34,770 - Oh, look at him. 226 00:07:37,767 --> 00:07:40,067 See? He's a regular. 227 00:07:44,200 --> 00:07:45,330 - What are you doing? 228 00:07:45,333 --> 00:07:46,503 - Excuse me. 229 00:07:46,500 --> 00:07:48,370 That lumber-douche over there. 230 00:07:48,367 --> 00:07:50,127 Does he come in here a lot? 231 00:07:50,133 --> 00:07:51,273 - I guess. 232 00:07:51,267 --> 00:07:53,727 - Like every day? 233 00:07:53,733 --> 00:07:55,303 - Yeah, sure. I don't know. 234 00:07:55,300 --> 00:07:58,100 - Oh, he's some sort of authority on arts and culture, 235 00:07:58,100 --> 00:08:00,970 or is he just a soulless nobody? 236 00:08:02,667 --> 00:08:04,297 - Excuse me. 237 00:08:06,733 --> 00:08:07,903 - He's leaving. 238 00:08:07,900 --> 00:08:09,370 - [stammering] Fine. 239 00:08:09,367 --> 00:08:10,667 No, you're being silly. 240 00:08:10,667 --> 00:08:11,927 - I'm gonna go follow that loser. 241 00:08:11,933 --> 00:08:13,733 Come on, kids. Daniel, come. 242 00:08:13,733 --> 00:08:15,073 - [sighs] 243 00:08:17,167 --> 00:08:19,867 - Oh, goody, I hope we get to go to Staten Island. 244 00:08:23,100 --> 00:08:25,200 - Hey, are you Jim Gaffigan? 245 00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:27,130 - Uh, yeah. 246 00:08:27,133 --> 00:08:28,373 - Big fan. 247 00:08:28,367 --> 00:08:29,727 - Oh, thanks. 248 00:08:29,733 --> 00:08:30,773 - I'm a comedy blogger. 249 00:08:30,767 --> 00:08:33,227 My name's Franz Dubois. 250 00:08:33,233 --> 00:08:34,633 - Oh. 251 00:08:34,633 --> 00:08:37,133 - Yeah, I contribute to Squidsizer. 252 00:08:38,933 --> 00:08:41,773 - Cool. That's--Franz Dubois. 253 00:08:41,767 --> 00:08:43,697 Nice to meet you. 254 00:08:43,700 --> 00:08:46,700 [upbeat music] 255 00:08:46,700 --> 00:08:53,400 256 00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:55,100 - Come on, come on, come on, come on. 257 00:08:55,100 --> 00:08:57,700 258 00:08:57,700 --> 00:08:59,800 I knew it. Artisanal chocolate. 259 00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:01,070 - Well, I'm impressed. 260 00:09:01,067 --> 00:09:02,327 This is supposedly one of the top ten 261 00:09:02,333 --> 00:09:04,073 chocolate shops in New York City. 262 00:09:04,067 --> 00:09:05,397 - Let's go. 263 00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:08,400 [man beatboxing] 264 00:09:08,400 --> 00:09:10,330 265 00:09:10,333 --> 00:09:12,803 - [laughing] 266 00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:15,400 - Hey, Franz Dubois. 267 00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:17,270 Dave Hill. - Hey, what's going on, killer? 268 00:09:17,267 --> 00:09:19,367 - Jim Gaffigan. How's it going? 269 00:09:19,367 --> 00:09:20,367 - Good, good. 270 00:09:20,367 --> 00:09:22,627 Um, uh, you see my set? 271 00:09:22,633 --> 00:09:25,073 - Oh, no, I left after Eugene Mirman. 272 00:09:25,067 --> 00:09:26,397 - Oh. - Isn't he great? 273 00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:27,800 - Yeah. 274 00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:28,970 I love Eugene. 275 00:09:30,967 --> 00:09:32,827 So I was just curious. 276 00:09:32,833 --> 00:09:34,603 [stammering] 277 00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:37,430 Why wasn't I on that list? 278 00:09:37,433 --> 00:09:38,573 - What list? 279 00:09:38,567 --> 00:09:41,667 - The--the--the list of 100 top stand-ups 280 00:09:41,667 --> 00:09:42,867 in New York City. 281 00:09:42,867 --> 00:09:45,067 You were 73. - Oh. 282 00:09:45,067 --> 00:09:46,227 - 'Cause you don't live in New York City. 283 00:09:46,233 --> 00:09:47,533 Aren't you from Idaho? - Yeah. 284 00:09:47,533 --> 00:09:49,733 - Indiana. - I thought it was Illinois. 285 00:09:49,733 --> 00:09:53,733 - It's--it's Indiana, but I do live in New York City. 286 00:09:53,733 --> 00:09:54,833 - When did you move here? 287 00:09:54,833 --> 00:09:56,373 - Like, 20 years ago. 288 00:09:56,367 --> 00:09:58,067 - Get out. 289 00:09:58,067 --> 00:10:00,297 - I live in Manhattan. - Oh. 290 00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:02,670 - I know, Manhattan's not cool, right? 291 00:10:02,667 --> 00:10:04,067 It's like the AOL of boroughs. 292 00:10:04,067 --> 00:10:05,627 - No, I don't think that at all. 293 00:10:05,633 --> 00:10:08,203 - No, one--one of my best friends lives in Manhattan. 294 00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:09,830 - Yeah. - He's an accountant. 295 00:10:09,833 --> 00:10:10,933 Yeah, which is great for him. 296 00:10:10,933 --> 00:10:12,303 Listen, there's gonna be a riot 297 00:10:12,300 --> 00:10:13,530 if I don't get down there, 298 00:10:13,533 --> 00:10:15,703 so WFMU every Monday night. 299 00:10:15,700 --> 00:10:17,400 Come on my show, just hang out. - I will; I can't wait. 300 00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:19,070 We always have the funniest and coolest comedians. 301 00:10:19,067 --> 00:10:20,397 - I'll text you. - Yeah. 302 00:10:20,400 --> 00:10:21,830 - I could go on your show if you want, you know? 303 00:10:21,833 --> 00:10:23,233 - You--email me. - Yeah. 304 00:10:23,233 --> 00:10:26,433 - We--we should-- we should think about it. 305 00:10:26,433 --> 00:10:27,673 - Yes. 306 00:10:27,667 --> 00:10:30,127 Hey, you know, before he had that show, 307 00:10:30,133 --> 00:10:32,473 I did it when it was good. 308 00:10:32,467 --> 00:10:33,897 [both laughing] 309 00:10:33,900 --> 00:10:36,970 - Yeah, so I've--I've lived in New York 20 years. 310 00:10:36,967 --> 00:10:37,927 - I guess we're just never 311 00:10:37,933 --> 00:10:39,233 at the same shows. - Yeah. 312 00:10:39,233 --> 00:10:40,933 - Aren't you more of a road comic? 313 00:10:40,933 --> 00:10:44,233 - Well, I mean, I tour the country doing theaters. 314 00:10:44,233 --> 00:10:46,973 I don't know if that's a "road comic" thing, but... 315 00:10:46,967 --> 00:10:47,967 - Well, my bad. 316 00:10:47,967 --> 00:10:49,297 I'm mostly at the alt rooms, 317 00:10:49,300 --> 00:10:50,530 and I've just never seen you there. 318 00:10:50,533 --> 00:10:51,533 - Alt room? 319 00:10:51,533 --> 00:10:52,533 But, you know, here we are 320 00:10:52,533 --> 00:10:54,973 at Union Hall in Brooklyn. 321 00:10:54,967 --> 00:10:56,997 I mean, it doesn't get more alt than this, right? 322 00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:58,930 - This is a mainstream alt room. 323 00:10:58,933 --> 00:11:02,073 I only came here to do a profile on Dave. 324 00:11:02,067 --> 00:11:03,427 - Mainstream alt room. 325 00:11:03,433 --> 00:11:06,133 - Yeah, all the real alt rooms are in Queens. 326 00:11:06,133 --> 00:11:08,633 Like Creek and the Cave or Q.E.D. 327 00:11:08,633 --> 00:11:09,733 - Oh, yeah. 328 00:11:09,733 --> 00:11:11,073 Yeah, no, no, 329 00:11:11,067 --> 00:11:12,297 I--I totally agree, yeah. 330 00:11:12,300 --> 00:11:13,870 - I've never seen you there, actually. 331 00:11:13,867 --> 00:11:16,397 - Really? That's weird, 'cause I actually have a-- 332 00:11:16,400 --> 00:11:18,570 a show coming up at Q.E.D... - Oh. 333 00:11:18,567 --> 00:11:19,827 - Pretty soon. 334 00:11:19,833 --> 00:11:21,633 You know what? I could--I could let you know. 335 00:11:21,633 --> 00:11:23,773 - Oh, well, I'll know. 336 00:11:23,767 --> 00:11:25,867 - Right, right, yeah. I'm hungry. 337 00:11:25,867 --> 00:11:28,127 I'm probably gonna-- whenever I'm out in Park Slope, 338 00:11:28,133 --> 00:11:31,703 I always get this pizza that's alternative. 339 00:11:31,700 --> 00:11:33,570 No bread, no tomatoes. 340 00:11:33,567 --> 00:11:35,767 It's all chickpeas, but it's amazing. 341 00:11:35,767 --> 00:11:38,427 Anyway, I should--I'll tell you about it at Q.E.D. 342 00:11:38,433 --> 00:11:39,373 - Great. 343 00:11:42,067 --> 00:11:43,227 [man beatboxing] 344 00:11:43,233 --> 00:11:45,073 - I got to get a spot at Q.E.D. 345 00:11:45,067 --> 00:11:46,467 - What, are you doing cruise ships now? 346 00:11:46,467 --> 00:11:49,767 - No, it's an alt room in Queens. 347 00:11:49,767 --> 00:11:51,167 Christian works there. 348 00:11:51,167 --> 00:11:52,427 Uh, hey, Christian, hey. 349 00:11:52,433 --> 00:11:53,973 - Hey, man, what's going on? 350 00:11:53,967 --> 00:11:55,867 - Can you help me get a spot at Q.E.D.? 351 00:11:55,867 --> 00:11:57,427 - Never heard of it. 352 00:11:57,433 --> 00:11:59,303 What's that, like a-- like a cruise ship or something? 353 00:11:59,300 --> 00:12:00,300 - Oh, see? 354 00:12:00,300 --> 00:12:03,230 - I know you work there. 355 00:12:03,233 --> 00:12:04,633 - [sighs] All right, fine. 356 00:12:04,633 --> 00:12:07,303 Look, they're not taking that many people. 357 00:12:07,300 --> 00:12:08,730 They're trying to keep the room special, 358 00:12:08,733 --> 00:12:11,333 and you need two people to recommend you. 359 00:12:11,333 --> 00:12:15,103 - Can't you just recommend me twice? 360 00:12:15,100 --> 00:12:16,600 - All right. 361 00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:18,570 You should probably have Dave recommend you too. 362 00:12:18,567 --> 00:12:21,667 He plays there all the time, so... 363 00:12:21,667 --> 00:12:23,697 - Oh, that Q.E.D. 364 00:12:23,700 --> 00:12:25,200 Okay. 365 00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:27,400 - I'll race you to the bedroom. 366 00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:29,070 - Yay! 367 00:12:29,067 --> 00:12:30,067 - Wait for me. 368 00:12:30,067 --> 00:12:31,767 - Have fun in Queens. 369 00:12:31,767 --> 00:12:32,967 - Ugh, what's in Queens? 370 00:12:32,967 --> 00:12:34,567 - I have a show there later. 371 00:12:34,567 --> 00:12:37,227 - Oh, Jim, I thought your career was going better than that. 372 00:12:37,233 --> 00:12:38,973 - It's a very prestigious room. 373 00:12:38,967 --> 00:12:40,297 There's a big alt scene there. 374 00:12:40,300 --> 00:12:42,470 - Oh, speaking of alternative scenes, 375 00:12:42,467 --> 00:12:45,067 I gave your bearded friend Mr. Franz Dubois 376 00:12:45,067 --> 00:12:46,967 a piece of my mind. 377 00:12:46,967 --> 00:12:48,127 - Bearded? 378 00:12:48,133 --> 00:12:50,373 - Yeah, after we left the coffee shop. 379 00:12:50,367 --> 00:12:51,667 Hey. 380 00:12:51,667 --> 00:12:52,927 Franz Dubois. 381 00:12:52,933 --> 00:12:54,403 If that's even your real name. 382 00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:56,830 [people conversing quietly] 383 00:12:56,833 --> 00:12:57,833 Hey. 384 00:12:57,833 --> 00:13:00,703 Blogger. 385 00:13:00,700 --> 00:13:02,070 No. 386 00:13:02,067 --> 00:13:03,367 Bearded blogger. 387 00:13:03,367 --> 00:13:06,567 [soft background music] 388 00:13:06,567 --> 00:13:09,767 389 00:13:09,767 --> 00:13:10,967 You. 390 00:13:10,967 --> 00:13:13,297 You think you're so high and mighty 391 00:13:13,300 --> 00:13:14,770 with your--your laptop, 392 00:13:14,767 --> 00:13:17,627 casting judgments on people you've never met. 393 00:13:17,633 --> 00:13:22,203 Well, you are an entitled loser troll, 394 00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:25,430 blogging while there are other people out there 395 00:13:25,433 --> 00:13:26,833 putting their necks on the line, 396 00:13:26,833 --> 00:13:28,073 making people laugh. 397 00:13:28,067 --> 00:13:30,427 Well, I need you to remember one thing. 398 00:13:30,433 --> 00:13:31,673 My husband, 399 00:13:31,667 --> 00:13:33,067 Jim Gaffigan, 400 00:13:33,067 --> 00:13:35,827 is one of the top 100 comedians 401 00:13:35,833 --> 00:13:38,173 in New York City. 402 00:13:38,167 --> 00:13:40,067 Remember that. 403 00:13:40,067 --> 00:13:43,497 [people conversing quietly] 404 00:13:43,500 --> 00:13:45,870 [keys clacking] 405 00:13:45,867 --> 00:13:47,067 - I don't know her. 406 00:13:47,067 --> 00:13:50,197 - [speaking foreign language] 407 00:14:00,433 --> 00:14:03,703 - She defended your honor with grace and dignity. 408 00:14:03,700 --> 00:14:04,930 - You showed him. 409 00:14:04,933 --> 00:14:07,933 [man beatboxing] 410 00:14:07,933 --> 00:14:14,373 411 00:14:14,367 --> 00:14:15,567 Hey. 412 00:14:15,567 --> 00:14:19,067 [applause] 413 00:14:19,067 --> 00:14:21,167 Hey, how's the crowd? 414 00:14:21,167 --> 00:14:23,467 - Whatever, man. These kids are too PC, you know? 415 00:14:23,467 --> 00:14:24,827 - I'm sure you did fine. 416 00:14:24,833 --> 00:14:25,903 - Yeah, no, I did great. 417 00:14:25,900 --> 00:14:27,070 They dropped the ball. 418 00:14:27,067 --> 00:14:28,467 I'm going to The Stand. 419 00:14:28,467 --> 00:14:30,627 - Hmm. 420 00:14:30,633 --> 00:14:32,273 Hi, uh... 421 00:14:32,267 --> 00:14:34,197 - Oh, hey, Jim Gaffigan. - Hi. 422 00:14:34,200 --> 00:14:36,070 - You're my grandpa's favorite comedian. 423 00:14:36,067 --> 00:14:37,567 - Oh, thanks. 424 00:14:37,567 --> 00:14:39,567 - Look, I'm not supposed to do this, 425 00:14:39,567 --> 00:14:41,927 but here's a drink ticket. 426 00:14:41,933 --> 00:14:43,303 - Thank you. 427 00:14:43,300 --> 00:14:45,100 It sounds like a great room. 428 00:14:45,100 --> 00:14:48,170 - It's not a room. It's a space. 429 00:14:48,167 --> 00:14:49,767 - Right. Okay. 430 00:14:49,767 --> 00:14:51,867 - Look, Chris Gethard is running late. 431 00:14:51,867 --> 00:14:53,767 His fixie bike broke down. 432 00:14:53,767 --> 00:14:54,827 - Oh. 433 00:14:54,833 --> 00:14:56,133 That sounds serious. 434 00:14:56,133 --> 00:14:58,303 - Could you maybe go on next? 435 00:14:58,300 --> 00:15:00,070 - Yeah. - Okay, awesome. 436 00:15:00,067 --> 00:15:01,267 Come on. 437 00:15:01,267 --> 00:15:04,697 [applause] 438 00:15:04,700 --> 00:15:06,070 - [sighs] 439 00:15:06,067 --> 00:15:07,827 All right, our next comedian 440 00:15:07,833 --> 00:15:10,973 identifies as a man. 441 00:15:10,967 --> 00:15:13,727 Um, you probably saw him on TV when you were a kid. 442 00:15:13,733 --> 00:15:16,633 He was on the "Late Show" back when David Liederman hosted. 443 00:15:16,633 --> 00:15:18,703 Anyway, give it up for Jim Gaffigan. 444 00:15:18,700 --> 00:15:20,900 [applause] 445 00:15:20,900 --> 00:15:24,070 - Thank you. It's great to be here at Q.E.D. 446 00:15:24,067 --> 00:15:25,897 I love Queens. 447 00:15:28,067 --> 00:15:31,497 The borough. 448 00:15:31,500 --> 00:15:34,630 Sometimes, when I buy avocados, to save time, 449 00:15:34,633 --> 00:15:37,603 I'll just throw 'em out at the grocery store. 450 00:15:39,900 --> 00:15:40,900 [chuckles] 451 00:15:40,900 --> 00:15:43,900 These lights are, uh... 452 00:15:43,900 --> 00:15:46,900 you know, the worst part of international travel 453 00:15:46,900 --> 00:15:50,370 for me would have to be all the foreigners. 454 00:15:54,900 --> 00:15:57,570 Corned beef. 455 00:15:57,567 --> 00:15:58,827 Weird thing about corned beef, 456 00:15:58,833 --> 00:16:02,873 it doesn't taste like corn or beef. 457 00:16:02,867 --> 00:16:10,967 458 00:16:10,967 --> 00:16:12,697 - Oh, hey, great set. 459 00:16:12,700 --> 00:16:13,970 - Oh. - I've never seen you before. 460 00:16:13,967 --> 00:16:17,267 - Oh, thanks. That was different. 461 00:16:17,267 --> 00:16:18,897 - A little stand-up-y. 462 00:16:18,900 --> 00:16:21,330 - Yeah, normally, I find the idea of punch lines 463 00:16:21,333 --> 00:16:23,103 confrontational, but by the end I got it. 464 00:16:23,100 --> 00:16:24,700 Like, I felt the impulse to laugh, 465 00:16:24,700 --> 00:16:27,600 but I didn't want you to project your expectations onto me. 466 00:16:27,600 --> 00:16:30,800 - Right, that's--that's what I was kind of going for. 467 00:16:33,433 --> 00:16:37,973 Um, what other rooms or spaces or--or things 468 00:16:37,967 --> 00:16:39,167 do you do around here? 469 00:16:39,167 --> 00:16:41,427 - Have you done Shea Stadium? 470 00:16:41,433 --> 00:16:43,303 - Didn't they tear that down? 471 00:16:43,300 --> 00:16:45,600 - The performance space in East Williamsburg? 472 00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:46,870 No, I was there last night. 473 00:16:46,867 --> 00:16:47,797 - Oh, oh, oh. 474 00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:49,270 Yeah, yeah, yeah, that one. 475 00:16:49,267 --> 00:16:51,197 Yeah, I've heard of it. 476 00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:52,400 I've been, like--it's-- 477 00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:54,430 but I was booked on one night, and... 478 00:16:54,433 --> 00:16:55,703 - What about Jeffy's? 479 00:16:55,700 --> 00:16:58,470 - Oh, the one in East Williamsburg? 480 00:16:58,467 --> 00:17:00,267 - No, it's down the street. 481 00:17:00,267 --> 00:17:01,567 We're actually gonna go there now. 482 00:17:01,567 --> 00:17:02,697 We could probably get you up. 483 00:17:02,700 --> 00:17:05,070 - Sure, yeah. Let's go. 484 00:17:05,067 --> 00:17:06,567 - Sure, but, uh, 485 00:17:06,567 --> 00:17:09,097 are you gonna use your drink ticket? 486 00:17:09,100 --> 00:17:11,330 - Um, no. 487 00:17:11,333 --> 00:17:12,703 You can have it if you want. 488 00:17:12,700 --> 00:17:14,070 - Nice. 489 00:17:14,067 --> 00:17:17,067 Can I get one more? 490 00:17:17,067 --> 00:17:18,797 Thanks. 491 00:17:18,800 --> 00:17:27,370 492 00:17:27,367 --> 00:17:29,297 All right. Let's go. 493 00:17:29,300 --> 00:17:31,400 This is it. 494 00:17:31,400 --> 00:17:33,100 - The show is in a hair salon? 495 00:17:33,100 --> 00:17:35,070 - No, this is Jeffy's. 496 00:17:35,067 --> 00:17:36,067 - Oh. 497 00:17:38,267 --> 00:17:39,467 Um. 498 00:17:39,467 --> 00:17:42,467 [suspenseful music] 499 00:17:42,467 --> 00:17:50,597 500 00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:56,900 [knocking at door] 501 00:17:56,900 --> 00:17:57,900 - Who is it? 502 00:17:57,900 --> 00:18:00,100 - It's Amanda. 503 00:18:00,100 --> 00:18:02,430 [door unlocks] 504 00:18:02,433 --> 00:18:05,573 [door creaks open] 505 00:18:06,667 --> 00:18:07,697 - Like, "@celinedion, 506 00:18:07,700 --> 00:18:09,400 My favorite color is red." 507 00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:12,330 It's, like, crazy, the responses you're gonna get. 508 00:18:12,333 --> 00:18:13,703 - Hey, Amanda. 509 00:18:13,700 --> 00:18:14,830 Good to see you again. 510 00:18:14,833 --> 00:18:16,273 - Hey, what's up? - Hi. 511 00:18:16,267 --> 00:18:17,527 - Hey, I'm Jeffy. 512 00:18:17,533 --> 00:18:18,603 This is my place. 513 00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:19,630 I only have one rule: 514 00:18:19,633 --> 00:18:21,673 just do not go into that room. 515 00:18:21,667 --> 00:18:23,827 My stepdad, he's a real tool, so... 516 00:18:23,833 --> 00:18:25,403 - Hey, my birthday's in December, 517 00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:27,370 if you want to get me a present. 518 00:18:27,367 --> 00:18:28,467 - Put the money in the hat. 519 00:18:28,467 --> 00:18:30,127 - Yeah, I'll--I'll treat. 520 00:18:30,133 --> 00:18:31,433 - All right. - Thanks. 521 00:18:31,433 --> 00:18:33,233 - Then I'm tweeting at Ted Nugent, 522 00:18:33,233 --> 00:18:36,073 and I'm like, "You are a capitalist pig. 523 00:18:36,067 --> 00:18:37,467 Get over yourself," 524 00:18:37,467 --> 00:18:39,697 and I was like, "You have a ton of money." 525 00:18:39,700 --> 00:18:41,170 This is all on Twitter. 526 00:18:41,167 --> 00:18:44,067 And so then I'm like, "@TedNugent, 527 00:18:44,067 --> 00:18:46,227 "Prove that you're not a capitalist 528 00:18:46,233 --> 00:18:48,633 by donating to some charities," 529 00:18:48,633 --> 00:18:50,233 and then he tweets at me, 530 00:18:50,233 --> 00:18:51,533 "Go back to Russia," 531 00:18:51,533 --> 00:18:54,403 and so I tweet back at Ted Nugent, 532 00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:56,600 "Well, I hope you have a great day." 533 00:18:56,600 --> 00:18:58,270 - All right, all right. 534 00:18:58,267 --> 00:18:59,497 Who is next? 535 00:18:59,500 --> 00:19:01,070 - He wants to go on. 536 00:19:01,067 --> 00:19:03,197 - Oh, hey, what's your name, man? 537 00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:05,070 - Uh, Jim. 538 00:19:05,067 --> 00:19:07,397 - Jim or Chin? 539 00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:08,400 - Jim. 540 00:19:08,400 --> 00:19:10,070 Why would it be Chin? 541 00:19:10,067 --> 00:19:12,667 - I don't know, bro. I'm not a psychic. 542 00:19:12,667 --> 00:19:14,467 - Um. - All right, well. 543 00:19:14,467 --> 00:19:16,497 Coming to the stage next is-- 544 00:19:16,500 --> 00:19:18,100 oh, I'm gonna get this wrong. 545 00:19:18,100 --> 00:19:19,600 Uh, Jim? 546 00:19:19,600 --> 00:19:22,130 - Uh, yeah. - Jim, everybody. 547 00:19:22,133 --> 00:19:25,573 [scattered applause] 548 00:19:25,567 --> 00:19:27,097 - Excuse me. 549 00:19:27,100 --> 00:19:31,370 Hey, it's great to be here at Jeffy's. 550 00:19:31,367 --> 00:19:34,127 I took the N train. 551 00:19:36,767 --> 00:19:37,967 - Hey, man, that was really great. 552 00:19:37,967 --> 00:19:38,927 - Thanks. 553 00:19:38,933 --> 00:19:41,103 - You want to do another set? 554 00:19:41,100 --> 00:19:42,370 - Uh, sure. 555 00:19:42,367 --> 00:19:43,427 - Cool. 556 00:19:43,433 --> 00:19:45,773 Right this way. 557 00:19:45,767 --> 00:19:48,067 We got another room over here. 558 00:19:51,500 --> 00:19:52,730 [door closes] 559 00:20:00,500 --> 00:20:03,470 - Hello. 560 00:20:03,467 --> 00:20:04,927 - We're waiting. 561 00:20:12,133 --> 00:20:15,373 - Franz Dubois. 562 00:20:15,367 --> 00:20:16,627 - Go ahead. 563 00:20:21,767 --> 00:20:24,467 - Full boat tonight, huh? 564 00:20:24,467 --> 00:20:27,227 Yeah, sometimes, to save time, 565 00:20:27,233 --> 00:20:28,673 when I buy avocados, 566 00:20:28,667 --> 00:20:31,297 I'll just throw them out at the grocery store. 567 00:20:31,300 --> 00:20:33,700 [keys clacking] 568 00:20:33,700 --> 00:20:34,930 Shampoo seems like 569 00:20:34,933 --> 00:20:38,273 an unfortunate name for a product. 570 00:20:41,400 --> 00:20:44,400 [man beatboxing] 571 00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:47,400 [man singing indistinctly] 572 00:20:47,400 --> 00:20:50,400 [mellow jazzy music] 573 00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:58,330 38735

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