Original subtitles

[man beatboxing]

- Pabst Theater? - Yeah.

- That's in Milwaukee.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- Theater shows aren't real stand-up.

- Why not?

- Why is that? There's no challenge, you know?

I like to get in the ring a little bit, you know?

Mix it up with the audience.

Theater's where you go to see, like,

your kids do ballet or whatever.

- So since the audience is comfortably sitting,

facing the comedian,

it doesn't count as stand-up?

- Not in my book, no, but enjoy your recital.

- You're insane.

- The whole world's turned upside down.

You're doing theaters.

I'm number 98 on the list of best comedians.

Unbelievable. - What list?

- Squidsizer.com.

- You're upset about a list

on a website called Squidsizer?

- Hey, dude, that's a real comedy blog.

They did a profile on me last month,

which you probably missed, 'cause you were too busy

playing the O'Doul's Civic Center in Scranton.

- Ooh, a profile on Squidsizer.

Who's your publicist, SpongeBob?

- It's 2016, man.

These lists garner real buzz, you know?

I mean, it takes one blog, and that's--

[whistles] That's it.

- It's a stupid list on a dumb website.

It doesn't matter. - It does matter.

It matters to my mother.

[man humming and beatboxing]

- Would you stop with the Go-Gurts?

- I'm sorry me seeking nourishment annoys you.

- You've had, like, five.

- That's not true.

I've had seven,

but they're, like, half a serving.

- They're for the kids, Jim.

- Adults don't eat yogurt?

- Out of a tube?

They're for the park.

- Oh, you're right.

"Only to be consumed by children in a park.

Report offenders."

[chuckling]

Nothing? C'mon, that was kind of funny.

- I'm pissed about this Squidsizer article.

Top 100 comedians and you're not on it?

That ludicrous.

- Since when do you read comedy blogs?

- Since Saudi Arabia made it legal for women to read.

I do a lot of things, Jim.

- Wait a minute. I'm not on the list anywhere?

- Nowhere.

- [scoffs] Lists are stupid.

Why would you care?

- Because you should be on the list.

- I know I should, but do you know how many comedians

there are in the world?

- No, not in the world, Jim.

New York City.

"Top 100 Comedians in New York City."

No Jim Gaffigan.

It's just-- it's bull--it's--

[whispering] It's bull crap.

- This is just a stupid list on a website

no one's ever heard of.

They probably forgot me,

or they did the list in an hour

and just took names from some other list.

- Well, then, you should be on the other list.

- Jeannie, this list isn't real. Trust me.

Comedians, we don't care about stuff like this.

- Oh, there he is. Number 14.

- Those lists are stupid. You know that.

- Course you'd say that. - Oh, what number am I?

- 47.

- I rated higher on the no-fly list.

- I think I saw you on Angie's List.

- Really, "Schindler's List"?

- Yeah, you're--aww.

- All bad jokes aside, it is weird

that I wasn't in the top ten.

- It's weird that you're not all of the numbers on the list.

- We should just be happy that we're all on it.

- Okay, voice of reason.

- You should have been higher up on the list,

'cause I think you're-- you're a ten.

- Maybe you should be on Megan's List.

- I think it's Megan's Law. - Yeah, you would know.

- Oh.

- Hey, guys,

so I'm with South by Southwest,

and we saw your names on the Squidsizer list.

We were wondering what your availability's like in March.

- I'm very available. - Austin, love it.

- I actually booked this months ago.

- Oh, right, great. All right, thanks, guys.

- Hey, Jim, I'm about to light this dude.

- Greer Barnes, number 22.

[all cheering]

- You want me to plug anything, man?

- Well, you could say I'm not on the list

of 100 top comedians

in New York City. - Aww.

- Well, that's probably because you're a little more

established than that list.

- Oh, Jerry Seinfeld, number six.

- You know what? I don't care about the list.

I hate to break everyone's heart,

but I don't care about the stupid list.

- Look, don't even worry about that list.

- Totally.

- I don't even think there's 100 comics

in the whole city.

There's probably, like, 90.

- I can't believe everyone's getting sucked in

by that stupid list.

- Says the guy who's not on the list.

- Come on.

Do you really care about the list?

- Man, you don't get it, man.

You know, people read that list.

They see that I'm number 98.

They think that there's 97 people

who are funnier than me in New York City.

You don't think that affects people's perceptions of me?

It's a self-fulfilling prophecy, you know?

I mean, like, the people who are in the top ten

of that list, right? - Uh-huh.

- Better things are gonna come their way 'cause of that thing.

I'm telling you, man, and it doesn't matter

that it's one person's opinion, you know?

Because--'cause once it's out there in the world,

it becomes fact.

- But this--this list.

It goes against everything we stand for.

- Oh, yeah? What--what do we stand for?

- As comedians, we're supposed to make fun of this list.

We're supposed to make fun of lists...

- Yeah. - Award shows, beauty pageants--

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. - They're all just stupid.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, you lay off of beauty pageants.

- Come on. They're stupid.

Hey.

- I discovered who Franz Dubois is.

- Who?

- Franz Dubois.

Jim, the blogger from Squidsizer,

the guy that wrote the stupid list of comedians.

- Oh, I don't care.

- Get this.

He lives in Bushwick,

the judgiest of all the New York neighborhoods.

- I thought that was Greenpoint.

- No, that was, like, six months ago.

- Wait, wait, why do you know

where this guy lives?

Or should I not ask?

- He checks in every day online

from the Swallow Cafe on Bogart Street.

It's probably where he writes his stupid blog.

- I really don't care.

- Franz Dubois.

His profile picture is a pour-over coffee carafe.

You know, I can just see him sitting there

with his sticker-covered laptop

and his effete woodsman outfit

and, you know, ironic beard, man bun.

- Jeannie, let it go.

- He's, like, nibbling on artisanal,

fair-trade chocolate

and spewing judgment all over the Internet

because he has no friends.

How dare he say you're not funny?

You're at least in the top 50.

- Jeannie, I don't care about the stupid list.

Can't you see I don't care?

- Yeah, no, obviously.

[man beatboxing]

- Can I get a red-eye, please?

- Uh, what's that?

- It's a coffee with a shot of espresso in it.

- Oh, we don't recommend that.

- Well, can I get it anyway?

- These are single-origin beans

from the Peruvian rainforest.

- Just give him a coffee, Mindy.

- He's ruining it.

- Okay, fine.

I'll just have a black coffee...

and a shot of espresso.

If you could put it in the same cup?

- No.

[upbeat music]

- Thank you.

[bell jangles]

all: Daddy!

[man beatboxing]

- I thought you didn't care about Franz Dubois.

- Shh.

- I can't believe I came to Brooklyn.

- What are you doing here, Jim?

- It doesn't matter. What are you doing here?

- I came to Brooklyn because I took the kids

to the Subway Museum,

and then we came in here because the kids

wanted coffee.

- [scoffs]

- You're ruining that coffee.

- All right, we're being ridiculous.

Let's get out of here.

- [whispering] That's him.

That's Franz Dubois.

- That's him?

- Oh, look at him.

See? He's a regular.

- What are you doing?

- Excuse me.

That lumber-douche over there.

Does he come in here a lot?

- I guess.

- Like every day?

- Yeah, sure. I don't know.

- Oh, he's some sort of authority on arts and culture,

or is he just a soulless nobody?

- Excuse me.

- He's leaving.

- [stammering] Fine.

No, you're being silly.

- I'm gonna go follow that loser.

Come on, kids. Daniel, come.

- [sighs]

- Oh, goody, I hope we get to go to Staten Island.

- Hey, are you Jim Gaffigan?

- Uh, yeah.

- Big fan.

- Oh, thanks.

- I'm a comedy blogger.

My name's Franz Dubois.

- Oh.

- Yeah, I contribute to Squidsizer.

- Cool. That's--Franz Dubois.

Nice to meet you.

[upbeat music]

- Come on, come on, come on, come on.

I knew it. Artisanal chocolate.

- Well, I'm impressed.

This is supposedly one of the top ten

chocolate shops in New York City.

- Let's go.

[man beatboxing]

- [laughing]

- Hey, Franz Dubois.

Dave Hill. - Hey, what's going on, killer?

- Jim Gaffigan. How's it going?

- Good, good.

Um, uh, you see my set?

- Oh, no, I left after Eugene Mirman.

- Oh. - Isn't he great?

- Yeah.

I love Eugene.

So I was just curious.

[stammering]

Why wasn't I on that list?

- What list?

- The--the--the list of 100 top stand-ups

in New York City.

You were 73. - Oh.

- 'Cause you don't live in New York City.

Aren't you from Idaho? - Yeah.

- Indiana. - I thought it was Illinois.

- It's--it's Indiana, but I do live in New York City.

- When did you move here?

- Like, 20 years ago.

- Get out.

- I live in Manhattan. - Oh.

- I know, Manhattan's not cool, right?

It's like the AOL of boroughs.

- No, I don't think that at all.

- No, one--one of my best friends lives in Manhattan.

- Yeah. - He's an accountant.

Yeah, which is great for him.

Listen, there's gonna be a riot

if I don't get down there,

so WFMU every Monday night.

Come on my show, just hang out. - I will; I can't wait.

We always have the funniest and coolest comedians.

- I'll text you. - Yeah.

- I could go on your show if you want, you know?

- You--email me. - Yeah.

- We--we should-- we should think about it.

- Yes.

Hey, you know, before he had that show,

I did it when it was good.

[both laughing]

- Yeah, so I've--I've lived in New York 20 years.

- I guess we're just never

at the same shows. - Yeah.

- Aren't you more of a road comic?

- Well, I mean, I tour the country doing theaters.

I don't know if that's a "road comic" thing, but...

- Well, my bad.

I'm mostly at the alt rooms,

and I've just never seen you there.

- Alt room?

But, you know, here we are

at Union Hall in Brooklyn.

I mean, it doesn't get more alt than this, right?

- This is a mainstream alt room.

I only came here to do a profile on Dave.

- Mainstream alt room.

- Yeah, all the real alt rooms are in Queens.

Like Creek and the Cave or Q.E.D.

- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, no, no,

I--I totally agree, yeah.

- I've never seen you there, actually.

- Really? That's weird, 'cause I actually have a--

a show coming up at Q.E.D... - Oh.

- Pretty soon.

You know what? I could--I could let you know.

- Oh, well, I'll know.

- Right, right, yeah. I'm hungry.

I'm probably gonna-- whenever I'm out in Park Slope,

I always get this pizza that's alternative.

No bread, no tomatoes.

It's all chickpeas, but it's amazing.

Anyway, I should--I'll tell you about it at Q.E.D.

- Great.

[man beatboxing]

- I got to get a spot at Q.E.D.

- What, are you doing cruise ships now?

- No, it's an alt room in Queens.

Christian works there.

Uh, hey, Christian, hey.

- Hey, man, what's going on?

- Can you help me get a spot at Q.E.D.?

- Never heard of it.

What's that, like a-- like a cruise ship or something?

- Oh, see?

- I know you work there.

- [sighs] All right, fine.

Look, they're not taking that many people.

They're trying to keep the room special,

and you need two people to recommend you.

- Can't you just recommend me twice?

- All right.

You should probably have Dave recommend you too.

He plays there all the time, so...

- Oh, that Q.E.D.

Okay.

- I'll race you to the bedroom.

- Yay!

- Wait for me.

- Have fun in Queens.

- Ugh, what's in Queens?

- I have a show there later.

- Oh, Jim, I thought your career was going better than that.

- It's a very prestigious room.

There's a big alt scene there.

- Oh, speaking of alternative scenes,

I gave your bearded friend Mr. Franz Dubois

a piece of my mind.

- Bearded?

- Yeah, after we left the coffee shop.

Hey.

Franz Dubois.

If that's even your real name.

[people conversing quietly]

Hey.

Blogger.

No.

Bearded blogger.

[soft background music]

You.

You think you're so high and mighty

with your--your laptop,

casting judgments on people you've never met.

Well, you are an entitled loser troll,

blogging while there are other people out there

putting their necks on the line,

making people laugh.

Well, I need you to remember one thing.

My husband,

Jim Gaffigan,

is one of the top 100 comedians

in New York City.

Remember that.

[people conversing quietly]

[keys clacking]

- I don't know her.

- [speaking foreign language]

- She defended your honor with grace and dignity.

- You showed him.

[man beatboxing]

Hey.

[applause]

Hey, how's the crowd?

- Whatever, man. These kids are too PC, you know?

- I'm sure you did fine.

- Yeah, no, I did great.

They dropped the ball.

I'm going to The Stand.

- Hmm.

Hi, uh...

- Oh, hey, Jim Gaffigan. - Hi.

- You're my grandpa's favorite comedian.

- Oh, thanks.

- Look, I'm not supposed to do this,

but here's a drink ticket.

- Thank you.

It sounds like a great room.

- It's not a room. It's a space.

- Right. Okay.

- Look, Chris Gethard is running late.

His fixie bike broke down.

- Oh.

That sounds serious.

- Could you maybe go on next?

- Yeah. - Okay, awesome.

Come on.

[applause]

- [sighs]

All right, our next comedian

identifies as a man.

Um, you probably saw him on TV when you were a kid.

He was on the "Late Show" back when David Liederman hosted.

Anyway, give it up for Jim Gaffigan.

[applause]

- Thank you. It's great to be here at Q.E.D.

I love Queens.

The borough.

Sometimes, when I buy avocados, to save time,

I'll just throw 'em out at the grocery store.

[chuckles]

These lights are, uh...

you know, the worst part of international travel

for me would have to be all the foreigners.

Corned beef.

Weird thing about corned beef,

it doesn't taste like corn or beef.

- Oh, hey, great set.

- Oh. - I've never seen you before.

- Oh, thanks. That was different.

- A little stand-up-y.

- Yeah, normally, I find the idea of punch lines

confrontational, but by the end I got it.

Like, I felt the impulse to laugh,

but I didn't want you to project your expectations onto me.

- Right, that's--that's what I was kind of going for.

Um, what other rooms or spaces or--or things

do you do around here?

- Have you done Shea Stadium?

- Didn't they tear that down?

- The performance space in East Williamsburg?

No, I was there last night.

- Oh, oh, oh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that one.

Yeah, I've heard of it.

I've been, like--it's--

but I was booked on one night, and...

- What about Jeffy's?

- Oh, the one in East Williamsburg?

- No, it's down the street.

We're actually gonna go there now.

We could probably get you up.

- Sure, yeah. Let's go.

- Sure, but, uh,

are you gonna use your drink ticket?

- Um, no.

You can have it if you want.

- Nice.

Can I get one more?

Thanks.

All right. Let's go.

This is it.

- The show is in a hair salon?

- No, this is Jeffy's.

- Oh.

Um.

[suspenseful music]

[knocking at door]

- Who is it?

- It's Amanda.

[door unlocks]

[door creaks open]

- Like, "@celinedion,

My favorite color is red."

It's, like, crazy, the responses you're gonna get.

- Hey, Amanda.

Good to see you again.

- Hey, what's up? - Hi.

- Hey, I'm Jeffy.

This is my place.

I only have one rule:

just do not go into that room.

My stepdad, he's a real tool, so...

- Hey, my birthday's in December,

if you want to get me a present.

- Put the money in the hat.

- Yeah, I'll--I'll treat.

- All right. - Thanks.

- Then I'm tweeting at Ted Nugent,

and I'm like, "You are a capitalist pig.

Get over yourself,"

and I was like, "You have a ton of money."

This is all on Twitter.

And so then I'm like, "@TedNugent,

"Prove that you're not a capitalist

by donating to some charities,"

and then he tweets at me,

"Go back to Russia,"

and so I tweet back at Ted Nugent,

"Well, I hope you have a great day."

- All right, all right.

Who is next?

- He wants to go on.

- Oh, hey, what's your name, man?

- Uh, Jim.

- Jim or Chin?

- Jim.

Why would it be Chin?

- I don't know, bro. I'm not a psychic.

- Um. - All right, well.

Coming to the stage next is--

oh, I'm gonna get this wrong.

Uh, Jim?

- Uh, yeah. - Jim, everybody.

[scattered applause]

- Excuse me.

Hey, it's great to be here at Jeffy's.

I took the N train.

- Hey, man, that was really great.

- Thanks.

- You want to do another set?

- Uh, sure.

- Cool.

Right this way.

We got another room over here.

[door closes]

- Hello.

- We're waiting.

- Franz Dubois.

- Go ahead.

- Full boat tonight, huh?

Yeah, sometimes, to save time,

when I buy avocados,

I'll just throw them out at the grocery store.

[keys clacking]

Shampoo seems like

an unfortunate name for a product.

[man beatboxing]

[man singing indistinctly]

[mellow jazzy music]