Original subtitles

["Still Fighting It" by Ben Folds]

- Good morning son I am a bird

Wearing a brown polyester shirt

- Jim!

So fortunate I ran into you.

I was thinking you could speak to my young men's group

about the value of fatherhood.

- Uh, Father Nicholas, I appreciate you asking,

but I don't know what I would say.

I'm not the best Catholic.

- [laughs]

Jim, you are so humble.

What about this Thursday?

- Uh, well, I would-- - Terrific.

See you at the youth center.

- But--I--

- Jim!

I just keep running into you. It reminds me--

- Wait, weren't you back there?

- Can you help at the soup kitchen?

- What? - Terrific! See you Friday.

- I don't know what my schedule is.

- Ah, 5:00.

Wear something that can get dirty.

Like that outfit.

Okay.

All right. Go inside. Go inside.

[scary movie music]

- [gasps] Thanks, Yonah.

Ah!

- Jim, this reminds me.

I want you to teach Sunday School.

- Wha...

Ah!

Oh. Sorry.

- Hey, Buddy. What'll you have?

- Light Ale, please.

- Sure thing.

- [screaming]

- It's-- both: Time for dinner!

- Ah...ah... - It's lasagna!

- You're so sleepy. - Hi.

Did you have a good nap?

- Uh, not really.

I had the weirdest dream.

I think I ate too much pastrami.

This is quite a production for dinner.

- Well, Father Nicholas is coming.

- [sighs] Again?

- Jim, us having him for dinner every now and then

is the least we can do.

- Actually, us not having him for dinner

would be the least we could do.

Every time I see that guy, he asks me to do stuff.

For other people.

- All Father Nicholas does

is stuff for other people.

- Exactly. So we don't have to.

- Then just say no.

- To a priest?

Then he'll tell on me.

To God, and Jesus,

and the Holy Spirit guy.

- Are you even Catholic?

- Hey, I'm learning.

[door buzzes]

- That's him.

I expect you to be a good host.

With pants this time.

- All I do is give.

[man beatboxing]

[man humming and beatboxing]

- Thank you, Jeannie. - You're welcome.

- Ah.

- I'm gonna go put "SpongeBob" on.

- Oh, great. - For the kids, Jim.

- I--I know.

- Jim, can I ask you something?

- [sighs] Yeah.

- Have you lost weight?

- [chuckles] Yeah, yeah.

- Ah. - I have.

- [laughs] You're looking fit.

- I'm coming back!

Yeah, used to be a time when I was in pretty good shape.

I used to run six miles a day.

- [laughs] That's funny.

Is this one of your comedy skits?

- No.

I was--I was an athlete.

In high school, I was varsity football and wrestling.

Once an athlete, always an athlete.

- This is amazing.

You know, the church soccer team,

we just lost a player.

- Oh, well, you know, I mean, I'm--

I'm an athlete, but, like,

I, uh, enjoy it from a distance.

You know, from-- from my couch.

- All the proceeds go to the homeless shelter.

Jim, come on.

- Which homeless shelter?

- The one down the street.

- That one? - Yeah.

- Okay.

- Wonderful!

[laughs] Wonderful.

[man beatboxing]

[cheering]

Jim, you scored the final goal.

- I still got it!

I just got a little bit more of it.

- Can I have an autograph please?

- Uh, sure, sure.

- No, not you. You.

You are Nicky Ngungumbane, right?

- Yes, I am. - Great.

- [chuckles] - Can I get a selfie?

- Of course. - Yes!

Thank you. - You're welcome.

- "Nicky"? - Don't you start.

- You were unbelievable!

Did you play soccer professionally?

- No, no, no-- I mean, I played for

the Zimbabwe Junior National Team.

We won the African cup, and, uh,

I was recruited by Manchester United.

- What? You were?

Well, what happened?

- Nothing happened.

I became a priest.

- Oh, you got injured.

- Oh, no.

- So--so you went from being

a soccer star to being a Catholic priest?

- Oh, it's not as simple as that, Jim.

I first went to the London School of Economics.

- Wait, the Catholic Church paid for you

to go to the London School of Economics?

- Oh, no, no, no.

Modeling paid for that.

- What? You were a model?

- I--I mean, I did one campaign

for this company...Benetton.

- Wait--wait a minute.

You were a soccer star, a Benetton model,

and went to one of the top business schools in the world,

and you threw it away to be a priest?

Father Nicholas, I mean,

I don't want to be rude, but being a Catholic priest

is not exactly a status symbol today.

- Yeah, well,

I've been blessed with many gifts in this life.

But I realized that I had a calling to serve,

and I answered that call.

- I think I would've let that go to voicemail.

- [laughs]

We all have a calling, Jim.

- Well, not everybody. - No, you.

You make people laugh. - Besides that.

I'm talking about something important.

To make lives better.

You know, I do jokes about donuts.

Now, the guy who invented donuts?

He had a calling.

Is he a saint?

He should be a saint.

- Maybe.

Oh, I've got to go in

and check on Mr. Camenela.

He's been very lonely since his wife passed.

- You're a good man, Father Nicholas.

Like, invented donuts good.

I'm not playing soccer anymore. - Yes, you are.

- It's too hard! - No, no, no.

You were really good today! - Where am I gonna get a cab?

- That was him!

- Yeah, could've been some superstar millionaire,

but instead, the highlight of his week

is coming to our apartment and eating your lasagna.

- What's wrong with my lasagna?

- It's veggie.

No one likes veggie lasagna.

- Jim, you're missing the point.

It was his calling.

- Calling--you say "Calling"

like that's something everyone gets.

Like a jury summons.

- Well, I clearly remember when I got my calling.

- Jeannie!

I told you, you could only

get one Cabbage Patch Kid.

- I want five!

- I said one!

- [screaming]

- Okay, fine. Five.

Just stop screaming.

[heavenly chorus]

- It all makes sense now.

- Jim, don't you remember a moment

when you realized you were

put on this planet to do something?

It's not eating. - I...

Jim, isn't your calling to be a father?

- Being a mother is a calling.

Dads order pizza-- we're like

the vice president of the family.

- Everyone has a calling.

You just have to listen for it.

- Don't be weird.

[horns honking]

[heartbeat thumping]

- Listen, listen, listen!

You just don't listen!

- Jim....

Jim...

[heartbeat thumping]

Jim...

[heartbeat thumping]

- God?

- Over here...

[dance music playing]

- Macaulay?

- Jim! We're having a party up here.

We're re-enacting "Steel Magnolias."

You should totally come.

- Uh, no, I'm good, thanks.

- By the way, your bald spot is gigantic.

- Okay, the next open house is on Bleecker.

Oh, FYI, I lied.

I told them you're happily married

and that Jim is a great husband and father.

- Daniel, Jim is a very active, present father.

Right, Jim? Jim?

- Yeah, that's a great apartment.

- What are you looking at? Our kids are over there.

Joseph! No, no, no. Don't eat that.

The rats poop in the sandbox.

Come on.

- Daniel, do you believe you were put on this earth

to do something for the benefit of humanity?

- You know, I've thought a lot about that,

but I just don't know where I would hide your body.

- No, seriously.

Was there a moment when you discovered

what you were supposed to do with your life?

- Oh, I've always known what I was meant to do with my life.

[children laughing]

- Fabulous party, Grace. - Oh, thank you, Gloria.

Your Daniel is such a little, um, gentleman.

- Oh, yes, he marches to his own beat.

He's very gifted. - Mm.

- Daniel?

Daniel, honey, come. Mommy needs you.

Daniel, now do that little trick that you did

at Uncle Harrington's country estate last weekend.

- Who do you want me to make cry?

- Oh, [laughs]. Not that trick.

What is the square footage

of Mrs. Sawyer's apartment?

- Including the rotunda? - Yes, dear.

- 3,074 feet.

Give or take six inches.

- [gasps] Yes, that's right!

- Oh! [applause]

- Original moldings, near Central Park...

based on current Manhattan quotes,

it would sell for $2,337,125.

- Mm, you see? I told you.

He's gonna be the next Donald Trump.

[heavenly chorus]

- So, in this scenario,

"Donald Trump" was a compliment?

- I don't know. I was ten.

About the age you were when you got out of diapers.

All I know is I was destined

to help people find their dream home.

And then sell it three years later for a profit.

[man beatboxing]

- Father Nicholas? The Priest?

- The guy had this amazing life.

He could have been a professional soccer player.

A model.

The guy went to the London School of Economics.

But instead, he chose to become a priest

because he had a calling.

- A calling. A call--

you know, as a born-again atheist--

- That's still not a thing.

- I don't believe that the--

the universe has a plan for me.

You know, I'm the-- the master of my own destiny.

- Doesn't your mom do your laundry?

- Yes, and that's the destiny she chose.

Just as you've chosen to pay for this lunch today.

- You're telling me there wasn't a moment in your life

when you felt compelled to do something?

Guy had this amazing life.

He could have been a professional soccer player.

A model.

[heavenly chorus]

That's not what I mean, Dave. - What?

You asked if there was a moment in my life

I felt compelled to do something,

and in that moment, I felt compelled to do her.

And in this moment, I feel compelled to do her.

And her. I did her.

Not her. Ah, who am I kidding?

You know, after a couple of beers, her.

- No, a calling, Dave.

- Yeah, well you can have more than one calling.

You can have two callings at the same time.

You know, I mean, uh--

sometimes you pretend to be a guitar teacher

to get a calling, you know, only then

they discover that you don't know how to play guitar,

but it's too late, 'cause you've already received the callings.

- Mock it all you want, but people get callings.

- Yeah, sometimes callings.

Sometimes it's texting.

Often it's Tinder.

Do you believe in destiny?

Can I get some change?

- But--but when you got your calling,

was it all at once?

Like, a moment of catharsis?

What am I looking for?

- Ah, it's different for everyone, I suppose.

I wasn't necessarily looking for a calling.

In fact, I think I fought the idea

through much of University.

- Wait a minute.

Are you saying I could have been called to be a priest,

but I didn't hear it?

- For me, it was that I always found

such beauty in the mass.

The liturgy, the community

in the presence of God.

You know what I mean?

- Yeah. Kind of.

- Let us begin.

In the name of the Father,

and the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

Oh God, author of every mercy

and of all goodness,

who in prayer, fasting...

- Stand up straight.

- Shown us the remedy for sin.

Look graciously on this, our confession...

- [clears throat] I volunteered you for the reading.

- What? But I--

I don't have my glasses.

- Just get up there. Don't be a [bleep].

- One God, forever and ever.

all: Amen.

- Please be seated.

- Go.

- Uh...

A letter from St. Paul to the Apostles.

"Dear Apostles...

How was your weekend?"

- [chuckles]

- "Tell Jesus 'Hey.'"

- [snorts]

- This is the word of the Lord.

all: Thanks be to God.

- Jim, did you ever think

that your calling was to be a father?

- Any guy can do that.

I mean, not you.

I mean, you're a father, but not a father father.

You shouldn't be. You know what I'm saying.

- Yes, I do.

- My point is, I'm talking about

a calling to change the world.

People's lives.

- I'm sure it will be revealed to you

when the time is right.

- Uh.

Okay.

I'll probably be eating.

[man beatboxing]

[heavenly chorus]

- Jim?

Jim?

- Jerry Seinfeld?

- No, it's Whoopi Goldberg.

- Jerry Seinfeld.

Is this my calling?

- Remember Tampa? 1992?

- I blacked most of Tampa out.

- Yeah, it's Florida. Most people do.

- So what did she say?

- Oh, she said she's not gonna

play up that-- that angle in the story.

She thinks we're heterosexual.

I guess we fooled her. - [laughs]

- All right, I'll get rid of her, hold on.

Hello?

Jim? Are you there?

Pick up the phone!

You!

- Me?

- Yes, you! Jim Gaffigan!

Do me a favor: put down your sandwich,

and pick up the phone.

You're always with the eating.

- Hello?

- Hey, it's working.

This is great.

You seem depressed.

- Well, I hate my job.

I don't know what I'm gonna do with my life.

The only thing bringing me any joy

is this Cuban sandwich.

I love the way the pickle really balances out

the pork and the other pork.

[audience laughing]

- You should be a comedian.

- A comedian?

I'm a litigation consultant.

[audience laughing]

- What are you talking about?

- They calculate the fees in law cases--

it--it doesn't matter.

- All right, I'll talk to you later.

I got to go. - Thanks, Jerry.

- Put down the imaginary phone. You look ridiculous.

What are you, Bob Newhart?

- Right, right, right, right.

[audience laughing]

I just had the weirdest dream.

- You've got to stop eating pastrami before your naps.

- I know what my calling is.

I'm meant to be a stand-up comedian.

- You already are a stand-up comedian.

- Right, right, but I think I've been doing it wrong.

I'm supposed to talk about important issues.

- I like your comedy.

- But if it's my calling,

I should be using my gift

to bring about change.

Make the world a better place.

It's gonna be great.

That's why we're all part

of this cosmic plan, you know?

I--I'm--I'm just telling you

what they're trying to keep you from hearing.

Right?

Look, you know,

you guys got to read the paper.

This is comedy with a "Two-think" minimum.

[chuckles]

I...

I'm just hungry for the truth.

Right? Aren't we all?

- Food!

You idiot! Talk about food!

- Have you ever eaten so much pastrami you hallucinate?

[laughter]

You know what I mean? I mean, pastrami's my drug.

Some people drink. Some people smoke pot.

I eat pastrami.

I'll come home, and my wife will be like,

"Have you been eating pastrami?"

Corned beef?

It's not corn or beef.

[laughter]

[heavenly chorus]

- No line.

- Jim Gaffigan.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

You're in the wrong line.

You belong in the line over there.

That's the line for people that didn't follow their calling.

- But I--but I did follow my calling.

Jerry Seinfeld appeared to me

and told me I'm meant to be a stand-up comedian.

- Oh, I love Seinfeld.

He's a genius. But he's a comedian.

Obviously, he was joking.

- Well, what was my calling, then?

- You were supposed to be a good father.

- Oh.

- Oh, hey, Jim.

- Macaulay? - Pete.

- Back again? - As always.

He's with me.

No, I'm just joking. Good luck.

- I hate that guy.

There's so many of them. Five kids.

How is anyone gonna...

- So much

Like me

I'm sorry

[man scatting]

[man singing indistinctly]

[mellow jazzy music]