Original subtitles

Are you doing all right, or what?

- Yeah, yeah. - Yeah?

'Cause your eyes look exceptionally beady today.

Ah, I haven't slept in, like, a week.

The kids are on round two of the stomach flu.

Ugh. This is probably how the Black Plague started.

Thanks, man. The city

should just burn your apartment to the ground.

I think my kids already had Black Plague last month.

I don't think you can get it twice.

Nah. Hey, listen, man.

This may not be the best time to tell you,

but I got invited to the Melbourne Comedy Fest.

- Oh, that's great. - Yeah, man.

- You're not jealous? - No, no, no.

I was invited too, but I'm probably gonna

- have to turn it down. - Turn it down?

You're gonna turn down a free trip to Australia?

Well, Dave, the festival's a month long.

I can't leave Jeannie with five kids for a month.

Oh, yeah. 'Cause she'll cheat on you.

What? No.

Well, then, bring the prison warden

and the basketball team, man.

I mean, this is the kind of thing

that could change your career, you know?

Do you know how much it costs to fly six people to Australia?

No, I do not, and thanks to a thing

called common sense, I never will.

(all) Hey!

- It's John Mulaney. - What's up, man? How you doing?

- How are you, man? - I got to tell you,

I saw your show. I loved it.

I heard you're gonna do another one.

I think I want to, yeah.

And I got an offer from TV Land.

- I'm sorry? - TV Land.

- Oh, okay. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I thought it was, like,

an amusement park or something,

but it's a cable channel.

And it's nice, but the money's bad.

Probably not a good idea.

I think comic doing a show on TV Land--

- a little pathetic. - Yeah, it's kind of sad.

It'd be embarrassing.

It'd be nice to have the work,

but it'd be embarrassing.

Hey, are you two gonna come to Australia?

Well, I am. This one's passing, man.

Yeah. I can't.

You know, five kids.

For real five kids?

- Oh, I thought that was a joke. - That's real.

- Yeah, no. I have five kids. - Yeah.

All right. So, you'll be Melbourne?

- I will, man. - Call me when you get there.

- I will, I will. - It's such a fun, stupid place.

Is it? Is it?

Yeah, you just-- it's like endless nights.

It's great. And then afterwards,

me a few comics are going on this little boondoggle

to Asia if you want to come.

- Just a few days. - No, I'm there.

You know, I got to tell you,

I love Asian women,

and Asian women, they love me,

- as it turns out. - That's nice.

Wow, you pulled off racism, sexism,

and narcissism in one sentence.

Yeah, I did. I did do that.

You know, anyway, why does this

guy need to go to Asia, right?

When his apartment is already

so similar to a crowded

Tokyo subway? Okay.

Let's get something to eat. You want to come with us?

- We're going-- - To Katz's.

No, I've only just woken up.

I'm not gonna eat for hours.

I like your style, buddy.

I'll see you in Melbourne.

Love you, Dave.

- Think about it, Jim. - See you.

Have you-- have you gained weight?

No, lost--seven pounds.

Take care.

[beatboxing]

- Mulaney, huh? - Yeah.

- Man, he is on fire. - Yep.

(Dave) His career's kind of kicking

your career's ass a little bit, no?

(Jim) Well, I didn't know our careers were fighting.

You know what your problem is?

I don't care what you think?

- You got too many kids. - Got too many kids.

First you don't do that movie in Alaska

'cause you're afraid of being away from the germ factory

for more than five minutes and now this thing.

You know, I would've been in Alaska for three months

and the role I was offered had five lines.

- Priorities, Jim. - Hey.

Jim, where were you last week? Sales went down.

Yeah, the whole family had the stomach flu.

God, even hearing about your life makes me feel sick.

Don't make me lose my appetite before you buy me lunch, huh?

Have you ever thrown up while you had diarrhea?

Like, you're on the can and you're like, "Ugh."

You're still buying me lunch,

I'm just not eating it now.

Can't believe you're not going down there, man.

- You're getting soft. - Getting soft?

At this point I'm, like, half pillow. But you know what?

- My career is going great. - Okay.

I've been working on a new hour special.

It's coming along.

You know, it's gonna open opportunities. I can feel it.

What if Mulaney's special kicks its ass, though?

You know what I'm saying?

What is your obsession with Mulaney?

It's not an obsession.

I mean, you know, it's--

does Mulaney get more sleep than me?

- Yeah. - Probably, yeah.

Does Mulaney have more hair than me? Yeah.

Does Mulaney make more money than me? Yes.

Does Mulaney--

I should probably go to Australia.

Yeah.

Don't eat the samples.

Mulaney doesn't eat the samples.

(Daniel) Oh, Jim. Hey.

Hey.

Ooh. You're even more disheveled than normal.

You look like a smushed up loaf of Wonder Bread at the bottom

of a shopping cart.

Well. You look like an evil weatherman.

- What do you want? - Give this to Jeannie.

I'm not going up there. I can't afford

to get sick right now.

Like anyone can afford to get sick.

Finally, I'm rich enough to get the stomach flu.

- What is this? - It's organic tea tree oil.

Oh, thank God. Don't you hate the non-organic tea tree oil?

You know organic is just a grocery

store term for overpriced?

Jim, I don't have time for your

Joe Six-pack wisdom right now.

I'm on my way to get a massage.

Tell Jeannie I got that at

the Williamsburg farmer's market

that we used to go to every Saturday in college.

I won't tell her any of those things,

but I promise to throw this out when I get up there.

Okay.

[vacuum whirring]

What the hell happened in here?

Got an e-mail. They had an outbreak of lice

at the kids' school.

Again?

Wait, weren't our kids just home

all week with the stomach flu?

Everybody knows those lice

can jump, like, six blocks.

(Jim) No, everyone doesn't know that, Jeannie,

'cause I don't think that's true.

So, now all our kids have lice?

Well, we haven't actually found any yet,

but we should de-lice you.

(Blanca) You probably brought it back from an airplane.

That's crazy. I don't have lice.

I have three hairs on my head

and I just got my hair cut.

I need a nap.

I'm not getting de-liced.

Dave and these New York comedians

are going to the Melbourne Festival this year.

They're just gonna leave their life for a month?

Yeah. Dave thinks I should go.

Oh, yeah? Does Dave have five children?

He understands it's an investment in the future.

If I got into international stand-up markets,

I could actually afford to have five kids.

- What is that supposed to mean? - Never mind.

I don't know if I should go to the festival or not.

Why don't you ask God what you should do?

You know, I always forget to ask God career advice.

Hey, God. Should I go to Australia?

No answer, huh?

You know what, maybe he's a little busy

with the Middle East, Jeannie.

Okay. Sit still.

Do you see any lice?

No, but you might have the invisible ones.

All right, this is ridiculous.

- I'm gonna take a nap. - No, you can't!

The sheets have to be washed three times in hot water.

I'll just sleep on the mattress.

No, you can't! The invisible lice

are gonna get on the mattress and we're gonna get bedbugs.

That makes no sense!

I'm--I'm getting out of here.

I just got to wash this crap out of my hair.

[beatboxing]

(Blanca) Jim, can you watch Elizabeth

while I get the kids dressed, please?

- Venga, niños. - Fine.

Venga, niños.

Daddy, this my rubber ducky.

You can have it.

Thanks.

Daddy, why don't you have any hair?

Your mother pulls it out when I'm sleeping.

Something I haven't done for a month.

You have soap on your head.

[clattering]

[groans]

[splash]

Jeannie!

Oh, no.

"Oh, no?" You know what's on this laptop?

Everything!

My new hour set!

12 months of notes, gone.

- Okay. I'm sorry. - You're sorry?

This is my job.

This is our income.

I have one thing--

one thing in this overcrowded,

horrible apartment that's mine

and it's ruined.

Everything important in my life is on this laptop.

You don't back up everything on a hard drive?

(Jeannie) Jim, relax. They're just children.

No, there is too many children, Jeannie.

Oh, nice. Nice, Jim.

- Why don't you go take a walk? - Ja, to Canada.

Come here. You're okay. Come here.

[beatboxing]

(Father Nicholas) Jim. Where are you off to?

Since I can't nap in my own apartment,

I'm off to drown my sorrows in overpriced guacamole.

- Oh, you have a wonderful day. - Wonderful day?

This is the worst day of my life.

Well, do you want to come to the church and talk about it?

No, no, no, no. I'm not going in there.

That's where it all started.

What started?

The wedding and the baptism

and the four other baptisms.

- What? That's beautiful, Jim-- - No, it's not beautiful.

Because of your kooky religion,

my wife is so crazy

we already have five kids and it may never stop.

I-I-I know it's hard sometimes, Jim,

but deep down, you know what you value most in your heart.

- I will pray for you. - How about this for a prayer:

I wish I'd never gotten married

and had kids. How about that one?

Yeah, well, your camping jokes are better.

That one needs a lot of work.

Mrs. Gagliano!

["Call Me Maybe" playing quietly]

So call me maybe

Hey!

Hey!

(Steve) Hey. Hey.

Hey, man.

I really appreciate you helping me out there.

Whoa, you banged your head pretty hard

when those bikes ran you over.

Bloomberg and his stupid bikes.

You okay?

Your face looks really puffy.

No, that's just what I look like normally.

I-I-I got to get home.

Here, let me help you.

- Hey, are you, uh-- - Please, let me help you.

No, I-I-I'm fine.

Thanks.

You really went crazy with the cleaning this time.

(Dave) I'm the only one who cleans around here.

You got your half of the rent this month or what?

[beatboxing]

What are you doing here?

What? I don't go to D.C. until tomorrow.

No, no. What are you doing here?

In this general area? I don't know.

I like the couch.

Does my hair look different?

What? No.

It looks the same. Very Aryan.

- Whoo. - Jeannie--

Oh, I feel like I just lost ten pounds.

- P.S., you're out of spray. - Lovely.

Hey, hot pocket guy.

What the hell, Dave?

Get that girl out of here.

Why should I, man? You're the one who brought her home.

What? I've never seen her before,

and Jeannie would kill me if she saw her.

I'm going back to bed.

You coming? Hmm?

Awkward.

Okay.

- Where's Jeannie? - Who is this Jeannie?

- Where is Jeannie? - Who is Jeannie?

More importantly, where is my rent?

Have you been gambling again?

Everybody, come on out.

All right.

We had our fun.

Jim, are you tripping again?

You're in your 40s, man.

It's time for you to grow up.

This is ridiculous, all right?

This joke's over.

I'm--I'm gonna--I'm gonna--

I'm gonna go find Jeannie, all right?

You better go find some help, man. Seriously.

Or I'm gonna kick you out.

You! Steve Buscemi!

I'm not Steve Buscemi.

How hard did I hit my head?

You didn't hit your head.

You never got run over by those bikes

because you never married Jeannie.

Okay. You're not Steve Buscemi.

- You're a crazy guy. - I'm not crazy.

You know, I-I-I'll take it from here, whoever you are.

Thank you.

Father Nicholas.

You got to help me, please.

Yes, yes. Of course.

- How can I help? - I know I was out of line,

but you have to understand, the kids have been sick.

I haven't slept in a week,

and I-I was run over by a pack of hipsters on bikes.

- You okay? - Yeah, yeah, I mean,

Steve here-- or whatever his name is--

helped me get to my apartment,

and then I guess I was a jerk to Jeannie,

'cause she's made it look like Dave is my roommate.

- Dave is your roommate. - Dave is not my roommate.

Anyway, Jeannie and the kids are gone and now there's

some weird drunk lady in her underwear in my apartment.

- I can see why you are upset. - Right?

- Yes. - Do you know where she is?

- Who? - Jeannie?

- Who's Jeannie? - Who's Jeannie?

You know who Jeannie is.

How about this guy?

He doesn't know who Jeannie is.

He doesn't know Jeannie.

Would you stay out of this?

I don't know who you are.

I didn't invite you into this conversation.

- This guy is just crazy. - Mm.

- You know? - Mm-hmm.

Uh, my son, I do not know you,

but there's always a place for you here.

Are you hungry?

What? Yes. Always.

Okay.

I-I got to go.

I got to find someone who knows who I am.

[beatboxing]

What? Wait, wait.

Oh, sure. Now you come.

W-w-what happened?

It was always packed in here.

This is where I go for alone time away from my wife and kids.

(Steve) You don't need alone time away from your wife and kids.

You don't have a wife and kids.

All you have is alone time, Nathan.

- Jim. My name is Jim. - I'm sorry.

Nathan is the other guy I'm helping.

He's big, like you.

Helping? Who the hell are you?

I'm your fairy godmother.

Let's get you to the ball.

I'm your guardian angel!

What--my guardian angel is Steve Buscemi?

No, I just look like him.

It was either this or Whoopi Goldberg,

but she's in Ghost, and then it would be too confusing.

That would be confusing?

Maybe I am tripping.

All right, I'm getting to it.

Jesus.

Jim, you wished you didn't have a wife and kids,

so now you don't.

Okay, you're crazy.

[beatboxing]

Jeannie. Jeannie.

Kids.

Oh, uh, excuse me.

Sorry.

- Eve. - Yes?

Eve. Have you seen Jeannie and the kids?

- I-I got to find my kids. - Who are your kids?

You know, Mary, James, Elizabeth, Joseph, Maggie?

Wow, that's a lot of kids to lose.

Sorry, I don't know your kids.

They're-- they're in your school.

I don't have any kids by that name in my school.

I'm sorry. I hope you find 'em.

But--

[sad piano music]

You have to be careful what you wish for, Nathan.

Jim. My name is Jim.

Oh, right. Sorry.

So, I have no wife.

No kids.

My roommate is Dave Marks.

Am I still a comedian?

Oh, yes.

You are a comedian.

Let me show you.

H-how'd we end up here?

I'm an angel, you idiot.

(Blanca) Can all go to hell!

Blanca? W-wait.

This is my friend.

I don't know you!

But--

Blanca?

What?

[hard rock music]

[all gasp]

[music slows and stops]

(all) Oh, [bleep]!

(man) Oh, [bleep] yes!

Yo, keeping it real, man.

You the OGG, Original Gaffigan Gangsta.

- Gangsta. - Yo, man.

My mom [bleep] flipped her [bleep]

when she listened to your album,

Mom's Are Crazy Old [bleep].

Yo, Mom's Are Crazy Old [bleep],

that album is on fleek.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but the greatest album, though,

is [bleep] Are Crazy [bleep].

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- That was crazy. - What are they talking about?

"On fleek" is a compliment.

It started as a term for smooth eye--

That's not what I meant.

Yo, he's talking to himself.

He's probably tripping right now.

[all talking at once]

What is he doing?

Gilbert.

It's bad enough

you stole my dead baby jokes.

Did you have to steal

my September 11 bit too?

- What? - Roll me over there.

Oh, hey, Whitney. Oh, jeez.

- You're disgusting. - What?

For you to talk about my [bleep]

for 30 minutes on stage

like I would ever let you [bleep] my [bleep]?

I--you know, I never--

What is she talking about?

It wasn't your best moment.

- Just, no, don't. - No, you do--

You're dead to me.

[beatboxing]

Yo, where you going?

What happened?

Why does everyone think I'm so offensive?

Well, you never married Jeannie,

so she never encouraged you

to keep your jokes out of the gutter.

Hi, Nathan.

Would you leave me alone?

I don't need your help. My life is just fine.

You got it?

In fact, it's wonderful!

Who are you talking to?

Nobody. Let's get a drink.

- Steve. - I'm not Steve.

I want my old life back.

I miss Jeannie and the kids.

I don't care if me getting married and having five kids

means that I get no sleep and I lose all my hair and I get fat.

I just want my family back.

To be clear, you're fat in both situations.

Oh, you know what I mean.

Where's Jeannie? I got to find her.

Where is she?

I can't tell you that.

Just tell me where she is.

Tell me.

Tell me! Tell me where she is! Where is she?

- I-I-I-- - Where is Jeannie? Tell me!

You tell me where Jeannie is!

Macaulay,

the mental health crisis in this city is not good.

Wait, is that Drew Carey?

Tell me!

Drew Carey is way skinnier than that guy. This guy is a...

(Jim) Tell me where Jeannie is!

- Big fat blob. - Tell me!

Where is Jeannie?

S-she's closing up the library!

Oh, this library.

That's way worse than the library I thought you meant.

Jeannie works in this bar?

What about the kids?

Jeannie owns this bar and she never had kids.

But that's impossible.

Jeannie loves children.

We're closed.

Jeannie.

How do you know my name?

I-i-it's me.

Your husband, Jim.

My husband?

No, my husband's over there.

W-wait, is that Daniel?

This guy bothering you, baby?

You married Daniel?

Oh, my God.

Are you Jim Gaffigan?

Baby, it's Jim Gaffigan.

The stand-up comedian.

I love you.

You're so filthy, but you know what?

You started my love affair with food.

Jeannie,

what did you do to your hair?

- It looks like David Beckham's. - I like it.

All right, you better get out of here

or my husband's gonna kick your ass.

What's he gonna do? Sit on me?

You didn't marry Daniel,

you married me,

and I want it all back.

What the hell are you talking about?

Jeannie, I made a horrible mistake.

You made me a better person.

You made me a better comedian.

You--you made me believe in God.

Oh, of course.

Jesus freak.

Jeannie! I love you.

We have five beautiful children.

Children?

I hate children.

Hey, man.

Eh?

Whoa, you banged your head pretty hard

when those bikes ran you over.

Bloomberg and his stupid bikes.

Are you okay?

Your face is really puffy.

My face is puffy?

My face is puffy.

Elizabeth's ducky.

A-are you Steve Buscemi?

No. I'm Whoopi Goldberg.

Yeah, it's me.

You're Steve Buscemi!

You're Steve Buscemi!

Jeannie! Jeannie!

- Jeannie! Kids! - Hey, Jim.

Hi, daddy!

Where have you been?

I'm bald!

I'm bald!

Jim, what has gotten into you?

I had the craziest dream.

They let you and me do our own TV show.

Like that would ever happen.

And there were actors that played you and the kids

and our friends.

- That is crazy. - Yeah.

But you know what's even crazier?

- What? - They're all here right now.

Great first season, Jim and Jeannie.

It was "eh."

Well, I can't wait for the next season.

So much fun.

To Jim Gaffigan,

the fattest comedian on TV Land.

Aww.

(all) Should auld acquaintance be forgot

And never brought to mind

Should auld acquaintance be forgot

And auld lang syne

God bless us, everyone!

[all cheering]

[beatboxing]

[man scatting]

[man singing indistinctly]

[mellow jazzy music]