All language subtitles for The.Jim.Gaffigan.Show.S01E05_English

[man beatboxing]

[man humming and beatboxing]

(Jim)
Hey, everybody!

Daddy's home!

I thought you
weren't gonna be home

until this
afternoon.

I know, but I missed
my family so much,

I took an earlier flight.

So now I can spend all day
with my kids

having a super-great
daddy day!

[all cheering]

[indistinct TV chatter]

[door clicks open]

What are you
doing?

Oh, hey, honey.
Can you shut the door?

It's a little
loud out there.

Didn't you just
say something

about a super-great
daddy day,

like, six minutes ago?

Yeah, it's still
gonna happen.

I just want to rest up.
Give them my best.

I told you,
those are for the kids.

Do we really want them
eating this kind of stuff?

That's not good
parenting.

Okay. Come on.
You got to get up.

- Give me that. Stop!
- Uh!

Stop! No! Stop.

I go now,
Miss Jeannie.

She attacked me.

[laughs]

Blanca's husband
is coming home

from overseas today,
so we're on our own.

I've got a bunch
of errands to run,

so I need you to get up
and watch the kids.

- He is stay?
- Yeah.

- He watch the kids?
- Yeah.

Oh, no. I stay.

No, but your husband!

You haven't seen him
in almost a year.

I see him later.

No let mister
stay with the babies.

Porque van
a estar muertos.

You know
I'm right here.

He's gordo.

They get in the bed with him.

He roll over. They die.

Gordo means
handsome, right?

- No.
- Uh-huh.

You know what?
Just go home.

You enjoy your time
with your husband, okay?

And thank him
for his service.

[speaking Spanish]

You're gonna
just let her

flirt with me
like that?

[laughs]

- Oh.
- So sticky.

[cell phone ringing]

- Hey, Dave.
- What are you doing?

I'm in the middle
of a super great daddy day

- with my children.
- That's great.

I need you to come
to Cafe Gitane right now.

It's very important.

For the last time,

that barista
is not Macaulay Culkin.

No, it most definitely is,
but that's not what this

is about;
now get over here.

What does he want?

He wants me to come
to Cafe Gitane.

- Oh. You're not going.
- I can't go.

[sighing and grumbling]

Oh! You're going!

- Apparently, I'm going.
- Okay. Good.

- I'll see you soon.
- Bye. Wait.

Why am I going?

I have to drop
a copy of Elizabeth's

birth certificate
off at the church.

If you met Dave,
you could do it for me.

But--but--but--but--

but what about my
super-great daddy day?

[kids screaming and laughing]

Why don't we just e-mail it?

Doesn't e-mail
seem a little impersonal?

Yeah.
That's the idea.

I look forward
to the elimination

of all interpersonal
communication.

It will take you five minutes.

- Fine.
- Oh!

As long as you're
going out,

you can drop
these cupcakes off

at the kids'
preschool for me.

[grumbling]

Why don't we
just drop it off

with the kids at the school
in the morning?

Because then we'd have
cupcakes in the house overnight.

Right, and the kids
will eat 'em.

Really?
The denial runs that deep?

You have no idea.

[kids screaming and laughing]

Oh, my--what flavor
are these?

They're vegan.

That's not a flavor.

That's just a cruel
trick on a kid.

When you're done,
I need you to come right home

because I've got to run out

and do something
really important.

Well, if I'm going out,
why don't I just do it?

- What do you need?
- No, it's okay.

It's something
I'd prefer to do myself.

You don't think
I can handle it.

No. That's not it.

It's just something
I have to hand-deliver.

It's not divorce
papers, is it?

It's Mary's application
to St. Faustina's.

Yeah?

The most prestigious
Catholic girls' school

in Manhattan.

And, what, they don't
accept deliveries

from good-looking men?

Daniel's getting us
in there anyway.

Well, Daniel's mother
is an invaluable reference,

but we still have to make
a good impression.

All right.

Oh, my God.
Is that guy gonna jump?

I'm gonna do it.

Okay.

It's on the Upper
East Side.

Two trains?

I'll still do it.

[laughing]

So tell me
everything you're doing.

Jeannie, come on.
I'm not a child.

What was the second thing?

I'm kidding!

When I come back,
super-great daddy day!

- Jim.
- Yeah?

Cupcakes.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

[sighs]

- I eat these?
- No!

[beatboxing]

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, Dave.

Oh, Jim! That's...

Oh, that is totally...

We were just talking--
we were just talking about you.

That's why
I love New York,

'cause it's
so crazy random.

Jim Gaffigan,
this is Roxie Harper.

Roxie, this is Jim.

Oh, hey.
It's great to meet you.

Hello.

So Roxie and I
were just having

a very heated
discussion--

a little bit
of an argument--

because a friend of hers
thought she saw me

at a club last night
with another woman,

but, as I've been trying
to explain to her,

that other woman
is your girlfriend.

Yes.

That--that--that woman
was my girlfriend.

- Well, if you'll excuse me...
- Hold on.

Aren't you married
with tons of kids?

Yes.

But you have
a girlfriend

who was at a club
with Dave last night.

Ye--

Well, Jim--Jim and I
were--were--

were at the club last night
with--with his girlfriend,

when, suddenly, his wife
comes storming in--

his wife
is an abusive drunk--

and Jim runs out right before
his wife attacks him.

Just comp--
just beats him.

Wait.
Your wife beats you?

Yeah.

It's--it's taken me
a long time to admit it,

but my wife beats me.

Oh, is that why
your face is so puffy?

This is--this
is a private conversation.

- Well, it was great to--
- Excuse me, sir.

You can't have
outside food in here.

It--I'm not--
I'm not staying.

Hmm-hmm.

What?

No, he--I didn't--

he thought you were...

I didn't think you were.

I mean, unless you are.

[upbeat a cappella music]

[upbeat a cappella music]

- Hello.
- Mr. Gaffigan.

- Yeah.
- Hi.

It's so nice to finally
see you in here.

Well, no,
I've been here before.

- I was here--
- No.

- Well, it was--
- Oh, that time.

- Yeah. Last year.
- Right.

Well, thank you
so much for these.

They're vegan?

Uh, yep. No meat.

No milk. No joy.

[laughs]

Okay.
Well, you know...

Before you go,
I want to give you

some of James's
artwork.

He did a very
creative drawing.

Oh. Okay.

- That.
- Oh, wow.

What--that's a--
what is that?

That's a tiny
little--is that

a caterpillar, or...

It's your penis.

My penis.
My son drew my--

he--I--he's
never seen it.

Don't be embarrassed.

We encourage the children
to express themselves.

And last week,
we read a very sweet book

about the difference
between boys and girls.

- James made a connection.
- Okay.

And he even inspired
some of the other kids.

Emily Chen
drew her vagina.

- All right. You know, I--
- Look at that.

The wi--the depth
and the perspective.

The field of vision
is really--

I'm starting to worry this
is all part of a sting, so...

Very much advanced
for her age.

It's not--look.
Stop it.

You take this home.

You display it
with pride

as you would any
of your children's artwork.

Why wouldn't you put that
on the refrigerator?

Well, um, I don't want
the babysitter

to think we're asking her
to buy more hot dogs.

[laughs]

You feed your kids
hot dogs.

Of course not.
No.

Never.
I wouldn't.

Hi, Mrs. Chen!

- Hi, Emily!
- Hi.

You know, I didn't
really see anything.

I was just showing him
some of your artwork.

[beatboxing]

God bless you. Hi.

Oh, Jim.

Welcome back to town.

You must've been
on a big tour.

Why would you
think that?

I have not seen you
at mass.

Oh. You know what?

The thing is,
is I, uh...

I--you know,

a lot of the services
I've been going to

are not the ones
that you've been servicing.

Oh, so you've been going
to the 11:00.

Yeah, I love that one.
That's good.

Oh, I did not know
you spoke Chinese.

Some, you know.
Not--you know, a little bit.

You know, can I--I just
wanted to drop this off.

That's the--Elizabeth's
birth certificate

for the thing you need
the birth certificate for.

Yes, the Good Shepherd
program.

- Yeah.
- I would have preferred e-mail.

Well, Jeannie wanted
to e-mail it, but I was like,

"You know what?
Let's bring it in."

Anyway, you know,
I'll see you.

- Take care.
- I'll see you Sunday.

Sunday?
What's Sunday?

Oh, you mean here.
Yeah.

I mean,
I'm definitely...

probably.

Okay.

[beatboxing]

Deliveries are
on 84th street.

I--I--I'm not here
for a delivery.

Oh, AA meeting's
next door.

The--I'm--I'm here
to drop off this

for the admissions
office.

You're a comic,
ain't you?

Uh, yeah.

- I saw you once.
- Oh, yeah?

You called my girlfriend
a whore.

No--what--no.

I--I would never--
you have me

confused for someone else.

Oh, yeah.
Yeah, it was you.

We were at the Gotham
Comedy Club.

Yeah, we were heckling,
like you're supposed to.

You're actually
not supposed to.

And you couldn't
handle it,

and you called her
a fat whore.

That--that was not me.

It was her birthday, too,

and her sister had just died
three years earlier.

[sighs]

You should not have called her
a fat, dumb whore.

I--I didn't.

Have you seen my act?

I talk about bacon,
you know.

Bacon's so good,
even the frying of bacon

sounds like applause,
like,

"Ahhh! Yay, bacon!"

It's funnier

when I'm holding
a microphone.

Can you just
make sure that gets

to where it's
supposed to go?

Can I get
a picture?

Um, uh, sure.
Okay.

Do you want me
to come ar--

[camera shutter clicks]

- All right.
- Thanks.

All right.
Thanks.

[upbeat a cappella music]

(Jeannie)
Okay, guys. Shoes off.

Coats off--you guys,
where are you going?

Jim, I told you,
those are for the kids.

Oh, you mean our kids?

I wish you'd
been more specific.

[bags rustling]

[indistinct TV chatter]

Look at that.

Do you think it takes
them a long time

to get them
in their outfits?

[muffled laughter on TV]

Captain Ahab, I found
the great white whale.

I consider the whale
the eagle of the ocean.

You look like a dead
marshmallow, Jim.

You look like every bad guy
on Downton Abbey.

[indistinct chatter]

This is a good episode.

I've seen this one.

You watch Paw Patrol?

What happened to your
super-great daddy day?

Yeah, but, you know,
I took off my pants, and...

What'd you guys get?

Oh.

Daniel said I needed
a new outfit

for the interview
at St. Faustina's.

Jim, you dress this woman
like a bag lady.

She has no
nice clothes.

At least, no nice clothes
without drool on them.

I only drooled
on her once.

I got you
some new ties.

I have to wear a tie?

It's gonna look strange
with my hoodie.

Jim, that is not funny.
I'm not smiling.

- I'm not laughing.
- Okay.

Daniel picked these out
for you.

Oh, great.

[paper rustling]

We need you to look

a little bit
more conservative.

How do you look
more conservative

than a pale white guy?

Jeannie, this is gonna
be a disaster.

We need to figure out
what he is gonna say

in the interview
so he doesn't embarrass me.

[in Southern accent]
Should I walk

on my hands and feet,

or should I just
kind of scoot in there?

I ain't never
been outside before.

Do I have to wear
pantalones?

Do you have any idea
what I've gone through

to secure that letter
of recommendation

from my mother?

If it weren't for my
heartfelt concern

for your daughter's
education--

my goddaughter--
let's not pretend

that little Molly
would have any chance

of getting
into that school.

Thank you,
but her name's Mary.

Whatever; just don't

blow the interview
by being you.

All right.
I have to go.

I am meeting Mother
for afternoon tea

at the Pembroke Room.

(Jeannie)
Mm.

I hope you're happy.

Well, he was in a good mood.

Why does everyone
think I can't handle

a simple task?

I ran all
your errands today.

And no one died.
You're welcome.

Thank you.
I mean it.

Oh, my God.

You got to see
the drawing that James did

at the hippie school;
I picked it up.

Oh, yeah?
What did James draw?

My penis.

That's not funny, Jim.

- Jim!
- Don't get mad at me.

It's not like
I posed for it.

Okay, that's
kind of funny.

Where is it?

It's in my
green jacket.

By the way,
that Chen family seems weird.

Jim!

This is the application
for St. Faustina's.

Well, um...is there
anything else in that pocket?

No!

This...this could be bad.

[beatboxing]

Where's my penis?

Let me get this straight.

You marched into an all-girls
Catholic School,

and you handed them
a picture of your penis.

First of all,
it's not a picture.

It's a drawing.

An interpretation
of my penis.

Obviously, he's
never seen it,

'cause he drew it
way too small.

You're not funny!
Jim!

You're not funny.

Did he put
his name on it?

Well, not on it.
That would've been...

- Jim.
- Yes.

His name--our name--

was in the lower
left-hand corner.

That he made nice and big.

Wh--wh--what
are you doing?

I have to go
to St. Faustina's right now!

I have to get this application
in before today's deadline.

Jeannie, you know--
you know, I'm sorry!

There was just all these
different forms and...

It's fine.
It's my fault.

I knew I should've
done this myself.

We just have to pray
tomorrow's not a total disaster.

What's tomorrow?

Our interview
at the school!

- Right. Right. Right.
- First thing in the morning.

No, no, I--
I remember that.

I--I knew about that part.

But...yeah.

- Jeannie.
- What?

If you're going
to the Upper East Side,

can you swing by
Tal Bagels?

Onion?

You like Tal Bagels!

I was joking.

Onion!

That's a yes, right?

[beatboxing]

Hello.

We're here to meet
with Mrs. Keveny.

Second floor. 216.

Thanks.

Your penis
better not come up

during this interview.

You know
what I mean.

I'm so sorry
I haven't been able

to spend more time
with your application.

[laughs]

Uh, oh, I see here
a recommendation

from Gloria Benjamin.

Yes, we're friends
with her son Daniel.

Gloria's a handful.

[laughs]

Well, her son's two handfuls.

But an important benefactor.

You know,
handfuls of good stuff.

You know?
I like that guy.

I see here you're
a stand-up comedian.

I didn't know that.

Oh, don't worry.

A lot of people
don't know that.

[laughs]

[clears throat]

I--I went
to a comedy club

with my husband once,
but the language was so raw.

Oh, well, Jim doesn't work
that way at all, Mrs. Keveny.

His act is very clean.

(Jeannie)
Totally family-friendly.

Yeah, you could bring
your mom to my show.

My mother has been dead
for quite a few years.

Well, some of the crowds I've
played, they're not exactly--

I mean, she'd fit right in
'cause they're dead.

Sorry.

Most of the parents here
are investment bankers.

It would be nice to have one
with a career in the arts.

- We love the arts.
- Yeah. We really do.

I--you know,
I love the arts.

I'm always taking my kids
to museums, like the Met.

Oh, how nice.
We're just across the street.

- From what?
- The Met.

Oh, yeah. That Met.
Yeah. Yeah.

That one's my--
one of my favorites.

Uh, you know, great
paintings there, right?

What sort of paintings
do you like?

Uh, you know,
I like, um...

I waver, you know.

I'm always changing,
you know.

I go in there and I just
get some inspiration.

I like the blurry ones.

You know,
where it's kind of blurry,

where you're like,
"Oh, maybe this guy

didn't have his glasses on
when he was painting it."

Love those.

But mostly, I love--
I like the landscape stuff,

where it's like, "Oh,
that's France 200 years ago."

Or, like, there's a battle,
and these guys are about to die.

That's interesting,
but I like the portraits.

The sad, ugly Europeans.

You know, kind of like,
"Hey, you're hard on the eyes.

Can I do your portrait?"

That kind of thing.

Like Monet. Love him.

[quietly]
Or her.

Mr. and Mrs. Gaffigan,

I do have one question
about your application.

Oh, did we miss
something?

Oh, no.
The application is fine.

It's what you submitted
along with it.

You know what?
[stammering]

That's my fault.

You--you shouldn't
have seen that.

No one should
have to see that.

I mean, I'm forced to,
but our son James

goes to this
progressive school

on the Lower East Side.

Not a good school
like this.

It's a birth certificate.

(both)
What?

It isn't even Mary's.

Elizabeth is her sister,
I'm assuming.

Right--you know,
with five children

- to look after...
- Five Catholic children!

These mix-ups
are bound to happen.

Not that we're overwhelmed.
We're not. I--you know.

At least I'm not
overwhelmed.

Yeah, she's not.

[knocking]

Mrs. Keveny, I am so
sorry to interrupt.

- Excuse me.
- No problem.

Uh, can I speak with you
in private for a moment?

(Mrs. Keveny)
Certainly.

Will you excuse me,
Mr. and Mrs. Gaffigan?

Of course.

Yes!

Well, you--eeh!
You never know.

I mean, it's--

Jim, are you
kidding?

I mean, sure, maybe
bringing up

her dead mother
was a misstep,

but other than that,
we've got five kids.

You're kind of
in the arts.

Kind of?

They'd be crazy
not to take us.

Look, there might
be stuff about us,

or you, that they
don't like.

For example?

Off the top of my head,
say they thought

you were an alcoholic
who beat me.

That sort of thing.

What are you
talking about?

I'm afraid,
Mr. and Mrs. Gaffigan,

we're going to have to end
this interview.

My wife would never hit me.

Nev--well,
yesterday she did,

but, you know,
she doesn't--

I mean, she's--she
does it occasionally,

but never in the face.

I mean,
one time at a luau,

but she was really drunk.

It's not like
she drinks that--

it was free rum.

You know, how
are you gonna turn--

You know what?
We're against violence.

You'll really
have to excuse me.

I've been called
to an urgent meeting

by the headmaster.

Should we come back
another time?

That won't
be necessary.

You're both
delightful people,

and barring any
unforeseen circumstance,

I think I can
safely welcome you

to the St. Faustina's family.

Nothing.

It's totally fine.

[laughing]
Nothing.

Oh, Jim!

[squealing]
That was unbelievable!

We did it!

You didn't even
embarrass Daniel.

It could've gone wrong
so many times,

but you know what?

I was good.
I was good.

You know, like, when I
talked about the Met.

- That was good.
- The Met thing wasn't good.

(woman)
That's him!

- Who's that?
- I don't know.

Remember me,
funny boy,

from the comedy club?

You owe me
an apology,

you fat pumpkin-head.

Don't call my husband
a pumpkin-head.

- Well, what about fat?
- Oh, he can dish it out,

but he can't take a dose
of his own medicine?

Just like you couldn't
handle the heckling.

- You're not supposed to heckle.
- You heckled?

You called me a dumb,
fat, ugly bitch!

I thought
it was "whore."

I am gonna
kick your ass!

I'm gonna
kick your ass!

I'll kick your ass,
you skinny bitch!

[all speaking at once]

I can take her!
I can take her! Stop it!

[all shouting]

They seemed like
such a nice couple.

(woman)
I didn't want to say
anything before,

but she's a violent drunk
and beats him.

That explains
the puffy face.

Oh, this is sweet.

Not as sweet as the way
you went Real Housewives

on that crazy lady today;
that was sweet.

I'm guessing
our daughter

will not be going
to St. Faustina's.

I think once
the cops showed up,

it didn't matter
how conservative my tie was.

Hey, I want
to apologize

for getting so upset
yesterday.

You were trying to help,

and that's more
than most dads do.

Well, it's more than you do.

[laughs]

I should probably
apologize about today,

but I can't 'cause
it was all your fault.

Feels good to say that.

Is this how you feel
all the time?

Let's get the kids
to bed.

No, you know what?
Let me do it.

You should probably
soak your knuckles.

Thanks.

Good night,
pumpkin-head.

[indistinct TV chatter]

That's my
fudgicle, Daddy.

Shh. You ate yours.

Don't you remember?
Go back to sleep.

You're dreaming.

Mmm.

Go, Paw Patrol. Go.

Before I deliver
today's homily,

I just want to acknowledge
my new friend, Jim Gaffigan.

He gave me this beautiful
drawing of a very tiny,

small tower standing
in the middle of a field

of curly brown wheat,

a childlike,
but profound, symbol

of peace
and humility.

I liked it so much
that I had it printed

on the cover of the new
church bulletin.

Why don't we
pass these around

so we can all
enjoy it?

[beatboxing]

[man scatting]

[man singing indistinctly]

[mellow jazzy music]