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1
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[man beatboxing]
2
00:00:17,200 --> 00:00:21,600
3
00:00:21,600 --> 00:00:24,800
[man humming and beatboxing]
4
00:00:24,800 --> 00:00:33,030
5
00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:34,333
Hey, everybody!
6
00:00:34,333 --> 00:00:36,403
- Daddy!
- Hi.
7
00:00:36,400 --> 00:00:38,000
(Blanca)
Oh, look, your daddy.
8
00:00:38,000 --> 00:00:40,570
Okay, everybody, head
into the bedroom with Blanca.
9
00:00:40,567 --> 00:00:41,627
I need to speak with Daddy.
10
00:00:41,633 --> 00:00:44,333
Uh-oh, somebody's in trouble.
11
00:00:44,333 --> 00:00:45,973
What? Nobody's in trouble.
12
00:00:45,967 --> 00:00:47,567
What are you talking about?
13
00:00:47,567 --> 00:00:50,497
Okay, what did you do?
14
00:00:50,500 --> 00:00:52,900
Yeah, I find it insulting
that just
15
00:00:52,900 --> 00:00:54,030
because I went to Vegas...
16
00:00:54,033 --> 00:00:55,233
Tell me what you did.
17
00:00:55,233 --> 00:00:57,233
How about,
"Welcome home, honey"?
18
00:00:57,233 --> 00:00:58,733
I flew across country,
19
00:00:58,733 --> 00:01:02,603
sat on a plane
for 4 1/2 hours, working.
20
00:01:02,600 --> 00:01:05,370
What did you do, Jim?
21
00:01:05,367 --> 00:01:07,067
All right, full disclosure,
22
00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:09,067
I was watching Storage Wars,
but it was interesting.
23
00:01:09,067 --> 00:01:12,427
No, not on the airplane.
What did you do in Vegas?
24
00:01:12,433 --> 00:01:14,673
Well, I landed
at McCarran yesterday.
25
00:01:14,667 --> 00:01:16,067
I ran into Carrot Top.
26
00:01:16,067 --> 00:01:18,627
- He's so nice.
- Not in the airport.
27
00:01:18,633 --> 00:01:20,073
What did you do in Vegas?
28
00:01:21,367 --> 00:01:22,767
[sighs]
29
00:01:24,533 --> 00:01:27,173
Maybe you should sit down.
30
00:01:27,167 --> 00:01:28,267
I knew it.
31
00:01:28,267 --> 00:01:29,397
Jeannie...
32
00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:35,300
I am a weak,
weak man.
33
00:01:35,300 --> 00:01:36,970
Oh, my God, Jim,
what did you do?
34
00:01:36,967 --> 00:01:39,697
Wait, let me explain.
35
00:01:41,967 --> 00:01:45,067
I never thought something
like this could happen
36
00:01:45,067 --> 00:01:46,467
to a guy like me.
37
00:01:46,467 --> 00:01:48,697
I went right back
to my hotel room
38
00:01:48,700 --> 00:01:50,570
after my show at the Mirage.
39
00:01:50,567 --> 00:01:51,897
(Jeannie)
Were you drinking?
40
00:01:51,900 --> 00:01:53,530
(Jim)
Of course I wasn't drinking.
41
00:01:54,667 --> 00:01:57,567
Honestly, I couldn't sleep.
42
00:01:57,567 --> 00:02:00,427
So believe it or not,
Jeannie, I grabbed the Bible,
43
00:02:00,433 --> 00:02:01,933
and I started reading it,
44
00:02:01,933 --> 00:02:04,503
and frankly I enjoyed it,
particularly Job,
45
00:02:04,500 --> 00:02:06,200
'cause he had everything,
46
00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:09,600
and then God took away most
of it and then even more.
47
00:02:09,600 --> 00:02:11,670
(Jeannie)
Just get to the point,
Jim, please.
48
00:02:11,667 --> 00:02:13,927
(Jim)
Suddenly there was a knock
at the door.
49
00:02:13,933 --> 00:02:14,903
[knocking]
50
00:02:16,700 --> 00:02:19,900
[Black Velvet by Alannah Myles
playing]
51
00:02:19,900 --> 00:02:22,600
52
00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:24,970
And there, right in front of me,
53
00:02:24,967 --> 00:02:28,197
was the most gorgeous,
54
00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:30,070
beautiful,
55
00:02:30,067 --> 00:02:32,227
luscious
56
00:02:32,233 --> 00:02:34,303
red velvet cake
I've ever seen.
57
00:02:34,300 --> 00:02:37,670
(Myles)
Black velvet
and that little boy's smile
58
00:02:37,667 --> 00:02:38,697
(Jim)
I told the waiter,
59
00:02:38,700 --> 00:02:39,930
who was a nice guy,
60
00:02:39,933 --> 00:02:41,303
"No, thank you.
61
00:02:41,300 --> 00:02:44,370
I'm not gonna eat a cake
after 11:00 at night,"
62
00:02:44,367 --> 00:02:46,067
and then he explained
that the cake
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00:02:46,067 --> 00:02:48,867
was a gift from a group of nuns
from New Mexico
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00:02:48,867 --> 00:02:52,097
that are allowed
out once a year,
65
00:02:52,100 --> 00:02:53,330
and they came to my show,
66
00:02:53,333 --> 00:02:54,803
and they made this cake
67
00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:57,800
because they said
I was very Christ-like.
68
00:02:57,800 --> 00:03:00,070
I don't want the reputation
for being ungrateful,
69
00:03:00,067 --> 00:03:02,297
but still,
I didn't want the cake,
70
00:03:02,300 --> 00:03:04,200
and then I went to bed.
71
00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:06,500
And then what?
72
00:03:06,500 --> 00:03:07,770
Then I got up.
73
00:03:07,767 --> 00:03:11,127
I got the cake,
and I ate a piece.
74
00:03:11,133 --> 00:03:13,173
It was a gift from nuns.
75
00:03:13,167 --> 00:03:14,427
You only ate one piece?
76
00:03:14,433 --> 00:03:17,503
Yeah.
Okay, I ate two pieces.
77
00:03:17,500 --> 00:03:20,070
I ate half the cake.
78
00:03:20,067 --> 00:03:22,797
But then I put the cake
in the hall,
79
00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:25,370
and I locked the door,
80
00:03:25,367 --> 00:03:26,927
and I ate the rest
in the morning.
81
00:03:26,933 --> 00:03:31,603
(Myles)
If you please
82
00:03:31,600 --> 00:03:33,430
It sat out in the hall
all night,
83
00:03:33,433 --> 00:03:35,503
and then you ate it?
84
00:03:35,500 --> 00:03:38,900
I--I saw it as a sign.
85
00:03:38,900 --> 00:03:40,500
Jeannie, I woke up
in the morning,
86
00:03:40,500 --> 00:03:44,270
and it was there
in the hallway taunting me.
87
00:03:44,267 --> 00:03:45,667
Oh, my God.
88
00:03:45,667 --> 00:03:46,727
It was red velvet.
89
00:03:46,733 --> 00:03:48,233
You know that's my kryptonite.
90
00:03:48,233 --> 00:03:50,073
Yeah, but you're not Superman.
91
00:03:50,067 --> 00:03:52,267
You're a guy who ate
a hall cake.
92
00:03:52,267 --> 00:03:54,627
What's wrong with eating
something from a hall?
93
00:03:54,633 --> 00:03:57,433
You know, the army,
they eat in a mess hall.
94
00:03:57,433 --> 00:03:58,733
You don't support
the troops, huh?
95
00:03:58,733 --> 00:04:00,703
Jim, stop defending yourself.
96
00:04:00,700 --> 00:04:03,070
You ate an entire cake.
97
00:04:03,067 --> 00:04:04,097
So I ate a cake.
98
00:04:04,100 --> 00:04:06,070
Who hasn't eaten a cake, huh?
99
00:04:06,067 --> 00:04:08,597
Me! I've never eaten
a whole cake.
100
00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:09,930
Jim, you're rationalizing.
101
00:04:09,933 --> 00:04:12,303
Oh, you're in denial.
Watch this.
102
00:04:12,300 --> 00:04:14,230
Blanca, have you ever
eaten a whole cake?
103
00:04:14,233 --> 00:04:15,373
No.
104
00:04:15,367 --> 00:04:16,797
Well, what about a flan?
105
00:04:16,800 --> 00:04:18,300
Flan is not a cake.
106
00:04:18,300 --> 00:04:20,630
Yeah, and a quesadilla's
not Mexican pizza.
107
00:04:20,633 --> 00:04:22,833
I don't need
to communicate this to her.
108
00:04:22,833 --> 00:04:24,903
We all rationalize, Jeannie.
109
00:04:24,900 --> 00:04:28,070
When are you gonna admit you
have a problem with overeating?
110
00:04:28,067 --> 00:04:30,297
That's my act.
In my act, I'm an overeater.
111
00:04:30,300 --> 00:04:32,770
In real-life
I'm just a regular old guy
112
00:04:32,767 --> 00:04:35,397
who happened
to eat a little cake.
113
00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:36,870
All right, it was a big cake,
114
00:04:36,867 --> 00:04:38,567
but it's not
like I ate two cakes.
115
00:04:38,567 --> 00:04:39,627
I ate one cake!
116
00:04:39,633 --> 00:04:40,773
It's not just the cake, Jim.
117
00:04:40,767 --> 00:04:42,127
It's everything.
118
00:04:42,133 --> 00:04:44,633
You were banned
from Big Gay Ice Cream.
119
00:04:44,633 --> 00:04:45,733
From the truck.
120
00:04:45,733 --> 00:04:47,233
I can go to any of the shops,
121
00:04:47,233 --> 00:04:50,403
and everyone knows that guy
in the truck is a jerk
122
00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:52,070
and probably not even gay.
123
00:04:52,067 --> 00:04:54,067
You have a six-month
old daughter.
124
00:04:54,067 --> 00:04:56,967
Don't you want to be
at her wedding?
125
00:04:56,967 --> 00:04:58,427
Is there gonna be cake there?
126
00:04:58,433 --> 00:05:00,073
I'm kidding.
127
00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:03,067
I can't help you
if you can't help yourself.
128
00:05:03,067 --> 00:05:04,297
- Hi, Blanca.
- Hi.
129
00:05:04,300 --> 00:05:05,870
- Hi, Jeannie.
- Hi.
130
00:05:05,867 --> 00:05:08,067
Jim, you look like you just
ate an entire cake.
131
00:05:08,067 --> 00:05:09,267
He did.
132
00:05:09,267 --> 00:05:10,797
What are you doing here?
133
00:05:10,800 --> 00:05:13,730
Jeannie, I know we had plans
tonight to look at the
134
00:05:13,733 --> 00:05:14,903
Sunday open house listings.
135
00:05:14,900 --> 00:05:16,400
I have to cancel.
Why?
136
00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:17,900
I'm glad you asked.
137
00:05:17,900 --> 00:05:20,070
I've been invited
to an exclusive dinner party
138
00:05:20,067 --> 00:05:21,927
at the home of a very famous
celebrity couple.
139
00:05:21,933 --> 00:05:24,773
Don't ask me who.
I cannot say.
140
00:05:24,767 --> 00:05:26,627
All right, I'll tell you.
141
00:05:26,633 --> 00:05:28,703
It's John Legend and Chrissy
Teigen, but don't tell a soul.
142
00:05:28,700 --> 00:05:29,830
It's so tacky to name-drop.
143
00:05:29,833 --> 00:05:31,733
How did you score
that invite?
144
00:05:31,733 --> 00:05:34,533
I got invited
by their decorator,
145
00:05:34,533 --> 00:05:37,133
aka my soul mate.
146
00:05:37,133 --> 00:05:40,173
Soul mate? I've never even
heard of this guy.
147
00:05:40,167 --> 00:05:42,067
Clancy and I met
at the Prada sample sale.
148
00:05:42,067 --> 00:05:43,667
We were reaching
for the same scarf.
149
00:05:43,667 --> 00:05:45,097
It was very Lady and the Tramp.
150
00:05:45,100 --> 00:05:46,770
Which one were you?
151
00:05:46,767 --> 00:05:49,497
He's a decorator, so turns out
we know all the same people.
152
00:05:49,500 --> 00:05:52,330
It's perfect. We can open up
a little firm together.
153
00:05:52,333 --> 00:05:53,533
We can adopt a kid,
154
00:05:53,533 --> 00:05:55,233
spend way too much time
in the Hamptons,
155
00:05:55,233 --> 00:05:56,873
because, quite frankly,
Clancy and I
156
00:05:56,867 --> 00:05:58,427
are getting a little sick
of the city.
157
00:05:58,433 --> 00:05:59,433
Daniel, you're doing it again.
158
00:05:59,433 --> 00:06:01,073
No, I am not.
No, no.
159
00:06:01,067 --> 00:06:03,227
Jeannie, this is different.
This is totally different.
160
00:06:03,233 --> 00:06:05,733
Yeah, this time the guy's name
is Clancy,
161
00:06:05,733 --> 00:06:07,133
which is a dog's name
by the way.
162
00:06:07,133 --> 00:06:08,773
Just be careful.
163
00:06:08,767 --> 00:06:10,597
Hey, didn't the last guy
steal your passport?
164
00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:12,070
He's coming back.
165
00:06:12,067 --> 00:06:13,627
Well, it's gonna
be awkward for you and Clancy.
166
00:06:13,633 --> 00:06:16,203
Oh, by the way, do you guys
still have that bottle of wine
167
00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:17,600
I got you for Christmas?
168
00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:18,900
- Yeah, it's right over there.
- Oh, good.
169
00:06:18,900 --> 00:06:20,130
I hope you don't mind.
170
00:06:20,133 --> 00:06:22,133
I'm gonna
take this to the party.
171
00:06:22,133 --> 00:06:25,703
It's a very good bottle
of 2004 Colgin Cellars.
172
00:06:25,700 --> 00:06:27,630
No offense;
It's wasted on you two.
173
00:06:27,633 --> 00:06:29,203
[in Southern accent]
And no offense taken.
174
00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:30,900
I couldn't even get
that darn thing open.
175
00:06:30,900 --> 00:06:33,070
Tried to open it with my teeth.
Wouldn't work.
176
00:06:33,067 --> 00:06:35,427
It's funny 'cause it's true.
Bye.
177
00:06:35,433 --> 00:06:37,473
Bye. Have fun at your party.
178
00:06:37,467 --> 00:06:40,267
I'll say "hi" to Chrissy
Teigen for both of you.
179
00:06:42,067 --> 00:06:46,397
So the entire time
you were dating him, no idea?
180
00:06:46,400 --> 00:06:47,870
Oh, that reminds me.
181
00:06:47,867 --> 00:06:50,127
One of us has to bring Elizabeth
to a birthday party.
182
00:06:50,133 --> 00:06:51,903
Oh, cool.
When are you going?
183
00:06:51,900 --> 00:06:55,370
It's tomorrow morning
in Central Park at 8:00 a.m.
184
00:06:55,367 --> 00:06:56,667
[chuckles]
185
00:06:56,667 --> 00:06:59,667
A Saturday morning
birthday party at 8:00 a.m.?
186
00:06:59,667 --> 00:07:01,697
Who's throwing it, Al Qaeda?
187
00:07:01,700 --> 00:07:03,630
I got three shows tonight.
You got to go.
188
00:07:03,633 --> 00:07:05,133
Okay, no problem,
189
00:07:05,133 --> 00:07:07,403
and then you can bring
the other four kids to the YMCA
190
00:07:07,400 --> 00:07:10,330
at 8:30 a.m.
for swimming lessons.
191
00:07:10,333 --> 00:07:13,603
This is why I didn't want
to have kids.
192
00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:17,600
All right, fine, I'll go to
the stupid, dumb birthday party.
193
00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:20,070
Oh, you know what,
given your recent cake incident,
194
00:07:20,067 --> 00:07:21,697
maybe I should take the party.
195
00:07:21,700 --> 00:07:23,070
What, are you worried
that I'm gonna
196
00:07:23,067 --> 00:07:25,097
eat the kid's birthday cake?
197
00:07:25,100 --> 00:07:27,070
I didn't get out of cake rehab.
198
00:07:27,067 --> 00:07:29,227
You know what, I want to go
to the birthday party.
199
00:07:29,233 --> 00:07:31,333
Jeannie, I would like
to spend some quality time
200
00:07:31,333 --> 00:07:33,073
with my daughter.
201
00:07:33,067 --> 00:07:35,827
You don't want to go to that
birthday party tomorrow, do you?
202
00:07:35,833 --> 00:07:38,103
Yay! Zoe's party!
203
00:07:38,100 --> 00:07:41,070
Do you like that girl?
She seemed rather aloof.
204
00:07:41,067 --> 00:07:43,267
She's not the one that pooped
in the ball pit, is she?
205
00:07:43,267 --> 00:07:44,827
You know what would be
really fun?
206
00:07:44,833 --> 00:07:48,103
We could have, like,
a sleeping contest.
207
00:07:48,100 --> 00:07:50,100
I bet you I could beat you.
208
00:07:50,100 --> 00:07:52,530
Zoe's party!
Zoe's party!
209
00:07:52,533 --> 00:07:54,303
So you're on the fence?
210
00:07:54,300 --> 00:07:56,900
'Cause I would lean towards not
going, but you know what,
211
00:07:56,900 --> 00:07:58,270
think about it.
212
00:07:58,267 --> 00:08:01,127
Hopefully there won't be
a ball pit, right?
213
00:08:04,067 --> 00:08:06,197
Here we go.
214
00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:08,930
Whoa.
What are you doing here?
215
00:08:08,933 --> 00:08:10,373
You look like how I feel.
216
00:08:10,367 --> 00:08:12,267
Hey, man, I got to kill
a couple hours, all right?
217
00:08:12,267 --> 00:08:14,427
What, with your breath?
Wow, you reek.
218
00:08:14,433 --> 00:08:15,633
I got to get going.
219
00:08:15,633 --> 00:08:17,573
Listen, man,
last night I was with this chick
220
00:08:17,567 --> 00:08:18,667
with the most incredible ass...
221
00:08:18,667 --> 00:08:19,827
Ah...
222
00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:21,303
Sets. Okay.
223
00:08:21,300 --> 00:08:23,130
Anyway, that's why I
can't go home, all right?
224
00:08:23,133 --> 00:08:24,803
I'm gonna catch Hell
from my mom if she finds
225
00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:25,800
out I was out all night.
226
00:08:25,800 --> 00:08:27,470
What are you, 12?
227
00:08:27,467 --> 00:08:29,127
Hey, listen, I just can't deal
with my mother's judgment.
228
00:08:29,133 --> 00:08:30,403
Let me hang, all right?
229
00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:32,070
You know,
this is another reason
230
00:08:32,067 --> 00:08:33,727
why your roommate
shouldn't be your mom.
231
00:08:33,733 --> 00:08:35,773
Just go home and face the music.
Get it over with, all right?
232
00:08:35,767 --> 00:08:37,067
Listen,
she's got a 10:00 yoga thing.
233
00:08:37,067 --> 00:08:38,327
I just got to kill a couple
of hours,
234
00:08:38,333 --> 00:08:39,933
and then I won't run into her.
235
00:08:39,933 --> 00:08:41,703
- Where are you going?
- It's 7:15.
236
00:08:41,700 --> 00:08:44,070
I'm with my three-year old,
and I'm holding a gift bag.
237
00:08:44,067 --> 00:08:45,197
We're going
to get matching tattoos.
238
00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:46,770
What do you think we're doing?
239
00:08:46,767 --> 00:08:48,167
We're going to Central Park
240
00:08:48,167 --> 00:08:50,097
for a birthday party
obviously thrown by Satan.
241
00:08:50,100 --> 00:08:51,370
- Birthday party, huh?
- Yeah.
242
00:08:51,367 --> 00:08:53,127
Yummy mummies.
All right, I'm in.
243
00:08:53,133 --> 00:08:55,073
What's a "yummy mummy"?
244
00:08:55,067 --> 00:08:57,767
It's a--It's a ice
cream flavor, honey.
245
00:08:57,767 --> 00:08:59,427
Yeah,
that your daddy can't have,
246
00:08:59,433 --> 00:09:00,573
but your Uncle Dave can.
247
00:09:00,567 --> 00:09:02,067
All right, you know what,
248
00:09:02,067 --> 00:09:03,327
I'm not bringing anyone
to a birthday party
249
00:09:03,333 --> 00:09:04,603
who calls himself "Uncle Dave."
250
00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:06,370
I do believe Central Park
is a public park,
251
00:09:06,367 --> 00:09:08,527
so maybe I'll just see you
there at my morning jog.
252
00:09:08,533 --> 00:09:09,473
Fine.
253
00:09:15,067 --> 00:09:16,267
Who are these people?
254
00:09:16,267 --> 00:09:19,067
What are they doing
awake so early?
255
00:09:19,067 --> 00:09:21,827
What, do they go to bed
at, like, 6:00 p.m.?
256
00:09:21,833 --> 00:09:24,773
Daddy,
can I get my face painted?
257
00:09:24,767 --> 00:09:26,697
Your mom wouldn't want you to.
258
00:09:26,700 --> 00:09:28,430
Ah, go ahead.
I don't care.
259
00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:34,400
[Black Velvet plays]
260
00:09:34,400 --> 00:09:35,770
261
00:09:35,767 --> 00:09:38,227
Red velvet.
262
00:09:38,233 --> 00:09:40,073
There's no other food here
but cake,
263
00:09:40,067 --> 00:09:42,897
and of course,
it's red velvet.
264
00:09:42,900 --> 00:09:44,830
So you don't like red velvet?
265
00:09:44,833 --> 00:09:46,303
I don't like red velvet?
266
00:09:46,300 --> 00:09:47,600
[laughs]
267
00:09:47,600 --> 00:09:50,430
That's a good one.
268
00:09:50,433 --> 00:09:54,373
Okay.
I'm gonna go over there now.
269
00:09:54,367 --> 00:09:55,567
Mm...
270
00:09:55,567 --> 00:09:58,367
Dave,
I need your support on this.
271
00:09:58,367 --> 00:10:01,167
- Okay.
- I cannot eat that cake.
272
00:10:01,167 --> 00:10:02,627
Jim, don't eat that cake.
273
00:10:02,633 --> 00:10:04,333
That Asian mom is super hot.
274
00:10:04,333 --> 00:10:06,273
- Check that out.
- She's pregnant.
275
00:10:06,267 --> 00:10:07,997
Yeah, so she puts out.
276
00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:10,230
I think she needs
to meet Uncle Dave. Yikes.
277
00:10:10,233 --> 00:10:12,673
Right after I introduce myself
to Betty Draper.
278
00:10:12,667 --> 00:10:13,597
Madame.
279
00:10:16,767 --> 00:10:19,867
It's really a disgrace, the
homeless problem in this city.
280
00:10:19,867 --> 00:10:22,597
I know, it's very sad.
281
00:10:22,600 --> 00:10:24,070
How about these weirdos
282
00:10:24,067 --> 00:10:27,627
with the 8:00 Saturday morning
birthday party?
283
00:10:27,633 --> 00:10:29,733
- Pardon me?
- And there's no food.
284
00:10:29,733 --> 00:10:31,173
Did you notice that?
No food.
285
00:10:31,167 --> 00:10:33,767
I mean, there's cake--
just cake.
286
00:10:33,767 --> 00:10:35,997
They're feeding our kids
cake for breakfast.
287
00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:37,830
That's borderline child abuse.
288
00:10:37,833 --> 00:10:38,903
I'm the host.
289
00:10:38,900 --> 00:10:41,430
Zoe's my daughter.
290
00:10:41,433 --> 00:10:42,503
Got you!
291
00:10:42,500 --> 00:10:44,700
[laughs]
I'm Jim.
292
00:10:44,700 --> 00:10:46,200
I'm Elizabeth's dad.
293
00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:47,230
I know.
294
00:10:47,233 --> 00:10:50,633
We've met before, many times.
295
00:10:50,633 --> 00:10:51,673
Got you again.
296
00:10:51,667 --> 00:10:53,327
I was just testing you.
297
00:10:58,133 --> 00:10:59,703
Would you stop
leering at everyone?
298
00:10:59,700 --> 00:11:01,430
You could put your drink
on that.
299
00:11:01,433 --> 00:11:03,673
Why didn't you tell me everybody
here was gonna be married?
300
00:11:03,667 --> 00:11:06,267
It's one of the side effects
of being a "yummy mummy."
301
00:11:06,267 --> 00:11:08,267
All right, look,
can we go now?
302
00:11:08,267 --> 00:11:09,797
We just got here.
303
00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:13,530
I'm gonna go find a place
to lie down, maybe puke.
304
00:11:17,500 --> 00:11:19,300
Is that...
305
00:11:22,633 --> 00:11:24,303
[children chattering]
306
00:11:24,300 --> 00:11:26,830
Excuse me, ma'am, there's no
mobile phones in the pool area.
307
00:11:26,833 --> 00:11:29,073
It really is an emergency.
308
00:11:29,067 --> 00:11:30,167
(Jim)
Hey, Jeannie.
309
00:11:30,167 --> 00:11:31,767
Jim, have you been
eating cake?
310
00:11:31,767 --> 00:11:33,397
You sound guilty.
311
00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:35,830
No,
I haven't been eating cake.
312
00:11:35,833 --> 00:11:37,633
(Jeannie)
Well,
what have you been eating?
313
00:11:37,633 --> 00:11:39,803
I haven't eaten anything,
for your information,
314
00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:41,270
and frankly I'd like to get back
315
00:11:41,267 --> 00:11:43,727
to bonding
with my daughter, thank you.
316
00:11:43,733 --> 00:11:45,603
Good-bye.
317
00:11:45,600 --> 00:11:46,570
Jeez.
318
00:11:49,167 --> 00:11:50,967
Hey, how are you?
Good to see you again.
319
00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:54,700
Sorry.
320
00:11:54,700 --> 00:11:55,970
That's pretty good.
321
00:11:55,967 --> 00:11:58,397
- Ah, Jim, good morning.
- Uh...
322
00:11:58,400 --> 00:12:01,730
I had no idea
you knew Nai-Nai Chow.
323
00:12:01,733 --> 00:12:03,373
Yeah, I--
324
00:12:03,367 --> 00:12:07,327
I do tai chi
with him or her.
325
00:12:07,333 --> 00:12:10,333
Tai Chi with Nai-Nai,
that is wonderful.
326
00:12:10,333 --> 00:12:12,203
This is truly a great party.
327
00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:14,730
I mean, they are serving
such delicious food.
328
00:12:14,733 --> 00:12:16,503
- That food looks pretty good.
- Yes.
329
00:12:16,500 --> 00:12:18,970
You know, one of the most
unique and wonderful things
330
00:12:18,967 --> 00:12:22,827
about New York City is the wide
variety of cultures, you know,
331
00:12:22,833 --> 00:12:23,973
like Jesus once said,...
332
00:12:23,967 --> 00:12:24,967
That's great, Father.
333
00:12:24,967 --> 00:12:26,327
Does the buffet start here,
334
00:12:26,333 --> 00:12:27,733
or is it, like,
some weird Chinese...
335
00:12:27,733 --> 00:12:29,303
- Oh, no. It's right there.
- Great, thanks.
336
00:12:29,300 --> 00:12:30,500
- You bet.
- Okay.
337
00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:31,930
Guess I'll use the big plate.
338
00:12:31,933 --> 00:12:34,073
At least I don't have
to go through twice.
339
00:12:42,533 --> 00:12:45,133
Excuse--Oh, hey,
340
00:12:45,133 --> 00:12:47,603
can you give me, por favor?
341
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,830
Danke schoen.
Can I go a deuce?
342
00:12:49,833 --> 00:12:52,133
Thanks.
There we go.
343
00:12:52,133 --> 00:12:53,503
Can I get a spoon here?
344
00:12:56,167 --> 00:12:59,297
[humming softly]
345
00:13:00,833 --> 00:13:03,773
No, you go ahead.
346
00:13:03,767 --> 00:13:04,967
Get one.
347
00:13:04,967 --> 00:13:08,097
[humming softly]
348
00:13:09,700 --> 00:13:12,130
Thank you.
349
00:13:12,133 --> 00:13:14,473
Yikes. Are those fish heads?
350
00:13:14,467 --> 00:13:17,397
I like Chinese food,
not Chinese-Chinese food.
351
00:13:17,400 --> 00:13:19,470
You don't see that
at Panda Express.
352
00:13:19,467 --> 00:13:22,597
[speaking native language]
353
00:13:36,333 --> 00:13:39,603
Quai-jo? My name's Jim.
354
00:13:40,700 --> 00:13:43,630
[girls giggling]
355
00:13:49,767 --> 00:13:52,767
[Black Velvet playing]
356
00:13:52,767 --> 00:13:58,797
357
00:13:58,800 --> 00:14:00,070
[record scratches]
358
00:14:00,067 --> 00:14:01,267
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Hey!
359
00:14:03,067 --> 00:14:04,197
Where are the moms?
360
00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:06,070
We can't have kids--
361
00:14:06,067 --> 00:14:10,097
What are you--
362
00:14:10,100 --> 00:14:11,670
You know,
363
00:14:11,667 --> 00:14:13,327
this is just--
364
00:14:13,333 --> 00:14:16,973
You know, I--
365
00:14:16,967 --> 00:14:26,427
366
00:14:26,433 --> 00:14:28,303
You'd think
they'd make those park benches
367
00:14:28,300 --> 00:14:29,930
a little more comfortable
to sleep on.
368
00:14:29,933 --> 00:14:31,303
You know what I mean?
369
00:14:31,300 --> 00:14:33,370
You have a little something
on your face.
370
00:14:33,367 --> 00:14:35,267
You got something
on your face.
371
00:14:35,267 --> 00:14:36,897
That's a good comeback, Jim.
372
00:14:36,900 --> 00:14:39,500
I'm gonna see if any
of these MILFs has an aspirin.
373
00:14:43,500 --> 00:14:47,730
Hey, I was wondering if you
could help me out a little bit.
374
00:14:47,733 --> 00:14:50,473
Of course. I saw you sleeping
on that park bench.
375
00:14:50,467 --> 00:14:52,467
Yeah, yeah.
No, I was out all night.
376
00:14:52,467 --> 00:14:53,697
Oh, I'm sure.
377
00:14:53,700 --> 00:14:55,470
Can I buy you
something to eat?
378
00:14:55,467 --> 00:14:57,327
Well, that's forward.
Okay.
379
00:14:57,333 --> 00:14:59,773
I mean, I do love
the brunch at Balthazar.
380
00:14:59,767 --> 00:15:01,297
I'm not gonna lie.
381
00:15:01,300 --> 00:15:06,130
You know what,
let me give you some money.
382
00:15:06,133 --> 00:15:08,733
Oh. Okay.
383
00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:11,700
That's not gonna
cover Balthazar.
384
00:15:11,700 --> 00:15:12,930
Was that...
385
00:15:12,933 --> 00:15:14,873
All right, kids,
let's come have some cake.
386
00:15:14,867 --> 00:15:16,467
Time to sing
Happy Birthday to Zoe.
387
00:15:16,467 --> 00:15:18,327
She's four years old!
388
00:15:18,333 --> 00:15:21,173
My cake is broken.
[cries]
389
00:15:21,167 --> 00:15:23,397
Oh, honey.
390
00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:24,900
It's been vandalized.
391
00:15:24,900 --> 00:15:27,100
I saw the fat guy do it.
392
00:15:27,100 --> 00:15:28,530
I'm not that fat.
393
00:15:28,533 --> 00:15:31,403
Besides, that's ridiculous.
I'm a grown man.
394
00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:34,300
I didn't touch the dumb,
stupid old cake.
395
00:15:34,300 --> 00:15:36,270
Why is there frosting
on your face?
396
00:15:36,267 --> 00:15:40,067
The--That--
That's shaving cream.
397
00:15:40,067 --> 00:15:41,197
Mm.
398
00:15:47,633 --> 00:15:49,073
Hey.
399
00:15:49,067 --> 00:15:50,897
- Hey, how was the party?
- It was pretty fun.
400
00:15:50,900 --> 00:15:52,330
Yeah?
401
00:15:52,333 --> 00:15:54,533
Blanca, can you please
take the kids into the bedroom?
402
00:15:54,533 --> 00:15:56,533
Uh-oh,
you in trouble again.
403
00:15:56,533 --> 00:15:57,733
No, I'm not.
404
00:16:01,267 --> 00:16:02,397
I received a call.
405
00:16:02,400 --> 00:16:04,170
I didn't do it, all right?
406
00:16:04,167 --> 00:16:06,897
It was these two little savages.
407
00:16:06,900 --> 00:16:09,070
I tried to fix it,
and I got frosting on my beard.
408
00:16:09,067 --> 00:16:11,127
I know I shouldn't have been
near that evil cake,
409
00:16:11,133 --> 00:16:12,333
but it was red velvet, Jeannie.
410
00:16:12,333 --> 00:16:13,973
Why'd it have
to be red velvet, huh?
411
00:16:13,967 --> 00:16:16,267
I was gonna say, "I got
a call from Father Nicholas."
412
00:16:16,267 --> 00:16:18,767
Oh, how's that old guy
doing, huh?
413
00:16:18,767 --> 00:16:19,797
Is he good?
414
00:16:19,800 --> 00:16:22,130
You crashed the Chows' party?
415
00:16:22,133 --> 00:16:24,873
Well, you know,
I'm friends with the grandma.
416
00:16:24,867 --> 00:16:26,597
Jim, enough.
417
00:16:28,533 --> 00:16:30,673
All right, fine.
418
00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:32,730
You're right.
419
00:16:36,967 --> 00:16:41,097
I do have a problem
with overeating.
420
00:16:41,100 --> 00:16:42,170
(Jeannie)
With what?
421
00:16:42,167 --> 00:16:43,567
Overeating.
422
00:16:43,567 --> 00:16:46,867
I'm so proud of you
for admitting that.
423
00:16:46,867 --> 00:16:49,067
Hey, listen,
it's okay.
424
00:16:49,067 --> 00:16:51,797
It's not that bad.
It's nothing we can't deal with.
425
00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:53,370
It's actually pretty bad.
426
00:16:53,367 --> 00:16:57,467
I didn't tell you everything
that happened in Vegas.
427
00:16:57,467 --> 00:16:59,327
That cake never actually
made it into the hall?
428
00:16:59,333 --> 00:17:02,903
You ate the whole thing
in one sitting, didn't you?
429
00:17:02,900 --> 00:17:03,830
Well, yes.
430
00:17:03,833 --> 00:17:07,073
[Black Velvet playing]
431
00:17:07,067 --> 00:17:09,897
432
00:17:09,900 --> 00:17:12,430
Wow.
That is pretty bad.
433
00:17:12,433 --> 00:17:15,603
That's nothing.
434
00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:18,500
Something happened
at the airport.
435
00:17:18,500 --> 00:17:19,970
I was at the Vegas airport,
436
00:17:19,967 --> 00:17:23,867
eating this horrible salad,
waiting for my flight.
437
00:17:23,867 --> 00:17:25,667
This guy's sitting
across from me
438
00:17:25,667 --> 00:17:27,397
who's eating a burger and fries.
439
00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:29,630
He was a slob,
eats with his mouth open.
440
00:17:29,633 --> 00:17:31,733
You know
how I find that annoying.
441
00:17:31,733 --> 00:17:35,303
Then he gets up, wheels away,
leaving the whole thing
442
00:17:35,300 --> 00:17:37,100
of fries there.
443
00:17:43,500 --> 00:17:45,430
I thought it was wasteful.
444
00:17:46,467 --> 00:17:48,127
[yawns]
445
00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:55,230
You ate a stranger's fries?
446
00:17:55,233 --> 00:17:57,203
Wait, it gets worse.
447
00:18:04,267 --> 00:18:06,897
Were those my fries?
448
00:18:06,900 --> 00:18:08,230
No.
449
00:18:08,233 --> 00:18:09,603
You stole my fries?
450
00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:11,670
Mm-hmm.
He took them.
451
00:18:13,500 --> 00:18:15,070
You abandoned them.
452
00:18:15,067 --> 00:18:16,697
You know, I didn't want
them going to waste.
453
00:18:16,700 --> 00:18:19,300
There are people
starving in Africa, right?
454
00:18:19,300 --> 00:18:21,570
Obviously, I didn't say
that 'cause you're--
455
00:18:21,567 --> 00:18:22,867
You might be Puerto Rican.
456
00:18:22,867 --> 00:18:24,767
You're gonna pay
for those fries.
457
00:18:24,767 --> 00:18:26,327
- Yeah.
- You left with your bag.
458
00:18:26,333 --> 00:18:28,373
I went to the bathroom.
459
00:18:28,367 --> 00:18:30,927
You're not supposed
to leave your bags unattended.
460
00:18:30,933 --> 00:18:33,473
Haven't you ever
been to an airport?
461
00:18:33,467 --> 00:18:35,067
Look, I even left my drink.
462
00:18:35,067 --> 00:18:37,667
You know what that tells me,
sir? That you're a slob.
463
00:18:37,667 --> 00:18:39,097
You don't even have the cap on.
464
00:18:39,100 --> 00:18:41,230
I was looking forward
to those fries, okay?
465
00:18:41,233 --> 00:18:44,333
I purposely saved them
for after my burger.
466
00:18:44,333 --> 00:18:45,503
Who does that?
467
00:18:45,500 --> 00:18:47,170
Who eats fries after a burger?
468
00:18:47,167 --> 00:18:51,067
I mean, that is--
Not in America, buddy.
469
00:18:51,067 --> 00:18:52,667
I don't know
what country you're from.
470
00:18:52,667 --> 00:18:54,067
This is a free country.
471
00:18:54,067 --> 00:18:56,927
You can eat your fries
in any order.
472
00:18:56,933 --> 00:18:59,103
I was sitting here,
then you sat down.
473
00:18:59,100 --> 00:19:01,330
- You were a guest at my table.
- Oh, no.
474
00:19:01,333 --> 00:19:05,173
As a host, I'm entitled to
certain rights and privileges.
475
00:19:05,167 --> 00:19:06,267
Everyone knows that.
476
00:19:06,267 --> 00:19:07,697
She agrees.
These women agree.
477
00:19:07,700 --> 00:19:09,070
No, she doesn't agree.
478
00:19:09,067 --> 00:19:10,827
- She does agree.
- You're not a host.
479
00:19:13,133 --> 00:19:14,633
Have a nice day.
480
00:19:14,633 --> 00:19:15,933
[chuckles]
481
00:19:15,933 --> 00:19:19,273
Oh, that's pretty much
rock bottom.
482
00:19:19,267 --> 00:19:23,097
Wait, it gets worse.
483
00:19:23,100 --> 00:19:24,500
Here he is.
484
00:19:24,500 --> 00:19:26,770
I know you!
485
00:19:26,767 --> 00:19:28,397
You're that comedian, right?
486
00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:31,430
I saw your show last night
at the Mirage, big fan.
487
00:19:31,433 --> 00:19:32,733
Hey, thanks for coming.
488
00:19:32,733 --> 00:19:34,733
That was a great audience,
right?
489
00:19:34,733 --> 00:19:36,303
It doesn't matter
who he is, okay?
490
00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:37,730
He stole my fries.
491
00:19:37,733 --> 00:19:39,403
Haven't you ever
seen his stand-up act?
492
00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:40,730
He can't help it.
493
00:19:40,733 --> 00:19:42,633
He's a fat guy
who eats everything.
494
00:19:42,633 --> 00:19:44,433
He can't stop eating.
495
00:19:44,433 --> 00:19:45,833
[laughs]
496
00:19:45,833 --> 00:19:47,903
Hey, hey, do the bacon thing.
Do the bacon thing.
497
00:19:47,900 --> 00:19:49,770
You got to see this, man.
You'll wet your pants.
498
00:19:49,767 --> 00:19:50,897
Do more of the bacon.
499
00:19:56,500 --> 00:19:58,330
Last one's asleep.
500
00:19:58,333 --> 00:19:59,333
Oh, that's great.
501
00:19:59,333 --> 00:20:00,903
I'm exhausted.
502
00:20:00,900 --> 00:20:03,170
I'm gonna be out
before my head hits the pillow.
503
00:20:03,167 --> 00:20:04,727
You coming?
504
00:20:04,733 --> 00:20:08,803
I'm just gonna have a snack,
then I'll see you in there.
505
00:20:08,800 --> 00:20:10,000
Take your time.
506
00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:17,930
[knocking]
507
00:20:26,067 --> 00:20:28,267
Hey, Hector,
I didn't order a pizza.
508
00:20:28,267 --> 00:20:30,227
I know. I had another delivery
in the building.
509
00:20:30,233 --> 00:20:32,373
The store messed up
and gave me an extra pizza.
510
00:20:32,367 --> 00:20:33,927
They're going to throw it out
anyway,
511
00:20:33,933 --> 00:20:35,533
so I thought
I'd offer it to you.
512
00:20:35,533 --> 00:20:38,033
(Myles)
Black velvet
513
00:20:39,767 --> 00:20:43,097
If you please
514
00:20:43,100 --> 00:20:44,870
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