Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:05,173 --> 00:00:07,108
[chatter]
2
00:00:07,175 --> 00:00:08,876
[tapping on glass]
3
00:00:08,942 --> 00:00:10,178
Shh!
4
00:00:11,781 --> 00:00:14,282
Woman: Who gives a
toast at her own wedding?
5
00:00:15,783 --> 00:00:16,950
I mean, who does that?
6
00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:18,469
Who stands in the middle of a ballroom
7
00:00:18,494 --> 00:00:19,953
after three glasses of champagne
8
00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:21,369
on a completely empty stomach...
9
00:00:21,394 --> 00:00:23,508
and I mean completely empty
10
00:00:23,533 --> 00:00:24,696
because fitting into this dress
11
00:00:24,721 --> 00:00:27,461
required no solid food
for three straight weeks.
12
00:00:27,777 --> 00:00:29,011
Who does that?
13
00:00:29,863 --> 00:00:31,127
I do.
14
00:00:37,041 --> 00:00:38,939
This day is perfect.
15
00:00:39,006 --> 00:00:40,308
It's like a dream...
16
00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:42,576
or a nightmare if you're my father.
17
00:00:42,601 --> 00:00:44,102
"How much for the flowers?"
18
00:00:44,127 --> 00:00:45,555
"Who eats mushroom caps?"
19
00:00:45,580 --> 00:00:46,689
"Do the caterers have any idea
20
00:00:46,714 --> 00:00:49,212
"what the Jews just went
through a few years ago?"
21
00:00:49,237 --> 00:00:50,744
Two cakes, one for eating.
22
00:00:50,769 --> 00:00:52,220
- We're very happy.
- [laughter]
23
00:00:52,286 --> 00:00:55,165
This day has been long in planning.
24
00:00:55,190 --> 00:00:57,079
Anyone who knows me knows I plan.
25
00:00:57,104 --> 00:01:00,157
At 6 I decided Russian
literature would be my major.
26
00:01:00,182 --> 00:01:02,385
At 12 I found my signature haircut.
27
00:01:02,451 --> 00:01:03,852
At 13 I announced
28
00:01:03,919 --> 00:01:06,138
I was going to Bryn Mawr College.
29
00:01:06,163 --> 00:01:08,023
In Katharine Hepburn's old room.
30
00:01:08,056 --> 00:01:09,863
From Day 1 I knew...
31
00:01:09,888 --> 00:01:11,293
that decision was a charmed one.
32
00:01:12,099 --> 00:01:13,462
♪ Did you say ♪
33
00:01:13,529 --> 00:01:17,099
♪ I've got a lot to learn? ♪
34
00:01:17,403 --> 00:01:19,761
First of all, my roommate
Petra was friendly and fat,
35
00:01:19,802 --> 00:01:21,596
which was perfect. I'll
have someone to eat with
36
00:01:21,670 --> 00:01:23,160
who won't steal my boyfriend.
37
00:01:23,185 --> 00:01:25,136
It smells so good. [giggling]
38
00:01:25,161 --> 00:01:27,910
The campus was old and elegant,
39
00:01:27,976 --> 00:01:31,819
with ivy-covered buildings
and stained glass windows
40
00:01:31,844 --> 00:01:33,048
and...
41
00:01:33,115 --> 00:01:35,283
Monogrammed butter pats.
42
00:01:35,350 --> 00:01:36,952
What? [gasp] Oh.
43
00:01:37,019 --> 00:01:38,621
This was a magical place
44
00:01:38,687 --> 00:01:40,088
where butter was beautiful
45
00:01:40,155 --> 00:01:42,057
and I would solve the
mysteries of the universe
46
00:01:42,124 --> 00:01:44,727
and meet brilliant
women, kindred spirits
47
00:01:44,793 --> 00:01:47,696
who would explore this
brave new world with me.
48
00:01:47,763 --> 00:01:49,287
Ooh! My God, it's burning.
49
00:01:49,312 --> 00:01:50,799
It's supposed to. It's bleach.
50
00:01:50,824 --> 00:01:52,201
It's awful. I hate you for this.
51
00:01:52,226 --> 00:01:53,335
It was your idea.
52
00:01:53,360 --> 00:01:55,053
Never listen to me. I'm nuts.
53
00:01:55,078 --> 00:01:56,580
Why aren't you in pain?
54
00:01:56,605 --> 00:01:58,115
I'm from Kansas.
55
00:01:58,140 --> 00:01:59,475
I don't know what that means.
56
00:01:59,542 --> 00:02:00,922
- How much longer?
- Ten minutes.
57
00:02:00,947 --> 00:02:02,377
Oh, Jiminy Crickets.
58
00:02:02,402 --> 00:02:05,104
Where are you going? Where is she going?
59
00:02:05,213 --> 00:02:06,797
I don't know.
60
00:02:06,822 --> 00:02:09,691
Midge. Midge?
61
00:02:09,828 --> 00:02:11,078
Midge!
62
00:02:11,297 --> 00:02:13,522
- How much longer?
- Nine minutes!
63
00:02:13,589 --> 00:02:16,659
- Holy fucking Christ balls!
- [laughter]
64
00:02:16,725 --> 00:02:18,026
But all of these marvelous adventures
65
00:02:18,093 --> 00:02:20,796
were simply the preamble
to my ultimate destiny.
66
00:02:20,863 --> 00:02:23,678
I was going to meet a man...
67
00:02:23,703 --> 00:02:25,394
a perfect man.
68
00:02:25,419 --> 00:02:27,936
He would be 6'4" and blond,
69
00:02:28,003 --> 00:02:31,139
and his name would be
Dashiell or Stafford or...
70
00:02:31,206 --> 00:02:33,630
Joel. Joel Maisel.
71
00:02:37,390 --> 00:02:39,859
Best build-up since Iceman Cometh.
72
00:02:39,999 --> 00:02:43,952
Joel Maisel was my
knight in shining armor,
73
00:02:44,019 --> 00:02:45,089
a gift from God,
74
00:02:45,114 --> 00:02:46,689
and he thought I was brilliant.
75
00:02:46,755 --> 00:02:50,092
He took me to galleries
and poetry readings
76
00:02:50,158 --> 00:02:51,794
and Greek dramas.
77
00:02:53,095 --> 00:02:54,497
[wolf whistle]
78
00:02:58,934 --> 00:03:00,435
[wolf whistle]
79
00:03:03,519 --> 00:03:05,474
Uh, excuse me. Excuse me, Miss.
80
00:03:05,541 --> 00:03:06,909
Thanks, toots.
81
00:03:06,975 --> 00:03:09,444
Man: Honey, don't go away.
82
00:03:09,667 --> 00:03:11,079
She's going to need that.
83
00:03:11,146 --> 00:03:12,648
[laughing]
84
00:03:12,715 --> 00:03:17,152
That was Misty Dream,
ladies and gentlemen.
85
00:03:17,219 --> 00:03:19,835
You know, she's only 18...
86
00:03:19,860 --> 00:03:21,562
in dog years.
87
00:03:21,587 --> 00:03:25,474
Anyway, I'll leave the
jokes to our next performer.
88
00:03:25,499 --> 00:03:28,564
He's fresh out of the Merchant Marines
89
00:03:28,631 --> 00:03:32,590
or some patriotic shit like that.
90
00:03:32,637 --> 00:03:35,037
And, uh, let's hear it for him...
91
00:03:35,103 --> 00:03:36,815
Lenny Bruce. Come up.
92
00:03:36,840 --> 00:03:38,373
This is the guy I wanted you to see.
93
00:03:38,440 --> 00:03:40,475
No way he's funnier than Misty.
94
00:03:40,543 --> 00:03:41,977
Thank you.
95
00:03:42,263 --> 00:03:44,031
And so I was reading the paper,
96
00:03:44,056 --> 00:03:45,514
and, uh, there was a story.
97
00:03:45,581 --> 00:03:48,250
These kids... uh, 8 and 9-year-old...
98
00:03:48,316 --> 00:03:52,429
were sniffing airplane
glue to get high on.
99
00:03:52,454 --> 00:03:54,599
These kids are responsible
for turning musicians
100
00:03:54,624 --> 00:03:57,138
on to a lot of things they
never knew about, actually.
101
00:03:57,169 --> 00:03:59,628
Then I had a fantasy of how it happened.
102
00:03:59,896 --> 00:04:01,564
The kid is alone in his room.
103
00:04:01,630 --> 00:04:03,129
It's Saturday.
104
00:04:03,154 --> 00:04:05,771
The kid is played by George Macready.
105
00:04:07,035 --> 00:04:08,036
[sniffing]
106
00:04:08,103 --> 00:04:09,247
[as George Macready]
Well, let's see now.
107
00:04:09,272 --> 00:04:11,724
I'm all alone in a
room, and it's Saturday.
108
00:04:11,755 --> 00:04:13,542
I'll make an airplane.
That's what I'll do.
109
00:04:13,609 --> 00:04:15,052
I'll make a Lancaster.
110
00:04:15,077 --> 00:04:16,545
Good structural design.
111
00:04:16,620 --> 00:04:18,238
I'll get the balsa wood here.
112
00:04:18,263 --> 00:04:20,482
I'll cut it out. I'll sand it down.
113
00:04:20,549 --> 00:04:22,168
Add a little airplane glue.
114
00:04:22,193 --> 00:04:24,219
I'll rub it on a rag and, uh...
115
00:04:24,286 --> 00:04:26,388
[sniff]
116
00:04:26,454 --> 00:04:29,257
- Hey now.
- [laughter]
117
00:04:29,324 --> 00:04:31,265
I'm getting loaded.
118
00:04:32,060 --> 00:04:35,015
Midge: Oh, the things Joel taught me.
119
00:04:35,468 --> 00:04:38,400
- You know what I want?
- Please don't say a virgin.
120
00:04:38,466 --> 00:04:40,186
I want to make you laugh...
121
00:04:40,211 --> 00:04:41,779
every day of your life.
122
00:04:41,804 --> 00:04:43,538
Oh, great, but not now, though.
123
00:04:43,606 --> 00:04:45,708
- No, no, not now.
- Mm-mm.
124
00:04:47,242 --> 00:04:49,211
I have been very lucky.
125
00:04:49,277 --> 00:04:51,079
I have wonderful parents.
126
00:04:51,146 --> 00:04:52,848
I've had a very comfortable life,
127
00:04:52,915 --> 00:04:54,549
and though I knew that
love would be great,
128
00:04:54,617 --> 00:04:56,251
I had no idea it would be anything
129
00:04:56,318 --> 00:04:58,220
that could justify what
I paid for this dress.
130
00:04:58,286 --> 00:05:01,060
What I paid for that
dress. We're very happy.
131
00:05:01,085 --> 00:05:04,278
And because it's better than
anything I could have imagined,
132
00:05:04,303 --> 00:05:06,129
I thought I should get up here today
133
00:05:06,194 --> 00:05:09,723
and tell all of you
that I love this man.
134
00:05:09,748 --> 00:05:11,145
[clapping]
135
00:05:11,170 --> 00:05:13,501
And yes, there is
shrimp in the egg rolls.
136
00:05:13,568 --> 00:05:15,441
- [gasping]
- [glass shatters]
137
00:05:15,466 --> 00:05:16,740
Miriam.
138
00:05:16,765 --> 00:05:18,209
[murmuring]
139
00:05:18,273 --> 00:05:20,493
- We have a problem.
- Rabbi, she's kidding. She's kidding.
140
00:05:20,518 --> 00:05:22,818
[arguing]
141
00:05:22,845 --> 00:05:24,146
You show me in the Bible
142
00:05:24,212 --> 00:05:25,755
where God says you can't eat shrimp.
143
00:05:25,780 --> 00:05:28,250
Leviticus. "Whatever does
not have fins or scales,
144
00:05:28,316 --> 00:05:30,285
- "you shall not eat."
- But did He say shrimp?
145
00:05:30,352 --> 00:05:32,688
Cyril Ritchard: ♪ We were
in for a wonderful day ♪
146
00:05:32,755 --> 00:05:34,456
♪ As I told you before ♪
147
00:05:34,522 --> 00:05:36,959
♪ When I saw what I saw ♪
148
00:05:37,017 --> 00:05:40,517
♪ I was terribly tempted to say ♪
149
00:05:40,596 --> 00:05:42,252
_
150
00:05:42,277 --> 00:05:46,476
♪ On a wonderful day like today ♪
151
00:05:46,822 --> 00:05:50,618
♪ I defy any cloud
to appear in the sky ♪
152
00:05:50,643 --> 00:05:53,275
♪ Dare any raindrop to pop in my eye ♪
153
00:05:53,341 --> 00:05:56,611
♪ On a wonderful day like today ♪
154
00:05:56,643 --> 00:05:59,982
♪ On a wonderful morning like this ♪
155
00:06:00,048 --> 00:06:01,416
♪ When the sun is as big... ♪
156
00:06:01,455 --> 00:06:03,470
Lefty, we got the rabbi.
157
00:06:03,495 --> 00:06:04,820
- Hmm.
- How? When?
158
00:06:04,887 --> 00:06:06,154
We heard today. My mother fainted,
159
00:06:06,221 --> 00:06:07,990
then called four people,
then fainted again.
160
00:06:08,056 --> 00:06:09,291
This year, on Yom Kippur,
161
00:06:09,357 --> 00:06:11,863
Rabbi Krinsky will be
breaking fast at our house.
162
00:06:11,888 --> 00:06:14,129
You're gonna need some
lamb. Rabbi loves his lamb.
163
00:06:14,196 --> 00:06:16,589
Excuse me. I'm in the
middle of an order here.
164
00:06:16,614 --> 00:06:18,566
- I'm so sorry. What were you getting?
- Pork chops.
165
00:06:18,633 --> 00:06:20,628
Put her pork chops on my
tab. Oh, I can't believe it.
166
00:06:20,653 --> 00:06:22,486
The rabbi's been mad
at us since the wedding.
167
00:06:22,511 --> 00:06:24,072
It only took four years of apologies
168
00:06:24,139 --> 00:06:25,841
and a dreidel signed by Sammy Davis Jr.,
169
00:06:25,908 --> 00:06:27,943
but we finally got the bastard.
170
00:06:28,010 --> 00:06:29,410
Disgraceful.
171
00:06:29,435 --> 00:06:31,480
You like your free pork
chops? Zip it, then.
172
00:06:31,505 --> 00:06:33,441
- Delivery Thursday?
- After 10.
173
00:06:33,466 --> 00:06:35,558
I grabbed a couple of black and whites.
174
00:06:36,347 --> 00:06:37,535
♪ May I take this occasion to say ♪
175
00:06:37,560 --> 00:06:39,779
We got the rabbi!
176
00:06:39,822 --> 00:06:41,478
♪ That the whole human race ♪
177
00:06:41,503 --> 00:06:43,358
♪ Should go down on its knees ♪
178
00:06:43,425 --> 00:06:46,294
♪ Show that they're grateful
for mornings like these ♪
179
00:06:46,361 --> 00:06:48,230
♪ For the world's in a wonderful way ♪
180
00:06:48,296 --> 00:06:50,365
Antonio, I bought you a black and white.
181
00:06:50,432 --> 00:06:52,446
Oh, thank you, Mrs. Maisel.
182
00:06:53,135 --> 00:06:54,669
Jerry, nice tie.
183
00:06:54,737 --> 00:06:56,304
Got you a black and white.
184
00:06:56,371 --> 00:06:58,040
Chorus: ♪ When the sun is as big ♪
185
00:06:58,106 --> 00:07:00,108
♪ As a yellow balloon ♪
186
00:07:00,175 --> 00:07:02,169
- ♪ Even the sparrows ♪
- Thanks, Jerry.
187
00:07:02,194 --> 00:07:03,211
♪ Are singing in tune ♪
188
00:07:03,278 --> 00:07:06,314
♪ On a wonderful morning like this ♪
189
00:07:06,381 --> 00:07:09,546
- Ritchard: ♪ On a wonderful day ♪
- Chorus: ♪ On a wonderful day... ♪
190
00:07:09,571 --> 00:07:14,108
♪ Like today ♪
191
00:07:22,476 --> 00:07:25,612
Perfect. You are perfect.
192
00:07:26,501 --> 00:07:28,904
[phone rings]
193
00:07:32,348 --> 00:07:33,379
[ring]
194
00:07:33,404 --> 00:07:35,924
- Hello.
- You tell everyone about the rabbi?
195
00:07:35,949 --> 00:07:38,541
What am I, a braggart?
Please. How's work?
196
00:07:38,566 --> 00:07:40,403
- I believe something got sold today.
- Hmm.
197
00:07:40,428 --> 00:07:43,285
- How's the brisket?
- I'm buying it a sash and a crown.
198
00:07:43,310 --> 00:07:44,520
Good. We'll need it.
199
00:07:44,545 --> 00:07:46,948
I got a terrible stage
time for tonight: 1:45.
200
00:07:46,973 --> 00:07:48,656
- Yikes.
- I bowed out of my lunch meeting
201
00:07:48,723 --> 00:07:50,158
and got downtown as quickly as I could.
202
00:07:50,225 --> 00:07:51,894
But that guy who runs the Gaslight...
203
00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:53,531
Baz. You must learn his name.
204
00:07:53,579 --> 00:07:56,156
Fine. Baz still gave
me the crappiest time.
205
00:07:56,181 --> 00:07:58,100
- He hates me.
- Don't worry. We'll fix it.
206
00:07:58,166 --> 00:07:59,935
He doesn't see me as a real comedian.
207
00:08:00,002 --> 00:08:01,929
I mean, I'm not a real comedian yet,
208
00:08:01,954 --> 00:08:03,346
but if he'd just give
me a better time...
209
00:08:03,371 --> 00:08:05,255
- We will fix it.
- 1:45.
210
00:08:05,302 --> 00:08:06,674
No one is there at 1:45.
211
00:08:06,741 --> 00:08:08,347
They're not? Well, then we'll fix it.
212
00:08:08,372 --> 00:08:09,644
I don't know what I'd do without you.
213
00:08:09,711 --> 00:08:12,036
- Go on at 1:45.
- Bye.
214
00:08:12,061 --> 00:08:13,949
So the waiter says, "Fine. I'll try it."
215
00:08:14,016 --> 00:08:15,150
He looks at the bowl
216
00:08:15,217 --> 00:08:16,651
and says "Where the hell is the spoon?"
217
00:08:16,718 --> 00:08:18,854
And the customer says "Aha."
218
00:08:18,921 --> 00:08:20,522
So he didn't bring him a spoon.
219
00:08:20,588 --> 00:08:21,863
[laughing]
220
00:08:21,888 --> 00:08:23,363
And that's why he didn't eat the soup.
221
00:08:23,388 --> 00:08:24,726
No spoon.
222
00:08:24,793 --> 00:08:26,661
Well, you can't eat
a soup with no spoon.
223
00:08:26,728 --> 00:08:29,647
- Oh, boy. That's a good joke there.
- Yeah. Uh-huh.
224
00:08:29,672 --> 00:08:32,887
Penny, can you walk
Mitchell down to Al's office?
225
00:08:32,912 --> 00:08:34,502
- Of course.
- Al can take you through the specs.
226
00:08:34,527 --> 00:08:37,920
Okay. Boy, I'll be laughing
about that spoon for a week.
227
00:08:37,945 --> 00:08:39,365
[laughing]
228
00:08:43,245 --> 00:08:44,412
Oi.
229
00:08:57,868 --> 00:08:59,369
I saw Funt heading down the hall.
230
00:08:59,394 --> 00:09:01,897
I sent him over to
Al's office. He's fine.
231
00:09:01,964 --> 00:09:03,365
You heading down to the Village tonight?
232
00:09:03,431 --> 00:09:05,037
Midge will be here any minute.
233
00:09:05,062 --> 00:09:07,044
Joel Maisel, king of comedy.
234
00:09:07,069 --> 00:09:08,169
All right, all right.
235
00:09:08,194 --> 00:09:09,740
You know, Imogene's
dying to see your act.
236
00:09:09,765 --> 00:09:10,881
I told her I don't know why.
237
00:09:10,906 --> 00:09:12,669
I see you acting
ridiculous all day long.
238
00:09:12,694 --> 00:09:14,349
Very amusing. Can I use that?
239
00:09:14,374 --> 00:09:16,168
Seriously, when can we come?
240
00:09:16,193 --> 00:09:17,793
I have a cab waiting downstairs.
241
00:09:17,818 --> 00:09:19,691
- Hi, Archie.
- Why'd you have him wait?
242
00:09:19,716 --> 00:09:20,904
We could have taken another cab.
243
00:09:20,929 --> 00:09:22,717
I know, but the driver's having
trouble with his marriage,
244
00:09:22,784 --> 00:09:24,458
and I hated to send him off like that.
245
00:09:24,483 --> 00:09:26,183
So I'll come next week?
246
00:09:26,208 --> 00:09:28,331
Next week. Why not?
247
00:09:28,356 --> 00:09:30,052
Bye, Archie.
248
00:09:30,077 --> 00:09:32,427
- Good night, Penny.
- Good night.
249
00:09:41,798 --> 00:09:43,565
Barbra Streisand: ♪ If
you want to buy a kite ♪
250
00:09:43,590 --> 00:09:45,656
♪ Or a pup to keep you up at night ♪
251
00:09:45,681 --> 00:09:47,342
♪ Or a dwarf who used
to know Snow White ♪
252
00:09:47,409 --> 00:09:49,644
♪ Or a frog who loves to sing ♪
253
00:09:49,711 --> 00:09:53,315
♪ Come to the supermarket
in old Peking ♪
254
00:09:53,381 --> 00:09:55,117
♪ If you want a bust of jade ♪
255
00:09:55,206 --> 00:09:57,077
♪ Or an egg that's
more or less decayed ♪
256
00:09:57,102 --> 00:09:59,021
♪ Or in case you'd care to meet a maid ♪
257
00:09:59,087 --> 00:10:01,423
♪ For a nice but naughty fling ♪
258
00:10:01,489 --> 00:10:04,359
♪ Come to the supermarket
in old Peking ♪
259
00:10:04,426 --> 00:10:07,062
♪ They have bird nest
soup, seaweed soup ♪
260
00:10:07,129 --> 00:10:09,132
♪ Noodle soup, poodle soup ♪
261
00:10:09,157 --> 00:10:10,966
♪ Talking crows with the croup ♪
262
00:10:11,074 --> 00:10:13,007
♪ Almost anything ♪
263
00:10:13,032 --> 00:10:14,593
♪ If you want to buy a saw ♪
264
00:10:14,618 --> 00:10:16,420
♪ Or a fish delicious when it's raw ♪
265
00:10:16,445 --> 00:10:18,502
♪ Or a pill to kill your mother-in-law ♪
266
00:10:18,527 --> 00:10:20,896
♪ Or a bee without a sting ♪
267
00:10:20,921 --> 00:10:22,413
♪ Come to the supermarket ♪
268
00:10:22,452 --> 00:10:24,154
♪ If you come on a
turtle, you can park it ♪
269
00:10:24,220 --> 00:10:25,888
♪ So come to the supermarket ♪
270
00:10:25,956 --> 00:10:27,938
♪ If you come on a
goose, you can park it ♪
271
00:10:27,963 --> 00:10:29,859
♪ So come to the supermarket ♪
272
00:10:29,926 --> 00:10:31,861
♪ And see ♪
273
00:10:31,935 --> 00:10:37,470
♪ Peking ♪
274
00:10:37,495 --> 00:10:39,729
♪ ♪
275
00:10:40,470 --> 00:10:43,385
- [rhythm section]
- [chatter]
276
00:10:50,246 --> 00:10:53,558
♪ Some people say man
is made out of mud ♪
277
00:10:53,887 --> 00:10:57,162
♪ A poor man's made out
of muscle and blood ♪
278
00:10:57,187 --> 00:11:00,256
♪ Muscle and blood and skin and bone ♪
279
00:11:00,323 --> 00:11:03,226
♪ A mind that's weak and
a back that's strong ♪
280
00:11:03,293 --> 00:11:05,095
- ♪ You load 16 tons... ♪
- Packed house.
281
00:11:05,161 --> 00:11:06,429
Yeah, it won't be at 1:45.
282
00:11:06,496 --> 00:11:08,298
Oi, my God, with the one-track mind.
283
00:11:08,348 --> 00:11:11,148
- Go. Sit. Let the master work.
- [phone rings]
284
00:11:11,173 --> 00:11:13,327
♪ Don't you call me
'cause I can't go ♪
285
00:11:13,369 --> 00:11:14,870
- [ring]
- ♪ I owe my soul ♪
286
00:11:14,937 --> 00:11:16,339
♪ To the company store ♪
287
00:11:16,406 --> 00:11:18,008
- Waitress: Coming right up.
- [ring]
288
00:11:18,074 --> 00:11:20,243
Fuck!
289
00:11:20,310 --> 00:11:21,711
[ring]
290
00:11:21,777 --> 00:11:24,499
What? Gaslight. What?
291
00:11:24,524 --> 00:11:26,149
Yes. We're open.
292
00:11:26,216 --> 00:11:28,384
Don't know. When everyone's gone.
293
00:11:28,850 --> 00:11:31,487
Dr. Salk should find
a vaccine for morons.
294
00:11:31,554 --> 00:11:33,956
- Yes?
- I'm looking for Baz.
295
00:11:34,024 --> 00:11:35,558
Shitter, back on the right.
296
00:11:35,703 --> 00:11:37,608
I'll wait till he's done.
297
00:11:38,628 --> 00:11:40,795
- That the brisket?
- It's for Baz.
298
00:11:40,820 --> 00:11:42,725
- We pay the coffee guy?
- Yes.
299
00:11:42,750 --> 00:11:44,379
Where in here does it say that?
300
00:11:44,404 --> 00:11:45,947
Jesus Christ, Baz.
301
00:11:46,069 --> 00:11:47,670
Hello, Midge. Is that...
302
00:11:47,737 --> 00:11:49,072
I made my brisket.
303
00:11:49,139 --> 00:11:51,893
So I'm guessing your husband
doesn't like his time slot tonight.
304
00:11:51,918 --> 00:11:54,361
No, he loves his time slot.
He loves any time slot.
305
00:11:54,386 --> 00:11:55,650
There's just a tiny problem.
306
00:11:55,675 --> 00:11:57,137
Our daughter is sick.
307
00:11:57,162 --> 00:11:59,057
Ear-ache, and 1:45 is just so late.
308
00:11:59,082 --> 00:12:00,330
I didn't know what to do. I thought...
309
00:12:00,355 --> 00:12:01,940
Didn't your son have
the measles last week?
310
00:12:01,965 --> 00:12:04,462
What? Uh, yes. Yes, he did.
311
00:12:04,487 --> 00:12:06,456
And the week before that,
your mother had rickets?
312
00:12:06,522 --> 00:12:08,691
Yes. So painful.
313
00:12:08,758 --> 00:12:10,932
And last month, your
sister-in-law broke her toe.
314
00:12:10,957 --> 00:12:13,283
Your brother threw out his back.
That's a lot of health issues.
315
00:12:13,308 --> 00:12:15,331
Your family might
want to eat some fruit.
316
00:12:15,398 --> 00:12:17,344
I'll take that into consideration.
317
00:12:17,369 --> 00:12:19,135
Okay. 10:30.
318
00:12:19,202 --> 00:12:21,471
Next time, I'd like some latkes.
319
00:12:21,537 --> 00:12:23,673
I make great latkes, genius latkes.
320
00:12:23,739 --> 00:12:25,007
You won't be sorry.
321
00:12:25,075 --> 00:12:26,442
♪ Saint Peter, don't you call me ♪
322
00:12:26,509 --> 00:12:28,244
- ♪ 'Cause I can't go ♪
- Pussy.
323
00:12:28,311 --> 00:12:31,347
♪ I owe my soul to the company store ♪
324
00:12:31,653 --> 00:12:33,411
- 10:30.
- You're kidding.
325
00:12:33,436 --> 00:12:34,950
Mm-hmm. Where's my kiss?
326
00:12:35,017 --> 00:12:37,286
I should be kissing the brisket.
327
00:12:37,311 --> 00:12:38,488
[giggling]
328
00:12:38,554 --> 00:12:40,490
♪ A lot of men didn't, a lot... ♪
329
00:12:40,556 --> 00:12:41,991
The next act up...
330
00:12:42,058 --> 00:12:44,760
is a nice clean-cut young man,
331
00:12:44,827 --> 00:12:46,452
somebody your mother would love.
332
00:12:46,477 --> 00:12:47,626
He's a comedian.
333
00:12:47,666 --> 00:12:50,603
Give a big hand for Joel Maisel.
334
00:12:56,169 --> 00:12:57,669
Thanks a lot.
335
00:12:57,779 --> 00:13:00,711
So many of you may have read the book
336
00:13:00,736 --> 00:13:02,270
The Hidden Persuaders.
337
00:13:02,295 --> 00:13:04,080
It's about Madison
Avenue's marketing men
338
00:13:04,147 --> 00:13:06,316
and how they create the public personas
339
00:13:06,382 --> 00:13:09,350
we all learn to know and trust,
340
00:13:09,375 --> 00:13:11,131
- and vote for.
- [light laughter]
341
00:13:11,156 --> 00:13:12,722
Well, what if,
342
00:13:12,788 --> 00:13:14,724
during the Civil War,
343
00:13:14,790 --> 00:13:17,059
there was no Lincoln?
344
00:13:17,290 --> 00:13:18,861
What if they had to create him?
345
00:13:18,928 --> 00:13:19,978
[laughter]
346
00:13:20,003 --> 00:13:22,064
This is a telephone conversation
347
00:13:22,132 --> 00:13:24,234
between Abe Lincoln and his press agent
348
00:13:24,300 --> 00:13:26,048
just before Gettysburg.
349
00:13:28,837 --> 00:13:30,640
Hi, Abe, sweetheart. How are you, kid?
350
00:13:30,706 --> 00:13:31,707
[laughter]
351
00:13:31,774 --> 00:13:33,524
How's Gettysburg?
352
00:13:33,549 --> 00:13:34,878
Sort of a drag, huh?
353
00:13:34,944 --> 00:13:37,680
Well, Abe, you know them
small Pennsylvania towns...
354
00:13:37,747 --> 00:13:40,082
you seen one, you seen them all.
355
00:13:40,494 --> 00:13:42,128
What's the problem?
356
00:13:43,119 --> 00:13:44,687
You're thinking of shaving it off?
357
00:13:44,754 --> 00:13:46,083
Uh, Abe,
358
00:13:46,108 --> 00:13:48,090
don't you see that's part of the image?
359
00:13:48,158 --> 00:13:50,826
Right, with the shawl
and the stove pipe hat
360
00:13:50,893 --> 00:13:52,539
and the string tie.
361
00:13:53,563 --> 00:13:55,231
You don't have the shawl?
362
00:13:55,298 --> 00:13:56,602
[laughter]
363
00:13:56,627 --> 00:13:58,539
Where's the shawl, Abe?
364
00:13:58,836 --> 00:14:00,498
You left it in Washington?
365
00:14:00,523 --> 00:14:02,004
What are you wearing, Abe?
366
00:14:02,079 --> 00:14:03,828
A sort of cardigan?
367
00:14:03,853 --> 00:14:05,827
Abe, don't you see that doesn't go
368
00:14:05,852 --> 00:14:07,421
with the string tie and beard?
369
00:14:07,446 --> 00:14:08,952
[laughter]
370
00:14:08,977 --> 00:14:11,813
Abe, would you leave the beard
on and get the shawl, huh?
371
00:14:11,838 --> 00:14:13,162
[laughter]
372
00:14:13,187 --> 00:14:15,389
All right, now, Abe, you
got your speech, right?
373
00:14:15,414 --> 00:14:18,020
Abe, you haven't changed
the speech, have you?
374
00:14:18,087 --> 00:14:20,190
$3.30 and one subway token.
375
00:14:20,256 --> 00:14:21,357
I'll take that token.
376
00:14:21,424 --> 00:14:23,125
Tonight was great. I killed.
377
00:14:23,193 --> 00:14:24,760
I had a good time, so I killed.
378
00:14:24,869 --> 00:14:27,605
I need an audience. I
feed off an audience.
379
00:14:27,630 --> 00:14:29,665
I finished, people started
to leave. Did you see that?
380
00:14:29,732 --> 00:14:30,933
I almost left myself.
381
00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:32,335
10:30. Perfect slot.
382
00:14:32,402 --> 00:14:33,936
Give me that slot again next time.
383
00:14:34,003 --> 00:14:35,999
Hey. here.
384
00:14:38,125 --> 00:14:39,493
Saw your act.
385
00:14:43,362 --> 00:14:45,185
Don't forget the latkes.
386
00:14:47,013 --> 00:14:49,252
- Who's that guy?
- She works there.
387
00:14:49,319 --> 00:14:51,904
Heh heh. Only in the Village.
388
00:14:52,087 --> 00:14:53,356
Taxi!
389
00:14:53,423 --> 00:14:55,849
You got three more laughs
tonight than you did last time,
390
00:14:55,874 --> 00:14:58,769
and a couple of extra, like, laughlets.
391
00:14:58,794 --> 00:15:00,796
But what you were shaking your head for?
392
00:15:00,863 --> 00:15:03,966
- Hmm?
- Nothing. You were great.
393
00:15:04,221 --> 00:15:06,307
I was great.
394
00:15:06,889 --> 00:15:08,158
You know,
395
00:15:08,183 --> 00:15:11,716
you don't really say
hello to the audience.
396
00:15:11,741 --> 00:15:13,276
Maybe you should write a beginning,
397
00:15:13,343 --> 00:15:15,581
something that says who
you are or something.
398
00:15:15,606 --> 00:15:16,955
What do you think?
399
00:15:16,980 --> 00:15:18,515
[snoring]
400
00:15:23,185 --> 00:15:25,721
Good evening. What a nice...
401
00:15:26,062 --> 00:15:27,731
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
402
00:15:27,756 --> 00:15:29,325
Thank you for the nice... nice...
403
00:15:29,392 --> 00:15:31,616
"Nice" is a bad, bad word.
404
00:15:33,297 --> 00:15:34,832
All that applause for me?
405
00:15:34,857 --> 00:15:36,849
What am I, putting out after?
406
00:15:37,481 --> 00:15:40,384
One standing ovation,
everyone goes home pregnant.
407
00:15:44,374 --> 00:15:46,242
Maybe you could do impressions to start.
408
00:15:46,309 --> 00:15:49,172
You do a great one of my
aunt Bertha ordering dinner.
409
00:15:49,197 --> 00:15:52,192
"A garnish can be festive but deadly."
410
00:15:52,217 --> 00:15:54,500
- Good night, Gracie.
- Good night, Gracie.
411
00:16:07,630 --> 00:16:08,898
[snoring]
412
00:16:23,946 --> 00:16:25,815
[water running]
413
00:17:07,289 --> 00:17:09,372
[water running]
414
00:17:39,196 --> 00:17:41,971
[alarm buzzes]
415
00:17:45,795 --> 00:17:46,877
[stop]
416
00:17:50,833 --> 00:17:51,834
Hey.
417
00:17:53,035 --> 00:17:54,169
Good morning.
418
00:17:54,236 --> 00:17:55,505
[yawn]
419
00:17:55,571 --> 00:17:58,441
- Did the alarm go off?
- It sure did.
420
00:17:58,508 --> 00:18:00,410
Wow. I didn't hear it at all.
421
00:18:00,523 --> 00:18:02,385
You never do.
422
00:18:06,982 --> 00:18:09,260
Peggy Lee: ♪ Yes, it's a good day ♪
423
00:18:09,285 --> 00:18:10,932
♪ For singin' a song ♪
424
00:18:10,957 --> 00:18:12,822
♪ And it's a good day ♪
425
00:18:12,888 --> 00:18:14,690
♪ For movin' along ♪
426
00:18:14,757 --> 00:18:16,859
- ♪ Yes, it's a good day ♪
- [buzz]
427
00:18:16,926 --> 00:18:18,928
♪ How could anything be wrong? ♪
428
00:18:18,994 --> 00:18:21,864
♪ A good day from mornin' till night ♪
429
00:18:21,931 --> 00:18:24,681
- Good morning, Jerry.
- Good morning, Mrs. Maisel.
430
00:18:24,706 --> 00:18:26,469
♪ For shining your shoes ♪
431
00:18:26,536 --> 00:18:28,580
♪ And it's a good day ♪
432
00:18:28,605 --> 00:18:30,774
♪ For losin' the blues ♪
433
00:18:30,840 --> 00:18:32,842
- ♪ Everything to gain ♪
- Thanks, Jerry.
434
00:18:32,908 --> 00:18:34,677
♪ Nothin' to lose ♪
435
00:18:34,744 --> 00:18:37,413
♪ A good day from mornin' till night ♪
436
00:18:38,216 --> 00:18:39,815
Hello. It's me.
437
00:18:39,882 --> 00:18:41,751
Good morning, Miss Miriam.
Can I get you some coffee?
438
00:18:41,817 --> 00:18:43,724
Oh, yes, Zelda, please.
439
00:18:44,185 --> 00:18:45,888
- Good morning, Papa.
- Mm.
440
00:18:45,955 --> 00:18:47,423
Good morning, Ethan.
441
00:18:47,490 --> 00:18:49,058
Good morning, Ethan.
442
00:18:49,124 --> 00:18:51,691
Ethan. Ethan. Ethan.
443
00:18:51,716 --> 00:18:52,828
E... Never mind.
444
00:18:52,895 --> 00:18:54,530
- Here you are.
- Did you get coffee?
445
00:18:54,597 --> 00:18:56,611
Yes, and a great welcome from my son.
446
00:18:56,636 --> 00:18:58,738
- Men.
- Thanks for taking the kids last night.
447
00:18:58,763 --> 00:19:01,036
- Were they okay?
- We need to talk about the baby.
448
00:19:01,103 --> 00:19:03,073
Why? What's the matter with her?
449
00:19:04,925 --> 00:19:06,970
That forehead is not improving.
450
00:19:06,995 --> 00:19:08,711
- What? Are you sure?
- It's getting bigger.
451
00:19:08,778 --> 00:19:10,331
The whole face will
be out of proportion.
452
00:19:10,356 --> 00:19:12,423
Look at the nose. It's elongating now.
453
00:19:12,448 --> 00:19:15,084
The nose is not the problem.
The nose you can fix.
454
00:19:15,150 --> 00:19:17,820
- But this gigantic forehead.
- Ma, there's always bangs.
455
00:19:17,887 --> 00:19:20,040
I'm just afraid she's
not a very pretty girl.
456
00:19:20,065 --> 00:19:22,204
- Mama, she's a baby.
- I just want her to be happy.
457
00:19:22,229 --> 00:19:24,034
It's easier to be happy
when you're pretty.
458
00:19:24,059 --> 00:19:25,136
[crying]
459
00:19:25,161 --> 00:19:27,495
- You're right. Bangs will help.
- Mm-hmm.
460
00:19:34,280 --> 00:19:37,272
Zelda, don't clean in here.
It's fine just the way it is.
461
00:19:37,339 --> 00:19:39,108
How did Joel's little show go?
462
00:19:39,174 --> 00:19:40,409
It went very well.
463
00:19:40,434 --> 00:19:42,235
I still don't understand
this whole thing.
464
00:19:42,260 --> 00:19:43,746
Whom is he performing for?
465
00:19:43,813 --> 00:19:45,848
- Anyone who shows up.
- And they pay you?
466
00:19:45,915 --> 00:19:47,550
They pass around a basket
at the end of your set,
467
00:19:47,575 --> 00:19:49,142
and whatever's in it
you get to take home.
468
00:19:49,167 --> 00:19:50,720
If you need money,
we can give you money.
469
00:19:50,745 --> 00:19:51,886
No, we don't need money.
470
00:19:51,911 --> 00:19:54,353
Joel is funny, and he
likes to do his comedy.
471
00:19:54,378 --> 00:19:55,658
How long are you going to be doing this,
472
00:19:55,725 --> 00:19:58,815
running around at night, taking
money from strangers like a schnorrer?
473
00:19:58,840 --> 00:20:00,195
As long as it's fun.
474
00:20:00,262 --> 00:20:02,331
Six to nine more months
left on those arms.
475
00:20:02,397 --> 00:20:04,651
Really? I've been doing those
exercises with the soup cans.
476
00:20:04,676 --> 00:20:06,502
Forget the cans. Buy a bolero.
477
00:20:06,569 --> 00:20:07,770
How did you get in here?
478
00:20:07,837 --> 00:20:09,190
Zelda: I came through the other door.
479
00:20:09,215 --> 00:20:11,688
Just because there is a door
does not mean you use it.
480
00:20:11,713 --> 00:20:13,909
A door does not represent
infinite possibilities.
481
00:20:13,976 --> 00:20:16,376
- Is everything ordered for next week?
- Yes, all done.
482
00:20:16,401 --> 00:20:18,748
- Ethan, put your coat on.
- You have a whole apartment to clean.
483
00:20:18,814 --> 00:20:20,482
Just leave this room the way it is.
484
00:20:20,550 --> 00:20:21,917
I thought we'd do dinner at your place.
485
00:20:21,984 --> 00:20:24,274
- Your dining room's bigger than ours.
- Our dining room is fine.
486
00:20:24,299 --> 00:20:26,008
If you don't entertain, it's fine.
487
00:20:26,033 --> 00:20:27,657
I'll call you later. Bye, Papa.
488
00:20:27,723 --> 00:20:29,124
Clean the bathroom. Clean the bathroom.
489
00:20:29,191 --> 00:20:30,727
- Say goodbye, Ethan.
- You love bathrooms.
490
00:20:30,752 --> 00:20:32,394
Ethan. Ethan.
491
00:20:32,445 --> 00:20:33,982
- Clean them again.
- Ethan. E...
492
00:20:34,007 --> 00:20:35,141
Never mind.
493
00:20:36,305 --> 00:20:38,342
♪ For fun it's the premium one ♪
494
00:20:38,367 --> 00:20:40,803
She's going on and on
about this miracle treatment
495
00:20:40,828 --> 00:20:41,903
she had done in Mexico.
496
00:20:41,928 --> 00:20:43,980
It involved goat's milk and avocadoes.
497
00:20:44,005 --> 00:20:45,753
Right ankle 8, left ankle 8.
498
00:20:45,778 --> 00:20:46,976
They smear it on your face,
499
00:20:47,001 --> 00:20:48,278
wrap a hot towel around your head,
500
00:20:48,303 --> 00:20:49,637
and stick two straws up your nose.
501
00:20:49,662 --> 00:20:51,096
Right calf 11, left calf 11.
502
00:20:51,121 --> 00:20:52,456
So you can breathe through the straws.
503
00:20:52,481 --> 00:20:54,725
Then they put you on a boat
and row you out to sea...
504
00:20:54,750 --> 00:20:55,950
Right thigh 18.
505
00:20:55,975 --> 00:20:58,380
And they drop the anchor, and
you sit there for four hours.
506
00:20:58,405 --> 00:20:59,673
Left thigh 18 1/2.
507
00:20:59,698 --> 00:21:01,746
- Then they row you back in...
- Hips 34.
508
00:21:01,771 --> 00:21:03,525
- And they scrape you down...
- Waist 25.
509
00:21:03,593 --> 00:21:05,316
... slap you in the face
with old banana skins...
510
00:21:05,341 --> 00:21:07,543
- Bust 32.
- ... charge you $75, and send you home.
511
00:21:07,568 --> 00:21:09,464
She thinks she looks 20.
I think she looks the same.
512
00:21:09,531 --> 00:21:12,550
- Mm.
- God, you are so proportional.
513
00:21:12,575 --> 00:21:14,469
How long have you been
measuring yourself like this?
514
00:21:14,494 --> 00:21:15,929
Every day for ten years.
515
00:21:15,954 --> 00:21:17,513
- Even when you were pregnant?
- Mm.
516
00:21:17,538 --> 00:21:19,325
There's not enough
Daiquiris in the world.
517
00:21:19,350 --> 00:21:21,066
... Chicago, one of the great comedy...
518
00:21:21,091 --> 00:21:22,700
- ... recording stars in the country...
- [door opens]
519
00:21:22,725 --> 00:21:24,872
Bob Newhart. So let's hear it...
520
00:21:24,897 --> 00:21:27,399
There you are. Are you
hungry? I made curry,
521
00:21:27,424 --> 00:21:29,084
and I ordered Chinese
in case it's awful.
522
00:21:29,151 --> 00:21:30,551
I'm sure it's fine.
523
00:21:30,576 --> 00:21:32,354
- Did we have children?
- They're upstairs.
524
00:21:32,421 --> 00:21:33,956
- Hi, Imogene.
- Hey, Joel.
525
00:21:34,023 --> 00:21:36,527
Did you hear we're coming
downtown to see you tomorrow night?
526
00:21:36,552 --> 00:21:38,327
We haven't been below 14th in months.
527
00:21:38,352 --> 00:21:40,293
- We're very excited.
- Don't except too much.
528
00:21:40,318 --> 00:21:41,530
Oh, you'd better be great.
529
00:21:41,597 --> 00:21:42,898
I'm going to wear a beret.
530
00:21:42,965 --> 00:21:44,033
- See you tomorrow.
- Bye.
531
00:21:44,099 --> 00:21:46,846
- Mwah. Goodbye, Joel.
- Bye.
532
00:21:46,871 --> 00:21:49,855
Ah, the curry's terrible.
We'll have the takeout.
533
00:21:50,355 --> 00:21:51,924
Bob Newhart: You've seen
one, you've seen them all.
534
00:21:51,949 --> 00:21:53,275
[chuckling]
535
00:21:53,342 --> 00:21:55,656
Right. Uh, listen, Abe, I got...
536
00:21:55,681 --> 00:21:57,409
What's the problem?
537
00:21:57,434 --> 00:22:00,382
Y-you're thinking of shaving it off?
538
00:22:00,449 --> 00:22:01,917
[laughter]
539
00:22:01,984 --> 00:22:03,218
Uh, Abe,
540
00:22:03,285 --> 00:22:05,440
don't you see that's part of the image?
541
00:22:05,465 --> 00:22:09,447
Right, with the shawl and the
stove pipe hat and the string tie.
542
00:22:09,720 --> 00:22:11,126
You don't have the shawl?
543
00:22:11,151 --> 00:22:12,169
[laughter]
544
00:22:12,194 --> 00:22:15,033
- Uh, where's the shawl, Abe?
- Joel?
545
00:22:15,259 --> 00:22:16,632
Joel.
546
00:22:17,118 --> 00:22:18,600
You're not gonna believe this.
547
00:22:18,668 --> 00:22:20,569
Bob Newhart is doing your act.
548
00:22:20,636 --> 00:22:22,541
- What?
- Bob Newhart.
549
00:22:22,566 --> 00:22:24,877
He's on "Ed Sullivan."
He's doing your act.
550
00:22:24,902 --> 00:22:27,019
He must have come to the club
one night and seen you perform,
551
00:22:27,044 --> 00:22:29,418
and now he's on television
doing it just like you do.
552
00:22:29,443 --> 00:22:31,119
Well, it's a little bit different
because he does it faster,
553
00:22:31,144 --> 00:22:33,849
which is better, actually,
but that's besides the point.
554
00:22:33,916 --> 00:22:35,284
I'm mad. Aren't you mad?
555
00:22:35,350 --> 00:22:36,618
Midge, relax.
556
00:22:36,678 --> 00:22:37,834
You're not mad.
557
00:22:37,881 --> 00:22:38,988
No.
558
00:22:39,054 --> 00:22:40,389
Or stunned.
559
00:22:40,455 --> 00:22:42,191
Not even mildly bemused?
560
00:22:42,257 --> 00:22:43,896
It's his act.
561
00:22:44,581 --> 00:22:45,849
What?
562
00:22:45,874 --> 00:22:47,670
Are you gonna put the
rest of this on a platter?
563
00:22:47,695 --> 00:22:49,832
How is it his act? How
do you know his act?
564
00:22:49,899 --> 00:22:51,400
I've got his record.
565
00:22:51,466 --> 00:22:53,568
So you stole Bob Newhart's act.
566
00:22:53,635 --> 00:22:55,611
It's fine. Everybody does it.
567
00:22:55,636 --> 00:22:57,837
- Everybody steals his act?
- Yes.
568
00:22:57,862 --> 00:22:59,696
No. Not steals.
569
00:22:59,721 --> 00:23:01,751
Borrows. It's no big deal.
570
00:23:01,776 --> 00:23:03,045
It's not? When I found out
571
00:23:03,112 --> 00:23:04,613
June Freedman used my meatloaf recipe,
572
00:23:04,680 --> 00:23:06,391
I almost stabbed her
in the eye with a fork.
573
00:23:06,416 --> 00:23:08,805
- Everybody in comedy steals...
- Borrows.
574
00:23:08,830 --> 00:23:10,920
... borrows everybody else's jokes,
575
00:23:10,945 --> 00:23:12,121
especially at the beginning.
576
00:23:12,187 --> 00:23:14,189
Bob Newhart probably used
Henny Youngman's stuff
577
00:23:14,256 --> 00:23:15,390
when he started.
578
00:23:15,457 --> 00:23:17,523
- It's how it's done.
- Oh.
579
00:23:17,727 --> 00:23:20,329
- Well, if that's how it's done.
- It is.
580
00:23:22,497 --> 00:23:24,333
I thought you'd written it...
581
00:23:24,399 --> 00:23:25,628
that act.
582
00:23:28,385 --> 00:23:29,839
I feel a little silly now.
583
00:23:29,905 --> 00:23:32,274
Well, I did put my spin on it.
584
00:23:32,341 --> 00:23:34,659
- Yes. You slowed it down.
- And my inflection is different.
585
00:23:34,684 --> 00:23:37,189
Right. I'm new to this, so...
586
00:23:37,214 --> 00:23:39,614
- You'll learn.
- I guess I will.
587
00:23:39,681 --> 00:23:42,118
- You want a drink?
- Sure.
588
00:23:45,241 --> 00:23:48,177
Guess I'd better go apologize
to June Freedman now.
589
00:23:57,959 --> 00:24:00,061
[phone rings]
590
00:24:03,336 --> 00:24:04,600
- Hello.
- How's the brisket?
591
00:24:04,625 --> 00:24:06,225
- Is it okay?
- Do you know something I don't?
592
00:24:06,250 --> 00:24:07,476
Just answer the question, Midge.
593
00:24:07,542 --> 00:24:08,811
Yes. It's fine. What's the matter?
594
00:24:08,878 --> 00:24:10,279
I had to work straight through lunch,
595
00:24:10,345 --> 00:24:12,563
so I couldn't go downtown
to get a time for tonight.
596
00:24:12,948 --> 00:24:14,884
- Tonight, you understand?
- Tonight. Yes, I understand.
597
00:24:14,950 --> 00:24:16,500
Archie and Imogene are coming, remember?
598
00:24:16,525 --> 00:24:17,554
Of course I remember.
599
00:24:17,579 --> 00:24:20,089
They're coming tonight,
and I don't have a time.
600
00:24:20,155 --> 00:24:22,091
You know what? Cancel
them. Tell them I'm sick.
601
00:24:22,157 --> 00:24:23,658
They've got a babysitter.
It's all arranged.
602
00:24:23,725 --> 00:24:25,194
I should have changed
that lunch, damn it.
603
00:24:25,260 --> 00:24:26,796
Joel, come on. I promise you'll get on.
604
00:24:26,862 --> 00:24:28,530
I'll bring the brisket.
I'll do my thing.
605
00:24:28,597 --> 00:24:30,238
Everything will be fine, okay?
606
00:24:30,263 --> 00:24:32,034
- Okay.
- Hey.
607
00:24:32,101 --> 00:24:33,502
Remember this whole comedy thing,
608
00:24:33,568 --> 00:24:34,636
it's supposed to be fun.
609
00:24:34,703 --> 00:24:36,105
That's why we do it, right?
610
00:24:36,171 --> 00:24:37,873
Right. Well, you'll have to bring me
611
00:24:37,940 --> 00:24:39,341
my show sweater. I left it at home.
612
00:24:39,408 --> 00:24:41,410
- I can do that.
- And you have to be here right at 8.
613
00:24:41,476 --> 00:24:42,786
I will be on time.
614
00:24:42,811 --> 00:24:44,379
Okay. I should go.
615
00:24:46,115 --> 00:24:47,582
[exhale]
616
00:24:47,649 --> 00:24:48,918
Huh.
617
00:24:49,476 --> 00:24:51,912
Your daddy is crazy.
618
00:24:52,756 --> 00:24:55,045
Now let's measure that forehead.
619
00:24:57,745 --> 00:24:59,463
Pull over here. I'll just be a minute.
620
00:25:00,080 --> 00:25:02,002
- Oh, geez.
- Where the hell have you been?
621
00:25:02,027 --> 00:25:03,197
- It's 8:30.
- I know. I'm sorry.
622
00:25:03,222 --> 00:25:04,967
Go. Go, go.
623
00:25:10,372 --> 00:25:11,907
- Do you have my sweater?
- Yes.
624
00:25:11,974 --> 00:25:13,221
You didn't have to stand out there.
625
00:25:13,246 --> 00:25:15,948
- I would have come up.
- You get here at 8, you come up.
626
00:25:16,260 --> 00:25:17,546
Are you kidding me?
627
00:25:17,612 --> 00:25:19,014
- What?
- Holes.
628
00:25:19,081 --> 00:25:20,673
- Holes everywhere.
- What?
629
00:25:20,698 --> 00:25:22,339
I can't believe you didn't look
at it before you left the house.
630
00:25:22,364 --> 00:25:24,519
I was in a hurry to meet
you. You can hardly see them.
631
00:25:24,586 --> 00:25:26,048
Hardly see? Look, look.
632
00:25:26,073 --> 00:25:28,858
A hole here, a hole
here, two holes here.
633
00:25:28,924 --> 00:25:30,182
I mean, how does this happen?
634
00:25:30,207 --> 00:25:31,660
It was probably a moth.
635
00:25:31,726 --> 00:25:33,362
- A moth?
- Yes.
636
00:25:33,428 --> 00:25:34,596
What moth?
637
00:25:34,663 --> 00:25:35,998
Ted. Ted the Moth.
638
00:25:36,065 --> 00:25:37,666
Dime-sized holes, that's his signature.
639
00:25:37,732 --> 00:25:39,854
- You think this is funny?
- I think it doesn't matter.
640
00:25:39,879 --> 00:25:41,893
Going on stage with holes
in my shirt like a bum.
641
00:25:41,918 --> 00:25:45,004
It's downtown. If you have
underwear on, you're overdressed.
642
00:25:47,076 --> 00:25:49,011
Hey, why don't you talk about it?
643
00:25:49,078 --> 00:25:50,312
- About what?
- About your sweater.
644
00:25:50,379 --> 00:25:51,813
You know, joke about it in your act.
645
00:25:51,838 --> 00:25:53,739
It'll be fun, personal, yours.
646
00:25:53,849 --> 00:25:54,950
I don't know.
647
00:25:55,017 --> 00:25:56,537
Oh, great. They're here.
648
00:25:56,562 --> 00:25:57,853
Okay, why don't you go join them,
649
00:25:57,920 --> 00:25:59,554
have a cup of coffee, calm down?
650
00:25:59,621 --> 00:26:00,922
I'll go deal with this, okay?
651
00:26:00,947 --> 00:26:03,893
- Yeah, fine. Hurry.
- Mm-hmm.
652
00:26:07,796 --> 00:26:09,736
Excuse me. Is Baz around?
653
00:26:09,761 --> 00:26:11,029
Nope.
654
00:26:14,589 --> 00:26:15,924
Excuse me.
655
00:26:15,949 --> 00:26:19,953
Um, do you see my husband
Joel Maisel over there?
656
00:26:21,110 --> 00:26:22,996
Okay. He couldn't get away from work
657
00:26:23,021 --> 00:26:25,847
to come down here earlier
for a time to perform.
658
00:26:25,872 --> 00:26:27,349
He's a comedian.
659
00:26:27,839 --> 00:26:29,384
Anyhow, it was a crazy day at work,
660
00:26:29,409 --> 00:26:31,020
and, see, tonight our
best friends are here...
661
00:26:31,086 --> 00:26:32,554
- the Clearys, and...
- Wait a minute.
662
00:26:32,621 --> 00:26:34,214
The Clearys are here?
663
00:26:34,239 --> 00:26:36,519
- You're kidding me. Where?
- Over there.
664
00:26:38,227 --> 00:26:40,750
Well, I will be damned.
665
00:26:40,775 --> 00:26:43,665
Well, that is exciting.
The Clearys are here.
666
00:26:43,732 --> 00:26:45,034
Wow.
667
00:26:47,769 --> 00:26:49,204
Anyhow,
668
00:26:49,271 --> 00:26:51,240
I was wondering if you could find a way
669
00:26:51,306 --> 00:26:53,321
to give my husband a better time...
670
00:26:53,346 --> 00:26:55,039
preferably before 11:30.
671
00:26:55,064 --> 00:26:56,737
- Why isn't he over here?
- What?
672
00:26:56,762 --> 00:26:58,775
Mr. Saturday Night. Why
isn't he asking for the time?
673
00:26:58,800 --> 00:27:00,534
Why are you asking for the time?
674
00:27:00,559 --> 00:27:02,600
Well, I have the brisket.
675
00:27:05,387 --> 00:27:06,637
So...
676
00:27:06,662 --> 00:27:08,598
anything you can do would be great.
677
00:27:08,623 --> 00:27:10,625
So thanks.
678
00:27:13,440 --> 00:27:15,097
That looks like Allen Ginsberg.
679
00:27:15,164 --> 00:27:16,909
Imogene, doesn't that
look like Allen Ginsberg?
680
00:27:16,934 --> 00:27:18,867
Everyone here looks like Allen Ginsberg.
681
00:27:18,934 --> 00:27:20,202
- Hey, there, kitten.
- Hi.
682
00:27:20,269 --> 00:27:22,135
This place is perfectly filthy.
683
00:27:22,160 --> 00:27:24,432
- You should see the bathroom.
- Don't go in the bathroom.
684
00:27:24,457 --> 00:27:25,863
Well, now I'm definitely
going in the bathroom.
685
00:27:25,888 --> 00:27:27,342
[Archie, Midge laugh]
686
00:27:27,409 --> 00:27:29,152
- Oh.
- Archie: No, no. I got this.
687
00:27:29,177 --> 00:27:30,908
A starving artist never pays.
688
00:27:30,933 --> 00:27:33,548
- I'm not a starving artist.
- Your sweater tells another story.
689
00:27:33,615 --> 00:27:34,816
Here you go.
690
00:27:34,883 --> 00:27:36,918
So? What did he say?
691
00:27:36,986 --> 00:27:38,187
Uh, he wasn't there,
692
00:27:38,253 --> 00:27:40,636
but the lady said she'd work it out.
693
00:27:42,124 --> 00:27:44,159
[tuning up]
694
00:27:46,061 --> 00:27:48,632
Man: Now who here likes hillbilly polka?
695
00:27:49,698 --> 00:27:51,366
All right, next up, a lady
696
00:27:51,410 --> 00:27:53,757
fresh off some boat from somewhere.
697
00:27:53,782 --> 00:27:55,037
When the hell am I going on?
698
00:27:55,104 --> 00:27:57,625
- I don't know. Soon.
- Janet Shaw.
699
00:28:01,943 --> 00:28:03,278
Woman: All right.
700
00:28:03,563 --> 00:28:05,847
This poem is about...
701
00:28:06,172 --> 00:28:07,740
Spokane.
702
00:28:11,214 --> 00:28:12,815
Spokane...
703
00:28:14,023 --> 00:28:15,457
Spokane.
704
00:28:17,026 --> 00:28:18,427
Spokane.
705
00:28:20,429 --> 00:28:21,963
Man.
706
00:28:23,965 --> 00:28:25,200
[whisper] I'll be right back.
707
00:28:25,267 --> 00:28:27,942
Rumble of lumber trucks.
708
00:28:28,737 --> 00:28:29,827
Spokane.
709
00:28:29,852 --> 00:28:31,215
- Where is she?
- Who?
710
00:28:31,240 --> 00:28:32,807
The one who looks like
she lives under a bridge.
711
00:28:32,874 --> 00:28:34,776
Oh. Susie. She went out.
712
00:28:34,843 --> 00:28:35,977
Do you know where?
713
00:28:36,045 --> 00:28:37,412
God, no. Who would ask?
714
00:28:37,479 --> 00:28:40,082
Poet: Robbers of the indigenous.
715
00:28:40,149 --> 00:28:41,583
- Any minute now.
- Spokane.
716
00:28:41,608 --> 00:28:43,210
Kitten, we're going to
have to take a rain check.
717
00:28:43,235 --> 00:28:44,553
Oh, it was a blast, though.
718
00:28:44,619 --> 00:28:46,288
Oh, no, wait... wait just a few minutes.
719
00:28:46,355 --> 00:28:47,471
We got to head home, too.
720
00:28:47,496 --> 00:28:49,096
- We can't leave.
- I have an early morning meeting.
721
00:28:49,121 --> 00:28:52,138
I say we just tell everybody
it was Allen Ginsberg.
722
00:28:52,194 --> 00:28:53,767
- You're up.
- [gasp]
723
00:28:54,293 --> 00:28:55,972
What? What did he say?
724
00:28:55,997 --> 00:28:58,708
- I think she said you're up.
- Imogene: Oh, goodie.
725
00:29:00,368 --> 00:29:01,536
Man.
726
00:29:03,605 --> 00:29:04,939
[applause]
727
00:29:05,177 --> 00:29:07,209
Emcee: Thank you, Janet Shaw.
728
00:29:07,276 --> 00:29:09,480
Don't need to go to Spokane now.
729
00:29:09,505 --> 00:29:12,214
All right, up next, we have a comedian.
730
00:29:12,300 --> 00:29:14,136
That's you. Go. Be funny.
731
00:29:14,161 --> 00:29:15,231
[giggling]
732
00:29:15,256 --> 00:29:16,957
- Joel Maisel.
- Whoo!
733
00:29:18,511 --> 00:29:19,808
Whoo!
734
00:29:21,090 --> 00:29:22,324
Thank you. Thanks a lot.
735
00:29:22,391 --> 00:29:24,159
- So exciting.
- [giggling]
736
00:29:25,753 --> 00:29:27,191
So...
737
00:29:27,649 --> 00:29:29,230
my sweater...
738
00:29:29,764 --> 00:29:31,500
It's a new sweater,
739
00:29:31,566 --> 00:29:33,402
but I asked my wife to bring it to me
740
00:29:33,468 --> 00:29:34,926
because I work during the day,
741
00:29:34,951 --> 00:29:37,372
so she does, and I put it on.
742
00:29:37,996 --> 00:29:39,480
Holes.
743
00:29:39,902 --> 00:29:41,706
Holes in my sweater.
744
00:29:49,284 --> 00:29:50,627
So I asked, "How did this happen?"
745
00:29:50,652 --> 00:29:52,053
And she says "Moths."
746
00:29:52,121 --> 00:29:53,955
And I'm like, "Moths? What moths?"
747
00:29:54,022 --> 00:29:55,624
And she says "Ted."
748
00:29:58,267 --> 00:29:59,734
"Ted the Moth."
749
00:30:00,529 --> 00:30:02,097
[audience member coughing]
750
00:30:02,164 --> 00:30:04,333
[whisper] He's very avant garde.
751
00:30:04,399 --> 00:30:06,268
Th-that was just...
that was just something
752
00:30:06,335 --> 00:30:09,129
that, uh... happened.
753
00:30:09,696 --> 00:30:10,722
[door closes]
754
00:30:10,747 --> 00:30:13,184
Okay. So, uh, uh...
755
00:30:13,408 --> 00:30:14,643
anyhow, this is, uh,
756
00:30:14,709 --> 00:30:17,395
a press agent talking to Abe Lincoln.
757
00:30:17,833 --> 00:30:20,081
Hi, Abe, sweetheart. How's Gettys...
758
00:30:20,149 --> 00:30:23,418
Sorry. Did... did any of you read
the book The Hidden Persuaders?
759
00:30:23,485 --> 00:30:24,686
It's about marketing agents,
760
00:30:24,753 --> 00:30:26,441
- and they had to create Abe Lincoln.
- [coughing]
761
00:30:26,466 --> 00:30:29,027
I mean, if they had
to create Abe Lincoln.
762
00:30:29,291 --> 00:30:31,461
The book's not about that. Uh...
763
00:30:31,896 --> 00:30:33,795
this... this bit...
764
00:30:33,862 --> 00:30:35,096
Anyhow...
765
00:30:37,232 --> 00:30:39,334
Hi, Abe, sweetheart. How's Gettysburg?
766
00:30:39,401 --> 00:30:41,194
Kind of a drag, huh?
767
00:30:41,219 --> 00:30:43,338
Well, Abe, you know them
small Pennsylvania towns...
768
00:30:43,405 --> 00:30:45,168
you seen one, you seem them all.
769
00:30:45,277 --> 00:30:46,608
What's the problem?
770
00:30:46,675 --> 00:30:48,610
You're thinking of shaving it off?
771
00:30:48,677 --> 00:30:50,044
[toilet flushes]
772
00:30:50,199 --> 00:30:52,113
Uh, Abe, don't you see?
773
00:30:52,181 --> 00:30:54,516
That's, uh... that doesn't go
with the string tie and b...
774
00:30:54,583 --> 00:30:56,644
Don't you see that's part of the image?
775
00:30:56,669 --> 00:30:59,772
Right, with the shawl and the
stove pipe hat and the string tie.
776
00:31:08,763 --> 00:31:11,700
You told me to talk about my sweater.
777
00:31:11,766 --> 00:31:13,222
I know.
778
00:31:14,481 --> 00:31:15,715
I just thought you'd put it
779
00:31:15,740 --> 00:31:18,110
into some sort of
joke form or something.
780
00:31:19,608 --> 00:31:20,925
Sorry.
781
00:31:28,883 --> 00:31:30,151
Don't.
782
00:31:49,238 --> 00:31:51,171
Can I get you anything?
783
00:32:20,302 --> 00:32:21,785
What are you doing?
784
00:32:22,832 --> 00:32:24,503
I have to go.
785
00:32:25,407 --> 00:32:27,043
I have to leave.
786
00:32:28,527 --> 00:32:30,974
You. I have to leave you.
787
00:32:32,481 --> 00:32:34,182
That's my suitcase.
788
00:32:34,249 --> 00:32:35,669
It is?
789
00:32:36,509 --> 00:32:38,974
You going to leave me with my suitcase?
790
00:32:39,155 --> 00:32:40,889
Joel, tomorrow's Yom Kippur.
791
00:32:40,914 --> 00:32:42,491
I'm... I'm... I'm not happy.
792
00:32:42,557 --> 00:32:44,593
Nobody's happy. It's Yom Kippur.
793
00:32:44,659 --> 00:32:46,060
I don't know how to do this.
794
00:32:46,127 --> 00:32:47,329
I'm not good at things like this.
795
00:32:47,396 --> 00:32:48,697
Things like what? Like leaving me?
796
00:32:48,763 --> 00:32:51,013
- Yes.
- So don't. Practice a little.
797
00:32:51,038 --> 00:32:52,777
Try it again when you feel
more confident about the moves.
798
00:32:52,802 --> 00:32:54,474
- Midge...
- Joel, the rabbi is coming.
799
00:32:54,499 --> 00:32:55,604
Yeah. I know he is.
800
00:32:55,670 --> 00:32:57,232
Five years we've been
trying to get the rabbi,
801
00:32:57,257 --> 00:32:58,907
and this year we got
him. We got the rabbi.
802
00:32:58,973 --> 00:33:02,090
- I should go.
- No. P-Please. I don't understand.
803
00:33:02,115 --> 00:33:04,161
I thought my life was going
to be something different.
804
00:33:04,240 --> 00:33:06,349
I thought I was going
to be someone different,
805
00:33:06,374 --> 00:33:07,630
but tonight was just so terrible.
806
00:33:07,655 --> 00:33:10,118
I mean, a whole room full of
people just watching me bomb.
807
00:33:10,184 --> 00:33:12,354
- It was one stupid night.
- And I'm up there dying,
808
00:33:12,421 --> 00:33:13,588
and I'm thinking about last week.
809
00:33:13,655 --> 00:33:15,089
We're in temple, and the rabbi tells
810
00:33:15,156 --> 00:33:16,558
that stupid Sodom and Gomorrah joke,
811
00:33:16,625 --> 00:33:18,373
and suddenly the whole
synagogue goes nuts.
812
00:33:18,398 --> 00:33:20,228
- So?
- He got more laughs in five minutes
813
00:33:20,295 --> 00:33:21,596
than I did in five months.
814
00:33:21,663 --> 00:33:23,131
You're jealous of the rabbi?
815
00:33:23,197 --> 00:33:24,866
He was in Buchenwald. Throw him a bone.
816
00:33:24,891 --> 00:33:26,868
Did you ever think you were
supposed to be something,
817
00:33:26,935 --> 00:33:29,738
and, uh, and you suddenly
realize you're not?
818
00:33:29,769 --> 00:33:31,743
Yes. Married.
819
00:33:31,768 --> 00:33:33,369
- That's good. You're good.
- Joel, please.
820
00:33:33,394 --> 00:33:35,472
I'm never going to be a
professional comedian, Midge.
821
00:33:35,497 --> 00:33:37,652
- Never.
- No, of course not.
822
00:33:38,313 --> 00:33:39,970
What do you mean, of course not?
823
00:33:39,995 --> 00:33:41,424
What do you mean, what do I mean?
824
00:33:41,449 --> 00:33:43,251
What did you think all those
nights at the club were?
825
00:33:43,318 --> 00:33:44,653
I thought they were fun.
826
00:33:44,719 --> 00:33:46,187
I thought they were
our fun couples thing,
827
00:33:46,254 --> 00:33:47,783
like how the Morgensterns play golf
828
00:33:47,808 --> 00:33:49,123
or how the Meyers ballroom dance
829
00:33:49,190 --> 00:33:51,005
or how the Levins pretend
they're from Warsaw once a week
830
00:33:51,030 --> 00:33:52,627
to get 10% off of that Polish restaurant
831
00:33:52,694 --> 00:33:54,629
- that does Kielbasa Night.
- I can't believe this.
832
00:33:54,696 --> 00:33:56,097
I never knew you were serious about it.
833
00:33:56,164 --> 00:33:57,699
Of course I was serious, Miriam.
834
00:33:57,766 --> 00:33:59,668
What the hell ever made
you think I wasn't serious?
835
00:33:59,734 --> 00:34:02,169
Well, for starters, you were
doing someone else's act.
836
00:34:02,194 --> 00:34:04,958
I told you, everybody
does that when they start.
837
00:34:04,983 --> 00:34:07,374
If you wanted to be a comedian, you
should have at least written a joke.
838
00:34:07,399 --> 00:34:09,319
I tried with the Ted thing.
839
00:34:09,344 --> 00:34:10,812
- I wrote the Ted thing.
- And it bombed.
840
00:34:10,879 --> 00:34:12,681
- Because you killed it.
- Oh, forget it.
841
00:34:12,747 --> 00:34:14,483
Joel, come on. You have a job.
842
00:34:14,549 --> 00:34:16,764
Yet the comedy was a dream.
843
00:34:16,796 --> 00:34:18,453
Do you know what a dream is?
844
00:34:18,520 --> 00:34:21,272
A dream is what keeps you
going in a job you hate.
845
00:34:21,297 --> 00:34:23,193
Since when do you hate your job?
846
00:34:23,218 --> 00:34:24,879
Do you know what I do, Midge?
847
00:34:24,904 --> 00:34:27,153
- You're the vice president of...
- No, no, no, no.
848
00:34:27,178 --> 00:34:28,972
Do you know what I do every day?
849
00:34:28,997 --> 00:34:30,411
Day in and day out,
850
00:34:30,436 --> 00:34:32,567
what the actual physical
machinations of my job are?
851
00:34:32,634 --> 00:34:34,145
- No.
- Neither do I!
852
00:34:34,170 --> 00:34:36,571
I take meetings. I take phone calls.
853
00:34:36,638 --> 00:34:37,906
I shuffle paper around,
854
00:34:37,972 --> 00:34:40,208
and I have no idea of what
the hell I actually do.
855
00:34:40,274 --> 00:34:42,019
Maybe if you did, you'd like it more.
856
00:34:42,847 --> 00:34:45,769
I just thought, with the
brisket and the notebook,
857
00:34:46,313 --> 00:34:48,048
I thought you understood.
858
00:34:49,217 --> 00:34:50,985
I'm sorry.
859
00:34:51,725 --> 00:34:54,714
Yeah. Me, too.
860
00:34:54,878 --> 00:34:57,058
But, Joel, you can't just leave.
861
00:34:57,125 --> 00:34:58,386
I love you.
862
00:34:58,411 --> 00:35:00,916
We have a home. We have children.
863
00:35:00,941 --> 00:35:02,363
- They're going to notice.
- I have to go.
864
00:35:02,431 --> 00:35:04,096
No, no, no. Wait. I will be better.
865
00:35:04,121 --> 00:35:06,760
I will do better. I... I'll...
I'll pay more attention.
866
00:35:06,785 --> 00:35:07,877
You can quit your job.
867
00:35:07,902 --> 00:35:09,303
We can go to the club
every single night,
868
00:35:09,370 --> 00:35:10,405
and I'll buy more notebooks.
869
00:35:10,430 --> 00:35:11,959
I've been having an affair.
870
00:35:14,242 --> 00:35:15,477
It's been going on for months.
871
00:35:15,544 --> 00:35:18,012
- I thought it was a phase, but now...
- Who?
872
00:35:19,490 --> 00:35:20,724
Penny.
873
00:35:23,051 --> 00:35:24,373
Your secretary.
874
00:35:26,088 --> 00:35:27,356
You're leaving me for a girl
875
00:35:27,381 --> 00:35:28,590
who can't figure out
how to sharpen pencils?
876
00:35:28,657 --> 00:35:30,450
It's not about her, and
it was a new sharpener.
877
00:35:30,475 --> 00:35:32,461
It was electric. All
she had to do was push.
878
00:35:32,486 --> 00:35:34,321
Don't you understand?
I need to start over.
879
00:35:34,429 --> 00:35:37,264
- With her? She wins?
- It's not a contest.
880
00:35:37,289 --> 00:35:38,667
I just don't want this life,
881
00:35:38,733 --> 00:35:40,669
this whole upper West Side,
882
00:35:40,735 --> 00:35:42,990
classic six, best seats in temple.
883
00:35:43,015 --> 00:35:44,717
Wife, two kids.
884
00:35:44,939 --> 00:35:46,811
I just don't...
885
00:35:48,401 --> 00:35:49,861
want it.
886
00:35:54,884 --> 00:35:57,095
So you'll tell your parents for me?
887
00:36:02,297 --> 00:36:05,254
Oh, that might be the funniest
thing you've ever said.
888
00:36:05,279 --> 00:36:06,461
- Honey...
- Tomorrow is Yom Kippur.
889
00:36:06,504 --> 00:36:09,106
I have 30 people and a rabbi
coming over for break fast,
890
00:36:09,131 --> 00:36:10,924
and this is the moment
you decide to tell me
891
00:36:10,949 --> 00:36:12,809
you're going to ride off into the sunset
892
00:36:12,834 --> 00:36:14,836
with your half-wit secretary.
893
00:36:14,903 --> 00:36:16,166
Can I just say...
894
00:36:16,191 --> 00:36:20,606
that you have the worst timing ever?
895
00:36:21,154 --> 00:36:22,588
I'm sorry.
896
00:36:22,613 --> 00:36:24,879
Go on. Get out.
897
00:36:24,946 --> 00:36:26,447
Grab some pens on your way out.
898
00:36:26,515 --> 00:36:28,051
You're going to need them.
899
00:36:43,698 --> 00:36:46,100
[Woman singing in French]
900
00:36:53,093 --> 00:36:54,543
Jerry: Good evening, Mr. Maisel.
901
00:36:54,609 --> 00:36:56,110
Going on a trip?
902
00:37:20,301 --> 00:37:22,236
Papa.
903
00:37:22,591 --> 00:37:24,105
Rose.
904
00:37:24,172 --> 00:37:25,661
Papa.
905
00:37:25,686 --> 00:37:27,036
Rose.
906
00:37:27,061 --> 00:37:28,295
Papa, wait. I... I just...
907
00:37:28,320 --> 00:37:30,464
- Rose!
- I'm here. My God.
908
00:37:30,489 --> 00:37:32,714
What are you wearing? It's not thinning.
909
00:37:32,781 --> 00:37:34,669
I have something to tell you.
910
00:37:34,770 --> 00:37:36,387
You should both sit.
911
00:37:40,696 --> 00:37:42,312
Joel left.
912
00:37:42,857 --> 00:37:44,425
He packed up my suitcase,
913
00:37:44,492 --> 00:37:46,060
and he left.
914
00:37:46,317 --> 00:37:47,651
He's gone.
915
00:37:47,676 --> 00:37:49,706
Joel left you?
916
00:37:49,731 --> 00:37:51,333
Yes.
917
00:37:51,358 --> 00:37:53,334
Why? What did you do?
918
00:37:53,401 --> 00:37:55,637
Nothing. I didn't do anything.
919
00:37:55,704 --> 00:37:57,980
He's... he's in love with his secretary.
920
00:37:58,005 --> 00:37:59,940
Did you know this? Did you
know he was having an affair?
921
00:37:59,965 --> 00:38:01,746
- Of course I didn't know.
- [loud clatter]
922
00:38:01,771 --> 00:38:02,911
- God.
- The girl, is she...
923
00:38:03,019 --> 00:38:04,387
Oh, my God. Is she pregnant?
924
00:38:04,412 --> 00:38:05,458
- [loud clatter]
- Shit.
925
00:38:05,483 --> 00:38:06,617
Did you talk like that around him?
926
00:38:06,642 --> 00:38:08,770
- Did you use sailor talk?
- No, I didn't use sailor talk.
927
00:38:08,795 --> 00:38:10,192
She must've been pregnant.
A man doesn't leave
928
00:38:10,217 --> 00:38:11,247
unless the girlfriend is pregnant.
929
00:38:11,272 --> 00:38:12,890
What the hell is he doing in there?
930
00:38:12,915 --> 00:38:13,989
- He's mad.
- At me?
931
00:38:14,014 --> 00:38:15,632
- Shh. They'll hear.
- Who'll hear?
932
00:38:15,657 --> 00:38:17,525
- Them. Them.
- Who is them?
933
00:38:17,592 --> 00:38:18,893
- [sobbing]
- Oh, God, Mama.
934
00:38:18,960 --> 00:38:20,662
- [piano playing]
- Papa.
935
00:38:21,810 --> 00:38:23,131
Papa.
936
00:38:23,197 --> 00:38:25,433
Why are you mad? I
didn't do anything wrong.
937
00:38:25,499 --> 00:38:28,670
When I agreed to send you to
that fancy goyische college,
938
00:38:28,737 --> 00:38:30,672
what was the one thing I told you?
939
00:38:30,739 --> 00:38:31,906
They'll have terrible deli?
940
00:38:31,973 --> 00:38:34,230
- The important thing I told you.
- That was about deli, too.
941
00:38:34,255 --> 00:38:36,458
The other important thing I told you!
942
00:38:36,845 --> 00:38:38,780
Don't pick a weak man.
943
00:38:38,847 --> 00:38:40,582
- Ah.
- [Rose sobbing]
944
00:38:40,855 --> 00:38:42,416
This isn't my fault!
945
00:38:42,483 --> 00:38:43,752
Of course it's your fault.
946
00:38:43,818 --> 00:38:45,553
Rose: Oh, shit!
947
00:38:45,620 --> 00:38:47,088
Mama, please stop crying.
948
00:38:47,155 --> 00:38:49,512
Everything we bring on
ourselves is our own fault.
949
00:38:49,537 --> 00:38:51,926
He was a good husband.
He was a good provider.
950
00:38:51,993 --> 00:38:53,227
What are you going to do now?
951
00:38:53,294 --> 00:38:54,723
What are your children going to do?
952
00:38:54,748 --> 00:38:56,012
- [sobbing continues]
- Mama, for the love of God,
953
00:38:56,037 --> 00:38:58,121
please stop crying in that bedroom!
954
00:38:58,399 --> 00:38:59,868
This isn't fair.
955
00:39:00,443 --> 00:39:02,129
[sobbing] Oh, no!
956
00:39:02,154 --> 00:39:03,437
Much better. Thanks.
957
00:39:03,504 --> 00:39:04,967
Life isn't fair.
958
00:39:04,992 --> 00:39:07,099
It's hard and cruel.
959
00:39:07,141 --> 00:39:10,679
You have to pick your friends
as if there's a war going on.
960
00:39:10,745 --> 00:39:13,414
You want a husband who'll
take a bullet for you,
961
00:39:13,481 --> 00:39:14,783
not one who points to the attic
962
00:39:14,849 --> 00:39:15,984
and says "They're up there."
963
00:39:16,050 --> 00:39:17,318
How can you say that about Joel?
964
00:39:17,385 --> 00:39:19,388
- You liked him.
- I knew what he was.
965
00:39:19,413 --> 00:39:20,554
Why didn't you tell me, then?
966
00:39:20,621 --> 00:39:22,390
- I did tell you!
- When did you tell me?
967
00:39:22,456 --> 00:39:23,758
When you first came home with him.
968
00:39:23,825 --> 00:39:25,493
That night. I looked at you.
969
00:39:25,559 --> 00:39:28,070
I asked, "Is this the choice?"
970
00:39:28,095 --> 00:39:29,497
And you said yes.
971
00:39:29,563 --> 00:39:30,865
That was telling me?
972
00:39:30,924 --> 00:39:32,153
I have to spell it out for you?
973
00:39:32,186 --> 00:39:33,668
Joel's sick. Everything's fine.
974
00:39:33,735 --> 00:39:35,224
Not a word of this to the rabbi.
975
00:39:35,249 --> 00:39:36,905
I'm going to take a bath.
976
00:39:38,357 --> 00:39:39,841
You listen to me, Miriam.
977
00:39:39,908 --> 00:39:42,811
You are a child. You
cannot survive this.
978
00:39:42,836 --> 00:39:45,572
Now, I am no fan of Joel's,
but you need a husband.
979
00:39:45,680 --> 00:39:47,558
And those children need a father.
980
00:39:47,583 --> 00:39:49,613
What am I supposed to do,
go buy one at Zaybar's?
981
00:39:49,638 --> 00:39:51,786
You fix your face. Put
on his favorite dress.
982
00:39:51,853 --> 00:39:53,365
Then you go out, find him,
983
00:39:53,390 --> 00:39:55,544
and make him come back home.
984
00:40:18,446 --> 00:40:20,112
[thunder rumbles]
985
00:40:39,730 --> 00:40:41,232
Mrs. Maisel, you all right?
986
00:40:41,269 --> 00:40:42,904
- Do you need a cab?
- Nope.
987
00:40:42,971 --> 00:40:44,311
Gonna take the subway.
988
00:40:44,336 --> 00:40:45,874
It's miserable out here.
989
00:40:45,940 --> 00:40:47,976
It's miserable in there, too.
990
00:41:05,968 --> 00:41:11,274
Man: See, the eternal war is here.
991
00:41:11,299 --> 00:41:16,070
O victory, forget your underwear.
992
00:41:16,137 --> 00:41:18,539
We're free.
993
00:41:18,909 --> 00:41:20,277
I'm with...
994
00:41:20,302 --> 00:41:22,527
I left my Pyrex here. I'd like it back.
995
00:41:22,552 --> 00:41:25,449
- Your what?
- Pyrex. My Pyrex.
996
00:41:25,474 --> 00:41:27,048
- Nope.
- It's a Pyrex.
997
00:41:27,115 --> 00:41:28,749
- Yeah, you keep saying that.
- Pyrex.
998
00:41:28,817 --> 00:41:31,151
It's a glass baking dish, very durable.
999
00:41:31,176 --> 00:41:32,653
It can go from hot to
cold without cracking.
1000
00:41:32,720 --> 00:41:34,856
- We don't serve food here.
- I know. It's not yours.
1001
00:41:34,923 --> 00:41:36,604
It's mine. I brought it here.
1002
00:41:36,629 --> 00:41:38,134
- Why?
- I made a brisket f...
1003
00:41:38,192 --> 00:41:39,627
Is that really important right now?
1004
00:41:39,693 --> 00:41:41,029
My dish is here. I'd like it back.
1005
00:41:41,095 --> 00:41:42,296
Can you make that happen?
1006
00:41:42,347 --> 00:41:44,791
- [sigh] This place gets so weird late.
- [applause]
1007
00:41:44,816 --> 00:41:48,113
Emcee: That was deep,
Christian, I think. Who knows?
1008
00:41:48,138 --> 00:41:50,715
Okay, next up. Uh...
1009
00:41:52,340 --> 00:41:55,357
folks, just sit tight.
I'll be right back.
1010
00:41:55,435 --> 00:41:58,435
Bonnie, where's my set list?
1011
00:41:58,612 --> 00:42:01,115
[chatter]
1012
00:42:11,957 --> 00:42:13,928
So this is it, huh?
1013
00:42:13,995 --> 00:42:16,348
This is the dream...
1014
00:42:16,373 --> 00:42:20,869
standing up here on this
filthy, sticky stage all alone.
1015
00:42:21,183 --> 00:42:22,603
Couldn't have that, you didn't want me.
1016
00:42:22,670 --> 00:42:24,238
Was that it, Joel?
1017
00:42:24,305 --> 00:42:25,949
Woman: Who's Joel?
1018
00:42:27,341 --> 00:42:28,501
What?
1019
00:42:28,526 --> 00:42:30,148
Who's Joel?
1020
00:42:30,266 --> 00:42:32,613
- My husband.
- Man: we can't hear you.
1021
00:42:32,680 --> 00:42:35,108
- Woman: Oh. Shh, shh, shh.
- Sorry.
1022
00:42:35,133 --> 00:42:37,852
Joel is my husband of four years,
1023
00:42:37,919 --> 00:42:40,121
- and tonight he left.
- Man: Whoo!
1024
00:42:40,188 --> 00:42:41,622
Thank you. Thank you very much.
1025
00:42:41,689 --> 00:42:44,125
Yep. He left... Joel.
1026
00:42:44,192 --> 00:42:47,569
Left. He packed up my suitcase and left.
1027
00:42:47,975 --> 00:42:49,697
Oh, I'm going to have
to lie to the rabbi
1028
00:42:49,763 --> 00:42:51,199
about why Joel's not there.
1029
00:42:51,265 --> 00:42:53,034
Lying to the rabbi on Yom Kippur.
1030
00:42:53,101 --> 00:42:54,903
I couldn't get a clean
slate for one fucking day.
1031
00:42:54,969 --> 00:42:56,770
I don't understand what's going on.
1032
00:42:56,837 --> 00:42:59,107
Me, either, sister, me, either.
1033
00:42:59,173 --> 00:43:03,344
There are so many questions
spinning around in my head.
1034
00:43:03,411 --> 00:43:04,946
Why did he leave?
1035
00:43:05,231 --> 00:43:07,348
Why wasn't I enough?
1036
00:43:07,716 --> 00:43:10,351
And why didn't they
put the stage over there
1037
00:43:10,418 --> 00:43:12,486
against that wall instead
of over here by the bathroom
1038
00:43:12,553 --> 00:43:15,460
so you wouldn't have to listen
to every giant bowel movement
1039
00:43:15,485 --> 00:43:17,614
- that takes place in there?
- [laughter]
1040
00:43:17,639 --> 00:43:19,622
Oh, yeah. Clear as a bell.
1041
00:43:19,647 --> 00:43:21,295
I'm sorry. I'm a little drunk.
1042
00:43:21,320 --> 00:43:22,872
- It's all gone.
- [toilet flushes]
1043
00:43:22,912 --> 00:43:25,341
Everything I've counted on is gone.
1044
00:43:26,013 --> 00:43:27,707
You feeling better now?
1045
00:43:27,732 --> 00:43:29,267
[laughter]
1046
00:43:31,615 --> 00:43:33,874
So my life completely fell apart today.
1047
00:43:33,942 --> 00:43:35,944
Did I mention that my husband left me?
1048
00:43:36,018 --> 00:43:37,319
- Man: Whoo-hoo!
- [laughter]
1049
00:43:37,378 --> 00:43:39,413
Okay. All right. But did I mention
1050
00:43:39,438 --> 00:43:41,725
that he left me for his secretary?
1051
00:43:41,750 --> 00:43:42,890
[wolf whistles]
1052
00:43:42,915 --> 00:43:43,942
Mm-hmm.
1053
00:43:43,967 --> 00:43:46,103
She's 21 and dumb as a Brillo pad.
1054
00:43:46,128 --> 00:43:47,480
And I'm not naive.
1055
00:43:47,505 --> 00:43:49,249
I know that men like stupid girls.
1056
00:43:49,274 --> 00:43:50,288
- Right?
- Uh...
1057
00:43:50,313 --> 00:43:51,789
But I thought Joel
wanted more than stupid.
1058
00:43:51,814 --> 00:43:54,694
I thought he wanted spontaneity and wit.
1059
00:43:54,719 --> 00:43:56,339
I thought he wanted to be challenged.
1060
00:43:56,364 --> 00:43:57,777
- You know what I mean?
- Uh...
1061
00:43:57,802 --> 00:43:59,400
You two are going to
be together forever.
1062
00:43:59,425 --> 00:44:00,439
[laughter]
1063
00:44:00,464 --> 00:44:01,559
I'll tell you this much.
1064
00:44:01,584 --> 00:44:02,885
I was a great wife.
1065
00:44:02,971 --> 00:44:05,239
I was fun. I planned theme nights.
1066
00:44:05,306 --> 00:44:08,409
I dressed in costumes.
I gave him kids...
1067
00:44:08,476 --> 00:44:09,944
a boy and a girl.
1068
00:44:10,011 --> 00:44:11,486
And yes, our little girl is looking
1069
00:44:11,511 --> 00:44:13,623
more and more like Winston
Churchill every day,
1070
00:44:13,648 --> 00:44:15,183
you know, with that big Yalta head.
1071
00:44:15,249 --> 00:44:17,683
But that's not a reason to leave, right?
1072
00:44:17,904 --> 00:44:20,654
Really? Really? After what I
just said about the bathroom?
1073
00:44:20,721 --> 00:44:21,746
[laughter]
1074
00:44:21,771 --> 00:44:23,276
Walk of shame.
1075
00:44:23,328 --> 00:44:26,394
Walk of shame!
1076
00:44:26,760 --> 00:44:28,296
I loved him.
1077
00:44:29,775 --> 00:44:32,700
And I showed him I loved him.
1078
00:44:32,766 --> 00:44:33,913
- Whoo!
- [whistles]
1079
00:44:33,938 --> 00:44:35,103
All that shit they say
1080
00:44:35,128 --> 00:44:37,357
about Jewish girls in the bedroom?
1081
00:44:37,382 --> 00:44:39,974
Not true. There are French whores
1082
00:44:40,041 --> 00:44:42,572
standing around the
Marais District saying...
1083
00:44:42,597 --> 00:44:43,944
[French accent] "Did
you hear what Midge did
1084
00:44:44,012 --> 00:44:45,748
to Joel's balls the other night?"
1085
00:44:45,773 --> 00:44:47,448
[laughter]
1086
00:44:49,183 --> 00:44:50,884
I can't believe this is happening.
1087
00:44:50,909 --> 00:44:54,616
I can't believe I'm
losing him to Penny Pan.
1088
00:44:54,922 --> 00:44:57,091
That's her name. Terrible, right?
1089
00:44:57,158 --> 00:45:00,330
Penny Pan. Penny Pan.
1090
00:45:00,682 --> 00:45:02,870
Penny Pan.
1091
00:45:02,895 --> 00:45:05,474
And I'm officially losing
my mind, which is perfect.
1092
00:45:05,499 --> 00:45:07,576
Now I will be alone and crazy,
1093
00:45:07,601 --> 00:45:11,590
the famous mad divorcée
of the upper West Side.
1094
00:45:13,107 --> 00:45:14,748
Upper West Side? Really? Where?
1095
00:45:14,773 --> 00:45:15,909
72nd and Amsterdam.
1096
00:45:15,976 --> 00:45:17,489
That place on the corner
with the courtyard?
1097
00:45:17,514 --> 00:45:19,826
- That's the one.
- Oh, that's nice. We looked there.
1098
00:45:19,851 --> 00:45:20,868
But the closets were so small,
1099
00:45:20,893 --> 00:45:22,717
and I wanted a powder room.
1100
00:45:23,393 --> 00:45:24,927
Do you know I've seen her twice
1101
00:45:24,952 --> 00:45:26,291
with her shirt on inside out?
1102
00:45:26,316 --> 00:45:27,796
Penny. Twice.
1103
00:45:27,821 --> 00:45:30,258
Once, fine. You were
rushed in the morning.
1104
00:45:30,324 --> 00:45:32,126
Twice, you can only be trusted
1105
00:45:32,193 --> 00:45:33,931
to butter people's
corn at the county fair.
1106
00:45:33,956 --> 00:45:35,090
[laughter]
1107
00:45:35,115 --> 00:45:36,528
And here's the worst thing.
1108
00:45:36,581 --> 00:45:41,001
And I know this is shallow
and petty and small,
1109
00:45:41,444 --> 00:45:43,037
but she's not even that pretty.
1110
00:45:43,104 --> 00:45:44,205
Man: Huh.
1111
00:45:44,272 --> 00:45:45,906
Her ankles and her calves
1112
00:45:45,973 --> 00:45:47,741
are the same width.
1113
00:45:47,808 --> 00:45:49,727
And I'm sorry, but look at me.
1114
00:45:49,752 --> 00:45:53,147
I am the same size now
that I was at my wedding.
1115
00:45:53,172 --> 00:45:54,882
And come on, who
wouldn't want to come home
1116
00:45:54,948 --> 00:45:56,550
to this every night?
1117
00:45:57,148 --> 00:45:58,186
Okay. All right.
1118
00:45:58,252 --> 00:45:59,820
Maybe today's not the best day to judge.
1119
00:45:59,845 --> 00:46:02,048
I've been crying, and
my face is all puffy,
1120
00:46:02,073 --> 00:46:03,975
and just... just...
1121
00:46:04,000 --> 00:46:06,335
Ignore my head. Now, from here down,
1122
00:46:06,360 --> 00:46:09,093
who wouldn't want to come home to this?
1123
00:46:09,464 --> 00:46:10,964
Actually, I'm a little
bloated right now.
1124
00:46:11,031 --> 00:46:13,572
I drank a lot of wine, and
my stomach is sort of...
1125
00:46:13,597 --> 00:46:15,137
Oh, can... can I borrow that?
1126
00:46:15,203 --> 00:46:16,710
Thank you.
1127
00:46:17,138 --> 00:46:19,607
Okay. Ignore this, ignore this.
1128
00:46:19,795 --> 00:46:23,544
But imagine coming home
to these every night.
1129
00:46:23,611 --> 00:46:24,745
Whoo!
1130
00:46:24,812 --> 00:46:25,941
Yeah.
1131
00:46:25,966 --> 00:46:28,018
Yeah, they're pretty good, right?
1132
00:46:28,382 --> 00:46:31,481
Plus they're standing up on their own.
1133
00:46:31,719 --> 00:46:33,027
[gasping]
1134
00:46:34,941 --> 00:46:36,190
- Shit.
- Seriously,
1135
00:46:36,257 --> 00:46:38,392
there's no fucking way
1136
00:46:38,459 --> 00:46:40,196
that Penny Pan...
1137
00:46:40,221 --> 00:46:42,643
can compete with these tits!
1138
00:46:42,962 --> 00:46:45,099
So what if you're never going
to be a stand-up comedian.
1139
00:46:45,166 --> 00:46:46,798
Look at what greets you at the door.
1140
00:46:46,823 --> 00:46:48,302
- Shit.
- Get down from there right now.
1141
00:46:48,327 --> 00:46:50,596
You think Bob Newhart's
got a set of these at home?
1142
00:46:50,704 --> 00:46:52,440
Rickles, maybe.
1143
00:46:52,465 --> 00:46:54,000
- [audience shouts]
- Aah! Hey!
1144
00:46:54,108 --> 00:46:55,176
Let's go.
1145
00:46:55,243 --> 00:46:56,244
[audience cheering]
1146
00:46:56,310 --> 00:46:58,646
- Hey, fuck Penny Pan!
- Bravo!
1147
00:47:00,060 --> 00:47:01,382
This is not what you think.
1148
00:47:01,449 --> 00:47:03,717
She's a housewife. She
doesn't know the rules.
1149
00:47:03,784 --> 00:47:05,486
Yeah, yeah. We can
discuss it at the station.
1150
00:47:05,553 --> 00:47:07,121
- Station? What station?
- Come on. Let's go!
1151
00:47:07,188 --> 00:47:08,622
Come back next week!
1152
00:47:08,689 --> 00:47:10,090
I don't understand what's going on.
1153
00:47:10,158 --> 00:47:11,225
You're under arrest.
1154
00:47:11,292 --> 00:47:13,294
- What? Why?
- Public indecency
1155
00:47:13,361 --> 00:47:15,083
and performing without
a cabaret license.
1156
00:47:15,108 --> 00:47:16,906
You need a license
to do that? Seriously?
1157
00:47:16,931 --> 00:47:18,266
Yeah, yeah. You can bitch all about it
1158
00:47:18,291 --> 00:47:19,483
to your friend in the back seat there.
1159
00:47:19,508 --> 00:47:20,542
- Go ahead.
- Get in there.
1160
00:47:20,567 --> 00:47:22,937
Hey! Hey! Hey!
1161
00:47:26,440 --> 00:47:27,540
Hey.
1162
00:47:28,032 --> 00:47:29,240
Hi.
1163
00:47:36,500 --> 00:47:37,952
Here you go.
1164
00:47:38,245 --> 00:47:39,384
Thanks, Judy.
1165
00:47:40,117 --> 00:47:41,628
You bailed me out?
1166
00:47:41,653 --> 00:47:43,056
My good deed for the year.
1167
00:47:43,123 --> 00:47:44,596
You get chick raped?
1168
00:47:44,661 --> 00:47:46,093
I don't think so.
1169
00:47:46,160 --> 00:47:47,928
- Here.
- It's still night out.
1170
00:47:47,995 --> 00:47:49,096
Yep.
1171
00:47:49,163 --> 00:47:50,398
I feel different.
1172
00:47:50,464 --> 00:47:51,873
You were in there for 20 minutes.
1173
00:47:51,898 --> 00:47:53,300
20 minutes can change you.
1174
00:47:53,325 --> 00:47:55,002
- Not really.
- I'm a con now.
1175
00:47:55,068 --> 00:47:56,937
- Not quite.
- I've got a rap sheet.
1176
00:47:57,004 --> 00:47:58,672
- No, you don't.
- I'm hard.
1177
00:47:58,739 --> 00:48:01,975
I'm a hard, used woman. Is my hair gray?
1178
00:48:02,042 --> 00:48:03,544
- No, it's not.
- It feels gray.
1179
00:48:03,611 --> 00:48:05,454
- Jesus Christ.
- I had it all.
1180
00:48:05,479 --> 00:48:07,415
I had everything I'd always wanted,
1181
00:48:07,481 --> 00:48:09,790
and now it's all falling apart.
1182
00:48:10,251 --> 00:48:12,523
Okay. Come on.
1183
00:48:14,157 --> 00:48:17,425
Connie Francis: ♪ Who's sorry now? ♪
1184
00:48:17,491 --> 00:48:18,959
Mikey.
1185
00:48:19,026 --> 00:48:20,706
♪ Whose heart... ♪
1186
00:48:20,731 --> 00:48:22,354
Look at all the people.
1187
00:48:22,396 --> 00:48:24,508
They look so happy. Are they high?
1188
00:48:24,533 --> 00:48:25,766
Yes, they are.
1189
00:48:25,834 --> 00:48:26,905
Must be nice.
1190
00:48:26,930 --> 00:48:28,747
Oh, God, I'm so tired.
1191
00:48:28,772 --> 00:48:30,304
I don't think I've ever been so tired.
1192
00:48:30,371 --> 00:48:32,040
Have some nuts.
1193
00:48:32,065 --> 00:48:34,377
Do you notice I'm not
wearing my own shoes?
1194
00:48:34,402 --> 00:48:36,877
I'm not. Don't know
what happened, either.
1195
00:48:36,944 --> 00:48:40,281
Now I'm just a single,
gray-haired ex-con
1196
00:48:40,348 --> 00:48:41,815
drinking hooch and eating old nuts
1197
00:48:41,882 --> 00:48:43,251
in someone else's shoes.
1198
00:48:43,317 --> 00:48:45,697
Listen, if you're still upset
about your husband, don't be.
1199
00:48:45,722 --> 00:48:47,149
The guy was a fraud and a loser.
1200
00:48:47,180 --> 00:48:48,223
You don't know him.
1201
00:48:48,248 --> 00:48:50,001
I know he was doing Bob Newhart's act.
1202
00:48:50,026 --> 00:48:51,941
Everybody steals, right?
1203
00:48:51,966 --> 00:48:53,201
You didn't.
1204
00:48:53,602 --> 00:48:54,762
I didn't what?
1205
00:48:54,828 --> 00:48:56,230
House party tonight.
1206
00:48:56,297 --> 00:48:57,614
Steal. You didn't steal.
1207
00:48:57,639 --> 00:48:59,098
Your shit was totally original.
1208
00:48:59,123 --> 00:49:00,402
Don't get me wrong. It was rough,
1209
00:49:00,461 --> 00:49:02,069
but I'm telling you, there
is definitely something there.
1210
00:49:02,094 --> 00:49:03,729
I'm thinking maybe
we can meet somewhere,
1211
00:49:03,754 --> 00:49:05,806
bigger club, if I could
just get Baz to die.
1212
00:49:05,873 --> 00:49:08,618
- What are you talking about?
- About your act.
1213
00:49:08,643 --> 00:49:09,855
I don't have an act.
1214
00:49:09,880 --> 00:49:11,848
You will when we're done.
1215
00:49:11,915 --> 00:49:13,283
I don't understand.
1216
00:49:13,349 --> 00:49:16,371
You should do standup,
and I can help you.
1217
00:49:17,067 --> 00:49:18,861
- Oh, come on.
- I'm serious.
1218
00:49:18,886 --> 00:49:21,457
- I am a mother.
- Great. We'll use that.
1219
00:49:21,531 --> 00:49:22,732
One of your kids do something weird?
1220
00:49:22,799 --> 00:49:24,501
Tonight was an isolated incident.
1221
00:49:24,568 --> 00:49:25,969
There are medications I can take
1222
00:49:26,035 --> 00:49:27,904
to make sure that never happens again.
1223
00:49:28,805 --> 00:49:29,905
Look, 15 years
1224
00:49:29,930 --> 00:49:31,598
I've been working in clubs, okay?
1225
00:49:31,775 --> 00:49:33,677
15 years watching every kind of loser
1226
00:49:33,743 --> 00:49:35,011
get up there thinking he's Jack Benny.
1227
00:49:35,078 --> 00:49:37,614
Twice have I seen
someone deliver the goods.
1228
00:49:37,681 --> 00:49:39,082
First time, guy walks in...
1229
00:49:39,148 --> 00:49:42,552
West Coast, suntanned,
arrogant pain in the ass.
1230
00:49:42,619 --> 00:49:44,654
Three words into his
act, I fucking knew it.
1231
00:49:44,721 --> 00:49:46,999
I turned to Baz, and I said,
"That guy's gonna be famous."
1232
00:49:47,024 --> 00:49:48,725
- Who was he?
- Mort Sahl.
1233
00:49:48,792 --> 00:49:51,762
Oh, he's good. We saw him
at Grossinger's last year.
1234
00:49:52,041 --> 00:49:53,976
Yeah, well, the second time was tonight.
1235
00:49:54,334 --> 00:49:55,431
Stop it.
1236
00:49:55,929 --> 00:49:57,801
I know I'm right about this,
1237
00:49:58,299 --> 00:50:00,048
just like I know that unless
I somehow get rich enough
1238
00:50:00,103 --> 00:50:02,472
to hire some German broad
to walk me around the park
1239
00:50:02,497 --> 00:50:03,665
twice a day in my old age,
1240
00:50:03,690 --> 00:50:05,341
I'm gonna spend my entire life alone.
1241
00:50:05,408 --> 00:50:06,610
That's not true.
1242
00:50:06,778 --> 00:50:09,363
It's fine. I don't mind being alone.
1243
00:50:10,038 --> 00:50:12,957
I just do not want to be insignificant.
1244
00:50:13,904 --> 00:50:15,073
Do you?
1245
00:50:16,052 --> 00:50:18,076
Don't you want to do
something no one else can do?
1246
00:50:18,101 --> 00:50:20,270
Be remembered as something
other than a mother
1247
00:50:20,337 --> 00:50:22,975
or a housewife or member
of the Communist Party?
1248
00:50:23,034 --> 00:50:25,042
When did I become a member
of the Communist Party?
1249
00:50:25,067 --> 00:50:26,348
The minute you took that flyer.
1250
00:50:26,373 --> 00:50:28,483
What? Shit.
1251
00:50:29,246 --> 00:50:30,547
Oh, no.
1252
00:50:30,823 --> 00:50:32,249
No, no, no, no, no.
1253
00:50:32,315 --> 00:50:34,534
It's Yom Kippur. I'm
supposed to be fasting,
1254
00:50:34,559 --> 00:50:36,620
atoning for my sins in the eyes of God.
1255
00:50:36,687 --> 00:50:38,221
- So?
- So I'm eating peanuts.
1256
00:50:38,288 --> 00:50:40,014
You showed your tits to
half of Greenwich Village.
1257
00:50:40,039 --> 00:50:41,825
You think the fucking nuts are
what's going to piss Him off?
1258
00:50:41,892 --> 00:50:43,360
- I have to go.
- Hey, come on.
1259
00:50:43,426 --> 00:50:46,664
Thank you for my coat. I
paid full price at Saks.
1260
00:50:46,974 --> 00:50:49,197
Hey. Come back!
1261
00:50:49,222 --> 00:50:50,490
Miriam!
1262
00:50:56,192 --> 00:50:58,643
385 Riverside Drive. Wait.
1263
00:50:59,124 --> 00:51:01,025
Do I have money?
1264
00:51:02,048 --> 00:51:03,355
I do not have money.
1265
00:51:08,038 --> 00:51:09,807
I ain't got all day, lady.
1266
00:51:12,622 --> 00:51:15,796
[military drum beat]
1267
00:51:15,821 --> 00:51:18,934
"One standing ovation,
everyone goes home pregnant."
1268
00:51:21,564 --> 00:51:23,791
Peggy Lee: ♪ I got me ten fine toes ♪
1269
00:51:23,816 --> 00:51:26,018
♪ To wiggle in the sand ♪
1270
00:51:26,179 --> 00:51:29,715
♪ Lots of idle fingers
snap to my command ♪
1271
00:51:29,740 --> 00:51:34,187
♪ A lovely pair of heels
that kick to beat the band ♪
1272
00:51:34,212 --> 00:51:38,224
♪ Contemplatin' nature
can be fascinatin' ♪
1273
00:51:38,249 --> 00:51:39,277
♪ Add to these... ♪
1274
00:51:39,302 --> 00:51:41,512
Hey, don't you see?
That's part of the image.
1275
00:51:41,537 --> 00:51:43,450
Yeah, with the shawl
and the stove pipe hat
1276
00:51:43,475 --> 00:51:45,341
and the... the string top?
1277
00:51:45,408 --> 00:51:47,969
- ♪ To tell the whole darn world ♪
- You don't have the shawl?
1278
00:51:47,994 --> 00:51:49,844
- ♪ If you don't happen to like it ♪
- Where's the shawl, Abe?
1279
00:51:49,869 --> 00:51:51,923
- ♪ Deal me out, thank you kindly ♪
- You left it in Washington?
1280
00:51:51,948 --> 00:51:53,740
- ♪ Pass me by ♪
- What are you wearing now?
1281
00:51:53,765 --> 00:51:55,907
- ♪ Pass me by ♪
- A sort of cardigan?
1282
00:51:55,932 --> 00:51:57,822
♪ Pass me by ♪
1283
00:51:57,847 --> 00:52:01,410
♪ If you don't happen
to like it, pass me by ♪
1284
00:52:01,435 --> 00:52:03,170
[chatter]
1285
00:52:13,636 --> 00:52:15,691
[no audible dialogue]
1286
00:52:17,618 --> 00:52:19,760
♪ I'll tell the whole darn world ♪
1287
00:52:19,785 --> 00:52:21,753
♪ If you don't happen to like it ♪
1288
00:52:21,778 --> 00:52:23,580
♪ Deal me out, thank you kindly ♪
1289
00:52:23,605 --> 00:52:25,405
♪ Pass me by ♪
1290
00:52:25,724 --> 00:52:27,946
♪ Pass me by ♪
1291
00:52:27,971 --> 00:52:29,852
♪ Pass me by ♪
1292
00:52:29,895 --> 00:52:33,431
♪ If you don't happen
to like it, pass me by ♪
1293
00:52:35,977 --> 00:52:37,221
[knock on door]
1294
00:52:41,505 --> 00:52:42,606
I went by the Gaslight,
1295
00:52:42,673 --> 00:52:44,007
and they told me to come here.
1296
00:52:44,074 --> 00:52:45,397
Is this your apartment?
1297
00:52:45,537 --> 00:52:46,672
Yeah.
1298
00:52:47,111 --> 00:52:49,076
Uh, I'll be by tomorrow at 10.
1299
00:52:50,199 --> 00:52:51,949
You don't have a very
long lease, do you?
1300
00:52:52,015 --> 00:52:53,651
Because you should move.
1301
00:52:53,929 --> 00:52:57,192
Hey, did you say 10? In the morning?
1302
00:52:57,236 --> 00:52:59,776
- Hey!
- ♪ I got me ten fine toes ♪
1303
00:53:00,148 --> 00:53:02,218
♪ To wiggle in the sand ♪
1304
00:53:02,243 --> 00:53:05,639
♪ Lots of idle fingers
snap to my command ♪
1305
00:53:05,664 --> 00:53:08,348
♪ A lovely pair of heels ♪
1306
00:53:08,373 --> 00:53:10,561
♪ That kick to beat the band ♪
1307
00:53:10,621 --> 00:53:14,658
♪ Contemplatin' nature
can be fascinatin' ♪
1308
00:53:14,725 --> 00:53:17,810
♪ Add to these a nose that I can thumb ♪
1309
00:53:17,835 --> 00:53:20,231
You guys ever gonna tale
a broom to this place?
1310
00:53:20,298 --> 00:53:22,233
We've already got penicillin.
You don't need to grow it.
1311
00:53:22,300 --> 00:53:24,235
Just take your things and leave, Bruce.
1312
00:53:24,260 --> 00:53:25,769
I had three joints in my wallet.
1313
00:53:25,794 --> 00:53:27,830
I expect to find them all there.
1314
00:53:27,855 --> 00:53:28,956
Huh.
1315
00:53:29,240 --> 00:53:30,653
If you guys have some coke back there,
1316
00:53:30,678 --> 00:53:32,245
we could have a hell of a party.
1317
00:53:34,865 --> 00:53:36,199
You're not my wife.
1318
00:53:36,305 --> 00:53:37,366
No.
1319
00:53:38,570 --> 00:53:40,651
I thought my wife bailed me out.
1320
00:53:40,718 --> 00:53:42,575
- No. I did.
- Uh-huh.
1321
00:53:43,218 --> 00:53:44,236
Oh.
1322
00:53:45,344 --> 00:53:46,478
Thanks.
1323
00:53:46,503 --> 00:53:49,502
- Can I ask you a question?
- Uh, sure.
1324
00:53:51,062 --> 00:53:52,343
Do you love it?
1325
00:53:52,730 --> 00:53:54,032
Do I love what?
1326
00:53:54,098 --> 00:53:55,488
Comedy.
1327
00:53:55,513 --> 00:53:57,492
Standup. Do you love it?
1328
00:53:57,554 --> 00:53:58,984
Seriously?
1329
00:54:01,326 --> 00:54:03,276
Well, I've been doing it a while.
1330
00:54:05,418 --> 00:54:07,045
Okay, let's put it like this.
1331
00:54:07,111 --> 00:54:08,707
If there was anything
else in the entire world
1332
00:54:08,732 --> 00:54:10,289
that I could possibly
do to earn a living,
1333
00:54:10,314 --> 00:54:11,890
I would. Anything.
1334
00:54:11,915 --> 00:54:13,717
I'm talking dry cleaners to the Klan,
1335
00:54:13,784 --> 00:54:16,552
crippled kid portrait painter,
slaughterhouse attendant.
1336
00:54:16,577 --> 00:54:17,879
If someone said to me,
1337
00:54:17,904 --> 00:54:19,538
"Leonard, you can
either eat a guy's head
1338
00:54:19,563 --> 00:54:20,864
"or do two weeks at the Copa,"
1339
00:54:20,889 --> 00:54:23,075
I'd say "Pass the fucking salt."
1340
00:54:23,766 --> 00:54:25,634
It's a terrible, terrible job.
1341
00:54:25,659 --> 00:54:27,253
It should not exist,
1342
00:54:27,695 --> 00:54:30,105
like cancer and God.
1343
00:54:30,267 --> 00:54:33,809
Sorry. I went to the
Varick station instead.
1344
00:54:33,876 --> 00:54:34,943
Why the hell would you do that?
1345
00:54:34,968 --> 00:54:36,152
Because you like Varick better.
1346
00:54:36,177 --> 00:54:38,188
Jesus, Honey, you don't get to pick.
1347
00:54:38,213 --> 00:54:39,281
But do you love it?
1348
00:54:48,423 --> 00:54:49,575
Yeah.
1349
00:54:49,738 --> 00:54:50,983
He loves it.
1350
00:54:57,632 --> 00:54:59,668
♪ ♪
1351
00:54:59,693 --> 00:55:03,867
Synced and corrected by Aaronnmb
www.addic7ed.com
1352
00:55:08,076 --> 00:55:09,611
♪ There are some things ♪
1353
00:55:09,636 --> 00:55:11,037
♪ You can't cover up ♪
1354
00:55:11,062 --> 00:55:14,433
♪ In lipstick and powder ♪
1355
00:55:15,517 --> 00:55:18,486
♪ Thought I heard you mention my name ♪
1356
00:55:18,553 --> 00:55:22,261
♪ Can't you talk any louder? ♪
1357
00:55:22,691 --> 00:55:26,661
♪ Don't come any closer,
don't come any nearer ♪
1358
00:55:26,729 --> 00:55:28,296
♪ My vision of you ♪
1359
00:55:28,363 --> 00:55:30,465
♪ Can't come any clearer ♪
1360
00:55:30,490 --> 00:55:33,326
♪ Oh, I ♪
1361
00:55:33,559 --> 00:55:34,737
♪ Girls talk ♪
1362
00:55:34,803 --> 00:55:37,309
♪ I just want to hear ♪
1363
00:55:37,334 --> 00:55:38,397
♪ Girls talk ♪
1364
00:55:38,422 --> 00:55:41,066
♪ And they say it's not allowed ♪
1365
00:55:41,091 --> 00:55:42,125
♪ Girls talk ♪
1366
00:55:42,150 --> 00:55:43,919
♪ If they say that it's so ♪
1367
00:55:43,944 --> 00:55:49,049
♪ Don't they think that I know by now? ♪
1368
00:55:49,439 --> 00:55:52,643
♪ Got the word up on
everyone's lipstick ♪
1369
00:55:52,668 --> 00:55:56,078
♪ That you're getting faded ♪
1370
00:55:56,992 --> 00:56:00,095
♪ You may not be an old-fashioned girl ♪
1371
00:56:00,120 --> 00:56:03,376
♪ But you're gonna get dated ♪
1372
00:56:04,325 --> 00:56:06,168
♪ Was it really murder? ♪
1373
00:56:06,193 --> 00:56:07,962
♪ Were you just pretending? ♪
1374
00:56:07,987 --> 00:56:09,755
♪ Lately I have heard ♪
1375
00:56:09,780 --> 00:56:13,114
♪ You are the living end ♪
1376
00:56:15,110 --> 00:56:16,158
♪ Girls talk ♪
1377
00:56:16,221 --> 00:56:18,584
♪ And they want to know how ♪
1378
00:56:18,845 --> 00:56:19,907
♪ Girls talk ♪
1379
00:56:19,932 --> 00:56:22,425
♪ And they say it's not allowed ♪
1380
00:56:22,450 --> 00:56:23,689
♪ Girls talk ♪
1381
00:56:23,714 --> 00:56:26,300
♪ And they say it's not allowed ♪
1382
00:56:26,325 --> 00:56:27,387
♪ Girls talk ♪
1383
00:56:27,412 --> 00:56:29,992
♪ And they think they know how ♪
1384
00:56:30,058 --> 00:56:31,659
♪ Girls talk ♪
1385
00:56:31,931 --> 00:56:33,561
♪ Girls talk ♪
1386
00:56:33,628 --> 00:56:35,297
♪ Girls talk ♪
1387
00:56:35,530 --> 00:56:37,166
♪ Girls talk ♪
1388
00:56:37,365 --> 00:56:39,034
♪ Girls talk ♪
1389
00:56:39,101 --> 00:56:40,769
♪ Girls talk ♪
1390
00:56:40,836 --> 00:56:43,038
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
1391
00:56:43,105 --> 00:56:44,639
♪ Girls talk ♪
1392
00:56:44,706 --> 00:56:46,208
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
100062
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese