Original subtitles

(jazz music)

- You're Lilah?

- [Lilah] Arnold?

- What's the password?

- [Lilah] Romeo sent me.

- He must like you.

- [Lilah] Did he say that?

- He sent you to me.

- He knows I'm desperate.

- You came to the right man.

- So, how do we do it?

- You have money?

- I didn't know how much I should bring.

- Five hundred.

- Jesus.

- They're 20 bucks a pop.

I can sell you a package of 25.

This is prime stuff, guaranteed fresh.

- Could I see them?

- No free samples.

- Look, this is my cookie jar money.

I've got to see what I'm buying.

- Never let it be said.

- What does a Polish girl get that's

long and hard when she gets married?

Where's the punchline?

- That's what you pay me for.

- Speaking of marriage,

I'm married to a Polish man.

I don't know if you know Polish men,

but he gave me something long and hard

when we got married.

You know what?

- [Male] Yeah, a last name.

Oh, you heard that one, huh?

- I hate Wilma Flintstone.

I want to talk about it.

I think she's a fucking bitch.

- I'm from right here in New York,

from a large family.

There's 10 kids in my family, man.

That's a lot of kids.

My father has stretch marks.

They're the punch of us.

- I know you're all staring at me

thinking my God, look at this girl.

She looks so much like Diana Ross.

I can't get over it.

- I'm going to do an impression

of Gandhi's mother.

Sweetheart, please, just a sandwich.

- My wife bought alligator gloves.

I said "What are you gonna do

"with alligator gloves?"

She said "I'll put them on,

"I'll tell them I got a skin condition."

- Have you tried Leech Off?

Leech Off? Yes.

Leech Off works naturally

with hydrochloric acid.

Just a few drops in each eye,

you can kiss those leeches goodbye.

- We were making love the other night.

I felt he was holding back.

So I said, "Sweetheart,

"we've been married for 15 years.

"When we make love,

"I don't want you to hold back.

"I want you to do

"whatever you want to do."

So you know what he did?

He threw up.

The thing about being married

to a Polish man

you'd think that it would be

like being married to anyone else.

- [Male] The first physical contact

I had with a woman

came very early in life.

I saw this girl dancing,

and I went up and bit her on the chest.

- [Female] Slaughter, huh?

They're saving the whales.

They're saving the seals,

but nobody gives a shit

when they kill a baby polyester

just to make a goddamn...

- [Male] Hollywood's newest concept for

a wax museum comes from an ear doctor

who treats the stars.

- [Male] I don't want to argue with you.

Please, with the stereotypes.

Chinese people are excellent drivers.

Fine, a lot of Jewish people

pick up a check, fine.

A lot of Japanese tourists

have no photo equipment.

They have big dicks, fine.

- Listen, you'll like this.

It works in my history class.

Okay, Nathan Hale

who said "I only have one life."

Listen, I can wait, I'm waiting.

I have all the time.

(buzzing)

(dramatic music)

- [Taxi driver] Asshole!

(dramatic music)

- Excuse me, I'm Steven Gold.

- Mr. Gold.

How nice of you to drop by.

- Sorry I'm late.

You know, I was up studying all night.

- That's all right.

Certainly seems to be paying off

for you, doesn't it?

- Sir?

- On the written portion you got a 98.

It's the highest grade in the class.

- I did?

- Yes, that's quite an accomplishment

for a student who's been

on academic probation

for the last half year.

- Thank you.

- I'd call it incredible.

Wouldn't you?

Trace the path of digestion, Gold.

Label everything along the way.

- Was this on the prep sheet?

- No, but for a man who scored 98

on the written test

this should be no problem.

Labels please.

- If I could just say

a word about labels

I think that to truly function

in today's society

a doctor has to have an understanding

of the human being as a whole.

Do you not agree?

- Oh, I would, uh-hmm.

- So I could stand here,

and I could name things.

I could name the hard palate,

and soft palate, the pharynx,

the epiglottis, the oesophagus,

the stomach, the spleen,

but that doesn't really begin to

touch on the fact that

the gastro-intestinal system,

which is your specialty,

Doctor Wishniak, indeed, the field that

I hope to go into

is really responsible

for keeping the whole human being alive.

The heart, the lungs,

everything pales by comparison

because man

is motivated

in everything he does by hunger.

- Popular belief has it that

man is motivated by sex, Mr. Gold.

- Let me tell you something.

You show a starving man

a beautiful woman and a pizza.

What do you think he's going to choose?

Make it an ugly woman and a pizza.

- Name the parts, Gold.

If you can't get 100 percent,

you're not the man who took that test,

and if you sent someone else in

to take it for you, you're out!

- Splenic flexure of

the transverse colon.

Greater omentum.

Vermiform appendix.

The intestine.

- What part of the intestine?

- The large intestine.

- What part of the large intestine?

- Well, look...

- Do you know it or not?

- Yes, of course I do.

- Then what is it?

- The poop chute.

I call it the poop chute

because I don't believe

in shrouding our organs

in a bunch of mysterious names.

This is why people are

afraid of doctors.

- We're washing you out, Gold.

- Dr. Wishniak, please.

I've been under something

of a time problem this semester.

I've been working nights.

- Can I be frank with you?

There are people with real talent,

and dedication waiting for

a spot in this school.

Now one of them is gonna have yours

because it serves no purpose to

let someone like you become

a practitioner of medicine.

What good does it do Mr. Gold

to allow someone with no talent for it

to treat people with

life-threatening ailments?

- Well, it will cut down on

the number of people with

life-threatening ailments.

- Is everything a joke to you?

- No, it's not, Doctor, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, please,

I'd like another chance.

- [Dr. Wishniak] Sorry.

- I can't flunk out.

- [Dr. Wishniak] You already have.

- What am I gonna do?

- This work you do at night,

is it anything you have a talent for?

- Rectum!

(jazz music)

No, but seriously now

if the phone does ring and it's for me

that means it's my father,

and he thinks it's the phone number of

the dormitory at school,

so everyone shut up.

Last week he calls me up.

He said "Son, I want you to tell me that

"you're in the top half of your class.

"Are you in the top half of your class?"

I'm in the half of the class that made

the top half of the class possible.

I know that sounds kind of deceptive,

you see, but if anyone has pulled

as many strings as my father has

you kind of have to break it easy to him

that you flunked out.

- Your hair looks great.

- [Lilah] You think?

- [Female] It's gonna kill.

- Oh, thanks.

- [Percy] Hey, mom.

- Hi, Percy.

- Check it out.

- Yeah.

- It's Lilah time.

- Hi, Brian.

- I love your hair.

- My husband's gonna kill me.

He hasn't seen it yet.

- Dump the asshole.

- It's very mango.

It's very Zulu, it's very Lucy.

- Lilah, I talked to my manager,

and he said that

you should send him a tape.

Everybody starting out needs a tape,

and he says that the networks

they love housewives.

They're into housewives.

- Everyone loves housewives.

That's why Jesus loved Mary.

It's a true story.

- Who's got a cigarette?

- Who's got a tape?

- Lilah, my friend Sammy

will make you one for $1 00.

- [Lilah] Who's got $1 00?

- You need a tape, trust me.

- You need a tape.

- She needs a tape.

- All right, I need a tape.

Could someone please do me a big favor,

and trade places with me tonight?

I haven't been home all day.

My husband's really pissed off.

- Not me.

- Not l.

- [Lilah] Why not?

- Lilah, tonight's the first-come,

first-served night, right?

And you want to

right after that Mr. Ball.

He gets the audience into a fractured,

frenzied, bloodthirsty state,

and I can't follow that.

- [Brian] Zip me.

- [Lilah] Who's up now?

- The very genuine, the very wonderful,

the very stage-hoggy Steven Gold.

- Who's up next?

- The very vivacious

Sister Saint Monique.

- Brian, wouldn't you please

do me this favor and trade with me?

I'll make it up to you.

- Beg me.

- Please.

- All right.

- Thanks.

- Tell Ernie to send me down a drink.

- [Lilah] Thanks.

- Make it a scotch and soda.

- Why, Sister.

- I'm no New Yorker.

I didn't know about the city,

so I had to learn,

so I want to take one of these tours.

Got on this tour bus run by this guy,

Tommy Chen, and Tommy didn't know shit

about New York City.

Tommy Chen was making it up

as he went along.

"Okay, this right here,

"this Columbus Circle.

"This call Columbus Circle because

"when Columbus came here

"he looked all around."

(laughter)

"You know how subway get its name?

"Subway originally were tunnels

"filled with water.

"People travel uptown, downtown,

"on big long submarine.

"Hold 300, 400 people,

"but they were very slow."

- Hi.

- How you doing?

- I'm Eve.

- I'm Lilah.

- I know, I saw your stand-up last week.

- Is that the week I got a laugh?

- How long have you been doing it?

- 13 weeks and three days,

but who's counting?

- I know, it takes time.

- Eve, pick it up.

- "Right over there Central Park.

"It named after cousin

"to very famous Korean Tung Sung Park

"who had another cousin named Prospect,

"but he lived in Brooklyn."

- How long before you get like that?

- Steven?

I'm afraid he was born that way.

- You know him?

- Oh, yeah.

- [Steven] "And they were from Harlem."

- That well?

- Briefly.

Asshole needed a place to stay.

- [Steven] "We don't want to see Harlem.

"We don't want to see

"poor people in Harlem."

- Not a good experience, huh?

- A lot of laughs.

- [Steven] "I can't really blame them.

"Nobody want to see unhappy places.

"Nobody want to see sad places.

"People want to see beautiful places.

"People want to see a beautiful world,

"and I show it to them

"even if I have to fake it.

"I'm not just a tour guide.

"I'm a tour stylist."

Thank you.

(applause)

Thank you very much.

- Steven Gold, ladies and gentlemen.

The comedy of Steven Gold.

How about that, huh?

A very lovely guy.

A sick guy, but a very lovely guy.

You know you're at

the Gas Station, right?

- Hi. - Hi.

- I'm Lilah.

- Hi.

- I'm a big fan of yours.

I watch you all the time.

Maybe you could watch me sometime,

and give me some pointers?

- Surely, right now I have to

go clean my fish tank.

- [Romeo] Basically for lunatics,

I want to keep bringing them up here,

whether you like it or not.

Are you ready for it?

- [Male] Yeah.

- All right, let me hear it.

Okay, now the next lady

is not very funny,

but she does have

chronic yeast infection,

and she has a Polish husband,

so I don't know which is worse,

so let's be nice to her, come on,

let's give her a nice big

Gas Station welcome, come on.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Miss Lilah Krytsick.

Come on, Lilah, come on up here.

Show them what you got.

Lilah Krytsick, ladies and gentlemen.

- [Male] Get her a ladder.

- How's that?

This is the first time anybody's

asked me to make it smaller.

- Thank you, Romeo.

It's true, my husband is Polish

which I, personally,

don't think is very funny,

but if any of you think it's funny

I'd like to tell you that to him

the term "simultaneous orgasm" means:

It could happen in the same room.

- I don't understand.

Kids in the history classes,

they love it, they think it's funny.

- Well, it is funny.

It is funny, Jerry,

but the audience goes after you

because you let them,

and if they do that

you got to fight back.

If a guy heckles you,

heckle him right back, you know,

use that old joke about his wife.

Excuse me, Sir, but is that your wife?

Do you have any naked pictures of her?

Would you like to buy some?

How about naked videos?

How about eight-millimeter

pornographic loops?

How about naked pictures of her with me?

With farm animals?

With ex-cons from New Jersey?

It's an old joke, but it shuts him up,

and the audience gets a laugh, huh?

Attack, Jerry.

- Why would he have

naked pictures of his wife?

- Forget everything I just said.

Just forget everything I just said.

- Hey, Steven.

- [Steven] Yo.

- Hey, could I talk to you?

- [Steven] Well, step into my office.

- See you later.

- [Steven] Yeah.

- Have a good show, yeah?

- [Jerry] I will, Sir.

- [Romeo] You'll kill them.

I know you will.

- [Jerry] See you later.

- What do you want?

- Are you taking a bath?

- Making a pit stop.

Been sleeping on a couch lately.

- Hey, you could use my office.

Do you need some money, is that it?

- Oh, look, if this...

I can't pay you back

if that's what this meeting is about.

- Hey, come on, we're friends,

we're like a family here.

I'm certainly not gonna ask for

money back when you're in a tight spot.

- Well, you're a prince.

- [Romeo] No, but I take

care of my people.

- You are a saint.

- Yeah, like I took care of Robyn Green.

- You are God.

- Hey, two years, I took him

through hard times, I did,

and what happened?

One night, a talent scout walks in,

"Goodbye, Romeo."

Not a thank you, not even a postcard.

- [Steven] Not a 10 percent commission.

- This is not about money.

He hurt my feelings.

- It is about money.

You pack this place up, Romeo,

and you pay us $15 a set.

- Yes, and then you get discovered,

and what happens to me?

I'm still here.

- Where you rake it in,

while we're selling

our blood to the Red Cross.

Don't tell us about

any big favors you do.

- Hey, I could have turned

this place into a garage.

- [Steven] Well, why the hell didn't you?

- I'll tell you why

because God helped me, I love comics.

- [Steven] Oh, Jesus.

Cut to the chase, cut to the chase.

- What chase, what's he talking about?

- Cut to the chase.

You want to be my agent?

You want 10 percent of

the $15 you pay me?

- Is that a problem?

- The $12 I get for selling my blood?

- [Romeo] You know, I'm a very rich man.

- I've been selling off my whole body.

Usually you have to wait 'til you die.

Well, they're making

a special case for me.

I got $8 for a lung,

I got two and a half dollars for

a pound of my liver.

I've been selling my sperm to

a fertility clinic, you know that?

Yeah-yeah, the sperm bank has

a night-deposit slot.

I'm making a fuckin' fortune.

I'm just getting tired of sticking

my dick in a cold metal machine.

- That's funny stuff.

- And you're laughing at that.

- Write it down, it's funny.

- I have written it down.

- Steven.

I want you to remember me, that's all.

- Who's Madeline Urie?

- She provides talent for all

the major networks.

She scouts for Letterman.

She scouts for Carson.

She saw your first show.

She wants to see you again.

- Is this for real?

- She's upstairs right this minute

waiting for you.

- Why didn't you just say so?

What should I do?

I'll do the subway stuff. - No, no.

- I'll do the medical stuff.

- The medical stuff.

- I'll do the medical stuff.

- Do up your fly is what you got to do.

- Well, we're trying to

impress her, aren't we?

- I want you to have some money in your pocket.

- I don't need any money.

- [Romeo] Put this in your pocket.

- I don't need any money, no, no, no.

- [Romeo] I'm telling you it will make you feel strong.

- You do a lot of interesting things

in medical school.

You play a lot of really fascinating games.

There's "Name that Organ."

It's small, it's shaped like

a swimming pool.

I'm gonna guess kidney, am I right?

Of course, you had to go to

medical school for a really long time.

- What do you mean

you don't know his name?

We've had the same pediatrician

for eight years.

How could you not know his name?

- Lilah, I have to call my manager.

- How high?

Is she up, could I talk to her?

Would you put her on please?

- Lilah, listen,

there's a talent coordinator here,

and I want to find out who it is.

- Heidi.

Heidi, honey.

Tell me what's the matter?

- [Steven] There's a very

important class in medical school.

- When did it start?

- advanced Bedside Manner.

This class teaches you

how not to do a shudder-take

when you know your patient

is going to die.

Well, let's see, we just got

these X-rays back from the lab.

Let's take a...

(laughter)

- Taxi!

Taxi!

Roll down the window.

- I'm going to the garage.

How far you going?

- [Lilah] Just a couple of

blocks down the street.

- All right, get in, come on.

- I lied, I'm going to Jersey,

and I've got your name,

and your identification number.

Mr. Hadji Gonzales, you better take me

where I want to go,

or your job goes right in the crapper.

- Oh, lady.

- ♫ I say my prayers each night

♫ To make my soul a little cleaner

♫ Then I get up in the morning

♫ Try to catch me a novena

♫ I'm the envy of everyone

♫ Especially the Catholics

"Eat your heart out Nell Carter

♫ 'Cause I'm married to the fella

♫ Who's on the crucifix

- But I figured this is the perfect way

to get back at this tight-assed bitch.

She'll come in,

she'll see this amputated member from

the male cadaver stuck up between

the legs of the female cadaver,

so I do it, fuck, I don't care.

She comes in the next day,

and looks at it.

She says "Wow, I see one of you

"gentlemen left in a hurry last night."

I'm dead, I'm gone, I'm laughing.

To me this is the highlight

of my semester.

- You really did go to medical school.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, in fact,

my father thinks I'm still there.

- [Madeline] Well, how can that be?

- Well, he lives in Chicago,

and I live here.

My ex-roommates cover for me.

If my father calls

they leave me a message on my service,

so it all works out.

- How long has this been going on?

- All year, a full year.

I figure I can hold on 'til spring.

- What happens then?

- I don't know.

I was kind of hoping that something

would come along and replace it,

you know, like, gee, dad,

I'm not gonna be a heart surgeon

like you or my brother after all,

but I am gonna be a star.

- [Madeline] Yeah,

you are gonna be a star.

- Oh, you think so?

- [Madeline] Absolutely.

- And you're in a position

to know about such things?

- That's what they pay me for, yeah.

- So what are you gonna do?

- Send someone on down here to see you.

- Who?

- Can't say.

- Okay.

When?

- I think it's better if I don't tell.

- [Steven] It's that much of

a mystery, is it?

- Isn't life more fun that way?

- Lady, I've been coming down here

for 18 months, 18 months,

and I have not missed a night.

I take the money that

my father sends me,

and I pay for a shrink,

and I buy groceries.

Now, I owe my shrink,

and I'm behind in my rent.

My roommate's a bastard.

He's changed the locks on my front door.

I can't get in.

He won't give me a key until I pay him.

You want to play games, I can play games.

I can play games.

I can play ventriloquist

with my underwear.

I can play darts

while maintaining an erection.

I can gargle dishwater,

and fart O Canada at the same time.

I can play the piano

without being popular.

I once had this dream.

I was dancing on a street corner

with a jackhammer up my ass.

Now that's either a sex dream,

or I need more fiber in my diet.

If any of this is turning you on

just let me know.

- [Madeline] Is this a joke?

- If you're sending someone down,

you better send him fast

'cause funny Steve is going under.

- ♫ Here's hoping your tomorrow is grand

♫ It's been great to

♫ Entertain you for a while

♫ In your book of memories

♫ Keep the name Billy Lane

♫ Remember this night

♫ And smile

I love you, ladies and gentlemen,

but the love of my life

is the lady named Comedy.

- This is a really good one, Mom.

It's really funny.

- Oh, really?

- I got a knot in my hair.

Mom, could you help me?

- Just a second.

- Ow.

- Who is the most popular actor

in the Bible?

- [Carrie] I can't believe it.

Mom, it's the one day

I needed to be there on time.

- [Lilah] Well, just tell her

your mother overslept.

- Do you want to hear it, Mom?

- You didn't come to bed last night.

- No, I sat up with Heidi.

Did Jenny even get home?

- [Carrie] Yeah, after midnight.

- Forget the eggs, honey,

I don't have time.

- Who's the most popular actor

in the Bible?

- [John] Where's the coffee?

- [Carrie] There's no water in the kitchen.

- Why is there no water in the kitchen?

- It's on in the bathroom, no big deal.

- Guess, Mom, take a guess.

- You intend to cook

with bathwater tonight?

Did you forget we're having

people over for dinner?

- Morning.

Mom, what did you do to your hair?

- You forgot about tonight.

- Oh, Mom, you got egg in my hair.

- I think it's a grown-up one.

- I told you about it two weeks ago.

Walter Robie, the church account,

or has my business

become completely unimportant to you?

- Was that tonight?

- Something wrong with tonight?

- [Jenny] I'm eating at Susie's tonight.

- You're staying home tonight.

- [Jenny] It's Friday night,

we're going to a movie.

- I said you're staying home tonight.

- Is someone coming tonight?

- Give me the brush, I'll do it myself.

- All right, all right,

I want you to do it anyway.

You do it much better.

Since Heidi is feeling better

I just thought that...

- You weren't planning on

going out again tonight?

- No, no, no, it was this afternoon.

There's this guy

who does these videotapes.

- I'm talking about tonight.

- I'm talking about cooking.

- Stop arguing.

- [Jenny] I'll call you from Susie's.

- I want you home from school,

young lady, you hear me?

- Cut it out!

- [Lilah] You do not live at Susie's house.

- Is this gonna be every day now, Lilah?

And every night now?

When you first asked

it was to get it out your system,

but now look what the hell is happening.

Three nights last week.

How many this week, how many next?

- Stop it!

- What do you want?

- A wife.

- For dinner,

what do you want for dinner?

- [Jenny] I forgot my gym shorts.

- No favors, okay.

I can take my clients out to Jumbo Jack,

or we can boil bags of

Stouffer's together.

I'm getting real good at that, you know,

Jumbo Jacks and Stouffer's succotash.

- He is.

- And maybe after dinner

I can go down to that hole,

and watch my wife make

a foul-mouthed jackass of herself.

- You've never even seen me.

- Whose fault is that?

- You said you understood about that.

- Well, I don't.

- I couldn't be the way I need to be

if you were there.

- [John] Which is what?

- Different.

- From what?

- From what I am right here.

- What the hell is wrong with

what you are right here?

- [Jenny] Who took my gym shorts?

- They're in Carrie's drawer.

- [Jenny] What are they doing

in Carrie's drawer?

- Coral put them there.

- These people I've invited

they want to meet my family.

That's the way church people are.

If they like your family,

then they like to do business with you.

They have 17 churches I could insure,

and Jerry and I need the business.

Now Bunny does this for Jerry.

She cooks for clients.

- What time? - 8:30.

- I'll be here. - Thank you.

- You're welcome. - Carrie.

- [Jenny] I need lunch money.

- [John] I need money, too.

- My wallet, it's...

- Where is it?

- I've got 20 bucks.

- I need 50 'til I get to the bank.

- I have a dollar.

- Lilah?

- It was my money, I saved it.

- Where is it?

Lilah?

- I spent it.

- On what?

- Something I needed.

- $500, what did you buy?

- Jokes.

- This is like living with

a goddamn junkie.

- Family in crisis, see you later.

- Were they good?

- Not very.

- We were gonna go away with that money.

You said you were saving it,

so the two of us could get away.

- I've got one, Mom.

You can have it for free.

- I'm sorry.

- It's not that I don't want you

to be happy, Lilah.

I just don't know what the hell to do.

- Bye, Mom.

- The answer is Samson.

- What?

- He's the most popular

actor in the Bible, know why?

- No, sweetheart, I don't know why.

- 'Cause he brought the house down.

- Hmm.

- I guess it's not grown-up enough.

- Look, Randy, don't be a prick,

all right?

The lady's crazy about me.

She's bringing the main guy down

to see me tonight,

so screw the back rent, man,

I'm gonna be rich.

I'm gonna get discovered tonight.

Yeah.

No, I can't, I don't, what?

All right, okay, I'm doing a nooner

in Queens today.

I can give you $100, but that's it.

I can't give you $800.

Where the fuck am I gonna get $800?

So sell the fucking stereo,

I don't care.

Look, if you're gonna lock me out

of my own house just do me

a favor will you?

Feed the birds that are outside

the window for me.

Give them some of your food.

That's what I did.

Randy, don't, oh, fuck you!

- What an asshole!

Steve,

Steve, you know some guy named Arnold?

- [Steven] Yeah.

- Sells jokes?

- [Steven] Yes, yes, why?

- I'm looking for him.

- You want to buy some jokes?

- [Lilah] Sell some.

- Oh, you've gotten that good, have you?

- Back, sell some back.

- [Steven] Oh, they didn't work.

- No, not for me they didn't.

- Well, a joke's a joke, babe.

You just bought from the wrong guy.

Hey, Pedro, give me something awful.

Are you having lunch?

- Sure.

- [Pedro] Spaghetti special?

- Sounds awful enough for me.

One for the lady.

- Do you recognise me?

- [Steven] Of course, why?

- Uh-huh, I don't know,

you aren't usually this nice.

- Well, I'll tell you a secret about me.

I get jealous when I see somebody

who's got it up on stage.

I can't help it.

- Me?

- Yeah, you, with five minutes of

the right material,

you'd be un-fucking-believable.

You've got that thing.

People love you on stage, you know that.

- You mean it?

- All you need is the right gags, so...

- [Lilah] You know, I try to

write my own jokes like last night...

- But what are we here for

but to help each other out, huh?

- [Lilah] You'd be willing to do this for me?

- Sure, yes, yeah.

Where are you from, Jersey?

Jersey?

- Yeah, I'm from Jersey.

- [Steven] Okay, do you have any kids,

or anything?

- Yeah, I've got three kids.

- Three kids, great.

- [Lilah] My feeling is that...

- What did this Arnold guy

charge you for?

- [Lilah] $500.

- Okay, all right,

this is the right ballpark.

Now, Jersey, three kids,

there's something there.

- Look, I couldn't pay you right away.

I mean, I could pay you.

I could pay you,

I just couldn't pay you right away.

- Yeah, how long does spaghetti take?

- If I could find Arnold,

I could pay you right away.

- Yeah, well, forget it, it's all right.

- Look, I spent my vacation money.

My husband's and mine.

- Well, you got your priorities then,

don't you?

So spend your money on your vacation,

and don't worry about jokes.

I mean, it's not that important to you.

- It's very important to me.

- What do you need it for?

- Ask my shrink.

Cheese,

cheese.

- You didn't mean it, did you?

- Yes, I did.

- That I've got something?

- That I would sell you jokes.

Do you want to buy some?

- Not from you, you piece of crap.

How do you get off treating people

like this all the time, huh?

You know, I don't see your name

up in lights over there.

So what if you're funny?

If that's all you are, so what?

Jesus, no wonder you're

there every night.

You know what?

You've got nothing else to do,

that's it.

- Hey, Pedro, hold the spaghetti.

Bring this lady that testicle salad.

That ball-buster special.

You know, the one with the fork.

- If they're yours,

I'll need a pair of tweezers.

- Ha-ha, ha-ha, ha.

- I thought you'd like that.

Everything's a great big joke to you.

- Lady,

nothing is a joke to me.

That's why I do stand-up comedy,

and that's why you don't.

Yours is $1.50.

- Wait.

Hey!

What do you mean?

- Oh, lady, please.

- No, you said nothing was

a joke to you,

now what do you mean by that?

- Lady, I have to be somewhere,

and I'm running late,

so you'll pardon me.

- You don't like women, is that it?

- Oh, Jesus Christ.

- I see you help Mister Ball.

- Mister Ball's got guts.

- And I don't?

- You got gall, not guts.

You stand up, you tell dirty jokes.

What does it have to do with you?

Are you a sexpot?

Give me a break,

you're a Jersey housewife

with snot-nosed kids.

A car that won't start.

You tell me about that.

That's what takes guts,

and that's what you don't have.

Am I making myself clear?

- I've gotten laughs.

- [Steven] Fine, then take them and go home.

- I want to learn.

- Lady, it takes every night.

Six clubs a night, all night.

It takes working stag parties,

and Elks Club banquets

where you open for

a fucking accordion player.

- I don't have time for all that.

- Well how about right now?

I'm going off to Queens.

You want to come learn something?

You can learn.

- Are you serious?

- Yes, I'm serious, are you?

- Uh, Uh...

- I guess not.

- I'm cooking for a dinner party.

- Ladies and gentlemen, I rest my case.

- What if it isn't funny?

You tell me to talk about my life,

but what if my life isn't funny?

- All of our lives are funny, babe.

We're God's animated cartoons.

What about your husband?

There's got to be some laughs there.

- Not mine.

- I bet there is, what does he do?

- Sells insurance.

- You win, how about your kids?

- Three girls.

- Okay, all right, all right.

Big, little, what?

Nursery school, babysitters maybe?

- Oh, God, they're gonna need one

if I'm not home by four.

- All right, that's funny, go with that.

- There's nothing funny in that, nothing.

The maid will leave,

and then the two little ones

will be there all by themselves.

- You have to think to comedy.

Who's the babysitter?

- Just this kid that lives down the street.

I don't think I brought his number.

- Comedy, comedy, comedy.

What's the babysitter's name?

- I don't know, it's just this nice kid.

- Comedy, what's the babysitter's name?

- Charlie Manson.

- All right, that's funny.

- That's funny?

- You just wrote a joke, yes.

Yes, Charlie Manson, the babysitter.

Yes, that's funny.

Keep going with it, go, go, go, go, go.

- Honey,

he's put X's on their foreheads again.

If he's busy,

then we use this other nice boy,

Davie Berkowitz.

He's so good with dogs.

- Who's Davie Berkowitz?

- You know, Davie Berkowitz,

Son of Sam, you know, Davie Berkowitz.

He talks to dogs.

- Manson is funny, Berkowitz is not.

- Oh.

I thought that was sort of funny.

- Manson is funny.

Berkowitz is not.

- All right.

(laughter)

- Another game is...

Another game is

Double up on the Medication.

This is, you take the pill,

and you put it under your tongue,

and when they come around

to check up on you

you insist it wasn't in the cup.

"It wasn't in the cup."

(laughter)

"There was no pill there.

"Give me my medication.

"I'm sick, you see?"

Of course, those of you

who are taking suppositories

you might want to pass

on that whole thing.

(laughter)

What, do you have a question?

Your hand has been up

as long as I've been here.

This is probably like

a very debilitating illness.

What is your occupation, Sir?

- I'm a doorman.

- [Steven] You're a doorman.

So, like, you hail taxis?

- That's what I do, yes.

- This is like a good

training device then, you're fine.

You should get out of this hospital.

It must be painful

having this IV hooked up.

- [Male patient] No, no, no, not at all.

- Really, no pain at all?

- No, that's not mine, that's his.

(laughter)

- Oh, son of a gun,

let me see this thing.

Oh, good God, it is.

Well, what have we got here?

Let's see,

you're getting your lunch today.

Oh, we have some strawberry Jell-O.

That's nice.

Oh, is that pasta salad dextrose.

What's your main course today?

Oh, liver and onions.

Oh boy, even in the bloodstream

that's some pretty nasty stuff.

Here's a nurse, I'm just guessing.

- You're right.

- A sponge bath from this woman

would really be paradise.

(laughter)

Oh, look, a doctor here, folks.

Son of a gun, a Jewish doctor.

Something you don't see very often

in a New York City hospital.

You are a doctor, Sir?

- Yes, I'm a doctor.

- And what is your field of speciality?

- This is my first year,

I don't know yet.

- Could I recommend

a career in welding, perhaps?

Just a suggestion.

Oh, you liked that?

You liked that one?

What is your name, Sir?

- Sam.

(laughter)

- You're a happy guy, Sam.

What are they pumping

into your nostrils here?

What is this concoction?

You're turning blue, Sam.

Why is that?

You're turning blue, what's?

Oh, good God,

I'm standing on his air hose.

(laughter)

I'm sorry.

Oh, you're running out of air,

and so am I.

Folks, you have been a great audience,

really, you've been a good audience.

You've been a sick audience, folks,

but thank you very much, everybody.

Get well, get well, everybody.

(applause)

- [Female] You were really good.

- Thank you, that's very nice of you.

Seriously.

- [Female] You were terrific.

- Oh, thank you,

that's very nice of you.

- [Female] Thank you.

- What about last week, what was it?

- I think it was 80,000.

45,000.

- 45?

I see.

Well, that's good.

- Taxi! Oh, God!

Taxi, taxi, taxi!

Oh, wait, wait, oh, my God.

Taxi!

Okay, stop right here.

(dramatic music)

Hello!

Hello?

I'm home, I'm home!

Don't come near me, I'm home!

- Mom, what are you doing?

- Where are you going?

- What's the matter?

- I love you, I love you.

Stay out of my way.

Where's Jenny?

- At the movies.

- At the movies, at the movies.

All right, that's it.

She's grounded.

If I ever see her again, she's grounded.

I want the two of you to go,

and put your nice dresses on.

All right, okay, what are you doing?

Go, put your nice dresses on.

Go on, now, put them on!

- [Heidi] Help me!

- She said, hurry, come on.

- Where are my shoes?

Oh, my God, oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

- I can't find my tights.

- Oh, my God!

Girls, girls,

come on, come on, let's go.

- [Carrie] Why are we running?

- I can't button this dress.

Mom,

mom, help me!

- You are just gonna have to

help each other.

Oh, Jesus, oh, Jesus,

oh, Jesus.

Out of my way, out of my way,

out of my way.

Heidi, go long.

Heads up.

Bread basket, pantry, pantry.

Carry.

- Yeah?

- No, Carrie, come here.

Help me carry, take the big platter.

There you are, somebody man the peas.

Heidi, the peas.

Carrie, napkins, one on each plate.

Here we go.

Heidi, break the bread.

Carrie, light a match.

Spoons, centerpiece, centerpiece.

Light that match.

All right.

Living room!

Living room, living room.

Carrie, get your things off the planter.

- What should I do with it?

- [Lilah] Get rid of them.

- Here, get rid of it.

What happened to the fish tank?

- [Lilah] Don't say that again.

- The water went down.

- I told you not to say that.

Kids.

- Lilah.

- Yes, dear?

- My family.

- Good evening.

- The black goldfish is missing.

(whistling)

- Yes, yes, I'm still holding.

Well, why don't you just

put me through to her?

I don't un...

What restaurant?

She told me herself that

she was bringing a gentleman down to

the club to see me.

The club, the Gas Station.

All right.

Would you give her that message,

and have her please call me down here?

The Gas Station, thank you.

Phone is free.

(soft music)

- Were you born in New Jersey,

Reverend Young?

- Yes.

- So was I.

- So was I, we both were.

- Together.

- We weren't born together.

- [John] Care for some more wine?

- Yes.

- [Heidi] I got a new joke, Mom.

- You do, baby?

- [Heidi] I think it's grown-up enough.

- I'm sure it is, sweetheart.

- She loves to tell jokes.

- Coral told it to me.

- [Lilah] Did she, dear?

- Tell it, Heidi.

- What did one cocksucker

say to the other?

- [Male] Go home!

- So, Betsy Ross says, I have 13 stars.

Would you listen to this?

This is funny, my class loves this.

- Do you have any idea where she

is tonight, by any chance?

Is this her service?

Do you happen to know?

Did she have plans on coming down

to the Gas Station tonight?

- Who you got coming, an agent?

- Okay, no, never...

Just tell her that Steven Gold called,

and that I'm still expecting her,

and the gentleman

at the club, thank you.

- Steven, if you have

a talent scout coming,

you're supposed to tell.

- I don't have

a talent scout coming, Albert.

- Really, who tried to call?

- Did somebody try to call me?

- That's what I heard.

- Hey, hey, hey,

did I have a call?

- [Ernie] Yeah.

- Well, why didn't you tell me?

- I couldn't find you.

- Who was it, what did you say?

- I don't know.

He wanted to know what nights

you perform here,

and what time you go on.

- So it is a talent scout.

- Okay, all right,

now he's coming down.

What did you tell him?

- I told him you're here every night,

and if he wants to know what time,

to call back.

- He said he was gonna call back?

- He said, "Thank you."

- [Steven] But he said he's coming?

- I don't know.

- Why don't you write these things down?

- [Ernie] Hey, why don't you take a hike?

- Who is it?

Just tell me who it is,

and I'll watch for him.

- Could you give me a second?

Listen, if you listen

it's gonna be real funny, okay?

Now, George Washington

gets off his white horse and says...

- [Male] George Washington sucks.

- You, Sir, do you have

any naked pictures of your wife?

Only kidding, only kidding.

- [John] No more than anyone else

who has a family.

- [Lilah] Uh-huh, what do you mean by that?

- [John] What do I mean by that?

- [Lilah] What is it that do you want?

- [John] Just a family I can be proud of.

- A family you could be

proud of, uh-huh, like who?

And don't tell me Bunny and Jerry.

- Bunny and Jerry.

- Fuck Bunny and Jerry.

- Why do you have to use

language like that?

Don't use language like that.

No wonder your daughters

talk like toilets.

- [Lilah] Talk like toilets, John?

- [John] Come on, Lilah,

you know what I'm talking about.

- [Lilah] What do you want?

- [John] Just be a mother.

- [Lilah] I am a mother.

- [John] Not by my definition.

- [Lilah] Well, I am by my definition.

- A mother is some who stays

with her children at night.

- [Lilah] Unless she works.

- [John] Unless she gets paid to work.

- Unless she's lucky enough to get paid.

- Unless she's good enough to get paid.

- [Lilah] I am good enough.

- No, you're not, Lilah.

You're not funny.

- You say that to me one more time,

and I'm going to leave this house.

- You can't stand the truth.

- [Lilah] All right, I'm out of here.

- I didn't say it.

- [Lilah] I'm out of here.

- [John] All right, I will say it.

The woman living in this house

is not funny.

That woman, there in the dark,

is not funny.

- [Lilah] I'm out of here!

- No one laughs at that woman!

That woman is not funny!

(upbeat music)

(applause)

- Steven.

- [Steven] I broke your deal.

Sorry, I'll have to pay for it.

- What's the matter with you?

- Nothing.

- There are some people

upstairs asking for you.

They want to know what time you go on.

They look like heavyweights.

Who are they?

- Jesus, she came through for me.

- Who came through for you?

Who are they?

- [Steven] Romeo, they're network people.

- Network people?

- You got to give me another

20-minute set tonight.

Give me another 20-minute set

tonight, all right?

- Listen, I want you to calm down.

- [Steven] Will you give me

another 20-minute set tonight?

- I want to have a nice talk with you.

- Later, later, later, later.

- Now listen.

- Oh, Leave me alone for a minute.

- That's the whole point.

You don't have to be alone.

Even a prize-fighter

has someone in his corner.

Come on now, I know these people.

- [Steven] Uh-huh.

- Use me, I mean, I can handle them.

Let me entertain them

after the show tonight.

They're only going to come

in here once, right?

Let me help you make tonight count.

- Okay.

- Okay?

- I said okay.

- [Romeo] We're talking agent now?

- You're my agent.

- Permanent agent?

- Whatever you want.

- [Romeo] We're talking about getting it in writing.

- We'll get it in writing.

Just when can I go on?

- How about now?

Just take it easy and relax, relax.

- All right.

- Steven?

Steven?

- Oh, look, don't bother me, all right?

- Don't bother him, don't bother him.

- How's the house?

- Very good, hot, hot.

- Good crowd, good crowd.

- A sensational crowd.

- Okay.

- Just relax, you ready?

- Are you gonna point him out to me?

- Yes, I'll point him out to you.

He's down in the front.

I want you to take a deep breath, right?

- You gonna get Albert off of there?

- He's almost finished.

I can see he's almost finished.

- [Albert] Blew up a sporting goods store,

and you wanted dust?

And I said, "Yeah, give me the Pledge."

- Where are they?

- Third table, left.

Gray hair, kill them.

(applause)

- [Albert] Anyway, you guys have been

a nice audience.

Somebody wants to come up here.

Please see my new movie.

It's called, Goober, the Forgotten Pile.

- Shit, Romeo, Romeo!

- Albert Emperato, ladies and gentlemen.

Albert Emperato.

(applause)

Listen, I'd like to settle down,

and get serious for a moment

because I want to introduce you

to someone that I've had the privilege

of nurturing along

on the road to stardom.

You know, I've been

in this business a long time.

I've seen comics come and go,

and, sometimes, you see somebody

goes right to the top,

and you know they're gonna stay there.

This young gentleman is not unlike that.

I've had him on this stage

month after month

because I knew one day

his star was gonna shine.

There's very little else

I can say about him except that

he's like a son to me.

Come on, let's have a nice warm welcome

for Steven Gold,

the comedy of Steven Gold,

ladies and gentlemen.

Come on up here, Steven.

Come on Steven.

He wants to be coaxed,

he wants to be coaxed, come on.

Steven, come on up here.

Come on.

He's a little shy.

Let's give him a big hand, come on.

Steven Gold, come on Steven.

That a boy, Steven, right there.

- Good evening.

- [Female] Good evening, yeah.

- Uh, my name is, uh.

Well, you know who I am.

Wow.

Anyone here from?

Don't you hate it when comics do that?

It means they don't know

what else to say.

Anyone from out of town?

Here you go, okay.

Yeah, yeah.

You, Sir, where are you from?

- [Male] Green Bay, Wisconsin.

- There's nothing funny about that.

What are you doing while

you're here in town?

Are you having fun?

- Until now.

(laughter)

- That's funny.

This guy's all right.

Is that your wife with you, Sir?

- [Male] My daughter.

- Whoa, that's not gonna work, huh?

I was going to ask if you had

any naked pictures of her.

That won't work now, will it?

- [Male] No, that's not gonna work.

- No, that won't work.

I have some people in the audience.

I'm not gonna kid around

with you people.

This is a heavy night.

This is a real heavy night.

I thought I was gonna get

discovered tonight,

and that is exactly what happened.

I did.

That was a private joke.

Private joke, and I'm a comedian,

so I'll go public with these,

with the jokes.

My father is a doctor.

When I was a student

I was a really bad student,

but that didn't stop my dad,

doctor pulling a lot of strings

to get me into med school

even though it didn't seem

to matter to anybody that

I couldn't even stand

the sight of blood.

As a matter of fact,

I once got yelled at pretty bad

because during a fishing trip

I wouldn't take the hook,

and put it through a minnow

because I didn't want to give it

cerebral contusions.

I didn't want to give it

optical poptitude, you know.

You know what optical poptitude is?

It's bulging eyeballs, so.

There's something funny in here.

I'm gonna find something funny in here.

I don't really know

what's funny anymore,

so if you people could help me out.

Just laugh any time

that you feel anything funny

just feel...

Let me tell you about medical school.

You can't make the mistake

of letting them know that

you're squeamish about some things

because, man, they smell it on you.

They smell it on you in medical school.

I once made the mistake

of telling this female lab partner

of mine that I couldn't stand

to see things suffer

like little frogs

that we have to dissect.

And she took this

thing it's called a probe.

It's like this prong thing,

and she plucked out this frog's eye,

and she flicked it at me,

and it stuck on my neck.

I think that's pretty funny.

See, my dad is this big macho guy,

and he shoots deer and shit like that.

I'm this kid who can't stand

the sight of blood.

You know, they used to have

deer in Chicago until

my brother and father

gunned them all down.

They killed them all.

These are the guys

who killed Bambi's mom.

Wait a minute.

I didn't tell you about the dead cat.

I haven't told you about the dead cat.

My fucking roommates

they would put this dead cat

in my bed all the time.

Someone help me.

Christ!

- Come here.

(upbeat music)

- Check it out, baby.

- Leave me alone,

all right, Lilah, just go.

Go home.

Just leave me the fuck alone, Lilah.

- [Lilah] You're all right.

You're all right.

You're all right, Steven.

(jazz music)

- So my brother would be down

in the library studying,

and I would be upstairs in the attic

covering myself in tin foil,

from head to toe.

Making up these superheroes of my own,

you know, Tin Foil Man.

Shingle Kid, you know.

Stuff to make my friends laugh,

but at home, I was,

no, I was never funny.

- I used to make everybody laugh.

Even my husband.

God, we used to laugh.

- So?

What happened?

- I don't know.

The kids or his job.

Me.

I don't know.

- [Steven] So why don't you leave him?

- I've got carpool in the morning.

- He sounds like a prick.

- Look, he works all day,

and then he comes home,

and takes care of the kids all night.

- He sounds like a saint.

- He's not wrong.

I don't know.

Maybe I should quit, I don't know.

- What, quit stand-up?

No, no, no, no, you can't do that.

- Why not?

- Because you're funny.

I mean, you don't know how to

get to it yet,

you haven't figured that out,

but you're funny.

- Look, don't kid me

about this, all right?

- I'll say anything to a woman,

and not mean it.

I'll say I love her.

I'll say she's beautiful.

I'll say she's sexy.

I don't mess around with funny.

- Oh yeah, this is great.

Oh yeah, this is really great, you know.

- What?

- [Lilah] Wonderful, just wonderful.

- What?

- Look, I'm a married woman.

- [Steven] So?

- I'm 10 years older than you,

I got to go.

- So, wait, Lilah.

- [Lilah] I got to go.

- Lilah, look, come on, be Italian.

- What does that mean?

- I was hoping you would know.

Look.

- I got to go, I really got to go.

- Look, you're in trouble already,

so hang out with me tonight.

I'll teach you something

about being funny.

Yes, you can.

- Honestly, I can't.

- Look, you just want to

talk to the crowd.

Can you pull over here please, thank you.

- I need my jokes.

I can't get up there without my jokes.

- You talk to the crowd.

You talk to the crowd.

They talk to them they talk to you.

That's how you develop material.

- Steven, listen to me Steven.

- Come on, come on.

You got to learn now, come on.

- I just simply can't do it.

Its' just something.

- [Steven] Come on!

- All right, God Almighty!

You don't have to yell at me.

Steven, I have nothing to say.

- Yes, you do, the subway.

- What subway?

- Remember the subway.

- I don't remember the subway.

I don't even know what

a subway looks like.

- [Steven] I'll remind you.

- Steven

Hi,

I'm Lilah,

and I don't know what I'm doing.

I'm not allowed to use

my jokes tonight,

so I'll tell you I'm a housewife.

I'll admit to that,

and I have three kids,

and I live in New Jersey.

So, you see, I'll admit to anything.

- Where are your kids?

- What?

- [Steven] Where are your kids?

- Home.

- Who's looking after them?

- My husband.

- What if your husband's not available?

Do you have a babysitter?

- Charles Manson.

(laughter)

And then if he's busy you use

that other nice boy down the street

that Davie Berkowitz.

He's so good with the dog.

All right, it's not funny.

Okay, so shoot me.

All right, I'm just gonna grab the...

All right.

This man over here is laughing.

What is your name, Sir?

- Bob.

- Bob, and what do you do?

- I'm a marketing consultant.

- Marketing consultant.

You're a marketing consultant?

Bob, could I consult with you

for one minute?

Whenever I get a cart,

why is it that one wheel always goes

like this, and it pulls to the right,

right into the canned goods?

I mean, I've wondered about it,

haven't you?

This lady is laughing here.

You have a problem with produce,

don't you?

I think you must, you have your hand

in that gentleman's lap, I think.

(applause)

So, tonight it's gonna be career night

because everybody's life is funny.

Trust me on this.

We are all God's little

animated cartoons.

This gentleman right here.

Sir, what's your name?

- Murray.

- Murray, trust me on this

When your life is funny, Murray.

What do you do for a living?

- [Murray] I'm an insurance salesman.

- You're an insurance salesman?

Did you ever want to be anything else?

Come on, think back, think back with me.

You're four, you're two, you're three,

you're a small child.

You're dressing up, it's Halloween.

You know, all the other boys,

they're firemen, they're policemen,

they're Zorro, they're Batman,

and cute little Murray,

whose mother adores him is a?

- [Murray] An insurance salesman.

- An insurance salesman?

Murray, this can't be true.

What, you dressed up

in a polyester suit,

and handed out cards

with your name on it?

This is a bachelorette party?

So, could I see what you've got here?

Come on.

I know you must have

an appliance or two.

It's a shower for goodness sake.

You see, this is what I was asking for.

I'm not so old-fashioned.

You have appliances in today's age.

You get...

I hope this is for a sore shoulder.

(laughter and applause)

Look, you got to take this

right away, honestly.

Holy moly, that's very frightening,

it's very frightening, I mean,

that's a high-voltage item, Buffy.

I mean, I don't want to be

intimate with anything that has

a 90-day warranty.

(laughter and applause)

(soft music)

- [Steven] Which one's your house?

- [Lilah] It's just up ahead.

I think I should walk.

- Are you sure you're

gonna be all right?

He doesn't beat you up,

or anything like that

because it is almost morning.

- I'll slip into bed

with one of the kids.

He'll think I've been there all night.

- What then?

- I don't know.

- You could run away with me.

- Thank you for tonight.

I'll never ever forget it.

- Oh, you were,

you were brilliant.

- Because of you.

- Now, hold that thought, okay?

- Okay.

- Lilah.

- I got to go.

- No, I want to say something.

- Don't.

- You don't know what I'm gonna say.

- Just say good night.

(soft music)

- You should have let me say it.

- Good night.

- Steven, what are you doing here?

- Well, they won't put my calls

through to your office,

but I figured you had to have lunch, so.

- I'd love to, but I'm swamped

trying to line this thing up.

- You know, I was waiting for you

down at the club,

but you never came down.

- Well I called.

You didn't get my message?

I don't believe it, you don't know.

No one called you this morning?

- I'm locked out of my apartment.

I don't, what?

- Listen to this.

I'm having dinner last night

with this guy,

major network executive, top brass

telling him how incredible you are

insisting he come down to see you,

and the whole idea just explodes

into something absolutely spectacular.

Are you ready?

Two weeks from today,

we're coming down with our cameras

to shoot a one-hour special.

The pilot for a weekly series

called Open Audition.

The winner each week gets

a guest spot on Johnny Carson.

What do you think, brilliant?

- Well, I think it's not what

you promised me.

- I promised you'd be seen.

This is no aimless audition.

The winner gets a shot at Johnny Carson.

- No one's coming down

to see me anymore.

- Of course they'll see you.

You're the best there.

- In your opinion.

- In my opinion.

It's worth something.

- Well, it's certainly worth

a lot more than your word.

- Steven, for your information

the owner of your club

sent me a list of submissions.

The name Steven Gold wasn't on it.

He said you were emotionally unstable.

I had to exert pressure

just to keep you in this thing.

Don't give me heat about my word.

- Who else exactly is on this list?

- [Madeline] Why?

- Because there's someone good

you might have forgotten.

- Aren't you nice?

Aren't you nice?

Hello everybody,

and welcome to America's

favorite noontime show in syndication.

It's the Lesbian Lunchbox.

You know, so many lesbians

come down to see the show.

I thought we'd just glance around,

and talk to some lesbians

that are here tonight.

Isn't that a good idea?

Doesn't that sound like

a wonderful idea to talk to some

lesbians here in the audience.

Hi, are you a lesbian?

- [Female] No!

- [Male] Methinks the lesbian

doth protest too much, just teasing you.

(ringing)

- Hello.

- Yeah, this is the phone company.

Is Mrs. Krytsick in, it's important.

- [Carrie] Mom, phone company.

- Hello.

- Lilah, it's me.

- Steven.

- [Steven] Yeah, I'm at the club.

What's going on?

Are you coming down?

- Look, you shouldn't have

called me here.

Didn't you get my message?

- Yeah, I did.

What does that mean, exactly,

you can't come down to

the club for a while?

- Look, I really can't talk.

- Well, wait a minute.

What about the contest?

You're on the list.

- What contest?

- At the club where the winner gets

a shot on the Carson show.

- And I'm on the list?

- Yeah, yeah, I got you on it.

- [Lilah] When is it?

- A week from Wednesday.

- Oh, God, I can't do it.

- Why not?

- Look, Steven, I'm kind of in

a holding pattern here.

My husband wants me to quit.

- Jesus Christ, Lilah.

How long are you gonna put up

with this horse shit, huh?

- Steven, it's really not that simple.

- It is that simple.

You're with the wrong fuckin' guy.

He doesn't deserve you and you know it.

I'm not afraid to come up there,

and tell that to his face, you know.

You should be with me.

I'll not afraid to tell him that either.

- No, no, no, the phone

is working just fine.

- Look, Lilah, you get your ass

over here in a taxicab

right away, all right?

- [Lilah] It's a little late for that.

- Who is it?

- It's the phone company.

- Okay, all right tomorrow then.

You meet me at

the coffee shop at six o'clock

- No, I couldn't make that appointment.

I'm getting my hair done tomorrow.

- I love your hair!

- What's wrong with the phone?

- I don't know.

- All right, listen.

You come down, and you meet me,

or I'm gonna come up there,

and I'm gonna tell your husband that

I'm crazy in love with you,

and that you're in love with me.

- Wednesday.

- What time, six o'clock?

- Don't get hustled into an appointment

if there's nothing wrong with the phone.

Give it to me.

- [Steven] Lilah, six o'clock?

- No.

- Give it to me.

- No, no.

- Lilah.

Lilah.

- I can't talk right now.

- So that's what this has been about.

- No.

It's just a friend.

- A man?

- [Lilah] A comic.

- Oh, I see.

- He believes in me.

He thinks I'm funny.

- Some day, Lilah,

and it may be too late

you're gonna remember that

the people in this house loved you

whether you were funny or not.

- [Jenny] It's 7:30, you happy?

I'm home.

(melancholy music)

- If you can't make money

selling your services

what are you gonna sell, your body.

You're gonna go down to this hospital,

and get an immediate appraisal of

your own self-worth.

"450 for your liver, for your liver 450.

"Two pints of blood?

"Yes, I'll take it off your hands,

"and I'll take off your heads.

"For your eyes 10 cents.

"No noses today, no noses.

"Come back Tuesday."

If you're not gonna sell your body,

what are you gonna sell, your dreams?

Go down to one of these dream clinics.

Can you imagine that?

Selling your dreams?

- Hi, so what do you want?

You know I'm a hair designer.

I could give you anything.

Glamour, punk.

Look at these roots, look at that.

Want to go back to your natural colour?

- I just want a change.

- [Hairdresser] What, a whole new look?

A whole new thing?

- Different, I want a change.

- Okay, okay, great, all right.

I got a great idea.

You're gonna love this.

- [John] Well, this stuff looks ready.

Where is she?

- She said she'd be home by 5:30.

- Well, it's almost six.

- She's getting her hair done.

- How long does that take?

- You better take the roast out.

- What do I do?

- [Carrie] Well, you open the oven,

and take it out.

- Don't get smart with me.

- Sorry.

Stop eating those.

You'll spoil your appetite.

Lilah?

Lilah.

- I didn't mean to do it.

I just wanted a change.

I didn't mean to do it.

- Now take it easy, Lilah.

- [Carrie] Mom, don't cry.

- Take it easy, Lilah, take it easy.

Come on, come on now,

come on, honey, come here, come here,

come here, come here,

just sit down now, sit down.

- Just calm down.

- [Lilah] I didn't do it on purpose.

- Sit down, sit down.

It's not that bad.

- [Carrie] It's not.

- I look like Buckwheat.

- No.

- Come on, you're just not used to it.

We'll just have to get used to it.

- Yeah, we got to get used to it.

- Okay?

- [Lilah] Okay.

- Okay, I'll tell you what.

We're gonna see what we got here.

Let me look at it.

- [Lilah] Okay.

- I'll take a look, okay?

- [Lilah] Okay, okay.

- I think it's wonderful.

- You do?

- No question.

- You look like a movie star.

- You're not just saying that?

- No.

- [Heidi] You look like Miss America.

- [Carrie] You're the prettiest mother

of any kid at my school.

- It looks better

than it ever looked before.

- Mothers at my school are pigs

compared to you.

- Oh, you.

- They are, they're oinkers

compared to you.

- [Heidi] You've got the prettiest hair

of anyone in the world.

- Sweetheart.

Honey, thank you.

- [Carrie] Thank you.

(laughter)

(jazz music)

- Yo, Lilah.

- Steven.

How's it going?

- Tough going?

- I like your outfit.

- Oh, thank you, it's my Italian look.

Married woman, single man,

scandalous affair.

What happened to your head?

- It's terrible, isn't it?

- No, no.

Did they drill holes in it for bowling?

- Thank you, Steven.

I knew I could count on you.

- Always, coffee?

Dry out a bit.

Pedro, dos cafe con leche, por favor.

- Thanks.

- I didn't get you in trouble, did I,

by calling you at the house?

- No, it's not your fault.

- What's the deal?

He doesn't let you have friends.

He doesn't let you do stand-up.

I'm surprised he lets you out the house.

- He thinks I'm at a PTA Meeting.

- So why don't you leave him?

You could do that, you know.

People do it all the time.

Especially, now that he knows

there's another man.

You could pack up those kids and split.

- Steven, I've only got

a couple of minutes.

Could we talk serious?

- Okay, you know why six

is afraid of seven?

- [Lilah] What?

- You want to talk serious.

This is serious.

You know why six is afraid of seven?

- [Lilah] No.

- Because seven "eight" nine.

It's a kid's joke.

See, I do kids' parties,

and kids love me

once they get to know me,

and I think that your kids will love me,

once they get to know me.

- I'm sure, Steven.

- [Steven] You know, Mr. Carrot,

and Mr. Lettuce had

a terrible auto accident.

You know what the doctor said

when they took them to the hospital?

- They'd be vegetables

the rest of their lives.

- You knew it?

- [Lilah] No, I didn't.

- You know, I had a girlfriend,

she was so skinny.

- [Lilah] Steven, Steven.

- You know how skinny she was?

- When she drank tomato juice

she looked like a thermometer?

- That's right.

You know how ugly she was?

- [Lilah] Steven, these are so old.

- Tell me how ugly she was.

- [Lilah] These are very old.

- Tell me how ugly was she?

- How ugly was she?

How ugly was she?

When she walked into a room

all the mice jumped on chairs.

- Do you see?

Do you see how great we would be?

Together, I mean, married or something.

That's right, that's what I said.

I said married.

- Steven, I love my husband.

- Yeah.

Well,

because we're gonna be married

you'll have to get over that.

- I know you don't believe it,

but he loves me, too, he does.

Sometimes, I think he deserves a medal.

- Steven,

you just took it too far.

We were friends, we are friends, we are.

It's not like we're not

gonna see each other,

we are gonna see each other.

- You're gonna give up stand-up comedy?

- I don't know.

- Well, that's where I am, babe.

See, I'm Mr. Comedy,

and if you kiss it off

then you're kissing me off, too,

so don't tell me we're gonna

see each other again.

- [Lilah] They're my family.

They need me.

- What if I told you that

I was gonna die without you?

Not that I am, mind you,

but what if I told you I was?

That I woke this morning thinking that

you were all I had to keep me going.

- You have comedy to keep you going.

- Yeah.

- Jesus, what do you want from me?

- Nothing!

Nothing.

Nothing, just go back to New Jersey,

and clean house and tell jokes

into a vacuum cleaner handle,

and when your husband comes home,

pin a fucking medal on him, pin it deep.

- You think that's what I want?

- No, nothing,

I don't know what you want.

In the words of our own Billy Lane

"The love of my life

"is a lady named Comedy."

And in the words of Henry Kissinger

"A man should never be separated

"from his luggage."

Now this is neither here nor there,

but it's right in the middle.

Right where the thalamus joins

the basal ganglia which is right there,

and if you haven't heard basal ganglia,

you haven't heard Shakespeare performed

the way it ought to be.

The basal ganglia,

where something passing through

the size of just a peanut

can bring silence!

Darkness, like a comet, like a ship,

lo, passing into the night.

- This scares me, stop it!

- Don't be scared

because I'm funny Steve

with a lampshade on his head

who is singing and dancing,

for your entertainment,

his own rendition of

Singing in the Rain!

♫ La-la-la-la la-la-la-la-la

(soft music)

- [Male] Girls, everybody, come close.

I want to talk to you, please.

- Marty, come up here.

Yeah, get Stu to give you a hand,

come on, whoa, whoa, whoa.

There are gonna be five judges.

Five judges, I want them

seated at table seven.

Eve, you take care of them.

Everything's on the cuff.

Everything's on the house.

- Hey, you guys!

They said that Robyn Green is coming,

and he's gonna be one of the judges.

- Big fuckin' deal!

- [Male] You, no way.

No, no, no way, okay?

- [Lilah] I don't know where to park.

- Well, you can't park here, okay?

- I'm one of the comics.

- [Male] What's that?

- I'm one of the comics.

- Don't tell him to get out of here,

he's on the show.

- [Male] All right, well, listen, back it up.

- He's gonna win.

- Great, pull around back there, park it.

People, the show don't start

for two hours.

Please get out of here.

Whoa, who, whoa,

that's electric that cable.

- Rico, you're seven,

Petroviak, you're eight,

Lilah, nine, where's Lilah?

Doesn't she know there's a contest?

Where's Steven, where's Ball?

Didn't I tell everybody

to be here by six o'clock?

Will you tell me when

they get here, please.

- Romeo, why I got to go first, man?

- Somebody's got to go first.

Why shouldn't it be you?

- [Albert] I don't want to go after Ball.

- What is this, a mutiny?

- I didn't get a number.

- Billy, what are you doing here?

- The contest.

- Billy, didn't you, I had a list.

Didn't you read the list?

Billy, I'm terribly sorry.

I only got ten spots.

It's a network television audition.

It's for comics of the future.

Come on, I need you in the audience.

I need you for laughter, huh?

Come on, I need everybody.

Everybody's got to laugh

at everybody else's act.

We're a family, right?

Relax, I'll call you later.

(sirens)

- I have an announcement, folks.

Elvis has cancelled.

Please turn in your tickets

at the box office.

You want to bop a little bit, girls.

Here come the dogs.

(barking)

- Mom, dessert's ready.

Dad wants you to come down.

Mom?

Dad made a special dessert.

- Where are you going?

- There's a contest at the club tonight.

I want to be in it.

- [Carrie] But you promised Daddy.

- I promised Daddy

I would think about it, and I have.

If you guys would come in

I'd like to talk to you

about what I've been thinking, come on.

Come on.

There's three things

in this world that I love.

I love being a mom.

I love being a wife,

and I love being able

to make people laugh.

I've always been able to

make people laugh

even when I was a little girl.

It's always made me feel good.

It still makes me feel good.

The thing is

when you do it right,

and you make people laugh

it feels like,

like you're doing something that

no one else could do quite the same.

You know?

It makes you feel

special.

I'd be a happy mom if you guys

could find something in your lives that

could make you feel that way,

you know, make you feel special.

You know what I mean?

I'd be even happier

knowing that the people who loved you

were helping you to do that.

I want to be a wife.

I want to be your mom,

and I want to be a comedienne.

I know.

People don't always get everything

they want out of life.

But it would feel terrible to not try.

- Lilah,

could I see you?

- When I come home.

- I mean, do it.

I'd like to see you do it.

- Say yes, Mom.

- Okay.

- [Carrie and Heidi] Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right.

- [Steven] It's Robyn Green,

ladies and gentlemen.

Let's not get too close to Robyn, folks.

Robyn's a celebrity.

He doesn't want to be bothered

by scum like us.

Oh, look, he's got a bodyguard.

I bet you anything

his name is Vic or Tony.

How's the bone-breaking business, Tony?

Ha-ha, nice hair.

Oh, it's another limousine, everybody.

That can only mean one thing,

a celebrity's inside.

Let's see who it is.

It's some guy.

It's some older gentleman

with some beautiful blonde babe.

Hey, folks, can you stop

just for a photograph, please?

Come on, come on.

Just for a lively little photograph.

- [Female] Who is that guy?

- Come on in, everybody.

The contest hasn't started.

You're gonna see a great show.

I had to come up on stage.

I had to say hello because I love you.

How much do I love you?

- Give a hand for Robyn Green, huh?

The wonderful Robyn Green.

- We don't have time for any more jokes,

ladies and gentlemen.

Maybe a couple of punchlines.

Ping Pong balls?

I thought you said King Kong's balls.

- Honey, you look great.

- [Lilah] So do you.

Good to see you.

Hi Joycee, thanks,

thanks.

- Ladies and gentlemen,

Robyn Green, you know,

started right on this very stage,

and now I can't get him off.

Off, off, off, off, off.

- Thank you very much,

ladies and gentlemen.

Romeo, Romeo.

- Very good, very good, Robyn.

That's wonderful.

Ladies and gentlemen,

this is a big night for us here at

the Gas Station because

we have a distinguished panel of judges

who are gonna select one of

our rising young comedians,

and give him an opportunity

on a major network television show.

I'd like to have a hand for our

distinguished panel of judges, huh?

You remember them from Nuremberg, huh?

It's time to roll,

ladies and gentlemen, here we go.

- [Male] And tape is rolling.

- Tape is rolling.

- [Male] We are on a go.

- We are on a go, okay, now, okay?

(drum roll)

Welcome to contest night at

the Gas Station.

(upbeat music)

- ♫ Stop

♫ Stop

♫ Stop what you're doing and think of me

♫ Stop

♫ Stop what you're doing and think of me

♫ I'm so successful

♫ Oh, can't you see?

♫ I love to hug myself

♫ It brings me ecstasy

- You know, a lot of people

think all black men are well-hung.

This ain't the truth.

You got brothers out there

with three and four inches.

Yeah, those are the ones that

date white women.

Is this thing on?

- So I was at my girlfriend's house

the other day, and she was waking up.

She leans over to me and she says

"Sweet pea, want some breakfast?"

- I am pissed off of a Japanese.

Japanese people piss me off.

Yes, you know why?

You know why?

- [Audience] Why?

- Feel how heavy this shit is.

- When a guy is mean to us,

or if he cheats on us

we can't tell him you're a bastard.

We'll call our girlfriends up, right?

And with a syllable hysteria

He-hurt-me-so-much

I-can't-take-the-pain

I-gave-to-him-my-love.

- Is she almost finished?

- I don't know.

- I'm on next.

- Fantastic.

- Prepare for greatness.

- All set.

- [Female Comedian] Thank you.

- You know what I like to do sometimes?

I like to piss off Iranians.

I like to piss off

Middle Eastern people.

It's called punk terrorism,

and what I do, right,

is I go downtown to carpet stores,

and I walk into the place and I say

"Hi, I want carpet,

"but I don't have the square footage."

An Iranian guy will say

"You don't want carpet

"you want an area rug."

And I say "No, I don't want

"an area rug."

These people are like

newly-bom bald eagles.

You know, it's like "area rug."

- ♫ It don't mean a thing

♫ If it ain't got that swing

♫ Do-wha-do-wha Do-wha-do-wha

♫ Do-wha-do-Wha Do-wha-do-wha

- Have you seen Mister Ball?

We can't find him up here.

- He's not down here.

- Well, somebody better find him.

He's about to miss his spot.

- Let's do a Mary.

♫ Mary, Mary, Bo Berry

♫ Banana Fanna fo Ferry

♫ Fee Fi Mo Airy, Mary

A little trick with Jesus.

♫ Jesus, Jesus Bo Besus

♫ Banana Fanna fo Jesus

♫ Fee Fi Mo Besus, Jesus

Let's do Pope John Paul.

(knocking)

- Hello.

Is anybody in there?

Mister Ball?

- [Mister Ball] This is the men's room.

- Are you all right?

- I can't do it.

- Yes, you can, you're up.

- I'm gonna puke.

- Take a deep breath.

- They're gonna hate me.

- They're gonna love you.

- They always hate me.

- You're gonna turn it around tonight,

Mister Ball.

- You think so?

- Yes, I do, I think so.

I feel it, I really feel it.

Now come on,

you have to do it for your students.

- I got to do it for them.

- You got to do it for the History Department.

- For the History Department I got to do it.

- Come on, you can do it.

Get out there,

get on that stage, and kill.

- I'll try.

- You'll try, you'll do it.

- Did you notice my wife out there?

- I did, I did, she's sitting there.

She looks great, she's got a good seat.

You look wonderful.

- [Mister Ball] Thanks, you like the suit?

- Yes, very much.

- [Mister Ball] It's reversible.

- Billy?

- I love travelling

because when you travel

you see a lot of history.

I went to France.

France, you have to know

the language when you go there,

otherwise, they don't like you.

So I bought these tapes,

where you learn

the language while you sleep,

but there was something

wrong with my tape.

Halfway through

it went into disco music.

I didn't know this 'til I got there.

I get off the plane, somebody goes,

Parlez-vous francais?

I went Oui, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it.

I looked around,

and then I went to Canada

- Steven, Steven,

something's wrong with Billy.

- [Mister Ball] Canada they want to be

so much like America,

but they have different rules,

and regulations up there.

- [Steven] Is there any

pressure right here?

- No.

- [Steven] Is there any sensation

in this arm,

or numbness in the left hand?

- [Billy] No.

- Is your stomach queasy?

Do you have a headache?

- [Billy] No.

- Are you taking any medication?

- [Billy] None.

- Seen any bad TV shows or anything?

Okay, is there any pain

when you breathe?

Any pain there?

Any pain when I lift

your arm up like this?

- I don't have any pain.

You didn't have to come down here.

- Is there someone

who can take you home tonight?

- I'm gonna stay.

I want to see who wins.

- It's not a heart attack.

You got a rock-steady pulse.

- I'm fine.

- Okay, you'll be all right down here?

Okay, just relax, take it easy.

- You know, it's a great feeling to win.

I did it once in a contest in Las Vegas.

It was bigger than this.

I won a shot on the Ed Sullivan Show.

Ever hear of it?

It was bigger than Carson.

Bigger.

Any day.

- I have to tell this right off, folks.

I have a drinking problem.

I've been drinking like

a fish all night.

(laughter)

Here's my impression

of a dentist appointment.

"This won't hurt a bit."

- He's good.

- But not good enough to take me.

- You're up for it.

- Oh yeah, I'm going out with a bang.

I got all new stuff, how about you?

- Oh, I got some new stuff.

- Good, get up there,

and beat me up with it.

- I'll do the best I can.

- I'll do better.

- [Jerry] I know what you

people want now, jokes!

- Steven,

I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt you.

- Well, forget about it.

You're not missing anything.

I'm a lousy lay.

- Yeah, so am I.

- See, we'd have been

perfect for each other.

- [Romeo] Jerry Petroviak,

all right, all right.

- What?

- I'm on next.

- So, take it easy, you'll be fine.

- [Romeo] Now, this next lady I told you about.

- Oh God, I can't remember anything.

- Why is six afraid of seven?

- [Romeo] Seriously, she's one of the really

promising talents here at

the Gas Station.

- Because seven "eight" nine.

- [Romeo] She's beautiful, she's married.

- Go kill them.

- [Romeo] She's the mother that roared.

Let's have a big hand

for Lilah Krytsick.

Come on, Lilah, come on up here.

- Thanks, Steven.

(upbeat music)

(applause)

Hi.

- [Audience] Hi.

- How are you?

- [Audience] Fine.

- Hi.

- [Lilah] What's your name?

- Mark.

- Mark, are you married?

- [Mark] Yes, yes, this is my wife.

- [Lilah] How long have you been married?

- [Mark] Six months.

- Six months?

- [Mark] Too long.

- Too long?

Now listen, you shouldn't laugh.

It's very difficult, it honestly is.

I mean, we all know this.

You're never on solid ground.

I've been married to my husband

for 15 years.

Sometimes, he comes home,

and I look at him and say

"Who is this man?

"How did he get in my house?

"I've never seen him before in my life."

And other times our identities meld,

you know, I itch, he scratches,

I feel better.

I mean, I don't know where

he ends and I begin

except in bed

when he's usually ending,

just when I'm beginning.

(laughter)

You know, the thing is,

before we were married

when we used to, you know, make love,

he would say to me

"Oh, sweetheart, goddamn,

"you feel so good.

"You're so beautiful.

"I love you so much."

And now he says "Move your head,

"I can't see the screen."

(laughter)

Before we were married,

my husband John he always used to go.

And he used to go.

And now he just goes.

(laughter)

Truly, honestly, I think that men

have it very, very hard today, you do.

Not when you need it, but.

(laughter)

I'm sorry.

I mean, it's hard, no.

(laughter)

You're doing this to me, now come on.

I mean, really, it's a difficult

situation for men, it really is.

I mean, it's like women

have gotten to the point where

they almost don't need men anymore.

I mean, you know, there's like these

mechanical items.

You know what I mean?

You know what I mean.

You use one of these things?

Oh, my, not for me.

Honestly, no offense.

God bless, go to it.

It scares me, it really does.

It really, really frightens me.

I don't think that I want to be intimate

with anything that has

Panasonic written on it.

(laughter)

I'm telling you,

we have nothing to judge from.

All the way back in history

I'm sure the Garden of Eden was a mess.

I'm sure of it.

I'm sure that

Adam was an insensitive lover.

He kept referring to their lovemaking

as getting some rib.

He had no clue

what he was doing this man.

He was completely lost.

One of the first things

he said to Eve was

"Stand back, darling,

"I don't know how big this thing gets."

(laughter)

Thanks, thank you.

- You okay?

- Yeah.

- She did good, huh?

- Uh-hmm.

- [Lilah] God, you know what?

I feel so much better.

I can't thank you enough, thank you.

Thank you.

(applause)

- Let's hear it for Lilah Krytsick.

All right.

Incredible, fabulous, Lilah, fabulous.

Now this next comedian

has been waiting longer than you have.

- Go kill them, Steven.

- You didn't make it easy.

- [Romeo] It's worth the wait.

- I think you can handle it.

- Just watch me.

- [Romeo] Ladies and gentlemen, Steven Gold.

Let's hear it for Steven Gold.

(upbeat music)

(applause)

- Thank you.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, great.

Great!

I blew it already.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Now can you get any more trite,

or boring than that?

I don't think so.

Here I am,

trying to impress these

judges,

and I start with the oldest phrase

in the history of showbiz.

Good evening ladies and gentlemen.

Something completely forgettable

when I'm trying to do is be

remembered up here.

How about these judges, huh?

Hail, Caesar! Hail, Caesar!

I am Spartacus! I am Spartacus!

Why don't we get to know

our judges personally, shall we?

They are Larry, Moe, Curly Joe.

I'm kidding around.

Seriously, Chico, Harpo, Zeppo.

All right, all right, cut it out.

Fred, Wilma, Barney.

Will you knock it off?

I'm funny, okay,

Lassie, Benji, Rin Tin Tin.

Hey, all right, they are

some well-dressed guy.

Next to him his homosexual

Svengali lover.

A woman.

Some guy who got thrown out of radio.

Is that the lowest?

And, finally, of course, Robyn Green.

Robyn Green, when he appeared

right here, right here

on this very stage.

Right here on this very stage,

and what he did,

Robyn would be introduced

ladies and gentlemen,

the comedy stylings of Robyn Green.

Comedy stylings, what did that mean?

Like, he's not a dermatologist.

He's a skin stylist.

Not a dentist, but a tooth stylist.

Not a barber, but a barb stylist.

A hair stylist.

Well, a hair stylist.

I guess that would be right.

Who wants to be a comedian

these days anyway?

When I was a kid,

I wanted to be a superhero.

I wanted to live in a super fortress.

Even though some of these superheroes

have pretty jive superpowers

like Aqua Man.

Aqua Man can breathe

underwater and talk to fish.

These are superpowers?

Wonder Woman?

Wonder Woman flew an invisible jet.

How did she find it?

She stumbled around the runway

until she got lucky?

"Oh, here it is."

What did the control tower tell her?

"We think you have clearance."

Can anybody be a superhero?

Table Man.

He solves crimes at dinner for four.

The Motorcycle Guy.

His helmet has secret compartments.

Big Lady, criminals flee, who wouldn't?

New York City cab drivers are required

to have chauffeurs' licenses.

Now, what is the point of this?

"Stop the honking, stop the honking.

"I brake for human beings, so shoot me.

"I can't just run the old lady down.

"Okay, people, next stop,

"Empire State Building.

"You know how to get to

"Empire State Building?

"Practice, practice, ha-ha-ha."

But I don't really hate taxi drivers.

I don't hate anybody.

The world is far too

confusing a place to hate anybody.

It's like don't even hate that clown

at the bank who tells me

I can't cash my cheque

for 10 working days,

or that jerk at the supermarket.

or those idiots on the subway.

How about these geniuses

who broke up the phone company, huh?

Or trendsetters.

Oh, I don't hate trendsetters.

People who tell us what is hot,

and what is not

Don't tell me what to do!

I don't hate these trendsetters.

Don't tell me what to do!

I'm not wearing bell-bottoms.

I am not wearing bell-bottoms, again,

I don't care that the Prince of Morocco

is wearing bell-bottoms, again.

I know, he doesn't have to live here.

I have to live here.

I don't hate trendsetters,

or debutantes!

I don't hate debutantes!

I don't hate young, rich, white

female debutantes!

I don't even care about debutantes.

They spend $1,000 on their hair.

So what, they're debutantes.

They're wearing priceless

diamond tiaras.

So what, they're debutantes!

They have opinions on world hunger.

Who cares, they're debutantes!

They're having a coming-out party?

They're coming out of a Rolls Royce.

What does this have to do

with life as we know it?

I don't hate debutantes!

(applause)

I don't hate anybody.

I'm not a hate-monger.

I'm more of a hate-stylist, if you will.

Thank you very much.

(cheers and applause)

Thank you.

(upbeat music)

- Bravo!

The demented world of Steven Gold.

Ladies and gentlemen,

let's have a hand for Steven Gold.

How about a hand for

the rest of the performers

we heard here tonight, huh?

- Good stuff.

- Thanks, give me a drink.

- Darling, you were wonderful.

- [Female] You were great.

- [Steven] Thank you.

- Very convincing, very powerful,

very Shaka Zulu.

- Steve, thank you.

- Steven, you were great.

- Do you really think so?

- Absolutely.

- It was do or die tonight.

- All right, you guys,

let's take it downstairs, huh?

Come on, take it downstairs.

- We're gonna wait for

about five minutes while this

distinguished panel of judges

makes up its mind.

In the meantime,

to make it easier for you all

have a drink on the house, okay?

- Lilah.

- It's just personal,

it's from my husband.

(upbeat music)

- Okay, everybody, this is it.

Now, I want to tell you one thing.

There are no losers here tonight.

You're all winners.

Whoever they chose,

they chose because they chose,

and they changed their minds three times.

You know why?

- Cut to the chase, Romeo, who won?

- I can't tell you.

That's what I'm trying to tell you.

They want you all on stage,

so they can get a real reaction

when they announce the winner.

- Man, what is this shit?

- [Male] They want to see

the losers, man.

- Just send the winner up.

- It's their show.

They want it to be a surprise.

- Yeah, big surprise, come on,

we all know who won.

- Oh, yeah, who won?

- Steven.

- Wrong, Steven didn't win.

Don't tell me there are no surprises.

Steven, I'm sorry.

You wanted me to cut to the chase.

I'm cutting to the chase.

It's anybody's ballgame.

Now, I'd like you to line up here.

Steven, I'd like you to set an example.

- Why didn't Steven win?

- Because somebody else won.

- [Lilah] But we all saw it.

He had the best set.

- No, he had the second best set.

He got two votes of the five.

Someone else got the other three.

Now, look, don't embarrass me please.

I promised them that

I would have you all back on stage

before I announced who the winner was.

Now, come on,

anybody who does not get on that

staircase right now is disqualified.

I mean it!

- Did Steven really come in second?

- That's what I said.

- Then I'm out, disqualify me.

- Lilah, come on, what are you doing?

Really, what is she doing?

- Just in case I won, it's Steven's.

- What's she doing?

What are you doing?

- I'm going home.

Eve, would you please tell

my husband to meet me out front?

- Wait, please, Lilah.

- I'm out, too.

- Me, too.

- I'm in, I'm still in.

- Lilah,

you did win.

Makes a difference, doesn't it?

- I really did win?

- Yes, you got three

out of the five votes.

The guy with the gray hair

was crazy about you.

- Yeah.

It makes a difference.

See you later, guys.

- Lilah, don't do this.

- Listen to Steven.

Do you think they're gonna give it

to him just 'cause you walked out?

No, three of those judges

didn't even like him.

They were offended by him.

They're gonna re-vote,

and they're gonna give it

to somebody else,

and even if they did give it to him,

do you think he's gonna be grateful?

10 years from now when

you're sitting in your station wagon

outside some school

with curlers in your hair,

and groceries in the backseat

are you gonna hear from him?

Not even a postcard.

Or any of these others

who'll get it because

you walked out tonight, forget it.

Come on, you won the brass ring.

Come claim it.

- That a girl.

That's my showgirl.

See?

- I forgot my purse.

- Hey, you want to work

in this club again?

- [Lilah] Yeah, I do.

- Nuts.

You're all a bunch of fuckin' nuts.

(drumroll)

- John.

- [John] Lilah.

- [Lilah] Hi.

- Lost, huh?

- I won.

- You won?

- I won.

- You won.

You won.

Why aren't you in there?

- I've got time.

I've got you guys.

Thank you for my note.

- You were great.

- [Lilah] I was?

- You were great.

- [Lilah] I heard you laughing.

- [John] Yeah, I was laughing.

You were hysterical.

- [Lilah] I could hear you laugh

louder than anybody.

- [John] You were wonderful.

You know what I was thinking, though.

Maybe you could tell the story about

remember when you were

giving birth to Carrie,

and you were laying in the parking lot

going "I'm Lamaze! I'm Lamaze!"

- [Lilah] Yeah, that's great.

- [John] You think you could

do something like that?

- [Lilah] Oh yeah, I never

thought of that.

(upbeat music)

- I need start to finish.

- There's a million stories at home,

and Jenny with her Round John Virgin.

- [Lilah] Oh, God, no!

Round John Virgin,

how can you remember that?

- [John] ♫ Round John Virgin

♫ Mother and child

- [Lilah] Oh, that's great.

I never thought of that.

- [Billy Lane] ♫ Don't care if I ever

♫ Have a dime

♫ If I could keep you

♫ Rolling in the aisle

♫ Here's a thought to see you home

♫ And wherever you may roam

♫ Remember this night

♫ And smile

(jazz music)