All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation s07ex1_English

[birds chirping]

‐ That's it?
Just press that?

Hello?

What‐‐oh.

Hi.
My name is Bobby Newport.

And as you can see,
I'm in Switzerland

at my family's private
fox hunting estate.

But I haven't caught any yet.

They're so fast.

You get close and it's
like‐‐zoom‐‐they're gone.

Anyway, my friend
Leslie Knope

asked me if I would
read this message.

"Recently, the cast and writers
of 'Parks and Recreation'

"decided to reunite the cast

"and make a one‐time special
to raise money

"for people hurt
by the coronas.

"We, along with NBC Universal,

"our neighbors at State Farm,
and our friends at Subaru,

"will be matching donations
to Feeding America,

"a non‐profit organization

"that helps people facing
hunger all over the country.

"Please visit the website
and give if you can.

We hope you enjoy this 'Parks
and Recreation' special."

What is she talking about?

Something going on?

I‐‐I haven't watched
the news lately.

What?

[triumphant music]

♪ ♪

[computer beeping]

‐ Hello, Congressman.

‐ Hey, babe.
How are you?

‐ How are you is the question?

I know that shirt
and it worries me.

‐ The most incredible thing
happened.

Okay, so today
I'm cleaning the house.

I get dizzy
from the cleaning supplies.

And then,
I home‐schooled the kids

but they don't learn anything
because of the dizziness.

But then, I had
the most amazing idea.

Do you remember this guy?

‐ Oh, no.

‐ Ahh.
But here's the twist.

Do you also remember this?

‐ Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

‐ Six words, babe.

"Cones of Dunshire..."
the claymation movie.

The entire story
just popped into my head.

This humble little nobody
living his life,

walking around
on a random Tuesday.

Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba.

When suddenly, he finds out

from an ancient scroll,

that he is actually...

The Ledgerman.

‐ Honey, did you put
all the caps

back on the cleaning supplies?

‐ Now, the title is either

"Cones of Dunshire:
The Ledgerman's Ascent,"

or, of course,

"Cones of Dunshire: The Curse
of the Arbiter's Prophecy."

‐ Okay, honey.

I'm gonna be here
at work for a while.

I have to start the phone tree,
and then I will be home.

Just hang in there.
Keep it together.

‐ Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No‐‐take your time.

I'm just gonna start
writing a story‐‐

[disconnect chime]

‐ Hello, Leslie.

I see you are
contacting me again.

‐ This is the system, Ron.

7:00 p. m. phone tree.

I call someone, and then
they call someone else,

and we keep doing it until
everyone has been reached.

This is the system.
You got a better system?

‐ Yes.
We talk far less than that.

Or we just send each other
a photo of ourselves

holding up today's newspaper
to prove we're okay.

‐ It's impossible to get
everyone on the phone

at the same time, you know?

And talking is important, Ron.

We have to look out for our
mental and emotional health.

‐ This is the only
mental health I need.

‐ What are you doing?
Are you in your cabin?

‐ I am.

I come up here to hunt meat

so I don't have to go
to the grocery store.

I've built up about a 12‐year
supply of venison jerky.

I can ship you some.

You'd probably have to get
your incisor teeth sharpened.

‐ Ew.
No.

When you travel, are you
practicing social distancing?

‐ I've been practicing
social distancing

since I was four years old.

Why are you at work?

‐ Well, I shut down

every national park
in my jurisdiction.

Sad but necessary.

And then I volunteered
for several committees

to help us get through this.

‐ Did you also create
those committees?

‐ I did!
So many committees, Ron.

I'm chairing all of them.
It's every girl's dream.

But, you know,
between that and the kids,

I've only been getting
two hours of sleep

instead of my usual four.

This morning, I put
oatmeal on my fingernails

because I thought
it was nail polish.

[beep]
I gotta go.

Keep the phone tree going, Ron.

‐ Who do I have to call

for my second
face‐to‐face conversation?

‐ According to today's
random drawing,

you are calling...Garry.

‐ Bully.

[disconnect chime]

‐ Hey.
‐ Hello.

‐ You got us
for the phone tree?

‐ No, I got Garry,
but I called you.

What are you wearing?

‐ Andy and I put all
of our stuff in garbage bags,

and every day I put on

the first five random things
I pull out.

‐ Okay.
Where's Andy?

‐ Andy!
Ron's on!

‐ Hey, Ron.
‐ Where are you, son?

Why are you in another room?

Are you quarantining?

‐ No, well, kinda.

I locked myself in the shed.
I can't get out.

‐ Why doesn't April
let you out?

‐ Oh, Ron.

Bert Macklin, FBI,

does not need anyone
to help him escape

a measly shed.

‐ How long have
you been in there?

‐ Two days.
I'm pretty hungry.

‐ Well...

I am going to go now.

‐ Wait‐‐who are we supposed
to call next?

‐ I suppose
you should call Garry.

‐ Okay.
[disconnect chime]

‐ No [bleep] way
we're calling Garry, right?

‐ No.
Gross.

No.
[call connects]

‐ April Ludgate!
Andy Dwyer!

‐ Hi, guys.

‐ Ann Perkins,
my beautiful wife.

‐ Hi.

‐ Why are you
guys not together?

Chris?

Did you lock yourself
in the shed?

Probably?

I think that's
pretty common these days.

‐ Actually, Andy, as I've
explained to you several times,

Ann has gone back
to work as a nurse.

So out of an abundance
of caution, she is isolating

in the southeast
part of the house

while the kids and I are
in the northwest,

AKA the living room.

Hi, honey!
‐ Hi, babe!

I'm just helping
with out‐patient care.

Gotta do what we can.

Chris is donating blood
four times a week.

‐ Oh, good for you, man.
[lock clattering]

Who are you giving it to?

Just kind of...
whoever wants it?

"Trade with the Postmates guy"
kinda thing?

‐ I used to date that guy.

‐ Oh, no!
Andy.

The CDC asked me to donate

because I am extremely healthy.

My red blood cells are so big,

you can see them
with the naked eye.

They're like
cherry Froot Loops!

And my blood type
is just positive.

‐ They've designated him
a super‐healer.

So far,
it's just Megan Rapinoe,

him, and a panther
at the Miami zoo.

‐ Okay.
Well, gotta go.

Uh, remember, everybody.

Wash your hands
and throw all your jewelry

in a ditch in the backyard.

Good‐bye.
[call connects]

‐ Hi, everyone.
I'm here now.

‐ Hi, Leslie.
Bye, Leslie.

One of you has
to call Garry now.

Haaaaah.
[disconnect chime]

‐ I know were not
my designated call,

but I had two minutes
before my next meeting,

and I just wanted to say hi
and that I love you

and I miss your beautiful face

and your beautiful voice
and I'm worried about you.

both: Oh, thank you.

‐ Oh.
You were talking about Ann.

[chuckles]
Okay.

I'll go now.
[call disconnects]

‐ Hey.
How are you?

‐ I'm okay.
You know?

Chris has been a real trooper.

He's working from home,

and he's doing everything
with the kids.

‐ How is he exercising?

‐ Well, we did have
a Stairmaster

but he's been
working out so much

that now it's just
a smooth ramp.

We should call Garry, right?

‐ [blows raspberry]
No, thanks.

[call connects]
‐ Hello.

Or should I say,
"selamat pagi,"

as they say here in Bali?

‐ The hell?

‐ His book tour got cancelled,

and it was supposed to end
with a trip to Bali

for him and Lucy.

‐ How are you, Tom?

I haven't gotten you
on the phone tree

for like a week.

‐ Amazing.

Just, uh, blitzing some
entrepreneurial ideas.

What do you think about this?

Double‐breasted pajamas.
‐ No.

‐ Protective masks with other
people's teeth printed on them.

Stay safe
and look fresh as hell

with Timothée Chalamet's smile?

‐ That's just weird.

‐ Teeny tiny iPads
for each finger?

‐ Dumb.

‐ Lasagna...

that's also toilet paper?

‐ [sighs]

‐ Yeah, I might be going
a little stir‐crazy.

Some of these came to me
during my 11:00 p. m. nap.

Isn't it weird time
has no meaning anymore?

Ooh.
Is that something?

A clock with dials
that just move randomly?

‐ Hang in there, Tom.

Let's keep
this phone tree going, okay?

‐ Yep, yep.
Who am I calling?

‐ Garry.

‐ [laughing]

I'm not calling Garry.

[disconnect chime]

What up?
What up?

‐ Tommy!
Oh, damn.

Are you in Bali?
‐ You know it.

‐ Hold on.
I gotcha.

[computer beeps]

‐ Oh, snap.
My friend Donna's here too?

‐ I'll cheers to that.

both: Clink.

‐ So, how's it going?
How's Joe?

‐ I'm good.
Joe's good.

School is all online now,
so he's teaching from home.

Tom, have you ever
witnessed someone

trying to teach a group
of young children something?

‐ Nope.

Based on my experiences
playing Fortnite,

children are terrifying

and make you cry
almost immediately.

‐ It's terrible.
The man is a saint.

The job is impossible.

And every teacher deserves

a brand‐new Mercedes
after all this.

Except for Joe,
of course, 'cause

you know I already
got him a Mercedes.

‐ Oh, damn.
Does it match yours?

‐ What you think?
Clink.

So who do I get next
on the phone tree?

‐ Well, I'm sorry, boo‐boo.

I hate to ruin
your beach buzz‐‐

‐ Ugh.
Okay.

Vacation over.
Bye, babe!

‐ Wait, wait, wait.
Hold on.

I got an idea.

Okay.
Call him now.

‐ Okay.

[call connects]
‐ Well, hello there, Donna.

‐ Hey, Tom sent me this
meeting number,

and said Brené Brown was
giving an emergency TED talk.

Oh, [bleep], Garry.

You're not Brené Brown.

‐ Aww.

It's great to see you too,
Leslie.

‐ So what's new, Mayor Gergich?
How's Pawnee doing?

‐ Uh, well, not bad.

But I will tell you,
some people really fought me

when I had to cancel

the Annual Pawnee
Popsicle Lick 'N Pass.

‐ Very weird tradition.
Why did we ever do that?

‐ Hold on a second.

I got some frosting
in my ear thing.

Okay.

‐ Garry, you're a dog.

‐ Oh, well.

Gayle has called me that
a few times over the years.

‐ Ew, no.
Stop.

She means that
you're literally a dog.

You put a dog filter
on your head.

‐ Oh, shoot.
Okay, hold on.

Um, yeah.
Just turn that off.

Mm‐kay.
Is that better?

‐ I mean, you can see
the screen too, right?

That's clearly not better.

‐ [sighs]
Geez Louise.

‐ Okay, Garry.

Ben and I are
doing a media blitz

to give people an update
on where things stand.

So, I don't know.
Maybe we could

add in some Pawnee outlets.
You know?

And remind people about
the official health guidelines

and how important it is
to stay connected.

‐ That would be awesome.

It is just so important that

the people hear
from their trusted leaders.

You know in a‐‐
in a crucial time

and a crucial moment
in our history bec‐‐

[holding back tears]

I'm sorry.

I'm just getting
a little emotional.

[laughs, sniffs]

[upbeat jazz music]

♪ ♪

‐ Welcome to
"At Home With Joan."

I'm your host,
Joan Callamezzo.

Today's guests are former
Pawnee City Councilwoman

and current Deputy Director

of the Department
of the Interior,

Leslie Knope.

‐ Hi, Joan.

‐ And her houseboy, Ben Wyatt.

‐ Um, I'm actually a member of
the House of Representatives,

a Congressman.

‐ Whatever sex fantasy
works for you two.

I'm not here to judge.

‐ So, Joan,
during this tough time,

we just wanna make sure

that people in Pawnee
and across Indiana

are making use of every
available resource for support.

‐ I agree with that.

Times like these remind me

of why I got into news.

People need a voice
that they can trust.

♪ Especially ♪

♪ One with the voice
of an angel ♪

♪ A legend among icons ♪

‐ Uh, Leslie and I
just wanna make sure

that people are focusing
on their mental health

as well as their
physical health.

‐ Especially those
who live alone.

People who've spent a lot
of time on their own

without human contact.

Do you have someone
you can talk to, Joan?

‐ Yes.

A few years ago,
I accused Jennifer Lopez

of stealing my look,

and I got into quite a back
and forth with her attorney.

‐ No.
Friends, Joan.

‐ Look around.

I'm surrounded by friends.

Every night,
I do a show for them

called "Joan on Joan for Joan."

I recount legendary
Joan Callamezzo moments

like how I scored my EGOT.

‐ You have an EGOT?
‐ Yes.

I've been banned
from all four ceremonies.

[upbeat jazz music]

That's it for today.

The show is
two minutes long now.

All right.
Byeee.

‐ Hi.
I'm Dennis Feinstein.

And if you're anything like me
in these uncertain times,

you're searching
for a new scent or musk

that also repels and eradicates

any and all viruses.

Introducing Miracle Cure,

the cologne proven
to kill anything

it comes in contact with.

How do I know that?

Because every single animal

that smelled it, tasted,
or ingested it

died.

And what are viruses
but tiny animals

that live in your body?

I know what you're thinking.

Shouldn't this be
tested out by "scientists,"

or looked at by "doctors"?

No.
You should listen to me,

Dennis Feinstein,
and my rich friends.

We know what's best for you.

Miracle Cure.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

‐ Welcome to
"Ya' Heard? With Perd."

I'm Perd Hapley,

the Perd I mentioned
a second ago

when I was telling you
the name of my show.

Now, here today are two people

who are also my guests.

Leslie Knope from
the Department of the Interior

and Congressman Ben Wyatt.
‐ Hi, Perd.

‐ Hey, Perd.
How are you?

‐ I guess my first question
is more of a query.

What did you want
to talk about?

‐ Well, Perd, self‐quarantine
can create a lot of anxiety.

It's important that we
keep in touch with friends,

we go on walks with loved ones,

maybe explore a creative side.

I, for example,
am polishing a script

that just may be the most
ambitious Claymation epic‐‐

‐ But‐‐but‐‐but‐‐but‐‐but
what my husband

I think is trying to say

is that, you know,
by any means possible,

we should try to stay
connected with each other.

I can't talk
to my friends every day,

but I try to check in
with my best friend, Ann,

who is smart and beautiful
like a desert fox.

‐ That sounds scary.

‐ She's actually
volunteering as a nurse

right now in Michigan.

Which is another way that
people can feel useful.

You know?

Please donate your time,
your money, your expertise

in any way you can.

We need everyone's help.

‐ You heard it here first,
ladies and gentlemen.

And the "it" that you heard

was the things that
these people just said.

Now, a word from our sponsors.

[relaxing music]
‐ Hello.

I'm Dr. Jeremy Jamm.

This is a very stressful time
for all of us.

And I'm sure you're all
thinking the same thing.

How am I, Dr. Jeremy Jamm,

doing right now?

Well guess what.
I'm doing great.

Gave myself this pretty sweet
quarantine haircut.

Totally nailed it.

I'm also offering
a brand new service‐‐

Home Dental Delivery.

You give me your credit card.

I drop off at your house
a bunch of needles,

gauze pads, drills.

And then we'll get
on the computer.

I'll walk you through your,
uh, your root canal

or whatever you got going on.

Is it legal?
Probably.

Is it safe?
That's up to you.

You eff this up,
it's your own fault.

Jamm Orthodontia.

Now you can Jamm yourself.

‐ Ooooo‐OOOOOOO!

Well, hello.

Where have you been hiding,
you sexy little beast?

It's your boy, Jean Ralphio.

And guess who just got run over
by a Porsche?

[cash register chimes]

This dude did not
wanna go to court.

So I am flush with cash.
[cash register chiming]

Saturated with bills.

First thing I did?

Obviously,
I got this enormous house.

There is no furniture in here,
[camera shutter clicking]

so everything echoes!
[echoing]

Second thing I did with
the racks on racks on racks‐‐

I got some commercial time.

Now I know what
you're thinking.

"Does he have a business?

"No, he doesn't
have a business.

So what is he advertising?"

Sha‐boosh.

This is my personal
phone number.

Call me anytime you want.

I am that bored.

And also, I have been
banned from Cameo.

♪ For doing my videos naked ♪

♪ Naked ♪

Please call me.

I am very sad.

[upbeat music]

‐ And we are back.
Now, I understand

you brought another guest

who is someone
who is not either of you.

‐ That's right, Perd.
Someone who used to be

a very popular children's
performer in Pawnee.

‐ Jaaa, Johnny Karate!

Whaa! Haaah!

‐ We asked Johnny
to come on your show

and speak to the children
of Pawnee.

Chuuh.
That's right, children.

Listen, I know things
are weird now.

You're at home.
You...

miss school.
Ha!

How strange is that?
You actually miss school.

Your parents are home as well,

and they're trying
to teach you

and it turns out
they can't teach you jack

because they are so dumb.

Well, kids, Johnny Karate
wants you to know

you must stay strong

and be nice to your parents.

Also...

chh, chh‐‐these...
wash them.

Wash your hands.

And I know what
you're thinkin'.

I'm a 38‐year‐old man,
and I've literally

never once washed my hands
in my entire life.

‐ Andy, have you never washed
your hands before?

‐ Point is,
if we pull together,

you and I

can karate...chop...

this...virus!
Whhhh!

Things will go back to normal.

They just have to, and...

it might not be today.

It might not be tomorrow.

It might not be next week.

Might not be a year
or a hundred years

or a thousand years.

It might never happen.

‐ Dude.

‐ But it will eventually.

Boys, girls,
this is Johnny Karate

signing out.

Chhha!
Waai‐chi‐iii!

[groans]
Ohh...

Oh, when I did the kick,
I pulled something kinda...

‐ Johnny, we can still
see you.

‐ Oh, right in my butthole.

‐ Thank you, Johnny Karate

for that very inspiring
and confusing message.

I am now gonna close this
little box that you're in

and look at some funny photos
of doggies.

[beep, chime]

‐ What?
[spraying sounds]

‐ Ron? Where are you?
I can't see you.

‐ Good evening, Leslie.

‐ Wow, you're really taking

that protective gear suggestion
to heart.

‐ We're just dealing with
a little bit of an incident.

Earlier this evening,
Diane and I

took a hike in the woods
to take in the sunset

from atop a nearby crest.

‐ Okay. That sounds nice.

‐ It was.
Unfortunately, upon our return,

we discovered
that a particularly nasty

little forest varmint
had broken into the cabin.

‐ What?!
‐ Hi, Leslie.

‐ Oh, my God,
is that Tammy 2?

‐ Yep. Apparently, she's been

camping outside
this whole time,

waiting for just
the right moment to strike.

I think her intention was to
join us in our marital bed...

‐ Mm‐hmm.
‐ Eew!

‐ And then, what,

wrap a piano wire
around my throat?

‐ Uh‐uh‐uh!

‐ Oh, apparently...

not my throat.
‐ Ha ha ha ha!

‐ What? Eew!
Eew‐eew‐eew!

‐ In any case, I subdued her
rather easily

and Diane tied her
to this chair.

We were in the middle
of sterilizing the place

with bleach when you called.

‐ What are you gonna
do with her?

‐ I'll probably put a note
around her neck

and leave her down
at the fire station.

How are you holding up?
‐ Not so great.

You know, I just feel guilty
that I can't check in more.

‐ You can't?
You forced us all into

a daily phone tree.

‐ But I can only talk to
one person at a time.

And sometimes those people
are talking to each other

without me‐‐it's torture!

[phone chimes]
Ohh, okay, I have to take that.

All right‐‐I love you.
I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Just make sure you call
the next person.

[disconnect chime]

‐ Hey. Who were you
supposed to call this time?

‐ I don't care.

I have an idea,
and I need your help.

‐ 'Kay.

[continues drumming]

[phone chimes]

‐ Hi.
‐ Hey. So I've been

reading over my screenplay...

‐ And it's nonsense?
‐ Yeah!

I mean, I don't even remember
writing some of this.

I think I need to pay
more attention

to my mental
and emotional health.

‐ Me too.

[phone rings]
Oh, okay, hold on.

I'm getting another call.
‐ Oh, uh, merge it.

Trust me.

‐ Hey!
‐ Hey!

‐ Hey, guys!

[overlapping chatter]

‐ What's going on here?

Oh, my God, oh, my God!

It finally happened!

‐ Leslie, you said
you needed something

to lift your spirits,
so Andrew...

take it away.

[guitar chords]

‐ [gasps]

‐♪ Up in horsey heaven ♪

♪ Here's the thing ♪

‐ Every time with this song.

‐ Wyatt!

‐ Here we go.
‐ ♪ Trade your legs ♪

♪ For angel's wings ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Once we go all said
good‐bye ♪

‐ This is a long song.

‐ Shut up, Ben!

‐ ♪ You take a runnin' leap
and you learn ♪

♪ To fly ♪

‐ ♪ Bye‐bye little Sebastian ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Miss you
in the saddest fashion ♪

♪ Bye‐bye, little Sebastian ♪

♪ ♪

♪ You're 5,000 candles
in the wind ♪

‐ I'm gonna run out
my entire battery.

‐ [sighs]

‐ ♪ Though we all miss you
every day ♪

♪ ♪

‐ ♪ We know you're up there
eatin' Heaven's hay ♪

♪ ♪

‐ ♪ And here's the part
that hurts ♪

♪ The most ♪

‐ ♪ Humans cannot ride ♪

♪ A ghost ♪

‐ Everybody sing it now!

‐ ♪ Bye‐bye, little Sebastian ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I miss you
in the saddest fashion ♪

♪ Bye‐bye ♪

♪ Little Sebastian ♪

♪ ♪

♪ You're 5,000 candles ♪

♪ In the wind ♪

♪ ♪

‐ ♪ Maybe some day
we'll saddle up again ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I know I'll always miss ♪

♪ My horsiest friend ♪

♪ ♪

‐ ♪ Spread your wings
and fly ♪

♪ Spread your wings and fly ♪

[all whooping, cheering]

‐ Oh, that was amazing!

Someone needs to stop me
before I accidentally say

this is the best month
of my life.

Thank you, everyone.

‐ Bye!
‐ Bye, everyone.

‐ Bye!
Bye, best friends!

‐ Bye‐bye!

‐ Thank you very much
for doing this for me, Ron.

‐ It was easy.
I just called all your friends

and told them I thought
you needed a little help.

They cleared their schedules.

‐ I miss you very much,
and I Love you.

Now, go take Tammy
to the fire station.

‐ We actually just covered her
in deer fat

and left her out
for the wolves.

‐ Ron!
‐ Don't worry.

She's fine.
She chewed through her ropes

and went running off
into the night.

I'm actually a little
worried for the wolves.

Leslie...don't spend
all your time

looking after other people.

Look after yourself
once in a while.

‐ That's good advice.
I'll call you tomorrow.

‐ I'm sure you will.

[phone chimes]

‐ Leslie, can you help me
fix my computer?

‐ Damn it, Garry!

Thank you for watching,
everyone,

and if you can, please donate
to Feeding America

at the website below

or any other charity
that supports

front line healthcare workers,
food insecure people,

or citizens in need.

‐ And if you need to talk
to someone,

contact the National Alliance
on Mental Illness

at nami.org.

or any other organization
designed to help us

through this tough time.

‐ Stay safe and hang in there.
We love you.

‐ We love you.
‐ Stay safe.

‐ God bless you, stay safe.

[overlapping chatter]

‐ Stretch!
‐ Stay healthy, stay sane.