Original subtitles

Come on, Alan. We know you're in there. Why don't you just give up?

We're your local police.

Why don't you support us?

Come on now, everybody back, step back.

Has anybody got a hanky?

You two guys take the stairs. We'll take the elevator.

Stairs? What kind of stairs? I'm wounded.

All right, you take the elevator. You two guys take the stairs.

Alan, you're making a mistake, a tragic mistake.

Someday, when you're older, you'll understand.

Hey, what happened?

Stop!

Okay, now tell me what you see, Alan.

Flowers.

Tulips, jonquils and roses.

Long-stemmed American Beauty roses, actually.

Concentrate. Try a little harder.

Birds, trees...

And there's a river.

A river...

-winding lazily through green valleys. -You're fighting me.

It's so peaceful.

On the banks are happy children...

- Don't fight me, Alan. -And there's clouds, lots of clouds.

Look, one of them looks just like the Easter bunny.

Alan, I want to help you.

Don't you realize...

that these things are supposed to be dirty?

Dirty?

No, that's a butterfly.

A brightly colored butterfly.

You are hostile, you little creep!

You creep! You're a hostile creep!

Doctor.

Doctor, what are you hiding from?

Your whole pattern suggests a rigidity syndrome...

of severe underlying anxiety.

Massive repressions and pathological prejudices.

All of which makes it very difficult for me to relate to you.

So if you really want me to talk, get me my tape recorder.

Anything else?

Now that you mention it, you might get me my transistor radio.

And a corned beef sandwich on rye, no mustard.

Creep.

This is a confession, not a sermon.

I did it.

I am guilty.

However, you know that.

But why I did it...

that is another matter.

For you to clearly understand...

my motives...

I fear I have to begin at the beginning.

The beginning, of course, is Barbara Ann Greene.

Dear, sweet, simple-minded Barbara Ann...

whose deepest and most heartfelt yearnings...

express with a kind of touching lyricism...

the total vulgarity of our time.

We met, Barbara Ann and I...

a year ago.

It was the night before school opened.

Naturally, I had arranged it that way.

Don't be frightened, Barbara Ann. I saw it, and I just had to grab it.

I'm not frightened.

Anyway, how do you know my name?

I'm Alan Musgrave, and we're both going to be seniors here this year.

Hi, Alan, I'm...

That's right, you know my name.

Plan ahead, that's my motto.

At least one of them. Tell me...

would you like to see the rest of the school?

It's locked.

I have keys.

The entrance, as they say on the Late Late Show...

to the bank is here.

Look at it.

Where are you? I can't see.

You are scared.

I am not scared. Would you just please turn on the light?

Alan, stop! Don't do that to me. Turn on the light!

An elevator!

Going up, please?

I went to Longfellow last year.

I went to Irving.

You know, I thought they would never finish Consolidated.

I could just see myself ending my days at dinky old Longfellow.

- Your school days, you mean? -What?

Never mind. What's your major?

Adolescent Ethics...

and what is it? Commercial Relationships.

I opted for Cosmetology, but they programmed me into...

Plant Skills for Life.

Yeah, they used to call it Botany or something.

They're making me take it, too.

How medieval of them.

Hey, you know, I can see where I live.

Where do you live, Alan?

Oh, around.

I stay with people. Come here.

But it's wet.

This is where we are going to put our names.

Now that's dumb. Everybody'll know we've been here then.

That's what they're supposed to know.

What is that?

That is a bird thought to be extinct, but it isn't.

There we are.

Here.

I feel like a movie star...

with my name in cement and all.

If that's what you want...

Someday.

- You cheated. -What?

- Where's your name? -it's there, right there.

That's me, Mollymauk.

A bird thought to be extinct, but isn't.

That's crazy.

Talk to me.

Talk to Mollymauk.

Just tell Mollymauk.

Last year at Longfellow, I won everything.

Head Cheerleader, Miss Longfellow, everything.

But you know, they tore the building down and they've consolidated...

and hardly anybody's gonna know me here.

And I want them to.

I want it to be the same.

I want it again.

Mom sent my picture in to the Seventeen National Smiling Contest.

And I won runner-up.

Everybody said I should've been first, of course.

Everybody has got to love me.

This is my year.

My horoscope says I'm going to be famous.

I'm a Capricorn and I can't miss.

I deserve it, too.

I've been very good.

I haven't done bad things with boys.

Well, a little...

but not really bad...

and only if I liked a boy.

What are you doing with those keys?

- They open everything. -They do.

I know where you're going.

You're heading up to where all the kids park...

-and I am certainly not-- -Mollymauk doesn't park.

He makes lazy circles in the sky.

- I'll show you what I mean. - All right.

- This is fun! Let's get another car. -Okay.

No, don't. I'm so glad. That is Billy Gibbons.

He was captain of the football team at Longfellow last year.

And they beat Irving 63 to 0, I remember.

Yes. He's very tough, so we won't fool around with him.

We'll just keep driving and get another car.

Out of the car.

Come here, wise guy.

That's very funny with the light, pencil neck.

No. Mildly amusing, perhaps, but certainly not funny.

You know where I live.

Of course.

You're not like Billy and the rest of the kids.

They always wanna fool around.

Mollymauk doesn't fool around.

As you may have noticed.

This is just the beginning, Barbara Ann.

Anything you want.

Just tell Mollymauk, he'll get it for you.

Mollymauk has lots of tricks, lots of fun.

Mollymauk will show you things you've never even thought of.

I don't do bad things with boys.

You don't have to do anything.

Just relax.

That's Mom. She has a terrible time sleeping at night.

She just has to let off steam.

See you tomorrow. Okay.

Let me open the door.

Hi, sweetie.

Barbie, I want you to meet a friend of mine. This...

Don't tell me.

I'm so embarrassed.

- I've known this man all my life. -Frank.

Honestly, I'm just terrible with names.

Well, anyway, Frank, this is Barbara Ann, my little baby.

I don't believe it.

You look more like sisters.

That's what everybody says. We've grown up together, haven't we?

I called her Barbara Ann because she was such a pretty baby.

I named her after Barbara Stanwyck and Ann Sheridan, the movie stars.

When she was small, I took her to a gypsy.

This little girl is going to cause a lot of trouble, Fred.

Frank.

Isn't that what the old gypsy said, honey?

Yes, she certainly did. Yes, she did. Good night.

-Isn't she cute? -Yes, she's a duck.

Now, wait, Frank, no.

Frank, stop it. My baby!

You said she'd be asleep.

You look like a little boy when you pout like that.

Honey, if you knew how your poor mother...

worries about you riding around late at night.

By the way, who was that you were with in that corny car?

Just a kid.

I notice you didn't bring him up on the porch to meet me.

Sweetie, are you ashamed of me being a cocktail waitress?

Cut it out, will you?

By the way, this Frank...

Fred. Is he married?

You know I never go out with a married man on the first date.

These kids are seeking something.

I can feel it.

What a challenge.

Didn't have one of these back at dinky old Irving, no siree sir.

Nothing but the best here at Consolidated.

Weldon Emmett here, E-M-M-E-T-T.

Weldon Emmett, your new Principal.

I want to welcome you to Consolidated, our new school.

I hope that you are as thrilled and excited as I am.

It is my firm belief that from you...

the student body of Consolidated, will come forth the future leaders...

and celebrities our nation so sorely needs.

Businessmen, statesmen, scientists...

and movie stars.

Democracy in action.

That's what we want to see here at Consolidated.

Good morning, Mr. Emmett.

Hello, Alan. Have a seat, boy.

Just like old times at Irving.

Glad to have you on the same team, boy.

Figure of speech.

And speaking of teams, Alan...

the old football season's upon us.

I don't suppose I have to waste time...

with Consolidated's number-one IQ by telling you why I sent for you.

No, sir.

Billy won't be throwing that old ball for a while.

No, I'm afraid not, sir.

A team without a quarterback is like a ship without a rudder.

Do you understand, boy?

That's not the important point.

The important thing, Alan, is attitude.

Your attitude, my attitude, the student body's attitude...

the attitude of the whole world is important.

What I'm trying to say, Alan, is that Billy might have been seriously injured.

That he wasn't is, I'm afraid, more a matter of luck...

than good judgment on your part.

I wanted to kill him.

I don't think we ought to kid about something like this, Alan.

I wasn't kidding.

I tried to finish him off.

You see, some people, they remember things better that way.

Now they'll know.

You know what I think, Alan?

I think we're both getting overwrought.

You know what I think, Alan?

I think the best thing to do is to forget the whole thing.

Yes sir, time heals all wounds.

Someday we'll look back on all this and have a good laugh.

Let's say no more about it, shall we?

Okay by me.

Yes, Alan?

A word of advice.

- Certainly, Alan. -You've got a good thing going here.

Don't blow your cool.

Could you help me, please?

Thank you.

- It's good to get out of these clothes. -You know, that is a pretty sweater.

That's acrison silipolatex, isn't it?

You know, that stuff is great.

It's so much better than the cashmere like I have, and it's so much cheaper, too.

You know, it's amazing what the Japanese do with chemicals today.

- There's washing instructions right inside. -No!

- You can burn it or spill anything on it. -Burn it?

- You can burn it? -Sure.

- You know, it's moth-proof, rust-proof“ -Wait a minute. I just...

Is that Billy Gibbons' pin?

- Oh, yes. -Is it really?

You know, he tried to give it to me last year.

- Is he a crazy kid? -Yeah.

He is just too much.

How'd you get it?

- Billy's such a great kid. -Yeah, I know.

You know, you seem like a very nice girl.

We have a club around here. It's called the Cashmere Sweater Club.

You ought to drop by some time, meet some of the girls.

All you need are 12 cashmere sweaters to join.

Really, do that, come by some evening.

- Thank you. -Twelve cashmere sweaters.

Yes, good. Thank you.

Alan, will you stop spinning?

I need 12 sweaters to belong to the club. Cashmere sweaters.

Now, this thing I have on, isn't even cloth. It's some kind of chemical.

What is that?

That is the formula for your sweater.

Two parts acrison, one part silipolylatex and water.

Lots and lots of water.

You know this damn thing doesn't even burn.

- Of course it does. -No, it doesn't.

Sure it does. If I remember correctly...

the burning point for acrison is 2,000 degrees Fahrenheit...

which does, of course, indeed, for all practical purposes, make it fireproof.

This is not funny.

What am I going to do?

- You have a father, don't you? -Of course.

He lives in Oxnard somewhere and he sells things.

Now, divorced parents always feel guilty.

Now, if you could make your father feel really guilty...

Guilty?

Really guilty. Let us say, guilty squared.

Guilty squared?

Father plus divorce times guilty squared...

equals...

sweaters.

Guilty enough for 12 sweaters?

Well, I don't believe it.

It's the new math, Barbara Ann.

What time is Mr. Wonderful coming?

I can't hear you.

Mr. Wonderful!

What time is he coming?

Any minute.

Oh, God.

Daddy!

- I've missed you so much. -My baby.

You look marvelous.

And you look wonderful.

I almost forgot what you looked like.

Hello, Marie. How's the bunny business?

I'm not a bunny. I am a cocktail waitress.

And people who are two months behind in their alimony...

should at least try to be polite.

Listen...

we're going to have a wonderful time.

You shouldn't have stayed away so long.

I almost forgot what it was like to have a father.

Dad, we'll put your bib on.

Oh, baby!

There.

- Doesn't this look good? -Oh, yes.

You got the mustard.

- Here. -You want ketchup?

- Here. -Mustard.

- Here, you put the ketchup on mine. -There we go!

Isn't that good?

What about an onion ring?

Now, come on.

What are you doing?

I'm sorry.

You didn't taste some of this apple pandowdy.

- Here, have some. -No.

Best hot dog I ever tasted.

Soft.

Like down. What kind of color is that, baby?

Grape Yum-yum.

Look at this.

- Banana Beige. -Oh, no.

Would the young lady like to slip one on for size?

- Would you? -Would I? Yes.

- Daddy! -Yes, baby?

Lemon Meringue.

Pink Put-On.

Papaya Surprise.

Oh, God.

Look.

It's Periwinkle Pussycat.

Don't you just love it?

- Which one do you like best? -I love them all!

Daddy, don't.

I'm flunking out of school, and all because of Plant Skills.

I am not going to muck around in a pile of manure for anybody.

I just won't do it, that's all.

I've got an idea.

Why don't you go for that job as Emmett's secretary?

I can't type.

Go see him.

And while you're there, casually mention...

-your trouble with Plant Skills. -No.

Has Mollymauk ever been wrong? No.

Wear one of your cashmere sweaters. Something like...

What's this?

It's Turquoise Trouble. Do you like it?

It reminds me.

I've got something I want to show you.

I got a new key today.

I'm curious, child. Why do you want to work for me?

- For one thing, I thought it might be fun. -Fun?

I suppose we do have some light moments during the day.

- Perhaps not enough. -You see, I could learn a lot, too.

You know that I get chills up my spine...

every time I hear your voice over the loudspeaker.

And I can just imagine what it would be like listening to you in person.

That's very flattering. What's this problem in Plant Skills?

It's Beverly. You see, he acts kind of funny.

The things he says and does.

Lovely sweater you're wearing, child. It looks so soft.

It is. You want to feel it?

- May I? -Go ahead.

- Incredible. -Yeah, I know.

It's Midnight A-Go-Go.

- Midnight A-Go-Go. -Yes.

And I have a different one for every day.

Really?

Listen, I don't want you to worry your pretty little head about Plant Skills.

Midnight A-Go-Go.

And you wouldn't believe it, I have another one.

- You know what it's called? -What?

Peach Put-Down.

- Peach Put-Down. -Yes!

Do you love it? Yes.

Listen, you report to work tomorrow, all right?

Yes.

Sorry.

This is what... This is your...

Microphone.

That you speak over?

I talk over that and the whole student body hears me...

all over the school.

Didn't have one of these back at dinky old Irving.

Here.

Midnight A-Go-Go.

Peach Put-Down.

Certain Oleander tribes wear bones and seashells in their noses.

Other ethnic groups regard the elongated neck...

as a sign of beauty and fertility.

And so they...

stretch the necks of their women with ropes and brass rings.

We, in the West, have something comparable...

in our own little beauty spot.

Historically, it was meant to call attention to a girl's best feature.

For instance...

if you want to call attention to your lips...

or to your eyes.

Either eye.

Either side of the mouth, for that matter.

What if you want to draw attention to your nose?

Girls, let's be serious now. Does everyone have a working spot?

How about here, Miss Schwartz?

Yes, that's very good. That's very French.

Frankly, Beverly, I've been re-evaluating your performance in Plant Skills.

There's been talk, Beverly, talk.

Do you think this material is too controversial for you?

Mr. Emmett, I don't understand. I've been teaching Botany for...

We call it Plant Skills for Life here at Consolidated, don't we, Mr. Beverly?

I've been teaching Plant Skills for Life for 30 years.

Yes, I know all that. Be quick, man. What unit are you currently programming?

Yesterday, for example, we covered the pistils and the stamen.

The what?

The fertilization of the flowers. It's very beautiful.

You know how the pistils give off the pollen...

and the stamen is the receptacle?

I show how it gets from one to the other, and--

Good Lord, man.

What kind of smut are you exposing these children to?

It's life, sir. I try to make it--

Don't burble to me about life, Beverly. Just keep the filth out of your classroom.

Good Lord. The stamens and the pistils.

Get your mind out of the gutter, man, out of the gutter!

Remember the image.

Parents must know that their daughters are as safe at Consolidated as they are...

in church.

The reading today is from the Book of Leviticus...

which I realize, when you first look at it, seems long...

confusing, and even boring.

Actually, all it ls, is a lot of rules and regulations...

drawn up by the Levites...

who are all descended from a fellow named Levi.

If it was written today, we might very well call it Mr. Levi's Book.

Will the owner of a Ford convertible, license number 3X271...

kindly move his car. He's double-parked.

Now then, you'll find Mr. Levi saying...

that the Lord sure as shooting does answer our prayers.

Of course, he does this answering in his own way.

Now that's what puzzles people, and even sends some weak minds...

off into atheism and nervous breakdowns.

The Lord is always listening...

but suppose you ask for a promotion and a raise on your job...

and the Lord knows you'd really be better in anotherjob...

does he give you that raise? No.

As a matter of fact, he probably gets you fired, so you're forced to think...

and seek work more suitable to your capacities.

The answer is so obvious.

Prayers are answered, because whatever happens...

that's the answer.

You know, it sounds so simple when Phil explains everything.

You know, he and his wife, that's Butch...

have this discussion group for girls every Thursday night...

and you just wouldn't believe...

And now, in closing, a thought for the week:

Harping all the time does not make you an angel.

All right now, gang, for this evening's discussion...

we're going to kick around the subject of petting.

When a girl pets, certain physical reactions set in.

Perhaps you've noticed on your dates.

Now, the signs you should watch for on a date are these:

First: Your breathing may become harsh and rapid.

Your pulse tends to become faster and more irregular.

Your heart begins to pound, and quite possibly...

your hands may begin to perspire freely.

And believe it or not, the same thing holds true for boys.

Bob, here, will back me up on this.

For those of you who haven't met him, this is Sally Grace's cousin, Bob.

He's down from college where he's taking a degree in...

- Marriage counseling. -Yes, marriage counseling.

A very useful and worthwhile profession.

In any case, Bob's very kindly agreed to sit in with us tonight...

give us the benefit of his thinking.

I'm very happy to, Phil. I'm very happy to be aboard.

Now let me see, where was I?

You were talking about physical reactions, Phil.

Yes, Sally, thank you.

Now, you must not be alarmed by these symptoms.

This is simply nature's way of telling you to put the brakes on...

shut the motor off.

Yes, let the engine cool down for a while.

Before you start it up again.

Thank you, Sally.

I think maybe this is as good a time as any to wrap it up for tonight.

Now, next Tuesday night we'll talk about...

heading down the home stretch.

Cover things like "The Christian Attitude Toward the Automobile."

"Knowing How and When to Say No Without Actually Offending."

And finally, if time permits, "ls It Love or ls It Sex?

"Six Sure-fire Ways to Tell the Difference."

Some of us won't be here next week, Phil. We're going to Balboa.

Everybody goes the first week of vacation. Everybody.

Bob's chaperoning a whole bunch of us.

You ought to try and make it down, Barbara Ann, if you possibly can.

I don't know, I have so many commitments.

Do try and make it, Barbara Ann.

I'll see to it personally that you're chaperoned every minute of the time.

I'm bored.

Did you hear me? I'm bored.

Everybody's going to Balboa but me, and I just feel dumb staying here.

Dumb.

When do you want to leave?

Are you serious? We can really go?

It could be arranged.

A friend of mine has a house. I've got the key.

That's marvelous.

Fifteen beach pictures I've made.

This is the first time I've ever been to a beach.

Damnedest sight I ever saw in my life.

However... Title, we need a title.

Bikini Vampire. I Was a Teenage Bikini Vampire.

I Married a Teenage Bikini Vampire.

I Married a Teenage Bikini Vampire...

on Some Kind of a Fish.

Harry, teenage vampires are a big drag.

Oh, my God, that's the only copy.

I forgot I can't swim.

Harry, you're such a drag.

Wait a minute.

Come here. I'll help you.

Never mind me. Get the script.

- No, you're gonna drown. -Get the script.

I happen to think that The Thing That Ate Bikini Beach...

is one of the 10 greatest movies ever made...

and not just because you produced it.

- Wrote and produced it. -I saw it five times.

Personally, I thought it was a big drag.

I've always dreamed of having a movie career.

My mother named me after two movie stars...

Barbara Stanwyck and Ann Sheridan.

You probably recognize Kitten here from Cold War Bikini.

Another of the 10 greatest.

Problem is, she's been overexposed.

That's why we're kicking her upstairs, into older sister parts.

Harry, you're such a drag.

The beach picture game is hell, Musgrave. Pure hell.

One long, unending search for new faces.

Harry, you're such a drip.

It'll be all right.

- You ever done any acting, honey? -Not professionally...

but I was an angel in a Christmas pageant.

- First Angel, actually. -First Angel?

Yes, I had two lines, too. "Hark, hark," I said.

What a drag.

The tales she could tell if she could speak.

Pour another lollipop into her, Musgrave.

I experienced a moment of truth out there in the water.

Your whole life flashed before my eyes.

Suddenly, I saw it all with crystal clarity:

"T. Harrison Belmont presents Barbara Ann."

- What was that name again, honey? -Greene, Harry. Barbara Ann Greene.

Did I tell you I was named after Barbara Stanwyck and--

"T. Harrison Belmont presents Barbara Ann Stanwyck...

“in Bikini Countdown.“

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six...

five, four, three, two, one.

Oh, my God, that's the only copy.

I got it.

Go, babe, go.

Frankly, Alan, T. Harrison Belmont may be a great producer...

-but do you know... -Writer-producer.

...I think he drinks to excess.

I mean, he just can't seem to hold on to anything.

Throwing that script into the ocean three different times.

That's not normal. He has no grasp.

I do not care about T. Harrison Belmont's prehensile ability...

character references, or drinking habits.

He makes motion pictures. Come on, let's dance. Come on.

Have you any idea if this is being properly chaperoned?

I do try.

- How are you? -I was afraid you weren't going to make it.

I've been looking all over for you.

Bob, I want you to meet Alan. This is Bob.

- Very happy to meet you. -it's my pleasure.

We met in church.

- Are you alone, Barbara Ann? -No. Actually, I came with Alan.

I drive people here and there, but it doesn't count.

5°. baby, go!

- Those kids are just begging for trouble. -I know. I feel safer now.

Cold?

Don't.

Don't, Bob.

I can hear your heart beating, Barbara Ann. Lub-a-dub.

That's danger signal number one.

And your hands are perspiring. That's danger signal number two.

And your pulse is just running away.

This beach is potential dynamite, Barbara Ann.

It's hard to put on the old brakes and cool off the engine.

Goodness gracious!

My God, that's Sally Grace. She's unescorted and I'm responsible.

I've got to get back there. Look, I'll see you in the morning, okay?

I can hear your heart beating, Barbara Ann. Lub-a-dub.

That's danger signal number one.

And your hands are perspiring. That's danger signal number two.

The dialogue is very thin.

And your pulse is just running away.

This beach is potential dynamite, Barbara Ann.

Alan, how long have you been up there?

- Give. You give that thing to me! -No!

Be quiet. Just getting to the good part.

My God, that's Sally Grace. She's unescorted and I'm responsible.

I've got to get back there. Look, I'll see you in the morning, okay?

All right, be mad.

I'm not mad. I think it's funny.

You and that toy person. How could I be mad?

Old St. Bernard, or whatever his name is. He's not real.

He's like a toy they manufacture. Like one of the Ken and Barbie dolls.

Yeah, you dress them, undress them, buy them clothes...

and you wind them up and their little hearts go lub-a-dub...

but they're not real.

Alan, I don't care what you say. I think he's beautiful.

And not only that, I want him.

Okay.

Like the sweaters, like this vacation?

You just tell Mollymauk what you want...

Mollymauk will get it for you.

We have a deal, remember?

You signed in concrete.

You're hypnotizing me again, aren't you?

Of course.

I don't understand. What do you get out of it?

I think of things.

Bobby Bear, it's so big.

And you can just kind of see right through it.

Listen. Cute, isn't it?

- Mother's idea. It's done electronically. -No.

Yes. After Dad's ship came in, Mother sold our old house in Pasadena...

-and she built this one. It's nice, isn't it? -Yes.

- Dad was a psychiatrist, you know. -No, I didn't know that.

What kept you? I dropped Sally Grace off hours ago.

Which is not easy, by the way.

Bob, your mother wants to talk to you.

She's waiting in the conversation pit.

-It's right there. -I know. I live here.

I want to talk to you for a minute.

What are you doing here?

It is a little moderne for my taste, but I think I'll get used to it.

- What? -I told you. I stay with people.

- Stella's asked me to move in. -Who is Stella?

Mrs. Barnard. Bob's mother. She is a wonderful old girl.

She's invited me to stay, which is of course, actually very convenient...

because it keeps me close to the heart of things.

Lub-a-dub.

If you do that again, I'm not going to talk to you ever again.

Shall we join the others?

Here she is.

Mother, may I present Barbara Ann Greene?

- Barbara Ann? -Yes?

This is Mother.

It's a great pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Barnard.

Bob's done nothing but rave about you all the way from Balboa.

Pay no attention to anything he says.

My son is a dear boy, he's also a total idiot.

- Takes after his late father. -Yes, he told me. He was a psychiatrist.

Yes, but with a gimmick.

He was the first head shrinker in Beverly Hills...

to validate parking tickets.

You can't imagine what a simple thing like that can mean, business-wise.

- Tell me, Miss Greene, you dye your hair? -No, of course not.

I guess I'm pretty lucky, actually, because I was...

- You should. -...born with naturally blonde hair.

I do. Right here at home. My son helps me.

He puts the goop on the back with a toothbrush.

Not very well, of course.

The dear boy is all thumbs, just like his poor father.

4:00. Time for your yogurt, Stell. Yours, too, Robbie.

Thank you, Alan dear.

Robbie and I always have our yogurt every morning at 11:00...

every afternoon at 4:00.

Alan, I'm so glad you decided to move in with me.

What with Robbie off at college, Sally Grace coming and going.

Sally Grace is very active.

It'll be a comfort to have a man around the house again.

I buried my husband 10 years ago.

He died at home.

Right there. Right on that spot you're sitting on.

I'm telling you, one minute he's sitting there...

Robbie and I are combing my hair at the time...

next minute he's gone.

How awful. How did he die?

All psychosomatic.

Absolutely nothing wrong with him physically.

A case of death wish, pure and simple.

Everything, Miss Greene, everything, it's in the mind.

You decide to die, then you do it.

That's all there is to it.

- My father is no longer with us, either. -Sad.

I was very, very young at the time.

Your poor mother. What does she do?

Marie? That's my mother. She...

It's hard to explain, actually. She...

That's a phone. That's a gold phone.

Marie is a wonderful woman. Just wonderful, Stell.

A simple housewife by day, she devotes her evenings to serving others.

You little doll, you.

You know, I feel kind of guilty about lying to Mother...

telling her we were going to go to the movies.

That's all right.

I don't know why you told her we were seeing The Ten Commandments, though.

It hasn't been playing for years.

It just sort of popped into my head. It sounded so respectable.

- Yes. -Hey.

What?

Golly Moses, what if she asks me what it's about? I've never seen it.

I haven't seen it, but I read the book.

And basically the idea is, "Thou shalt not."

Thou shalt not.

What if...

Golly Moses, we better check for hairpins.

- Mother would have a fit if she found one. -Don't be ridiculous.

What?

Exactly what does it mean to be pinned?

Pinned?

In the sense that terrible girl just used the word.

She said, if I recall correctly...

Robbie had just pinned her.

I think that means being engaged to be engaged.

A case of self-destruction, pure and simple.

And if Robbie's determined to throw his life away...

I suppose there's nothing we can do?

Ace, it's 4:00.

I'm afraid that we are a little beyond yogurt today.

What's in this, Alan?

Ace, that's something to remove the sting.

It's called a stinger.

Yeah.

Of course. I love you, too, Bobby Bear.

You know, I had a dream about us last night.

I dreamt that we were still parked in that car, you know...

Wait, just a minute.

I'm sorry. I didn't know it was a personal call.

- Who was that? -Nobody, just the janitor.

Listen, anyway, we were still parked...

and your mother found a hairpin.

And I woke up screaming. Yes.

Who's that?

- Hi. -Hi.

- How was school? -Dull as ever.

Bob called, twice.

- Collect? -No, from a pay phone.

He just kept clunking in quarters and dimes.

That is a good sign.

Except I have to pay a social call...

on Mrs. Barnard tomorrow.

You want to come with me?

I don't know, sweetie. She sounds kind of spooky to me.

Besides, maybe I better wait until I get a touchup.

Yeah.

This is not a good day for me.

As a matter of fact, the good days get fewer and fewer.

Do you think I sleep wrong? I mean, was my face in the pillow?

I read in a magazine where Cary Grant sleeps on his back.

- Yeah? -And I always sleep on my face...

and I wake up all "eeugh" in the morning.

- I don't know. -This is supposed to help.

What are you doing?

It's an isometric exercise.

It's called "the silent scream."

It's good for the chin.

Cary Grant does it 15 minutes every morning...

and 15 minutes every night.

Come in, it's open.

- The Greene residence? -That's right. What is it you want?

What do you want? Would you make it snappy? I'm late for work.

I tried to telephone, but there was no answer.

I sleep days. I shut the damn thing off.

How self-destructive of you.

Look, honey, are you pushing encyclopedias or what?

- This is the Barbara Ann Greene residence? -Yes, it is.

Of course. It's exactly the way I imagined it.

Perhaps even more so. My poor Robbie.

"Each man kills the thing he loves," et cetera.

Death wish, pure and simple.

Sins of the fathers, as it were.

I get it. It's those sweaters.

You're not gonna stick us for them...

because Howie Baby has got checks bouncing from here all the way to Oxnard.

Who, pray tell, is Howie Baby?

Barbara Ann's father, Mr. Wonderful.

The square who got all guilty at lunch and bought your 13 fancy sweaters.

- Hello. -I begged you to take those sweaters back.

Your father isn't dead?

Are you kidding? All you have to do is keep after him...

-like I do about the alimony. -I can explain all this.

Baby, look, will you just let me handle this? I've been through this scene before.

I take it then, Mrs. Greene, you and this Howie Baby are divorced?

I was the injured party.

Listen, all that crap he tried to pull at the trial...

about me and Sy Cleavinger was a fake.

Sy and I were just good friends, that's all.

Marie?

This is Mrs. Barnard.

Bob's mother.

Alan told me you devoted your evenings to serving others.

Is that a tail? Now I understand what he meant.

- My mother is a cocktail waitress. -You lied to me, Miss Greene.

You permitted me to believe your father was dead.

They're divorced.

In our family, we don't divorce our men, we bury them.

I guess I blew that one for you, didn't I, baby?

You're gonna be late for work.

I'll call in sick.

Why don't you put your tail on after you get to work?

You really are ashamed of me, aren't you?

Your mother is a prostitute.

- My mother is a cocktail waitress. -Barbara Ann, what difference is there?

- Look, forget all this. -What?

My mother is so upset. I want the pin back. Now, give me that pin.

Howard?

I am very upset and I don't...

Howard, I don't have anybody else to talk to.

If you don't get down here tonight, I'm afraid something bad will happen.

Howard, please don't hang up.

Put your legs down.

I will not put my legs down. I never put anything or anybody down.

- You look like a fool! -Especially not my legs.

I like to make a fool of myself.

- You do? I'm taking you home. -You want your pin back?

Listen to me. Will you listen to me?

I need to talk to somebody.

I'm 40 years old.

No, that's a lie, I'm 41.

I'll be 42 in September.

I'm an old...

I'm an old bag.

I would be better off dead.

Dead!

The time is 11:01...

and 10 seconds.

The time is 11:01...

and 20 seconds.

The time is 11:01...

and 30 seconds.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven

All good little girls go to heaven

Not you, baby. No.

Here, take your stupid pin...

and just pin it on your mother because it doesn't mean anything.

And you don't mean anything, and the car doesn't mean anything...

-and nothing means anything. -Barbara Ann, what are you doing?

You want to play a game?

Come on, we're gonna play undress in front of Mommy's house.

-It's a lot of fun. -No. What you doing?

- Come on, now. -Barbara Ann, now just stop it.

- You gotta play it. -What are you...

- Would you stop-- -Would you help me unzip this?

- You're pretty strong, aren't you? -No, I'm not... Just stop that!

You don't know what you're missing.

Barbara Ann, now look, just get back!

Just get back in this car!

Get back! Let's talk this out.

What in the hell are you doing here?

- Barbara Ann, drink this. -I don't want to drink that.

- Please, drink it. -No, I won't please drink that.

Everyone thinks that Marie is a prostitute now.

- A prostitute. -Will you please drink this?

I won't drink it. I don't want it. Do you understand? I don't want it!

What do you want from me? I'll be a cocktail waitress like Marie.

No, the hell I will.

I'll do something else.

I'll be a prostitute. That's what I'll be.

You get to pick your customers...

and you get paid for it.

That sounds like a lot of fun.

Doesn't it?

- I'll be a prostitute. - Barbara Ann.

Yes?

There's been an accident.

There has been an accident.

Where is Marie?

Now, don't touch anything.

Insurance. It has to look like an accident.

- I'll take care of everything. - She's not dead.

That's what Mollymauk is for.

All this requires are a few signatures here...

-and here and here again at the bottom. -I don't want to read it now.

There's nothing to read, baby, just some forms to sign.

It's okay now, baby, Dad's here.

- Whose idea was this? -What?

A crummy $300 funeral?

It's cheaper if the mortuary and the cemetery are in the same place.

But Marie wanted a pink stone cupid.

Be practical, baby.

- We can get her a nice plain stone. -She always wanted a pink cupid.

- Be practical, baby. The insurance. -Shut up, Howard!

I'm going to bury Marie the way she wanted to be buried...

and that's with a pink cupid.

Marie's tragic death...

did indeed, among other things...

restore my faith in suicide.

In addition, the chief stumbling block to romance...

now being removed...

it brought our young lovers together.

Go ahead, baby, cut the cake.

And the honeymoon... Well, now...

I made reservations for them...

at the fabulous Honeymoon Motel in Inglewood.

Featuring Mr. and Mrs. Cottages...

with sunken showers, wall-to-wall carpeting...

air conditioning, television...

and His and Hers powder rooms.

Plus a sleepyhead breakfast...

for sleepyhead lovers...

tucked happily away in their canopy bed.

My goodness!

Stop.

Hello?

Oh, God.

Will you turn my pillow?

- Robbie, this side's getting warm again. -Sure.

I've had a pretty sick little girl on my hands.

- Come along, Stella, up we go. -Yes. Listen to me.

I'm telling you...

I don't know what I'd have done if Alan hadn't been here.

Mother, look, we'll stay here, of course...

until you're better, won't we, Barbara Ann?

Yeah, we can go to Disneyland anytime.

I've had the room next door prepared for you.

Thanks, Al.

Shape up, Ace, it's only a hangover.

- Yeah. -Here you are.

Now look, don't worry, because when it gets dark...

you can push both beds together. See?

It will work, it really will.

- That's mother. She wants something. -She can get it later.

Don't move a muscle.

Old Stella's just off her feed. I know just what to give her.

Hold on, Tiger, I'm coming!

Come on!

Don't worry, it will work. It really will.

Of course, we'll have to keep the cost under $1 million.

Well under that figure, say, $850,000.

I'm going to New York to buy some new money.

Flying out tonight.

Thank you.

The minute I get back, we'll get some film on her.

I promise you that.

In the meantime, Musgrave, keep her on ice.

Whatever you say, H.B.

I'm calling from the studio, Barbara Ann.

Now, Harry is flying out to New York tonight.

But when he comes back, he wants to make a test.

A screen test.

Alan, I'm so excited.

wonder what Bobby Bear will say.

No. Nobody's gonna test my wife.

- You don't understand. -Yes, I do.

Just listen, Barbara Ann!

You promised to love, honor, and obey me.

Listen, I may have been a little hysterical at the ceremony...

but I never said anything as dumb as that.

- If your mother doesn't just stop that-- -Now, you look here, Barbara Ann.

You struck me. That's grounds for a divorce.

I have been absolutely miserable ever since I got married...

and it's all your fault. You've made a mess of my life.

- What? -Will you turn that thing off?

I said that you've made a mess of my life. Do you understand that?

I do not understand that. I've given you everything that you wanted.

The sweaters, Balboa, Bob...

All right, I was wrong then.

- About the screen test? -No, about Bob.

He won't even let me have a screen test.

What is it that you want, Barbara Ann?

Just tell Mollymauk.

I want out. I want a divorce.

"In our family...

"we don't divorce our men.

"We bury them."

He struck me.

Anyway, he grabbed me.

Is this where it hurts?

Mrs. L.K. writes:

"Each morning, when my husband leaves for the office...

"he kisses me on the forehead.

"How can I get him to kiss me on the lips?"

Wear high heels.

"Wear high heels"?

Alan, that's funny. That's what Dear Abby says.

You know, Bob, if you are going to marriage counsel at home today...

I think I'd better put a little stab into Stell Baby's brunch.

Wear high heels.

You'd better take yours straight.

Clean mind in a sound body.

Personally, I've always thought that a dirty mind in a sound body...

is even more rewarding.

I just can't see how wearing high heels...

is gonna make Mrs. L.K.'s husband kiss her on the lips...

instead of the forehead.

And frankly, I think it's rather irresponsible of Dear Abby...

going around making snap judgments about important psychological matters...

on the basis of what is obviously insufficient information.

Now, I think you need a little help with your goober, too.

- What's that, Alan? -The juice of a few flowers.

- Counsel well. -Thanks, Al.

All the symptoms of belladonna poisoning.

- Classic, in fact. -Belladonna?

Also known as nightshade poisoning. It rarely causes death, however.

- I'd always heard it was fatal. -Old wives' tale.

Back to the old drawing board.

When he was just a little boy...

he ate a whole plate of mole poison.

That was when I first suspected a psycho-suicidal pattern.

In his present condition, the slightest thing could set it off.

Unhappy marriage, on-the-job tensions...

This boy must be watched, and watched carefully.

Are you sure that you're well enough to drive?

Of course, Alan.

Everything seems to be falling apart.

Bob, our whole economy depends upon built-in obsolescence.

By the way, what's your final position on the screen test?

Over my dead body!

If you say so.

And now, as a special anniversary offer...

Honest Joe will give you $500 in cash...

for any car that you can drive in here under its own power.

I've seen some wrecks in my time, but...

Honest Joe is Honest Joe.

The offer still stands. $500 in cash.

We must take turns watching this boy, 24 hours a day.

We must do our best to keep one step ahead of him.

Anticipate his every move.

In its terminal stages...

a psycho-suicidal personality turns crafty.

Wisdom gives way to naked animal cunning.

Bob Barnard's an absolute schlub.

Has a heart that goes lub-a-dub

Too stupid to die?

I decided to try...

to beat him to death...

with a club.

Very good. I like it very much.

Or...

some equally accurate...

hand-drawn facsimile.

Allow me to assist you, madame.

I have taken the liberty of selecting a wine for dinner.

It is very dry, with just a hint of bouquet.

But I do believe that you will all enjoy...

its impudent artlessness.

Don't jump the gun, Ace. Now, let's do this right.

That's great, Al.

Now.

I'm giving this little dinner party in honor of me.

I've been chosen Valedictorian of Consolidated.

I want you all to come and hear me make my speech.

Those of you who can make it, of course.

Al, congratulations.

We can't all be dropouts, can we?

And now...

for the piéce de résistance.

If this doesn't boil your milk, nothing will.

- Madame. -Hungry as a bee.

- Monsieur. -it smells great, Alan.

Wait a minute, Alan. This is a big day for us, too.

Barbara Ann and I have been married for a whole month.

So I propose a toast.

To us, Barbara Ann.

Till death do us part.

Till death, Bobby Bear.

I'll drink to that.

Milton, it's the hot line!

The kvetch? The kvetch again?

It's the kvetch.

This boy has the constitution of a horse.

Nine lives.

May I say he's rapidly using them up?

This time, by any chance, did he leave a note?

Wouldn't matter.

My son is a product of the California school system.

Couldn't write a simple English sentence if his life depended on it.

You notice a faint aroma of burnt almonds?

Mushrooms.

Arsenic, you fools, arsenic.

The boy has a mind like a steel trap. He's outwitted us again.

Al, this is very grand of you to bring me here like this today.

It's going to be a great speech...

and I wouldn't miss this for the world.

Thank you for bringing me out here.

I know what kind of a burden I am.

My leg in a cast...

and it's grand of you to bring me here like this, Al.

I'm sorry I'm such a burden.

But I can't help it. I hurt my leg.

And thanks for bringing me...

Al, what are you doing on that big machine?

Golly Moses, Al, what big teeth it has.

All the better to eat you with, my dear.

Al, I told you I know I'm a burden, but...

He must be very excited about his speech. Have I said anything to offend Alan?

Alan, have I said anything to offend you?

Weldon Emmett here, E-M-M-E-T-T.

As I look over your tender, eager faces...

I'm reminded of a dream.

A dream I had on the very opening day of the year.

Alan, those teeth are coming very close.

This is the day we've all been waiting for.

The magic moment has arrived.

We've broken in a new school this year...

scratched the surface.

Alan! What's he doing?

He could be seriously injured!

Alan, did I say something to offend you?

Alan, you stop this, or I won't give you a diploma.

Now you take that machine right back to the Plant Skills lab.

Hi, gang!

Don't worry, some day we'll look back on this and have a good laugh.

How did we fail you?

No.

Of course, even now, I'm sure you still don't understand.

And perhaps, because you all must go on living...

day after painful day...

it would be kinder if I would invent an answer...

that would not entirely unsettle your tiny minds.

Listen to that.

The beating of my foolish...

telltale heart.

Of course...

O nation of brainwashed television viewers...

who worship graven images...

in the shape of family-size tins of spray-on deodorant...

you have guessed it, I did it for love. L-O-V-E!

Love.

I did it for you...

Barbara Ann.

You wanted so much.

Sweaters, vacations...

marriage...

and finally, fame.

And I got you everything you wanted.

And if this doesn't make you famous, nothing will.

- Harry, I can't do it. -Darling, you look lovely.

- They're all watching. -Are you sure?

- But look at my hair. It's a mess. -You are a great and dazzling beauty.

I've brought you to this moment. This way, watch your step.

- But are you sure? My lips... -Your lips are glorious.

And my teeth are all right?

Here they all are now. Your teeth are lovely. Everything is glorious.

Now, darling, face your public.

You'll be great, darling.

Please, don't crowd in too much. Not now, please.

Now, darling, don't worry about a thing.

Your car's here, darling.

- Now, darling. -Yes.

Ladies and gentlemen...

the star of my newest and most important film.

T. Harrison Belmont presents...

Barbara Ann Greene as Bikini Widow!

No. Later, you'll have time to be with your public.

No, not now, darling.

No, darling.

- Get back. -There we are. Come, darling.

You poor bunny.