Original subtitles

(mumbling)

Subtitles by explosiveskull

(chimes)

(sighs)

(dings)

(dings)

(dings)

(dings)

(rings)

Too late, called you first.

Whoa.

Whoa?

What do you mean, whoa?

Nothing.

I meant, nothing.

You said "whoa" when you answered my call.

I just, I didn't realize, you just look super different.

I hope that's a good thing.

Yeah, I mean, you're totally...

You grew up too.

What grade are you in?

[Madison] I'm in your grade, duh.

Right.

[Madison] How'd you find me?

I was just looking through...

Are you stalking me?

No, no, no, no, I wasn't, I wasn't.

I was just kidding!

T, come on, let's skip the awkwardness.

What's your deal?

My deal?

Yeah, what's your deal?

Well, I guess I'm still stuck in Michigan,

I hate school, and my parents suck.

That's true for like everybody.

Not everybody lives in Michigan.

Har har.

So you still like comic books?

Oh.

Yeah, I guess I do.

That's awesome.

No, it is.

I'm in choir.

They wanted me to join the school musical

but you'd have to be there like every night

and I'm way too busy, so.

My school's doing this Bye Bye Birdie year.

I was gonna audition but then...

(laughs)

What are you doing tonight?

Nothing.

Just probably playing video games.

Nothing?

It's a Saturday night,

you're not going out with your friends?

I would, but they just couldn't tonight.

Come on, T, shake it up.

You gotta live a little.

Yeah.

I usually...

Hey, T, you know what, I gotta go.

My friend's gonna be here in like a minute

and if I don't get downstairs, my dad's gonna get to her

and he gets all weird and flirty, so...

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Can we talk again sometime?

I don't know, I've got a killer schedule.

Okay, totally.

You know, I was just thinking...

Hey, T, you know what?

She's actually here, I gotta go.

Bye.

Bye.

(sighs)

(rings)

Teel!

Hi, Teel!

This is Sophie.

Oh, oh, no, Sophie, no.

We ignore Sophie right now.

No, don't ignore me!

Here, take a jello shot.

Stop, stop, no.

Okay, you drink it then.

No, Sophie, no.

They're non-alcoholic.

Okay, fine.

I promise!

Fine, okay.

I promise.

Okay, I'm putting this down.

I thought that you might be bored tonight

so I brought you to Becky's party.

Oh yeah.

Looks like fun.

(laughs)

What?

Seems fun.

Oh, we're gonna be here until, like, super late.

Okay, so here's the deal.

I've been flirting with Cole McCovey all night

but apparently he would rather play with Ella.

Ping pong, of all things.

What's ping pong?

What?

What's ping pong?

Like, ping pong, table tennis?

You know, the game?

Oh, you actually mean, like, ping pong.

Okay, so here's Cole.

Isn't he cute?

I guess.

And here's Ella.

(gags) I do not like her at all.

So I wanted Sophie's help with this

but she, as you can see, (laughs) is gone.

So I turn to you, okay?

See this guy over here?

His name is John Dixon

but we call him Dix because he literally is, you know,

with that.

Right.

So if I can get him to kiss me in front of Cole,

maybe I can make Cole jealous and have him want

to play ping pong with me.

What do you think?

It doesn't sound like the best...

I'll take that as a yes.

Okay, just wait here.

Hey, Dix.

Don't call me that.

What you playing?

What are you playing?

Hey, I was just about to beat my high score!

Candy Crush.

High score?

Would you rather score on this or score with me?

I...

(kisses)

Whoa, hey.

You guys, why don't you get a room?

Hey, hey, horndog!

T!

Get the hell off of her!

You watching us, you little perv?

Hey!

Stop!

Oh, you are such a bitch!

Oh my god, oh my god!

Mad...

Mad.

(laughs)

Sophie!

Mad...

(screams)

(splashes)

Teel, hey!

Take a look!

(screams)

(throwing up)

(coughs)

(upbeat music)

(chair squeaking)

(crashes)

Come on!

♪ Your life is like Skyrim

♪ An endless quest of solitude

♪ Oh, you beat Angry Birds

♪ You're not a gamer 'cause you battle your friends

♪ With words

(dings)

(rings)

(sighs)

T, I was supposed to call you.

Are you okay?

Yeah, the party was insane.

That Dix guy is a dick.

Right?

Don't worry, my friends pushed him into the pool too

and he tried to dunk me, but I was on the swim team, so...

It was good because I had beer all over my shirt,

so I totally rinsed it out and Cole came out to watch.

I guess as long as Cole was there.

Isn't it like 4:30 your time?

Yeah, but I'm up, so whatever.

You're a night owl.

Don't you have a curfew?

(yawns) 11:30.

But my dad goes to bed at, like, 10, so.

He doesn't check up on you?

No.

He trusts me.

I'm totally trustworthy.

Yeah, I can see that.

T, it's a party.

It's all part of the fun, you gotta loosen up

if you want friends.

I have friends.

I have, like, tons of friends.

I'm just saying,

it doesn't seem like you go out that much.

No, my friends and I go out all the time,

they just couldn't tonight.

Okay.

Besides, you know, sometimes I like having a night

to myself every once in a while.

Sometimes it's nice to just decompress, do some gaming,

listen to some music.

(calm music)

Yeah, no, I get it.

I just...

Wait, I think I hear my dad.

Bye.

My dad took my phone.

What, why?

I'm grounded for two weeks.

He found out that I missed curfew.

How?

He came in here, like, at midnight

and I guess I wasn't in here, obviously.

WTF, this is my room.

That's a total invasion of privacy.

I don't want him in here touching my stuff,

sniffing through my underwear drawer.

Okay.

Wait, I thought he goes to bed at, like, 10.

Yeah, usually.

But lately he's all freaked out

because he's retiring in a few weeks.

He just roams the halls drinking nightcaps.

What's he freaked out for though?

'Cause isn't that good news?

You'd think.

But he, like, doesn't know what to do with himself now, so.

What about your mom?

My mom died seven years ago, so she's not much help.

Oh my god, I'm so sorry.

I didn't know.

Whatever.

I'm over it, but my dad needs to find a new hobby

because this is getting ridiculous.

Sugar free.

[Teel] Wait, if you're grounded,

then how are you talking to me?

Oh, he didn't take my computer.

He thinks I'm doing homework on it, which is you.

So I guess I'll be doing you every day after school.

Whoa.

Mind out of the gutter, little man.

You're the one who said it.

Girls are allowed to have their mind in the gutter.

It's sexy.

When guys do it, it's just, it's gross.

I wasn't aware of that rule.

Stick with me.

You'll learn.

[Teel's Mom] Hey, sweetie?

Hon, you've been up here quite a while.

You been playing video games?

What?

No, I'm talking to my friend Madison.

[Teel's Mom] Hon, please don't.

What?

I'm telling the truth!

You know what Dr. Thomas said about you making things up.

Hi, Mrs. Johnson!

Oh my, I'm sorry I didn't realize.

Madison Daniels, do you remember me?

I used to live down the street from you.

Madison, what a surprise.

Madison Daniels, of course I remember.

You didn't tell me you were talking to Madison Daniels.

Yeah, actually, Mom, I did.

Well, that's great, that is just great!

I won't interrupt you.

Nice to see you again.

You too, Mrs. Johnson.

Madison Daniels, huh.

See?

My parents suck.

She seems nice.

You have no idea.

You might think that your parents suck,

but that is just a teenage syndrome

that distorts your perception,

when in actual scientifical fact, they are perfectly legit.

Who says I'm being scientific about it?

No, I'm just saying, I need more proof

before I accept your assertion.

What are you, a lawyer?

I'm gonna be.

So pony up.

Okay.

My parents, every year, make me try out for sports,

even though I don't have any talent or inclination

or even the slightest interest in the jock arts.

Eh, wrong answer.

They're just trying to make sure that you're well-rounded.

Which is actually the distinctive trait

of a loving parent.

Last year, I auditioned, or tried out for the track team

and I deliberately ran as slow as I could

so that I would get cut from the team.

Totally reasonable.

Right, but then my mom read the school guidelines

and she discovered that technically the coach isn't allowed

to cut anybody from the team.

It's a little known secret.

So she forced him to let me run.

It was like a whole to-do at my school

and then finally we came up with this shoddy compromise

that kept me on the team as the mascot.

What's the mascot?

Oh no!

Yeah.

So now I'm at all the track meets,

which no one even goes to in the first place,

and I'm stuck wearing this ratty old costume

that hasn't seen the light of day since like 1992.

I think they just wanted me to kind of get involved

and make friends, but it really just made me a target

for the coach's kid who kept kicking me in the shins.

Okay, although misguided, it came out of concern

for your well-being.

They tried to get me to go out for football this year,

Mad, and I had to pretty convincingly sprain an ankle

to get out of that.

Yes, okay, all dads want their kids to play sports.

That's like a primal instinct from our hunter-gatherer days.

It's not my dad, it's my mom.

Unexpected.

Yeah, it's like she's on this mission

to keep me from becoming...

A dweeb?

Thanks.

You'll survive.

It gets worse.

Always.

You remember how I said I wanted to audition

for Bye Bye Birdie?

[Madison] You did?

Yeah, I told you that the first night we talked.

Yeah, yeah.

Bye Bye, yeah.

Right.

Well, I had to miss the auditions

because my mom decided we should take a spontaneous trip

to visit my grandma.

Thank you, Mom.

Family's important.

Yeah, but grandma didn't even want us to come.

So not only did she force us on grandma,

probably just to ruin the long weekend that she had planned

with her man that she's been seeing

who's like 15 years younger than her

and totally just wants her for her money,

but that we should butt out of

because it's grandma's only source of happiness right now.

But she also deliberately ruined any chance that I had

of being in the show.

I don't know, the jury's still out on this one.

And she took grandma's car away from her

because she's not allowed to drive anymore,

so now it's just sitting in our garage instead of hers.

(laughs) And you're complaining about what?

She just scored you a car!

Mad, I can't even drive it.

She won't let me get my license.

"My mom won't let me get my license."

No wonder you're grounded, you're mean.

Nuh uh.

And manipulative.

[Madison] What?

That poor Dix guy didn't know what he had coming.

[Madison] Uh, wow.

Where's all this animosity coming from?

I don't know, I'm just calling it as I see it.

Is this because I said you don't have any friends?

What?

No.

[Madison] 'Cause it's nothing to be ashamed of.

I'm not ashamed of it.

So you admit it!

No, I don't...

You are a devil woman.

(calm music)

What?

I'm gonna help you.

I don't need help.

[Madison] Fine, not help.

Coaching.

No, I don't want to be your project.

Okay, okay.

I'll be your friend.

What is this, second grade, Mad?

And as your friend, I'm gonna help you get more friends.

I cannot believe we're having this conversation.

Okay, who's your best friend?

I'm not answering that question.

Do you have a best friend?

Who are your friends?

Come on, Teel, just give me some names.

Do you have any friends?

No!

You don't have any friends?

No.

Not even people at school that you casually talk to?

Not really.

I mostly just try to look like I'm running late

so nobody realizes I don't have anybody to talk to.

Wow.

That's really sad.

Yeah.

Well, that's kind of why I wanted to try out

for Bye Bye Birdie,

because I thought I could at least fit in

with the theater geeks.

What about Facebook?

What about Facebook?

Do you have any friends on Facebook?

Are you not on Facebook?

[Teel] You mean Fakebook?

Okay, not everyone on Facebook is fake.

It's like, it's like Clark Kent.

How is it like Clark Kent?

Clark Kent has a secret identity and a public identity.

You need your public identity.

I just, I don't like where this is headed.

Okay, by the end of the year,

you're gonna have 150 Facebook friends.

That is a promise.

Come on, it'll be easy!

I think I'm gonna hurl.

You don't even have to talk to anyone face to face,

you just have to add them and that's it.

You need a Facebook profile page.

(fakes throwing up)

Okay, Madison, that is a great idea.

Thank you so much, yeah.

Yes, Madison, that is a great idea.

What is the worst that can happen?

I could find out nobody likes me.

How is that any different from right now?

Shut up.

[Madison] No, you shut up.

Talk to the hand.

So Sophie just told me that fricking Ella Wilson

is moving in on Cole.

So while I'm stuck here grounded,

she's flirting her ass off with him.

And I do mean her ass right off.

She's super slutty but it doesn't help that she's kinda hot

in like a trashy sort of way.

I mean, I can still flirt with him in Earth Science and Math

but she's in those classes too!

I do get Ella-free lunches though, Tuesday and Thursday,

because she goes to talk time with my dad.

Still.

Wait, with your dad?

Yeah, my dad's my school principal

and he's trying this whole "You can talk to me,

"I'm one of you" thing.

But really it's a bunch of desperate girls clamoring

for attention, it's disgusting.

I've forbidden Sophie from going.

Hey, Mad?

[Madison] What?

I made a Facebook page.

(screams) No you didn't!

Let me see.

(gasps) Oh!

Oh, you're a handsome devil.

[Teel] Very funny.

No, I'm serious, you're really cute

in, like, a Rhett and Link sort of way.

Yeah, well, there it is.

Another reminder that I have zero friends.

Uh-uh.

Not after you accept my friend request.

I don't know if I should accept requests

from just anybody.

[Madison] Har har.

Fine.

Accepted.

What do you think of my new profile pic?

Where's the rest of your skirt?

Hey, if you got it, flaunt it.

Hey, Facebook friends!

Blam!

That's amazing.

And I want to get Sophie to add you too,

so that'll make it nine.

They said it couldn't be done.

Wait.

What?

None of these friends go to your school!

I thought we went over that.

I don't have any friends at school,

so why would I friend them online?

Who's Parthoran?

(laughs) Is that his real name?

He's just a guy I met at the Akron Fanboy Expo.

[Madison] You talked to someone you didn't know?

It's way easier when you're wearing a costume.

[Madison] Well, what's his name?

He goes by Parthoran.

[Madison] Where does he live?

British Colombia.

Teel, don't you want friends from your own school?

Yeah, but you have to have at least some small reason

to friend them, right?

No.

People are friend whores.

I just don't know if I want to be that.

Will you just join this century?

Seriously.

What about other people from elementary school

that you used to be friends with but lost touch?

Maybe.

Such as?

Teel!

Sonny.

Sonny Denbrowski.

Sonny, there you go.

But he's like a jock boy tool now.

Beggars can't be choosers.

Cole joined choir!

Can you believe it?

Sophie and I have been working on him for weeks

and he finally caved.

I think we're gonna survive the Ella Wilson attacks.

She only has two classes with him now

and now I have four, including Health

and next week we're doing the unit on human sexuality,

so I can say a whole bunch of accidentally dirty comments

and get him in the right frame of mind.

Gross.

Oh, and I have Sophie running interference for me

while I'm grounded.

So her instructions are to interrupt all conversations

between Ella and Cole and to never, ever let them touch.

Which is gonna be quite a project

because Ella is super grabby.

Wait, when did you go to the beach?

I thought you were grounded.

Oh, no.

The internet doesn't need to know that I'm grounded.

These are old, from the summer.

Don't I look hot?

If you mean sweaty, then yeah.

That's my beach glow.

I'm not a slut.

[Teel] I didn't say that.

[Madison] Then why are you criticizing my pictures?

I'm not criticizing them.

First my skirt is too short

and now you think that I'm some sweaty whore?

You don't look like a...

Look, I can post whatever I want.

I don't need your opinion.

You asked me!

Yeah, learn to spot when a girl wants a compliment.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean it, I was just like...

You look hot.

You look totally hot.

You don't mean that.

Yeah, I do.

I just felt weird saying it to you because...

I don't know.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

[Teel] Are you sure?

I have to go.

Wait, Mad!

Did you friend Sonny?

Uh, hi, Madison.

Are you feeling better?

Yes, did you friend him?

Yeah.

Are we gonna talk about yesterday or?

Live in the now.

What happened?

He accepted my request.

(gasps) Your first Facebook friend at school.

Yeah, it's all very good

but it's not like it means anything.

[Madison] Why not?

Because he just sits there on a list.

So?

Then look at his feed.

Learn something about him.

Maybe you can start a conversation that way.

Maybe.

And you gotta post stuff too, okay?

You're in the game now.

No, Mad, I hate all that stuff!

It's all like "Oh, I'm playing my Xbox.

"Look at me play fast.

"Look at me play slow.

"Look at me play boring."

Okay, then we'll post something interesting

and somebody might be interested.

I doubt it.

T, sometimes it's just for you.

I talked to Sonny today.

Amazing!

Let's hear.

It's nothing.

We just had this biology test today

and he sits right behind me in class.

So I was like "You ready for the test?"

And he was like "Not even close."

And then we took the test.

Oh, okay, yeah.

Awesome.

Yay.

No girls.

What do you mean no girls?

I mean, no, I don't have my eye on any girls right now.

Not even your peripheral vision?

Look, I'm sorry...

The connection...

Failure...

Teel, come on!

You're telling me there's not a single pretty girl

at your school that you think about more than the others?

There are lots of pretty girls at my school, Mad,

but most of them are stuck up bitches

so I'm not really interested.

[Madison] But you're such a flirt!

I am not a flirt.

Yes, you are!

You flirt with me every single time we talk.

You're telling none of that raw charm is spent

on any other girl?

I think you think I live in a very different world

than I think I live in.

I think you think I think that.

[Teel] Shut up.

I'm just saying!

"I'm just saying."

Oh.

Oh, I see.

What?

No, it's cool.

I get it.

What?

Nothing, I just...

No need to say another word.

(laughs) What are you talking about?

I see who you're saving the good stuff for.

What?

What good stuff?

Seriously, what?

Screen tells me all I need to know.

He accused me of cheating.

Not like I was cheating off of someone else

because he knows I got like the best grade in the class,

but apparently the second half of Sonny's scantron

was, like, identical to mine.

So now Mr. Hanson thinks I was just holding up my test

so Sonny could look over my shoulder.

But why would I help him, Mad?

He's a macho jackass who I only friended

because you made me.

He just sat there the whole time with this, like,

tight shirt on and all the girls in the hallway

were creaming their pants.

T, I'm very sorry, but I've got a situation here.

Bigger than a cheating scandal?

Yeah, actually.

Two words.

Retardedment party.

Offensive much?

Just because he's retiring, the school board

and the booster club want to throw my dad a party.

Well, that's according to him.

So my dad thought "Oh, I can't use

"the school board's resources for nonessential purposes.

"Why doesn't my daughter throw the party?"

So now I'm stuck planning the party

that the school board wants to throw for my dad

and I have to do all this crap like invitations,

decorations, food, invitations.

You said invitations twice.

Not to mention the doppelganger cake.

Clarification please?

That's the exact replica of Mrs. Spiceman's cake

that I have to bake because hers will be

positively unpalatable and probably give everyone the runs

if it's anything like last year's.

(laughs)

T, don't laugh!

My dad's actually making me do this!

Can't you just ask her not to bake one?

No, she's like the school board's biggest donor

or something.

Truth comes out.

And now he's gonna be home all the time

and I'm gonna have to wife it up for him even more

than I already do.

That man can't, like, do anything for himself.

I'm gonna have to make his food and change his diaper

and god knows what else now that he doesn't have

an administrative assistant.

You're trying to win.

[Madison] What?

Yeah, you're trying to win the sucky parent contest.

Whatever.

You love planning parties.

Even mentally challenged parties for your dad.

I bet you're telling all your friends about this

and relishing every minute of extra attention

that you get for your suffering.

Okay, no, I'm not.

And also, by the way, if you enjoy the suffering

caused by your parents, then that negates the suckage

and instantly disqualifies you from the contest.

Okay, first of all, there is no contest.

And even if there was, trust me, I would win.

(doorbell rings)

Who's here?

It's Sonny.

Wait, Sonny?

The Sonny?

Yeah.

The hell is he doing here?

I don't know.

What are you waiting for?

Go!

T, go!

Okay, okay.

[Madison] T!

What, what?

Take me with you!

Okay, I'm bringing...

What do I say to him?

Jesus, T, it's like your first day as a human!

Well, I don't know what he wants.

He's the same guy you hung out with before.

No, he's not, not even close.

Let me see!

He's just standing there.

Wait, T, I lost the picture.

T!

Do I open the door?

Yes, open the door!

Okay.

Hey.

Sonny, what's up?

Hey.

Oh, he is scrumptious.

[Sonny] My mom said I should apologize to you for cheating

off you in class today.

T, I can't see.

What?

[Teel] I can't see why you'd feel like you'd have to.

It's totally cool, I understand.

Thanks for stopping by.

What are you doing?

What is that?

[Teel] Oh, it's nothing, I was just on the phone

with my friend and...

Hey, Sonny, I thought that was you.

Come in, come in, come in for a few minutes.

I could scoop you and Terrance some ice cream.

Like old times.

[Sonny] Sure, that sounds great.

Wait.

Who's Terrance?

(laughs)

Well, hello there, Terrance.

[Teel] Ha, very funny.

Why didn't you call me?

I wanted to know what happened!

[Teel] I don't know, I just didn't feel like it.

I texted you like six times.

[Teel] I noticed.

Well, I saw those mean posts on your Facebook.

I wanted to know what's going on.

Why is your camera not on?

[Teel] Must be broken.

Okay, that is the stupidest lie I've ever heard.

[Teel] Seriously, it must be like a bug or something.

Whatever, turn it on.

[Teel] Can we just talk like this today?

No, why?

[Teel] To keep up the mystery.

Shut up and turn it on.

[Teel] I can't.

Are you naked or something?

[Teel] No.

Then turn it on!

Or I'm hanging up.

[Teel] Wait, wait, please don't hang up.

T.

Okay, seriously, I got my life back today.

I am officially ungrounded and I may never talk to you again

so this might be your last chance.

[Teel] (sighs) Okay.

Oh my god.

T, what happened?

Nothing, I just fell.

On your face?

Repeatedly?

[Teel] I was playing some sports.

Some sports?

Yeah.

[Madison] T, did you get in a fight?

No.

[Madison] What else would make your face look like that?

A fight implies that I was an active participant.

[Madison] You got beat up?

By who?

Just a bunch of ass cavities.

[Madison] At your school?

Yeah.

Did you tell someone?

[Teel] No.

What did you tell your parents?

Could we talk about something else, please?

No, your face literally looks like a hamburger.

Mad, can we please talk about something else?

Okay.

Terrance.

And not that either.

I don't like it.

Come on, Terrance, I need to know your origin story.

Please?

I'm gonna keep calling you Terrance.

You're so annoying.

That's not very nice, Terrance.

Fine.

My dad started calling me Teel when I was a little kid

because I would always run around the house

wearing, like, a cape yelling "I'm the Man of Teel!"

I couldn't pronounce my Ss yet.

Oh!

Yeah, so now my mom is the only one who calls me Terrance

and I hate it.

My name is Teel and that's what you should call me.

I can't call you T anymore?

T is fine.

Okay, so I need to hurry because Cole's performing

at the school talent show tonight

and my dad's giving, like, his last speech as principal

or whatever.

He's all freaked out.

He just walked in on me while I was showering.

He couldn't wait 10 minutes to borrow my shaving cream?

I was all like "Dad, get out!"

And he's all like "Nothing I've never seen before."

Whatever.

I don't even care though because tonight I'm a free woman.

I am ungrounded!

Mad, I think you wear too much makeup.

That's not insulting.

No, no, don't freak out, please.

I just think you look better without makeup than with.

You've never seen me without makeup on!

[Teel] Actually, I have.

It was the accidental pool party?

That night?

Okay, so?

So I just think when you put on all that makeup,

it hides everything that's beautiful about your face.

T, I have to wear some.

No, no, I know.

I just think you should wear less.

So we see more of you.

T, you can't do this to me right now!

Cole's gonna be there!

I know, I know, that's why I'm telling you.

I was already freaking out about seeing him.

And now you drop this on me?

I know.

Just let me help you.

What do you mean?

Let me help you put on your makeup.

No!

[Teel] Just try it for one day and if you don't like it,

then you can go back to your old way.

What do you know about makeup?

My mom's a hairdresser who also does makeup,

so I've been watching her

since I was literally a little kid.

I can do this.

Fine.

Fine?

Fine!

Okay, good.

Now just look right into the camera

and I'll tell you what to do.

No, like right into the camera.

Okay!

Good.

T!

Okay, okay.

Start with powder.

Powder?

I don't have any foundation on.

[Teel] You don't need it.

Yes, I do.

I am way too pale.

No, you don't, your skin is like flawless,

it's the best feature of your face.

Plus, it's a good thing to be pale.

How?

You ever heard of Snow White?

You are such a nerd!

Trust me, less is more.

Good.

Now eyes.

Just a little shadow.

That's good, that's good.

Now mascara.

No, uh-uh.

I need eyeliner.

I have bug eyes.

Fine, fine, but it has to be the lightest brown you have.

Why would I use brown?

And it needs to be razor thin,

so we don't even know we're seeing it.

Good.

Good.

And mascara?

[Teel] Unless you want to skip it.

No.

(laughs)

Okay, that's plenty.

What color blush do you have?

I use this one.

No, that's way too orange for you.

You want your cheeks to look like apples.

What about the red one?

This one?

[Teel] Yeah.

So I can look like a whore?

(laughs) You won't look like a whore,

just don't put so much on.

You just brush it on really lightly, yeah.

(whines)

Good.

Now lips.

Not your usual red.

We're going regular lip gloss.

You are killing me.

Something shiny but without color.

Your lips are already perfect.

Yeah, that's great.

Now let me just look at you for a second.

(laughs)

Don't look at me like that, you're making me nervous!

Now I dare you to not look in the mirror for the whole day

and just notice how people react to you.

Okay.

You look beautiful.

Shut up.

T!

Forward to tonight's performances.

As many of you know...

[Madison] It's my dad.

I'll be retiring in a few weeks.

[Madison] Droning on.

[Madison's Father] You're thrilled, I know.

I've spent time getting to know each and every one of you.

[Madison] It's Cole.

[Madison's Father] That means you, Chad Mendez.

I've always told you (mumbles)...

♪ I'm basking in sunshine on a rainy Wednesday night

♪ Nothing's impossible when you're here

♪ I take a look out the window and you'll see

♪ How long is it gonna rain?

♪ I just smile

Oh my god.

Okay, okay, okay.

I'm gonna do it.

There she goes.

Cole?

You were, like, amazing.

Thanks.

These are for you.

You were amazing.

I just sang what I felt, you know?

Yeah, totally.

Yeah, totally.

Wow, flowers.

Yeah.

Well, you look, you know, like.

Thank you.

Hey, you know, it sucks that your dad's retiring

because he's like, he's the best.

Oh, no, that's 'cause he's not your dad.

But you know.

You still grounded and stuff?

No.

Well, my parents aren't home tonight

and I wanted to know if you wanted to come over.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I could make time, yeah.

Cool, I'll text you.

Okay.

Okay.

Bye.

(laughs)

T!

You are a genius!

Oh, easy now.

Okay, Mr. Fashion Consultant.

You have to help me choose what to wear to Cole's

for the big night.

You really think tonight's the big night?

Duh.

Didn't you hear that song?

It was totally about me.

We could do this shirt with jeans.

But then I'd have to wear a thong.

T, help!

What about the dress?

The dress?

The dress?

What am I, like 30?

At least try it on for me?

Okay.

Whoa, wait, whoa.

What are you doing?

A little shy, Mr. T?

No.

T, okay, when you have a girlfriend

and you're gonna want to have sex with her,

you're gonna have to see her naked.

Okay, well, for now can you please just go off screen

or something?

Okay.

But you don't know what you're missing!

(blows)

Wear that.

Really?

Yes, really.

It's ridiculously gorgeous, wear it.

I'm sorry, T, I'm gonna have to use my veto power here.

This shows more skin.

T, I can't believe this is happening.

Please be careful, Mad.

Okay, Dad.

Who else is here?

I hear music.

(knocks)

Mad, you made it!

[Madison] Hi.

Hi.

I guess it could have been worse.

(laughs) It was worse.

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah, I forgot, Cole and Sophie, they had sex.

With Sophie Sophie?

Are you effing kidding me?

How convenient, right?

Apparently after they dropped me off,

they went back to his house and had sex.

Big fat betrayal sex.

[Teel] How do you know?

Oh, it's all over Facebook.

And when I tried to talk to her about it,

she full on lies to my face.

You know, Mad, I think it's for the best.

How?

Because you don't want your first time

to be some hookup at a party.

It was not a hookup!

It was Cole.

And besides, it was not my, no.

What?

It wasn't what?

Your first time?

Madison, are you keeping secrets?

Madison!

(laughs) Oh.

How could you not tell me that?

Who did you have sex with?

I can't do this!

I can't do this!

I keep trying and I keep messing it up!

I'm sure they're fine.

No, they're not, they're not fine!

They're not fine, they have to be perfect!

My dad is gonna see them and they have to be perfect.

[Teel] He's not gonna mind.

No, it has to be perfect!

I'm starting over.

Hey, look, Mads.

Stop.

Let me see.

Let me see.

What?

It has a smudge right there!

It looks great.

No, they don't.

Mad, Cole's an idiot.

I can't imagine what he was thinking.

You're so much prettier than Sophie.

I'm not pretty.

You're right, you're not pretty, you're beautiful.

Shut up.

I mean it.

You're intelligent and beautiful...

You're an intelligent and beautiful girl.

Woman.

Woman, even, Mad.

You're an intelligent and beautiful woman who's fun

and funny and interesting and mysterious.

And beautiful.

You said that three times.

It was four.

By the way, I have 37 Facebook friends.

[Madison] That's great.

I have an audition this week.

You didn't tell me that.

It's not really a big deal.

[Madison] No spontaneous trips to grandma's house?

I found a way around that.

[Madison] How?

I'm not going to tell my mom.

What's the part?

Romeo.

That's a big part.

Sure you can handle that?

Well, you know, I memorized the speech

but I don't really know what else to do.

You show me.

No.

Oh yeah.

After my whole ordeal with Cole,

you don't think I deserve some entertainment?

Come on.

Fine.

You and your ways.

Okay, but for tonight's performance of Romeo and Juliet,

the role of Juliet will be played

by the lovely and talented Miss Madison Daniels.

Okay.

Oh, and I figure the scene is more funny than serious

because he's not like this big romantic,

he's just horny and wants to see Juliet's boobs.

Wow.

Okay.

Here goes.

(gasps) But soft!

What light through yonder window breaks?

It is the east and Juliet is the sun.

Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon

who is already sick and pale with grief

that thou her maid art far more fair than she!

Be not her maid, since she is envious!

Her vestal livery is but sick and green

and none but fools do wear it.

Cast it off!

It is my lady.

(sighs) It is my love!

(laughs)

See how she leans her cheek upon her hand.

Oh, but I were a glove upon that hand

that I might touch that cheek.

That's it.

So did it suck that bad?

No.

That didn't suck.

That didn't suck at all.

(rings)

It's late.

Why are you calling me?

Were you asleep?

Yeah.

Do you know what time it is?

Well, wake up, because I have something to show you.

I'm up, I just can't promise I'll stay up.

[Madison] I think I can keep you up.

We'll see.

We will see.

So, what?

T, don't rush me.

Mad, I'm really tired.

I want to go back to bed.

You wish.

You're being weird.

Good night.

No, T, wait, wait!

T, give me a sec.

I'm just gonna put my head down right here.

So I've been thinking.

I've been thinking a lot about what you said.

Whatever it was, it sure was brilliant.

How I shouldn't try to have sex with idiots,

especially Cole.

It's good to be idiot-free.

I agree.

I was also thinking about you.

I'm flattered.

I was thinking about you a lot.

And how you're not an idiot.

So...

This...

Is for you.

(slow music)

Uh, what are you doing?

Seriously, Mad.

Just enjoy it.

Do you like it?

Uh...

I'll take that as a yes.

Madison, don't.

Don't be a prude.

Mad, Mad, stop, seriously.

This is not, I'm not watching this!

I'm not watching.

Why not?

[Teel] Because it's weird and desperate.

Weird and desperate?

Yeah.

You're an ass!

What?

I'm trying to give you something!

My own personal internet porn?

Is that what this is?

Well, Mad, that's what it feels like.

So I disgust you.

No, no, you don't disgust me.

Then what?

We're friends and you wanna stay friends?

Well, yeah.

Fuck you.

Wait.

What?

(dings)

(dings)

(rings)

What?

I'm sorry.

Okay.

I'll hold onto that while I cry myself to sleep.

I mean it.

I didn't even know you liked me.

Yeah right.

Mad, I'm serious.

I figured you'd be out

chasing all the gorgeous popular guys.

T, you're gorgeous.

No, I'm not.

T, yes, you are.

And you're sweet.

And you actually listen to what I say.

What did you expect?

I don't know.

[Madison] First you internet stalk me,

then you have all these deep conversations with me,

then you're all like "You're beautiful and intelligent

"and Cole's an idiot."

He is an idiot.

Yeah, well, you are too.

Yeah, I guess I am.

Then why do I feel like the idiot?

Look, Mad, I've been driving around all night

trying to decide whether to tell you this.

Wait, driving?

My mom's afraid to practice with me,

so sometimes when I can't sleep, I take my grandma's car

around the neighborhood.

Rebel.

I don't really like girls.

I'm hanging up now.

No, no, wait, Mad, I mean it.

You don't get it.

I don't really like any girls that way.

Because...

Oh, crap.

I like boys.

What?

Yeah.

I think I might be, you know.

That's convenient.

Mad, I mean it.

You're the first person I've ever told.

Wait, really?

Really.

I've been wanting to tell you for like a really long time

but I didn't know when or how to bring it up.

Well, this was perfect timing.

I'm sorry.

Are you...

Are you sure?

I'm not really sure about anything.

Then how do you know?

Well, I mean, there aren't really girls

that I think about more than any others except for you.

But then I just think about, you know,

what we're going to talk about next time we see each other.

Not other stuff.

Do you think about other stuff with boys?

Yeah, kind of all the time.

Oh.

Like, you know.

Sonny.

Wait, him?

Yeah.

Him.

A lot.

I can see why.

Me and him used to be such good friends when we were kids.

But then we both changed so much

and he became really good at sports

and I became really good at watching him play sports.

(laughs)

T.

Is this why they beat you up?

Yeah.

Well, yes and no.

[Madison] What do you mean?

Well, it was because of Sonny.

Wait, he beat you up?

No, no, no, no, it was his friends.

[Madison] He didn't.

Well...

You remember when he came over to my house

after I helped him cheat?

You said you didn't.

[Teel] Yeah, that's what I said.

Okay.

Well, ice cream with my mom was perfectly awkward.

But then we started talking about this card game

that we used to play when we were kids, Magic?

And it turned out that he was still really bummed

about this card he traded me, like, years ago.

And so I told him that I still had it.

So we went up to my room and I gave it back to him.

And then we started looking at all the other cards

and kind of looking at each one

and reliving some of our old battles.

(laughs)

And then I honestly don't know how it happened

but there was this, like, tingly electric gravity

between us and it kept pulling us closer

and closer together.

And then suddenly we were kissing.

(gasps)

I know, I was, like, shocked too.

It was literally like every fantasy I ever had

was coming true in one simultaneous moment.

And so we kept kissing for like five minutes

and then, you know,

both of us getting more and more into it.

And then really suddenly, he pulled away.

Like super abruptly.

And he got out of there as fast as he could.

He didn't say anything to me as he was leaving,

but, Mad, for those five minutes, it was like magic.

T!

So what happened though?

He completely ignored me the next day at school,

so I tried texting him.

But he was just like "Who is this, how'd you get my number?"

So I mustered up the courage to go talk to him after school.

Well, I wasn't gonna show you this,

but whatever.

Here.

Hey, Mad, I know you're in school right now

but I wanted to show you my latest triumph.

I think I'm gonna go try to talk to Sonny again.

Wish me luck.

Hey.

Hey.

[Teel] So biology sucked today, huh?

Yeah.

Listen, I gotta go.

[Teel] I was actually wondering if maybe we could...

Hey, that that fag you were talking about?

Yeah.

I don't know what he wants, but he's not gonna find it here.

I think I know what he wants.

[Teel] Can we go somewhere and talk?

We have nothing to talk about.

[Teel] I just was...

Whoa!

Get away!

Get away, assbag.

[Teel] Get off of me!

That was a mistake.

[Teel] Get off!

Like that?

Oh, Sonny, Sonny, I want you so bad!

(laughs)

(crying)

T.

Yeah.

T, I can't believe they would do that.

Is this gonna be weird now?

[Madison] Us?

Yeah.

[Madison] No, T.

Yeah, it's gonna be totally weird.

This is why I didn't tell you for so long, Mad,

because I knew things would get all weird.

No.

No, they're not weird.

Yeah, well, if you say so.

T, I'm serious.

You gotta give me a break.

I just found out tonight while I was in my underwear.

(rings)

T, wake up.

I have an idea.

Don't you ever sleep?

What if you start a gay-straight alliance at your school?

No way.

I looked and there aren't any in your area.

You could connect to other gay kids at your school.

You could maybe even help them out.

Yeah, help them get the crap kicked out of them.

No, T, that's the whole point of GSA,

so that wouldn't happen.

I'm sorry, not interested.

T, you need support.

Look, I really appreciate what you're trying to do

but I'm not ready for that.

T, you can't just sit there and suffer.

All by yourself.

Yeah, I can.

[Madison] No, T, you need to tell someone.

I did.

No, someone other than me.

People need to know so that they can help you.

They're the ones who need help.

Fine.

Fine, then make them deal with you.

Mad, stop pushing me, okay?

I'm not pushing you.

I don't want to be your cause anymore.

You're not my cause, you're my friend.

Then stop friending me so hard.

T, just look at the website I'm sending to you.

You just posted that on my wall.

[Madison] So what?

So now everyone's gonna think I'm gay.

[Madison] No, T, it's just a link.

It's a link to a gay website, Mad!

It's for straight people too.

You don't, you don't send that to someone

unless you think they're gay!

You are gay.

Well, I'm sorry if I don't want to flaunt my sexuality

all over the internet like some people I know.

Why are you being such a jerk?

Because you just outed me to all my friends!

What friends, T?

You have like 78 acquaintances on Facebook

who don't even see your feed

because you don't post anything.

T.

(sighs)

(rings)

(slow music)

♪ It's been a while since I've been here

♪ It's a cold day in hell and

♪ I will be what you want me to be

♪ It's cold, it judges everyone

♪ Beautifully broken, just like everyone

♪ Let's never say goodbye

♪ Let's never say goodbye

♪ Here we are

♪ In this park, chasing stars

♪ Staring at the distance

♪ The distance

♪ Hold my hand, take a chance

♪ Forget your plans, just sit back and listen

♪ And listen

♪ All these moments that we share

♪ I wouldn't trade them for any reason

♪ Any reason

♪ Do you remember all the nights

♪ You'd stay awake to help me fight

♪ Your smile's all I need to survive

♪ As long as you're with me, I'm alright

♪ Let's never say goodbye

♪ Let's never say goodbye

♪ You and I, side by side

♪ Wasting time, laughing about the nether

Here we are at my dad's retirement party.

Wow, look at those amazing decorations.

Aren't they incredible?

Oh, but the cake.

Oh yeah, the cake, yummy.

I wonder who made it?

Shh, I won't tell if you don't.

Obviously, all these people are here

because of my expertly designed invitations.

Well, almost everybody.

I wish my friend Teel was here.

But we can't have it all now, can we?

(dings)

(dings)

(dings)

(rings)

Hey.

What's with the cards?

Okay.

It's alright.

There's a smudge on that one.

(laughs)

Mad, you don't need to be fixed.

Mad, really, it's alright.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You used to make me climb around the back

because supposedly the front was being guarded.

I'd get all these scratches all over my arms

from the bark.

(crying)

Me too.

Yeah, I know.

What do you mean?

(knocking)

[Madison's Father] Maddie, it's almost nine!

Okay, Daddy!

Wait, what are you talking about?

Keep watching what?

Madison.

Okay, I promise.

You're kinda starting to freak me out.

Madison.

Madison!

(crying)

(door creaks)

Stop.

Stop.

(crying)

Hi, I'd like to report a crime.

(rings)

You shouldn't have done that.

Are you okay?

What happened, did the cops come?

Did they arrest him?

Yeah, they came.

And my dad cleared things up.

It was all a misunderstanding.

What do you mean, cleared it up?

Didn't you tell them?

I told them that I made it up.

What?

T, I don't think we should be talking anymore, okay?

Madison, what the hell?

I have to be there for my dad right now.

He's going through a lot, so...

[Teel] No, no, Madison.

You need to do something.

Good luck with the show.

Wait, Madison!

Madison!

Alack, there lies more peril...

Alack, there lies more...

Alack, there lies more peril in thine eye...

(sighs)

(calm music)

(laughs)

Hey, sweetie.

Mom.

Sorry, knock knock.

You need a ride to rehearsal?

No, Karina and Sydney are picking me up.

Also I think everyone's going to go out afterwards,

so I might be home late.

You know, grandma's coming to your opening tomorrow.

Okay.

I'm very proud of you.

Mom, gotta run my lines.

Okay, I'm going.

(mumbles) Alack, there lies more peril in thine eye

than in 20 of their swords.

(sighs)

Obviously all these people are here

because of my expertly designed invitations.

Well, almost everybody.

I wish my friend Teel was here.

But...

I wish my friend Teel was here.

I wish my friend Teel was here.

But we can't have it all now, can we?

Hey, Mad!

Right now I am on the run.

I stole my grandma's car and a bunch of money

from my dad's sock drawer

and I told my director a whole story

about having, like, a dire family emergency

and he bought the whole thing.

It turns out I'm a pretty good actor.

(laughs) And now here I am on the road.

I know it's a little bit extreme,

but you're not taking my calls.

So California here I come.

Apparently there are nothing but trees in Illinois.

Oh, look, a field.

I guess that's the end of that...

Oh my god, a field!

Mad, if you don't pick up,

I'm gonna be forced to do something drastic.

(screams)

Oh man, it's so pretty.

Hey, Mad, really wish you would talk to me right now.

I'm trying to stay awake over here.

Nothing a caffeinated beverage can't fix.

(sighs)

(dings)

Oh, it's my mom.

She's probably freaking out.

I bet she's called the cops like three times.

This could be a very pointless trip.

19 messages from my mom, six from my dad.

And yes, they have called the cops,

so congratulations, Mad.

You've officially turned me into a fugitive.

Morning, Mad!

I hope you're seeing this.

I never knew it would be so beautiful.

(camera clicking)

(upbeat music)

Hey, Mad.

Just got here.

The GPS sent me on kind of a wild goose chase

and then I realized that you're on South Maple

and not North Maple, and those are very different addresses.

(rings)

Oh, you're calling me.

Guess where I am right now...

T, you shouldn't have come here!

Go home!

I figured you might say that, but...

My dad is right downstairs!

Don't worry, I'm coming around the back.

What are you doing?

[Teel] I'm coming up.

No!

T!

Oh my god.

Oh my god, T, no.

T!

No!

Shh!

Oh my god, T.

T, no way.

T, you're gonna kill yourself.

[Teel] What else is new?

[Madison] Oh my god, no.

[Teel] Hey.

If my dad sees you, he will kill you.

Alack, there lies more peril in thine eye

than in 20 of their swords.

You have to leave.

Oh, will thou leave me so unsatisfied?

What do you want?

The exchange of thy love's faithful vow from mine.

[Madison's Father] Maddie?

I'll be right down, Dad!

I had to see you in person.

No, T.

I already told you that I can't talk to you anymore.

No, we can go to the police again

and tell them everything.

No, they won't believe me, no.

[Teel] They'll believe me.

No.

[Teel] I'll be with you the whole time.

I said no.

Why?

Madison.

(crying) Look, he's not a monster, okay?

Yes, he is.

No, he's not, you don't know him!

You don't know him!

Okay, okay.

No, I can't.

I can't, okay?

I can't turn him in, I can't.

[Teel] I just need you to come with me

so we can find some help.

No.

He will send the National Guard, you don't get it.

He shouldn't be doing that to you.

Better that I learn from him

than some jerkoff boy who doesn't love me!

He doesn't love you.

Yes, he does!

Do you remember how you helped me?

When I didn't have any friends?

You remember that?

Now I have 142 Facebook friends.

Mad, can you believe that?

I never could have been able to do that without you.

Do you know what I was doing on the first night

that I called you?

I was planning to commit suicide.

Right after you left, I took an entire bottle

of acetaminophen.

And then you called back.

You remember that?

You called me back from the party

because I was lonely or something.

And then suddenly I had one friend and that was enough.

T, I had no idea.

Well, I didn't want you to know that it was that bad.

I was mostly just so amazed that this beautiful, brave,

smart girl wanted to talk to me.

You helped me so much.

It's okay to need help.

142 Facebook friends?

[Teel] Acquaintances.

I wish we'd made it to 150.

(knocks)

[Teel] We gotta go.

[Madison's Father] Maddie, what's going on in there?

Nothing, Dad.

[Madison's Father] Why's the door locked?

It's locked?

[Teel] You gotta come with me, Mad.

I can't.

[Madison's Father] Madison, is there a boy in there?

No, Dad, no!

[Madison's Father] Open the goddamn door!

He's gonna kill you.

I'm not afraid.

[Madison's Father] Madison!

Dad, stop, please!

Oh my god.

[Madison's Father] Open this door immediately.

No, I can't go.

I can't do this.

It's okay.

You can.

No, T.

You're my best friend.

[Madison's Father] (banging) Madison!

(rings)

Hey.

Hi.

How you doing?

I'm okay.

Today's been one of the better days.

[Teel] Good.

Yeah.

How's your audition?

Some are born great, some achieve greatness,

and some have greatness thrust upon them.

You are such a drama queen.

Hey, where are you right now?

Don't be nosy.

Close your eyes.

Why?

Just close your eyes.

Okay.

Tada!

What is it?

What does it look like?

It's a cape.

Oh my god.

That is amazing.

Where were you when I was seven?

T.

I just wanted to say thank you.

To you and your parents

for being there for me these past few months,

through the courts and...

Mad, you don't have to say that.

Just let me finish.

You saved me.

You're my Man of Teel.

Mad.

I don't know what to say.

Don't say anything.

Just pose.

(laughs)

Oh no.

No!

You're not actually gonna post that, are you?

No.

This one's just for us.

Subtitles by explosiveskull

♪ Don't forget I'm on your side

♪ All the beauty in dreaming

♪ Don't give up, don't hold it inside

♪ Just take a second and breathe in

♪ I am always on your side

♪ On your side

♪ On your side

♪ On your side

♪ It's hard not to believe that I'm a freak

♪ Just walk in the room, you'll hear them talk about me

♪ I'll never speak up

♪ It won't change a thing

♪ 'Cause I'm not good enough for anyone or anything

♪ And I try not to eat to make you love me

♪ At night I can't sleep

♪ 'Cause the words they haunt me

♪ And I'll probably give up before next week

♪ 'Cause I'm not good enough for anyone or anything

♪ You are not alone

♪ You will overcome

♪ Life is beautiful

♪ You are so much more

♪ Than what they think you are

♪ You are beautiful

♪ Yes, you are beautiful