Original subtitles

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, guys.

Mmm, collecting snails?

Yeah, Mr. Feeny said we can take 'em...

off his flowers and use them for bait...

for when we all go fishing Sunday.

Fish don't eat snails.

Gee, I guess I was mistaken.

Well, whenever you guys are ready...

the bass master here is all set...

to pass on to the younger generation...

some of the finer points of spin casting.

Manipulating young and impressionable minds.

I hope you're proud of yourself, Mr. Feeny.

Indeed I am, Mr. Matthews.

Come on, guys.

Now, the main thing to remember is...

that basically it's a simple flick...

of the wrist. You open the bail...

hold the line with your finger...

and then it's 2:00, 10:00.

2:00, 10:00.

[CRASH]

Kind of a quarter after 3:00 thing...

you got going on there, Dad, huh?

May a, uh, fellow angler try his luck?

Be my guest, George.

Thank you. Ha ha!

That fella out there.

[CLINK]

It's like getting back on a bicycle.

One never forgets.

Mr. Feeny, you fish?

Oh, sure. I'm an old bass hog from way back.

I'll never forget that September morn, 1956.

I was after small-mouth bass on the Louisiana Delta.

Sounds fascinating, George.

Spanish moss hanging down...

and the cypress knees jutting up...

through the brackish water of the bayou.

Sounds fascinating, George.

Dad, how come Eric's not coming with us this year?

Well, your brother's discovered girls.

He can't sit still. When you're Eric's age...

and you can't sit still, I'll take Morgan.

It's the endless cycle of fishing.

And what about after Morgan?

Well, then I'll just be some guy...

in a fishing hat with a lot of boring stories.

Did you just scare yourself, Dad?

Whoa, yes, I think I did.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Hi. I'm Morgan, and this is my brother Eric.

He's very shy.

Ha ha ha. Good girl.

Eric, what are you teaching her?

Nothing.

I get to help Eric meet girls.

No, you don't. She doesn't.

You don't.

My brother thinks you are so cute.

So this is why you've been taking her to the mall.

- Well, I think it's great. - You do?

- Mm-hmm. - Ha ha ha.

I think it's a perfect way for you and your sister...

to spend quality time together.

Well, you know, some guys use a golden retriever.

I figure, why not use the weasel here?

[CAR HORN HONKS "LA CUCARACHA"]

It's Grandma!

Hey, it's Grandma!

Yeah, it's Grandma.

OK, open up a lane.

I'm coming through.

I've been sitting on my keister for ten hours...

in that Winnebago.

I need some stretching room.

Hey!

Grandma! Grandma!

Hey!

BoTH: Where's my present?

I thought this year maybe you'd buy me one.

Nuh-uh. You're the grandma.

I am? oh well, in that case...

Uh-oh, what have we here?

A dolly.

Ha ha. Well, it's a shrunken head.

Not a real one.

They don't sell real ones in Tijuana.

Not for a buck.

That's a cool bullwhip, Grandma.

Oh, yeah, and it's yours.

I had the wagon master to go with it...

but he slipped out of the cuffs in Juarez.

I know, I know. I didn't call.

You never do, Bernice.

Well, it's not my style.

Hey, I got something for you, too.

Yeah. Dried cactus. It's from Albuquerque.

An old Navajo tradition.

Keeps you regular as a diesel.

Thanks for preparing us for middle age, Mom.

We'll think of you... several times a day.

So, what brings you to our neck of the woods?

Did your convoy swing through?

Yeah, yeah.

We made a killing in bingo country...

so now we're heading out to Palm Springs...

to buy ourselves some new butts. Ha ha ha!

Grandma!

Kiddo!

Finally decided to show your face, huh?

What'd they do, let you out of detention early?

Yeah, well, I heard "La Cucaracha"...

from all the way down at the park.

How long are you staying?

Oh, just the weekend.

Speaking of which... hey, you two kids...

cancel all your plans for Saturday...

'cause, Morgan, you and I are gonna go shopping.

We are gonna buy so many new clothes...

you won't know what to do with them all.

I'll wear them, then I'll throw them on the floor.

Ha! Why not?

And then I thought we'd take in the auto show.

I hear they got some pretty hot babes...

sitting on the hoods of those hotrods.

There's something I might enjoy.

And Sunday, kiddo, you and I...

we are gonna go get this baseball card signed...

by the guy in the picture.

Cal Ripken?

This is Cal Ripken's rookie card!

How'd you get this?

How'd I get it?

I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die...

and then I pried that out of his cold, dead fingers.

Or I bought it for seven bucks at a swap meet.

You make the call.

And we're gonna get him to sign it?

Well, would you like that?

What are you, new?

- Hey! - Hey!

Oh, man, that was the best auto show ever.

They had Bernie Koppell and Jamie Farr...

right up there on the same stage.

Where else you gonna get that?

Hey, Cor, check it out.

I had the Lamborghini girl sign my arm.

Lamborghini girl?

Eric, how can you even compare...

the Lamborghini girl to Cal Ripken?

Has the Lamborghini girl played 1,900 straight games?

No, but has Cal Ripken ever posed...

For the Victoria's Secret catalogue?

Eric, I feel we're growing apart.

Told her maybe we could take a drive once I get my license.

She laughed, but it was a flirty laugh.

Graziella Terziana.

I think she's French.

Boy, I'm bushed.

What, with chasing your sister in and out of dressing rooms...

and chasing your brother away...

from those bikini models' dressing rooms...

these dogs are barking.

You're not too tired for tomorrow, are you?

Are you kidding? You and me?

I wouldn't miss that for the world.

Mr. Matthews, just the man I wanted to see.

- Mr. Feeny? - Let me ask you...

if one were entertaining a young woman...

a young girl your age...

um, how would he go about it?

Mr. Feeny, you dating a teenage girl?

Not since the Eisenhower administration.

No. My niece is visiting for a few days.

She's your age. She'll need to be entertained...

And I thought that maybe you could help me out.

Look, I'd love to meet your niece, Mr. Feeny,

But, see, I got this really bad case of strep throat.

It's spreading down my lungs and into my pancreas...

so, as you can see, I'm... I'm completely strep.

Relax. I'm merely curious...

as to how a contemporary teenage girl entertains herself.

Oh, oK. Well, it's my experience...

that if they can't find a senior with a car...

they'll settle for some gullible sophomore...

who's willing to empty his pockets...

on a dinner he can't really afford...

a movie he doesn't want to see...

and a door slammed in his face.

Somewhere in that brimming cup of bile...

I heard dinner and a movie.

Yeah, see, dinner and a movie...

is the premier form of dating entertainment.

Dinner, movie. Movie, dinner.

Dinner, dinner, movie, movie.

A wonderfully rich tapestry of human experience.

Don't mock what I am, Mr. Feeny.

Mom, where's Grandma?

We were supposed to leave ten minutes ago...

and her Winnebago's not even outside.

You know what, Cor?

I was gonna bake some blueberry muffins.

You want to help me?

- Bake? - Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Yeah, I do.

There's nothing I'd rather do more.

Oh, wait. I'm lying.

I'd rather go to Baltimore.

Well, how about just until you leave?

Ohh... so how long do you think...

I could go without taking a shower...

before my arm gets all gross disgusting?

Is this what's gonna happen to me when my hormones kick in?

Yeah, like I don't have anything else on my mind but girls.

Look, I got a lot of other things on my mind besides girls.

A lot of other things. There's, like...

Girl! Girl! Right there! Right there!

Where?

It's Feeny's niece. She's unbelievable.

I... I gotta think. I gotta think.

I got to take her to a world she's never been to before.

Dinner. Movie. Movie. Dinner.

This has to be perfectly orchestrated, or else...

Weasel!

OK, weasel, do you remember what we've been practicing?

This is my brother Eric.

He's very shy.

Ha ha.

Perfect. Look, in exactly one minute...

I want you to come outside...

and do what we've been doing at the mall.

How will I know when it's a minute?

OK? Minute, ding. Minute, ding.

Minute, ding.

Movie, dinner. Movie, dinner.

How you doing, Mr. Feeny?

How could I help you in the garden today?

Oh.

Oh, hi. I'm Eric.

I'm Jessica.

Strep throat cleared up, did it, Mr. Matthews?

Strep throat? A guy like me?

No. See, I work out much too hard...

to ever get strep throat.

So, uh, where would you like me to move...

this enormously heavy bag of fertilizer?

I hadn't planned on moving it at all.

Let me just effortlessly toss it over here, then.

Hoo-dah!

[BELL DINGS]

This is my brother Eric.

He's very shy.

Speaking of fertilizer.

Is this your little sister?

That she is.

I love Eric.

Oh, please. Jessica...

you couldn't possibly fall for this line of...

She is so cute.

And so well-rehearsed.

Eric's taking me to the carnival today.

When did I say that?

Ha ha. Looks like your parrot has learned a few new words.

Do you want to come with us?

Oh, with us.

To the carnival with us, yes.

Please come With us.

Well, if that's oK with you, Uncle George.

Well, I think the polite thing...

would be to extend an invitation for me to join you.

Mr. Feeny, would you like to come to the carnival with us?

Oh, thank you so very much for asking...

but no. I'd rather have gum surgery.

OK, now, remember to take those out...

in a couple minutes so they don't stick.

Mom, I kind of got the hang of it in the last four batches.

Is Grandma lost or What?

I don't know, Cor, but, hey...

you know what? I was gonna bake a cake next.

You want to help me out?

Look, Mom, I know you're trying to do this...

to distract me and all...

but what if something happened to Grandma?

Maybe we should call the police.

- No, I don't think so. - Why not?

Because I'm sure that she's fine.

Then why isn't she here yet?

Honey, I've known your grandmother...

for a long time, and there's something...

you need to understand about her.

I understand that if Grandma's not here yet...

she must have a very good reason.

She's not coming, is she?

I'm sorry, Cory.

I know this is disappointing.

Eh, it was just a stupid road trip.

I mean, what kind of city is Baltimore, anyway?

An American League city.

Hey, why don't you call Shawn? See if he wants to go bowling.

- Cool. I'll drive. - or I'll drive.

That could work, too.

I'll call my best bud Shawn...

the one guy I can count on to be there.

Hi, Mrs. Hunter? It's Cory. Shawn around?

What do you mean, he's gone fishing?

Did you know your husband's cheating on me...

with someone else's son?

You forgot to call Shawn.

Good-bye, Mrs. Hunter.

I forgot.

You didn't tell him you weren't going on the fishing trip?

I forgot.

So he still showed up.

I guess he didn't forget.

Now he's out there with my dad...

drinking root beer, eating potato chips...

bonding away.

I miss one thing with my dad...

and he drops me for the first available son.

Where are you going?

I'll be in the tree house.

Hold my calls.

MORGAN: Eric is the best brother in the whoLe worLd.

That's enough, Morgan.

That was so sweet of you to play four hours of skeeball...

just to win her that giraffe.

3,000 tickets.

Eric's gonna give me his new sunglasses.

No, he's not.

You know, you can really tell a lot about a guy...

by the way he treats his sister.

Oh, you mean these.

There you go.

Eric is such a good-looking boy.

Yeah, thanks.

Are we all done for the day?

Yes, we're done. Bye-bye.

She's adorable.

She's not the only one.

Who's Graziella Terziana?

What?

Her name, it's written on your arm.

Uh, that...

I can't stop every girl who wants to sign my body.

Oh, Mr. Charming.

I could loan you a pen.

And smart, too,

Using his little sister as date bait like that.

That obvious, huh?

Oh, yeah. Heh.

Big mistake?

Did I say that?

So I didn't have to work so hard.

Who said you had to work at all?

Nice night, huh?

Yeah.

Well, we're just, uh, passing through.

Good. Pass.

Eric, the lipmaster.

Yeah. Sure.

Look, anybody else, or are we all done here?

Everyone have a great day without me?

How long have you been up there?

Long enough to watch you swap spit with a Feeny.

Well, I'd say the mood is sufficiently killed...

wouldn't you?

Dead and buried.

I think my little sister's busy tomorrow...

so it looks like it's just you and me.

I'll bring the pen.

Good night.

Everyone. Ha ha.

She's related to Feeny?

Niece.

Nice.

Nice? She's beautiful.

That's the most incredible girl I ever kissed.

Which puts her at the top of a list of what, two?

Look, making out is not a spectator sport.

Ooh...

What are you doing back from Baltimore so early?

- I didn't go to Baltimore. - Why not?

'Cause I stayed here all day 'cause Grandma dumped me...

while my best friend was out Stealing my dad.

Oh, grow up. I wasn't stealing your father.

- Good night, Shawn. - Night, Dad.

- So Grandma never showed, huh? - Nah, she didn't.

You want to talk about it?

Doesn't really seem like there's much to talk about.

Hoo, boy, are you wrong.

Where are you going?

I'm hungry. Shawn ate everything on the boat...

except the worms.

He usually likes those.

Uh, I can highly recommend the muffins.

These are a little dry.

Great. I cook and I slave, and this is the thanks I get.

You made these?

I didn't have anything else to do...

'cause Grandma didn't show up.

I've been there.

Wait a minute. She did this to you?

Hey, pick a category. You like sports?

Birthdays? You like rocket ships?

I'll take rocket ships.

All right. Um... one day my class...

was supposed to go on this field trip

to the Franklin Museum of Science...

to see the "Man in Space" exhibit.

Cool.

Yeah, it would've been, except that Grandma forgot to return...

the permission slip, so I didn't get to go.

I been there.

Yeah, me, too, and I felt just the way you're feeling now.

- Did you hate her? - Well, no.

It's kind of hard to hate her, Cory...

'cause a couple months later, she woke me up...

in the middle of the night, she bundles me up...

throws me in the Winnebago...

we drive for two days and two nights.

Where'd she take you?

Cape Canaveral.

Mercury 3. First American in space.

My classmates are back in Philadelphia...

Looking at it on a little black-and-white TV.

I'm there feeling the heat from the rocket on my face.

Grandma took you all the way to Cape Canaveral?

See, Grandma doesn't show love like other people do...

but she loves you no matter what you think.

She just shows love in her own way.

And when she's with you, she wants it to be so special...

that you'll always remember.

I always do remember.

Yeah, so do I.

When that rocket took off...

and the smile on my face was a mile wide...

and all of America was watching their little TV set...

I remember that my mother was watching me.

[CAR HORN HONKS "LA CUCARACHA"]

Guess who.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, Alan.

You'll never change, will you?

Would you want me to?

- Nope. - Ha ha ha.

Hey, kiddo, look, I know we were supposed...

to go to Baltimore today...

but you'll never believe what came up.

It doesn't matter, Grandma.

Oh, sure it does.

I know you wanted to take me.

I... I really did.

Did I tell you that my Cal Ripken card...

is my favorite one?

It is?

Yeah, and his signature might've messed it up...

just like that Lamborghini girl messed up Eric's arm.

The next time my convoy swings by here...

you and I are gonna do something really special.

I can't Wait.

Hi, Grandma, Cor. Dad, I've been in my room...

For the last twenty minutes, oK?

Alan, I would appreciate it...

if you kept your son and his hormones...

inside the house...

at least until my niece leaves.

Why, George, what are you talking about?

Eric's been up in his room for...

- Twenty... - Minutes.

Excuse me.

I will not be jerked around.

Oh, well, excuse me...

but as the matriarch of this family...

not to mention a card-carrying member...

of the Kiwanis Club, I can personally vouch...

for the fact that this fine young man...

has been up in his room for the past twenty minutes.

And excuse me, Miss Kiwanis, but how could you know that...

when I just saw you pull up in your Winnebago...

and run over my mums not forty seconds ago?

Who is this guy?

My teacher.

Does he give you straight As?

- No. - And why not?

Have you talked to the boy?

OK, teach, you just better kiss...

The rest of those mums goodbye.

Wait.

Who is that woman?

My grandma.

Don't you just love her?

No, I don't.

Well, I do.

[HORN HONKS "LA CUCARACHA"]

Cal Ripken Jr., rookie year.

I never thought I'd actually get to hold one of these things.

My grandma picked it up at the swap meet for seven bucks.

Seven bucks in dog years.

This baby's worth 150, easy.

- It is? - Yeah.

Boy, your grandma must really love you.

Yeah.

Or else she shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

You're kidding... right?

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