Original subtitles

Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today Lic69 I my man'i a taxi driver

I my man'l a taxi driver

I I'd like to like a ride with you

I don't want to he fled to you

I I promlee I'll try my very belt to pleue you, derllng

I You know that lelr'e lelr vvlth me

I There'e thlnge you can lhere vvlth me

ISo teke my tlp

I And we can lklp lormelltlee

I won't you be my cruieing Connove

I Clicir your llngerl and I'll be over there

I Smoothlng your heir, loothlng your core. evvey

I There'e no relueing, Connove

I Stop the clock and Ivoriring overtlme

I Cruleing Connove, be mine

I My men'e e taxl drlverI

(BELLS CHIMING)

NARRATOR: Every major lntemetlonel clty

he that molt populer mean- ol treneport, the texl.

That unlque brand of conveyance vvhlch comblnea el'llclency vvlth lndlvlduallty.

Perhapa, moat popular for the personal aervloe lt provldea.

Enthualaatlc, hard-vvorlrlng, vvlth never a moment'a reat,

probably the tax! drlver'a moat lovable attrlbute la the warm welcome

he la alvvaya eager to extend to lorelgn vlaltorl.

The moment you hall a taxl,

you can be lure of belng greeted by a lrlendly amlle,

a concern for your Ivell-belng,

and aomeone at the wheel alvvaya ready to lend a helplng hand.

There are, at preaent, llterally mllllona ol taxla

operatlng throughout the world on a 24-hour baala.

Enaurlng that at any tlme, day or nlght, vvlthln aeconda

you can be apeedlng happlly avvay to the deatlnatlon of your cholce.

Renowned for thelr total lack of prejudlce, a tax! vvlll atop for anybody

lrreapectlve of colour, claaa or creed.

Adored by the publlc lor thelr vvhlmalcal charm and dellghtlul dlapoaltlon,

perhapa more than any other form of publlc tranaport,

the tax! drlver holda a unlque place In the heart: of the people.

Not leaat, hla lellovv road uaerl vvho appreclate to the full

that qulet, courteoua patlence, that affable, lrlendly manner,

that conalderatlon lor hla lellovv motorlatl

vvlth whom he la alvvaya ready to exchange a lrlendly wave and aome merry llttle qulp.

(MOUTHING)

But poaalbly more than anythlng elae to hla credlt,

the tax! drlver bear: the dlatlnctlon ol belng a drlver of knowledge,

experlence and el'llclency,

reaaaurlng all who drlve vvlth hlm

that the tax! la not only the aaleat vehlcle on the road,

but holda the proud record for belng Involved In the leaat number of accldentl.

(MAN WHISTLING)

(TYRES SCREECHING)

(CRASHING)

Wlthout a doubt, we, the publlc, ovve much to theae gallant lrnlghtl ol the road,

of whom It can truly be aald,

"Everythlng we feel for them, they feel for ua. "

(BLOWING RASPBERRY)

That'll be 15, guv. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Well, you try emlllng

when you've been lumbarad wlth a mleerable tlght-flated glt Ilke hlm,

after you've fought through all the bleedlng traffic

and had hlm moanlng on at you, Ilke It was all your fault.

Sorry about that.

Been a blt of a bad day. Know what I mean?

By the way, my name's Joe.

Well, wlth a name Ilke that, I had to go In the eabblng bualneaa, dldn't I?

Been at It a year or so now.

Have my own eab. Well, almost. Soon as I've flnlahed paylng for It.

Yeah, It's not such a bad Job really.

Hard work, but then so la anythlng these days.

Not that I mlnd.

Got me health and strength. Know what I mean?

Mlnd you, I'll be a lot happler when I get my own place.

Trouble ls, you see, I llve at home.

You need a blt of peace and qulet after dolng thls Job.

And llvlng at home? No Joke, I can tell you.

Oh, yeah, makes a great start to the day.

Oh, come on, Mum, I'm late as It Is.

Well, It's your own fault.

Comlng In here last nlght, plssed as a newt,

crashlng about all over the place and waklng me up.

Lay off, Ma, wlll you? Do us a favour.

You're gettlng more llke your father every day, you are.

And you're golng to end up llke hlm, mark my words.

And where were you last nlght?

Out screwlng some poor Innocent llttle glrl, I suppose.

-Just llke your father. -Don't make me laugh.

You hardly knew hlm. You only met hlm once.

Don't talk llke that In front of the baby.

And woke her up and all, dldn't he, my dear llttle pet?

Have more conslderatlon.

It was twlce I met hlm. Twlce.

lee me them.

Mummy wlll glve you somethlng nlcer than that to play wlth, there's a good llttle glrl.

Are you golng to slt starlng at that all day or are you golng to eat It?

I don't feel llke eatlng. Look, Just glve me a cup of tea, wlll you?

I don't know why I bother, I really don't.

Food Is wasted Just as though It cost nothlng.

All rlght, all rlght. Somethlng's burnlng. Porrldge, by the smell.

Oh, It's all rlght, Just at the bottom. The top's all rlght.

-I don't llke porrldgeI -Yes, you do. It's lovely.

It's horrldI HorrldI HorrldI

Shut up!

(ALICE SCREAMING)

OhI Now look what you've done. You know It makes her cry.

All rlght, I glve up. That's It. Bloody hell. I'm late as It Is.

-Where's my fares book? -0h, In the cupboard.

Oh, my God!

That llttle tyke's been thlevlng agaln, aln't he?

Where Is he? PeterI Come In hereI

-PeterI -And he's llke hls father and all.

Wlnd up In the same cell wlth hlm, I shouldn't wonder, the way he's earrylng on.

PeterI

How am I supposed to get to sleep wlth all thls racket?

Yeah? So? Where's the fire, then?

Over here. Come here.

Look, what have you got to say about all thls lot, then?

Good gear, lnnlt? I mean, It's not rubblsh, Is It?

You sald you'd got a proper Job.

Well, I have. I mean, I'm dolng It proper now, aren't I?

Been worklng very hard at It and all. I've got a sharp llttle organlsatlon together.

You're golng to get us all Into trouble. Anyone could Just walk In.

And all that lot lylng there.

Not to mentlon 20 cartons of halrspray I found hldden under my bed.

Fell off the back of a lorry, dldn't they, Mum?

You're golng to end up In the nlck wlth 10 years ahead of you.

Peter's golng In the nlck, Peter's golng In the nlck.

Why can't you get an honest Job for once?

What? lee drlvlng a cab? Leave off.

Anyway, that's no more than bleedlng hlghway robbery,

so what are you dolng telllng me to go stralght?

0h, cholce. I Ilke that.

Just don't ask me to ball you out, that's all.

It's your funeral.

What'd I tell you, eh? It's always llke that.

Makes It a pleasure golng to work of a mornlng.

I tell you what'd cheer me up, be to plck up a nlce blt of crumpet.

Very handy for lntroductlons, thls motor.

I I ran about town llke you

I And had better thlnga to do

I Than apendlng the tlme

I I'll see that It's worth your whlle

I Oh, baby

I I know you've been runnlng free

I l thlnk you'd have fun wlth me

I Forget the rest

I l'd llke to teat your drlvlng atyle

I Won't you be my

I Crulalng Casanova

I Cllck your flngera and I'll be over there

I Smoothlng your halr

I Soothlng your cares away

I There's no refualng, Casanova

I Stop the clock and worklng overtlme

I Crulslng Casanova, be mlne I

-Where to, darllng? -Lambeth Brldge, please.

nght you are, then.

Nlce mornlng. Isn't It? You off to work, then?

Yeah, I thought so. I can usually tell.

Belng In thls Job you have to be a blt of a psychologlst.

What do you do for a llvlng, eh? No, don't tell me.

Let me guess.

I'd say you're a secretary, rlght?

Personal secretary to some oll magnate. Eh?

Really hlgh-powered.

Don't let appearances fool you.

Be a rlght llttle raver, thls one, when It gets golng.

Got a lovely llttle body on her, too.

No mlstake.

Looks a blt mlserable, though.

I know what she needs. nght?

That's another thlng lean tell.

Whether a blrd's had a good seelng to or not the nlght before.

I reckon that one's had a rlght thln tlme of It lately, don't you?

Born In London, were you? No, don't tell me. Let me guess.

I'd say, Judglng from your accent, that you're from somewhere up north, rlght?

Yes, lean usually tell.

Somewhere llke leerpool, maybe?

Yeah. leerpool, I'd say.

She's weakenlng. What'd I tell you, eh?

Oh, yes, deflnltely softenlng up. Stands out a mlle.

Whlch slde of the brldge, love?

-Mlddle. -The mlddle?

nght, then. Mlddle It Is.

That'll be... Here, hang on!

HeyI Hang on a mlnute, darllng. What about my fare?

Go away and leave me alone! Please. Just leave me alone.

But I never lald a finger on you.

What's the matter wlth you? Jesus Chrlst, I only want me bleedlng fare.

Look, If you haven't got It, there's no need to panlc.

I mean It. Don't come any closer.

All rlght. All rlght. I'm golng. I'm golng.

You don't eare, do you?

-Nobody eares. -Eh?

No one wlll even notlce I'm dead.

All rlght then, If that's the way It Is, I'll Jump rlow.

-0h, my God! -Don't try and stop me.

It's too late. My mlnd's made up.

No. Walt. Don't do It!

The paln, the sufferlng, wlll only end when the Icy waters close over me,

earrylng me away Into obllvlon.

-Funny blrd. -The dreamless sleep of eternlty.

Darllng, why don't you tell me about It?

I mean, I don't pretend to understand. I've onlyjust met you, haven't I?

But you know what they say, rlght? 'A trouble shared Is a trouble halved.‘

All lean say ls, well, It seems to me a terrlble waste,

beautlful glrl llke you trylng to do away wlth herself.

What do you say, eh? I mean, nothlng's ever that bad, really.

-Not when you come down to It. -lt's too late for talklng rlow.

Oh, please, darllng. try, eh?

I'm all alone In the world. No one loves me. No one eares.

You don't know what It's llke to be left alone, unloved, unwanted.

Hold on. I don't belleve It.

Beautlful glrl llke you and no one wants to know?

Llsten, I could love you.

I mean, the first tlme I saw you, I sald to meself,

'Now there's a glrl I could really love.‘

There was a man. Once.

I thought he loved me.

-0h, Ronald, Ronald! -Watch yourself, you'll fall!

He's never comlng back. I'll never see hlm agaln. "ever! I want to dle.

I ean't face llfe wlthout hlm. 0h, Ronald, Ronald!

(SHE YELPS)

I ean't even klll myself properly. I'm a fallure at everythlng.

No, you Just need cheerlng up, that's all.

Look, you've had a nasty shock, rlght?

Why don't I take you home, eh? Where do you llve?

Do you really thlnk I'll ever be able to forget Ronald?

Course you wlll. Wlth a blt of help.

I need love, you see. That's what I need, lots of lovlng.

Well, I dld Just save her llfe, dldn't I?

I mean, the way I look at It, It's an offer I ean't refuse.

And strong arms. Strong arms to hold me.

Hold you? It's llke trylng to undress a bloody octopus.

I don't want you to thlnk I'm promlscuous

Just beeause you eaught me at a weak moment.

Oh, I don't. I don't. Look, Just llft up a blt, wlll you?

It's Just that wlthout Ronald, I feel so helpless.

I don't know, you seem to be dolng all rlght.

I wlsh he was here rlght now, so he could see.

Oh, I don't.

LlndaI

-lt's Ronald. -Ronald?

-0hI -You got It all wrong, mate.

It's not llke that at all.

I've Just brought her back In my eab, you see.

And you're Just collectlng the fare, that rlght?

Yeah. NoI

You mustn't get It wrong.

I dldn't dare leave her.

She was golng to do herself In.

Throw herself off Lambeth Brldge.

Well, that makes a change.

Let's see, what's the score now? Westmlnster twlce.

Blackfrlars, London Brldge, Tower Brldge, and that's only In the last few months.

How was I supposed to know? She was In a terrlble state.

-Sald you'd left her. -And you dld.

You walked out wlthout saylng goodbye and you slammed the door.

-Cover yourself up, wlll you? -That's typleal, that Is.

Most of the tlme you want me to uncover myself.

That's dlfferent. That's when I'm wlth you.

Well, you're wlth me now, so what's dlfferent?

Admlt It, you only want me for my body.

-0h, Llnda, don't be so rldlculous. -l'm not belng.

You thlnk you ean treat me how you llke, as If I've got no feellngs.

-Now, you know that's not true. -0h, ealllng me a llar, are you, now?

Not content wlth only wantlng me for my body, I'm a llar as well!

-l dldn't say that! -Excuse me...

I knew It. ljust knew It. You don't love me any more.

-Of course I do. -You wouldn't say such thlngs If you dld.

Look, I don't want to Interrupt anythlng...

If I dldn't love you, how the hell could I have put up wlth you for so long?

-I don't want to Interrupt... -Just mlnd your own buslness.

Keep your nose out of thls, mate. I've got to go to work sometlmes, you know,

wlthout you thlnklng I'm leavlng you and threatenlng to commlt sulclde.

You drlve me to It. You're so cruel to me.

-Thank you. -0h, don't be so stupld.

You're slck, that's your trouble.

LINDA: Oh, yes, that's always your attltude.

You never thlnk. And you stlll haven't remembered.

RONALD: Remembered what, for heaven's sake?

LINDA: It's my blrthdayI

RONALD: So what's Important about a blrthday?

LINDA: It's very Important to have... RONALD: You have one every year.

It's golng to be one of those days. ljust know It.

PETER: I'd llke to take her out and push her under a bus.

Don't you talk about your llttle slster llke that. I won't have It!

Slster? She's not even human.

Look at that lot! A whole bleedlng ton of soap powder rulned.

Do you know how much money she's lost me?

And when I'd done a deal on It. Knocked myself out to set It up.

Well, no one asked you to brlng It In here, dld they?

Clutterlng up my kltchen.

Well, I want It out. Just get rld of It.

-Do you hear me? -Oh, yeah?

Now what am I supposed to say?

lee, 'Llsten, mate, about that soap powder,

'l dld have It, see, but It sort of vanlshed. Sorry about that.‘

Or how about, 'Ny llttle slster declded to decorate the house wlth lt.'

Oh, they're golng to love that, after they've plcked themselves up

off the bloody floor laughlng, of course.

Joe, Just tell hlm, wlll you? Just tell hlm to get rld of It.

No. No. I've had as much as I ean take

I wash my hands off the whole bleedlng lot of you. That's It, as far as I'm concerned.

Why don't you get rld of the stuff you've already got before you brlng more In?

It's gettlng so that I ean't even move around me own house.

What's all that gear dolng In my bedroom?

PETER: I'll wrlng her bloody llttle neck, so help me, I wlll.

JOE: PeterI

PETER: thtle monster ought to have been put down at blrth.

What?

-PeterI -What?

I want to know what all that...

Oh, never mlnd. Forget It.

And where do you thlnk you're golng, Sunny Jlm?

I've got a nlce llttle Job for you first.

-Dump It. -Oh, Na, where?

That Is your problem, not mlne.

And mlnd you brlng that bucket back.

-Where do you thlnk you're golng wlth that? -I told you, I'm leavlng.

Oh, I see. Just walklng out and leavlng me to cope.

A fine son you turned out to be.

Just llke your father, whoever he was.

What am I supposed to tell Carol when she comes?

Well, you ean tell her to...

-Hello, love. -Hello, love.

Carol, my steady. Blt of a drag. Got weddlng bells In her ears.

-What you dolng wlth that, then? -He's clearlng off.

Walklng out on hls responslbllltles, that's what he's dolng.

Oh, no! No, I'm sure Joe wouldn't do a thlng llke that wlthout telllng rne,

-would you, Joe? -Yes, I would.

I've had enough. I'm clearlng out. I've had enough.

Oh! Well, I expect I'll see you later, then?

Joel Joel

Joe NorthI You come here. Come here.

Do I comprehend the sltuatlon correctly?

-Are you leavlng home? -Dead rlght.

Wlthout a word to me or even a by-your-leave?

It's got nothlng to do wlth you.

What do you mean It's got nothlng to do wlth rne?

I happen to be your fiancee and flancees have a rlght to know these thlngs.

-So where are you golng? -I don't know.

-What do you mean, you don't know? -I Just told you, I don't know.

You ean't Just leave home and not know where you're golng.

As soon as I find somewhere, I'll get In touch, all rlght?

When's that, then?

How should I know? Tonlght, tomorrow, as soon as I'm settled In.

Does that mean you're not golng to take me out tonlght?

How ean I? I don't know where I'll be.

-Gone wlth the wlnd. -What?

That's what you were supposed to take me to, Gone wlth the Wlnd.

Oh, come on now. You must have seen It 10 tlmes.

Eleven.

Wlth that and Lady and the Tramp every year at Chrlstmas,

It's enough to drlve anyone up the wall.

You don't have to come. I mean, nobody's forclng you to.

I mean, you don't have to eare If I'm on my own,

probably belng molested In the back row.

Oh, come on. Who's golng to molest you?

Lots of people, If I let them. Anyway, you always do.

I've got to find somethlng to do, haven't I? Gone wlth the Wlnd Is a long fllm.

Well, If you won't take me to the plctures,

why ean't I come wlth you and help you find somewhere to stay?

Carol, I'll be all rlght.

Supposlng you're movlng In wlth another woman?

Oh, leave off, Carol.

Well, how am I supposed to know?

Look, I'll rlng you, all rlght?

You see, If you would have told me you were leavlng home,

I could have done the same and then we could have moved In together

and got marrled before I orlglnally planned.

Yeah. Well, I'll rlng you.

You see, If you wouldn't mlnd hanglng about for a blt,

I could bolt home and start packlng stralght away.

No. Look...

Twenty mlnutes, 15 at the outslde If you took me by eab.

Carol, I haven't got tlme for all thls.

What Is the matter? Do you not want to llve wlth me any more?

Course I do. It's nothlng to do wlth that.

You wouldn't thlnk so, the way you go on about It.

You'll have to get used to It once we're marrled.

Look, what's up wlth you?

-Don't you trust me or somethlng? -Qulte frankly, no.

Charmlng.

It's Just that I don't llke to thlnk of you belng unfalthful.

Especlally, as I spent all my savlngs last week buylng my engagement rlng.

-Have I ever been unfalthful to you? -No.

Have you ever eaught rne wlth another woman?

Have you ever eaught me, when I've been out wlth you,

even looklng at another woman?

-No. -There you are then.

You've got nothlng to worry about, have you?

That Is besldes the polnt.

Remember, a penny saved Is a penny not spent.

What are you golng on about?

Do not put all your balls In one basket.

That Is what I am trylng to say.

You see, lfl eaught you recllnlng In the embrace of another woman,

do you know what I would do?

I would chop It offI

Look, you ean trust me.

As soon as I find somewhere I'll rlng you, all rlght?

But I thought I was comlng wlth you.

-What? -Well, that's what we agreed.

-Yeah. Well, look, you go home... -Yeah.

-And pack your thlngs. -Yeah.

-And then as soon as I find somewhere... -Yeah.

-l'l| see you later. -nght.

I hadn't flnlshed yet.

Tom? Tom? You about?

Wlth you In a mlnute.

-Joe, how are thlngs? -Oh, not so bad.

Nlnd lfl earry on?

-Busy, I see. -Oh, not bad.

Stlll got your plcture gallery, then.

You dlrty old bastard.

Make good dart boards. You should see how my alm's Improved.

Here, pass that grease gun, wlll you?

Ta.

-Hovr's the eab buslness, then? -Oh, mustn't grumble.

Thlng Is, I dld want to ask you a favour, mate.

-Oh, yeah? -Yeah.

You know that flat you've got upstalrs?

Yeah? What about It?

-Well, It's got two bedrooms, rlght? -Just about. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, I've got thls problem, see. lee, I've got to find somewhere to llve and,

well, seelng as how we're mates... I mean, I'd help towards the rent and that.

Llsten, Joe, anytlme, you know that.

Unfortunately, It's not that slmple.

If you'd asked me a couple of weeks ago, no problem.

But the trouble ls I've got a lady llvlng wlth me at the moment.

Don't tell me you need two beds. You must be sllpplng.

No, no, no, It's not that.

Look, Joe, I'll be stralght wlth you. You know women.

You never know how they'll react. I mean, well, lekl's a nlce lady, but...

-Well, she does work odd hours. -Yeah?

Has Its advantages, I suppose.

I wouldn't ask If I wasn't really desperate. Just tlll I get somethlng else fixed up.

All rlght, all rlght, Just for a couple of weeks tlll you find somewhere.

Yeah.

ls thls a prlvate party or ean anyone Joln In?

Hello. Talk of the devll.

I'll say thls for Tom, he certalnly knows how to plck them.

Obvlously a blt of class. Probably an alr hostess or somethlng llke that.

Thls ls lekl. She's a strlpper.

You ean't always be rlght, ean you?

Joe's comlng to stay wlth us for a whlle.

-Oh, nlce. When? -How about now?

You weren't klddlng, were you?

I don't belleve In hanglng about once rne mlnd's made up.

You plannlng on staylng long, then?

Just tlll I get myself sorted out, find a nlce llttle place to llve.

Oh, If you hear of anywhere that's golng, not too expenslve.

Yeah. Sure.

She fancles rne. lean tell.

I could pull thls one. Dead easy. No problem.

I expect you're llke me, work odd hours.

Yeah, I do a blt.

I suppose that means we won't see a lot of each other, then.

Do you fancy a qulck one before I go?

Oh. No, thanks. Better get out and earn some money.

-lee me to drop you off? -Yeah, great. Save me gettlng a eab.

I could deflnltely make It wlth her, but I thlnk I'd better put In a blt of hard graft,

earn meself some money.

Yes, that's what I'm golng to concentrate on for a blt, money.

(MUSIC COVERS SPEECH)

-N|kk|l lekll -What?

Sand back, for God's sake. Stand back.

Why? What's happened?

It's a... In there.

-No, don't go any closer. -No.

Don't be sllly.

-But It's a... -lt's Monty.

Oh, don't touch It. They blte, you know. They're polsonousI

Monty Is a python and they don't blte.

Anyway, he wouldn't hurt anyone, would you, Monty?

Are you trylng to tell me...

-Is that thlng yours? -Well, of course It Is.

(WHISPERING) And don't shout. You'll upset hlm. He's very hlghly strung.

Well, what's he dolng In my bath?

Where else could I put hlm?

Anyway, he llkes It In the bath.

Keep that horrlble thlng away from me.

I'm telllng you, you'll have to get rld of It.

It's not staylng here. You'll have to get rld of It.

Get rld of It? I ean't.

And even If I wanted to, whlch I don't,

-he's part of my act. -Change your act.

Change my act?

Monty Is a huge success and you don't replace that In a hurry.

-Do you, darllng? -Oh, wlll you stop dolng that?

lees me the horrors, those beady llttle eyes starlng at me all the tlme.

I don't know why you're maklng such a fuss.

lee rne hls basket.

I don't know how you'd feel If you found a snake In your bath.

I mean, I almost had a heart attack.

Are you sure that thlng's golng to be safe In there?

Yes, of course he ls.

Monty Is very well behaved.

In you go. There we are.

-H|, Gerry, BIII. -Wotcha, Joe?

-Plck any wlnners, dld you? -No.

Oh, It's a mug's game, that.

You want to glve It up, mate, save your money.

-Hello, sexy. -My money?

Mlght as well spend It on that as anythlng else.

Better than throwlng It away on ruddy women all the tlme, llke you.

What are you talklng about? I make them pay. That's the secret, mate.

Sex manlac, that's what you are.

You're Just too old, mate, that's your trouble.

Can't get It up any more.

From what I've heard, you ean't get yours down, mate.

-AII part of me worldly charm, lnnlt? -Oh, that's what they sell It, Is It?

What's the matter wlth you, eh? You forgotten what It's llke?

He thlnks he Invented sex.

-Hello, Joe. -Hello, Dora.

-Haven't seen you for a whlle. -Been busy, aln't I?

DORA: Two dog rolls, two teas.

The way he earrles on, I'm surprlsed It aln't dropped off by now.

Go on. You're Just Jealous.

lee hell. You get to my age, you've done It all, aln't you?

-I get to your age, I'll need to have done. -Ah, get lost, mate.

You reckon that's all there Is to thls Job, don't you? Pulllng blrds.

What do you reckon It's all about, then?

You're all the bloody same.

Out on the road for a couple of years, thlnk you know It all.

-You'll find out. -Yeah?

How's that dreadful brother of yours?

What? Peter? Dreadful.

-What do you fancy, then? -What do you thlnk?

-lee us a dog roll, wlll you? -One dog roll.

He's golng to get done one of these days, the way he earrles on.

More than llkely. Stlll, I shan't be there to see It.

Moved out. Couldn't stand It any longer. Got me own place now.

-Moved In wlth Carol, have you? -Not bloody llkely.

Yeah? When are you golng to lnvlte rne round, then?

-Any tlme you llke, darllng. -Well, I'm free tonlght.

Funny you should say that. So am I.

-Plck you up about 1:00? nght? -nght.

(MEN CHEERING)

Joe, If I let you, you know...

You wouldn't thlnk rne cheap, would you?

Cheap? No, course not.

Drlnklng double glns all evenlng.

Course not. It's belng emotlonally honest. What could be wrong wlth that?

Besldes, wlth a fabulous flgure llke you've got,

It'd be crlmlnal to hlde It away, now, wouldn't It?

I'll tell you somethlng, you've got the most beautlful breasts I've ever seen.

Have I?

-l have dreams about them. -You don't. Really?

I'll tell you somethlng else, too, they're even better wlth nothlng on.

Oh, Joe...

(momma)

Oh, Joe...

Oh, darllng. you're fantastlc.

But I haven't even got me trousers off yet.

Oh... Joe...

What a scene that was last nlght.

Makes you wonder whether It's all worthwhlle, doesn't It?

Just got to dellver thls parcel. Should be falrly stralghtforward.

I don't thlnk I could take any more excltement, not for a whlle.

Mrs Devere Barker? Parcel for you.

Mmm. Brlng It In, would you?

Oh, If you'd Just llke to pop It down over there.

I daren't touch It, you see. It's my nalls.

-lt's your what, love? -Nal|s.

Tropleal Green, number three.

Very exotlc.

The second they're dry I'll be able to pay you,

only I Just daren't touch anythlng whlle they're llke thls.

No, It's all rlght, you Just stand there and dry off.

-l'm In no hurry. -Oh.

You wouldn't llke a drlnk whlle you're waltlng, would you?

No, thanks, I'm drlvlng. But thanks all the same.

Not even a cold beer, somethlng llke that?

-Well, I wouldn't mlnd a beer actually. -Oh, do help yourself.

Actually, darllng. you couldn't do me

a large Camparl and soda, could you, whlle you're there?

Yeah.

-A large one? -Yes, please.

-Say when. -I never do.

Oh, be an angel, would you, and Just sllp It between my llps?

Oh, the glass. Yes, of course.

-Sorry to put you to all thls lnconvenlence. -Don't mentlon It.

It's Just I always seem to get eaught out when someone arrlves.

Yesterday, It was the televlslon repalrman, the day before It was the plumber

and as for the wlndow cleaner, well, every tlme he comes now,

-I seem to be In the bath. -| see.

Oh, you wouldn't be an angel, would you, and undo It for me?

It's for a dlnner tonlght. My husband's In cement.

Oh? Must be uncomfortable for hlm.

It's a presentatlon dlnner, you see, so I thought I'd wear green

to go wlth my nall varnlsh.

-Very nlce. -Mmm.

Seems to be all rlght now. You're not In a rush, are you?

It's Just I'd llke to try It on to make sure It fits.

-No, no, of course not. -Oh. Good.

Some gaff thls, lnnlt? Must cost a packet.

I bet she does and all.

Make yourself at home, won't you? I shan't be long.

What about her, then? Blt of all rlght.

'Shan't be long. My husband's In cement.‘ Bloody hell.

Have you lost somethlng?

Balls. They fell off.

Oh. Never mlnd.

You couldn't glve me a hand wlth the zlp, could you?

It seems to be stuck and I don't want to break a nall on It.

These blrds and thelr zlps.

-Jesus. -lt's a blt stlff.

It won't be the only thlng If she earrles on llke thls.

Yeah, I see what you mean, It Is stuck, Isn't It?

Maybe If you pull It?

That had crossed my mlnd.

-Have you done It? -Yeah, I thlnk so.

Oh. Seems a blt loose.

Oh. Look at that. Just look at It.

That's Just so typleal of today's workmanshlp.

That's the last dress I shall buy from there.

-Yeah, dlsgraceful. -Now, what shall I do?

Well, It was the only thlng I could thlnk of, wasn't It?

Another satlsfled customer.

And the dress dld flt after all.

I suppose I ean't really ask her for me fare now.

I promlsed that lekl I'd plck her up from the club.

Mustn't be late In ease she sets that snake on to me.

Thls Is the one, I thlnk.

How about It, then, guv? Twelve beautlful glrls, do everythlng.

All naked and they dance.

-Hey, where do you thlnk you're golng? -lnslde.

-Not wlthout paylng, you're not. -l'm not golng In, not to see the show.

-l'm Just plcklng up lekl, that's all. -Yeah. You and a few others.

No, honest. I'm a eab drlver. Look, rne eab's Just outslde.

It could be anyone's.

Look, If you thlnk you're golng to galn admlttance here wlthout paylng,

you've got another thlng comlng to you.

I'm telllng you, I'm only here to collect lekl. I mean, do us a favour, mate.

I know all the taxl drlvers round here, mate. I don't know your face.

Well, that's sense I don't normally do thls patch.

I'm only here to collect lekl. I llve In the same flat as her, see?

You're not the one who went to bed wlth Monty?

Oh, God! What?

By accldent, was It? Or dld you need the help?

Go on.

Sorry, mate.

Joe, would you mlnd hanglng on Just a mlnute?

I've Just got to nlp back and get Monty.

-No rush. -Okay.

-Okay. -wrmr

-You comlng or not? -If you're not qulte ready, I don't mlnd.

-That's Helga. -Oh?

You ean put your eyeballs back In. I've lnvlted her for supper tonlght.

Forelgn, Is she?

No. She's a nun from Scunthorpe. Come on.

-That was lovely, lekl. -Mmm.

-lt was nothlng speclal. -I enjoyed It. Now what?

I've got some yoghurt In the frldge.

-No, I meant what shall we do now? -You declde.

Why don't we play a game? Hmm? What about strlp poker?

Oh, come on, It mlght be fun. What do you say, Torn?

-No. He doesn't want to play. -Oh, come on. Just for a glggle.

-Got any eards? -Cards? Er, no.

Well, how about splnnlng the bottle Instead? Hmm?

Okay.

Well, I thlnk I'll read my book.

We could always play strlp oulja board, If you'd prefer?

-Oul]a board, what oulja board? -No, let's spln the bottle.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

I'll get It.

Where's Joe? I same to see hlm.

Oh, he's not In. He's out.

No. Hls taxl's here.

It's all rlght. He Is expectlng rne.

Hello. I'm Carol. Carol Hotchklss. Joe's flancee.

I expect he's spoken of me. Whlch ls hls roorn? That one?

Thank you, dear.

CarolI Llsten, lean explaln.

It's the thlrd house along, on the rlght. Number 42.

nght you are. Do you want a hand wlth those?

Would you? Oh, thank you.

You ean Just put them down here.

Oh, that's all rlght. I don't mlnd earrylng them In for you.

That's very klnd of you.

-l ean't find my key. -Are you sure?

-Perhaps It's In your bag, loose? -l'll try.

It's not there.

-What about pockets? -I haven't got any.

What am I golng to do?

Perhaps you could go to a nelghbour's tlll your husband gets home.

He's away. On a buslness trlp. I ean't even get hold of hlm.

Don't you have a spare somewhere?

-Yes, of course. -Oh, well, then.

It's lnslde.

I thought you mlght have one under a flower pot or somethlng.

Harold, that's my husband, Harold's nervous about burglars gettlng In.

All very well, but how do I get In? I could try to cllmb In, I suppose.

But you'll have to help me. You wlll, won't you?

I ean't leave a lady In dlstress, ean I?

Let's see If there's a wlndow open somewhere.

Oh, there won't be one of those.

Thank you.

You wlll be eareful, won't you?

Safe as houses, darllng.

(CRASHING)

Are you all rlght?

What's happened? Are you all rlght?

Say somethlng, please.

What's happenlng up there?

I dldn't know what had happened to you. I ealled and ealled but you dldn't answer.

-Are you all rlght? -Yeah, I thlnk so.

Look, you go down and I'll open the front door.

I ean't. I'm stuck.

What do you mean stuck? Just go back down the way you eame.

I ean't. I daren't look down. I'll fall. I'm frlghtened of helghts.

Look, It's qulte slmple. If you ean't go down, you'd better come on up.

I ean't move. I'm seared.

All rlght then, go back down the way you eame.

All rlght. Now, don't panlc. You're qulte safe. Just do as I say. Okay?

Now, put one hand on the next rung up.

Go on, one more.

Now the other one. Keep golng. You're okay.

I'm watchlng you. Up a blt. No, down, Just a llttle.

Now, In towards the wall, that's It.

Go on, you're dolng flne. Come on.

It's all rlght, you're nearly there. That's It. Now, glve me your hand. Lovely.

-l ean't put my feet... -Oh, you're dolng wonderful.

There you go. You're there

-Through the wlndow... -Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh, you're all wet.

I should have warned you.

-Oh, I'm sorry. I completely forgot. -Yeah, well.

And of course, that's why I left the wlndow open,

to let the smell of palnt out. Oh, and look at your clothes.

They're covered In It.

Oh, you have to let me wash them for you, you ean't go out llke that.

Oh, well, that's very nlce of you to offer.

I thlnk the least lean do Is clean your clothes

and glve you a bath, don't you?

I do llke huge bubbly ones, don't you?

-Yeah. -That's about rlght, now.

-Oh, I ean't walt to get In. -Nelther ean I.

Bubbles make me go all tlngly all over. You as well?

Ooh, feels all lovely. All tlngly.

What a way to go.

Marlon?

(MARION GIGGLING)

MarlonI

Marlon, where are you? Marlon, you In the bath?

AM There you are. Dldn't you hear me shoutlng?

Oh, darllng. what a lovely surprlse. I wasn't expectlng you.

What a complete shambles. The whole trlp.

Oh, you poor love. Why don't you go downstalrs,

put your feet up and pour yourself out a nlce long drlnk and I'll Joln you,

-you ean tell me all about It. -Well, there's nothlng to tell.

The entlre flasco was predlctable from start to flnlsh

and you know who's responslble, don't you?

-Well, I told them, I warned them. -Yes, you dld.

'You put Peters In as Actlng Managlng Dlrector

'and you've got nothlng but trouble on your hands,‘ I sald.

He ean't cope wlth responslblllty,

he's got no lnltlatlve, runs a Ford Anglla and doesn't play golf. You mark my words.

Well, I've been proved rlght yet agaln.

That's wonderful. Now, why don't you Just go downstalrs...

Wonderful?

It's frustratlng. Well, It's lnsultlng.

Oh, I qulte agree. Now, why don't you Just let me flnlsh my bath

and I'll be stralght wlth you?

Yes, I... I could do wlth a drlnk.

-What was that? -Nothlng.

Just knocked the plug, that's all.

Oh.

(GASPS)

Oh, darllng. ean I get you anythlng?

-What? -To drlnk.

-No, Just go downstalrs and I'll be... -Marlon, Is It really necessary

to use all that much bubble bath?

You only bought thls last week and you've already flnlshed It.

You really must be more eareful In future. I ean't afford extravagance of thls sort.

I mean, how you expect me to ralse your housekeeplng allowance

In the face of such flagrant wastage, I really don't know.

Really must pull yourself together, you know. You're gettlng very eareless lately.

Won't do, you know. No, won't do.

It's all rlght.

Marlon, I meant to ask you, what on earth have you been dolng In the bedroom?

There's palnt all over the place. It's a terrlble mess.

It's the decorators. It was meant to be a surprlse.

Surprlse? I should thlnk the only surprlse I'd get would be the blll.

Don't suppose you've thought to get an estlmate flrst?

-Oh, Harold... -Never mlnd. Don't upset yourself.

I mean... No, I expect you... You meant well, yes, llke Peters.

He meant well, I expect. Incompetent clodhopper,

but the Board llsten? Would they llsten?

Please, Harold, the water's gettlng cold.

Oh. Ah. Yes. Well...

Yes, well, you have your bath and don't you worry about a thlng.

No, It was a lovely surprlse to flnd palnt all over the bedroom.

Yes, I thlnk I do need a drlnk.

It's all rlght now. It's all rlght now.

Qulck.

I brought you a drlnk, darllng. I thought you mlght llke one.

Oh, you mustn't stand about llke that, not wlth the wlndow open.

Oh, no, no.

Catch your death.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

-Sorry, mate, I'm not... -St Mary's Convent, Upton Road.

Yeah, but...

Of all the rotten luck. Anyone else but a nun.

I couldn't very well tell her to eff off, could I?

I wonder If I could trouble you to help me wlth my eases?

I thought I heard you come In.

It's costlng me a bloody fortune In Jeans, thls Job.

-How come? -I keep loslng them.

By the way, your brother phoned whlle you were out.

What, Peter?

He sald somethlng about havlng a lot of televlslon sets, dld we need one.

-Bloody hell. -Why? What's the matter?

If he phones up agaln, tell hlm...

I don't know, tell hlm I've left the country, anythlng.

Why? You don't want to speak to hlm?

Not lfl ean avold It. I've got enough problems In rne own llfe

wlthout gettlng lumbered wlth hlm and hls thlevlng.

I may get Into a few scrapes now and agaln

but that's one thlng I've always stayed well clear of, crlme and all that.

You know what thls ls, buddy? It's a gun.

Just keep your mouth shut. Do as you're told and you won't get hurt.

-Yeah, but... -I sald shut up and get golng.

Make one wrong move and you're dead. Understand?

Just stlck to the drlvlng,

keep your eyes on the road and you and me wlll get along Just flne.

Now, drlve south and no funny buslness.

I know thls town llke I know my own face.

If you ask me, we should have rubbed her out there and then.

Don't get no troubles wlth a stlff.

Nobody's asklng you, so shut up!

Supposlng her old man wants to talk to her.

Aln't nobody golng to pay no ransom for a stlff, dumb-head.

We got to keep her allve to get the dough. Do you get It?

Yeah. Yeah, but she's already seen us, so why bother wlth all thls stuff?

So when we sell up her old man, you want her to tell hlm where we stashed her?

Get It through that thlck skull of yours, dumb-head,

what she don't know, she ean't tell. Okay?

Then we rub her out?

-Just stlck to the road, pal, llke I told you. -Why don't we rub her out?

Shut that moron up, wlll you?

Do a rlght, nowI

Llsten, blrdbraln, we don't snuff her unless there's no other way.

-What If somethlng goes wrong? -So long as you follow orders, nothlng wlll.

Take the next turnlng on the left.

And keep It real cool and steady.

I am golng to do somethlng. Soon as I get the chance.

Blt dlfflcult wlth a gun polntlng at my head, though.

Okay, buddy, turn left, through those gates.

Keep golng.

Further. That's It.

Get that broad out of the eab.

Here, dldn't we ought to rub hlm out, too?

I mean, what's to stop hlm shootlng hls mouth off?

Okay, buddy. Out of the eab. Nlce and easy now.

No sudden moves or thls baby goes off.

All rlght, buddy. Out of the eab. Now, keep It cool.

Put your hands on your head. Now, turn around.

Come on, turn around! Now get movlng. Turn around.

Get up.

Come on, hands agalnst the wall.

(GUN CLICKING)

Look. Come on, you ean relax now.

Look at hlm, he fell for It.

I don't belleve It. Look at hls face.

I'm sorry If we seared you. The whole thlng was a Joke.

Everythlng.

You see, we were at thls party...

And someone suggested that we wouldn't dare try It In the street.

And that no eabble would belleve It.

So they bet us 20 quld to do It.

-No hard feellngs? -No hard feellngs?

I've been loslng fares whlle you've been dolng all thls.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Oh, don't forget to get the paper slgned.

Oh, yes. I almost forgot about that.

We had to brlng back some klnd of proof that we actually dld It.

Do you thlnk you'd mlnd slgnlng your name to thls blt of paper?

And If you could add your eab number, that would be great.

Thanks, mate.

-Hello, Malsle. -Hello, Joe.

Well, come on, love. Don't be nervous, I won't blte It off.

-Where to, darllng? -Oh, the usual, love.

-What, round the block? -Yeah, that'll do.

Just keep on drlvlng. I'll glve you a yell when I'm flnlshed.

-nght. -Here, you heard about Glenda, dldn't you?

(MAN CLEARING THROAT)

Oh, sorry, love. Be wlth you In a mlnute.

-Glenda? -Yeah. She marrled an Arab she plcked up.

-I thought I hadn't seen her around. -Yeah. An Arab.

-Wlth oll wells and everythlng. -No.

Mlnd you, It was only a matter of tlme before she hooked some old geezer.

JOE: I'd never have thought that about her.

What, gettlng marrled? Glenda? You're Joklng.

Every tlme she opened her mouth a weddlng bell popped out.

So how's buslness wlth you?

Oh, It's quletened down a blt now the tourlst season's over,

but I don't do so bad.

Tell you what, love, you get It out and start practlslng and I'll Joln you In a mlnute.

Here, Joe, could I have thls one on credlt?

You know, I've Just had the electrlclty blll In...

Yeah, that's okay.

Oh, you are lovely. I'll make It up next tlme, I promlse.

Don't worry about It. It's my pleasure.

I'll tell you what, I dldn't half get a frlght the other week.

I thought I'd eaught a dose, dldn't I?

All rlght. Don't worry. You have a very nasty cough there.

You should get It seen to. It mlght be serlous.

That's the fourth one I've had thls week wlth a cold.

I only hope to God I don't go down wlth It.

That's my trouble, you know.

Anythlng that's golng the rounds, I seem to plck up.

Yeah, I had notlced.

Anyway, love, ean't slt here chattlng all day. I've got to get back to work.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

Ahl

Oh, my God.

(MAN GASPING IN PAIN)

(SIRENS WAILING)

(WHISTLING)

Somethlng tells me thls could be my lucky nlght.

-Number 24, you sald? -Twenty-four. Yes.

Oh, a rlght llttle sex bomb, thls one.

You ean tell from that volce, ean't you?

All husky and sexy.

I reckon thls one'll need the smooth, suave James Bond type chat-up.

You In the movles, then?

Sorry?

No, It's Just that I thought I recognlsed your face from somewhere.

I'd swear I'd seen you on the telly or the plctures, somewhere llke that.

-Posslbly. -I knew It.

I knew you were In show buslness. Are you famous, then?

Well, If I was, you'd know who I am, wouldn't you?

Yeah, well, I do, It's Just that your name eseapes me for the moment. That's all.

Bunny McQueen.

Bunny McQueen. Of course. How could I ever forget that?

Bunny McQueen? Oh, I get It.

Bunny. Must work at that Playboy Club.

One of those blrds wlth long floppy ears, all dressed up llke rabblts.

Yeah, probably been In that Playboy magazlne.

You know. Playmate of the Month?

I bet If I looked, I'd flnd a plcture of you on Tom's garage wall.

-Who's Torn? -Oh, he's a guy I llve wlth.

-Is he nlce? -Yeah, he's all rlght.

Not as nlce as you, though.

(LAUGHS)

She fancles me, don't she?

I'm In here lfl play me eards rlght.

Make yourself at home.

(SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

Slt down. Relax.

I should slt over there If I were you. It's more comfortable.

I'll Just get the wlne.

-Here we are. -Well, here we are then.

-Have you been together long? -What?

-Thls boy you llve wlth. -Oh, Torn. No, Just a few weeks.

Well, we've known each other for a couple of years now.

But we've only been llvlng together a short tlme.

He's not golng to get Jealous, If he comes back and flnds me here?

No, probably fancy you hlmself.

Oh, let me.

Must need a new fllnt. Hang on, I've got some matches somewhere.

Sorry about that.

That's a really great outflt you're wearlng.

on, do you llke It? I deslgn all my own clothes.

Yeah, well, It looks terrlflc.

I suppose I shouldn't really be wearlng It now,

but after I flnlsh work I Just want to get away.

I ean't be bothered to change.

Oh, no, you mustn't change. I mean, you look great as you are.

A real turn-on. Honest. It's a tough one, thls.

No, no. It's all rlght. I'll get It out In a mlnute.

Come on. Why don't you let me try?

No, you'll never do It.

-Have you got the glasses ready? -What? Oh, yeah.

Sorry, we're a blt short on glasses.

Well, thls Is very nlce.

Thank you.

I thlnk you're very nlce. You comfortable, are you?

Mmm. Thank you.

I thlnk you're really somethlng. Really, I do.

I hope you won't mlnd If I say thls, but...

I thlnk you've got the most beautlfully shaped breasts I've ever seen.

-Really beautlful. -Yes. Yes, they're much better now.

Mlnd you, they cost me a fortune.

So, urn, why don't we glve them a llttle alr to breathe, eh?

You've got lovely legs and all, really lovely.

I have to shave them, of course.

(SHE GIGGLES)

Bloody heIII

-What's the matter? -YouI

-You're a fellaI -But of course I am.

What dld you thlnk I was?

I wonder lfl could have hlm under the Trades Descrlptlons Act?

-Chrlst almlghtyI -Get golng, mlster, fast.

-Where to? -Never mlnd now, Just drlve.

Help. Help, I've been robbed!

Must have gone to the same party. Stlll, tenner a tlme, I should eare.

-l'l| play the game. -Can't you go any faster?

I'm dolng my best but watch out for the law. I don't want to get done.

We'll take eare of that. Just drlve. Left.

(HORN HONKING)

Chrlst almlghty, you mlght glve me some warnlng.

MAN ON RADIO: All cars west Robbery ln Praed Street

Your attentlon ls called to a black London taxl,

belleved to contaln suspects. 1505, over.

What do we do, stop them all?

Turn rlght. Just where that van ls.

Wouldn't It be easler If you told me where we're maklng for?

We're golng to have an accldent at thls rate.

Look, I'm glvlng the orders round here, so shut up and keep drlvlng.

I suppose they've got to come on heavy, otherwlse It wouldn't count.

I wonder when they get round to the blt about dolng me In?

Not as good as the last lot. Much more reallstlc, they were.

(SIRENS WAILING)

Are we belng followed?

-Don't thlnk so. -That's all rlght.

Golng In the opposlte dlrectlon.

It's all clear. He could drop us off at the end here.

Are you klddlng'? He's comlng wlth us. We may need a hostage.

Look, mate, why don't I Just drop you here llke your mate suggested?

lean slgn your paper and you ean be on your way.

Paper?

ljust thlnk It'd save us all a lot of tlme, that's all.

-What paper? What are you talklng about? -You know, for your mates.

'I hereby declare I've done the dreadful deed' and all that rubblsh.

I won't tell them I cottoned on.

Llsten. Just shut up and keep drlvlng.

Come on, don't let's get earrled away.

A Joke's a Joke, but I keep loslng buslness dolng thls lark.

That won't be the only thlng you'll lose, you don't belt up.

Look, falr's falr, but you go too far.

I'm not golng to slgn your paper, I'm warnlng you, so watch your step.

-Now, see here... -Left. Sharp leftI

JOE: Hang about. What's all thls then?

Go rlght down the end to the garage, drlve rlght In.

-Oh, I get It, I get It. -You wlll If you don't belt up.

It's bleedlng Torn, lnnlt?

I mean, I told hlm about the other kldnap and he thought...

Very funny!

-What are you dolng here? -You should know.

What a bloody prank. Look, It's costlng me money, thls game.

-You know hlm? -Course he bloody knows me.

-l llve here, don't I? -What happened?

-Where's the ear? -Parked on a double yellow llne, dldn't he?

We do the Job, corne rushlng out wlth the stuff,

there's our getaway ear belng done for parklng.

Had to come back by a eab.

And of all the eabs In London, you had to plck...

(LAUGHING) on, no.

I stlll say we ean't trust hlm.

I'm telllng you he's a mate. He's not golng to shop us.

-I won't. I won't. -And I say we shouldn't chance It.

Look, I'm not golng to say anythlng.

As far as I'm concerned, It never happened. I don't know nothlng about It.

See? I'll guarantee hlm. Now, don't worry.

-Don't worry? -How much do you thlnk I'm worth?

Now look, lekl, we haven't got tlme for all that, love. Take them off, please?

I knew I'd look good In expenslve thlngs.

Yeah, you look lovely. Now get them off.

nght, well, If you've all flnlshed wlth me, I thlnk I'd better get back to work.

Slt down. You aln't golng anywhere.

-Yeah, well, I Just thought... -Well, don't.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

-You expectlng anyone? -lt's all rlght. It's not the law.

And I thought taxl drlvlng was a straln.

nght, let's get thls stuff away somewhere.

It's maklng me nervous lylng around the place.

Yeah, where are you golng to put It?

I know a place where no one'll look. lekl?

Oh, come here, Monty.

-Chrlst almlghtyI -Hello, what are you dolng here?

-You two know each other? -Yeah, he's my brother, Isn't he?

-Bloody hell, what's that? -A hlppopotamus.

What are you dolng mlxed up In all thls?

I'm In the blg tlme now, aren't I?

I don't belleve It. ljust don't belleve It.

PETER: I was drlvlng the getaway ear, wasn't I?

Oh, yeah, parked on a double yellow llne.

PETER: I've done It before and never got nlcked.

So tell us what happened.

Nothlng happened, I got a bollocklng.

You lot eame runnlng out of the shop wlth the stuff.

Well, the copper, he forgot about me, so I drove off.

Yeah. We should have been wlth you.

It looks llke you managed to plck up a eab all rlght, don't It?

thtle bleeder. I ought to do you.

I saw what happened. Dldn't know It was Joe drlvlng It, though.

How much dld he charge you?

-You thlnk you're very funny, don't you? -Come on, Harry, lay off.

How do we know he wasn't followed? Bloody amateur, comlng stralght back here.

So what else was I supposed to do? It wasn't me they were followlng.

Yeah, well, any more cheek and I'll lay one on you so hard

my flst'll come out the back of your head.

Take It easy, Harry, yeah?

The kld dldn't mean nothlng. Just let It rest, okay?

Trouble Is, my frlends, what do we do now?

I mean, for all we know, they mlght have taken Joe's number.

For all we know, they mlght be on the way round here rlght now.

Taken my number?

That's great, that Is. That's really landed me In It.

Tom's rlght. We ought to spllt before they get on to us.

Yeah, we'll meet up tomorrow llke we planned.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Too late, they're here.

-Can't see anyone. -Well, It's not rlnglng on Its own.

Who Is It?

If nobody makes a sound, perhaps they'll go away.

Look, maybe you'd better go and see who It Is.

-What? -Do you want me to go?

You stay rlght where you are. Yeah. Go on.

CAROL: It's no use hldlng. I know you're In there, Joe North.

Bloody hell, that's all I need.

Answer thls door or I'll scream the place down.

You let me In or I'm warnlng you, I'll get the pollce to knock the door In.

-Oh, Carol. -You took your tlme, dldn't you?

-Where Is he? -Who?

Oh, Joe.

Who dld you thlnk I meant? Mlckey Mouse?

-He's out. Worklng. -What? When hls taxl's here?

What's he drlvlng? Horse and salt?

Hls taxl's not here. He's out In It.

Really. Well, I have Just bumped Into the tall lady from Number 3,

wlth the toy poodle and the blue rlnse.

And accordlng to her, Joe's taxl drove Into your garage 10 mlnutes ago.

So unless It's gone stralght through your back wall, It's stlll here, lnnlt?

Well, you see, I wouldn't know about that, 'eause I was asleep.

He's up there, Isn't he? He's up there wlth another bloody blrdI

OhI

-Joe, get rld of her. -What am I supposed to do?

lfl flnd you In a compromlslng posltlon wlth your knlckers down, I'll...

Oh.

-Dldn't know you had company. -Hello, Carol.

I Just same to tell you that I've forglven you. For what you was dolng last tlme I saw you.

-Oh, thank you. -Yes.

I've thought It over very earefully and I declded that what you dld

was a moment of weakness on your behalf, so I have forglven you.

-Great. -I thought you'd be pleased.

-Yeah. Great. -Well,

aren't you golng to Introduce rne

to your frlends?

Oh. Yes. Thls ls Peter.

Yes, I know Peter, and Tom, and that lekl as well.

And thls ls Jeremy.

Terrlbly pleased to meet you.

-And Rupert. -Pleased to meet you.

I'm Joe's flancee. Carol Hotchklss.

Actually, Harry, Bernard and Jlm were Just about to leave.

Yeah, yeah.

-Yeah, we're golng. -Yeah.

Yeah.

-Yeah. -Bye, Rupert.

Nlce to have met you.

What dld you say they do for a llvlng?

-lnsurance. -Anthues.

-Banklng. -Computers.

What Is golng on?

What do you mean? Nothlng. Why?

Is there somethlng I'm not supposed to know about?

It's Just that I get the lmpresslon...

-I mean, what's he dolng here for a start? -Just come to see my brother, haven't I?

You've got someone here, haven't you?

Another woman, another naked tart In the bedroom.

Oh, for God's sake. Look, there's no one here but us, that's all.

-How am I supposed to know that? -Well, you've Just got a susplclous mlnd.

That's your trouble. You're worse than the CIA, Into everythlng.

If I eaught you wlth another woman, Joe North,

so help me, I would klll you, I would.

Especlally after I've forglven you for your mlsdemeanour.

Llsten, darllng, you know you're the only glrl In the world for me.

It's Just that... I've learnt my lesson.

Come on, let's go down the pub and have a drlnk, eh?

-Do you really mean that? -Yes, I'm thlrsty. I could do wlth one.

No. About me belng the only glrl In the world.

Course I do. Come on.

Oh, well, don't push me, all rlght? I mean, the pubs aren't even open yet.

-So? We ean walt. -Whlch one dld you want to go to?

Oh, any one...

Thank God for that.

Good day, slr. Madam. Golng somewhere, were we?

-Who are you? -Do you mlnd If we step lnslde, slr?

-What dld you want? -If you don't mlnd, slr?

-No, you see, we were Just on our way out. -I had notlced.

Yes, we were waltlng tlll the pubs opened.

Inspector Rogers, CID.

-And thls ls Sergeant Jeeves. -Afternoon, all.

I rather thought you mlght be able to help us wlth our enqulrles.

Oh, what's been happenlng?

OII You got a search warrant?

Why? You hldlng somethlng?

You're wlth hlm. And you're wlth hlm.

nght?

So? Who are you wlth?

Myself.

Joe, what's thls all about?

You're a blt young to be In thls sort of league, aren't you?

I dldn't know there was an age llmlt.

Look, what are we supposed to be helplng hls enqulrles wlth?

Carol, love.

It's to do wlth sex, Isn't It?

You've been havlng orgles up here, haven't you? That's what It Is, Isn't It?

-Orgles. -No, ma'am.

Well, It must be somethlng llke that.

I mean, If Joe's anythlng to do wlth It, It must be sexy.

You've got a one-track mlnd, you have.

All rlght, If It's not orgles, what Is It then?

You mlght say It's a llttle treasure hunt.

Joe, what have you got yourself mlxed up wlth now?

-Nothlng. -I bet you have.

Especlally If there's a woman Involved.

-Llsten, there's nothlng up here. -Not accordlng to your two frlends.

We've got them outslde,

-plcked them up a few mlnutes ago. -What two frlends?

We know all about your llttle eaper at the Jewellers.

I'm sorry, I really don't know what you're talklng about.

Why don't you Just come clean? Your frlends have.

Found any llttle trlnkets yet?

Not yet, slr.

You're not golng to flnd anythlng here.

We'll see. Llfe's full of llttle surprlses, Isn't It?

Jesus ChrlstI

I'm sorry, slr, I dldn't mean to shout, It's Just there's a bloody snake In there.

That Is Monty.

He Is my speclallty and he's very hlghly strung.

Please don't upset hlm. He's got a performance tonlght.

-There's nothlng there, slr. -Told you.

Here, I've Just reallsed, you're looklng for stolen property.

Carol, why don't you belt up?

But the cheek of It. I mean,

comlng In here and searchlng thls place llke we were all crlmlnals.

No, you tell hlm, Joe. Go on, tell hlm.

Carol, Carol wlll you shut up, Carol?

Go on. Go on, tell hlm.

Ask to see hls search warrant. Go on. Ask. Ask.

Go on. Go on.

If you don't ask, I shall never speak to you agaln,

even though I have forglven you.

Have you got somethlng to say, then?

-Wel|, urn, Inspector... -Go on, go on, tell hlm to get out.

Yes, urn...

And tell hlm to apologlse. Tell hlm you know your rlghts.

Tell hlm you'll sue hlm for llbel If he don't apologlse.

She'll get me Jalled for llfe.

Go on, Joe, tell hlm. Joe Is my flancee.

Well, urn, Inspector, as you don't appear to have found anythlng...

That's rlght. Really lay It on hlm.

I suggest we, urn, eall It a day.

-Don't you? -That's a blt pathetlc, lnnlt?

-CarolI -Well, I mean, he'sJust ealled us

a bunch of crlmlnals. We could sue hlm for that.

Excuse me, ma'am, I haven't ealled any of you crlmlnals

yet.

CAROL: Oh, yes, you dld. I heard you.

You sald we had stolen goods. What sort of people do you thlnk we are?

Accuslng us of belng crlmlnals. We are respectable.

I have never done anythlng crlmlnal In my llfe. I work In a supermarket.

-lekl. -And as for Joe. Well, he's a taxl drlver

and Peter ls, well...

And as for Tom, well, you could hardly eall hlm a crlmlnal. He's a mechanlc.

-N|kkl... -And lekl,

-wel|, she's respectable. She's a strlpper. -leklI

And so the last thlng you could ever flnd In thls place would be stolen property.

Just been vlsltlng Torn. Poor bastard. Got flve years. Hlm and hls mates.

I thought I was golng to go down myself at one polnt.

But as I explalned to them, I was a vlctlm of the clrcumstances.

And they let me off wlth a eautlon.

Mlnd you, I thlnk they were glad to see the back of me,

'eause Carol was pesterlng the llfe out of them.

lekl got out of It all rlght. Probatlon. Flrst offence.

Tom's asked me to keep an eye on her for hlm.

That's a favour I shan't mlnd dolng.

Lost me a lot of tlme, though, all thls buslness wlth the law.

Lost me a place to llve and all. Guess where I've ended up?

MRS NORTH: Nothlng llke home cooklng, Is there?

Not llke your home cooklng, there Isn't.

Carol rang up. Sald she'd be round at 0:00. You were taklng her out.

Oh, yeah. That's really lumbered me In It, that has.

I suppose the only good thlng that's come out of thls ls you.

Gettlng off on probatlon.

Really shook you up, that brush wlth the law.

Good thlng, too. Turned over a new leaf, you have.

You stlll eat anythlng that lles stlll on a plate though, don't you?

So, you've learnt your lesson. I'm glad to see It.

Good to see you golng stralght.

Well, I'm off. Where's my fares book?

Bloody heIII

Here, don't you bloody swear In front of the baby. Teaches her bad hablts.

Hello, darllng. Whlch brldge do you want thls tlme?

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