All language subtitles for Orange Is The New Black - 6x10 - Chocolate Chip Nookie.WEB.STRiFE.en

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Let's go! Move it!

- Bye, Nana!
- What?

New year, new chapter.

This is so much better than
the shit you was bringing in.

One month in and you're
already bragging?

It's good shit.

We could expand our market.

Sell it to Florida and
those Cunt-Blockers.

Whoa there, Chapo. We're
back on Barb's good side.

We can't even keep up
with demand on our side.

You wanna start selling
in enemy territory?

I don't see enemies, I see customers.

Let's tend our own garden for now. Okay?

- This is gonna work, right?
- Mmm.

No money, no more.

She needs to enter the numbers and
it goes straight onto her card.

It's all there. Except the gratuity.

This I'm gonna give you now, in person.

Mmm.

All right, girls, get your bounce on!

Whoo! Get loose! Get your bounce on!

Okay, we're gonna do a top
rock. And where we gonna go?

Out, in. Out, in.

And out. In, out.

We're gonna do a hinge. On hinge,
we're gonna go up and down!

Pull yourself up off the ground.

This class ain't handicap accessible.

Oh, yeah! Kick, kick, switch, kick!

Oh. Come on!

- Badison! Badison! Badison!
- Still can't hear you.

Badison! Badison! Badison! Badison!

Hurry, hurry, hurry! No, wait.

That don't count. Do it again.

No, we're just scrimmaging.

And I'm just calling the moves. Again!

You're right.

You wanna get better? I applaud that.

Okay, let's go!

Toosh!

Boom!

Luschek, we need the ladder again.

Look, I can keep picking
up the phones and shit,

but my dance is my art, okay? I
feel exploited and unappreciated.

Luschek, do you copy?

Find someone else.

Yeah, I fucking copy. Shut up.

McCullough! Open the door.

What's up?

Oh...

Shut up.

What? I'm the ladder bringer,
not the ladder climber.

Is this really the only
ball in this entire prison?

Shit. There was, like, six
more in the Rec closet.

Why didn't I think of that?

Probably other things on your mind.

This one still needs to come
down. Up you go, Chapman.

What? Seriously?

Well, I don't trust her. Or anyone.

Go get 'em, roomie!

Are those like the ones
in Back to the Future?

Damn straight. Also
bought the hoverboard.

Even though the hoverboard's
kind of bullshit,

'cause it doesn't actually hover.

Now I'm saving up for the DeLorean.

How'd you get to be rich
Marty McFly all of a sudden?

Does Rec pay extra? 'Cause
if it does, I need in.

Thought you were Lyfting.

Turns out passengers don't like
it when you cry while driving.

Yeah, well, Rec pays shit.

If you wanna make money,

gotta win the pot at the end
of the Fantasy Inmate rainbow.

Fantasy Inmate's over, Luschek.

Nobody scored any points since the
blocks got separate yard times.

Except for Alvarez.

He's fuckin' Moneyballing that
shit on minor infractions.

There is a real kickball
field out there.

No shit.

We could be skidding on
grass instead of concrete.

Know how much of my uniform
I've had to pick out of my skin?

Ground's frozen. Probably
harder out there than in here.

But there is sun and air.

And a glimpse of trees,
way in the distance.

But the field's not properly
secured, all right?

- And there's this gopher problem...
- We could play a real game out there.

C-Block versus D-Block. It
could be very motivational.

Look, I'm already doing a lot.
Even by other people's standards.

I can't believe Gapman and I
actually agree on something.

But I gotta say, this is some
super smart, genius-level shit.

Let's fuck some bitches up!

She means that in a strictly
non-combative, healthy way.

Yo, ladies, how about
we play those D-bitches

and show 'em who's boss?

Yeah!

The answer is me, by the way. I'm boss.

It has been an entire month
with no violent incidents,

- so you've earned it, ladies!
- Yes!

- We're gonna destroy them!
- Yeah!

Yeah, hey!

Are you crazy? Do you
wanna start another riot?

It's not a riot when they're
fighting each other.

Vida.

You wanna get something to eat?

I got takeout.

I meant real food.

That shit ain't real.

At least it's halfway warm, and
we could sit at a table and eat.

Come on. We can't live our lives
hiding from these bitches.

I'm sick of being in my room all day.

You think I'm not?

These bitches push my buttons,

they gonna push the one
where I push back.

And I can't get beat up again...

'cause I maybe got a baby in here.

Girl, please. It's all the
junk you've been eating.

Yeah, well, we all gotta
have a dream to hold on to.

You know, you were much happier
when you had someone to grind.

That was good exercise.
Now, I'm stuck on my bunk,

reading old magazines,
doing toe-stretches.

Oh, my God, I'm turning into my mother.

Fine. Let's go.

Gracias.

- May we sit here?
- That would be wonderful.

Taken, by my ass. Literally.

Oh, these are taken.

They look pretty empty to me.

This is where my spirit animal
sits. And this is where my...

CO, you see that? She hit me
over the head with a tray.

- Bitch!
- Gloria! Gloria!

That's a shot, Mendoza!

And clean this shit up.

I used to do this back
in my waitressing days.

Now, let's see if it still
works with these new bottles.

- Ta-da!
- Oh, my God!

It's like St. Joseph of
Cupertino, but with diet soda.

Is this, like, some kind
of a carbonation thing?

That's for me to know and you to wonder.

All right, how 'bout this?

Watch me pull a coin out of my pocket.

It ain't magic, but here.

It's a 30-day sober chip.

I know they take away the
real one after the meeting,

so I made you one to
keep. Congratulations.

It has been hard as fuck. Thank you.

Hey, Deitland. I'll take my things.

And, whatever these girls want to
order, you can put it on my tab.

Ah! Barb, you spoil us.

What'd I tell you about this joint, huh?

You got, uh, free magic shows, open bar.

Like visiting my Uncle Pete's house,

minus the, you know, bad touching.

Well, I knew you'd come around
to the mob life eventually.

I haven't come around to anything.

I'm just helping her
stay sober. That's all.

Hello, Deitland. Can I please
have last week's order?

Nichols, Nicky.

And for next week, uh...
three Honey Buns, please.

- And I will take five bags of Cheetos.
- Hmm.

Healthy mama, healthy baby.

Well, at least mine has
trace amounts of calcium.

What does yours have?

Oh, it has me, licking the
honey out of the buns.

Oh, you know, also I enjoy
licking, uh, honey out of pots.

If you happen to know any
honey pots in the area,

I'd love to lick them.

You know what? If you was a man
and you was on the outside,

you'd be having a real
hard time right now.

'Cause I read they're cracking
down on this sexy talk.

Like, for real. It's gonna be illegal.

Which I think is a pity 'cause I
always found it very flattering.

Oh, yeah, I'm sure it's all meant
in the, uh, spirit of flattery,

and not in the spirit of being the
worst kind of misogynistic pig.

Caramel, karamel. It's all
how you wanna see things.

Now, speaking of the
worst kind of person,

I hear Carol has a new best friend,

and her name is Red.
And they are like this.

Who told you that?

Hey, I also ordered three Noxzemas.

All out. Had a huge C-Block order.

Oh! Motherfucking,
titty-sucking, two-ball bitch!

Whoa, whoa, whoa...

Hey, I like the minty sting of
Noxzema as much as the next gal.

I am a child of the '90s after all,

but maybe we're lacking
perspective here.

It's not the Noxzema. It's Carol.
She bought it all to spite me.

Oh, okay. So, first
she tries to kill you,

then she buys up all the Noxzema.

She is really upping the stakes.

Okay, okay. I know it
sounds stupid. I get that.

But these simple luxuries,
they are all we have in here.

She is not gonna quit bullying
me until I'm dead, you know.

So, how'd he take it?

He was devastated, obviously.

God, Carol, I can't believe I
have to leave him. He's the one.

Really? The one?

He's my soul mate. He gets me.

Okay, no, he gets in your pants.

And as soon as you're gone,

he's gonna get into
Pearl Peterman's pants,

where he's gonna shuck her
oyster and suck it raw.

What the fuck, Carol?

Don't be such a precious little
Barbie doll. You know it's true.

You're just pissed 'cause no
one here will even miss you.

You don't know shit about my
shit, so don't take it out on me.

It's not my fault we keep moving.
It's that fucking little cunt.

Up next, our own Debbie Denning!

This is Debbie's last meet
here in West Virginia,

as she's been accepted to train

at Trudy's Gymnastics
Institute in Plano, Texas.

Go get 'em, Debbie!

I could kill her.

Oh, we could, you know, if we wanted to.

Jesus, Carol.

Oh, you're such a sicko.

And her boobs are not even accurate,

mostly 'cause she doesn't have any.

Okay, well, the body's
better on this one.

Look, I even did some perspective.

Poison?

Glass shards in her Yoplait.

That's too obvious.

It'd have to look more like an accident.

And you'll have to burn that book.

This what you want me to read?

"You don't know me, but I know you.
And I want me a taste inside you."

It's a haiku for your
Missed Connections segment.

Woman, we ain't got no
Missed Connections segment.

And even if we did, it wouldn't be

for no porny haikus that don't rhyme.

It does rhyme.

You just didn't read it right.

And you can find yourself another phone.

All right, all right. All right! Come.

I'll read it once I get
back from my hiatus.

And I'm just gonna say this. You
cannot rhyme "you" with "you."

It's the same word and
that's not a rhyme.

I heard the other blocks are
having a kickball championship.

That's a land mine waitin'
to get stepped on.

Some D-Block ladies near the pill line

said there used to be a legendary
player here back in the day.

Had arms that could catch anything.

Even tattooed an octopus on her neck.

That ain't me.

And to be clear, this tattoo
predated my incarceration.

Okay.

Well, I told them that I was really
proud to be your roomie, so...

Suzanne...

listen to me.

You can't talk to the blues
and khakis. You understand?

They're dangerous.

We've won a valuable spot in here.

Everybody wants to be a Pink Lady...

... and they'll go as far as to
kill you to take your place.

Kill me? Why me?

Because... they pick off
the newest arrivals first.

Well, but you came in after me.

And you don't see me interacting
with any of them, do you?

And her?

Oh, she's been warned.

If she chooses to ignore
it, I can't save her.

Hey, Suzy Cakes. You finally
ready to come on out today?

- You shouldn't go out there.
- Oh, yes, I should.

This is about that time where

the walking dead becomes
the shitting dead.

Do you think it has
anything to do with, like,

the time they take those fiber chewies?

Whatever it is, I ain't gonna be here.

Frieda says that it's dangerous.

Don't be listening to
that Octopussy scare you.

You know what? That's senior abuse.

I think it goes the other way.
Like, adults abusing seniors.

Nuh-uh. Nope. I've
seen that shit before.

There was this fat, old Mexican lady

that used to live next
door to our trailer,

and whenever we'd be too loud,

or just, you know, be knocking
each other up or some shit,

she'd come walking over
and she'd sit on me.

She'd bounce and sit and
scream, "Tortilla! Tortilla!"

And I don't like tacos 'cause of her.

Except I do like those Del Taco
crunchy tacos. Those are dope.

But I know senior abuse when
I see it. And I just saw it.

No, no, no. It is not like that.

Besides, I promised Mabel that I
would play Rummikub with her later.

See... I'm an important
member of this community.

Yeah, I once did community service,

and it ended with them
pissing in my yellow drink.

Joe. Joe Caputo here.

Hi. Hello, Mr. Caputo.

Ah, yes, hi. Is this Mary
from Get Ahead Head Hunters?

This is about Tasha Jefferson.

Who is this?

She didn't do it.

Look into the stormtroopers.

The hell does that even mean?

Come on, man. Look into the
assholes that came into the prison

with the guns and the
Terminator attitudes.

They ain't telling the truth.

How did...

How's the Chocolate Chip Nookie?

I'm not gonna lie. It's a little chalky.

You know not eating causes your brain
to break down its own neurons?

Hey, Luschek, my man!

You guys still doing the shakes?

You know not eating makes
you stupid, right?

I literally just said that.

Yeah, it's all in the delivery.

Well, your commish isn't actually
delivering much of anything.

He hasn't updated the Fantasy
Inmate app in eight days.

Relax. This place is a ghost town.
There's nothing happening.

I clocked a lesbian encounter two
days ago. Every point counts.

Oh. Who was it?

It was Daddy and Diaz. Daddy's mine.

I'm bored just spanking it
out to those two anyways.

Christ, Stefanovic, how
many times I gotta tell you

to respect my girlfriend's daughter?

Sorry, boss. I keep forgetting.
It's just weird, you know?

You know she killed Humps. And
now you're humping her mother.

It's not weird. Her mother
is crazy smokin' hot.

You guys, this is important.

Points are extremely hard to come
by in the current peaceful climate.

So when they are achieved,
they need to be tallied.

Therefore, I've taken the liberty

of updating everyone's current status.

Luschek, all you have to do is input
these numbers into your system.

You're the only one who has any points.

We need to reinstate mixed
yard time, for serious.

Trust me, I would love to, but Fig
gives the orders and I follow.

Well, actually, I kinda
have a loophole for that.

I was gonna tell you guys
at happy hour, but...

What? You guys go to happy hour?

What if we fix the old field

and have ourselves an inter-block
kickball championship?

Oh, this could be a disaster.

I know. Yeah. And I got
six girls playing, too.

A punch here, a hair-pull
there. Ka-ching!

I love the initiative.
Run with it, buddy.

Well, actually, I was kinda
hoping somebody else could do it.

I'm sort of swamped
with other Rec stuff.

Why don't you cancel that
stupid dance class, you know?

Buy yourself a little extra time.

Nah. That's fine.

The ladies love that class, so...

I can do it.

You all see that? That
is a true humanitarian.

Hey!

Where do you guys go for happy hour?

Hey!

Okay. Badison. All right. Okay.

Hey. So I'm thinking, why don't
we play a round? Have some fun.

This ain't supposed to be fun.
D-Block is coming for us, Gapman.

So you better get back
in there and take a hit.

Ladies, time to pack up.

You're late. D-Block's already waiting.

We the team that is devout!

Exercise those demons out!

God won't pitch what you can't take!

Make those bitches bleed
and ache! One, two.

One, two.

We're gonna need some
performance-enhancing steroids.

- You have any?
- No. You?

What do you think?

I think we're fucked.

Try it. I was going for
a piña colada feel.

Hmm.

It smells like coconut,
but it tastes like soap.

You gotta leave a smidge of
shampoo in there for aroma.

Also for the guards, in case they check.

- Well, aren't you full of tricks.
- When you're gonna die in here,

you learn how to keep
yourself entertained.

Life sentence, huh?

Well, it was 25 years at first.

But you can thank your friend,
Frieda, for the extra 30.

That squealing little rat.

No, no. She got bopped
in the beezer again.

It would just be mean.

If you really wanna be mean, you
should pretend to be nice first.

That's what the Barbs of the
world do. Here, watch this.

Hey, Dweebly Dums, you heard the news?

About the kickball championship?

Maybe I shouldn't be
telling you this, but...

I overheard the guards talking.

Looks like you're getting out
early for good behavior.

Oh, my God! I have to call Pop-Pop!

Thank you so much!

I'm conflicted about
wanton cruelty, but...

it's strangely reinvigorating.

Told you. Sport mindfucking is exciting.

No, I mean... I feel like me.

The last few years, whenever
I needed to defend myself,

or to take justice into my own hands,

everybody got on my case.

Told me to be nicer, to be better.

Evolve, Red, evolve.

Fuck evolve. What about survive?

That's right. People like us,
we gotta say what we mean.

I don't like you, I'll tell you.
And that is worth something.

Not like Barb, who's always
the good girl, the victim.

That's all bullcrap.

Nice people, they're full of shit.

Like human M&M's.

But their insides are
shit, not chocolate.

I have plans. Make Carol do it!

Mom, you already told me
I could go out tonight.

Oh, please. Who are you gonna
go out with, the chess club?

You're not the only person
who has a life here!

- Everybody, shut it.
- I am.

You're both taking care
of Debbie tonight.

But you said we would release
my tadpoles tonight.

We have to meet with Coach Emery

to discuss your transitional training.

You do realize that we're
doing this for you, right?

Now, please, practice your pirouettes

and then go straight to bed.

You two, finish packing. Moving
van gets here at 11:00 tomorrow.

Okay. Well, I'm already done, so...

Haven't separated what's going
in the Salvation Army pile.

The three of you will
be sharing a closet.

What?

Does that mean I have to share a
room with them? Both of them?

You know how much it's
costing us to relocate?

Be grateful you have a bedroom.

Do we get to have bunk beds?

Oh, just shut up, Debbie!

Language!

Well, I'm not going.

Mrs. Howard said I could live with them

for the rest of the semester
and graduate with everyone.

Barbara, does this look like
a La Quinta Inn to you?

Do I look like a goddamn bellhop?

That's right.

You don't get to check in and out
of this family whenever you please.

Yep. Debbie, heels up on the turn

and then point, point, point
your way through the pirouette.

We'll be back by 10:00.

They're such dicks.

My tadpoles are gonna die
if we don't release them.

Okay, nobody gives a fuck
about your tadpoles.

Carol, no! Barb, Barb, do something!

Carol, don't be such a monster.

If she wants to release
her tadpoles tonight,

we should take her.

Hey, babe, can't talk. I'm mid-stakeout.

Okay, please don't use that word.

"Stakeout" or "babe"?

Both. And I said you could look at
the coroner's report, not take it.

I can't make heads or
tails of it anyway.

I need to talk to this Herrmann guy.

And then what? Make a citizen's
arrest based on a prank call?

No. I'm gonna try the dumb
and friendly approach.

See if I can bait him into
saying something incriminating.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

Hey, worked for Columbo.

Okay, putting aside the fact that
Columbo was a fictional character...

A well-rounded and delightfully
written fictional character.

Columbo had a theory to prove.

You, on the other hand, got
nada. Shots in the dark.

Exactly.

And this Herrmann guy may know
who shot what in that darkness.

I mean, look at him.
He even looks shady.

I bet he thinks 'cause he's a cop

he can get away without
paying for his coffee.

Never mind. He just paid.

And he's leaving a tip.

Whatever. He still looks shady.

I gotta go.

Oh, well...

Hey, man. Or should I say, Herrmann?

Do I know you?

Right, you probably don't recognize
me with actual clothes on.

And I shaved the mustache.

But it's me, Caputo.
Former Litchfield warden?

Oh. Yeah.

You come here often? I
just... I love this place.

The place is shit.

But the chick that works
here? Totally bangable.

She's really bangable.

I mean, hey, I'm not gonna bang her,

but I really hope you get to.

Okay. Well, have a good one.

Uh, wait. Uh...

You know what? It's a
relief to see people

that went through what we went
through, you know? It's...

It's like we're comrades in arms.
That night was so intense and...

It was violent.

Didn't you spend it sitting
in an air-conditioned RV unit

- with those two chicks?
- True.

But I was with you in spirit, you know?

And plus, I was the one who told
you guys about the pool, remember?

Yeah. Well, thanks.

Hey, listen, um...

When you went in that night, where
did you first see Desi Piscatella?

What are you doing? You trying
to interrogate me or something?

No.

Uh...

I'm just trying to understand
what went on in there.

- I mean, for me, I'm...
- You come near me again

and I'll get a restraining order.

Just one more thing...

Eight-three-zero-two-eight.

And how do I link it to
my debit card again?

My God, I have to explain
this every time?

It ain't my fault this shit's
so complicated.

What the hell happened to
cash while I was away?

I don't know, but you
better get used to it.

Orders are flowing.

Matter of fact, we
need you to pack more.

Are you crazy? You wanna get caught?

Besides, those lids are packed tighter

than my asshole on Christmas morning.

You stuck something up
your butt on Christmas?

Butt sex was on top of
Cesar's wish list, okay?

We all honor the birth of
baby Jesus in our own way.

Aleida, honey, I'm still waiting
on that tea you offered!

That's because I didn't fucking offer!

Who's that?

Hopper's Nana. But don't worry,

I got that passive-aggressive
old bag taken care of.

Look. Cesar's already
acting like a little bitch

about what he's selling us. I
don't think he'll do more.

What does Cesar care?

He's sitting in prison doing nothing
and he's still getting his cut.

Well, let's just say he ain't too happy

about me smuggling the
shit in through Hopper.

He has no right to be jealous.

He stuck his dick into
anything that jiggled his way.

And don't your jiggly ass know it.

Anyway, now he's all like,

"At least I ain't fucking no guard

and swallowing his
little guard swimmers."

And I had to be like,

"Yo, don't you remember, pendejo,
I don't fucking swallow."

Ugh. Just... Please, stop. You
wanna get the kids back or no?

Honey, why won't my door open?

Aleida, honey!

Aleida!

- You know what?
- Open this damn door.

Maybe I could squeeze a
couple more grams in.

Aleida! Aleida, let me out!

I didn't want her to, but I
didn't want her to have my...

Hey, uh, can you give us a sec?

Should I put a sock on the door?

What do you want?

Haven't seen you in class.

Bet you miss someone
doing your job for you.

Come on, Mendoza.

You were a great inmate
instructor. You were having fun.

It's all fun and games

until someone offers to
shiv out your thyroid.

Wait. That happened?

Hmm. No. You don't get to act surprised.

I told you that these
bitches were out of control

and you didn't do shit.

You're right.

I should've done more. I'm sorry.

But I think I know a
way to help you now.

Like, for real this time. Scout's honor.

You and I both know you weren't a Scout.

And if you had been, all
you would have gotten

is a "Pitching a Tent
in Your Pants" badge.

I kinda miss you making
me feel like shit.

Yeah, me too.

- Bye.
- Okay, yeah. Good talk, though.

Mmm-hmm.

Fuck.

I don't know.

This doesn't look like the best
place to recruit athletes.

We need to look under every rock.

Even the old and disabled rocks.

Uh, your, uh... camp
friends are waving at you.

Well, friends might be a
stretch, but here goes.

Ladies.

Heya.

Don't talk to her. She
might not come in peace.

Oh, no, but I do.

In fact, I have an offer for
some extra outdoor time

in the form of a fantastic
game of kickball.

Do either of you play?

- Is that like kick the can?
- Not at all.

Whatever. Anything to get out of here.

I swear, every seat I touch is
smeared in menthol or pudding.

At least, I hope it's pudding.

There you go.

Hey, how's Baby Dix?

It's not safe to talk
about Baby Dix here.

I meant the bear.

I know what you meant.

Why are you being so weird?
No one even knows, you know.

I know. I just can't help but feeling
like everybody's looking at us.

No one's looking at us. Trust me.

They haven't gotten their glasses
fixed since, like, 1972.

And that one right there? See her?

She thinks I'm the robot
girl from Small Wonder.

Huh! I could see that.

Hey. I'm proud of you for leaving him.

You did leave him, right?
He's alive somewhere?

Yeah, he's alive. Somewhere.

Sometimes I wish we could've
just kept on going.

Being back here? Not so great.

Yeah. Tell me about it.

I don't do outdoors. Real or fake.

Wait, you don't go out into the yard?

Once was enough for me.

But you used to love that. Remember?

You used to chase me around the track?

Yes. I remember, Dandelion,
but things have changed.

- Oh.
- I know not to trust people anymore.

And even though I still love you,
because I will always love you,

I will not let you kill
me to take my spot.

Suzanne... I'm not gonna
hurt you in any way.

I promise.

And I'm certainly not interested
in taking your place here.

I live next door to Alex now.

This place is so confusing.

Well, first, my friends
become not my friends.

And then I'm given a color
that other colors wanna fight,

and it's not the kind of color-fighting
that has to do with race.

But it's also not the color-fighting

that has to do with washable paints.

So what kind of fighting is it?

You don't have to worry about colors.

Blues and khakis have
beef with each other,

but not with any of you.

Pinks are safe out there.

- Really?
- Mmm.

Wait.

Even for new recruits?

You know what I think?

I think that fresh air and exercise

help to clear the mind.

But technically, he didn't
say anything incriminating.

It's not what he said.
It was his attitude.

Well, what would your attitude be

if someone came to your
preferred coffee shop

and started asking you
questions about a dead guy?

Oh, I don't know. Helpful?

You are so naive.

No, I am not. Everybody
else is being naive.

There's something fishy here.

- Then tell the investigators.
- I did.

- And?
- They told me to fuck off.

Why are we making the bed
before sleeping in it, anyway?

'Cause you couldn't be
bothered to do it earlier.

Well, I had a busy afternoon, okay?

Had to meet with Taystee's lawyer.

The trial's next week

and they need to find a medical examiner

that can figure out what CERT is hiding.

Stop. I cannot hear any of this.

You know it's a conflict of interest.

I'm asking you to take off
your warden hat for a minute

and put on your girlfriend hat.

Did you just say "girlfriend"?

You're missing the point.

Fine. What did Taystee's lawyer say?

She told me to stop tampering
with the witnesses.

No kidding. You're gonna Columbo
yourself right into a mistrial.

You have any idea how it's gonna look

if those guys testify against her?

Who's the jury gonna believe?
Look, I know Taystee didn't do it.

And I know you know. Tell me you know.

You wanna make a difference, Joe?

Let the lawyers do their job
and join the PR front instead.

People will listen to the former warden.
Flip the script.

Change the conversation from whether
or not Jefferson's a murderer

to whether or not MCC's negligence
incited the riot to begin with.

Wait. Is the warden really telling
me to shit on her prison?

Interim warden.

And just so we're clear, I'm
not that kind of girlfriend

who's gonna sacrifice her
career for your happiness.

I am just saying all
this to fuck with Linda.

You are my girlfriend.

- You are so my girlfriend.
- Shut up. Shut up.

- Shut up. Shut up.
- You are so my girlfriend!

Hey, thanks for swapping me out.

Don't mention it. Like, seriously.

Nicky, this is a nice surprise.

You look good as a blonde. What
am I supposed to call you now?

Gorgeous. Let me look at you.
Are you wearing eye makeup?

Nah. So, the mauve is more of a
leftover bruise than a shadow.

- What happened?
- I can't talk much.

Don't feel like adding
more mauve to my face.

Is it the women in your block?
Is it the guards?

It's your friend Carol
and her fucking armada.

Don't be ridiculous.

You know what's ridiculous?

Me getting my face slammed in by
a bunch of outdated law books

for helping Eyebrows get
artificially inseminated.

Your mouth is making words
that I can't understand.

But it doesn't matter.

This must be Madison's doing.

Jesus. She's like that
idiot, Chevy Chase,

from those Chevy Chase films.

What's so funny about always
fucking everything up?

Sometimes it's like
we're not even related.

Look, Carol's my friend.

I'll make sure her girls
never mess with you again.

Women like Carol aren't
looking to be your friend.

They're looking to use you.
It's how they stay on top.

Don't lecture me about leaders
using their people, Nicky.

I learned that way back when I was
a kid from the Komsomol bosses.

But you know what else I've learned?

To trust people who are real.
And Carol is real.

Okay, so you trust a woman who
tried to kill her own sister?

Jesus! That was decades ago.

Oh. And the other one, last month.

Fake news. And all because
Barb has to play the victim.

She can't own up to the fact that

she's a junkie who did it to herself.

That wasn't an overdose.
Somebody laced her shit.

I was there when they brought
Barb into medical. I saw it.

Trust me, I would've heard about it

if Carol was making a move on Barb.

Listen to you! Jesus!

Is this some kind of Stockholm syndrome

or you're cut from the same cloth?

You're the one defending Barb
like a good little minion.

At least she's trying to
become a better person, Red.

Maybe before you go judging others,

you take a good hard look at yourself.

I'm not in the mood to freeze my
nuts off, so I'm gonna stay here.

Come on, Debbie.

You know, I'm real sorry about the move.

I told Mom I don't want to go either,
but they don't care what I want.

You don't wanna go?

No. I like Coach Emery.

And I heard this girl talking
about how the coaches at Trudy's

give the girls rubdowns after the meets.
Like, everywhere.

Ugh.

Thanks for bringing me, Barb.

You know they're just
gonna freeze, right?

No. They're wintering tadpoles,
so they go into hibernation.

You know what? You're not so bad, kid.

Carol! No! Wait!

Get in the car, Debbie! Hurry!
Lock the doors!

Let go!

There's no button. There's no button.

I can't get out.

Let me out!

Barb, what are you doing?

Barb.

Barb, what are you doing?

- Barb, please!
- I don't know what happened, Mommy.

I told Debbie to stay in the car.

Maybe she accidentally put the
car in drive or something?

You know how much she liked
to pretend-drive with Daddy.

Please! Please!

Carol! Please!

You're really gonna stick
the landing this time, kid!

Help me! Please, Barb!
No, no, no, no, no!

Please, help me! Please,
help, help, help!

- Where are you taking me?
- Hawaii. What do you think?

Sorry. Drinking my meals makes
me cranky. I miss chewing.

You're getting transferred to D-Block.

You're lucky you have a
friend in high places.

And clearly he was high when
he came up with this shit.

Listen, those girls are
gonna eat me alive.

Tell him thanks, but no thanks.

Yeah, I already filled out
all the paperwork. So, no.

You lost your way, little lamb?

I just got transferred here, okay?
I don't want any trouble.

Well, that's convenient.

Well, actually, no. But you
see, those C-Block bitches,

they wanted to kick my
ass back to Puerto Rico,

and there's still no
electricity there, so...

Just think of me as a friendly refugee.

Mmm-mmm.

Oh, my God!

Daya!

Hey, you know her?

You kidding? This is Gloria.

Oh, shit, my bad.

Little lady's been telling
me all about you.

Lucky you.

Now you got your prison
mommy and your prison daddy

all in the same block.

Yo, come sit with me.

You two, get up. This table's taken.

You... You see how I'm dismissed?

One day, I will once again walk
tall with a machete in my hand

and then I will sit where I please.

Yo, I haven't seen you in forever.

Yeah. It must be forever 'cause
shit sure has changed, huh?

So I'm guessing you're top dog now?

It's eat or be eaten. I chose both.

You think this shit is funny?

Oh, no. Don't tell me you're gonna
be all judgy and shit about it.

She's fun.

Oh, no, yeah, she... She
seems like a real treat.

You never heard "gay for the stay"?

'Cause I'm gonna stay in here forever.

I'm not gonna lock up my box
for the rest of my life.

I don't give a shit who you
unlocking your box for.

I'm talking about you being high.

- I'm not high.
- The fuck you're not!

Your pupils are as wide
as fucking frying pans.

Pupils get like this when
you're in withdrawal.

Oh, well, that's good to hear.

So you're doing so many drugs you
actually going through withdrawal?

God.

Fuck. Why?

Shit. Why not?

- Go, go, go!
- Yes! Yes! Yes!

Out!

Dude! Fuckin' hit me in
my ass with the ball!

That's allowed in kickball.
It's in the rules. You're out.

Eat shit, Gimpy.

Nicely done on the awesome
Florida recruits, Gapman.

All right. Okay.

The pitcher must have
at least one foot on

or behind the pitching
strip at all times.

Wow.

Okay.

Way to go, Suzanne!

All right, switch out!
Switch out, come on.

I wanna pitch.

No. Shruti's pitching.
Oh, and also, you suck.

Once I caught a baby
falling out of a tree.

- Why not give Doggett a shot?
- 'Cause I fucking said so.

Well, last we fuckin'
checked, Chapman was captain.

- She should be.
- Certainly fuckin' acts like it.

Well, it does seem that
Chapman has the skill set

and leadership qualities.

Everyone, shut the fuck up!

Nah, nah. Nah, it's cool.

It's cool. I think they're
right. Uh, we, uh...

We should vote for who's captain.

Let's see how popular you
really are, Chapman.

You're saying that like it's an insult,

but really, that's just
how you say my name.

Anyone who recognizes Badison as
our one true leader, say aye.

Aye!

Anyone who's not crazy and
actually wants to win,

and recognizes Chapman as our one
true captain and leader, say aye.

Aye!

This is bullshit. Fuckin'
Florida always messes the vote.

All right, Doggett.
Let's see what you got.

You know, I read the
ingredients in that stuff.

It's all just crushed up
cartilage and casein.

Casein is an ancient superfood
in a modern packaging.

We're out, Hopper.

Ginger, you scoop the last
scoop, you throw it out.

Like, if you use the last of the
toilet paper, you change the roll.

It's common courtesy. Civil contract.

Sounds like someone's
having roommate issues.

No. Besides the TP thing and
the abusing Nana thing,

my roommate is searing perfection.

Good on you, Hopper. I'm glad
you finally found someone.

It gets wearisome after a while,
seeing virile young men like yourself

not able to connect with
someone from the opposite sex.

To sustain a successful relationship,

you need to accept each
other's faults, you know?

And love each other anyway.

And to see a stubborn goat like you

break through your inner walls
of self-protection and judgment,

to really create a
meaningful connection?

Almost feels like there's
hope for the rest of us.

See you tomorrow, Romeo.

Well, how was it?

That's gonna give you an ear infection.

Just because we live together, does
not mean I have to listen to you.

Ah.

This is how it starts, isn't it?
First, they turn you against...

They?

Funny, I have never met "they."

Though I have met quite an array
of people since being here.

Um, there's the drug-running kind,

the robbering kind,
the tax-evading kind.

There is the
lying-behind-your-back kind,

the liar-liar-pants-on-fire kind,

the kind that locks the princess in
the tower for no good reason kind.

So many people, but "they"?

Yeah. I still don't know what
kind of people "they" are.

The killing kind.

No one has tried to kill me today.

So...

Look... I'm sorry I tried to
Flowers in The Attic you.

That was wrong, and you're right.

They don't wanna kill you.
It's me they're after.

Guess I was afraid they'd
figure out how to turn you.

Turn?

Me? Against you?

Well... you are my roommate

and you are susceptible.

No, I am not susceptible! I am not!

I am your friend.

Navigating adult female
friendships is so complicated.

I hear you, sister.

Okay...

I promise I will let you know if
someone asks me to murder you.

In fact, I could even be
your spy on the outside.

No, I spy with my little eye...

Who are we looking for again,
and why do they wanna kill you?

You ever heard of the
Little Debbie Murderers?

Carol and Barb?

This was my claim to fame when I
was waitressing at Domingo's.

Here we go. Barbie always has
to be the center of attention.

She puts a round piece of plastic
and sticks it up against the lid.

Carol, you ruin all the fun.

Mmm.

Speaking of Domingo's,
I got a story for ya.

So it's post-game on a Friday,
right? And our high school won

and everyone goes to Domingo's after
the game, especially if you win.

So the place is packed,
everybody's celebrating.

It's the whole fuckin' town, and
in the middle of the chaos,

this guy at one of my tables
asks me for the classifieds.

And I'm like, "Now?"

But I like his mustache, and he
looks like he's a good tipper.

So I go out to the parking lot

and I buy the paper
and I bring it to him,

and you know what he says?

He's like, "Miss, why are you
bringing me the classifieds?

I asked for a glass of ice."

Great story, Carol. Except, uh,
that actually happened to me.

- No, it didn't.
- Yeah, it did.

You know, life happens to
other people, too, Barb.

Besides, you weren't
waiting tables that night.

Exactly. 'Cause I was working the bar,

and that's where he was
when he asked for the ice.

Which makes sense, because
you order ice at the bar.

Well, I remember going
out to get the paper

because I had to get change for it.

And it was so fuckin' cold, I was
freezing my fuckin' tits off.

Now I know you're lying
because you never had tits.

Sounded to me like it was Carol's story.
What do you think?

I think we should walk away before
we get caught up in their nonsense.

Why do you always do this?

Do what? Call out your bullcrap?

Bull-true!

What?

Nothing. Just... You do like
to exaggerate. So, you know...

Guess she agrees with me.

- I'll fuckin' kill you!
- Carol, get off!

Got so bad, they put
them in separate blocks.

Hmm.

And from there, those two started
turning us against one another.

They expected us to buy into
their fight. Take sides.

I wasn't gonna die over
some stupid story.

Oh, uh...

I swiped this for you on
my C-Block run today.

Yes! That's my girl.

Thank you. Come on. Sit, Nicky.

Nah. Yeah, I should go.

Barb, I think she's right.

Relax, Daddy-O. Nicky's family.

Sit.

Actually, I could use
your brain on this one.

Mmm-hmm.

So, I have finally found
a way to get Carol.

We're gonna do it while she's
getting that bird's nest

on her head trimmed.

The problem is, the hair clippers,
they don't go deep enough.

- The scissors are dull...
- Man.

... so we need some options.

Now personally, I prefer a
heavy, blunt object, okay?

But shivs are easier to hide.

And considering all the other
girls that are gonna be in there,

we need a few weapons handy.
What do you think?

I... Look, Barb, you can't do this.

They're gonna throw you in the SHU.

Not if we grease the right palms.

Look, Barb, I'm telling you
that this is too dangerous.

Nicky, honey, I have no choice.

You saw what she did to
me. She will try it again.

There's gotta be another way.

Oh, what? What, you don't approve?

Do you think I'm some kind of monster?

Come on. Of course not.
All right? I just...

I'm concerned, that's all.

You know, in a weird way, this
is all thanks to you, Nicky.

You helped me get sober.

I feel like I've...

I feel like I've woken
from a long sleep.

Like the world is flush
with possibilities now.

Ah. You're welcome.

- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
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