Original subtitles

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- Welcome to "Good Talk with Anthony Jeselnik,"

where the only rules are union rules.

I run a loose ship. You'll figure it out.

My guest tonight is esteemed comedian,

actor, writer, and most impressive of all,

my friend, Tig Notaro.

Tig, thank you for being here tonight.

- It's my pleasure, Anthony.

- You pander to the audience

less than any comedian I think I've ever seen.

Why? - Do you think you pander?

- No. It's like, you, and then me.

- Mm-hmm. - In terms of pandering.

- Mm-hmm. - Like, have you ever

been afraid on stage? - Yes.

- When? - I was in Ireland once,

and the audience was saying

that they hated me and that I was ugly.

And I was trapped in a corner on stage,

and so, I was a little scared.

- How'd you get out of it? - I just bummed.

- Mm-hmm. - For a half hour.

- Yeah, I don't mind that.

- And then, I went and sat next to the stage

in the audience when the other comedian went up

and watched the other comedian

when I really wanted to run out.

But I wanted the audience to think I was okay,

so I was, like...

[laughter]

And the whole time, I was, like, "oh, God, oh, God.

Help me."

- If you're bombing, do you ever have a plan B?

- Well, if I'm bombing-- - Mm-hmm.

- My plan B, which is also my plan A,

is to be really amused by it.

I find it pretty amusing. - You like bombing?

- I don't like bombing, but if it happens,

I really can take a moment and go,

"This is hilarious." - Yeah.

- Um, I went to Florida

to get ready for my special a few years ago,

and I should have known something was off,

because they had a picture of me saying,

"Tig Notaro, tonight, from 'Garfunkel and Oates.'"

From the TV show. - Yeah.

- I made a maybe 30-second appearance.

And so obviously, somebody in the office

did a quick Google.

And they gave it as my one credit.

And then, I went on stage, and I bombed.

And then, I just kind of came out of the moment and said,

"Does nobody in this room find it hilarious

"that, um--that I flew here,

and nobody's recognizing what I'm doing as humorous?"

And then I sat down at table with some people,

and talked to them.

- And did that turn it around, or you just kept on bombing?

- It turned it around. I went back onstage.

And for some reason, things started to work.

- They probably just saw, you know,

"Garfunkel and Oates" as your credit,

and then, weren't expecting comedy.

- Probably.

- That's a slam on a dear, dear friend of mine.

- You're only friends with one? - Yes.

- Which one? - The blonde.

- The blonde. - How important

are LPMs to you?

Laughs per minute.

- Obviously, not very important.

- No, no. - I mean--

- Have you ever gone through your set

to see how many LPMs you get?

[laughter]

- No. - You should, it's fun.

I'm up to six.

- There's no way. - Yeah.

- There is no way. - Six LPMs.

- Can I see what's on that paper?

[laughter]

- Tig, what was more satisfying for you?

Dropping out of high school in the ninth grade,

or later on, when you achieved your GED?

- Well...

[laughter]

- You seem really off-guard.

- Well, I've never been invited to something

and have a car service sent,

and have hair and make-up on me,

and then, been yelled at.

I feel like I'm in the principal's office right now.

- Because of all the pipes?

- And the books. And the globes.

[laughter]

Where's the camera? - Over your shoulder.

Turn around.

But now that I have you warmed up--

- Yeah. - Let's get to some good stuff.

What do you think makes me such a great comedian?

- Hm...

I think--no one cares!

[laughter]

- Was that an impression of the "who cares" thing?

You've been very outspoken about the MeToo movement.

Do you do any celebrity impressions?

- Um, I do. - Give me one.

- Well, it's weird, because it's two people at once.

- Okay. - When I do it,

I don't know if it's Larry David or Joan Rivers.

- Very similar, I can see

how you would bleed those lines together.

Can we see a little bit of it?

- Well, can you ask me a question or something?

- What would it be like

if Joan Rivers and Larry David had a baby?

[strained voice] - I don't know!

[stammers]

That's all.

Am I Larry? Am I Joan?

[grunts]

- And-- - [grunts]

- How long have you been working on that?

- Well, I moved to Hollywood with that impression.

- Mm-hmm. - From North Hollywood.

[strained voice] Yes!

[laughter]

- When you take on acting roles,

you're always playing, like, a version of yourself.

- No, no, no, no, no, no.

These are all very different characters.

- Yeah, how's that? - These are all

very different characters.

You know, I'm in "Star Trek" right now.

- Mm-hmm. - Tig in space.

- Okay. - Okay?

I was on "The Sarah Silverman Program."

- What was your character's name on that?

- Tig. - Mm.

- Officer Tig. I was in law enforcement.

And then, I had my own show.

- What was your name on that show?

- Tig.

- And you were completely different.

- Right, I was not in space. - You were on Earth.

What's your character's name on--on "Star Trek?"

- Jett Reno. - Could the writers have

possibly come up with a more lesbian name for the character?

- Well, you know, it's funny. I came up with the name.

- I know. Everyone knows.

You have two three-year-old twin sons.

- I do. - If they both wanted

to get into stand-up comedy, would you let them be

like, a twin act, going onstage together,

or would you make them do it separately,

and let the chips fall where they may?

- [exhales]

I think it's important to get more twin acts out there.

- Yeah, what would you call them?

- Twin Act. - Twin Act.

- Mm-hmm, or Doublevision. - Ooh, I like Doublevision.

- One word. - How bad a parent

do you think you would have to be for both of your kids

to get into stand-up comedy? - It is my goal.

- It is your goal to get them into stand-up?

- Yeah, we are trying to get our kids

into Doublevision.

- Into Doublevision? - Mm-hmm.

- I could listen to this all day,

but unfortunately, we have to go to commercial.

Some say advertising's dead, but not here at "Good Talk."

It's like "Mad Men" up in this bitch.

We'll be right back.

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- I have to go to commercial right now, too.

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- Welcome back to "Good Talk."

If you're just joining us, then hit rewind.

I'm here with Tig Notaro,

and she has agreed to "Agree or Disagree."

Tig, I'm going to make a statement about comedy.

You tell me if you agree or disagree.

- All right.

- You should open with your second strongest joke

and close with your best joke. Agree or disagree?

- Well, it depends on where the jokes are in their development.

- I'm going to chalk that up to disagree.

- Because you could take a joke that's weaker

and close with it.

And then, you can force it to become stronger,

because you're closing with it. - Yeah, I've seen your act.

- Is this your plan, is having people on

to figure out how to do comedy?

[laughter]

- I--I feel like you're making this harder than it has to be.

- Next question. - Thank you.

Agree or disagree: Most stand-up sucks.

Like, 95% of it straight-up sucks.

- 99% of it. - 99% of it sucks.

- Is terrible. - Yes.

- It's terrible. - Agree 100%.

Who's your least favorite comedian?

- Okay, I'm going to say this. - We can bleep it if you want.

- Do--no, don't bleep it. - Okay.

- Don't bleep it. - Okay.

- [mouthing words]

- I don't know what you're doing.

You said you were going to say it,

and then, you just mouthed the words with a smile.

Just say the name.

Okay, I got it.

I'm going to move on for my own sanity.

Agree or disagree:

Opening for a music act is a good idea

and fun for both the audience and the performer.

- Disagree.

- Have you ever had a good time opening for a band?

- Yeah. - Like, had a good set.

- Yeah. - What band?

- I toured with Jens Lekman. Uh--

- What?

[laughter]

Is Jens Lekman one person or a lot of Jewish people?

- He's from Sweden. - He's from Sweden.

- I once opened for a band where I didn't know the band.

I just got booked to, like, open for this band.

- What were they called? - I believe Le Rev.

- Mm-hmm. - And I'm doing my set--

- Congrats on that booking, by the way.

- Thank you. This was 12 years ago.

- 12 years ago today? - Today.

This is the anniversary.

And I'm getting heckled by a table in the back

the entire--I can't even get through a set-up

without them screaming at me.

- Those Le Rev fans are...

- And then, I finished my set. - Yeah.

- I'm furious. I introduced the band,

and the table of people who were heckling me

get up, walk on stage, pat me on the back,

say "good job," and then pick up their instruments

and begin to play.

It was the band. It was La Rev.

- No, I totally followed that story.

- It was the musicians I was opening for

who were heckling me.

- Are your agents still, like,

"Come on, one more La Rev show."

- They do--they do ask about it every so often,

especially on the anniversary.

- Well, I want to put it out there.

I don't know where the camera is because I'm new to the biz,

but I would love to open for La Rev.

If you're still out there, and you need someone...

[laughter]

La Rev?

- Agree or disagree:

Every great comedian should have a catchphrase.

- Oh, I think it's very important.

- What's your catchphrase? - Um, my catchphrase is, um--

"I can't make this stuff up!"

[laughter]

That's a good one. - I started doing that,

and then, I switched to,

"Folks, I can make this stuff up."

[laughter]

- Do you remember my catchphrase?

- "I'll strangle you?" - Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Agree or disagree: My hair is better than yours.

- Oof, I do not like your hair. - Why not?

- It's just-- it's, like, really short,

and then, there's like, an ocean wave in the front.

- Yeah. It's my trademark.

- I like your beard. - Thank you.

- But I do not like your haircut.

- Do you like my beard better than your haircut?

- If I could put your beard on me, I would do it.

But I really think your hair looks very bad.

- Like, bad on me, or just anyone who had this haircut

wouldn't be able to pull it off?

- Well, turn to the side. Let me see.

And then, the other side.

Yeah, I just don't like it. - You just don't--not a fan?

- When we were in hair and make-up,

I noticed it right away,

and I actually thought it was a bit you were doing.

[laughter]

- Okay, that was "Agree or Disagree."

Thank you for making it as painless as you possibly could.

Tig, you're often described

as the most deadpan comedian in the world.

And as a male comedian, that statement threatens me.

So I want to have a deadpan-off with you right now.

We've got some cards in front of you.

Pick one up. Read the statement

as deadpan as you possibly can,

and we'll see which one of us is more deadpan.

Are you ready? - I--I'm too happy, and like--

- You seem happy. Let's see if you can do it.

- I can't.

[laughter]

- Go ahead.

- "I can do all things through Christ,

who strengthens me."

- Okay, you made it through without stumbling on the words

or without breaking. That's good.

- Right. - That's the whole game.

- "Today's good mood is sponsored by coffee."

- "Your ass is grass and I'm the lawn mower, butt breath."

[laughter]

- "If this house is a rockin'

"don't bother knockin' on my van.

"I'm having sex in there.

I don't know what's wrong with my house."

- "I'll take you to the candy shop.

"I'll let you lick the lollipop.

Go 'head girl, don't you stop."

- "You can pry my guns from my cold dead hands

after you get your hands off me, you damn dirty apes."

- Okay, I break right now, because this is actually true.

"Cowboy butts drive me nuts."

[laughter]

- That's your kryptonite? It's true?

- Yes, sir.

[laughter]

- Did you hit the camera? - I did.

- That was really good. That's going to be

in the promos.

You know what, Tig? You're not the most

deadpan comedian in the world. I am.

- I hope that's still a stack of deadpan--

- All of these were just-- that's the show?

That's all we do? - Where you just keep going.

You're handsome, Anthony. You're handsome.

- So are you, Tig.

Tig and I are going to go to the bathroom,

but we'll be right back.

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- And the cameras are back on.

I'm here with Tig Notaro, currently married with kids.

Tig, it's time for "Finish the Joke."

all: "Finish the Joke!"

- I'm going to show you the set-up of a comedian's joke,

and you're going to tell me how they finish the joke.

all: "Finish the Joke!" - So basically,

I'll give you the set-up, and you finish the punchline.

all: "Finish the Joke!" - You ready?

- Why weren't they here the whole time?

- They've been here the whole time just waiting to do that.

- But why weren't they chiming in?

- Because I didn't say "finish the joke."

all: "Finish the Joke!"

- Whenever I say "finish the joke"--

all: "Finish the Joke!" - They repeat it.

- Right, but it'd be so great if after everything

you said, they repeated it.

- I think it's funny if they only repeat "finish the joke."

all: "Finish the Joke!" - And only when I say it.

Like, if you said "finish the joke--"

both: "Finish the Joke." - Then they wouldn't do it.

- They're petering out. - Yes.

They weren't ready for this. - Yeah.

- This is all improvisation.

Let's see if we can finish the joke--

all: "Finish the Joke!"

- With Myq Kaplan-- - Okay.

- From "Live At Gotham."

- I was at a Chinese restaurant recently

and I was thinking about how a small duck

is called a duckling, and I cancelled my order of--

- What did he cancel his order of?

- I know Myq is a vegan.

He must have cancelled his order of...

chickens.

[laughter]

- You think that this joke ends with him saying "chickens?"

- I think he says "chickens." - Let's see how wrong Tig is.

- And I cancelled my order of dumplings.

[laughter]

- Chicken dumplings. - No, no.

You don't get any credit for that.

But that was "Finish the Joke." - So--

all: "Finish the Joke!" - Was he making a joke

that these are small dumps? - Yes.

- That's good. - It was good.

I can't believe you didn't get it.

- I do get it. - Do you?

- And that's how I respond to all comedy.

I do get it.

[laughter]

- You must be great in meetings.

- And it shows when you're doing your--

your stand-up, you hear in the audience, "I do get it!"

[laughter]

- Tig, is it fair to say that your favorite comedian

of all time, maybe one of your biggest influences,

is Michael Winslow from the "Police Academy" movies?

- That's fair. - I know he certainly

had an influence on me

and everything that I've done comedically.

- That's clear. - I'm going to play you

a sound effect right now, and you tell me

if it's the actual sound or Michael Winslow

from the movie "Police Academy."

Are you ready? - Yeah.

But you do know I do sound effects?

- Of course. - Okay.

- That's why you're here.

- [honks]

- Tig, is this a helicopter,

or the guy from "Police Academy?"

[rapid thumping]

- That was a helicopter.

- That was the guy from "Police Academy."

- Oh, didn't see that coming. - That was Michael Winslow.

[laughter]

- He's so good. - [honks]

[laughter]

- That's the second time you've done that.

Is that a bike horn, or, like, a clown horn?

- It's any kind of horn that you want it to be.

- Mm. - [honks]

Let's go to a clip where there's a horn.

- Yeah, do not have that-- - [honks]

- We're saving that.

Is this an actual UFO, unidentified flying object,

or is it Michael Winslow from the movie, "Police Academy?"

[rhythmic whooshing]

What do you think, Tig? - It's a UFO.

- It's a real UFO? - Yeah.

- Nope, it's the guy from "Police Academy."

Have you seen the movie "Police Academy?"

- I have not. - You should.

- [squeaks] - It's from 30 years ago.

- Today? - Yes.

- We have a lot to celebrate today, don't we?

- Yeah. - Lot of anniversaries.

- You know how we're going to celebrate?

- No. - With that horn.

- Which horn?

[laughter]

- Last one, Tig. Is this a horse--

- Or a helicopter. - Or is it Michael Winslow

from "Police Academy?"

[high-pitched neigh]

- It has to be a horse.

- It's Michael Winslow from every single

"Police Academy" movie, even the one in Russia.

We'll be back with the D block

that makes other D blocks look like a rehearsal.

But first, Comedy Central let me screw around

with their comedy library, and we found a pattern.

- I look like Ernie from "Sesame Street."

- I look like nachos and cock-fighting.

- People tell me I look like a white Chris Rock.

- And they say, "Vargas, why do you look like

a broke-ass Lenny Kravitz?"

- I look like I was made at Build-A-Bear.

- I want to apologize up top

for looking like an Indian Ellen DeGeneres.

- I look like a lesbian

before lesbians even knew what the look was.

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- And now, we've come to the end of the show,

and I'd like to use it to showcase a comedian

who is no longer with us,

in a segment we call "Make God Laugh."

Tig, is it accurate to say that your mentor and best friend

was the comedian Bernie Mac?

- Yes. - Yeah.

- Let's take a look at Bernie Mac

doing what he does best, from HBO's Def Comedy Jam.

[cheers and applause]

- I'm big-bone-ded. I'm heavy-structured.

I'm hung low. If I pull my shit out,

this whole room get dark. Kick it!

[bad beatboxing]

- We couldn't get the rights to the music,

so that was me doing that.

Tig, how did Bernie Mac affect your comedy?

- You know, when I first had fears about getting onstage,

he called me at my house, and he just said,

"There's nothing to be afraid of.

You got what it takes, kid."

He gave me some advice on wardrobe and stage presence,

and he pretty much came to every show of mine

for the first seven years.

- How long ago was that, that he made that phone call?

- He made that phone call in 2009.

- Ten years ago today? - Yeah.

A year after he passed. - Unbelievable.

Tig, thank you again for being my guest tonight

and opening up as much as you did.

I have to say, you are hilarious

and absolutely singular.

You can catch Tig at the 10th Anniversary Bentzen Ball

this fall, and on her new talk show,

"Under a Rock with Tig Notaro,"

which can be currently found online.

And, until next time, good talk.

Thank you for being here.

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