Original subtitles

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- Welcome to "Good Talk with Anthony Jeselnik."

I wanted to call it "The Jeselnik Inquisition,"

but the network thought that would be too smart

for their audience, and hey, it was tough to argue.

My guest tonight is the incomparable Kristen Schaal.

- Hello!

- You're supposed to be nodding.

- [gasps]

- Kristen, thank you so much for being here.

Do you remember where we met?

Was it New York or was it the Aspen Comedy Festival?

- My first memory of you is New York City.

We were filming our half-hour Comedy Central specials.

It was you, me, and John Mulaney,

and you were nice.

- I was, okay. So you've got a foggy memory.

We did meet at the Aspen Comedy Festival.

That was before the half-hour,

where you won Best Alternative Comedian.

- Yeah. - And I was, like, what?

- Yeah, I guess I was so busy winning,

that I don't really remember you.

- Yeah, yeah.

You won Best Alternative Comedian,

which I think was an award they invented that year--

- For me. - Just to piss me off.

- I think they just invented it

because I blew everyone's minds so much.

- Because of how alternative you were as--

- Yeah, alternative's gonna come back,

just like Nirvana.

Wasn't Nirvana alternative?

- I got some bad news for you about Nirvana.

[laughter]

Kirk Cobain is dead. - But you could have a--

- A heart attack, I think.

- Oh, was it a heart attack to his guts?

- Mm-hmm, yeah. - Oh.

- Yeah, do you think that if I had won

Best Alternative Comedian that year instead of you,

that I would be a guest on your show?

- I'm wondering what you think

is alternative about your comedy.

- In that it's just different.

- In that it just follows a typical stand-up format

and you never play with the rules of comedy or stand-up.

- I think I'm--I'm on the verge of alternative.

You know what I mean? - Uh-huh.

- Like, if alternative was a high school--

- Yeah. - I'd still be alternative,

but I'm one of the jocks in the alternative high school.

You know what I mean? Where as you'd be,

like, playing a clarinet.

- Yeah. Um...

all right, but did-- I was trying to remember

again if you won at the Aspen Comedy Festival.

- No, I didn't.

I'm going to move on for the sake of ratings.

Um-- - Yes.

- Kristen, your Twitter bio says comedian, actress, writer.

Why that order?

- Well, I guess because when I started that Twitter account,

I was doing comedy the most, stand-up.

Um, because I think I started it in 2009.

But what I really wanted to be was an actress.

And I was doing just a little bit of that.

And then, I just added writer.

- Yeah, just to, like, throw people off?

- Just because it makes you seem smarter.

- Have you ever-- - I do have--

- Written anything? - A published book, yes.

- You do? - I wrote it with my husband,

Rich Blomquist, and it's called "The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex,"

and it is out of print,

and they will not be making more copies.

- I--I would love to read it. - Yeah.

- Next question, Kristen. Fill in the blank.

IMDB says your trademark is playing

"sweet-natured but blank characters."

- Ooh, I would say sweet-natured,

but with an unexpected storm on the horizon.

- You changed the whole sentence

uh, just to make us believe you don't read your own IMDB.

"Unstable."

I was going for sweet-natured - Oh, wait, I actually--

- But unstable characters. - It does?

- Mm-hmm, and you failed. - I don't think I failed.

I think I said the same thing.

Un--unstable? You think a storm is stable?

- I asked you to parallel park,

and you got out of the car and ran away.

- No, you asked me to parallel park,

and I let my Tesla do it for me.

[laughter]

- I stand corrected.

- I have a question for you. - Please.

- When you write your comedy jokes--

- Mm-hmm. - They're so good.

- Mm-hmm. - Do you think of the twist

before you write it,

or do you think of the premise first, and then,

just like, scramble your brain for the twist?

- The latter. I think of the premise,

and I think of how many different ways it can go,

and then, what's, like, the meanest, most unexpected,

yet still makes sense way.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- You're great. - Thank you.

- You're welcome. - One of the best

alternative comedians of all time.

No matter what year. - There's just nothing

alternative about what you do.

- I think if I didn't exist, if I hadn't been born--

- Yeah. - Alternative comedy

would not be a thing.

- I just--you can have alternative comedy.

- Thank you. - But it doesn't belong to you.

- I would like the award. - I'll give it to you.

- Now, Kristen. - Yeah.

- We're going to do a little Agree or Disagree.

I'm gonna share some statements about comedy.

You're gonna tell me whether you agree or disagree.

- Okay. - All right.

- Two comedy geniuses, hashing it out.

[laughter]

- Agree or disagree: Comedy is 100% about surprise.

- Disagree. - Disagree.

- Mm-hmm. - Really?

- Yeah. - I feel like a punchline

is a surprise that makes you laugh.

- Yes, all of your--

all of your comedy is a surprise.

That's why you got your own show.

But I think there's sometimes

where comedy can be about the commitment.

And maybe it's surprising that they are so committed,

but sometimes, it isn't.

For example, when you're watching, like,

Chris Farley, you know,

talk about being down by the river.

- I got bad news about Chris Farley.

- Oh, don't you say it. - Yeah.

Shot himself.

- Well, before that, it wasn't a surprise

that he would fully commit to the dance of the Chippendales

or whatever, but the fact that he was so in it was funny.

- I still disagree with you, but I'm gonna move on.

- You think it's still a surprise?

Commitment is the surprise. - It's a surprise that--

his physicality is the surprise.

The fact that he would take his shirt off is a surprise.

- Yeah. - You know, you don't see

that sort of thing.

- So all of comedy is a surprise?

- I think laughter comes from surprise.

- But it has to be a good surprise.

- None--none of my jokes are good surprises.

- A bad surprise-- a bad surprise is not funny.

Just saying. Okay, go on.

- It sounds like you're disagreeing

for the sake of disagreeing.

- No, I'm just, like-- I'm, like--

you can't just solve comedy in one sentence.

Like, you can't just crack open comedy for everybody to do.

- Brevity is wit. - Is that...

[laughter]

- Agree or disagree: You learn more from bombing

than you do from killing.

- Disagree.

- You do? - Mm-hmm.

- I feel like, when I bomb, I'm like,

"I got to go home and keep working and get this together."

If I kill, I'm like, "I know comedy, I am comedy."

And I go out and I get-- I get drunk.

- Yeah, I mean, every situation is different.

Like, sometimes, when I bomb, I think that--

that everything about what I did was wrong,

and then, I never do it again.

And sometimes, when I kill, I think that the joke

is just so perfect that I don't work on it.

And then, when I do it again, it bombs.

Do you ever kill the first time,

and then bomb immediately after?

- I'm always fascinated by that.

It's like, the excitement you have

when you tell that joke

for the first time-- - Yes.

- It, like, infects the audience.

You think like, "Oh, this joke is great."

And when you tell it again,

it's, like, diminishing returns,

and you can never get it back. - Never.

- Like, have you ever tried out jokes with,

like, a piece of paper, just reading them?

And then crossing them off if they work or not?

- No. - When you do that,

the audience loves it. - Yeah.

- They laugh at the good jokes.

They laugh at the bad ones because you cross them out.

And then, you go to, like, the Comedy Store

or the Comedy Cellar or somewhere,

and you tell the jokes for real,

and they don't get nearly the reaction they get

if the audience knows you're just trying them out.

- What do you do to try to keep them fresh again?

- I don't. Once they're great, I'm like,

"This is a great joke. I'm excited to tell it."

Like, if I have one new joke in my act,

it refreshes the entire hour,

because I'm so happy about that one joke.

Kristen. - Yes?

- Agree or disagree: It's engaging and cool

to use visual aids during a stand-up set.

- Agree! - Mm-hmm.

What do you think I think about that?

- I think that you think that your visual aids

are the images that you paint in your audience's minds.

[laughter]

- If someone walked in here right now

and said we looked like we were having fun,

I think I'd have to agree.

We'll be right back. It's Good Talk.

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- Welcome back to "Good Talk with Anthony Jeselnik,"

the only talk show where I get to

swing it all around like the big dog.

I'm here with Kristen Schaal.

- Who's the big dog? - I'm the big dog.

- Oh, but you were comparing yourself to the big dog.

Who is it? - "Like the big dog."

It's me. In this scenario, it's me.

- Oh, you're like, the top dog. The big dog.

- I'm the big dog.

I mean, there's multiple big dogs,

but I'm the only one who's swinging it all around.

- Oh, okay. - Yeah.

- Ow, ow!

[laughter]

That's you swinging it! Cool.

- Mm-hmm. - Ruff, ruff, ruff!

- Very cool. - Rawr!

- You were on "John Oliver's New York Standup Show."

Who was the host, where did it take place,

and what kind of performance did you do?

- It was-- John Oliver was the host.

- Mm-hmm. - And one season,

I did my mattress monologue,

where I pretended to be a mattress.

Oh, God, those were the days. And one season,

I brought my parents on stage as props.

- And where did it take place? - New York.

- Thank you.

You should have just been, like,

"John Oliver, New York, stand-up."

- Well, then, I kind of got into, like,

what was I doing on that show?

- I think a lot of people thought that

when they were watching you.

- Yeah, again.

[laughter]

You know what? I'll say this, though.

- Please. - They were weird performances,

but there's still one or two people out there

that remember them even from, like, 12 years ago

who occasionally, will be, like,

"Hey, I remember the mattress bit."

- And isn't that the point of being on television?

For one or two people to get it?

[laughter]

You have a one and a half-year-old daughter.

- Oh, no!

[laughter]

- It's a fact. - I do?

- You have a one and a half-year-old daughter.

- Uh-huh. - What does it sound like

when you talk to her in a baby voice?

- Oh, I will not do that.

- No, you just talk normal voice?

You don't want to be condescending to your baby?

- I actually don't know how to talk to babies in general.

Like, when I first had her, when she came out of me,

it was just the strangest thing.

Because I was, like,

"What do you want? What's going on?"

And then, my mom came to visit,

and she talked to the baby like you're supposed to.

Which is just, like, gentle, sweet tones.

Like, "Oh, what-- do you like that?"

You know, like-- and I tried to mimic her

after she visited, but it did not come innately

for me to talk to a baby.

- So you got pregnant, had nine months

where you did no research whatsoever.

- On how to talk to an infant?

- Have you seen a movie or a TV show

where someone talks to a baby? - I see it.

And I see my friends being like--

[babbles]

But I can't. Like, that's, like,

not in me at all.

- You save that for the stage. - Oof, how dare you.

[laughter]

- You walked right into it. What am I going to do?

Kristen, you grew up on a farm. - Yeah.

- What was that like?

- It was--

- Ah! What was that?

- That was the "who cares?" Stamp.

- Oh. - When we ask a question

that no one would ever care about the answer.

- That's so exciting.

Thank you. - I know.

- So this could happen at any time?

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. - Okay.

- But now that you feeling safe and warm

and totally off-guard-- - Yeah.

- Let's bring a bull into this china shop.

- Okay, a "bowl?" Your accent is so thick.

- What would you call my accent?

- Philadelphian. - Nope.

- Pittsburgian?

- I'm from there, but that's not the accent.

It's just the way I talk. - Oh, asshole-ian.

- You don't see me--

[laughter]

You don't see me making fun of the way you talk.

- You did! A lot!

We all heard it. - It's why I had you on.

- Kirsten, you were-- - Hey, you wish

you talked like this.

- You were in an episode of "Law and Order: SVU"

that was about the murder and sodomy

of a local fraternity pledge master

who had a pornographic website featuring college girls.

Was that fun? - Yeah.

- What did you play? - A cremator.

- A cremator? - Yes.

- You were--were you, like, on the stand,

like, giving judgment or you were, like--

you were someone who cremated people?

- I was showing Christopher Meloni

the box where the paddle was in that was used for the assault.

- Okay, so that was fun. - Yeah.

- I thought you would have been, like,

the one doing the sodomizing.

- No. - Maybe next year.

If a comedy club named

a food item after you, what would it be?

- I guess I would be the Kristen Schaal cheese sticks.

- Just the cheese sticks, but named Kristen Schaal?

Have you ever--do you ever eat

the cheese sticks at a comedy club?

- Yeah. The mozzarella sticks?

- Yeah, I know what cheese sticks are.

You don't need to further describe them.

You would just be the cheese sticks?

It wouldn't be anything special?

You wouldn't have, like, some weird dipping sauce?

It would just be cheese sticks? - I don't think you need

a dipping sauce if they're mine.

- Really?

You want to eat them dry? - Yeah.

- Like, "These remind me of Kristen Schaal.

I'm going to eat them without the marinara."

- Let me just say this.

You don't need marinara for cheese.

Cheese is good as is. And then it's fried?

Like, if you need something on top of that,

you got to really look inside your soul.

- Okay, we don't-- we don't have time for that.

We'll be right back, but first, take a look at this.

This is "Good Talk."

- Here's the thing that girls love to say after sex.

It always kills me.

Maybe guys say it, too. I don't know.

I don't fuck guys. I don't know.

- I don't even know if I like vaginas.

All I know is that I don't like penises more.

- I'm not homophobic, but I am a little uncomfortable

with the gay fitting room attendant.

- I'm not gay, I'm not gay. It's okay if you're gay.

I'm not. - I'm not gay.

I don't care if people are gay. It doesn't bother me.

- I'm not gay.

- I'm not gay, but even if I was--

- I'm not that gay.

- ♪ But I'm not gay ♪

♪ So get your hand out of my pants ♪

- Ha, ha, ha.

- Clearly, the height of comedy.

- Yeah.

[dramatic classical music]

- We're back with "Good Talk."

Anthony Jeselnik is the host. Kristen Schaal is the guest.

You did an hour special on Comedy Central in 2013.

Let's take a look.

- It's over for me! It's over!

No water back here! There's no water!

Who was that little girl?

[screams]

I'll just die!

[screams]

I will break you--

Like they broke me!

- Seems like that went great.

And that's about halfway through the special.

- Yeah. - I think my favorite part--

I mean, when you're throwing things around,

I thought like, "Yeah, I get this."

When you too the knife to the couch cushion

as if you were looking for drugs,

that--that really sent me over the edge.

That was one of my favorite parts of the special.

And you said afterwards, doing press,

that it was your goal to do, like, a live bomb onstage.

Did you think of that concept before or after the taping?

- [laughs]

Thanks, Anthony.

[laughter]

I thought of it before. - Yeah?

I thought it was great. Like, when the special opens,

it opens with you turning to the camera and saying,

"I think this is gonna be my last time doing stand-up."

And then, it freeze frames, and that just--

that absolutely killed me. - Thank you.

- I really enjoyed it. I was--I was the one.

- I think so, actually. I think you were the one.

- Mm-hmm, Kristen, I think we can both agree

that if you're a real comedian,

then that means you can describe the plot

of "You, Me, and Dupree" in under 60 seconds.

Can you do it? - Yeah.

This is about the threesome that got--

that got really raunchy when someone had to poop.

[soft music]

And then, it was like, "who pooped?"

It could have been-- well, it was either two--

- 20 seconds left. - Two of them pooped.

Like, everyone had a different point of view

about who pooped during the threesome.

- You got five seconds left. - And we all--

and then, it was Kate Hudson. - Mm-hmm.

And that was "You, Me: 'You, Me, and Dupree.'"

Great job, Kristen. - Thanks.

- Most people couldn't get that.

- [sputters] - Now, Kristen,

you're doing great, I'm doing great.

- Okay. - But let's see

how you handle this. - Okay.

- I'm going to play you a grunt.

You tell me if it's a grunt

from Tim Allen on "Home Improvement,"

- Mm-hmm. - Or an imposter grunt

making fun of Tim Allen on "Home Improvement."

Are you ready? - Yep.

- Let's here grunt number one.

[surprised grunt]

Is that Tim Allen or someone else?

- Do I get to compare it with the next grunt?

- Mm-mm, you got to go grunt-by-grunt.

- Well, that's somebody else.

- That's Tim Allen. - What?

- That's Tim Allen. You want to play it again?

[surprised grunt]

That's in the credits, Kristen. - Oh, my.

- Do you know your Tim Allen or not?

- Well, I mean, I watched "Tool Time"

every night as a child.

- "Tool Time"? - "Home Improvement."

- Let's hear grunt number two.

- Which was also watching "Tool Time."

- This is grunt number two.

[sustained grunt]

- That's real. - Real what?

- Real Tim Allen. - That's a real Tim Allen

classic grunt, it's been called.

- Yeah.

- Let's hear grunt number three.

[heavy breathing]

[loud rutting]

[louder rutting]

[snorting]

[low rutting]

Was that Tim Allen or an imposter?

- It's an imposter. - That was a gorilla.

- Oh, okay. - That was a gorilla

making fun of Tim Allen.

Tim Allen knows sign language,

and he would go to zoos around the world and talk to them,

and that's how they repaid him.

- With a grunt of appreciation.

- In the beginning, and then it turns into mockery.

- Why? - Satire.

- Mm. - Let's hear grunt number four.

[guttural roar]

- I think that's Tim Allen.

Oh! - That's Roger Federer

making fun of Tim Allen.

- Oh, Roger. - During the match, yep.

Here's a bonus grunt. Are you ready?

- Yeah. - I'm going to ask you

if it's Tim Allen or not, and then,

can you tell me what emotion

they're trying to convey with the grunt?

- Okay. - You ready?

- Mm-hmm. - Let's hear number five.

- Oh-ho-ho!

- That's Tim Allen. - That's Tim Allen.

- He is satisfied with what his wife has suggested.

- In a way. That's a lustful grunt.

That's like, a sexy time grunt. - That's what I was saying.

- Yes, but in too clean a version.

- Uh, I'm challenging you on what's clean.

- Okay.

We'll be right back, but don't you dare go anywhere.

This is one D block you won't wanna miss.

- D block! - "Good Talk."

- Sorry, sorry. That's your outro.

- Yeah. - I yelled right over it.

- That was great. That's the most professional

you've been this whole interview.

[dramatic classical music]

- And we're back with Kristen Schaal

to wrap things up with some of that Make God Laugh.

- Hah! - Now, Kristen.

if you could take any dead comedian,

bring them back from the dead, make them perform for you once,

and have them go back to being dead, who would it be?

- Probably Andy Kaufman. - The great Andy Kaufman.

Why did you like him so much?

- Well, because he does push the comedy envelope forward.

I think everything he was doing

during his career was ahead of its time.

He was doing reality television

before there was even reality television.

He was pulling pranks before Howie Mandel was.

Like, he was really pushing the envelope.

And he was surreal and absurd

and for the most part, full of joy.

Although, he did go down some dark paths

with certain characters, too.

Like, he really just played the gambit of--

of, I would say, alternative comedy.

- Would you say he's your biggest influence?

- Absolutely, he's my biggest. - I think of all of the people

we can, like, obviously tell

that their biggest influence was Andy Kaufman,

you've been the most successful.

It's almost like a path down, like, a wrong lane

if you try to be like him because he was so brilliant.

- Yeah. - Congratulations.

- Thank you.

- Thank you so much, Kristen, for being here.

You've been spectacularly bizarre and,

dare I say it, a delight.

- You dare! - I dare.

- Well, it's a pleasure-- - You can check out Kristen

in her new movie, "My Spy,"

starring alongside David Bautista.

Until next time, good talk.

[dramatic classical music]

- Was it--it was a long talk. Was it a good talk?

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