Original subtitles

Cuz, you sure you should be eating

that much meat before a show?

Cuz, meats and sweets is what I need to feed my bitch hips.

It's just how I roll. -Excuse me.

Do you know where the nearest farmer's market is?

Farmer's market? There's no farms.

You're in New York. It's just Puerto Ricans and pizza.

Stop microaggressing us.

What are you saying? Microaggressing?

-It's called -- -Microaggressing, yeah.

When you masturbate, do you just go, "Bernieee"?

-Chris. -Whoa!

What are you doing out here?

You should be inside getting ready.

-Whoa. -Chazz Palminteri?

I told you I know Chazz Palminteri.

This kid is always thinking I'm lying.

He knows me.Chazz, thank you so much for introducing me.

You know I love you, babe.

The show is gonna be great tonight.

It's gonna knock your socks off. I promise you that.

I can't see the show, Chris.

I'm headed over to see Arcade Fire

do a secret show in Bushwick.

I'll see you fellas at the venue.

Yeah.

Wheatgrass.

Cleans you out.

Yo, Brooklyn has changed.

I want to cry.

Let's have a good show.

Yeah, let's go be funny.

Man: Give it up for Chazz Palminteri, everybody!

Thank you.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Thanks a lot.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Brooklyn.

Brooklyn, Brooklyn!

You know, thank you very much.

My father always used to say that the saddest thing

in life is wasted talent,

and the choices you make will shape your life forever.

Well, lucky that the guy I'm about to introduce

didn't waste his talent,

and he's made great choices --

like having me introduce him

because I locked the doors, and now youse can't leave, okay?

Ladies and gentlemen, this is really one funny, funny guy.

Give it up for Chris Distefano!

Chris: Hi.

Thank you.

Do you -- You're lying.

You don't mean it.

Are you -- Is it for me, or for Chazz?

Listen, you guys, great crowd.

Great energy, you know? And it's mostly white people,

so that's surprising, you know?

Because usually, when it's kind of almost all white,

it's not as great as it is -- but you guys, yeah, it's good.

I'm white. You know, it's kind of hard...

It's kind of hard to be white, right?

I mean, I deal with it, but, you know, I have white issues.

Yeah. Eczema, you know?

I mean, scoliosis, gluten allergies, all that.

Moderate to severe plaque psoriasis.

You know what I'm talking about, right?

White ailments. You know, you've got ailments,

then you've got the ointments that help with the ailments.

But you know, I'm one of the good white people.

I got to be honest. I'm one of the good ones.

It's a bad -- Yeah, white people.

I'm from New York, so, it's like, you know, we're the good.

I'm not, like, Midwest, South white.

Like, I'm the city white.

Like, I'm all about cultural diversity or what --

I'm more Filipino than some Filipino people, you know?

Like, there's 9 million people in this city,

so you can't be, you know?

But the new white is kind of a little bit like, "All right."

You know, it's like this hipster person that loves himself.

"Yoga classes! Fruit shakes!

Racial harmony! We're going to make a difference!"

It's like, "You're going to get shot," okay?

I feel like -- I mean, listen,

I know you're having a good time with yourself,

but you're on a unicycle, okay?

So, yeah, just -- listen, have a good time.

Knock yourself out. But you're coming down my block on a wheel,

so we take that as a direct threat.

You know what I'm saying?

Like, I don't know what you want me to say, like...

And they're very nice people,

like, this new -- Everybody here

looks like they're probably from New York, right?

You're from New York, right? You're fucking in the --

You're wearing a union sweatshirt.

Yeah, you're from -- You're as New York -- yeah.

You're a human fucking piece of Sheetrock.

I know you're from New York.

You're like, "Nah, I built this whole set for you, cuz!

What you talking about? New York!"

You got the Yankees symbol tattooed on your ball sack.

I know who you are. Yeah, dude.

That -- Fuck! Boom, look! I knew it!

See? I mean, dude, listen.

I fucking knew it.

There's not...

Fucking did it. We did it.

Thank you, Derek -- whoever god of New York gave me that.

Thank you. Dude, I knew it, bro.

All right. What was that?

No, seriously, so, I'm saying, so, we, you know,

normal Brooklyn guy. But this new --

This new -- And we get -- Like, because, when you're

from New York, like, there's an attitude that we have.

Like, nobody is nice to you, but I'm comfortable with that.

Like, I'd prefer that. That's my speed, you know?

These new people are so nice, it's, like, offensive to me,

because they come, they have manners.

They come in, you know, "Hey, sir, good morning!"

I'm like, "Who the fuck are you?"

Dude, listen, just don't talk to me, okay?

I know you're new here,

but if you see something, say something.

But other than that, we're just out here.

We're getting bagels. We're going back in our house.

Like, we don't -- You know, I kind of don't --

But, you know, you can't say anything.

I don't say anything. But I'm...

And I just feel like the new man to me, like,

this new kind of hipster man acts like a child, in a way,

because they're coddled. It's a very --

You know how it is. It's changed.

Everybody is soft now, sensitive, which is --

There's positive shit in that, but I just --

You know, to me, it's -- I got hit.

I would get punched in the face by family members, friends.

Like, you would love to hit me. I know that.

And you're -- That would be like a "hello."

You'd be like, "What's up, fuck-face?"

You know, hit back, and I'd be like, "Oh, that's cute.

You know, now I'm going to be the best man at your wedding."

But, you know, nobody gets hit anymore.

Now, you just get an e-mail in all caps lock,

and it's like, "Yeah!"

But, like, you know, so, I would --

If I did something stupid, I get popped,

and then, you're good. But now, no.

The new man -- Because, the other day

I saw a guy, he was, like, legit 45 years old

going to work on a scooter. He was on a scooter.

You've probably seen these people -- suit, helmet, scooter.

Grown man, probably with a family. Not a Vespa.

Are you guys thinking I'm saying -- I'm not talking about machinery.

I'm talking about a fucking scooter, just doing this.

Grown man, like this, smiling, just gliding down the street.

I was like, "Do you think your wife

is not cheating on you?"

You know?

I mean, like, yeah.

Why would she not be cheating on you?

Like, you know?

I can't think of reasons she wouldn't be cheating on you.

I was with my boys. I was like, "Do you think this --

Do you think this guy's wife is cheating on him?"

They were like, "Yeah, we bang his wife.

That's why we're here, dude.

Yeah, we don't know why you're here,

but we're here for the gangbang."

Just think about your father.

Think about that man right now.

Could you imagine if he left the house one day on a scooter?

Think about your dad, dude. Think about...

Think about fucking -- Could you imagine?

I would look at my mother and be like,

"Listen to me -- Dad is gone, okay?

Just do me a favor, forget about Dad, okay?

I'm 6 years old. I run the whole operation now.

So, you know, let me go learn shapes and shit,

and then, we'll figure out --

Dad is playing hopscotch in the back.

We lost... You know, we lost Dad."

But you can't say anything. What are you going to do?

I just observe. I just see this, and it's fine.

You know, if -- The other day, I saw a guy jogging.

He was wearing those shoes

that you could put each individual toe into.

I was like, "Can I tell you the top 10 reasons I hate you?

It's each one of your toes moving independently, okay?"

The last thing I ever wanted to see

when I woke up this morning was the dexterity of your feet.

It's disgusting."

And then, he was like,

"Um, yeah, it gives my soul a better workout."

That's what he said to me, this guy.

I was like, "I want to punch you in your soul

and watch it explode into kale chips."

I want it to happen so bad, but I won't.

I don't hit. I won't hit. You can't hit. I won't hit.

I'm non-violent, non-binary, non not-fat latte.

I'm just Chris-y Nons. I don't -- Yeah.

I can't, not with this face.

I got German fucking Gestapo face.

I can't. I'm too, you know, I'm too --

I look like the problem, you know what I mean?

I told you I'm one of the good ones,

but people want to fucking -- Yeah.

Some of you guys got -- You got whistle-blower face.

Right here, you, with the glasses?

You want to blog about this face bad.

I won't let you do it. No.

You won't put me in a hashtag.

No, you look like a nice guy.

If anything goes wrong tonight, you got my back?

I -- Fuck yeah, you --

Do you have a gun on you? You have your hand in --

This guy has his hand in his left pocket.

You can't -- The cameras picked that up.

Do you have a weapon?

You are great. I like you guys.

Fucking New York, you know?

I like other places, too, but I -- I don't know.

I'm just, like, a city, you know, person.

I have a kid now -- which, a lot of people

don't want to have kids anymore. No.

Oh, yeah, of course.

So, any people have children? Okay. Not you.

No kids. Kids? Oh, you got a kid? Yeah.

Yeah, no, some people won't have kids.

You know, like, "I'm waiting for the right time."

I'm like, "You're 75 years old."

You know, like, either do it or don't do it.

But, yeah, beautiful, my baby -- 2 years old.

Half Puerto Rican, half Italian. That's a mix, right there.

Yes, some of you, Puerto Rican and Italian?

Yep. Yeah. I named her --

I named her "West Side Story."

That's what I wanted to do. Like, it fits.

She gets mad, I'm like, "West Side!"

You know? Get over here, West Side!

Yeah, that's a real New York thing to do --

Italians, Puerto Ricans, have a little baby.

And listen, those are emotional cultures,

Italians and the Puerto Ricans?

That's -- I have a dramatic, emotional little baby.

I have a problem on my hands.

I'm not going to lie to you guys

because, you know, she's a toddler, but she's a woman.

She's just a miniature baby woman.

Already has opinions, you know,

doesn't take what I say at face value.

She's very suspicious.

Like, this girl is my whole pride and joy, everything to me,

and she's, like, generally annoyed

at everything I do, always.

Like, I'll come home.

She'll be like, "Look who decided to show up.

Look. Look."

Just stands there on angles.

Like, she learned how to walk 5 minutes ago,

and she's standing there like that with her pacifier,

smoking it like a cigarette.

"Whose crayon is this? It's not my crayon.

So, like, do you have another family or...

Because it's just interesting to me that this is not my crayon."

"Go be with her," you know what I'm saying?

Like, fucking crazy.

"Did you forget you have a family?"

I'm like, "I've been gone for 10 minutes."

She always walks around wild. Her hair is always nuts.

She always looks like she just got electrocuted.

I don't know how to comb her hair.

I mean, I try. I try to comb it --

I only know how to comb it like this,

and we both just look like -- both look like two douchebags

just walking down the street, you know?

Yeah, people -- People don't want to have --

Good laugh over there. You have a kid?

They don't want to have kids. They don't want to do it.

And everybody wants to be, like, a part of everything.

You notice that? Like, everybody's got a --

Like, I'm a parent because I have a child.

That's why I'm a parent. And if you don't have a --

If you don't have a child, it's okay,

but you're just not a parent. I'm sorry.

I was in one of these new Brooklyn coffee shops,

and this guy was like, "You have to respect my right

as a parent even though I don't have children."

I was like, "No, I don't. That's genuinely, like,

the definition of having a parent is having a --

of being a parent is having a child,

and you don't have a child."

He's like, "Well, I have cats." I'm like, "Good for you."

Like, I like animals, too, but it's not the same thing, okay?

I mean, if I threw your cat off a balcony tomorrow,

I would get a high five from a cop -- just boom --

and maybe a summons. It depends.

It depends if they're trying to fill a quota.

But it wouldn't be an issue.

It's just, I know it wouldn't be an issue.

I know -- And I do like cats, but most people would be like,

"All right. It's one less cat."

You know, it's not -- It's okay.

I mean, you know, they pop up, they're fine.

But this guy was like, "You have to."

He's like, "The cats are my children."

I'm like, "Okay. You're living in one of the only times

in history where you won't get killed

almost immediately for saying that."

I mean, if this was 1600 Salem, Massachusetts,

and you walked into the village,

and you said, "These are my children, the cats,"

they would burn you at the stake right away.

I mean, there would not even be a trial.

They would be like, "Strap him up. Light him up.

It's fucking witchcraft, and we want it out of here."

And the whole town would clap. They would clap.

Yep. Be like, "Yeah, get them out of here."

Not like this, but they would just -- Yeah.

That was -- I didn't need you guys to clap, but thank you.

I just felt like, "Oh, look, they'll do anything I want."

Yeah, dude, but I don't know.

Trying to -- Look, again, I like the new world.

I like it. It's progressive. It's cool.

All that stuff is -- But it's just, you know,

everybody wants to be in control.

Everybody wants to plan their pregnancies now.

That's the new thing. Everyone planning their pregnancies.

"Folic acid, vegetables.

I don't want any adversity in the womb."

It's like, "Well, your kid is going to be a pussy."

Okay, I mean, listen, you can do what you want.

Bowl with bumpers. That's your right.

But we're going to have to deal with your kid.

All right? I mean, I don't worry

about my daughter, not at all.

You know why? She was unplanned.

You know what that means? She's a survivor.

Okay?

Yeah.

Fucking survivor, yeah.

The odds she beat were incredible.

I mean, the shit she survived as an embryo

we couldn't survive as fully-grown adults. No way.

15 morning-after pills -- my kid beat every single one.

Yeah.

She was just down there like, "No, Daddy.

No, Daddy. No, Daddy."

She grew arms 2 months ahead of schedule

to swat away Plan Bs like Dikembe Mutombo.

She's like, "No, no, no, not today," just fucking --

Yeah. She didn't care.

Yeah. We would throw them down there.

She would throw them back out.

Now, it's like, "Oh, you tried to kill me?

Now, I'm gonna try to kill you.

So, like, eye for an eye, Daddy."

You got kids, right?

One kid, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yo, it's old-school guys.

Yeah, I have a fucking kid.

Yeah, dude.

Rocco? What's its name?

-Benjamin. -Oh, Benjamin?

Oh, fucking look at you, like an aristocrat.

Fucking so nice, Benjamin.

We call him fucking Benny Diapers, buddy, Benjamin.

Yeah, fucking Benjamin, something nice.

Benjamin.

Yeah, I told you, everybody is coddled now.

Everybody -- Have you noticed that?

Like, everybody, it's like, "Oh, it's okay." It's coddled.

Like, you never knew anybody

with a peanut allergy before 2007.

You never met a -- I went to school in this city.

9 million people, I never met anybody with a peanut allergy.

And I know everybody.

Not as many people as you, but I know everybody, you know?

I know the people you know.

It's like, now, people got -- I got a nephew.

He has a peanut allergy, and he talks shit to me all the time.

He runs his mouth every time he comes over.

He runs his mouth.

I'm like, "First of all, I'm your uncle, okay?

I'll give you one of these and fucking paralyze you.

Just boom, bang, I'll knock you out.

You can't -- be able to feel the right arm --

your right arm for a year." You know what I mean?

And then, I'm also like, "Look, I'm your uncle.

Like, I don't really love you. You know what I'm saying?

Like, I tolerate you because, yeah, your mom is my sister.

But, like, I don't fucking like her either,

to be honest with you. She's a bitch.

She flushed my figurines down the toilet in 1993.

I'm looking for payback. You're an easy target.

Listen..."

I mean, yeah. Peanut allergy?

"You're the definition of making it look like an accident.

It's so easy to make it -- so just watch your mouth.

You know, get through the next 12 hours, we'll see.

We'll see what you do, you know?"

Yeah, he runs his mouth, always talking.

Like, I've checked on him. He slept at my house last week.

I checked on him. I opened the door.

I was like, "Hey, buddy, are you okay?"

He's like, "Yeah, I'm fine. What's your problem?"

I was like, "What do you mean, what's my problem?

What's your problem?"

He's like, "Oh, what's my problem? You're my problem."

I'm like, "No, cashews are your problem, okay.

I mean, are you kidding me?

I haven't been able to bring an Almond Joy

within 1,000 feet of here since I met you, bubble boy fuck.

I'm not your problem.

You're allergic to peanuts. That's a real problem.

I mean, all I have to do is bring a Snickers in here

and your life is over. Do you understand?"

Just walk around with a handful of pecans, and just walk around.

I'm like, "Clean your room. No? Fuck you. How about --"

"All right. I'll get the EpiPen. I'll get it."

Walk around with an AK-47 full of epinephrine

just in case this kid steps on a fucking walnut.

But, you know, this kid has got real issues.

I don't know, dude. I worry about it.

You're from New York, too, right?

I can see the fucking tattoo on your arm.

Jail time? What have you done? Looks like a jail tat.

You're like, "Maybe tonight, you keep looking at me, cuz.

Why don't you just fucking do your jokes

and make fun of Benjamin?"

I like the attitude, fucking yeah.

I don't know. I feel like...

I just worry about us a little bit, as a country,

you know, because it's getting a little soft.

Like, I'm -- Are we going to lose World War III?

I don't know. It's happening. We may lose.

All the enemy has to do is dip their weapons in gluten

and it's fucking over, you know?

What if North Korea throws a gluten bomb?

The streets will run brown with diarrhea, and then --

I worry about it.

I just worry about it. No. We'll never lose.

This is the first joke I told all night.

Are you kidding me? We're America.

This is the back-to-back World War champs.

Don't forget that shit.

That's true. That's a fact.

That's a fact, Benjamin.

We -- Oh, absolutely.

We're 2-0. Look it up -- 2-0.

People step up. They get knocked down.

That's just how it works, okay?

Listen, I'm not going to go because of my psoriasis

and shit, but like, I just -- You go.

I'm going to get very itchy during conflict,

but I'll tweet the enemy. I'm like, "Fuck you, Isis!"

you know?

But I'm not going to go.

Back-to-back World War champs.

I didn't create that. I don't want to take credit.

I did not write that. But I have a T-shirt.

I legit bought a T-shirt that says,

"Back-to-Back World War Champs."

This is why people hate us as a country, okay?

I mean, it's just -- Look no further than that,

why the rest of the world hates us.

We're making garments that proudly say,

"Back-to-Back World War Champs."

I wear it. I'm not going to lie to you.

I fucking -- Yeah, I wear it.

Put that shit on every 4th of July.

It's what I do.

Put it on, fly to Japan, walk around the airport,

"Never forget," and then, I fly back home.

It's what I do.

Can't come to your barbecue. Can't come.

You all right? Did you get upset at that one?

Okay. Because I'm like -- can't fly to --

I'm fucking joking around. I can't fly to Japan.

My jeans are from Old Navy. Okay? I mean, no, come on.

If Spirit Airlines doesn't go there, I'm not going.

Just...that's the truth of it all.

No disrespect to Spirit, if you --

I don't know if you put the planes together.

No disrespect. You did say the union.

I don't know if that's a union airline.

I apologize. Fuck you!

I had ADHD. I grew up --

I had ADHD, but I had ADHD in 1990, okay,

when nobody had that shit.

All right? There were no support groups.

There was no GoFundMe.

I was just the weird kid that bit people.

So, I would just -- You know?

I didn't go to birthday parties, 'cause I just --

"He's in a fricking crate," you know?

I didn't cry about it, I just had to go on Ritalin.

The State of New York was like,

"He can't come back out in public

unless he's on some kind of medication.

He needs to be sedated."

My mother is such, like, a nice, beautiful person.

She didn't want me to have to, like, emotionally process

that I had to take a pill.

So, she would wrap the Ritalin up in cheese.

I swear to God. That was her solution.

She's like, "Honey, what are you talking about?

It's not a pill. It's not a pill.

It's magic cheese.

Come on. Mommy wants you to eat your magic cheese.

Who's a good boy?"

I'm like, "What am I, a fucking beagle?"

You know?

I'm a bad kid.

Just break it up and let me snort it because --

Yeah. I mean...

I sell the magic cheese in school.

That's what I do.

$20 a slice I get for this shit.

People are requesting provolone.

Enough with the Swiss. It has holes in it.

Product falls through the hole. It's a whole thing.

You know what I'm talking about. It's a whole thing.

People are like, "Yeah."

Yeah, dude.

I had anxiety, though -- real anxiety.

And I don't come from the -- I don't have, like,

the kind of friends and family you can have anxiety, you know,

but I have it, bad. But I was born with it.

As soon as I came out of the womb, shit hit the fan.

I had no -- Yeah. I just --

I was born with my thumbs flexed in on both hands.

At first, the doctors thought I had no thumbs.

They didn't think, "Just turn his hand over.

There's his thumb." No. They went zero to 100.

My mother thinks she has this beautiful little baby boy.

The doctor is like, "Yeah, not so fast, lady.

Your kid has got no fucking thumbs.

So, we don't know what he's gonna without the thumb.

He's genuinely not a human. He can't manipulate objects,

you know, pens, pencils, crayons?

He can scoop shit.

Yeah.

He'll be good at scooping and/or squeezing.

Those are thumbless activities we've identified

as strengths, yeah. Pretty much anything else, done.

Super Bowl parties, pull a little salsa con queso?

There you go. Dip hand."

Just walk around. "Tostito's scoop hand?"

Yeah. But real anxiety.

You know, I was -- Yeah. Now, my, I got to --

I told you, my daughter, you know, she can talk now.

Any day, she's going to ask me, "Daddy, are monsters real?"

I'm going to be like, "Probably," you know?

I just -- I don't have friends where you can have anxiety.

Like I said, I can't --

I hang out with, like, real -- like, guys like you.

You can't have -- I can't fucking

come to you with my anxiety.

Fucking you'd tell me to go suck a dick.

That's what you would tell me to do.

Like, "Listen, why don't you go blow something."

You know? I know you would, and it's hurtful.

Like, yeah, you know, all my friends --

cops, firemen, criminals -- they don't understand.

I was like, "I have anxiety."

They're like, "Anxiety is for the Democrats."

I'm like, "What?"

"I don't know. Go ask Hillary about your anxiety."

That's what one of my friends told me.

One of my friends is a fireman.

He's got, like, five medals for pulling people out of fires.

If you knew his political views, you'd be like,

"Just let me burn." You'd be like, "Yeah, I'm good.

I'm good, sir. Why don't you go --

Yeah. Go make the firehouse great again."

I'm fucking, you know, like, "I'm good."

But, you know, one of those tough-guy families, and I'm --

Listen, I'm "tough." I'm not really tough.

Like, I look tough -- like, sometimes people are like,

"Oh, you're in shape." I'm not.

If I took my shirt off right now,

I look like the melting candle from "Beauty and the Beast,"

just rows of tits.

Just look like a pregnant pit bull.

I can hide it in shoulders, but I'm just soft, you know?

I got a -- Yeah. Been eating a lot of sweets.

I got a size 38 waist. -Ooh.

-Yeah, "Ooh."

Oh, yeah. Thunder thighs, yeah.

38" waist, 32" length.

What kind of dimensions are those?

I mean, I feel like a Midwestern stepmom, you know?

I go to The Gap, I'm like, "Do you have 38x32?"

They're like, "No, we don't, Diane, okay?

Why don't you have another fucking crepe,

fatty-pants bitch hips?

You're eating your feelings."

Like, my grandpa -- very tough man, very tough man.

He actually fought in World War II.

So did everybody's grandpa, right? That's, like, not a big deal.

That was just a war of all grandpas.

My grandpa was in the Mafia, true blue.

Yeah, true blue Mafia guy. -Whoo!

Okay. Not usually the wrong --

I thought you would whoo, but who the --

That was a soft whoo, too. It was like, "Whoo-hoo!

I'm writing an exposé on the Mafia."

That's what it sounded like.

"Can I talk to you for my research?"

Yeah, Mafia. But fought in World War II,

which I always thought was interesting.

It's like, "You're a criminal. You're in the Mafia,

but then you're going to go fight in the war?

You're not good with authority."

Like, it's interesting.

Like, he was probably annoying on the battlefield.

Like, anything the general said, my grandpa was like,

"Yeah, how about no? How about -- "

Yeah.

"Why don't you go do it, Eisenhower?

I don't fucking care."

Probably showed up to every battle, like,

not even wearing the uniform.

He's just out there in, like, a wifebeater

with a sauce stain, no gun.

Everyone else got an AK-47 assault rifle.

This guy is out there with a fucking baseball bat.

You know, just...

"What do you need me to do?

What? Kill people? That's what I do.

Yeah, nah, don't worry.

I'll make the whole thing look like an accident.

All right?

Who needs to go bye-bye? Just, you know."

Walked up to German tanks, flicking cigarettes at them.

"United States of Mario, that's who's here now."

"Okay, ja."

It's like, "Grandpa, you don't have to put the bodies

in the trunk of the tank, okay.

Just shoot them, move up the beach, and let's..."

Brooklyn kid, right, you? -Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you are.

Yeah, dude, my dad -- my dad is a great guy.

Great guy, but, you know, he --

Like, look, some people you're just not --

they're not going to understand, like, the new world,

and they're just not going to be progressive.

Like, they're never going to be woke.

It's just, they're asleep forever.

It's like -- Just not going to do it. Just move on.

Like, you're never going to get my dad to understand shit.

Like, he just thinks everybody is gay.

That's my dad's thing.

He's like, "Everybody is gay now, Chris."

I'm like, "Nobody is gay."

He's like, "You're gay."

I'm like, "I'm not gay."

And then, he'll just look at me.

I'm like, "Am I gay?" I mean, like --

Like, he just has that look where he just looks through you.

He's like, "You're gay."

If you do anything that he thinks is gay, you're just --

You're gay forever, and it never changes.

Like, it's happened to me, like, you know?

It's never even that gay of a thing.

It's just a thing you do, and then, boom, you get stamped.

Like, I had a blueberry yogurt once when I was 15,

and it's never been the same since.

Just, I'm telling you, if he was here right now,

he'd be like, "Lick the microphone, Chrissy.

You know you want to.

Come on. Let's go.

Yeah. Come on. Lick it.

Dip it in the Chobani.

Go call your fucking boyfriend.

Kid loves yogurts."

Like, I imagine he was, like, talking to his friends, like,

"You know I got a gay son?"

They're like, "Oh, really? We didn't know."

They're like, "I didn't know either till he started

eating probiotics. Then, I knew.

That's how he came out -- started eating yogurts."

He's a very supportive man, though.

That's the problem. Like, he's very --

Like, you want to hate him, but you can't because he's always got my back.

Like, no matter what, he's got my back,

which is, like, awesome.

Even times when I haven't been in the right.

Like, I remember when I got into a big fight in high school once

and broke a chair over somebody's head.

Whoops. You know?

I didn't mean to. I just -- I don't know.

I got -- I used to get emotional.

Like, I used to cry a lot, like, out of nowhere.

I was, like, a bipolar mess,

and all-boy Catholic high school,

somebody is going to -- You can't do that.

You're going to get laughed at.

You know, so, this kid starts laughing at me.

So, I broke the chair right over his head, and then, I just --

That was, like, my mother's side, sensitive,

and then, my father, hitting.

It was like Jekyll and Hyde shit.

And then, like, as he was losing consciousness,

I was like, "I'm sorry." I started writing him a poem.

Like, "I want to write you a letter

and just take care of you." But then, snapped out again.

So, I got thrown right out of school, and I call my dad.

I'm like, "Dad, look, I'm -- You know, I apologize.

It's embarrassing, but I got kicked out of school."

He goes, "No, you didn't."

I was like, "Yeah, I did."

Like, they're writing the police report.

He goes, "I'm coming down there."

I was like, "Please don't come down here."

He was like, "I'm coming down there."

I was like, "Oh, boy."

So, he just walks into the principal's office.

You're supposed to have a meeting, you know.

Just walks right in.

He goes, "My son allegedly --"

Because he's a criminal.

He goes, "My son allegedly hit somebody in the head

with a chair, and we'd like to plead not guilty.

So, I'd like to make a plea."

I was like, "What are you talking about?"

The principal is like, "Sir, he --

Yeah, your son has been expelled.

I'm sorry, but Catholic institution,

you know, he broke a chair over somebody's head."

My dad's like, "Is this something money can't fix?"

Just -- He's like, "How much --

What do you want me to do? What do you want me to do?"

And the principal was like, "No, sir. No thank you.

But, you know, he's expelled, and it was nice having him here,

but he's done," and my dad goes, "There's got to be another way."

My principal says, "Sir, I'm sorry. There's no other way."

My dad goes, "Let's think of another way."

He was like, "I'm here to negotiate with you."

He's like, "Yeah, there's no negotiations.

Your son has been expelled."

And my dad goes, "Think of another way."

And the principal just gets upset.

He goes, "Sir, are you stupid? There's no other way."

And that made my dad really upset.

He goes, "Did you just call me stupid?

Okay. Chrissy, lock the door."

Oh, shit.

Listen, any time my dad called me by my girl name,

I knew shit was about to get real."

Oh, yeah.

As soon as he said that -- Yes, yep.

I fricking tucked it back, and I locked that door.

I was like, "I'm your princess," you know?

"Do what you need to do."

Yeah, and then, my dad, it was all business from there.

He goes, "Now, you got two options.

First option, I come over there, I beat the shit out of you."

He goes, "I'd rather go to jail for the rest of my life

than you throw him out

and me have to listen to his mother's fucking mouth

for the rest of my life. So, either way, I'm in prison."

And the principal says, "Sir, would you do that?

I'm a man of God." And my dad goes,

"I lost God September 21, 1979."

I was like, "That was so specific."

And then, I thought back. He was in jail then.

I was like, "I guess God wasn't in the showers."

I was like --

I think that's all that can mean is, like, yep.

Whew!

I was like, "I have some questions."

He's like, "Shut up, Chrissy!"

I was like, "Okay." You know?

I was like, "I'll just play."

Then, he goes, "The second option --

just put my son back in school.

Easy breezy."

I was like, "You can't threaten to kill someone

and then say 'easy, breezy.' Like, what are you --"

And I'm, like, such like a little girl, when he said

"easy, breezy," in my head, I went "beautiful CoverGirl."

I was like "Shh, Chrissy. Shh."

That's why -- And yeah, and then, the principal

put me right back into school, of course.

I mean, guy's threatening to kill him

and he's rhyming shit -- psychopath.

Yeah, of course I got put right back into high school.

Nobody ever even really found out.

Just got put in.

And it's, like, but it's traumatizing.

I don't want to do comedy.

Okay? I had to do comedy.

My therapist was like, "This shit's pretty funny.

Like, I know, listen, it sucks for you,

and you're, like, going through a lot, but it's really --

You should talk to people about it, because, yeah."

Yeah, so, like, you know, my dad has always been, like...

I'm different than -- I'm the same --

Some parts are the same, but some parts are different.

Like, I always knew my dad was involved in some illegal shit.

I just always kind of knew. Like, all his friends,

I would go visit his friends when I was kid.

We'd have a barbecue or some shit like that.

And I would go up, and his friends always had,

like, a very specific company that they had.

Like, it was too specific of an item to be a real company.

I was like, "I know that this is a front for something else.

You're laundering money through this. I'm aware.

I'm 8 years old, but I know," you know?

I'd walk up to people like, "Hey, buddy,

what do you do for a living?"

He's like, "This kid is asking me a thousand questions."

I'm like, "That's my first question," you know?

He goes, "Nah, nah. What do I do..."

they would make it up as they go along.

He said, "What do I do? No, you know chain-link fences?

You ever seen a chain -- You know the top part,

there's that little twisty piece of metal?

You've seen them, right? That's what I do. Yeah.

It's called Lombardi's Twisty Shits.

That's the name of the company, So, yeah, fucking go --

want to talk to your friends about --

You know baseball hats, that little top button?

My company. You know what I'm saying?

It's called Pasquale Top Buttons.

Go fuck yourself.

You know your shoelaces, the little plastic at the end?

Just the left side, my company.

Yeah, why don't you go write you're fucking book report?"

You know?

But, you know, I don't know.

It's kind of just good to see my dad older now --

like, 70-something years old. He just doesn't care anymore.

It's good, freeing, relaxing kind of guy.

Like, I went to his house the other day.

He opened the door -- tighty-whitey underwear,

shit stain on the front of his underwear.

I was like, "How -- What, did you fart into a hurricane?

How do you have a shit stain on the front?

Is your asshole like a fucking half-pipe?"

I don't do drugs. You do drugs?

I don't do drugs. You do drugs?

No.

Absolutely not. I don't do them.

To be honest, I don't do them. I did them once.

I mean, I'm not going to lie to you guys.

Why lie? You know, we're fucking friends here.

Why lie? I did them once.

I really did. I did. I took an edible.

Yeah. I took the edible. And it's a candy bar.,

And basically, what you're supposed to do is,

you're supposed to take half of a half of a square

of the candy bar.

Nobody told me that.

I have a size 38 waist, and they just gave me a candy bar.

So, yeah, that's -- It got deep-throated.

I didn't even -- I just threw it back.

My dad was like, "That's gay."

You know, like... I was like, "Yeah."

Just ate the whole thing.

Whole, just sucked it back.

Because what's up?

And then...

And then...

Well, at first it didn't even hit me.

That was the problem.

So, I took a bite of another one, which --

and then, the problem started to happen.

So, it didn't hit me. It was in my bloodstream.

I didn't know. I forgot --

I genuinely forgot I even took this candy bar.

So, I went to an NHL hockey game.

Okay. Yeah, 18,000 people, I'm having a great time.

All of a sudden, the first period buzzer goes off.

I thought somebody threw a spear from the top of the arena,

through the right side of my head,

and cut off the left side of my body.

I popped up out of my chair.

I was like, "I'm having a stroke.

I'm having a stroke.

I'm having a medical emergency."

And my friends were like, "You're not having a stroke."

I was like, "I'm having a stroke.

I have to write paraplegic jokes now.

I'm having a stroke. It's over for me."

And then, I just got up. I, like, ran up the stairs.

I was, like, carrying the left side of my body.

They were like, "You're fine." I'm like, "I have to hold it.

I -- Does anybody have a duffel bag?

The left side of my body is gone."

Running around, and finally, a police officer stops me.

He goes, "Sir, are you okay?"

I was like, "No, I'm having a medical emergency."

And he goes, "No, you're not."

I was like, "Yes, I am."

He was like, "Sir, are you on drugs?"

I was like, "No."

He was like, "I'm gonna ask you one more time.

Are you on drugs?" I was like, "Yes."

He started laughing so hard

I thought he was going to shoot his gun in the air.

I genuinely thought he was just going to start firing.

He was keeled over, dying laughing.

He was like, "You're such a pussy

I can't even arrest you."

That's what he told me. That's what he told me.

He was like, "I'm not even going to fucking arrest you

because you're such -- It'd be embarrassing to me

as a law officer to arrest you."

And I was like, "Well, white privilege."

No. That was a joke.

Maybe it's true, but it was a joke. No. No.

But he didn't arrest me, because he was just --

And then, I just -- I went --

I just ran. I remember running. I ran. I got out.

He told me to get in the cab. I was like, "Okay."

So, I get in the cab.

I live on 95th Street.

I got out at 65th Street because, you know...

It was, like, 10 degrees out.

I asked the cab driver to open up

all the windows and the sun roof.

He was freezing. I was like, "He needs to."

I was like, "I'm having a stroke.

I heard that cool air calms you down and reverses the stroke."

I ran. I remember, I ran to my house, where my daughter was.

I ran. I opened the door.

I was like, "I need to talk to the baby's stuffed animals.

I need to -- Where's Piggy?

Get me Piggy."

And then, I spoke to Piggy, and Piggy was like,

"Go take a shower with your shoes on.

Just do it. Go take a shower with your shoes on.

That's what you need to do. Shit your pants,

and then go take a shower with your shoes on."

And I never want to take an edible again,

but I also would take an edible again.

Like, if you were like, "Dude, you want to do an edible

and go hang some lights," I'll fucking do it, you know?

You want to do that shit?

Yeah.

But you don't do drugs?

Yeah, you shouldn't. Don't do them, man.

It was bad.

It was fucking bad. But hold on.

I mean, I don't know. Do what you want, I guess, in a way.

I don't know what to do.

Are your parents together? They are?

Wow. Look at fucking -- That's rare now.

My parents are divorced.

My parents got -- My daughter is going to grow

in a world where most people are divorced.

If she comes home and, like, Johnny's parents are married,

I'll be like, "Baby, stay the fuck away from Johnny

and his cult parents. I mean, what are they, Amish?"

Yeah, parents divorced.

My mom is dating again.

That's nice. You know, I'm 33 years old.

I want her -- I want my mom to be happy.

I like her new boyfriend. He's a nice guy.

He told me recently that he has polio, and that took a minute.

I was like, "What do you mean?

You had polio, or you have polio?"

He goes, "No, I have polio."

I'm like, "What, did you have sex with a ghost?

It's fucking -- What is this, 1927?

How the hell did you get polio?"

I got vaccinated 47 times by the time I was 3 for polio.

Now, you're limping around the living room

dripping polio on everything.

It's, like, I already have an anxiety condition.

I can't worry about if my polio vaccine still fucking works.

And his name is Phineas.

That's his actual, real-deal birth name -- Phineas.

I'm like, "Ma, where did you meet a guy named Phineas

with polio? Do you...

Were you at a Civil War re-enactment?"

Like, "Look at him with the musket.

Oh, what's that, a bayonet? All right.

Put me in a corset, I'll pass out, you know?"

We went out for breakfast.

I ordered bacon and eggs -- normal person, this century.

He asked for porridge.

I was like, "It's oatmeal, dickface.

The waitress doesn't have a feather-tipped pen

to take your bullshit porridge order.

We're at a diner in New Jersey."

Like, what the...

But who's the victim? You know, like, think about it.

Who's the victim? It's not me. It's not my mom.

You know, Phineas has been through enough.

That's hard -- 2018, polio.

You know, it's...

It's my father, right?

How pissed would you be if your wife left you

for a guy with polio?

Could you imagine? Fucking mind --

Because my dad is a prideful dude --

very prideful, like, you know?

And he asks about my mom sometimes, like,

"How's your mother? Not that I give a shit,

but does she talk about me?"

I'm like, "She's got a new boyfriend now.

The guy has polio."

Just laughing. He's like, "Whatever.

Your mother's new boyfriend has polio.

Interesting. Tell your mother my new girlfriend

has scurvy, all right?

And rickets, fricking whooping cough, dysentery.

I'm actually -- I'm banging a T. rex fossil

with Bubonic plague."

I was like, "I got to tell the real reason."

My dad -- 5'6", 385 pounds.

-Yeah. That's a good laugh.

Thank you. That was how -- Yeah.

It's crazy, right? He think it looks good.

He's like, "Is that good? You think 385 looks good?"

I'm like, "Yeah, if you're a baby rhino."

Okay? You have type 12 diabetes.

He just doesn't get it. The other day --

His blood sugar is never supposed to go above 100.

He calls me the other day.

He's like, "My blood sugar is 850.

Is that too much, or is there, like, a range?

I feel good, except my feet fell off.

The only thing, I got no feet,

but figured I'd fucking peg-leg like a pirate.

Maybe your mother is into that. No?

All right. I'm losing consciousness. See you."

I knew it, dude. I fucking knew it.

Yeah, but you guys are together. That's a beautiful thing.

I'm happy that you guys are together, you know?

I'm not with my daughter's mom anymore,

but it's all right, you know, co-parenting.

It's good. I'm -- Honestly, I'm happy.

It's not -- we -- You know, we love our child.

I'm happy. I want to pay $4,000 a month.

She needs it for the child, you know?

Diapers are made of fucking diamonds,

so I want to give it to her, because my daughter,

yeah, she needs -- she needs Yeezy diapers, so...

$4,000 a month. Yeah.

You know, I live out of the back of my Corolla,

but that's fine, you know.

That's fine. You can build me a house, maybe.

But it's like, you know, shit is always my fault.

No matter what, it's my fault, always. And --

Like, my daughter, she swallowed a magnet last week.

Fucking kids. My kid is nuts.

She swallowed a magnet. And her mother calls me,

and she's like, "You got to come to the ER.

Your daughter just swallowed a magnet."

I was like, "I'm drunk right now."

I was like, "It's my night off. I have --"

And it was too much.

Like, I had, like, you know, 20 beers or something like that.

I went nuts. I mean, I was really drunk.

Like, I tried to sober up, but I was hammered, like,

where I couldn't even feel my limbs.

You ever do that where, like, the right arm is the left arm

and you're just a torso?

I just felt like a torso just, like, wading through.

I was like, "Oh, boy."

And then, I get to the hospital,

and she's like, "Are you drunk right now?"

I'm like, "Are you drunk right now?

You ever think maybe you're drunk right now?"

She goes, "I can't believe you're drunk right now."

I'm like, "I didn't know you were going to feed

our daughter pieces of the refrigerator. Okay?"

I mean, I thought that you were going to

give her macaroni and cheese, not --

What is it, fucking "X-Men" night?

And it was my fault. She's mad at me, and it's like,

"I'm the one that had to do the dirty work."

I looked through her poop for the next three days.

I searched it like border patrol

till I found that fucking magnet.

Cleaned it off, threw it back at her mom.

I was like, "Here. Missing something?"

No, I didn't throw it back at her.

She just wears, like, big hoop earrings.

So, I went -- I was like, "This is the magnet."

Just -- It hit her in the earring.

I got her a new earring though.

She was like, "You broke my shit. You broke my earring."

With her name in the middle. It's true. But it's okay.

I mean, it's a stereotype, but it's --

Like, it's truly her, you know?

She's like, "Why you lie about me?"

I'm like, "It says Carmen in your earrings."

"It's not Carmen. It's Carmen."

I'm like, "Okay. All right.

Who the fuck is Carmen?" It's great.

It was great being in a relationship with her,

but I didn't know, like, Latina women --

Like, I didn't know that, like, you're under investigation.

Like, it's just, when you date a Puerto Rican girl,

you need to have the answers quick.

You need to, like, have facts right away.

Because they will interrogate you,

and if you don't have the answers quick,

you look like a liar. And they watch men.

They are designed to watch me.

Watching, waiting, that's what they do.

They'd make excellent NFL referees.

I think if you had Puerto Rican girls reffing the games,

you'd have zero missed calls the whole season,

because they see everything.

That's just what the --

Could you imagine they were the refs?

They would be right there like,

"Um, you're out of bounds, stupid.

No. No. No.

I mean...for real?

You out of bounds. I don't need instant replay.

I instantly saw you step out of bounds, so...

I mean, I don't even know the rules.

Just go home. Bye. You out the game."

But they're, like, bipolar, too.

Be like, "Number 42, you out the game --

but you cute, though.

No, like, if I'm being honest with you, you cute,

but go home. Go be with the cheerleaders."

I'm telling you.

ISIS -- the FBI is always complaining about

how they can't keep track of ISIS.

They're like, "We don't have enough manpower."

I'm like, "Yeah, you do."

Just have Puerto Rican girls start going undercover

and dating suspected members of ISIS.

You'll know where they are 24/7, 365.

You'll never lose...

Because he doesn't know that she knows.

That's the thing. You never know that you're being watched.

You just think you can get away with anything.

Like, you know, he would think he would go to the Middle East

or something, go get radicalized.

He'd go to open up his suitcase.

She'd pop out of the suitcase and be like,

"Oh, hello, Mohammad.

What did you forget?

What did you forget?

What are you doing, building a bomb?

First of all, this ass is the bomb, so, like,

that's why I feel disrespected, because you don't see

that you got bombs right here. But that's what you --

Oh, you wore the turban I bought you. That's nice."

Listen, it was -- You know, it was great,

but it's just, after a while it's like, "Jesus, always --"

Like, I'm a comic -- travel, you know, go on the road.

I would, you know, come home being all excited

to see everybody, and she would take the brush

out of my bag -- first a brush out of my bag --

and look through every bristle for hairs,

as if I'm having sex with girls

and then asking them to comb their hair.

I mean, what kind of fucking psycho --

Am I Buffalo Bill from "Silence of the Lambs"?

"It likes it when you comb the hair. Put the..."

You know? Tried to have a conversation

with my dad about that.

I'm like, "What am I supposed to do, Dad?

Now, she's taking the brush out of my bag."

He goes, "You have a brush, you homo?"

"Geez, brushes and yogurts, you're a bottom."

I was like, "Power bottom, cuz."

No. That's what I love --

That's what I fucking love about this city, man.

Brooklyn is great. Got all different kinds of people.

It's beautiful, you know?

The part of Brooklyn I'm from, like, nobody really even travels.

Like, nobody gets off the block, you know?

They're like, "Oh, Chris made it to the intersection."

You know, but I travel. I get to see stuff.

With this job, you get to go see stuff, but, like --

And things, like, I don't know a lot.

Like, I kind of know a lot,

but we don't learn as much as we should.

Like, news doesn't get to Brooklyn sometimes.

Like, I went to England, and I was like,

"Oh, this will be great. This is where they invented English.

I'll speak the language.

You know, I know the language, and it'll be easy." But wrong.

Different words mean different things.

Nobody told me that.

Like, "last name" is not "last name" when get there.

They switch it.

Surname. I didn't know that.

I get to the UK border.

They're like, "What's your surname?"

I was like, Sir Christopher Distefano."

I didn't know. I was like, "Brooklyn Knight.

You know who the fuck I am.

Give me all your finest meats and cheeses."

"Fank you." That's what they do.

They change the TH to an F, and then you're British.

"Fank you! Fank you!"

"Brilliant." They love that word over there.

"Oh, it's brilliant. This is brilliant. It's brilliant."

That's a high honor of a word in the US.

You can't just run around

and say the shit I do is brilliant, you know?

I'll get emotional.

But over there -- "Oh, look at that homeless guy.

Look at him petting a dead ferret.

Isn't that brilliant?"

I was like, "Isn't that heroin?"

I mean, like, he's on crystal meth.

I mean, he's petting a dead animal legit in public.

Let's pick a new word and regroup.

I mean, it's the opposite --

You guys are smart people, but, like, this is not, you know --

They don't call liquor "liquor."

They were calling it "spirits." Nobody told me that.

My friend was like, "Hey, you want to come over to my place?

Come on. We have loads of spirits."

I was like, "Yeah, I'm not going

to your haunted fucking house, all right?

All right, Nigel?

No fank you. Let's just eat a Fig Newton."

Yeah, dude, I just try and see shit, you know?

I went to Canada, too. I'm a patriot, dude.

I bleed red, white, and blue,

So, like, when I go to other countries,

I don't want to do their things. But Canada was pushy.

They were like, "Come on, you've got to have a ginger ale.

Have a Canada Dry ginger ale." I said, "No, thank you.

Schweppes all day motherfucker, okay?

It's what I do. Shit is canned in Pittsburgh."

Schweppes.

Canada was interesting. I was in Edmonton, Canada,

and they have the biggest population of Somalian people

outside of Somalia live in Edmonton, Canada.

That's a fact.

And then, I went to their mall,

and in the middle of their mall, they have this huge pirate ship.

I'm like, "How do you have the Somalians

and then you have the pirate ship?"

Don't get mad when one of them jumps on the ship and goes,

"Look at me. I am your captain now,"

and then raids the H&M.

There was a lot of steps to that joke.

Okay. I did -- Yeah.

I mean, I'm trying to fucking tie in Somalians

and a fucking "Captain Phillips" reference.

You thought I said salami.

You were like, "What?"

He's like, "I could go for some proscuitt."

Good extra laugh.

I appreciate that. Thank you.

You're like, "I want to get this laugh on camera."

Norway. I went to Norway. That was nuts.

Shit was blowing my mind in Norway

that really shouldn't have blown my mind.

Like, I should know -- you know, but it was --

I was sitting in a restaurant.

Waiter comes over.

He's like, "Oh, would you like reindeer meat?"

I was like, "Reindeer? That's a real animal?

What do you mean reindeer? You have reindeer flying around?

Yes! I -- Yeah, can I have dragon soup, too?

Yeah. I want to eat fucking Narnia.

Yeah, let's do it. Fart pixie dust, sure.

I'll do it, sir. Yeah."

And then, he got an attitude me, this guy.

Can you believe it? I swear. It was right in front of me.

He goes, "Yeah, stupid American."

I was like, "Sven, listen, watch your mouth. Okay?

You're from Norway. I'm from America.

Let's understand -- We're the back-to-back World War champs.

Don't forget that shit. Okay?

Just don't forget it. Don't forget it."

Yeah.

I'll take the reindeer and fly them home, where they're free.

Okay? I'll make the reindeers great again.

You want to do a little fist pump at that,

but I know you're doing, and you're like,

"Nah, I'm in the wrong spot, cuz."

Whatever. Should have -- you know, we're in a --

Everything is history.

You know, we'll go history, history.

We're part of history.

History is -- Some of it's a lie, though.

Like, I went to President George Washington's house --

first president of the United States, the Father of Freedom.

That's what they called him -- "the Father of Freedom."

I went to his house. They show you all over,

the Father of Freedom's living room.

Here's the Father of Freedom's kitchen, and then,

like, this is the Father of Freedom's slave barracks.

I was like, "Father of Freedom had slaves?

I would have never voted for him if I knew he had --

I ain't about that life."

Benjamin Franklin, that's who the first president

should have been. No slaves. He was against it.

Yep. Just syphilis.

That's what he had. That was -- Yeah.

He was like, "I don't enslave people.

I enslave that pussy. That's what I do."

Yeah, just fucking man's man.

Somebody hitting the skins all up and down the 13 Colonies.

Yeah. That's why his face is on the $100 bill.

There was no debate about that.

They were like, "You gets the hundo for getting the punani

in the name of America. You earned it."

He was the smartest man America had to offer.

He could have easily invented a condom.

He said, "No, thank you. Benny Frank keeps it wet," okay?

How's your girl, player?"

♪ How's your girl? ♪

You good? Chapstick, you good?

Get it on?

Good beard, dude. It's a good beard.

Are you a barista?

Why do you look like that, then?

You have barista face.

No, but it's fine though. But you work in --

Where do you work, at the Apple Store?

Where do you work?

In tech. Yeah, yeah, that's tech face.

Yeah. Good, good.

You live in the new Brooklyn?

You don't? Why do you have a ponytail?

Are you in a band?

Why the fuck do you look like that, then?

I don't understand. What do you do?

Do you work at a flea market? Start-up?

Oh, a start-up, right, a start-up, yeah.

All right.

Where's the best acai bowl place?

Yeah? Yeah, you know it.

Yeah. You're a good kid.

I like you. And you guys are together?

Oh, okay. You want to be?

No? You don't? No.

I'm sorry. By the way, I called you "dude" in the beginning.

I did not mean to assume your gender.

I apologize.

I apologize, because I know -- I did not --

I apologize for using --

If I used the wrong pronoun to offend you, my bad.

Pronoun.

I would love for somebody to say that to my dad.

"You used the wrong pronoun." He'd be like, "What's a pronoun?

What's that, like, a noun in the NBA?

I don't know what a fucking pronoun is."

Crazy. Dude, I knew it.

Listen, we live in a good --

I knew straight white guys were going down.

I knew it. About three, four years ago,

I said, "Uh-oh. Time is up."

That's -- That's when

I started using "time's up." I knew it.

That's why I have a Puerto Rican daughter.

I did it for my career. Oh, yeah.

Anytime anybody is like, "What do you have to say,

you straight white male piece of shit?"

I'm like, "Have you met Jalisa?"

All right, guys. Have a nice night.

Thank you very much.

It was fun.

It was fun. Yes.

Thank you, guys. I'll see you outside.

Fucking see you outside.

Thank you, guys. Enjoy it. Thank you.