All language subtitles for Chris.Distefano.Size.38.Waist

Cuz, you sure
you should be eating

that much meat
before a show?

Cuz, meats and sweets is what
I need to feed my bitch hips.

It's just how I roll.
-Excuse me.

Do you know where the nearest
farmer's market is?

Farmer's market?
There's no farms.

You're in New York. It's just
Puerto Ricans and pizza.

Stop microaggressing us.

What are you saying?
Microaggressing?

-It's called --
-Microaggressing, yeah.

When you masturbate,
do you just go, "Bernieee"?

-Chris.
-Whoa!

What are you doing
out here?

You should be inside
getting ready.

-Whoa.
-Chazz Palminteri?

I told you I know
Chazz Palminteri.

This kid is always
thinking I'm lying.

He knows me.Chazz, thank you so much
for introducing me.

You know I love you, babe.

The show is gonna
be great tonight.

It's gonna knock your socks off.
I promise you that.

I can't see
the show, Chris.

I'm headed over
to see Arcade Fire

do a secret show
in Bushwick.

I'll see you fellas
at the venue.

Yeah.

Wheatgrass.

Cleans you out.

Yo, Brooklyn has changed.

I want to cry.

Let's have
a good show.

Yeah, let's go
be funny.

Man: Give it up for
Chazz Palminteri, everybody!

Thank you.

Thank you very much.
Thank you.

Thanks a lot.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Brooklyn.

Brooklyn, Brooklyn!

You know,
thank you very much.

My father always used to say
that the saddest thing

in life is wasted talent,

and the choices you make
will shape your life forever.

Well, lucky that the guy
I'm about to introduce

didn't waste his talent,

and he's made
great choices --

like having me
introduce him

because I locked the doors,
and now youse can't leave, okay?

Ladies and gentlemen, this is
really one funny, funny guy.

Give it up for
Chris Distefano!

Chris: Hi.

Thank you.

Do you --
You're lying.

You don't mean it.

Are you --
Is it for me, or for Chazz?

Listen, you guys,
great crowd.

Great energy, you know?
And it's mostly white people,

so that's surprising,
you know?

Because usually, when it's
kind of almost all white,

it's not as great as it is --
but you guys, yeah, it's good.

I'm white.
You know, it's kind of hard...

It's kind of hard
to be white, right?

I mean, I deal with it, but,
you know, I have white issues.

Yeah.
Eczema, you know?

I mean, scoliosis,
gluten allergies, all that.

Moderate to severe
plaque psoriasis.

You know what I'm
talking about, right?

White ailments.
You know, you've got ailments,

then you've got the ointments
that help with the ailments.

But you know, I'm one of
the good white people.

I got to be honest.
I'm one of the good ones.

It's a bad --
Yeah, white people.

I'm from New York, so, it's
like, you know, we're the good.

I'm not, like,
Midwest, South white.

Like, I'm the city white.

Like, I'm all about
cultural diversity or what --

I'm more Filipino than some
Filipino people, you know?

Like, there's 9 million
people in this city,

so you can't be,
you know?

But the new white is kind of
a little bit like, "All right."

You know, it's like this hipster
person that loves himself.

"Yoga classes! Fruit shakes!

Racial harmony! We're going to
make a difference!"

It's like, "You're going
to get shot," okay?

I feel like --
I mean, listen,

I know you're having
a good time with yourself,

but you're on
a unicycle, okay?

So, yeah, just --
listen, have a good time.

Knock yourself out. But you're
coming down my block on a wheel,

so we take that
as a direct threat.

You know what
I'm saying?

Like, I don't know
what you want me to say, like...

And they're
very nice people,

like, this new --
Everybody here

looks like they're probably
from New York, right?

You're from New York, right?
You're fucking in the --

You're wearing
a union sweatshirt.

Yeah, you're from --
You're as New York -- yeah.

You're a human fucking
piece of Sheetrock.

I know you're
from New York.

You're like, "Nah, I built
this whole set for you, cuz!

What you talking about?
New York!"

You got the Yankees symbol
tattooed on your ball sack.

I know who you are.
Yeah, dude.

That -- Fuck! Boom, look!
I knew it!

See? I mean, dude, listen.

I fucking knew it.

There's not...

Fucking did it.
We did it.

Thank you, Derek -- whoever
god of New York gave me that.

Thank you.
Dude, I knew it, bro.

All right.
What was that?

No, seriously, so, I'm saying,
so, we, you know,

normal Brooklyn guy.
But this new --

This new -- And we get --
Like, because, when you're

from New York, like, there's
an attitude that we have.

Like, nobody is nice to you,
but I'm comfortable with that.

Like, I'd prefer that.
That's my speed, you know?

These new people are so nice,
it's, like, offensive to me,

because they come,
they have manners.

They come in, you know,
"Hey, sir, good morning!"

I'm like,
"Who the fuck are you?"

Dude, listen,
just don't talk to me, okay?

I know you're new here,

but if you see something,
say something.

But other than that,
we're just out here.

We're getting bagels.
We're going back in our house.

Like, we don't --
You know, I kind of don't --

But, you know,
you can't say anything.

I don't say anything.
But I'm...

And I just feel like
the new man to me, like,

this new kind of hipster man
acts like a child, in a way,

because they're coddled.
It's a very --

You know how it is.
It's changed.

Everybody is soft now,
sensitive, which is --

There's positive shit in that,
but I just --

You know, to me, it's --
I got hit.

I would get punched in the face
by family members, friends.

Like, you would love to hit me.
I know that.

And you're --
That would be like a "hello."

You'd be like,
"What's up, fuck-face?"

You know, hit back, and I'd be
like, "Oh, that's cute.

You know, now I'm going to be
the best man at your wedding."

But, you know,
nobody gets hit anymore.

Now, you just get an e-mail
in all caps lock,

and it's like, "Yeah!"

But, like, you know,
so, I would --

If I did something stupid,
I get popped,

and then, you're good.
But now, no.

The new man --
Because, the other day

I saw a guy, he was, like,
legit 45 years old

going to work on a scooter.
He was on a scooter.

You've probably seen these
people -- suit, helmet, scooter.

Grown man, probably with
a family. Not a Vespa.

Are you guys thinking
I'm saying -- I'm not
talking about machinery.

I'm talking about a fucking
scooter, just doing this.

Grown man, like this, smiling,
just gliding down the street.

I was like,
"Do you think your wife

is not cheating on you?"

You know?

I mean, like, yeah.

Why would she not
be cheating on you?

Like, you know?

I can't think of reasons
she wouldn't be cheating on you.

I was with my boys. I was like,
"Do you think this --

Do you think this guy's wife
is cheating on him?"

They were like,
"Yeah, we bang his wife.

That's why we're here, dude.

Yeah, we don't know
why you're here,

but we're here
for the gangbang."

Just think about
your father.

Think about that man
right now.

Could you imagine if he left
the house one day on a scooter?

Think about your dad, dude.
Think about...

Think about fucking --
Could you imagine?

I would look at my mother
and be like,

"Listen to me --
Dad is gone, okay?

Just do me a favor,
forget about Dad, okay?

I'm 6 years old.
I run the whole operation now.

So, you know, let me go
learn shapes and shit,

and then,
we'll figure out --

Dad is playing hopscotch
in the back.

We lost...
You know, we lost Dad."

But you can't say anything.
What are you going to do?

I just observe.
I just see this, and it's fine.

You know, if -- The other day,
I saw a guy jogging.

He was wearing those shoes

that you could put
each individual toe into.

I was like, "Can I tell you
the top 10 reasons I hate you?

It's each one of your toes
moving independently, okay?"

The last thing
I ever wanted to see

when I woke up this morning
was the dexterity of your feet.

It's disgusting."

And then,
he was like,

"Um, yeah, it gives my soul
a better workout."

That's what he said to me,
this guy.

I was like, "I want to punch
you in your soul

and watch it explode
into kale chips."

I want it to happen so bad,
but I won't.

I don't hit. I won't hit.
You can't hit. I won't hit.

I'm non-violent, non-binary,
non not-fat latte.

I'm just Chris-y Nons.
I don't -- Yeah.

I can't,
not with this face.

I got German fucking
Gestapo face.

I can't.
I'm too, you know, I'm too --

I look like the problem,
you know what I mean?

I told you I'm one
of the good ones,

but people want to fucking --
Yeah.

Some of you guys got --
You got whistle-blower face.

Right here, you,
with the glasses?

You want to blog
about this face bad.

I won't let you do it.
No.

You won't put me
in a hashtag.

No, you look like
a nice guy.

If anything goes wrong tonight,
you got my back?

I -- Fuck yeah, you --

Do you have a gun on you?
You have your hand in --

This guy has his hand
in his left pocket.

You can't --
The cameras picked that up.

Do you have a weapon?

You are great.
I like you guys.

Fucking New York, you know?

I like other places, too,
but I -- I don't know.

I'm just, like, a city,
you know, person.

I have a kid now --
which, a lot of people

don't want to have kids anymore.
No.

Oh, yeah, of course.

So, any people have children?
Okay. Not you.

No kids. Kids?
Oh, you got a kid? Yeah.

Yeah, no, some people
won't have kids.

You know, like, "I'm waiting
for the right time."

I'm like,
"You're 75 years old."

You know, like,
either do it or don't do it.

But, yeah, beautiful, my baby --
2 years old.

Half Puerto Rican, half Italian.
That's a mix, right there.

Yes, some of you,
Puerto Rican and Italian?

Yep. Yeah.
I named her --

I named her
"West Side Story."

That's what I wanted to do.
Like, it fits.

She gets mad,
I'm like, "West Side!"

You know?
Get over here, West Side!

Yeah, that's a real
New York thing to do --

Italians, Puerto Ricans,
have a little baby.

And listen, those are
emotional cultures,

Italians and
the Puerto Ricans?

That's -- I have a dramatic,
emotional little baby.

I have a problem
on my hands.

I'm not going to lie
to you guys

because, you know, she's
a toddler, but she's a woman.

She's just a miniature
baby woman.

Already has opinions,
you know,

doesn't take what I say
at face value.

She's very suspicious.

Like, this girl is my whole
pride and joy, everything to me,

and she's, like,
generally annoyed

at everything I do,
always.

Like, I'll come home.

She'll be like,
"Look who decided to show up.

Look. Look."

Just stands there
on angles.

Like, she learned how to walk
5 minutes ago,

and she's standing there
like that with her pacifier,

smoking it
like a cigarette.

"Whose crayon is this?
It's not my crayon.

So, like, do you have
another family or...

Because it's just interesting to
me that this is not my crayon."

"Go be with her,"
you know what I'm saying?

Like, fucking crazy.

"Did you forget
you have a family?"

I'm like, "I've been gone
for 10 minutes."

She always walks around wild.
Her hair is always nuts.

She always looks like
she just got electrocuted.

I don't know how
to comb her hair.

I mean, I try.
I try to comb it --

I only know how
to comb it like this,

and we both just look like --
both look like two douchebags

just walking down the street,
you know?

Yeah, people --
People don't want to have --

Good laugh over there.
You have a kid?

They don't want to have kids.
They don't want to do it.

And everybody wants to be,
like, a part of everything.

You notice that?
Like, everybody's got a --

Like, I'm a parent
because I have a child.

That's why I'm a parent.
And if you don't have a --

If you don't have a child,
it's okay,

but you're just not a parent.
I'm sorry.

I was in one of these new
Brooklyn coffee shops,

and this guy was like,
"You have to respect my right

as a parent even though
I don't have children."

I was like, "No, I don't.
That's genuinely, like,

the definition of having
a parent is having a --

of being a parent
is having a child,

and you don't
have a child."

He's like, "Well, I have cats."
I'm like, "Good for you."

Like, I like animals, too, but
it's not the same thing, okay?

I mean, if I threw your cat
off a balcony tomorrow,

I would get a high five
from a cop -- just boom --

and maybe a summons.
It depends.

It depends if they're trying
to fill a quota.

But it wouldn't
be an issue.

It's just, I know
it wouldn't be an issue.

I know -- And I do like cats,
but most people would be like,

"All right.
It's one less cat."

You know, it's not --
It's okay.

I mean, you know, they pop up,
they're fine.

But this guy was like,
"You have to."

He's like,
"The cats are my children."

I'm like, "Okay. You're living
in one of the only times

in history
where you won't get killed

almost immediately
for saying that."

I mean, if this was 1600 Salem,
Massachusetts,

and you walked
into the village,

and you said, "These are
my children, the cats,"

they would burn you
at the stake right away.

I mean, there would not
even be a trial.

They would be like,
"Strap him up. Light him up.

It's fucking witchcraft,
and we want it out of here."

And the whole town would clap.
They would clap.

Yep. Be like,
"Yeah, get them out of here."

Not like this,
but they would just -- Yeah.

That was -- I didn't need
you guys to clap, but thank you.

I just felt like, "Oh, look,
they'll do anything I want."

Yeah, dude,
but I don't know.

Trying to -- Look, again,
I like the new world.

I like it. It's progressive.
It's cool.

All that stuff is --
But it's just, you know,

everybody wants
to be in control.

Everybody wants to plan
their pregnancies now.

That's the new thing. Everyone
planning their pregnancies.

"Folic acid, vegetables.

I don't want any adversity
in the womb."

It's like, "Well, your kid
is going to be a pussy."

Okay, I mean, listen,
you can do what you want.

Bowl with bumpers.
That's your right.

But we're going to have to
deal with your kid.

All right?
I mean, I don't worry

about my daughter,
not at all.

You know why?
She was unplanned.

You know what that means?
She's a survivor.

Okay?

Yeah.

Fucking survivor, yeah.

The odds she beat
were incredible.

I mean, the shit she survived
as an embryo

we couldn't survive
as fully-grown adults. No way.

15 morning-after pills --
my kid beat every single one.

Yeah.

She was just down there like,
"No, Daddy.

No, Daddy. No, Daddy."

She grew arms
2 months ahead of schedule

to swat away Plan Bs
like Dikembe Mutombo.

She's like, "No, no, no,
not today," just fucking --

Yeah.
She didn't care.

Yeah.
We would throw them down there.

She would throw
them back out.

Now, it's like,
"Oh, you tried to kill me?

Now, I'm gonna
try to kill you.

So, like, eye for an eye,
Daddy."

You got kids, right?

One kid, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yo, it's old-school guys.

Yeah, I have a fucking kid.

Yeah, dude.

Rocco?
What's its name?

-Benjamin.
-Oh, Benjamin?

Oh, fucking look at you,
like an aristocrat.

Fucking so nice, Benjamin.

We call him fucking
Benny Diapers, buddy, Benjamin.

Yeah, fucking Benjamin,
something nice.

Benjamin.

Yeah, I told you,
everybody is coddled now.

Everybody --
Have you noticed that?

Like, everybody, it's like,
"Oh, it's okay." It's coddled.

Like, you never knew anybody

with a peanut allergy
before 2007.

You never met a --
I went to school in this city.

9 million people, I never met
anybody with a peanut allergy.

And I know everybody.

Not as many people as you,
but I know everybody, you know?

I know the people
you know.

It's like, now, people got --
I got a nephew.

He has a peanut allergy, and he
talks shit to me all the time.

He runs his mouth
every time he comes over.

He runs his mouth.

I'm like, "First of all,
I'm your uncle, okay?

I'll give you one of these
and fucking paralyze you.

Just boom, bang,
I'll knock you out.

You can't -- be able
to feel the right arm --

your right arm for a year."
You know what I mean?

And then, I'm also like,
"Look, I'm your uncle.

Like, I don't really love you.
You know what I'm saying?

Like, I tolerate you because,
yeah, your mom is my sister.

But, like, I don't
fucking like her either,

to be honest with you.
She's a bitch.

She flushed my figurines
down the toilet in 1993.

I'm looking for payback.
You're an easy target.

Listen..."

I mean, yeah.
Peanut allergy?

"You're the definition of
making it look like an accident.

It's so easy to make it --
so just watch your mouth.

You know, get through
the next 12 hours, we'll see.

We'll see what you do,
you know?"

Yeah, he runs his mouth,
always talking.

Like, I've checked on him.
He slept at my house last week.

I checked on him.
I opened the door.

I was like, "Hey, buddy,
are you okay?"

He's like, "Yeah, I'm fine.
What's your problem?"

I was like, "What do you mean,
what's my problem?

What's your problem?"

He's like, "Oh, what's my
problem? You're my problem."

I'm like, "No, cashews
are your problem, okay.

I mean,
are you kidding me?

I haven't been able
to bring an Almond Joy

within 1,000 feet of here since
I met you, bubble boy fuck.

I'm not your problem.

You're allergic to peanuts.
That's a real problem.

I mean, all I have to do
is bring a Snickers in here

and your life is over.
Do you understand?"

Just walk around with a handful
of pecans, and just walk around.

I'm like, "Clean your room.
No? Fuck you. How about --"

"All right. I'll get the EpiPen.
I'll get it."

Walk around with an AK-47
full of epinephrine

just in case this kid
steps on a fucking walnut.

But, you know,
this kid has got real issues.

I don't know, dude.
I worry about it.

You're from New York,
too, right?

I can see the fucking tattoo
on your arm.

Jail time? What have you done?
Looks like a jail tat.

You're like, "Maybe tonight,
you keep looking at me, cuz.

Why don't you just fucking
do your jokes

and make fun of Benjamin?"

I like the attitude,
fucking yeah.

I don't know.
I feel like...

I just worry about us
a little bit, as a country,

you know, because
it's getting a little soft.

Like, I'm -- Are we going
to lose World War III?

I don't know. It's happening.
We may lose.

All the enemy has to do
is dip their weapons in gluten

and it's fucking over,
you know?

What if North Korea
throws a gluten bomb?

The streets will run brown
with diarrhea, and then --

I worry about it.

I just worry about it.
No. We'll never lose.

This is the first joke
I told all night.

Are you kidding me?
We're America.

This is the back-to-back
World War champs.

Don't forget that shit.

That's true.
That's a fact.

That's a fact, Benjamin.

We --
Oh, absolutely.

We're 2-0.
Look it up -- 2-0.

People step up.
They get knocked down.

That's just how
it works, okay?

Listen, I'm not going to go
because of my psoriasis

and shit, but like,
I just -- You go.

I'm going to get very itchy
during conflict,

but I'll tweet the enemy.
I'm like, "Fuck you, Isis!"

you know?

But I'm not going to go.

Back-to-back
World War champs.

I didn't create that.
I don't want to take credit.

I did not write that.
But I have a T-shirt.

I legit bought
a T-shirt that says,

"Back-to-Back
World War Champs."

This is why people hate us
as a country, okay?

I mean, it's just --
Look no further than that,

why the rest of the world
hates us.

We're making garments
that proudly say,

"Back-to-Back
World War Champs."

I wear it.
I'm not going to lie to you.

I fucking -- Yeah, I wear it.

Put that shit on
every 4th of July.

It's what I do.

Put it on, fly to Japan,
walk around the airport,

"Never forget,"
and then, I fly back home.

It's what I do.

Can't come to your barbecue.
Can't come.

You all right?
Did you get upset at that one?

Okay. Because I'm like --
can't fly to --

I'm fucking joking around.
I can't fly to Japan.

My jeans are from Old Navy.
Okay? I mean, no, come on.

If Spirit Airlines
doesn't go there, I'm not going.

Just...that's the truth
of it all.

No disrespect to Spirit,
if you --

I don't know if you put
the planes together.

No disrespect.
You did say the union.

I don't know if that's
a union airline.

I apologize.
Fuck you!

I had ADHD.
I grew up --

I had ADHD,
but I had ADHD in 1990, okay,

when nobody had that shit.

All right?
There were no support groups.

There was no GoFundMe.

I was just the weird kid
that bit people.

So, I would just --
You know?

I didn't go to birthday parties,
'cause I just --

"He's in a fricking crate,"
you know?

I didn't cry about it,
I just had to go on Ritalin.

The State of New York
was like,

"He can't come back
out in public

unless he's on
some kind of medication.

He needs to be sedated."

My mother is such, like,
a nice, beautiful person.

She didn't want me to have to,
like, emotionally process

that I had to take a pill.

So, she would wrap the Ritalin
up in cheese.

I swear to God.
That was her solution.

She's like, "Honey,
what are you talking about?

It's not a pill.
It's not a pill.

It's magic cheese.

Come on. Mommy wants you
to eat your magic cheese.

Who's a good boy?"

I'm like, "What am I,
a fucking beagle?"

You know?

I'm a bad kid.

Just break it up and let me
snort it because --

Yeah.
I mean...

I sell the magic cheese
in school.

That's what I do.

$20 a slice
I get for this shit.

People are requesting
provolone.

Enough with the Swiss.
It has holes in it.

Product falls through the hole.
It's a whole thing.

You know what I'm talking about.
It's a whole thing.

People are like, "Yeah."

Yeah, dude.

I had anxiety, though --
real anxiety.

And I don't come from the --
I don't have, like,

the kind of friends and family
you can have anxiety, you know,

but I have it, bad.
But I was born with it.

As soon as I came out
of the womb, shit hit the fan.

I had no -- Yeah.
I just --

I was born with my thumbs
flexed in on both hands.

At first, the doctors thought
I had no thumbs.

They didn't think,
"Just turn his hand over.

There's his thumb."
No. They went zero to 100.

My mother thinks she has
this beautiful little baby boy.

The doctor is like,
"Yeah, not so fast, lady.

Your kid has got
no fucking thumbs.

So, we don't know what
he's gonna without the thumb.

He's genuinely not a human.
He can't manipulate objects,

you know, pens,
pencils, crayons?

He can scoop shit.

Yeah.

He'll be good at scooping
and/or squeezing.

Those are thumbless activities
we've identified

as strengths, yeah.
Pretty much anything else, done.

Super Bowl parties,
pull a little salsa con queso?

There you go. Dip hand."

Just walk around.
"Tostito's scoop hand?"

Yeah. But real anxiety.

You know, I was -- Yeah.
Now, my, I got to --

I told you, my daughter,
you know, she can talk now.

Any day, she's going to ask me,
"Daddy, are monsters real?"

I'm going to be like,
"Probably," you know?

I just -- I don't have friends
where you can have anxiety.

Like I said,
I can't --

I hang out with, like, real --
like, guys like you.

You can't have --
I can't fucking

come to you
with my anxiety.

Fucking you'd tell me
to go suck a dick.

That's what you would
tell me to do.

Like, "Listen, why don't you go
blow something."

You know? I know you would,
and it's hurtful.

Like, yeah, you know,
all my friends --

cops, firemen, criminals --
they don't understand.

I was like,
"I have anxiety."

They're like,
"Anxiety is for the Democrats."

I'm like, "What?"

"I don't know. Go ask Hillary
about your anxiety."

That's what one of
my friends told me.

One of my friends
is a fireman.

He's got, like, five medals
for pulling people out of fires.

If you knew his political views,
you'd be like,

"Just let me burn."
You'd be like, "Yeah, I'm good.

I'm good, sir.
Why don't you go --

Yeah. Go make
the firehouse great again."

I'm fucking, you know,
like, "I'm good."

But, you know, one of those
tough-guy families, and I'm --

Listen, I'm "tough."
I'm not really tough.

Like, I look tough --
like, sometimes people are like,

"Oh, you're in shape."
I'm not.

If I took my shirt off
right now,

I look like the melting candle
from "Beauty and the Beast,"

just rows of tits.

Just look like
a pregnant pit bull.

I can hide it in shoulders,
but I'm just soft, you know?

I got a -- Yeah.
Been eating a lot of sweets.

I got a size 38 waist.
-Ooh.

-Yeah, "Ooh."

Oh, yeah.
Thunder thighs, yeah.

38" waist, 32" length.

What kind of dimensions
are those?

I mean, I feel like
a Midwestern stepmom, you know?

I go to The Gap, I'm like,
"Do you have 38x32?"

They're like, "No,
we don't, Diane, okay?

Why don't you have
another fucking crepe,

fatty-pants bitch hips?

You're eating
your feelings."

Like, my grandpa --
very tough man, very tough man.

He actually fought
in World War II.

So did everybody's
grandpa, right? That's,
like, not a big deal.

That was just a war
of all grandpas.

My grandpa was in the Mafia,
true blue.

Yeah, true blue Mafia guy.
-Whoo!

Okay.
Not usually the wrong --

I thought you would whoo,
but who the --

That was a soft whoo, too.
It was like, "Whoo-hoo!

I'm writing an exposé
on the Mafia."

That's what it sounded like.

"Can I talk to you
for my research?"

Yeah, Mafia.
But fought in World War II,

which I always thought
was interesting.

It's like, "You're a criminal.
You're in the Mafia,

but then you're going to go
fight in the war?

You're not good
with authority."

Like, it's interesting.

Like, he was probably annoying
on the battlefield.

Like, anything the general said,
my grandpa was like,

"Yeah, how about no?
How about -- "

Yeah.

"Why don't you
go do it, Eisenhower?

I don't fucking care."

Probably showed up
to every battle, like,

not even wearing
the uniform.

He's just out there in,
like, a wifebeater

with a sauce stain,
no gun.

Everyone else got an AK-47
assault rifle.

This guy is out there
with a fucking baseball bat.

You know, just...

"What do you
need me to do?

What? Kill people?
That's what I do.

Yeah, nah, don't worry.

I'll make the whole thing
look like an accident.

All right?

Who needs to go bye-bye?
Just, you know."

Walked up to German tanks,
flicking cigarettes at them.

"United States of Mario,
that's who's here now."

"Okay, ja."

It's like, "Grandpa, you don't
have to put the bodies

in the trunk of the tank,
okay.

Just shoot them, move up
the beach, and let's..."

Brooklyn kid, right, you?
-Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, you are.

Yeah, dude, my dad --
my dad is a great guy.

Great guy, but,
you know, he --

Like, look, some people
you're just not --

they're not going to understand,
like, the new world,

and they're just not
going to be progressive.

Like, they're never
going to be woke.

It's just,
they're asleep forever.

It's like -- Just not going to
do it. Just move on.

Like, you're never going to get
my dad to understand shit.

Like, he just thinks
everybody is gay.

That's my dad's thing.

He's like, "Everybody
is gay now, Chris."

I'm like, "Nobody is gay."

He's like, "You're gay."

I'm like, "I'm not gay."

And then,
he'll just look at me.

I'm like, "Am I gay?"
I mean, like --

Like, he just has that look
where he just looks through you.

He's like, "You're gay."

If you do anything that he
thinks is gay, you're just --

You're gay forever,
and it never changes.

Like, it's happened to me,
like, you know?

It's never even
that gay of a thing.

It's just a thing you do,
and then, boom, you get stamped.

Like, I had a blueberry yogurt
once when I was 15,

and it's never been
the same since.

Just, I'm telling you,
if he was here right now,

he'd be like,
"Lick the microphone, Chrissy.

You know you want to.

Come on. Let's go.

Yeah. Come on. Lick it.

Dip it in the Chobani.

Go call your
fucking boyfriend.

Kid loves yogurts."

Like, I imagine he was, like,
talking to his friends, like,

"You know I got
a gay son?"

They're like,
"Oh, really? We didn't know."

They're like, "I didn't know
either till he started

eating probiotics.
Then, I knew.

That's how he came out --
started eating yogurts."

He's a very supportive man,
though.

That's the problem.
Like, he's very --

Like, you want to hate him,
but you can't because
he's always got my back.

Like, no matter what,
he's got my back,

which is, like, awesome.

Even times when I haven't
been in the right.

Like, I remember when I got into
a big fight in high school once

and broke a chair
over somebody's head.

Whoops. You know?

I didn't mean to.
I just -- I don't know.

I got --
I used to get emotional.

Like, I used to cry a lot,
like, out of nowhere.

I was, like,
a bipolar mess,

and all-boy Catholic
high school,

somebody is going to --
You can't do that.

You're going to
get laughed at.

You know, so, this kid
starts laughing at me.

So, I broke the chair right over
his head, and then, I just --

That was, like,
my mother's side, sensitive,

and then,
my father, hitting.

It was like Jekyll
and Hyde shit.

And then, like, as he was
losing consciousness,

I was like, "I'm sorry."
I started writing him a poem.

Like, "I want to write you
a letter

and just take care of you."
But then, snapped out again.

So, I got thrown right out of
school, and I call my dad.

I'm like, "Dad, look, I'm --
You know, I apologize.

It's embarrassing,
but I got kicked out of school."

He goes, "No, you didn't."

I was like, "Yeah, I did."

Like, they're writing
the police report.

He goes,
"I'm coming down there."

I was like,
"Please don't come down here."

He was like,
"I'm coming down there."

I was like, "Oh, boy."

So, he just walks into
the principal's office.

You're supposed to have
a meeting, you know.

Just walks right in.

He goes,
"My son allegedly --"

Because he's a criminal.

He goes, "My son allegedly
hit somebody in the head

with a chair, and we'd like
to plead not guilty.

So, I'd like to make a plea."

I was like,
"What are you talking about?"

The principal is like,
"Sir, he --

Yeah, your son
has been expelled.

I'm sorry,
but Catholic institution,

you know, he broke a chair
over somebody's head."

My dad's like, "Is this
something money can't fix?"

Just -- He's like,
"How much --

What do you want me to do?
What do you want me to do?"

And the principal was like,
"No, sir. No thank you.

But, you know, he's expelled,
and it was nice having him here,

but he's done," and my dad goes,
"There's got to be another way."

My principal says, "Sir, I'm
sorry. There's no other way."

My dad goes,
"Let's think of another way."

He was like, "I'm here
to negotiate with you."

He's like, "Yeah,
there's no negotiations.

Your son has
been expelled."

And my dad goes,
"Think of another way."

And the principal
just gets upset.

He goes, "Sir, are you stupid?
There's no other way."

And that made my dad
really upset.

He goes, "Did you just
call me stupid?

Okay. Chrissy,
lock the door."

Oh, shit.

Listen, any time my dad
called me by my girl name,

I knew shit was
about to get real."

Oh, yeah.

As soon as he said that --
Yes, yep.

I fricking tucked it back,
and I locked that door.

I was like, "I'm your princess,"
you know?

"Do what you need to do."

Yeah, and then, my dad,
it was all business from there.

He goes, "Now,
you got two options.

First option, I come over there,
I beat the shit out of you."

He goes, "I'd rather go to jail
for the rest of my life

than you throw him out

and me have to listen
to his mother's fucking mouth

for the rest of my life.
So, either way, I'm in prison."

And the principal says,
"Sir, would you do that?

I'm a man of God."
And my dad goes,

"I lost God
September 21, 1979."

I was like,
"That was so specific."

And then, I thought back.
He was in jail then.

I was like, "I guess God
wasn't in the showers."

I was like --

I think that's all that can mean
is, like, yep.

Whew!

I was like,
"I have some questions."

He's like,
"Shut up, Chrissy!"

I was like, "Okay."
You know?

I was like,
"I'll just play."

Then, he goes,
"The second option --

just put my son
back in school.

Easy breezy."

I was like, "You can't threaten
to kill someone

and then say 'easy, breezy.'
Like, what are you --"

And I'm, like, such like
a little girl, when he said

"easy, breezy," in my head,
I went "beautiful CoverGirl."

I was like
"Shh, Chrissy. Shh."

That's why -- And yeah,
and then, the principal

put me right back
into school, of course.

I mean, guy's threatening
to kill him

and he's rhyming shit --
psychopath.

Yeah, of course I got put
right back into high school.

Nobody ever even
really found out.

Just got put in.

And it's, like,
but it's traumatizing.

I don't want to do comedy.

Okay?
I had to do comedy.

My therapist was like,
"This shit's pretty funny.

Like, I know, listen,
it sucks for you,

and you're, like, going through
a lot, but it's really --

You should talk to people
about it, because, yeah."

Yeah, so, like, you know,
my dad has always been, like...

I'm different than --
I'm the same --

Some parts are the same,
but some parts are different.

Like, I always knew my dad was
involved in some illegal shit.

I just always kind of knew.
Like, all his friends,

I would go visit his friends
when I was kid.

We'd have a barbecue
or some shit like that.

And I would go up,
and his friends always had,

like, a very specific company
that they had.

Like, it was too specific
of an item to be a real company.

I was like, "I know that this is
a front for something else.

You're laundering money
through this. I'm aware.

I'm 8 years old,
but I know," you know?

I'd walk up to people like,
"Hey, buddy,

what do you do
for a living?"

He's like, "This kid is
asking me a thousand questions."

I'm like, "That's my first
question," you know?

He goes, "Nah, nah.
What do I do..."

they would make it up
as they go along.

He said, "What do I do?
No, you know chain-link fences?

You ever seen a chain --
You know the top part,

there's that little twisty
piece of metal?

You've seen them, right?
That's what I do. Yeah.

It's called
Lombardi's Twisty Shits.

That's the name of the company,
So, yeah, fucking go --

want to talk to
your friends about --

You know baseball hats,
that little top button?

My company.
You know what I'm saying?

It's called Pasquale
Top Buttons.

Go fuck yourself.

You know your shoelaces,
the little plastic at the end?

Just the left side,
my company.

Yeah, why don't you go write
you're fucking book report?"

You know?

But, you know,
I don't know.

It's kind of just good
to see my dad older now --

like, 70-something years old.
He just doesn't care anymore.

It's good, freeing,
relaxing kind of guy.

Like, I went to his house
the other day.

He opened the door --
tighty-whitey underwear,

shit stain on the front
of his underwear.

I was like, "How -- What,
did you fart into a hurricane?

How do you have a shit stain
on the front?

Is your asshole like
a fucking half-pipe?"

I don't do drugs.
You do drugs?

I don't do drugs.
You do drugs?

No.

Absolutely not.
I don't do them.

To be honest, I don't do them.
I did them once.

I mean, I'm not going to
lie to you guys.

Why lie? You know, we're fucking
friends here.

Why lie?
I did them once.

I really did. I did.
I took an edible.

Yeah. I took the edible.
And it's a candy bar.,

And basically,
what you're supposed to do is,

you're supposed to take
half of a half of a square

of the candy bar.

Nobody told me that.

I have a size 38 waist, and they
just gave me a candy bar.

So, yeah, that's --
It got deep-throated.

I didn't even --
I just threw it back.

My dad was like,
"That's gay."

You know, like...
I was like, "Yeah."

Just ate the whole thing.

Whole, just sucked it back.

Because what's up?

And then...

And then...

Well, at first
it didn't even hit me.

That was the problem.

So, I took a bite
of another one, which --

and then, the problem
started to happen.

So, it didn't hit me.
It was in my bloodstream.

I didn't know.
I forgot --

I genuinely forgot
I even took this candy bar.

So, I went to
an NHL hockey game.

Okay. Yeah, 18,000 people,
I'm having a great time.

All of a sudden, the first
period buzzer goes off.

I thought somebody threw a spear
from the top of the arena,

through the right side
of my head,

and cut off the left side
of my body.

I popped up out
of my chair.

I was like,
"I'm having a stroke.

I'm having a stroke.

I'm having a
medical emergency."

And my friends were like,
"You're not having a stroke."

I was like,
"I'm having a stroke.

I have to write
paraplegic jokes now.

I'm having a stroke.
It's over for me."

And then, I just got up.
I, like, ran up the stairs.

I was, like, carrying
the left side of my body.

They were like, "You're fine."
I'm like, "I have to hold it.

I -- Does anybody have
a duffel bag?

The left side
of my body is gone."

Running around, and finally,
a police officer stops me.

He goes,
"Sir, are you okay?"

I was like, "No, I'm having
a medical emergency."

And he goes,
"No, you're not."

I was like, "Yes, I am."

He was like,
"Sir, are you on drugs?"

I was like, "No."

He was like, "I'm gonna
ask you one more time.

Are you on drugs?"
I was like, "Yes."

He started laughing so hard

I thought he was going to
shoot his gun in the air.

I genuinely thought he was just
going to start firing.

He was keeled over,
dying laughing.

He was like,
"You're such a pussy

I can't even arrest you."

That's what he told me.
That's what he told me.

He was like, "I'm not even
going to fucking arrest you

because you're such --
It'd be embarrassing to me

as a law officer
to arrest you."

And I was like,
"Well, white privilege."

No. That was a joke.

Maybe it's true,
but it was a joke. No. No.

But he didn't arrest me,
because he was just --

And then, I just --
I went --

I just ran. I remember running.
I ran. I got out.

He told me to get in the cab.
I was like, "Okay."

So, I get in the cab.

I live on 95th Street.

I got out at 65th Street
because, you know...

It was, like,
10 degrees out.

I asked the cab driver
to open up

all the windows
and the sun roof.

He was freezing.
I was like, "He needs to."

I was like,
"I'm having a stroke.

I heard that cool air calms you
down and reverses the stroke."

I ran. I remember, I ran to my
house, where my daughter was.

I ran.
I opened the door.

I was like, "I need to talk to
the baby's stuffed animals.

I need to --
Where's Piggy?

Get me Piggy."

And then, I spoke to Piggy,
and Piggy was like,

"Go take a shower
with your shoes on.

Just do it. Go take a shower
with your shoes on.

That's what you need to do.
Shit your pants,

and then go take
a shower with your shoes on."

And I never want to take
an edible again,

but I also would
take an edible again.

Like, if you were like,
"Dude, you want to do an edible

and go hang some lights,"
I'll fucking do it, you know?

You want to do that shit?

Yeah.

But you don't do drugs?

Yeah, you shouldn't.
Don't do them, man.

It was bad.

It was fucking bad.
But hold on.

I mean, I don't know. Do what
you want, I guess, in a way.

I don't know what to do.

Are your parents together?
They are?

Wow. Look at fucking --
That's rare now.

My parents are divorced.

My parents got --
My daughter is going to grow

in a world where
most people are divorced.

If she comes home and, like,
Johnny's parents are married,

I'll be like, "Baby, stay
the fuck away from Johnny

and his cult parents.
I mean, what are they, Amish?"

Yeah, parents divorced.

My mom is dating again.

That's nice.
You know, I'm 33 years old.

I want her --
I want my mom to be happy.

I like her new boyfriend.
He's a nice guy.

He told me recently that he has
polio, and that took a minute.

I was like,
"What do you mean?

You had polio,
or you have polio?"

He goes,
"No, I have polio."

I'm like, "What,
did you have sex with a ghost?

It's fucking --
What is this, 1927?

How the hell
did you get polio?"

I got vaccinated 47 times
by the time I was 3 for polio.

Now, you're limping around
the living room

dripping polio
on everything.

It's, like, I already have
an anxiety condition.

I can't worry about if my polio
vaccine still fucking works.

And his name is Phineas.

That's his actual, real-deal
birth name -- Phineas.

I'm like, "Ma, where did you
meet a guy named Phineas

with polio?
Do you...

Were you at a Civil War
re-enactment?"

Like, "Look at him
with the musket.

Oh, what's that, a bayonet?
All right.

Put me in a corset,
I'll pass out, you know?"

We went out
for breakfast.

I ordered bacon and eggs --
normal person, this century.

He asked for porridge.

I was like,
"It's oatmeal, dickface.

The waitress doesn't have
a feather-tipped pen

to take your bullshit
porridge order.

We're at a diner
in New Jersey."

Like, what the...

But who's the victim?
You know, like, think about it.

Who's the victim?
It's not me. It's not my mom.

You know, Phineas has been
through enough.

That's hard -- 2018, polio.

You know, it's...

It's my father, right?

How pissed would you be
if your wife left you

for a guy with polio?

Could you imagine?
Fucking mind --

Because my dad
is a prideful dude --

very prideful,
like, you know?

And he asks about my mom
sometimes, like,

"How's your mother?
Not that I give a shit,

but does she
talk about me?"

I'm like, "She's got
a new boyfriend now.

The guy has polio."

Just laughing.
He's like, "Whatever.

Your mother's new boyfriend
has polio.

Interesting. Tell your mother
my new girlfriend

has scurvy, all right?

And rickets, fricking
whooping cough, dysentery.

I'm actually --
I'm banging a T. rex fossil

with Bubonic plague."

I was like, "I got to tell
the real reason."

My dad --
5'6", 385 pounds.

-Yeah. That's a good laugh.

Thank you.
That was how -- Yeah.

It's crazy, right?
He think it looks good.

He's like, "Is that good?
You think 385 looks good?"

I'm like, "Yeah,
if you're a baby rhino."

Okay?
You have type 12 diabetes.

He just doesn't get it.
The other day --

His blood sugar is never
supposed to go above 100.

He calls me the other day.

He's like,
"My blood sugar is 850.

Is that too much,
or is there, like, a range?

I feel good,
except my feet fell off.

The only thing,
I got no feet,

but figured I'd fucking
peg-leg like a pirate.

Maybe your mother is into that.
No?

All right. I'm losing
consciousness. See you."

I knew it, dude.
I fucking knew it.

Yeah, but you guys are together.
That's a beautiful thing.

I'm happy that you guys
are together, you know?

I'm not with my daughter's
mom anymore,

but it's all right,
you know, co-parenting.

It's good.
I'm -- Honestly, I'm happy.

It's not -- we --
You know, we love our child.

I'm happy.
I want to pay $4,000 a month.

She needs it for the child,
you know?

Diapers are made
of fucking diamonds,

so I want to give it to her,
because my daughter,

yeah, she needs -- she needs
Yeezy diapers, so...

$4,000 a month.
Yeah.

You know, I live out of
the back of my Corolla,

but that's fine,
you know.

That's fine.
You can build me a house, maybe.

But it's like, you know,
shit is always my fault.

No matter what,
it's my fault, always. And --

Like, my daughter, she swallowed
a magnet last week.

Fucking kids.
My kid is nuts.

She swallowed a magnet.
And her mother calls me,

and she's like,
"You got to come to the ER.

Your daughter just
swallowed a magnet."

I was like,
"I'm drunk right now."

I was like, "It's my night off.
I have --"

And it was too much.

Like, I had, like, you know,
20 beers or something like that.

I went nuts.
I mean, I was really drunk.

Like, I tried to sober up,
but I was hammered, like,

where I couldn't even
feel my limbs.

You ever do that where, like,
the right arm is the left arm

and you're just a torso?

I just felt like a torso just,
like, wading through.

I was like, "Oh, boy."

And then,
I get to the hospital,

and she's like,
"Are you drunk right now?"

I'm like,
"Are you drunk right now?

You ever think maybe
you're drunk right now?"

She goes, "I can't believe
you're drunk right now."

I'm like, "I didn't know
you were going to feed

our daughter pieces
of the refrigerator. Okay?"

I mean, I thought that
you were going to

give her macaroni and cheese,
not --

What is it,
fucking "X-Men" night?

And it was my fault.
She's mad at me, and it's like,

"I'm the one that had
to do the dirty work."

I looked through her poop
for the next three days.

I searched it
like border patrol

till I found that
fucking magnet.

Cleaned it off,
threw it back at her mom.

I was like, "Here.
Missing something?"

No, I didn't throw it
back at her.

She just wears, like,
big hoop earrings.

So, I went -- I was like,
"This is the magnet."

Just --
It hit her in the earring.

I got her a new
earring though.

She was like, "You broke my
shit. You broke my earring."

With her name in the middle.
It's true. But it's okay.

I mean, it's a stereotype,
but it's --

Like, it's truly her,
you know?

She's like,
"Why you lie about me?"

I'm like, "It says Carmen
in your earrings."

"It's not Carmen.
It's Carmen."

I'm like,
"Okay. All right.

Who the fuck is Carmen?"
It's great.

It was great being
in a relationship with her,

but I didn't know, like,
Latina women --

Like, I didn't know that, like,
you're under investigation.

Like, it's just, when you date
a Puerto Rican girl,

you need to have
the answers quick.

You need to, like,
have facts right away.

Because they will
interrogate you,

and if you don't have
the answers quick,

you look like a liar.
And they watch men.

They are designed
to watch me.

Watching, waiting,
that's what they do.

They'd make excellent
NFL referees.

I think if you had Puerto Rican
girls reffing the games,

you'd have zero missed calls
the whole season,

because they see
everything.

That's just what the --

Could you imagine
they were the refs?

They would be
right there like,

"Um, you're out of bounds,
stupid.

No. No. No.

I mean...for real?

You out of bounds.
I don't need instant replay.

I instantly saw you
step out of bounds, so...

I mean,
I don't even know the rules.

Just go home. Bye.
You out the game."

But they're,
like, bipolar, too.

Be like, "Number 42,
you out the game --

but you cute, though.

No, like, if I'm being honest
with you, you cute,

but go home.
Go be with the cheerleaders."

I'm telling you.

ISIS -- the FBI is always
complaining about

how they can't
keep track of ISIS.

They're like, "We don't
have enough manpower."

I'm like,
"Yeah, you do."

Just have Puerto Rican girls
start going undercover

and dating suspected
members of ISIS.

You'll know where
they are 24/7, 365.

You'll never lose...

Because he doesn't know
that she knows.

That's the thing. You never know
that you're being watched.

You just think you can
get away with anything.

Like, you know, he would think
he would go to the Middle East

or something,
go get radicalized.

He'd go to open up
his suitcase.

She'd pop out of the suitcase
and be like,

"Oh, hello, Mohammad.

What did you forget?

What did you forget?

What are you doing,
building a bomb?

First of all, this ass
is the bomb, so, like,

that's why I feel disrespected,
because you don't see

that you got bombs right here.
But that's what you --

Oh, you wore the turban
I bought you. That's nice."

Listen, it was --
You know, it was great,

but it's just, after a while
it's like, "Jesus, always --"

Like, I'm a comic -- travel,
you know, go on the road.

I would, you know, come home
being all excited

to see everybody,
and she would take the brush

out of my bag --
first a brush out of my bag --

and look through every bristle
for hairs,

as if I'm having sex
with girls

and then asking them
to comb their hair.

I mean, what kind of
fucking psycho --

Am I Buffalo Bill from
"Silence of the Lambs"?

"It likes it when you comb
the hair. Put the..."

You know?
Tried to have a conversation

with my dad about that.

I'm like, "What am I
supposed to do, Dad?

Now, she's taking the brush
out of my bag."

He goes, "You have a brush,
you homo?"

"Geez, brushes and yogurts,
you're a bottom."

I was like,
"Power bottom, cuz."

No.
That's what I love --

That's what I fucking
love about this city, man.

Brooklyn is great. Got all
different kinds of people.

It's beautiful, you know?

The part of Brooklyn
I'm from, like, nobody
really even travels.

Like, nobody gets off
the block, you know?

They're like, "Oh, Chris made it
to the intersection."

You know, but I travel.
I get to see stuff.

With this job, you get
to go see stuff, but, like --

And things, like,
I don't know a lot.

Like, I kind of know a lot,

but we don't learn
as much as we should.

Like, news doesn't get
to Brooklyn sometimes.

Like, I went to England,
and I was like,

"Oh, this will be great. This is
where they invented English.

I'll speak the language.

You know, I know the language,
and it'll be easy." But wrong.

Different words
mean different things.

Nobody told me that.

Like, "last name" is not
"last name" when get there.

They switch it.

Surname.
I didn't know that.

I get to the UK border.

They're like,
"What's your surname?"

I was like,
Sir Christopher Distefano."

I didn't know.
I was like, "Brooklyn Knight.

You know who
the fuck I am.

Give me all your finest
meats and cheeses."

"Fank you."
That's what they do.

They change the TH to an F,
and then you're British.

"Fank you! Fank you!"

"Brilliant." They love
that word over there.

"Oh, it's brilliant. This is
brilliant. It's brilliant."

That's a high honor
of a word in the US.

You can't just run around

and say the shit I do
is brilliant, you know?

I'll get emotional.

But over there -- "Oh,
look at that homeless guy.

Look at him
petting a dead ferret.

Isn't that brilliant?"

I was like,
"Isn't that heroin?"

I mean, like,
he's on crystal meth.

I mean, he's petting
a dead animal legit in public.

Let's pick a new word
and regroup.

I mean,
it's the opposite --

You guys are smart people, but,
like, this is not, you know --

They don't call
liquor "liquor."

They were calling it "spirits."
Nobody told me that.

My friend was like, "Hey, you
want to come over to my place?

Come on.
We have loads of spirits."

I was like,
"Yeah, I'm not going

to your haunted fucking house,
all right?

All right, Nigel?

No fank you.
Let's just eat a Fig Newton."

Yeah, dude, I just try
and see shit, you know?

I went to Canada, too.
I'm a patriot, dude.

I bleed red, white, and blue,

So, like,
when I go to other countries,

I don't want to do their things.
But Canada was pushy.

They were like, "Come on,
you've got to have a ginger ale.

Have a Canada Dry ginger ale."
I said, "No, thank you.

Schweppes all day
motherfucker, okay?

It's what I do.
Shit is canned in Pittsburgh."

Schweppes.

Canada was interesting.
I was in Edmonton, Canada,

and they have the biggest
population of Somalian people

outside of Somalia
live in Edmonton, Canada.

That's a fact.

And then,
I went to their mall,

and in the middle of their mall,
they have this huge pirate ship.

I'm like, "How do you have
the Somalians

and then you have
the pirate ship?"

Don't get mad when one of them
jumps on the ship and goes,

"Look at me.
I am your captain now,"

and then raids the H&M.

There was a lot of steps
to that joke.

Okay.
I did -- Yeah.

I mean, I'm trying to fucking
tie in Somalians

and a fucking
"Captain Phillips" reference.

You thought I said salami.

You were like, "What?"

He's like, "I could go
for some proscuitt."

Good extra laugh.

I appreciate that.
Thank you.

You're like, "I want to get
this laugh on camera."

Norway. I went to Norway.
That was nuts.

Shit was blowing my mind
in Norway

that really shouldn't
have blown my mind.

Like, I should know --
you know, but it was --

I was sitting
in a restaurant.

Waiter comes over.

He's like, "Oh, would you like
reindeer meat?"

I was like, "Reindeer?
That's a real animal?

What do you mean reindeer?
You have reindeer flying around?

Yes! I -- Yeah, can I have
dragon soup, too?

Yeah.
I want to eat fucking Narnia.

Yeah, let's do it.
Fart pixie dust, sure.

I'll do it, sir. Yeah."

And then, he got
an attitude me, this guy.

Can you believe it? I swear.
It was right in front of me.

He goes,
"Yeah, stupid American."

I was like, "Sven, listen,
watch your mouth. Okay?

You're from Norway.
I'm from America.

Let's understand -- We're the
back-to-back World War champs.

Don't forget
that shit. Okay?

Just don't forget it.
Don't forget it."

Yeah.

I'll take the reindeer and fly
them home, where they're free.

Okay? I'll make the reindeers
great again.

You want to do a little
fist pump at that,

but I know you're doing,
and you're like,

"Nah, I'm in the wrong spot,
cuz."

Whatever. Should have --
you know, we're in a --

Everything is history.

You know, we'll go history,
history.

We're part of history.

History is --
Some of it's a lie, though.

Like, I went to President
George Washington's house --

first president of the United
States, the Father of Freedom.

That's what they called him --
"the Father of Freedom."

I went to his house.
They show you all over,

the Father of Freedom's
living room.

Here's the Father of Freedom's
kitchen, and then,

like, this is the Father
of Freedom's slave barracks.

I was like, "Father of Freedom
had slaves?

I would have never voted for him
if I knew he had --

I ain't about that life."

Benjamin Franklin,
that's who the first president

should have been.
No slaves. He was against it.

Yep. Just syphilis.

That's what he had.
That was -- Yeah.

He was like,
"I don't enslave people.

I enslave that pussy.
That's what I do."

Yeah, just fucking
man's man.

Somebody hitting the skins
all up and down the 13 Colonies.

Yeah. That's why his face
is on the $100 bill.

There was no debate
about that.

They were like, "You gets
the hundo for getting the punani

in the name of America.
You earned it."

He was the smartest man
America had to offer.

He could have easily
invented a condom.

He said, "No, thank you.
Benny Frank keeps it wet," okay?

How's your girl, player?"

♪ How's your girl? ♪

You good?
Chapstick, you good?

Get it on?

Good beard, dude.
It's a good beard.

Are you a barista?

Why do you look
like that, then?

You have barista face.

No, but it's fine though.
But you work in --

Where do you work,
at the Apple Store?

Where do you work?

In tech.
Yeah, yeah, that's tech face.

Yeah.
Good, good.

You live in
the new Brooklyn?

You don't?
Why do you have a ponytail?

Are you in a band?

Why the fuck do you
look like that, then?

I don't understand.
What do you do?

Do you work at a flea market?
Start-up?

Oh, a start-up, right,
a start-up, yeah.

All right.

Where's the best
acai bowl place?

Yeah?
Yeah, you know it.

Yeah.
You're a good kid.

I like you.
And you guys are together?

Oh, okay.
You want to be?

No? You don't?
No.

I'm sorry. By the way, I called
you "dude" in the beginning.

I did not mean
to assume your gender.

I apologize.

I apologize, because I know --
I did not --

I apologize for using --

If I used the wrong pronoun
to offend you, my bad.

Pronoun.

I would love for somebody
to say that to my dad.

"You used the wrong pronoun."
He'd be like, "What's a pronoun?

What's that, like,
a noun in the NBA?

I don't know what
a fucking pronoun is."

Crazy.
Dude, I knew it.

Listen,
we live in a good --

I knew straight white guys
were going down.

I knew it.
About three, four years ago,

I said,
"Uh-oh. Time is up."

That's -- That's when

I started using "time's up."
I knew it.

That's why I have
a Puerto Rican daughter.

I did it for my career.
Oh, yeah.

Anytime anybody is like,
"What do you have to say,

you straight white male
piece of shit?"

I'm like,
"Have you met Jalisa?"

All right, guys.
Have a nice night.

Thank you very much.

It was fun.

It was fun.
Yes.

Thank you, guys.
I'll see you outside.

Fucking see you outside.

Thank you, guys. Enjoy it.
Thank you.