All language subtitles for Chicks 1988--

In the last years
of the Cold War,

the former Soviet Union

developed a new weapon
of mass destruction.

Harnessing the awesome power
of Earth's own gravity,

these GD-34 GROWLER bombs
were smaller

and more destructive

than any battlefield munition
previously deployed.

In the late 20th century,

the largest repossession company
was GMAC,

General Motors
Acceptance Corporation.

With the deregulation
of the banks,

GMAC and other
less scrupulous companies

were able to sell mortgages

to poor people who couldn't
possibly afford them.

As the economy collapsed,

repossession and corrections
became the United States'

only non-military
growth industries.

Meanwhile, six GROWLERS
remained unaccounted for.

Miss Pixxi?

Miss Pixxi!

What's up?

Your forbearers
will see you now.

My what?

Your father, your aunt,
your grandmother.

You know the drill.

Sit down, Pixxita.

Since our last meeting, Pixxi,

you have been arrested
how many times?

Well, it's been 18, hasn't it?

18 times.

Come on, Pops,
you know how it is.

It's those fuckin'
Beverly Hills cops.

They be lyin'
at my probation hearing,

they be lyin' in wait
outside our gate.

Your driving license was revoked
a year ago.

Why are you still driving,
Pixxi?

A girl's gotta eat, right?

I'm entitled to a life.

It's in the Constitution.

Holding up with strangers!

Hookups, Mother.

They call it -hooking up.-
Hookups.

That's right.

Oh, Grandma, those are lies.

I knew all five of those boys.

Are we done yet?

Pixxi, we De La Chasses

are often accused of being
rapacious oligarchs.

Merely on account of our wealth,
we are abused and persecuted.

Can you not see how your actions
add to our burden of suffering?

No.

Pixxita, at our last
Family Council,

you swore to abstain from
drinking, driving, clubbing,

eating in restaurants,

lending the De La Chasse
family name

to unguents and perfumes,

and having unprotected sex
with boy backup dancers.

And yet, Io and behold,

here we are,
two short weeks later,

and you've done all
of these things, haven't you?

Yeah.

Pops, don't worry.

The cosmetics deal is going
to fall through, but wait!

Wait till you see
my line of thongs.

It's so beautiful.

They're pink and purple
and yellow,

and some of them glow
in the dark.

Cease!

You and your snookery,
your gadabout snookery.

Tell her to get a job,
or she'll be disinherited.

In light of
your continued malfeasance,

we have no choice.

Yes, get a job,
or you'll be disinherited!

Dis-in-what?

Dis... dis-in... what?

"DISINHERITED!!!"

Disin... hurted?

What's it mean?

It's when they go to your grave
and dig you up!

They can't do it to Pixxi
because she's not dead yet!

- Right, Pix?
- Right.

Coo-ee!

It's me!

Well, then why did you
pick up the phone

if it's a wrong number,
asshole?

You mean disinterred, Eggi.

Disinherited is different.

But what does it mean, Pix?

Disinherited is, like,

when someone owes you
a lot of money, like a fortune,

and they refuse to hand it over.

And what makes it even worse
is that it's your own family

that's trying to screw you over.

That's wack!
That's, like, criminal, Pix.

I know, and that's why
we're going to go

to my office right now
and we're going to get

the best legal advice
that they can afford.

- Yes!
- Mm-hmm.

Coo-eee!

Okay, this is the second time
I'm calling you.

Why do you keep
picking up the phone

if it's a wrong number?

- Asshole!
- Loser!

God!

-RE-ELECT SENATOR
FRANK 'FRITZ' FLETCHER-

-THE BIPARTISAN ALTERNATIVE-

The thing is, Pixxi,

your family don't have to
give you any money

if they don't want to.

Yes, they do.

No.

No, in fact, the law says...

Who cares about the fucking law?

It's her family.
They can't screw her.

But the law says...

The law can go suck my ass.

Right, Pixxi?

All right, 666, take it easy.

Let's hear what the jerk
has to say,

and then if we don't like it,

we'll just throw him
down the stairs.

Pixxi.

You're an adult.
Yes?

Over 18, 21 presumably?

Don't go there.

The fact is,

your family
has no legal obligation

to give you any money.

Yes, they do!

Let me ask you a question.

Stop asking her questions,

and start suing them!

- Pixxi...
- Yeah!

When your family said
that you were disinherited,

did they offer up
any sort of deal,

a resolution for you
to be un-disinherited?

I'm sorry, I didn't hear you.

They told me to get a job!

You bastard!

They said if you found a job,
you'd be back into the family

so as to inherit?

Ah!
It's relatively simple.

Get a job.

I have a job!

I am a cosmetics designer
and a fashion designer

and a haute couture model,

and I have my own
record company,

and I'm a media
executive producer!

I have so many jobs
that I can't keep count!

Bastard.

You think it's so easy.

But Pixxi is busy.

With her raft of commitments,

ain't no way she'll be able fit
a job into her schedule.

What will she do
when the money runs out?

Hey, Pixxi, look!

These guys are attaching
the front end of your car

to some great big
mobile hook thing.

Savage!

Hey! Hey! Hey!
Frankenfuck!

What the hell
you think you're doing?

Hello.

This here unit,

it's been reassigned
to new owners.

- Huh?
- Yep!

You see, the previous caretakers
of this here lovely unit,

well, they forgot
to take good care of it.

Not only did they neglect
to change the oil

and take it in
for its 50,000-mile service,

worse, they forgot to fulfill
the monthly debt

that they had
financially incurred.

Is this
a kind of a money thing?

In a nutshell.

Well, you stay here.

My boss is upstairs.
This is her car.

I'll go get her.
She'll explain everything.

- Okay.
- Great, okay.

You're still
gonna be here, right?

I mean, you're not gonna
drive off while I'm inside?

What's it say?

Well, read it for yourself.

I don't really read too good.

So... can you just tell me
what it says?

- You bet.
- Okay.

Right there, it says,

-General
George Armstrong Custer.-

And then, underneath it,
in smaller letters,

it says, -Velvet Glove
Acceptance Corporation.-

That's my company.

Well, all right.

That's all right, yeah.

I tell you what...
you stay here, General.

Okay, yes, sir.

Pixxi De La Chasse
will be right down, all right?

Guys, how did they get the
letters to stand up like this?

Huh, Pix?

How did they get the letters
to stand up like this?

On our printer,
we only get it flat.

That's unfabulous!

Must be one of those chill, new,
super 3-D printers, I guess.

Add to shopping cart!

Now that's fabulous!

-RE-ELECT SUPREME COURT JUSTICE
'TWO STRIKES' ESPINOZA-

-Velvet Glove
Acceptance Corporation.

-Hours of opening:
8:00-10:00, 3:30-4:00,

-alternate Thursdays.

-No admittance
without appointment.

If no answer,
check with bartender.-

No answer.

What do we do?

-BEER-

Hey, dildo-head.

We come for our car.

-General Custer?-

I didn't even know we had these.

Did you hear what I said?

I said that we come for our car.

Don't have it.

Give it back.

That car belongs
to Pixxi De La Chasse,

the rock star
and clothing designer.

Still too late.

Thank you.

She's also a record producer

and bigging the media
all the time.

So if you old men
want to avoid a world of hurt,

surrender the motor.

Bank took it away
about an hour ago.

They move fast
on specialty units.

Specialty units,
ain't that the truth?

- They took it away fast.
- Yep.

For the last time.

Beat the bejesus
out of 'em, Eggi!

What?
Me?

If you can't do it,
have one of the boys do it.

Now!

Oh, yeah!

Get up, you deadbeat scum,

and take what's comin' to ya!

Okay.

My little pumpkin!

Uncle Aguas!

It's my uncle, guys!

Interested?

Partially.

Purchasers of locomotive parts

are subject to an extensive
background check.

Patriot Act, et cetera.

But you look okay.

Why, thank you.

I am.

So, Aguas, how long
have you been Savage's uncle?

All his life.

So long!

Wow!

That's sick!

Chill!

I still don't see how you could
just steal someone's car...

I mean, unit, Mister...

Gray, Ms. Pixxi.

Arizona Gray III can steal

just about any unit
you can conceive of,

so long as the bank desires it.

And not just vehicular units.

The bank owns everything.

So Gray goes after boat units,
airplane units, railroad units.

Residential units,
office building units,

medical-dental units,
casino units.

One time, he ripped
an entire factory unit!

Yep, should have seen the look
on those workers' faces

when they showed up
to their jobs

and their plant was gone.

You guys are repo men.

Man, I saw a movie about you.

Shut up, 6.

No, no, look,
there was this dude,

and he was being chased
by repo men,

and then he drove his car
onto the driveway

of this mansion

that belonged to
this old Hollywood movie star,

and then he ended up
drowned in the pool.

Or was that the beginning?

Hey, Uncle Aguas?

That poster says that you're
looking for a few good men.

Yes, always.

A good man is hard to find.

And vice versa, sweetie.

Reason I ask...

That locomotive in the yard.

Locomotive unit, yes, mm-hmm,
in our yard?

I would like to buy some parts.

Locomotive unit parts?

That's it.

Did Lola run
your security checks?

Mm-hmm.

Assist the gentleman.

Yes, sir.

As I was saying, Uncle Aguas,

my employer,
Pixxi De La Chasse,

is always seeking
chill, real-life,

real-time experiences.

She's not afraid to roll up her
sleeves and get her hands dirty.

She ain't got no sleeves.

You see?

Maybe Pixxi,
because she is so fabulous

and down with the common people,
Uncle Aguas,

might just consent to...

Pixxi could be a repo man!

Yeah!

- An army of one!
- Yes!

- Ripping units!
- Yeah!

Sending deadbeats to the bank!

- Yes!
- Yes!

This would be
the Pixxi De La Chasse

who has nine court appearances
coming up

and is looking at jail time
if she doesn't get a job

in addition to being
disinherited by her family?

That Pixxi?

No comment.

Fuckin' A, that's her.

Get off!

How much you gonna pay me
to hire her?

So how much
are they paying you?

Don't really know.

Money goes directly
to the company.

I just do what Aguas says,
and Aguas says,

drive her around,
show her the ropes.

Sounds interesting.

So where are they?

Where are what?

The ropes.

In the trunk,
along with the spare tire

and some confiscated
personal items and checklists.

Are your friends
gonna do this all day?

Yeah, actually they're making

a documentary reality show
about me.

No kidding!

When's it going to be on the TV?

Not any TV you have.

It's going to be
on a very exclusive, in-house,

hotel intranet in Dubai.

That's better than any TV show.

Sorry!

All right.

There's your first assignment.

You see that big old trailer
at the end of the street?

We need to liberate that
from some Freddie Mac offenders.

These are some mainline
mortgage-abusers.

All right.

Let me at 'em.

You have 30 seconds
to vacate this property.

After that,
I will begin shooting!

Twenty-five.

Excuse me.
I mean 10, 9...

Testing, 1, 2, 3.

Pixxi De La Chasse interview.

Take one.

What's up, Pix?

So what was it like,
your first day on the job?

That's a very good question.

Wait, wait.

Sorry.

Action!

Take two!

So what was it like,
your first day on the job?

Well, you know, at first,
I kind of felt bad, you know?

Having to get up real early
and dress way down

just to... to fit in.

But once I started
doing the work,

I realized that I, too,
could make a difference.

It's like my friend
the Dalai Lama said,

-When he returned
to his own city,

he saw no throne.-

Wow.

Pixxi, you know everything.

Wow, yeah.

Pretty much everything
worth knowing.

Oh, Aguas, Aguas,
you should have seen her, man.

This girl's a natural.

It was one of the finest
opera primi I have ever seen.

She shoot the dogs?

No, but she sure scared 'em!

And when she did
that countdown...

10, 9, 8, 3, 2, 6, 4...
it was a classic.

And the unit?

Already subdivided.

Three new families moved in.

Nice people.

Spoke to 'em a while
in their own lingo.

You want to take her out again?

Sure.

Let's see...
sailboat.

Sailboat.

Last seen Marina del Rey.

Three corporate jets, Ontario.

Back to Detroit, deadbeats!

And take the bus.

Impressive.

The problem...

Problem?

She's too good.

- Hmm?
- Yep.

Look at her stats.

Since yesterday,
she has ripped five cars...

- Fantastic!
- Four homes...

- Terrific!
- Three planes...

six shopping malls,

and two places of worship.

You're saying
that if she continues thus,

her work will be the standard
by which ours is judged.

Exactly.

We got us a live one, Aguas,
filled with boundless energy,

ambitious, sadistic,

fast.

Better add sand
to that gas tank.

Check.

666, I'd like these rushes
fine-cut by tonight.

Eggi, I'd like you to get
my lawyer

on the phone yesterday.

I'd also like a print-out of how
my thongs are doing marketwise.

And, Savage, shiatsu now!

What it do?

He got beat up, Pix.

My bodyguard?

There were eight of 'em, Pixxi.

Why'd they beat him up?

Drug dealers.

Drug dealers!

666 owes a lot of money
to drug dealers, Pixxi.

- A lot of money.
- Drug dealers, huh?

Have they got
any good Quaaludes,

any Roar 714,
knock you on the floor?

No, just the real thing.

Coke, crank, The Way.

So how much are they charging
for a gram of coke?

Less than forty?

No, Pixxi, seventy-five.

What?

No one's that stupid.

Are you guys lying to me?

No, Pixxi!

They beat him brutally.

They said they'd kill me.

Unless he pays them
what he owes.

And how much does he owe?

A million dollars.

Are you kidding me?

You're trying to tell me

that you consumed
$1 million worth of drugs?

$500 worth of drugs
would have killed you.

Why are you still alive,
you idiot?

Are you guys trying to lie to me
and steal all my money?

No, Pixxi.

Pixxi, new assignment.

Check!

Yard 2 is where
all the Secondary Units

are tracked and stored.

Secondary Units?

Up till now, you've just been
handling the Primary Units:

Cars and homes and such.

Secondary Units is where all
the big, important stuff is.

Consider this your promotion.

Hello, Lola.

New recruit.

Pixxi, meet Lola.

Won't last.

We'll see about that.

So how much
are they paying you?

To entertain you, Pinkie?

Not enough.

Go fetch me some dregs
from that slop bin over there.

Lola, not that I'm not having
a fabulous time with you,

but I'm just wondering,
you know,

when the actual fun
is going to begin.

This is the fun.

No, no, no, it's not.

The fun is when
we were ripping units,

and I was going
into people's homes, and I...

That's Primary Units.

Secondary Units
are way too heavy,

and by the time they get to us,
they're already wrecked.

How about that?

Forget it, Pinkie.

Doesn't exist.

Says here it do, shorty.

Three antique railroad cars.

Dining, Caboose, Observation...
$1 Million Reward.

1-900-LOST-TRAIN.

Can I have your phone?

That antique railroad car
is an urban myth.

You know, like the poodle
in the microwave

or the hippies spitting
on the Vietnam vets.

Why did they put a poodle
in a microwave?

Was it wet?

They never did.

It's a myth, like these
antique railroad cars,

or the big lottery win.

Existing solely to encourage

typical, no-hoper jerk-offs
like you.

That's where you're wrong,

'cause I am no typical,
no-hoper jerk-off.

I happen to come from one of

L.A.'s nine
most influential families,

and if it weren't
for some bullshit scandal,

then my father would be mayor.

Take these dregs
back to the slop bin.

Check!

Father.

It is I, Pixxita.

Pixxi, is it you?

Last time you were here,

you consigned me, your aunt,
and grandmother

to the torments of hell.

You vowed never to return.

Yes, I know, but I think that
we can put that in the past now.

Can't we all just get along?

Pixxi, the De La Chasse family
escutcheon hangs in the balance.

Have you found
gainful employ yet?

Yes, I have found it!

I am a repossession woman.

You and the Beverly Hills
court system were right

to force me to get a job.

I've learned so much
from my experiences,

especially here,
in this beautiful family chapel.

Yes, lovely, isn't it?

So having earned my lesson,

I'd like to take an advance
on my inheritance

as to promote
a few business ventures

as well as pay off a few fines.

Ten million would be best,
but five is acceptable.

Cet argent n'existe plus.

It was so thoughtful and kind
of you and grandma and my aunts

to cut me off temporarily.

I...

I really think it just turned me
right around,

like as if I took a cold shower
in the bright of day.

What did you say before?

I said, Pixxi,
that money is no more.

Your entire inheritance,

all $77 million of it,
give or take,

has been given
to Mother Teresa's Daughters,

which is a marvelous
little charity

that provides women of poverty

access to false information
regarding pregnancy

and denies access
to birth control.

Wow.
That's quite something.

Your grandmother thought
it would piss you off.

Oh, how it did.

And I'm just going
to have to get you back.

You just try, my darling.
You just try.

We De La Chasses are white,
rich, relatively vice-free.

We have no debts,
huge holdings.

And so, my little chickadee,
you can't touch us.

You just wait, homes.

So, Lola.

Yes, Pinkie?

Is it true with just
a few strokes of the keyboard,

someone could ruin someone's
credit score, get them evicted,

kicking and screaming,
from their own home,

even if they own it,

or is that just another one
of your urban myths?

No, Pinkie.
That is no myth.

And there are those of us
in our business

who have done that very thing,
so as to revenge ourselves.

These are such lovely flowers
that you have here.

Really beautiful.

They're Gray's.

Lola, could you show me what
keystrokes and mouse clicks

are required to do such a thing?

To do what, Pinkie?

Oh, I don't know,
ruin someone's credit,

destroy them completely?

As a joke, obviously.

Sure, Pinkie, I'd be happy to.

Give me a name at random.

Aldrich De La Chasse!

Spell it.

A-L-D-R-I-C-H.

-DE LA CHASSE FAMILY RUINED;
ALLEGED FORTUNE DOES NOT EXIST.-

It's impossible.

Can't be done.

Doesn't exist.

But I saw it.

I saw the entire train,
three cars and a locomotive.

Do you know how many repo men
and women

have wasted good
man- and women-hours

in the fruitless search
for that imaginary unit?

Couple of them never came back,

and the ones that did,
well, they were never the same.

That's because
they were searching

for something
that doesn't exist.

A ghost train.

This is not a ghost train.

It is made of real flesh
and blood, like me...

and it's worth
a million dollars!

Have you called
that 900 number?

The one that's offering
the million dollars?

I don't have the train yet.

Well, why don't you
call them now

and see if the offer
still exists?

I'll call them,
after I rip that train, Lola.

Hey.

Make a charitable contribution?

What's the charity?

Against golf.

I don't play golf.

Nor do I.

We're gonna get it made illegal.

Do you know how many lives
are ruined by golf courses?

Nope, but I can imagine.

Only got a buck on me.

That's fine.

Thank you.

Who was that, Gray?

Man taking up a collection
to ban golf.

- No kidding!
- Yep.

I've never been golfing.

Me neither.

You want to give it a whirl?

Sure, boss,
on my next day off...

Okay, stop changing
the subject!

Aguas, assign me that train.

All right.

That unit that doesn't exist,
the ghost train,

you're assigned to find it.

Thanks!

This is after you do
your real work, kiddo.

We have a date tomorrow
to smash up

a pallet-Ioad
of mercury vapor lamps.

Check!

Oh, Marco.

I just had
the most amazing dream.

I was...

I was busting up a pallet
of mercury vapor lamps,

and all of a sudden,
I could fly!

And as I was soaring
to great heights,

I looked down,
and I saw my grandma

and my aunt
and my father, and...

they were being beaten
by the police!

Watch some telly, boo-boo.

You'll soon forget it.

Right.

Oh, snap, look, Pixxi!

It's me in my new video!

There was a monkey
that escaped from the zoo...

Police swoop on downtown's
homeless tonight.

For the sixth night
in succession,

LAPD are seizing
the propertyless

and dumping them
beyond the city limits.

Swine flu
at the National Kennel Club.

Are these pups affected?

Look how cute the puppies are!

And did you see
that neat old train

under the bridge
where them cops were?

No, tell me about it...

Two classic passenger cars,

a caboose,
and a black locomotive.

What?

That's it!

That's the train.
That's my train!

1-900... what was the rest
of the number?

The rest of what, Pixxi?

The number for the train
that we found!

1-900-LOST-TRAIN?

Very funny.

1-900...

Hello.

Hello.
I found your train.

- Are you there?
- Uh-huh.

I found your train, okay?

Okay.
Where is it?

Wouldn't I be the silly one
to tell you

where your precious little
train is?

Not until I see the million
buckeroonies, buckaroo!

I see your current location
as Santa Fe Avenue

and the 7th Street Bridge
in the City of Vernon.

Do you still have
the unit in sight?

Fuck you!

Give me my money first,
or else I'II...

Stop that, Pixxi,
I can't be driving like that...

Eggi, give me your phone!

Can't...
I'm trapped...

Now!

Okay...

Come on!

Where Pixxi?

Senator Fletcher, well!

It's a real pleasure
to meet you, sir.

I'm Nevada, on behalf
of GrandioseSolutions. Com.

And this is Giggli.

If there's anything you
should need during your trip,

and I do mean anything, Senator,
just call on either one of us.

Well, I might just do that.

Senator!

Mr. Lorenzo.

Welcome aboard, sir.

Thank you.

Pixxi, boo-boo!

You've reached the Velvet Glove
Acceptance Company.

We're out right now,
screwing some unfortunate.

If you seek to be screwed by us
as well, wait your turn.

Aguas, listen...
I found the train!

Supreme Court Justice Espinoza
and Mrs. Espinoza!

I'm Nevada,
from GrandioseSolutions. Com.

It's a real pleasure
to meet you.

- Of course.
- And this is Giggli.

Welcome aboard!

Ladies, thank you.
There you go, honey.

Reverend Duncan!

It's a real pleasure
to meet you.

You can call me Sister Duncan.

And what's your name, love?

I'm Nevada, Sister,
from GrandioseSolutions. Com.

On board, Giggli will give you
your welcome pack.

Brother Lorenzo?

Welcome aboard, sir.

Brother Lorenzo.

Sister Duncan!

Brother Lorenzo.

Watch your step.

Oh, a mysterious envelope!

Surely you don't think
that I...

No, no, no.

Just a small gift from
our sponsors, Sister Duncan.

For your work with children.

Oh!

- Please.
- Thank you.

Welcome aboard!

Damn it, Marco,
Which one's mine?

Look, Pixxi, red carpet!

Hey!
Coo-ee!

May I help you?

Yes, by getting out of my way.

This train has been hired
for a private excursion.

Yes, I know.
I'm on the guest list.

Your name?

Pixxi de la Chasse
Obando y Bravo, of course.

Well...
you're not on the list.

Hmm.
Looks like I am!

-Rikki Espinoza-...

that's my pseudonym
for all the parties.

Nevada,
this is Pixxi de la Chasse.

She is in all the tabloids.

Her family are, like, you know.

- Really?
- Yes.

And this excursion
would barely exist without me.

Well, please.

The rest of the guests are
having a pre-brunch cocktail

in the Observation Car...

You're not on the list.

If you'd like to join them,
Pixxi...

Oh, that's so sweet,
and what's your name?

My name is Giggli.

Giggli, what a lovely name!

Isn't it?
My parents made it up.

Very sweet.
Coo-ee!

He's with me.

Miss Pixxi,
and Mr. Marco, is it?

Welcome aboard.

I'm Lorenzo,
your on-board service manager.

May I fill your glass?

Please...

And we're off!

GrandioseSolutions. Com
is proud to organize

this brief tour
of the proposed route

of the Arbogast Energy Corridor

for VIPs, stakeholders,
and opinion-formers.

For the next few hours,

as Grandiose Solutions' Luxor
Parlor Train visits these sites,

we'll be serving brunch,
followed by lunch,

a wine-tasting, and English
country-house-style sandwiches.

May we refill your glasses?

Sure.

I'll get back to you.

What am I doing here, again?

Visiting the proposed route
for the Energy Corridor,

Senator Fletcher.

A half a mile wide,
a thousand miles long,

serving the L.A. Area

with liquid natural gas
from Coos Bay, Oregon,

wind power from Canada,

and heavy crude from
the Alaskan Wildlife Refuge.

Well, that's great.

Only maybe I should have brought
my hard hat.

It will not be necessary
to leave the train, Senator.

We are just interested
in your general impressions.

You can view
the proposed Energy Corridor

from the comfort of your seat
in the Observation,

Dining Car, or Caboose.

Not the Caboose, Giggli!

Right!
Not the Caboose...

Why not the Caboose?

Only maybe I should have brought
my hard hat!

These people are total fools.

Who cares about them?

How much money did he give you?

I don't know.
I haven't checked yet.

Gimme.

Ms. Espinoza?

We're going to have
some cocktails

in the Observation Car.

Wasn't it Billy Graham?

No, I believe it was
Pat Robertson who said

that it was unrealistic
and naive to be preoccupied

with civil liberties
and disarmament,

as some of our politicians are.

At a time when
Western civilization

is confronted by the extremist
of threats.

Yes!

My sentiments also.

I'll have another little splash
of this.

I see you like to go around
with a pink plastic bullwhip.

P.P.B. S are the new A.C.D.s.

We are ready to begin serving
brunch now in the Dining Car,

one car down.

Between meals, you are welcome

to come hang out here
in the Vista Dome,

but do me a favor, folks,
do not try and use the Caboose

on the far side
of the Dining Car.

The Caboose remains closed
as of this time.

Brunch!

Morning, Cap.

Whoa, excuse me there.

What a beautiful morning!

It certainly is.

It's the kind of morning
which tempts one

not to go inside that door.

Ignore the messages.

Pay no attention to the emails.

And go fishing.

Sherry from Manzanillo, Spain,

a dry, refined taste

to accompany
the spectacular desert vistas

we'll soon be enjoying.

-El Monte.

-Heading east.

Follow me.-

I got the same text.

Me too.
Wonder who it's from?

Pixxi's assistant.

Mr. Lorenzo,

this trip in this
magnificent antique train,

all this fine food, et cetera,

it's costing somebody
a few extra bucks, I'd say.

Our clients
are very interested in your

and the other dignitaries'
support, Senator.

Really.

Yeah, but what do any of us know
about pipelines, damn it?

There may be other issues
you can help us with.

You're a smart man, Lorenzo.

I'm open for business any time.

Senator.

Pixxi checks out.

Society heiress on day release
from county jail.

Father owned most of the Valley.

He recently went bankrupt in
some mysterious circumstances.

What about the white rasta guy?

Backup singer, dancer, grandson
of some Eurotrash royalty.

Any value
as a U.S. Opinion-former?

Negatory.

Thirty-nine angry messages.

First angry message.

Hello, Mr. Gray?

I'm really sorry
to bother you again,

but you're the only person
I can think of who can help.

You remember the furniture

we were storing in our car
after you repoed our house?

Well, they just took
our car away,

and I was wondering if there's
any way you could find out

who got our car
so I can go there

and get our furniture back?

The other guy said you all
burned that stuff

when you had a feast there
in the Yard,

but I said that didn't sound
like you or like Mr. Aguas.

Anyway, hope you're having
a great day.

Thanks again
for the fifty dollars.

Grandma really appreciated it,
and my number is...

Lord, for what we are about
to receive,

for what we have
already received,

and the wisdom to know
the difference, thank you.

- Amen.
- Amen.

Mr. Lorenzo,
when can we expect to see

this Energy Corridor of yours?

I mean, here we are
out in the desert and...

Ah, the Arbogast Corridor,
of course.

You know, in the excitement,
I forgot to mention it.

Mr. Lorenzo, people worry
about the silliest things.

Aren't your sponsors concerned
about the NIMBY factor?

No.
The law is the law.

Those greens can quickly
be put to other uses.

Greens?

Is this political?

May as well tell 'em.

What?

Okay.

There is another reason
we invited you here...

Yes, Mr. Lorenzo?

And what would that be?

The criminalization...

of golf.

Golf?

Golf.

The guys who took my car,
Mr. Custer,

evidently didn't know there was
a box of kittens in the back...

I'm on the train.

And the sommelier is babbling
about golf!

Call me back
on Eggi's phone ASAP.

Aguas, Gray, Lola, what's up?

Where did you go?
Fishing or something?

Aguas!

Lola!

-GONE GOLFIN-'

Golf courses
are a waste of precious

agricultural and public land.

They squander billions
of gallons of water annually,

while spreading innumerable
poisons and insecticides

into the environment.

I enjoy a good game of golf.

Me too.
Two strikes.

In the Third World,

golf courses mean death
to small indigenous communities.

I know that as rational citizens
and opinion-formers

that you will join with me
in the urgent call

to have golf made illegal,
both at home and abroad.

Larry, boy,
you're kidding, right?

Scripture is explicit
in its advocation of golf.

Revelations 6:13.

Yo, Gray!

Where the dickens have you been?

Okay, you're on the train,

and it's headed back
to the Union Station.

Got that.
I'll be there.

What time's it due?

Pixxi?

Pixxi!

Hello?

Sit down, backup dancer!

Ladies and gentlemen,

since you have declined to join
our righteous cause,

I will be obliged to detain you.

This will only be
for a couple of hours.

Then you will be at liberty,
if all goes well.

Cuff them, Giggli.

This is terrorism!

If you believe that to seek
much-needed political change

by radical means is terrorism,

then our nation
is a terror state.

- Nonsense.
- Can it, -Two Strikes.-

Now, each one of you
has contributed in some way

to the pernicious spread
of golf.

You, Senator Fletcher,

have frequently sought
to be photographed

with golfing celebrities like
Arnold Palmer and Tiger Woods.

I... I... had to.
There was no alternative.

You, Pastor Duncan,
married 2,000 Korean golfers

in an on-course mass ceremony
in Puchong.

I don't recall.

And you,
Justice and Rikki Espinoza,

built a complex
of vacation homes

at the golf resort of Boracay,

with an 18-hole course

that requires 800,000 gallons
of water a day

on an island that has no water!

Hey, you don't need
to handcuff me.

- I hate golf.
- You're just saying that.

- No, I'm not.
- Wait.

She and her friends gave me
a contribution

when I was downtown
collecting for the cause.

That's right.

I despise golf so much
that when I was in high school,

I used to get really high,
go to the golf courses,

and throw lighters
and matches on it

just to set it on fire.

Don't trust her, Lorenzo.
She's lying.

Am not!

Okay, fine.

Show 'em, Marco.

Yeah, mon!

What is M.H.G.C.I.?

Malibu High Golf Course
Incendiaries.

Hello.

Found your train.

Okay.
Where is it?

It's en route to a station
in the Southland.

I claim my million dollars.

I see your current location
as Wall Avenue and 112th Street

in the city of Commerce.

Do you still have the train
in sight?

Did I misspeak?

Apologies, sir.

Those million dollars,
how about 'em?

Now, see here, Mr. Custer,

this is
a national security matter,

and you're obliged to tell us
all you know

about that unit right now!

Why don't you kiss
my sister's black cat's ass?

Two calls from this vector
in the last 48 minutes...

the unit must be
in this vicinity!

Are you ready, Lorenzo?

Five, four, three, two, one,

and going live.

Do not attempt to adjust
your television set.

We have taken control
of all networks.

We have disabled
all remote controls.

We instruct the president
of the United States

to close all golf courses

and ban the corrupting practice
of golf.

We further instruct
that he and his colleagues

cease eating meat immediately.

If the president fails
to do this,

within the next hour,

the city of Los Angeles
will entirely be destroyed.

So there!

I told you not to switch
the channels.

Right now we are aboard a train
which, traveling at top speed,

will arrive at the Union Station
in L.A. At 1900 hours.

We'd like to play a round
or two, my friend.

Sign us up as temporary members.

I can't do that.

Come on, don't be a jerk.

All we want to do
is hit some balls around.

The club is closed today,

and we're not accepting
temporary members.

- Racist.
- Sexist.

That really hurts me, guys.

You haven't got a clue
as to what's going on here.

If any attempt is made to stop
this train, we'll do the same.

Okay, wrap it up.

You missed out on
a whole bunch of stuff

about the founding fathers
and the freedom fighters!

Nevada saved your ass.

I couldn't concentrate.
The Growler bombs...

Growler bombs?

You can't be serious.

These things take time!

Screw the long run, Senator!

This will get resolved today!

Why are we broadcasting
out of the Caboose?

It's hotter than hell.

When you guys are done arguing,
can I ask a question?

We are not arguing!

Don't ask them questions, Perky.

- You're provoking them.
- Am not.

Yes, you are.
Stop it.

Fuck you, Rikki.

So, Mr. Lorenzo,
you were only bluffing

about blowing up
this train, right?

You're certain they have
Growlers on board, Professor?

As many as half a dozen.

CIA assured us all those
Growlers were accounted for.

Except the ones in Mexico,

which we now know are secreted
on that train.

We've run want ads
for this missing train

in all the repo media,

made up old-style
-Wanted- posters

offering
a million dollars reward.

You got the reward money
authorized, right?

Well?

Uh, you didn't, did you?

We're taking those crazies out.

Predator drone, sir?

Hello?

Hey, this is the guy who just
gave the ultimatum on TV.

You were watching, right?

Go ahead.

Well, I just wanted to say
that you're probably thinking,

take out the train now
with a predator drone, right?

Well, do not try it.

Our Growlers are primed
and ready to detonate

in the event of any attempt
to stop us.

And in addition, we have
five august dignitaries here

as guarantors of our security.

They are:

Supreme Court Justice
Fabio Espinoza.

Rikki Espinoza,

Emeritus Director
of Minority Rights Watch.

Sister Duncan, Universal Church
of Life, City of Toil.

Thank you!

State Senator Fritz Fletcher,
and I'd like to add my own...

Holla, I'm Pixxi.

Say your name properly.

Pixxi De La Chasse
Obando y Bravo,

composer and performance artist.

And I be Marco.

You now know we are serious.

You have thirty minutes left.

Should we advise the president?

President is in Mongolia
right now

attending a meeting of
non-aligned ethanol producers.

He'll be asleep, for sure.

The vice president?

Also in Mongolia.

Neither of 'em's gonna ban golf.

Not in an election year.

The Reaper Drone it is, then.

Fishing, I understand.

It's relaxing,
and sometimes you get a fish.

But this?

If this is what
the upper echelons of society

do to enjoy themselves,

then the crisis
is worse than I thought.

Marco, you batty-man!
Marco!

Boo-boo, shut up!

No, I'm not gonna shut up!

How dare this asshole
not include me

in his list
of celebrity hostages?

My godfather is Prince!
Prince!

I'm, like, the second-biggest
celebrity here!

Are not!

Marco, you batty-man!
Marco!

Hi.

Your goal,
and tell me if I'm wrong,

is to abolish
the golf courses, right?

Yes!

And to get the president and all
his crew up there to go vegan.

You seriously expect
our president

to become a vegetarian?

Vegan.

Yeah, and what do you call them,
his, uh, his...

His staff?

His cabinets!

This is about climate change,
too, you see.

I see.

Not my glasses!

Marco, Marco!
Stop the train!

I can do that, Pixxi!

My black sheep uncle, Giancarlo,

used to be engineer
on the Paris-Milano Express!

Many times, as a little boy...

Baby, baby, baby!
Hurry!

Check!

Marco!

Marco is the hottest boy
in the world,

and I am the hottest girl
in the world.

Coo-ee!

Marco!
Give us a smile!

This is Pixxi.

So, anyway.

Hello, Savage.

Beautiful, baby!

Eggi ordered one of those
3-D printers you like,

and it's coming on Tuesday!

Why didn't she overnight it?

I don't know, Pix.

Wait.

This is Pixxi.

Allo, Pixxi, love!

There is no engineer!

Somebody be runnin' this train
remotely.

Maybe the Caboose!

You guys!
Just get with it!

Shall we gather at the river,

the beautiful,
the beautiful river,

gather with the saints
at the river

that flows
by the throne of God?

Sir, it may not be necessary
to deploy the predator drone.

-It may not be necessary
to blah, blah, blah.-

Well, too bad for you,

because we're gonna deploy
the predator drone!

And maybe even
the Reaper Drone too!

I mean, what are you,
some kind of Communist?

Yes, sir, as it happens,
I am a Communist.

But I do not see how that's
germane to this discussion.

You better leave this experiment
immediately, you commie bastard.

Colonel!

For the record, sir,
I, too, am a Communist.

What?

So am I, sir.

So are others here present.

We've come a long way, Colonel,

from the days when Communists
were witch-hunted

or denied a role in the military
or homeland security.

We Communists just believe

in a different
political system, sir,

and in a more just society,

whose cornerstone
is a safe and reliable

public transportation network.

Plus free
universal health care.

Okay, Commies.
Shoot!

Colonel, right now,
this train is passing through

the busiest rail transportation
corridor in the West.

Even one Growler blast

will put the entire system
out of operation indefinitely.

Then comes the firestorm!

Hello?

They spoke to the president.
Uh-huh.

Okay.

No, no, that's not negotiable.

Okay, yeah.

I'm just saying.

Well, you tell him!

The president said...
okay, get this.

He said he's very open
to banning golf

and that he personally is happy
to go vegetarian immediately.

- Wait!
- No!

But he can't speak
for the Senate

or the House of Representatives.

Wait!
No!

No!
But... no.

No way.

Well, that's what I said, okay.

I said,
it has to be all of them.

And he said he'll get
the word out right away.

And is he going
to call you back?

I guess so.

Who were you talking to?

I don't know!

Now stop asking me questions,
Lorenzo!

You're freaking me out!

- Do you want my hankie?
- What?

Do you want my hankie?

Is everything okay?

Sure.
Yeah.

What's wrong?

Nothing's wrong.

I knew it would go like this!

We agreed to insist
the president go totally vegan.

And it already got watered down.

Vegetarian and vegan
aren't the same!

Solidarity, Giggli!

We're dealing in the art
of the practical here.

Do you want my hankie?

Thank you!

Hello?

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

I don't know about that.

What time?

Let me get back to you.

The president has agreed
to everything.

Enabling legislation to ban golf

will be passed
by midnight tonight.

That's 9:00 p.m. Our time.

All meat products will be pulled

from the Capitol Hill kitchens
by that hour.

I'll tell the Doc.

- Hello.
- Hello?

Anybody there?

Who is this?

Those terrorists
you were talking to,

they may not be able
to stop this train

because the locomotive
hasn't got a driver!

Listen, I need you
to immediately deploy a huge,

gigantic, airbag-type-thing
between us and downtown!

Is this
an official communication

from the terrorists?

No, you idiot.
It's Pixxi!

Just do what I say!

- Pixxi.
- Hello?

Neither Amtrak
nor Union Pacific possesses

such a huge airbag technology
that you suggest.

I mean, maybe we should,
but we don't.

However, Pixxi,
there is still a chance.

Right now, the pirates
are following the route

of the Sunset Limited.

All lights and points are set
in their favor

all the way to downtown.

But if you could switch
the points

onto the old
Mojave-Lancaster spur,

L.A. Can be saved!

That's a real chill notion,

but how would you like me
to switch the points

if I'm on the train?

It's for you.

Thank you.

It's Pixxi.

Arizona Gray.

Backing you up
at the Union Station.

Everything okay?

No, Gray, it's too late.

It's never too late, Pixxi.

No matter how large
or complex the unit,

no matter how long the odds,

if there's a price,
we can collect it!

Not in this instance.

Pixxi, you must succeed.

The example that you're setting
to us all by doing so

is critical.

If you fail, mortgage defaults
will continue to rise,

forcing more repossessions,

driving home prices down,
causing more defaults.

Bailouts will cease to save us.

Bankers will stop making loans.

Businesses will fail,
leading to rising unemployment,

zero credit,
a worldwide recession,

and, thus,
the end of the repo trade.

Okay, well, Gray,
if we're to achieve this,

you have less than three minutes
to get to Glendale,

throw the switch from downtown

to the old
Lancaster-Mojave line.

Three minutes?
From the Union Station?

That's impossible!

- No, it's not.
- Yes, it is.

Well, just do it anyway.

Check.

And that's what
the president said.

Doc, we're laughing.

In future years,
instead of golf courses,

there'll be farms, allotments,
parks named after us.

You spoke to the president?

No, no, it was all done
via this guy.

You spoke to him too, right?

Yeah, a military guy.

He was on the level.

Drat!

May I ask who's calling?

Yo.

Gray?

Miss Pixxi?

Yeah, this be she.
Who's this?

Miss Pixxi, this is Rogers,
your father's manservant.

Rogers.
What's up?

Miss Pixxi,
what an opportune surprise.

I'm afraid your friend has
suffered an attack of some kind,

laying him low.

Gray?
Shit!

It appears he was
just about to pull this lever

when his incapacitating stroke
occurred.

Are you trackside?

Are you near that lever?

I am adjacent to it.

Rogers, I need you
to pull that lever.

Pull the lever!

Miss Pixxi, I would love
to be of service,

but my first duty
is to your family.

Is there no way that you,
your father, and your aunt

cannot be reconciled?

No.
No way!

Tell them to go to hell!

I'm not talking to them.

Then I cannot assist.

All right, okay, okay.
Okay, Rogers.

Pull that switch
and put the swine on the phone.

Hey, Pops, how's it hanging?

It's Pixxi.

Mm-hmm, yeah, wow.

Anyway, how's Grandma?

Oh, that's terrible.

This president's spokesman,

what did he ask you to do?

Nothing.

Oh, just slow the train down

and bring it into Union Station

around 9:00 p.m.
Instead of right away.

Right, that's when they're going
to announce the legislation.

Well, we're not headed
for Union Station.

What do you mean?

What?

They've switched us
to another track.

We're on our way
back to the desert.

Oh, phooey.

-WELCOME TO PALMDALE,
HOME OF THE PREDATOR DRONE-

Nah.

Oh, Nevada, why not?

There's no point, really,
in blowing up the desert,

a place of rare beauty

and an already endangered
ecosystem.

Yeah.

They want to talk
to our technical expert.

Hello?

Walter, is that you?

Willy?

It's been a long time.

Are you still working
for the Pentagon?

Ja, ja,
that's the general idea, Walter.

Unlike you, always collaborating
with the Axis of Evil.

It is my disposition,

ever since Papa took us
to the slaughterhouse.

I've been on the side
of the weak

against the strong...

especially against Nazi
lickspittles like you, brother.

Liar.
Liar!

You were always
a spoiled little brat,

and now you will die as a result
of your own egotistical schemes.

Ah, fuck you.

No! No!
Fuck you!

In thirty seconds,

my predator drones locked on
that stupid broadcast antenna

on your Caboose
will eradicate you!

Oh, Willy,
pathetic little Willy.

It takes only takes me ten
seconds to lower that antenna.

Your drones
will miss their target.

Liar!
Fool!

Idiot!
You cannot escape me!

You don't even exist!

You're nothing
but a tabletop expe...

How about dropping
that antenna, Doc?

Remote control deactivated.

Here come the drones.

Gosh, Pixxi,
you're so damn chill.

Thanks, Giggli.

I mean, look at them,
it's pathetic!

And you're handling
all of this so chilly.

Well, you know, it's like
the Book of Bushido says,

by my friend the Dalai Lama,

-Always keep death in mind,

-and you won't fail to be
attentive to your employer

or family duty.-

Sick.

You know,
I do regret one thing, though.

What, Pixxi?

Not having my 3-D printer.

Since we're about to die,

shall we hold hands?

Check, chiquita.

Thank you.

And after the train entered
the tunnel, it was easy.

I was able to overpower
my immediate captor

and free the other hostages.

All of whom rallied and came
through at the eleventh hour.

In a spirited Caipura-based
counterattack

on our dispirited kidnappers.

Who were no match
for the ol' USA one-two!

And that, my friends, was that.

Praise the Lord!

What happened to these weapons
of mass destruction, the WMDs?

All five backpack devices
were safely accounted for

and have been returned to

the Center for Advanced
Deactivation at Los Alamos.

What about the three terrorists?

Were their human rights
respected

throughout this hectic process?

Well, as Emeritus Secretary
for Terrorist Rights Watch,

let me give you
an appropriate line of bullshit.

Coo-ee!

Three terrorists?
I thought it was four.

The Mexican,
those two cute little girls.

No, there was only three.

And six bombs.
He said five.

Wonder where Gray is.

Who cares about Gray?

Oh, Aguas...

Hey, Gray.

Do you ever experience
the feeling that

you might just be a tiny little
simulacrum or an avatar

created by a mad scientist as
part of a tabletop experiment?

Sure, I have that feeling
from time to time.

And does that make a difference
to you in your actions?

Wouldn't have it any other way.

Ah, here comes the bus.

Check!

- Now, now, don't get
nasty my little friends,

your bumping's not gonna hurt you one bit.

Just relax and sleep.

Sleep, sleep, sleep

and in the morning you'll find
yourselves in your new home.

Eh, my pets?

Good morning, Doc, what you got there?

Alvin, I found some new friends.

Listen.

Wasps?

You better be careful, they
can sting a man to death.

Don't worry, we understand each other.

They know who their friend is.

They can tell.

Yeah, but they know when you ain't too.

Ah, nonsense.

If you knew about wasps what I know,

you'd have no fear of them my boy.

No fear.

- Hey you,
give us a hand here!

Hello there, Mr. Barker.

Surprised to see you out
here in the field, sir.

How are things running
at the front office?

Smooth as honey, Renfro.

I see here you turned in
over a thousand pounds

of orange blossom honey and 400 of beeswax

last month, Renfro, congratulations,

you've made the top of the list again.

Why, thank you sir.

- Holiday Honey needs
your kinda man, Renfro.

You stay with it and I
can see a bright future

for you with the company.

Well I do try to do my best, Mr. Barker.

I try to take my
inspiration from the bees,

always busy, busy, busy.

Yes.

Now what about this fellow, Dr. Zinthrop?

Zinthrop?

Boy, there's a nut, him and his bees.

You know it wouldn't surprise me someday

to see him flapping his arms, taking off

after some queen bee with
the rest of the drones.

- Mm-hmm, well he's paid to
do research on royal jelly.

Haven't had a progress
report from him in a month.

- Hmm, well, he has a
little workshop up there,

back of the orange grove,
keeps a few colonies.

- I suppose I better go
up there and take a look.

Hey you!

Where's this fellow Zinthrop?

- Oh, he's up where the
extractor is, up there!

Hey, hey, this isn't a honey bee.

These are wasps.

Wasps!

Who's responsible for this?

Most likely Dr. Zinthrop, sir.

I told you he was a crackpot.

Zinthrop, huh?

Zinthrop.

Zinthrop!

Zinthrop!

Now look here, Zinthrop,

what's all this nonsense about wasps?

I'm so glad you dropped in, Mr. Barker.

Mr. Barker, I'm on the
verge of a great discovery.

Discovery, what do you mean?

- Well, sir, I almost
perfected a new method

of extracting royal jelly
from the queen wasp.

- According to my figures you're
better at extracting funds

from the company.

Now look here, Zinthrop,

over $1,000 last month for miscellaneous.

Yes, yes, I know, but Mr. Barker,

let me just show you something.

Just let me show you something.

Already I've learned to
slow the process of aging.

Soon,

I shall be able to reverse it entirely.

What are you getting at, Zinthrop?

Look, what do you see?

I see a big dog and a little dog.

Let's say an old dog and a young dog.

All right, so what?

But they're exactly the same age.

You see, the little one
Greta has been given

regular injections of my
compound from the queen wasp.

Just like I told ya, Mr. Barker.

- Now look here, Zinthrop,
I understand about science

and progress and all that
but you were attained

to extract queen bee royal jelly.

Now it's a health food, a cosmetic.

It's not a miracle drug
or an elixir of youth,

that sort of thing is impossible.

- Oh, but Mr. Barker-
- Zinthrop,

I'm sorry, Zinthrop, but

I'm gonna have to let you go.

You just don't seem to be one of the team.

You understand.

Good luck, I'm sure
you'll fit in somewhere.

Fit in.

Somewhere.

Oh, now, now, don't worry, my friends.

We shall find a home somehow.

Somewhere.

Oh but you sound impatient.

I know, it's your babies, huh?

They're hungry and they must be fed.

Now, how would you like a
nice, juicy little caterpillar?

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

There.

Now you must eat and be strong because,

well, a lot of work to do together.

Yes sir.

A lot of work.