All language subtitles for Bill 2015 DVDRIP - eng

(guards chatting)

(cries out)

(guard groans)

(low chatter)

(coin clinking on floor)

GUARD:
Oh . . pow favor.

(strains)

Holy Maria.

(strains)

Please, I...

MAN:
Well, well, well, well.

If it isn't Sir Richard Hawkins.

Thieving English privateer
and pain in the bum hole.

Is that you, Phil?

King Phil...ip.

I thought so.

- You don't mind if l...?
- Oh, no, no, no, no.

- You carry on. Fill your boots.
- That's very decent of you.

Hm-mm-mm.

Love to stop for a portrait,
but er...must dash.

Do look me up if ever
one of your Armadas pans out

and I'll take you out in London.

- My treat.
- I'll be sure to pop it in the diary.

You seem very chipper
for someone being robbed.

No, it's just I'm a...
a little bit excited.

You see, I'm interested to see
how you're gonna get out of this one.

(gasps)

It's a round room, no corners, two exits.

Not exactly holding
all the cards there, Phil.

Have you forgotten
the first rule of espionage?

No. Always hide in plain sight.

(singsong voice):
Mr Hawkins.

Oh, bugger.

GUARD:
Take him.

Get him up!

I sail under the sovereign protection
of Queen Elizabeth

and she will not stand for this!

Good.

I'm counting on it.

(horse whinnies)

- Make way!
- (panicked cries)

Make way!

Aaargh!

(yells);
Make Way!

I don't suppose you could...?

He's gone.

Make way!

Letter for Her Majesty.

Where is she?

- Undressing. What is it?
- King Philip ll of Spain.

It would seem...

"he's captured Sir Richard.

(gasps)

QUEEN ELIZABETH:
Hawkins?

I agree, Your Majesty,

Hawkins is a most valuable asset

and we all want him back out there
robbing the Spanishes.

But diplomacy is our only option.

- A summit with King Philip.
LADIES-IN-WAITING: Ooh!

As your father, King Henry, always said,

"Keep your friends close
and your enemies closer."

And a lot of stuff about women
that I never really...

- Will there be dancing?
- What about a joust?

- Kiss chase.
- Sex wrestling.

- Perhaps a nice play.
- I hardly think we need to...

QUEEN ELIZABETH:
Wait.

Who saidma play?

BOY:
I'll get you!

(boys laughing)

WOMAN:
Bill! Bill!

- What?
- Your friends are here.

MAN: Ladies and gentlemen,

gently to hear, kindly to judge,

we aremMoflal Coil.

(lively tune)

(Plays solo)

(continues solo)

- It's not you.
- It is you.

It is you.

Maybe you're destined
for something different.

Like what?

- Erm...
- Er...

- Cooking.
- Anyway, we'd better...

"shuffle off.

Sorry, Bill.

Sorry, Bill.

I thought his name was Phil.

I knew something like this
was gonna happen.

- Talent jealousy.
- You'll get over that.

Not me. Them.

Well, I will call in
at the butcher's tomorrow

and see if he still needs someone
in the afternoons.

Whoa, Anne.

I'm not gonna go
and work in some butcher's.

But you said if things didn't work out
with the band, you'd get a proper job.

- You promised.
- I know.

And I have.

I've written a great work for the stage.

- What?
- I'm a writer now.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

(sighs) Bill, you're not a writer.

- What's this, then? Scottish mist?
- Scotch mist.

This is why you're not a writer.

Oh! It's just another fad, Bill.

Just like the acting, the band,
the interpretive dance.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No. This is different.

It's like the words flow through me.

Like I'm the east and they're the sun.

- Well, not that, but...
- Bill...

Writing scripts isn't a job,
not in Stratford.

You need theatres and patrons and...

- No.
- Just think about it.

There is no way
that you are moving our entire family

- down to that bloody London!
- ..a talented young writer in London.

You wanna go to London? You go to London.

But me and the kids
are not going with you.

You're 30 years old.
It's time you grew up.

- What, and give up my dreams?
- They're just dreams.

Oh!

Well...we'll see who the dreamer is,
sweetheart

That London is not gonna know
what hit it.

People will remember the name
Shakespeare...

...20 years from now!

To each their dreams.

- Earl of Essex.
- Of course, sir.

- Earl of Essex!
GATEKEEPER: Earl of Essex!

- Oxford.
- Of course, sir.

- Earl of Oxford!
- Earl of O!

- Croydon.
- Of course, sir.

Straight out the front gate,
down the road towards Penge.

Now, you need to veer left
when you hit a stream.

No, I don't want to go to Croydon.
I am Croydon.

The Earl of Croydon.

- Barry.
- Yeah?

- You got a Croydon down there?
- I was here yesterday.

- All right.
- Er... Got a Chester.

Cornwall?

- Got a Crawley.
- Yes, that's me.

- But you just said Croydon.
- There is no Earl of Crawley.

That's me. Your list is wrong.

We've gotta go by the list, sir.
A lot of Catholics about, you see.

You can't just let anybody in.

But he just...

Ah. Southampton, would you
please tell these idiots who I am?

- Yes, Crawley, isn't it?
- (chuckles)

- Earl of Crawley.
- Curly Wurly.

So no jokes at all as such.
We go out and do funny observations.

I'd stick to the juggling.

I pulled his finger.
Turned out he had dysentery.

(raucous laughter)

Ha, ha, ha.

- Anyone seen a spare chair or...?
- Drake, darling.

Are you still harping on
about your little pleasure cruise?

OTHERS: Oooh!
- Oooh-hoo-hoo-hoo!

You're still burning your way through
all your daddy's hard-earned money?

- (laughter)
- Oooh-hoo-hoo!

I'm trying, love.
Investing in the ans now.

It's like pouring it down a privy.

(guffaws)

Oh, and have you erm...?

Oh, yes. Three tankards of mead and
just a bowl of those crispy pork things.

- I'm the Earl of Croy...
- Now, get this.

- Go on, the one about the sailor.
- Oh!

Now, this... I warn you, you'll have
to mark this one "Not safe for work."

- (laughter)
- No, seriously.

He calls it an apartment,
but it's just a hut with...

- Hang on.
- (lively tune from palace)

I love this one.

(laughter and chatter)

Is it true as well that
during the battle of the Armada

they slept between two and five pm?

Yeah, mostly. We'd stop fighting
and they'd go and have a lie down

or go and chuck dads at a board.

Hey, where's our drinks?

- Where are our drinks?
- I am the Earl of Croydon.

I fetch drinks for no man.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

(laughter)

- Here's your tip.
- Oh. "Ha-ha-ha!"

Oh, hilarious.

It's a jesters' convention.

"Ooh, I sailed around the world.
Look at me, everyone. Ooh!"

You're no better than me!

- I do stuff.
- Like what, exactly?

Well, I do...er...

--iuggling_

Fire eating.

Ah! I'm a prostitu...

No, sir.

Writering.

Writering? Writering.

I am a writer.

- No, you're not, darling.
- How dare you!

I'm the finest writer in all of England!

Are you, now?

Who is it?

Indeed I am, Your Majesty.

Why, how very fortuitous, Lord...

Ooh, I want to say Crawley.

Croydon, Your Majesty.
The Earl of Croydon.

Crawley is down towards Horsham.

Croydon is...um...

Do you know Penge at all?

I don't care.

There is to be a diplomatic summit
with our beloved cousin,

King Philip ll of Spain.

ALL: King Philip ll of Spain.
- Spain.

(mumbles):
Sorry.

And what better centrepiece
to this fine event...

...than a demonstration
of our great nation's...

...utter dominance in the ads?

A play penned by
one of my very own counters.

And we shall be most pleased
to hear this play of yours.

Because you know what happens
if we're displeased.

(exhales)

- Sorry, you do know what happens if...
- Yep. Yes, yeah.

Oh, no, that's gone.

(ladies gasp)

(ladies gasp and cry out)

Si.

(ladies gasp)

Ooh!

What is the score, Your Majesty?

- Juice.
- (ladies coo)

Your Majesty,
there is a messenger here to see you.

From England.

"To His Majesty King Philip ll of Spain."

That's me.

"Queen Elizabeth cordially invites you
to diplomatic talks in London

to discuss the capture of her most
loyal subject, Sir Richard Hawkins."

Actually, I just need to...

I told you she would take the bait.

The rabbit is in the snare.

Your Majesty...

...the specialists you requested.

Oh, yes. Talk to me.

Lope Lopez, Your Majesty.

Master of inquisition.

It's for making people talk.

Juan Domingo, Your Majesty.

Espionage. . and weapon-w.

- (cries out)
- (shocked cries)

- Nice.
- Actually, I was aiming for the pillar.

Sweaty hands. (clears his throat)

And...where's the other one?

Gabriel Montoya, Your Majesty.

Master of disguise.

If you need a milkmaid, Washerwomen
or female fisherman,

I am YOUT woman - man.

(whispers):
Man.

OK.

We have been presented with a...

- Why are you here again?
- Sorry. Um...

I just need to take food orders
for the banquet.

Just so we've got some rough numbers
on the mains.

Whatever is fine. I don't care.

Er...l can't eat shellfish.

- What?
- Well, prawns are fine.

But...l have to avoid the bivalves.

What... What, what?

Bivalves. You know, er...mussels,

scallops, oysters and...

Oh, what is the one
which er...stick out of the sand?

- Razor clams.
- Razor clam!

Ai, ai, ai.

And I can't do nuts.

If I even eat a small, itty-bitty nut,

my throat, it expands,
it swells like a man's thing.

- And langoustine.
- You had that thing with...

- No one's gonna force you to eat nuts.
- OK, you know what? Whatever.

- Oh...
- Just go now.

Seriously?

We have been presented
with a unique opportunity

to rid the world of this Protestant cow,

to strike from within her royal court

This is our Trojan horse.

It doesn't look like a horse.

Well, it's not an actual horse.
You know, it's a...a metaphor.

(chuckles) Read a book.

It's a hiding place from which
a secret attack can be sprung.

Gentlemen,
who would like to kill a queen?

ALL: Yes!
- Yes, please!

Yes!

Yes!

(knife clatters)

(grunts)

OK, what is this? Some kind of veneer?

You need a softer wood,
like a balsa, something like that.

- Or do the chair.
- Stick it in the chair maybe.

- Try the chair.
- You'll ruin the chair.

You been before?

- No, first time.
- Oooh.

It's nice. You'll like it.

- Don't steal anything.
- Yeah.

(chatter)

BOY: Wait for me.
2ND BOY: This way.

- Here!
- Tom!

London.

(women chatting)

- Yeah, well, it's mostly pork.
- Right.

- When you say mostly pork, what"?
- Well, mostly pork and other stuff.

- It doesn't matter. It's only for him.
- Yeah.

Right.

EARL OF CROYDON:
Ian!

Ian!

MY LOFd. (squeals)

Why did you let me get drunk?

- I wasn't there.
- Exactly.

Look what happened.

Now I have to write this incredible play

or some power-crazed lunatic's
going to chop my head off.

- Well, repofl him to the Queen.
- I'm talking about the Queen.

And stop leaving me
multiple chamber pots.

It's very confusing.

Sun... (sighs)

I suppose writing a play
can't be that hard, can it?

I mean, it's just...

talking, isn't it, but...written down.

(sniffs)

"Hello. I'm a man in a play."

"Hello. I'm a woman in a play."

Oh, this is easy.

- Ian?

Go out and fetch me paper and quills.

I'm going to put Croydon on the map.

Good day to you, sir.

I am a dramatist from a distant vale

who comes to London
seeking fame and fortune.

Would you be so kind
as to point me in the direction

of the city's most reputable theatre?

Ha.

(laughs)

(coughs)

The theatres are closed, my friend.

Plague. It's killing the ads.

And people. I heard.

It's taken my play.
It might as well have its audience.

You're a writer?

I'm a writer too.

(stool scrapes on floor)

Shakespeare. Bill Shakespeare.

Christopher Marlowe.

So, what son of stuff
do you write, Chris?

Drama, tragedies,
tales of betrayal and revenge.

Frailties of the human condition.

- You?
- Bum jokes.

People hit by sticks. Comedy.

- Comedy?
- You know, like erm...

(snares)

I see your mum's in.

That's not my mother.

- That's not what your sister told me.
- (coughing)

- That's a man.
- That's what makes it funny.

- You're not from London, are you, Bill?
- No, Stratford.

Just came down here to try
and get this baby into a theatre or...

Look, I'm the most
successful playwright in London

and I can't even buy a house
without borrowing money.

I mean, imagine that.

If I can't make a living from the theatre,

I hardly see the works of Shakespeare
taking the world by storm.

I see.

- Do you act?
- Well, I've...trodded the boards.

I'm thinking about going for this thing.

It's not much, but it's money.

It's a two-hander, so...
if you wanna come along...

Thank you.

Don't thank me.

Thank your mother who is dead.

- What?
- Not like that, then?

Oh, no. No, never like that.

Right. Interesting.

- So, this thing, is it a meaty role?
- (clears throat)

Not exactly.

- Vegetables!
- Vegetables.

Madam, why not try some vegetables
with your meat?

Try some vegetables? They're really
good for you. And they help you poo.

Get 'em right down.

Are you cold?

I'm cold.

- (squeals)
- Sssh.

- Walsingham. I thought you were dead.
- No, just in deep cover.

- But it was an open casket.
- Yeah, it was very deep.

Listen, Molly...
I need some information.

Is it true, about this summit?

Oh, yes, here at the palace on the 7th.

- I hear the Spanish are hunky.
- Well, you hear wrong!

Catholics can't put on muscle mass
because God hates them.

They've no muscle and no backbone,
like snakes.

Surely snakes are all backbone. No?

- Well, like worms, then.
- Oh, no, worms are all muscle.

- Someone knows a lot about Catholics.
- No, no, just...garden creatures.

Hm... One can't be too careful, Molly.

They're everywhere, you know.

The Catholic threat may be sleeping now,
but it will soon awaken like a...

- Bear?
- Yes.

Good.

Like a non-muscular, spineless bear!

(squeals)

- Uh... False alarm.
- So we're safe, then?

Safe? Ha!

If the Catholics
are so weak and spineless...

What they lack in muscular,
skeletal integrity,

they more than make up for in cunning.

They'll be hatching plots as we speak.

Well, should I tell the old...

- Majesty?
- No.

I will be her eyes and ears and mouth.

No, not mouth.

Just tell her Sir Francis Walsingham
is back and I remain, as always,

her most faithful servant.

- (fads)
- (plop)

KING PHILIP:
We are close. Disguises on.

- Boss.
- What is it?

I don't understand.

If you have been invited to England, why
do we have to sneak ashore like this?

Because, Juan, one:

the invitation was for me
and my closest advisors,

not a group of trained assassins.

They were very clear about that.

And two, Juan:
an assassination like this,

it takes time and planning.

People don't just kill themselves.

My cousin did.

(laughs)

Sleep well this night, dear Queen.

Soon this land shall be mine.

(spits)

Boss, I have some bad news.

We forgot the horse.

Gentlemen, good evening.

And welcome...to England.

If you'd just like to follow me up to
Customs, we'll get you checked in, OK?

You land us here? I said clandestine.

I don't know what that means.

One donkey, straw, made thereof.

All...righty, Richard.

If you'd like to shimmy that one along
and pop the next one sur la table.

Strapping lads,
like my sons would have been.

The plague.

Let's have a look.
What have we got here?

OK. Ours is not to judge prior...

What's this?

- It's for making peo...
- Gazpacho.

It's for making gazpacho.
It's a...cold soup.

It's very nice.

(whirrs)

(rattling, squeak)

Well, everything seems to be in order.
Enjoy your stay.

Psst. Sir.

- King Philip ll of Spain?
- Yes.

Oh. Very clever.

(shouting)

(gulls cry)

- Morning.
- Walsingham.

- I thought you were dead.
- Don't believe everything you read.

- I can't read.
- Good.

- Any survivors?
- No, sir.

Whoever it was did a thorough job.

(sniffs)

We did get one of theirs, sir.
No idea who they are.

Catholics.

The game is afoot.

(bell tolls)

- This is heavy.
- (chatter)

Wait. That might be our man.

The weather in London is
unseasonably cold for this time of year.

But the mynah bird must wait until winter
before its song can be heard.

What the hell does that mean?

Honestly, you try and start
a conversation with someone...

The weather in London is
unseasonably cold for the time of year.

- Are you the secret Catholic contact?
- Er... Yes.

No. Um...

- Yes.
- OK, let's go.

- Right, yes. This way, Your Majesty.
- Come.

Ow.

You're kidding, right?

This is the biggest
Protestant church in England.

Last place you'd look for
a Catholic hideout, Your Majesty, yes.

- Hide in plain sight.
- Ha-ha.

Yes, I like this guy. He's got cojones.

Come along, come along. This way.

- Sorry. Sssh.
- (overlapping chatter)

Over here.

(scraping and clanking)

(squeaking)

Your Majesty,
I think you'll find everything you need.

Jesus Christ.

(low chatter stops)

Sorry.

BILL: My sweet angel.

Greetings from that London.

I am delighted to report
that despite your slight doubts,

my dreams of success
are coming to fruition.

Sorry. Trousers stolen in the night.

Very much not my fault.

I have secured a challenging role
performing daily

with renowned dramatist
Christopher Marlowe.

I greatly regret the terms
on which we parted

and look forward to your reply,

as reading it would provide
a welcome distraction

from my tireless schedule
of rehearsals, performances and...

Oh, no.

CHILDREN:
Daddy!

- Daddy!
' Hey, guys!

(laughs):
WOW!

- Wh... What are you doing here?
- I brought the kids to see Daddy.

- And what's Daddy dressed as?
CHILDREN: A tomato.

Mm-hm.

And can we think of any plays
that a tomato might be in?

- Gosh, well, there's...
- Look, kids.

- A human statue.
- No, he's...dead.

Oh, look. A juggler.
Go and have a look. Go on.

- Wow.
- So this is it, is it?

- This is your big, challenging role?
- OK, I admit I'm not on the stage yet.

But I'm making inroads.

If I work really hard,
I could be the next Christopher Marlowe.

Oh, this is Christopher Marlowe.

Chris, Anne. Anne, Chris.

- Hello.
- I'm staying with Aunt Jane.

Have them back by three.

Anne, please, give me a chance.

CROYDON:
Enter our hero. Let's call him Hero.

Erm... Blah, blah, blah...

Oh, God. Writing's hard.

That poor sexy woman.

(scraping)

(laughter)

Hello, my dear.

Going somewhere?

(they laugh)

Here, look. Ring and ting.

- Get away from me!
- Unhand that beautiful woman, sir!

What's the matter with you? Cowards?

Get him.

- (they laugh)
- Yeah.

(they laugh)

- (they cry out)
ANNE: Aaaah!

(knife clatters)

Oh.

Bit embarrassing.

(whimpers)

Let that be a lesson to you.

Good God. Are you all right?

It's quite hard to tell.
I mean, it's deep, but it hasn't gone...

- Oh, right.
- Thank you.

Quickly. Poor people are easily startled,
but they'll soon be back.

And in greater numbers. Come.

Aaargh!

- Don't dawdle, Ian.
- I'll be right with you.

(groans) He's had lunch.

And I take his throat out. Nnnyh!

And the blood is...

It's everywhere. It's on the walls,
it's on the architraves, on the rugs.

And the Queen, she tries to get away,

but she can't run because
she's slipping in all of the blood.

So I grab her by the hair
and I pull her round to look at me

and I say, "Knock, knock! Lope's here!"

And she's like, "Oh, no!"
And I go, "Shut up!"

And I put my thumbs
right into her eyes and when I let go,

the eyes, they plop out
and drop down onto the cheeks.

And so I pick up the eyes
and I look at them with my eyes and I go,

"Ahh! Do you like that, lady, huh?
Do you like that?"

- OK.
- Yeah.

Thank you for that, Lope. It's very nice.

- Let's call that plan J. Hm?
- Plan J.

OK.

Sorry. Do you want to...?

- Oh.
- Hm.

The problem with it is, because of
the unfortunate incident on the beach...

the authorities are now on high alert

The issue is now not how we kill the Queen
but getting close enough to do it.

Boss, I have an idea.

Does it involve you dressing up as a lady?

- Well, yes.
- OK, any other ideas in the room?

No, no, please, please.

Listen.

We need to find a way to get us all inside
the palace without raising suspicion.

The play's the thing.

Yes, that's it.

(murmuring)

We must find this Earl of Croydon...

...for his play is our Trojan horse.

Any questions?

Please come in, relax.
Welcome to my humble abode.

- I really don't think this is necessary.
- No, no, it's no trouble at all.

- You're in deep shock.
- Actually, I don't think I am.

Yeah, that's one of the symptoms.

Ian, would you fetch the lady
some brandy, please?

- Brandy.
- And nibbles. Fetch some nibbles.

Oh.

So...

- Erm... ls there somewhere I could...?
- Oh, yes, of course.

Just up the stairs, second on the left.

(9 FOWI s)

(gasps)

Ian, whoever that is, I'm out!

Gentlemen. How may I...

Right.

Seriously, Lope,
what is wrong with you? Hm?

- What?
- Is this about your dad?

- Ian, who was it?
- Some handsome men.

Who the hell are you?

(gasps) King Philip ll of Spain.

(cries out) Oh.

Oh, God. Not now.

- Anyway, how are you?
- Don't worry.

If I wanted to kill you,
you'd be dead already.

What is this, some son of Catholic plot?

(laughter)

- A Catholic plot?
- (laughter continues)

No, no, no. I assure you,
there is no conspiracy here.

No, no, no. It's just that things
between me and your beautiful Queen...

(laughter)

"they have been
a little bit...difficult.

So, I was thinking.

How can I demonstrate that our two nations
can work together, in harmony?

A half-and-half flag cake?

It's a cake, obviously.

Half of it looks like the English flag.

- Imagine...
- The other...

"this great play of yours ends.

People are applauding,
they are cheering.

Then you step forward and you say,

"Your Majesty, surprise.

'This play has been a collaboration
with our Spanish friends."

She cries. She hugs you.

She gives you Devon.

- I do like Devon.
- Who doesn't?

Together...we shall put on a play
that will go down in history...

- Wait a minute. Is this it?
- Yeah, well, it's not quite finished.

Not quite finished?
It's, what, three pages?

It's been a bit of a struggle
if I'm honest.

You're telling me.
"Hello. I'm a man in a play."

"I am a woman also in a play."

- Talk about clunky exposition.
- Well, what do you expect me to do?

Stumble across some unsuspecting
young writer with a completed play,

hoodwink him, steal his work
and pass it off as my own?

Oh. I'm sorry.
I didn't realise you had visitors.

Oh, Anne,

this is erm...

- Geoff...Smith.
- Yes.

A theatrical impresario.
And these are the...

...Cockney Players of Bow.

- All right?
- London Town.

Down the rub-a-dub.

You see,
I'm putting on a play for the Queen.

If you can find one, mate.

(laughter)

- I'll find one, mate.
- Well, you better had.

(laughter)

My husband's written a play.

Can you spare a moment
to talk about vegetables at all?

- No.
- They're really good for you and...

Hey. What are you doing?

This is a meat market, mate.

This is our patch,
not some son of vegetable pa...

Surely there's room enough for...

There some son of problem here,
Lesfie?

No, no. No problem.

Just a salad that needs addressing.

Ups-a-daisy.

Here, you can't just walk around
pushing people about.

What, like that?

(laughs)

Take your veg and stick it!

- All right.
- Sorry, mate.

Had a bad day. Fancy a spot of lunch?

We'll get something light.

Phil Shakespeare?

WOMAN:
Bring out your dead!

Marlowe.

- Bring out your dead!
- (flies buzzing)

Who's dead?

(gasps)

Walsingham.

- I thought you were dead.
- I'm as alive as the next man.

Just...hiding in plain sight.

In these troubled times, a truly...

- It's a pretty good yield.
- Yeah, it's been a good day today.

- Any more dead?
- Anyway, down to business.

I need some information.

No, I'm out of the spying game,
I told you. I'm now a credible artiste.

There's been a dip in writing work.

- The cucumber's for the dip.
- Makes sense.

Well, spy or no spy, I would ask you
to keep your ear to the ground

for any signs of a Catholic plot.

- Well, like what?
- Well, I don't know.

Er... Priest holes, candles,
massive Marys...

...big pictures of the Pope.

If you see anything,
you can contact me

through the pie stall in the marketplace.

Until next time, then,
I'll bid you...adieu.

- Your Majesty.
- Hm.

BILL:
Familiarise yourself with this.

- "Thou shalt be king."
BILL: Don't be nervous.

- (they rehearse lines)
- Same for you, Mick.

- I have lady pads.
- Erm...

- I have the lady pads?
- Oh, yes, I see.

Erm... Yeah,
you're playing both female roles.

OK! Suit the action to the word
and the word to the action.

Oh, and speak the speech
as I pronounced it to you,

because some of you
have slightly weird accents.

(attempts Cockney accent):
All-day breakfast. Fish and chips.

Good. Well...

Best of luck, guys. Break a leg.

No problem.

- Nibbles?
- No.

BILL: Presenting a bold new work
for the stage by Bill Shakespeare.

(lively intro)

# Two men who look the same

# But have a different aim

# It's a series of funny misunderstandings

# Two twins each with a lover
# Who mistake each for the other

# Somehow fall into the service
of a mad king

# Take this letter
# Wait, there's two

# And they mix up which goes to who

# The comic complications keep expanding

# In a tale so confused
You can't help but be amused

# By this series
of funny misunderstandings

# A jilted bride
# That's not funny

- Pretend she died?
- On the money!

# And her poisoned body's
hidden by a monk

# Until a fool who's quite smart
# He's a fool, that's a start

# Says: This monk is nuts
# And locks him in a trunk

# And his servant, make him thick
Then hit him with a stick

# It's a series of funny misunderstandings

# Cue a mixed-up wedding blessing
# Further vexed by more cross-dressing

# Which goes on to heal
two families at war

# When the bride they thought was dead
comes back with a donkey's head

# But marries anyway because her groom

# Has been drugged by a whore!

# Add a priest, add a lion,
add a wrangle over money

# It's too much
# I'm confused

# Yes, that's what makes it funny

# Severed heads, star-crossed lovers

# English kings, evil mothers

# With a big happy ending
notwithstanding

# We think you'll agree
this has turned out to be

# A series of

# Funny misunderstandings!

(panting)

Oh, God, I'm dead.

(door closes)

(low chatter and laughter)

I heard about the play.

Sorry, mate.

Why are you dressed as a sausage?

I got turned.
Playing for the other team now.

Well, if they need a spare rib,
put a word in.

- Looks like I need a change of career.
- Oh, come on, Bill.

I'm sure it's not all that bad.

You know, sometimes these things,
they seem worse than they actually...are.

Oh, no. Why would you...?

Where's all the...?
What the hell's that?

Dance moves.

I'm not a writer, am I?

Just a fad.

Right, first things first -
write what you know.

OK?

Well, get a quill.

And ales.

You've just got to take in everything
around you. Take in all your surroundings.

(soundtrack over dialogue)

' Yes!
' Yes!

- Ow!
- This is not a library.

His Lordship sent me
for Mr Shakespeare's play.

- Oh, well, there you go.
- I'll deal with this.

Mr Shakespeare works for coin,
which I don't see any...of.

His Lordship said he'd pay
Mr Shakespeare when he saw him next.

Don't give me that old chuff.
You know how this works.

- No money, no funny.
- All right.

Don't stab the messenger...please.

You tell Mr Croydon that Mr Shakespeare
will meet him tonight.

Somewhere neutral.
The Bull's Inn, Deptford.

It's quite safe. He brings the money,
he gets the script.

- I'll tell him.
- Good.

And I'll tell your mum...who isn't here.

- Needs work.
- Yeah, it does, doesn't it?

You'll be fine. Just stick to your guns.

50 pounds, not a farthing less.

- Got it.
- Bill.

- I think you've got something.
- What, from the river?

No. I mean...

talent.

It's a little rough, sure,
but...it's there.

So, I am a writer?

Not yet. This...

...I can teach you.

Only you can find this.

A nipple?

We'll work on it.

Thanks, Chris.

(chuckling)

Thanks.

Bill, you forgot the play!

Sorry. I...

Oh, no.

Christopher Marlowe.
How nice to see you again.

It would seem your world
has been turned upside down.

Which is funny,
because you are the wrong way up.

Look, I know
I missed a few payments, but...

Ssssh'.!

Honestly, you writers.

BOTH:
You are all the same.

We lend you money to buy little house.

You now have little house.
You pay back money.

Absolutely, and I will.

Overdue payments may result
in increased interest rates,

recovery action and forfeiture
of life and limb/limbs.

Terms and conditions apply.

- Small print?
- Not really.

Although, admittedly, it is in Russian.

Perhaps we were not clear
what happens to people who are late twice.

This is a late customer.

- Urgh!
- Which is funny because he is dead.

In order to avoid
further inconvenience,

we now require you to pay full amount.

50 English cash pounds
by this time tomorrow.

50? Where the hell
am I supposed to find 50...pounds?

50 pounds by tomorrow.
Or we have to buy another trunk.

Ooh. Got you these.

Some son of rose. I forget the name.

I've got news.

- (she giggles)
- Keep them closed.

OK?

Open them.

- I've sold my play.
- Wow.

To an earl.

Earl of Croydon.

- It's near Penge.
- Penge, yeah.

And they're putting it on for the Queen.
Not here. At the palace.

This was just, you know...

- For the drama.
- Yeah.

But it's good, Anne.

- Imagine it.
- Where...?

(laughs) Get down from there.

The Rose Theatre is delighted
to present a play by Bill Shakespeare!

(laughs)

Listen.

I know I haven't
always made things...easy.

But it really feels like
things are looking up for me.

For us.

And you said I'd never make it.

- What?
- "Go and be a butcher," you said.

"Don't go to London," you said.
Well, look at me now.

Hang on a minute.
I've always supported you.

Well, yes and no.

- I mean, up to a point, but...
- Up to a point?

Well, let's face it, here I am, in London,

about to perform my play for the Queen.

And who's that down to?

Yours truly.

Number 1A, Me Avenue.

- It was me, you idiot.
- What?

- I told Croydon about your play.
- What? When?

- The other day, at his house.
- At his house, were you?

- Not like that. He picked me up.
- Did he, now?

- I was trying to help you.
- Well, I don't need your help.

Well, that's a bit of luck, isn't it?
Because you're not gonna get it again.

- I'm going back to Stratford.
- Fine.

One day you'll realise what you just lost.

I hope it was all worth it.

No, one day you'll realise what you lost,
when I'm up here.

When I'm up here.

(applause)

(thunder rumbles)

Saying things in a shod, snappy way

instead of a long, drawn-out way
is the soul of wit.

Ooh. Someone's been in the wars.

Yes, I...

- What are you doing in a pie?
- It's a disguise.

Or one might say a dis-pies.

Now, that works in three ways.

One, it's a disguise.
Two, the disguise is pies.

And three, it's got
the word "spies" in it, so...

- It's very clever.
- Mm.

What did you want?

- Well, you know Catholic plots?
- Does the Pope wear a silly hat?

I think I may have found one.

MARLOWE: He rents a room
above The Quill and Rapier.

Well, you'll see for yourself.

He's turned it into
some sort of Catholic shrine.

What them?

I'm being framed.

MEN: Left, right, left...
- Come on, lads.

- Chris?
- (banging on door)

MEN:
Left, right, left...

Mr Shakespeare, I presume.

You, my friend,
are going straight to he... Aargh!

- (groans)
MEN: Left, right, left, right...

After him, you fools!

(clucking)

(overlapping chatter)

Right!
Can everyone please stop arriving?

- Where's the money?
- Where's Shakespeare?

He's...tied up. I'm...his agent.

Play first.

What the hell's this?

Your change, sir.

- (Squelch)
' Urgh! Aargh!

A pleasure doing business with you.

Why?

Er... Cheaper.

(gasps)

- King Philip ll of Spain.
- Sssh.

- (groans)
- It's a secret, you see.

This play you have
kindly provided me with...

...I'm going to use it to kill the Queen.

A Catholic plot. You fiend!

Don't be like that.

Oh, don't take it out. Don't take it out.

It won't hurt if I do it quickly.
It's a bit like erm...

Do you do your eyebrows?

- No.
- OK. Well, it's a little bit like that.

- (dagger pulled out)
- Aargh!

(laughter)

Bill...

- Chris, I'm gonna kill you!
- (groans)

Join the club, mate.

- Oh, my God.
- No, it's a scratch. It's just a scratch.

It's nothing.

Actually, that is quite bad, isn't it?

Chris?

I betrayed you.

I needed the play, the money.

- I'm in terrible debt.
- This was over a debt?

No, no. This wasmCatholics.

- Catholics?
- Croydon's company.

- They're Spanish agents.
- The Cockney Players?

- But they're from Bow.
- No.

Mark me, they plan to use our play
to somehow kill the Queen.

You must go to the pie stall
in the marketplace.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doing?

Oh, sorry. Did you want that?

Want it? He isn't dead.

Well, not quite. But I knock off in five,
and realistically...

Go away!

Right, you see her? Well, your mum...

- For God's sake, not now, Chris.
- Yes, yes, the plot.

You must find Walsingham.

Go to the pie stall in the marketplace
and say these code words.

Saying things in a shod, snappy way...
soul of wit.

You mean "brevity".

Er... Yeah.

But say it my way.

And Walsingham
will deal with the Spanish.

Avenge me, my friend...

for now I go...and it is done.

The bell invites me.

One more thing.

The...the script I gave them, it's...

It...

So wise, so young...

they say do never live long.

Seriously?

- (laughs)
- Well, Your Majesty, we have our play.

Cheers.

We'll stop for nibbles.

Yes, I don't want to worry you,

but this reads a lot
like a Russian loan agreement.

Why, that double-crossing little...

Furs!

Get your lovely furs!

High fashion furs!

High fashion...

Saying things
in a shod, snappy way inst...

- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.

King Philip ll of Spain.

(9 F0ans)

- Where is the play?
- I don't know.

You'd better tell me...

...or I will let Lope here
loose with his device.

You don't wanna know
where this bit goes.

So, you'd better tell me...

- In your bum.
- Don't actually say it.

Why are you saying it? It's more
dramatic if you don't say it. I... What?

OK.

Listen, as far as I knew,
you had the play.

- I don't know where he's put it.
- Then you will write me a new play.

Without Chris, that's impossible.

Nothing is impossible,
Mr Shakespeare.

Given the proper motivation.

- Anne.
- That's right.

We have Jan.

It's Anne.

Is it? Oh.

- Why?
- Because the Queen needs a play

and I'm not about to let her down.

But he's gonna kill the Queen, you idiot!

I think you mean surprise the Queen.

(chuckles)

- Right?
- Well, it's kind of a surprise.

Oh!

Oh, you villainous snake.

As a loyal peer and patriot,

I would never betray the sovereign power.

- You still get Devon.
- Very much back on board.

So, you write me a new play...

"otherwise, it's "Adiés, sefiora."

- it's...?
- It's Spanish for "Goodbye, lady."

It means I'm going to kill her.

Look, you wrote play before.
Write it again.

I thought you were playwright.

Well, you thought wrong.

I can't do this, not on my own.

I hope that is not true. For your sake.

(door closes)

(exhaling)

Bill.

What an thou?

By heaven I charge thee, speak.

Hello.

Erm... Hello.

You're not here.

You're just a tired mind
playing tricks.

I'm a friend when you need one.
Question not my coming.

So you've come to help me? With the play?

(laughs)

I can no more lift a quill
than I can tip this cup.

(clatters)

That was a coincidence.

The point is, I cannot give you help.

You don't need it.

I've got nothing here.

No characters, no story.

No story?
No story in the time we've shared?

Of the hand that fate has dealt you
these days past?

Tales of betrayal, plotting kings,
the death of a friend.

Such twists and turns
as would shame any fiction.

Write what you know.

I can do this.

I can do this.

No, no, no. Wait, wait.
That's just the story.

What of the words?

(sniffle)

It's a hit.

A palpable hit.

So my wife can go.

But you haven't finished yet.
I have some notes.

Number one, we lose this.

It's your play now.

And number two,
the end could be a little more...

How shall I say?

Explosive.

OTHERS:
Hooray!

Sssh .

(whisper):
Hooray.

Hm.

Gather round. So, here's the plan.

You wit! stack the gunpowder
behind the stage during the first act.

Juan will then light the fuse
when he hears Ramon -

who plays witch number three -
say the line:

Thou shalt be king hereafter.

Hope you like bombs.

I shall then make my excuses

and sneak out
while you exit through the kitchen.

Gotta go now. Bye.

And Mr Shakespeare
will be coming with us

to witness the final act
in his little drama,

where we will quite literally
bring the house down.

(King Philip laughs)

Come on. It's a theatre joke.

Gentlemen, to the palace!

OK. Left a bit, John.

Left. My left!

Right. And let it go.

Gemma!

Big day today, obviously.

Security level
has been set at dark woad,

which I believe is this one?

Erm... Hello? Excuse me?

Where are you going?

(Cockney accent): We're the
Cockney Players of Bow, me old plate.

- Yeah.
- The actors, yes.

Yeah, I'm looking forward to that.
I used to do a turn myself.

I don't know if you've ever heard
of The Sticky Players?

Oh... Magic days.

Anyway, just follow the path
and you'll get to the front gate.

Hang on. What are those barrels about?

ALL:
Er...

Well, there's a Cockney song,
in't there, mate,

where we roll 'em out.

# Roll out the barrels, mate
- (others join in)

- (muffled cries)
# We'll give you some barrels of fun

- Yeah, mate.
# Where's he coming from?

Very good. (clears throat)
Well, off you trot, then.

(horse whinnies)

(muffled cries)

Cheeky.

Right, drapes. Gemma!

# fanfare

Classic.

King Philip ll of Spain.

COURTIERS: King Philip ll of Spain.
- Of Spain.

Sorry.

Her most excellent Majesty...

...by the grace of God, Elizabeth...

...Queen of England...

France and Ireland.

Defender of the Faith.

- Most improved monarch '92 to...
- Let's assume he knows who I am.

Your Majesty, it is a very great honour
to be invited to your fine country,

which I just got to this morning.

I came straight here. (laughs)
No funny business.

- Whoa! Talk about boat-lagged.
ELIZABETH: Philip.

It is our greatest hope
that this summit shall pave the way

to lasting peace
between our two great nations.

Right, come on,
let's get this over with.

(mimics explosion)

First we eat, and before you ask,
the Soup's sewed hot.

Ah, come off it.

Then we watch Crawley's new play

and finally we discuss
the release of Hawkins.

Who?

Hello!

Oh, yes, him, the reason I'm here. Ha-ha!

Mind like a gauze. It's terrible.

Yeah, that's him.

Oh. And one of 'em said something
about a pie stall.

(as a woman):
What about the voice?

Is it convincing?

Gabriel... I don't care.

(laughter)

You then chop up the tomatoes, you cook
the onions, but then you leave it a bit...

OK.

Burghley.
I like what you've done with this. Huh?

Two beards in one. Very nice. (chuckles)

Whoa. Better make it a good one.

The wife's in.

Oh! Didn't I mention?
It seems Devon comes with a duchess.

(Sniggers)

Well, he may be
a crazed religious extremist,

but this Shakespeare is smart

And a truly smart man knows...

...you hide in plain sight!

Ladies and gentlemen...

...Your Majesties,

I'm delighted to present
for your enteflainment

a new tragedy...

comedy/drama/history play,

written by and co-starring
the Earl of Croydon.

That's me. Croydon.

# fanfare

Oh, for a muse of fire...

...that would ascend
the brightest heaven of invention,

a kingdom for a stage, princes to act

and monarchs
to behold this swelling scene.

(squeaking)

(applause)

Did you see? Did you see?

I was just... They were...

(play continues)

lam so going to hell.

Evening.

- You set me free.
- No, you set me free.

Let's go.

BOTH:
Where are you going?

We have to save Anne, stop the plot.

- Are you crazy in the coconut?
- What's a coconut?

Well, my Catholic friends,

you have led me a merry dance.

But now it would seem
that I have the upper hand!

(shouting)

Aaarg h! (g roans)

- I won't leave her, not again.
- Well, then, you are on your own.

May God be with you, my friend.

'Tismenough.

(gasps of shock)

Bit of a rewrite.

"A Play for Her Majesty"?

Ha!

Hark.

By the pricking of my thumbs,

oh, something wicked this way comes.

(screeching and cackling)

Witches...

Witches! OK.

Scared.

How now,
you secret, black and midnight hags.

Hail to thee, the Thane of Glamis.

Hail to thee, the Thane of Cawdor.

Hail to thee, for thou shalt be king.

(boom)

(cries of surprise)

- Mark me.
- What the hell?

- What the hell?
- What the hell?

I could a tale unfold

whose lightest word
would harrow up thy soul,

freeze thy blood, make thine eyes
like stars start from their spheres.

A foul and most unnatural murder.

Marlowe?

That I now avenge!

WALSINGHAM:
Shakespeare!

- That's him!
- (gasps of surprise)

- Ooh. A cameo.
- The Catholids mine!

Listen, you've got the wrong man!

That's what a Catholic traitor
would say.

This is what's known
as breaking the fourth wall.

(grunts) Ooh!

Sword fight?

Sword fight, sword fight...

(cries of shock)

(prolonged scream)

Wait! He's not the Catholic.

We are the Catholics.

- (gasps of shock)
- Me amigos, plan J.

(shouting)

(mouths)

Actually, you know what?

I've gotta go
to the little kings' room.

OK. Excuse me.

It's seafood. King coming through.
Make a hole.

Goodbye, Queen.

Yeah.

SERGEANT:
Come on, there's another one...

Oh, villain, villain,

smiling, damned villain.

Uh...

All the world's a stage...

...and all the men...and women...

...merely players.

They have their exits and entrances...

...and one man in his time
plays many pads.

Take this man.

Hath he not played the pan of Patron?

Patriot?

Traitor?

Thief!

Who would rob a scribe of his words...

...a man of his wife...

a land...of its queen!

(gasps of shock)

Your Majesty, hell is empty.

All the devils are here.

Aren't they, Phil?

(shocked murmuring)

Ah... (chuckles)

Ha-ha-ha.

You think you're so clever,
don't you? Hm?

With your hair and your face.

Well, this changes nothing.

We may leave now
this damp, fetid bog of a country.

MAN:
All right, mate.

But know this.

I will return,

and my revenge...will have no bounds.

I shall do such things.

What they are yet, I know not.

But they shall be
the terrors of the earth.

And we're going to bring an horse.

But it's not a normal horse. Oh, no.

It's a ginormous horse
and it will confuse you.

- But that's the point of the horse.
- What is wrong with you?

What is actually wrong with you?
You are broken in the head.

It is not a real horse!

- It is not a real horse?
- It is not a real horse.

- What is it?
- It is a wooden horse.

PHILIP:
What is so hard to...

I arrest thee of capital treason
'gainst the Queen and crown, Crawley.

It's not Crawley. It's...

Oh, I give up.

A head filled with such fine words.

Almost a pity to put a spike up it.

- He didn't write the play.
- (gasps of shock)

- Your Majesty.
- Then who did...girl?

Bill.

William Shakespeare.

My husband.

Well, well, Mr Shakespeare.

Is there no end to your talents?

I may unmask these devils, ma'am,
yet still I cast myself among them.

For though I share not
the nature of their crimes,

I too sinned, as a demon might...

...when I cast aside an angel.

Shall I compare thee
to a summer's day?

Thou an more lovely and more temperate.

Rough winds do shake
the darling buds of May.

- And summer's lease...
- Stop talking.

(cheer)

Mr Shakespeare.

You may kiss my hand.

I may not be long for this world.

But I am most grateful
to see a few more dawns.

Thank you.

Southampton!

- Hello, love.
- ls your money room still bulging?

Oh, it's positively out of hand, darling.
I've had to knock a wall through.

Then see to it that this loyal subject
finds himself well financed.

Your Majesty.

Well, we shall be hearing much more
from you, won't we, Shakespeare?

Yes, Your Majesty. I have a few ideas.

Excellent.

Though maybe one at a time, eh?
Cos that was a bit dense.

Well, then...
all's well that ends well.

Time for some music, methinks.

Ladies and gentlemen...

I give you Modal Coil!

(cheering)

(lively tune)

(mouths)

It's a full house, Bill.
Have you settled on a title?

How about
A Series of Comedy Errors?

That's...getting there.

- (winces) Ow.
- There.

- All done.
- Well, what do you think?

Is the world ready for Shakespeare?

(exhales)

(applause)

This...

No, sorry. I still don't get it.

(King Philip sighs)

Any last words?

Yeah. Don't get involved in the ads.

I thought Ian
would have been here, at least.

Now... No.

Hello.

Hello.

(bird caws)

I'm going in.