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1
00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:16,204
(guards chatting)
2
00:01:31,680 --> 00:01:33,409
(cries out)
3
00:01:35,240 --> 00:01:37,083
(guard groans)
4
00:01:39,840 --> 00:01:41,683
(low chatter)
5
00:01:43,760 --> 00:01:45,603
(coin clinking on floor)
6
00:01:59,080 --> 00:02:00,889
GUARD:
Oh . . pow favor.
7
00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:02,001
(strains)
8
00:02:02,480 --> 00:02:03,811
Holy Maria.
9
00:02:03,920 --> 00:02:05,763
(strains)
10
00:02:07,440 --> 00:02:09,363
Please, I...
11
00:02:36,920 --> 00:02:39,810
MAN:
Well, well, well, well.
12
00:02:39,920 --> 00:02:41,763
If it isn't Sir Richard Hawkins.
13
00:02:41,880 --> 00:02:46,488
Thieving English privateer
and pain in the bum hole.
14
00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:48,404
Is that you, Phil?
15
00:02:48,520 --> 00:02:50,682
King Phil...ip.
16
00:02:50,800 --> 00:02:52,564
I thought so.
17
00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:54,648
- You don't mind if l...?
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
18
00:02:54,760 --> 00:02:57,969
- You carry on. Fill your boots.
- That's very decent of you.
19
00:02:58,080 --> 00:03:00,208
Hm-mm-mm.
20
00:03:00,320 --> 00:03:02,971
Love to stop for a portrait,
but er...must dash.
21
00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:06,925
Do look me up if ever
one of your Armadas pans out
22
00:03:07,040 --> 00:03:09,202
and I'll take you out in London.
23
00:03:09,320 --> 00:03:11,971
- My treat.
- I'll be sure to pop it in the diary.
24
00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:17,123
You seem very chipper
for someone being robbed.
25
00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:20,244
No, it's just I'm a...
a little bit excited.
26
00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:23,330
You see, I'm interested to see
how you're gonna get out of this one.
27
00:03:23,440 --> 00:03:24,441
(gasps)
28
00:03:24,560 --> 00:03:26,881
It's a round room, no corners, two exits.
29
00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:29,401
Not exactly holding
all the cards there, Phil.
30
00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:31,921
Have you forgotten
the first rule of espionage?
31
00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:34,926
No. Always hide in plain sight.
32
00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:37,771
(singsong voice):
Mr Hawkins.
33
00:03:40,400 --> 00:03:42,323
Oh, bugger.
34
00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:45,561
GUARD:
Take him.
35
00:03:47,120 --> 00:03:48,963
Get him up!
36
00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:54,251
I sail under the sovereign protection
of Queen Elizabeth
37
00:03:54,360 --> 00:03:56,442
and she will not stand for this!
38
00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:00,243
Good.
39
00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:07,643
I'm counting on it.
40
00:04:13,360 --> 00:04:14,566
(horse whinnies)
41
00:04:14,680 --> 00:04:17,570
- Make way!
- (panicked cries)
42
00:04:17,680 --> 00:04:19,330
Make way!
43
00:04:19,440 --> 00:04:20,566
Aaargh!
44
00:04:21,080 --> 00:04:23,048
(yells);
Make Way!
45
00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:27,443
I don't suppose you could...?
46
00:04:27,560 --> 00:04:28,846
He's gone.
47
00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:31,323
Make way!
48
00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:34,450
Letter for Her Majesty.
49
00:04:36,840 --> 00:04:38,410
Where is she?
50
00:04:38,520 --> 00:04:41,922
- Undressing. What is it?
- King Philip ll of Spain.
51
00:04:42,360 --> 00:04:43,407
It would seem...
52
00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:46,485
"he's captured Sir Richard.
53
00:04:46,600 --> 00:04:47,601
(gasps)
54
00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:49,609
QUEEN ELIZABETH:
Hawkins?
55
00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:53,091
I agree, Your Majesty,
56
00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:55,931
Hawkins is a most valuable asset
57
00:04:56,040 --> 00:05:00,329
and we all want him back out there
robbing the Spanishes.
58
00:05:00,440 --> 00:05:04,161
But diplomacy is our only option.
59
00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:06,961
- A summit with King Philip.
LADIES-IN-WAITING: Ooh!
60
00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:10,084
As your father, King Henry, always said,
61
00:05:10,200 --> 00:05:14,330
"Keep your friends close
and your enemies closer."
62
00:05:15,320 --> 00:05:17,561
And a lot of stuff about women
that I never really...
63
00:05:17,680 --> 00:05:19,569
- Will there be dancing?
- What about a joust?
64
00:05:19,680 --> 00:05:21,125
- Kiss chase.
- Sex wrestling.
65
00:05:21,240 --> 00:05:23,846
- Perhaps a nice play.
- I hardly think we need to...
66
00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:25,883
QUEEN ELIZABETH:
Wait.
67
00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:29,686
Who saidma play?
68
00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:54,404
BOY:
I'll get you!
69
00:05:55,880 --> 00:05:57,723
(boys laughing)
70
00:06:08,040 --> 00:06:10,441
WOMAN:
Bill! Bill!
71
00:06:12,520 --> 00:06:15,524
- What?
- Your friends are here.
72
00:06:18,520 --> 00:06:20,363
MAN: Ladies and gentlemen,
73
00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:23,290
gently to hear, kindly to judge,
74
00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:25,687
we aremMoflal Coil.
75
00:06:26,760 --> 00:06:28,524
(lively tune)
76
00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:51,441
(Plays solo)
77
00:06:57,360 --> 00:06:59,249
(continues solo)
78
00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:12,243
- It's not you.
- It is you.
79
00:07:12,880 --> 00:07:14,644
It is you.
80
00:07:14,760 --> 00:07:16,489
Maybe you're destined
for something different.
81
00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:17,806
Like what?
82
00:07:17,920 --> 00:07:19,684
- Erm...
- Er...
83
00:07:20,320 --> 00:07:22,891
- Cooking.
- Anyway, we'd better...
84
00:07:23,920 --> 00:07:25,251
"shuffle off.
85
00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:27,406
Sorry, Bill.
86
00:07:29,520 --> 00:07:31,124
Sorry, Bill.
87
00:07:35,480 --> 00:07:37,323
I thought his name was Phil.
88
00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:47,003
I knew something like this
was gonna happen.
89
00:07:47,760 --> 00:07:50,445
- Talent jealousy.
- You'll get over that.
90
00:07:50,920 --> 00:07:52,126
Not me. Them.
91
00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:54,648
Well, I will call in
at the butcher's tomorrow
92
00:07:54,760 --> 00:07:56,967
and see if he still needs someone
in the afternoons.
93
00:07:57,080 --> 00:07:59,048
Whoa, Anne.
94
00:07:59,160 --> 00:08:01,845
I'm not gonna go
and work in some butcher's.
95
00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:05,282
But you said if things didn't work out
with the band, you'd get a proper job.
96
00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:06,765
- You promised.
- I know.
97
00:08:06,880 --> 00:08:08,723
And I have.
98
00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:12,482
I've written a great work for the stage.
99
00:08:13,760 --> 00:08:15,364
- What?
- I'm a writer now.
100
00:08:15,480 --> 00:08:16,970
- Oh, my God.
- What?
101
00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:19,401
(sighs) Bill, you're not a writer.
102
00:08:19,920 --> 00:08:22,685
- What's this, then? Scottish mist?
- Scotch mist.
103
00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:24,882
This is why you're not a writer.
104
00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:27,241
Oh! It's just another fad, Bill.
105
00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:30,807
Just like the acting, the band,
the interpretive dance.
106
00:08:30,920 --> 00:08:33,526
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No. This is different.
107
00:08:33,920 --> 00:08:36,571
It's like the words flow through me.
108
00:08:37,040 --> 00:08:39,327
Like I'm the east and they're the sun.
109
00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:42,329
- Well, not that, but...
- Bill...
110
00:08:42,440 --> 00:08:46,001
Writing scripts isn't a job,
not in Stratford.
111
00:08:46,120 --> 00:08:48,521
You need theatres and patrons and...
112
00:08:50,920 --> 00:08:52,490
- No.
- Just think about it.
113
00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:55,524
There is no way
that you are moving our entire family
114
00:08:55,640 --> 00:08:58,723
- down to that bloody London!
- ..a talented young writer in London.
115
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:02,122
You wanna go to London? You go to London.
116
00:09:02,680 --> 00:09:04,409
But me and the kids
are not going with you.
117
00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:07,364
You're 30 years old.
It's time you grew up.
118
00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:10,689
- What, and give up my dreams?
- They're just dreams.
119
00:09:12,440 --> 00:09:14,124
Oh!
120
00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:19,087
Well...we'll see who the dreamer is,
sweetheart
121
00:09:19,720 --> 00:09:22,929
That London is not gonna know
what hit it.
122
00:09:23,560 --> 00:09:26,291
People will remember the name
Shakespeare...
123
00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:28,964
...20 years from now!
124
00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:54,683
To each their dreams.
125
00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:21,565
- Earl of Essex.
- Of course, sir.
126
00:10:21,680 --> 00:10:23,523
- Earl of Essex!
GATEKEEPER: Earl of Essex!
127
00:10:23,640 --> 00:10:25,005
- Oxford.
- Of course, sir.
128
00:10:25,120 --> 00:10:26,929
- Earl of Oxford!
- Earl of O!
129
00:10:27,040 --> 00:10:28,371
- Croydon.
- Of course, sir.
130
00:10:28,480 --> 00:10:30,960
Straight out the front gate,
down the road towards Penge.
131
00:10:31,080 --> 00:10:33,162
Now, you need to veer left
when you hit a stream.
132
00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:37,609
No, I don't want to go to Croydon.
I am Croydon.
133
00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:39,609
The Earl of Croydon.
134
00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:41,210
- Barry.
- Yeah?
135
00:10:41,320 --> 00:10:43,402
- You got a Croydon down there?
- I was here yesterday.
136
00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:46,410
- All right.
- Er... Got a Chester.
137
00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:47,726
Cornwall?
138
00:10:47,840 --> 00:10:49,842
- Got a Crawley.
- Yes, that's me.
139
00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:53,442
- But you just said Croydon.
- There is no Earl of Crawley.
140
00:10:53,560 --> 00:10:55,608
That's me. Your list is wrong.
141
00:10:55,720 --> 00:10:58,564
We've gotta go by the list, sir.
A lot of Catholics about, you see.
142
00:10:58,680 --> 00:11:00,603
You can't just let anybody in.
143
00:11:01,600 --> 00:11:03,011
But he just...
144
00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:07,250
Ah. Southampton, would you
please tell these idiots who I am?
145
00:11:07,360 --> 00:11:10,125
- Yes, Crawley, isn't it?
- (chuckles)
146
00:11:10,240 --> 00:11:12,163
- Earl of Crawley.
- Curly Wurly.
147
00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:20,891
So no jokes at all as such.
We go out and do funny observations.
148
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,523
I'd stick to the juggling.
149
00:11:26,480 --> 00:11:29,290
I pulled his finger.
Turned out he had dysentery.
150
00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:30,606
(raucous laughter)
151
00:11:30,720 --> 00:11:31,721
Ha, ha, ha.
152
00:11:31,840 --> 00:11:34,411
- Anyone seen a spare chair or...?
- Drake, darling.
153
00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:37,091
Are you still harping on
about your little pleasure cruise?
154
00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:39,885
OTHERS: Oooh!
- Oooh-hoo-hoo-hoo!
155
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:43,288
You're still burning your way through
all your daddy's hard-earned money?
156
00:11:43,400 --> 00:11:45,721
- (laughter)
- Oooh-hoo-hoo!
157
00:11:45,840 --> 00:11:48,605
I'm trying, love.
Investing in the ans now.
158
00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:50,165
It's like pouring it down a privy.
159
00:11:50,280 --> 00:11:52,089
(guffaws)
160
00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:55,524
Oh, and have you erm...?
161
00:11:55,640 --> 00:11:59,008
Oh, yes. Three tankards of mead and
just a bowl of those crispy pork things.
162
00:11:59,120 --> 00:12:00,884
- I'm the Earl of Croy...
- Now, get this.
163
00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:02,968
- Go on, the one about the sailor.
- Oh!
164
00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:06,721
Now, this... I warn you, you'll have
to mark this one "Not safe for work."
165
00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:08,604
- (laughter)
- No, seriously.
166
00:12:08,720 --> 00:12:11,530
He calls it an apartment,
but it's just a hut with...
167
00:12:11,640 --> 00:12:13,563
- Hang on.
- (lively tune from palace)
168
00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:18,289
I love this one.
169
00:12:19,880 --> 00:12:22,201
(laughter and chatter)
170
00:12:26,920 --> 00:12:29,366
Is it true as well that
during the battle of the Armada
171
00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:31,244
they slept between two and five pm?
172
00:12:31,360 --> 00:12:33,966
Yeah, mostly. We'd stop fighting
and they'd go and have a lie down
173
00:12:34,080 --> 00:12:35,730
or go and chuck dads at a board.
174
00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:37,330
Hey, where's our drinks?
175
00:12:37,440 --> 00:12:40,284
- Where are our drinks?
- I am the Earl of Croydon.
176
00:12:40,400 --> 00:12:43,165
I fetch drinks for no man.
177
00:12:43,280 --> 00:12:44,645
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
178
00:12:44,760 --> 00:12:46,569
(laughter)
179
00:12:46,680 --> 00:12:49,729
- Here's your tip.
- Oh. "Ha-ha-ha!"
180
00:12:49,840 --> 00:12:51,251
Oh, hilarious.
181
00:12:51,360 --> 00:12:53,010
It's a jesters' convention.
182
00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:57,011
"Ooh, I sailed around the world.
Look at me, everyone. Ooh!"
183
00:12:57,120 --> 00:12:59,122
You're no better than me!
184
00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:02,765
- I do stuff.
- Like what, exactly?
185
00:13:02,880 --> 00:13:05,724
Well, I do...er...
186
00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:09,963
--iuggling_
187
00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:13,203
Fire eating.
188
00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:16,731
Ah! I'm a prostitu...
189
00:13:16,840 --> 00:13:18,683
No, sir.
190
00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:24,405
Writering.
191
00:13:24,520 --> 00:13:26,443
Writering? Writering.
192
00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:29,488
I am a writer.
193
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:32,171
- No, you're not, darling.
- How dare you!
194
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:37,485
I'm the finest writer in all of England!
195
00:13:37,600 --> 00:13:39,523
Are you, now?
196
00:13:41,640 --> 00:13:42,801
Who is it?
197
00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:48,328
Indeed I am, Your Majesty.
198
00:13:48,440 --> 00:13:50,363
Why, how very fortuitous, Lord...
199
00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:53,769
Ooh, I want to say Crawley.
200
00:13:53,880 --> 00:13:57,441
Croydon, Your Majesty.
The Earl of Croydon.
201
00:13:58,080 --> 00:14:00,003
Crawley is down towards Horsham.
202
00:14:00,120 --> 00:14:02,088
Croydon is...um...
203
00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:04,568
Do you know Penge at all?
204
00:14:04,680 --> 00:14:06,523
I don't care.
205
00:14:06,640 --> 00:14:12,044
There is to be a diplomatic summit
with our beloved cousin,
206
00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:14,686
King Philip ll of Spain.
207
00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:17,406
ALL: King Philip ll of Spain.
- Spain.
208
00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:20,085
(mumbles):
Sorry.
209
00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:24,171
And what better centrepiece
to this fine event...
210
00:14:24,920 --> 00:14:29,687
...than a demonstration
of our great nation's...
211
00:14:30,760 --> 00:14:33,331
...utter dominance in the ads?
212
00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:40,120
A play penned by
one of my very own counters.
213
00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:45,041
And we shall be most pleased
to hear this play of yours.
214
00:14:45,440 --> 00:14:50,685
Because you know what happens
if we're displeased.
215
00:14:51,880 --> 00:14:53,689
(exhales)
216
00:14:53,800 --> 00:14:56,690
- Sorry, you do know what happens if...
- Yep. Yes, yeah.
217
00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:00,883
Oh, no, that's gone.
218
00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:17,123
(ladies gasp)
219
00:15:20,680 --> 00:15:22,967
(ladies gasp and cry out)
220
00:15:23,080 --> 00:15:24,411
Si.
221
00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:31,009
(ladies gasp)
222
00:15:31,120 --> 00:15:32,645
Ooh!
223
00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:42,364
What is the score, Your Majesty?
224
00:15:43,880 --> 00:15:45,928
- Juice.
- (ladies coo)
225
00:15:48,520 --> 00:15:51,490
Your Majesty,
there is a messenger here to see you.
226
00:15:51,600 --> 00:15:53,602
From England.
227
00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:57,008
"To His Majesty King Philip ll of Spain."
228
00:15:57,120 --> 00:15:58,201
That's me.
229
00:15:58,360 --> 00:16:02,684
"Queen Elizabeth cordially invites you
to diplomatic talks in London
230
00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:08,045
to discuss the capture of her most
loyal subject, Sir Richard Hawkins."
231
00:16:08,680 --> 00:16:10,603
Actually, I just need to...
232
00:16:13,280 --> 00:16:15,203
I told you she would take the bait.
233
00:16:15,360 --> 00:16:18,762
The rabbit is in the snare.
234
00:16:24,280 --> 00:16:26,123
Your Majesty...
235
00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:29,201
...the specialists you requested.
236
00:16:29,360 --> 00:16:31,203
Oh, yes. Talk to me.
237
00:16:31,360 --> 00:16:33,283
Lope Lopez, Your Majesty.
238
00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:35,883
Master of inquisition.
239
00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:40,448
It's for making people talk.
240
00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:46,602
Juan Domingo, Your Majesty.
241
00:16:46,720 --> 00:16:50,361
Espionage. . and weapon-w.
242
00:16:51,560 --> 00:16:53,403
- (cries out)
- (shocked cries)
243
00:16:54,760 --> 00:16:58,048
- Nice.
- Actually, I was aiming for the pillar.
244
00:16:59,240 --> 00:17:01,163
Sweaty hands. (clears his throat)
245
00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:04,846
And...where's the other one?
246
00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:07,008
Gabriel Montoya, Your Majesty.
247
00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:09,330
Master of disguise.
248
00:17:10,480 --> 00:17:13,609
If you need a milkmaid, Washerwomen
or female fisherman,
249
00:17:13,720 --> 00:17:15,961
I am YOUT woman - man.
250
00:17:17,080 --> 00:17:18,764
(whispers):
Man.
251
00:17:20,680 --> 00:17:22,011
OK.
252
00:17:22,120 --> 00:17:24,043
We have been presented with a...
253
00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:28,281
- Why are you here again?
- Sorry. Um...
254
00:17:29,560 --> 00:17:32,040
I just need to take food orders
for the banquet.
255
00:17:32,160 --> 00:17:34,640
Just so we've got some rough numbers
on the mains.
256
00:17:34,760 --> 00:17:36,569
Whatever is fine. I don't care.
257
00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:39,445
Er...l can't eat shellfish.
258
00:17:39,560 --> 00:17:41,449
- What?
- Well, prawns are fine.
259
00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:44,848
But...l have to avoid the bivalves.
260
00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:46,849
What... What, what?
261
00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:49,167
Bivalves. You know, er...mussels,
262
00:17:49,280 --> 00:17:51,601
scallops, oysters and...
263
00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:55,486
Oh, what is the one
which er...stick out of the sand?
264
00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:57,250
- Razor clams.
- Razor clam!
265
00:17:57,360 --> 00:17:58,691
Ai, ai, ai.
266
00:17:58,800 --> 00:18:00,290
And I can't do nuts.
267
00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:02,687
If I even eat a small, itty-bitty nut,
268
00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:05,531
my throat, it expands,
it swells like a man's thing.
269
00:18:05,640 --> 00:18:07,642
- And langoustine.
- You had that thing with...
270
00:18:07,760 --> 00:18:10,809
- No one's gonna force you to eat nuts.
- OK, you know what? Whatever.
271
00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:13,446
- Oh...
- Just go now.
272
00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:16,851
Seriously?
273
00:18:19,480 --> 00:18:23,610
We have been presented
with a unique opportunity
274
00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:26,724
to rid the world of this Protestant cow,
275
00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:29,446
to strike from within her royal court
276
00:18:30,240 --> 00:18:33,289
This is our Trojan horse.
277
00:18:34,360 --> 00:18:36,681
It doesn't look like a horse.
278
00:18:36,800 --> 00:18:40,247
Well, it's not an actual horse.
You know, it's a...a metaphor.
279
00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:41,811
(chuckles) Read a book.
280
00:18:43,120 --> 00:18:46,408
It's a hiding place from which
a secret attack can be sprung.
281
00:18:47,640 --> 00:18:51,042
Gentlemen,
who would like to kill a queen?
282
00:18:51,160 --> 00:18:53,288
ALL: Yes!
- Yes, please!
283
00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:55,243
Yes!
284
00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:01,483
Yes!
285
00:19:02,840 --> 00:19:04,683
(knife clatters)
286
00:19:05,240 --> 00:19:07,083
(grunts)
287
00:19:08,640 --> 00:19:10,290
OK, what is this? Some kind of veneer?
288
00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:13,324
You need a softer wood,
like a balsa, something like that.
289
00:19:13,440 --> 00:19:15,283
- Or do the chair.
- Stick it in the chair maybe.
290
00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:17,323
- Try the chair.
- You'll ruin the chair.
291
00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:31,003
You been before?
292
00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:35,681
- No, first time.
- Oooh.
293
00:19:36,320 --> 00:19:38,243
It's nice. You'll like it.
294
00:19:39,800 --> 00:19:43,327
- Don't steal anything.
- Yeah.
295
00:19:49,360 --> 00:19:51,249
(chatter)
296
00:19:53,240 --> 00:19:55,846
BOY: Wait for me.
2ND BOY: This way.
297
00:19:55,960 --> 00:19:57,803
- Here!
- Tom!
298
00:20:01,920 --> 00:20:03,763
London.
299
00:20:08,600 --> 00:20:10,841
(women chatting)
300
00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:36,844
- Yeah, well, it's mostly pork.
- Right.
301
00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:40,043
- When you say mostly pork, what"?
- Well, mostly pork and other stuff.
302
00:20:40,560 --> 00:20:42,562
- It doesn't matter. It's only for him.
- Yeah.
303
00:20:42,680 --> 00:20:44,170
Right.
304
00:21:05,840 --> 00:21:08,286
EARL OF CROYDON:
Ian!
305
00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:11,364
Ian!
306
00:21:12,240 --> 00:21:13,480
MY LOFd. (squeals)
307
00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:15,443
Why did you let me get drunk?
308
00:21:15,560 --> 00:21:17,164
- I wasn't there.
- Exactly.
309
00:21:17,320 --> 00:21:19,288
Look what happened.
310
00:21:19,400 --> 00:21:21,084
Now I have to write this incredible play
311
00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:24,044
or some power-crazed lunatic's
going to chop my head off.
312
00:21:24,160 --> 00:21:26,970
- Well, repofl him to the Queen.
- I'm talking about the Queen.
313
00:21:28,640 --> 00:21:31,246
And stop leaving me
multiple chamber pots.
314
00:21:31,720 --> 00:21:33,290
It's very confusing.
315
00:21:33,440 --> 00:21:35,488
Sun... (sighs)
316
00:21:35,600 --> 00:21:37,887
I suppose writing a play
can't be that hard, can it?
317
00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:39,968
I mean, it's just...
318
00:21:40,080 --> 00:21:43,129
talking, isn't it, but...written down.
319
00:21:43,240 --> 00:21:44,366
(sniffs)
320
00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:46,403
"Hello. I'm a man in a play."
321
00:21:46,520 --> 00:21:48,761
"Hello. I'm a woman in a play."
322
00:21:48,880 --> 00:21:51,486
Oh, this is easy.
323
00:21:51,600 --> 00:21:53,125
- Ian?
324
00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:55,163
Go out and fetch me paper and quills.
325
00:21:55,320 --> 00:21:59,291
I'm going to put Croydon on the map.
326
00:22:13,560 --> 00:22:15,449
Good day to you, sir.
327
00:22:15,560 --> 00:22:17,608
I am a dramatist from a distant vale
328
00:22:17,720 --> 00:22:20,644
who comes to London
seeking fame and fortune.
329
00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:22,762
Would you be so kind
as to point me in the direction
330
00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:24,644
of the city's most reputable theatre?
331
00:22:25,320 --> 00:22:26,606
Ha.
332
00:22:26,720 --> 00:22:29,087
(laughs)
333
00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:30,964
(coughs)
334
00:22:31,080 --> 00:22:33,003
The theatres are closed, my friend.
335
00:22:33,640 --> 00:22:35,881
Plague. It's killing the ads.
336
00:22:36,000 --> 00:22:38,287
And people. I heard.
337
00:22:38,840 --> 00:22:41,161
It's taken my play.
It might as well have its audience.
338
00:22:41,320 --> 00:22:42,526
You're a writer?
339
00:22:42,640 --> 00:22:44,290
I'm a writer too.
340
00:22:44,920 --> 00:22:46,763
(stool scrapes on floor)
341
00:22:49,320 --> 00:22:51,721
Shakespeare. Bill Shakespeare.
342
00:22:51,840 --> 00:22:52,921
Christopher Marlowe.
343
00:22:53,040 --> 00:22:54,804
So, what son of stuff
do you write, Chris?
344
00:22:54,920 --> 00:22:57,844
Drama, tragedies,
tales of betrayal and revenge.
345
00:22:58,360 --> 00:23:00,010
Frailties of the human condition.
346
00:23:00,400 --> 00:23:02,448
- You?
- Bum jokes.
347
00:23:03,040 --> 00:23:05,361
People hit by sticks. Comedy.
348
00:23:06,320 --> 00:23:08,243
- Comedy?
- You know, like erm...
349
00:23:09,160 --> 00:23:10,525
(snares)
350
00:23:10,640 --> 00:23:12,483
I see your mum's in.
351
00:23:12,600 --> 00:23:13,886
That's not my mother.
352
00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:16,606
- That's not what your sister told me.
- (coughing)
353
00:23:19,120 --> 00:23:21,726
- That's a man.
- That's what makes it funny.
354
00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:25,324
- You're not from London, are you, Bill?
- No, Stratford.
355
00:23:26,040 --> 00:23:28,691
Just came down here to try
and get this baby into a theatre or...
356
00:23:28,800 --> 00:23:30,962
Look, I'm the most
successful playwright in London
357
00:23:31,080 --> 00:23:33,890
and I can't even buy a house
without borrowing money.
358
00:23:34,720 --> 00:23:36,370
I mean, imagine that.
359
00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:38,729
If I can't make a living from the theatre,
360
00:23:38,840 --> 00:23:41,525
I hardly see the works of Shakespeare
taking the world by storm.
361
00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:44,363
I see.
362
00:23:45,240 --> 00:23:49,131
- Do you act?
- Well, I've...trodded the boards.
363
00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:52,803
I'm thinking about going for this thing.
364
00:23:52,920 --> 00:23:54,763
It's not much, but it's money.
365
00:23:56,040 --> 00:23:58,646
It's a two-hander, so...
if you wanna come along...
366
00:23:59,320 --> 00:24:00,481
Thank you.
367
00:24:02,560 --> 00:24:05,131
Don't thank me.
368
00:24:05,240 --> 00:24:07,607
Thank your mother who is dead.
369
00:24:08,800 --> 00:24:12,247
- What?
- Not like that, then?
370
00:24:13,160 --> 00:24:16,448
Oh, no. No, never like that.
371
00:24:17,800 --> 00:24:20,280
Right. Interesting.
372
00:24:23,320 --> 00:24:27,041
- So, this thing, is it a meaty role?
- (clears throat)
373
00:24:27,160 --> 00:24:28,366
Not exactly.
374
00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:30,448
- Vegetables!
- Vegetables.
375
00:24:31,120 --> 00:24:33,600
Madam, why not try some vegetables
with your meat?
376
00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:38,402
Try some vegetables? They're really
good for you. And they help you poo.
377
00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:39,806
Get 'em right down.
378
00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:43,843
Are you cold?
379
00:24:44,960 --> 00:24:46,610
I'm cold.
380
00:24:51,000 --> 00:24:53,048
- (squeals)
- Sssh.
381
00:24:53,160 --> 00:24:57,404
- Walsingham. I thought you were dead.
- No, just in deep cover.
382
00:24:58,760 --> 00:25:01,240
- But it was an open casket.
- Yeah, it was very deep.
383
00:25:02,200 --> 00:25:05,807
Listen, Molly...
I need some information.
384
00:25:06,920 --> 00:25:09,002
Is it true, about this summit?
385
00:25:09,120 --> 00:25:11,043
Oh, yes, here at the palace on the 7th.
386
00:25:11,800 --> 00:25:14,201
- I hear the Spanish are hunky.
- Well, you hear wrong!
387
00:25:14,320 --> 00:25:18,211
Catholics can't put on muscle mass
because God hates them.
388
00:25:18,320 --> 00:25:22,530
They've no muscle and no backbone,
like snakes.
389
00:25:23,160 --> 00:25:25,367
Surely snakes are all backbone. No?
390
00:25:26,080 --> 00:25:28,765
- Well, like worms, then.
- Oh, no, worms are all muscle.
391
00:25:28,880 --> 00:25:33,522
- Someone knows a lot about Catholics.
- No, no, just...garden creatures.
392
00:25:35,160 --> 00:25:37,481
Hm... One can't be too careful, Molly.
393
00:25:38,160 --> 00:25:39,446
They're everywhere, you know.
394
00:25:39,560 --> 00:25:44,441
The Catholic threat may be sleeping now,
but it will soon awaken like a...
395
00:25:46,680 --> 00:25:48,648
- Bear?
- Yes.
396
00:25:48,760 --> 00:25:50,125
Good.
397
00:25:50,240 --> 00:25:52,925
Like a non-muscular, spineless bear!
398
00:25:53,040 --> 00:25:54,565
(squeals)
399
00:25:55,440 --> 00:25:59,081
- Uh... False alarm.
- So we're safe, then?
400
00:26:00,040 --> 00:26:01,530
Safe? Ha!
401
00:26:01,640 --> 00:26:03,768
If the Catholics
are so weak and spineless...
402
00:26:03,880 --> 00:26:05,962
What they lack in muscular,
skeletal integrity,
403
00:26:06,080 --> 00:26:08,447
they more than make up for in cunning.
404
00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:12,640
They'll be hatching plots as we speak.
405
00:26:12,760 --> 00:26:14,410
Well, should I tell the old...
406
00:26:14,520 --> 00:26:16,443
- Majesty?
- No.
407
00:26:16,840 --> 00:26:19,525
I will be her eyes and ears and mouth.
408
00:26:20,200 --> 00:26:21,611
No, not mouth.
409
00:26:21,720 --> 00:26:27,011
Just tell her Sir Francis Walsingham
is back and I remain, as always,
410
00:26:27,120 --> 00:26:29,248
her most faithful servant.
411
00:26:35,120 --> 00:26:36,849
- (fads)
- (plop)
412
00:26:47,320 --> 00:26:49,004
KING PHILIP:
We are close. Disguises on.
413
00:26:54,880 --> 00:26:56,530
- Boss.
- What is it?
414
00:26:56,640 --> 00:26:58,051
I don't understand.
415
00:26:58,160 --> 00:27:03,326
If you have been invited to England, why
do we have to sneak ashore like this?
416
00:27:05,040 --> 00:27:07,202
Because, Juan, one:
417
00:27:07,320 --> 00:27:10,051
the invitation was for me
and my closest advisors,
418
00:27:10,160 --> 00:27:12,128
not a group of trained assassins.
419
00:27:12,680 --> 00:27:14,444
They were very clear about that.
420
00:27:14,560 --> 00:27:17,325
And two, Juan:
an assassination like this,
421
00:27:17,440 --> 00:27:19,761
it takes time and planning.
422
00:27:20,560 --> 00:27:22,722
People don't just kill themselves.
423
00:27:23,960 --> 00:27:25,883
My cousin did.
424
00:27:36,040 --> 00:27:37,883
(laughs)
425
00:27:39,640 --> 00:27:42,007
Sleep well this night, dear Queen.
426
00:27:42,320 --> 00:27:44,846
Soon this land shall be mine.
427
00:27:48,120 --> 00:27:49,451
(spits)
428
00:27:49,560 --> 00:27:52,040
Boss, I have some bad news.
429
00:27:55,680 --> 00:27:57,523
We forgot the horse.
430
00:28:01,520 --> 00:28:03,568
Gentlemen, good evening.
431
00:28:05,000 --> 00:28:07,401
And welcome...to England.
432
00:28:07,720 --> 00:28:11,805
If you'd just like to follow me up to
Customs, we'll get you checked in, OK?
433
00:28:14,160 --> 00:28:17,084
You land us here? I said clandestine.
434
00:28:22,600 --> 00:28:24,762
I don't know what that means.
435
00:28:25,960 --> 00:28:29,362
One donkey, straw, made thereof.
436
00:28:30,640 --> 00:28:33,405
All...righty, Richard.
437
00:28:33,520 --> 00:28:38,367
If you'd like to shimmy that one along
and pop the next one sur la table.
438
00:28:39,080 --> 00:28:42,004
Strapping lads,
like my sons would have been.
439
00:28:42,120 --> 00:28:43,849
The plague.
440
00:28:43,960 --> 00:28:46,247
Let's have a look.
What have we got here?
441
00:28:51,680 --> 00:28:54,251
OK. Ours is not to judge prior...
442
00:28:56,480 --> 00:28:58,369
What's this?
443
00:28:58,480 --> 00:29:01,086
- It's for making peo...
- Gazpacho.
444
00:29:01,200 --> 00:29:04,966
It's for making gazpacho.
It's a...cold soup.
445
00:29:05,520 --> 00:29:07,522
It's very nice.
446
00:29:07,640 --> 00:29:09,449
(whirrs)
447
00:29:09,560 --> 00:29:11,608
(rattling, squeak)
448
00:29:16,880 --> 00:29:20,248
Well, everything seems to be in order.
Enjoy your stay.
449
00:29:22,880 --> 00:29:24,803
Psst. Sir.
450
00:29:29,520 --> 00:29:31,727
- King Philip ll of Spain?
- Yes.
451
00:29:33,160 --> 00:29:35,970
Oh. Very clever.
452
00:29:41,240 --> 00:29:43,083
(shouting)
453
00:29:45,320 --> 00:29:47,163
(gulls cry)
454
00:29:59,880 --> 00:30:02,645
- Morning.
- Walsingham.
455
00:30:04,320 --> 00:30:07,529
- I thought you were dead.
- Don't believe everything you read.
456
00:30:07,640 --> 00:30:09,608
- I can't read.
- Good.
457
00:30:10,800 --> 00:30:12,643
- Any survivors?
- No, sir.
458
00:30:12,880 --> 00:30:14,962
Whoever it was did a thorough job.
459
00:30:16,360 --> 00:30:17,771
(sniffs)
460
00:30:18,600 --> 00:30:21,490
We did get one of theirs, sir.
No idea who they are.
461
00:30:28,600 --> 00:30:30,443
Catholics.
462
00:30:30,760 --> 00:30:32,285
The game is afoot.
463
00:30:32,480 --> 00:30:34,323
(bell tolls)
464
00:30:34,680 --> 00:30:36,603
- This is heavy.
- (chatter)
465
00:30:38,600 --> 00:30:40,682
Wait. That might be our man.
466
00:30:50,920 --> 00:30:54,925
The weather in London is
unseasonably cold for this time of year.
467
00:30:55,600 --> 00:31:00,561
But the mynah bird must wait until winter
before its song can be heard.
468
00:31:02,080 --> 00:31:03,844
What the hell does that mean?
469
00:31:04,560 --> 00:31:07,166
Honestly, you try and start
a conversation with someone...
470
00:31:10,320 --> 00:31:14,370
The weather in London is
unseasonably cold for the time of year.
471
00:31:14,480 --> 00:31:17,484
- Are you the secret Catholic contact?
- Er... Yes.
472
00:31:17,600 --> 00:31:18,681
No. Um...
473
00:31:19,880 --> 00:31:22,087
- Yes.
- OK, let's go.
474
00:31:22,240 --> 00:31:24,561
- Right, yes. This way, Your Majesty.
- Come.
475
00:31:25,800 --> 00:31:27,245
Ow.
476
00:31:37,920 --> 00:31:39,809
You're kidding, right?
477
00:31:39,920 --> 00:31:42,400
This is the biggest
Protestant church in England.
478
00:31:42,520 --> 00:31:46,161
Last place you'd look for
a Catholic hideout, Your Majesty, yes.
479
00:31:47,040 --> 00:31:49,168
- Hide in plain sight.
- Ha-ha.
480
00:31:49,960 --> 00:31:52,930
Yes, I like this guy. He's got cojones.
481
00:31:59,960 --> 00:32:02,361
Come along, come along. This way.
482
00:32:02,480 --> 00:32:04,403
- Sorry. Sssh.
- (overlapping chatter)
483
00:32:08,560 --> 00:32:10,403
Over here.
484
00:32:20,400 --> 00:32:22,448
(scraping and clanking)
485
00:32:27,240 --> 00:32:29,083
(squeaking)
486
00:32:30,760 --> 00:32:33,366
Your Majesty,
I think you'll find everything you need.
487
00:32:45,240 --> 00:32:46,685
Jesus Christ.
488
00:32:46,800 --> 00:32:48,131
(low chatter stops)
489
00:32:48,240 --> 00:32:49,810
Sorry.
490
00:32:50,640 --> 00:32:52,130
BILL: My sweet angel.
491
00:32:52,240 --> 00:32:53,730
Greetings from that London.
492
00:32:54,400 --> 00:32:57,961
I am delighted to report
that despite your slight doubts,
493
00:32:58,080 --> 00:33:00,811
my dreams of success
are coming to fruition.
494
00:33:01,320 --> 00:33:04,130
Sorry. Trousers stolen in the night.
495
00:33:05,440 --> 00:33:07,169
Very much not my fault.
496
00:33:07,560 --> 00:33:10,166
I have secured a challenging role
performing daily
497
00:33:10,320 --> 00:33:12,368
with renowned dramatist
Christopher Marlowe.
498
00:33:12,920 --> 00:33:15,764
I greatly regret the terms
on which we parted
499
00:33:15,880 --> 00:33:17,564
and look forward to your reply,
500
00:33:17,680 --> 00:33:20,206
as reading it would provide
a welcome distraction
501
00:33:20,320 --> 00:33:23,881
from my tireless schedule
of rehearsals, performances and...
502
00:33:24,000 --> 00:33:25,843
Oh, no.
503
00:33:26,840 --> 00:33:28,763
CHILDREN:
Daddy!
504
00:33:29,560 --> 00:33:32,370
- Daddy!
' Hey, guys!
505
00:33:32,480 --> 00:33:34,005
(laughs):
WOW!
506
00:33:34,120 --> 00:33:38,205
- Wh... What are you doing here?
- I brought the kids to see Daddy.
507
00:33:38,320 --> 00:33:41,608
- And what's Daddy dressed as?
CHILDREN: A tomato.
508
00:33:41,720 --> 00:33:42,846
Mm-hm.
509
00:33:42,960 --> 00:33:45,247
And can we think of any plays
that a tomato might be in?
510
00:33:46,520 --> 00:33:48,966
- Gosh, well, there's...
- Look, kids.
511
00:33:49,080 --> 00:33:52,402
- A human statue.
- No, he's...dead.
512
00:33:53,520 --> 00:33:55,887
Oh, look. A juggler.
Go and have a look. Go on.
513
00:33:57,000 --> 00:33:59,480
- Wow.
- So this is it, is it?
514
00:34:00,120 --> 00:34:05,081
- This is your big, challenging role?
- OK, I admit I'm not on the stage yet.
515
00:34:05,240 --> 00:34:06,730
But I'm making inroads.
516
00:34:06,840 --> 00:34:09,889
If I work really hard,
I could be the next Christopher Marlowe.
517
00:34:11,160 --> 00:34:12,889
Oh, this is Christopher Marlowe.
518
00:34:13,000 --> 00:34:15,162
Chris, Anne. Anne, Chris.
519
00:34:15,320 --> 00:34:17,971
- Hello.
- I'm staying with Aunt Jane.
520
00:34:18,480 --> 00:34:20,482
Have them back by three.
521
00:34:20,600 --> 00:34:23,251
Anne, please, give me a chance.
522
00:34:23,760 --> 00:34:27,162
CROYDON:
Enter our hero. Let's call him Hero.
523
00:34:27,840 --> 00:34:29,683
Erm... Blah, blah, blah...
524
00:34:29,800 --> 00:34:32,690
Oh, God. Writing's hard.
525
00:34:39,880 --> 00:34:42,247
That poor sexy woman.
526
00:34:48,760 --> 00:34:49,966
(scraping)
527
00:34:50,080 --> 00:34:51,923
(laughter)
528
00:34:52,480 --> 00:34:54,528
Hello, my dear.
529
00:34:54,640 --> 00:34:55,846
Going somewhere?
530
00:34:55,960 --> 00:34:57,724
(they laugh)
531
00:34:57,840 --> 00:34:59,569
Here, look. Ring and ting.
532
00:34:59,680 --> 00:35:03,810
- Get away from me!
- Unhand that beautiful woman, sir!
533
00:35:05,560 --> 00:35:07,722
What's the matter with you? Cowards?
534
00:35:08,360 --> 00:35:09,885
Get him.
535
00:35:11,200 --> 00:35:13,168
- (they laugh)
- Yeah.
536
00:35:14,120 --> 00:35:16,043
(they laugh)
537
00:35:16,520 --> 00:35:18,443
- (they cry out)
ANNE: Aaaah!
538
00:35:22,320 --> 00:35:23,606
(knife clatters)
539
00:35:23,720 --> 00:35:25,370
Oh.
540
00:35:25,480 --> 00:35:27,323
Bit embarrassing.
541
00:35:27,880 --> 00:35:29,928
(whimpers)
542
00:35:35,520 --> 00:35:37,045
Let that be a lesson to you.
543
00:35:38,920 --> 00:35:41,048
Good God. Are you all right?
544
00:35:41,160 --> 00:35:43,845
It's quite hard to tell.
I mean, it's deep, but it hasn't gone...
545
00:35:43,960 --> 00:35:45,689
- Oh, right.
- Thank you.
546
00:35:45,800 --> 00:35:48,963
Quickly. Poor people are easily startled,
but they'll soon be back.
547
00:35:49,640 --> 00:35:51,563
And in greater numbers. Come.
548
00:35:52,320 --> 00:35:53,731
Aaargh!
549
00:35:54,560 --> 00:35:57,291
- Don't dawdle, Ian.
- I'll be right with you.
550
00:35:58,000 --> 00:35:59,684
(groans) He's had lunch.
551
00:36:00,200 --> 00:36:01,565
And I take his throat out. Nnnyh!
552
00:36:01,680 --> 00:36:03,762
And the blood is...
553
00:36:03,880 --> 00:36:07,009
It's everywhere. It's on the walls,
it's on the architraves, on the rugs.
554
00:36:07,120 --> 00:36:08,770
And the Queen, she tries to get away,
555
00:36:08,880 --> 00:36:11,451
but she can't run because
she's slipping in all of the blood.
556
00:36:11,560 --> 00:36:14,564
So I grab her by the hair
and I pull her round to look at me
557
00:36:14,680 --> 00:36:17,286
and I say, "Knock, knock! Lope's here!"
558
00:36:17,400 --> 00:36:19,687
And she's like, "Oh, no!"
And I go, "Shut up!"
559
00:36:19,800 --> 00:36:22,929
And I put my thumbs
right into her eyes and when I let go,
560
00:36:23,040 --> 00:36:25,327
the eyes, they plop out
and drop down onto the cheeks.
561
00:36:25,440 --> 00:36:28,489
And so I pick up the eyes
and I look at them with my eyes and I go,
562
00:36:28,600 --> 00:36:32,571
"Ahh! Do you like that, lady, huh?
Do you like that?"
563
00:36:38,320 --> 00:36:40,129
- OK.
- Yeah.
564
00:36:43,240 --> 00:36:45,527
Thank you for that, Lope. It's very nice.
565
00:36:46,520 --> 00:36:50,002
- Let's call that plan J. Hm?
- Plan J.
566
00:36:50,120 --> 00:36:51,804
OK.
567
00:36:54,920 --> 00:36:56,843
Sorry. Do you want to...?
568
00:36:56,960 --> 00:36:58,883
- Oh.
- Hm.
569
00:36:59,960 --> 00:37:03,931
The problem with it is, because of
the unfortunate incident on the beach...
570
00:37:04,360 --> 00:37:06,647
the authorities are now on high alert
571
00:37:07,080 --> 00:37:12,883
The issue is now not how we kill the Queen
but getting close enough to do it.
572
00:37:13,360 --> 00:37:14,646
Boss, I have an idea.
573
00:37:14,760 --> 00:37:17,001
Does it involve you dressing up as a lady?
574
00:37:18,240 --> 00:37:20,607
- Well, yes.
- OK, any other ideas in the room?
575
00:37:20,720 --> 00:37:22,131
No, no, please, please.
576
00:37:22,240 --> 00:37:23,890
Listen.
577
00:37:24,000 --> 00:37:27,766
We need to find a way to get us all inside
the palace without raising suspicion.
578
00:37:29,360 --> 00:37:31,010
The play's the thing.
579
00:37:33,000 --> 00:37:34,843
Yes, that's it.
580
00:37:36,160 --> 00:37:38,003
(murmuring)
581
00:37:41,200 --> 00:37:44,363
We must find this Earl of Croydon...
582
00:37:44,960 --> 00:37:48,521
...for his play is our Trojan horse.
583
00:37:49,240 --> 00:37:50,810
Any questions?
584
00:37:56,320 --> 00:38:00,166
Please come in, relax.
Welcome to my humble abode.
585
00:38:00,320 --> 00:38:03,767
- I really don't think this is necessary.
- No, no, it's no trouble at all.
586
00:38:03,880 --> 00:38:06,645
- You're in deep shock.
- Actually, I don't think I am.
587
00:38:06,760 --> 00:38:08,762
Yeah, that's one of the symptoms.
588
00:38:08,880 --> 00:38:11,929
Ian, would you fetch the lady
some brandy, please?
589
00:38:12,040 --> 00:38:13,929
- Brandy.
- And nibbles. Fetch some nibbles.
590
00:38:14,520 --> 00:38:16,284
Oh.
591
00:38:16,400 --> 00:38:17,686
So...
592
00:38:17,800 --> 00:38:21,850
- Erm... ls there somewhere I could...?
- Oh, yes, of course.
593
00:38:22,320 --> 00:38:24,129
Just up the stairs, second on the left.
594
00:38:26,000 --> 00:38:27,684
(9 FOWI s)
595
00:38:35,480 --> 00:38:36,766
(gasps)
596
00:38:41,320 --> 00:38:43,482
Ian, whoever that is, I'm out!
597
00:38:44,720 --> 00:38:46,927
Gentlemen. How may I...
598
00:38:47,040 --> 00:38:48,087
Right.
599
00:38:48,200 --> 00:38:50,680
Seriously, Lope,
what is wrong with you? Hm?
600
00:38:51,120 --> 00:38:53,441
- What?
- Is this about your dad?
601
00:38:56,280 --> 00:38:58,328
- Ian, who was it?
- Some handsome men.
602
00:39:02,080 --> 00:39:04,048
Who the hell are you?
603
00:39:05,080 --> 00:39:08,243
(gasps) King Philip ll of Spain.
604
00:39:08,360 --> 00:39:09,850
(cries out) Oh.
605
00:39:10,680 --> 00:39:12,330
Oh, God. Not now.
606
00:39:17,200 --> 00:39:19,202
- Anyway, how are you?
- Don't worry.
607
00:39:19,800 --> 00:39:22,167
If I wanted to kill you,
you'd be dead already.
608
00:39:22,280 --> 00:39:24,886
What is this, some son of Catholic plot?
609
00:39:25,000 --> 00:39:27,606
(laughter)
610
00:39:27,720 --> 00:39:30,007
- A Catholic plot?
- (laughter continues)
611
00:39:31,320 --> 00:39:34,085
No, no, no. I assure you,
there is no conspiracy here.
612
00:39:34,200 --> 00:39:38,250
No, no, no. It's just that things
between me and your beautiful Queen...
613
00:39:38,680 --> 00:39:39,841
(laughter)
614
00:39:42,960 --> 00:39:46,089
"they have been
a little bit...difficult.
615
00:39:46,480 --> 00:39:48,847
So, I was thinking.
616
00:39:49,560 --> 00:39:55,124
How can I demonstrate that our two nations
can work together, in harmony?
617
00:39:57,360 --> 00:39:59,806
A half-and-half flag cake?
618
00:40:01,680 --> 00:40:03,682
It's a cake, obviously.
619
00:40:03,800 --> 00:40:05,928
Half of it looks like the English flag.
620
00:40:06,040 --> 00:40:07,371
- Imagine...
- The other...
621
00:40:07,480 --> 00:40:10,370
"this great play of yours ends.
622
00:40:10,480 --> 00:40:14,610
People are applauding,
they are cheering.
623
00:40:16,320 --> 00:40:18,846
Then you step forward and you say,
624
00:40:18,960 --> 00:40:21,122
"Your Majesty, surprise.
625
00:40:21,240 --> 00:40:23,925
'This play has been a collaboration
with our Spanish friends."
626
00:40:24,760 --> 00:40:27,127
She cries. She hugs you.
627
00:40:27,960 --> 00:40:30,167
She gives you Devon.
628
00:40:31,120 --> 00:40:33,646
- I do like Devon.
- Who doesn't?
629
00:40:34,320 --> 00:40:39,690
Together...we shall put on a play
that will go down in history...
630
00:40:40,240 --> 00:40:43,130
- Wait a minute. Is this it?
- Yeah, well, it's not quite finished.
631
00:40:43,800 --> 00:40:46,087
Not quite finished?
It's, what, three pages?
632
00:40:46,200 --> 00:40:48,282
It's been a bit of a struggle
if I'm honest.
633
00:40:48,400 --> 00:40:50,880
You're telling me.
"Hello. I'm a man in a play."
634
00:40:51,000 --> 00:40:52,525
"I am a woman also in a play."
635
00:40:52,680 --> 00:40:55,968
- Talk about clunky exposition.
- Well, what do you expect me to do?
636
00:40:56,080 --> 00:40:59,289
Stumble across some unsuspecting
young writer with a completed play,
637
00:40:59,400 --> 00:41:01,767
hoodwink him, steal his work
and pass it off as my own?
638
00:41:01,880 --> 00:41:04,850
Oh. I'm sorry.
I didn't realise you had visitors.
639
00:41:04,960 --> 00:41:06,530
Oh, Anne,
640
00:41:06,680 --> 00:41:08,682
this is erm...
641
00:41:09,240 --> 00:41:12,642
- Geoff...Smith.
- Yes.
642
00:41:13,280 --> 00:41:17,046
A theatrical impresario.
And these are the...
643
00:41:18,880 --> 00:41:21,531
...Cockney Players of Bow.
644
00:41:22,280 --> 00:41:24,282
- All right?
- London Town.
645
00:41:24,400 --> 00:41:25,731
Down the rub-a-dub.
646
00:41:25,840 --> 00:41:28,320
You see,
I'm putting on a play for the Queen.
647
00:41:28,440 --> 00:41:30,681
If you can find one, mate.
648
00:41:30,800 --> 00:41:32,882
(laughter)
649
00:41:33,000 --> 00:41:35,367
- I'll find one, mate.
- Well, you better had.
650
00:41:35,480 --> 00:41:37,403
(laughter)
651
00:41:37,840 --> 00:41:39,842
My husband's written a play.
652
00:41:45,800 --> 00:41:48,371
Can you spare a moment
to talk about vegetables at all?
653
00:41:48,480 --> 00:41:50,209
- No.
- They're really good for you and...
654
00:41:50,320 --> 00:41:52,243
Hey. What are you doing?
655
00:41:53,240 --> 00:41:54,480
This is a meat market, mate.
656
00:41:54,600 --> 00:41:57,809
This is our patch,
not some son of vegetable pa...
657
00:41:59,000 --> 00:42:00,445
Surely there's room enough for...
658
00:42:00,560 --> 00:42:02,528
There some son of problem here,
Lesfie?
659
00:42:02,680 --> 00:42:05,206
No, no. No problem.
660
00:42:05,680 --> 00:42:08,490
Just a salad that needs addressing.
661
00:42:08,960 --> 00:42:10,291
Ups-a-daisy.
662
00:42:10,400 --> 00:42:13,051
Here, you can't just walk around
pushing people about.
663
00:42:13,480 --> 00:42:14,891
What, like that?
664
00:42:15,000 --> 00:42:17,048
(laughs)
665
00:42:17,160 --> 00:42:19,527
Take your veg and stick it!
666
00:42:20,280 --> 00:42:21,850
- All right.
- Sorry, mate.
667
00:42:21,960 --> 00:42:23,928
Had a bad day. Fancy a spot of lunch?
668
00:42:24,040 --> 00:42:25,724
We'll get something light.
669
00:42:28,000 --> 00:42:29,889
Phil Shakespeare?
670
00:42:37,240 --> 00:42:39,083
WOMAN:
Bring out your dead!
671
00:42:39,520 --> 00:42:40,806
Marlowe.
672
00:42:42,920 --> 00:42:45,002
- Bring out your dead!
- (flies buzzing)
673
00:42:46,680 --> 00:42:47,761
Who's dead?
674
00:42:52,120 --> 00:42:53,770
(gasps)
675
00:42:54,440 --> 00:42:55,441
Walsingham.
676
00:42:55,560 --> 00:42:58,609
- I thought you were dead.
- I'm as alive as the next man.
677
00:43:00,080 --> 00:43:02,321
Just...hiding in plain sight.
678
00:43:03,360 --> 00:43:04,850
In these troubled times, a truly...
679
00:43:08,160 --> 00:43:11,050
- It's a pretty good yield.
- Yeah, it's been a good day today.
680
00:43:11,720 --> 00:43:14,451
- Any more dead?
- Anyway, down to business.
681
00:43:14,560 --> 00:43:16,528
I need some information.
682
00:43:16,680 --> 00:43:20,401
No, I'm out of the spying game,
I told you. I'm now a credible artiste.
683
00:43:21,920 --> 00:43:24,400
There's been a dip in writing work.
684
00:43:25,560 --> 00:43:27,927
- The cucumber's for the dip.
- Makes sense.
685
00:43:28,360 --> 00:43:32,570
Well, spy or no spy, I would ask you
to keep your ear to the ground
686
00:43:32,680 --> 00:43:34,967
for any signs of a Catholic plot.
687
00:43:35,080 --> 00:43:36,844
- Well, like what?
- Well, I don't know.
688
00:43:36,960 --> 00:43:41,727
Er... Priest holes, candles,
massive Marys...
689
00:43:42,520 --> 00:43:44,124
...big pictures of the Pope.
690
00:43:44,240 --> 00:43:46,288
If you see anything,
you can contact me
691
00:43:46,400 --> 00:43:48,607
through the pie stall in the marketplace.
692
00:43:49,160 --> 00:43:53,404
Until next time, then,
I'll bid you...adieu.
693
00:43:59,160 --> 00:44:01,162
- Your Majesty.
- Hm.
694
00:44:01,280 --> 00:44:02,964
BILL:
Familiarise yourself with this.
695
00:44:03,080 --> 00:44:04,889
- "Thou shalt be king."
BILL: Don't be nervous.
696
00:44:05,000 --> 00:44:06,889
- (they rehearse lines)
- Same for you, Mick.
697
00:44:07,000 --> 00:44:09,844
- I have lady pads.
- Erm...
698
00:44:11,560 --> 00:44:14,723
- I have the lady pads?
- Oh, yes, I see.
699
00:44:14,840 --> 00:44:17,002
Erm... Yeah,
you're playing both female roles.
700
00:44:18,360 --> 00:44:23,127
OK! Suit the action to the word
and the word to the action.
701
00:44:23,600 --> 00:44:27,207
Oh, and speak the speech
as I pronounced it to you,
702
00:44:27,320 --> 00:44:30,927
because some of you
have slightly weird accents.
703
00:44:31,440 --> 00:44:34,728
(attempts Cockney accent):
All-day breakfast. Fish and chips.
704
00:44:36,560 --> 00:44:38,244
Good. Well...
705
00:44:38,920 --> 00:44:41,127
Best of luck, guys. Break a leg.
706
00:44:41,840 --> 00:44:43,171
No problem.
707
00:44:43,920 --> 00:44:45,763
- Nibbles?
- No.
708
00:44:46,280 --> 00:44:52,049
BILL: Presenting a bold new work
for the stage by Bill Shakespeare.
709
00:45:06,120 --> 00:45:07,201
(lively intro)
710
00:45:07,320 --> 00:45:08,685
# Two men who look the same
711
00:45:08,800 --> 00:45:10,450
# But have a different aim
712
00:45:10,560 --> 00:45:13,723
# It's a series of funny misunderstandings
713
00:45:14,280 --> 00:45:17,409
# Two twins each with a lover
# Who mistake each for the other
714
00:45:17,520 --> 00:45:20,842
# Somehow fall into the service
of a mad king
715
00:45:20,960 --> 00:45:22,530
# Take this letter
# Wait, there's two
716
00:45:22,680 --> 00:45:24,250
# And they mix up which goes to who
717
00:45:24,840 --> 00:45:27,889
# The comic complications keep expanding
718
00:45:28,000 --> 00:45:31,368
# In a tale so confused
You can't help but be amused
719
00:45:31,480 --> 00:45:34,768
# By this series
of funny misunderstandings
720
00:45:40,200 --> 00:45:41,770
# A jilted bride
# That's not funny
721
00:45:41,880 --> 00:45:43,564
- Pretend she died?
- On the money!
722
00:45:43,680 --> 00:45:46,331
# And her poisoned body's
hidden by a monk
723
00:45:47,000 --> 00:45:50,288
# Until a fool who's quite smart
# He's a fool, that's a start
724
00:45:50,400 --> 00:45:53,051
# Says: This monk is nuts
# And locks him in a trunk
725
00:45:54,400 --> 00:45:57,529
# And his servant, make him thick
Then hit him with a stick
726
00:45:57,680 --> 00:46:01,162
# It's a series of funny misunderstandings
727
00:46:02,920 --> 00:46:06,367
# Cue a mixed-up wedding blessing
# Further vexed by more cross-dressing
728
00:46:06,480 --> 00:46:09,165
# Which goes on to heal
two families at war
729
00:46:09,880 --> 00:46:13,043
# When the bride they thought was dead
comes back with a donkey's head
730
00:46:13,160 --> 00:46:15,481
# But marries anyway because her groom
731
00:46:15,600 --> 00:46:20,606
# Has been drugged by a whore!
732
00:46:21,680 --> 00:46:24,126
# Add a priest, add a lion,
add a wrangle over money
733
00:46:24,240 --> 00:46:25,810
# It's too much
# I'm confused
734
00:46:25,920 --> 00:46:27,285
# Yes, that's what makes it funny
735
00:46:27,400 --> 00:46:28,970
# Severed heads, star-crossed lovers
736
00:46:29,080 --> 00:46:30,491
# English kings, evil mothers
737
00:46:30,600 --> 00:46:33,843
# With a big happy ending
notwithstanding
738
00:46:34,320 --> 00:46:37,642
# We think you'll agree
this has turned out to be
739
00:46:37,760 --> 00:46:39,808
# A series of
740
00:46:39,920 --> 00:46:48,442
# Funny misunderstandings!
741
00:46:50,400 --> 00:46:52,209
(panting)
742
00:46:52,880 --> 00:46:54,769
Oh, God, I'm dead.
743
00:46:56,040 --> 00:46:57,883
(door closes)
744
00:46:58,960 --> 00:47:00,883
(low chatter and laughter)
745
00:47:01,560 --> 00:47:03,483
I heard about the play.
746
00:47:08,480 --> 00:47:10,448
Sorry, mate.
747
00:47:14,880 --> 00:47:16,803
Why are you dressed as a sausage?
748
00:47:17,480 --> 00:47:20,245
I got turned.
Playing for the other team now.
749
00:47:21,120 --> 00:47:23,202
Well, if they need a spare rib,
put a word in.
750
00:47:24,400 --> 00:47:27,244
- Looks like I need a change of career.
- Oh, come on, Bill.
751
00:47:29,200 --> 00:47:30,440
I'm sure it's not all that bad.
752
00:47:30,560 --> 00:47:34,645
You know, sometimes these things,
they seem worse than they actually...are.
753
00:47:34,760 --> 00:47:37,604
Oh, no. Why would you...?
754
00:47:40,200 --> 00:47:42,931
Where's all the...?
What the hell's that?
755
00:47:43,800 --> 00:47:45,928
Dance moves.
756
00:47:49,920 --> 00:47:52,127
I'm not a writer, am I?
757
00:47:53,680 --> 00:47:55,364
Just a fad.
758
00:47:57,760 --> 00:48:01,446
Right, first things first -
write what you know.
759
00:48:03,000 --> 00:48:04,161
OK?
760
00:48:05,040 --> 00:48:06,883
Well, get a quill.
761
00:48:09,600 --> 00:48:11,443
And ales.
762
00:48:15,040 --> 00:48:18,487
You've just got to take in everything
around you. Take in all your surroundings.
763
00:48:24,400 --> 00:48:26,323
(soundtrack over dialogue)
764
00:48:58,040 --> 00:48:59,963
' Yes!
' Yes!
765
00:49:18,200 --> 00:49:20,089
- Ow!
- This is not a library.
766
00:49:21,480 --> 00:49:24,006
His Lordship sent me
for Mr Shakespeare's play.
767
00:49:24,120 --> 00:49:27,090
- Oh, well, there you go.
- I'll deal with this.
768
00:49:27,680 --> 00:49:32,288
Mr Shakespeare works for coin,
which I don't see any...of.
769
00:49:32,720 --> 00:49:35,326
His Lordship said he'd pay
Mr Shakespeare when he saw him next.
770
00:49:35,440 --> 00:49:38,364
Don't give me that old chuff.
You know how this works.
771
00:49:38,480 --> 00:49:40,801
- No money, no funny.
- All right.
772
00:49:41,400 --> 00:49:43,641
Don't stab the messenger...please.
773
00:49:43,760 --> 00:49:46,445
You tell Mr Croydon that Mr Shakespeare
will meet him tonight.
774
00:49:46,880 --> 00:49:49,531
Somewhere neutral.
The Bull's Inn, Deptford.
775
00:49:49,680 --> 00:49:52,650
It's quite safe. He brings the money,
he gets the script.
776
00:49:52,760 --> 00:49:54,444
- I'll tell him.
- Good.
777
00:49:54,840 --> 00:49:57,650
And I'll tell your mum...who isn't here.
778
00:50:01,160 --> 00:50:03,322
- Needs work.
- Yeah, it does, doesn't it?
779
00:50:04,720 --> 00:50:06,722
You'll be fine. Just stick to your guns.
780
00:50:06,840 --> 00:50:08,365
50 pounds, not a farthing less.
781
00:50:08,480 --> 00:50:10,289
- Got it.
- Bill.
782
00:50:11,960 --> 00:50:14,327
- I think you've got something.
- What, from the river?
783
00:50:14,440 --> 00:50:16,522
No. I mean...
784
00:50:16,680 --> 00:50:17,886
talent.
785
00:50:18,000 --> 00:50:20,890
It's a little rough, sure,
but...it's there.
786
00:50:22,000 --> 00:50:24,048
So, I am a writer?
787
00:50:24,160 --> 00:50:26,606
Not yet. This...
788
00:50:27,680 --> 00:50:28,761
...I can teach you.
789
00:50:28,880 --> 00:50:30,803
Only you can find this.
790
00:50:31,680 --> 00:50:32,806
A nipple?
791
00:50:33,680 --> 00:50:35,603
We'll work on it.
792
00:50:38,680 --> 00:50:39,966
Thanks, Chris.
793
00:50:40,080 --> 00:50:41,923
(chuckling)
794
00:50:44,080 --> 00:50:45,684
Thanks.
795
00:50:51,880 --> 00:50:53,689
Bill, you forgot the play!
796
00:50:53,800 --> 00:50:55,643
Sorry. I...
797
00:50:56,160 --> 00:50:57,286
Oh, no.
798
00:51:03,200 --> 00:51:06,841
Christopher Marlowe.
How nice to see you again.
799
00:51:06,960 --> 00:51:12,649
It would seem your world
has been turned upside down.
800
00:51:12,760 --> 00:51:16,082
Which is funny,
because you are the wrong way up.
801
00:51:16,200 --> 00:51:21,047
Look, I know
I missed a few payments, but...
802
00:51:21,160 --> 00:51:22,286
Ssssh'.!
803
00:51:22,400 --> 00:51:24,323
Honestly, you writers.
804
00:51:24,440 --> 00:51:26,681
BOTH:
You are all the same.
805
00:51:26,800 --> 00:51:29,929
We lend you money to buy little house.
806
00:51:30,040 --> 00:51:33,761
You now have little house.
You pay back money.
807
00:51:33,880 --> 00:51:35,166
Absolutely, and I will.
808
00:51:35,280 --> 00:51:38,489
Overdue payments may result
in increased interest rates,
809
00:51:38,600 --> 00:51:43,527
recovery action and forfeiture
of life and limb/limbs.
810
00:51:43,680 --> 00:51:45,444
Terms and conditions apply.
811
00:51:45,560 --> 00:51:47,847
- Small print?
- Not really.
812
00:51:48,320 --> 00:51:50,721
Although, admittedly, it is in Russian.
813
00:51:52,120 --> 00:51:56,762
Perhaps we were not clear
what happens to people who are late twice.
814
00:51:59,160 --> 00:52:01,970
This is a late customer.
815
00:52:03,120 --> 00:52:06,090
- Urgh!
- Which is funny because he is dead.
816
00:52:07,880 --> 00:52:11,362
In order to avoid
further inconvenience,
817
00:52:12,000 --> 00:52:14,924
we now require you to pay full amount.
818
00:52:15,680 --> 00:52:19,321
50 English cash pounds
by this time tomorrow.
819
00:52:19,440 --> 00:52:23,604
50? Where the hell
am I supposed to find 50...pounds?
820
00:52:24,480 --> 00:52:29,646
50 pounds by tomorrow.
Or we have to buy another trunk.
821
00:52:49,480 --> 00:52:51,403
Ooh. Got you these.
822
00:52:53,680 --> 00:52:55,808
Some son of rose. I forget the name.
823
00:52:59,800 --> 00:53:01,325
I've got news.
824
00:53:04,440 --> 00:53:06,363
- (she giggles)
- Keep them closed.
825
00:53:08,880 --> 00:53:10,848
OK?
826
00:53:10,960 --> 00:53:12,803
Open them.
827
00:53:16,760 --> 00:53:19,161
- I've sold my play.
- Wow.
828
00:53:19,280 --> 00:53:20,645
To an earl.
829
00:53:20,760 --> 00:53:22,888
Earl of Croydon.
830
00:53:23,000 --> 00:53:25,207
- It's near Penge.
- Penge, yeah.
831
00:53:25,320 --> 00:53:28,369
And they're putting it on for the Queen.
Not here. At the palace.
832
00:53:28,480 --> 00:53:30,130
This was just, you know...
833
00:53:31,120 --> 00:53:33,043
- For the drama.
- Yeah.
834
00:53:33,160 --> 00:53:35,128
But it's good, Anne.
835
00:53:35,600 --> 00:53:37,807
- Imagine it.
- Where...?
836
00:53:40,800 --> 00:53:43,087
(laughs) Get down from there.
837
00:53:43,200 --> 00:53:48,331
The Rose Theatre is delighted
to present a play by Bill Shakespeare!
838
00:53:48,920 --> 00:53:50,763
(laughs)
839
00:54:00,280 --> 00:54:01,964
Listen.
840
00:54:02,080 --> 00:54:05,880
I know I haven't
always made things...easy.
841
00:54:08,040 --> 00:54:10,327
But it really feels like
things are looking up for me.
842
00:54:11,600 --> 00:54:13,443
For us.
843
00:54:17,760 --> 00:54:19,603
And you said I'd never make it.
844
00:54:20,440 --> 00:54:23,171
- What?
- "Go and be a butcher," you said.
845
00:54:24,160 --> 00:54:27,289
"Don't go to London," you said.
Well, look at me now.
846
00:54:27,920 --> 00:54:30,400
Hang on a minute.
I've always supported you.
847
00:54:30,520 --> 00:54:32,284
Well, yes and no.
848
00:54:32,400 --> 00:54:35,165
- I mean, up to a point, but...
- Up to a point?
849
00:54:35,280 --> 00:54:38,443
Well, let's face it, here I am, in London,
850
00:54:38,560 --> 00:54:42,087
about to perform my play for the Queen.
851
00:54:42,840 --> 00:54:44,410
And who's that down to?
852
00:54:45,800 --> 00:54:47,689
Yours truly.
853
00:54:47,800 --> 00:54:50,326
Number 1A, Me Avenue.
854
00:54:51,920 --> 00:54:55,606
- It was me, you idiot.
- What?
855
00:54:55,720 --> 00:54:58,291
- I told Croydon about your play.
- What? When?
856
00:54:58,400 --> 00:55:00,971
- The other day, at his house.
- At his house, were you?
857
00:55:01,080 --> 00:55:03,367
- Not like that. He picked me up.
- Did he, now?
858
00:55:03,480 --> 00:55:06,689
- I was trying to help you.
- Well, I don't need your help.
859
00:55:06,800 --> 00:55:10,407
Well, that's a bit of luck, isn't it?
Because you're not gonna get it again.
860
00:55:10,520 --> 00:55:12,807
- I'm going back to Stratford.
- Fine.
861
00:55:15,560 --> 00:55:18,291
One day you'll realise what you just lost.
862
00:55:18,400 --> 00:55:20,243
I hope it was all worth it.
863
00:55:22,120 --> 00:55:26,603
No, one day you'll realise what you lost,
when I'm up here.
864
00:55:30,520 --> 00:55:32,204
When I'm up here.
865
00:55:32,320 --> 00:55:34,163
(applause)
866
00:55:35,320 --> 00:55:36,845
(thunder rumbles)
867
00:56:05,680 --> 00:56:07,284
Saying things in a shod, snappy way
868
00:56:07,400 --> 00:56:10,927
instead of a long, drawn-out way
is the soul of wit.
869
00:56:18,200 --> 00:56:20,328
Ooh. Someone's been in the wars.
870
00:56:20,840 --> 00:56:22,524
Yes, I...
871
00:56:23,920 --> 00:56:26,651
- What are you doing in a pie?
- It's a disguise.
872
00:56:26,760 --> 00:56:29,923
Or one might say a dis-pies.
873
00:56:30,520 --> 00:56:32,204
Now, that works in three ways.
874
00:56:32,320 --> 00:56:34,926
One, it's a disguise.
Two, the disguise is pies.
875
00:56:35,040 --> 00:56:37,520
And three, it's got
the word "spies" in it, so...
876
00:56:38,120 --> 00:56:39,610
- It's very clever.
- Mm.
877
00:56:39,720 --> 00:56:41,609
What did you want?
878
00:56:41,720 --> 00:56:46,169
- Well, you know Catholic plots?
- Does the Pope wear a silly hat?
879
00:56:48,560 --> 00:56:49,925
I think I may have found one.
880
00:56:51,960 --> 00:56:54,691
MARLOWE: He rents a room
above The Quill and Rapier.
881
00:56:55,400 --> 00:56:57,641
Well, you'll see for yourself.
882
00:56:58,200 --> 00:57:01,329
He's turned it into
some sort of Catholic shrine.
883
00:57:03,840 --> 00:57:05,205
What them?
884
00:57:10,400 --> 00:57:11,686
I'm being framed.
885
00:57:11,800 --> 00:57:13,643
MEN: Left, right, left...
- Come on, lads.
886
00:57:16,480 --> 00:57:18,403
- Chris?
- (banging on door)
887
00:57:19,040 --> 00:57:20,326
MEN:
Left, right, left...
888
00:57:23,120 --> 00:57:25,122
Mr Shakespeare, I presume.
889
00:57:25,360 --> 00:57:28,762
You, my friend,
are going straight to he... Aargh!
890
00:57:28,880 --> 00:57:31,360
- (groans)
MEN: Left, right, left, right...
891
00:57:31,480 --> 00:57:33,642
After him, you fools!
892
00:57:38,800 --> 00:57:40,484
(clucking)
893
00:57:46,840 --> 00:57:48,888
(overlapping chatter)
894
00:57:49,000 --> 00:57:52,368
Right!
Can everyone please stop arriving?
895
00:58:09,720 --> 00:58:12,007
- Where's the money?
- Where's Shakespeare?
896
00:58:13,960 --> 00:58:17,169
He's...tied up. I'm...his agent.
897
00:58:23,360 --> 00:58:25,203
Play first.
898
00:58:38,120 --> 00:58:40,043
What the hell's this?
899
00:58:40,920 --> 00:58:43,048
Your change, sir.
900
00:58:44,480 --> 00:58:46,562
- (Squelch)
' Urgh! Aargh!
901
00:58:46,720 --> 00:58:48,802
A pleasure doing business with you.
902
00:58:48,920 --> 00:58:49,967
Why?
903
00:58:50,080 --> 00:58:52,321
Er... Cheaper.
904
00:58:55,080 --> 00:58:56,161
(gasps)
905
00:58:56,280 --> 00:58:58,760
- King Philip ll of Spain.
- Sssh.
906
00:58:59,400 --> 00:59:01,846
- (groans)
- It's a secret, you see.
907
00:59:03,000 --> 00:59:05,401
This play you have
kindly provided me with...
908
00:59:06,520 --> 00:59:10,161
...I'm going to use it to kill the Queen.
909
00:59:12,120 --> 00:59:14,646
A Catholic plot. You fiend!
910
00:59:14,760 --> 00:59:16,444
Don't be like that.
911
00:59:16,560 --> 00:59:18,164
Oh, don't take it out. Don't take it out.
912
00:59:18,320 --> 00:59:21,130
It won't hurt if I do it quickly.
It's a bit like erm...
913
00:59:21,720 --> 00:59:23,051
Do you do your eyebrows?
914
00:59:23,160 --> 00:59:25,242
- No.
- OK. Well, it's a little bit like that.
915
00:59:25,640 --> 00:59:27,529
- (dagger pulled out)
- Aargh!
916
00:59:27,640 --> 00:59:29,688
(laughter)
917
00:59:31,840 --> 00:59:33,683
Bill...
918
00:59:42,200 --> 00:59:44,248
- Chris, I'm gonna kill you!
- (groans)
919
00:59:46,080 --> 00:59:48,003
Join the club, mate.
920
00:59:48,640 --> 00:59:51,166
- Oh, my God.
- No, it's a scratch. It's just a scratch.
921
00:59:51,280 --> 00:59:53,203
It's nothing.
922
00:59:54,040 --> 00:59:55,963
Actually, that is quite bad, isn't it?
923
01:00:00,400 --> 01:00:02,243
Chris?
924
01:00:03,200 --> 01:00:05,362
I betrayed you.
925
01:00:05,480 --> 01:00:07,642
I needed the play, the money.
926
01:00:08,520 --> 01:00:11,000
- I'm in terrible debt.
- This was over a debt?
927
01:00:11,120 --> 01:00:13,805
No, no. This wasmCatholics.
928
01:00:14,720 --> 01:00:16,529
- Catholics?
- Croydon's company.
929
01:00:16,640 --> 01:00:18,722
- They're Spanish agents.
- The Cockney Players?
930
01:00:18,840 --> 01:00:20,171
- But they're from Bow.
- No.
931
01:00:20,280 --> 01:00:24,126
Mark me, they plan to use our play
to somehow kill the Queen.
932
01:00:25,240 --> 01:00:27,720
You must go to the pie stall
in the marketplace.
933
01:00:29,120 --> 01:00:31,202
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doing?
934
01:00:31,320 --> 01:00:33,402
Oh, sorry. Did you want that?
935
01:00:33,520 --> 01:00:34,931
Want it? He isn't dead.
936
01:00:35,040 --> 01:00:37,805
Well, not quite. But I knock off in five,
and realistically...
937
01:00:37,920 --> 01:00:39,285
Go away!
938
01:00:45,440 --> 01:00:48,171
Right, you see her? Well, your mum...
939
01:00:48,280 --> 01:00:51,090
- For God's sake, not now, Chris.
- Yes, yes, the plot.
940
01:00:51,960 --> 01:00:53,883
You must find Walsingham.
941
01:00:54,440 --> 01:00:58,240
Go to the pie stall in the marketplace
and say these code words.
942
01:00:58,360 --> 01:01:02,445
Saying things in a shod, snappy way...
soul of wit.
943
01:01:04,360 --> 01:01:06,169
You mean "brevity".
944
01:01:06,280 --> 01:01:08,123
Er... Yeah.
945
01:01:08,240 --> 01:01:10,163
But say it my way.
946
01:01:10,480 --> 01:01:13,165
And Walsingham
will deal with the Spanish.
947
01:01:14,800 --> 01:01:16,848
Avenge me, my friend...
948
01:01:16,960 --> 01:01:19,725
for now I go...and it is done.
949
01:01:21,520 --> 01:01:23,568
The bell invites me.
950
01:01:29,760 --> 01:01:31,250
One more thing.
951
01:01:31,360 --> 01:01:35,206
The...the script I gave them, it's...
952
01:01:37,920 --> 01:01:39,763
It...
953
01:01:45,440 --> 01:01:47,442
So wise, so young...
954
01:01:48,200 --> 01:01:50,123
they say do never live long.
955
01:01:57,240 --> 01:01:58,844
Seriously?
956
01:02:00,920 --> 01:02:04,891
- (laughs)
- Well, Your Majesty, we have our play.
957
01:02:05,920 --> 01:02:07,160
Cheers.
958
01:02:07,280 --> 01:02:09,203
We'll stop for nibbles.
959
01:02:10,320 --> 01:02:12,004
Yes, I don't want to worry you,
960
01:02:12,120 --> 01:02:14,487
but this reads a lot
like a Russian loan agreement.
961
01:02:16,000 --> 01:02:17,764
Why, that double-crossing little...
962
01:02:17,880 --> 01:02:19,928
Furs!
963
01:02:20,040 --> 01:02:23,089
Get your lovely furs!
964
01:02:24,720 --> 01:02:27,007
High fashion furs!
965
01:02:28,240 --> 01:02:30,083
High fashion...
966
01:02:32,800 --> 01:02:35,724
Saying things
in a shod, snappy way inst...
967
01:02:37,920 --> 01:02:40,161
- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.
968
01:02:43,440 --> 01:02:45,283
King Philip ll of Spain.
969
01:02:45,400 --> 01:02:47,004
(9 F0ans)
970
01:02:48,400 --> 01:02:50,801
- Where is the play?
- I don't know.
971
01:02:50,920 --> 01:02:52,410
You'd better tell me...
972
01:02:53,280 --> 01:02:56,284
...or I will let Lope here
loose with his device.
973
01:02:56,920 --> 01:03:00,049
You don't wanna know
where this bit goes.
974
01:03:00,720 --> 01:03:02,643
So, you'd better tell me...
975
01:03:03,440 --> 01:03:07,206
- In your bum.
- Don't actually say it.
976
01:03:07,320 --> 01:03:10,927
Why are you saying it? It's more
dramatic if you don't say it. I... What?
977
01:03:11,040 --> 01:03:12,166
OK.
978
01:03:12,280 --> 01:03:14,442
Listen, as far as I knew,
you had the play.
979
01:03:14,560 --> 01:03:17,803
- I don't know where he's put it.
- Then you will write me a new play.
980
01:03:19,200 --> 01:03:21,771
Without Chris, that's impossible.
981
01:03:21,880 --> 01:03:24,804
Nothing is impossible,
Mr Shakespeare.
982
01:03:24,920 --> 01:03:26,843
Given the proper motivation.
983
01:03:33,200 --> 01:03:35,123
- Anne.
- That's right.
984
01:03:35,640 --> 01:03:37,563
We have Jan.
985
01:03:37,720 --> 01:03:39,449
It's Anne.
986
01:03:39,560 --> 01:03:41,289
Is it? Oh.
987
01:03:41,760 --> 01:03:44,047
- Why?
- Because the Queen needs a play
988
01:03:44,160 --> 01:03:46,766
and I'm not about to let her down.
989
01:03:46,880 --> 01:03:49,281
But he's gonna kill the Queen, you idiot!
990
01:03:49,400 --> 01:03:52,688
I think you mean surprise the Queen.
991
01:03:52,800 --> 01:03:54,962
(chuckles)
992
01:03:55,080 --> 01:03:58,641
- Right?
- Well, it's kind of a surprise.
993
01:04:00,720 --> 01:04:02,722
Oh!
994
01:04:03,760 --> 01:04:05,364
Oh, you villainous snake.
995
01:04:06,440 --> 01:04:08,488
As a loyal peer and patriot,
996
01:04:08,600 --> 01:04:11,251
I would never betray the sovereign power.
997
01:04:11,360 --> 01:04:14,011
- You still get Devon.
- Very much back on board.
998
01:04:14,200 --> 01:04:16,567
So, you write me a new play...
999
01:04:17,560 --> 01:04:20,484
"otherwise, it's "Adiรฉs, sefiora."
1000
01:04:22,000 --> 01:04:24,367
- it's...?
- It's Spanish for "Goodbye, lady."
1001
01:04:24,480 --> 01:04:26,403
It means I'm going to kill her.
1002
01:04:36,000 --> 01:04:39,163
Look, you wrote play before.
Write it again.
1003
01:04:39,280 --> 01:04:40,645
I thought you were playwright.
1004
01:04:40,760 --> 01:04:42,683
Well, you thought wrong.
1005
01:04:43,880 --> 01:04:46,121
I can't do this, not on my own.
1006
01:04:46,240 --> 01:04:48,368
I hope that is not true. For your sake.
1007
01:04:51,440 --> 01:04:53,044
(door closes)
1008
01:04:53,160 --> 01:04:55,003
(exhaling)
1009
01:04:58,240 --> 01:04:59,810
Bill.
1010
01:04:59,920 --> 01:05:01,410
What an thou?
1011
01:05:01,760 --> 01:05:04,127
By heaven I charge thee, speak.
1012
01:05:05,920 --> 01:05:07,001
Hello.
1013
01:05:07,120 --> 01:05:08,963
Erm... Hello.
1014
01:05:10,160 --> 01:05:11,491
You're not here.
1015
01:05:11,640 --> 01:05:14,211
You're just a tired mind
playing tricks.
1016
01:05:14,320 --> 01:05:17,324
I'm a friend when you need one.
Question not my coming.
1017
01:05:18,120 --> 01:05:21,249
So you've come to help me? With the play?
1018
01:05:22,160 --> 01:05:24,003
(laughs)
1019
01:05:25,520 --> 01:05:28,569
I can no more lift a quill
than I can tip this cup.
1020
01:05:30,000 --> 01:05:31,411
(clatters)
1021
01:05:31,520 --> 01:05:33,249
That was a coincidence.
1022
01:05:33,360 --> 01:05:35,283
The point is, I cannot give you help.
1023
01:05:36,480 --> 01:05:38,323
You don't need it.
1024
01:05:39,360 --> 01:05:41,488
I've got nothing here.
1025
01:05:42,800 --> 01:05:45,280
No characters, no story.
1026
01:05:45,400 --> 01:05:48,768
No story?
No story in the time we've shared?
1027
01:05:50,520 --> 01:05:52,921
Of the hand that fate has dealt you
these days past?
1028
01:05:54,720 --> 01:06:00,045
Tales of betrayal, plotting kings,
the death of a friend.
1029
01:06:01,440 --> 01:06:04,330
Such twists and turns
as would shame any fiction.
1030
01:06:08,800 --> 01:06:10,848
Write what you know.
1031
01:06:15,640 --> 01:06:17,483
I can do this.
1032
01:06:18,960 --> 01:06:20,803
I can do this.
1033
01:06:22,440 --> 01:06:24,920
No, no, no. Wait, wait.
That's just the story.
1034
01:06:25,040 --> 01:06:26,963
What of the words?
1035
01:07:11,320 --> 01:07:13,163
(sniffle)
1036
01:07:15,720 --> 01:07:17,563
It's a hit.
1037
01:07:18,640 --> 01:07:20,210
A palpable hit.
1038
01:07:21,720 --> 01:07:23,643
So my wife can go.
1039
01:07:23,880 --> 01:07:26,850
But you haven't finished yet.
I have some notes.
1040
01:07:27,880 --> 01:07:29,882
Number one, we lose this.
1041
01:07:30,000 --> 01:07:31,923
It's your play now.
1042
01:07:32,080 --> 01:07:36,005
And number two,
the end could be a little more...
1043
01:07:36,560 --> 01:07:38,483
How shall I say?
1044
01:07:39,840 --> 01:07:40,921
Explosive.
1045
01:07:41,040 --> 01:07:43,361
OTHERS:
Hooray!
1046
01:07:43,480 --> 01:07:44,641
Sssh .
1047
01:07:45,120 --> 01:07:46,724
(whisper):
Hooray.
1048
01:07:47,480 --> 01:07:49,005
Hm.
1049
01:07:49,720 --> 01:07:52,087
Gather round. So, here's the plan.
1050
01:07:52,560 --> 01:07:56,007
You wit! stack the gunpowder
behind the stage during the first act.
1051
01:07:56,120 --> 01:07:58,851
Juan will then light the fuse
when he hears Ramon -
1052
01:07:58,960 --> 01:08:00,962
who plays witch number three -
say the line:
1053
01:08:01,080 --> 01:08:03,401
Thou shalt be king hereafter.
1054
01:08:03,520 --> 01:08:04,851
Hope you like bombs.
1055
01:08:04,960 --> 01:08:06,485
I shall then make my excuses
1056
01:08:06,600 --> 01:08:08,250
and sneak out
while you exit through the kitchen.
1057
01:08:08,360 --> 01:08:10,249
Gotta go now. Bye.
1058
01:08:10,360 --> 01:08:13,045
And Mr Shakespeare
will be coming with us
1059
01:08:13,160 --> 01:08:16,084
to witness the final act
in his little drama,
1060
01:08:16,200 --> 01:08:19,249
where we will quite literally
bring the house down.
1061
01:08:19,360 --> 01:08:21,169
(King Philip laughs)
1062
01:08:21,280 --> 01:08:23,248
Come on. It's a theatre joke.
1063
01:08:24,680 --> 01:08:27,160
Gentlemen, to the palace!
1064
01:08:28,000 --> 01:08:29,923
OK. Left a bit, John.
1065
01:08:30,040 --> 01:08:32,202
Left. My left!
1066
01:08:32,640 --> 01:08:34,961
Right. And let it go.
1067
01:08:39,440 --> 01:08:40,601
Gemma!
1068
01:08:40,720 --> 01:08:43,007
Big day today, obviously.
1069
01:08:43,120 --> 01:08:46,681
Security level
has been set at dark woad,
1070
01:08:46,800 --> 01:08:49,610
which I believe is this one?
1071
01:08:51,560 --> 01:08:53,722
Erm... Hello? Excuse me?
1072
01:08:54,320 --> 01:08:55,481
Where are you going?
1073
01:08:55,600 --> 01:08:58,809
(Cockney accent): We're the
Cockney Players of Bow, me old plate.
1074
01:08:58,920 --> 01:09:01,241
- Yeah.
- The actors, yes.
1075
01:09:01,360 --> 01:09:04,330
Yeah, I'm looking forward to that.
I used to do a turn myself.
1076
01:09:04,440 --> 01:09:07,364
I don't know if you've ever heard
of The Sticky Players?
1077
01:09:07,480 --> 01:09:09,323
Oh... Magic days.
1078
01:09:09,440 --> 01:09:12,091
Anyway, just follow the path
and you'll get to the front gate.
1079
01:09:12,200 --> 01:09:14,931
Hang on. What are those barrels about?
1080
01:09:15,960 --> 01:09:17,450
ALL:
Er...
1081
01:09:17,560 --> 01:09:20,484
Well, there's a Cockney song,
in't there, mate,
1082
01:09:20,600 --> 01:09:22,602
where we roll 'em out.
1083
01:09:24,800 --> 01:09:28,282
# Roll out the barrels, mate
- (others join in)
1084
01:09:28,400 --> 01:09:31,131
- (muffled cries)
# We'll give you some barrels of fun
1085
01:09:31,920 --> 01:09:34,241
- Yeah, mate.
# Where's he coming from?
1086
01:09:37,240 --> 01:09:39,481
Very good. (clears throat)
Well, off you trot, then.
1087
01:09:41,080 --> 01:09:43,082
(horse whinnies)
1088
01:09:43,200 --> 01:09:45,168
(muffled cries)
1089
01:09:45,280 --> 01:09:46,930
Cheeky.
1090
01:09:47,040 --> 01:09:48,849
Right, drapes. Gemma!
1091
01:09:49,560 --> 01:09:51,403
# fanfare
1092
01:09:59,040 --> 01:10:00,041
Classic.
1093
01:10:00,160 --> 01:10:01,810
King Philip ll of Spain.
1094
01:10:01,920 --> 01:10:04,400
COURTIERS: King Philip ll of Spain.
- Of Spain.
1095
01:10:04,800 --> 01:10:06,564
Sorry.
1096
01:10:06,680 --> 01:10:09,126
Her most excellent Majesty...
1097
01:10:09,960 --> 01:10:13,442
...by the grace of God, Elizabeth...
1098
01:10:14,960 --> 01:10:17,042
...Queen of England...
1099
01:10:17,400 --> 01:10:20,643
France and Ireland.
1100
01:10:22,720 --> 01:10:25,087
Defender of the Faith.
1101
01:10:27,240 --> 01:10:31,086
- Most improved monarch '92 to...
- Let's assume he knows who I am.
1102
01:10:36,400 --> 01:10:41,042
Your Majesty, it is a very great honour
to be invited to your fine country,
1103
01:10:41,160 --> 01:10:43,083
which I just got to this morning.
1104
01:10:43,800 --> 01:10:46,451
I came straight here. (laughs)
No funny business.
1105
01:10:47,320 --> 01:10:49,641
- Whoa! Talk about boat-lagged.
ELIZABETH: Philip.
1106
01:10:49,800 --> 01:10:53,930
It is our greatest hope
that this summit shall pave the way
1107
01:10:54,040 --> 01:11:00,241
to lasting peace
between our two great nations.
1108
01:11:00,400 --> 01:11:02,129
Right, come on,
let's get this over with.
1109
01:11:09,880 --> 01:11:11,803
(mimics explosion)
1110
01:11:14,120 --> 01:11:18,842
First we eat, and before you ask,
the Soup's sewed hot.
1111
01:11:18,960 --> 01:11:20,121
Ah, come off it.
1112
01:11:20,240 --> 01:11:22,481
Then we watch Crawley's new play
1113
01:11:22,600 --> 01:11:28,004
and finally we discuss
the release of Hawkins.
1114
01:11:28,600 --> 01:11:29,681
Who?
1115
01:11:29,800 --> 01:11:31,404
Hello!
1116
01:11:32,080 --> 01:11:34,560
Oh, yes, him, the reason I'm here. Ha-ha!
1117
01:11:34,680 --> 01:11:36,523
Mind like a gauze. It's terrible.
1118
01:11:37,720 --> 01:11:39,165
Yeah, that's him.
1119
01:11:39,280 --> 01:11:42,284
Oh. And one of 'em said something
about a pie stall.
1120
01:11:51,720 --> 01:11:53,210
(as a woman):
What about the voice?
1121
01:11:53,320 --> 01:11:55,641
Is it convincing?
1122
01:11:55,800 --> 01:11:58,451
Gabriel... I don't care.
1123
01:11:59,400 --> 01:12:01,243
(laughter)
1124
01:12:03,840 --> 01:12:07,731
You then chop up the tomatoes, you cook
the onions, but then you leave it a bit...
1125
01:12:09,440 --> 01:12:10,726
OK.
1126
01:12:13,000 --> 01:12:16,004
Burghley.
I like what you've done with this. Huh?
1127
01:12:16,440 --> 01:12:19,091
Two beards in one. Very nice. (chuckles)
1128
01:12:22,600 --> 01:12:25,126
Whoa. Better make it a good one.
1129
01:12:25,600 --> 01:12:27,250
The wife's in.
1130
01:12:27,360 --> 01:12:32,605
Oh! Didn't I mention?
It seems Devon comes with a duchess.
1131
01:12:32,720 --> 01:12:34,370
(Sniggers)
1132
01:12:34,480 --> 01:12:36,847
Well, he may be
a crazed religious extremist,
1133
01:12:36,960 --> 01:12:38,883
but this Shakespeare is smart
1134
01:12:40,120 --> 01:12:42,726
And a truly smart man knows...
1135
01:12:47,080 --> 01:12:49,242
...you hide in plain sight!
1136
01:12:57,640 --> 01:12:59,608
Ladies and gentlemen...
1137
01:13:00,560 --> 01:13:02,324
...Your Majesties,
1138
01:13:02,440 --> 01:13:05,444
I'm delighted to present
for your enteflainment
1139
01:13:05,560 --> 01:13:07,608
a new tragedy...
1140
01:13:07,720 --> 01:13:10,326
comedy/drama/history play,
1141
01:13:10,440 --> 01:13:14,081
written by and co-starring
the Earl of Croydon.
1142
01:13:14,720 --> 01:13:18,167
That's me. Croydon.
1143
01:13:18,280 --> 01:13:20,123
# fanfare
1144
01:13:35,000 --> 01:13:37,651
Oh, for a muse of fire...
1145
01:13:38,600 --> 01:13:42,207
...that would ascend
the brightest heaven of invention,
1146
01:13:42,320 --> 01:13:46,530
a kingdom for a stage, princes to act
1147
01:13:46,720 --> 01:13:50,247
and monarchs
to behold this swelling scene.
1148
01:13:51,280 --> 01:13:53,123
(squeaking)
1149
01:14:01,640 --> 01:14:03,483
(applause)
1150
01:14:04,880 --> 01:14:06,848
Did you see? Did you see?
1151
01:14:07,480 --> 01:14:09,403
I was just... They were...
1152
01:14:12,800 --> 01:14:14,643
(play continues)
1153
01:14:19,240 --> 01:14:21,163
lam so going to hell.
1154
01:14:28,520 --> 01:14:30,443
Evening.
1155
01:14:33,720 --> 01:14:36,200
- You set me free.
- No, you set me free.
1156
01:14:37,560 --> 01:14:39,403
Let's go.
1157
01:14:40,840 --> 01:14:42,080
BOTH:
Where are you going?
1158
01:14:42,200 --> 01:14:44,168
We have to save Anne, stop the plot.
1159
01:14:44,280 --> 01:14:47,170
- Are you crazy in the coconut?
- What's a coconut?
1160
01:14:47,280 --> 01:14:50,090
Well, my Catholic friends,
1161
01:14:50,200 --> 01:14:52,965
you have led me a merry dance.
1162
01:14:54,000 --> 01:14:58,085
But now it would seem
that I have the upper hand!
1163
01:14:58,200 --> 01:14:59,645
(shouting)
1164
01:15:01,480 --> 01:15:03,244
Aaarg h! (g roans)
1165
01:15:03,800 --> 01:15:07,441
- I won't leave her, not again.
- Well, then, you are on your own.
1166
01:15:08,800 --> 01:15:10,723
May God be with you, my friend.
1167
01:15:16,000 --> 01:15:18,765
'Tismenough.
1168
01:15:18,920 --> 01:15:20,081
(gasps of shock)
1169
01:15:21,880 --> 01:15:23,644
Bit of a rewrite.
1170
01:15:25,200 --> 01:15:27,521
"A Play for Her Majesty"?
1171
01:15:30,440 --> 01:15:32,283
Ha!
1172
01:15:35,440 --> 01:15:36,805
Hark.
1173
01:15:36,920 --> 01:15:39,685
By the pricking of my thumbs,
1174
01:15:39,800 --> 01:15:43,407
oh, something wicked this way comes.
1175
01:15:43,840 --> 01:15:46,207
(screeching and cackling)
1176
01:15:46,720 --> 01:15:47,801
Witches...
1177
01:15:47,920 --> 01:15:48,921
Witches! OK.
1178
01:15:49,640 --> 01:15:50,926
Scared.
1179
01:15:51,040 --> 01:15:56,171
How now,
you secret, black and midnight hags.
1180
01:15:57,840 --> 01:16:01,765
Hail to thee, the Thane of Glamis.
1181
01:16:02,120 --> 01:16:06,409
Hail to thee, the Thane of Cawdor.
1182
01:16:06,520 --> 01:16:09,649
Hail to thee, for thou shalt be king.
1183
01:16:09,760 --> 01:16:10,647
(boom)
1184
01:16:10,760 --> 01:16:12,569
(cries of surprise)
1185
01:16:13,000 --> 01:16:15,844
- Mark me.
- What the hell?
1186
01:16:15,960 --> 01:16:17,849
- What the hell?
- What the hell?
1187
01:16:17,960 --> 01:16:20,611
I could a tale unfold
1188
01:16:20,720 --> 01:16:24,361
whose lightest word
would harrow up thy soul,
1189
01:16:24,480 --> 01:16:30,249
freeze thy blood, make thine eyes
like stars start from their spheres.
1190
01:16:30,800 --> 01:16:34,850
A foul and most unnatural murder.
1191
01:16:35,760 --> 01:16:37,524
Marlowe?
1192
01:16:37,640 --> 01:16:39,688
That I now avenge!
1193
01:16:39,800 --> 01:16:41,006
WALSINGHAM:
Shakespeare!
1194
01:16:41,120 --> 01:16:43,043
- That's him!
- (gasps of surprise)
1195
01:16:43,160 --> 01:16:45,640
- Ooh. A cameo.
- The Catholids mine!
1196
01:16:47,280 --> 01:16:49,123
Listen, you've got the wrong man!
1197
01:16:49,240 --> 01:16:51,561
That's what a Catholic traitor
would say.
1198
01:16:53,560 --> 01:16:57,167
This is what's known
as breaking the fourth wall.
1199
01:16:58,040 --> 01:16:59,690
(grunts) Ooh!
1200
01:16:59,800 --> 01:17:01,290
Sword fight?
1201
01:17:01,400 --> 01:17:03,323
Sword fight, sword fight...
1202
01:17:17,640 --> 01:17:19,324
(cries of shock)
1203
01:17:21,160 --> 01:17:25,370
(prolonged scream)
1204
01:17:30,160 --> 01:17:32,811
Wait! He's not the Catholic.
1205
01:17:35,400 --> 01:17:37,243
We are the Catholics.
1206
01:17:37,360 --> 01:17:40,967
- (gasps of shock)
- Me amigos, plan J.
1207
01:17:41,080 --> 01:17:42,923
(shouting)
1208
01:17:48,720 --> 01:17:49,721
(mouths)
1209
01:17:58,280 --> 01:18:00,521
Actually, you know what?
1210
01:18:00,640 --> 01:18:03,564
I've gotta go
to the little kings' room.
1211
01:18:03,680 --> 01:18:05,444
OK. Excuse me.
1212
01:18:05,560 --> 01:18:07,608
It's seafood. King coming through.
Make a hole.
1213
01:18:07,880 --> 01:18:09,484
Goodbye, Queen.
1214
01:18:09,640 --> 01:18:11,449
Yeah.
1215
01:18:13,640 --> 01:18:15,563
SERGEANT:
Come on, there's another one...
1216
01:18:20,480 --> 01:18:23,723
Oh, villain, villain,
1217
01:18:23,840 --> 01:18:27,003
smiling, damned villain.
1218
01:18:29,120 --> 01:18:30,804
Uh...
1219
01:18:33,760 --> 01:18:35,683
All the world's a stage...
1220
01:18:38,200 --> 01:18:41,124
...and all the men...and women...
1221
01:18:42,880 --> 01:18:44,564
...merely players.
1222
01:18:44,680 --> 01:18:48,446
They have their exits and entrances...
1223
01:18:50,120 --> 01:18:52,885
...and one man in his time
plays many pads.
1224
01:18:53,720 --> 01:18:56,041
Take this man.
1225
01:18:56,160 --> 01:18:59,004
Hath he not played the pan of Patron?
1226
01:18:59,800 --> 01:19:01,484
Patriot?
1227
01:19:01,640 --> 01:19:03,244
Traitor?
1228
01:19:03,360 --> 01:19:05,362
Thief!
1229
01:19:05,480 --> 01:19:08,211
Who would rob a scribe of his words...
1230
01:19:09,280 --> 01:19:11,408
...a man of his wife...
1231
01:19:11,520 --> 01:19:14,569
a land...of its queen!
1232
01:19:14,680 --> 01:19:16,569
(gasps of shock)
1233
01:19:17,480 --> 01:19:20,290
Your Majesty, hell is empty.
1234
01:19:21,640 --> 01:19:24,211
All the devils are here.
1235
01:19:24,480 --> 01:19:26,608
Aren't they, Phil?
1236
01:19:26,760 --> 01:19:28,603
(shocked murmuring)
1237
01:19:30,240 --> 01:19:32,561
Ah... (chuckles)
1238
01:19:33,960 --> 01:19:35,564
Ha-ha-ha.
1239
01:19:36,000 --> 01:19:37,968
You think you're so clever,
don't you? Hm?
1240
01:19:38,520 --> 01:19:41,171
With your hair and your face.
1241
01:19:42,760 --> 01:19:45,047
Well, this changes nothing.
1242
01:19:45,800 --> 01:19:49,247
We may leave now
this damp, fetid bog of a country.
1243
01:19:49,360 --> 01:19:50,646
MAN:
All right, mate.
1244
01:19:50,760 --> 01:19:52,683
But know this.
1245
01:19:54,160 --> 01:19:56,128
I will return,
1246
01:19:56,240 --> 01:19:59,005
and my revenge...will have no bounds.
1247
01:20:00,400 --> 01:20:02,368
I shall do such things.
1248
01:20:03,080 --> 01:20:05,003
What they are yet, I know not.
1249
01:20:06,360 --> 01:20:10,251
But they shall be
the terrors of the earth.
1250
01:20:15,040 --> 01:20:16,769
And we're going to bring an horse.
1251
01:20:16,880 --> 01:20:19,167
But it's not a normal horse. Oh, no.
1252
01:20:19,280 --> 01:20:21,965
It's a ginormous horse
and it will confuse you.
1253
01:20:22,080 --> 01:20:24,845
- But that's the point of the horse.
- What is wrong with you?
1254
01:20:24,960 --> 01:20:27,327
What is actually wrong with you?
You are broken in the head.
1255
01:20:27,440 --> 01:20:28,851
It is not a real horse!
1256
01:20:28,960 --> 01:20:30,883
- It is not a real horse?
- It is not a real horse.
1257
01:20:31,000 --> 01:20:32,684
- What is it?
- It is a wooden horse.
1258
01:20:32,800 --> 01:20:34,040
PHILIP:
What is so hard to...
1259
01:20:39,360 --> 01:20:44,241
I arrest thee of capital treason
'gainst the Queen and crown, Crawley.
1260
01:20:44,360 --> 01:20:46,886
It's not Crawley. It's...
1261
01:20:48,400 --> 01:20:50,243
Oh, I give up.
1262
01:20:51,480 --> 01:20:53,881
A head filled with such fine words.
1263
01:20:54,000 --> 01:20:55,923
Almost a pity to put a spike up it.
1264
01:20:56,520 --> 01:20:58,727
- He didn't write the play.
- (gasps of shock)
1265
01:20:59,840 --> 01:21:03,925
- Your Majesty.
- Then who did...girl?
1266
01:21:04,560 --> 01:21:06,005
Bill.
1267
01:21:06,120 --> 01:21:08,248
William Shakespeare.
1268
01:21:09,480 --> 01:21:11,323
My husband.
1269
01:21:12,360 --> 01:21:14,089
Well, well, Mr Shakespeare.
1270
01:21:14,720 --> 01:21:16,848
Is there no end to your talents?
1271
01:21:17,360 --> 01:21:22,446
I may unmask these devils, ma'am,
yet still I cast myself among them.
1272
01:21:23,120 --> 01:21:25,202
For though I share not
the nature of their crimes,
1273
01:21:25,320 --> 01:21:28,483
I too sinned, as a demon might...
1274
01:21:30,640 --> 01:21:33,007
...when I cast aside an angel.
1275
01:21:35,440 --> 01:21:37,727
Shall I compare thee
to a summer's day?
1276
01:21:39,360 --> 01:21:42,762
Thou an more lovely and more temperate.
1277
01:21:44,360 --> 01:21:46,601
Rough winds do shake
the darling buds of May.
1278
01:21:46,720 --> 01:21:48,643
- And summer's lease...
- Stop talking.
1279
01:21:50,800 --> 01:21:52,325
(cheer)
1280
01:21:54,200 --> 01:21:56,043
Mr Shakespeare.
1281
01:22:01,720 --> 01:22:03,643
You may kiss my hand.
1282
01:22:09,520 --> 01:22:11,443
I may not be long for this world.
1283
01:22:13,240 --> 01:22:16,084
But I am most grateful
to see a few more dawns.
1284
01:22:18,040 --> 01:22:19,883
Thank you.
1285
01:22:21,720 --> 01:22:23,609
Southampton!
1286
01:22:23,720 --> 01:22:26,883
- Hello, love.
- ls your money room still bulging?
1287
01:22:27,000 --> 01:22:30,721
Oh, it's positively out of hand, darling.
I've had to knock a wall through.
1288
01:22:31,360 --> 01:22:35,331
Then see to it that this loyal subject
finds himself well financed.
1289
01:22:35,640 --> 01:22:36,846
Your Majesty.
1290
01:22:36,960 --> 01:22:41,045
Well, we shall be hearing much more
from you, won't we, Shakespeare?
1291
01:22:41,160 --> 01:22:44,323
Yes, Your Majesty. I have a few ideas.
1292
01:22:44,920 --> 01:22:46,684
Excellent.
1293
01:22:46,800 --> 01:22:49,690
Though maybe one at a time, eh?
Cos that was a bit dense.
1294
01:22:51,520 --> 01:22:55,320
Well, then...
all's well that ends well.
1295
01:22:56,560 --> 01:22:59,086
Time for some music, methinks.
1296
01:22:59,880 --> 01:23:03,043
Ladies and gentlemen...
1297
01:23:03,840 --> 01:23:08,607
I give you Modal Coil!
1298
01:23:08,720 --> 01:23:10,563
(cheering)
1299
01:23:11,680 --> 01:23:13,569
(lively tune)
1300
01:24:05,960 --> 01:24:07,803
(mouths)
1301
01:24:23,640 --> 01:24:26,723
It's a full house, Bill.
Have you settled on a title?
1302
01:24:26,840 --> 01:24:29,320
How about
A Series of Comedy Errors?
1303
01:24:29,640 --> 01:24:31,722
That's...getting there.
1304
01:24:32,000 --> 01:24:34,048
- (winces) Ow.
- There.
1305
01:24:35,320 --> 01:24:38,324
- All done.
- Well, what do you think?
1306
01:24:40,960 --> 01:24:42,883
Is the world ready for Shakespeare?
1307
01:24:44,720 --> 01:24:46,165
(exhales)
1308
01:24:48,960 --> 01:24:50,883
(applause)
1309
01:25:15,440 --> 01:25:17,124
This...
1310
01:25:17,440 --> 01:25:20,205
No, sorry. I still don't get it.
1311
01:25:20,320 --> 01:25:22,163
(King Philip sighs)
1312
01:25:31,200 --> 01:25:33,009
Any last words?
1313
01:25:33,120 --> 01:25:36,124
Yeah. Don't get involved in the ads.
1314
01:25:39,080 --> 01:25:41,447
I thought Ian
would have been here, at least.
1315
01:25:51,280 --> 01:25:53,123
Now... No.
1316
01:25:56,920 --> 01:25:58,763
Hello.
1317
01:26:00,400 --> 01:26:02,323
Hello.
1318
01:26:24,760 --> 01:26:26,603
(bird caws)
1319
01:26:32,240 --> 01:26:34,004
I'm going in.
96036
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