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1
00:00:14,205 --> 00:00:16,525
When did you... first notice it?
2
00:00:17,045 --> 00:00:19,245
Ah, well, the pipe started leaking
3
00:00:19,325 --> 00:00:21,405
and the wallpaper started to get wet,
4
00:00:21,485 --> 00:00:23,005
and then it started to form this image.
5
00:00:25,405 --> 00:00:27,365
And when did you think, "Oh...
6
00:00:27,445 --> 00:00:29,125
that looks a bit like
Sir Kenneth Branagh"?
7
00:00:29,725 --> 00:00:33,405
Oh, well, it was when the shading started
to form around this bit here.
8
00:00:33,485 --> 00:00:35,245
And, well, it's got his mouth, hasn't it?
9
00:00:36,125 --> 00:00:37,725
- Just a line.
- Yeah.
10
00:00:37,805 --> 00:00:39,805
It's amazing, innit? Makes you think.
11
00:00:40,565 --> 00:00:41,405
Yeah.
12
00:00:42,045 --> 00:00:42,885
Err...
13
00:00:43,885 --> 00:00:45,045
- Take a picture.
- Yeah.
14
00:00:46,445 --> 00:00:47,365
There you go.
15
00:00:47,445 --> 00:00:48,805
Err... Okay?
16
00:00:49,245 --> 00:00:50,405
Yeah.
17
00:00:50,485 --> 00:00:52,445
- This'll cheer the wife up no end.
- Will it?
18
00:00:52,525 --> 00:00:54,285
- Been a bit down lately.
- Ahh.
19
00:00:54,365 --> 00:00:57,045
- Got hit in the head with a hammer.
- She got hit in the head with a hammer?
20
00:00:57,125 --> 00:01:00,885
Two blokes on a moped grabbed her handbag,
hit her on the head and she let go.
21
00:01:00,965 --> 00:01:04,125
And the police don't like to chase 'em
because the kids take their helmets off,
22
00:01:04,205 --> 00:01:07,565
and then it's dangerous,
and the police might get sued, so...
23
00:01:08,165 --> 00:01:09,565
PC gone mad, innit?
24
00:01:10,045 --> 00:01:10,885
Yep.
25
00:01:16,405 --> 00:01:20,205
So... his wife gets mugged
by a motorcycle gang,
26
00:01:21,125 --> 00:01:22,485
hit in the head with a hammer,
27
00:01:22,565 --> 00:01:26,325
he goes home, sees a stain
that looks a bit like Sir Kenneth Branagh,
28
00:01:26,765 --> 00:01:29,005
and that's what he calls
the local paper about.
29
00:01:29,885 --> 00:01:32,085
Also, any stain
looks like Kenneth Branagh.
30
00:01:32,605 --> 00:01:34,285
He's got no distinguishing features.
31
00:01:34,365 --> 00:01:36,365
You couldn't do a caricature of him
32
00:01:36,445 --> 00:01:39,125
because there's no features to exaggerate.
33
00:01:39,205 --> 00:01:43,285
He's just got a face, a vague, beige face.
34
00:01:43,365 --> 00:01:45,445
If I was him, I'd wear glasses,
35
00:01:45,525 --> 00:01:46,605
big, red glasses.
36
00:01:46,685 --> 00:01:48,445
So when people said,
"Who's Kenneth Branagh?"
37
00:01:48,525 --> 00:01:50,005
"You know, big, red glasses."
38
00:01:50,085 --> 00:01:51,205
"Oh!"
39
00:01:51,285 --> 00:01:53,845
I think he's quite handsome.
I'd love to look like Kenneth Branagh.
40
00:01:53,925 --> 00:01:56,645
Course you would.
'Cause you look like fuckin' Shrek.
41
00:01:57,125 --> 00:01:59,885
Be an upgrade for you.
At least you'd be human, then.
42
00:02:00,365 --> 00:02:01,405
Birds love it.
43
00:02:01,485 --> 00:02:04,685
Talking of birds, I went on a date
with the fat kid's mom the other night.
44
00:02:04,765 --> 00:02:06,405
I'll see you back at the office.
45
00:02:08,285 --> 00:02:11,685
It's about 40 quid,
and then, you know. What you gonna...
46
00:02:11,765 --> 00:02:13,885
- Where's my money?
- Okay, calm down.
47
00:02:14,445 --> 00:02:16,685
- Who the fuck are you?
- I'll be whoever you want me to be.
48
00:02:16,765 --> 00:02:18,805
You spent my 60 quid on a prostitute?
49
00:02:18,885 --> 00:02:19,965
No, she's a friend of mine.
50
00:02:20,045 --> 00:02:21,565
I'm not gonna charge him
60 quid, am I?
51
00:02:22,205 --> 00:02:24,565
And less of the prostitute.
I'm a sex worker.
52
00:02:25,045 --> 00:02:26,005
Oh, my bad.
53
00:02:26,565 --> 00:02:28,645
- Gimme my money!
- Be careful with him.
54
00:02:28,725 --> 00:02:30,485
Sorry, shouldn't you be wanking
someone off?
55
00:02:30,565 --> 00:02:32,525
My next appointment's
not till three o'clock, actually.
56
00:02:32,965 --> 00:02:34,885
What'd you do with the money?
As if I didn't know.
57
00:02:34,965 --> 00:02:37,125
- Bought some drugs.
- Bought some drugs. They're my drugs.
58
00:02:37,205 --> 00:02:38,245
We could share them.
59
00:02:38,325 --> 00:02:39,965
Why would we share them? They're mine.
60
00:02:40,045 --> 00:02:40,925
What did you buy?
61
00:02:41,365 --> 00:02:42,925
- Smack, a bit of hash.
- Right.
62
00:02:44,205 --> 00:02:45,885
I'll have the hash. Keep the smack.
63
00:02:45,965 --> 00:02:48,525
- Ahh.
- I haven't got it on me, have I?
64
00:02:48,605 --> 00:02:50,765
- I could bring it over later, though.
Right.
65
00:02:52,925 --> 00:02:53,805
Do you live here?
66
00:02:54,325 --> 00:02:55,165
Err...
67
00:02:55,485 --> 00:02:56,325
Yeah.
68
00:02:57,445 --> 00:02:58,285
Why?
69
00:02:59,165 --> 00:03:01,045
I got kicked out
of the last garage, didn't I?
70
00:03:01,445 --> 00:03:03,445
I don't mean
why do you live in this particular garage.
71
00:03:03,525 --> 00:03:04,885
Why do you live in a garage at all?
72
00:03:04,965 --> 00:03:08,205
Oh, this happens. People like you
just don't see it from your ivory tower.
73
00:03:08,285 --> 00:03:10,885
I'm a little princess
'cause I don't live in a hole in the wall.
74
00:03:10,965 --> 00:03:12,925
Don't let him go through my stuff, okay?
75
00:03:13,005 --> 00:03:15,645
'Cause I need a new
piss-stained mattress.
76
00:03:16,085 --> 00:03:16,965
Fucking maggot.
77
00:03:17,325 --> 00:03:19,045
Don't be so hard on him.
His girlfriend died.
78
00:03:19,125 --> 00:03:20,245
He had a girlfriend?
79
00:03:20,325 --> 00:03:22,725
Overdose. She got him into it, I think.
80
00:03:23,485 --> 00:03:25,365
We all do things we'd rather not do.
81
00:03:26,085 --> 00:03:26,925
Mmm.
82
00:03:27,485 --> 00:03:28,965
D'you need anything while you're 'ere?
83
00:03:30,125 --> 00:03:31,045
Like what?
84
00:03:31,485 --> 00:03:32,325
Anything.
85
00:03:32,965 --> 00:03:33,805
Anything?
86
00:03:34,125 --> 00:03:34,965
Anything.
87
00:03:35,725 --> 00:03:36,565
For 50 quid.
88
00:03:41,565 --> 00:03:45,685
♪ Hey sister, go sister
Soul sister, go sister ♪
89
00:03:45,765 --> 00:03:49,165
♪ He met Marmalade
down in old New Orleans ♪
90
00:03:50,085 --> 00:03:52,805
♪ Struttin' her stuff on the street ♪
91
00:03:53,405 --> 00:03:55,925
♪ She said, "Hello. Hey, Joe ♪
92
00:03:56,005 --> 00:03:57,205
♪ You wanna give it a go?" ♪
93
00:03:57,845 --> 00:04:01,765
♪ Uh-huh
Gitchie, gitchie, ya-ya, da-da ♪
94
00:04:02,765 --> 00:04:05,965
♪ Gitchie, gitchie, ya-ya, here ♪
95
00:04:06,925 --> 00:04:10,085
♪ Mocha chocolata, ya-ya ♪
96
00:04:11,085 --> 00:04:14,405
♪ Creole Lady Marmalade ♪
97
00:04:21,325 --> 00:04:22,805
This is the worst.
98
00:04:22,925 --> 00:04:24,165
I think I'm gonna puke.
99
00:04:25,965 --> 00:04:28,725
I mean, why don't you soak everything
straightaway?
100
00:04:29,085 --> 00:04:30,845
You said, "Anything for 50 quid."
101
00:04:30,925 --> 00:04:33,285
How many times did you have
fish fingers and beans?
102
00:04:33,365 --> 00:04:34,205
Doesn't matter.
103
00:04:34,725 --> 00:04:37,285
You've done it now anyway.
Just in time.
104
00:04:45,245 --> 00:04:46,925
A cleaner'd be way cheaper than this.
105
00:04:47,245 --> 00:04:48,285
How much do they charge?
106
00:04:48,965 --> 00:04:50,005
About a tenner an hour.
107
00:04:50,085 --> 00:04:52,445
- So I could have got five hours for that?
- Yeah.
108
00:04:55,125 --> 00:04:55,965
Anyway...
109
00:04:56,765 --> 00:04:58,245
it's been nice chatting.
110
00:04:58,325 --> 00:05:00,045
How about a cup of tea before you go?
111
00:05:00,125 --> 00:05:03,005
- Okay.
- No, I meant I'd make you one, but...
112
00:05:04,085 --> 00:05:05,285
No, I'm all right.
113
00:05:05,365 --> 00:05:06,445
What's your name?
114
00:05:06,885 --> 00:05:08,005
Roxy.
115
00:05:08,085 --> 00:05:09,205
Your real name.
116
00:05:10,045 --> 00:05:11,685
What are you, the Inland Revenue?
117
00:05:14,365 --> 00:05:15,285
It's Daphne.
118
00:05:16,325 --> 00:05:18,445
- What? What's that face?
- It's a nice name.
119
00:05:18,525 --> 00:05:20,605
Exactly. Don't suit me.
120
00:05:20,965 --> 00:05:23,125
- What, 'cause you're not nice?
- I dunno.
121
00:05:24,285 --> 00:05:25,285
It suits you.
122
00:05:25,845 --> 00:05:27,565
Deep down, you're a Daphne.
123
00:05:28,765 --> 00:05:31,925
You never know what's around the corner.
One minute you're...
124
00:05:32,005 --> 00:05:34,405
happy and safe and smug about it,
125
00:05:35,165 --> 00:05:37,725
the next minute,
everything's taken away from you.
126
00:05:38,405 --> 00:05:39,725
You need a plan B.
127
00:05:41,085 --> 00:05:42,085
I...
128
00:05:43,125 --> 00:05:44,525
I know about your wife.
129
00:05:44,605 --> 00:05:45,445
Julian told me.
130
00:05:45,525 --> 00:05:46,525
Julian?
131
00:05:46,605 --> 00:05:48,445
That skinny little fucker.
132
00:05:48,525 --> 00:05:50,125
I invite him in and he robs me.
133
00:05:51,005 --> 00:05:53,365
Yeah, but you know,
he can't help it, though, can he?
134
00:05:54,925 --> 00:05:56,285
Yeah, of course he can.
135
00:05:56,365 --> 00:05:58,405
You don't know
a lot about addiction, then.
136
00:05:58,485 --> 00:06:00,525
I think I've got the gist.
It's the one where you go,
137
00:06:00,605 --> 00:06:02,325
"It's not my fault. I'm addicted."
138
00:06:02,405 --> 00:06:04,725
Everything's an addiction these days.
139
00:06:04,805 --> 00:06:07,685
"Oh, I couldn't help running over someone
in my car when I was pissed.
140
00:06:07,765 --> 00:06:09,845
I'm an alcoholic. Will you let me off?"
141
00:06:09,925 --> 00:06:11,485
Oh... a food addiction.
142
00:06:11,565 --> 00:06:14,005
Addicted to food.
We're all addicted to food.
143
00:06:14,445 --> 00:06:16,485
Worst one: sex addiction.
144
00:06:16,565 --> 00:06:19,245
Literally invented by someone
who got caught cheating.
145
00:06:19,325 --> 00:06:21,805
Hey, those guys
are some of my best clients.
146
00:06:23,085 --> 00:06:24,525
Why do you do what you do?
147
00:06:24,805 --> 00:06:25,645
Money.
148
00:06:26,085 --> 00:06:27,925
No, I know, but why... that?
149
00:06:28,005 --> 00:06:29,805
You're only asking me that
'cause of what I do.
150
00:06:29,885 --> 00:06:32,325
But I mean, how do you get into that
in the first place?
151
00:06:32,405 --> 00:06:34,725
- Do you remember that film Pretty Woman?
- Yep.
152
00:06:34,805 --> 00:06:36,725
I just thought it looked really glamorous.
153
00:06:36,805 --> 00:06:37,805
Really?
154
00:06:37,885 --> 00:06:39,165
No, course not.
155
00:06:39,245 --> 00:06:40,965
Oh, right. I dunno.
156
00:06:41,405 --> 00:06:42,765
You would be surprised
157
00:06:42,845 --> 00:06:46,365
the amount of people that still expect
all sex workers to look like Julia Roberts
158
00:06:46,445 --> 00:06:48,285
and then I show up.
159
00:06:49,285 --> 00:06:50,125
But...
160
00:06:50,525 --> 00:06:51,965
I do have these.
161
00:06:52,445 --> 00:06:54,685
- What's that?
- Tiny little hands.
162
00:06:55,005 --> 00:06:57,725
- Why is that good?
- Oh mate, clients love 'em.
163
00:06:57,965 --> 00:06:58,805
Why?
164
00:06:59,125 --> 00:07:00,725
Makes their cocks look massive.
165
00:07:01,645 --> 00:07:03,445
Well, I've learned a lot.
166
00:07:03,525 --> 00:07:05,365
- I'm honored.
- Good.
167
00:07:05,445 --> 00:07:06,285
Anyway...
168
00:07:06,925 --> 00:07:07,765
Err...
169
00:07:10,405 --> 00:07:11,245
Here you go.
170
00:07:14,605 --> 00:07:16,125
Is this really all you want me to do?
171
00:07:16,965 --> 00:07:17,805
Yeah.
172
00:07:18,525 --> 00:07:19,525
Okay.
173
00:07:29,125 --> 00:07:30,365
See ya later.
174
00:07:31,725 --> 00:07:33,485
I absolutely love your dog.
175
00:07:34,525 --> 00:07:35,365
Me too.
176
00:07:42,725 --> 00:07:45,885
I was gonna put it in for a wash.
I wonder what I've done with it.
177
00:07:45,965 --> 00:07:48,165
All right. Well, we'll find it.
It's all right.
178
00:07:48,245 --> 00:07:49,965
- Hi.
- Oh, hi.
179
00:07:50,485 --> 00:07:52,245
- You all right?
- Yeah.
180
00:07:54,005 --> 00:07:55,485
You all right, Dad?
181
00:07:56,285 --> 00:07:57,645
How's Lisa?
182
00:07:58,045 --> 00:08:00,045
Oh, Jesus. She's dead, Dad.
183
00:08:00,565 --> 00:08:01,965
Remember that, all right?
184
00:08:02,045 --> 00:08:05,245
'Cause every time you ask me about it,
it really fucking hurts, okay?
185
00:08:05,325 --> 00:08:06,965
Why don't you just go along with it?
186
00:08:07,045 --> 00:08:08,045
Why?
187
00:08:08,125 --> 00:08:09,805
Because it might make him feel better.
188
00:08:09,885 --> 00:08:12,405
All right, okay. Once again,
no one cares about my feelings.
189
00:08:12,925 --> 00:08:14,485
I just had a prostitute lecturing me
190
00:08:14,565 --> 00:08:18,125
about how I should care about the feelings
of a smackhead who robbed me.
191
00:08:18,925 --> 00:08:19,805
That sounds...
192
00:08:20,805 --> 00:08:22,725
He works for me,
and she was doing the washing up.
193
00:08:22,805 --> 00:08:23,965
All right, it's...
194
00:08:24,925 --> 00:08:27,925
- complicated.
- Well, none of my business, I'm sure.
195
00:08:29,685 --> 00:08:30,605
Interesting.
196
00:08:31,325 --> 00:08:32,645
Argh. What is?
197
00:08:33,085 --> 00:08:35,645
No, it's the way you said,
"None of my business, I'm sure,"
198
00:08:35,725 --> 00:08:38,125
- like you thought it was your business.
- No, I didn't.
199
00:08:38,205 --> 00:08:40,125
- Well, you did.
- What's wrong with you?
200
00:08:40,924 --> 00:08:43,284
- What...
- Why can't you just be normal?
201
00:08:43,365 --> 00:08:45,245
I mean, I know you're not normal.
202
00:08:45,645 --> 00:08:47,605
You're bitter, and angry,
203
00:08:47,965 --> 00:08:49,045
and depressed,
204
00:08:49,125 --> 00:08:50,405
and you're upset with the world,
205
00:08:50,485 --> 00:08:52,805
but for God's sake, this is your dad.
206
00:08:52,885 --> 00:08:54,725
- No, I know.
- You know, can you not just maybe
207
00:08:54,805 --> 00:08:57,485
pretend to be normal
for the ten minutes that you're with him?
208
00:08:57,565 --> 00:08:59,485
Oh, is that a dig?
That I see him for ten minutes?
209
00:08:59,565 --> 00:09:00,725
I didn't mean to upset you.
210
00:09:00,805 --> 00:09:02,725
I was just saying
that maybe for the ten minutes...
211
00:09:02,805 --> 00:09:06,685
Yeah, it's just a lot of opinions
for something that isn't your business.
212
00:09:06,925 --> 00:09:08,125
He can still feel hurt.
213
00:09:08,645 --> 00:09:10,125
- Right. No, I get that.
- Everybody can.
214
00:09:10,205 --> 00:09:11,125
No, I get that.
215
00:09:11,205 --> 00:09:15,125
It's just a bit weird from someone
who's looking after my dad as their job.
216
00:09:15,205 --> 00:09:18,005
It's a bit unprofessional giving me
all this attitude, don't you think?
217
00:09:18,765 --> 00:09:21,125
You're like a troll on Twitter.
218
00:09:21,205 --> 00:09:24,325
Just because you're all upset,
everybody else has to feel upset.
219
00:09:24,405 --> 00:09:26,565
At first I thought, "I'll give him
the benefit of the doubt,"
220
00:09:26,645 --> 00:09:29,245
because I just assumed
you were always having a bad day,
221
00:09:29,325 --> 00:09:31,485
but maybe it's just because you're a cunt.
222
00:09:40,045 --> 00:09:41,445
That went well.
223
00:09:43,125 --> 00:09:44,925
Cunt.
224
00:09:46,605 --> 00:09:47,445
Cunt.
225
00:09:48,405 --> 00:09:49,245
Yep.
226
00:09:51,565 --> 00:09:52,805
I couldn't believe it.
227
00:09:52,885 --> 00:09:56,445
I mean, she's a nurse looking after
my dad, who's got Alzheimer's,
228
00:09:56,885 --> 00:09:59,925
and then she's giving me grief
for getting upset about stuff.
229
00:10:00,685 --> 00:10:02,925
- I wouldn't worry about it.
- No, I know.
230
00:10:04,165 --> 00:10:06,005
- But you do.
- Yeah.
231
00:10:08,125 --> 00:10:09,325
'Cause you know she's right.
232
00:10:10,125 --> 00:10:11,125
No. What?
233
00:10:12,725 --> 00:10:15,045
Unbelievable. Stan, what d'you reckon?
234
00:10:15,125 --> 00:10:17,245
D'you think the women
are ganging up on me?
235
00:10:17,325 --> 00:10:18,365
He agrees with me.
236
00:10:18,765 --> 00:10:20,685
- There's a surprise.
- Apologize to her.
237
00:10:21,405 --> 00:10:22,965
- For what?
- It doesn't matter.
238
00:10:23,605 --> 00:10:26,045
It shows strength, not weakness. Trust me.
239
00:10:26,645 --> 00:10:29,045
I can't just go and apologize for nothing.
240
00:10:29,125 --> 00:10:31,245
But it wouldn't be for nothing, would it?
241
00:10:31,325 --> 00:10:35,845
You'd be apologizing for arguing
with someone you like, someone who's nice.
242
00:10:37,965 --> 00:10:39,205
She's nice, right?
243
00:10:40,725 --> 00:10:44,405
- She's...
- There you are. Ahhh!
244
00:10:44,485 --> 00:10:46,085
What?
245
00:10:46,725 --> 00:10:48,525
Thought so.
246
00:10:49,165 --> 00:10:52,285
Well, why don't you look at it
as your first lovers' tiff?
247
00:10:52,365 --> 00:10:53,525
That's ridiculous.
248
00:10:54,125 --> 00:10:55,645
Okay, good. Well done.
249
00:10:56,525 --> 00:10:58,325
Right, I'll see you later.
250
00:10:59,245 --> 00:11:01,365
See you later, Stan.
251
00:11:21,245 --> 00:11:22,245
Good week?
252
00:11:22,325 --> 00:11:23,285
No, course not.
253
00:11:23,885 --> 00:11:25,565
How could I possibly have had a good week?
254
00:11:26,005 --> 00:11:27,325
Only you know that, really.
255
00:11:27,405 --> 00:11:28,725
Why am I paying you, then?
256
00:11:29,645 --> 00:11:30,925
That's a good question.
257
00:11:32,725 --> 00:11:33,565
And?
258
00:11:33,645 --> 00:11:35,285
Well, why are you paying me?
259
00:11:35,365 --> 00:11:38,005
What, so I've got to know that... too?
260
00:11:38,885 --> 00:11:44,085
Tony, we're here to ask and answer
difficult questions about yourself.
261
00:11:45,005 --> 00:11:47,205
Now, maybe you don't wanna know
the answer.
262
00:11:47,405 --> 00:11:50,485
Maybe the easy way out for you
is to think there isn't an answer.
263
00:11:50,565 --> 00:11:53,325
Well, there is an answer, but you seem...
264
00:11:54,405 --> 00:11:57,325
happier to just accept your unhappiness.
265
00:11:57,405 --> 00:12:00,365
No, I do accept my unhappiness.
I know exactly why I'm unhappy,
266
00:12:00,445 --> 00:12:03,085
and I also know the only thing
that would stop me being unhappy
267
00:12:03,165 --> 00:12:04,285
is impossible.
268
00:12:04,365 --> 00:12:07,885
What I don't know is why I pay someone
who doesn't care about me.
269
00:12:07,965 --> 00:12:09,005
Well...
270
00:12:09,085 --> 00:12:11,725
there are people in your life
who care about you,
271
00:12:11,805 --> 00:12:14,285
but do they actually do
what's good for you?
272
00:12:14,845 --> 00:12:17,245
I don't think anyone knows
what's good for me.
273
00:12:17,325 --> 00:12:18,765
Well I think it's in there somewhere.
274
00:12:18,845 --> 00:12:21,725
I just wanna stop feeling sad.
275
00:12:24,325 --> 00:12:25,165
Do that, then.
276
00:12:25,885 --> 00:12:28,165
Just... stop feeling sad.
277
00:12:35,925 --> 00:12:39,165
So, I make some notes at the time,
278
00:12:39,245 --> 00:12:42,085
if I can be bothered and stay awake.
279
00:12:43,205 --> 00:12:46,005
I get the gist of it. Their name and age,
280
00:12:46,405 --> 00:12:48,525
what street they live in.
People love that.
281
00:12:48,845 --> 00:12:50,245
And then I try and make...
282
00:12:50,645 --> 00:12:54,125
the fucking banal seem mildly interesting.
283
00:12:54,725 --> 00:12:57,365
Erm, this guy, his pipes leaked,
284
00:12:57,445 --> 00:12:59,965
and a stain appeared on his wallpaper
285
00:13:00,285 --> 00:13:02,885
that he said looks like Kenneth Branagh.
286
00:13:04,325 --> 00:13:06,125
- Do you know who that is?
- No.
287
00:13:06,645 --> 00:13:08,165
He's an old actor, director.
288
00:13:08,805 --> 00:13:09,645
Erm...
289
00:13:09,765 --> 00:13:11,725
- Have you heard of Emma Thompson?
- Yeah.
290
00:13:13,005 --> 00:13:15,565
He'd hate that... Um... anyway,
291
00:13:16,285 --> 00:13:18,165
it was a stain on a wall.
292
00:13:18,565 --> 00:13:20,005
Have you got the photos from the...
293
00:13:20,485 --> 00:13:22,925
Oh, yeah. Talking of photos,
294
00:13:23,445 --> 00:13:26,925
I've got some pictures of the date I had
with the fat kid's mom the other...
295
00:13:27,005 --> 00:13:28,365
Everyone, listen up.
296
00:13:29,605 --> 00:13:30,485
Work's outing.
297
00:13:30,925 --> 00:13:31,765
No.
298
00:13:32,245 --> 00:13:33,205
Yeah.
299
00:13:33,285 --> 00:13:34,125
Yes.
300
00:13:34,525 --> 00:13:35,965
It's gonna be good for team-building.
301
00:13:36,045 --> 00:13:38,965
There's a new comedy club in town,
just opened. They're advertising with us,
302
00:13:39,045 --> 00:13:41,445
so I thought, show willing,
bought us all tickets.
303
00:13:41,525 --> 00:13:43,165
I said I could have got 'em for free.
304
00:13:43,245 --> 00:13:45,165
Yeah, I know,
but you've gotta support the arts.
305
00:13:45,245 --> 00:13:47,805
It's good. All proper comedians.
306
00:13:48,765 --> 00:13:49,805
There is a woman on.
307
00:13:53,405 --> 00:13:54,245
Right?
308
00:13:54,765 --> 00:13:57,405
Well, I'm just saying.
Just checking, you're all right.
309
00:14:00,725 --> 00:14:03,045
Good. So, yeah, come. It'll be fun.
310
00:14:03,125 --> 00:14:05,685
- It won't.
- Tony, it will. Give it a chance.
311
00:14:07,045 --> 00:14:08,125
Talking of fun,
312
00:14:08,205 --> 00:14:10,085
I had a lot of fun
on that date the other night...
313
00:14:10,165 --> 00:14:11,685
- Tony.
- Ohh.
314
00:14:11,765 --> 00:14:13,325
- Who's that?
- Local nutter.
315
00:14:14,605 --> 00:14:16,605
Always trying to get in the paper,
ain't you, Brian?
316
00:14:16,845 --> 00:14:17,685
She's new.
317
00:14:18,565 --> 00:14:19,405
Yep.
318
00:14:19,885 --> 00:14:22,925
- You stink.
- Never mind that.
319
00:14:23,245 --> 00:14:24,725
Got something for your front cover,
320
00:14:25,245 --> 00:14:26,445
- if you're interested.
- No.
321
00:14:27,165 --> 00:14:28,365
Freddie Mercury's tooth.
322
00:14:29,125 --> 00:14:31,565
- Where d'you get that?
- Up the park, by the swings.
323
00:14:31,645 --> 00:14:33,005
And what makes you think it's his?
324
00:14:34,005 --> 00:14:35,565
Look at the size of it, mate.
325
00:14:35,645 --> 00:14:37,445
He's disgusting.
326
00:14:37,525 --> 00:14:39,965
Huh? Why don't you stick a knob
down your throat, blabbermouth.
327
00:14:40,045 --> 00:14:41,845
Why do you want to be in the paper, Brian?
328
00:14:41,925 --> 00:14:44,565
'Cause I want to show the world
what I've got, what I can do,
329
00:14:44,645 --> 00:14:45,605
what diseases I've had.
330
00:14:45,925 --> 00:14:48,405
- No one's interested in your diseases.
- Oh, aren't they?
331
00:14:48,485 --> 00:14:49,565
- No.
- Sexual exploits?
332
00:14:49,645 --> 00:14:50,485
- No.
- No?
333
00:14:51,005 --> 00:14:52,965
- I'm a member of a swingers' club.
- Urgh.
334
00:14:53,045 --> 00:14:55,245
You know the assistant manager
of Tambury FC?
335
00:14:55,325 --> 00:14:56,525
I've given him a blowjob.
336
00:14:56,605 --> 00:14:58,765
Stick that on your sports page.
337
00:14:58,845 --> 00:15:00,845
We're not gonna put it
on the sports page.
338
00:15:00,925 --> 00:15:03,605
It's not Freddie Mercury's tooth.
We're not gonna put your diseases...
339
00:15:03,685 --> 00:15:06,565
This is a local paper about old ladies,
their big fat cat,
340
00:15:06,645 --> 00:15:09,205
or someone finding a hat in a tree.
We're not gonna go with,
341
00:15:09,285 --> 00:15:11,365
"Oh, here's Brian Gittens,
local man done proud,
342
00:15:11,445 --> 00:15:14,445
sucking off some fuckin' nonce
at the football." Think!
343
00:15:15,645 --> 00:15:16,805
Have you got a jokes page?
344
00:15:16,885 --> 00:15:18,445
- No.
- Then you're missing a trick
345
00:15:18,525 --> 00:15:20,485
'cause I write my own jokes.
D'you wanna hear one?
346
00:15:21,805 --> 00:15:25,485
What do you get if you cross
a disabled octopus with my ex-wife?
347
00:15:26,885 --> 00:15:28,045
A five-legged slut.
348
00:15:30,245 --> 00:15:32,125
Brian, not everyone can get in the paper.
349
00:15:32,205 --> 00:15:34,085
Not everyone's fingered Jackie Collins.
350
00:15:34,165 --> 00:15:35,405
- Have you?
- No.
351
00:15:36,645 --> 00:15:38,565
When's that bothered the press before?
352
00:15:39,365 --> 00:15:40,245
Am I right?
353
00:15:40,685 --> 00:15:43,085
Brilliant. Okay, cheers.
354
00:15:43,165 --> 00:15:44,285
- Okay.
- See you again.
355
00:15:56,925 --> 00:15:58,165
I've got a good feature for you.
356
00:15:59,605 --> 00:16:01,125
- No, you haven't.
- Rude.
357
00:16:01,205 --> 00:16:03,045
- You haven't even heard it yet.
- No need.
358
00:16:04,005 --> 00:16:05,325
- Crystals.
- Told you.
359
00:16:05,845 --> 00:16:07,205
Their healing power.
360
00:16:07,285 --> 00:16:08,885
They're bullshit.
361
00:16:09,245 --> 00:16:11,125
- You're so narrow-minded.
- No.
362
00:16:11,205 --> 00:16:13,005
- You don't believe in anything.
- Yes, I do.
363
00:16:13,085 --> 00:16:14,285
Thought you were atheist.
364
00:16:14,365 --> 00:16:17,485
Doesn't mean I don't believe in anything.
It means I don't believe in any god.
365
00:16:17,565 --> 00:16:19,725
- How can you not believe in God?
- Which one?
366
00:16:21,005 --> 00:16:22,005
What do you mean?
367
00:16:22,365 --> 00:16:24,525
Well... Zeus?
368
00:16:25,405 --> 00:16:27,085
- Who?
- Greek god.
369
00:16:27,165 --> 00:16:28,725
Or Ra, or Ganesh?
370
00:16:28,805 --> 00:16:31,005
No, not those ones,
the real one in the Bible.
371
00:16:31,085 --> 00:16:32,085
Yahweh.
372
00:16:32,165 --> 00:16:33,125
Just God!
373
00:16:33,205 --> 00:16:37,045
Well, you know how you don't believe
in all those other gods I mentioned?
374
00:16:37,125 --> 00:16:39,085
That's how I don't believe in yours.
375
00:16:39,165 --> 00:16:41,685
How can you not believe
that someone created all this, though?
376
00:16:42,085 --> 00:16:44,645
Why do you believe
that someone created it all?
377
00:16:44,725 --> 00:16:46,005
Because it's so good.
378
00:16:46,485 --> 00:16:48,045
It can't just be chance, can it?
379
00:16:49,365 --> 00:16:50,565
What, the Big Bang?
380
00:16:50,645 --> 00:16:53,245
Everything came from nothing?
That's impossible.
381
00:16:53,325 --> 00:16:54,925
You're right. God did it.
382
00:16:55,485 --> 00:16:56,325
Right.
383
00:16:56,805 --> 00:16:58,325
So, where did God come from?
384
00:17:01,085 --> 00:17:02,045
He's always been around.
385
00:17:02,805 --> 00:17:04,125
There you go. Easy, innit?
386
00:17:04,484 --> 00:17:05,365
Mm.
387
00:17:10,964 --> 00:17:13,925
You always found so much joyin everything, all the little things.
388
00:17:14,405 --> 00:17:16,285
Sitting on the sofa with the dog.
389
00:17:16,765 --> 00:17:18,085
With that look on your face, like,
390
00:17:18,165 --> 00:17:20,444
"I'm just sat on the sofa with the dog.
I'm loving it."
391
00:17:22,285 --> 00:17:23,525
Give the dog a kiss from me,
392
00:17:24,565 --> 00:17:26,845
and take her to the beach.
She loves it there.
393
00:17:27,645 --> 00:17:29,045
You both do.
394
00:17:31,205 --> 00:17:32,765
Do you wanna go to the beach?
395
00:17:33,325 --> 00:17:34,165
Yeah?
396
00:17:35,125 --> 00:17:36,325
Come on, then.
397
00:17:40,525 --> 00:17:42,565
Come on. Good girl.
398
00:19:03,725 --> 00:19:07,325
Oh, my God! What did you do that for?
399
00:19:07,405 --> 00:19:08,285
You looked hot!
400
00:19:08,365 --> 00:19:11,325
I was asleep. I'm soaked.
401
00:19:11,405 --> 00:19:13,965
Look, you've freaked the dog out.
402
00:19:14,045 --> 00:19:16,965
Oh, you're such a twat.
403
00:19:17,045 --> 00:19:19,445
Ahh, I might as well go in the sea now.
404
00:19:19,525 --> 00:19:22,845
Come on! You come in the sea
with me! You come in.
405
00:19:22,925 --> 00:19:24,805
- No.
- You come in. Tony, come in!
406
00:19:24,885 --> 00:19:26,445
- No.
- Come on!
407
00:19:27,005 --> 00:19:27,845
Come on!
408
00:19:28,325 --> 00:19:29,645
Come in, Tony!
409
00:20:27,045 --> 00:20:28,645
That's why they call them sports socks!
410
00:20:29,845 --> 00:20:32,165
Thank you. You're a wonderful crowd,
you really are.
411
00:20:32,245 --> 00:20:33,645
I'm glad you're a wonderful crowd.
412
00:20:34,205 --> 00:20:36,325
I've had some bad news this week,
I have to say.
413
00:20:36,405 --> 00:20:38,325
- Ah.
- Come on, sadder than that.
414
00:20:38,405 --> 00:20:39,325
Ahhh!
415
00:20:39,405 --> 00:20:41,445
Yeah, it was.
416
00:20:41,725 --> 00:20:43,885
A friend of mine
actually committed suicide last week.
417
00:20:44,365 --> 00:20:47,645
Yeah, went upstairs, swallowed everything
in the bathroom cabinet.
418
00:20:48,085 --> 00:20:49,285
Choked on a tampon.
419
00:20:49,365 --> 00:20:51,245
Oh yeah.
420
00:20:53,205 --> 00:20:54,965
Choked on a tampon.
421
00:20:55,565 --> 00:20:58,845
So you've got this guy,
absolutely fucking hated that joke.
422
00:20:58,925 --> 00:21:01,925
I tell ya, his face fell like my nan.
Oh no!
423
00:21:02,565 --> 00:21:04,605
Fucking cheer up, mate.
Might not ever happen.
424
00:21:04,685 --> 00:21:08,445
Come on. Instead of, like,
"I'm not gonna laugh at this." Come on.
425
00:21:08,525 --> 00:21:09,765
What's your name then, man?
426
00:21:11,365 --> 00:21:12,405
What's your name?
427
00:21:13,205 --> 00:21:15,325
- Tony.
- Tony. There we go. Not so hard.
428
00:21:15,405 --> 00:21:16,645
What's your story, Tony?
429
00:21:18,165 --> 00:21:20,125
- What's my story?
- Yeah.
430
00:21:20,205 --> 00:21:22,325
Sitting here, front row.
What's your story?
431
00:21:24,325 --> 00:21:25,365
My wife died...
432
00:21:25,925 --> 00:21:26,845
earlier this year.
433
00:21:27,845 --> 00:21:28,685
Breast cancer.
434
00:21:30,725 --> 00:21:31,805
And it broke me.
435
00:21:33,485 --> 00:21:35,165
Not a day goes by when I don't...
436
00:21:36,245 --> 00:21:37,485
think of killing myself.
437
00:21:37,925 --> 00:21:40,765
I just don't see any point in living.
438
00:21:46,485 --> 00:21:47,405
Well...
439
00:21:52,365 --> 00:21:55,325
Umbrellas are weird,
aren't they? Do you ever...
440
00:21:56,045 --> 00:21:57,285
As if an umbrella...
441
00:21:58,165 --> 00:21:59,005
He asked.
442
00:21:59,885 --> 00:22:00,965
Yeah.
443
00:22:01,045 --> 00:22:03,565
He did. He asked me a question,
so I told him the truth.
444
00:22:05,565 --> 00:22:07,765
- The truth's important to you.
- Yeah.
445
00:22:07,845 --> 00:22:10,765
Okay, well here's the truth for you, Tony.
I'm tired, mate.
446
00:22:11,445 --> 00:22:14,765
Okay, I'm tired of spending my working day
worrying about you
447
00:22:14,845 --> 00:22:16,605
and about what you're gonna do next,
448
00:22:16,685 --> 00:22:19,445
and trying to come up with reasons
you shouldn't kill yourself,
449
00:22:19,805 --> 00:22:23,245
and finding tickets for things
to try and cheer you up.
450
00:22:23,845 --> 00:22:27,045
Okay? Midweek, as well, when I should be
home with my wife and son,
451
00:22:27,125 --> 00:22:28,605
dealing with my own problems.
452
00:22:28,925 --> 00:22:32,885
Right. So he's allowed to joke
about suicide, but I'm not allowed to...
453
00:22:32,965 --> 00:22:35,805
It wasn't about you, though, Tony.
The joke wasn't about you.
454
00:22:35,885 --> 00:22:37,565
It didn't happen. He made it up.
455
00:22:38,005 --> 00:22:41,925
His friend didn't really commit suicide
by choking on a tampon, obviously.
456
00:22:42,005 --> 00:22:44,445
- No, I get that.
- I mean, he doesn't know your situation.
457
00:22:44,525 --> 00:22:45,365
Well...
458
00:22:45,445 --> 00:22:46,565
He doesn't. If he'd said,
459
00:22:47,005 --> 00:22:50,605
"Hands up, anyone whose wife has died
and is thinking about killing themselves,"
460
00:22:50,685 --> 00:22:53,325
you go, "Yeah, over here." He's like,
"Okay, mate, here's a joke for you."
461
00:22:53,405 --> 00:22:55,285
Right. Well, maybe I wasn't in the mood.
462
00:22:55,365 --> 00:22:56,205
Great.
463
00:22:56,285 --> 00:22:58,085
He was trying to make people laugh.
464
00:23:00,525 --> 00:23:01,885
That's all I'm doing here, okay?
465
00:23:01,965 --> 00:23:04,005
I'm just... I'm doing my best trying...
466
00:23:04,525 --> 00:23:05,485
to make you happy.
467
00:23:06,765 --> 00:23:07,605
Okay.
468
00:23:09,245 --> 00:23:10,085
Well, cheers.
469
00:23:15,245 --> 00:23:17,045
- All right?
- Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow.
470
00:23:17,125 --> 00:23:18,005
See you tomorrow.
471
00:23:26,045 --> 00:23:27,245
Look...
472
00:23:27,525 --> 00:23:28,445
Audrey Hepburn.
473
00:23:30,445 --> 00:23:31,885
Doesn't she look beautiful?
474
00:23:31,965 --> 00:23:34,605
- Brandy, you look so glamorous!- Oh...
475
00:23:34,685 --> 00:23:37,605
She's a laughing stock.
476
00:23:37,685 --> 00:23:38,685
It was her idea.
477
00:23:38,765 --> 00:23:40,685
- How long did that take?- I'd say...
478
00:23:40,765 --> 00:23:42,085
- ten minutes.- Brilliant.
479
00:23:48,125 --> 00:23:49,285
Happy with that.
480
00:23:54,925 --> 00:23:56,245
Bought you a little present.
481
00:23:56,885 --> 00:23:58,205
With the money you stole from me?
482
00:23:59,765 --> 00:24:00,765
- Yeah...
- Thoughtful.
483
00:24:14,245 --> 00:24:17,085
You... erm...
sure you don't want a bit of this in it?
484
00:24:19,005 --> 00:24:19,845
Yeah, go on.
485
00:24:21,445 --> 00:24:22,285
Sure?
486
00:24:23,245 --> 00:24:24,965
What's the worst that can happen?
487
00:24:25,445 --> 00:24:27,205
Well... this.
488
00:24:30,285 --> 00:24:32,165
Look, I'm sorry about the whole...
489
00:24:33,405 --> 00:24:35,805
robbing money thing. It's not really me.
490
00:24:36,205 --> 00:24:37,445
It's the disease, right?
491
00:24:39,005 --> 00:24:39,885
We've all got excuses.
492
00:24:43,085 --> 00:24:45,245
I still can't believe
we've got stuff in common.
493
00:24:48,045 --> 00:24:49,325
Both lost our partners,
494
00:24:50,285 --> 00:24:51,925
both trying to numb the pain,
495
00:24:52,525 --> 00:24:53,485
both losers.
496
00:24:54,165 --> 00:24:55,245
No offense,
497
00:24:55,325 --> 00:24:57,365
but I look at you, and I think,
498
00:24:57,885 --> 00:24:59,085
"Fuck me.
499
00:24:59,725 --> 00:25:00,565
I'm like that."
500
00:25:04,605 --> 00:25:05,485
No, you're not.
501
00:25:08,285 --> 00:25:13,925
♪ I don't believe
in an interventionist God ♪
502
00:25:18,885 --> 00:25:20,765
♪ But I know, darling... ♪
503
00:25:20,845 --> 00:25:22,005
Don't rob me!
504
00:25:22,085 --> 00:25:24,085
♪ That you do ♪
505
00:25:29,685 --> 00:25:35,005
♪ But if I did
I would kneel down and ask him ♪
506
00:25:39,965 --> 00:25:45,165
♪ Not to intervene
when it came to you... ♪
507
00:25:47,445 --> 00:25:50,965
♪ Oh, not to touch a hair on your head ♪
508
00:25:51,045 --> 00:25:53,365
♪ Leave you as you are ♪
509
00:25:53,445 --> 00:25:59,325
♪ If he felt he had to direct you
Then direct you into my arms ♪
510
00:26:01,765 --> 00:26:05,045
♪ Into my arms ♪
511
00:26:05,125 --> 00:26:06,485
♪ Oh, Lord ♪
512
00:26:07,165 --> 00:26:09,885
♪ Into my arms ♪
513
00:26:10,405 --> 00:26:11,485
♪ Oh, Lord ♪
514
00:26:12,325 --> 00:26:15,245
♪ Into my arms ♪
515
00:26:15,605 --> 00:26:17,205
♪ Oh, Lord ♪
516
00:26:17,605 --> 00:26:20,405
♪ Into my arms ♪
517
00:26:25,565 --> 00:26:30,565
♪ And I don't believe
in the existence of angels ♪
518
00:26:35,645 --> 00:26:40,885
♪ But looking at you
I wonder if that's true ♪
519
00:26:46,045 --> 00:26:50,725
♪ But if I did
I would summon them together... ♪
36222
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