Original subtitles

"Once upon a time there was a lovely princess

"But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort...

"which could only be broken by love's first kiss.

"She was locked away in a castle...

"guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.

"Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison.

"but none prevailed.

"She waited in the dragon's keep...

"in the highest room of the tallest tower...

for her true love and true love's first kiss."

Like that's ever gonna happen

- What a load of --

- Think it's in there? - All right. Let's get it!

Whoa Hold on. Do you know what thing can do to you?

Yeah it'll grind your bones for its bread.

Yes well actually that would be a giant.

Now ogres-- They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

- No! - They'll shave your liver.

Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

- Actually it's quite good on toast. - Back! Back beast!

Back! I warn ya!

-Right.

This is the part where you run away.

And stay out!

"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."

All right. This one's full

- Take it away!

- Move it along. Come on! Get up! - Next!

Give me that! Your flying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

- Get up! Come on! - Twenty pieces.

- Sit down there!

- Keep quiet!

This cage is too small.

Please don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give ma another chance!

-Oh shut up. -Oh! - Next!

-What have you got? - This little wooden puppet.

I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

Five shillings for the possessed toy.

- Take it away. - Father please! Don't let them do this!

- Help me! - Next. What have you got?

- Well I've got a talking donkey.

Right. Well that's good for ten shillings if you can prove it.

Oh go ahead little fella.

Well?

Oh oh he's just-- He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk you boneheaded dolt--

- That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! -No no he talks!

He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

- Get her out of my sight. -No no!

I swear! Oh! He can talk!

Hey! I can fly!

- He can fly! - He can fly!

- He can talk! Ha ha! That's right fool!

Now I'm a flying talking donkey.

Your right have seen a house fly maybe even a super fly

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly.

Ha ha!

Uh-oh.

Seize him!

After him! He's getting away!

Get him! This way! Turn!

You there. Ogre!

Aye?

By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you under arrest...

and transport you to a designated... resettlement facility.

Oh really? You and what army?

Can I say something to you?

Listen you was really really somethin' back there. Incredible!

Are you talkin' to-- me? Whoa!

Yes I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you was great back there? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up and bam!

They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods.

That really made me feel good to see that.

- Oh that's great. Really. - Man it's good to be free.

Now why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?

But uh I don't have any friends.

And I'm not goin' out there by myself.

Hey wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're a mean green fightin' machine.

Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.

Oh wow! That was really scary.

If you don't mind me sayin' if that don(t work your breath certainly will get the job done

'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something 'cause your breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose

just like the time--

Then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.

Why are you following me?

I'll tell you why.

'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

My problems have all gone

There's no one to deride me

But you gotta have friend--

Stop singing!

It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

Wow. Only a true friend would be that truly honest.

Listen little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

Uh--

-Really tall? - No! I'm an ogre.

You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks."

Doesn't that bother you?

Nope.

- Really? - Really really.

- Oh. - Man I like you. What's your name?

Uh Shrek.

Shrek? Well you know what I like about you Shrek?

You got a kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody- thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that Shrek. You alright.

Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in a place like that?

That would be my home.

Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful.

You are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget.

I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

I guess you don't entertain much do you?

I like my privacy.

You know I do too. That's another thing we have in common.

Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face.

You're trying to give them a hint and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

- Can I stay with you? - Uh what?

Can I stay with you please?

- Of course! - Really?

- No. - Please! I don't wanna go back there!

You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well maybe you do.

But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay!

- Please! Please! - Okay! Okay!

- But one night only. - Ah! Thank you!

- What are you-- No! No! - This is gonna be fun!

We can stay up late swappin' manly stories

and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

- Oh! - Where do uh I sleep?

Outside!

Oh well I guess that's cool.

I mean I don't know you and you don't know me

so I guess outside is best you know.

Here I go.

Good night.

I mean I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside I guess you know.

By myself outside.

I'm all alone. There's no one here beside me

I thought I told you to stay outside.

- I am outside.

Well gents it's a far cry from the farm but what choice do we have?

It's not home but it'll do just fine.

What a lovely bed.

- Got ya. - I found some cheese.

- Ow! - Blah! Awful stuff.

-Is that you Gorder? - How did you know?

Enough! What are you doing in my house?

Hey!

- Oh! no no no.

- Dead broad off the table. - Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

Huh?

What?

I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre!

What do I have to do to get a little privacy?

-Aah! - Oh no.

Oh no.

- No! No!

- What?

- Quit it. - Don't push.

What are you doing in my swamp?

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

- Oh dear!

Whoa!

All right get out of here. All of you move it!

Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

- Quickly. Come on! - No no!

No no. Not there. Not there.

- Oh!

Hey don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

Oh gosh no one invited us.

- What? - We were forced to come here.

- By who? - Lord Farquaad.

He huffed und he puffed und he... signed an eviction notice.

All right.

Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

- Oh I do. I know where he is.

Does anyone else know where to find him?

- Anyone at all? - Me! Me!

- Anyone? - Oh! Oh pick me!

Oh I know! I know! Me me!

Okay fine.

Attention all fairy tale things.

Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out.

In fact I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now...

and get you all off my land and back where you came from!

Oh! You!

You're comin' with me.

All right that's what I like to hear man

Shrek and donkey two stalwart friends off on a whirlwind big-city adventure.

I love it!

- On the road again

I can't wait to get on the road again

What did I say about singing?

- Can I whistle? - No.

- Can I hum it? - All right hum it.

That's enough. He's ready to talk.

Run run run as fast as you can.

You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!

- You're a monster. - I'm not the monster here. You are.

You and the rest of that fairy tale trash poisoning my perfect world.

Now tell me! Where are the others?

- Eat me!

I've tried to be fair to you creatures.

Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll--

No no not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

All right then. Who's hiding them?

Okay I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

- The muffin man? - The muffin man.

Yes I know the muffin man who lives on Drury Lane?

Well she's married to the muffin man.

- The muffin man? - The muffin man!

- She's married to the muffin man.

My lord! We found it.

Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

- Oh!

- Magic mirror-- - Don't tell him anything!

No!

- Evening.

Mirror mirror on the wall.

Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?

Well technically you're not a king.

Uh Thelonius.

- You were saying? - What I mean is you're not a king yet.

But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.

- Go on.

So just sit back and relax my lord

because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes.

And here they are!

Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far far away.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime.

Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters.

Please welcome Cinderella.

Bachelorette number two\is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy.

Although she lives with seven other men she's not easy.

Just kiss her dead frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is.

Come on. Give it up for Snow White!

And last but certainly not least

bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead...

from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava!

But don't let that cool you off.

She's a loaded pistol who likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain.

Yours for the rescuing Princess Fiona!

So will it be bachelorette number one

bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?

- Two! Two! - Three! Three!

- Two! Two! - Three!

Three? One? Three?

Three! Pick number three my lord!

Okay okay uh number three!

Lord Farquaad you've chosen Princess Fiona.

If you love pina coladas

- And getting caught in the rain - Princess Fiona.

- If you're not into yoga

All I have to do is just find someone who can go--

But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

- I'll do it. - Yes but after sunset--

Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen

and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!

Captain assemble your finest men.

We're going to have a tournament.

But that's it. That�s it right there. That's DuLoc.

I told ya I'd find it.

So that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

Uh-huh. That's the place.

Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

Hey wait. Wait up Shrek.

Hurry darling. We're late. Hurry.

- Hey you!

Wait a second. Look I'm not gonna eat ya.

- I just-- I just--

It's quiet.

Too quiet.

- Where is everybody? - Hey look at this!

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules Let us lay them down

Don't make waves stay inline and we'll get along fine

DuLoc is a perfect place

Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes wipe your... face

DuLoc is DuLoc is

DuLoc is a perfect

- Place

Wow! Let's do that again!

No. No. No no no! No.

Brave knights.

- You are the best and brightest in the land.

Today one of you shall prove himself--

All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

- Sorry about that.

That champion shall have the honor-- no no-- the privilege...

to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona...

from the fiery keep of the dragon

If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful

the first runner-up will take his place

and so on and so forth.

Some of you may die but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

Let the tournament begin!

- Oh!

- What is that?

- It's hideous! -Ah that's not very nice.

- It's just a donkey. Huh?

Indeed. Knights new plan!

The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have at him!

- Get him! - Oh hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

Go ahead! Get him!

Can't we just settle this over a pint?

Kill the beast!

No? All right then.

Come on!

I don't give a damn about my reputation

-You've living in the past It's a new generation

she wants to do

And that's what I'm gonna do

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh no no no no no Not me

Me me me

- Hey Shrek tag me! Tag me!

And I don't give a damn about my reputation

Never said I wanted to improve my station

Ah!

And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun

And I don't have to please no one

The chair! Give him the chair!

And I don't give damn about my bad reputation

Oh no no no no no Not me

Me me me

Oh no no no no

Not me not me

-Not me

Oh yeah! Ah! Ah!

Thank you! Thank you very much!

I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha ha!

Shall I give the order sir?

No I have a better idea.

People of DuLoc I give you our champion!

- What? - Congratulations ogre.

You've won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.

Quest? I'm already on a quest a quest to get my swamp back.

- Your swamp? - Yeah my swamp!

Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures!

- Indeed.

All right ogre I'll make you a deal.

Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back.

Exactly the way it was?

Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

- And the squatters? - As good as gone.

What kind of quest?

Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon...

and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp...

which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

- Is that about right? - Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him?

Throttle him lay siege to his fortress

grind his bones to make your bread the whole ogre trip.

Oh I know what.

Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village...

and put their heads on a pike

gotten a knife cut open their spleen and drink their fluids.

Does that sound good to you?

Uh no not really no.

For your information there's a lot more to ogres than people think.

- Example? - Example?

- Okay um ogres are like onions. - They stink?

- Yes-- No! - They make you cry? - No!

You leave them out in the sun they get all brown start sproutin' little white hairs.

No! Layers!

Onions have layers.

Ogres have layers! Onions have layers.

You got it? We both have layers.

Oh you both have layers. Oh.

You know not everybody likes onions.

Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

I don't care... what everyone likes.

Ogres are not like cakes.

You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits.

Have you ever met a person you say "Let's get some parfait"

they say "No I don't like no parfait"?

- Parfaits are delicious. - No!

You dense irritating miniature beast of burden!

Ogres are like onions! End of the story.

Bye-bye. See ya later.

Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

You know I think I preferred your humming.

Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess.

Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.

Ooh! Shrek! Did you do that?

You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open.

Believe me Donkey if it was me you'd be dead.

It's brimstone.

- We must be getting close. - Yeah right brimstone.

Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It's wasn't no brimstone.

It didn't come off no stone neither.

Sure it's big enough but look at the location.

Uh Shrek? Uh remember when you said ogres have layers?

Oh aye.

Well I have a bit of a confession to make.

Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

- Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. - You know what I mean.

You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of lava!

Come on Donkey. I'm right here beside ya okay?

For emotional support

we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.

- Really? - Really really.

- Okay that makes me feel so much better. - Just keep moving.

- And don't look down. Okay don't look down. Don't look down.

Don't look down.\Keep on moving. Don't look down.

Shrek! I'm lookin' down!

Oh God I can't do this! Just let me off please!

- But you're already halfway. - But I know that half is safe!

Okay fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

- Shrek no! Wait! - Just Donkey--

- Let's have a dance then shall we? - Don't do that!

Oh I'm sorry. Do what?

- Oh this? - Yes that!

Yes? Yes do it. Okay.

No Shrek!

- No! Stop it! - You said do it! I'm doin' it.

I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek I'm gonna die.

Oh!

That'll do Donkey. That'll do.

Cool.

So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

Inside waiting for us to rescue her.

I was talkin' about the dragon Shrek.

You afraid?

No but-- Shh.

Oh good. Me neither.

'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid.

Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation.

Unfamiliar dangerous situation I might add.

With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire

it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared.

I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

Donkey two things okay?

Shut... up.

Now go over there and see\if you can find any stairs.

Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.

- What makes you think she'll be there? - I read it in a book once.

Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs.

I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too.

Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.

I'm gonna take drastic steps.

Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master.

I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.

Well at least we know where the princess is but where's the--

Dragon!

Donkey look out!

- Got ya!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Oh! Aah! Aah!

No. Oh no. No!

- Oh what large teeth you have.

I mean white sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all the time from your food

but you must bleach 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there.

Do I detect a hint of minty freshness?

And you know what else? You're-- you're a girl dragon!

Oh sure! I mean of course you're a girl dragon.

You're just reeking off feminine beauty.

What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye?

Ooh. Oh. Oh.

Man I'd really love to stay but you know I'm uh--

I'm an asthmatic and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings.

Shrek!

No! Shrek! Shrek!

Shrek!

Oh! Oh!

- Wake up! - What?

Are you Princess Fiona?

I am awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

Oh that's nice. Now let's go!

But wait Sir Knight.

This be-ith our first meeting.

Should it not be a wonderful romantic moment?

- Yeah sorry lady. There's no time. - Hey wait. What are you doing?

You should sweep me off my feet...

out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

You've had a lot of time to plan this haven't you?

Mm-hmm.

But we have to savor this moment!

You could recite an epic poem for me.

A ballad? A sonnet!

- A limerick? Or something! - I don't think so.

Can I at least know the name of my champion?

Um Shrek.

Sir Shrek.

I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

Thanks!

You didn't slay the dragon?

- It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

But this isn't right!

You were meant to charge in sword drawn banner flying.

That's what all the other knights did.

Yeah right before they burst into flame.

That's not the point. Oh!

Wait. Where are you going? The exit's over there.

Well I have to save my ass.

What kind of knight are you?

One of a kind.

Slow down. Slow down baby please.

I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time.

Just call me old-fashioned.

I don't want to rush into a physical relationship.

I'm not that emotionally ready for commitment of uh this--

Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for.

Magnitude-- Hey that is unwanted physical contact.

Hey what are you doing?

Okay okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time.

We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals.

I'm on the road a lot but I just love receiving cards--

I'd really love to stay but--

Don't do that. That's my tail! That's my personal tail.

You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission-- What are you gonna do with that?

Hey now. No way. No! No!

No no! No. No no no! No! Oh!

- Hi Princess! - It talks!

Yeah it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

Oh!

Okay you two head for the exit!

I'll take care of the dragon.

- You did it!

You rescued me! You're amazing. You're--

You're wonderful. You're...

a little unorthodox I'll admit.

But thy deed is great and thine heart is pure.

- I am eternally in your debt.

And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.

The battle is won.

You may remove your helmet good Sir Knight.

- Uh no. - Why not?

I have helmet hair.

Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

No no you wouldn't-- 'st.

But how will you kiss me?

What? That wasn't in the job description.

Maybe it's a perk.

No. It's destiny. Oh you must know how it goes.

A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon...

is rescue by a brave knight

and then they share true love's first kiss.

Hmm? With Shrek? You think-- Wait.

Wait. You think Shrek is your true love?

Well yes.

You think that Shrek is your true love!

What is so funny?

Let's just say I'm not your type okay?

Of course you are. You're my rescuer.

Now-- Now remove your helmet.

Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

- Just take off the helmet. - I'm not going to.

- Take it off! - No!

- Now! - Okay!

Easy. As you command Your Highness.

You-- You're a-- an ogre.

Oh you were expecting Prince Charming.

Well yes actually.

Oh no. This is all wrong.

You're not supposed to be an ogre.

Princess I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad okay?

He's the one who wants to marry you.

Then why didn't he come to rescue me?

Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

But I have to be rescued by my true love

not by some ogre and his-- his pet.

Well so much for noble steed.

Look princess. You're not making my job any easier.

Well I'm sorry but your job is not my problem.

You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly

I'll be waiting for him right here.

Hey I'm no one�s messenger boy all right? I'm a delivery boy.

You wouldn't dare.

- Ya comin' Donkey? - Put me down!

Yeah I'm right behind ya.

Put me down or you will suffer the consequences!

This is not dignified! Put me down!

Okay so here's another question.

Say there's a woman that digs you right but you don't really like her that way.

How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt

but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?

You just tell her she's not your true love.

Everyone knows it what happens when you find your--

Hey!

The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

Oh yeah. You're gonna love it there Princess. It's beautiful!

And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

Well, let me put it this way Princess.

Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.

I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

Stop it. Stop it both of you.

You know you're just jealous that you can never measure up to a great ruler like lord Farquaad.

Yeah. Well maybe you're right Princess.

But I'd let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

Tomorrow? It's take that long?

- Shouldn't we stop to make camp? - No that'll take longer.

- We can keep going. - But there are robbers in the woods.

Whoa! Time out Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.

Hey. Come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.

I need to find somewhere to camp now!

- Hey! over here. - Shrek we can do better than that.

Now I don't think this is fit for a princess.

No no it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

- Homey touches? Like what?

A door? Well gentlemen I bid thee good night.

Do you want me to come in and read you a bedtime story? 'cause I will.

I said good night!

Shrek what are you doing?

I just-- You know-- Oh come on.

I was just kidding.

And uh that one that's Throwback

the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields.

Right. Yeah.

Hey can you tell my future form these stars?

Well the stars don't tell the future Donkey. They tell stories.

Look there's Bloodnut the Flatulent.

- You can guess what he is famous for. - All right. Now I know you're making this up.

No. Look. There he is

and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.

Man there ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.

You know donkey sometimes things are more than they appear.

Hmm?

Forget it.

Hey Shrek what we gonna do when we get our swamp back anyway?

Our swamp?

You know. When we're through rescuing the princess and all that stuff.

We? Donkey there is no "we". There's no "our".

There's just me and my swamp.

And the first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land.

You cut me deep Shrek.

You cut me real deep just now.

You know what I think?

I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.

- No do ya think? - Are you hidin' something?

Never mind Donkey.

Oh this is another one of those onion things isn't it?

No this is one of those drop-it and leave-it-alone things.

- Why don't you want to talk about it? - Why do you want to talk about it?

- Oh Why you block? - I'm not blocking.

- Oh yes you are. - Donkey I'm warning you.

- Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that Shrek. Who? - Everyone! Okay?

Oh now we're gettin' somewhere.

Oh for 'the love of Pete!

Hey what's your problem Shrek? What do you got against the whole world anyway?

Look. I'm not the one with the problem okay?

It's the world that seems to have a problem with me.

People take one look at me and go "Aah! Help! Run!

A big stupid ugly ogre!"

They judge me before they even know me.

That's why I'm better off alone.

You know what?

When we met I didn't think you're was just a big stupid ugly ogre.

Yeah I know.

So uh are there any donkeys up there?

Well there's um Gabby

the Small and Annoying.

Okay okay. I see it now. The big shiny one right there. That's one there?

- That's the moon. - Oh okay.

Again. Show me again.

Mirror mirror show her to me. Show me the princess.

- Hmph.

Ah. Perfect.

Mmm yeah you know I like it like that.

- Oh come on baby. I said I like it. - Donkey wake up.

- Huh? What? - Wake up.

- What? - Good morning.

How do you like your eggs?

- Good morning Princess! - What's all this about?

You know we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday.

I wanted to make it up to you.

I mean after all you did rescue me.

- Uh thanks.

Well eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

- Shrek!

What? It's a compliment.

Better out than in I always say.

- Well it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

- Thanks - She's as nasty as you are.

You know you're not exactly what I expected.

Well maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

La libert�! Hey!

Princess!

- What are you doing?

Be still mon cherie for I am your savior!

And I am rescuing you from this green--

- beast. - Hey!

That's my princess! Go find your own!

Please monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

Look pal. I don't know who you think you are!

Oh of course! How rude that was.

Please let me introduce myself.

Oh Merry Men!

Tadahdahdahwhoo

I steal from the rich and give to the needy

- He takes a wee percentage - But I'm not greedy

I rescue pretty damsels Man I'm good

- What a guy Monsieur Hood

I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid

- What he's basically saying is he likes to get-- - Paid

- So - When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush

- That's bad - That's bad

When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad

He's mad He's really really mad

I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart

Keep your eyes on me boys 'cause I'm about to start

Man that was annoying!

Oh you little...

Um shall we?

- Hold the phone.

Oh! Whoa! whoa whoa. Hold on now.

- Where did that come from? - What?

That! Back there. That was amazing!

Where did you learn that?

Well-- When one lives alone

uh one has to learn these things in case there's a--

- There is an arrow in your butt! - What?

- What? Oh would you look at that? - Oh no. This is all my fault.

- I'm so sorry. Why? What's wrong?

- Shrek's hurt. - Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh no Shrek's gonna die.

- Donkey I'm okay. You can't do this to me Shrek. I'm too young for you to die.

Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head and cough.

- Does anyone know the Heimlich? - Donkey! Calm down.

If you want to help Shrek run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.

Blue flower red thorns. Okay I'm on it. Blue flower red thorns.

Don't die Shrek. And if you see a long tunnel stay away from the light!

- Donkey! - Oh yeah. Right. Blue Flower red thorns.

Blue flower red thorns. - What are the flowers for?

- For getting rid of the Donkey. - Ah.

Now you hold still and I'll yank this thing out.

Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.

- I'm sorry but it has to come out. - No it's tender.

Now hold on.

What you're doing here is the opposite of help. - Don't move.

- Look time out. - Would you--

Okay. What do you propose we do?

Blue flower red thorns. Blue flower red thorns. Blue flower red thorns.

This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind!

- Blue flower red thorns. - Ow!

Hold on Shrek! I'm comin'!

Ow! Not good.

- Okay. Okay I can nearly see the head.

- It's just about-- - Ow! Ohh!

Ahem.

Nothing happened. We were just uh--

Look if you wanted to be alone all you had to do is ask.

Oh come on! That's the last thing on my mind.

The princess here was just-- Ugh!

- Ow! - Hey what's that?

That's-- Is that blood?

Hey!

There it is Princess.

Your future awaits you.

- That's Duloc? - Yeah I know.

You know Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something

which I think means he has a really-- Ow!

Um I uh--

- I guess we better move on. - Sure.

But Shrek?

- I'm-- I'm worried about Donkey.

- What? - I mean look at him.

- He doesn't look so good. - What are you talking about? I'm fine.

Well that's what they always say and the next thing you know you're on your back.

- Dead. - You know she's right.

You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

- You know I'll make you up some tea. - Well I didn't want to say nothin'

but I've got this twinge in my neck and when I turn my head like this look.

- Ow! See?

- Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. - I'll get the firewood.

Hey where are you goin'? Oh man I can't feel my toes!

I don't have any toes!

I think I need a hug.

Mmm.

Mmm. This is good. This is really good.

- What is this? - Uh weed rat.

Rotisserie style.

No kidding.

Well this is delicious.

Well they're also great in stews.

Now I don't mean to brag but I make a mean weed rat stew.

I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime.

I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you.

Swamp toast soup fish eye tartar-- you name it.

I'd like that.

Um Princess?

- Yes Shrek?

- I um I was wondering

Are you--

Are you gonna eat that?

Man isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. - Sunset?

Oh no! I mean it's late.

- I-It's very late. - What?

Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here.

- You're afraid of the dark aren't you? - Yes!

Yes that's it. I'm terrified. You know I'd better go inside.

But don't feel bad Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark too until--

Hey no wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

- Good night.

Good night.

- Ohh!

Oh what are you talkin' about?

I don't even wanna hear it. Look I'm an animal and I got instincts.

I know that you two are diggin' on each other. I could feel it.

Oh you're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

Oh come on Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones.

- Just go in and tell her how you feel. - I--

There's nothing to tell. Besides even if I did tell her that

well you know--

and I'm not sayin' that I do 'cause I don't--

she's a princess and I'm--

An ogre?

Yeah. An ogre.

- Hey where are you goin'? - To get... more firewood.

Princess?

Princess Fiona?

Princess where are you?

Princess?

It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

- Aah! - Oh no! - No help!

- Shh! - Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! - No it's okay. It's okay.

- What did you do with the princess? -Donkey shhh I'm the princess.

- Aah! - It's me in this body.

Oh my God! You ate the princess!

- Can you hear me? - Donkey!

- Listen keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! - No!

- Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! - Shh.

- Shrek! - This is me.

Princess?

What happened to you? You're uh uh

uh different.

- I'm ugly okay? - Well yeah!

Was it something that you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea.

- You are what you eat I said. Now-- -No.

I-- I've been this way as long as I can remember.

What do you mean? Look I ain't never seen you like this before.

It only happens when the sun goes down.

"By night one way by day another.

"This shall be the norm...

"until you find true love's first kiss...

and then take love's true form."

Ah that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

It's a spell.

When I was a little girl

a witch cast a spell on me.

Every night I become this.

This horrible ugly beast!

I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me.

That's why I have to marry lord Farquaad tomorrow...

before the sun sets and he sees me...

like this.

All right all right. Calm down. Look it's not that bad.

You're not that ugly. Well I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly.

But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

But Donkey I'm a princess

and this is not how a princess is meant to look.

Princess how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

I have to.

Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

But you know you're kind of an ogre

and Shrek-- well you've got a lot in common.

Shrek?

Princess I-- Uh how's it going first of all?

Good? Um good for me too.

I'm okay.

I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and--

well I don't really like it but I thought you may like it 'cause you're pretty.

But I like you anyway. I'd-- uh uh--

I'm in trouble. Okay here we go.

I can't just marry whoever I want.

Take a good look at me Donkey.

I mean really

who could ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

"Princess" and "ugly" don't go together.

- That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.

My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

- Don't you see Donkey?

That's just how it has to be.

It's the only way to break the spell.

- You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. - No!

You can't breathe the word. No one must ever know.

What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

Promise you won't tell. Promise!

All right all right. I won't tell him. But you should.

I just know before this is over I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

- Look at my eye twitchin'.

I tell him I tell him not.

I tell him I tell him not.

I tell him.

Shrek!

Shrek there's something I want--

Shrek.

- Are you all right? - Perfect!

Never been better.

I-- I don't-- There's something I have to tell you.

You don't have to tell me anything Princess.

- I heard enough last night. - You heard what I said?

Every word.

I thought you'd understand?

Oh I understand!

Like you said "Who could love a hideous ugly beast?"

But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

Yeah well it does.

- Ah right on time.

Princess I brought you a little something.

What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

Princess Fiona.

As promised. Now hand it over.

Very well ogre. The deed to your swamp cleared out as agreed.

Take it and go before I change my mind.

Forgive me Princess for startling you

but you startled me

For I've never seen such a radiant beauty before.

I am lord Farquaad.

Lord Farquaad? Oh no no.

- Forgive me my lord for I was just saying...

a short... farewell.

That is so sweet. You don't have to raise good manners on the ogre.

It's not like it has feelings.

No. You're right. It doesn't.

Princess Fiona beautiful fair flawless Fiona.

- I ask your hand in marriage.

Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

Lord Farquaad I accept. Nothing would make--

Excellent! I'll start the plans for tomorrow we wed!

No! I mean uh

Why wait?

Let's get married today before the sun sets.

Oh anxious are we? You're right.

The sooner the better. There's so much to do!

There is the caterer the cake the band the guest list.

Captain round up some guests.

Fare-thee-well ogre.

Shrek what are you doing? You let her get away.

- Yeah? So what? - Shrek there's something about her you don't know.

Look I talked to her last night. She's

Yeah I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals aren't ya?

Now if you two are such good friends why didn't you follow her home?

Shrek I-- I wanna go with you.

I told you didn't I? You're not coming home with me.

I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else!

Understand? Nobody!

Especially useless pathetic annoying talking donkeys!

- But. I thought - Yeah. You know what?

You thought wrong!

Shrek.

Donkey?

- What are you doing?

I would think of all the people you would recognize a wall when you see one.

Well yeah.

But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp not through it.

It is around your half. See that's your half and this is my half.

Oh your half? Hmm.

Yes my half. I helped rescue the princess.

I did half the work I get half the booty.

Now hand me that big old rock the one that looks like your head.

- Back off! - No you back off.

- This is my swamp! - Our swamp.

- Let go Donkey! - You let go.

- Stubborn jackass! - Smelly ogre.

Fine!

- Hey hey come back here. I'm not through with you yet. - Well I'm through with you.

Uh-uh. Well you know with you it's always "Me me me!"

Well guess what! Now it's my turn!

So you just shut up and pay attention!

You are mean to me.

You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

Oh yeah? Well if I treated you so bad how come you came back?

Because that's what friend do! They forgive each other!

Oh yeah. You're right Donkey.

I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!

Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers onion boy you're afraid of your own feelings.

- Go away! - There you are doing it again just like you did to Fiona.

And all she ever do was like you maybe even love you.

Love me? She said I was ugly a hideous creature.

I heard the two of you talking.

She wasn't talking about you.

She was talking about uh somebody else.

She wasn't talking about me?

Well then who was she talking about?

Uh-uh no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.

- Right? Right? - Donkey!

- No! - Okay look.

I'm sorry all right?

Hmph.

I'm sorry.

I guess I am just a big stupid ugly ogre.

Can you forgive me?

Hey that's the friends are for right?

Right. Friends?

Friends.

So um

what did Fiona say about me?

What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

Ha-ha-ha! Never fear for where there's a will there's a way.

And I have a way.

- Donkey?

I guess this is just my animal magnetism.

Aw come here you.

All right all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.

All right hop on and hold on tight.

I hadn't have a chance to install seat belts yet.

Whoo!

People of DuLoc

we gather here today...

to bear witness...

- to the union... - Um--

- of our new king-- - Excuse me.

- Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

Go on.

Go ahead have some fun. If we need you I'll whistle. How about that?

Shrek wait wait! Wait a minute!

- You want to do this right don't you? - What are you talking about?

There's a line There's a line you gotta wait for.

The preacher's gonna say "Speak now or forever hold your peace."

- That's when you say "I object!" - I don't have time for this!

Wait wait. What are you doing? Listen to me!

- Look you love this woman don't you? - Yes.

- You wanna hold her? - Yes.

- Please her? - Yes!

Then you got to got to try a little tenderness

- The chicks love that romantic crap! - All right! Cut it out.

- When does this guy say the line? - We gotta check it out.

- And so by the power vested in me

- What do you see? - The whole town's in there.

- I know pronounce you husband and wife - They're at the altar.

- king and queen. - Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

- Oh for the love of Pete!

I object!

- Shrek?

Oh now what does he want?

Hi everyone. Havin' a good time are ya?

I love DuLoc first of all.

- Very clean. - What are you doing here?

Really it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you.

- but showing up uninvited to a wedding-- - Fiona!

- I need to talk to you. - Oh now you wanna talk?

Well it's a little late for that so if you'll excuse me--

- But you can't marry him. - And why not?

Because-- Because he's just marrying you so he can be king.

Outrageous! Fiona don't listen to him.

- He's not your true love. - And what do you know about true love?

Well I-- Uh--

I mean-- - Oh this is precious.

the ogre has fallen in love with the princess!

- Oh good Lord.

An ogre and a princess!

Shrek is this true?

Who cares? It's preposterous!

Fiona my love we're but a kiss away for our "happily ever after."

Now kiss me! Mmmm!

"By night one way by day another."

I wanted to show you before.

Well uh

that explains a lot.

Ugh! It's disgusting!

Guards! Guards!

I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them!

- Get them both! - No no!

This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding and that makes me king!

- See? See? - No let go of me! Shrek!

- No! Don't just stand there you morons.

Get out of my way! Fiona!

Arrgh!

I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!

- You'll beg for death to save you! - No! Shrek!

- And as for you my wife. - Fiona!

I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

- I am king!

I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have--

Aaah!

- Aah! - All right. Nobody move.

I got a dragon here and I'm not afraid to use it.

- I'm a donkey on the edge!

Celebrity marriages. They never last do they?

Go ahead Shrek.

Uh Fiona?

Yes Shrek?

I-- I love you.

Really?

Really really.

I love you too.

Aawww!

"Until you find true love's first kiss...

and then take love's true form."

"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

Fiona?

Fiona.

Are you all right?

Well yes.

But I don't understand.

I'm supposed to be beautiful.

But you are beautiful.

I was hoping this would be a happy ending.

Oy!

God bless us every one.

Come on y'all! Ha ha!

- Ooh! - Uh!

Oh that's funny. Oh. Oh.

I can't breathe. I can't breathe.