All language subtitles for man.with.a.plan.s04e05.internal.720p.web.x264-trump[eztv]-eng

ADAM:
Andi, is that you?

Yeah.

I'm in the bathroom
and I forgot my phone.

Ask me some trivia questions.

Okay, here's one:

whose wife doesn't
like talking to you

while you're in the bathroom?

But it's just me
and my thoughts.

It's like 1980 in here.

Andi?

Siri?

Anybody?

It's funny, you always want to
talk to me when I'm watching TV,

but you know where
I'm a captive audience?

The Admirals Club.

I told you I had two rules
when we got married.

All right? No cheating and no
talking to me from the bathroom.

Oh, and if you do cheat, she's
not gonna like that, either.

Hey, Mom?

Since there's no school today,

will you take me
and my friends dress shopping

for the spring formal?

You mean drop you off?

No, it has to pass dress code so
we need an old person's opinion.

It'll only take, like,
four or five hours.

Well, I can't think of a reason
why not. (chuckles)

Unfortunately.

Is Dylan going to the dance?

I don't know. He was like, "Eh,"
and I was like, "Yeah,"

and we were like, "Meh,"
you know?

LOLA:
Totes.

You're always like, "What?"
and he's like, "What?"

and we're like, "Whoa."

Uh, excuse me,

do you know what they're saying?

I mean, you seem normal,

but maybe that's because
you haven't talked yet.

Uh, Kate, your dad's talking
to me and it's, like, you know?

Nope. She's just
like the other ones.

All right, girls, I'll take you.

Thanks, Mom.
(chuckles)

Sup. Any of you gals
want to share a Go-Gurt

with a good listener?

(laughter)

Nice try, Teddy.

You see the way they noticed me?

I can't believe I have

to spend the whole day
at the mall with them.

Yeah, that's not fun.
(chuckles)

You buy them a five dollar
pretzel and they take one bite.

They don't have the attention
span to get through a pretzel.

Last time I took them,
I tried on a hat

and they laughed about it
for three hours.

Listen, honey, if I could
take the girls, I would.

Oh. Great.

- They're all yours.
- What?

No, no, no. No.

I was just being nice.

Let me say things I don't mean.

That's how
a good marriage works.

- Oh.
- Uh, what are you doing out there?

Well, I was waiting
for a lull in the conversation.

Then I got interested,
like a good podcast.

Is Adam going to keep talking
to you from the bathroom?

Will Teddy ever find love?

Hmm...

Why are you here?

Uh, I stopped by
on my way to the office

to tell you
Don's not coming in today.

He has to take care
of his grandson Parker.

Oh, please.

This is just his latest
scam to get out of work.

All right, you go to the office,

put on a pot of coffee.
I will be right there

as soon as I bust Don.

No, he could be
telling the truth.

I mean, I know Parker's
staying with them.

He's not taking care of that kid
with his wife in the house.

(laughs):
What's that supposed to mean?

Parker's a kid.
Marcy is a woman.

What's that supposed to mean?

Don't answer,
just curl up into a ball.

I can answer because I have

science on my side.

Women are designed
to take care of kids.

You have special body parts
that make food.

Nothing that comes out of me
helps anybody.

Well, technically,
men can lactate.

I'll wait outside.

What you said is so sexist.

Sexist?

Your body provides anything
a child could need.

You're like 7-Eleven for babies.

And if you have
a problem with that,

take it up with Mother Nature,
a woman.

Right, Lowell?

You're the bravest man
I've ever known!

♪ ♪

Okay. You don't like spaghetti.

He doesn't like spaghetti.

I've got to say,

I didn't believe
you were really watching him.

But I can tell it's true
'cause it is not going well.

DON:
Hey, Parker,

why don't you go in there
and not be in here for a while?

You look like Frankenstein.

Hurts every time.

Where's Marcy?

Marcy's had food poisoning
for two days,

so I'm taking care
of my grandson.

Ah.

He might not be a nice person.

I got problems, too.

I just got into a whole thing
with Andi about feminism.

You know how hard it is
to explain feminism to a woman?

Ooh, chicken salad.
Now we're talking.

No, no, no. Put that back.
It's what made Marcy sick.

Well, then,
why don't you throw it away?

That's Marcy's job.
She puts stuff in the trash,

I take the trash out.
I stay in my lane.

Where's my sweet
great-grandbaby?

Mom, Dad, Marcy's sick.
Will you watch Parker for me?

Oh. N-No, we're-we're
not hands-on anymore.

We visit the zoo,
we don't handle the animals.

Come on, Bev. Reverse engines.

You know, I'd feel bad for you
if it wasn't so funny.

Marcy, you're up, you're better.

You can take care of Parker.

I-I'm a little better.

I still need the weekend
to recuperate.

What's that?

I'm taking out my trash.

I take out the trash.

Okay? Stay in your lane, baby.

By the way, Parker told me that
you tried to feed him spaghetti.

Only animals eat
spaghetti for breakfast.

Hey.

Does she still look sick to you?

Well, her color's good,
she's not sweaty

and she hurt my feelings.

I'd say she's in top form.

I think she's better,
but she's milking it.

Oh. Well, let's find out.

Let's see what she's been up to
by going through her trash.

That's how they got bin Laden.

Empty bag
of Flamin' Hot Cheetos.

People with food poisoning
don't eat flamin' hot anything.

She's playing you, man.

And she was trying to
get rid of the evidence.

I can't believe she's lying

just to get out
of helping around here.

Well, maybe she's trying
to get you back

for that time you did it to her
for 25 years.

Oh, there's a woman. Are you
here to take care of the kid?

No, I'm here
to take care of Marcy.

She called and told me
how sick she is.

Oh, which means
you'll have to take

the girls shopping
this afternoon.

What? No. Marcy's fine.

Look what I found in her trash.

Flamin' Hot Cheetos.

You went through
a sick woman's trash?

Yeah... I am appalled.

It fell open. Uh...

Uh-huh.

Look, I'm taking care of Marcy,
and you are going to the mall.

Did you see that?

She didn't answer
about the Cheetos.

She accused me
of doing something wrong.

That's deflection.

She hit me
with some verbal judo.

I don't get judo.

Judo's like karate
for when you're not that mad.

You really just zone in
on one word, don't you?

Pay attention.

The only reason
Andi would do that

is if she knows
Marcy's not sick anymore.

Which means she's in on it, too.

Which means they're both
a couple of flamin' hot liars.

Which you thought was funny when
it was only happening to me.

Well, now it's happening to me.

I can't be following teenagers
around the mall all day.

I just turned 50.

Every minute I have
left is precious.

Go tell your wife
you know she's faking it.

No way. The last time I accused
Marcy of faking something,

it almost ruined our honeymoon.

All right, listen, listen.

We know what they're doing,
but they'll just deny it.

And they're good with words
that make you feel bad.

Like "appalled."

- That's a principal's office word.
- Mm.

Well, there's only
one move left.

Way ahead of you.
We let them get away with it.

Nope.

We poison you.

Or we do my thing.

Don't think of it
as bad chicken,

think of it as freedom chicken.

Just take one bite,
get a little sick.

I don't want to.

It'll be worth it.

Marcy gets up
and takes care of the kid,

Andi doesn't have
to take care of Marcy,

so she takes the girls shopping.

Everybody wins.

I won't win. I'll be sick.

No, no. You'll be a hero.

Will you call me that
in front of other people?

Probably not, but maybe.

(exhales)

What if I get caught?

You won't.

I have dipped my toe
in these dark waters before.

One time, when Teddy was
little and got strep throat

and nobody was
getting any sleep,

I brushed my teeth
with his toothbrush.

It was the perfect crime.

Two days in bed,
unlimited Jell-O.

No, it's not worth it.

MARCY:
Don!

It's time for Parker's bath!

I'm glad you called.
A day off is fun.

I've realized there's
an upside to being sick.

I enjoyed lying in bed

watching Don
do all the work for a change.

Yeah, one time when
the kids were little,

Adam got strep throat and part
of me thought he enjoyed it.

(chuckles)

Wait, but be careful
with those Cheetos,

they might be catching on
that you're feeling better.

Nah, it's fine.

I'll just tell them
that I'm testing

my body to see
how much it can take.

That's just good medicine.

Well, I am happy
to jump on board.

Okay? 'Cause there was no way I
was taking those girls shopping

after what Adam
said this morning.

"Women have different
body parts.

You can make your own food."

How dare he?

Right?

(scoffs)

I mean, yes, it's true.

Yeah, but it's not
very nice to say.

LOWELL:
And then,

Adam tells me to make coffee
because he'll "be right there."

Two hours later, no Adam,
no phone call, no nothing.

Try being the middle kid.

I haven't been to the dentist
in a year and a half.

You're a good listener, Teddy.

Parker just said
I look like Shrek.

Do you see it?

Maybe in the shoulders.

Are you feeling anything?

Nothing. I think
I have to eat more.

Hey, don't overdo it.

Remember when you tried
those pot brownies

before the Van Halen concert?

You ate too many,
we had to leave early,

and you rode all the way home
with your head out the window

like a dog.

A dog that could see
into other dimensions.

I'm eating more.

Is it happening?

I don't know.

Maybe it was just
that last bite landing.

Nope, it's on.

See you on the
other side, brother.

KATE:
Dad!

Teddy started doing
push-ups outside my room,

and now my friends
think he's weird.

I only did three.

But I started counting at 98.

You do listen to me.

I think it's time
to head upstairs

and do some curls for the girls.

Teddy, no!

Teddy, leave your
sister's friends alone!

What a guy.

(sighs)

You're not gonna believe this.

Don is sick now.

What?

That is a crazy turn of events.

Yeah, so I came home, because
Marcy has to watch Parker.

Well...

at least now, you can
take the girls to the mall.

Oh, well... but you were
already planning on it.

So why not you?

Or why not you?

- Or why not you?
- Okay.

You know what,

let's not be childish
about this.

- Okay. Yeah.
- Okay?

Kate, your dad's ready
to take you to the mall!

Or your mom!

One of us!

My money's on your mom!

What are you doing?

Look, I...

I just don't want to go.

Well, I don't want to go either.

Okay, you know what,

this is clearly a thorny issue.

Let's keep talking about it.

Well, great.

Okay, well, first of all,
in terms of mall trips,

I have definitely done
more of those...

Keep talking.

I'm in the bathroom,
but I am listening.

So I got Don to eat
the chicken salad,

and now Andi is at the mall.

And you're proud of this?

A little bit, yeah.

My generation handed down
a paradise to our sons.

Men didn't lift a finger.

And then some sap comes along,

smokes a jazz cigarette
and says,

"I don't think I'm doing
enough around the house."

Hey, we're holding our own.

You've sunk so low,
you're poisoning yourselves.

Face it, you've lost
the battle of the sexes.

I... We didn't lose.

We're just using
guerilla warfare now.

You wouldn't get it.
It's very tactical.

I'm basically a Navy SEAL.

(door opens)

So you're not dead in a ditch.

(phone rings)

And your phone works.
Interesting.

I made six pots of coffee!

I'm sorry, Lowell, I got busy

and forgot to tell you
I wasn't coming in.

And?

Uh...

And from now on,
I will try to be

more sensitive to your feelings.

Thank you.

What?

Teddy Roosevelt wouldn't even
recognize you as a man.

I got your text.
What's the code red?

You're not going to believe what
Don told me those idiots did.

DON:
Marcy, it burns.

Good!

(door opens)

- Hey, honey.
- Hey.

Where you been?

Oh, that's right, the mall.
(chuckles)

Why, wh-what do you got there?

Oh.

Uh, I stopped by to
check on Don and Marcy,

and I found this chicken salad.

Huh.

I had no idea they had that.

Yeah, well, I figured
they're too sick to eat it,

so I thought I'd
make you a sandwich.

It'll make me so happy
to watch you eat it.

You know what, I, uh...

I think I'm done eating chicken.

Really?

Yeah.

You ever hold a chicken
in your arms? Huh?

It's pretty beautiful.

It'll lay its little beak
right there on your shoulder.

(clucks)

Okay, well,
if you don't want it,

I guess I'll eat it.

Okay, go ahead.

I'm gonna do it, Adam.
I'm gonna take a bite.

Well, if you want to,
you should.

Your body, your choice.

That's equal rights.

Stop!

Why? What's the problem?

Okay, I should probably
admit... Wait.

Before I do,
how much do you know?

Everything.

Don told Marcy everything.

You poisoned your own brother
to get out of going to the mall.

Yes, I did.

But your hands
aren't clean either.

You knew Marcy
wasn't sick anymore,

but you pretended
to take care of her

so you could get out
of going to the mall.

You would accuse me of that?

You... I am appalled.

Oh, oh, you're appalled
again, huh?

Not this time, sister.

You're just trying to
make me feel bad

to cover up your own crimes.

My crimes are nothing
compared to yours.

You said all that stuff about

women and body parts,
so I got mad.

I've been telling you my poorly
thought out theories for years.

- Why do you have such a problem today?
- Because...

Because I didn't want
to go to the mall,

and I thought I could use that.

I am appalled.

Okay.

You know what,

we're both appalling.

Neither of us wanted
to do something,

and instead of working it out,

we tried to screw
each other over.

Yeah, that sounds like us.

What if we're not good people?

That's only true
if you think about it.

Adam, I think we need to do some
real soul searching here.

You know? I me...

I have a relationship
workbook upstairs

about this very thing.

Okay, all right.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Let's not go bananas.

We are not bad people.

We're normal.

Maybe low normal.

Upper bad.

Are we the worst people
in the world? No.

Could we improve?
Probably not.

Look, honey,

sometimes in parenting,

a job comes along
that is truly horrific,

like five hours
of dress shopping.

Yes. And we panicked.

Right. Our fight-or-flight
instinct kicked in.

And I would make the argument
that of the two,

fight is definitely
better than flight.

That's true. I mean,
I could have chosen flight.

I could have moved
to Santa Fe and opened

a cute little pottery shop
with a green awning

called "A Penny For Your Pots."

Well, that's way
too specific, but yeah.

We don't run.

And you know what that is?

That's brave.

Yeah. We're bad,
but we're brave.

Like Han Solo.

Everybody loves that guy.

Right?

Okay, good.

We are back on track.

I am throwing this chicken salad
out in the trash,

and we are never gonna
talk about it again.

May the Force be with you.

You.

I know. I ran over
between emergencies

to tell you I'm sorry.

Why'd you have to
tell Marcy everything?

I thought I was dying.

I lost control of everything,
including my mouth.

I threw up the truth.

I told you not to eat too much.

Why can't you barely
poison yourself,

like a normal person?

And I didn't tell
her everything.

I didn't say a word about you
giving yourself strep throat

when Teddy was sick.

You did what?

This time I choose flight.

If you want to talk to me,
I'll be in the Admirals Club.

See you on the other
side, brother.

How's your tummy?

Everything hurts.

That's the lies
leaving your body.

All right, I'm taking off.

Hey, where are you headed
so fancy?

Kate's dance.
I'm gonna go try my luck

with some of the girls
crying outside.

I'll see you around 10:00.

What a guy.

I-I mean, you should
probably go stop him.

No, no, no, this is
definitely on you.

I mean... he's thinking
with a body part

I don't even have.

(chuckles)

- You enjoyed that, didn't you?
- I didn't hate it.