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1
00:00:00,119 --> 00:00:03,134
[lively music]
2
00:00:03,159 --> 00:00:06,965
♪
♪
3
00:00:08,488 --> 00:00:10,154
I can't believe you went down there
4
00:00:10,179 --> 00:00:11,963
and talked to that tattoo guy.
5
00:00:11,988 --> 00:00:13,464
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
6
00:00:13,489 --> 00:00:14,745
I gave him a piece of my mind.
7
00:00:14,770 --> 00:00:16,803
You gave him a piece of something.
8
00:00:17,159 --> 00:00:18,876
What is that supposed to mean?
9
00:00:18,878 --> 00:00:20,327
I saw you, Mom.
10
00:00:20,329 --> 00:00:22,129
So, okay, how exactly does that work?
11
00:00:22,131 --> 00:00:25,332
You go down to complain but
end up making out with him?
12
00:00:25,334 --> 00:00:27,252
I mean, gee, the Pakistani
guy at the bodega
13
00:00:27,277 --> 00:00:28,253
gave me the wrong change.
14
00:00:28,278 --> 00:00:29,743
Are you gonna go give him a handy?
15
00:00:29,768 --> 00:00:31,317
- Don't talk to me like that.
- Well, I'm sorry.
16
00:00:31,342 --> 00:00:33,955
But I don't know what's going on here.
17
00:00:33,980 --> 00:00:37,515
Okay, you know that your
father and I are separated,
18
00:00:37,540 --> 00:00:40,441
and eventually I'm gonna be seeing people.
19
00:00:40,466 --> 00:00:42,133
The tattoo guy?
20
00:00:42,158 --> 00:00:43,761
His name is Josh.
21
00:00:43,786 --> 00:00:45,285
And you're, like, a couple?
22
00:00:45,310 --> 00:00:49,196
Um, sort of.
23
00:00:49,221 --> 00:00:50,887
Okay.
24
00:00:50,912 --> 00:00:52,993
That's the grossest thing I've ever heard.
25
00:00:53,018 --> 00:00:54,638
- Oh, come on. Can we just...
- No...
26
00:00:54,663 --> 00:00:55,851
Let's just sit down and talk about...
27
00:00:55,876 --> 00:00:57,459
No, Mom, you're having a midlife crisis,
28
00:00:57,484 --> 00:00:59,520
just like Dad, and I don't
want to talk about it.
29
00:00:59,545 --> 00:01:02,434
I don't want to think about
it. I just want to go to bed.
30
00:01:02,569 --> 00:01:04,225
Ugh.
31
00:01:04,251 --> 00:01:06,290
I just thought about it again.
32
00:01:06,771 --> 00:01:10,506
♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh ♪
33
00:01:10,531 --> 00:01:12,986
♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh-oh ♪
34
00:01:13,011 --> 00:01:14,395
♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh ♪
35
00:01:14,420 --> 00:01:16,815
- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy -
- www.addic7ed.com -
36
00:01:16,840 --> 00:01:19,164
And then she said I was
having a midlife crisis.
37
00:01:19,189 --> 00:01:21,690
Your crisis was your
boring life before this.
38
00:01:21,715 --> 00:01:22,527
Ugh, I hate this.
39
00:01:22,552 --> 00:01:24,228
Caitlin and I have always been so close,
40
00:01:24,253 --> 00:01:26,040
and now I can't talk to
her about anything...
41
00:01:26,065 --> 00:01:27,698
Josh, work.
42
00:01:27,962 --> 00:01:29,294
Maybe I could tell her about work.
43
00:01:29,319 --> 00:01:30,257
No!
44
00:01:30,282 --> 00:01:31,732
You know, we've been through this already.
45
00:01:31,757 --> 00:01:33,065
She's a teenager,
46
00:01:33,090 --> 00:01:35,682
and she's gonna blow your
cover and blab to everybody.
47
00:01:35,707 --> 00:01:37,650
Keep your mouth shut and
get her through college.
48
00:01:37,675 --> 00:01:39,687
- [groans]
- [buzzer blares]
49
00:01:39,712 --> 00:01:42,041
- Are you expecting anybody?
- No.
50
00:01:42,066 --> 00:01:44,240
- Hi, who is it?
- It's David.
51
00:01:44,265 --> 00:01:45,493
Is that Dad?
52
00:01:46,160 --> 00:01:47,764
Yeah.
53
00:01:47,789 --> 00:01:49,261
What, are you leaving?
54
00:01:49,286 --> 00:01:51,286
Yeah, I'm just gonna stay
with him for a few weeks.
55
00:01:51,311 --> 00:01:53,597
He's giving me a job in his office.
56
00:01:53,622 --> 00:01:55,255
Did you tell him about Josh?
57
00:01:55,280 --> 00:01:56,779
No, I just told him
58
00:01:56,804 --> 00:01:59,017
it was getting awkward around here,
59
00:01:59,042 --> 00:01:59,974
which it is.
60
00:01:59,999 --> 00:02:01,562
But you don't have to leave, Caitlin.
61
00:02:01,587 --> 00:02:03,443
I think you need to figure stuff out,
62
00:02:03,468 --> 00:02:05,043
and, you know, I need a job.
63
00:02:05,068 --> 00:02:06,235
Dad needs help in the office.
64
00:02:06,260 --> 00:02:08,171
It's a win-win-win.
65
00:02:08,196 --> 00:02:09,871
[knock at door]
66
00:02:12,388 --> 00:02:14,635
- Hey! How are you?
- Hi!
67
00:02:14,660 --> 00:02:16,234
Oh, it's so good to see you.
68
00:02:16,259 --> 00:02:17,563
- Hi, Dad.
- You're so thin.
69
00:02:17,587 --> 00:02:18,913
- Oh.
- Did they feed you in India?
70
00:02:18,938 --> 00:02:21,552
No, I need dead cow,
like, as soon as possible.
71
00:02:21,577 --> 00:02:23,569
All right, White Castle
on the way home, baby.
72
00:02:23,594 --> 00:02:27,041
Liza, how come every time I
see you, you look younger?
73
00:02:27,066 --> 00:02:29,007
You just forgot what she looked like happy.
74
00:02:29,032 --> 00:02:30,109
- Hey, Maggie.
- Oh, lovely.
75
00:02:30,134 --> 00:02:31,436
Good to see you. Love the robe.
76
00:02:31,461 --> 00:02:33,076
- When's the big fight?
- All right. Okay.
77
00:02:33,101 --> 00:02:35,424
You call me if you need anything.
78
00:02:35,449 --> 00:02:36,995
And remember, you can always come back.
79
00:02:37,021 --> 00:02:40,105
- I second that. Come here.
- Thank you.
80
00:02:40,130 --> 00:02:42,293
I'm gonna miss you.
81
00:02:42,317 --> 00:02:45,098
Somehow, I don't think
you'll be too lonely.
82
00:02:45,123 --> 00:02:46,317
What does that mean?
83
00:02:46,341 --> 00:02:47,423
Nothing.
84
00:02:47,448 --> 00:02:48,899
Come on, Dad.
85
00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:53,580
She'll be fine.
86
00:02:53,605 --> 00:02:54,771
She'll be back.
87
00:02:54,796 --> 00:02:57,467
[rock music]
88
00:02:58,211 --> 00:03:00,090
Low foam skinny cap...
89
00:03:00,115 --> 00:03:01,222
Shh, shh.
90
00:03:01,247 --> 00:03:03,414
Rob, is there no way that
we could meet in person?
91
00:03:03,439 --> 00:03:04,855
Discuss this face-to-face?
92
00:03:04,880 --> 00:03:06,958
I already signed the
contract with Hachette.
93
00:03:06,982 --> 00:03:09,449
Look, I really appreciate
all you've done for me,
94
00:03:09,474 --> 00:03:10,678
but it's time to move on.
95
00:03:10,703 --> 00:03:11,718
Good luck, guys.
96
00:03:11,743 --> 00:03:13,023
And good luck to you, Rob.
97
00:03:13,048 --> 00:03:16,416
Just know that Empirical's
door is always open.
98
00:03:16,441 --> 00:03:18,750
Screw him; send out a
press release immediately
99
00:03:18,776 --> 00:03:19,942
that says we dumped Rob Olive.
100
00:03:19,967 --> 00:03:20,942
I don't get it.
101
00:03:20,967 --> 00:03:23,589
Hachette already has so
many Sick Lit writers.
102
00:03:23,614 --> 00:03:26,005
- What's Sick Lit?
- Terminally ill teen genre.
103
00:03:26,030 --> 00:03:27,051
Like "Fault in Our Stars."
104
00:03:27,076 --> 00:03:30,259
I spent so many hours at
the desk with that guy,
105
00:03:30,285 --> 00:03:32,963
literally milking every chapter from him.
106
00:03:32,988 --> 00:03:34,194
She even came up with the title
107
00:03:34,219 --> 00:03:36,527
of his last best seller,
"Hashtag I'm Dying."
108
00:03:36,552 --> 00:03:38,120
Well, maybe there's some
way to get him back.
109
00:03:38,145 --> 00:03:41,424
Too late, Galley Cat is
already reporting it.
110
00:03:41,449 --> 00:03:42,632
["Roman Holiday" by Halsey plays]
111
00:03:42,657 --> 00:03:45,953
♪ We'll be looking for
sunlight or the headlights ♪
112
00:03:45,978 --> 00:03:48,343
♪ Till our wide eyes burn blind ♪
113
00:03:48,368 --> 00:03:50,755
♪ We'll be lacing the same shoes ♪
114
00:03:50,780 --> 00:03:52,452
♪ That we've worn through ♪
115
00:03:52,477 --> 00:03:55,021
♪ To the bottom of the line ♪
116
00:03:55,045 --> 00:03:56,796
♪ And we know that we're headstrong ♪
117
00:03:56,821 --> 00:03:58,596
♪ And our heart's gone ♪
118
00:03:58,621 --> 00:04:01,373
♪ And the timing's never right ♪
119
00:04:01,397 --> 00:04:03,483
[indistinct chatter]
120
00:04:03,907 --> 00:04:05,607
Hey.
121
00:04:05,632 --> 00:04:07,916
Hey, hot pants.
122
00:04:09,548 --> 00:04:11,311
Can you believe it?
123
00:04:11,336 --> 00:04:12,916
Finally gonna get a night together.
124
00:04:12,941 --> 00:04:14,636
And they're really good about checking IDs,
125
00:04:14,661 --> 00:04:17,187
so we don't have to worry
about your daughter showing up.
126
00:04:17,213 --> 00:04:19,228
Sorry it's been so weird.
127
00:04:19,253 --> 00:04:20,786
Oh, it's okay. It's okay.
128
00:04:20,811 --> 00:04:22,244
We're weird, all right?
129
00:04:22,269 --> 00:04:24,539
I don't know. I kind of like it.
130
00:04:24,564 --> 00:04:25,885
What are you gonna do?
131
00:04:25,909 --> 00:04:27,158
Drink?
132
00:04:27,183 --> 00:04:29,302
- Excellent.
- All right, all right.
133
00:04:29,327 --> 00:04:31,341
Who's ready for Trivia Tuesday?
134
00:04:31,366 --> 00:04:32,981
Yeah!
135
00:04:33,006 --> 00:04:34,484
It's trivia night?
136
00:04:34,509 --> 00:04:37,396
Free shot for every correct answer.
137
00:04:37,421 --> 00:04:39,003
Oh, okay. Now it get it.
138
00:04:39,028 --> 00:04:41,468
Yeah.
139
00:04:41,492 --> 00:04:44,091
Petey Piranha and King Boo
140
00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:47,835
ride together in this multiplayer game.
141
00:04:47,860 --> 00:04:50,151
- "Mario Kart: Double Dash!!"
- Correct!
142
00:04:50,176 --> 00:04:51,461
I totally remember that game.
143
00:04:51,486 --> 00:04:52,852
Yeah, but you didn't
remember it fast enough.
144
00:04:52,877 --> 00:04:54,209
- I know.
- Next question.
145
00:04:54,234 --> 00:04:56,271
You have to translate this emoji sentence.
146
00:04:56,296 --> 00:04:58,086
Oh, dude, these are my jam.
147
00:04:58,110 --> 00:05:01,653
Eggplant, peach, two cows,
148
00:05:01,678 --> 00:05:04,472
house, question mark.
149
00:05:04,497 --> 00:05:06,664
Let's have sex till the cows come home!
150
00:05:06,689 --> 00:05:07,988
- Correct.
- Yeah!
151
00:05:08,013 --> 00:05:09,263
- What?
- Damn!
152
00:05:09,288 --> 00:05:11,014
She's really good at this.
153
00:05:11,039 --> 00:05:13,442
All right, next category is the '90s.
154
00:05:13,466 --> 00:05:14,990
All right. Now we're talking.
155
00:05:15,015 --> 00:05:16,882
Her name was Lisa Lopes.
156
00:05:16,907 --> 00:05:18,290
Her nickname was...
157
00:05:18,315 --> 00:05:20,009
- Left Eye!
- Correct!
158
00:05:20,034 --> 00:05:21,951
- Yes!
- Next question.
159
00:05:21,976 --> 00:05:24,059
O.J. Simpson had a house guest...
160
00:05:24,084 --> 00:05:26,242
- Kato Kaelin.
- Correctamundo!
161
00:05:27,055 --> 00:05:28,868
Okay, here's a hard one, guys.
162
00:05:28,893 --> 00:05:31,393
Who was the mastermind behind the smashing
163
00:05:31,418 --> 00:05:33,015
of Nancy Kerrigan's...
164
00:05:33,040 --> 00:05:35,123
- Jeff Gillooly!
- Wow. Amazing.
165
00:05:35,148 --> 00:05:36,568
How is she getting all these?
166
00:05:36,593 --> 00:05:37,892
She's 40!
167
00:05:37,917 --> 00:05:40,483
Hey, easy with the F word, sweetie.
168
00:05:40,508 --> 00:05:41,585
What?
169
00:05:41,610 --> 00:05:42,800
Two more shots for our winners.
170
00:05:42,825 --> 00:05:44,024
No, no. I'm okay. I've had enough.
171
00:05:44,049 --> 00:05:45,526
No, no. Keep 'em coming.
172
00:05:45,551 --> 00:05:48,398
What are you talking
about, you've had enough?
173
00:05:55,081 --> 00:05:56,580
Oh, my God.
174
00:05:56,605 --> 00:05:59,404
- You know what I just thought of?
- What?
175
00:05:59,429 --> 00:06:04,363
When I was born, you were in middle school.
176
00:06:04,388 --> 00:06:06,506
I guess so.
177
00:06:06,531 --> 00:06:12,613
And when I was 16, you were...
178
00:06:12,638 --> 00:06:15,734
[gasps] You were 30!
179
00:06:15,758 --> 00:06:18,795
Yep, pretty much always
a 14-year age difference.
180
00:06:18,820 --> 00:06:20,795
[laughter]
181
00:06:26,125 --> 00:06:28,924
Oh, my God, though.
182
00:06:30,143 --> 00:06:33,341
You're closer to my mom's
age than you are to mine.
183
00:06:33,366 --> 00:06:35,412
Okay, can we stop doing the math now?
184
00:06:35,437 --> 00:06:36,486
- Yes.
- Okay.
185
00:06:36,511 --> 00:06:37,877
- No more math.
- No more math.
186
00:06:37,902 --> 00:06:39,421
I don't like... ooh.
187
00:06:39,447 --> 00:06:40,953
Are you okay? Is something wrong?
188
00:06:40,978 --> 00:06:43,112
No, no, no. We're good.
189
00:06:43,137 --> 00:06:44,386
Okay.
190
00:06:44,411 --> 00:06:45,580
Okay? Okay.
191
00:06:45,605 --> 00:06:47,095
Nope. Nope.
192
00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:49,358
Oh, I know what's happening.
193
00:06:49,384 --> 00:06:50,684
What?
194
00:06:50,709 --> 00:06:52,888
- I have whiskey dick.
- What?
195
00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:53,848
Whiskey dick.
196
00:06:53,873 --> 00:06:58,145
My 40-year-old girlfriend
got my dick drunk.
197
00:06:58,169 --> 00:07:01,557
[hip-hop music]
198
00:07:01,582 --> 00:07:04,381
♪
♪
199
00:07:04,632 --> 00:07:07,800
[light rock music]
200
00:07:07,825 --> 00:07:10,042
♪
♪
201
00:07:10,359 --> 00:07:11,481
Sorry.
202
00:07:11,506 --> 00:07:13,056
Good morning.
203
00:07:13,081 --> 00:07:15,918
That remains to be seen.
204
00:07:16,850 --> 00:07:19,405
- You look tired.
- Ah, yeah.
205
00:07:19,430 --> 00:07:21,700
My boyfriend and I got into
some whiskey last night...
206
00:07:21,725 --> 00:07:22,669
Not interested.
207
00:07:22,694 --> 00:07:24,110
I need you to be surgically
attached to your phone
208
00:07:24,135 --> 00:07:25,184
for the next 48 hours.
209
00:07:25,209 --> 00:07:26,689
Um, okay.
210
00:07:26,714 --> 00:07:29,568
Laura Hillenbrand's new book
is coming up for auction.
211
00:07:29,593 --> 00:07:32,543
The second it is released to
the bidders, I will text you.
212
00:07:32,568 --> 00:07:34,977
You will drop everything and
sign out a watermarked copy
213
00:07:35,002 --> 00:07:37,419
from her agent's office and
hand-deliver it to Charles.
214
00:07:37,444 --> 00:07:38,453
That's exciting.
215
00:07:38,478 --> 00:07:40,455
I loved "Seabiscuit" and "Unbroken."
216
00:07:40,480 --> 00:07:42,064
Liza, if you want to be taken seriously,
217
00:07:42,089 --> 00:07:44,287
you can't just blurt out
your unrequested opinion.
218
00:07:44,312 --> 00:07:45,975
This is not a Gallup poll.
219
00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:49,799
I bet "Seabiscuit" would
love a Gallup poll.
220
00:07:49,824 --> 00:07:51,440
Honestly, it's like you have some form
221
00:07:51,465 --> 00:07:54,590
of literary Tourette's.
222
00:07:57,836 --> 00:08:00,236
Hey, how's it going?
223
00:08:00,261 --> 00:08:01,544
Not good.
224
00:08:01,569 --> 00:08:03,152
I'm looking for the next Rob Olive.
225
00:08:03,177 --> 00:08:05,260
I stayed up all night
reading Sick Lit books,
226
00:08:05,285 --> 00:08:07,548
and now I'm pretty sure I have
five different kinds of cancer.
227
00:08:07,573 --> 00:08:08,656
You?
228
00:08:08,681 --> 00:08:10,386
Actually, can I ask you something?
229
00:08:10,411 --> 00:08:11,431
Yeah.
230
00:08:11,456 --> 00:08:15,327
Has Thad ever had trouble performing?
231
00:08:15,619 --> 00:08:17,310
Like a coke poke?
232
00:08:17,335 --> 00:08:19,299
- What's a coke poke?
- The worst.
233
00:08:19,324 --> 00:08:23,025
It's like running as hard
as you can to a finish line
234
00:08:23,050 --> 00:08:24,827
that never, ever comes.
235
00:08:24,852 --> 00:08:25,817
Oh.
236
00:08:25,842 --> 00:08:27,961
- Sore for days.
- Yeah, no.
237
00:08:27,986 --> 00:08:29,348
That's not Josh's thing,
238
00:08:29,373 --> 00:08:33,091
but last night, we were out,
and we were drinking...
239
00:08:33,116 --> 00:08:35,450
Wait, you and Josh are back together?
240
00:08:35,475 --> 00:08:37,361
Yeah, we're, um...
241
00:08:37,386 --> 00:08:39,001
We're trying to work things out.
242
00:08:39,026 --> 00:08:40,689
Oh, my God.
243
00:08:40,714 --> 00:08:43,048
I need a scorecard to keep up with you two.
244
00:08:43,073 --> 00:08:44,773
[chuckles]
245
00:08:44,798 --> 00:08:46,473
Well, while you guys are on again,
246
00:08:46,498 --> 00:08:48,248
bring him to Hector and
Dorf's launch tonight
247
00:08:48,273 --> 00:08:50,641
because their parties
give everyone a boner.
248
00:08:50,666 --> 00:08:53,854
- _
- [gasps] It's Rob Olive.
249
00:08:54,794 --> 00:08:57,119
And he wants to meet for lunch.
250
00:09:02,833 --> 00:09:05,052
- Kelsey, thanks for coming.
- Yeah.
251
00:09:05,077 --> 00:09:07,336
Oh, I'm so glad we could
finally meet face-to-face.
252
00:09:07,361 --> 00:09:08,577
Look, it's important.
253
00:09:08,602 --> 00:09:10,198
My new story isn't coming.
254
00:09:10,223 --> 00:09:11,558
I'm completely stuck.
255
00:09:11,583 --> 00:09:12,983
All right.
256
00:09:13,008 --> 00:09:15,231
What's it about?
257
00:09:15,256 --> 00:09:17,134
A high school girl gets put on hospice care
258
00:09:17,159 --> 00:09:19,162
the day before her prom.
259
00:09:19,187 --> 00:09:22,929
It's a great premise, but it's all I got.
260
00:09:24,396 --> 00:09:27,193
Okay, what if her friends
261
00:09:27,218 --> 00:09:30,874
bring the prom to her and
have it at the hospice?
262
00:09:30,899 --> 00:09:32,198
Oh, my God.
263
00:09:32,223 --> 00:09:34,412
That is genius.
264
00:09:35,076 --> 00:09:36,242
See?
265
00:09:36,267 --> 00:09:38,290
I can't do this without you.
266
00:09:38,315 --> 00:09:40,649
So come back to Empirical.
267
00:09:40,674 --> 00:09:42,257
No.
268
00:09:42,282 --> 00:09:44,226
I want you to come with me to Hachette.
269
00:09:44,251 --> 00:09:45,834
Oh, come on.
270
00:09:45,859 --> 00:09:48,193
I'm sure their editorial
team would just love that.
271
00:09:48,219 --> 00:09:50,386
They're preparing you an offer as we speak.
272
00:09:50,411 --> 00:09:51,910
What?
273
00:09:51,935 --> 00:09:53,346
They know what you're making at Empirical,
274
00:09:53,371 --> 00:09:54,871
and they can do much better.
275
00:09:54,896 --> 00:09:56,914
Wait till you see this offer.
276
00:09:57,974 --> 00:10:00,954
I look forward to seeing it.
277
00:10:01,157 --> 00:10:04,554
[Asian-inspired dance music]
278
00:10:04,579 --> 00:10:08,131
♪
♪
279
00:10:11,406 --> 00:10:13,573
This is badass.
280
00:10:13,598 --> 00:10:15,332
What exactly is it?
281
00:10:15,357 --> 00:10:17,253
Hector and Dorf's new collection
282
00:10:17,278 --> 00:10:20,333
is inspired by Cold War-era
ping-pong diplomacy.
283
00:10:20,358 --> 00:10:21,989
What the what, what?
284
00:10:22,014 --> 00:10:23,870
Nixon-era stuff.
285
00:10:23,895 --> 00:10:26,437
On the invitation, it said
that the U.S. Table Tennis team
286
00:10:26,462 --> 00:10:28,629
were the first Americans
to visit communist China
287
00:10:28,654 --> 00:10:29,995
back in 1971.
288
00:10:30,020 --> 00:10:31,219
1971.
289
00:10:31,244 --> 00:10:32,877
That's the year you were born, right?
290
00:10:32,902 --> 00:10:33,934
1974.
291
00:10:33,959 --> 00:10:35,292
Don't make me any older than I am.
292
00:10:35,317 --> 00:10:36,733
You guys want something from the bar?
293
00:10:36,758 --> 00:10:37,757
- Yeah.
- Please.
294
00:10:37,782 --> 00:10:39,165
Oh, hey.
295
00:10:39,190 --> 00:10:40,787
No whiskey.
296
00:10:40,812 --> 00:10:43,780
- [whispering] I promise.
- Okay.
297
00:10:43,805 --> 00:10:45,760
You see how focused he is on my age now?
298
00:10:45,785 --> 00:10:47,701
- He's just joking.
- He's obsessed.
299
00:10:47,726 --> 00:10:49,825
Oh, come on. Let's play some ping-pong.
300
00:10:49,850 --> 00:10:52,713
[gasps] The Hachette offer just came in.
301
00:10:52,738 --> 00:10:56,186
Wow. Not bad.
302
00:10:56,618 --> 00:10:59,452
I just really don't
want to leave Empirical.
303
00:10:59,477 --> 00:11:00,893
They're like my family.
304
00:11:00,918 --> 00:11:02,762
A poor family.
305
00:11:02,787 --> 00:11:04,404
What? This offer's good, Kels.
306
00:11:04,429 --> 00:11:06,095
And I bet you can get escalating bonuses
307
00:11:06,120 --> 00:11:07,756
based on Rob Olive's sales.
308
00:11:07,781 --> 00:11:08,788
You know what?
309
00:11:08,813 --> 00:11:09,876
Actually, just CC me into the emails,
310
00:11:09,901 --> 00:11:10,771
and I'll take care of it.
311
00:11:10,796 --> 00:11:12,067
Tell 'em I'm your financial manager.
312
00:11:12,092 --> 00:11:14,044
Thank you for looking out for me.
313
00:11:14,069 --> 00:11:15,867
I am gonna squeeze their nuts
314
00:11:15,892 --> 00:11:19,004
till they're squirting money in your face.
315
00:11:20,844 --> 00:11:22,977
Okay, you can't tell anyone,
316
00:11:23,002 --> 00:11:26,042
but Hachette just made me a big offer.
317
00:11:26,067 --> 00:11:27,534
- What?
- I know.
318
00:11:27,559 --> 00:11:29,008
Well, what are you gonna do?
319
00:11:29,033 --> 00:11:30,780
Thad thinks I should take it.
320
00:11:30,805 --> 00:11:33,631
Well, you're at least
gonna give Charles a chance
321
00:11:33,656 --> 00:11:34,995
to match the offer, right?
322
00:11:35,020 --> 00:11:37,937
I think I should. I mean,
he gave me my big break.
323
00:11:37,962 --> 00:11:40,424
I owe him my career, but
then the other part of me
324
00:11:40,449 --> 00:11:43,428
thinks that he's always going to
view me as a former assistant,
325
00:11:43,453 --> 00:11:45,052
you know, no matter what I do.
326
00:11:45,252 --> 00:11:48,419
He's never really gonna value
me as an editor in my own right.
327
00:11:48,444 --> 00:11:49,923
Kelsey, I don't think that's true.
328
00:11:49,948 --> 00:11:51,307
It's not his fault.
329
00:11:51,333 --> 00:11:52,857
It would be the same anywhere.
330
00:11:52,881 --> 00:11:55,320
You got to leave to be taken seriously.
331
00:11:55,345 --> 00:11:57,874
We're up.
332
00:11:58,671 --> 00:12:00,155
Josh! There you are.
333
00:12:00,180 --> 00:12:01,220
- Hey, hey, Thad.
- Hey.
334
00:12:01,245 --> 00:12:02,385
All right, let's skip the small talk.
335
00:12:02,410 --> 00:12:03,576
I need deets on the breakup.
336
00:12:03,561 --> 00:12:04,665
You said you never really knew Liza.
337
00:12:04,690 --> 00:12:06,755
Then you guys are back together.
What? What is the deal?
338
00:12:06,781 --> 00:12:09,839
Uh, I am going to go get some
dessert, actually, so...
339
00:12:09,864 --> 00:12:10,965
No, no, no. Waiter! Waiter!
340
00:12:10,990 --> 00:12:12,170
Hey, bring us some Tienanmen squares.
341
00:12:12,196 --> 00:12:13,173
Oh, man. Those are really good.
342
00:12:13,197 --> 00:12:14,475
- Hey, babe.
- Hey.
343
00:12:14,500 --> 00:12:15,792
- Josh!
- Hi.
344
00:12:15,818 --> 00:12:18,157
Hi, Liza told me you
guys are back together.
345
00:12:18,182 --> 00:12:19,693
I'm really happy about that.
346
00:12:19,718 --> 00:12:21,145
Shh, he was just telling
us about the breakup.
347
00:12:21,170 --> 00:12:23,673
- No, I wasn't, actually.
- Come on.
348
00:12:23,699 --> 00:12:25,898
- Somebody cheated.
- Nobody cheated.
349
00:12:25,923 --> 00:12:27,141
- She cheated.
- No.
350
00:12:27,166 --> 00:12:28,773
- Am I right?
- No, we just had our stuff.
351
00:12:28,798 --> 00:12:30,516
What? Like what?
352
00:12:30,541 --> 00:12:33,209
Like, she was allergic to my cat.
353
00:12:33,234 --> 00:12:34,781
You broke up over a cat?
354
00:12:34,806 --> 00:12:37,250
Then why would you guys get back together?
355
00:12:37,275 --> 00:12:38,808
Because it died.
356
00:12:38,833 --> 00:12:41,018
[gasps] Your cat died?
357
00:12:41,043 --> 00:12:42,986
What happened?
358
00:12:43,479 --> 00:12:46,897
It ate some bleach, and...
359
00:12:46,922 --> 00:12:48,682
How did it get into bleach?
360
00:12:48,707 --> 00:12:51,274
Uh, you know, he just got up there
361
00:12:51,299 --> 00:12:52,393
and just got some bleach.
362
00:12:52,419 --> 00:12:54,081
Oh, my God, he? It was a boy.
363
00:12:54,106 --> 00:12:55,091
This is so sad.
364
00:12:55,116 --> 00:12:56,518
What kind of a cat wants bleach?
365
00:12:56,543 --> 00:12:59,797
You know, I, uh... I'm gonna
run outside real quick.
366
00:12:59,822 --> 00:13:01,605
Vape? Yeah, let's blaze it up, bro.
367
00:13:01,630 --> 00:13:03,366
No, no. I got to go.
368
00:13:03,391 --> 00:13:06,637
Whoo, yes.
369
00:13:06,672 --> 00:13:09,776
Is Josh taking off?
370
00:13:14,056 --> 00:13:16,141
[sighs]
371
00:13:16,198 --> 00:13:17,750
Hey.
372
00:13:18,362 --> 00:13:20,078
Is everything okay?
373
00:13:20,103 --> 00:13:22,032
I think I'm just gonna call it a night.
374
00:13:22,057 --> 00:13:23,887
What? Why?
375
00:13:24,411 --> 00:13:25,688
[cell phone whooshes]
376
00:13:25,713 --> 00:13:27,974
- _
- [scoffs]
377
00:13:29,449 --> 00:13:31,084
I'm sorry.
378
00:13:31,109 --> 00:13:34,167
[melancholy rock music]
379
00:13:35,987 --> 00:13:38,839
[women vocalizing]
380
00:13:39,447 --> 00:13:40,913
[bell rings]
381
00:13:40,938 --> 00:13:44,022
♪
♪
382
00:13:46,251 --> 00:13:48,401
- Hi.
- Hi.
383
00:13:48,426 --> 00:13:50,389
I've got the Hillenbrand manuscript.
384
00:13:50,414 --> 00:13:52,369
Thank you so much for
running it over so late.
385
00:13:52,394 --> 00:13:54,078
I hope I didn't ruin your night.
386
00:13:54,103 --> 00:13:55,983
Nah, I was just playing a little ping-pong.
387
00:13:56,008 --> 00:13:58,745
- Is that right?
- Yeah, but you're so lucky.
388
00:13:58,770 --> 00:13:59,955
I'm such a Hillenbrand fan.
389
00:13:59,980 --> 00:14:01,818
"Seabiscuit" was my favorite.
390
00:14:01,843 --> 00:14:03,486
Well, I wish I could ask you
391
00:14:03,511 --> 00:14:05,427
to come in and read this with me,
392
00:14:05,429 --> 00:14:08,154
but that could get us both in trouble.
393
00:14:08,179 --> 00:14:09,241
Oh.
394
00:14:09,266 --> 00:14:11,827
No, I signed a confidentiality agreement.
395
00:14:11,852 --> 00:14:13,602
There are probably lawyers
hiding in the bushes.
396
00:14:13,627 --> 00:14:15,873
Okay, right.
397
00:14:15,898 --> 00:14:18,365
Well, I should let you get to it.
398
00:14:18,390 --> 00:14:19,786
Okay.
399
00:14:19,811 --> 00:14:23,339
Wait, before you go, a friend of mine
400
00:14:23,364 --> 00:14:27,970
told me that Hachette is
trying to poach Kelsey Peters.
401
00:14:27,995 --> 00:14:30,635
Have you heard anything about that?
402
00:14:30,660 --> 00:14:33,938
Okay, I'll say this.
403
00:14:35,301 --> 00:14:38,352
Everyone wants to feel valuable at work,
404
00:14:38,377 --> 00:14:40,898
and I think that it would
mean a lot to Kelsey
405
00:14:40,923 --> 00:14:44,578
if she knew just how much you valued her,
406
00:14:44,603 --> 00:14:46,695
that you won't always
407
00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:49,831
see her as an assistant
who's been promoted.
408
00:14:49,856 --> 00:14:52,782
I appreciate that information, Liza,
409
00:14:52,807 --> 00:14:55,078
and your discretion.
410
00:14:55,103 --> 00:14:56,190
Okay.
411
00:14:56,215 --> 00:14:58,541
I guess I'll see you on Monday.
412
00:14:58,569 --> 00:15:00,983
- Yeah. See you Monday.
- Enjoy the book.
413
00:15:01,008 --> 00:15:03,309
Yeah, and enjoy your night.
414
00:15:04,962 --> 00:15:06,924
Ping-pong.
415
00:15:06,949 --> 00:15:09,675
[electronic music]
416
00:15:10,392 --> 00:15:11,939
Hey.
417
00:15:11,964 --> 00:15:13,068
Hey.
418
00:15:13,093 --> 00:15:14,757
I thought you'd still be at the party.
419
00:15:14,781 --> 00:15:16,561
Eh, I bailed.
420
00:15:16,586 --> 00:15:18,203
Whatever happened with Josh?
421
00:15:18,228 --> 00:15:19,610
Oh, I don't know.
422
00:15:19,635 --> 00:15:21,252
I texted him, and he hasn't texted back.
423
00:15:21,277 --> 00:15:23,313
I just can't figure him out anymore.
424
00:15:23,338 --> 00:15:24,911
Can't figure who out?
425
00:15:24,936 --> 00:15:27,553
Lauren, hi.
426
00:15:27,578 --> 00:15:29,245
Hi.
427
00:15:30,958 --> 00:15:33,400
Uh, can I get you a robe?
428
00:15:33,425 --> 00:15:35,494
Uh, no. No, thank you.
429
00:15:35,519 --> 00:15:36,908
I'd throw on my dress,
430
00:15:36,933 --> 00:15:39,887
but your roommate tore it
in half like a phone book.
431
00:15:43,992 --> 00:15:45,325
Yeah.
432
00:15:45,350 --> 00:15:46,816
I can't believe you brought Lauren here.
433
00:15:46,841 --> 00:15:49,375
She could accidentally see
something, a photo, who knows,
434
00:15:49,400 --> 00:15:50,681
and find out about my age.
435
00:15:50,706 --> 00:15:52,761
She's so self-focused.
436
00:15:52,786 --> 00:15:54,743
She's barely aware of her surroundings.
437
00:15:54,768 --> 00:15:56,458
So where is Josh anyway?
438
00:15:56,483 --> 00:15:58,359
Oh, he went home early.
439
00:15:58,384 --> 00:15:59,744
On a Friday night?
440
00:15:59,769 --> 00:16:01,437
- That is not good.
- You don't know that.
441
00:16:01,462 --> 00:16:02,658
I also date guys.
442
00:16:02,683 --> 00:16:05,451
No, I mean, I do feel like things
443
00:16:05,476 --> 00:16:08,777
have been kind of cooling down between us
444
00:16:08,802 --> 00:16:10,080
in the bedroom.
445
00:16:10,106 --> 00:16:11,605
Yeah, no, I figured that would happen.
446
00:16:11,630 --> 00:16:13,666
- What?
- Josh is really edgy, you know?
447
00:16:13,691 --> 00:16:15,223
And you're, like, the nice girl. I know.
448
00:16:15,225 --> 00:16:16,501
I know that opposites attract,
449
00:16:16,526 --> 00:16:18,993
but, no offense, he's probably bored.
450
00:16:19,018 --> 00:16:21,185
- Hey.
- No, maybe he is bored.
451
00:16:21,198 --> 00:16:22,481
Of course he's bored.
452
00:16:22,483 --> 00:16:24,154
All of these guys have been watching porn
453
00:16:24,179 --> 00:16:25,395
since they guessed their parents' password.
454
00:16:25,420 --> 00:16:26,499
It's hard to keep their attention.
455
00:16:26,524 --> 00:16:28,307
You've got to work at it.
456
00:16:28,332 --> 00:16:30,683
- Like, how?
- Like, be a boss.
457
00:16:30,708 --> 00:16:32,267
Like, you got to get aggro with him.
458
00:16:32,292 --> 00:16:32,896
Okay.
459
00:16:32,921 --> 00:16:36,138
Uh, can you be more specific?
460
00:16:36,163 --> 00:16:37,213
Do you have a leather hood?
461
00:16:37,238 --> 00:16:38,840
Uh, no, no. That's too hard-core.
462
00:16:38,865 --> 00:16:41,138
Okay, all right. A penis cage?
463
00:16:41,163 --> 00:16:42,413
A what?
464
00:16:42,438 --> 00:16:44,938
Fishnets and a finger up the butt?
465
00:16:44,963 --> 00:16:46,761
I think I know what I need to do.
466
00:16:46,786 --> 00:16:49,407
[rock music]
467
00:16:49,432 --> 00:16:51,257
♪
♪
468
00:16:53,077 --> 00:16:54,410
Can I help you?
469
00:16:54,435 --> 00:16:56,435
- Is that my bathrobe?
- No.
470
00:16:56,460 --> 00:16:59,511
This bathrobe belongs to
a young woman named Liza
471
00:16:59,536 --> 00:17:01,486
who my roommate Josh used to date.
472
00:17:01,511 --> 00:17:02,984
Okay. Is Josh home?
473
00:17:03,009 --> 00:17:05,433
Liza?
474
00:17:07,634 --> 00:17:10,230
I just want you to know,
if this is over, it's okay.
475
00:17:10,255 --> 00:17:11,770
I understand, you didn't plan to be
476
00:17:11,795 --> 00:17:13,262
with a 40-year-old divorced mom.
477
00:17:13,287 --> 00:17:14,839
Whoa, whoa, whoa. When did I ever say...
478
00:17:14,864 --> 00:17:16,281
You don't have to say anything.
479
00:17:16,306 --> 00:17:18,304
It's just... it's what I'm feeling.
480
00:17:18,330 --> 00:17:21,661
I mean, first this guy didn't
want anything to do with me,
481
00:17:21,686 --> 00:17:23,257
and then you disappeared from the party.
482
00:17:23,282 --> 00:17:25,699
- Okay, I'm sorry about that.
- Don't be sorry.
483
00:17:25,724 --> 00:17:27,414
You should be with someone your own age
484
00:17:27,439 --> 00:17:29,575
who will go aggro on you and
put your penis in a cage,
485
00:17:29,600 --> 00:17:30,630
but that's not me.
486
00:17:30,655 --> 00:17:32,204
I can't pretend with you anymore.
487
00:17:32,229 --> 00:17:33,825
You know who I really am,
488
00:17:33,850 --> 00:17:35,504
and maybe that's not enough
or it's too much, or just...
489
00:17:35,528 --> 00:17:37,789
Shh.
490
00:17:42,375 --> 00:17:44,458
Hi.
491
00:17:44,483 --> 00:17:45,648
Hi.
492
00:17:46,136 --> 00:17:47,936
Okay, look.
493
00:17:47,961 --> 00:17:49,688
The other night,
494
00:17:49,713 --> 00:17:52,880
I just drank a little too much.
495
00:17:52,905 --> 00:17:54,705
Seriously.
496
00:17:54,730 --> 00:17:58,148
But tonight, everybody started
asking me all these questions,
497
00:17:58,173 --> 00:17:59,760
and it got really weird,
498
00:17:59,785 --> 00:18:02,720
and I just... I left.
499
00:18:02,745 --> 00:18:06,414
I can't be put in that
position again, babe.
500
00:18:06,439 --> 00:18:08,483
Like, come on, I can't lie to your friends.
501
00:18:08,508 --> 00:18:10,931
You know, they're my friends too.
502
00:18:10,956 --> 00:18:13,706
But you don't understand;
I have to lie about my age
503
00:18:13,731 --> 00:18:15,037
at work, or I'll get fired.
504
00:18:15,062 --> 00:18:16,931
I mean, you could tell Kelsey.
505
00:18:17,173 --> 00:18:20,315
She'd be shocked, but she'd get over it.
506
00:18:20,340 --> 00:18:23,842
She's not gonna turn you in.
507
00:18:23,867 --> 00:18:25,806
Kelsey loves you.
508
00:18:25,831 --> 00:18:29,183
She's crazy about you.
509
00:18:29,208 --> 00:18:32,204
I'm crazy about you.
510
00:18:32,500 --> 00:18:35,660
- Really?
- Really.
511
00:18:37,242 --> 00:18:39,044
Ugh.
512
00:18:39,069 --> 00:18:42,563
I'm gonna need that bathrobe dry-cleaned.
513
00:18:42,898 --> 00:18:45,932
[upbeat rock music]
514
00:18:45,934 --> 00:18:54,024
♪
♪
515
00:18:54,785 --> 00:18:57,658
Hey. Could I talk to you?
516
00:18:57,683 --> 00:19:01,010
Yeah. Come on in.
517
00:19:01,035 --> 00:19:03,418
- Hi.
- Hi.
518
00:19:05,417 --> 00:19:09,274
First of all, I want to thank you
519
00:19:09,299 --> 00:19:13,373
for giving me my big
break in this business.
520
00:19:13,398 --> 00:19:14,698
Without you believing in me, I...
521
00:19:14,700 --> 00:19:17,381
I know about the Hachette offer.
522
00:19:17,615 --> 00:19:18,712
Oh.
523
00:19:18,737 --> 00:19:21,468
I can't match their money,
524
00:19:21,493 --> 00:19:24,127
but I can offer you something
525
00:19:24,152 --> 00:19:25,665
that you won't get anywhere else.
526
00:19:25,690 --> 00:19:29,105
Your own imprint geared
towards 20-somethings.
527
00:19:29,130 --> 00:19:30,616
You'll choose the projects.
528
00:19:30,641 --> 00:19:33,505
You'll have editorial control,
and you can pick your team.
529
00:19:33,530 --> 00:19:34,467
Are you serious?
530
00:19:34,469 --> 00:19:35,940
Yeah.
531
00:19:35,964 --> 00:19:37,139
It's a big step up,
532
00:19:37,164 --> 00:19:40,818
but I think you're ready.
533
00:19:40,843 --> 00:19:43,115
Thank you.
534
00:19:43,562 --> 00:19:45,428
- Is that a yes?
- Yeah.
535
00:19:45,430 --> 00:19:46,940
Yes.
536
00:19:49,842 --> 00:19:52,246
- Hi.
- Hi.
537
00:19:52,271 --> 00:19:54,713
Um, there's something
that I need to tell you.
538
00:19:54,738 --> 00:19:56,224
Will you sit down?
539
00:19:56,249 --> 00:19:57,365
No.
540
00:19:57,390 --> 00:19:59,265
You sit.
541
00:19:59,290 --> 00:20:02,158
Charles just gave me my own imprint.
542
00:20:02,183 --> 00:20:03,466
What?
543
00:20:03,491 --> 00:20:05,800
For millennials, by millennials.
544
00:20:05,825 --> 00:20:06,975
I get to run it.
545
00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:08,011
That's fantastic!
546
00:20:08,036 --> 00:20:11,695
It's gonna be huge, and I
want you to be a part of it.
547
00:20:12,194 --> 00:20:15,257
- Really?
- Of course, yes! You're smart.
548
00:20:15,282 --> 00:20:18,100
You're young. You have great taste.
549
00:20:18,125 --> 00:20:22,211
I don't want to do this without you.
550
00:20:22,236 --> 00:20:24,279
Then I'm here for you.
551
00:20:24,304 --> 00:20:28,769
We're gonna be 26-year-old bosses.
552
00:20:31,171 --> 00:20:34,673
Wait, you had something to tell me.
553
00:20:34,698 --> 00:20:36,402
Nothing.
554
00:20:36,427 --> 00:20:39,373
- Yay!
- Ah!
555
00:20:39,398 --> 00:20:41,810
Oh, my God.
38367
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