Original subtitles

♪ ♪

(shrieks)

(tires screech)

D'oh!

(grunts)

‐(woozy groaning) ‐(whirring)

‐(grunting) ‐("We Can Make the World Stop" by the Glitch Mob playing)

(shouts)

(shouting)

♪ ♪

(propeller whirring)

‐Flanders. ‐(shouts)

♪ ♪

(tires screech)

(screams)

(screams)

(shatters)

(theme music playing)

♪ ♪

Hmm.

‐(chittering) ‐(yelps)

Maybe we should find a new playground.

("La Primavera" by Vivaldi playing)

Oh. Well, this looks nice.

Har‐har.

Shady trees,

bathrooms with doors

and that loopy‐loop slide

dumps you out on soft recycled tires.

Oh, Pirellis.

Oh, look! It's your friend Hudson.

My son seems to really like your daughter.

‐Courtney. ‐Marge.

(chuckles) Is that ironic or retro?

It's my name.

They're having so much fun.

‐Is she free for a playdate tomorrow? ‐Yes.

Has she been in the same room as a peanut recently?

No.

Can I check off her vaccinations?

TB? DTaP? Measles‐mumps‐rubella?

Yes, yes, yes.

Breast or bottle?

Bottle, but I'm not a monster.

I can bring cookies.

(laughs)

White sugar. That's hilarious.

I'll have to tell my partner you said that.

Well, I'm gonna tell my partner you mocked white sugar.

See you tomorrow.

Pancakes are on the table, Homie.

And flapjacks will be ready in a few minutes.

Marge, I'm trying to lose weight.

Pancakes will be fine.

Are you sure?

I have to face facts.

In some small ways,

I've let myself go.

What's wrong? Who died?

We're worried you will.

We want you to live longer, Dad.

Never what I want.

(sighs) Fine.

You know what, skip the pancakes.

I'll just have...

a grapefruit to go.

(gasping)

I didn't see the moon landing or the fall of the Berlin Wall,

but I did see my father take a grapefruit to go.

(triumphant music plays)

(tires screech)

Thanks a lot, pal!

You cost us the pennant!

Yeah, right there!

Ah, yesterday's pizza.

I've been dreaming about you, my friend.

While I slept, I said, "Extra large."

But I told my wife I said, "Sexy Marge."

(laughs)

("The Blue Danube" by Johann Strauss II playing)

Oh, why didn't I put on my pizza‐eating gloves?

Oh...

("Halloween Theme" by John Carpenter playing)

(phone rings)

CARL: Where are you, Homer?

Burns just called a staff meeting.

The only seats are next to him.

Oh, God, I need a miracle.

Hey, why don't you bring a balloon to your coworkers?

They're like kites without the hard work.

How long have you been selling balloons?

It's an interesting story.

♪ Well, this is a story of a poor mountain man ♪

♪ Spoke worse English than Mr. Jackie Chan ♪

♪ Then one day, he was tendin' to his still ♪

♪ Heard a hissing sound and his pants began to fill ♪

Helium.

See‐through gold.

Symbol, H‐E.

♪ Well, the first thing you know... ♪

(exhales)

He's gone.

My best friend is gone.

BURNS: I want you to know

that the coworker you thought was Chip Incognito

was actually me undercover.

Sorry I'm late, everybody. Here, have a balloon.

Simpson, Mr. Burns is a Fortune 500 CEO.

He's not going to...

Quiet, you fool.

(inhales) Mmm.

(high‐pitched voice): Pure, uncut helium.

Thanks to birthday balloons, rarer than ever.

Smithers, might I remind you we pay a fortune

for helium to cool our reactors?

(high‐pitched): Right as always, sir.

That price is sky‐high!

Where did you get this?

Oh, the bumpkin I got it from has tons of it.

But I got to warn you‐‐

he has no idea of what it's worth.

Excellent. (chuckles)

How I love a good swindle.

‐What do you think? ‐(whimpers)

He called on me!

Bah.

As for you, Simpson, Employee of the Month.

HOMER: So, Marge,

I killed it at the staff meeting today.

The key is preparation.

Something amazing has happened to Maggie.

She's in love.

Aw.

If this gets any cuter, I'm gonna bust.

Aw! Ooh!

(barking)

Aw...!

(knocking)

BRANDINE: Cletus, get the dang door!

I can't very well answer the door with an unloaded shotgun,

can I, woman?

(stilted Southern accent): Howdy, neighbor.

May I offer you some Manhattan squirrel chowder?

(sniffing) You smell like indoor plumbin'.

(normal voice:) Mm. He's onto us.

No need to pretend we're inbred hicks.

(grunts) No offense, goober.

None taken.

(bleats)

All right, Spuckler, you've got helium, which I want.

I've got what you want,

a tin cup filled with dimes.

‐Let's make a deal. ‐(jangling)

Now, hold on.

I likes to have a drink with a feller

beforen I make a busy‐ness deal.

(chuckles) I have imbibed every intoxicant

from sweet Yale beer to Flint, Michigan water.

Do your worst.

(gulps, shudders)

Absolutely no effect upon my...

(groaning)

(upbeat cabaret music playing)

Sir, maybe this Spuckler fellow

is a little smarter than we thought.

Nonsense.

Ow!

(whimpers)

Hmm. Perhaps it takes an idiot to catch an idiot.

Hello!

Could I get a little help?

I dropped my sandwich in here.

You and Mr. Spuckler will enter into what the hoi polloi

called a "friendship,"

then use that friendship to destroy his life

from the inside out.

I don't know. He's got kids.

I can't cheat a family out of their home.

Mm‐hmm. But you're perfectly fine

cheating me out of their home.

Oh. You're trying to confuse me.

I got to get out. Where's the trap door?

(whirring)

(hoarsely): Save me.

You know Weinstein from Accounting.

(chuckles)

If you're confused,

perhaps these two gentlemen can clarify things.

This fellow loves inflicting pain.

And this fellow loves to laugh

while he watches this one produce the pain.

Are you the pain guy or the laugh guy?

‐(grunts) ‐(groans)

(laughing)

Answer the question.

‐D'oh! ‐(laughing)

Hello?

Maggie Simpson here for a playdate.

COURTNEY: Hudson's on a conference call.

‐I'll buzz you in. ‐(buzzes)

You have a lovely home.

What is this floor made out of?

The tile was a Venetian church

which we dismantled, shipped over by small boat

and had lovingly installed by a 99‐year‐old I. M. Pei.

That sounds pricey.

No, the toilet is pricey.

The plumbers we hired to replace it are very inefficient.

(Donkey Kong Country theme playing)

♪ ♪

Let's go, you little runts.

What? Are your diapers full?

Would you like some coffee as you fill out a sexual history?

Sexual history?

So our babies can be friends?

Here's mine.

(mechanical barking)

All right.

Cream, no sugar.

So unusual to see a baby with a pacifier these days.

Your baby has such interesting hair.

You don't mind that I babyproofed your baby

‐from my baby, do you? ‐Yes, I do.

Very much.

Maggie, let's go. Now.

And we're not coming back.

(melancholy music plays)

(pickax tapping)

(Southern accent): Whatcha doing there, friend?

Good to see you again.

‐A‐yup. ‐A‐yup.

Nothing like a good "a‐yup"

‐to put a man at ease. ‐A‐yup.

‐A‐yup. ‐A‐yup.

‐A‐yup. ‐A‐nope.

I mean, a‐yup.

Say, friend,

looks like you're working awful hard

to suck the helium into them thar Mylar balloons.

Oh, it's powerful tiresome.

But the Lord done put helium under my feet,

and I must not spill it into the sky.

BURNS: Now, listen.

Explain that you have a way to make his life easier.

Pretend it's your idea.

He's stupid enough to believe you have an idea.

Say, "What if I told you

there was a way to harvest that noble gas?"

"What if I told you there was a way to harvest that noble gas

without the strain on your mouth puffer."

I'd say, "Aw, pshaw,"

but then I'd follow it with a "Go on."

‐BURNS: Excellent. ‐"Excellent."

BURNS: No, don't say excellent.

"No, don't say excellent."

BURNS: No, don't say that, either.

"No, don't say that, either."

‐BURNS: Just shut up. ‐"Just shut up."

I'll have to mull your proposal,

especially that last crazy part.

(exhales) You just saved me a passel of work.

Now I can spend more time making more family.

Homer J. Simpson.

Cletus Delroy Montfort Bigglesworth Spuckler.

Now, let's go yonder

and get ourselves a mess of catfish.

All right, I'm gonna get my arm so deep into that catfish hole,

that ole chucklehead just bites my bone.

Easy‐peasy.

(screams)

Now, don't scare him. It sours up the flavor.

(screaming)

(whimpers) It's licking my eye.

‐(grunting) ‐(screaming)

‐Is it dead? ‐Mm‐hmm.

Thank you.

All right, nothing like

a good ole Spuckler family fish fry.

Dear Lord, thank you for bringing

this hairless swamp beast our way.

‐Aw. ‐His wisdom regarding your mystery balloon gas

has helped us Spucklers become a two‐radio family.

Homer, I want to be your partner.

Seal the deal with a hillbilly handshake.

Come on.

I consider you family now,

which is not really that select a circle.

(upbeat cabaret music playing)

BURNS: Excellent.

(gasps) Where'd that come from?

Well done, Simpson. We'll take him for everything

except the couch on his lawn.

Well, but we're family.

‐Couldn't you just screw him half over? ‐(scoffs)

No one screws anyone half over.

It's like having half a billion dollars.

What's the point of that?

What's up?

I think we're both upset,

but I'm worried you're gonna talk first.

No, you go ahead.

(sighs) I'm supposed to screw over a guy

that's only been nice to me.

I'm denying Maggie happiness

‐because I can't stand the mother of her friend. ‐Aw.

Maggie'll be fine.

I just played with her.

(chuckles) She still thinks I've got her nose.

Wait, where'd I put it?

Not here.

No. No.

Oh, look what you found.

I have something I need to tell you.

(groans)

Hudson had a birthday party,

but I didn't tell you, so you missed it.

I can explain.

That other mom was just so annoying

with her aerial silks and those yoga pants.

She does Pilates, not yoga.

She made me feel bad about myself.

You get it, right? Right?

♪ ♪

Get this contract signed, Simpson.

‐Or what? ‐Hmm.

Perhaps you need a little taste of what's in store.

‐(grunts) ‐Ow!

(laughs)

Sorry, Smithers.

We didn't want to leave a mark that Cletus could see.

But you could've warned me first.

Fair enough. Watch your back.

‐(grunts) ‐(laughs)

Well, if it ain't my bestest friend

on God's flat Earth.

‐Oh. ‐So, what's in your hand?

Some sort of a friendship certificate?

Uh, you know, just something

to put our partnership on the up‐and‐up.

Hey, what's more up‐and‐up than the helium business?

(laughs)

‐Ain't you gonna read it? ‐I trust you,

like a sheep trusts a friendly wolf.

(squawks)

I signs with an "X"

'cause that's the kind of iPhone I got.

And now for the second slash

that makes it official.

Oh, I need a straightedge.

Straight‐Edge! Get over here, boy!

Yes, Daddy.

I can't do it.

‐You done floated my mark‐maker. ‐I won't

let you sign it. It's all a trick to steal your helium.

You was gonna steal from a man what has 29 kids?

BRANDINE: 30. (gasps) 31!

Yeah, but I told you before it was too late.

Okay, we're still buddies.

Getting mad at city folk for lying

is like getting mad at your six‐year‐old

for not cleaning her gun. (chuckles)

‐Put her there. ‐Uh, that's your left hand.

They's both left hands.

Simpson, you fool.

I hope you kissed your wife well this morning,

because it will be the last one.

Well, it was a medium.

Part of it hit her ear.

Hey, you harm my friend,

you ain't getting balloon one of my helium.

And I mean ever.

Quite the dilemma.

Smithers, solve this if you don't want another kick.

Cletus, about your helium.

What if we paid you a fair price?

County fair or state fair?

I can't lose to someone so stupid.

Goons, get him.

We'll pay you what's right.

We have a deal. Have your people call my basset hound.

Well, this'll help you forget your billionaire troubles.

Have a toke on this, friend.

(high‐pitched): Help me! Help me!

You'll rue the day.

Smithers, power lines!

‐(screams) ‐(goon laughing)

Oh, Maggie.

You're too young to be miserable the rest of your life.

In this rom‐com,

I am not going to be the mean mother.

Let's go.

(tires screech)

(sighs) You know, the one thing we have in common

is we're willing to pretend

that we like each other for our children.

To that, I say, "Kiss‐kiss."

("Wedding March" playing)

("You're My Best Friend" by Queen playing)

♪ Ooh, we're sharing some grits ♪

♪ Yours has butter, mine has possum gravy ♪

♪ We're pals, so I eat your weird food ♪

♪ Woo‐hoo‐hoo ♪

♪ Ooh, you're making me fat now, Homer ♪

♪ I don't have long to live ♪

♪ Ooh, you're the best friend ♪

♪ That I ever had ♪

♪ You're the one who keeps my balloons flyin' ♪

♪ You're my moonshine, and I want you to know ♪

♪ That I'm not sniffing glue ♪

♪ I really love you ♪

♪ Oh, you're my best friend ♪

♪ Ooh, you gave me your tooth ♪

♪ I love that you're whittlin' a stool for me ♪

♪ I need two, one for each cheek ♪

♪ Two, you'll have 'em next week, now, Homer ♪

♪ Cool, let's pee in the creek ♪

♪ Ooh, you're a mountain man ♪

♪ Who lives off the grid ♪

♪ You chased off Burns with a shotgun ♪

♪ That was such fun ♪

♪ And I love to drink ♪

♪ The methanol ♪

♪ From your still ♪

♪ Ooh, you're my best friend ♪

CLETUS: ♪ Ooh, you're my best friend ♪

HOMER: ♪ Ooh, I might not live ♪

BOTH: ♪ Ooh, you're my best friend. ♪

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH

Shh!