Original subtitles

Gather around, people.

Welcome to Brooklyn Hood's Legends Tour.

I'm your guide, Tray Barker.

I was born and raised on these Brooklyn streets,

and I'm gonna transport you back into a time

before boba tea and double-foam lattes.

This spot right here, the police arrested

the most infamous stickup kid in Brooklyn... Mezzo Mike.

- He was the ladies' choice. - _

A stickup kid with a golden voice.

♪ Everybody, get on the motherfuckin' ground ♪

♪ I'm so sorry I have to do this ♪

♪ Run me yo' shit, nigga ♪

♪ Run me yo' shit ♪

♪ Bitch, you know what it is ♪

♪ Run me yo' shit, nigga, run me yo' shit ♪

♪ Bitch, you know what it is ♪

Who I got to rob around here to get a half-pound of roast beef?

Legend has it Mike could sing your pockets dry

and your girl's panties wet.

Sometimes at the same time.

♪ Ooh, I want your wallet ♪

♪ I want your jewels and the keys to your car ♪

♪ And don't you try to run from me ♪

♪ 'Cause you won't get very fa-a-a-a-r ♪

Police finally caught up to him when, during a getaway,

Mike couldn't resist one last shoobie-doobie-doo.

♪ They're never gonna find me ♪

♪ They're never gonna find me ♪

♪ No, they're never gonna find me ♪

♪ These motherfuckas found me ♪

Even at his trial,

he tried to serenade his way out of a conviction.

♪ Your Honor, I'm sorry, sorry, sorry ♪

♪ And to the victims, I'm sorry, sorry, sorry ♪

♪ And to my family, I'm sorry, sorry, sorry ♪

Are you done?

How does the jury find the defendant?

We find the defendant...

- ♪ Ooh ♪ - ♪ Guilty as charged ♪

- What? - ♪ You gonna go to jail for 15 years ♪

Mike didn't let incarceration end his dream.

For his latest prison performance,

"Scam-ilton", he received a Tony.

Hi. I'm Tony.

Oh, shit.

♪ My friends on the team broke like me, too ♪

♪ So you might get stumped, that's crazy glue ♪

♪ They want bass when they come through ♪

Makin' me so sad, girl.

♪ 'Cause it takes two ♪

Oh.

Perfect.

Hi! Sorry, hi.

I'm sorry to bring the whole crew over.

Uh, this one has a tendency to run off.

Hey, I'm... I'm Paul from across the hall.

Hey, Paul from across the hall.

I'm Tray from around the way.

Nostrand and Halsey, right up the block from the A Train.

You do know you have a baby

sticking out of your body, right?

You look like a marsupial.

I learned that word in a law library.

Oh, yeah, this is my... my son, Ace.

We're doing attachment parenting.

Oh, that is cool.

- Hey, princess! - My name is Max.

- Oh, Maxine? - No. Max.

My wife and I don't believe in traditional gender roles.

Uh, that's part of the reason why she's off pursuing her passion.

- Right. - She's the C.E.O. of a Fortune 500 company.

Good for her. I think that's great.

And then I'm tasked with raising the next generation

of empathetic men and empowered women.

We're a partnership.

Oh, I know that's right.

So you're the white Stedman.

Wow, that's...

He's a... Oh, that means a lot to me.

He's... He's a personal hero of mine.

Um... Oh, I'm so sorry.

This my wife calling.

Uh, go for Paul.

Uh, yes, ma'am.

I know it's 8:05.

It's... We're just running a little bit behind.

Yes, no, I'm... I'm talking to him now.

Okay, bye-bye. I lo...

Anyway, uh, so, we're running a little late

for a naptime, but my wife was wondering

if maybe you could turn down the music.

- She can hear it on the nanny cam. - Yeah, I'm so sorry, sir.

Say less. I got it.

I'll take this outside.

I was going outside to get some fresh air anyway.

- Okay. - But I want you to know

I'm the new handyman, okay?

And if you and yours need anything fixed, you call me,

and I'm gonna come quicker than Superman on Ex-Lax.

That's fast.

And you know that deliciousness you smelling?

- Mmm. - That's for the housewarming tonight

to meet my... all my new neighbors, you know?

You are the first invite.

You should ask your wife to come with you, you know?

'Cause once y'all taste that,

y'all gonna be an attachment couple.

Y'all might even start making more babies.

Okay. Well, we'll... we'll play it by ear.

Okay.

Take care, Princess.

My name's Max.

Oh, okay.

Alexa, check today's traffic.

Right now, traffic on your commute looks good.

The fastest route takes about 40 minutes

via Atlantic Avenue and 6th Avenue.

What's for breakfast?

Oats. Where's your brother?

Upstairs, trying to get cute.

He's changed his outfit like five times.

Too bad he can't change his face.

Uh, careful. I helped make that face.

Shahzad! Get down here!

Don't make me have to come up there an get you!

With your ugly face.

I... What did I say about that?

Oh!

Who is she and what is her name?

Nobody.

Her name is Symone, and she's in his science class.

Oh, Symone!

That is a cute name. Tell me all about her.

There's really nothing to tell.

She likes him and he likes her,

but all they do is act weird around each other.

No, we don't! You don't know what you're talking about.

It's okay. Getting to know someone can be awkward for anybody.

So, what do I talk to her about?

Whatever you have in common.

Movies, music.

Dancing? Yeah, we both like dancing.

Okay, well, show her some of your moves.

You know what? You should have her come by the house after school.

- Really? - Yeah.

- I'd love to meet her. - I think it's a great idea.

And I'll be sure to bring popcorn.

Just remember, okay, when it comes to the ladies,

use the word "Queen".

It's about respect.

And if you want to give her a compliment,

do that from the neck up.

I don't want you out here objectifying women.

And please don't use no lame-ass pickup lines like,

"Oh, heaven must be missing an angel".

Hey, that's Tray.

Is that the one he used to get you?

No.

Okay, yes, but I was a different woman then.

Finish y'all breakfast.

Yeah. You better tell your man to hold your hand tight.

The big bad wolf is out there.

Ooh.

Whoa.

What if I told you heaven must be missing an angel?

'Cause I'm looking at one standing right in front of me now.

I would say you must be missing a chromosome

if you think that tired-ass line is gonna work.

But wait!

You sassy, I'm sweet, so we go together

like grape juice and dill pickles.

How about a smile?

I woke up at the ass-crack of dawn,

got on a subway where I was sandwiched

in between a human fart and a horny 15-year-old

just so I can go to work where I'm paid 30% less than a man,

and I had to stand on my feet for 10 hours a day,

trying to dismantle the patriarchy,

just so no woman has to answer the question,

"Can I get a smile?"

I'll take that as a "no".

So at least let me get the door for you.

I don't know what bunker you just crawled out of,

but it's a new day.

Women are capable of opening their own doors.

Share the memo.

You know there's an expiration date on that attitude.

Damn, she Scary Spice.

- Who you here for? - Paul Tilman.

Oh, he upstairs putting his kids to sleep.

- Yo, Paul! - What is it?

You got a package down here!

Okay, thanks. I'll buzz him up.

- What?! - I'll buzz him up!

Oh, oh!

You ain't gonna get no tip, man. You just woke his kids up.

Oh, that's my joint.

♪ I never been tooken out ♪

Yeah, but my soul mate left me,

and I've been trying to consciously uncouple,

but my birth mother refuses to give me my birth time

so I can't even do my natal chart.

So you'll send someone to fix my sink today?

Oh, thank you, Mr. Kelley.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Namaste. Okay.

♪ Enough to make or break and shake your... ♪

♪ As I create rhymes good as a tastycake makes ♪

♪ Bring it on back, yeah ♪

♪ Shame on you, when you step through to ♪

Hey, Mr. Kelley.

Huh? A clogged drain in apartment 2A?

Yes, sir, okay.

One.

♪ Shame on you, when you step through to ♪

This door. Looks like this isn't working very well.

♪ Shame on you, when you step through to ♪

♪ Shame on you, when you step through to ♪

♪ The Ol' Dirty Bastard ♪

♪ In your face like a can of mace, baby ♪

♪ Is it burning? Well... ♪

My body is mine! It belongs to me!

Can we please keep it down? What is going on?

He followed me inside when I was waiting for the handyman.

He is the handyman.

Oh.

- Hey, babe. - Hey.

- Snacks, thank you. - Ah, that's for Shahzad and Symone.

- Oh, wow, you are so excited. - Of course I am.

- Aren't you? - Yeah.

Yeah, I can't wait to meet the girl

who inspired him to cut his fingernails.

I just hope she ain't no ghetto, twerkin' hoochie.

I'll get it.

Here we go.

Mom, Dad, this is my queen.

Hi.

Oh, this is gonna be good.

What kind of military-grade pepper spray is this?

Oh, you could crush a citizen uprising.

Y'all need to send this to Hong Kong right now!

Uh, Tray, you'll actually be happy to know that

that is not real pepper spray.

That is a product I'm reviewing for Goop.

- Ooh! - Yeah, the new, um, Yoni tea mist with, uh,

lemon grass and tea tree oil.

Actually, while I have you,

did you find the scent awakening?

Ugh, I find it burning!

Good to know.

Well, that's alkaline water,

so it should neutralize the sting a bit.

Oh, okay, I'm feeling better.

You might want to put these back in the freezer.

Um, no, they're all yours.

Okay.

Oh, what am I supposed to fix now?

The sink. It's been clogged for days.

Okay. This'll be a cinch.

What I'm gonna need is a jug of lemonade,

some baking soda, and a box of perm.

Well, uh, I've got some lemonade.

And I have baking soda.

Why would you assume I have a box of perm?

My grandma sends me one every month.

Okay, all done.

Thank you so much!

Do you want anything to drink?

Do you want a green tea, a bone broth?

Ooh, I have Kombucha.

Oh, no, thank you. I got a little rule.

If I can't pronounce it, I don't drink it.

That's why you never see me drinking

that Pigio Grigio stuff.

- Okay. - But this here...

I'm having a little housewarming tonight,

and I'd like to invite you ladies.

Ladies, my Mercedes.

- Maybe. - Alright, man, okay.

Hey, Paul is coming.

Oh, I'm playing it by ear.

- I'm playing it by ear. - Okay.

Alright. Bye, Tray.

I'd rather spray that Yoni mist in my Yoni.

Have you guys seen my phone?

No. You sure you brought it inside?

Yeah, I'm sure.

- I'll just call it. - Yeah, wait, no. It's on silent.

Okay, well, where did you have it last?

Uh, okay, I came in the door,

I put my bags down over there,

and then I put my phone down right next to...

Tray.

Do you guys think he maybe, like, accidentally stole it?

- Oh. - Why?

- Because he's black? - No.

Uh, you're profiling again.

Just because Tray's an ex-con

does not mean he stole your phone.

Wait, wait, Tray's an ex-con?

How... How do you know that?

Just a little routine background check.

Oh, God, I got it, so now you're profiling.

No, that's not what this is.

I do a background check on everybody

who moves in the building.

And, Paul, you should probably tell your wife

she needs to check on that speeding ticket.

Oh, okay. Uh, I'll let her know.

Actually, we should get going. Max, let's go.

Max? Where's my daughter?

I lost my daughter. Max?

Okay, you don't have it that bad.

Stick with Daddy!

Your dad seems like a really nice guy.

- Thank you. - Thanks so much for inviting me.

I'm having a great time.

Hey. What's the matter?

You seem upset.

I didn't think she was gonna show up white.

Okay.

Well, I hate to be the bearer

of what is apparently bad news,

but you're married to a white guy.

I know, but this caught me off guard, you know?

I was... I was expecting to see Moesha,

not Marcia Brady.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, I get it.

Who is Marcia Brady?

That's why I married you.

We've built an Earthship this year.

I'm really excited about it.

That's cool. Who's your partner?

- Melody Swanson. - Oh, lucky you.

She's the prettiest girl in school.

I mean, she's okay.

But I think you're the prettiest girl in the school.

- Really? - Yeah.

I mean, you're beautiful.

Your hair i-is so soft and silky.

Your eyes...

i-it's like a big, blue ocean.

And your skin, wow.

I-It's like porcelain.

I got you guys snacks.

Thank you, Mrs. Birkeland.

Here, let me get that for you.

Oh.

At your service, my queen.

You're so nice.

What's up? I'm Tray.

I got a request to repair your toilet.

Oh, yeah, you must be the handyman, right?

Nope. I'm a black man who happened to be handy.

- I didn't mean to offend you. - It's alright, man.

I just got sprayed in the face by some skinny blonde chick.

Ah, yeah, you met Luna.

Yeah, she's a little high-strung,

but totally harmless.

And as beautiful as a butterfly.

Y'all a couple?

No, she reminds me of a reindeer

I once met in Finland, you know?

Wild, majestic.

But as I coaxed the milk from her reindeer teat,

I just thought, you know, "Too much work".

Yeah, I know.

Sometimes sucking reindeer titties could be...

Hey, could I come in, man?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, okay.

Yo! This is tight!

You got your own Dave & Buster's.

Yeah. This is Miles.

He sets it all up, so...

What's up, Miles?

Yeah, Miles isn't much for human interaction, so...

The form is too limiting.

I prefer to transfer my consciousness to the cloud.

Well, he's a walking, talking Stephen Hawking.

Let's get to this bathroom.

Yeah.

This is not the bathroom.

No, no, that's my place.

- Oh, you's locked up. - No, no.

See, I've adopted a minimalist lifestyle.

- That's what you call it? - Yeah, yeah.

I just don't assign meaning to money or things, you know?

I just, uh, keep myself in peak condition,

so I'm ready for adventure.

You know, the elation, jumping out of an airplane.

Or... Or the ecstasy of... of the conquest of reaching

the very top of the snow peaks of Mount Kilimanjaro.

Or... Or the thrill of swimming with the sharks

in South Africa.

You know, these...

these are the things that I live for.

You know what all those things have in common?

- What? - White people.

I knew I was gonna get him.

Mm, yep, yep, there it is, there it is, right there.

I knew it.

Yep, just like I thought.

You got a crack, but it ain't leaking through yet.

I'm going to run to the store and get some supplies.

I'm gonna come back tomorrow morning

- and patch it all up for you, alright? - Right, yeah.

But if y'all are not doing nothing tonight,

why don't you swing by?

- I'm having a little get-together. - Yeah?

Okay, yeah, I got this fine chick coming to.

She got a glass leg with Kool-Aid in it.

You might like that.

What?

I can't believe he's acting like a servant for her.

Uh, I think he's just trying to be a gentleman.

You were the one that told him to treat her like a queen.

That's when I thought it was a black queen.

You are being really hypocritical right now.

You just don't understand.

I'm trying to get this dance down, but I just can't.

Really? It's easy.

I'll show you. Look.

It's like an angry pirate processor.

Here's how you do it.

You got it.

Keep going.

You were the one that told him to show her those moves.

I know what I said! I was there when I said it.

Give me this.

Sorry to barge in on you guys.

So, we noticed that Tray just left your apartment,

and we were wondering.

Did you notice anything missing?

No. Why?

Okay, so, something happened

that's gonna make me sound racist.

But I mean, you of all people know I'm not racist.

I mean, come on, I have a picture of Colin Kaepernick

as my screensaver.

- Luna. - What?

What's your point?

I think that Tray may have accidentally stolen my phone.

Have you asked him if he has it?

No, I can't ask him that.

Then I would sound racist.

Why not use the Find My iPhone app?

We can find its location, make it ring.

If it's on his person, we'll hear it.

Ooh! That's a good idea.

Okay, um, how can we do that?

We just need to get inside his apartment somehow.

Well, he has that, uh, party tonight. We can all go.

Yeah. I guess he can't kill all of us.

Okay, Isis, you just got mad at me for that.

What? Paul was thinking it, too.

This guy was thinking the same thing.

I'm embarrassed about the way I acted.

Symone's a nice girl.

It's just hard for me to understand why

Shahzad wouldn't want

to be with a girl that looks like his mother.

Well, why don't you go ask him, you know?

I'm sure he's still up.

You know what?

I will.

Thanks.

You find the best videos.

I love hanging out with you.

I love hanging out with you.

I got to go.

I'll see you tomorrow at school.

So...

did you have fun today?

Yeah, I did.

Thank you, Ma.

For everything.

You're welcome.

Um, let me ask you something.

What do you see in Symone?

Don't get me wrong. I like her.

I'm just curious as to what you like about her.

Well, she's not like other girls.

She doesn't care about looking cute all the time.

She knows she's pretty without makeup.

She's funny.

I can talk to her about a lot of things.

She's smart.

She's nice to everyone.

But tough when she needs to be, too.

Actually, Ma, she kind of reminds me of you.

Son, that's why I like her, too.

- Good night. - Good night.

You're bringing your baby to a housewarming party?

Oh, uh, he missed his nap today, so he's gonna be up for a while.

- Okay. - At least Laura and Max will get some sleep.

- Okay. - Okay, I'm gonna turn on the alert.

- Yeah. - Yes.

Hmm. It's saying it's right here.

Oh, no, no, no.

I didn't... I didn't take it. I swear.

Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh.

Oh, okay.

Well, look at what Ace took.

Ooh, ooh, ooh! Thief!

- Thief! - I'm so sorry.

Uh, he must've taken it off the counter.

He's in a very grabby stage.

You guys, we almost just made a huge mistake.

The only mistake would've been getting stuck

at this stupid party.

Yo, what's up? Y'all made it.

Come on.

- So primal. - I know it is.

That's a beef patty between that girl's legs.

She could make a Sprite can disappear with her mouth.

It's on Google. Check it out.

Hey, listen!

I really appreciate y'all coming out like this.

Okay, most of the time when you move into a new neighborhood,

your neighbors are usually suspicious

or very judgmental of you.

But not y'all.

You've been treating me good since I met you.

That's friendship, and I need it,

and I don't want to get too sentimental here,

so that's why I'm gonna turn the music on.

It's right over there. I got some music, y'all.

Let's get down.

I want to see somebody do the Funky Chicken.

Somebody do it!