Original subtitles

( coughing )

( groans )

( heavy equipment rumbling )

( clattering )

( coughing )

( hammering, stapling )

( power saw running )

( thudding )

CHARLIE?

Man: ACTUALLY, TELL JEFF TO COME HERE NOW...

YEAH, UM, HAVE YOU SEEN MY ASSISTANT?

HE'S ABOUT THIS TALL, DARK HAIR.

NO.

HE CAN'T HIDE FROM ME, NOT IN MY OWN HOUSE.

( phone ringing )

Woman: HEY, THIS IS CHARLOTTE. I CAN'T GET TO THE PHONE NOW.

LEAVE A MESSAGE, AND I'LL CALL YOU BACK.

YEAH, WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?

IT'S 1:00 ALREADY.

( stapling, saw whirring )

GIRLS' NIGHT OUT?

OR WERE THERE BOYS TOO?

SOME BOYS, SOME GIRLS. YEAH.

FIGURES.

DID YOU HAVE FUN?

YEP.

HOW IS IT THAT, UM,

THAT YOU DON'T RETURN A SINGLE CALL?

I DON'T KNOW. SERVICE?

RIGHT.

THERE'S NO FOOD IN THERE.

FUCK THE FOOD. WHERE'S THE FUCKIN' ICE?

GODDAMN IT! WHERE'S KARLA?

IF I ASK HER TO DO ONE FUCKING THING FOR ME,

IT'S JUST TO MAKE SURE I'M WELL-STOCKED WITH ICE.

I MEAN, GOD!

KARLA'S OFF. WHY ARE YOU SO UPTIGHT?

I'M NOT UPTIGHT, JUST THIRSTY.

WHAT?

WHAT?

YOU KNOW, I, UM...

I DON'T MIND THAT YOU GO OUT EVERY NIGHT.

IT'D JUST BE NICE IF YOU RETURNED A CALL

NOW AND AGAIN.

YOU KNOW?

JUST SO I KNOW YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.

HERE. SHAKE IT.

ENOUGH?

FILL IT UP. COME ON. COME ON.

OH, IT'S MAKING ME SICK.

WELL, HERE.

COME ON. VITAMIN C. IT'LL HELP YOU WITH THE HANGOVER.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? TRUST ME.

I DON'T WANT IT.

OKAY.

AH, YOU'RE MISSING OUT.

I MAKE ONE HELL OF A MARTINI.

BY THE WAY,

WHO TOLD YOU YOU COULD BORROW MY CAR EVERY SINGLE NIGHT?

WHAT IF I HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE? WHERE ARE YOU GONNA GO?

SOMEWHERE. ANYWHERE. WHERE ARE YOU GONNA GO?

YOU LOST YOUR LICENSE.

NO, I DIDN'T. I HAVE MY LICENSE.

OKAY, WHATEVER.

DID YOU GET LAID LAST NIGHT?

THAT'S FUNNY, HUH? FUNNY. WHY, DID YOU?

WHAT, LADIES NEVER TELL?

I HAVE TO SHOWER.

YEAH, THAT'S PROBABLY A GOOD IDEA. YOU KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE YOUR FACE IS STARTING TO RUN OFF YOUR FACE.

WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

( hammer pounding, saw whirring )

( groans ) YOU KIDDING ME?

SHIT!

UH-HUH. UH-HUH. I UNDERSTAND.

HOW MANY OF THESE DO I HAVE TO SIGN?

THE WHOLE BOX?

WHY?

OH, GOD.

I'M TRYING TO SWITCH GENRES, PATTY.

I NEED NEW MATERIAL. THE FUCKING WATER'S OFF.

PATTY, I NEED TO CALL YOU BACK.

YES, YES. I'LL SIGN THEM. I'LL SIGN THEM.

ALL RIGHT, BYE.

WHAT? THE WATER IS OFF.

WELL, GO USE MY SHOWER THEN.

AND AFTER THAT, I NEED YOU TO HELP ME SIGN THESE BOOKS.

THE WATER IS GOING TO BE

OFF IN YOUR BATHROOM TOO.

WHAT IS THAT, ANOTHER REX STEPHENS CLASSIC?

I WROTE THIS BEFORE YOU EVEN HIT PUBERTY.

AND, YES, SOME PEOPLE CALL IT A CLASSIC.

OKAY, NOW, HEMINGWAY WAS A CLASSIC. STEINBECK.

NOT REX STEPHENS.

I MEAN, EVEN BUKOWSKI, IF YOU ASK ME.

I LIKE THOSE PEOPLE TOO. I'M SURE YOU DO.

WHAT, DID YOU THINK I WAS GONNA WALK ALL THE WAY DOWN HERE NAKED?

WHY'D YOU MAKE ME GET OFF THE PHONE, CHARLOTTE? THAT WAS BUSINESS.

BECAUSE THE FUCKING WATER IS OFF.

WHO WAS THAT? YOUR PUBLISHER?

AGENT, PUBLISHER, BLOODSUCKING BOTTOM-FEEDER. WHICHEVER YOU PREFER.

DID YOU READ MY BOOK?

I'M IN A PERIOD OF TRANSITION.

I'M LEAVING THEM. THEY JUST DON'T KNOW IT YET.

RIGHT.

SO...

YOU DIDN'T READ MY BOOK, DID YOU?

COME ON. LET'S NOT GO THROUGH ALL THIS AGAIN.

YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY WRITER IN TOWN, YOU KNOW.

OKAY, LOOK. WHY DON'T YOU GO TAKE A SWIM,

AND I'LL BE DOWN IN A FEW MINUTES--

GET ME AN AGENT.

OKAY. I WILL.

AND I AM THE ONLY WRITER IN TOWN.

( groaning )

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

GOT IT.

CHARLOTTE.

GOT IT.

SEE? THERE IT IS. YEAH? YEAH?

DID YOU WIPE THE DUST OFF FIRST?

ALL GONE.

YOU DIDN'T READ MY STORY.

I'VE BEEN BUSY WITH THE HOUSE

AND ALL THIS BULLSHIT.

I'M SPENDING MILLIONS ON THIS PLACE.

GOT THE PAINTERS COMING NEXT WEEK.

HAVE YOU ANY IDEA HOW MUCH IT COSTS TO PAINT A WHOLE HOUSE?

PUT LOTION ON MY BACK?

A FUCKING SHITLOAD.

WHICH REMINDS ME...

I NEED YOU TO PICK A COLOR FOR YOUR ROOM.

WHATEVER YOU WANT.

NO.

IT'S WHATEVER YOU WANT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT COLORS GIRLS LIKE.

THAT'S WHY I'M ASKING.

IT'S YOUR ROOM. HAVE SOME FUN WITH IT.

READ MY FUCKING STORY, BRADY.

OKAY, THAT IS ALL I ASK. JUST READ IT.

I WILL,

AS SOON AS YOU PICK A COLOR. PLUM.

PLUM. PAINT MY ROOM PLUM.

PLUM-- YOU MEAN, UH, PURPLE?

PURPLE, PLUM, PINK, LAVENDER, WHATEVER.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, "WHATEVER"?

YOU KEEP USING THAT WORD. I HATE THAT WORD!

IT'S NOT EVEN IN THE THESAURUS.

IT'S IN THE DICTIONARY. LOOK IT UP.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA READ MY STORY, ARE YOU, BRADY?

IT'S NOT ABOUT WHO READS IT, CHARLOTTE. IT'S ABOUT THE WRITING.

WHO CARES WHAT I THINK?

I DON'T EVEN LIKE MY OWN STUFF.

REX STEPHENS IS A FAKE.

PAINT MY ROOM PLUM.

OKAY, FINE.

I CAN'T WORK OUT HERE EITHER. IT'S TOO FUCKING HOT.

HEY, DUDE, THAT GIRL'S BACK OUT IN THE POOL AGAIN.

ARE YOU SERIOUS? YEAH.

OH, THIS IS GONNA BE A GOOD DAY!

WORKING HARD?

SORT OF.

HOW ABOUT YOU?

SORT OF.

DO I KNOW YOU?

I'VE BEEN HERE EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR THE PAST MONTH.

I WATCH YOU GUYS FROM RIGHT HERE ALL THE TIME.

YOU SHOULD COME IN.

I THOUGHT THE POOL WAS OFF LIMITS.

WHATEVER. IT'S HOT.

COME ON. IT FEELS GOOD.

YOU CAN BLAME IT ON ME.

COME ON, TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF.

ALL RIGHT.

( growling )

THANK YOU. GOOD, RIGHT?

COME HERE.

OKAY. COME ON.

THIS IS NICE. THANK YOU.

ARE YOU NERVOUS?

NO, I'M NOT NERVOUS. WHY WOULD I BE? YOU SEEM NERVOUS.

SO, HOW DO YOU KNOW MR. OLINSON THERE?

HE CAME IN AND SPOKE AT ONE OF OUR CLASSES.

YOU KNOW WHO REX STEPHENS IS?

NO. ARE YOU SERIOUS?

THE WRITER, REX...

REX STEPHENS, THE WRITER,

REX STEPHENS, THIS IS HIS HOUSE.

OH! THE FAMOUS...

YEAH. REX STEPHENS.

"FAMOUS"-- MORE LIKE "INFAMOUS."

RIGHT.

CRAZY. THAT'S COOL.

SO YOU, LIKE, "WORK" FOR HIM OR...

I AM KIND OF LIKE HIS EDITOR.

HIS EDITOR? MM-HMM.

YOU'RE HIS EDITOR? MM-HMM. I AM.

REALLY?

CAN I GO DIVING? YEAH.

( laughing ) SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

Charlotte: GO!

HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

YES? WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?

WHAT?

THE POOL PARTY. NOTHING.

PLEASE. DON'T PULL THAT WITH ME.

YOU THINK YOU CAN DO THAT UNDER MY NOSE AND GET AWAY WITH IT?

DO WHAT?

I SAW YOU SCREWING AROUND

WITH SOME KID IN THE POOL.

OKAY, WE WERE JUST SWIMMING.

I DON'T LIKE STRANGERS IN MY POOL, CHARLOTTE.

HE'S NOT A STRANGER, HE'S WORKING FOR YOU, YOU IDIOT.

WELL, SWIMMING ISN'T PART OF THE DEAL.

HE WASN'T HIRED TO SWIM!

( indistinct conversation )

GUYS? GUYS?

I JUST WANT TO MAKE IT CLEAR, THE POOL IS OFF LIMITS.

OKAY? ALL RIGHT? ARE WE CLEAR?

ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I WOULD PREFER IT IF YOU ALL JUST LEFT FOR THE DAY.

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO WORK ALL MORNING, AND THE NOISE IS FUCKING DISTRACTING.

EARLY DAY FOR US.

I'M-- I'M SORRY.

WHATCHA READIN'?

NOTHING SPECIAL.

YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN THINKING.

HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT GRAD SCHOOL?

YOU SAID IT WAS A WASTE OF TIME.

I NEVER SAID THAT. YES, YOU DID.

NO, NO, I SAID THERE ARE OTHER OPTIONS.

I REMEMBER EVERYTHING YOU SAY, BRADY. I DON'T FORGET THINGS EASILY.

WELL, GRAD SCHOOL'S NOT A WASTE OF TIME.

NO, I'M SERIOUS.

YOU MIGHT FIND SOMETHING

YOU MIGHT LIKE TO DO, YOU KNOW?

SOMETHING ELSE YOU MIGHT LIKE TO DO. OTHER THAN WRITING?

NO, JUST SOMETHING TO GIVE YOU

ANOTHER OUTLOOK ON LIFE.

YOU KNOW?

ARE YOU SICK OF ME?

OF COURSE NOT.

WHY WOULD I BE SICK OF YOU?

JUST, LIFE...

LIFE OF A WRITER CAN BE A REAL DRAG.

I MEAN, LOOK AT ME. I'M MISERABLE.

OKAY, SO WHY DO YOU KEEP ME AROUND, THEN,

IF YOU'RE SO...

WHEN I FIRST GOT HERE, YOU SAID YOU WERE GONNA START A NEW BOOK.

YOU HAVEN'T. YOU SAID YOU WERE GONNA READ MY BOOK.

YOU HAVEN'T. WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M DOING?

YOU KEEP SAYING YOU'RE SO MISERABLE.

YOU DON'T EVER TALK TO ME ABOUT ANYTHING.

EVEN WHEN I ASK YOU, YOU JUST AVOID IT.

YOU MAKE ME HAPPY.

YOU'RE SUCCESSFUL.

PEOPLE KNOW WHO YOU ARE. EVERYBODY WANTS WHAT YOU HAVE.

WHAT, YOU MEAN LIKE

WRITING A FEW CRAPPY NOVELS THAT EVERYONE BUYS

AND SPEAKING AT UNIVERSITIES

A COUPLE TIMES A YEAR...

YES. YES. THAT IS WHAT I WANT.

I WANT TO SLEEP ALL DAY

AND WORK ALL NIGHT AND DRINK THE MOST EXPENSIVE CHAMPAGNE

AND HAVE A LEGACY.

A LEGACY.

YOU'VE ONLY WRITTEN ONE STORY.

"LEGACY." IT'S A NOVELLA.

WHATEVER IT IS, IT'S STILL JUST A STORY.

DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING. ANYONE CAN WRITE A STORY.

OH!

YOU'RE SO FRUSTRATING.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE PASSIONATE

AND ENCOURAGING.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO INSPIRE ME.

YOU'RE LOOKING FOR VALIDATION?

WELL, YOU'RE NEVER GONNA BE SATISFIED.

OKAY? IT'S JUST A MYTH-- SATISFACTION.

DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.

EVEN MICK JAGGER SAID SO HIMSELF. IT'S ALL BULLSHIT.

BESIDES,

YOU KNOW HOW PASSIONATE I AM.

VERY PASSIONATE.

WAIT. DO YOU THINK I'M GOOD ENOUGH?

HUH?

AM I GOOD ENOUGH?

I DON'T KNOW, CHARLOTTE.

GOD, YOU'RE GORGEOUS.

GORGEOUS.

I CAN'T. WHAT?

I CAN'T.

WHAT'S THE MATTER? WHERE ARE YOU GOING? I CAN'T DO THIS.

WELL, WHY?

HIS NAME IS DUSTY REYNOLDS, AND HE'S COMING OVER FOR DINNER TONIGHT.

( sputtering ) TONIGHT'S OUR DATE NIGHT. YOU CAN'T INVITE ANYONE.

THAT'S OUR RULE.

WHATEVER.

CHARLOTTE! CHARLOTTE!

SHIT!

( classical piano plays )

YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.

YOU SURE YOU WANT TO GO THROUGH WITH THIS?

( doorbell rings )

( door opens ) Man: HI.

WOW, YOU LOOK INCREDIBLY GORGEOUS.

THANKS FOR INVITING ME.

HI. HI.

BRADY OLINSON. DUSTY REYNOLDS.

DUSTY, DUSTY.

HOW DO YOU LIKE THE POOL? REFRESHING, ISN'T IT?

YEAH, I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

HOW OLD ARE YOU? UH, 25.

25. IS THAT SO?

REALLY?

HE'S DRUNK. DON'T WORRY ABOUT HIM.

THANK YOU FOR INVITING ME, SIR. YEAH. I HEARD THAT.

Brady: SO, DUSTY,

IS THIS A SUMMER JOB,

WORKING AT MY PLACE?

I'VE SEEN YOU AROUND, JUST NOT IN MY POOL.

YEAH, I'M WORKING FOR MY DAD.

BUT I REALLY WANT TO BE A LAWYER, ACTUALLY.

OH?

JUST HAVEN'T MUSTERED THE GUTS

TO GO TO LAW SCHOOL YET. I WOULDN'T BOTHER.

OH, YEAH? WHY'S THAT?

ALL THE LAWYERS I KNOW ARE GOOD DRUNKS.

( chuckles )

THAT'S FUNNY. MY GRANDFATHER WAS A LAWYER,

A WELL-RESPECTED ONE, AND HE NEVER DRANK.

SMART MEN, THOUGH. GOOD WITH WOMEN.

ARE YOU GOOD WITH WOMEN, DUSTY?

YES.

EXCELLENT.

YOU MAY FIT RIGHT IN.

SO WHAT TYPE OF LAW IS IT THAT YOU'RE TRYING TO STUDY?

UH, FAMILY LAW.

COOL. WHAT DOES THAT ENTAIL?

IT'S KIND OF BROAD. BASICALLY...

ANYTHING THAT DEALS WITH MAINTAINING

PEACE AND, YOU KNOW, HAPPINESS

IN DOMESTIC RELATIONSHIPS.

WOW.

THAT'S COOL. YOU HEAR THAT, BRADY?

THIS GUY COULD ACTUALLY HELP YOU.

I DON'T REALLY THINK THAT

ALL LAWYERS ARE DRUNKS.

IT'S JUST... NO.

HE JUST GOT REALLY SCREWED OVER BY ONE.

OH. SORRY TO HEAR THAT, MR. OLINSON.

THERE'S A LOT OF SHARKS OUT THERE.

YES.

THAT IS SO INSPIRING, WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

I THINK THAT'S REALLY, REALLY GREAT.

REALLY?

THANK YOU.

UM...

I'D LIKE TO PROPOSE A TOAST.

TO YOUR NEW BOOK, MY DARLING.

MAY IT BECOME AN ACADEMIC PERENNIAL.

YOU WROTE A BOOK? THAT'S AWESOME. THAT'S REALLY COOL.

I DID. THANK YOU.

YES, I READ IT TODAY. IT'S REALLY SOMETHING.

WHAT'S IT ABOUT?

YEAH, BRADY. WHAT'S IT ABOUT?

WELL, IT'S-IT'S, UH...

IT'S VERY GOOD,

FOR A FIRST DRAFT.

THAT WAS MY THESIS.

IT'S BEEN REWRITTEN A THOUSAND TIMES.

IT'S FINISHED.

HE JUST HASN'T CRACKED IT OPEN YET.

SO, UH... ( clears throat )

DO YOU READ, DUSTY?

YEAH. I MEAN, YOU KNOW.

OH, GOOD. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE BOOK?

LAUGHTER IN THE DARK.

AH. NABOKOV?

MM-HMM. MM.

OH.

SO, CHARLOTTE, WHAT IS YOUR BOOK ABOUT?

UM, MY BOOK IS ABOUT

A GIRL WHO'S

LEFT ALONE WHILE HER FATHER WORKS THE NIGHT SHIFT

AND HAS TO DEAL WITH LIARS

THAT MAKE EMPTY PROMISES.

MAY I ASK YOU A QUESTION? Brady: CERTAINLY.

FIRE AWAY.

WHY DO YOU WRITE UNDER A DIFFERENT NAME?

A PSEUDONYM? YEAH.

WELL, LET'S JUST SAY I, UH...

I SUFFERED A LOT OF REJECTION EARLY ON IN MY CAREER.

HE HAD TO REINVENT HIMSELF.

A LOT OF WRITERS DO IT, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY SUCK.

THANK YOU FOR THAT VERY KIND REVIEW, MY DEAR.

BUT EVERYONE KNOWS IT'S YOU, RIGHT? I MEAN...

I CERTAINLY HOPE NOT.

ARE YOU QUITE FINISHED, MY DEAR?

YES.

SORRY. WHY ARE YOU SORRY?

HE'S HILARIOUS. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I LIKE HIM.

NO, DON'T LIKE HIM.

COME ON. HMM?

LET'S GO.

FUCKING LIAR!

OH! YOU KNOW, HE HASN'T READ MY BOOK, RIGHT?

HE HAS NOT READ MY BOOK.

DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I'VE BEEN HERE?

DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TIME I'VE SPENT I HAVE NO IDEA.

IN THIS HOUSE FOR HIM,

WITH HIM, DOING...

YOU KNOW THAT I'M NOT STAYING HERE LONG AND LEAVING SOON.

THAT'S A GOOD IDEA. YEAH, I'M GOING TO NEW YORK.

I AM NOT STAYING HERE. YOU'RE GOING TO NEW YORK?

YEAH, NEW YORK'S THE PLACE TO BE. YES, IT IS.

PUT THE BOOK DOWN.

THAT'S CRAZY. SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST LEAVE?

WELL, BECAUSE EVERY TIME I TALK ABOUT LEAVING,

BRADY MAKES IT SOUND LIKE I SHOULD REALLY

BROADEN MY HORIZONS AND ALL,

AND THEN IT'S LIKE A FUCKING THREAT IF I WANT TO TAKE OFF.

I MEAN, I CAN'T. IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE TO LEAVE HERE.

REALLY? NO.

YOU GUYS CLEARLY HAVE A PRETTY INTERESTING RELATIONSHIP.

YEAH, WHATEVER. I...

COME HERE. IT'S YOUR, YOU KNOW.

COME HERE, TOWNIE. "TOWNIE"?

YEAH, YOU LOOK LIKE A TOWN BOY. YOU WORK IN OUR POOL.

OH, OKAY, CITY GIRL. WHAT'S GOING ON?

WHAT'S UP? WHAT DO YOU WANT?

KISS ME. KISS YOU?

MM-HMM.

ALL RIGHT.

THANK YOU.

PEOPLE SAY HE'S A CRAZY OLD WASHED-UP WRITER.

I BELIEVE THE "CRAZY" PART.

HOPEFULLY, I CAN FIX EVERYTHING ELSE.

HOW DO YOU MEAN? I'M HERE TO HELP HIM.

GET HIM BACK ON HIS FEET.

GOOD LUCK.

THANKS FOR THE TIP.

OKAY.

IT'S A LONG DRIVE OUT HERE.

BYE, LADY.

( doorbell rings )

( rings )

WHO ARE YOU?

HELLO, I'M MARCY MARTIN. I'M HERE FOR A MR. OLINSON.

WAIT THERE.

MR. OLINSON.

MARCY MARTIN. NICE TO FINALLY MEET YOU.

OH, RIGHT, RIGHT.

WELCOME.

WOW. THIS...

IS SOME HOUSE.

THANK YOU.

WERE YOU EXPECTING ME?

PATTY SAID YOU WERE COMING.

I HAVE YOUR INFO IN AN E-MAIL SOMEWHERE.

I CAN GET A ROOM IN TOWN

IF IT'S NOT CONVENIENT FOR ME TO STAY HERE.

WHAT'S THE POINT OF HAVING 14 BEDROOMS

IF I CAN'T PUT MY

NEW PUBLICIST UP WHEN SHE COMES TO TOWN

TO STRAIGHTEN ME OUT?

OKAY.

CAN I FIX YOU A DRINK,

OR DO YOU WANT TO GO STRAIGHT TO YOUR ROOM?

UH, IT'S A LITTLE EARLY.

NONSENSE. DO YOU WANT ONE OR NOT?

I GUESS I'LL HAVE A DRINK.

SORRY IT TOOK ME A WHILE TO GET TO THE FRONT DOOR.

OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT. I'M SURE IT WAS A LONG WAY FROM WHEREVER YOU WERE.

EXACTLY. MARTINI?

WHATEVER YOU'RE HAVING IS FINE. MARTINI IT IS.

CHEERS.

CHEERS. TO IMPENDING SUCCESS.

SURE.

NO WORKMEN TODAY?

I RAN OUT OF MONEY.

IS THAT THE MISSISSIPPI?

IT IS.

IT'S NOT HOW I IMAGINED IT.

OH?

WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?

TO SEE HUCK AND JIM DOWN THERE?

MAYBE.

OR A RIVERBOAT.

I GUESS THOSE ARE DOWN BY NEW ORLEANS.

THAT'S FAR SOUTH OF HERE.

HUCK AND JIM STARTED OUT

IN TWAIN'S HOMETOWN OF HANNIBAL,

WHICH IS A FEW HOURS NORTH OF HERE.

I THOUGHT MARK TWAIN WAS FROM CONNECTICUT.

MOST EAST-COASTERS DO.

PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT.

( coughing )

ARE YOU OKAY?

FINE.

LISTEN,

THE NEW BOOK IS GREAT.

THANK YOU.

IT'S NOT GONNA SELL ITSELF.

WE'RE GONNA NEED TO PEDDLE IT.

UH-HUH.

WE HAVE TO CLEAN UP OUR IMAGE.

IF I'D KNOWN YOU WERE THIS GOOD LOOKING,

I WOULD'VE SHOWERED AND SHAVED.

I HAVE NO DOUBT THAT YOU CAN LOOK HANDSOME AND PRESENTABLE.

I HAVE NO DOUBT EITHER.

IT'S BARELY 5:00, AND YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN DRINKING.

YOU CAN'T DO THAT WHEN WE'RE ON YOUR BOOK TOUR.

FUCK THAT.

WE'RE REBUILDING YOUR BRAND.

PEOPLE DON'T LIKE ALCOHOLICS.

WHAT ABOUT F. SCOTT FITZGERALD

OR WILLIAM FAULKNER OR JOHN CHEEVER?

NEED I GO ON?

IF ANY OF THOSE GUYS WERE SELLING A BOOK TODAY,

IT WOULD HAVE TO BE A BOOK ABOUT THEIR RECOVERY.

WHAT ABOUT CARRIE WHAT'S-HER-NAME? PRINCESS LEIA?

ALL HER STUFF IS ABOUT HER ADDICTIONS.

YEAH, UNDER THE AUSPICES OF RECOVERY.

THEY'RE ALL ABOUT HOW SHE STRUGGLES TO GET BETTER.

EDGAR ALLAN POE WAS LOADED FROM SUNUP TO SUNDOWN.

AND YOU'VE WRITTEN A COMING-OF-AGE STORY ABOUT A YOUNG GIRL.

DOROTHY PARKER SPENT MOST OF HER TIME UNDER THE ROUND TABLE.

WAIT, I SHOULDN'T HAVE WRITTEN THAT.

NO. IT'S BRILLIANT. OH.

80% OF THE FICTION MARKET IS WOMEN,

AND IT'S A FATHER-DAUGHTER STORY.

THE FATHER RESISTING HIS DAUGHTER'S MATURING.

IT'S A BRILLIANT COMMERCIAL CHOICE.

I KEPT TELLING PATTY I WANTED TO WRITE A NEW GENRE.

AND WHAT A GREAT COMEBACK.

"COMEBACK."

I DO SO DETEST THAT PHRASE.

THE MAN WHO CALLED HIS WIFE A MONEY-GRUBBING COW

ON NATIONAL TELEVISION HAS CHANGED

AND WRITTEN A COMING-OF-AGE NOVEL

SHOWING THAT HE UNDERSTANDS HOW WOMEN STRUGGLE.

HE WAS DRUNK WHEN HE SAID THOSE THINGS,

BUT NOW HE'S CLEANED UP.

CUTE.

IT'S A TOTAL DEPARTURE FROM ANYTHING ELSE YOU'VE WRITTEN.

YOU, UH...

YOU THINK IT'LL MAKE MONEY?

PATTY DOESN'T WANT ME TO TELL YOU,

BUT THERE'S A BIDDING WAR HAPPENING OVER THE FILM RIGHTS RIGHT NOW.

I... LOVE PATTY!

SO, GET SOBER,

GET A NEW SUIT, KISS SOME BABIES.

THIS'LL BE EASY.

WE'LL SKIP OVER THE PART WHERE I ADMIT I HAVE A PROBLEM,

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW...

THEN WE JUST HAVE TO TALK ABOUT ME.

YOU NEED A REFILL?

ONE IS MY LIMIT.

THANKS.

DID YOU SAY WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT YOU? YES.

MY FEE.

I KNOW WHO WROTE YOUR BOOK.

ME. I WROTE IT.

CHARLOTTE WROTE IT.

( scoffs ) DON'T BE ABSURD.

ARE YOU SURE I CAN'T FIX YOU ANOTHER?

I'VE READ EVERYTHING YOU'VE EVER WRITTEN.

I KNOW YOUR WORK,

INSIDE AND OUT.

HOW IS CHARLOTTE?

SHE'S GREAT.

SELLING HER BOOK COULD'VE BEEN THE BIGGEST MISTAKE IN HER LIFE.

HOW SO?

WHAT IF SHE'S HARPER LEE?

WHAT IF SHE'S ONLY GOT ONE BOOK IN HER?

HARPER LEE WAS A LESBIAN, AND CHARLOTTE IS, WELL,

SHE'S CERTAINLY NO HARPER LEE.

SO, DID YOU, UM...

DID YOU SHARE YOUR REVELATION

WITH PATTY? NO.

CHARLOTTE'S BOOK CAME IN A WHILE AGO.

THEY PASSED ON IT WITHOUT EVEN READING IT.

BUT SOMEHOW

IT ENDED UP ON MY DESK.

HER BOOK, WITHOUT A NAME BEHIND IT,

WON'T MAKE ANY MONEY.

BUT WITH YOUR NAME, AND A COMEBACK...

IT'LL MAKE ENOUGH DOUGH TO MAKE ME WORTH BLACKMAILING.

IT'S VERY CLEVER.

LET'S SEE, NOW.

I'M ALREADY PAYING ALIMONY, WHICH IS...

BLACKMAIL, THE STUFF EVERYBODY ALREADY KNOWS ABOUT.

TO ONE MONEY-GRUBBING COW.

"COW" WAS NOT THE "C" WORD

I WAS THINKING OF AT THE MOMENT.

COULD I HAVE SOME WATER?

CERTAINLY.

YOU KNOW, JUST BECAUSE HARPER LEE NEVER GOT MARRIED

DOESN'T MEAN SHE WAS A LESBIAN.

UH-HUH.

( laughing )

HERE HE IS NOW.

I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW I GOT HERE SAFELY.

YEAH.

DO YOU WANT TO SAY HI TO HIM?

HI, PATTY. THANKS FOR THE WATER.

MARCY SAYS THERE'S ALREADY A BIDDING WAR FOR THE FILM RIGHTS.

( mouths words ) WELL, THAT'S GREAT.

THAT'LL BE GOOD FOR EVERYBODY, RIGHT?

YEAH. SHE'S TERRIFIC.

WE'RE GONNA REALLY ENJOY WORKING TOGETHER.

I WILL. ALL RIGHT.

THANKS, PATTY. BYE.

BOURBON? SCOTCH.

NO MORE MARTINIS?

THEY TAKE TOO LONG.

SO, I'M THINKING

25% OF WHATEVER COMES IN

FOR THE FIRST FEW MONTHS,

AND 20% OF THE FILM DEAL.

HOW DO YOU FIGURE THOSE NUMBERS,

IF YOU DON'T MIND MY ASKING?

SHE WROTE A REALLY GREAT BOOK.

I THINK IT'S GONNA BE VERY BIG.

BIG PIE, BIG PIECES.

AND IF I DISAGREE?

I'M HANDLING ALL YOUR PRESS.

I'LL GIVE AN EXCLUSIVE ON HOW BETRAYED I FEEL

THAT YOU LIED ABOUT THE AUTHORSHIP

OF YOUR LATEST BLOCKBUSTER.

THAT YOU BOUGHT IT FROM YOUR PROTEGE.

IT WILL CALL INTO QUESTION

EVERYTHING YOU'VE EVER WRITTEN.

I SEE. AND AS A BONUS,

I'LL HANDLE CHARLOTTE IF SHE BECOMES A PROBLEM.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT CHARLOTTE. WE ALREADY HAVE AN AGREEMENT.

SHE WON'T BE A PROBLEM.

WHAT'D SHE GET?

MONEY TO MOVE TO NEW YORK

AND A PROMISE FROM ME TO WRITE A GLOWING REVIEW

OF HER NEXT BOOK,

WHATEVER IT IS.

THAT'S REASONABLE.

IS IT?

WOULD YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT "REASONABLE" IS?

BRADY, THIS IS GOING TO BE GOOD FOR EVERYBODY.

YEAH...

IT'S BUSINESS. MM.

OF COURSE, I COULD TAKE

THE WHISTLE-BLOWER OUT MYSELF.

WHO, ME? MM-HMM.

YOU'RE ATTRACTIVE, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN I WOULDN'T KILL YOU.

YOU'VE WRITTEN SO MANY MYSTERIES.

YOU THINK YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH MURDER?

YOU KNOW HOW FUNNY PEOPLE GET ABOUT MONEY.

IT'S THE LEADING CAUSE OF MURDER AND DIVORCE.

IT'S NOT IN YOUR NATURE.

AND IT WOULD RUIN YOUR CAREER,

OR AT LEAST ANY CHANCE AT A COMEBACK.

I WISH YOU'D STOP SAYING THAT.

GOD!

YOU'RE EVERYTHING A MIDWESTERNER FEARS A NEW YORKER WILL BE.

( chuckling ) THANKS.

I'M GONNA...

I'M GONNA GO GET CLEANED UP.

IT'LL GIVE ME SOME TIME TO START WORKING ON AN ALIBI.

THAT'S THE SPIRIT. I KNEW YOU'D AGREE.

AND... I'LL DRIVE.

YOU'RE IN NO SHAPE TO GET BEHIND THE WHEEL.

I'LL BE DOWN IN 20.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.

TOO LATE FOR THAT.

HELLO?

BRADY?

HELLO?

EXCUSE ME? AH! SHIT!

THAT WAS A '97 BRUNELLO.

I'M SORRY.

IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

I DIDN'T KNOW ANYONE WAS HERE.

YOU SCARED ME.

YOU HIS DATE FOR THE EVENING?

HE SAID WE WERE GOING OUT FOR DINNER.

YOU'RE NOT HIS DATE.

I'M HIS PUBLICIST.

WELL, LOOKS LIKE MY EFFORTS HAVE BEEN WASTED.

NAH, YOU'RE NOT WEARING ENOUGH MAKEUP TO BE ONE OF HIS DATES.

HAVE YOU READ HIS NEW BOOK?

I'M NOT MUCH OF A READER.

I READ THE PAPER SOMETIMES.

OH.

I HELP BRADY KEEP THIS PLACE CLEAN.

MUST BE A BIG JOB.

HA! YOU GOT THAT RIGHT. ( chuckles )

CAN I HELP?

NO.

ANYTHING ELSE?

I'M SORRY?

BRADY? YOU SEE HIM?

YEAH, HE WENT UPSTAIRS TO SHOWER.

WE'RE GOING OUT FOR DINNER.

WELL, THAT'S GOOD NEWS.

YOU KNOW, I HAVE SEEN HIM

GO WITHOUT A SHOWER FOR A WEEK.

HAS HE BEEN DEPRESSED?

PROBABLY.

I'M JUST WAITING. IT'S BEEN A WHILE.

OVER AN HOUR.

PROBABLY... HE PASSED OUT.

WOULD YOU GO CHECK ON HIM?

AND DO WHAT?

WAKE HIM.

NO!

MY SUITCASE IS IN THE HALL.

WOULD YOU MIND SHOWING ME WHICH ROOM I'M STAYING IN?

IF MR. OLINSON SAYS SO, THEN YES. OTHERWISE,

YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN.

YOU'RE JOKING.

LADY, MY JOB WAS TO BRING DINNER.

HERE IT IS.

THAT'S IT.

MR. OLINSON DIDN'T TELL YOU WE WERE

GOING OUT TO DINNER,

I DID.

THERE.

I'M DONE.

THERE.

I'M DONE.

THANK YOU.

ENJOY YOUR FUCKING WEEKEND.

( screams )

( humming tune )

* HUSH, LITTLE BABY DON'T SAY A WORD *

* PAPA'S GONNA BUY YOU A MOCKINGBIRD *

* AND IF THAT MOCKINGBIRD DON'T SING *

* PAPA'S GONNA BUY YOU A DIAMOND RING *

* AND IF THAT DIAMOND RING IS BRASS *

* PAPA'S GONNA BUY YOU A LOOKING GLASS *

( singing continues ) MARCY! MARCY!

MY GOD, WHAT HAPPENED? OH, GOD!

KARLA? KARLA!

OH, JESUS.

OH. GOD.

KARLA! KARLA, WHAT HAPPENED?

I WAS JUST CLEANING THIS UP.

I'M MAKING SOME TEA FOR US.

CALL 9-1-1! ( laughing )

BRADY, SHE'S DEAD.

I KNEW SOMETHING LIKE THIS WOULD HAPPEN

TO ONE OF YOUR DATES.

YOU DID THIS?

YOU DID THIS!

CALL 9-1-1! YOU SAID IT YOURSELF:

FOR YEARS THESE PEOPLE HAVE BEEN SUCKING YOU DRY.

ALL THESE BIG-CITY FOLKS LIKE HER IN TOWN.

JUST STEALING YOUR WEALTH AND YOU PROSPERITY. WHAT?

OH, I WAS NOT GONNA LET HER

BLACKMAIL YOU.

IT'S OKAY, OKAY?

I WAS HELPING YOU.

BUT... YOU DON'T CARE. I DO CARE.

I CARE VERY MUCH. OKAY?

DON'T YOU LIE TO ME!

( screaming )

CRAZY BITCH!

FUCK! FUCK!

( screams )

( screaming )

( screaming continues )

HAILEY, LUKE,

HEY. HEY. LOOK AT ME.

YES, BETH? WHAT, BETH?

FUNNY. VERY FUNNY.

YOU CALL ME "MOM."

I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG I'LL BE, BUT NOBODY GETS OUT OF THE CAR.

CAN'T YOU PARK UP FRONT? THERE'S NO SIGNAL HERE.

NO. THE HOUSE LOOKS BETTER WITHOUT A CAR IN FRONT OF IT.

LUKE. LUKE! WHAT?

STAY IN THE CAR. UH-HUH.

IF I MAKE THIS SALE, ONE OF YOU MIGHT GET TO GO TO COLLEGE.

IF YOU DON'T, I'LL JUST GET A JOB AS A STRIPPER.

NOBODY'D PAY TO SEE THAT.

STOP.

WHAT IS THIS?

Both: THE HAND OF GOD.

DON'T MAKE ME BRING IT DOWN ON YOU.

LOVE YOU.

BRADY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

YOU KNOW I HAVE A SHOWING THIS MORNING, RIGHT?

GOOD MORNING.

I'VE TOLD YOU A MILLION TIMES,

IF THE BUYER SEES THE OWNER HANGING AROUND THE HOUSE,

IT MAKES IT HARDER FOR THEM TO IMAGINE IT AS THEIRS.

EXCUSE ME.

THEY'LL NEVER KNOW I'M HERE.

LIKE THE TIME YOU WERE PASSED OUR IN THE BUSHES

OR THE TIME YOU WERE NAKED IN THE POOL?

I WASN'T NAKED. I HAD A SHIRT ON.

YOU STILL DOING THE COOKIE THING?

COOKIES SMELL LIKE HOME.

FIRES SMELL HOMEY.

WHY DON'T WE BURN THE HOUSE DOWN, COLLECT THE INSURANCE?

YOU DON'T MEAN THAT.

THIS HOUSE IS TOO BIG FOR ONE PERSON.

NEEDS A FAMILY.

THEN WHY DID YOU BUY IT?

I THOUGHT MY FAMILY WOULD BE WITH ME FOREVER.

( doorbell rings ) CRAP, SHE'S EARLY.

MOVE, MOVE.

YOU CLEANED YOUR ROOM, RIGHT? YEAH.

STAY OUT OF SIGHT.

HI. AMY? HI, YES.

HI, I'M BETH LESCOVITZ. NICE TO SEE YOU.

NICE TO MEET YOU. WOW. THIS PLACE IS HUGE.

IT'S REALLY LOVELY.

ALL THIS WOOD. THE PICTURES DON'T EVEN COME CLOSE.

ALL THE WOOD PANELING IS ORIGINAL.

IT'S BEAUTIFUL, ISN'T IT? YES.

IT'S AMAZING.

THE OWNER STILL LIVE HERE? YES, I DO.

AMY, THIS IS BRADY OLINSON.

HE WAS JUST ABOUT TO LEAVE.

NICE TO MEET YOU. I'M AMY.

HI. YOU MAY KNOW HIM AS REX STEPHENS.

OH, THE RIVER GAMBLER. I READ THAT. IS THAT YOU?

MM-HMM. DON'T TELL ANYBODY, THOUGH.

THE THRONGS WOULD RUIN MY AZALEAS.

IT WAS VERY POPULAR WHEN IT CAME OUT.

YEARS AGO. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY--

IT ONLY TAKES ONE HIT TO MAKE A NAME.

BUT IT TAKES A FEW HITS TO MAKE A CAREER, RIGHT?

BINGO. I LIKE THIS ONE ALREADY.

I LOVE MYSTERIES, ALL THAT SORT OF PROBLEM-SOLVING STUFF.

PEOPLE LIKE A GOOD PUZZLE.

AMY, DID YOU SEE THE GARDENS WHEN YOU DROVE UP?

YES, I DID, AND THERE IS A LOT OF LAND.

THAT IS SOMETHING TO CONSIDER. IS THERE A GROUNDSKEEPER?

I COULD ALWAYS COME BACK.

YOU'D THANK ME WHEN THE MUMS BLOOM.

I KNOW SOME EXCELLENT GARDENERS. THANK YOU.

I WAS JUST ABOUT TO GIVE AMY THE GRAND TOUR,

SO... AH, OKAY, GREAT.

WELL, DON'T TELL HER ANY REAL-ESTATE LIES, BETH.

THE HOUSE SPEAKS FOR ITSELF.

I WANT TO MAKE SURE SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE'S GETTING.

NICE TO MEET YOU. ENJOY THE TOUR.

I'LL CALL YOU. OKAY.

HE SEEMS NICE.

HE USED TO BE REALLY GRUMPY.

HOW LONG HAS THIS PLACE BEEN ON THE MARKET? ABOUT A YEAR.

PUT THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE,

THE ESTATE ACROSS THE STREET-- FIVE YEARS.

WHY IS HE SELLING IT?

HE HAD A REALLY HARD TIME AFTER HIS DIVORCE.

APPARENTLY, THE EX-WIFE WAS JUST REALLY AWFUL.

AND SO AFTER THAT, HE TRIED TO START WRITING AGAIN.

THE POOR THING HAD 10 YEARS OF WRITERS' BLOCK.

AND NOW THE NEW BOOK'S NOT SELLING.

I JUST THINK HE WANTS TO START A NEW LIFE.

RIGHT. THERE WAS A MURDER HERE.

THINK I CAN GET A DEAL?

EVERYTHING YOU SEE COULD BE INCLUDED.

I LIKE THE CHANDELIER.

NEEDS A LITTLE WORK. IT'S VENETIAN.

FROM VENICE.

HERE'S THE MASTER BEDROOM.

IS THERE CENTRAL AIR?

YEAH, OF COURSE.

IS THAT ROOSEVELT?

OH, YEAH. HE'S ONE OF THREE PRESIDENTS TO STAY IN THIS ROOM.

WHO ELSE DID?

UM, "W." BUSH?

AND THAT'S THE LAST NAME... WASHINGTON?

UM... WILSON. WOODROW WILSON.

YEAH, YEAH. AND THE BUILDER, JOHN CONWAY, WAS...

A WORLD WAR I PROFITEER. I LOOKED THAT UP.

GUN MANUFACTURER.

DO THEY STILL HAVE A SHOOTING RANGE IN THE BASEMENT?

OH, NO. IT'S A THEATER

AND A GAME ROOM AND AN EXERCISE ROOM.

THE PLACE IS SO BIG, EACH DIFFERENT OWNER

HAS EITHER ENDED UP REDECORATING ROOMS

OR THEY JUST LEAVE THEM ALONE.

REALLY?

AND MR. CONWAY WAS QUITE THE HUNTER.

OH, MY GOD.

Beth: TROPHY ROOM.

Amy: THIS IS A 1920s MAN CAVE.

1927, TO BE EXACT.

WOW.

DON'T GET ANY IDEAS. ALL THESE HEADS ARE GOING WITH ME.

MR. OLINSON, THAT IS GOOD NEWS.

CALL ME BRADY, PLEASE.

SOME OF THESE WERE HERE WHEN I BOUGHT THE PLACE,

BUT THESE TWO I BAGGED MYSELF.

I LIKE THE OLD FURNITURE.

YOU DO?

WELL...

THAT IS A WILD COW THAT YOU'RE SITTING ON.

THIS IS A COMFY COW. BETH SAID ALL YOUR FURNITURE WAS AVAILABLE.

SHE DID?

NOT MY RED ANGUS. NO, NO, NO.

THIS ONE I HAD MADE SPECIAL MYSELF.

GO AHEAD, FEEL IT.

OH, YES, IT'S NICE. NICE, HUH? YEAH.

ONCE I WRESTLED HER TO THE GROUND, I KNEW.

I WAS SPLAYED OUT ACROSS HER, THINKING TO MYSELF,

"THIS IS MORE COMFORTABLE THAN MY EX-WIFE.

I'M GONNA MAKE A SOFA OUT OF YOU."

DID YOU HOGTIE HER? MY WIFE OR THE ANGUS?

BRADY! YOU CAN'T HOGTIE A COW. THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

YES, OF COURSE. SORRY.

THIS ROOM WAS MY OFFICE FOR A WHILE.

I WROTE MOST OF THE RIVER GAMBLER HERE AT THIS DESK.

FUN. YEAH.

AMY, WE STILL HAVE THE KITCHEN TO SEE

AND THE BACKYARD AND THE POOL, SO... LET'S GET GOING.

YOU'RE JUST GONNA LOVE THE UPSTAIRS GUEST SUITE.

I WILL LOVE IT. ( mouths words )

WHAT?

SHE'S CUTE.

HE'S VERY CHARMING.

ARE YOU MARRIED?

( women talking faintly )

OH, THERE'S BRADY AGAIN.

DID YOU ENJOY THE TOUR? YES.

YOUR HOUSE IS REALLY BEAUTIFUL, REALLY SOMETHING.

THANK YOU.

I HOPE WE CAN WORK SOMETHING OUT.

STILL HAVE A LOT TO THINK ABOUT.

I'LL WALK YOU OUT. GREAT.

IT WAS SO NICE MEETING YOU. THANKS, YOU TOO.

BOY, WHEN IT COMES TO BEING A THIRD WHEEL, YOU'RE REALLY A FLAT.

I'M SURE I WOULD FIND THAT FUNNY IF I KNEW WHAT YOU MEANT.

( car alarm blaring )

( stops )

BRADY, YOU ARE GOING TO RUIN

ANY POTENTIAL OF FINDING A GOOD BUYER.

SOME SELLERS DON'T WANT TO SELL. DON'T BE ONE OF THOSE.

( car alarm blaring ) GUESS THE KIDS ARE RESTLESS.

FORGET IT. I WANT TO SELL THE HOUSE.

HEY! I WAS EATING THOSE! I KNOW!

AMY LIKES THE HOUSE,

BUT IT CERTAINLY DOESN'T HELP TO HAVE YOU LURKING

WHILE I'M TRYING TO SHOW IT.

I WASN'T LURKING. I WAS WANDERING AROUND.

HEY, DOES SHE HAVE A HUSBAND?

NO. YES. I DON'T KNOW.

WHICH IS IT? IT DOESN'T MATTER.

WHY ARE YOU UPSET? I'M NOT UPSET.

YOU JUST-- Hailey: HEY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I'M NOT THE ONE WHO SET OFF THE ALARM.

NO, YOU'RE THE TATTLER. AT LEAST I DIDN'T DO IT.

HEY, HAILEY. HEY, MR. OLINSON.

I TOLD YOU, CALL ME BRADY.

IT'S OKAY.

MOVE, MOVE, MOVE, MOVE. OKAY, OKAY.

STOP MESSING UP MY LIFE.

DID YOU ASK HIM OUT?

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU JUST ASKED ME THAT.

HE'S A CLIENT. SO? HE'S A HOTTIE.

I MEAN, FOR HIS AGE.

I AM MORTIFIED. GET IN THE CAR.

GIVE ME THAT KEY.

ARE WE GOING TO COLLEGE?

YOU'LL BE LUCKY IF I LET YOU LIVE TO 16.

I'M 14. IT'LL BE A SLOW DEATH.

THERE'S NO DEAL. PAY UP.

THIS PLACE IS PROBABLY HAUNTED BY CREEPY KARLA, THE KILLER MAID.

WHAT DO THE STRIPPER AND GAMBLER WANT TO EAT?

I DON'T CARE. WHATEVER.

( scribbling )

( Brady sighs )

( phone ringing )

HELLO?

AMY, IT'S BRADY.

FROM TODAY?

UH, YEAH, I REMEMBER.

I WAS JUST CALLING TO THANK YOU

FOR PUTTING UP WITH ME TODAY, AND, UH,

I WANTED TO SEE IF YOU WERE FREE FOR DINNER TONIGHT.

BRADY, I'M ENGAGED.

OH. REALLY?

BETH SAID YOU WEREN'T ATTACHED.

WELL, SHE MISUNDERSTOOD.

WELL, I-I-I DIDN'T SEE A RING.

OH, WELL, I'M A CARDIAC SURGEON, SO I DON'T WANT TO RISK

LOSING ANYTHING NEXT TO A MAJOR ARTERY.

DON'T YOU WEAR GLOVES?

OF COURSE I DO.

I JUST DON'T WEAR A LOT OF JEWELRY. THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.

WELL, THE ONLY REASON I ASK

IS THAT YOU WERE KIND OF GIVING ME THE "SINGLE" VIBE TODAY.

THE "SINGLE" VIBE? WHAT IS THE "SINGLE" VIBE?

YOU KNOW-- FREEWHEELING, OPEN.

OH, GOD. NO, NO, NO, NO.

IT'S NOT A BAD THING.

LOOK, YOU'RE VERY FUNNY,

AND I LOVE YOUR HOUSE, AND I'M THINKING ABOUT MAKING AN OFFER.

WELL, THEN, DO YOU WANT TO DISCUSS IT OVER LUNCH?

SAY, TOMORROW, 1:00?

SURE.

GREAT. OKAY.

HOW ABOUT THAT

LOCHLAVEN COUNTRY CLUB PLACE?

YEAH, I LOVE THAT PLACE.

OKAY.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA INVITE YOUR FIANCE, ARE YOU?

NO, HE'S IN EUROPE FOR THREE WEEKS.

SEE, THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

THE "SINGLE" VIBE AGAIN.

IT'S JUST LUNCH, BRADY, AND I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.

OKAY.

BYE. BYE.

BRADY. SORRY I'M LATE.

HAD A LITTLE TROUBLE GETTING THE TOP DOWN ON MY CAR.

PORSCHE. I SAW THAT IN YOUR DRIVEWAY.

YOU LIKE IT? I PREFER MY OLD MIATA.

SO, I'M LOSING MY HOUSE TO A BEAUTIFUL HEART SURGEON.

SELLING, SELLING.

SELLING. RIGHT, SELLING.

CAN I GET YOU SOME DRINKS TO START?

AN ICED TEA. JUST WATER FOR ME, PLEASE.

BE RIGHT BACK.

NOT A DRINKER?

WELL, IT'S 1:00 IN THE AFTERNOON, AND I QUIT.

I'M A FRIEND OF BILL'S.

A SOBER WRITER. HOW DOES THAT WORK?

WELL, I SPEND MORE TIME CORRECTING MY STUDENTS' PAPERS THAN WRITING.

WELL, I DON'T DRINK EITHER.

TRYING TO DO A TRIPLE BYPASS WITH A HANGOVER--

NOT MY BEST DAY.

DEATH CAN BE A LITTLE SOBERING.

YES.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU. READY?

YES, I WILL HAVE THE GRILLED VEGETABLE SALAD.

NO CHEESE. THANKS.

AND I'LL HAVE THE STEAK SANDWICH ON RYE

WITH A HALF CAESAR'S PLEASE. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

VEGETARIAN?

IF YOU'D SEEN AS MANY HEARTS AS I'VE SEEN,

YOU'D EAT MORE PLANTS TOO.

I'VE NEVER SEEN A REAL HEART UP CLOSE. WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE?

LIKE A FIST OF MEAT, SOMETIMES WITH GRISTLE.

REALLY? MM-HMM.

WOW. YEAH.

THAT DOESN'T SOUND VERY APPETIZING. NO.

MISS?

YES? I'M GOING TO CHANGE MY ORDER.

I WANT TO GET THE GRILLED VEGETABLE SALAD AS WELL.

THANK YOU.

YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL SMILE. YOU KNOW THAT?

WELL, THANK YOU.

I'M SORRY THAT YOU HAVE TO SELL YOUR HOUSE.

AH, DON'T BE.

HAVE TO, WANT TO, DON'T NEED IT ANYMORE.

IT HAS BAD MEMORIES?

THAT, AND...

I HAD THIS STUPID THING OF THINKING THAT

WHEN THIS THING HAPPENS, I'LL BE HAPPY, RIGHT?

AND THAT THING WOULD HAPPEN, AND I STILL WOULDN'T BE HAPPY.

I SOLD MY FIRST BOOK, GOT MARRIED.

SOLD MY SECOND BOOK, BOUGHT EVERYTHING I EVER WANTED.

AND THEN GOT DIVORCED. ( chuckles )

CHILDREN? ONE. A SON.

HE MADE ME HAPPY,

UNTIL HE BECAME A DRUMMER IN A GOTH BAND.

THEN THERE WAS THE TATTOOS,

THE PIERCINGS, THE WHOLE THING, YOU KNOW.

AND YOU?

UH, I HAVE A DAUGHTER.

SHE'S FINISHING COLLEGE. AND JULIAN HAS TWO SONS.

AND JULIAN IS YOUR FIANCE? YES.

RIGHT, RIGHT. YES.

MY SON MADE ME REALLY HAPPY.

THAT AND MY FIRST BOOK.

I THINK HAPPINESS IS A MADISON AVENUE MYTH.

YOU'RE NOT HAPPY?

I'M HAPPY. I LOVE MY DAUGHTER,

I LOVE MAKING MY PATIENTS FEEL BETTER,

I LOVE MY FIANCE. AND YOU LOVE YOUR MIATA.

I ENJOY MY MIATA. I LOVE MY FIANCE.

RIGHT. PEOPLE VERSUS THINGS.

I GET IT.

WILL YOU EXCUSE ME JUST A MOMENT?

SURE.

( Brady chuckling )

ARE WE GONNA CLOSE THE DEAL HERE OR WHAT?

MAYBE.

AT THIS MOMENT, I FEEL LIKE I COULD

OFFER YOU ANY AMOUNT OF MONEY AND YOU'D ACCEPT IT.

THEN BETH WOULD KILL YOU.

I FEEL CONFUSED

AND RELIEVED, ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT.

WANT TO GO FOR A RIDE?

EXCUSE ME?

I WANT TO SHOW YOU WHY MY PORSCHE

IS MORE FUN THAN YOUR MIATA.

OKAY, LET'S GO.

OKAY.

YOU'RE RIGHT. THIS IS BETTER THAN MY MIATA.

WHAT?

I LOVE IT!

DO I GET THE PRIVATE TOUR NOW? ABSOLUTELY.

WHERE DO WE START?

DO YOU LIKE SUNSETS?

OF COURSE.

YOU LIKE MOVIES?

Man: SHALL WE TAKE A WALK?

YES, LET'S.

Man: WHERE IS HE NOW?

THIS IS A GREAT MOVIE.

EASILY THE BEST ADAPTATION OF HEMINGWAY'S WORK.

YOU SEE,

THE WORLD IS FALLING APART AROUND THEM.

AND THEY'RE STILL FALLING IN LOVE.

YEAH.

YOU DO REALIZE...

YOU'VE COMPLETELY LOST YOUR NEGOTIATING POWER.

SHUT UP AND KISS ME.

SO...

THIS IS THE BED.

ALSO AVAILABLE. OH, IT'S NOT INCLUDED?

HMM-MM.

BUT I'LL FLIP YOU FOR IT.

ME, OR A COIN?

IS THIS A MISTAKE?

PROBABLY.

YOU WERE REALLY GOOD AT THIS MISTAKE.

REALLY.

BRADY...

I ENJOY YOU, AMY,

BUT I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU.

BRADY...

BRADY?

BRADY? HUH?

BRADY! HMM?

WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I'M THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN THIS HOUSE?

UH, I DON'T KNOW. YOU TELL ME.

WELL, THE ESTATE ACROSS THE STREET HAS BEEN FOR SALE

FOR OVER FIVE YEARS.

YEAH, BUT THEIR GARDEN NEEDS WORK, AND, UH,

THEY DON'T HAVE ALL THE GOOD STORIES.

NO TROPHIES,

NO FIRING RANGE, NO DEAD BODIES.

SEE? THAT DOES SOUND BETTER, DOESN'T IT?

YOU KNOW, I'D GIVE UP MY HOUSE IN A SECOND FOR A WOMAN LIKE YOU.

ME? I'M-- I'M TAKEN.

I KNOW.

YOU JUST WANT TO TALK ABOUT MONEY.

"MONEY."

YOU KNOW BETH WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR YOU, RIGHT?

YOU MEAN FOR THE SALE OF THE HOUSE?

NO, DUMMY. FOR YOU.

YOU DON'T GET IT, DO YOU?

I'M-I'M NOT SURE.

IT'S AMAZING. WHAT IS?

NOTHING. FORGET IT.

LOOK, IT'S A TOUGH MARKET FOR SELLERS.

WELL, IN THE PRICE RANGE WE'RE TALKING,

THINGS TEND TO BE CONSTANT, YOU KNOW?

YOU'RE CUTE. SO ARE YOU.

NO, PLEASE, PLEASE. I GOT IT.

THANK YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

YOU REALLY ARE A HEARTBREAKER, YOU KNOW THAT?

I'VE NEVER HEARD THAT ONE BEFORE.

GOOD LUCK, BRADY.

NO. NO, DON'T.

YES. NO, PLEASE.

( music swells )

( explosion )

BRADY!

BRADY OLINSON, GET YOUR ASS UP!

BRADY!

( snoring )

OW!

MORNING TO YOU TOO.

WHAT DID YOU SAY TO HER?

WHO? WE LOST AMY.

SHE'S MAKING AN OFFER ON THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET.

OKAY. AND SHE'S GONNA GET A STEAL.

SHE'S GETTING THE DEAL OF THE CENTURY ON THAT

SLAB OF STONE!

SO YOU'LL GET THAT COMMISSION.

WHAT ARE YOU GETTING ON MY CASE FOR?

EXCUSE ME?

GETTING ON YOUR CASE?

IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY?

IT'S NOT EVEN YOUR HOUSE. WHY DO YOU EVEN CARE?

BECAUSE! OW! STOP THAT!

BECAUSE I CARE ABOUT YOU!

I'VE GOT SOME GRASS I NEED TO GO CUT.

YOU'RE GONNA GO CUT SOME GRASS?

THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO RIGHT NOW, GO CUT SOME GRASS?

I LIKE CUTTING GRASS.

I HAPPEN TO LIKE IT A LOT.

LOOK, IT'LL BE FINE.

EVERYTHING HAS A WAY OF WORKING ITSELF OUT, YOU KNOW?

WE NEED TO RE-THINK OUR RELATIONSHIP.

WHAT, YOU DON'T WANT TO BE MY REALTOR ANYMORE?

I CAN'T DEAL WITH YOU ANYMORE.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

HEY.

HEY...

COME ON.

COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.

IT'S NOT AS BAD AS ALL THAT.

I MEAN, IT'S JUST A HOUSE. WHO CARES?

IT'S NOT ABOUT THE HOUSE.

IT'S ABOUT ME?

I THOUGHT YOU HATED ME.

NO.

YOU HATED YOU.

BETH, BETH, BETH.

LOOK AT ME.

I'M DAMAGED GOODS.

YOU KNOW?

I'M BARELY GETTING BY ON TEACHING.

BEEN A DRUNK,

A WOMANIZER... BAD WOMANIZER.

AND AN ASSHOLE, AND YOU'RE A SLOB, RIGHT. RIGHT.

AND YOU'RE IRRESPONSIBLE.

OKAY. OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

CLEARLY, I'M NOT SOMEONE

YOU WANT TO TIE YOUR LIFE TO.

BUT I DO.

THEN YOU'RE CRAZIER THAN I AM,

BETH LESCOVITZ.

YOU'RE A JERK.

( guitar strumming )

Woman: * I'M THINKING I LOVE YOU

* BUT I'M NOT SURE

* YOU SEEM TO HAVE SHOWN UP AT MY DOOR *

* AND IT'S WIDE OPEN IN FRONT OF ME *

* OUTSIDE

* THE GRASS IS GREENER

* THAN IT'S BEEN IN YEARS

* OR SO IT SEEMS THAT THIS COULD BE *

* A PERFECT, BEAUTIFUL DAY

* BEAUTIFUL DAY

* OH, I WONDER

* HOW THE CLOUDS MADE THOSE DESIGNS *

* AND LOOK, THAT ONE IS YOU *

* AND OVER THERE, THAT ONE IS ME *

* THAT'S WHAT I SEE ON THIS BEAUTIFUL DAY *

* ON THIS BEAUTIFUL DAY

* IN THE AFTERNOON, LOVE IS IN FULL BLOOM *

* THE SUN FEELS GOOD ON MY SKIN *

* WITH THE PERFECT SKY SUNLIGHT IN OUR EYES *

* RUNNING INTO THE WIND