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1
00:00:20,809 --> 00:00:22,609
So, I said to her, I said,
2
00:00:22,649 --> 00:00:25,530
"You're a perfectly attractive
young woman."
3
00:00:25,570 --> 00:00:28,410
"Why have you gone
and done that to your face?"
4
00:00:28,449 --> 00:00:32,250
"Your lips look like you've been
attacked by a swarm of bees!"
5
00:00:32,289 --> 00:00:33,649
And what did she say?
6
00:00:33,689 --> 00:00:37,130
Well, it turned out she HAD been
attacked by a swarm of bees, so...
7
00:00:37,170 --> 00:00:39,770
Right. So that's when they asked you
to leave? Yeah.
8
00:00:39,810 --> 00:00:41,689
The groom was quite rude.
9
00:00:41,729 --> 00:00:43,289
Surprising (!)
10
00:00:43,329 --> 00:00:44,810
Yeah. I mean, I let it go,
11
00:00:44,850 --> 00:00:46,969
cos the service was about to start.
12
00:00:47,009 --> 00:00:48,049
Uh-huh.
13
00:00:49,810 --> 00:00:53,130
I don't remember you having
this many customers in February.
14
00:00:53,170 --> 00:00:56,170
I don't remember you having
ANY customers in February.
15
00:00:56,210 --> 00:00:57,570
Are they all here to see the doc?
16
00:00:57,609 --> 00:01:00,090
Yeah. Well, he's doing very nicely
out of it.
17
00:01:00,130 --> 00:01:01,649
Free nosh.
18
00:01:01,689 --> 00:01:03,250
MAN OUTSIDE: Beep, beep! Hey!
19
00:01:03,290 --> 00:01:04,849
Oh, here comes Easy Rider.
20
00:01:06,049 --> 00:01:07,090
HE RINGS BELL
21
00:01:07,129 --> 00:01:09,569
Same time every morning.
He's a menace!
22
00:01:09,609 --> 00:01:12,049
If God had meant us
to ride scooters,
23
00:01:12,090 --> 00:01:15,049
he'd have given us one leg
shorter than the other.
24
00:01:15,090 --> 00:01:16,609
Eh?
I wouldn't mind
25
00:01:16,650 --> 00:01:18,930
if he was ten years old.
Well, you would.
26
00:01:18,969 --> 00:01:21,450
When that ten-year-old ran into you
with his scooter that time,
27
00:01:21,489 --> 00:01:24,849
I remember you... Well...
his mum said he needed counselling.
28
00:01:24,890 --> 00:01:28,370
What is it with you
and all this remembering stuff?
29
00:01:28,409 --> 00:01:31,209
Some of us don't live in the past.
30
00:01:31,250 --> 00:01:34,090
Says the woman who still calls
the Internet "a fad".
31
00:01:34,129 --> 00:01:36,049
Yes, darling, what can I get you?
32
00:01:36,090 --> 00:01:37,569
A flat white, please.
33
00:01:37,609 --> 00:01:39,730
A flat white...?
34
00:01:40,890 --> 00:01:43,730
Coffee?
That's the one.
35
00:01:43,769 --> 00:01:46,609
So...
No, we just do coffee.
36
00:01:46,650 --> 00:01:47,810
Do you do oat milk?
37
00:01:47,849 --> 00:01:49,730
Are you allergic to cows' milk?
38
00:01:49,769 --> 00:01:50,769
No.
39
00:01:51,769 --> 00:01:53,290
Yeah, we do oat milk.
40
00:01:55,329 --> 00:01:57,450
And then there's this.
41
00:01:57,489 --> 00:01:59,370
Now, it does look a bit like eczema.
42
00:01:59,409 --> 00:02:00,650
Because it is eczema.
43
00:02:00,689 --> 00:02:02,890
Though it also looks like impetigo.
44
00:02:02,930 --> 00:02:04,290
But it's eczema.
45
00:02:04,329 --> 00:02:07,250
It bears a passing resemblance
to chickenpox.
46
00:02:07,289 --> 00:02:09,610
Now, come on, Mr Mulholland,
I know you're a regular,
47
00:02:09,650 --> 00:02:11,210
but you've had your ten minutes.
48
00:02:11,250 --> 00:02:13,449
Well, I was hoping
for a more detailed consultation
49
00:02:13,490 --> 00:02:14,610
now I've gone private.
50
00:02:16,930 --> 00:02:19,250
You haven't gone private.
I'm not getting paid!
51
00:02:19,289 --> 00:02:22,770
I only wanted toast.
She made me buy a full English.
52
00:02:22,810 --> 00:02:24,330
I'm not working.
53
00:02:24,370 --> 00:02:26,689
Asylum seekers
get their applications turned down
54
00:02:26,729 --> 00:02:28,250
if they are caught working.
55
00:02:28,289 --> 00:02:30,490
I was hoping you'd take a look
at my fungal patch.
56
00:02:32,770 --> 00:02:34,930
Can you get athlete's foot
on your testicles?
57
00:02:36,330 --> 00:02:38,569
We're not gonna find out today.
58
00:02:38,610 --> 00:02:41,729
Or ever.
I did look up athlete's scrotum...
59
00:02:41,770 --> 00:02:44,129
But I ended up
on a very strange webpage.
60
00:02:46,569 --> 00:02:49,050
Hypochondriacs plus the Internet.
61
00:02:49,090 --> 00:02:50,770
It's paraffin plus a match.
62
00:02:50,810 --> 00:02:52,650
Ah, but very good for business.
63
00:02:52,689 --> 00:02:55,169
Er, Kate?
I am most concerned that...
64
00:02:55,210 --> 00:02:56,330
PINGING SOUND
Oh.
65
00:02:57,530 --> 00:02:59,370
Oh, no, you're all right.
It's the microwave.
66
00:02:59,409 --> 00:03:03,250
I am most concerned that this
unofficial arrangement of ours is...
67
00:03:03,289 --> 00:03:05,210
SHE YELLS:
Side order of hash browns!
68
00:03:05,250 --> 00:03:06,610
BELL RINGS
69
00:03:06,650 --> 00:03:08,289
Morning, all.
70
00:03:08,330 --> 00:03:09,650
That is a...
71
00:03:09,689 --> 00:03:11,849
DOG SNARLS
..very imposing dog, Nicholas.
72
00:03:11,889 --> 00:03:14,050
I'm not Nicholas.
But you're Nick.
73
00:03:14,090 --> 00:03:15,289
Yeah.
74
00:03:15,330 --> 00:03:17,330
See, at school,
I didn't have a nickname,
75
00:03:17,370 --> 00:03:18,490
and I wanted one.
76
00:03:18,530 --> 00:03:21,129
So they called me No Nickname
as a nickname.
77
00:03:21,169 --> 00:03:23,449
But that was too long, so...
78
00:03:23,490 --> 00:03:24,849
it just got shortened to Nick.
79
00:03:27,889 --> 00:03:29,569
Right.
Is Koji short for anything?
80
00:03:29,610 --> 00:03:31,930
No, it's... It's a name.
81
00:03:31,969 --> 00:03:33,610
Yeah, but, you know...
It's just a name.
82
00:03:33,650 --> 00:03:35,169
The thing that people get called.
OK?
83
00:03:35,210 --> 00:03:36,610
OK.
84
00:03:36,650 --> 00:03:38,490
Oi, genius.
85
00:03:38,530 --> 00:03:40,689
What does the sign say?
86
00:03:42,090 --> 00:03:45,050
"A glass of tap water
is a privilege, not a right."
87
00:03:45,090 --> 00:03:46,569
No, not that one.
88
00:03:46,610 --> 00:03:48,569
"No dogs". Out.
89
00:03:48,610 --> 00:03:50,849
Come on, Khaleesi.
90
00:03:50,889 --> 00:03:52,729
Come on.
91
00:03:52,770 --> 00:03:55,449
I think I'm your last patient.
Mm-mm.
92
00:03:55,490 --> 00:03:57,490
I don't have patients. Er...
93
00:03:57,530 --> 00:03:59,409
I chit-chat to customers.
94
00:03:59,449 --> 00:04:00,969
And coincidentally,
95
00:04:01,009 --> 00:04:03,409
that chit-chat may sometimes
involve medical problems.
96
00:04:03,449 --> 00:04:04,689
OK...
97
00:04:05,969 --> 00:04:08,449
What'd you do with the dog?
Tied her up outside.
98
00:04:08,490 --> 00:04:10,129
Er...
99
00:04:10,169 --> 00:04:11,729
She's a big soppy!
100
00:04:11,770 --> 00:04:14,090
She'll be fine.
As long as no-one surprises her.
101
00:04:14,129 --> 00:04:15,529
What, like that chugger did?
102
00:04:15,569 --> 00:04:18,009
He just sort of leapt out!
Hang about.
103
00:04:18,050 --> 00:04:20,290
What, you've just...?
104
00:04:20,329 --> 00:04:24,529
So now I've got a slavering
great psychopath as a bouncer?
105
00:04:24,569 --> 00:04:26,386
But you said...
I might as well have a minefield
106
00:04:26,410 --> 00:04:28,930
on my doorstep.
But I...
107
00:04:28,970 --> 00:04:31,370
Oh, look, just bring her through
and sling her out the back.
108
00:04:31,410 --> 00:04:33,930
OK, yeah. Come on, Khaleesi!
109
00:04:33,970 --> 00:04:35,329
Khaleesi!
110
00:04:35,370 --> 00:04:38,009
What kind of name's that for a dog?
111
00:04:38,050 --> 00:04:41,209
What happened to
those proper dog names, like...
112
00:04:41,250 --> 00:04:44,449
Sabre, and Gnasher, and Fang?
113
00:04:46,649 --> 00:04:48,769
KHALEESI SNARLS
114
00:04:48,810 --> 00:04:51,089
I thought you were painting
those toilets today.
115
00:04:51,129 --> 00:04:52,649
Oh, I was,
but the theatre management
116
00:04:52,689 --> 00:04:54,529
can't decide on
how many genders to add.
117
00:04:56,209 --> 00:04:58,329
With the symptoms you've described,
118
00:04:58,370 --> 00:04:59,930
I think you should get a blood test.
119
00:04:59,970 --> 00:05:02,129
Just to check up
you haven't got something, perhaps,
120
00:05:02,170 --> 00:05:03,569
like hypothyroidism.
121
00:05:03,610 --> 00:05:06,209
So tell my doctor
you said I might have...
122
00:05:06,250 --> 00:05:07,689
Ah, ah! No, no, no.
123
00:05:07,730 --> 00:05:09,610
There's no need to mention me.
124
00:05:09,649 --> 00:05:11,930
Just tell them
you looked it up on the Internet.
125
00:05:11,970 --> 00:05:13,930
Oh, yeah. Doctors love that (!)
126
00:05:13,970 --> 00:05:15,410
PINGING SOUND
127
00:05:18,730 --> 00:05:21,329
Oh, it's OK, it's not a text.
128
00:05:21,370 --> 00:05:24,129
The micro pings
the same as the phone ping.
129
00:05:24,170 --> 00:05:27,889
Well, I can't unping my ping,
so you'll have to reping your pings.
130
00:05:29,850 --> 00:05:31,490
Bye, darling.
Bye.
131
00:05:31,529 --> 00:05:33,689
Bye, Doc.
So, Kate, how do you...
132
00:05:33,730 --> 00:05:36,290
Doc? What do you mean, Doc?
133
00:05:36,329 --> 00:05:38,769
That's Dr Radwan. So, Kate...
134
00:05:38,810 --> 00:05:40,449
Why would a doctor come here?
135
00:05:40,490 --> 00:05:42,089
Well, doctors have to eat.
136
00:05:42,129 --> 00:05:44,370
And we serve
proper home-cooked food,
137
00:05:44,410 --> 00:05:47,129
and none of those
sun-drenched heritage tomatoes.
138
00:05:47,170 --> 00:05:48,850
She's going to report me.
139
00:05:48,889 --> 00:05:50,689
Or curated hand-glazed carrots.
140
00:05:50,730 --> 00:05:52,410
I'm going to put up a sign,
141
00:05:52,449 --> 00:05:54,970
"We serve adjective-free food."
142
00:05:56,610 --> 00:05:58,170
I'll end up on a plane in handcuffs,
143
00:05:58,209 --> 00:06:00,649
and everyone will think
I'm a criminal.
144
00:06:00,689 --> 00:06:01,730
Don't worry, Koji, mate.
145
00:06:01,769 --> 00:06:04,050
Even if she does report you,
you're not actually working.
146
00:06:04,089 --> 00:06:06,449
So, look, I'm sure the immigration
lot'll be reasonable.
147
00:06:06,490 --> 00:06:08,089
Reasonable? I've met them!
148
00:06:08,129 --> 00:06:09,930
Reason requires intelligence.
149
00:06:09,970 --> 00:06:12,329
And they are actually
quite a low class of individuals.
150
00:06:12,370 --> 00:06:14,050
The last official who wrote to me
151
00:06:14,089 --> 00:06:16,689
seemed unaware of
the existence of the apostrophe.
152
00:06:16,730 --> 00:06:20,410
OK, OK,
don't go all Rees-Mogg on us.
153
00:06:20,449 --> 00:06:22,089
All we're saying is that...
154
00:06:22,129 --> 00:06:23,529
PHONE RINGS
155
00:06:26,410 --> 00:06:28,209
Hi, Spencer.
156
00:06:29,649 --> 00:06:32,250
No, no. No, don't get all anxious.
157
00:06:34,129 --> 00:06:37,370
No, no, I know it's your birthday.
158
00:06:37,410 --> 00:06:39,970
I baked you a cake
with a big 19 on it.
159
00:06:40,009 --> 00:06:41,930
SHE CHUCKLES
Yeah, it's in the kitchen.
160
00:06:43,290 --> 00:06:45,290
Well, yes, to see it,
161
00:06:45,329 --> 00:06:47,529
you would have to leave
your bedroom.
162
00:06:47,569 --> 00:06:50,209
That's her grandson.
He lives with her.
163
00:06:50,250 --> 00:06:52,850
He suffers from that thing
that stops you from, er...
164
00:06:52,889 --> 00:06:54,529
Oh, what's it called? Erm...
165
00:06:54,569 --> 00:06:57,209
Oh, yeah. Uselessness.
166
00:06:57,250 --> 00:06:58,810
Don't worry, love.
167
00:06:58,850 --> 00:07:01,569
I'm sure your mum'll phone.
168
00:07:01,610 --> 00:07:05,050
Well, she's in
a different time zone, isn't she?
169
00:07:05,089 --> 00:07:08,209
Yeah. Yeah,
I expect she'll ring you later.
170
00:07:08,250 --> 00:07:09,810
Bye, love.
171
00:07:14,009 --> 00:07:15,329
SHE SIGHS
172
00:07:15,370 --> 00:07:16,769
Oh, hello.
173
00:07:16,810 --> 00:07:19,290
You won't remember me.
I'm your mother.
174
00:07:20,850 --> 00:07:22,689
It's your son's birthday.
175
00:07:22,730 --> 00:07:24,449
Just ring him.
176
00:07:26,649 --> 00:07:29,889
Look, it is better
if I don't come here any more.
177
00:07:29,930 --> 00:07:31,689
No, I mean, you like it here,
178
00:07:31,730 --> 00:07:33,170
away from that hostel.
179
00:07:33,209 --> 00:07:35,329
Look, these consultations,
180
00:07:35,370 --> 00:07:36,769
I have to stop doing them.
181
00:07:36,810 --> 00:07:38,569
Look, you're popular.
182
00:07:38,610 --> 00:07:42,810
People don't like
these new young, smiley doctors.
183
00:07:42,850 --> 00:07:45,129
They like
proper old-fashioned doctors
184
00:07:45,170 --> 00:07:47,529
who are irritable and slightly rude.
185
00:07:48,610 --> 00:07:51,689
No, I am not doing this any more.
Well, at least come in tomorrow.
186
00:07:51,730 --> 00:07:54,490
You've got a big caseload booked in.
187
00:07:54,529 --> 00:07:56,410
You're taking bookings?
No.
188
00:07:57,970 --> 00:08:00,410
No, I was just talking
in a general...
189
00:08:00,449 --> 00:08:02,329
I've come in to inform you that...
190
00:08:02,370 --> 00:08:04,730
Excuse me, Councillor Bone.
191
00:08:04,769 --> 00:08:07,850
I'm in the middle of a conversation
with my good friend, here.
192
00:08:07,889 --> 00:08:09,449
He's still here, then.
193
00:08:09,490 --> 00:08:11,970
How can he afford
to eat here every day?
194
00:08:12,009 --> 00:08:14,930
Maybe these asylum seekers
aren't as poor as they make out.
195
00:08:14,970 --> 00:08:17,089
Leave him alone, he saved my life.
196
00:08:17,129 --> 00:08:19,850
Oh, he's a doctor, isn't he?
197
00:08:19,889 --> 00:08:21,329
That's what I've heard.
198
00:08:21,370 --> 00:08:24,490
And he's not allowed to work
as a doctor.
199
00:08:26,009 --> 00:08:28,449
He saved him from drowning.
200
00:08:28,490 --> 00:08:30,410
Drowning?
Yes, drowning.
201
00:08:30,449 --> 00:08:31,730
Yes, drowning.
202
00:08:31,769 --> 00:08:33,649
He was swept out to sea.
Yeah, by a wave.
203
00:08:33,690 --> 00:08:34,850
A big one.
204
00:08:34,889 --> 00:08:37,049
Are you all trying to make me
look like an idiot?
205
00:08:37,090 --> 00:08:39,809
Nah, there's no challenge in that.
206
00:08:39,850 --> 00:08:41,809
I merely came in here
to inform you...
207
00:08:41,850 --> 00:08:43,330
Keep your voice down, please,
208
00:08:43,370 --> 00:08:46,210
because you're disturbing
my many customers.
209
00:08:47,370 --> 00:08:50,009
I merely came in here to inform you
210
00:08:50,049 --> 00:08:52,769
that you are banned
from all future public meetings.
211
00:08:52,809 --> 00:08:55,490
Ooh! Look, you constantly
disrupted my agenda,
212
00:08:55,529 --> 00:08:58,370
banging on about scooters
on pavements and God knows what.
213
00:08:58,409 --> 00:09:00,970
And when I tried to stop you,
you became abusive.
214
00:09:01,009 --> 00:09:02,450
I was not abusive.
215
00:09:02,490 --> 00:09:05,049
I demand a copy of the minutes.
216
00:09:05,090 --> 00:09:06,490
It's not in the minutes.
217
00:09:06,529 --> 00:09:09,529
The clerk was too upset to
write down the words you called me.
218
00:09:09,570 --> 00:09:10,889
And he was in the Navy.
219
00:09:12,009 --> 00:09:14,690
And don't attempt to attend
any future meetings.
220
00:09:14,730 --> 00:09:16,649
The security guard has your photo.
221
00:09:16,690 --> 00:09:18,850
And if you appear,
he will throw you out.
222
00:09:18,889 --> 00:09:21,169
Norman? With his hips?
223
00:09:21,210 --> 00:09:22,570
I shall be keeping my eye on you.
224
00:09:23,730 --> 00:09:25,649
And you, Dr Baywatch.
225
00:09:29,250 --> 00:09:31,370
Councillor Bone, everyone.
226
00:09:31,409 --> 00:09:35,169
She likes to think she's so much
better than the rest of us.
227
00:09:35,210 --> 00:09:38,730
But I once saw her throw up
into a saxophone.
228
00:09:40,929 --> 00:09:42,850
While someone was playing it.
229
00:09:45,009 --> 00:09:48,090
Well done, Kate. Now this councillor
is keeping an eye on me.
230
00:09:48,129 --> 00:09:50,490
Look, she's just...
No, this is all too risky.
231
00:09:50,529 --> 00:09:53,330
I've made up my mind.
I'm going to end this arrangement.
232
00:09:53,370 --> 00:09:54,769
No, you're overreacting.
233
00:09:54,809 --> 00:09:56,730
This is a perfectly good...
DOOR OPENS.
234
00:09:56,769 --> 00:09:59,169
All right, darling?
235
00:09:59,210 --> 00:10:00,929
Did you leave something behind?
236
00:10:00,970 --> 00:10:04,649
No, I just need to speak with
Dr Akindele.
237
00:10:04,690 --> 00:10:07,289
Oh, my God. It's all right.
We don't know why she's here yet.
238
00:10:07,330 --> 00:10:11,570
Whatever she says, stay cool,
stay calm, and don't panic, OK?
239
00:10:11,610 --> 00:10:13,049
OK.
240
00:10:17,649 --> 00:10:19,490
So...
Don't report me!
241
00:10:27,370 --> 00:10:30,210
That is quite an extreme position,
Auntie.
242
00:10:30,250 --> 00:10:32,210
Well, it's the only answer.
243
00:10:32,250 --> 00:10:34,409
I've met too many men like him,
244
00:10:34,450 --> 00:10:37,690
men who treat women
with reckless disregard.
245
00:10:37,730 --> 00:10:41,210
So you are arguing
that the Prime Minister...
246
00:10:41,250 --> 00:10:42,929
should be neutered?
Yep.
247
00:10:46,129 --> 00:10:48,090
Get Boris done.
248
00:10:52,490 --> 00:10:54,690
Probably make him more focused.
249
00:10:55,850 --> 00:10:57,610
God, Koji looks worried.
250
00:10:57,649 --> 00:11:01,049
So when I heard
about your consultations,
251
00:11:01,090 --> 00:11:03,330
I came here to check
if you were competent.
252
00:11:03,370 --> 00:11:05,009
And you are.
253
00:11:05,049 --> 00:11:09,250
In fact, far more so than
Dr Gravestone in our practice.
254
00:11:09,289 --> 00:11:11,690
Dr Gravestone?
Is that another silly nickname?
255
00:11:11,730 --> 00:11:12,850
No.
256
00:11:12,889 --> 00:11:16,009
No, unfortunately, that is his name.
257
00:11:16,049 --> 00:11:18,529
His nickname is Dignitas.
258
00:11:20,330 --> 00:11:22,289
PHONE RINGS
259
00:11:23,529 --> 00:11:26,129
Spencer! What is it, love?
260
00:11:27,409 --> 00:11:29,169
No, deep breaths, darling.
261
00:11:29,210 --> 00:11:30,570
Deep breaths.
262
00:11:30,610 --> 00:11:33,169
Here's that tea you ordered.
263
00:11:33,210 --> 00:11:35,929
Oh, right. Thank you.
264
00:11:35,970 --> 00:11:37,649
And that'll be £1.20,
265
00:11:37,690 --> 00:11:40,169
cos you don't get stuff for free.
266
00:11:40,210 --> 00:11:41,370
Right.
267
00:11:41,409 --> 00:11:42,769
Anyhow, I was...
268
00:11:42,809 --> 00:11:44,970
So you make sure you pay for that.
269
00:11:47,250 --> 00:11:50,970
I will. So, you were... reassured?
270
00:11:51,009 --> 00:11:52,730
I was, yeah.
271
00:11:52,769 --> 00:11:54,490
You're known as Koji?
272
00:11:54,529 --> 00:11:56,090
Yes.
273
00:11:56,129 --> 00:11:58,730
You're Kojak Akindele?
274
00:12:03,970 --> 00:12:07,169
Yes, my father liked
American detective shows.
275
00:12:08,330 --> 00:12:09,850
Uh-huh.
276
00:12:09,889 --> 00:12:12,370
Kojak Columbo Quincy...
277
00:12:14,409 --> 00:12:17,450
...Cagney Lacey Akindele.
278
00:12:17,490 --> 00:12:20,129
Yes, he liked them a lot.
279
00:12:20,169 --> 00:12:23,210
And my mother
was annoyingly passive.
280
00:12:23,250 --> 00:12:25,049
And you're a doctor.
Yes.
281
00:12:25,090 --> 00:12:26,289
Who's been struck off.
282
00:12:26,330 --> 00:12:28,330
No, no, no. You've made a mistake.
283
00:12:28,370 --> 00:12:29,570
Oh, have I got the wrong
284
00:12:29,610 --> 00:12:32,809
Kojak Columbo Quincy Cagney Lacey
Akindele?
285
00:12:32,850 --> 00:12:34,529
There's no... It's...
286
00:12:34,570 --> 00:12:36,049
He's my brother.
287
00:12:36,090 --> 00:12:37,929
I am Rocky Akindele.
288
00:12:37,970 --> 00:12:39,330
Ro...?!
289
00:12:39,370 --> 00:12:40,570
Rocky?
Mm-hm.
290
00:12:40,610 --> 00:12:43,610
Short for Rockford Akindele.
291
00:12:43,649 --> 00:12:46,529
My father liked American...
Yeah, I've got that.
292
00:12:46,570 --> 00:12:49,769
So why did you take on
your brother's identity?
293
00:12:49,809 --> 00:12:52,210
Well, he was a doctor too.
294
00:12:52,250 --> 00:12:56,850
Honestly, that daughter of mine
still hasn't contacted Spencer.
295
00:12:56,889 --> 00:13:00,570
How can a mother be so brutal
to her own kid?
296
00:13:00,610 --> 00:13:02,730
The stupid cow!
297
00:13:03,730 --> 00:13:04,730
Yeah...
298
00:13:05,889 --> 00:13:08,730
The police in my country
seized my passport.
299
00:13:08,769 --> 00:13:11,289
So I used my brother's passport
to leave the country
300
00:13:11,330 --> 00:13:13,850
and to enter this country.
301
00:13:13,889 --> 00:13:16,970
So why didn't you just explain this
to Immigration when you arrived?
302
00:13:17,009 --> 00:13:19,330
HE SIGHS
I know. I should have.
303
00:13:19,370 --> 00:13:21,169
I just panicked.
304
00:13:21,210 --> 00:13:23,769
Didn't they recognise you were
different in the photograph?
305
00:13:23,809 --> 00:13:26,330
Fortunately,
we all look the same to them.
306
00:13:28,250 --> 00:13:32,009
Yeah. Sometimes unconscious racism
can be so useful.
307
00:13:33,169 --> 00:13:36,090
But what will happen
when your brother needs a passport?
308
00:13:38,169 --> 00:13:39,289
He disappeared.
309
00:13:40,690 --> 00:13:42,370
He won't reappear.
310
00:13:42,409 --> 00:13:46,370
Oh, here's that cup of tea
you ordered earlier.
311
00:13:47,529 --> 00:13:49,690
Mind you remember to pay for it,
312
00:13:49,730 --> 00:13:52,129
because
you don't get stuff for free.
313
00:13:55,090 --> 00:13:57,289
Er, look, Rocky...
It's Koji.
314
00:13:57,330 --> 00:14:00,610
That's how I'm registered
for asylum. It has to be Koji.
315
00:14:00,649 --> 00:14:04,009
I need to check this out.
My signal's really bad.
316
00:14:04,049 --> 00:14:07,529
Erm... Excuse me,
what's your Wi-Fi code?
317
00:14:07,570 --> 00:14:10,409
"Try talking for once",
all lower case.
318
00:14:17,409 --> 00:14:19,649
"Try talking"...
319
00:14:19,690 --> 00:14:20,730
She's mucking about.
320
00:14:20,769 --> 00:14:22,570
There is no Wi-Fi.
Really?
321
00:14:22,610 --> 00:14:24,809
You can usually get 4G
in that corner.
322
00:14:24,850 --> 00:14:25,929
Thanks.
323
00:14:25,970 --> 00:14:30,929
And don't forget to pay
for that toast you had earlier.
324
00:14:30,970 --> 00:14:33,129
Can you stop doing that?
PHONE RINGS.
325
00:14:34,490 --> 00:14:36,289
Hi, Spencer.
326
00:14:37,409 --> 00:14:40,090
No, no, darling, don't get anxious.
327
00:14:41,370 --> 00:14:43,129
What?
328
00:14:43,169 --> 00:14:45,009
What, I can't hear you, love.
329
00:14:46,129 --> 00:14:48,289
Oh, no, I've lost you.
Beep, beep!
330
00:14:48,330 --> 00:14:50,129
Blind old bat!
331
00:14:50,169 --> 00:14:51,970
Grow up!
332
00:14:58,009 --> 00:14:59,529
I don't know.
333
00:14:59,570 --> 00:15:02,730
What happened to
the much-loved British V-sign?
334
00:15:03,850 --> 00:15:06,970
It's sad
when the old traditions die.
335
00:15:07,009 --> 00:15:08,649
I blame the Americans.
336
00:15:08,690 --> 00:15:10,009
And the Italians.
337
00:15:10,049 --> 00:15:12,610
And the French, obviously.
338
00:15:12,649 --> 00:15:14,049
Now, how's he getting on?
339
00:15:15,169 --> 00:15:16,610
I think he's stopped shaking.
340
00:15:16,649 --> 00:15:19,649
Well, Rockford...
oh, sorry, I mean Koji.
341
00:15:19,690 --> 00:15:21,450
You do seem to be qualified.
342
00:15:21,490 --> 00:15:24,730
And I suppose it's nothing to do
with me what you call yourself.
343
00:15:24,769 --> 00:15:26,929
So everything is all right now?
344
00:15:26,970 --> 00:15:27,970
Yeah.
345
00:15:28,009 --> 00:15:29,769
And no.
346
00:15:29,809 --> 00:15:32,409
I got an email yesterday
from Mr Mulholland,
347
00:15:32,450 --> 00:15:34,769
saying he wasn't gonna be
my patient any more.
348
00:15:34,809 --> 00:15:36,250
He was gonna be yours.
349
00:15:36,289 --> 00:15:38,129
So sorry. Please don't report me.
350
00:15:38,169 --> 00:15:40,610
I won't report you,
on one condition.
351
00:15:40,649 --> 00:15:41,889
That I never see him again.
352
00:15:41,929 --> 00:15:42,970
No, I won't report you
353
00:15:43,009 --> 00:15:45,009
on the condition
that I never see him again.
354
00:15:46,889 --> 00:15:49,730
That man has been in and out of
my surgery practically every day
355
00:15:49,769 --> 00:15:51,210
for the last ten years.
356
00:15:51,250 --> 00:15:54,049
He's harder to get rid of
than chlamydia.
357
00:15:54,090 --> 00:15:57,009
So Mr Mulholland is mine?
358
00:15:57,049 --> 00:16:00,129
Yep. Ooh! And while I'm at it...
359
00:16:00,169 --> 00:16:03,649
Same goes for
all of these patients too.
360
00:16:03,690 --> 00:16:07,370
You keep them away from me,
and nothing more needs to be said.
361
00:16:07,409 --> 00:16:09,889
I've never seen a Mr Panathanides.
362
00:16:09,929 --> 00:16:11,769
CHUCKLING: You will.
363
00:16:11,809 --> 00:16:15,610
His party piece is to present
with all the symptoms of lockjaw.
364
00:16:15,649 --> 00:16:17,809
Present for you.
365
00:16:17,850 --> 00:16:19,090
And, um...
366
00:16:19,129 --> 00:16:22,009
Obviously, this conversation
never took place.
367
00:16:23,090 --> 00:16:25,409
I really wouldn't wanna be
in your shoes.
368
00:16:26,490 --> 00:16:27,490
Good luck.
369
00:16:27,529 --> 00:16:29,649
Yes. The asylum process is very...
370
00:16:29,690 --> 00:16:31,690
No, I was thinking about
Mr Mulholland.
371
00:16:33,330 --> 00:16:36,649
Oh, and, um, don't forget
to charge him for those teas.
372
00:16:40,450 --> 00:16:42,450
I think Dr Radwan sort of likes you.
373
00:16:42,490 --> 00:16:44,169
Apart from
the whole blackmail thing.
374
00:16:44,210 --> 00:16:46,649
Yes, that's always
a sign of affection.
375
00:16:46,690 --> 00:16:49,129
I suppose this does mean
376
00:16:49,169 --> 00:16:51,529
you'll have to keep seeing patients
here.
377
00:16:51,570 --> 00:16:54,210
She's lent me a stethoscope
and a blood pressure monitor.
378
00:16:54,250 --> 00:16:56,450
Well, you can't be seen using them.
379
00:16:56,490 --> 00:16:58,049
You'll have to use them
in the toilet.
380
00:17:00,009 --> 00:17:01,570
Oh, what a good idea (!)
381
00:17:01,610 --> 00:17:02,970
In fact, I think that's part of
382
00:17:03,009 --> 00:17:05,730
the infection prevention
protocol (!)
383
00:17:05,769 --> 00:17:08,450
Always examine patients
in the toilet (!)
384
00:17:08,490 --> 00:17:10,609
Always do operations in abattoirs,
385
00:17:10,650 --> 00:17:13,569
and sterilise instruments
in dead fish (!)
386
00:17:15,529 --> 00:17:16,970
Where'd that come from?
387
00:17:17,009 --> 00:17:18,769
He's had a very stressful day.
388
00:17:18,809 --> 00:17:20,250
I've had a stressful day!
389
00:17:20,289 --> 00:17:21,930
I think
he's had the more stressful day.
390
00:17:21,970 --> 00:17:24,809
And who made you
VAR of stressful days?
391
00:17:24,849 --> 00:17:28,690
PHONE RINGS
Spencer!
392
00:17:28,730 --> 00:17:31,410
Don't worry, love, she'll call.
393
00:17:32,529 --> 00:17:34,930
The "she" is Kate's daughter,
my cousin.
394
00:17:34,970 --> 00:17:37,130
She's in that family photo,
up on the, er...
395
00:17:37,170 --> 00:17:38,890
Oh, no, she's been cut out.
396
00:17:42,890 --> 00:17:45,009
Look, Koji, um...
397
00:17:46,650 --> 00:17:48,250
I'm really sorry about your brother.
398
00:17:48,289 --> 00:17:50,890
Thank you.
399
00:17:50,930 --> 00:17:52,890
Nobody must know I took his name.
400
00:17:52,930 --> 00:17:55,089
If the immigration people
find out...
401
00:17:55,130 --> 00:17:57,450
Don't worry.
I'm a well-known blabbermouth,
402
00:17:57,490 --> 00:17:59,809
but for this,
I will make an exception.
403
00:17:59,849 --> 00:18:01,730
Thank you.
404
00:18:01,769 --> 00:18:03,329
Kate didn't hear?
405
00:18:03,369 --> 00:18:05,009
No, no, no, you're good.
406
00:18:06,369 --> 00:18:07,849
Oh, found you.
407
00:18:09,089 --> 00:18:11,009
So your real name's Rockford?
Yes.
408
00:18:11,049 --> 00:18:15,250
Rockford Magnum Starsky Hutch...
409
00:18:15,289 --> 00:18:17,490
Abilola Akindele.
410
00:18:17,529 --> 00:18:19,410
Yes.
411
00:18:19,450 --> 00:18:21,210
Abilola.
412
00:18:21,250 --> 00:18:23,410
So your mum managed to get
one family name in, then?
413
00:18:23,450 --> 00:18:26,210
No, he was an African TV detective.
414
00:18:27,569 --> 00:18:29,730
Really? No, I got you.
Ah!
415
00:18:35,049 --> 00:18:36,730
SEAGULLS SQUAWK
416
00:18:36,769 --> 00:18:38,210
KHALEESI WHINES
417
00:18:38,250 --> 00:18:41,930
And according to this podcast,
94% of the universe is missing.
418
00:18:41,970 --> 00:18:44,529
It's just empty nothingness.
Can you imagine that?
419
00:18:44,569 --> 00:18:46,329
Yeah.
420
00:18:46,369 --> 00:18:48,049
Well, I live here.
421
00:18:49,210 --> 00:18:51,490
How was last night in the hostel?
Sleep all right?
422
00:18:51,529 --> 00:18:52,650
No.
423
00:18:52,690 --> 00:18:54,849
Some drunk children
kept trying to throw their shoes
424
00:18:54,890 --> 00:18:57,450
through the hole in our roof.
Oh, yeah, I remember doing that.
425
00:18:57,490 --> 00:18:59,849
Down at the old nurses' home.
426
00:18:59,890 --> 00:19:01,690
Oh. Do you have kids?
427
00:19:01,730 --> 00:19:04,049
No.
Married?
428
00:19:04,089 --> 00:19:05,809
I was, briefly.
429
00:19:05,849 --> 00:19:07,809
Then, one morning,
my wife woke up and told me
430
00:19:07,849 --> 00:19:09,609
I was a difficult man to live with,
431
00:19:09,650 --> 00:19:12,690
so I told her you shouldn't end
sentences with a preposition.
432
00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:19,609
Next morning, she was gone.
433
00:19:21,089 --> 00:19:22,569
Right.
434
00:19:22,609 --> 00:19:24,769
Did she leave a note?
Yes.
435
00:19:24,809 --> 00:19:28,210
With lots
of redundant exclamation marks.
436
00:19:28,250 --> 00:19:31,049
You sure it's all right, Kate?
Leaving Khaleesi outside?
437
00:19:31,089 --> 00:19:34,730
Yeah, absolutely, my darling.
No problem.
438
00:19:34,769 --> 00:19:37,410
Now, Nick, er...
What are you having?
439
00:19:37,450 --> 00:19:39,930
Bacon, sausage, egg, beans,
black pudding, hash browns.
440
00:19:39,970 --> 00:19:42,450
Hold the lettuce leaf. I thought
you'd know that by now, Kate.
441
00:19:42,490 --> 00:19:45,130
I do.
I just like to hear you say it.
442
00:19:46,289 --> 00:19:47,690
PING
443
00:19:47,730 --> 00:19:48,930
Oh.
444
00:19:48,970 --> 00:19:51,529
No, sorry, that's me.
Just getting a text.
445
00:19:51,569 --> 00:19:54,369
Ah. Can I borrow your phone?
446
00:19:54,410 --> 00:19:56,609
How do you withhold a number?
447
00:19:56,650 --> 00:19:58,930
Oh, I remember.
448
00:19:58,970 --> 00:20:01,650
Oh, you're not sending
another abusive message, are you?
449
00:20:01,690 --> 00:20:05,210
You do realise David Dickinson will
never get to read them, don't you?
450
00:20:05,250 --> 00:20:08,049
She didn't call Spencer yesterday.
451
00:20:08,089 --> 00:20:10,529
On his birthday!
452
00:20:10,569 --> 00:20:13,970
I mean, how can
a mother not speak to her child?
453
00:20:14,009 --> 00:20:16,250
Well, that's quite ironic.
Why?
454
00:20:16,289 --> 00:20:18,450
Well, because you're her mother,
and you don't...
455
00:20:18,490 --> 00:20:19,849
Nothing.
456
00:20:22,289 --> 00:20:24,089
OK, Koji, my love,
457
00:20:24,130 --> 00:20:26,289
your first patient'll be here
in a minute.
458
00:20:26,329 --> 00:20:28,809
So can I get you anything?
459
00:20:28,849 --> 00:20:30,769
Seconds of anything?
460
00:20:30,809 --> 00:20:33,609
Oh, come on, grumpy chops.
461
00:20:33,650 --> 00:20:36,210
Cheer up! It may never happen.
462
00:20:36,250 --> 00:20:38,130
Quite a lot of it
has already happened.
463
00:20:38,170 --> 00:20:40,329
Do you know your trouble?
464
00:20:40,369 --> 00:20:44,049
You always see the hole
and not the doughnut.
465
00:20:44,089 --> 00:20:45,130
Do you have doughnuts?
No.
466
00:20:45,170 --> 00:20:46,890
Then why are you talking
about doughnuts?
467
00:20:46,930 --> 00:20:49,690
Well, they're
theoretical doughnuts.
468
00:20:49,730 --> 00:20:51,345
Why waste my time
on doughnuts that don't exist?
469
00:20:51,369 --> 00:20:52,490
I'm being philosophical!
470
00:20:52,529 --> 00:20:54,690
Are these doughnuts
philosophical or theoretical?
471
00:20:54,730 --> 00:20:55,970
What difference does it make?
472
00:20:56,009 --> 00:20:57,690
Quite a lot of difference.
PHONE RINGS
473
00:20:59,490 --> 00:21:00,930
Spencer...
474
00:21:02,130 --> 00:21:04,289
Your mum texted you?
475
00:21:04,329 --> 00:21:06,730
"Happy birthday for yesterday"?
476
00:21:06,769 --> 00:21:08,289
Aww!
477
00:21:08,329 --> 00:21:10,450
Oh, she'd lost her phone.
478
00:21:10,490 --> 00:21:13,130
Oh, well, that explains it.
479
00:21:13,170 --> 00:21:15,690
OK, love. See you later.
480
00:21:18,490 --> 00:21:19,930
Classy fibbing, Auntie.
481
00:21:19,970 --> 00:21:22,930
It's not lying if it's done by text.
482
00:21:24,250 --> 00:21:26,690
SCOOTER MAN: Hey! Old bat!
483
00:21:26,730 --> 00:21:28,170
KHALEESI SNARLS
Argh!
484
00:21:28,210 --> 00:21:30,609
CRASHING
485
00:21:30,650 --> 00:21:32,529
BARKING AND SHOUTING
486
00:21:32,569 --> 00:21:33,890
Get that dog off me!
487
00:21:36,890 --> 00:21:39,450
Oh, dear (!)
Who could have foreseen that (?)
488
00:21:44,089 --> 00:21:46,849
They're demanding significant
financial compensation.
489
00:21:46,890 --> 00:21:49,930
That is an outright lie.
This would be a huge risk for me.
490
00:21:49,970 --> 00:21:51,769
Councillor Bone!
491
00:21:51,809 --> 00:21:55,730
Is it safe
for you to be out in sunlight (?)
35574
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