All language subtitles for Dave s01e09_English

(birds chirping)

Hi.

(Dave humming)

(instrumental music playing
over computer)

Dave, we don't have time.

(Dave vocalizing)

(auto-tuned): * Slow down,
come be with me... *

Okay, I've got everything
you need right here.

(hums)

* You're the best... *

Dave, how much longer
are you gonna be doing this?

* So long, I can't stop... *

-Dave.
-Do it with me.

I'm leaving.

* Have it your way *

* I know I'm late *

-* But it's okay... *
-No.

(auto-tuned): * We don't have
time to wait... * Oh.

* We're gonna have
the best time... *

-Dave, you have to change.
-(grunts)

* Do you remember
when you got all mad *

* 'Cause I threw out
that flyer? *

That was not a flyer.
I told you.

-* Yes, it was *
-(laughs)

* No, it was a save the date *

* It's the same thing,
it's gonna end up *

* On a fridge either way... *

-Fine.
-* This weekend *

* You're gonna dance with me *

* Yes, of course, I love you *

* But we really got
to go right now *

* Fine, it was fun
while it lasted. *

Mm-hmm.
(chuckles)

I got to export this.

That was high art. Oh, my God.

-Great work.
-(chuckles): Yeah.

Okay. We got to go.

-Can I use this on my album
as an interlude?
-Dave.

-* Hi, I'm Dave *
-* I'm Lil Dicky *

-* Hi, I'm Dave *
-* Who's Dave? *

* Hi, I'm Dave. *

ALLY:
"If there was one word

I would use to describe
my big sister,

-it would be 'hilarious.'"
-Hmm.

"When I wanted to invite Anthony
Turner to my eighth grade dance,

Julie was all,
'But, Ally, how will he dance?'"

-(whispers): Why?
-Because Anthony Turner
had actually--

He broke both
of his legs in, like,

a really bad skiing accident.

But I-I guess people don't--
Should I say that

-at the beginning
or at the end of the joke?
-Wait a minute.

I'm very-- Like, I thought you
were giving the speech, and now,

like, you're talking
t-- I'm like, just--

I don't know
when the fourth wall broke,

when you started talking to me,
it's all very...

I'm asking if you think
it's, if that's...

-Oh.
-Well, that's like--
people are gonna laugh.

You know, I don't know,
I wouldn't make fun of a kid

for being crippled or whatever
you just spoke about.

I don't know
how I'm expected to give, like,

an even okay
maid of honor speech,

when I have no idea
why I'm the maid of honor.

Like, we-we're not even friends.

Use that. Start with that--
that's raw.

There's, like, emotion there.
There's, like, earnestness.

There's a real, you know, zeal.

No matter what I do,
my family's gonna judge it.

-Hmm.
-You know both of my parents
are Libras? Both of them.

Uh, I never understand why
people say "don't judge me."

That-- I mean,
we human beings judge.

That's, like,
our total predisposition.

That's how we select.

-Or-or not "select," but...
-(phone vibrating)

Oh. Mike.

-Hey, man.
-Hi, Mike.

MIKE (over phone):
Yes, hi, Ally. Whatever.

Dave, heads up.

Uh, Jim Moreno
from Random Gem called, and, uh,

he says they're gonna have a
deal memo by the end of the day.

All right. Um, and that--
What does that mean?

Like, you know, for real.

Dude, it is a precontract,
right?

It's establishing
a relationship with you

as an artist without, you know,

getting fully into a contract.

I love it when you talk dirty.

It's the best thing that's come
across our desk so far.

-Oh, my gosh! Oh! (gasps)
-(thumping)

What the f-- Uh...

Hello?

Whatever.

ALLY:
Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, Dave.
It's a little bunny.

DAVE:
Man down.

-Oh, my God.
-(chittering)

Fuck! He's still alive.

His little foot is twitching.

Very sad.

Dave.

-What?
-We can't leave him.

He's, u-uh, suffering.

We got to, like,
call a vet or something, right?

Do you think there's, like,
a vet nearby, or...?

I don't know where vets are.
And, no.

Like, vets don't apply
to vermin. This thing's wild.

This is a free-range rabbit.
I mean...

-Oh, my God.
-I don't think
you can call a vet

when you don't have ownership of
the cr-- you know, the creature.

He's in pain, Dave.

He looks like he's--
Yeah, it looks...

I think he's fucking dying.

-Okay, well, we have to kill it.
-What?

-It-It's suffering. It's, like,
slowly dying. What are you--
-You want me to...?

-We got to put him out of
his misery. That's like...
-You want me to kill it?

Like, uh, what do you want me
to do? Stomp its head?

Smother-- Like,
I'm not gonna kill this thing.

You-you got to get back in
the car and then run him over.

Again? You want me to run it
over twice? I'm not Suge Knight.

-Run him over, but directly.
-How is that better for him?

Direct? Uh, he's fucking--
I nailed him. I mean...

-No, you didn't!
Or else he'd be dead!
-I did.

Put yourself in his shoes.
You want to be lying

in the middle of the road,
bleeding, dying?

This thing isn't wearing shoes,
Al! This is vermin.

Dave! It's a living thing
and it's suffering.

You have to kill it.

(rabbit chittering)

You have to cut
more this-this way.

-Left?
-You have to go on my right.

-Dave, you have to go more
right. You're not gonna...
-All right,

I'm not a precision
fucking driver. Stop yelling.

Dave, you just have to hit
the fucking bunny.

-Uh...
-No.

-(shouts) Dave!
-(rabbit squealing)

You just got its ears! My God!

It's screaming.

Dave, just... do it again.

Move out of the way.

(rabbit squealing)

(screaming)

-(singing gibberish)
-* Suck it in, if you're
Rin Tin Tin or Anne Boleyn *

* Make a desperate move,
or else you'll win *

* And then begin to see
what you're doing to me *

* This MTV is not for free,
it's so PC, it's killing me *

* So desperately I sing
to thee of love, sure... *

This is a great Airbnb. Wow.

Here comes my stress headache.

Why? It's gonna be fine.

I'm gonna blow them away
like I always do.

Yeah. Nothing blows
parents away like,

"Here's my boyfriend.
He's an aspiring rapper."

There they are.

Please, look at this man.
Your dad wants to fuck me.

-The weary travelers.
-DAVE: Hey!
-ALLY: Hi, Dad.

-Well, you guys
made some great time.
-DEBBIE: H-Hey!

-Ah.
-Yeah. Waze is very accurate.
-Yeah. Yeah.

-TERRY/DAVE: Hey.
-Oh, Allison,
you're getting skinny again.

-TERRY: Let me take that.
All right.
-Oh...

-You hungry?
-No, not really. I...
-I'm starving.

-Oh, well, come on in.
We'll get you something.
-Yeah. Hey.

-Yeah, we have food.
You bet. Come on.
-Thank you. Thanks.

-DEBBIE: How was your drive?
-DAVE: Easy.

-A little bit
of an obstacle, but...
-What's up, man?

-You here to help me out,
muscle man? Aw...
-ALLY: Jules!

-Hi.
-ALLY: Oh, my God!

-You look so pretty.
-Hi.

Hi. Oh. Okay.
Um, I just lotioned my hands.

I don't want to get it
on your little romper.

Oh. Uh, that's why
you smell so nice. (chuckles)

Oh, no, this is unscented.
That's just my natural smell.

Oh...

-Okay. Let's go. Come on.
-Do you have any Advil?

Jules, you know just as well
as I do, that's such a straw man

argument. The guy got four
consecutive life sentences.

-What are you talking about?
-I completely disagree with you.

-You know it's far more
nuanced than that.
-It's not.

Yes, it is. It is.

Let me ask you lawyers this
while I have you here.

Why do they even give people
multiple life sentences?

Is the government
really implying

that reincarnation
is a possibility?

That can't be right, because
then it's a total s-separation

of church and state violation
by the government.

N-Nobody's saying that,
and it's far more complicated.

-More complicated?
-More complicated.

-Than reincarnation?
-More complicated.

-Hey, how's school going, Al?
-Really great.

Uh, the kids just put on
a play about global warming

-that went really well.
-Mm-hmm.

It was great. I was there.

And it was a really big
project for me.

Mm, I'm surprised
they let you delve

into such political topics.

I mean, it's not
a-a political issue.

It's, like, a... human issue.

You ca-- It has pulp.
You can't...

-What?
-Do you think you can
shake the pulp out of it?

Isn't that-- The shake--
No? You can't?

-I thought it disintegrates
if you shake it.
-No.

-No.
-No.
-TERRY: So, Dave,

last time you were here,
you were an ad man.

-Ugh, the dog days.
Am I right, Terry?
-(chuckles): That's right.

DEBBIE:
Oh, David, please tell me.

How's this whole
"rap" thing going? Huh?

You know what?
No need for quotes anymore.

It's actually
completely legitimate

and borderline
unbelievably successful.

-NICK: No way.
-Yeah, no. It's, uh,
it's kind of absurd.

Like, every single one
of my songs

has millions and millions
of streams across platforms.

-Really?
-Yeah. So many different labels
are courting me left and right,

-trying to throw
so much money at me.
-Huh.

I was just in the studio
last week with Justin Bieber.

-What?
-TERRY: Wow.
-What?

-Justin Bieber? Wow.
-Justin Bieber, yeah.

-Oh, my goodness.
-It's not a huge deal,
but it's certainly something

-that we should talk about.
-I'm so proud of you.

You know what a good metaphor
is? I feel like, you know how

when a snake sheds its skin

and gets that fresh layer
of epidermis?

That's where I'm at.

I'm in that transitional phase.

And I'm shedding
my skin and, like,

this new layer of skin
has so much sheen.

-TERRY: Sheen.
Like, yeah, shiny.
-Just gloss.

-Oh, that's beautiful.
-JULIE: Well, Dave,

you certainly have confidence.

Oh, I know. If only he could
share some with Ally.

-JULIE: I know.
-What does that mean?

I just meant you have
so much potential.

I wish sometimes you would...

use it on some kids who might
remember you, that's all.

I remember
my kindergarten teacher.

And I love my job.

I teach the future. Which...

-Oh, yeah.
-...is a big deal, I--
in some people's minds.

I don't remember
my kindergarten teacher, but,

-uh, I do like my job, though.
-TERRY: So, Dave,

are you diversifying
your revenue streams?

Like, uh, like, that rapper--
the one that's, uh,

part owner of the Nets. Um...

-Jay-Z.
-Jay-Z.

-Like Jay-Z?
-DEBBIE: Ooh. He's the one

that's married to Beyoncé.
I love her.

-She's so beautiful.
-DAVE: You know, I'm working

-on a few different things.
-TERRY: Mm.

-DAVE: I-I...
-I need water. Excuse me.

I'm actually,
I'm-I'm trying to get in,

like, the condiment space.

-You know, different sauces.
-TERRY: Mm-hmm.

-DAVE: Food goes in and out
of style. Sauce...
-He's so fun.

He is fun.

Hey, um, I wanted
to talk to you.

Don't worry about giving Chloe
any money for my bachelorette,

because honestly, you didn't
even get a chance to go.

Oh, no, but I'm-I'm--
of course I'm still gonna help

pay for it.

No, I know, I know.
It's just...

like, it-it wasn't cheap,

so I don't want you
to get stressed out, or...

No, but as a gift, I should...

How about you get us something
off the registry?

Something small.

-Something small? Perfect.
-Okay. Great. Perfect.

Oh, that's the one where
George Clooney's the fox, right?

No-no-no.
Breaking Bad is a TV show.

It's, like, about meth.

-You're thinking of
Fantastic Mr. Fox...
-Yeah, that's right.

David, you're not
gonna try my carrots?

I got them
at the farmers market.

No, that is a nonstarter
for Dave.

He doesn't eat fruits
or vegetables.

But I'll say this.

I feel like you guys
are embracing me right now,

-and I'm willing to try
my first carrot.
-NICK: Do it, man.

I'll try the typical
orange Bugs Bunny one.

-Why does it look like a witch?
-TERRY: Mmm.

-It does.
-Do-do I take the tail off,
or you eat the tail?

-Yeah, eat the whole thing.
-JULIE/NICK: Yeah.

-Okay.
-TERRY: A little more.

-(gags, coughs)
-TERRY: Yeah.

It's good, right? Yeah?

-TERRY: Mmm...
-He did it.

-Can I spit it out or no?
-ALLY: No, Dave.

(chuckling): Your mother
never made you eat vegetables?

She said it wasn't worth
ruining her own life.

-(Debbie chuckles)
-Makes sense.

And then she said, "You can
just get something small

off of the registry."

Like, do you not remember
the $90 olive oil decanter

that we got for your engagement?

Do you, do you not
decant your olive oil

every night, Julie?

Are you listening?

I'm almost done
with my 15 minutes of daily

fan interaction.

There are so many comments
lately about me being "hot."

-(chuckles)
-Hey,

when did I make the transition
from cute to hot?

Is there a moment
you can point to?

Are you gonna be like this
all weekend, or...?

My bad, they've been working me
late at the Hot Guy Factory;

I can't even remember
how to think.

What's going on? Julie's being

-mean to you, or something?
-(chuckles) Yeah.

I'm sorry that's happening, but
it-it is her wedding weekend.

You kind of have to let it go.

I'm let-- I'm letting it go.
I'm telling you about it.

Enough is enough!
You need to shut your yap!

(laughs) What?

-(grunts)
-Hmm.

Do you want to work
on your speech?

-I should, but I don't want to.
-Okay.

-Let me just
inspect you for a second.
-(laughs): No.

-I don't want an inspection.
-Ooh.

Can we finish season two of
Handmaid's Tale?

I feel like I've had enough
woman-on-woman abuse

for one day.

-Oh, I see.
-Sorry. (laughs)

-I know what you want.
-(laughing): Oh, yeah,
what do I want?

-You want me to get
in the nooks and the crevices.
-(laughing)

-I hate when you say "crevices."
-You want me to inspect--
You want me to get in the nooks?

(laughing):
I don't like "nooks," either.

I'm picking up
what you're putting down.

And just so you know, I'm ready.

Start it off.
Get the ball rolling, I'm ready.

-Do something to me.
-(laughs)

I-I'm sensing all the cues,
I'm picking it up. Fuck me.

My parents are in the next room.

-(whispers): Just fuck me.
-Just-- My parents
are in the next room.

You can fuck me quick.
Really?

If so, you're parents
aren't listening, A;

B, we can do it very quietly.

I require very little friction.

Yeah, that doesn't sound
like fun to me.

You know I can ejaculate
hands-free?

-I did not know that.
-You know what that means?

-Nope.
-That-that means that I can
literally lie down...

think...

push my innards out...

and in the right circumstance,
I will cream.

Well... sounds like
you don't need me then,

for your, uh, Bluetooth orgasm.

-It's not
the preferred method, but...
-(sighs)

I guess I'll take
what I'm given.

I'm not gonna do it right now.

Okay. I wasn't worried.

-I'm gonna let the cream brew.
-Mm-kay.

MIKE:
This is a really
good deal, Dave.

-I think we should take it.
-I don't know, man.

200 grand for my whole catalog
and my first album?

Yes, Dave, that's how
deals work, okay?

And just to be clear, dude,

they're offering you $200,000

for two songs about your penis
and your first album, okay?

I can't believe
we're having a conversation

-about this right now.
-All right, I need you
to turn over a few more stones.

Get it to the ideal place, okay?

Okay, bud.

I'll keep turning over stones.
(clears throat) You got it.

Turn it over.
Good morning, my little cherub.

Are you ready to hike?

Um... I--
This is a required activity?

-Dave...
-I'm just joking.

My whole family is going.
This is a whole thing.

Well, then, I'd better
saddle on up,

'cause I got a hike to hike.

Okay, thank you.

Is this the type of thing
where I could potentially

hop on a horse?

Or maybe even, like, ride a yak?

(indistinct chatter nearby)

-Jesus Christ.
-What is wrong now?

There's terrible footing
out here, and I lost my step.

This hike is so robust,

and I'm, like, very close
to being out of water, so...

Okay, Dave, it's a hike.
So you can get a grip.

Fuck hikes.
I'm saying it right now.

Uh, fuck hikes. That's actually
an interesting song title.

"Fuck Hikes."

-* Fuck hikes, fuck hikes *
-(giggles)

* They really hurt my back *

* Wait, fuck hikes,
huh, fuck hikes *

* I'd rather ride a yak. *

You know, you know it sounds
like you're saying,

"Fuck Jews," right?
But, like, worse?

How am I saying "fuck Jews"?
Fuck hikes.

"Fuck kikes"?

Oh, my God. Controversy sells,
so, you know...

-Dave...
-I got to write this down.

-No, come on.
-Got to write-- I got
to write it down.

What are you talking about?
I got to write this down.

I get one good idea
every three months.

Okay, if you're
feeling creative,

can we talk about my speech?

So now you want to brainstorm
on the hike, huh?

Of course, let's... where you
at with it? Let's talk about it.

-I got nothing.
-Really? No progress
been made, okay.

Think back to your childhood.
What did you guys do?

Where did you go as a group?

I don't know. I mean,
my parents would bring us to,

-like, circuses
and random shows and stuff.
-What?

Oh, wait-wait-wait.
(gasps)

-Oh, I do have something.
Oh, I do, I do.
-We do.

Oh, Dave, we did it,
I'm so happy!

-And I could, like,
tie it in as a cool...
-Oh... I'm sorry.

-Huh... just-- oh...
-What is wrong?

Shh. I have to poop.

Please don't say another word
for a second.

-You have to poop?
-Yes. Please stop talking to me
for one second.

Okay, can we walk it off?

I don't believe so, no.
This is not a drill at all.

Please turn away or something.
I need to figure this out.

You have to hold it in.

You can't, like, erase the past.

If you can make
your innards come,

you can make 'em stay.
Let's go.

I'm not
a fucking scientist, man.

-What?
-There's honestly no time.

What do I-- Can I shit right
here? Can I do it right here?

-No, you can't shit right here,
Dave.
-Why? Why?

Grow up, and let's go!

-It's the fucking carrots!
-Dave, you had one bite
of a carrot.

You're not fucking exploding!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.
Look away! Look away! Look away!

-(exclaims)
-ALLY: No, no!

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

(groaning)
Oh, my God.

-(groaning)
-No! No, no, no!

(groaning)

Okay. Oh.

(exhales)
I reinvented diarrhea.

DAVE:
Mmm...

Thank you.

You know, I had an interesting
thought for your speech.

-Really?
-What if you, like, twisted...

Excuse me. I'm such
a huge fan of yours.

-DAVE: Oh.
-Your music always puts a smile
on my face.

Any way we can flick up?

Sure, yeah.

Awesome. Thanks, man.

Let's flick up.

Can you take it for us?

Yeah.

Thanks, puddin'.

WAITER:
Horizontal, please.

The man has preferences.

Thanks so much.

Hey, uh, y-you smoke?

I'd love to burn you down,
brother.

Oh! Yeah,
I like the way you think.

Any interest in smoking

-after this?
-No. No.

-Oh. Not tonight.
-It's all good.

Really, really appreciate
everything you do, man.

I appreciate the way you guys
make Shirley Temples here.

Great ratio.

I'm sorry.
I am getting mobbed tonight.

-What was the speech idea?
-Uh...

-You said, the beginning
of the speech, I should...
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know.

Let me get back to it.
Oh, I have the worst memory.

I forgot it.

I'll get it back.
Hold on, let me...

(phone chimes)

What was it?

It was about the...

Hold on.

Hang on.
This is Mike about the thing.

I got to...

Geez, Louise.

(sighs)

This entire thing is...

(indistinct chatter)

Hey. Where you going?

I'm going to bed. I'm tired.

-What's wrong?
-Nothing.

-Let me inspect you. What do...
-I-- It's...

Like, is it something I did?
Tell me.

I mean...
(chuckles softly)

You haven't been here
all weekend, Dave.

You're, like, thinking
about other stuff.

-It's like...
-Thinking about other stuff?

Yeah. You're thinking
about this record label

or songs about hikes,
and I-I'm--

I-- It's tiring. I'm tired.

-Well, how can I not...
-And I-I...

I don't want
to take pictures of you, okay?

I-I want to be in pictures
with you.

Okay, let's go up there,
kick that guy's ass,

and flick up together.
I'll take any...

No, I'm not joking.
I'm not, like,

-making a joke, Dave.
-Okay.

I'm being serious.

-All right. I'm sorry.
-You're not present.

Okay?

And I'm not just talking
about here.

Like, you're never present,

and I need you
to be present with me.

-Really, I'm never present?
-You're...

Our whole rela--
I'm just never present?

That seems like
a big blanket statement.

I know that I have
so much going on right now,

but, like, I have to be
thinking about this stuff and

be thinking ahead at all
times with the music...

Right, okay, do you ever
think ahead about us?

About me and you?

-Yeah.
-Yeah, yeah, of course.
What do you mean?

What do you mean,
what do I mean? Like, you...

Are you asking--
like, what do you--

like, what, do you want
to marry me or something?

Like, what are we doing?
Is this...?

No, I'm not asking you
to marry me, Dave.

I'm not, like, on one knee
right now. I'm...

Okay, so, like, please...
give me clarity.

I don't know what you mean--
like, speak to me with clarity.

I want to be in a relationship
where I'm not always put second.

You're not always put second.

-I'm...
-Look-look right now, look where
we are!

You realize that I have,
like, the biggest decision

to make of my whole career
this weekend.

-I know.
-Has to be made this weekend.
I'm here with you

and your family, didn't
even consider staying back.

Mike's like, "Why the fuck
are you not there?"

-I'm not saying...
-What-what do you want me to do?

De-prioritize my dreams?

-That's not what I'm asking.
-Just so you don't feel bad
every now and then?

-Like, that'd be kind of crazy.
-It's not crazy.

It is not crazy to want

your boyfriend to be
emotionally present with you.

And I know that you are, like...

an undeniable superstar,
or whatever, but it's

kind of turning you
into a shitty boyfriend.

Okay, well, listen
to how you're saying that,

'cause you're a shitty-- yeah,

you're a shitty girlfriend
for using my own

self-belief against me

in an argument.

You have no idea what it's like

to be dating a narcissist.

It is so draining.

It's not narcissism
when it's real, okay?

-Like, no...
-It's...

-Do you hear yourself?!
-I do!

I know it's, I know it's not,
but you don't realize,

like, how high
the stakes are for me, okay?

Thank God I believe in myself
the way that I do,

-or I'd never get anything done!
-Do you...?

-What?
-Because you treat it like it's
your whole life!

There, like, has to be something
else in life besides this one,

-like, fucking
single-minded goal!
-Something else in life?!

Something more than, like,
actualizing my sense of self

-and feeling like I'm maximizing
my potential?!
-Oh, my God, Dave.

-You don't...
-You're asking me
to sacrifice that?!

That's fucking absurd!

-All I do is...
-Dave, you don't get it!

No, you don't get it, and I,
and I can't keep apologizing

for my ambition
just 'cause you don't have any.

(short laugh)

(exhales)

(sighs)

Listen, just...

(sighs)

Okay, everyone look at me,
and squish together.

One, two... smile.

-Perfect.
-All right.

-Good, we done?
-Yeah.

-(exhales)
-What are you, uh, doing next?

(indistinct chatter)

*

(phone buzzing)

Yo. Give me a sec.

(indistinct chatter)

I'm really not ready to make
this decision right now, dude.

Dave, their responses
are getting not good, okay?

A-And they're gonna pull the
deal, which I got up to 250,

by the way, all right?

Dude, this is
the best possible scenario

that we're gonna see--
you need to move on it.

There are so many
horror stories of people

that sign to labels and,
like, lose creative control.

-You know that's true.
-Yeah.

I do know that
and we've talked about this

with them, remember?

Th-They're not gonna
step on your toes.

Dave, they like your song
"My Dick Sucks."

Like, come on, man, they know
who they're signing, dude.

If you want this
to be your career,

you got to start
making money doing it.

That's the only way to succeed.

You're, you're waiting for,
like, a perfect moment.

This is it, dude.

Like, this is it right now.

I need more time.

I-If you don't sign the deal,

they're gonna pull it,
all right?

And then we have to start this
whole fucking thing over again.

These people get you.

You like them, dude.

Sign the deal!

-Sign the deal, Dave.
-(glass clinking)

-It's that easy.
-I got to go, I got to go.

I got to go right now,
I got to go, bye.

So, I'm Ally,

Julie's sister.

And as sisters,
Julie and I competed

for everything.

The slice of pizza with
the most pepperoni on it,

our Harry Potter books,

our parents' attention,
of course.

-(laughter)
-And when Julie and I

competed, she always won.

Because Julie is one of the most
ambitious people I know.

When she wants something,
she works for it tirelessly

until inevitably she gets it.

It's, uh, a personality trait

I can't seem to get away from.

Uh, I want to tell

a quick story.

When we were little, our parents
brought us to a magic show.

And the magician needed
a volunteer, so, of course,

he picked Julie.

And she went onstage.

The magician counted
to three and poof!

Julie was gone.

And in her place was
this cute little bunny.

And everyone clapped
and it was great.

Then Julie came back,

and I played it cool
for maybe ten seconds

before I had to know
where did she go?

What's the secret?

Just tell me.

But all she would say was,

"Ally, I got turned
into a bunny."

(laughter)

-Do you remember this?
-Yeah.

Of course she does.

Because to this day,
all she'll say about it is,

"I got turned into a bunny."

Which has always
made me really angry.

Because, honestly,
I want to know.

I still want to know.
(chuckles)

But then this weekend...

I realized something
about magic.

And honesty.

And love.

The magic behind... magic,

uh, isn't the illusion.

It's that someone cared enough

to create the illusion for you.

The real magic is all

of the work that goes
into making somebody believe

that magic is real.

So... what I thought for years

was you messing with me...

was really just your way
of preserving the magic

for me.

And, Nick, she will do
the same for you.

Because you mean
the world to her.

And if there is
anything on this earth

that she could do
to make you happy,

she will work for it tirelessly

until she inevitably gets it

for you.

And that's what makes her
so special...

...is that she uses her ambition

to work just as hard
in her relationship

as she does at her career.

And I didn't realize
until this weekend

how much that mattered.

But it's... everything.

(voice breaking):
Love...

Sorry. (chuckles)

Love is just like magic.

Two people build
a world for themselves

and preserve it at all costs

together.

And I am so excited
to see the magic

that you two create
for each other.

(chuckles)

To Julie and Nick.

ALL:
To Julie and Nick.

(applause)

DAVE:
* So long, I can't stop *

-ALLY: Dave.
-* Do this with me *

-I'm leaving.
-* Have it your way *

* I know I'm late *

* But it's okay *

ALLY:
* No, we don't have
time to wait * Oh.

DAVE:
* We're gonna have
the best time *

ALLY:
Dave, you have to change.

DAVE:
* Do you remember
when you got all mad *

* 'Cause I threw out
that flyer? *

ALLY:
That was not a flyer.

I told you.

DAVE:
* Yes, it was *

-ALLY:
* No, it was a save the date *
-(harmonizing)

DAVE:
* It's the same thing,
it's gonna end up *

* On a fridge either way *

-ALLY: Fine.
-* This weekend *

* You're gonna dance with me *

ALLY:
* Yes, of course, I love you *

* But we really got
to go right now *

DAVE: * All right, well, this
was fun while it lasted. *

ALLY:
Mm-hmm. (chuckles)

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH

(gasps) Another.

-(throaty hiss)
-Ooh, ooh, ooh.

-Text me.
-Nope.

(whistling)

GUILLERMO:
The journey was perilous,

but Nandor the Relentless
stood tall and proud.

Thus, the noble vampire set sail
to conquer the new world

for the greater glory
of the undead.

-Does my hair
really look that billowy?
-(wind blows)

Looks fantastic.

I'd never wear anything
like that.

(retching)

(gagging, coughing)

(squeaks)

Oh, damn!

(classical music playing)

Pulling hair is wrong, mate.

I mean, all violence is wrong,
but at least punching's a sport.

-Is it?
-Yes, boxing.

Boxing's in the Olympics.
Hair pulling isn't.

-It would be funny if it was.
-It really would be.

(laughter)

How did you come to write
The Feminine Mystique?

I thought there was
something wrong with me

because I didn't have
an orgasm waxing
the kitchen floor.

-(laughing)
-(audience claps)

What is Devs?

What is Devs?

What is Devs?

(screams)