All language subtitles for family.guy.s18e16.720p.web.x264-xlf[eztv]-eng

� It seems today
that all you see �

� Is violence in movies
and sex on TV �

� But where are those
good old-fashioned values �

� On which we used to rely? �

� Lucky there's a family guy �

� Lucky there's a man
who positively can do �

� All the things that make us �

� Laugh and cry �

� He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! �

(slurps)

Ah. Nothing like
drive time radio

to remind me
that I don't make enough

to afford satellite radio.

DEVIN: Hey-hey!
You're listening to WQHG 97.1,

and we are Devin and Lawrence,

formerly known
as Weenie and The Butt.

LAWRENCE:
That's right, Devin.

Those nicknames no longer fly
ever since several women

came forward with allegations
of sexual misconduct

against each of us.

HIGH VOICE:
De-De-De-Devin and Lawrence!

SINGERS: � Sexual misconduct �

� 97.1 FM. �

DEEP VOICE: Rebranded to
phase out Weenie and the Butt!

SINGERS: � WQHG 97.1. �

HIGH VOICE: They got Me-Too'd,
Me-Too'd, Me-Too'd!

SINGERS: � But there were still
six months on their contract �

-� Overlooking that for now. �
-DEEP VOICE: FM!

HIGH VOICE: Devin, Devin,
Devin and Lawrence!

DEEP VOICE:
Court-ordered overcorrection!

(rattling)

Damn it,
what's wrong with the AC?

DEVIN: And don't forget,
Quahog is expected

to experience record-high
temperatures this week,

according to our
respected meteorologist

- Dr. Jessica Sturgess.
- (honking, tires squealing)

Formerly known as Weather Girl
Aah-Ooh-Gah Knockerson.

(siren wailing)

Sir, could you please
roll down your window?

I can't. I spilled honey on it
and it won't move.

Please just
step out of the vehicle.

(clack)

(straining)

Sir, you were swerving
back there.

Plus, you're drowning in sweat.
Have you been drinking?

No. I don't start drinking
till... until the drive home.

Why are you slurring your words?

Sorry, I had Cap'n Crunch
for breakfast.

The roof of my mouth
is in shreds.

(chuckles)
I find that story relatable.

You're free to go.

Man, I can't believe
that cop thought I was lying.

The only time I lie is
when I play poker.

ANNOUNCER:
It's make-or-break time.

$75 million at stake.

Betting starts
with Peter Griffin.

Ooh, he's not looking

at much of anything right now.
And those mirrored sunglasses,

not doing him any favors.

All in.

(phone ringing)

Got to take this.
It's my wife.

(whispers):
Are you here?

Okay, you two
just hang out in the store

while I return this keyboard.

I'm going to watch
the older boys play Fortnite,

because I'm not old enough
to play Fortnite myself.

Hi. I'd like to return
this keyboard.

Was there
something wrong with it?

Well, it said it was designed
for writers,

but when I sat down to work, it
just wasn't flowing through me.

- Do you have a receipt?
- Uh, no.

-(yelling, grunting)
-Uh, no.
Can't you just look it up?

Do you have the credit card
you used to pay for it?

I actually paid using
store credit for another return.

Do you have the original
packaging for the item?

(chuckles):
No. No, that's...

that's probably
with the receipt.

(sighs heavily)

(over speakers): Manager who's
dishearteningly younger than me

to the service counter, please.

This better not be
another overring.

Corpowate's gonna have my ass.

Well, we can probably throw out
this sunflower butter

now that Stewie's classmate
with the peanut allergy died.

Oh, there you are, Peter.
Listen, I need you to...

Why are you so sweaty?

The AC in my car broke.

Not from the honey.

And fat-guy sweat
is like a battleship.

Once it gets going,
you can't just turn it around.

So until the weather cools off,

you're gonna be dealing
with a slippery walrus.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I see a potential rival

to my beach supremacy.

(bellowing, grunting)

Now?

No, let them
tire themselves out.

(indistinct radio chatter)

Dad, what are we doing here?

Now that I sweat all the time,

it's just natural that I be
a very sweaty bomb defuser.

(beeping)

Steady. You can do this.

All you gotta do is remember the
song you learned in bomb school.

� Green is good
and green is good �

� And red is good
and yellow is good �

� And clip whatever you want. �

Now, who can tell me
what he did wrong?

He made up a song
about cutting wires?

He made up
a song about cutting wires.

Don't do that, guys.

TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Indiana Jones

and the Temple Beth Shalom.

You must be Mr. Jones.

It's Dr. Jones.

(gasps)
Oh, a doctor.

You should meet
my frumpy daughter.

Wow. What are you
all dressed up for?

Well, thanks
to my car's AC breaking,

I've been asked to be
an overly sweaty Southern lawyer

during a landmark
civil rights case.

Mr. Griffin, you may proceed.

(Southern accent):
May it please the court,
Your Honor,

opposing counsel,
members of the jury,

Madam Stenographer,
Bailiff Clarence,

Snack Cart Steve,

elderly widows with paper fans,

woman in the third row
with a flower hat,

Deputy Fife, Boo Radley,

Yay Radley,
Herman Munster judge,

lazy dog who wandered in
due to the heat,

crazed Al Pacino,
old Robert Duvall,

young Robert Duvall,
in-between Robert Duvall,

the books of John Grisham.

The defense rests.

TV ANNOUNCER:
We now return
to Jesse Eisenberg

and Emma Stone
in Opposite Eye Sizes.

Sorry, guys.
All I have left

are one pair
of extra-large contact lenses

and one pair of extra-small.

BOTH:
Uh, we'll be fine.

Well, I just got off the phone
with the electronics store.

Your stupid fight caused
$3,000 worth of damage.

Well, I'm not very good at math.
Y-You lost me.

- A thousand dollars.
- Wow!

- Another thousand dollars.
- (laughs): Oh, my goodness!

A third thousand dollars.

Now you lost me again.

I don't think Chris
can count to three.

How are we gonna pay 'em back?

Whoa, what do you mean, "we"?

Yeah, do you expect
all nine of us to chip in?

Come on,
we got to think of some way

to raise that money in a hurry.

Good afternoon, Quahog.
I'm Tom Tucker.

Our top story: actor, director
and odd-nostriled punch line

Zach Braff has successfully
Kickstarted another movie.

The shameless film star

who made a movie
college kids used to like

is again asking people
who have less to give him more.

That's it!
We'll set up a Kickstarter

for the three grand we need.

But, Brian, people don't just
donate money on Kickstarter.

It has to go
toward some sort of project.

Okay, then we'll say
we're making a movie.

And who will we get to direct?

We'll raise the money we need,
pay back the store,

and then e-mail the backers,
saying we ran into trouble

and couldn't finish the project.

Great idea, Brian.
Much better than that version

of Free Solo narrated
by a concerned Midwestern mom.

MIDWESTERN MOM:
Oh, that's too high, Alex.

That's too high.
Oh, I can't watch.

Now, now, why wouldn't
you just have

a nice lunch at Applebee's?

- (bird screeches)
- I like that bird, though.

Griffin, why is this floor wet?

Oh, sorry, that's from me.

I-I got a little
perspiration problem.

Hey, what time is
our meeting, Oscar?

It's... Aah!

Sorry. What time
is our meeting, Aah-scar?

Damn it, Griffin, you've become
a liability in this office.

- Why? 'Cause I'm drunk
and have a gun?
- No.

- 'Cause of the cocaine?
- No.

'Cause I use office petty cash

to have sex
with high-end escorts?

No. But your perspiration
has become a serious problem.

I'm afraid you're going
to have to work from home

- until you get it under control.
- All right, if you insist.

Hey, Candy,
sorry I couldn't finish

'cause I'm so freakin' gacked
on ski powder.

I thought the gun
would get me there.

Anyway, here's the office cash.

Careful of the wet floor.
You're pregnant.

So, Dad, are you excited
for your first day

- of working from home?
- Yes, but I'm very late.

Busy dad morning goodbyes.

� �

(cheering)

� �

(music stops abruptly)

Forgot my phone.

� �

(cheering)

(phone rings)

(whispers):
Are you here?

So, Mom, you're okay
with Dad working in the house

- all the time?
- Oh, yeah,

it's nice having a coworker.

'Cause being a housewife
is a full-time job.

For some pretty tough bosses!

(chuckling)

(Chris clearing throat loudly)

Hi. So, is this your break time?

- No, sir.
- Oh, okay.

I was wondering
if my watch was off, maybe.

- It's not.
- You see, Mom,

we try to stay focused
on the task at hand

here at Griffin, Griffin,
Griffin, Griffin and Griffin.

- (phone rings)
- Good morning.

Griffin, Griffin,
Griffin and Griffin.

Huh. I thought our letterhead
had five Griffins on it, Meg.

But you were right
to leave one of them off,

because you're (bleep) fired.

� �

(beep)

- (line rings)
- LOIS: Uh, hello?

Hey, Lois.
I'm at the small bodega

in the living room lobby

trying to pick out
a new baby card for Janine.

Wai... Who's Janine?

(chuckles): Yeah, right?
Anyway, should I get one

with a baby
with SpaghettiOs on his head,

like, "This is
what it's gonna be like,"

or one with a stork
with an injured back?

Peter, I don't care.

Well, time to live out my dream
of becoming a bodega cat.

PETER'S VOICE:
I'm between the breads.

� �

Again, I want to say I'm so glad
all of our schedules lined up

so we can work together.
And, as a reminder,

we've got New York on the line.

- New York, are you there?
- (car horns honking)

Stewie, is there anyone specific
on the line in New York?

Brian, you're just showing
your ignorance.

The phrase is,
"New York on the line."

- (horn honks)
- MAN: Hey, buddy,
- move that piece of junk!

Go Mets!

And that's
the best city we have.

All right, so,
we've heard from New York.

- What have you guys got?
- This...

this can't be the meeting.

New York, I'm gonna put you
on hold for a second.

Brian, you're embarrassing us
in front of New York.

Now get it together.

All right, let's show them
the pitch video we put together.

� �

My name's Stewie,

and this camera saved my life.

I was born on the wrong side
of the tracks.

My father made holes in belts,

and my mother was
the Italian guy on a pizza box.

The old man wanted me to go
into the family business.

MAN:
Hey! I don't hear any holes
being holed!

I want to make movies, Pa!

Don't make me beat you

with the instrument with which
I make holes in belts!

It's called an awl, Pa!

You son of a bitch!

Ma! Do something!

FEMALE VOICE:
Frank, no!

STEWIE:
Six months later,

my old man died when they
canceled The Tony Danza Show.

The one that was on
during the day.

Anyway, all that
is why I want to make a movie

about a dog
who joins a hockey team.

Morning, handsome.

Mwah.

Now, Lois, you have been accused
of an unwanted touching.

- When?
- Just now.

Just before the flip.

Uh, this is ridiculous.

Lois, please.

Now, the way this works is

we simply gather information and
I make up my mind an hour ago.

Peter, please tell us
what happened.

I'm sitting there at my desk,

trying to watch porn on sites

you guys
haven't figured out yet,

and...

she comes in and kisses me.

(crying)

Now, Barbara, the reason
you are here at Super HR

is there's been an accusation
of unwanted touching

and an overly sexualized
work environment.

That's it. Peter,
no more working from home.

I want you to go back
to the office.

Peter, how can the company
make this right?

Bring back Lay's WOW chips
with Olestra.

Mr. Griffin, those chips
were recalled in the '90s

for causing explosive diarrhea.

You heard me.

- (chips crunching)
- Mmm.

So good.

(stomach gurgling)

Uh-oh.

(explosive fart)

All right, boys,
get me up to speed.

Brian! Chris!

Stewie, what's the matter?

Our Kickstarter...

What? (stammers)
Did we not hit our goal?

I also want to ask a question
without looking at the screen.

Oh, oh, we hit it all right.

Whoa.

We actually have
to make this thing.

Gentlemen, it's time

to start inappropriately
touching actresses

on the casting couch.

Okay, I have been made aware
of the allegations.

Is there anything you can say
on your behalf?

I'm trans?

You just won HR.

� �

All right.
Dishes washed,

kids off to school,

taking my boobs out of my bra.

(sighs)

Alexa, play Mom Spa channel.

(calming music playing)

All right, you're gonna have
to catch me up.

I just stepped off a bird
from Omaha,

and I have a very tight window.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Slow down.

I don't have the bandwidth
for this right now.

This is a lot for me to unpack,
honestly.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Well, I'm gonna have
to circle back with Ken

to get it past the goal line.

Unless, Wendy, do you want
to run it up the flagpole?

Well, at the end of the day,
it is what it is.

Look, look, look.
Listen, listen.

Look, listen, look, look,
listen, listen.

Not to put
too fine a point on it,

but when push comes to shove,
look, listen, look.

Okay, I'm gonna put a pin
in this.

I got to go crowd the gate so
people think I'm in first class,

even though
I'm in boarding group seven.

- (beep)
- Peter, for God's sake,

can I not just have 15 minutes
of peace and quiet

in my own kitchen?

All right,
I'll stay out of your way.

I will simply do my work
and not say a word.

(whirring)

(sighs) Peter,
we are gonna have to fi...

WOMAN (over P.A.):
Attention, please,

we are gonna begin pre-boarding
Flight 238 to Scottsdale,

beginning with our first-class
and Prestige members.

Oh, that's me. I got to go.

Scuse me, is there any way
I can get on the plane now,

even though I'm in the seat
whose back touches the bathroom?

Okay, welcome
to the first official table read

for The Untitled
Kickstarter Project.

Chris will be on speakerphone
from down the hall,

and, as a reminder, that may
result in a five-second delay.

So, now to hand it over
to our writer extraordinaire,

- Mr. Brian...
- CHRIS: Hi, everyone!

There's the delay.

Brian Griffin, take it away.

Thank you, Stewie.

And before we get started,

I would like
to officially thank Stewie

for spearheading this project,

and I'd like to thank Chris

for his help scouting
all the locations.

Now, scene one.

We open on a suburban...

Aw, you're welcome, Brian!

Happy to pitch in.

Yeah, speaking of scouting,

you sure got good at scouting

the location
of the nearest Burger King.

Okay, scene one.

We open on a suburban home,

where a party is in full swing.

- There is a knock at the...
- (laughs)

I do like Burger King!

...at the door.

The teenage son answers it.

Well, if it isn't
my favorite uncle.

Why-why did we give him
the lead part?

Chris, we're having
a little delay issue here,

so try and come in
a little sooner, yeah?

Roger that.

Okay. The teenage son stares
at the man in the doorway,

- and they exchange an intense...
- Back so soon, Uncle Cornelius?

Okay, Chris,
that was a little too soon.

Bri-- look,
what we're gonna do is, Brian...

Why didn't you come
to my mom's funeral?

No, no, Chris,
we're pausing for a second.

All right? Okay, okay, Brian,
here's what we're gonna do.

You're going to slap the table
halfway through your line,

and, Chris, when you hear
the slap on your end,

that's when you talk.

Everyone got that?

Yes.

Yes.

Okay. Uncle Cornelius stands
in the doorway

in stunned silence...

not knowing what to say but
knowing he should say something.

Well, do you have anything
to say for yourself?

- (quietly): This is working.
- You're damn right I do!

Uncle Cornelius
slaps the table in anger

as he walks across
to pour himself a gin and...

I'll return your pearl-handled
revolver one bullet at a time!

Okay, let's just shoot it.
It all works.

I just want to thank... everyone
for all their hard work today.

You're welcome!

What the hell?

(keys clacking)

Oh, hi, Peter.

Like what I've done
with the place?

I'm not sure what you have done.

Well, since you decided to turn
our house into an office,

I decided to make it
into a public work space

for everyone to enjoy.

Principal Shepherd?

Oh, hey, Peter. John Shepherd
of Shepherd Marketing.

(quietly):
Eye contact, firm handshake.

We can put your logo
on anything:

a mug, a set of pens, a mug.

I, uh-- I don't have a logo.

Funny you should say that,

because our art department
could whip you something up.

Hmm, let's see.
Peter, Peter...

Penis?

Let's just fire up Windows 98.

You like that, right on the mug?

Uh, n-no. No, thank you.

Lois, what do you think
you're doing?

Uh, I don't know what
you're talking about, Peter.

Just creating
a nice work environment for you.

For instance, I also piped in
easy listening music

throughout the house.

� Doo doo doo... �

"Ode to My Family"
by the Cranberries?

Lois, you know once I hear that,
I can't get it out of my head.

(chuckles) Don't worry.
It's not the whole song.

It's just the...

� Doo doo doo doo �

...part on repeat.

That's the catchiest part!

Well, you better get to work.

It's already 9:15.

Come on, Peter, focus.
You can do this.

� Doo doo doo doo, doo... �

And... send.

All right.

Let's see
what Griffin's been up to.

Hmm. I've been saying that
to corporate for years.

I got your mug, Peter.

That'll be $59.99.

I got a Square here,

so we can take care
of the transaction in-house.

Geez, seems kind of pricey.

Well, we could bring that down
to $29.99,

but you'd have
to buy 4,000 of them.

Fruit Baskets Covered in
Cellophane. How may I help you?

Long, juicy bananas
and melon balls.

No, I know you hadn't asked me
a question.

I was just thinking
about another part of my day.

- (alarm ringing)
- Okay! Fire drill!

Everyone out in the hot sun
for an hour,

with no information
as to when we're coming back!

-Damn it, Lois.
I can't take this!
-(ringing stops)

Huh. Maybe you'd be better off
working from your office.

But I thought you'd like having
me around the house all day.

I thought so, too, Peter.

But maybe it was
too much of a good thing.

You know I love you, but if
this marriage is gonna survive,

I think you need to be gone
for most of it.

I guess you're right.

When you look at it,

most marriages are
just a couple hours a night.

I'm sorry I was getting on
your nerves, being home so much.

I'll call Bert and ask him if
I can come back to the office.

Thank you, Peter.

I love you so much.

- I love you, too.
- Mmm.

Hey, I went ahead and ordered
those 4,000 penis mugs for you.

I don't want those.

Well, what am I supposed
to do with them?

May I propose a merger?

� The secret of my success
is I'm living. �

Wow, we did it.

We actually made a movie.

Yeah, I don't want
to call this a movie.

We made a film.

We made a film, guys.

And we even had $300,000
left over to buy snacks.

"M-Movie snacks are very
expensive" is, is-is the joke.

(quietly):
Here we go.

(barking)

- (booing)
- MAN: This is garbage!

MAN 2:
I'm just happy for a night out.

(booing continues)

Now, who can tell me
what they did wrong?

They were no-talent jerks
who made a Kickstarter movie?

They were no-talent jerks who
made a Kickstarter movie.

Don't do that, guys.